Lovett or Leave It - Beetlejuice Cleanse

Episode Date: September 16, 2023

Lovett Or Leave It asks “why so Sirius?” as we welcome a whole new cast of jokers to our stage. GOP candidate Tim Scott’s very real girlfriend (Lisa Gilroy) stops by to discuss their wonderful, extremely plausible relationship. Sam Sanders and Danielle Schneider discuss the most important news of the week, both Real Housewife and original flavor. Morgan Jay finally answers the question that has plagued philosophers for centuries: would you have sex with this alien? And we end the show with a rare Rave Wheel, because sometimes,  very rarely, we actually do enjoy things. Shana Tova, sluts! For a closed-captioned version of this episode, click here. For a transcript of this episode, please email [e-mail] and include the name of the podcast.

Hello, Los Angeles. Welcome to Love It or Leave It and Shanan Tova to all my globalists and ADL heads out there. As much as I've been enjoying the old world order, I think we can all agree, the new one will be better. Much better. We have a great show for you tonight.

Tim Scott's girlfriend is here. Ooh, all the way from Canada. Sam Sanders and Danielle Schneider break down the wall between reality and reality TV. And Morgan Jay is here to tap some unidentified flying ass. And because Ro Khanna scolded us, introducing the rave wheel. But first, let's get into it. What a week. Utah Senator Mitt Romney announced he will be retiring in order to make way for a

new generation of leaders for the Republican Party. Romney added, with any luck, this generation will be even older than the last one. The announcement coincides with the publication of an excerpt from Romney, A Reckoning, a new biography about the Utah senator by McKay Coppins. In the book, Mitt Romney reveals that he texted Mitch McConnell a warning on January 6th about online chatter from Trump supporters specifically targeting, specifically targeting Romney and McConnell for violence. McConnell never texted him back. But in McConnell's defense, he had a bad case of premature rigor mortis that day. Romney also told Coppins that behind closed doors, Mitch McConnell acknowledged to Romney

that the impeachment case over Ukraine was persuasive, or as the senator said at the time, they nailed him. Just like I nailed my girlfriend, said Tim Scott, trying to do the sex finger gesture, but doing the violin gesture by mistake. Wait, I can, I'm going to do that. It's this. So stupid. Fucking virgin. Sex is cool. Romney also revealed that Senator Lisa Murkowski gave him a freezer full of Alaskan salmon. How did he eat it, you ask? Why, he put it on a hamburger bun and smothered it in ketchup. Mitt Romney has a wife,

and he is also at the same time America's most divorced dad. We can hold two ideas in our minds at once. Also, in fairness to Romney, in certain congressional districts, salmon with ketchup on a hamburger bun is considered sushi. When considering the gerontocracy,

Romney observed that a senator's elected position becomes central to their personality. Said Romney, most of us have gone out and tried playing golf for a week and it was like, okay, I'm gonna kill myself. And that's why we're raising money

to send Ted Cruz on an all-expense-paid eight-day golf excursion. Because he'd kill himself. Romney saved particular vitriol for Ted Cruz and Josh Hawley for their attempts to bolster Trump's election lie. Josh Hawley is one of the smartest people in the Senate, if not the smartest, and Ted Cruz could give him a run for his money. Here we have security footage of Josh Hawley on a run for his money. And then in another passage, Romney said, I don't know that I can disrespect someone more than J.D. Vance.

On the Ohio senator's rush to abandon his ideals on the campaign trail, he said, it's not like you're going to be famous and powerful because you became a United States senator. It's like, really? You sell yourself so cheap? And Matt Gates, I wouldn't fuck him with Marjorie Taylor Greene's dick. Who else? Who else? All right. Feels like a roast. Speaking of people who believe men have one fewer rib, while campaigning in Iowa, Mike Pence tossed off this upsettingly good joke. Get the fuck out of our country. Get the f*** out of Iowa.

I'm going to put him down as a maybe. You know, great job, Mike Pence. Been waiting for that for so long. He's been getting f***ing, he's been eating s*** all across Iowa. He finally came up with a f***ing joke. Good for him. Good for him. I don't need to pile on. That was cool. Good for him. I don't need to pile on.

That was cool. Good for you. Put him down as a maybe. Loved it. Meanwhile, on Tuesday, after months of pressure from the far-right Freedom Caucus, Kevin McCarthy opened an impeachment inquiry into the president without a formal House vote. Mitch McConnell, of course, wants nothing to do with this whole impeachment mess. When reached for comment, he said, and I quote,

This is a huge waste of... impeachment mess. When reached for comment, he said, and I quote, this is a huge waste of... Even after McCarthy capitulated to the far-right's impeachment demands, Florida's second worst horny swamp goblin, Matt Gaetz, called McCarthy a sad, pathetic man who lies to hold onto power. And we're going to say this once and hopefully never again. Matt Gaetz makes a good point. When asked about the impeachment inquiry, Pennsylvania Senator John Fetterman had this incredible reaction. Ask me about this news that Speaker McCarthy has formally launched an impeachment inquiry. He said he's going to. Oh, my God. Really? Oh, my gosh. You know. Oh, it's devastating. Don't do it. Please don't do it.

Come on. John Fetterman, everybody. Fetterman, of course, famously had the rare stroke that makes you even cooler. I like the rest of these geezers. Their strokes just make them worse. Also this week, GOP presidential candidate Vivek Ramaswamy said he was surprised by the intelligence and engagement of voters he's met on the campaign trail, which he told reporters over a lunch of spaghetti and deviled eggs. Cool dinner. In other news, Senator John Kennedy, speaking in defense of book bans, read a passage from Genderqueer by author Maya Kobe.

I got a new strap-on harness today. I can't wait to put it on you. It will fit my favorite dildo perfectly. You're going to look so hot. I can't wait to have your cock in my mouth. to have your cock in my mouth. I'm going to give you the blowjob of your life. Then I want you inside of me. End quote. Sir, this is a hearing about highway appropriations.

Now bring out the prop, said Senator Kennedy to a horrified page this is so inappropriate i don't care to hear this come on guys oh i'm sorry that emphasis was weird i meant to say i don't care to hear about lesbian sex i come on guys former Thank you. Yeah. Yeah. Great. Yeah. Waiting when there's no laughter for applause is called a Bill Maher. Former House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, age 83, announced that she will run for another term in 2024. It's the right choice. She's sharp as a tack. Best math teacher I've ever had, said Dianne Feinstein. Federal prosecutors on Thursday indicted Hunter Biden

on three counts tied to his possession of a gun while using narcotics. Wow, the DOJ finally indicted a Biden. I can't wait to tell my girlfriend, but it's already so late in Canada, said Tim Scott. Colorado.

Colorado Congressman Lauren Boebert was escorted out of a Denver production of the musical Beetlejuice after allegedly vaping, singing, and causing a disturbance. The theater also ejected the person who started the whole mess by saying Lauren Boebert three times. According to an incident report, according to an incident report by local officials, Boebert resisted Usher's attempts to escort her out of the theater saying, do you know who I am? To which the usher responded, yes, that's exactly why this is happening. When you began acting like an asshole,

we all recognized you as that famous asshole. There's nothing to me like better captures like the essence like of Trumpism than being in a fucking musical and being annoyed that people don't want you to vape and sing along and be like, oh, I guess I'm having too much fun. Bye snowflakes. Fuck you. You don't sing in a musical. It's not a concert.

And apparently the person she was vaping in front of was pregnant. A pregnant woman said, would you mind not vaping in a musical? And she's like, no, I suck. She does suck. But the worst fucking, these are the worst people. They're just bad people.

They came out of the mold bad, you know? Convicted murderer Danilo Cavalcante, who escaped from a Pennsylvania prison earlier this month, was captured on Wednesday after a two-week manhunt. Cavalcante actually surrendered to authorities, saying that two weeks in the Philadelphia suburbs was enough. Take me back. A few hours after the arrest, a reporter asked this question at a press conference. Are you concerned that he would team up with another small man to step inside the trench coat, Little Rascal style? No. Another small man.

Actors, writers, and directors are auctioning off their time and services to raise funds for industry workers hurt by the shutdown. Some examples are Natasha Lyonne helping you solve the New York Times crossword, Adam Scott walking your dog for an hour, or an autographed apron from the bear. Bidding is currently at $5,000 for Lena Dunham to paint a mural on your wall. And for $10,000, she'll leave your house alone. Personally, I don't understand why nobody's bidding on love it, we'll do an edible with you and then repeatedly ask if you're mad at him while you grocery shop,

which to him means buying one rotisserie chicken and nothing. Wait, are you guys mad at me? In a report in Rolling Stone, Jimmy Fallon is accused of being drunk on the job and fostering a toxic work environment at the Tonight Show. And I just want to assure this audience that no such article will ever come out about me. I was dead sober when I created this toxic environment. Isn't that right, Brian, you ugly idiot? All right. All right.

In a truly berserk interview with Variety, Sean Penn said he would have responded to 9-11 a little differently if he had been president. I'd have let White House counsel know that they are on vacation. I'm not consulting with them. If I have to go to prison, I'll go, but I'm going to kill them. I'm going to kill everyone that did this,

but only them, and we know where the fuck they are. Like in a movie, said Sean Penn. The most actor shit I've ever seen in my life. Just, there's music in the background, like, and then when I do it, there's an orchestra. Actually, I think John Williams, if we can get him, will probably be back there. Penn also had some thoughts about the Oscars refusal to let Ukraine's president speak at the 2022 awards, and about his own Oscars. He said, I thought, well, fuck it, you know, I'll give them to Ukraine. They can be melted down to bullets and they can shoot at the Russians. And the Oscar goes to the chest and the abdomen. Ian Wilmot, the British scientist who led the team that cloned

Dolly the sheep died on Sunday at 79. Ian Wilmot is survived by his husband, Ian Wilmot. And a newly, and a new purely, that was my favorite one this week. That was my favorite one. In a new paper, a team of scientists announced they have succeeded in recreating the smell of an ancient Egyptian mummy.

Back to work, you fucking dipshits, said a visibly upset Anthony Fauci. They're calling it mummy huffing, and it has area parents running scarab. And local law enforcement sarcophagizing. Teachers are worried that their teen students are succumbing to pyramid pressure. Sorry, I took a hit of pure mummy ass before I came out here. All right, coming up next, Tim Scott's actual girlfriend is here. We'll be right back.

Hey, don't go anywhere. There's more of Love It or Leave It coming up. And we're back. This week, Republican hopeful Tim Scott announced that he now has a wonderful girlfriend with whom he has a wonderful life. While for some candidates that would just be a bit of awkward android-like bragging, the senator's perpetual bachelor status has become a bit of a sticking point as he runs for the presidency, at least according to a new Washington Post article exploring whether or not this so-called girlfriend could be fictional. Well, we here at Love It or Leave It have a very exciting development for all of you.

We have with us tonight Tim Scott's actual girlfriend. She just flew in from Canada, where she went to a school you've probably never heard of. Please put your hands together for the very real, the very in love with Senator Tim Scott, Pilla Kashan. Hi, Pilla. Thank you so much for being here. That's pundit.

Hello. Wow. And thank you. So, well, let's just, you know, let's just get into it. How did you two lovebirds meet? Myself and Tim Scott?

Yes. My boyfriend. Your boyfriend, Tim Scott. My boyfriend, Tim Scott, is my world. My boyfriend, Tim Scott, and I met at a spaghetti restaurant. What did you like best about Tim Scott? Thank you for asking. There's so many things I'm loving

about my partner and boyfriend Tim Scott. He does his birthday on September 19th 1965 making him happy almost birthday, my baby. I like to slurp spaghetti noodle with my boyfriend. And sometimes when we're slurping from different sides, myself and my partner, Tim Scott, will meet in the middle with a kiss.

Wow, that's so romantic. Thank you for asking. Some people think Tim Scott is pretending you're his girlfriend because being a 57-year-old man in politics who has never publicly had any kind of relationship seems to invite unwanted questions. As the woman very much dating Tim Scott, what do you say to that claim? Tim Scott has a romantic and heterosexual penis for me. Being far away from a country such as Canada, which is a northern pole, it's hard to communicate my presence

in my boyfriend Tim Scott's life at all times. Some news outlets are saying we can't hear her, she's too far away. So I've come here on a plane to say hello well hello the spaghetti in the united states is fantastic for me and my boyfriend tim scott we've been slurping it in a man and woman mouth-on-mouth way right yeah what was your question do you guys have any pet names for each other? yes thank you for asking

my boyfriend Tim Scott is a real masculine dog he likes to be called the big dog so you call him the big dog and he must have some sort of pet name for you I am the little bitch

life is kinky and fun with Tim Scott And he must have some sort of pet name for you. I am the little bitch. Life is kinky and fun with Tim Scott. What would you say is Senator Scott's love language? First Corinthians 13 says that love is patient and love is kind. My boyfriend and dear baby Tim Scott is the most patient and kindest man you'll ever meet. Hey, is there a chance that your name, Pilla Kachan, is your name because someone asked him what his girlfriend's name was and he saw a throw pillow on his office couch and panicked?

French is a big part of Canadian culture. Names such as Pilla Kachan are extremely bonjour in a merci way. Right. Again, Canada is a country farther away than you could ever ask or imagine. I'm so happy to be close and on land with my Tim Scott. And I'm so happy for you that you can be on land with him.

I hope and I pray and I dream that you will find a love and a romance such as for me and Tim Scott. No, we all want what you have. And I think we can all, hey, don't we all want what she has with Tim Scott? Thank you for asking. Any big plans for when you become

first lady? Is Tim Scott running? Oh my God, yes. Yes. To be the first lady means to be the best and number one woman. And for me, I'll happily stand by Tim Scott's side as Christ has died for us. Cool. Don't you think it's kind of weird that the Republican frontrunner is a serial cheater and abuser who's been married three times,

but your boyfriend has to announce that you exist so people don't think he's gay or asexual? The claim that my boyfriend and hunky chunk of loving meat, Tim Scott, could ever be gay is a blasphemy against the Bible and a declaration against the independents. Wow, that's powerful. He is the most penis and vagina man you will ever meet. He, and

not to be crass or against the word of my God, can play the pussy like a violin. Which I would like to address rumors that he thinks that violin is not a sexual thing for a vagina

because it is and let's just say he has an extremely long bow. Hey, well, oh, great.

Amen. And amen to that. If Tim had to face off against Joe Biden, would he win? I believe that Joe Biden is old. And Tim Scott is almost 58.

On September 19th, born in North Charleston in South Carolina. What do you miss most about Canada? What do you miss most about Canada? I do not miss that desecrated country as it is the so farthest away from my baby Tim Scott That must have been hard being long distance for so long Yes, it is and that's why people don't know of me or know about me and they think that Pillow Kashan is some sort of made up name

to which I say, that's your ignorance. And if you took one foot towards love or the kingdom of God, you would see that me and Tim Scott are having enough sex to be a couple, but not enough, not too much to be it premarital. Wow. And I am finding pleasure. I'm experiencing and finding pleasure with tim scott and i think that that's like the best place we could possibly leave it uh pilla kushan thank you so much for being here tim scott's actual girlfriend from canada thank you so much we'll be right back if you're watching this i love you and we're back.

Joining me on stage for a Love It or Leave It classic, Reality vs. Reality TV, it's two people who excel at both the wonderful Sam Sanders and the incredible Danielle Schneider. Hi, hi. Come on in. Hi there. Let me just move this pillow

cushion over to the side. Listen, the news can be bleak. Oh, look at this graphic. Cool. Which one is me? Is that me? Oh. So Sam is Rudy.

I know he's awful, but he's pretty. He is pretty. But what about Sandoval? Oh, this guy. So the news is bleak. Reality TV is fun. Yep. No, it'sandoval? Oh, this guy. So, the news is bleak. Reality TV is fun. No, it's not. It's also bleak. No, it isn't. Oh, it's bleak.

I talked to one of the guys from Love is Blind. He was like, here's what it's like. It's torture. It's horrible. But we enjoy it. When you go on Love is Blind, nobody wants to be... I don't want to be on it. I want to watch their torture and enjoy it. Nobody wants to be a Christian facing a lion,

but it's still probably a pretty entertaining couple of minutes. Thank you. And I would watch that coming next year on TLC. And that lion has like 12 kids. It's on TLC. Sam, let's start with this. a ukrainian official claims that elon musk's refusal to allow ukraine to use spacex starlink internet in crimea last fall led to civilian deaths doesn't it seem bad we've allowed a set of multi-billionaires who are clearly having a

midlife crisis to shape geopolitics it's very bad yes um that's what I would say I opened up the Walter Isaacson book I chose my words and carefully and I believe the first section is called Muse of Fire I did close it

Danielle the New York reboot is it working look we're both getting hard questions we really are and

I just want to acknowledge that we're both it's difficult for both of us the same amount of intelligence here we are is the reboot working look

I think it is I think it is too Jenna's Jenna's my girl you know Jenna Lyons I love Jenna but you know who's really great is

Jessel. Which one is Jessel? Who doesn't have sex. Yes. That's why she's great because she doesn't understand how she's coming off. She's insufferable. Exactly. That's what you're missing the point. No, I think

Jenna came in with a mission. She wants to sell those damn fake eyelashes. Which are great think Jenna came in with a mission. She wants to sell those damn fake eyelashes. Which are great. I've already bought. She's publicizing her shit. She gets it. The audacity of someone on one of these programs trying to use it as a platform. I love that.

But what Jessel is selling is her personality, which is terrible. Awful. But that's what we're coming for. I don't need someone that can acknowledge or say they're sorry. I need someone who doesn't know how they're coming off. That's why she's great. What is so weird to me this season of the New York reboot is the obsession with arguing over

food and meals and eating. What the hell is that? Because they're starving. These women are starving. There's one girl who's just like, I'm going to the store to get food every episode. I know. What's her name? Uba. She's like, I'm going to the store. I'm getting food. What's so insulting is Aaron on this show. I know. What's her name? Uba. She's like, I'm going to the store. I'm getting food. Well, that's because

what's so insulting is Aaron on this show. Which one? I don't know their names. Which one is Aaron? How dare you pretend you don't know their names? I know Jenna

and the rest are just different. No, Aaron on this show, she is, she thinks she's Jennifer Aniston. But how dare she? She, like me, Jewish and she's not

feeding anyone. How dare she? Oh, the blonde one. Yes. She doesn't put out a spread. She had caviar and a Pringle. How dare. How dare.

She got that from Martha Stewart. Order a pizza. Martha Stewart put that on her Instagram. That's like one thing. You need to have 12 things. Yes. I'm sorry. I'm just, sorry.

I apologize to be a little bit. I'm not. I want to understand something. That's on you. When you say that they're starving and no one's putting any food out, is the idea that – are they entertaining each other in each other's homes? Yes, and you're supposed to put food out, and they're not. But even when they're out –

In New Jersey, they put out a loaf of bread shaped like a lobster. Yes. That is putting out a spread. But here's the thing. They're never satisfied. When they're at someone's house, the food's not right. When they go out, the other girls get mad at what restaurant

they've gone to. It's just like, the food is just a means to start a fight wherever they are. No. Wherever they are. I think they're starving them

so they fight. Yeah. I can see that. I can see that. Well, that's a classic. That's potato patato, I guess. Yeah. Isn't that a reality show staple

that there's no food in the fridge? Starve them and get them drunk them can i tell you my favorite reality show factoid so i interview one of the guys from love is blind nick that you really are into the show i am so into it but he was like yo it's low-key torture one the pods that they're in on the show that's a sound stage they keep them there for a few hours then they take them to a hotel where they stay for like 18 hours with no phone. And as soon as they show up for the show, they take their phone,

their wallet, and their passport. So you just can't leave. But that's a different type of reality show. It's horrible. The Real Housewives can come and go. Well, they got stuck in the Hamptons. And that is torture. They can leave anytime they want. They just have to quit the Hamptons. They did. And that is torture. That is torture. They can leave anytime they want. They just have to quit the show.

No. They're basically made to think they can't leave because they don't have a wallet or a phone. They can't order an Uber. Or a passport. But the hotel is still in this country. I'm sorry. You're making it sound like, oh, you may not realize this, but Love is Blind is actually sex trafficking? Yeah.

Who's to say? And what hotel are they at? Are they at like a, you know, like a... Is it a Kempton? Yeah. I say at a Kempton. Or is it like a Residence Inn? Are we talking about a Hilton?

They have big rooms at Residence Inn. I'm fine with that. Are we talking about like a Hilton Courtyard? A Marriott Courtyard? Is there a Kitchenette or not? Yeah. These are the questions. Anywho, lost the plot. Sorry, as you were.

Sam, two audience members were kicked out of the Drew Carey show. Drew Carey show? Something's not right. Drew Barrymore? Wait, Drew Carey? Drew Barrymore. Drew Barrymore.

Sam, two audience members of the Drew Barrymore show taping. Now I'm imagining Drew Carey as a scab. I'm like, Cleveland Rocks is back. You can't spin that wheel without having scripts. You can't play those games, Plinko. I wonder if Price is Right is back. None of us knows. Sam, two audience members of the Drew Barrymoremore show reportedly kicked out of a taping for wearing

wga pins yes what's going on over there all right i love this story because i'm fully convinced that drew barrymore is actually the craziest celebrity to ever have existed and i love her but she's crazy um so she made all these headlines because she's bringing her show back without writers as the strike still goes on. And even the statement in which she announces this just proves that she needs writers. It was the worst Instagram statement ever. And then once it happens, she kicks out WGA pin wearing audience members. Well, she doesn't. They put out a statement that's saying

that she didn't know which i would actually believe she's not she's not doing she's not doing bag checks yeah but like you have people who work for you who think that's cool to do right right yeah i don't like it what's interesting too though is like it must have been surprised so i do think the problem was that that post that she put up about why she was coming back she said i own it i this is my decision and my decision alone, which made it seem, A, like she knew she was doing something that would, it was like saying,

I stole the cookies from the cookie jar. I'm inviting some rebuke. And in a way that kind of claimed, it had this mix of being like, I know I'm going to get shit for this and i kind of want it a little bit you know who was just quiet all summer whoopi goldberg in them the view has been taping all summer without writers and nobody cares well that's they just show up and work but that's the thing that's i mean no statements just go work right but if like the fact that drew

barrymore put out a weird statement and then caused this mini kerfuffle i think part of it also is that it's actually i think drew's a little bit of a victim of her own success because a she backed out of the mtv i think movie awards in a way that got people got a lot of praise and b people just like her and feel like they know her and so it must have been surprising right that she got all this of her got this response because there are other shows with the exact same kind of contract situation that did come back but it only came for her well and i don't i don't know i don't think she's that popular i think the view is and three times as big don't know. I don't think she's that popular. I think The View is three times as big of a show.

I think that like- But I think she is beloved. People love her. I love her. I love gawking at it all. Yeah. None of it makes sense to me. And I'm like, this is interesting.

Well, you know, it's interesting too that like, I feel like there's some other, it's interesting that, so Drew Barrymore basically says, I'm doing this for the staff. That's not for me, but it's my that so drew barrymore basically says i'm doing this for the staff it's not for me and but it's my decision yeah and then bill maher puts out a snide version kind of obnoxious version of that statement but colbert conan they went through this and came back in the same way during the last writer's strike but it was a different contract in the last writer's

strike like they did do their shows without without writers but it was a different contract in the last writer's strike. Like they did do their shows without writers, but it was a different contract. So they could, the contract has changed, I believe. There's some way in which, yeah, but at the same time though,

they still were, they still had to say like, we don't want to do this. They tried to get exceptions to their contract to do it. Well, Bill Maher is a member of the WGA. So it's a little bit, that's why the WGA

had to put out a statement basically saying like, you have to do more, you know, you can't produce writing. You can't be writing either. You're scabbing if you write. Yeah.

But it does, it is, you know, there's like sort of the online conversation about, which is a kind of an easy shot that people I think

like don't do this. But I do think that like, I think because their statements were so like kind of poorly given and received yeah I think they like the version of the statement that say Conan did a decade ago or that these guys did a decade while also being on their show criticizing the studios and criticizing their own networks for being for not sort of giving the writers what they want it is interesting to me that like you know we're five months into this thing and I'm sure they're under a lot of pressure from the people that work on the show and aren't writers. And there does seem to be like, there's the online conversation about the strike. And

then there's the quiet conversation that's like agrees that that still believes the writers are completely in the right, but is more willing to be like, this is awful and this has to end. But be quiet about it. Move quietly. Do what you got to do. Again, I say, Whoopi Goldberg has been crossing the picket line all summer and no one fucking knows. I think that there's also a self-centering here. Drew didn't have to release that statement.

Her PR team didn't write that statement for her. She put it on her fucking notes app. These celebrities can't just be quiet and do the thing. I don't like that. I don't write that statement for her. She put it on her fucking notes app. Like, these celebrities can't just be quiet and do the thing. I don't like that. I don't like that. I will say that The View kept going throughout the summer,

where Drew's show has a summer break. It was stopped and then comes back. Anyway, so, again, I don't know. I don't know anybody involved with this situation. But I do think that to come back suddenly during it yes it's a news event going it is an event people would have noticed totally so i'm not excusing her like i i don't think you should cross the picket line that's how i feel and i also think like the writers aren't to blame for what's to happen i mean i'm a writer so well and then what was

really annoying sorry i actually do like drew barry. But in the statement and in the posturing around why she was doing this, she was like, well, obviously, the Drew Barrymore show is very vital to the community to help them process the world right now. Really? Bless her. I'm done now. Sorry. Yeah, it's like, I don't like, like, you know, when the government shuts down, it's like essential services, essential workers. The Drew Barrymore show was an essential service show. Look, we all remember when the when the team behind the Drew Barrymore show was going to work during the pandemic, people coming out and clapping at five o'clock every day. That's too much. Drew, call me. The rumors of a complete Atlanta reboot have fans worried. Now that you've seen the full season.

You can't even put your heart in it. You're just saying it phonetically. Atlanta reboot. The rumors are, now that you've seen the full season and the reunions, do you feel a New York style reboot is necessary for the women of Atlanta? No. Like an all new cast? No, no.

I say no to that. I say until you get Nene back in the universe, it's not going to be right. What? I miss her. What about... No, no, no, no, no. I miss Nene. I miss Phaedra.

I miss... Nene was the OG. I love Nene, but I also... But there's bad blood there, so I don't know that she can come back. And you know what? If Andy Cohen has to leave for Nene to come back... What? Nene needs to be back.

You're speaking about my lord and senior. How dare you? I miss NeNe every day. I miss NeNe too. We can hold two truths. We all miss her. But I also think we can't go anywhere without Kenya. I think we can't go anywhere without Kandy.

I think that it's impossible to reboot. I think we need new people on the show. I don't think some of the women are holding their own. Candy is very busy right now. She's going to get an EGOT. Like that's her goal. You think that? Yes.

Why not? First of all, I don't want to brag, but I went to elementary school with Candy. Oh, is she nice? We didn't know each other. She was a different grade.

Say you were the host of a podcast that was hypothetically going to meet and interview a housewife soon at a live show in Atlanta. What? Despite having never seen a frame of the show, what story arc would you recommend diving into to get the quickest understanding of her city and franchise hypothetically? I mean, in Atlanta,

I think we'd have to talk about Ralph and Drew and the fact that he's been cheating on her and maybe she's been cheating on him. And I think also we'd have to talk about Ralph and Drew and the fact that he's been cheating on her and maybe she's been cheating on him. And I think also we'd have to talk. In Atlanta are we talking about? Yeah. I will be in Atlanta. Who are you interviewing? Tell us.

Hypothetically. Tell us. Hypothetically Candy, right? What? Oh, have you watched the show? Tell her. You need to tell her you tried bedroom candy and you tried her sex swing. Is that plausible to you? I tried it. No, to me.

Why can't you try her sex swing? You look flexible. Wow. Wait, have you watched the show? Oh, sweetie. I know, but watch it. You got to watch it. I got to watch it?

Yes. You do. All right. So interview her, tell her you love Bedroom Candy and that you've watched her new movie on Peacock. Can we get that down?

That's great. Let's make sure that's in the cards. What's the movie called? I forget the name. Her husband. Okay. Thank you. Everybody watched it.

The Pass. It's called The Pass and it's about like a husband and wife who have a pass to have sex with other people in their marriage. I assume, I haven't seen it, but I assume it goes awry. Sounds like it might.

Yeah, I don't know. I don't want to guess. A few weeks ago, I was introduced to Mary Cosby, the Real Housewives of Salt Lake City, the Real Housewives of Salt Lake City who's married to her step-grandfather on a subscription show, Terminally Online.

That's a plug. But what our producers didn't tell me was that she was about to be out-weirded by the city's newest housewife, Monica Garcia. What fun facts can you tell me about this woman? Well, I don't think it's out-weirded because I think marrying your grandfather is probably the weirdest we can get.

But I would say Monica... And think about that, Kendra and Brian. I don't know that you can get weirder such an important point yeah thank you but I think what we know about Monica

is that she had an 18 month affair with her with her brother-in-law oh hello yeah and then

was excommunicated from the Mormon church but her for that affair. For having coffee. Oh. For not wearing those adorable underwear. But she was

excommunicated from that same church but the brother-in-law could stay. Can I ask you a question? Can I ask you a question? Sister's husband or brother? Sister-in-law's husband or brother? Sister-in-law's husband.

So in-law, in-law. Yeah, like they're not blood. Double in-law. Well, no, no, they're definitely, I get that. Well, no, it could be your, it could be, oh, it could have been her husband's,

her, wait, her husband's brother. Husband's sister's. Is it her husband's brother or is it her sister's husband's? I think it's her husband's brother. Is it her husband's brother or is it her sister's husband's? I think it's her husband's sister's husband. Are we looking for a way to make this justifiable? Again, Mary Cosby is married to her

grandfather. And again, per the conversation we had and Kendra, we can talk about I'm curious why you thought this was weirder well we'll dive into it but but we all this is not vertical on the heart this is the important thing is this one doesn't seem like it goes up or down the family tree it goes it goes to the side branch it's a it's a flowering branch if you will on the right right right right right but it's all great. And also a fun fact about her

is that she cried on the show because she isn't as rich as the other women. And so she had to, she found herself in a Louis Vuitton store buying a Louis Vuitton just to kind of like make her feel better. It's tough. Did it work?

It did. Because then in the next episode, she goes, guys, I've got Xannies in my Louie. Wow. Sounds like the Xannies worked. Well, I think she was trying to show off her Louies. Everybody's like, who doesn't have Xannies? But none of us have Louies.

Right, right. And you can put Xannies in a Louie, but you can't put a Louie in a Xanny. You can't put a Louie in a Xanny. And we're always saying that. We're never not saying that. you know what my grandmother used to say you can't put a Louie in a Zanny now what was he asking you about Russia again hey

Megan Thee Stallion clarified that despite what you might have assumed from a video taken backstage at the VMAs she's not in a feud with Justin Timberlake no one likes him no one likes him what he did likes him. No one likes him. I agree. What he did to Britney. What he did to Janet.

What he did to all of them. What he did to Jessica. What he did to my ears. What he did to country music when he released that Man of the Woods album. Megan wanted to fight that man. And she was restrained. And I say, Megan, you see him again on site. Cut him up.

I gotta say, when I saw all those NSYNCs together, all those NSYNC boys in that elevator, all the NSYNCs. Boys is doing some work. Yeah, I know. Who knew that the real stud of the group was... Joey Fatone. Joey Fatone.

Oh, I always knew. I was always team Joey. Can we all talk about that? Always team Joey. I was team JC Chazet. JC's solo album, Schizophrenic, quite nice. I was Joey. Looks wise, I was Joey. I was team JC Chazet. JC's solo album, Schizophrenic, quite nice. Oh, it was good. Looks wise, I was Joey.

If I was lighting a candle, it was for JC. Me too. And then Justin throws it out. Joey is Zadeh. Joey is a Zadeh. Yeah. Looking good for tone. Yeah.

Although, what I didn't like about this whole, like, NSYNC is coming, NSYNC is coming, NS coming, instinct is coming You bring them on this effing stage And no one sings or does the bye bye bye dance How dare they not do that What? That's what Megan Stallion was yelling at I want you to dance Justin That's what Megan was saying to him

Those dances, they do not stand the test of time Yes they fucking do Bye bye bye Can you do it? Do it. Do it. Oh, excuse me. Absolutely not.

The test of a dance isn't can I do it. That's not a test any dance is really gonna... Okay. I can't do them all. But I do think that I can't do any of them.

Okay. Okay. But do you think that Megan was really just like, oh, I was happy to see him? You saw the video. They look so nonchalant and cavalier like they were just chilling out,

but they weren't. There was a kerfuffle. The photographer took a picture. Is this a good place to take a second? It wasn't a picture. It was a video. I saw the video. In the video, you think she looks...

She's yelling at him. She's yelling at him. But apparently she was saying, I'm getting ready. I'm getting prepped. I can't say hi to you. This doesn't count. I'm going to come say hi getting prepped. I can't say hi to you. This doesn't count.

I'm going to come say hi to you later. See, but like. That's what she said she said. Because couldn't it be one of those things where it's like, oh my God, Sam, it's so good to see you. Remember that story I was going to tell you about that fucking asshole who came at me in my car? Yes. You could get fucking caught like that.

Yes. But also, if I have an opportunity to imagine that someone else also dislikes Justin Timberlake, I will take the opportunity. My problem with Justin Timberlake, I will take the opportunity. My problem with Justin Timberlake... Yes. Yes. And that is my question. I knew that that was next.

My problem with Justin Timberlake is, do you remember when they did an interview with him a few years ago and he was like, well, if I wasn't a singer, I'd probably be on Saturday Night Live. And I was like, oh, that's an easy option. Like, oh, of course. You're so funny. You know, I will.

Fuck you. Although Dick in a Box was good. He didn't write it. Touche. Wasn't there one where he, there was another one where he was wearing, always wearing a costume and going. Yeah, like come on down to Funhouse

or whatever, like in a banana. Yeah. We don't remember the words. We don't need to. Got some JT fans up in here. a costume and going yeah like come on down to Funhouse or whatever like in a panama yeah yeah we don't remember the words we don't need to got some JT fans up in here yeah here's I will say this

you will say this you were like for what he did to Britney but in part it's what we did to Britney there's that I didn't do that to Britney because we didn't

but we all like Cry Me A River we all like Cry Me A River not me you didn't like Cry Me A River I thought it was rude you didn't like that song at the time I thought it was rude come on i don't just like it oh yeah you were like timberland being like yeah it's a good song no i didn't like it when i think back

to the moment in which i thought i liked justin timberlake's music i realized i only liked the black people who were making the music for him. Timberland. Timberland, Pharrell, you know. The song is good. I would have taken all of those songs. I would have loved those songs even more if they were produced by the same people, but like Usher sang them. That would have been so much better. Now I did like the Trolls song. What?

Wow. And that at least is one thing where we can all come together. That comes on at a bat mitzvah, come on. You're moving your shoulders. You are. Final question. What do you think about Bethany Frankel's ongoing calls for reality TV to unionize? Is it a necessary step for the medium or the beginning of the end?

Sometimes it's not the message, it's the messenger. or the beginning of the end? Sometimes it's not the message, it's the messenger. And so I believe that if you add to the success of a program, you deserve to be paid. You know what I'm saying? So if you are adding to success,

if you are making good television, you get paid. I believe that entirely. Is Bethany Frankel the one I want to be heading my union? But here's the thing. Bethany Frankel the one I want to be heading my union? But here's the thing. Bethany Frankel got us to pay attention. I'll give her that.

She's a big enough star in that reality world. She says something, you look, you talk about it, you think. I don't want her at the negotiating table. I don't want her to be a shop steward. But hold the megaphone. That's fine. But then she's taking that megaphone to the next day to the walgreens or the tj maxx and giving them used makeup like i have a

problem like she's a mess like she's a mess crab like in a hotel room be like this suck like crab juice dripping down she's wild but also it's not the the larger question though is like can can some of these reality shows ever successfully be unionized how can you unionize below deck how can you you how can you make that a safe workspace it's below deck well i think you can you have to make it a safe workspace because on a boat that's a workplace unless you take off unless you make them not drink you can't fix it well that's after hours, right? No, but I guess like you have to-

They stay drinking. They stay drinking. They stay drinking. Listen, I don't take to the high seas in my reality programming. You like your drunks on land. I'm on solid ground, so I don't go-

I just feel like, I don't know, it's like, you know, can you unionize the fifth circle of hell? Sure. It's still the fifth circle of hell. I do think- Some of these shows are just bad. You can't complain to your rep when it's hot It's like, you know, can you unionize the fifth circle of hell? Sure. It's still the fifth circle of hell. Some of these shows are just bad. You can't complain to your rep when it's hot at the fifth circle of hell.

Yes. Well, yeah, exactly. How did you not come with me? And like the reality union. What the fuck? Like can we unionize 90 Day Fiancé? You can't do it. Like I don't know how to unionize that.

Also, if you unionize these shows, they become no fun. You don't want to see that. You don't want to see a unionized reality show. You want to see... It could just be about the money. It could be about the money and also about safety. I think we need money and safety. They're also asking about mental health protocols. So basically, all of these shows

do extreme isolation. No, no, but all of these shows put the contestants through extreme isolation to get better performance on camera. And everyone wants mental health professionals on set. Do it. I agree. Do it. I agree.

You should do it. And also stop isolating them like that. What the hell? Well, again, I'm not taking to the seas and I'm not taking to the pods. Where are you taking? I'm taking to the Hamptons. I go where the money is. I like to go, you know.

But I'm also in Plathville right now, too, which is terrifying. Plathville. Have you ever seen Welcome to Plathville? What is that? Oh, it's amazing. Who is that? What is it? It's this family of fundamentalists.

Where? In Georgia, in Cairo, Georgia. Lord. And they have so many kids. But they're just now being exposed to the real world. Like one of the older boy has just had like sex and a Coke for the first time. And it is. Cocaine?

No, Coca-Cola. Because, you know. That would be interesting as well. But it's amazing. Watch Welcome to Plathville. What network? TLC, of course. TLC?

What is it? TLC Plus? Where do I find this well you have to find it on max okay i'm not again i'm striking so no scatting oh yeah i don't know where you can i don't know where you find it on your own yeah yeah find it just sniff it out that's what that's what that's what the first person he had sex with said uh i liked that i liked that I liked that Thank you so much to Sam and Danielle

Go listen to Sam's pod Into It and Danielle's Bitch Sesh when we come back to Infinity and Beyond Beyond Horny Don't go anywhere This is Love It or Leave It

and there's more on the way And we're back! At a hearing on Tuesday, a self-described UFOlogist, or ufologist, surprised Mexico's Congress by bringing in two covered boxes. As the so-called UFO expert spoke, two men revealed that inside the boxes were two little mummified aliens. Under oath, the expert said, these are non-human beings who are not part of our terrestrial evolution. Here to tackle this hard-hitting news of the week, please welcome to the stage, the very funny Morgan Jay. Come on out. Hi. Nice. Hi. What's up? Sorry, I'm yelling at

everybody. How's it going? Let me ask you this, Morgan. morgan yes talk to me the mummies had three fingers on their hands case closed that's enough that's enough fingers you know what i mean but not too many but not too many it's just the right amount you know i wonder how many knuckles they have you know what i mean right right yeah some multiple of three one assumes the real question is what would would you or the people in the studio audience, would they find an alien attractive? Who would be the first contact contact? Do you know what I mean? And that's such an important question.

It is an important question because, you know, I feel like I'd be curious, you know. I'm a curious person, you know. Yeah. Yeah. Are you flirting with me? That's funny. He like got all relaxed. Look, I accidentally flirt all the time.

I accidentally flirted with Chris Christie. Like a little bit. Shut up. We like that energy. That's good energy. The expert Jaime Maussan claims that the bodies were found in a remote site in Peru and are more than 1,000 years old. He also sells health supplements. I mean, it feels suspicious.

It is kind of quite the coincidence that the aliens resemble every alien you see in a movie. You know what I mean? It looks just like E.T. Right. I mean, let's take a look at this. I mean, they looks just like et right it's like the like i mean let's take a look at this i mean he's covered in they are covered in dust thank you so thank you thank you for being a good ally i don't know what the genital situation is with the aliens could be two holes four penises we don't know what it is and and and that's and that's humble yeah that's

the humility before the awesomeness of the universe itself. Exactly. So here's the thing. I want to believe that this is real. This is legit. Just because we just need something exciting to happen. You know what I mean? Like, we need this.

I still have student loans. And I just feel like if this was real, it'd really make that unimportant to the the government the the government and all the people like how could anyone think of that at a time like this you know what i'm saying so it is frustrating that the most important and pivotal discoveries regarding extraterrestrials do happen to the weirdest people in our society it never happened it's never like it's never fauci you know it's never a trusted adult it's This is true. It's never like, it's never Fauci. Yeah, it's not Fauci. It's never a trusted adult. It's never a trusted adult.

It's never like a scientist. The other thing is, even if aliens are real, and let's say this is real, none of us are ready to believe that it's real. Do you know what I'm saying? Like, it might have, maybe this is 100% real, but we would never. Well, this is just like, this is not the chain of custody sucks i don't want

to go peruvian mine area lunatic mexican congress it's me i want i want like just get us get a get a scientist in there you know not someone who calls himself a ufologist a made-up term based around an acronym it sounds that's not right it sounds like they spelled urologist wrong and he just he just stuck with it. You know what I mean? A former fighter pilot for the US Navy, Ryan Graves, also spoke at the hearing.

He's one of the pilots who testified in the US about his experience with unidentified aerial phenomena and wants people to take this seriously because he believes it's a safety issue. He put out a statement saying that the mummy reveal was, quote,

a huge step backwards. Why such a dick? Why such a dick as far as why the money? Wait, say that again? Why shit shit on this why not let this be let let this be and and look i think people believe in much weirder things than than than aliens to be honest you know what i mean yeah it's like uh all kinds of things all kinds of look at those hip bones though right so sharp so angular yeah i think it's a i think i think i think these aliens also discovered ozempic uh yeah so now you have an interest in aliens

as a reference i've been and even before this came out i've been thinking about you know i'm a big star trek i don't want to promote we can't promote i'm not on the show i'm just i'm a big fan you didn't mention it i'm like freaking out oh my god what's going on are you worried that you're gonna give star trek publicity yeah uh i'm a big star trek fan and you know star trek is kind of a horny show if you haven't watched it i don't know if you've watched it like if you watch the first season of next generation there's there's literally an episode three i think episode three it's like i don't know what that well no there's a there's like a full sex planet it's like a planet for, for fucking. And I'm just like, what if aliens are horny?

You know, and I, and, and, and what if they're horny for us? And what if they're just on a planetary, you know, mission to fuck, you know? And I'm so glad you asked. Yeah. This is a tough question about how human beings would interact if aliens did appear. And inspired by this question that you've asked not just here tonight but uh online and in the world yeah it's time for a game we're calling would you have sex with this alien that's right yeah here we go here we go yes uh nice and this is easy these are easy i i do this

on stage i i do a whole smasher pass with it i'm i'm mean for me it's gonna be like probably smash everybody because i'm curious you know so uh let's start with et from 1982's et the extraterrestrial things to consider is et a baby i mean what the what that what that finger do though do you know what i mean what that finger do really you know what i mean it's the prostate the clear who knows what it is you know what i mean you they said i could say the clit. Who knows what it is? You know what I mean? They said I could say whatever on the show. And you can. It's more like, it's not that you can say whatever, but you've also inspired surprising thoughts.

You know what I'm saying? I mean, look, E.T. is serving they, them energy. And I don't know what the age of E.T. is, but I don't want to be crass about it, but the finger, it seems very interesting. I mean, for those of you haven't had a finger in the butt, it's, it's, it's an imagine that, I mean, what does that finger in the butt? Like, you know, it's crazy.

Not one of the ET one. Yeah. Crazy. Yeah. Right. Maybe you see God or the, I don't know if that's, I don't know. Come on guys. Don't tighten up on me now. That's don't know. I don't know. Come on, guys. Don't tighten up on me now.

That's what E.T. said. Don't tighten up on me now. So it's a yes from you on E.T.? Absolutely. Assuming there are... E.T. seems like a young alien, though. Hey, baby! But knows their way around technology. Can make things happen. Natasha Henstridge's character from the 1995 film Species.

She's an alien. She kills you though, right? Yeah, she will kill you. That's just, that's the price you have to pay. I mean, it sounds kind of hot. That's the premise of the film. Sounds kind of hot. That's the premise of the film.

We all know it's a praying mantis kind of energy. You know what I mean? That's the premise of the film. We all know it's a praying mantis kind of energy. You know what I mean? And maybe it's a transcendent sexual experience. And who knows, Matt? Maybe when she kills you after sex, you go somewhere else into an entity of, see, I'm thinking about these things.

Yeah, yeah. I've thought too much about it, unfortunately. Someone in the audience responded like, yeah, obviously. Obviously. You die from sex and go to you you die from sex and go to heaven or some version of it so of course it's fine yeah absolutely and i think that's right what about in her final form yeah you forgot about the final form wow you know if i if i had enough to drink probably yeah next up wharf from star trek oh i got to meet michael dorn at a show

he's such a nice person and his head game is strong you know what i mean not that but you know i know you're saying it's a pun it's about give you go i got come on yeah um but um his love making is probably very aggressive and some people like that yes i think he's strong he's daddy also here's something yes and here's something i think that's right if you're not just fucking but dating or no games no games no no head games honor he's gonna text you back he's not gonna ghost you because that ghosting is not an honorable no thing to do and um you know the sex though is it is probably i mean i know for a fact that the among klingons the sex is violent so you will bleed a little bit to date right thank you you know this kendra pointing out that they have two dicks no so all klingons have backup or they have two lungs and two hearts and two dicks

and two, two, two buttholes and they got it all. So, you know, you know, you really don't need a, it's interesting to have a backup butthole because having a backup butthole

in case something happens to the first butthole is very similar to when Carmen San Diego steals the grand Canyon because you can't steal a hole. You can't. Because what are you doing? Are you filling it in or are you leaving behind a slightly bigger hole? See what I'm saying? And in the same way, you don't need a backup butthole. Yeah.

I don't think. Yeah. I'm not sure now that I think about it. Maybe you do. Someone goes wrong. I mean, look, I don't know. This segment got so much deeper than i thought it would hey that's also what et said that's right but yeah uh wharf is gonna be a good time for sure

and he seems like he's an attentive lover to like he'll listen to you if you communicate with him and his lips oh he's got nice lips yeah uh the mustache is whatever i don't know he's got like a like a full man shoe thing going on over there and perhaps it goes without saying but warf and the board queen ask you to be their third you know the board queen looking kind of nice though you know what i'm saying kind of nice data was into the board queen can you blame them i mean they probably experience sex on a different wavelength and,

you know, zeros and ones and data that we don't, you know, one mind, you know, and imagine your mind, imagine you're making love

to somebody and their minds, it comes together. Yeah. You could literally come at the same time. One computer. Yeah.

But the Wi-Fi goes out, it's probably a problem. And then Elon shuts off the fucking wi-fi halfway through then where you at fucking nowhere yeah the heptapods from 2016's arrival oh this is an immediate yes because you know you know that these these aliens have legendary grip legendary suction and grip I'm terrifyingly so probably and because they have the ability to you know

transcend time that fourth dimension you could probably experience the orgasm over and over again right like right before you have sex you're like did we just have sex? you know you could relive that before you're like but I haven't met you yet oh but you do so you did so you will yeah in a way you're all in way if you ever just always nutting and that's and that's that's interesting to think about a lot

of interesting thoughts today and what's also if if the moment you decide that yes you will have sex with a heptapod you always did yeah and so just thinking it now if they if it ever were to happen it has always happened are you so are we saying like so are our octopus octopi off the table or on the table now or uh also in japanese culture that was very we're not gonna get into like ten we can't get into it we can't get and we can't we simply can't get into it it's a very we into it. We simply can't, but there are scrolls. There are scrolls. There are scrolls.

There are scrolls. You can scroll. Which also, that word scroll is another type of alien. Anyway, I'm a nerd. Okay. The Iron Giant from 1999's The Iron Giant. It's going to be a no from me. Wow.

Walk me through your thinking. at this point in the game rusty you're probably gonna get tetanus you're gonna you're gonna cut something hurt something unless the robot is upgradable then you could probably do if the robot's upgradable then yeah you know because you could add certain accoutrements lubes, but in that, you know, in the case of the iron giant, it's going to be like oil or something like it's going to be like a hard diesel.

Yeah. And that's going to be kind of probably uncomfortable. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I am. I'm not a gun. Yeah.

Right. Uh, but the settings on it, you know, probably like it could be like one of those like sibian seat you ever heard of it we got it we got it we got a couple freaks in the crowd over there y'all don't know what that you know what the you know what the fuck i'm talking about you perverts brian oh my god we love you okay uh next next google it google it google it

next alien henry kissinger ah yes yes things to consider former u.s secretary of state was this joke work making in the segment do enough people know or care that henry kissinger is an immigrant do you care i don't care aliens are welcome you know what i mean yeah legal illegal well that's not the question the question is would you fuck him? No, I wouldn't. I'll take the heptapod. Sorry, Henry. Sorry, Henry. I'll take the heptapod over.

No suction. No suction. The grip game. Unless the teeth come out. Unless the teeth come out. Such an important point. Very important point. Something to think about.

Something to think about. I've yet to experience a toothless uh war criminal uh the uh uh and finally the cloverfield monster you know logistically this is a nightmare and i feel like I have to get to the top of a building, it looks like. But has the right attitude about New York. I don't know where the orifices are. I don't know what's a leg or an arm. It's going to be a very weird game of Twister going on here.

And I don't know. I mean, and it looks like it's been with a lot of people. Honestly, New York is dirty. I'm surprised slut-shaming is where we ended up after this segment. Not in that way. Not in that way. Like, I would want to know the last time it got tested, you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah.

Before we ever got down with anything know what I mean? Yeah. No. Before we ever, you know, got down with anything. And, uh, what about Al final one? Alf? Yeah.

Funny. Alf. Funny. He's attractive. Fun, nurturing, cozy. Could really,

you know, on a rainy day with cold rainy day, you're living it. He seems like a good, they see, I don't know. Alf is a, I'm assuming Alf is a,

I know they had like a, kind of like a male voice, but like a, I feel like Alf on a rainy day would be a nice time you know snuggle up i mean it's the closest thing you could get to you know probably smooching your dog i mean look at this cute little i'm not saying i want to have sex with your dog john i was doing so well in this segment i really was i really was murdering this segment. You were crushing it. You were crushing it.

And you're like, slut shame the Cloverfield Monster and then said you wanted to fuck my dog. Thank you so much, Morgan. You're welcome. Morgan is about to go on tour. You can check the site for details. What's the site? Just morganj.com.

That's J-A-Y. We're going to about 30 cities. The next stop is Hawaii. And then we're doing, we're kind of zigzagging. San Diego, up north, then back down. And we will be doing a, we'll be talking about aliens for sure. We might be talking about robots. Hey.

It's a very kind of. Johnny Five, yes or no? I like Johnny Five. Although that movie Notorious for Indian Face. Yes. Yes. I don't know if you remember that. I do Johnny Five. Although that movie Notorious for Indian Face. Yes. Yes. I don't know if you remember that. I do remember that.

But the robot was, Johnny Five was cool. And live at the Village Vanguard, your special is out now on YouTube. Yes. You can just watch it on YouTube. We recorded this legendary recording studio. And I can almost guarantee if you watch this special with somebody you're crushing on or you're, you know, you might be maybe early on, you're going to make love during and maybe after the special. Wow. Yes.

That's a guarantee. And that is a Morgan J guarantee. Wow. Take that to the bank. That's right. And you can take that to the bank. And if not, refund on the special. That refund.

Exactly. All right. When we come back, the rave wheel. Let's go. And we're back. Midwesterners, get your malort out. Love It or Leave It is coming to Chicago on September 21st and Madison on September 22nd. Both shows are almost sold out, so hurry up and get your tickets before it's too late. We have incredible guests. Mayor Brandon Johnson, Alice Wetterlin, Jillian Flynn is going to be on, Ben Wickler,

and many more non-Midwesterners. Pour your Merlord in the toilet. It's disgusting. But make sure to head to that page anyway to check out Pod Save America and Love It or Leave It shows that'll be all across other places. All fall and all winter. Go see it. Check out Pod Save America and Love It or Leave It's live shows this fall and winter.

We're heading to cities like Louisville, San Diego, San Jose, D.C., New Orleans, and more. Get your tickets at cricket.com slash events. Please welcome back to the stage Sam, Danielle, and Lisa. Hey, what's up, y'all? We missed you.

Hi. Hey. We want to know. I feel like I owe Drew an apology. Drew Barrymore, I still love you. Make better choices. No, but I heard what you said about it. I agree.

Okay. Yeah, I agree. Meanwhile, someone, I still love you. Make better choices. No, but I heard what you said about it. I agree. Okay. Yeah, I agree. Meanwhile, someone's like, he said he loves her. Cancel the hit. I do love Drew Barrymore. Drew has a sniper on call. I do love Drew.

Yeah, she's like, not today, Sam. Not today. All right. Now it's time for the rave wheel. It's a positive rant wheel. There's no difference on the wheel itself. It's just positive stuff.

Because last week, Ro Khanna, during the rant wheel, said people are ranting too much and it's got to stop. And he's in Congress. And so we listened. This week on the wheel, we have Ezra Miller's performance in The Flash. We have getting clothes tailored. We have the smartening up of America. Twist. We have eating establishments Tailored. We have the Smartening Up of America twist. We have Eating Establishments That Don't Carry Heinz Ketchup. We have Dateline the Podcast.

We have Olivia Rodrigo's new album. We have Kyle XY and we have Fashion Week. Let's spin the wheel. Spin that wheel. Good answer. Good answer. Thank you for asking. Thank you for asking. No whammy, no whammy, no whammy. Stop. And has landed on Dateline the podcast, which was suggested by Danielle. Yes. It's incredible. First of all,

what I love about Dateline the podcast is it's not like they've converted it for the podcast forum. They've just held a tape recorder up to the TV and just pressed record. So they'll be like, as you can see. And it's like, we can't, we're listening.

And also you get to hear Daddy Keith. Who is Daddy Keith? Daddy Keith Morrison, who's got the dulcet tones. He'll say that her smile was as big as a three car garage. It was as dark

as a California cabernet. Like that's who you're getting. Cause I want to hear murder. I don't want to see it. And that's what I love about daylight. But it's still always the husband, right? It's always the husband.

And usually she deserved it. Just kidding. Here's also my problem. Here's also my problem here's also my problem with he's always Keith is always like she lit up a room and you're like is I mean there's a lot of great people but is everybody lighting

up a room I just want to say it's like we're not all walking into a room lighting it up you know so let's just take that into consideration I don't want to speak ill of the dead but come on man walking into a room, lighting it up. You know? Wow. So let's just take that into consideration. I don't want to speak ill of the dead, but come on, man.

We can't all be lighting up rooms. One thing, and we always have said this on the show, you don't have to light up a room to deserve not to be murdered. Yes, thank you. You know what I mean? People who walk into a room and nobody notices, they get to live too.

Kill them. No, they don't. No, they don't? You don't have to have a twinkle in your eye to stay alive I don't know if introverts should live I'm sorry wow and honestly

that's the kind of thing that's the kind of thing you can't say anymore like with this whole thing you can't say things anymore that introverts don't deserve to live which we all think and know but are too afraid to say out loud because of all the ways in which we're not allowed to speak our minds thank you for saying it some of my worst exes are introverts it's fine but i suggest it highly also if you don't get daddy keith you'll get mank josh mankowitz Mankiewicz who I also love sexy men

sexy voices sexy murder when you say Mank all I hear that movie that black and white film Mank

that I don't know what it is but the first minute of that movie is four and a half hours long my screen can't get fucking past

the first two seconds of that the first two minutes of that movie I'm like keep stopping that's with Gary Oldman yeah well now just think of Mankiewicz Mankiewicz that's a better one but yes first two seconds of that, that first two minutes of that movie, I'm like, keep stopping. That's with Gary Oldman? Yeah.

Oh, yeah. Well, now just think of Mankiewicz. Mankiewicz. That's a better one, but yes, I highly suggest Dateline,

the podcast, not the show. Yeah. That's for real. Wow. I'd rather no one clapped, okay? Fuck you and your one goddamn clap.

I don't need you. Yeah. Clapping, he killed your girlfriend. I don't need you. Wow. Now you're on notice. Goddamn, Clap, I don't need you. Clap, he killed your girlfriend. I don't need you. Wow. Now you're on notice. You guys, she lights up a room. I do.

Kill me. Murder me. She had an ass like a three-car garage. Let's spin it again. It has landed on getting clothes tailored. That's right. And now Lisa, who's on our stage for the very first time. I came here to talk. I thought I was going to talk about Timotei Chalamet.

But then something extreme happened today. And when I show you I want you to scream. I got my pants tailored. Oh my god. Oh my god. Stop screaming you guys. They're not that cute. Scream. Yeah. So I realized you can tailor your clothes and you don't have to be Princess Diana to do this.

And you don't have to be any sort of special person or rich person. You can go to k-town and pay 25 to make your pants look like they're meant for your legs and your legs only because you know you go to a store and the pen and and clothes are made for a stranger they don't know you they don't know where your belly button is at they don't know what your legs are doing or how long or small or anything like that and you can have your own clothes made to your body and feeling good and looking good,

and your pants are not your boss. Actually, you're the boss of your pants. Wow. What caused the realization that you could do this? Well, you see, I was wearing belt. I was wearing belt, and it was... A belt? No, this is a cute belt. No, it's not.

I was getting, and what I was doing to these pants was creating some sort of, I don't want to say three-car garage, but there was a situation where it was like billowing the pants. Don't look at my crotch! And so I was like, I can't be wearing this belt anymore, but then, you know, the pants are loose here, they're too tight here. Anyways, the man fixed everything for me. Did someone tell you like, hey, yo, girl, let me tell you a secret. No one knows about this. A tailor.

Like, did someone bring you the information? Okay, it was kind of like a movie. I was driving. It was raining. I thought there was only

one light in the distance. It was like flickering, like tailor. I was like, tailor, tailor who? Like, Aris Tours?

What is this? It was tailor, yeah. And so I pulled in. I was like, you know, and I come on. There's like a scary guy

with one eye and a hook for a hand. He's like, hey, what do you need? I'm like, is there a safe place here? He's like, Taylor. And then I went in for refuge from the rain.

And he was like, your pants are too big. Wow. Did this really happen? No, none of this happened. But it was raining and I did drive by it and I just decided on whim to go in. And I had an extra pair of pants to change into so I could miraculously just give him the ones I was wearing. It was just iconic. It's amazing that tailors are...

Sorry. I agree with her because I discovered tailors like three or four years ago. I don't want to brag. I'm suffering in silence. My last name is Schneider, which in German means tailor.

And that means that an ancestor of mine when they came over was a tailor. Was a tailor. Does anybody tailor in your family know? No, they're dentists. They tailor. A different kind of tailoring. Hard pivot. No, they're not, but I do feel that my

I'm being spoken of, so you're welcome. Thank you. I did this. My people. Wow. And thank you. I did this. My people. Wow. And thank you. And thank you. And thank you.

And thank you. That's all I was asking for. And everybody. Thank you, Lisa. And thank you. I'm so proud of your journey. We're so happy for you. And a huge thanks to everyone.

And you can listen to Lisa's podcast, The Disappearance of Dickie Donnelly and catch her at UCB. Love it. I leave it. Let's spin it again. Yeah. It has landed on Olivia Rodrigo's new album. Yeah. I'm happy to admit in front of family friends

and loved ones that I am 39 years old and Olivia Rodrigo's biggest fan yeah that new album has me ready to call into TRL it is so beautifully nostalgic

she's making music that the gen z kids like but that the elder millennials like myself can relate to because it feels like it's from 1998 and she can sing like she does this shtick of like bedroom pop like cool hot cheerleader but then in every other song halfway through she just goes full musical theater and you're like oh yeah girl last thing to rant about with this album the lyrics are very wise one of the songs

The Bridge reads as follows I wanna key his car I wanna make him lunch I wanna break his heart then be the one to stitch it up wanna kiss his face with an uppercut. I want to meet his mom

just to tell her her son sucks. Wow. Olivia Rodrigo was a 43-year-old divorcee. And I love it so. That's my rant. She's the best. Get the album. Wow.

Olivia Rodrigo. I get the album wow okay Olivia Rodrigo I think the album's good you like it? I like it she got a lot of cases though huh? a lot of people

coming after her for what? you're ready to fight I'm ready to fight no she's good I heard you go for what?

but a lot of people saying you know say what? is this you or a lot of people with it? a lot of people yeah I feel know. Say what? Like a lot of. Is this you or a lot of people with it? No, a lot of people. Yeah, I feel like you're saying, oh, the streets are saying, the streets are saying, you are the streets.

There's literally like lawsuits because she's stolen, lifted something. She ain't stolen nothing. I mean. But my heart, my heart. Paramore would have you think differently. She paid Paramore. It's all good. Okay.

Haley's fine with it. Yeah. I'm just saying. No, but it slaps. It sl just saying nobody stops it slaps i my daughter who's 10 said that she liked the first album i'm just gonna tell you what the kids are saying my daughter liked the first album she loved driver's license that's all great song i mean i was that girl driving stalkinging the Knacks, of course. But she says the new album sounds too similar to the other album and it hasn't

changed that much. Why would you fuck with a good thing? It's true. I don't know. Do you want to fight my daughter? I do. Say it to my face. Give the people what they want. Yeah, I say give the people what they want. But also something different. I don't want to get between you. Let's spin it again. By the way, have you noticed

that we just blend in with the sofa? We all have these denim jeans on. We do. And then you sat here. I'm not wearing jeans. Oh, don't get me fucking started on this one. It is landed on eating establishments that don't carry Heinz ketchup.

I got a breakfast sandwich from one of these fancy breakfast sandwiches. It was a bacon, egg, and cheese on an everything bagel, toasted, scooped out. I'm from the East Coast. But they put arugula and this sriracha aioli. And then I asked if they had ketchup. And they're like, we don't have ketchup.

And I was so fucking mad. And I don't know if you all... There's another restaurant that will remain nameless. Name it. I won't. All right, it's Father's Office. And it's near Culver City. And I've gone there once.

They didn't have ketchup. And I've never gone back. If I go back, I'm sneaking my own ketchup in. I have a bottle of ketchup in my car right now. Because of that establishment i had to go to the nearest supermarket which was at gelson's and if you don't know gelson's is like the most expensive one so i overpaid for heinz ketchup and then i ate this sandwich in my car and i mean am i talking to a vacuum does anybody disagree with

me no i completely agree with you i agree with you completely i i don't know what i find more of a problematic and i'll use and i use that word in the way we use it now what what bothers me more a restaurant saying we don't have diet coke or restaurant says that we don't have diet coke but we do have a another brand of fancy diet soda that is not as good. Or when the restaurants don't have ketchup, but they do have some other kind. Like a homemade ketchup? And it's like, the thing about Diet Coke,

the thing about Heinz ketchup, if you would like to offer something that is not Heinz ketchup, it can't be better than Heinz ketchup because Heinz ketchup is the thing itself. But, but, but, but, but, are y'all into proprietary ketchups? What do you mean by that?

Like a ketchup? Whataburger, the fast food chain, makes their own ketchup. Oh. And it's good. Okay. Are you cool with that? Yeah, I guess I would be.

I haven't tried it, but I would be. It's the absence of. The absence of. It's the complete lack of humility. it's it's the the complete like lack of humility but also pure hubris and this is the most political i've ever been in my life okay and it is it is shock and then you know heinz put out this shirt let's just i'm sorry hey hey hey hey thank you for thank you for sharing what you felt comfortable sharing about this you know what also have you guys ever had like uh you go to McDonald's

and get french fries and then you come home and they didn't give you ketchup and then you have to get your cold ass ketchup out of the cold ass fridge like some sort of monster? No, but that's better than opening the little McDonald's ketchup packets that is so demoralizing. And it needs to come from the bag.

0.2 of an ounce of ketchup and I gotta rip some foil to get it and I gotta do it eight times so I'm not that much ketchup. Sometimes you get the packets and You gave me 0.2 of an ounce of ketchup and I got to rip some foil to get it. And I got to do it eight times. Sometimes you get the packets and they like stick together. And then the packets sometimes are old and it's like watery ketchup. I want to make one final point about this, which is there are two moments I've noticed in my life where I like, your phone is flooded with people getting arguments, Karen-ing at restaurants and all things. There's never the moment where I feel that inside of me more than when I get home from McDonald's

and I open my bag and I take out McNuggets and the sweet and sour sauce is not in the bag. I never more want to get back in my car and drive into the McDonald's because those nuggets without the sweet and sour sauce, that's not why I'm here. But do you check before you go? I should.

I should. But that feels disrespectful. It's like, hold on. Let me see that you did your job. That sucks. I was literally at Wendy's last night getting, I think the chicken nuggets at Wendy's are superior. Okay.

Well, that's the stupidest shit I've ever heard online. But I sat in front of her and I literally go, hey, I'm going to check the bag. I'm sure you know how to do your job. But I have to check and guess what? The nuggets were fucking missing. That's right.

I feel the same at Starbucks. Those lines to drive through in a Starbucks. Oh my God. Just get out of your fucking car. And then the worst are the ones

who have the preloaded order on their app and they just walk in. Well, that's me. Fuck you. Wait in line. I walk past all those fucking idiots like, bam. I'll tell you something line i'll tell you something uh order on my phone literally every morning i don't care it's what

i do and not only that i'll tell you something else all right as long as we're confessing our deepest secrets which is what we've been doing uh every single morning, I get a straw now. And I'll tell you why. I'll tell you why. I wait. I ask for the straw. You know why? I stop using the straw.

I go to the dentist. The dentist is like, what happened here? Because of staining from my morning Starbucks. I started using the straw again. I go to the dentist the other day. And doctor, she doesn't want to be on this pod. They're probably my relative. It's okay.

And Dr. Schneider said, have you been using straws again? And doctor, she doesn't want to be on this pod. They're probably my relative. It's okay. And Dr. Schneider said, have you been using straws again? No way. Yes. Real. Happened in my life. Wow. So those turtles can fucking eat shit.

Let's spin it again. Oh my God. And on other topics that'll make me very popular, my rave this week, that's right, it's Ezra Miller's performance in The Flash. Let me tell you something. Tell us. I'll tell you. Tell us.

Cannot wait. I'm excited about this because I like that. We're loving this. I like this performance. Here's the thing. I saw the whole run-up to The Flash and all the stories about Ezra Miller and the kind of just international episodes

that seem to be following this person around. Seems incredibly troubled. Dateline energy. Dateline energy. It seemed to get violent and scary, but it does seem like that there's some kind of a mental health crisis involved. And to be honest, it was like one of those stories, I was just like, you know what? I'm not entering it. I'm just not going to enter this story.

So all The Flash was to me was a movie with a controversy about Ezra Miller and Michael Keaton, maybe or maybe not getting to be Batman after they fucking chopped the head off a Batgirl and threw Batgirl into the fucking ocean, whatever they did with poor Batgirl. Here's what I want to say. It is so doubly sad that Ezra Miller has had this crisis surrounding the movie and that the movie is like fucking a crazy mess. Because you know who's amazing in that movie? Ezra Miller. They hold that fucking movie up on their shoulders. That movie was in development hell.

The script is cobbled together from dozens of drafts. It barely makes sense, but every time they're on screen and they are selling it, they are making it work. They are holding it up on their shoulders. Here's what I couldn't get past with that movie. The CGI was so cheesy. The graphics were

horrible. And they just stayed in the graphics world I mean I cried a little bit I didn't want to but I cried a little bit I cried like a fucking baby that movie worked on me

and not because the script was that good and not because anything else about it made sense and not because the graphics were good but because Ezra Miller was so fucking good I haven't seen it the flash about a guy who runs real fast or what how it made sense and not because the graphics were good but because Ezra Miller was so fucking good in that movie. Well, I haven't seen it. The flash about a guy who runs real fast or what?

It is. Okay, so there needs to be some sort of graphics or something, right? Yes. Yes. But can I just pipe in?

Which is, aren't they like holding people hostage? Basically. I'm not saying they're good off screen. Yeah. Maybe we cut this down.

What are your thoughts on Polanski? I'm kidding. No, no, no, no. He's problematic for sure and we went to watch the movie and we were like, I don't want to like this

but, you know, but there's also other movies where like there's people who've done very bad things. Name one. Well, did you say Michael Keaton's in it? Yeah. Remember how problematic he was as Beetlejuice?

You were saying, speaking of Beetlejuice. Let me grab your tits. That's his character. It was? Yeah. That wasn't him. I'm sorry. I thought that was a documentary. We all remember what Michael Keaton did in the documentary film Beetlejuice

all I was saying is that just to conclude it was one of those things where the movie was circled by these stories about the horrible conduct of Ezra Miller and the horrible process of making this cursed text of a film and it was doubly sad

because it's like inside of that movie there's this actor who's an incredible performer and it is just sad that like both like this it just seemed like a good example to me of like god like this person has such a troubled and and difficult life outside of this movie and has caused so much mayhem and also this giant fucking massive studio can't seem to figure out how to make a good superhero movie. And yet they had this talent. This person is incredibly talented. There's an incredible performance inside of here.

And it's just a shame. Can I give you a Beetlejuice review of The Flash? Beetlejuice, crap the movie. Flash, crap the movie. Didn't get flashed once. Hey! Beetlejuice, famous. Hey! I like it. Famous tit lover.

Yeah, he Beetlejuice. Can you do Beetlejuice getting mad at me for complaining about not having ketchup? Why don't you go and eat ketchup? Put the ketchup on your tits.

What's your tits? I don't remember. and eat ketchup? Put the ketchup on your tits. Where's your tits? Wow. I don't remember. Does anyone else want me to do any kinds of Beetlejuice? Can I say something about Beetlejuice? I don't remember Beetlejuice being that tit focused. It was very horny, though. You know what? Honestly, because you're not watching it with today's eyes.

That's exactly right. Beetlejuice was mad horny. I did go to the musical recently. Why? I never saw it. I just saw the movie, and I was a child, and I didn't even have tits yet but I was like, Beetlejuice is after my tits. And we've always said that and we're just going to have

to leave it there. When we come back, we'll end on a high note. And we're back! Because we all need it this week, here it is, the high note. Hi, love it. This is Helen and my high note is that I am turning 40 this weekend. I am not excited about turning 40, really, but I barely made it here. And so here's to the next 40 years of my life. And also, I'm refusing to celebrate it in the way that pleases other people rather than pleasing myself. I hate obligation. I hate bending. And so I'm going to do exactly what I want to do to celebrate myself, even if that means being alone. Thanks for being the awesome funny voice

in my ear every Friday or Saturday morning. And thanks for all that you and Crooked Media do. Hi, Lovett. Long time, first time. My name is Corbin, and I'm in Michigan. My high note is that after six years, last month I successfully defended my dissertation and got my PhD in community psychology. I got to spend the last two weeks with family and friends back in Utah to celebrate. Shout out to my friends in Heifel and Jessica, who also listen. We lost my brother David to suicide over 13 years ago, and this journey has helped me turn that loss into action. Now I'm lucky enough to work for a national mental health nonprofit, and I love what I do. Thanks to you and the Cricket team for all you do as well.

It's inspiring. Hi, Levitt. This is Kathy. I'm in Portland, Oregon, and I am calling in with my high note of just starting my grad program for the first year at Columbia University studying social work and I am very excited to be a Columbia graduate in 2025 to help spread some good cheer to different groups of people and hopefully making the world a little bit brighter at really hard times.

Anyways, bye. Hi, this is Ingrid. I'm a trans girl from Massachusetts, and I'm 13 years old. My high note is I am going to be seeing you in Chicago with my dad. And I'm so excited. This is my favorite show. Thank all you guys so much at Love It or Leave It and all the crooked shows. You make my day and a lot of people I know, you make their day too. Bye. Thanks to everybody who called in with a high note tonight. If you

want to leave us a message about something that gave you hope, call us at 323-538-2377. That is our show. Thank you so much to Morgan J., Lisa Gilroy, Sam Sanders, Danielle Schneider. There are 415 days until the 2024 elections. Have a great weekend and thanks for coming out. Love It or Leave It is a Crooked Media production. Kendra James is our executive producer. Brian Semel is our producer. And Malcolm Whitfield is our associate producer.

Hallie Kiefer is our head writer. Sarah Lazarus, Jocelyn Kaufman, Poulavi Gunalan, Peter Miller, and Alan Pierre are our writers. Lee Eisenberg produces the show. It's mixed and edited by Evan Sutton. Kyle Seglin and Charlotte Landis provide audio support. Our theme song is written and performed by Sure Sure. Thanks to our designers, Jesse McClain and Bernardo Serna, for creating and running all of our visuals, which you can't see because this is a podcast, and to our digital producers, Zuri Ervin, David Toles, Mia Kelman, and Matt DeGroote for filming and editing video each week so you can. You can find those glorious videos at youtube.com slash at love it or leave it podcast. Do us a favor and subscribe

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