Lovett or Leave It - 2 Dark 2 Brandon

Episode Date: April 29, 2023

Lovett or Leave It is back at Dynasty Typewriter to give Tucker Carlson the sendoff he deserves: one he has to share with Don Lemon. Hari Kondabolu stops by to wash down some unpleasant news with some even worse ice cream. Alan Ruck takes an expletive-heavy stroll down memory lane with Succession’s spiciest insults. Pat Regan and Marcy Jarreau school Lovett on the finer points of reality TV, and we top it all off with a big ol’ batch of fresh-baked Hot Takes. Hari Kondabolu's comedy special and album “Vacation Baby”  is available for viewing worldwide on YouTube and streaming as album on all platforms. Hari also self-released “(Extended) Vacation Baby” on Bandcamp as a digital download with tracks not found on the special or streaming album. Check out dates and tickets for Hari's Spring/Summer tour at harikondabolu.com For a closed-captioned version of this episode, click here. For a transcript of this episode, please email [e-mail] and include the name of the podcast. 

Hello, Los Angeles. Welcome to Love It or Leave It, live or else, coming at you in the before time, before Lake Mead ran dry and the world splintered into guerrilla armies based on allegiances drawn along the lines of who we imagine when we picture people naked for fun. We have a great show for you tonight. Alan Ruck is here. He stars in A Little Indie Darling, your coolest friend may have mentioned recently. Hari Kondabolu is here, and we've paired... Yes, and we've paired the unpleasant news of the week

with some equally unpleasant ice cream. Marci Jaro and Pat Regan are here. And they're going to school me on the reality TV I'll be forced to watch if and when the writers strike. And hot takes. But first, let's get into it. What a week. On Tuesday, President Biden formally announced

he's running for re-election. I think I speak for Democrats everywhere when I say, you better fucking win, old man. I think I speak for Democrats everywhere when I say, you better fucking win, old man. Said Biden in his announcement video. He went on, I thought we had it locked down for a minute there, but the soul of this nation is a slippery sucker,

wriggled right out of my hands like a greased piglet. My fellow Americans, I cannot wrestle it to the ground alone. Addressing concerns about his age at Wednesday's press conference, Biden told reporters this. With regard to age, I can't even say, I guess how old I am, I can't even say the number. It doesn't register with me. It doesn't register with me. Listen, we're all getting pretty sick of getting invited to Biden's 39th birthday party, but... Anyway, Biden's full sentence should be one of the options when you put in your age on a hinge.

If re-elected, Biden would be 86 at the end of his second term. Trump, of course, wouldn't have that problem because his second term wouldn't end. Kamala Harris confirmed she would remain on the ticket as Biden's vice president. Harris then turned back to her skee-ball machine at the Silver Spring Dave & Buster's, where a cheering crowd had gathered to watch her beat yet another high score. A Southwest flight from Atlanta to Houston was delayed after a passenger spilled rice in the aisle and a flight attendant allegedly refused to let the plane take off until someone cleaned it up.

The flight attendant walked up and down the aisle screaming, who spilled rice? According to one passenger's tweets. One passenger finally stood up sheepishly and admitted, I spilled the rice. But just as the flight attendant was about to admonish her, another passenger stood up and admitted, I spilled the rice. But just as the flight attendant was about to admonish her, another passenger stood up and declared, I spilled the rice.

And then another, I spilled the rice. And another, I spilled the rice. Until finally the entire back half of the plane was standing in solidarity. They were all arrested. Back on the ground, fast food chain Wendy's unveiled their plan to can and sell their chili in grocery stores. Now, thankfully, you'll be able to enjoy fast food chain Wendy's unveiled their plan to can and sell their chili in grocery stores.

Now, thankfully, you'll be able to enjoy a bowl of Wendy's chili without having to get all dressed up. I imagine buying Wendy's chili at the grocery store is one of those purchases where you'll pretend to buy a few other things so it's not like you just came there to buy a Wendy's chili. And to anyone who would doubt Wendy's, show some respect for a company that knew in their bones that we all secretly wanted to eat baked potatoes and chili in our fucking cars.

Speaking of degenerate behavior, Fox News abruptly fired Tucker Carlson on Monday. Like he's going to be replaced with Rachel Maddow. Like he's going to be replaced with Rachel Maddow. Days after the propaganda pushers agreed to pay $787.5 million to settle Dominion's defamation lawsuit. It's a scary time when the host of a flagship show at a media company can be fired with no warning, said Tommy, hoping for some light encouragement. To the Mars candy people,

I'm not telling you how to run your business, but there will never be a funnier time to announce that the Three Musketeers bar has a mascot, and it's a gender-fluid thruple. Fox said that Carlson's 8 p.m. time slot will be filled by rotating Fox News personalities, so Florida panhandle boomers, now they're taking turns with you.

Fox News insiders say rotating personalities is actually code for Brian Kilmeade, since he's always clowning around on those swivel chairs. Following the news of his firing, Russian propagandist Vladimir Solovev emailed Carlson, writing, You have our admiration and support in any endeavor you choose, be it running for president, which you should totally do, by the way, or making an independent media project. We'll happily offer you a job if you wish to carry on as a presenter and host. When God closes a door, he opens a window,

specifically the window that Putin critics keep falling out of. In an incredible Dateline interview that will air on Friday, Rhode Island man Nicholas Rossi, who faked his own death and fled to Scotland to avoid facing sexual assault charges, insists that he's actually a British man named Arthur Knight. Rossi, wearing an oxygen mask, spoke in the fakest sounding accent you've ever heard, and at one point theatrically tried to stand and then flopped over to demonstrate that he can't walk. I can't breathe. I can't walk. People say that's an act. Let me try to stand up. Let me try to stand up.

Exactly. Rossi's been keeping up this act in spite of the fact that his fingerprints and tattoos match those of the fugitive. He claims he was tattooed while unconscious in the hospital. See, this is the guy that should primary Trump. This is the energy.

Total commitment. Florida Governor Ron DeSantis, who's definitely not on the verge of a nervous breakdown, had this response when a reporter asked him about polls showing that he's falling behind Trump. Governor, I'll show you falling behind Trump. Any thoughts on that? I'm not a candidate, so we'll see if and when that changes.

Ron DeSantis always looks like he just found out that they're really sorry, but they have no record of his reservation in the system. Where am I supposed to go? I just got here. We made to check that fucking thing. Everything's booked. Look around. Taylor Swift's in town. DeSantis's nemesis, Disney,

began another round of layoffs this week, bringing the total to 4,000 of a projected 7,000. It's now Snow White and the Three Dwarves, and they're all pretty grumpy. Mm-hmm. Thank you. Thank you for your support, one person. The battle for control of Disney resorts has escalated, with the mega corporation announcing that they are now suing Governor Ron DeSantis, claiming his appointment of a right-wing oversight board to punish Disney for criticizing the Don't Say Gay bill infringes on the company's

First Amendment rights. Disney has hired an incredible attorney, but he reportedly wears a chef's hat in the courtroom that he never takes off. I'm going to wear his little mouse under there, a really smart mouse. It's crazy. Presidential contender, in the loosest sense, Nikki Haley, apparently gunning for the veest sense, Nikki Haley, apparently apparently gunning for

the veep slot on Trump's ticket, said South Carolina is anti-woke, but isn't sanctimonious while adding this. And if Disney would like to move their hundreds of thousands of jobs to South Carolina and bring the billions of dollars with them, I'll let them know I'll be happy to meet them in South Carolina. Fight, fight, fight. Fight, fight, fight. E. Jean Carroll began testifying at the civil trial for her lawsuit against Donald Trump on Wednesday. The judge overseeing the trial warned Trump's lawyers about his truth social posts, in which he called the suit a scam and mentioned DNA evidence that the judge had ruled neither side could bring up. Trump's lawyer, Joe Takapina, replied,

This is a real quote. Here's all I can tell quote, I will speak to my client and ask him to refrain from any further posts regarding this case. I will do the best I can do, Your Honor. That's all I can say. Being Trump's lawyer is like being the exhausted parent of the shittiest first grader. Look, look, I'll have another talk with him about

not gluing the gerbils together. That's the best I can do. You have to feel for Joe Takapina. This guy is tasked with looking at a judge in the eye and having a legitimate conversation about his client's ability to respect the integrity of the justice system when there is a 100% chance his client refers to him as Joey Tapioca to his face. An over 200-year-old statue at a conservation site in England was defaced with bright blue scribbles

after crayons were handed out to visiting children. The children will be featured on the cover of this month's You Get a Time Out magazine. All is well that ends well. Each child was granted a full scholarship to Banksy University. During a White House state dinner on Wednesday night, South Korean President Yoon Suk-yool picked up a mic and absolutely crushed a verse of American Pie. A long, long time ago, I can still remember how that music used to make me smile.

And now I knew if I had my chains That I could make those people dance And maybe they'd be happy for a while First of all, incredible. I almost made you watch the whole song because if you close your eyes and imagine hard enough, you can forget we're in like a death struggle against a fucking right-wing cult that's trying to take over the entire country. And it's just, you know, it's American president up there. Anyway, Biden reciprocated with a nod to South

Korean pop music by doing the Gangnam Style dance. Doctors at Walter Reed say Biden is in stable condition. Said Biden, I had no damn idea you could sing. Yeah, what the fuck, you insocule. You use football to hide this talent until a cool English teacher convinced you to try out for the musical because it doesn't make you a fairy to have a passion for singing. And then you were afraid the whole team would find out,

but the surprise is, they're the chorus? In horny news. in horny news, this is like doing like the method, you know, the method where you say the line back and forth, you know? Yeah, Meisner. In horny news, a Russian, in horny news, in horny news, nope, that was too quick. In horny news, a Russian court... That's the worst take. In horny news, a Russian court has reportedly fined a 70-year-old woman $500 for calling Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky a handsome young man. In America, you pay compliment.

In Soviet Russia, you pay for compliments. Look, not a fan of Putin's Russia, but if this is just a chuckle-fucker tax, honestly, you should have one in L.A., and it could raise a lot of money. Maybe people make some better choices. In response to Justice Clarence Thomas' corruption, Senate lawmakers proposed a bipartisan bill

to create a code of conduct for the Supreme Court. Will that apply to spouses, asked Ginny Thomas, sipping a Judy Garland, which is a martini but with benzos instead of olives, on the private jet of Hexus, the villain from Ferngully, as she catches a ride to an all-inclusive conference at the Four Seasons Bora Bora about how to deregulate the whaling industry in order to sell orca blood as a source of protein to private prisons in the American heartland. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Controversial television host Jerry Springer died this Thursday at the age of 79. Or did he? Come on out, Jerry! Nah, he's dead.

A new study by the National Research Group revealed that of the 20 stars that Americans would most want to see in a movie theater, 19 of them are over 40, and the only one under 40 is Chris Hemsworth, who turns 40 in August. We've depleted the strategic reserve of movie stars. Like so many other aspects of our infrastructure,

we've let the movie star pipeline corrode and run dry, and now Brie Larson is doing Nissan commercials, and Chris Pine's D&D gets killed by a 3D animation demo for Mario Brothers masquerading as a movie. And like so many other trains in this country, the Army Hammer train fucking derailed. Republicans in Montana censured Zoe Zephyr, a transgender Montana state representative, for opposing a ban on gender-affirming care for transgender children. House Majority Leader Sue

Vinton introduced the measure, saying that Zephyr's actions disrupted and disturbed the orderly proceedings of this body. We don't believe women should be able to have any say over any bodies, and we've been consistent on that. Republicans had previously silenced Zephyr during debate on the bill, leading to heated protests by her constituents, two of whom even ran full speed at each other and locked horns in anger. See, what I like about that is, we're obviously in support of this state rep, but then we just took a little swerve to make fun of people from Montana,

saying the voters are buffaloes. Or whatever has horns out there, no one knows. You can't see them from the plane. You know what? We need to normalize making fun of rural places. They fucking, they come to New York and they go home and they're like, stinky, stinky. And we're just fucking eating it all the time. Yeah, yeah. LA and New York sucks. That's why it's the most expensive place to be. That's how it works. Yeah. New York and LA and

they're over. Nobody wants to be here. It's so expensive. It's like when I was a kid, there was this Italian place that always had a line and my father was like, no one can go there. It's so expensive. It's like when I was a kid, there was this Italian place that always had a line, and my father was like, no one can go there. It's a... You know what I mean? An international team of scientists published a new paper. They discovered roughly 10,000 previously unknown viruses in babies' dirty diapers. So no more eating dirty diapers. Country star Morgan Wallen, who once called his shadow the N-word,

was sued by fans in a class action lawsuit after canceling a concert moments before he was set to appear on stage, alleging he lost his voice. Wallen went on to say, and I don't want to point fingers, but there were a lot of you-know-whos backstage and they might have taken it. Here's what I think happened. I think that the setup saying that he called his shadow the N-word doesn't seem enough like a joke.

Right? You weren't sure if that was a joke because they don't know enough about him. I thought it was real. I thought it was real too and then I read the story. It's like, no, it's a joke because he's used it so many times.

Anyway, that's the after action report on that joke. Which I think we should leave in. Let people see the process. And finally, a New York woman was convicted of attempted murder after trying to off her friend with a poisoned cheesecake. You know what? If that's how I die, so be it. At least I'll go out doing what I love. Dying of eating cheesecake a little faster than expected.

When we come back, a quick word from the CEO of Segway. And we're back! Yeah. Alec Baldwin returned to the set of Rust last week as filming resumed with entirely fake weapons and we have to assume one of the most uncomfortable kickoff speeches of all time. What do you say? It's been 18 long months, but it's great to see most of you back.

In honor of Rust's unholy resurrection, we've gathered some of history's most cursed back-to-work speeches, and we're excited to share them with you. First up, it's 2010 2010 speech that a Segway executive had to deliver to the full staff of Segway after the company's owner, Jimmy Heselden, rode a Segway off a cliff and died. That's actually what happened. Good morning, Segbays.

Today is a difficult day, both for Jimmy's family and for Marsha and PR. This is fucking song. It's not going to be easy to segue out of this one, am I right, Marsha? But we can't let one tragic accident

divert us from our mission to sell very expensive and impractical scooters to municipalities with bloated police budgets. We must keep our eyes forward and slightly down. We must keep rolling

but not right next to cliffs. And above all, we must remember the Segway golden rule. You can't make a omelet without breaking a few segs. Now let's get back to work. All right. Thank you. Being alive in 2023 means taking in a lot of bad news and staying alive often means ingesting enough ice cream to balance it out. But most people, small-minded provincial people, limit themselves to ice cream that tastes good. Only we at Love It or Leave It are brave enough to ask,

what happens if you pair unpleasant news with equally unpleasant ice cream? Is that anything? Here to find... Here to find out in a segment we're calling Ice Cream, You Scream, We All Scream unceasingly, please welcome back to the show Hari Kondabolu. Thanks for being here. It's good to see you. It's good to see you too.

So you're a new dad. It's been two and a half years, but yeah. So you're a dad. I'm a dad, yeah. All right, moving on. I don't know why I asked that. Have you seen the video of John Harrison, the dryer's taste tester, whose tongue is insured for $1 million and he uses a golden spoon?

No, I have not. Roll the clip. So in tasting, what we do is take a small amount right off the top. It doesn't take much. That's the warmest part right here. I'm going to invert the spoon. Cover all 9,000 taste buds. Aerate it.

Warm it up. Driving up that top note. That cream. Pure vanilla. Sweeteners. That's a 10. An absolute freak. I mean, I mean that my friend is acting there is no way

he actually does that he knows I got this scam job I have to fake it every time because no one's gonna be like oh this ice cream is bad it's always good it's always good I do think there's a certain kind

of these aficionados. You see it with like whiskey. You see it with wine. And for whatever reason, once you become, there's a kind of event horizon you cross after which the way

you take in this thing you love is so fucking weird and freaky. Like there's a lot of like a lot of like that and like there's like lot of like that. And like there's like whiskey tasters.

Like you put it in the glass, throw it away. Fill the glass again. Put your nose in it. Wait, wait. You know? I mean, you need to have time to do that, which means these people are moneyed. He may have started wealthy,

but I don't think it's like that lucrative to devote your life to tasting ice cream. Oh, this guy? No, this guy is a con artist. I was talking about the whiskey. No, those people. Yeah, this is clearly this guy found an angle, he's stuck with it, and he's faked it. I am envious of that. It's pretty

cool. I also find it's funny when people are like, oh, you don't know anything about wine? Because once I learned about wine, I realized this cheap wine is terrible. And it's like, why do you want to learn that? Yeah, exactly. Right now, there's two kinds of wine to me. Room temperature and cold. Correct.

That's correct. And they're usually different colors. Yeah, that's accurate. But only usually. But sometimes they got the other one that sounds like a flower, but it's not. Right. And it's pink. Sure.

Rosy. Yeah. Yeah. Sometimes they have bubbly rosy. They got bubbly rosy, and then they got- Sparkling rosy. Yeah, yeah. Moscato, which is mothers and me like it.

Uh-huh. I went to get Moscato once for me, and the wine store said it was sold out as if i should know and he looked at me like you know because it is mother's day and it's like yes this was for my mother my mother will be disappointed not to drink this very sweet sugar water okay so the crag team of manic depressive said i like how you had all those segue jokes but segues now are elusive and hard to hey quit whining let's get back to the ice cream there you go

come on i like this it's been a little bit of a rocky road but let's get back on track you know what i'm saying you want i could do this for fucking days. Wrap it up, says Malcolm. So the crack team of manic suppressives that run this show have assembled a medley, a buffet of bad news, but it's a tasting menu. Each bite of misery has been professionally paired

with a disgusting ice cream flavor. Tonight, the devil shall be our sommelier. Let's begin tasting. I'm going to start with unpleasant news, and then I will tell you which ice cream to try. Unpleasant news first. Where's the spit bucket? No, no. You take it in. Are you kidding me?

A spit bucket? We're on stage. It's disgusting. Fine. I'll swallow. Stop it! Stop it! Grow up! Here, you can have a spit bucket. We brought we brought you a spit bucket we heard what you said and now you have a bucket if you want to use it it's just a little bowl i mean don't take you don't have to take a huge amount all right first course is climate allergies apparently due to climate change pollen season is three weeks

longer and people in their 30s 40, and 50s who never experienced seasonal allergies are suffering for the first time, and those who have always had them are getting them worse and for longer. Tonight, we've paired this with olive brittle and goat cheese ice cream, because to me, both are about doing too much. The plants are doing too much, and this ice cream is doing too much. All right, let's sample it. Which one is the...

Here we go. Black olive brittle and goat cheese. Olive brittle? What does that mean? Do people make olive brittle? They do, and then they put it in this ice cream. It's a fancy company, right? That's good.

Yeah, yeah. I don't want to say the name because we're insulting it, but it's salt and straw. All right, I'm going in. You want to go in first? You want to go in at the same time? Take a little bit. All right. And make sure you get some olive in there.

Got to get. God, I forget to get the olive when eating ice cream. Get a dig a little to get that brittle. Oh, that is some brittle. Oh, God. That's a good chunk. Here we go. All right, okay.

I liked it initially until the taste kicked in. Here's what I'd say. You know how goat cheese tastes? Yeah. I'm getting more goat than I am olive. It's giving goat. This tastes like appetizer ice cream. It's not meant to be consumed after the meal,

and I certainly will not consume it before the meal. Yep. It exists in a liminal space. Let's rate it out of five. Five being good? Yeah. One being bad. Bad.

Okay. It's hard because it's the first one, so I'm going to say two. I agree, two. That way, in case there's something worse, we actually can actually get something. Well, buckle up, my friend. Our second course, Russia hosted a session on international peace at the United fucking Nations.

The country, which is currently committing war crimes on a vast scale, happens to be up in rotation in leading the Security Council. The Security Council. We've paired this ugly reminder of the moral and practical weaknesses of the UN with something that is called milkshake and french fries ice cream. Because that was the flavor available. Wait, is it written by hand? Oh, I don't like this one bit. This is written by hand, and again, I won't say where it's from, but it's from Van Leeuwen. Here's a fresh spoon for you.

Thank you, sir. All right. Malted milkshake, which I like. French fries. French fries. Gotta get the fries. Oh, you can really see the fry in there. Ready?

Okay. Wait, there's actual fry? I think I just got a... I'm seeing flecks of yellow a I'm seeing flecks of yellow oh it absolutely sucks you know what it tastes like? when you have french fries and then you're like I'm gonna down this

with a milkshake that's what it tastes like and that's not a taste I've ever thought this should be it's own thing part of that is because I don't smoke weed That's what it tastes like. And that's not a taste I've ever thought, this should be its own thing. Part of that is because I don't smoke weed. It's like all the good parts of french fries gone. It tastes like they just put in a little of the oil at the end of the day at the Jack in the Box.

They just dipped a little end of day Jack in the Box oil in there. You know what I'm saying? That's a one for me. It's funny because I've never tasted the thing you described, but I think you're right. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I think you're right. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I think you just did, actually.

Our third course, what do you think? One out of five? I think it's pretty fucking bad. Oh, man. We have to introduce a zero because what's coming up next? Hoo boy. Well, let's say this is a one, then. Okay.

Our third course, naked landlords. A court in Germany ruled that your landlord sunning naked in the courtyard of your apartment building is not a justification for demanding that your rent be lowered. Part of the rationale is that he wore robes on the stairs. Oh, so now he's like in a public place. Yeah. In the comment, he's allowed to use the courthouse to be new. It's a destination. We've paired this noose of Landlord's Gone Wild

with Grey Poupon flavored ice cream. Because it takes something you might like in the exact right context but grosses you out because this isn't the time or the place. I like how the thing says limited edition. Like, duh.

And I think it's just this one. I think we're the only people to get it. Ooh. Oh, wow. No, it has the color and everything. That is a gross. It really is. It really is the grossest fucking thing.

That is just a, this is a scam. We're being fucking scammed. This is a scam. I really, you have to appreciate it just looks like trash. It looks like, look, at the end of it, you know,

it's like, it looks like somebody in the garbage threw some ice cream and threw some mustard and someone's like, wait, I've got an idea.

Let's really fuck those people. What I keep imagining. God damn it. It's got real heft to it. Do you remember those like old Greg Poupon commercials where like two cars would pull up at the light? The limos. It's got real heft to it. Do you remember those old Greg Poupon commercials where two cars would pull up at the light?

Pardon me, do you have any Greg Poupon? Imagine if it ended with a person dumping it into ice cream. Alright, here we go. Oh, brother, alright. That didn't bother me. Does this mean I'm dying? Why didn't that bother me?

Does it taste like burnt toast? Because then we got to go to the hospital. Oh, he's going in for more. Yo, man, this is good. I feel... That to me was the worst one. I hate this. I fucking hate this. The goat cheese one, you put it in front of me, I'd probably eat it. me, was the worst one. I hate this. I fucking hate this.

Like, the goat cheese one, you put it in front of me, I'd probably eat it. This, no thank you. Yeah, I don't like it either. Yo! This is not bad, John. Nice.

Do you know what it's kind of like? Do you know those honey mustard pretzels they have? It just kind of tastes like that. But someone dropped it in a bowl of sugary milk. Yeah, yeah. Well, I'm giving that a one. It sounds like you're giving it a... Four.

Wow. Oh, you don't even know. It might get upgraded to five, depending on what happens next. Well, don't fill out too much, because you have one more thing to taste, and it is ice cream for dogs. We checked. It is fit cream for dogs. We checked. It is fit for human consumption. We each have a little cut.

This is apples and carrots with sweet potato ribbons. It says human grade. This is literally like a flavor that my kid's squeezy pack would have, you know? Yes, sure. But this is for dogs. How is this for dogs? They can't open this. There's a seal in everything.

That's a really good point. Oh, jeez. Not bad, actually. It just tastes like what my kid eats. It's not even... I like it. No, I take it back. For you, it's a little rough. It's not even... I like it. No, I take it back. For you, it's a little rough.

It's a little... I get that terrible taste. It's something delicious. Hey, I didn't think about this, but should we get you a bib or something as you fucking go to town on this French mustard flavored fucking dairy?

Jesus. I don't know why I like it so much, but I really like it, John. You have to rate this one, right? Oh, yeah. I'm going to give, that's a three and a half for me. I enjoyed that. That's a hard two.

That's a hard two. A hard two. Okay. Okay. Now, before we let you go. Not enough mustard. Hari, I understand that AOC DM'd you. In 2017. Before.

And now you at the time, you were a big fucking deal. And you were busy. I was busy trying to kill a cartoon character. That's correct. Yeah. You had your sights set on Apu. You don't have time for some candidate from the Bronx you've never heard of

wasting your time by saying they like your work. She DM'd me when she was running for office the first time, and she said she really liked my stand-up and would love to collaborate sometime to do stuff for the community. So you jumped at it. I told her I was busy.

And then I said she should get back to me next year. She should get back to you. Yeah. And you know what she did? She did get back to me the next year. And she said we should collaborate and do stuff for the community. And then I was watching CNN, and I read a scroll on the bottom of the screen, and it said Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez.

And I'm like, oh, that's the lady, isn't it? That's the lady. And I checked my DMs and I had not written back to her. And so the night she won, I wrote back, oh my god, you did it! I knew you'd win! Hey, we should collaborate

sometime. So yeah, she forgave me, John. Well, she's a very generous person by spirit. Lucky for you. And that's all in your special. What I just did was pretended I was telling a story for the first time that

is actually a joke on my special, but delivered a lot more like... Like conversational. It felt like conversational. I helped too. As a host, I kind of made it feel conversational. No, it was good. It was like I was on a real talk I kind of made it feel conversational no it was good it was like I was on a real talk show and everything it was really good

that was a joke they know they know they're just very protective of me because they know how fragile and insecure I am

everybody give it up for Hari his special vacation baby is available to stream on YouTube when we come back Alan Ruck is here oh my god

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That's cariuma.com slash love it for 15% off only for a limited time. And we're back! Much like the filming of Rust, our journey through the archive of back-to-work speeches boldly continues. It took some digging, but we've found the speech that NASA Administrator Mike Griffin delivered internally in 2007 after astronaut Lisa Nowak put on a diaper and drove 900 miles to attack her ex's girlfriend. Here at NASA, we're used to preparing for all contingencies. On this occasion, we were caught with our pants down and our diapers up. And that's hard.

But I want to remind all of you that it takes more than one rogue astronaut to tarnish this agency's reputation. We only went three for five on keeping people alive and inside of intact space shuttles. And we made it through. Though I can't say the same for Lisa's car, which I've been told smells like a Coachella port-a-potty second weekend. Anyway, it's imperative that we all stay focused on the task at hand. To paraphrase President John F. Kennedy, we choose to go to Mars in this decade

not because it is easy, but because a murderous diaper woman just made us look like clowns. And please remember, if you are working in yards and feet, convert to meters before launch. This can't keep happening. We here at Love It or Leave It

have long believed in schadenfreude. That's a German word that means when the audience won't laugh at the Anne Frank joke you're proud of. It also means deriving pleasure from the pain of others, and that definition happens to be HBO's business plan.

Throw eloquent, despicable, rich white people on a screen and put them through the ringer. White Lotus, Big Little Lies, Silicon Valley, Veep, it's a time-tested idea. Here tonight, we have the nicest monster on Succession. Please welcome Alan Ruck. How are you?

Thanks for being here. Alan Ruck, I have to ask you something. Thank you for being here. My pleasure. Did you know what this show was? My show? No, this show. No, I had no idea. You don't know what this was. I still don't know. A publicist or someone of that nature

said, hey, we think you should do this thing. Yeah. And did they send you a brief or something that says anything about it? I watched a little of you on YouTube. Okay, cool. And you didn't cancel? No, no. I'm here. Yeah. It's fun. It's fun to find out when they don't know what it is. So you star as Connor Roy in Succession,

a show people are mad that I spoiled a few weeks ago. Oh, yes. How long do you think is the appropriate amount of time to wait before talking publicly about a big moment in a TV show? How long should people have to watch it? The next day. You can talk about it.

That's it. The next fucking day. Oh, yeah. Sure, sure. That's it. If you miss it, you missed it. You mean like if you... Oh, no. Oh, you mean like... Like on a podcast. Like if you're going to spoil it the next fucking day oh yeah sure sure that's it if you miss it you mean like oh no oh you mean like on a podcast like if you're gonna spoil it for other people

you haven't seen it how long they get oh oh no too bad the next day that's cool that's cool i kind of think give people 48 hours what if you had a wedding on sunday you know what are you supposed to watch it on your phone they gotta lay that out for you they gotta let you know though they gotta i'm going to a wedding've got to let you know, though. I'm going to a wedding, so they've got to let you know ahead of time, I think. Tell who ahead of time? HBO? No, no, no.

The person that's going to the wedding. Oh, you know. Oh, no. Wait. Wait. Who's telling who? I'm saying. What?

What? Okay. Okay. Succession. Yeah. You're on it. Yeah. And it must have been a blast. Yeah. And it airs. Okay. Succession. Yeah. You're on it. Yeah. And it must have been a blast.

Yeah. And it airs Sunday nights. It does. And some people have things to do Sunday, but they love the show. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And so they're going to watch it Monday. They just need to avoid the people that have seen it, you know? They just have to.

Well, that's tough when it's a hit. Too bad. You can't do everything. You can't do everything. No. Yeah. Okay. Connor is the firstborn.

Yeah. But he kind of has last child energy. Yeah. Why do you think they take him the least seriously when they're all stupid and useless? Different mother. Different mother. That's all it is. He's like the bastard child of the king, you know. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. Do you want me to elaborate? No. Because I don't really have anything. No, that's funny. That's funny. I can tell. He really enjoyed it.

Where have you filmed that you most felt like you could live forever? Italy. Italy. Yeah. Siena. That's like a real old city. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, they're all pretty old.

Yeah. They have pizza there? I had the best pasta carbonara I've ever had in my life. That's cool. Yeah, yeah. They probably know how to make it real good there. Yeah, yeah. They got it down.

That's cool. I thought that might have been the kind of thing where it's in America, but it's not over there. Because sometimes we do that. You'll say, oh, I really like chicken tikka masala. And then someone will be like, that's not authentic. I'm like, okay, I don't know. When I was a kid, they used to put the word French in front of everything, like French dry cleaners. Yeah.

What does that mean? What does that mean? I don't know. What's French vanilla? I don't know, but it's good. It's just yellow vanilla. Yeah, it's a little yellow. Maybe the eggs, there's eggs.

You think it's eggs? Yeah. But it's also a Dunkin' Donuts flavor. There's no eggs in that coffee. Are you sure? I'm not sure. I'm not sure. Which real-life Supreme Court justice do you think Conor Roy would have totally appropriate billionaire-to-justice platonic relationship with?

Brett. Brett. You think it'd be Brett? You think it'd be Brett? Yeah, like this. Like that. Beer buddies. Beer buddies with Brett.

Yeah. Yeah, that feels right. BBB. That feels right. Now, you starred as Cameron in Ferris Bueller's Day Off. Beer buddies. Beer buddies with Brett. Yeah. Yeah, that feels right. BBB. That feels right. Now, you starred as Cameron in Ferris Bueller's Day Off. I did. Now, there is something of a conspiracy theory that Connor and Cameron are either the same character or tied together in some way, that they're both these sons of rich guys

who are scared of their dad. Do you connect them in the performance? Have you thought about how they're connected to each other? No, it's been so long I've forgotten everything. Every aspect of it? Yeah, pretty much. That's cool. I see the movie every now and then.

I'm like, oh yeah, that was me. That's weird. Yeah. You've been famous for so long. Kind of, sort of, yeah. What's that like? People are nice to me. that's weird yeah you've been famous for so long kinda sorta yeah what's that like people are nice to me they are

I have friends I actually have some friends that are sort of like movie stars and they get hassled watch your feet everybody's names are dropping huh

boom boom you're friends with movie stars that's cool yeah couple of them wow yeah but you're real famous

I don't know am I yeah for sure. All right. You get stopped all the time. Everyone's like, oh my God. More now. More now.

Yeah. More now. More now. And in New York, a lot. Yeah. Yeah. Is it like a drug? For a while, you got clean, and now it's like, oh my God, I need more of it.

I want to fucking taste it. I was clean for so long. And then, but try to put the cork back in that bottle, you know, it's just not gonna happen. It's not gonna happen. No. It's over, man. It's over? Yeah. That's it. I don't think so. Okay. I hope

not. What's on that card? I want you to know something. If what you're feeling is that I'm bringing a weird energy to this, you're totally right. I'm very comfortable. What's your ideal day off? Really?

Just in life, yeah. Yeah, hanging out with my kids. Oh. In bed with my wife. Hey. Or hanging out with my kids. Yeah. Nice.

That'll do it. Like mini golf? Haven't done that in a long time. You want out with my kids. Yeah. Nice. That'll do it. Like mini golf? Haven't done that in a long time. You want to go? Yeah. We can go over to Los Feliz, right? Yeah, sure. It's probably not open now.

No, no. It's probably late. I have no idea what time it is. It's like a casino in here. Yeah. That's how we like it. That's why the carpet's so weird. And now for a game we're calling

Ruck Around and Find Out. Okay. Hey, when you proposed, did you ever think of saying, let's make this ruck me a ruck us? I never thought of that. I just thought. It just came to you right now.

Right now, in this moment. What do you think? I think you're a very talented fellow. You can take it. As long as your wife doesn this moment. What do you think? I think you're a very talented fellow. You can take it. As long as your wife doesn't listen. I need you to write it down for me, because I'm older now, limited attention span. Let's make this ruck me or ruck us.

All right. This is good. Here's how the game works. All right. I'm going to read you an absolutely brutal burn that was either said by a despicable person on succession, a despicable person from Veep, or a despicable person who was our last and next president. Oh, no.

Oh my God. All you have to do is say Succession, Veep, or Trump. Are you ready? Yeah. Alan Ruck. Yeah. Where did this insult come from? That's got to be Donald.

That was Trump. Still a dick. Still a dick Still a dick Hey did you see when Heidi Klum dressed up as a bug? No was it great? It's insane She really brings it on Halloween Did this come from 48 time Emmy nominee Succession Or 59 time Emmy nominee Veep

Or 22 time sexual assault accusy Donald Trump You're not even a man You're like an early draft of a man Where they just sketched out a giant mangled skeleton but they didn't have time to add details like pigment or self-respect. You're Frankenstein's monster if the monster was made entirely of dead dicks. Wow. It's a sick burn.

I'm going to say Veep. You got it. Okay. Next quote. I think what he meant to say is that he wished mom gave birth to a can opener because at least then it would be useful. That's my show. That is your show. That was Roman to

Connor. Yeah. So mean. Yeah. Mean sibs. My baby brother. They call him meth head Santa because he so rarely delivers. Veep, Succession, or Trump? Succession. Yes. Okay. It was Hugo about Senator Gil Evis.

You look like the world's least fucked geisha. It sounds like it should be Succession, but I don't know. Succession. It was Veep. You knew. I felt that you knew. I was doing so well. Alright, next insult. I look at your face, and no offense, you knew, you knew. I felt that you knew. I was doing so well. All right, next insult.

I look at your face, and no offense, but I see dead babies. Oh, that's, again, that was Roman. No, you said this. I look at you, and I see Weimar. I see hyperinflation. I look at your face, and no offense, but I see dead babies. Yeah, you and me? That's very interesting.

Yeah. I like that the Connor character has these libertarian politics. That guy, Harlan Crow, the Koch brothers, these sons of billionaires, they do develop this complex about like,

we gotta do it all ourselves, even though they never did it themselves. Never did a damn thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Can I ask you a question? Sure. I guess I,

of course I can. You're stuck here until I say it's over, I suppose. That's right. One thing that's amazing about Succession, broadly, and your performance in it is, in a lot of ways, it's a comedy without reaction shots and without doing what comedies do, which is show you the joke, as in the character knows they are saying something. Connor never lets down the

guard and says, I'm full of shit, because that's not what people do. They perform for each other and hold that fakeness. I think that's the tone of the show. I think we all do that. We don't wink at the audience. We play to the smart guy. Connor is not a joke to Connor. Oh, no, no.

It's his life. I mean, you know. I'm not a joke to me. Don't, don't, don't go, don't. I didn't. I really wouldn't. I teed you up so well. My life is a joke to me, but that's something I'm working on.

No, that's something I'm working on. You can't fix that here. All right. And this sounds like something I'd say to the producers of this show. You have two settings, no decision and bad decision. I wouldn't let you run a bath without having the Coast Guard and the fire department standing by. You are the worst thing to happen to America since food in buckets and maybe slavery.

That must be Veep. That's Veep. It was Amy to Selena. Next, you look like a dildo dipped in beard trimmings. You know, there are a lot of the same writers, you know. Veep. Succession.

Succession. It was Roman to Stewie. And finally, this is an insult because it sounds like a good time. What's it like being married to a man with two assholes? That's my show. That's Succession. That was Hugo to Shiv. Alan Ruck, this has been a pleasure.

Thank you. Thank you for being such a good sport. You'll be back for Hot Takes. Hey, and catch Succession every Sunday. I'm trying to help. We're going to get this thing off the ground. Alan Ruck, everybody. He'll be back.

Thank you so much. That was good. That was good. Thank you. And we be back. Thank you so much. That was good. That was good. And we're back. There's a saying in show business for when things go wrong. Get me Gwyneth Paltrow's ski lawyer. But there's an older one.

The show must go on. No one knew that better than the director of Broadway's Spider-Man Turn Off the Dark, who delivered this rousing speech to the casting crew in 2011. I'll make this quick. You've all heard this spiel before. It seems that once again, one of our talented performers has plummeted from a great height onto the hard, hard stage. On this occasion, the performer in question fractured both wrists and completely borked the end of act 1. I think I speak for the whole company when I say enough. We are professionals. None of you

should have an unattached safety harness that sends you plunging into the orchestra pitch. But when it does, you work that in to your performance. How would the character of Doc Ock react to a concussion and a shattered femur? Would he lie there screaming until the house lights came up?

No! He would sing, and by God, he would find a way to dance. Now let's reset these stunt doubles on their old frayed ropes, make sure the Klieg lights are secured with their rubber bands, give everyone their pre-show half an addy, and take it from the top. This is Broadway,

goddammit, and people come here to see Spider-Man. Don't go anywhere. This is Love It or Leave It, and there's more on the way. Love It or Leave It is brought to you by Burrow. So you'll be relieved to hear this. Burrow is bringing their expertise in the living room

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With Helix, better sleep starts now. And we're back. Reality TV. We're all watching it. But are we? I'm not. And as a result, I'm boxed out of a lot of conversations. Sure, I could pretend to have an opinion about Tom Sandoval cheating on Ariana with Raquel. But it would be difficult because this is the first I'm hearing of it on this card that someone else wrote.

I don't even know if these are real people. I would read whatever it said here. Dianne Feinstein for president. Anyway, here to give me a crash course in reality TV so that I'm not stuck reading books when the WGA goes on strike, please welcome back to the show Pat Regan and Marcy Jaro. Hi. Hello. Hi. Did you see Alan Ruck? I did. And I just want to say that just because we're not on succession doesn't mean we're not electric performers. So I would hope you give us the same respect that you gave him.

I don't need to say that. Everyone knows it immediately. Thank you for clearing me here. No problem. Just some housekeeping up top. I'm realizing that's a great way to open a date. I've never thought of saying that. Before we start, just some housekeeping.

Yeah, I start every date by saying, elephant in the room, I'm not on succession. Respect me. But you could actually just lay out your baggage. You know? Here are the things I'm going to slowly meet out over the next two hours, if you're lucky. All right. Do you agree?

Two hours is a long first date. Well, if it's good. You know, I'm saying if you're lucky. How do you both feel about the state of reality right now? Not reality TV, the world. Oh, my God. Kind of above our pay grade, don't you think? I'm going to say it's a mid.

Yeah. I'm not really that into it right now. Yeah? I'm going to say it's a mid. Yeah. I'm not really that into it right now. Yeah, I'm going to give it a strong mid. It's like we didn't bounce back right, and then it's just sort of like muddling around and being like, I guess things are going to be bad. Yeah. We're like a spider, but someone ripped one of our legs off.

Yeah. Are there any, think about it. Multiple legs. I think it's multiple. Are there any fictional places, like Salt Lake City or Beverly Hills, that you wish were real? I mean, now that you mention it, like Beverly Hills seems really nice. But anytime I've gone in that area, it doesn't seem nice at all.

No parking. People don't talk about it enough. They don't talk about it enough. There is no parking. No. No parking. I will take this opportunity to address that i don't have a car and so i can't speak to that some new material i've heard about this for 45 minutes backstage

yeah i disclosed to my cast mates that i don't have a car it's a real big anxiety for him honestly i'm gonna get one one day um a place that i wish was real like darren stars new york kind of like in just like that kind of the new york of and just like I'm going to get one one day. A place that I wish was real, like Darren Stars New York. Yes. Kind of like in Just Like That. Kind of the New York of in Just Like That. Yeah. What if that was real?

That would be cool. Or what about the LA of the movie Volcano? Where everything is 10 minutes away. I would love that. That'd be so cool. Hey, did you also learn about the geography of LA from the movie Volcano? No, not at all. I learned about it from La La Land. And I learned about it from Vanderpump Rules.

Well, that's a good transition to Vanderpump Rules. We've established that I am not a reality TV person. I'm barely a person at all. But I do need an escape from this wretched world and I don't know where to begin. So I'm going to need you to take me to school in a segment we're calling Reality TV 101. Hey. Hey, question. What reality TV personality do you think you're most like?

Oh, Kate Chastain from Below Deck. Oh, wow. When I saw her on Traders just throwing other people's money away, I was like, that's me. Bad attitude. Yep. Nice.

And then for me i would say like vanessa lachey because i think i'm a scientist but i'm not very biased as well and i'm extremely biased very biased i was obsessed with the gwyneth paltrow trial going off that one piece of hard information plus anything else you think you know about me what reality tv show should I be watching? Oh gosh, I could have a doc for you. A documentary? That is not the question. I know, okay, okay.

Let me, um... Okay, I'll see myself out. Would you say that to Sarah Schnuck is my question. I'm being mistreated for not being on Succession and it's not cool. Yeah. Tell us the doc. No, I just think that the Gwyneth Paltrow

trial reminds me kind of of the staircase because I personally believe the owl theory. I believe owl theory re-Gwyneth's ski accident. I think that it was an owl. You think an owl took them both out? I think an owl took them both out. And then they pointed fingers. And they were like, who did it? It was the owl.

It was clearly an owl. it was clearly an owl it was clearly an owl absolutely talon marks that's what it was and that's how you bleed so much just from a little scratch from a bird now you're back to the staircase yeah i thought where were we at no well we were i was i think we're talking about uh dr terry sanderson's rib injuries but i guess we were on the staircase but i think actually if you like the Gwyneth Ski trial, I think you could go for Salt Lake City. You'll get the legal drama. You'll get the kind of

there are no heroes here situation. Yeah, that's true. There's a lot of federal judges and stuff involved. Federal judges, that's cool. I'm going to say, even though I already said Below Deck, I'm going to say Below Deck Sailing Yacht. We're only on season four right now, so you can start at the beginning.

You're really going to like Daisy. She's one of the best stews. You get to see the world. And then there's just Gary. Everyone wants to make out with Gary, and they do make out with Gary. And you get to watch them have sex in their bunks sometimes. And that's only like two and a half feet of space you have to work with. So it's kind of amazing.

And they have night vision cameras. So you really see it all. I have to get back into below deck. Cause I haven't seen it since that season where there was, there was a woman called Rocky. Oh yeah. She is wild. She had a passion for musical theater.

Who doesn't? And she had sex with a bosun in the laundry room and she, and he denied it, but then eventually did admit to it. Yeah. And there was a lot of controversy that season because it came out that the chef had not worked on yachts as he'd insinuated. He actually had worked on cruises,

which is completely different. That is different. And so that is different. And so everyone hated him and was mean to him. And then Rocky emerged from the ironing room and said, if you're mean to him, I'm leaving. And then she dove off of the boat in her underwear

and swam away. And then she swam back and was like, I'm back. Yeah. Do you guys ever see Whale Wars? No.

Oh, man. I loved Whale Wars. Do they scream at each other? There's no sex. There's just Japanese whaling. Oh. And it's about

stopping them from getting the whales. But it's sad because they're not very good at it. Yeah. So it's man versus whale or getting the whales but it's sad because they're not very good at it. Yeah, so it's man versus whale or man versus man or whale versus whale? It's man versus man versus whale.

Okay. And I firmly believe, given the timeline, what happened was James Cameron, fresh off his post-Avatar vacay, thought he would relax, he turned on the TV, he saw 10 minutes of Whale Wars and said, I know what the next 20 years of my life

are about it's about space whales and saving them and that's what he did wow because if you've seen the most recent Avatar

and we all did and we all did and we and we all did we all saw the other recent ones too right

I've seen all the avatars. I've seen every single avatar. The prequel, the sequel, the reboot. I love all each. I can't pick my favorite. Blue people, blue people, blue people. There's too many to choose. Hey, question.

What's the latest with Scandival? Oh, I'm glad you asked. We're glad you asked. And we have a whiteboard here if it's useful. Scandival is so interesting because it's affecting the whole culture in this way. We're like people who don't necessarily have what we traditionally considered a personality. Now I think they can just say Scandival and like create connection with you.

Yeah. And it works. Of course. And that's all I need. Yeah. I only need an opening for me to talk. And so. So it's sports.

This is sports. It is. You're talking about sports. It's like, but it's also like small town gossip. And the small town is like West Hollywood slash now the Valley. They moved up there to the Valley. And so the latest thing, though, for I'm sure everyone knows at least that like there was a cheating scandal where Tom Sandoval cheated on his longtime girlfriend Ariana with her best friend Raquel, who's a dummy.

But he sucks, too. The latest thing is he called TMZ on himself this week to say, oh, guys, I don't want to answer any questions. Raquel's in a mental institution right now. She don't even have her phone with her. And it was like, what? He's like, I don't want to say this at all. Then don't say it. If someone's in a mental institution,

don't just happen to say it on a street corner while you're unloading shit for your bar. Imagine you literally have a psychotic break. You go to get help and you're like, this is your roommate. It's Raquel in a brimmed hat. She always wears brimmed hats. It's crazy.

It's crazy. You know, when you move to LA, you quickly learn that it's like one of the easiest to spot red flags is the hat. You just, it's, you know what I mean? And when you first moved to LA, you think, oh, do I need a hat? And then you realize, no. Yes. And when you first moved to LA, you often don't have a car yet.

I've always said, and I've always said that. Question. These that. Question. These people. Yes. The best, worst people. Sandoval, Raquel. Ariana. Ariana.

When the cameras are off, what are their work emails about? You know what I mean? Yeah. Like, what do they do for money? Tom Sandoval doesn't make money with a band, but he does pay people to be in a band with him. Yeah. Like, what do they do for money? Tom Sandoval doesn't make money with a band, but he does pay people to be in a band with him. Yeah. His band is in the red as of current. Yes, they're not doing great. Tom Sandoval and the Most Extras is the name of the band. He actually did have a business, but he would have to leave work opening up a bar that was really behind schedule so that he could go pay his band to practice with him to do covers.

It's a cover band? He can't be writing his own music. It's funny. Now that you say that, I would be surprised to know that any of the current Vanderpump cast has a Gmail account. I don't know if...

I think it's mostly DMs and text messages. Yeah, I think they communicate through DMs. I don't know that email has gotten to them yet. No, no, they missed it. They just missed it. Which one of us do you think is sexy and unique restaurant? Which is pump? And who do you think is Tom Tom or Schwartz

and Sandy's? Okay, I know this. Everyone be careful because just because someone's gay doesn't mean they're pumped. Okay. Wow, are you psychic now? I'm pumped, obviously. i knew that yeah you're definitely pumped uh you're gonna be sir hey and i'm shorts and sandys because i'm east side till i die oh interesting i didn't know that shorts and sandys was east side until in this most recent episode when james kennedy

threw a beer in tom's face he said something like you're stupid restaurant and shitty little stupid fucking Silver Lake town or whatever. Yeah, in the butthole of Silver Lake, Michigan. It's in Franklin Village, guys. It's very different than Silver Lake. Well, I learned my geography from Vanderpump Girls. Do you know about Sir?

You have the dirtiest bathrooms in West Hollywood, if you can believe it. What the fuck? I almost would call you, John, Villa Blanca. I think you are Villa Blanca. Is that a compliment? It's very. Yeah, it's upscale.

What Lisa Vanderpump always says about her first three restaurants, Villa Blanca, Sir, and Pump, is that Villa Blanca is where you take your wife, Sir is where you take your mistress, and Pump is where you take your boyfriend. So I take my wife there. And that's the compliment. It's a fancy place for straight married men.

And that's what you think of. We're moving on. People take their wife to you. Oh, what? Okay, Pat, it feels like at some point during COVID, every gay person decided to watch all of Survivor. Yeah, it's upsetting to me. It is.

Well, I've just watched it in real time since 2000, like a normal person. Oh, so it used to be that little show that only you knew about? No, it was a show that was huge, came on after the Super Bowl. Everyone left. Everyone left. Everyone left. Some of us stayed, and then everyone came back. So I welcomed them.

I left and came back, because I watched, you didn't sound welcoming, I watched the first season and now I'm catching up. So you watched just the first season? I watched the first, the second, and the first half of season three in real time. Okay.

And then I abandoned. Wow. For 15 years. Yeah. I just got busy. Totally. I was a veil. Why do you think it's coming

back so hard? What happened? I would hate to say that it's because of me. I'm just one person. But I don't know. It's very interesting. I think like a few gay people started watching it. Here's the problem. There's some of us who were like 20 and closeted and Parvati saved our lives

when she was on TV. And there's some people who didn't know about Parvati until like last year. And now they're like meeting up with Parvati. I know who you mean. You do. Yeah, I do. But I love them. Why are all the doctor housewives anesthesiologists?

Oh, that's a great question. What is it about that field? It's a very difficult job, right? They only figured out what they were doing in 2020. They didn't know how anesthesia worked until then. Did you know that? Doesn't it seem like you turn a knob until they're asleep and then turn it off? Yeah, it's really easy to turn that knob too far, though.

Yeah, famously. And then sometimes not enough, and then you have that thing where you're awake during the surgery. Yeah, I think it's because they don't get dirty, so they can have nails. Yeah. Let's roll the clip. My hand in yours tumblers. It keeps things hot and cold. Hot and cold.

Amazing. We have the my hand in yours license plate holder. Wow. We have a wind chime. Jamie, let me just say, that is the chicest wind chime I have ever had. Thank you, darling. This dog leash. Stop it right now.

A lavender candle. It's very chic. These are the hats. So chic. Little snugglies. Really very chic. That was us to Alan backstage. Oh, my God.

The popcorn, the way you eat it, amazing. Just so starstruck by someone. So first question, is reality TV just the human equivalent of a ball of yarn for cats? Is that what it is for you? Something that we can put in front of you to entertain you while we're at work? Wow. Is that too bad? entertain you while we're at work? Wow. Is that too bad? Yeah.

While we're at work? I get paid to watch reality TV, sir. It's work. And I do it for free, and that's harder. But wait, what was Jamie Lee Curtis doing there? Kyle was in Halloween with her.

Who was Kyle? Kyle Richardson. Richard? Richard. Oh, me. Oh, my God. Who was Kyle? That was the brunette sitting next to her.

She's Paris Hilton's aunt. Yes. What? Yeah. But she, as a child, was in Halloween and then was in the- Jamie Lee Curtis. No. Yes.

Oh, Kyle, yeah. Kyle was in Halloween. Yeah, so she's known Jamie Lee Curtis since she was a little kid, but they've been in the past two Halloweens together as well. Huh. Yes. Oh, Kyle, yeah. Kyle was in Halloween. Yeah, so she's known Jamie Lee Curtis since she was a little kid, but they've been in the past two Halloweens together as well. Huh. Huh. I know, right? Hollywood.

And Harris Hilton is the aunt. Harris Hilton is the niece. Niece. Is the blonde woman really learning about thermoses for the first time? There's a real possibility. Because she's really bad. But wait a second. Keeps hot things hot, cold things cold.

What are you, some kind of a fucking witch? You have to imagine when people are that rich, they just buy one thing to keep something hot. And then they buy something to keep something cold. So they didn't know you could do a two for one. Yeah. She's not buying bargain bins, stuff like that. No. With the re, I always get the impression that she's just so pleased to have thought of

something, anything to say. She says chic several times. And I don't think she knows what that means. No, I don't think she knows what it means, but I think she's also like, she knows it's a word. I think she thinks it means sleek. Do you think she thinks chic means sleek? It could. She's like, that looks slippery.

Yeah, she thought it was a very slippery wind chime. Marcy. Yes. Please talk about the history of LGBTQ people on 90 Day Fiancé franchises. A history I'm choosing to assume exists because love is love. Yes, because right now we have the first trans

relationship. Gabe is a trans man and he is engaged to a woman, Isabel, and had to recently come out to her family because he, before he asked for her hand in marriage. It is really amazing.

And he's like, there's been some controversy about like how intrusive people have been about asking questions on the show, whether it's like friends, doctors, family members, but it seems like he's really educating people about his journey becoming a man. It's amazing. Interesting.

There's some other gay people too, but Gabe's on my mind right now because Gabe's amazing. Are there LGBTQ housewives, Pat? Yeah, in the new New York there's a lesbian, I believe. It's not real yet. It's not real yet? The show isn't real yet? She hasn't kissed a girl yet. The show's not real yet that's not real yet the show isn't real yet or she hasn't kissed a girl yet the show's not real yet um there's a lot of bi yeah there's a lot of bi happening

there's a woman in oc who like became sober and a lesbian in early oc do you remember there was that lesbian that party where tamra put on a hat with an eye on it and it was she said it was the evil eye and then she looked at someone and someone was like, are you looking at me with the evil eye hat? And she was like, yeah. At that party, there was a woman who was a lesbian. Oh, and then of course, Miami. Of course.

Yeah, there's that tennis player. Oh, yeah. Sounds like you're just making up something. No, I don't know tennis people. Martina. Wait, I'm't know tennis people. Martina. Wait, I'm sorry. Martina Navratilova? Her wife.

Her wife. You're telling me tennis legend Martina Navratilova. Yes. Her wife. Marina Martino. Yeah, whatever. Is on Real Housewives of Miami. Yeah.

And she appears quite a bit. Is Martina Navratilova on Real Housewives? Yeah. Yeah. And their drama is that like Martina... Too many chickens and goats. They're farmers but like they're not connecting right now in their marriage and so

basically Martina wants to have dinners but basically what happened is the daughters have moved away because they're adults and so her wife for some reason feels that like it's sad to go to dinner and come home and no one's there. So because the daughters are gone she's not willing to go to dinners anymore. And they might have another baby.

Yeah, they might have another baby. Oh. They're having trouble. Well, I think that's famously when you're having trouble in your relationship. Yeah. Had a baby. Yeah, a bad relationship is an amazing springboard for a child. Also, they're trying to adopt a child in Florida in this moment.

Complicated, right? Wow. But they need to go to dinners. Yes, they really need to go to dinners. They need to come home to that baby. They gotta go to dinner.

See, it's real life, though. Yeah. It seems like it is. Is that a ball of yarn, John? Is that a ball of yarn? That's a good place to leave it. Thank you so much, Pat and Mar Marcy go listen to Pat's podcast

Seek Treatment where he doesn't get paid to watch reality TV not a penny and Marcy's 90 day bay and Elle is for losers where she does oh and everybody watch Hacks if you want if you want

if you want so just this is a show where we plug shows that need help like Hacks and Succession If you want. If you want. If you want. If you want. If you want. So this is a show where we plug shows that need help, like Hacks and Succession. Try to give them a little love it or leave it bump. When we come back, we've got some hot takes. And we're back. Before we get to hot takes, Crooked's newest pod, Pod Save the UK, is launching May 4th.

And if you're interested in politics, you're going to love this show. It's in a special bonus episode. Me, John, and Tommy sat down with the hosts Nish Kumar and Coco Khan to tackle really important questions like what the phrase chat shit get banged means, how to turn political outrage into action, and what really happened to the Queen's corgis. Were they put down? No, no, no. But if you listen faintly, you could hear them scratching at the lid of her coffin. Oh, my God.

Here's a sneak peek. I do not understand how you tolerate those people having all those rooms in Buckingham Palace. Get them out and turn it into apartments. It's enough. But the problem is, if we got them out and removed them from apartments because of the location in central London, we'd be trading our royal family for the Saudi royal family. We had such a good time recording the episode. Nish and Coco are awesome everyone is going to

love pod save the uk whether you're in the uk or elsewhere for more of this crossover episode watch now on the pod save the world youtube or listen and subscribe to pod save the uk wherever you get your podcasts everybody subscribe all right now it's time for a segment we call hot takes let's welcome alan and har Hari back to the stage. Join Marcy and Pat. All right, now for a segment we call Hot Takes. Here's how it works. We'll each have 30 seconds to defend

an absolutely horrible opinion as if it were actually our own. Did anyone tell you about this segment, Alan? Yeah, I'd heard about it. We each get one skip, but beware, what you skip may be worse. As my elementary school gym teacher used to say stop skipping now the thing that hot takes is i truly haven't seen any of them not mine not

yours we really it really is uh we do it legit all right let's see the first hot take i thought about it i'm happy rbg didn't retire i think respecting the wishes of any given individual is more important than the impact of those wishes on others. Yes. Look, obviously I called on Senator Dianne Feinstein to retire because I think California should have two senators. But I have come to understand that that is sexist. If we had an absent senator who happened to be an 89-year-old man who couldn't return and was holding up important judges

who could protect choice, I would love it. Thank you. All right, let's see. Wow. Yeah, that's my opinion. Wow. Sorry you had to hear about it this way. Let's see what's next.

Moms have it tough but being a dad is harder my partner's gonna hear this all right um yeah let's do it okay you don't know what the pressures of being a dad when when you can't provide milk and they're just looking at you like you're the one without the milk. As if my nipples have no value at all. That's a devastating feeling as if I'm somehow, oh God. And also the weight you put on from childbirth, from the sympathy, the sympathy weight, nobody ever talks about that. So it's harder because nobody thinks

about us. No, it sounds terrible. Nobody ever thinks about the men. Yeah, no one thinks about men. Really good point, Hari. Thank you. Let's see what's next. Of all the things I am, son, writer, friend, comedian, runner, lover,

I am most proud to be a podcaster. You know, yeah, I i'm definitely gonna do it um podcasting is so important and when you get to meet a new person and they say do you have a podcast and you get to say yes that's that's an amazing feeling and yeah you know i work so on so many things but the thing I work the hardest at is, of course, talking about what sandwich I ate yesterday into the ether on a podcast. I think what I do is absolute

art, and I think that it will be taught in history books one day. Thank you, Bat. All right. Up next. Oh, fuck. I legitimately think Conor Roy would be among the better U.S. presidents. Let's look at the record.

Let's go back to 2016. When a large orange man... Well, it was actually 2015 when he came down the escalator and he made his announcement, I think that Conor Roy would hands down beat Donald Trump in arm wrestling or Indian wrestling. It's probably politically incorrect, but I don't care. Or garbage can lid tossing. And this is why I think he'd be an excellent president. It's a really important point.

Thank you for sharing that. Oh, Marcy. it's a really important point thank you for sharing that I find being single and dating at age 40 to be a delight don't you agree love it you know what I do actually find it to be a delight the alternatives that I could be in

in a very unhappy marriage with any man I've ever met before this moment in time would be so much worse. Literally never met a man that I think would make me happy. Happier than dating men in their early 30s who are trying really hard to make themselves seem important to me.

No alternative is better. I would agree. I would agree. Thank you for sharing that. All right, let's see what's next. I try to be cool about it, but it really hurts my feelings if somebody doesn't know who I am

or if they think I'm John Lovitz or Lyle Lovitz. I'm smarter, funnier, more talented than they are, and people should know who I am. No, let's do the next one. I can't defend that. Jesus! Yeah! I don't agree with everything Tucker's ever said,

just the race stuff. Here's why I should be more famous than John Lovitz. I try to be cool about it, but it really hurts my feelings if somebody doesn't know who I am or if they think I'm John Lovitz or Lyle Lovitz. I'm smarter, funnier, and more talented than they are, and people should know who I am. All right, let's see what's next. I hope my baby pursues comedy.

Oh, God, you have no idea how i want to be the second most famous comedian whose last name is kundabolu i have had this pressure of being the most famous kundabolu and finally for someone else to take and i want my child to you know stay in hampton Inns throughout their 20s. And that is seen as success because it's a Hilton property. And I want my child to miss birthdays and weddings and not get into any serious relationships until he's at his prime in his late 30s. And do you want me to keep going?

No, you got it. No, because I want him to hear this and know, do not do stand-up comedy. It is a scam. It is not something any of us should be pursuing. It is against God's will. Thank you, Hari.

All right, what's next? I'm happy about Don't Say Gay. Maybe if fewer people had said gay around me I wouldn't have to be gay okay yeah I'll do it yeah I mean listen all I ever hear these days is gay gay gay I'm so sick and tired of it

I think that maybe I would perhaps be working in finance with a snatched wife with gorgeous hair had people not said gay towards me when I was 12 years old. I'm instead living in a house where I'm a gay podcaster and this could have been avoided had no one thought to say gay to me.

And so I'm really upset about that. Thank you, Pat. All right. Who's up next? I don't think television needs writers. Real actors can come up with stuff on their own. Alan. Alright, now let's see what happens next week when this whole town goes on strike. People like me are going to be strutting their stuff

in and out of executives' offices showing where the true talent lies. With egomaniacal, look-at-me kind of people with whom I've spent most of my life. That was great. That was great. Let's see what's next.

Oh, okay. I can't wait to spend money on whatever epic girl boss collab that Elizabeth Holmes and Jen Shaw come up with during their stint at Camp Brian. I honestly can't. Do you know what happens when you put the moxie of those two women together in prison

where they have time to really think and not focus so much on how they're trying to keep up their lies. When you give these women a chance and put their genius, because you can't be that evil and not be genius for so long. You don't know what kind of amazing thing they're going to come up with.

And I think prison is great for women. Marcy, that was amazing. Thank you. We have one more. I don't agree with everything Don Lemon has ever said. Just the stuff about women. All right. When we come back, we'll end on a high note.

Not going to do it. That's hot takes, everybody. And we're back. Because we all need it this week, here it is, the high note. Hey, love it. My name is Brian, and my high note is a long time ago, my brother turned me on to your podcast. It's fucking hysterical.

And I have ADHD, and I also smoke a lot of weed. And the high note was on the podcast this week, she said ADHD and losing your wallet, getting high. And last night, about whatever, 420, I got high and lost my wallet and then asked to borrow money because I couldn't find my phone on my phone. So that was my high moment. I don't know. I'm high.

Hi, John. My name is Henry. I'm calling from Humboldt County, California. high note for me is I finally advocated for myself at work and asked for an alternate work schedule that works with my disability, and it was granted. Now when I go to work, I'm not exhausted, and I'm not broken, and I have the energy to make it through my full work week, and I love my job, and now I get to actually be good at my job. So thanks. Thanks for all that you do. Thank you.

Hi, I love it. This is Lindsay from Toronto, Canada. Well, I've been saving this one for a long time. I am leaving Canada after living on Vancouver Island for most of my life, moving to Toronto for five years, and now I'm moving to Alabama. And the reason I'm moving to Alabama is because I'm going to do a Ph.D., and I'm going to do a Ph.D. in football. And just ask Tommy and John about that,

but the stuff that you will like is I will be doing it through the lens of critical cultural theory, which is all this stuff that Puddinghands wants to ban. So that's race, gender, sex, and sexuality, civil rights, social justice at the intersection of the NFL. Let me know what I can do down there. I'm Canadian, but God dang it,

I'll canvass my ass off. So protest. Yep, as long as I don't get arrested because I do want to complete the PhD, but yeah, I'll be there for you. Whatever you guys need, let me know. Okay. Have a good night. Love you. Hi, John. My name is Kate and I'm a volunteer with Moms Demand Action for Gun Sense in America. And my high note today is that Governor Inslee here in Washington State signed into law three amazing gun violence and gun safety

provisions of law. The first to prohibit sale and manufacture of assault weapons. The second to increase gun industry accountability. And the third to require waiting periods and safety training for all firearm purchases. And we also worked on promoting secure storage practices. And this took years of hard work by a Gun Sense Coalition of volunteers, organizations, Gun Sense legislators. I couldn't be more grateful and hope that this sends a ripple of hope to all my fellow listeners.

So thank you for all that you do. Bye. Thanks to everyone who sent in a high note tonight. If you want to leave us a message about something that gave you hope, call us at 323-538-2377. That is our show. Thank you so much to Hari Kondabolu,

Marci Jaro, Pat Regan, and Alan Ruck. There are 556 days until the 2024 elections. Thank you for coming out and have a great weekend. Love It or Leave It is a Crooked Media production. It is written and produced by me, Thank you. Peter Miller, Rebecca Kaplan, Alan Pierre, and Chandler Dean are our writers. Bill Lance is our editor, and Kyle Seglin and Stephen Colon are our audio engineers. Our theme song is written and performed by Sure Sure. Thanks to our designers, Jesse McLean and Caroline Haywood, for creating and running all of our visuals, which you can't see because this is a podcast, and to our digital producers, Zuri Ervin, Milo Kim, Mia Kelman, and Matt DeGroote, for filming and editing video each week so you can. You can find those glorious videos at our YouTube page,

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