Lovett or Leave It - America's Next Top Secret

Episode Date: January 28, 2023

Whether you’re on the lanai or inside Los Angeles’s beautiful Dynasty Typewriter theater, this week’s Lovett Or Leave It thanks you for being a friend. Gabe Mollica platonically speed dates our other guests, in search of a real connection. Zach Schiffman and Carl Tart answer the question, “what’s a few misplaced classified documents between pals?” Lovett has a monopoly on our live audience’s understanding of what the hell a monopoly is. The Earth’s molten core (Alyssa Limperis) turns up the heat, and we gather our friends and lovers together to bask in the warming glow of all these Hot Takes. For a closed-captioned version of this episode, click here. For a transcript of this episode, please email [e-mail] and include the name of the podcast. 

Good evening, Los Angeles. Welcome to Love It or Leave It, live or else. Oscar nominations are out, seasonal depression is in, and it's the last week of the year you can tell someone Happy New Year before you realize you haven't seen them for all of January. Maybe you aren't as close to them as you once thought. We've got a great show for you tonight. Gabe Mollica is here, and he's thirsty for a friend.

Zach Schiffman and Carl Tartt will get to the bottom of what's top secret. The Earth's core is here, and even though I'm gay, I gotta say she's hot as hell. We quiz you on the monopolies making a mockery of our otherwise perfect capitalist marketplace and some hot takes. But first, let's get into it. What a week. Arizona Democrat Ruben Gallego announced that he will be running for Kyrsten Sinema's Senate seat in 2024 after the Arizona senator switched to independent last month.

Time will tell if Gallego can speak to the issue that matters most to working-class Arizonans, maintaining the 60-vote threshold for cloture in the United States Senate. Meanwhile, California Congressman Adam Schiff has officially thrown his hat in the ring for Dianne Feinstein's Senate seat. Dianne Feinstein picked up the hat and said,

oh, look, a hat, and bit into it. It's going to be a crowded primary there's shift katie porter barbara lee diane feinstein the three staffers who operate diane feinstein's limbs white house chief of staff ron klain will reportedly step down after the state of the union to be replaced by jeff zions klain was also asked to wait until after the state of the Union in case Biden accidentally starts to read off any classified documents live on the air. House Republicans are poised to leverage the debt ceiling battle

in their pursuit of federal spending cuts with hardline Republicans looking to slash Social Security, Medicare, and other social welfare programs. Sure, they're holding the economy hostage, but these are the measures you have to take when you're deeply committed to making Americans' lives worse.

The White House maintains it will not negotiate with Republicans on the debt ceiling. For context on how extreme Republicans have become, this is the White House that just negotiated the release of a Russian arms dealer known as the Merchant of Death. And wouldn't you know it, a lawyer for Mike Pence located classified documents in the former vice president's New Indiana residence, which Pence says he has turned over to the FBI.

They say bipartisanship is dead, but it's nice to see Trump, Biden, and Pence all come together with the shared goal of turning Hillary Clinton into the Joker. It may be time for the federal government to rethink some of its security practices, like slathering the outgoing vice president in honey and locking him in a glass booth full of airborne classified documents for 60 seconds. Mike Pence is an innocent man. He never did anything knowingly dishonest in his life. Leave him alone, wrote Donald Trump on Truth Social. Do you know how much harder it will be for us to hang him if he's in prison?

The crew that did Epstein is so expensive. The National Archives has since sent a letter to all living former presidents and vice presidents. This is so funny that it's real. Asking them to look through their cabinets and make sure they aren't full of classified documents. Uh-oh, said George W. Bush, noticing the words top secret

on the back of his latest nude self-portrait. Uh-oh, said Al Gore, staring at yet another nude self-portrait of George Woh, said Al Gore, staring at yet another nude self-portrait of George W. Bush that he received in the mail in a completely unrelated uh-oh. Donald Trump characteristically nailed his eulogy for his late supporter, Diamond,

at her memorial service last weekend, saying this about her sister. I'm serious. I thought I knew them both. I didn't. I knew Diamond, but I didn't know Silk at all. I just learned about Silk. I didn't. I knew Diamond, but I didn't know Silk at all. I just learned about Silk.

You're fantastic. I just learned about Silk. People tell me she's the Eric. Imagine going to a funeral where you know you have to speak and give a eulogy and you just fucking riff. It's amazing. You couldn't do that.

You'd feel so stressed about it. It's a funeral. Think about it. You take't do that. You'd feel so stressed about it. It's a funeral. Think about it, you take it really seriously. Not him. Cool guy. A Senate Judiciary Committee hearing on last fall's Ticketmaster debacle inspired lawmakers to bust out

their best Taylor Swift references. Along with Senator Klobuchar as chair. To be honest, I had hoped as of a few months ago to get the gavel back. But once again, she's chair captain and I'm on the bleachers. To have a strong capitalist system, you have to have competition. You can't have too much consolidation. Something that unfortunately for this country, something that unfortunately for this country, as an ode to Taylor Swift, I will say we know all too well. A purchaser of a ticket, being able to sell it to someone else. A lot of people seem to think that's somehow a solution. I think it's a nightmare dressed like a daydream. I don't think we ought to go there. Karma is a relaxing thought. Aren't you envious that for you it's not?

Finally, Senator Richard Blumenthal of Connecticut said this. Ticketmaster ought to look in the mirror and say, I'm the problem. It's me. Amy Klobuchar,

not to be outdone, laughed and said, oh, you're quoting lyrics. No, no, that's cool. You're such huge fans. Before opening a VIP merch juffle from the Fearless Tour to reveal John Mayer's severed head,

which he tossed into the committee room floor. After Florida blocked schools from teaching a new AP African-American Studies course, Governor Ron DeSantis defended the move as the scholar he is. This course on black history, what's one of the lessons about? Queer theory. course on black history what's one of the lessons about queer theory now who would say that an important part of black history is queer theory who could imagine a situation in which a black person is two things so stupid after his controversial blacklisting two years ago meta announced it will reinstate former president Trump's Facebook page ahead of the 2024 elections.

Trump released a statement saying this move will be helpful in staying connected to his fans and also not having to remember his children's birthdays. Meanwhile, Twitter has reinstated the account of white supremacist Nick Fuentes, who last year dined with Donald Trump

and Kanye West at Mar-a-Lago. This is just another sign that Elon Musk will stop at nothing in his deranged quest for $8. The genius that he is. And then in a plot twist, surprising everyone, the account was re-suspended after less than a day because Fuentes posted what? Antisemitic remarks once again. Two weeks ago, Microsoft announced the most boring of updates.

Two weeks ago, Microsoft announced the most boring of updates. Basically, they were going to time automatic updates to happen at night, and they were going to make sure the default off position for their Xbox consoles is in energy saver mode. This is what they announced. When the console is in sleep mode, it uses more power but starts up faster. When it's in energy saver mode, it uses much less power but takes 15 seconds to boot up. The default for all new consoles has been energy saver mode. They updated the default for older consoles and anyone at any time can change the default to sleep mode instead of energy saver mode. That's it. So what did Fox News say about this change? We understand what this is. It's not that it's actually going to offset emissions.

OK, the level of reduction is infinitesimal, but they're trying to recruit your kids into climate politics at an earlier age. Make them climate conscious now. Yeah, I didn't think of that. You're right. They're going after the children. Of course they are! Haha, we got them, said the anchor. Anyway, I can't fall asleep without a loaded gun in my mouth.

So anyway, for anybody worried at home that their Xbox is too woke, you just switch it back into sleep mode before firing up Grand Theft Auto and running over sex workers with your car. This inspired Senator Ted Cruz to tweet, first gas stoves, then your coffee, now they're gunning for your Xbox.

I was a little bit surprised to see Ted Cruz weigh in here because I didn't even know Xbox had incest porn. We also learned this week that ChatGPT Technology reportedly passed an MBA exam at the Wharton School of Business. When we reached for comment, Wharton alum Donald Trump said, I wonder if the chatbot and I hired the same exam Jew. Different time in my life, I was quite the exam Jew. Different time in my life, I was quite the Exam Jew.

Scientists have invented a Lego man-sized robot made of liquid metal microparticles that allow it to melt, slip through the bars of a tiny prison, then return to

its original state. Yes, just like the T-1000 from Terminator 2 Judgment Day. Don't believe me? Take a look. The robot is moving between the bars. It is now melted on the ground. It is now reforming into a Lego man.

into a Lego man. In the Terminator universe, they didn't have the warning of the Terminator films to let them know not to do this. Did they invent Skynet? Yes. Did they build the Terminator machines? Yes. Did those Terminator machines build even more sophisticated Terminator machines? Absolutely. But none of those people lived in a world

with a Terminator film that told them not to fucking do this. I don't have a joke. I just think we're deserving of everything that's coming to us. We got one group of people working on making the robots smarter than us. We got another group of people giving them thumbs. And then we got another group

of people teaching them how to run real fast. They all meet at conferences. Do you think the ones that can run, the ones with the thumbs and the ones with the brains, aren't going to all become one thing? A study published

in a scientific biology journal found that ants could be trained to detect cancer cells using their sense of smell. I'm so sorry, sir. The ants have weighed in. You're covered in cancer or jam. We'll need to run a few more tests. The teacher who was shot by a six-year-old is suing the school district

after it was revealed that the school had received not one, not two, but several warnings from teachers that the child was armed and they didn't take the gun away. Reports go on to say that the boy even showed the gun to other students while the administration did nothing. If only they told the administration that the kid was packing an illustrated

children's book about a drag queen that meets Harriet Tubman. It's not all bad news. The manifesto against women they found in the Jansport was surprisingly advanced for his age. It was written in cursive and everything. Anyway, not sure why people are upset with the administration of the school.

The only thing that can stop a bad six-year-old with a gun is a good six-year-old with a gun. Chipotle announced its plans to hire 15,000 workers ahead of burrito season, a period that runs between March and May, during which the company says they do the most business. Burrito season also runs down your legs if they don't give you the door code to the bathroom in time. Ew, gross. I'm so sorry. Anyway, enjoy burrito season, everybody.

The thing we all know about, March to May. The time where we eat nothing but burritos from Chipotle. Oscar nominations were announced this week. Women Talking was nominated for Best Picture and Best Adapted Screenplay. Women Directing, not so much. Everything Everywhere All at Once led the fields with 11 nominations, though the googly- eye rocks were snubbed three people were treated on the set of

Squid Game, The Challenge a reality competition show based on the widely successful Korean TV series, but Netflix denied any of them suffered from a serious injury and in other news, Netflix has announced yet another new reality show, so you think you can dispose of a body for us? I can't believe

people were injured on the reality competition version of Squid Game, which exists in a universe in which the people that made it did not understand the message of Squid Game. Disney World's Splash Mountain ride closed for good on Sunday due to its racist associations with the 1946 film Song of the

South. The decision is controversial even within the Walt Disney Company. One anonymous performer even told the press, Gorsh! Gorsh, they're destroying our history. I couldn't do it. Gorsh. I got the gorsh right.

I practiced the gorsh. Gorsh. A lot of people are really struggling with this Splash Mountain news, so be sure to check in on the most off-putting childless couple you know. Tim Allen denied Pam Anderson's allegation that the actor flashed her on the set of his sitcom Home Improvement when the Baywatch actress was 23, despite that being

the most believable sentence on earth. Tim Allen denied the allegation, saying that its tool time was simply a line on the show. A Kansas man was killed when his dog managed to step on the trigger of a rifle and shot him dead. All dogs go to heaven, but some of them have to deal with some pretty strange looks when they get there. The man's last word reportedly, Hey, I ordered a shih tzu, not a shoot you.

And finally, Amtrak decided to join the discourse this week with a new sexy mascot of their own. They debuted this fan art alongside with a new slogan, Amtrak, old like old Joe Biden, sexy like young Joe Biden. Amtrak, get railed. Amtrak, we take our time. Amtrak we take our time and finally

Amtrak let us run a train on you when we come back The Platonic Ideal with Gabe Mollica and we're back please welcome to the stage the wonderful gabe malaga now gabe welcome to the show please join us thank you for being here now you have an incredible one-man show up in york called solo

and it's about how you have no friends it's true it's true it's about male friendship and it's basically inspired by my mom asking me about my best bro and she was like nick's uh sister just had a baby how does nick feel about being an uncle and i was like what you know how does nick feel i don't know how nick feels about anything and then i wrote a show about that ah it's tough now we couldn't find a list of questions to guarantee someone would want to be friends with you. But there was the New York Times list of questions about how to fall in love with somebody. And we decided to modify those. The 36th question that lead to love.

And so has anyone here used those questions to fall in love? Nah, it was a stupid thing. So we're going to use these questions to forge some bonds. So please welcome to the stage Zach Schiffman. Hi, Zach. Come on. This is going to be one of our first three speed dates for friendship. It's called Speed Friendship.

Hi, Zach. Hi. Welcome. Thank you. Do you have a lot of friends? A million. Yeah. I feel like it's...

I'm gay, though. Yeah. That's the thing i i feel bad for you they're already ganging up on me can you feel it the gays are ganging up sorry okay so what is it about being a straight are you straight i am unfortunately that seems clear because i feel like the second i heard that a man was doing a play about not having being able to make friends it's like oh that's because of the way you were trained to be so emotionally unavailable as a person. Yeah, absolutely.

Do you know that? Do you know that you don't express yourself? You can't express yourself at all. No, not at all. Do you feel like you live in a prison with no locks? Do you know that the door's open? Yeah. You literally play video?

You can just walk out anytime you want. I could, and even I wrote a whole show about it, and I get to do it a lot, and I still have no answers. Have you made any friends since the show? People have tried. My DMs are blowing up not with women with people who want to go to the jets game and i don't know why that just makes me feel even more alone i'm like i don't know the jets are they play a sport don't worry about it west side story yeah west side story yeah yeah all right so so let's do

a quick speed friendship date between Zach and Gabe. You're going to use these. Take it away. Okay, so easy. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die? A hunch about how I will die?

Oh, I'm like 100 and I'm eating Taco Bell and I'm like, actually, I deserve this. And then it happens. Nice. Yeah. Zach, if you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?

No pressure. I mean, I think I'm perfect in most ways. I don't know. I think I remember 9-11 better. I don't know. I don't know. Sorry. I was like, the hell is going to die?

And that's what's in my brain. Okay. What do you value most in a friendship? Oh, that's a great question. I like not having to be on. We can just be here and exist and not express a single emotion, but I also don't. It's basically not feeling uncomfortable. The double negative is important, I think, for straight men.

I'm not on at all right now. That's good. Yeah, I feel very calm. This is normal for me. This is my living room. Yeah, I feel incredible. This is incredibly comfortable. Zach, what's your most treasured memory? What if I was like 9-11?

Okay, no. Take it back, take it back, take it back. My most treasured memory, I wish I could say my sister's wedding. That's not true. But I feel like that's the right thing to say. I really loved seeing the Oklahoma revival a few years ago.

Like, why is it wrong with my brain? Oh, we can be friends. I love musicals. This is great. Thank you both. Yeah, there we go. Good job. End wrong with my brain? Oh, we can be friends. I love musicals. This is great. Thank you both. Yeah, there we go. Good job. End of speed date.

Friendship. Get out of here. Zach, oh, Zach, say, Gabe, get out of here. Thank you. We'll see Gabe in a bit. He's very lonely. He'll be backstage.

I have better memories than that. I'm like, no, no, it's okay. Hey, it's not real. Okay, cool. You don't have to be friends with him even, no matter what. Don't think that we're going to make you be friends with him after.

Yeah, I didn't get a good vibe. Sorry. All right, that we're going to make you be friends with him after. Yeah, I didn't get a good vibe. Sorry. Alright, when we come back, everybody's got documents in their house. Hey, don't go anywhere. There's more of Love It or Leave It coming up. And we're back!

On Tuesday, news broke that roughly a dozen classified documents were located at Mike Pence's house, ostensibly brought over in boxes packed up during the panicked flight from, I mean, orderly transition from, the White House in 2021. Of course, Pence is in good company now that between two and three dozen classified documents have been found at Biden's personal garage in Delaware and former office space. And then there's Donald Trump. At this point, we have to ask, why the fuck are they printing all these records out? We're going to fill our highest offices with elderly men in shock when they accidentally wrap their Indianapolis

family reunion 1997 Christmas ornaments in them or sell our nuclear secrets to the Saudis here to unpack what apparently got packed up next to Biden's Corvette. Zach is here. Please welcome Carl Tartt. Hi, Carl. Welcome. Thanks for being here. How you doing?

I'm great. How are you? I'm fine. Do you have any classified documents in your house? I'm still hiding report cards I forged from my mom. She ain't found them yet. When I was in fourth grade, I stopped doing my homework and just stuffed it all into my desk. Yeah?

It was just all in my backpack. Why do you think we didn't do it? Well, some people might say, he wasn't being challenged. But no, I just didn't want to do it. Just didn't want to do it. Yeah. I was in high school.

AIM was all the rage. MySpace. I was doing HTML coding on my MySpace. You were coding? Putting cool T-Pain songs. I didn't have time to be doing homework. We didn't have time to be doing homework back when we were kids.

Did you have time to do homework? I have some to do right now. We didn't have time to be doing homework back when we were kids. Did you have time to do homework? I have some to do right now. I'm 12. No. Yeah, I had time to do homework. Do you have any classified documents in your house? No. I probably have some, like, receipts from past jobs I should have turned in.

And that I didn't. If I told you that right now someone you wanted to date was in your house, what would be the thing you would be afraid they would find out? Oh, oh, oh. I think they would find like a Blackberry that I've like savored. Like, this is such a beautiful piece of technology that I have in a drawer. Okay, I've told everyone on this podcast. Oh, my God. That's it?

No, I don't know. I don't like porn. I don't know. He doesn't like porn. And that's the most important thing. I'm perfect. You know, the Pentagon recently declassified a lot of information about UFOs. And then we all watched the videos of all these planes being like, hey, there's a UFO out there.

And then it seems like we didn't care, you know? It seems like the fact that it was a secret mattered more to us than finding out what the secret is. Don't you think? Damn. You know? That's crazy. It's like how whenever Trump would just say something that he did was illegal, but he'd do it on

Twitter, reporters didn't care because it wasn't a secret they uncovered. It's as if the fact of something being a secret makes it more interesting to us, but once we find out what it is, it doesn't matter anymore. Like, when all of a sudden the bosses at the Don Draper advertising agency find out that he took on a secret

identity they're like we don't care he makes good ads you know db cooper yeah when he finds out and he's like i don't give a fuck get out of here with this nonsense you're like that's cool that's a twist the twist is we don't care it's like when cara delavine was like i hooked up with selena gomez and then selena gomez had to like be like i'm pan so then like no one really cared that selena gomez came out as pan but then all, like, no one will say it about Taylor Swift, so she won't do it. Does that make sense? Yeah. Aliens. It's like aliens. It's a lot like aliens

when you think about it. Of course. This isn't the first time a politician or even a president got caught with his classifieds showing. Gentlemen, I'm going to ask you a few questions in a game we're calling That's Classified. Nice.

Oh, look, you're on the thing. You're on the folder. Wow, my old headshot. Wait, I just, that's from my website and I changed it. I'm not kidding. At the airport. Nice. Is that new? I just changed the picture because someone told me my old picture made me look like a baby. They say that same thing about that picture of me, and it makes me feel terrible.

It's like, damn, what do I look like now? A grandpa? That's interesting. Because it's the official position of Love or Leave It that when you show someone a picture of yourself and you say, don't I look bad in this picture? The correct answer is yes. Because you don't want to hear you look good in a picture if you think you look bad, because that implies that you look as bad as you do in the picture. You want to hear that you look better in as you do in the picture. You want to hear that you look better in real life, that the picture is bad

because it implies you're better looking than the picture. Interesting. When people see this picture, they always question, when was this picture taken? It always makes me feel like shit. I wouldn't have said that. Great. I wouldn't have said a damn thing. I would have said, is that from today?

Alright. Carl, we'll start with you. Okay. What four former presidents rushed to reaffirm to the media that all of their classified documents have been handed over to the National Archive this week? I'm going to go with George W. Bush, Barack Obama, Bill Clinton, and Jimmy Carter.

That's got to be right. It also says the other George Bush, but he's dead. Yeah. It would have taken him a long time. He couldn't have rushed over. So we're giving it to you. Nice. He's in that secure, compartmentalized information facility.

In the sky. Zach, over to you. According to NPR, in 2012, how many millions of times did the government classify a document? 9 million, 23 million, 44 million, or 90 million times? I would have said like 10 total. I'm going to say 23. No, it's 90 million.

They were classifying way too much shit. All right? Doesn't mean they should take it home with them. Carl, true or false? Okay. In 2006, an unpaid intern at the National Archives and Records Administration pleaded guilty to methodically stealing 164 Civil War-era documents by smuggling them out in his backpack.

True. That is true. Bonus question. Why did he take them? If I wanted to take Civil War documents, what would I do with them? What would you do with them? Make a scrapbook. Just a little scrapbook for memories.

Just little memories of someone else from a long time ago. Sold them on eBay. Sold them on eBay, which is so stupid because everybody can see eBay. Yeah. And somebody noticed it and then they called him. And he said, hey, I don't think he's supposed to be selling these. And he wasn't. Zach, over to you.

In 2012, David Petraeus retired from his position as CIA director after admitting that he provided classified documents to Paula Broadwell who was his what? A. Sister-in-law and attorney. B. Girlfriend and business partner. C. Mistress and biographer. D. Dog walker and psychic.

What is the hottest? Mistress and biographer. Mistress and biographer. Yeah, mistress and biographer. And in case you're wondering, the little director of the CIA leaked classified information and as punishment he was fined $100,000 and got two years of probation. Yeah, that sounds good.

Did he get a good biography though? Did he get a good blurb? I don't think they ever could finish the book. It's a tough book to finish once you've been found out you're also the mistress. A term I can't believe we're still using. Next, Carl, over to you. Remember Hillary's emails?

Yeah. None of them were classified when they were sent or received, but the feds did decide one or ten emails should have been classified, and 2,093 should have been confidential in retrospect. However, the funniest of the 7,000 emails released by the State Department, Hillary Clinton sent an email with the subject line, gefilte fish. What was the single line in the body of the email? The line, gefilte fish. What was the single line in the body of the email?

The subject was gefilte fish. What was the sentence in the body of the email? Okay. I think the sentence was a question. Did y'all see Rush Hour? Incorrect, Zach. You can steal it. What was the sentence under the subject line

from Hillary Clinton? It was one sentence? One sentence. The only non-antisemitic option is, mmm, delicious. It was a question, and the question was, where are we on this?

That's not antisemitic. I take it back. I have to say, someone who in another time in their life got emails from Hillary Clinton, that makes me feel very nervous in my, like, 26-year-old, oh, God, I got an email, and it says, where are we on this?

And I didn't know I was supposed to write something about gefilte fish. There was one time that I was working on a speech, and again, I was just drowning. And I wrote the speech, and I gave her the speech, and then she didn't use it, and she kind of just riffed on a different topic. And then when I got back to my desk, I was like, what the fuck just happened?

And then I had missed an email the night before that said she wanted to switch the topic. I just hadn't noticed. And it was just an email from Hillary Clinton that I just fucking ghosted her on. We are very different 26. I am not experiencing that at all in this year. I'm 26. Get the fuck out of here.

That picture was when I was 26. That picture was when I was 26. I shoehorned it in. 26. 26. Must be nice. And you do remember 9-11? Yeah, 100%. Carl, over to you. Speaking of Clintons, former President Bill Clinton's top national security aide, Sandy Berger, pleaded guilty to sneaking classified materials from the national archives by doing what

was it a dropping them from an open window into some bushes b hiding them in a plastic bag and sinking them in a toilet tank to retrieve later c stuffing them into his clothes and then hiding them under a construction trailer d making copies but leaving the copy in the copy machine while swiping the originals and that's it it. Ooh. I'm going toilet. No, he stuffed them into his clothes. I believe his suit jacket and his socks. That's crazy. And then he snuck out of the building

and then hid them in a construction trailer. After initially claiming he took the materials in an honest mistake ahead of his 9-11 commission testimony, Berger eventually pleaded guilty to destroying three copies of the same document detailing terror threats during the 2000 millennial celebration. How did he destroy them?

Zach, this is for you. Did he flush them in the toilet, soak them in water and mix them in concrete, leave them on a bus bound for an Indianapolis, cut them into little pieces with scissors and put them in his office trash can? I will once again go with which is the hottest. And that is the last one, the trash can. Yeah, he cut them up into little, that's correct. We actually, to this

day... So Sandy Berger died. No! It's just really dead. Why didn't nobody tell me? That's what the email was about. I'm so sorry. That's what he could feel to finish. Subject line, Sandy Berger dead. But so, he steals these documents and cuts them up into tiny little pieces. We don't

actually know why, because he died, and nobody never got to the bottom of it. Why did he do that? Why did he steal three documents, apparently copies of something they had, but they had notes on the side, cut them into little pieces and threw them out? Nobody talks about it.

I like to rip up paper sometimes, though. Yeah. Just for fun. Gar, what president signed the Presidential Records Act in 1978, officially making a president's documents not his or her personal property, only to find classified documents at his home and return them after the next president took office.

Jimmy Carter. That's correct. He signs the line. He's like, oh, shit. They all have classified documents in their houses. All right. And Jimmy Carter builds houses. And I hear he puts one in every home.

Yeah. Yes. That's cool. It's his calling card. It's his calling card. Little signature. Oh, it's a Jimmy. I found something card. It's his calling card. Little signature. Ooh, it's a Jimmy. I found something about gas prices in the oil embargo.

Zach, over to you. Last February, a former civilian employee of the Defense Department pleaded guilty to taking classified documents to her personal residence and a hotel room where the materials were uncovered how? A, a housekeeper threw the documents away, forcing the defense employees to report the incident. B, a coworker attending the employee's dinner party saw the documents and, forcing the defense employees to report the incident. B, a co-worker attending the employee's dinner party saw the documents and ratted her out. C, she inadvertently packed them in her luggage

and the TSA reported finding them. Or D, her professor saw the documents which the employee was using to write her thesis and recognized the classified markings.

Well, it's for sure not the TSA. They've not found anything ever. I think there's some strange papers under this gun. Yeah, right.

You're free to go Send it through Oh, look at this jug of water in here Take it through Okay, I'm gonna go with Professor I feel like that is the hottest It was the party Oh, that is

The hottest one was the party Yeah, I'm thinking of like a weird fantasy then She threw a party in her hotel room And then somebody saw the classified documents Damn Damn Carl Yes

When the FBI raided his home in Mar-a-Lago this summer, Donald Trump erroneously claimed both of the documents in his possession were his personal papers and the president's classified documents

just by thinking about them. According to court records, how many classified documents did he have at his residence? Wasn't it like 180,000? It was 280 classified records including materials about Iran and U.S. intelligence

on China. You had 180. You were right. You had the right vibe. I remember hearing 80. You might including materials about Iran and U.S. intelligence on China. You had 180. You were right. You had the right vibe. I remember hearing 80. You want to think about characters. Yeah. Yeah.

He took 13,000 documents with him, and they found 280 so far that are classified. Oh. So it's pretty good. Cool guy. Any final thoughts? I'm still mad at myself for saying 180,000 documents. You want to just edit it? You want to just say it?

No, no, no, no, no, no. We can fix it right now. It doesn't matter. Again, there's so few people here compared to how many people listen at home. It's such a popular show. So we can really edit it. So if you want to just get it right, we can edit it right now. These people won't say anything. I want it to stay wrong

and I want the trolls to come after me. They will. I know they will. Got some real gay jerks that listen to this show. I want to edit the thing I have in my house. My blankie. You still have your blankie to this show. I want to edit the thing I have in my house. My blankie. You still have your blankie? Yeah, I want to... And you want to edit it in?

In case the guy I'm seeing finds it one day. I want to come out ahead of it now. Zach wants it... Okay, you know what? We just did it. Let's leave this in.

And so that's just something we all just found out. That Zach has his blankie. Thank you so much to Zach and Carl. You can see Carl on Grand Cru on NBC. The next season premieres on March 3rd, and Zach will be here at Dynasty Typewriter tomorrow, but if you're listening Saturday, you missed it.

Rats. When we come back, more Speed Friendship. Thank you both. And we're back. Once again, welcome Gabe Molligan to the stage. Are you ready to try to make another friend? I really need it, yeah. God, that's sad.

I know. Come to the show. It'll be less sad if we sell out. So help Playhouse. And at the Yard Theater the day this comes out. Listen, he needs his career to be going well. There's nothing outside of it for him. It's true.

A good career, well, you don't need friends. He's got to stay busy. It's true. John's coming. He's bringing the whole cast of 1600 Pen. All right. Well, why does he find it so hard to make friends? An ongoing mystery.

Please welcome our next contestant to see if they can be friends with Gabe. Alyssa Lynn Paris. Hi, hi. Hello, hello. Thank you for having me on the game show. Hi, it's a pleasure. Hi, Alyssa. I'm hoping this goes well.

Where do I sit? Wherever you want. Wow. Okay. Okay. Okay. All right. Hello.

So now your speed friendship date has begun. Alyssa, you want to kick it off? Okay, yes. Gabe, how close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people's? Like, go. Imagine whipping this out at the bar, like trying to meet someone as a friend

and just be like, hey, how are you? Did your family do things better than mine? Listen, I got a lot of problems. My parents are kind of dope. My mom never made me go camping, and I really appreciate that. She read to me every night. I was never a Boy Scout. It was a pretty good childhood, I'm not going to lie.

Wow. Yeah. Oh, Alyssa, this is important. What does friendship mean to you? Oh, my God. Oh, gosh. Well, I was back there, and I heard that you said this thing where you, like, don't know how your friends feel. Uh-huh.

Which is so crazy, because I do feel every time I hang out with my friends, it's just, like, it could be a bachelorette party. And, like, two minutes, and it's, like, well, what you're experiencing is repressed family trauma. And I have. I have. Yes. So in the show, like, male friendship is shoulder to shoulder. You, like, there's another activity usually fantasy football but for females

in general being gendered we're here yes it's eye to eye for them the activity is each other that's right and for us

it's Adam Sandler movies and that's just kind of the way it is the activity is each other yeah right after my dad died sorry I'm sorry to bring the mood down

and the friendship but you must know it if you want to be my friend my brother was watching and me and like, it had to be like 10 friends were all sitting. They came over to our house afterwards. We were just talking nonstop, and my brother just looked over, and he was like,

I've never seen anything like this. It's true. We've never made friends. Do you have another question for me, Alyssa? I do. Okay. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about? Oh, this is important. John, you're going to appreciate this. My career. There should be no jokes about how my career's

doing. Too sensitive. I get it. It's important. Alyssa, we're at a comedy show. It's midnight. Everyone's hungry. Where are we going to eat and what are you ordering for the table? Oh my god. What a question. I'm going to Swingers. I'm getting fries and ranch. Ooh, fries and ranch. As a New Yorker, can you go to the Swingers? I don't think anyone in the audience, does no one here like Swingers? Yes. No.

That's as sad as you not having any friends. I should be friends with that guy. It's a full crowd and it's one guy just clearly trying to support me going, yeah. No, no. That guy's my friend. Oh, and should be friends with that guy. It's a full crowd and it's one guy just clearly trying to support me going, yeah, yeah. That guy's my friend. Oh, and he says you're one friend.

Yeah, that's someone you know. No, it's not. No, it's not, but I would like to be friends with him. Oh, what's your name? Dave. Dave.

Dave. Dave. Dave. Dave. Dave. Dave. Dave. Dave.

Dave. Dave. Dave. Dave. Dave. Dave. Dave. Dave.

Dave. Dave. Dave. Dave. Dave. Dave. Dave. Dave.

Dave. Dave. Dave. Dave. Dave. Dave. Dave. Dave.

Dave. Dave. Dave. Dave. Dave. Dave. Dave. Dave.

Dave. Dave. Dave. Dave. Dave. Dave. Dave. Dave.

Dave. Dave. Dave. Dave. Dave. Dave. Dave. Dave. Dave. Dave. Dave. Dave. Dave. Dave. Dave. Dave. Hey. The state is over. Get off the stage. Thank you. Bye. Bye.

I think we're over, too. And we're back. This week, the Department of Justice in eight states, including California and New York, sued Google for maintaining a monopoly over the technology that runs advertising, i.e. why Google does not actually work anymore. Seriously, have you Googled anything recently? It's just a bunch of Google results. And you've got to keep going down. So many ads. Very annoying.

Anyway, if you type in the words what is a monopoly into Google and you get a CNET.com essay from 2012 titled, Google's many things but not a monopoly. I think it's cool. I still have plenty of queries left about monopolies and i'm hoping you wonderful people could help me out in answering them in a game we're calling let's play monopoly

hi what's your name rachel rachel the term monopoly first appears in aristotle's poetics to what industry was he referring when he coined it? I get no multiple choice? No. Oh, shit. Okay. Religion? No, that's not. That's not even. Take the mic away from Rachel. How is that not an industry?

It was olive presses. Hi, what's your name? Chewy. Chewy? Yes. Nice. Monopoly refers to when a particular market is dominated by a single seller. What is the parallel term for when a market is dominated by a single buyer?

A monopoly? No, we already got that one. It's the one where we know it's not. I don't know. Anybody know? Monopsony? Yeah, we got a monopsony. Somebody said it.

I remember that word. I learned it in school once. All right, let's go to that person who called it out. Hi, what's your name? I'm Dave. Hi, Dave. I'm his friend. Oh, you're the one that person who called it out. Hi, what's your name? I'm Dave. Hi, Dave. I'm his friend. Oh, you're the one that you know about swingers.

The board game Monopoly was invented by a woman named Lizzie Magie, who received a patent for it in 1904 under the title The Landlord's Game. She repatented it in 1924. It was intended to gamify the teachings of the progressive era economist Henry George. Her game became popular and was eventually stolen by Charles Darrow, who sold his rights to it to Parker Brothers. They also bought out Liza Magie's original patent for The Landlord's Game. Oh, man. They ripped her off because it's about Monopoly.

Yeah. So, 50 bucks. 500. That was right. 500 was right. Whoever said that next to him. All right, next. In what year did Maggie finally receive credit for inventing the game in the official Parker Brothers handbook?

2012. 2007. But that was so close. All right, let's go to somebody else. Yeah, applause. Applause for Dave, who knows about the ranch fries. Who else wants to answer a question? Hi, what's your name?

Jenny. Jenny. Ticketmaster was founded in 1976, but didn't achieve success until it was bought in 1976 by the billionaire uncle of what current billionaire governor? Gavin Newsom. No, it was J.B. Pritzker. Next question for you. Last quarter, Ticketmaster transacted how many dollars in ticket sales? Five billion.

Close. $6.7 billion. And what percentage of large venues in the U.S. have an exclusive deal with Ticketmaster? What percentage? What percentage? 90. It's 70 to 80 percent. It's crazy.

And final question for you. Roughly what percentage of your ticket price can you expect to pay in unspecified fees when purchasing through Ticketmaster? 30. 30%, that's right. Nice, nice. Who's next, who's next?

Hi, what's your name? I'm Nick. Hi, Nick. Ahead of their time in 1994, what band filed a complaint with the U.S. Department of Justice claiming Ticketmaster had cut the group out of venue bookings in a dispute over fees?

Ooh. 94? 94. Who's big in 94? Pearl Jam. There are some Gen Xers screaming the answer. You said it. You said it. Pearl Jam. That's correct. In 2008, Ticketmaster acquired Frontline Management, which repped artists such as Christina Aguilera

and Jimmy Buffett, so it would have more influence over Live Nation, which it frequently worked with as a venue owner and promoter. In 2010, Ticketmaster and Live Nation merged, creating an entity that reps artists, promoted their tours, owned the venues they visited, sold their merch, and managed ticket sales. This kind of integration is called what? Wait, can you say it one more time? No. Jesus Christ. You had this moment of like, I know it.

Get me the mic back. I was really proud that I handed it over. I was like, oh, that was my one question. What are you talking about? Take it away from Nick. Nick's done. Nick's done. He's blown it.

Read it again. That would be vertical integration? Correct. 30 Rock Band. Wait, what's your name? I'm Caleb. Hey, Caleb. In a 2018 billboard investigation,

the Ticketmaster had a secret deal to sell tickets directly to who? Live Nation? No, Scalpers. When was the last time the Justice Department called for the breakup of a major company, and what was that company? Is it AT&T and T-Mobile?

You're very close. It was the Bell Telecom Systems. It was vaguely AT&T related. I'm giving it to him. But it was 1982. Caleb, since 2019, how much did the US government itself spend on Google ads? $2 billion. $100 million.

$100 million. In November, the government blocked the merger of Penguin Random House and rival Simon & Schuster, two of the so-called big five of publishing. Who are the other three? You read a book, Caleb? Sorry, who are the first two you listed? Penguin Random House and Simon & Schuster. Oh, that sounds like three.

Well, it was. Jesus. It was four. It was Random, Penguin House, and Simon & Schuster, but it's HarperCollins, Hachette, and Macmillan. What percentage of the book market does the Big Five control? 95. 80%.

It's 80%. Let's go to somebody else. Caleb, you did great. You did really well. I'm just joking with Caleb. Hi, what's your name? Hi, I'm Sam. Sam, the Justice Department wasn't alleging that the book merger between Simon & Schuster

and Penguin Random House would result in a monopoly since their concern was that the merger would drive down other offers for authors, not drive up prices for consumers because the merger would actually be what? No idea. A monopsony. Jesus Christ. It was the same answer as an earlier question. This is why the book business is in so much trouble.

One more question for you. What author who introduced himself as a freelance writer testified on behalf of the government against Penguin Random House and Simon & Schuster? Stephen King? Yes, that's right. Way to go. You all won the game.

Great job, everybody. When we come back, it's Ab Day because the Earth's core is here. Don't go anywhere. This is Love It or Leave It and there's more on the way. And we're back! A new study suggests that Earth's inner core, a superheated ball of iron the size of

Pluto, seems to have slowed its rotation and is now lagging behind the surface of the planet. Scientists claim this has happened before In Roger Ebert's words, Brutal. We thought about inviting a geophysicist to make sense of all this, but then figured, why not go straight to the source? Please welcome to the stage a very special guest. It's Earth's inner core. Oh, she's spinning.

She's spinning. Earth's inner core is here. Hello, John. Thank you so much. Oh, my God. Can I sit down? I'm a little bit dizzy. Whoa. Okay. How are you? Hi, hi, hi. Have a seat, Earth's core. Thanks so much for being here.

Oh my God. You know what? Can I just say something right to you? You were so goddamn sweet to invite me. No, I'm serious. Do you know what? All week, all these articles coming out about me. You're reading about them, right?

Everywhere. And I'm like, well, I don't recall anybody requesting a comment from me. Right? I mean, I don't remember any journalist in my inbox. I'm innercore at Gmail. John and anyone else listening. I'm only slightly smaller than the moon. I'm not that hard to find.

I can't believe no one actually reached out to you. I know. I mean, I did get a message from someone at Newsmax, but it was for a story about how the Earth's crust has gotten too woke. The crust of all people. Yeah, Earth's core. Let's cut to the chase, all right? Sure.

What's going on? Have you really stopped turning? Okay, John, I'll be honest. Yeah, I'm sitting down right now. You caught me. I'm not turning right now, okay? Guess what? Just like y'all,

it's been a tough few years, hasn't it, huh? We're going through it. Look, don't get me wrong. I've been lucky. I got to keep my job spinning around, right? I got to do that in a core of molten lava iron. But I got to work from home, which is, again, this really nice sea of super hot liquid metal. And I know a lot of folks have had it worse.

John, I just hit a wall. I went out to drinks with my friends. And I was so exhausted, I felt like my eyelids alone weighed 10 septillion pounds. And that's more than they actually weigh? Wow! John, ladies, did you hear that? He asked me how much my eyelids weighed!

John! I'm sorry. You're right. I'm really sorry. I'm really sorry. You're right. I'm sorry. I'm messing with you. Come on. I'm messing with you. I weigh 6 septillion pounds of muscle. Okay? Of muscle.

Jupiter has got me on this whole keto thing. Oh, keto. Yeah. It's not fun, but it works. Anyway, look. If they cast Brendan Fraser to play me in my biopic, I will turn the city of Los Angeles into a sinkhole. Okay.

Okay. Anyway, where were we? Where were we? Okay. So I'm out with my girls, right? You get them out. I'm having fun, right? And all of a sudden, Saturn's rings are like, babe, we love you, but you look like shit.

I look like shit at first. I was like, oh, girl, are you kidding me? Okay, your rings ain't exactly Swarovski. You're one to talk. But then I took a breath, and I realized, oh, my God, they're right. I cannot keep rotating at this pace. I know exactly what you mean. I've really tried.

You know, I kept it up as long as I could. I'm the kind of planetary core who hates to let anyone down. I'm a planet pleaser, John. Earth's core, I feel like I'm looking into a giant iron mirror. My God. Well, soak in the view. I'm honored if this is a mirror. Look, it has just been so hard to let go of this idea

that I need to rotate a certain number of times before I'm 30 billion years old. I'm like, I'm sorry, where did that idea even come from? Yeah, it's like, who gives a shit if you're not on the Forbes 30 planetary cores under 30 billion? What? I'm not on the...

Is Venus on the list? Okay. That son of a... I tell you what, that smug, trust fund bitch, I know she paid for it. She paid for it. What has she done? I was just kidding. I'm just kidding.

I don't know. I don't even think it's a real list. I can't even name 30 planets. I'm just joking. Just joshing around. Oh, where did you... You see, this is the problem. I'm too uptight.

I have become so bitter. And that is honestly what I need to make a change, John. I've been spinning around as hard as I can. But it's time to finally turn towards myself. You should totally do that. And I support you 100%. Thank you. And I just you 100%. Thank you. And I just have one little follow-up question,

which is, will your well-deserved break ultimately destroy all life on the surface of the planet? Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Nonsense. No, no, no. Okay, awesome. That was such a relief. So great to hear.

Definitely not all life. Wait a second. Definitely not the whole thing. Wait, wait, wait. So some life? Oh, my God. Hello. I don't know. I'm not a scientist. Now I've whole thing. Wait, wait, wait. So some life? Oh, my God. Hello. I don't know.

I'm not a scientist. Now I've got to spin and be a scientist? I mean, men. Look, okay, I'm a big iron orb with no work-life balance. That's all I am. Maybe some bird migrations get fucked up or Europe has permanent winter or whatever. Look, it's honestly none of my business. Earth's core, I have to say, it does sound kind of worrying.

Oh, God. You worry too much. It shouldn't be too bad. How long do you humans live? Like what, 1,000, 2,000 years, something like that? Like 100 max. 100 max and y'all are here? Okay.

You're talking to me? What are you doing? Go ahead, go. Where are we going to go? What worries you, Earth's core? Hmm, me? Can I get some female-led ethereal rock going? Something emotional that hints at themes of loss and generational trauma?

Very specific. Malcolm, can we do that for the Earth's core? Ideally something that has no royalties, something free. How good is Malcolm? Malcolm, round of applause for Malcolm on the... Thanks. Malcolm, wow. Here for Malcolm on that. Oh! Thanks. Malcolm! Wow!

Here's what worries me. That I'll go through all of this. That I realize I can't stand turning clockwise anymore. That I can't stop lying to myself about it. And I finally work up the courage and therapy with Dr. Natasha, a very smart rock, to actually change direction. And I don't just slow down, but actually start rotating east to west instead of west to east.

And it causes all this mayhem and confusion and some light tectonic chaos on the surface. I'm sorry, tectonic what? Oh, it's nothing. You're fine. But I do all this. And I'm still sad. I'm still me.

I still have the same problems. It's just me and I'm sad and I'm still me I still have the same problems it's just me and I'm sad and I'm turning the other way you know wherever you go there you are that that's what terrifies me well I mean I guess I just think that there's no way to know until I fucking do it John until I slow down

and stop and heave this magma the other way because as bad and as old and as inert as I feel, I'm never going to be this hot again, baby. 5,200 degrees centigrade! Yeah! And the truth is, can I confess something to you, just you?

Sure, please. I've always wanted to do pottery. Pottery. Pottery, I've always just, the idea of spinning at the wheel and the wheel just has to do the spinning, not me. I just get to stick my hands in some earth.

Sounds like freaking heaven. So you want to sit at some spinning earth. For once in my life. Ironic. Ironic. You're still and the earth is spinning and you touch it. I've been craving that for 20 million years. It's ironic. Oh, so once I'm a little rested, I'll tell you what. I need to get my back blown out.

Gear shift! Mars Intercor and I have had this sort of slow burn flirtation simmering for like 12 million years. It's time to do something about it, Mars. Hell yeah. Well, does that involve Earth and Mars crashing into each other? I bet you'd like to know you little pervert.

No, I just thought, you know what, if two planets want to fuck, who am I to stop them? Yes. Earth's core, everybody. Yes. What's that?

Yes, I hope you all survived the combination lightning storm earthquakes. See you on Etsy. Bye. Thanks so much to Alyssa. Go watch her special No Bad Days on Peacock. Alyssa Limparis, thank you so much. Alyssa Go watch her special No Bad Days on Peacock

Alyssa Limparis, thank you so much When we come back It's Gabe's last chance to find a friend And we're back Let's welcome back Gabe and Carl to the stage Because it's Gabe's last chance to make a friend It's true, thank you

Carl, it's really kind of all up to you now Because, man It's Gabe's last chance to make a friend. It's true. Thank you. Carl, it's really kind of all up to you now because, man. It's tough out here. It's tough out here for Gabe. So, all right. You ready to go on your friend date? Yeah. Let's hit it off. Carl, kick us off here.

Okay. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest? Oh, that's a really great question. John excluded. Yeah. I don't know. probably like Josh Gad. Josh Gad. He's just hitting.

Here's the thing. I don't know if you read The Game or something, but negging me and peacocking on the stage is not a recipe for friendship. It is not 1998 anymore. That's fair. That is not how we're making friends. That's fair. I'm not sorry.

Who do you want to have dinner with, Gabe? That's fair. That is not how we're making friends. That's fair. I'm not sorry. Who do you want to have dinner with, Gabe? That's a really great question. Before he passed away, I would have said Stephen Sondheim. Big Sondheim guy. Oh, that's nice. Yeah, it's a big part of the show, which you'll see. Anybody alive? I don't know, probably Kumail. You could do that. We can get that. We can get that done.

They're laughing in the back. Hey, you don't know how important that is. Carl, who would you have dinner with? Anyone on lebron james yeah maybe he'll give you a blaze pizza i'd take the 500 000 he knows what i'm talking about uh so there's this thing that goes around on like black twitter that's like uh would you rather have dinner with jay-z or five hundred thousand dollars and so many people are like dinner with jay- or $500,000 and so many people are like dinner with Jay-Z

that's crazy oh no and like Jay-Z's a great guy I'm sure like it's just like he would tell you

at dinner you should have done the $500,000 he should definitely I mean there's a famous expression never meet your heroes but it's definitely like

if your choice is meet your hero or get $500,000 take the fucking money it's just dinner it's like you sitting at Wingstop with Jay- hero or get 500 grand, take the fucking money. It's just dinner. It's like you sitting at Wingstop with Jay-Z and he's like, you took this over $500,000? You're an idiot. There's no advice I can give you that won't make you stupid.

You're sitting there with Jay-Z and you're like, so if you could eat dinner with anyone on earth, who would it be? You could change one thing about your childhood, Jay-Z. What would it be? You know? All right, Carl, I got a question for you. Would you like to be famous, and in what way? No. If I was famous for anything, if I have to be famous for something,

I hope it would be, like, Mother Teresa famous. Ooh, that's good. Like, for being, like, a really good person. But Mother Teresa mixed with, like, prime Chris Rock. Just, like, a person that's really, really good to people, but also crazy funny. Mother Teresa walking really fast back and forth on stage, talking about how sad it is when people die in India. Exactly. Repeating the premise.

That's it for me, I would say. That's beautiful. Before you've been making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say and why? Oh, my God, constantly. Even before I got out here, I'm thinking about what I'm going to say to John. You practice this? Yeah.

My dad calls it practicing your ad libs, and I think that's a good life skill. I'm usually in the shower. Did you guys know some people don't have internal monologues? I just learned that, and it freaked me out because I'm always preparing what I'm going to say, and I have a buddy who's just like, yeah, I don't have thoughts.

I was like, what? He's like, it's all feelings and colors and shit. Did you meet him in a setting like this? Is this how you're

meeting your friends? Well, I really don't know anything about him because he's got no thoughts. He has no thoughts. I mean, there are some people

that can't have, that don't picture things. I knew about that. I didn't realize that people that don't have internal monologues have the opposite. So the bros,

when we get together, one time we had a real conversation. One buddy was like, oh, I can't imagine anything and one was like i have no thoughts and it like it almost broke everyone we like couldn't handle the emotional conversation what is this just talk about straight dudes not having emotional connections me and my boys get it in with the emotional connection that's good oh that's good you're raw dogging emotional there's vulnerability in your friend absolutely i mean you got different dudes that fit different roles

and there's a team. You got some shooters and you got some defenders. Who are you? Who's your NBA friendship comp? Paul George. Me and my... We always are having... I was just having a conversation earlier today that was very vulnerable

that I bother my friends with. We have to apologize to each other when we bother each other with our insecurities and stuff like that are you a phone person or a text person uh text I call I call all my friends I only call one of my friends I don't like it you don't like the phone no you like texting I like texting better and also the question that just came up that we I asked you I practice making sure my voice is deep enough. Really? Because I have trauma from when I was a kid,

and I would answer the phone, and one of my mom's friends would be like, girl, you ain't going to believe what happened today. And I'm like, this is calm. Oh, boy, you sound just like your mama. Put your mama on the phone. And I always feel like my voice is too high pitched for my size. I'm a very tall and large person.

And I feel like I should be like, so this is, would your voice be higher if you just were left-hand devices? Is this a little performance? Do you have a much softer, higher voice normally? No, this is it.

Okay. But it sounds deep to you. It sounds, that's one of the insecurities that I'm going to discuss with my straight male friends. It's true. You, me and that guy are going to go to Shakey's or whatever the place is called. And we're going to get some ranch.

Yeah, that place. Shakey's. You can tell this guy has been in L.A. very long. He wants to go to Shakey's. I'm trying to drive the show off a cliff. I just think it's very sweet that Gabe's like, and then we're all going out out there, right? To my show. But Soho Playhouse. What would be so bad if your voice was a little bit higher?

Yeah, that's okay. I don't think it would be bad. Like, shout out to the fellas with high-pitched voices. But I just feel like as a person who is 6'3", 270 pounds, that my voice should be real deep. Interesting. Like, I was a bouncer for a very long time at bars and stuff like that. And when I would card people, and this could be total projection. I'll talk

about this with my straight friends tonight. It could be total projection, but I would feel like when I would be like, IDs. Like the dude who was like, I wasn't going to start no trouble tonight, but after hearing you talk, now I am. Wow. It's interesting, right? Because the idea that your voice was a little higher than you think it should be,

it's not conveying authority. Because the authority comes from the deepness because people have internalized the idea that a deeper voice is a masculine voice and a masculine voice has authority to it. Absolutely. Sort of a vicious circle in a way. You know what I mean? Tell me about it. Masculinity, man. What do you think about it? You seem obsessed with it. Just kidding.

No, John, I'm trying to profit off of it. Yeah, okay. Truly, I think if I've learned anything from doing the show a bunch, it's just like, call your friends more and accidentally talk about

something serious. Yeah, you have to accidentally talk about something serious. Well, everybody can check out Gabe's solo show at The Yard tomorrow, Saturday, and

your New York run has been extended, so everybody check out solo with Gabe Malika. It's great. He's great. Thanks, John. Even though he's, you

know, tried to get me to be friends with him by negging me on stage, which won't work. It would have worked when I was in my 30s, but's great. He's great. Thanks, John. Even though he's, you know, tried to get me to be friends with him by negging me on stage, which won't work. It would have worked when I was in my 30s, but I'm 4-0 now. You're fucked. He's not responding to my texts.

This is terrible. I don't respond to anybody's texts. I don't have his number. Carl, you think you're going to be friends with Gabe after this, honestly? Gabe, you can kick it anytime you want to. Wow. I get that feeling.

He's an improviser. One for three. One for three. That's pretty good. I'm not saying... We'll see. When we come back, it's time for Hot Takes. Before we get to Hot Takes, Crooked Coffee is here to help you tackle those

2023 goals. One cup at a time. I can't... How many fucking times are we getting coffee promo on this goddamn show? It's like we're a coffee company with a couple podcasts. The point is, doesn't it feel like it's like half

coffee promo, half pod promo? The ratio feels fucking off. Anyway, make this the year of good coffee with our medium and dark gross blends. Better specialty grade, delicious, ethically sour. So as always, every order from Crooked Coffee supports Vote Save America's Every Last Vote Fund to make sure every voice can be heard in the face of voter suppression.

If you haven't tried Crooked Coffee yet, 2023 is the year to do it. Crooked.com slash coffee to give it a try. I say leave that whole promo in. I'm sending a message. Oh, wait, before we get to the segment, it's a reckoning for Gabe. Would you be friends with Gabe? Yes. Without a doubt. Oh, wait. Before we get to the segment, it's a reckoning for Gabe. Would you be friends with Gabe? Yes. Without a doubt.

Oh. Absolutely. This is great. Wow. That's so warm. Great. Yeah. And I'd be friends with you.

And honestly, that's so important. I'd be friends with you, Gabe. That's great. I'll take some free coffee. I mean, I have to say it now it now even if i mean it i'd have to say it at this point you can't know now i've cornered you right carl i mean what am i supposed to do always be honest and now for a second we call hot takes here's how it works we'll each have 30 seconds to defend a position no decent person would ever believe we each get one skip whatever we skip may lead to something worse. I've not seen these. I've truly not seen any of them.

That's real. Let's see what's up first. Sugar and Spice's lip sync was an all-timer. They both should have gotten immunity. I'm one episode back. Is this from Drag Race? I'll say that, yes. I'll take it.

So I've obviously, you're live watching me having been spoiled for Drag Race. I'm very excited to see what happened in Snatch Game. It does not surprise me that Sugar and Spice ended up in the bottom together. And there was nothing more predictable to me in my life than we were headed towards a Sugar versus Spice all-time lip sync.

That was the whole purpose of having them both on. Can't wait to find out who made it. That's all I want to say about that. Let's do the next one just in case. Sometimes I use this show as an opportunity to perform a certain level of distress or melancholy that I actually do sincerely feel as both a way to keep those negative feelings at arm's length while still

getting sympathetic feedback from listeners showing that I am in fact cared for. Wow. So I just want to say that sometimes I use this show as an opportunity to performatively express certain kinds of melancholy or distress as a way to kind of keep arm lengths from those feelings, but getting the feedback I need for having had those feelings. And the one thing I would say is find me a fucking performer who doesn't do that every goddamn night. That's what we do.

We express things in a performative way to get the feedback for having those feelings. And then I work through them on stage and I don't bring them home to my dog. Next. Thank you. Unbelievable. Oatmeal is peasant food. Gruel for Victorian orphans.

No respectable adult person would eat it. I'm going to say pass. I could never besmirch oatmeal. It's very important to me. Oh, great. You passed on oatmeal! I passed on oatmeal. You passed on oatmeal!

All right, well, here's your point. After having spent time with Carl, Zach, and Alyssa, I'm actually really grateful I don't have any friends. You know what? You guys pushed me out of my comfort zone and having to express myself to strangers in front of an auditorium full of people in a city I've never been to.

And I think I'm just going to have to go back to the bros and play some Fortnite. And I don't believe this. Remember the conceit of the game? That one lady gets it. And so I don't believe this. Remember the conceit of the game? That one lady gets it and so I don't want to see you guys ever again and if we get a selfie

I'll be really pissed. That was so sad. The introducing the idea of a selfie we didn't know he wanted but now know he wants. Isn't that funny? He introduced that.

It was like earlier when he was like and then probably we're not going to get swingers after this and talk about movies and stuff. Probably not. Let's see what's next the ellen selfie yeah

eight likes on twitter well i mean i could defend this to the end of the earth like i believe this wholeheartedly so let's pass oh it was that college theater is better than broadway yeah college theater is better than broadway 1000 i could defend this any day. Let's pass. Go harder. If Connie would just go see The Fablement, I think he'd change his tune. Yeah, because there's not a single Jew in the cast. Of course he changes tunes. Steven Spielberg hates Jews, obviously.

Refuses to cast that Michelle Williams is the most Gentile woman I've ever seen in my entire adult-ass life. And Paul Dano, the most Gentile man I've ever seen in my adult-ass life. Turn those side profiles. Those noses are a water slide. That is the most simple. Okay.

It is insane to try and pass them off as Jews. Everyone's like, Michelle Williams, an amazing neurotic performance. No, an amazing caricature asshole. Enough. Kanye would love that movie. Wow. Thank you, Zach. Their noses are like water slides

Not a bump inside Not a bump inside You want a convex noses These are concave noses You want a mountain A Jewish nose has a positive second derivative And not enough people talk about it You can't have a

Negative second derivative On the nose of a Jewish That's why Mrs. Maisel never feels right. The fucking curve. The second derivative is fucking negative. It's bullshit. That's not a Jewish nose. I have to defend her.

She went to my high school, though. And I went to over 100 bar mitzvahs, and I know that she did, too. So she gets the culture. She did the research. She gets it. She did the research. She did the work. She did the work.

I grew up in like a shtetl. She gets it. She did the work. That's funny. She did the research. She did the work. She did the work. I grew up in like a shtetl. She gets it. She did the work. That's funny. All right, let's see what's next. Okay. I'm more attracted to the Patriots who stormed the Capitol than the Patriots that throw the football. You think I'm going to besmirch the Patriot football team?

Get out of your goddamn mind. Next. I want to see the yellow and red M&M Eiffel Tower, the green one. Oh, my God. Who the hell does it? I mean, come on. I think this is a unanimous opinion of all of us. The Republicans are mad they're too sexual?

I say make them more sexual. I want to see horniness. I want to see M&Ms with boners. The peanuts should kind of come at a right angle. Yeah. Be brave. Make them sexual.

I want to see the Eiffel Tower and not the least. All right, let's see what's next. For Carl, we have I'm glad Gossip Girl was canceled. I personally am glad Gossip Girl was canceled because I do a Gossip Girl podcast weekly. And I'm on season three, episode 20. It's me and my good friend Lamar, both straight fellas, talking about Gossip Girl and our emotions. And I'm sick of this shit. Have you guys watched this show?

Oh, my gosh. It drags on. And Serena is such a stupid bitch. Is anybody in here team Serena? Good. Who said yeah? Marin? Marin?

I see you in the crowd, Marin. It's bad and it's great. I watch every episode and I have a great time talking to her with my friend Lamar. But I'm glad it's canceled so I don't have to do this podcast for the rest of my life because it is slowly killing me. Let's see what's next. In my book,

the paper of note is the New York Post. The paper of note. Yeah, I eat my toast and I read the Post. I like puns. I like stupid people doing stuff and I read the post. I like puns. I like stupid people doing stuff and I like learning about it. And that combination

is usually on the front and the back page of the post. And my parents are like old school centrist. So like they buy the Daily News and the post for years in paper form. And I'm going to be honest, post is much more salacious. And when Anthony Weiner's thing happened,

they were cooking. They were cooking. They were cooking. I like that there's still this sort of, it's this old-fashioned thing that only exists in so few places where it's like, there really is this competition to do the most fun cover. You know, every day. What's it going to be? What's be what's the little joke gonna be i like it we should have that here

i was thinking about this which is it rained in la for three weeks without stopping every roof in this city fucking said no thank you let him have it if that happened in new york it would have been wall-to-wall coverage new york times the cut every York, it would have been wall-to-wall coverage. New York Times, The Cut, every fucking website. It would have been rain coverage, coverage about the people covering the rain, cultural stories about people dating in the rain, stories about what to eat in the rain, stories about people moving from the rain, stories about how it's going to change the city

and how it's not going to change the city. Why I left New York,ork colon because of the rain and for whatever reason why is it that everything that's national comes out of new york but we don't have like la was on fire for like six months during the pandemic and it was like a little fucking sentence at the bottom of cnn.com like we have enough people in this city that we can have something that covers things in a way that makes everyone else pay attention to us. More puns. More newspaper puns for L.A. You sound like you need to have a good trip to New York.

I don't. Like, I know good restaurants. Like, you have to have a good time. Shut up, Zach. Let's see what's next. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Circumcision is a crime.

I didn't agree to this covenant. Okay. A hundred percent yes. I wish my dick were grosser. I honestly think sex is exhausting and I wish that it were something that would make my dick less elusive. And less...

I don't know. I wish that I were a form that no one... I wish I was dead. I don't know I wish that I were a form that no one I wish I was dead I don't know I wish I was in a coffin there we go money shena

that's such a funny to go from I wish I wasn't circumcised to I wish I was dead 15 seconds also to be like John John, you need a trip to New York. New York's great.

And then one thing, I want to die! I want to die! And it comes to LA for 15 minutes. Pull me in a coffin! I'm in a box! Alright, let's see what's next. Women should under no circumstances have any body hair.

Yep. Women should under no circumstances have any body hair. If that were the case, that would save me a lot of time. I think women should have no body hair, um, because then I would be, uh, uh, people would come to, to see me from afar. They'd go, oh my God, she grows hair so fast. We can't believe it. We've never seen anything like it. This kind of feels like they came for me with the Patriots one. That was personalized.

And so the fact that they did the hairy one means they kind of looked at a picture of me and were like, let's personalize this. What is this woman? Very hairy. Let's go the opposite. Anyway, I waxed my lip this morning and I have hair on it now. Thank you.

Thank you. Do we have one more? Do we have one more for Carl? Yeah. I take dinner with Jay-Z. Hell yeah, I take dinner with Jay-Z. Hell yeah, I take dinner with Jay-Z. First of all, we're going to Olive Garden. We're doing a tour of Italy.

So it's a dinner with Jay-Z and a tour of Italy. And I'm going to sit there, and he's going to be smacking with those big-ass lips. And I'm going to be like, oh, my God, can you just chew with your mouth closed? I'm a billionaire. I'm a billionaire. I don't need to chew. I chew how I want to chew. I'm a billionaire.

I'm going to be like, yes, this is exactly what I want to be doing right now. Eating dinner with Jay-Z. Sean Carter. This man is older than my father. He's great. And he's from New York.

And I could tell by being on this stage with the New Yorkers that they're all great. And I love being a part of that. Did I miss the clock? Oh, there was no clock for me. All right. And that's Hot Takes. We come back. We'll end on a high note.

And we're back. Here it is. Because we all need it. This week's high note. Hi, Leviton crew. This is Tori. I'm an epidemiologist in Dayton, Ohio. And my high note for the week is that I started therapy.

Being an epidemiologist during a global pandemic was rough. Of course, it was rough on everyone, but especially when I was doing infectious disease surveillance at the time, it was a lot. And I don't think I paid enough attention to myself for the last two years because it was traumatic. But I started therapy this week and got a lot of validation, and I'm really proud of myself for taking care of myself.

Thanks for all you guys, too. Bye. Hello, this is Andrew from LA my high note is about two of my closest friends Luke and Phillip they've been together since they were in high school in Bulgaria and they both came to the U.S. to become scientists and then got married but they've been living on opposite coasts for the past few years because of work and now that's all changed they both just started new positions as professors at the University of Indiana. They're living together and have their dream jobs. So even though I'll miss them, I'm so happy for them. And it's a good reminder that sometimes things work out for people who deserve it. Thank you. Hi, I love it. My name is Kelsey and I'm calling from Portland, Oregon.

And my high note of the week is that I just passed the point in pregnancy about 22 weeks from where I was last time. And I'm not in quarantine. So last time I was pregnant, I was about this far along when the world shut down in March 2020. And it was just, you know, very isolating and full of quite a bit of fear and unknown. And we didn't get to share our newborn daughter with loved ones for a really long time. And so my high note is that some of the best parts of pregnancy now I'll get to share with my friends and my family and my mom will get to feel baby kick. We'll get to celebrate with others in person in the flesh. And then of course, we'll get to share our beautiful new baby with our loved ones so much sooner than last time.

So thank goodness for vaccines and all of that. And I know that maybe this is so little and minor, but it's those little things that also make life so wonderful. So that's my high note of the week. Thank you for all that you do. Thank you for inspiring me to log so many volunteer hours during this last election season. Thank you for sharing important information with the world. And most importantly, thank you for making me laugh week after week after week. Take care. Thanks to everybody who sent in a high note tonight. If you want to leave us a message about something that gave you hope, call us at 323-538-2377.

That is our show. Thank you so much to Alyssa Lamparis, Carl Tard, Zach Shipman, and Gabe Malika. There are 647 days until the 2024 elections. Have a great night. Thanks for coming out, and have a great weekend. Love It or Leave It is a Crooked Media production. It is written and produced by me, John Lovett, and Lee Eisenberg. Kendra James is our executive producer.

Brian Semel is our producer. And Malcolm Whitfield is our associate producer. Hallie Kiefer is our head writer. Sarah Lazarus, Jocelyn Kaufman, Poli V. Gunalan, Peter Miller, Rebecca Kaplan, Elaine Pierre, Chandler Dean are our writers. Bill Lance is our editor. And Kyle Seglin and Stephen Colon are our audio engineers. Our theme song is written and performed by Sure Sure.

Thanks to our designers, Jesse McClain and Caroline Haywood for creating and running all of our visuals, which you can't see because this is a podcast. And to our digital producers, Nar Melkonian, Zuri Ervin and Milo Kim, Mia Kelman and Matt DeGroote for filming and editing video each week so you can. You can find those glorious videos at youtube.com slash see slash Crooked Media.