Love Lives - Turning your dating disasters into comedy, with Diana Vickers and Chiara Hunter

Episode Date: November 5, 2021

This week we’re joined by the dynamic duo that is actor and musician Diana Vickers and singer-songwriter Chiara Hunter.Together, they are Ki and Dee, a hilarious comedy duo making light of the trials and tribulations of millennial life, covering everything from fears around turning 30, friendship, and of course, dating.Today, they join me to discuss the inspiration behind their hilarious viral videos.We talk about some of their dating disasters, the agony of heartbreak, and why some breakups hit you harder than others.Book tickets to see Ki and Dee here: https://www.theturbinetheatre.com/whats-on/ki-&-dSupport Millennial Love with a donation: https://supporter.acast.com/millennialloveSupport this show http://supporter.acast.com/millenniallove. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Acast powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend. will not die hosting the Hills after show. I get thirsty for the hot wiggle. I didn't even know a thirsty man until there was all these headlines. And I get schooled by a tween. Facebook is like, and now that's what my grandma's on. Thank God phone a friend with Jesse Crookshank is not available on Facebook. It's out now wherever you get your podcasts. Acast helps creators launch, grow, and monetize their podcasts everywhere. Acast helps creators launch, grow and monetize their podcasts everywhere. Acast.com Hello and welcome to Millennial Love, a podcast from The Independent on everything to do with love, sexuality, identity and more.

This week we are joined by the dynamic duo that is actor and musician Diana Vickers and singer-songwriter Kiara Hunter. Together they are Kai and Dee, a hilarious comedy duo making light of the trials and tribulations of millennial life. They cover everything from fears around turning 30 to friendship and of course dating. Today they join me to discuss the inspiration behind their hilarious viral videos on Instagram. We talk about some of their dating disasters, the agony of heartbreak, and why some breakups hit you harder than others. Enjoy the show. Hi guys. Thank you so much for doing this. Thank you for having us. So would you mind starting us off by introducing yourselves and telling us a bit about what it is that you do.

Diana, do you want to start? Yes, I am Diana Vickers. The one and only. I, what do I do? I'm an actress and singer and writer. I've been actually doing some writing at the moment. So I guess I'll throw that one in there yeah slash slash slash slash slash musical comedy yeah part part of key and d do

you know what's so funny is that like hi I'm Kiara by the way um I went out on the weekend it was the first time I actually introduced I was quite drunk at the time I was like I someone asked me what I did I was like I'm a comedian I'm a comedian. I'm a comedian. I was just like testing it out, obviously, because what we've been doing lately. But before that, I write songs, basically. That's what I do. You write good pop songs. Well, you are both comedians.

That's why I wanted to talk to you. Your videos are absolutely hilarious. I am obsessed with them. I wet myself laughing when I watched them um can you tell us a bit why you started them because you started them in lockdown didn't you I'm guessing it was sort of just a lockdown lockdown boredom project that kind of spiraled we were isolating together where we were locked up together I literally moved in I moved in maybe a month before lockdown yeah and then we like, what the hell is going on?

I'll just stop with you now. And then we sort of, we were always sort of making up silly songs all the time in our friendship. We just sort of like do a little jingle here and then make a song about nothing. And then one day we just sort of like sat around and we called the piano the beast. Strap ourselves to the beast.

Strap ourselves to the beast. And then we did one about the pandemic and then it got quite a lot of views and we're like they love us yeah we've got to have more it's so funny looking back though because that was literally day four wasn't it and i think we thought like everyone oh this would be a few weeks this is yeah let's just see this thing and then gradually as the month it's funny you can tell where we were emotionally based on the videos like how puffy are my eyes at that certain time i know the one video i look back i might definitely have COVID I look like a ghost and how much preparation goes into them because I think the brilliant thing about them is when you watch them

they seem really off the cuff and they seem really spontaneous but because you're so synchronized in all of your dance moves as well that you do together I'm imagining it takes quite a lot of time well that's like seven years of friendship yeah we're sort of in sync yeah we've got the same language I would say probably no preparation goes in or very minimal yeah it's it's yeah it's quite like rough and um off the cuff kind of thing I mean we had we did our first live show uh a couple of months ago and we had like three weeks to write like an hour's show didn't we and that that was a bit yeah we are we really locked ourselves inside yeah we did we actually closed the curtain yeah we did locked ourselves in we were short inside but i think we thought at the at the start we were like oh should we be more like slick or produced because you look on tiktok and stuff people are so good at making these sort of

comedy videos polished and then we sort of thought well that's not really us as people we're quite rough and ready and you're up for anything so we thought well i think that's what people liked about it so we kind of we we only now recently just started editing and yeah like some eye moving photos like some zooming and we're very impressed with ourselves when we do when he zooms in to that and back that's about as sophisticated as we get but um before I talk about some of the specific videos can I just ask a bit about your friendships you said you've been friends for seven years how did you guys meet I actually don't remember when I first met you I'm joking yeah um we well we have a mutual friend Chantelle who I've been friends with for like 12 years

and she was your manager music manager to start off with yes so I knew Chiara's like this our friend's got a funny little Irish loverLiverpoolian accent. He's like, I'm managing this girl called Kiara. You gotta meet her. Yeah, and then I met you. I don't remember when I first met you, though. I don't remember at all. We were like, we were friends, but we'd hang out on the periphery.

Yeah, we weren't like immediate friends. We sort of like, I'd be like, hey, all right, and we'd have nights out together. And then probably like four years ago, we started to be like, oh, actually. We had our'd have nights out together. And then probably like four years ago, we started to be like, oh, actually. We had our first one-on-one coffee date at the shortage house. It was the shortage house. It's a house that brings us all together.

We're like, do you want to go to the gym? Do you want to go for a class? Yeah, that's where it used to work out. Yeah. And then we'd get coffee and then we'd have a wine and then we got real close. Yeah. Yeah.

And then you were like, then I have my house and I was like, there's a spare room going do you want to move in yeah and I was living on by myself at the time and hated it I had to go around to her house and like rescue spiders yeah kill spiders you weren't doing real well there I wasn't so then I moved in and that was it and then it feels like I've lived here for a thousand years yeah I can't believe it was a month before lockdown that you moved in that timing is crazy can you imagine honestly I don't know what I would have done and also live like it was it was a classic first apartment alone where I just made all the mistakes like I moved in realized it was a basement and yeah no one's gonna buy yourself yeah like the real estate agent like

never told me that there's no natural light obviously a dungeon it was literally a dungeon it was like in an amazing location oh yeah or like it was just it wouldn't have it wouldn't have fared well for me during lockdown i know it would go crazy so it was like really perfect that you were here for that yeah mental that would have been crazy so it was it was really really good timing and then obviously living with people anyone during a lockdown is like mental yeah but we did it we had a few slam in the front doors and going on a walk really that was your tin of baked beans oh my god because i remember having one in there we had an argument about tin of baked beans and then what was the worst is when i was cooking a big pasta dish for everyone and then it fell on the floor.

And she just walked out. She actually just looked at it and went, I can't do this, and left the room. I can't do this anymore. And me and Charlotte were left to sort of scrape olives. We're like, it's fine. It's not that bad. This time.

Oh, my God. We haven't really talked about it. Like, I feel like as a collective nation everyone sort of blocked out these memories but it was quite funny looking back where were you during lockdown I was I was isolating with my boyfriend uh and his roommate and I you know we we didn't live together it was just uh we'd been in Mexico uh on holiday when they announced lockdown we literally flew back the day that they announced lockdown and I had two housemates at the time and they were like well because you're already with your boyfriend rather than you both kind

of infecting both of your houses why don't you just go and live together so um I moved in with him and I'd never lived with men before so that was interesting oh my god it's a thing it's a thing yeah it is and so and are you still living together now? No. So I live on my own now. Yeah. At the moment I'm living on my own, but yeah,

I was there for about eight weeks. And yeah, it was a very, it was a very intense experience as it was for everyone. The thing is that people force into these situations, aren't they? It's like, I don't want to be alone.

It's like, this is what I have to do. And I mean, some people, I think it broke some relationships apart friendships fell apart some people came out stronger yeah you know it was a funny old time I couldn't see my boyfriend for four months even though we're in the same city yeah and it's hard for you but in looking back now I think if it had been the other way around and we could only see each other for four months, I don't know how that would have gone. If anything, like it kind of kept the relationship really exciting.

It's like, I really miss you. You're only half an hour away, but I can't see you. It's just so extreme. It was crazy. I want to talk about how much you guys sing about dating relationships in your videos, because I think it's the same kind of things that we talk about on the podcast a lot like everything like social media stalking and disastrous dates and heartbreak and everything else so I want to know what made you want to start talking about dating in the songs because it didn't really start that way did it no it didn't it didn't it didn't start that way I mean we did do one that was about there's no summer summer of

no 69 because then that was a cover that we did and it was about obviously not getting sex during lockdown and people really enjoyed that one we're like oh people like a bit of the this sort of honesty and then and then it got on to we were both turning 30 and we were absolutely pooing our pants i was like i'm gonna have a nervous breakdown we just we'd just be sitting in the living room like we've only got two weeks left like and then we were like let's just do a song about turning 30 because it's just like really relatable and people just really loved the honesty yeah and then then that sort of transitioned into well what else is a fucking mess in my life my dating life so yeah basically it'd be me on a

monday morning sort of collecting stories from diana's weekend because i've been in perpetual relationships for like my entire 20s so i have to live vicariously through you yeah yeah i don't know it's kind of what occupies a lot of our conversations with our friends and we've got a little single gal friends yeah yeah there's quite a lot of us and yeah our friends and we've got a lot of single gal friends yeah yeah there's quite a lot of us and yeah we're just constantly analyzing men and what's like i mean they could just give us so much material don't they men like you know they could be a bit more boring but they just continue to blow my mind provide much inspiration yeah yeah i love um the self-abuse one i was just watching that earlier it's all such relatable

stuff and you talk about masturbating to normal people crying in the bar oh you give me Marianne vibes oh yeah anyone's ever told you that but about a bigger compliment as I yeah that is high praise that has made my week thank you yeah you do have that energy you know look yeah you got the look oh my god thank you um I wanted to ask you about the bit where you talk about googling an ex's new girlfriend and social media stalking an ex's new girlfriend and wanting to make her your new best friend because I have done that I love that so much I know yeah and yeah I've the worst is all the forehead story I my ex-boyfriend who I was like really caught up about um he he dated quite a few girls after me classic I want to be alone

don't want to see anyone new girlfriend new girlfriend new girlfriend yeah liar yeah um he I was you were in so her house having coffee you're like oh my god he's i was gonna say his name then he's here with his new girlfriend i was like who the hell is she and then you took a photo you could you could only see her eye yeah and her eyebrow probably like probably just not even a full i don't think it was a full eye i think it was more of a brow and a forehead i found out who she was by the eyebrow from that corner are you serious mental I found her on Instagram within five minutes I was like it was like what okay and then I had to positive positively identify I was like you're like how the hell have you done that wow then I

think frankly you should go work for my six that is very very impressive women of women under 30 or me and my friend chantelle i'm really good at it the best detectives we can tell you anything you need to know about anybody basically yeah and i've done that whole thing where you've been scrolling through someone's profile and then i've liked a photo from like 2016 or whatever i'm like what the hell that's rough and you hope you put on airplane made hoping that like it'll just you know like sometimes when you do airplane yeah it doesn't send it doesn't send it well yeah I love all of the um bad dates that you guys talk about and I know you just said that some of the stories that you kind of crowdsource them but I want to ask you a bit about the um

just hold on till you get home video which is I think one of my favorites for those who haven't seen it can you explain the story behind it and where it came from um yeah I was just dating this guy and get beauty calls he ran to my house one night and you know we we did the dude um and I was like okay great and I kind of wanted him to go you know but he was like I'll stay and then he was like I'm gonna use this toilet and he went to the toilet he's in there for ages like obviously doing a poo and heard it all and then he was like in there for half an hour then he came out again and then he like needed the toilet again and then like I had no loo roll left and then he went he went to use my sister on sweets it just was a real nightmare I was like get get out get out my house get out my house now what's funny to me is I don't know about you Liv like I have been on the verge of

like you know needing to fart and like you know but you hold on until you get home when you first start dating someone you pretend like you don't have an arsehole like nothing is coming out like you know you're just on your best most i've you know i've never yeah i don't have any bodily functions and then as soon as you leave them it's just all like yeah you know just get out i don't understand why i thought that that was it was obviously really desperate but like just no no I completely I completely agree even now you know I've been with my boyfriend for three years and I'll tell the story because it's quite funny I went on a run I went on a run we were staying in this like little Airbnb somewhere and and you know my

boyfriend never takes a bath ever I always take baths I love them he never takes baths for some reason there was one bathroom in this air movie I came back from the run I was desperate for the toilet and I came in and he was in the bath playing like really soothing music so relaxed and I ran and was like get out the fucking bath now and he was like what are you doing you can't even go back in because it was really smelly you're gonna need to leave that for 40 to 45 minutes no one can go oh no that's amazing it was so funny the poor guy was just having a nice relaxing bath he was like get the fuck out like get out i mean yeah we've all we've all been there haven't we i had to yeah oh my god yeah i had that though i um had a boyfriend and it was at the first stages and he had an en suite

in in his in his bedroom and he had some flatmates and he's like and he's like i can't go and use the main toilet because you'll just know why i'm doing that you'll know that i'm having a poo yeah so i literally just was like it was so overwhelmed i was like i feel really sick i've got to go i like booked a cab and i was like yeah i went to the costa on the corner and then just was like i'm gonna have to just go home this is what you do though that is totally normal babe the ensuite is a real danger because you have no privacy and anything that goes on in there is going to waft out eventually into the bedroom i sort of own it though now like whenever i'm like with my second boyfriend i had five years i was like i need the toilet you're gonna have to put some music on yeah

and then you're gonna have to go for a walk that's an age thing though i never would have done that at 22 24 like i i definitely think like as i get older you just become more honest honest with yourself and if you really like each other like you know you're gonna fall in love or something then you can be like that but when you're sleeping with someone and you don't it's not really gonna be anything i'm like just just go home hey it's mitch from side note podcast and i'm here to tell you about the new google pixel 9 powered by gemini. Anyone who knows me knows the Pixel has always been my favorite out of all the phones I've ever had. Now with Gemini built in,

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ever get any feedback from the people that they are about and if you are dating someone new do you kind of warn them and say just so you know like I do use uh my dating life for content sometimes because I've had to do that in the past from this point I feel like I'm really caught blocking myself I had this like realization I was like I feel like no one wants to date me now I do get I do get a little bit like I did feel bad about that guy about the poo one I thought that's upset like I hope that he's not upset with me but I don't name him you know and only he's gonna carry that he he'll just know and um there was there was one the other day when I posted the one about the breakup song and

that was actually quite difficult not difficult for me but that was like a really emotional time in my life and my ex who that was predominantly about follows me on Instagram and I was like oh I'm gonna have to say something to him like because he'll watch it so I was like hey um just so you know you'll make notice like some sort of like references here and then he like voiced it in me back and then you're like what the hell like now I'm getting into some sort of like weird conversation with my ex like that I don't we didn't want to really happen um so it is a bit weird and sometimes I have a bit of a moment don't I being like oh my god yeah there's the flap like right before we put the video out which for me I'm just I just like just do it just do it yeah brilliant it's it's gold like but what's there's a quote about something

about writing I don't know what it is but everything is material everything is copy right and I think for me in like songwriting or anything like that like anything that goes on around me I'm just like trying to use in some way creatively but it is yeah it's really hard when there's real people people I mean you must feel that when you're doing this like you obviously you're in a relationship and you talk about that like how does he feel yeah it's um it's tricky I mean I used to when I started the podcast I was single and I me and my friend used to host it together we would go on dates and then literally the next day talk about them on the podcast um so that was interesting and then you know sometimes the guys I would date would be like

when am I gonna when you're gonna talk about me on the show um and then I'm gonna make the cut yeah I love that some guys some narcissists might actually want to date you to get a song about them yeah you just never know yeah it's interesting it's an interesting dynamic to work out that's why I wanted to ask you about it because you kind of you like obviously I agree with you you know everything that happens to me I'm a writer and I feel like everything is going to be you know inspiring something that I do but then there is this question of morality as well yeah oh my god it's a very fine line I mean I had to do the performance in in August with my boyfriend's parents in the audience and although I don't share quite as many things as Daniel's

because quite frankly no one wants songs about my relationship being in love I'm real happy yeah but you know Summer of No 69 that was predominantly about the fact that you know we couldn't see each other, couldn't have sex. We had to, oh, I don't know if I can tell the Greenwich Park story. Oh, my God. Well, it's coming out, isn't it? We, like, eventually had to just, like, meet up and sort of do a George Michael, Hamster Heath situation.

That was the only way we could have, like, physical intimacy for, like, four months, you know. And, like, there's things like that where, well now I've, I don't think his parents can listen to this, but, but yeah, I had to like perform it in front of them and I couldn't look his mom in the eye. I was like, Oh my God, this is so awkward. You mentioned the breakup song. I love that one so much. I love the way you guys sing about all of the various things that someone does

to kind of distance themselves and distract themselves in in a breakup that I think everyone does um for those who haven't seen it can you describe what kind of silly things you have done to try and get over a breakup both of you and which ones made it into the video I had to go to India I was adamant I had to go by myself to India I was like I'm getting out of here I need to be as far away as possible and then I just got all the way to India and just like cried the whole time no I did I went and did yoga and I made some nice friends and I thought there was off about the relationship but everyone everyone that was there was going through some emotional trauma like you know everyone people don't go to India for a nice jolly go there to maybe not do a yoga retreat yeah um and then what else i booked a trip to i don't know i literally think i booked

a flight to milan or something and got to the airport and was like no i can't do it and i got on the stans express and just went home because i thought i just want them to see me in a cool place I want them to be like oh she's in Italy that's so crazy she must be so fine without me yeah and then I realized I was just gonna go to Milan and feel really sad in Milan and I thought that doesn't sound particularly great no I felt like I didn't do India because like I wanted to prove anything that was like I needed to get as far away as possible I needed like a complete culture shock um and I'd exhausted myself like I said one of the New Year's Eve it was actual real thing I went round and found a new audience to talk about my breakup with I was like caught on the stairs I was in the utility

room like anyone who walked through that door i'd be like i can talk to them about this story just constantly analyzing it to every new human that i saw yeah and then obviously there's the haircuts and all the doing to yourself you want to get a new look i got oh babe i got a tattoo of like a lot oh my god this is so embarrassing i got a tattoo at this awful place on Kings and Road in Dalston of that line. And to me in my head, I was like, it's me drawing a line between me and him. No more. It's like in my head, it made all this simple. And because I was drunk at the time, you can see it sort of blown out. You know, when you get a tattoo when you're drunk the ink just goes like because your blood's thin or whatever so that I look at that and that's pretty much the most ridiculous thing I've done on a breakup because it's just a line on my skin this doesn't mean anything that's hilarious how about you doll oh god I well I I broke up with my with my boyfriend who I'm with now we broke up last summer for two

months um and I just just shagged a lot of people I should not have had sex with and then really regretted it um yeah it was interesting but I want the state that we get ourselves into of I know manic sort of behavior it's sort of unlike any sort of like a frenzy you go into because you're so you're so you're grieving and you're and you're just extreme everything is heightened totally it is magical feeling at the same time as being incredibly painful yeah how um because at the start of the video you kind of distinguish between like two types of breakup the kind of breakup that you get over quickly and then this kind of big seismic breakup that really changes your life which is which are the ones that you kind of talk

about um how long did it take you guys to to get over those breakups and to move on i probably you're still you know i'm four years what do you mean moved on moved on i tell you what probably for me i i had got to be fair in my defect i had gone through a trauma in my life before so i i'd lost a parent in the same year as my knowledge as my break and then i broke up with the boy boy about what like eight months later or something so it was a lot compound effect so um so it probably took me actually two years about to start feeling normal again um and but but even now like I'm I am over it now like completely over it but I haven't been in love or really liked anyone ever since. So, and that's been like four years now.

Some people just like imprint themselves upon your soul. Like, and you just don't really ever forget the feeling of being with them. You can move on, but. Yeah. Some people just really almost like signposts. I wouldn't. Yeah, but it's not like I want to be with him. I wouldn't.

No, no, no. but it's just more like I'm over it now but yeah two years all I'm saying is people are more special than others oh god yeah there are some people that you move on from quite quickly and you never really think about again yeah and it depends what's going on in your life like I said I was going through a massive trauma as well

so like you just it's harder then you're sort of stuck I remember getting over an ex and like really for like six just it's it's harder then you sort of stuck I remember getting over an ex and like really for for like six months it took me and then um I remember when I'd find you know when you're finding like clean of them you wake up and you're like oh I just don't feel like I need to prove anything or do anything I'm just sort of I'm happy again and I remember that was the day I found out he got engaged and I was like six months after we'd broken up and it wasn't like a long-term relationship, but it was just a funny thing from the universe. I literally

sat down on a Saturday night. I think it was the first Saturday night I'd spent alone since I'd broken up with him. I was like, I want to do a face mask and fucking self-care and all this shit. And then my phone just like lit up and I was like, right. And then I took the face lit up and I was like right and then I took the face mask off went to the box and shagged someone else yeah that's how you do it um I want to ask about the turning 31 you guys both turned 30 now haven't you yeah yeah so you did that video and I think for whatever reason turning 30 is a particularly daunting milestone for women I think particularly when you're single or you're in flux with your career

or your friendships which we so often are at this age um and you kind of tap into some real anxieties surrounding all of that so now that you are both 30 how is it going so far it's really it's fine I mean in my head I'm still 25 yeah you know it's um and nothing really changed to be honest I was walking around I was like I feel sexy I feel in control I'm a woman I feel like a woman now um yeah and really funnily enough I felt just as I was turning 30 things started to like fall into place like things just sort of like shifted I was like really panicked at the beginning of the year and then like funnily enough like external things sort of changed which helped my anxiety but um it you know it's just a number nothing's I do get an anxiety because I'm so single I get anxiety about that thinking I do want to meet someone like by the time I'm 35 I'd like to have a baby

so that's always sort of a ticking and also in terms of my career you know being honest and being an actress in this industry you there is still sort of a nervous energy around being like am I getting older these young women coming through and um and that is scary and that is still a thing I think it's I think you know any milestone is like quite scary you know and and exciting but I think just touching on the song I honestly feel like writing that song and the response that it got from, you know, especially other women who were also in, in our sort of spot in life kind of made me feel better about it. I think that's part,

partly why the songs are cool in my opinion, because it oftentimes is turning something that we're both really scared of or have anxiety over into like a literal anthem that you can just sing because so many times i'm fucking dirty you know which is great and it somehow manages to like diffuse some of the stupid sort of pressure that we put on ourselves i know and i think when i was going to turn 30 i had this anxiety being like should i tell people that i'm turning 30 will it look bad on me you know will it look bad like will people think I'm like yeah and then I was like stop this this is exactly what's wrong with the world like we need to be really vocal and say that we're 30 but we're still we still look young and we're hot and we're fun

and we're cool cool and like yeah and we're gonna make 30 fabulous yeah you just gotta flip the script a little bit don't you yeah so we just rebelled against our own anxiety yeah and so you guys did a show together in august and you've got some more coming up right when are those when can people buy tickets and where 7th of december till the 11th of december in london at the turbine theater they're on sale now so you should come oh my god I will be there I will absolutely be there I'm obsessed with the videos I also need to ask you about the Jack Grealish song has he seen it has he been in touch oh my god he's such a nasty piece of work we still love you Jack but uh no I I would find it very hard to believe if he hadn't like at least yeah been shown it by someone yeah because we got roasted by the

Aston Villa fans yeah really we got abused yeah we did oh my god we got told to kill ourselves yeah oh god I think we like dared to sort of objectify their boy and I was like oh you don't like being objectified as a man that's interesting yeah yeah you know it's always a bit subversive isn't it and like I don't know yeah we never saw it still going about so you know magnificent calves yeah I know it's fine we forgive him it's fine like you know he's a busy boy but maybe one day maybe when the world cups around we'll do Jack Grealish part two and then he'll notice us we'll never give up we'll never give up jack it's time for our lessons in love segment so this is the part of the show where i ask every guest to share something they've learned in their previous relationship experiences uh kiara do you want to go first i don't know like i guess i just think that you know a lot of the

times i've learned that the relationship I'm in is also a mirror to the relationship that I'm having with myself at that time you know like I look back on past relationships you know with some horror but also you know with a lot of empathy for where I was at that time and who I'd chosen to be in a relationship with and I think learning how to maintain a sense of your own identity within a relationship is really important because as we all know, it can be, anything can happen, can change overnight, people change. And if you're not a fully defined person without them, in my experience, that's found, I've found that quite hard when I've broken up with them. It's like you're breaking up with yourself. So trying to maintain a sense of your own identity um being in relationships is

is important i guess that's the biggest lesson i've learned that's a really good one i think no it is maintaining a sense of autonomy i think is huge and i think so often as women it's something we put to the side to please our partners because we're totally yeah and I yeah I back that as well because I remember when I was in my five-year boyfriend I we were like so so like this and he moved in really quickly and we were so so so close and then I sort of then three months later I met my two-year boyfriend and I took that energy of like being intertwined into him and he wasn't like that my two-year boyfriend was like very independent he'd been single for like four years and then I came in and I was like I need to be

like immersed in each other and then and then it only took me from them being single to realize oh my god no I thought I've like reset now yeah so now I've been single for four years I'm gonna come in and be very much like I am me you are you yeah and you're just a nice yeah I think being with someone because similar to that like my boyfriend is very defined in his boundaries you know like from the get-go was always like no this is my time or you know I don't need to be with you every second of the day and to me I took that as a massive personal insult I was like what do you what do you mean because in the past I my relationships had just become so enmeshed our existences together were just so enmeshed and it's only through this relationship that I've actually learned some people

do that when they break up with someone and they're single but for me I really have learned within this relationship that kind of level of autonomy is important if you want to if you want to stay interested in each other as well because frankly if you sort of all over each other all the time like you get sick of them quite quickly don't you so it's nice to have a bit of separation come together so like Esther Perel always talks about that sort of watching your partner from a distance and how sexy that is and and and then coming together is really nice after ultimately they just need to be like a really nice asset into your life don't they yeah and it not be just like codependent what have you learned I'm just trying to think like that was a big one for me it's like now that I've been single

for so long I am like so self-sufficient and I I never go on date unless you are the one I just don't really entertain you. Yeah, I like to have a little bit of fun, but you have to be, I don't know, you'll have to be something to really blow me away. I used to have a lot of anxiety when I was in relationships about, like, people's heads turning or, like, cheating and feeling quite anxious about that. Or when I go on a date now and i like someone and then i i like and then i get anxiety being like what if you don't let me leave my sister goes d if they're gonna do that then they're gonna do that nothing you can do will change that if you're gonna end up with someone you'll end up the world will make it happen so stop like having anxiety around it

if someone's head's gonna turn someone's head's always gonna turn there's nothing that you can do about that yeah and having anxiety about something is sort of like praying for something you don't want exactly so it's like why would you it doesn't change anything it doesn't so i just i've now just got like a bit more sort of like trust in the universe like wherever he is he's gonna come along and we always try and keep it light. Yeah, just keep it light. Just keep it light. And don't get stressed about it. It's going to happen. I think the best piece of advice I read about that as well

is just like when you're having those anxious thoughts and you're worrying about all that kind of stuff, just actually think, well, like you said, is that anxiety going to actually impact anything? Is it going to change anything? No, it's just going to make me feel like shit so why don't I just change my mindset and just not and just stress less about it and just let what happens happen yeah it's so simple but it's like that's it our motto is we say that in our life as well we just gotta keep it light keep it light

keep it light because there's just no point with anything friendship stuff relationship stuff work stuff especially work stuff and in the meantime you know write funny songs about it yeah and then spill your guts yeah that's it for today thank you so much for listening if you're a new listener to millennial love you can subscribe to us on apple podcast spotify acast or anywhere else you can comment and leave us a rating too so that more people can find us. Keep up to date with everything to do with the show on Instagram. Just search Millennial Love. See you soon. Whether you're in your running era, Pilates era or yoga era, dive into Peloton workouts that work with you. From meditating at your kid's game to mastering a strength program,

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