Lovett or Leave It - Bern Notice

Episode Date: April 11, 2020

Guy Branum, Emily Heller, and Dr. Joseph Meltzer of UCLA join to cover Bernie's withdrawal as Biden becomes the presumptive nominee, Emily's gardening tips, GAY NEWS, Trump's untested health advice, and the fight going on inside of our hospitals against coronavirus. It's Back in the Closet week five, and boy is my ring light tired.

Hey everybody, welcome to the fifth episode of Love It or Leave It, Back in the closet again. He's back. He's back in the closet again. That new theme song was by Graham and Ro. We want to use a new one each week. If you want to make one, you can send it to hey at crooked.com and maybe we'll use yours. They have been so cool. And a reminder, if you're looking for a way to help those in need, Crooked's Coronavirus Relief Fund helps food banks, healthcare workers, restaurant workers, seniors, kids who depend on school lunches, and more. We've crossed $1.2 million in that fund. We're trying to get to $1.5 million. And you can donate at crooked.com slash coronavirus.

Later in the show, we'll be joined by Emily Heller, Dr. Joseph Meltzer from the UCLA Medical Center to talk about what it's like in hospitals right now. We'll play a game with listeners about ads in the age of coronavirus, and we'll hear your high notes. But first, Crooked Media went to work from home on March 13th, so we have reached the one-month anniversary of this. If grabbing a single slice of bread and putting peanut butter on it and folding it in half, not because you're hungry, but because you're bored, and then holding that half a sandwich in your mouth loosely while you grab a soda from the fridge, if that's a treatment for COVID-19, I am cured. Now, in moments like

this, we look to those who bring us comfort. You've already heard his laugh. If we have Guy Branum on this show, I'm very comfortable because I know it's going to be a great show. Hi, Guy. Hello. Good to be here. I'm going to ask you a question, Guy. Are you ready? Yes. How are you holding up? Oh, I'm doing okay. I'm swinging back and forth between a sense that Jewish paranoia has prepared me for this, and then crippling fear that I have a fever and I'm dying.

You know, that pendulum is really keeping me balanced. Well, that's good. I think a lot of us go to bed with coronavirus and then wake up cured. It seems to happen fairly often. But I have had one rock during this time, John, and I have to ask you, have you experienced the Bon Appetit Test Kitchen videos? I saw one, I think, with Michael Shannon. It might have been the Bon Appetit Test Kitchen. He had to make chicken facing away from the chef who was also making chicken. Yes, that's Carla's series.

No one likes Carla's series. It's fine. You have to watch Claire Saffitz attempt to make Pop-Tarts while having a gray streak in her hair and having sexual tension with a married man who runs the Test Kitchen. It's very good, and it's watching a very talented woman try something and come close to failing and not failing. And in this time, it's the competence porn that you need. It's like the West Wing, but in a test kitchen. Okay, okay, good rec, good rec.

So Guy, here's how this is going to work. I'm going to deliver the monologue to you. Yes. And after each joke, you're just going to tell us how you feel about it. All right. You're going to see how we're doing. Okay. That's wonderful. Let's get into it. What a week. On Wednesday, Senator Bernie Sanders officially withdrew from the presidential race, making Joe Biden the presumptive Democratic nominee for president and giving us something different to talk about. After he withdrew, Bernie did an

interview with Stephen Colbert in which there was a chess set in the background, which checks out because Bernie has been trying to get America to think a few moves ahead for a while. And America is like, no, thank you. What's that behind Joe Biden? Hungry, hungry hippos. We're in. Rook to be seven. Rook to be seven. Fuck you, nerd. Let's gobble up some marbles. Yahtzee, you communist. Joe Biden released a lengthy solicitous statement saying that Bernie, quote, doesn't get enough credit for being a voice that forces all of us to take a hard look in the mirror and ask if we've done enough. And while the answer to that question has never in American history been yes, it's sometimes nice just to ask, you know. Biden also made entreaties to Bernie supporters saying, I see you, I hear you.

And I understand the urgency of what it is we have to get done in this country. I hope you will join us. You are more than welcome. You're needed together. We will defeat Donald Trump. And when we do that, we'll not only do the hard work of rebuilding this nation, we'll transform it. Biden then delivered a stirring appeal rooted in America's proud tradition of protest and activism, a Lincoln-esque sermon on the urgency of progressive change in an

era of crisis. Unfortunately, Biden had accidentally muted himself on Zoom. And by the time he accidentally unmuted himself, it had been so long that no one had the heart to tell him to do it again. I really liked that joke. I thought that that did such a beautiful job of shaping out what we love and worry about when it comes to Uncle Joe. If you would somehow manage to mention that he comes from a state that is only populated by corporations and bankruptcy courts, that would have been the Joe Biden joke that I'm waiting for. Good to know. Good note.

Good note. For his part, Bernie said this. Today, I congratulate Joe Biden, a very decent man who I will work with to move our progressive ideas forward. Buckle up for this one, guy. OK, just OK. Just get comfortable. Just get comfortable. All right.

Oh, you want my endorsement, Joe? I'd love to give it to you. I want you to have it, frankly. It's doing nothing for me sitting in the case. But I've got a couple of things I need your help with, okay? First of all, my friends here, they've got a lot of debt. And I need you to take care of them. Can you do that for me, Joe?

Can you take care of my friends? I know you will. I know you're a smart, decent guy. You're not going to make trouble. We don't want to get into a situation where one of us does something the other's going to regret. Our two campaigns, we've had our differences, going back a long ways. But right now, with all that's going on in the world, Joe, who can remember? Some people do remember.

Some people have long memories. They tweet those memories. They tweet a lot. But what can you do? I can't control that. I wish I could. But I think we can help each other. I understand that it's your platform, but maybe we can think about it just between us, a little flight of fancy as being our platform. And hey, when you're thinking about who you're going to put in some key positions, do me this favor. Consider some of my

people because they've got this idea in their heads and it's silly. Believe me, Joe, that you'll say all the right things, but in the end will disappoint us. And you don't want us to be disappointed because then you'll be disappointed. And there's only one person we want to be disappointed. And that's Donald Trump. Now, Guy, I want you to remember that very concise joke and tell me if it's better than the alt we have. OK, you ready? Yes. Today, I congratulate Joe Biden, a very decent man, who I will work with to move our progressive ideas forward. A decent man?

Whoa, Bernie. Centrist much? Okay. No. I want the three minutes of monologue. Okay. Because that was really a forum for your acting chops. It was also like a Bernie Sanders we haven't seen before, which was getting some real Meyer Lansky, mid-20th century Jewish mobster kind of energy, which I think loses place in the popular consciousness for all of the godfather of it all.

I'm so grateful to you for pointing out that that was not an Italian, that that was a Brooklyn Jew. No, it was honestly better impression work than I expect from you. Oh my goodness. I have a low standard, so I appreciate that. It's no James Adomian, but it's better than anything SNL is doing. Who's James Adomian? Who's going to be James Adomian who's not James Adomian? I can't do James Adomian.

James Adomian has to do James Adomian. Exactly. But it was really fun. And like, the thing is, is like, what's so fascinating and galling about the Bernie and Joe of it all is like, they have such a clearly good working relationship. And, you know, it does give me hope that 2020 can involve some collaboration between the two of them.

And, well, at the same time, he's going to be nudging Joe the whole time. Meanwhile, in LA this week, Mayor Eric Garcetti told us that if there was ever a week to stay home, not get groceries, and just eat whatever we have in our house, it was this week. So to do my part, last night I enjoyed a fine last slice of cheese that's dry on the corners confit with a Coke Zero au jus over a bed of Triscuits with a side salad of frozen broccoli with a dressing of a soy sauce packet from the soy sauce packet and plastic forks from delivery drawer. Guy, do you have a drawer like that in your home? I don't. I try to throw those

things away as much as possible, which I realize is bad for the environment, but good for my home organization. But stop trying to deflect from your joke. Your joke did not address the dried bean plight of so many Americans are going through right now. So many people are struggling to figure out what to do with a bag of dried Great Northern beans that they hoarded on March 17th. And I feel like that joke could have done more to talk to their plight.

But I did really appreciate the word picture that you painted of that slice of cheese, because this week we are all that slice of cheese. We are all that slice of cheese. That's such a good point. We are all alone in a bag with slightly dried corners. I will say there was this moment when everybody was buying beans and I didn't understand it because it was like, you know that if you buy the beans, you have to eat the beans. You know, you can buy other things. There's plenty of food, kinds of food that you can buy that last a long time that aren't beans, you know?

I understand that. But also the parts of my genetics that have been honed over years to understand that periodically I need to flee countries or survive off, you know, outside of the boundaries of conventional things were like, hey, a source of protein that won't go bad for nine months, let's try this. Like seeing America try to deal with anything other than the grossest excess of plenty has been hilarious. Speaking of dry crackers, there was a Triscuit reference minutes ago. Yes. It's Passover. Happy Passover, guy.

Hog some Mayock, John. Hog some mayock to you. And we can tell that it's Passover because we are in our houses hiding from a plague. And because in a recent televised press conference, Trump said that Rudy Giuliani told him that smearing lamb's blood on your door will stop coronavirus. I mean, it's as proven as hydrochloroquine. I mean, it's as proven as hydrochloroquine. Speaking of which, Donald Trump was again giving Americans unsolicited medical advice on hydrochloroquine, despite the fact that evidence so far is inconclusive. But to be fair to Trump, these are scary times.

And when I'm scared, I also just toss a bunch of random pills in my mouth and see what happens. I like that. It embraces the danger of the time. I like to embody the kind of person who takes a bunch of pills. I've never been that kind of person, that kind of care to the wind person. I, being a Californian, immediately figured out what herbs the Chinese were using to address coronavirus. So I bought like honeysuckle and then I think I got some elderberries and then I ate the elderberries but have done nothing with the honeysuckle.

Ronan bought a bunch of elderberry gummies that are like vitamin gummies because he wanted to get an immune boost. Yeah. I don't know if they work. And I have to imagine like they're just gummies because he wanted to get an immune boost. Yeah. I don't know if they work. And I have to imagine like they're just gummies and are doing nothing except for empowering our minds to convince ourselves that we're not sick, which is very powerful until you actually get sick. Also this week, Guy, it was reported that the debate over the malaria drug in the White

House culminated with an argument where Peter Navarro, Trump's fringe trade advisor, screamed at Dr. Anthony Fauci in front of the whole task force. Guy, imagine the unearned confidence it takes to have an economics degree and argue with Dr. Anthony Fauci about epidemiology now. And can you, Guy,

can you begin to live with that kind of confidence? It is magical. I was so excited to hear about it and expected nothing less from an administration whose first answer to a global pandemic was lowering the prime rates. We know what will fix it. We know what will fix it. Monetary policy. After this, yeah, lower interest rates. After the story broke, reporters naturally wanted to ask Dr. Fau'll fix it. Monetary policy. After this, yeah, lower interest rates. After the story broke, reporters naturally wanted to ask Dr. Fauci about it.

So here is what happened when they tried. And would you also weigh in on this issue of hydroxychloroquine? What do you think about this? And what is the medical evidence? You know how many times you can answer that question? Maybe 15. 15 times. You don't have to ask the question.

He's your medical expert, correct? He's answered that question 15 times. Donald Trump wouldn't let the most trusted medical expert in to ask the question. He's your medical expert, correct? He's answered that question 15 times. Donald Trump wouldn't let the most trusted medical expert in America answer the question. That's like if after a beautiful Olympic figure skating routine, they asked Christy Yamaguchi about triple axles, and Trump is like, I'll take this one. It's like a reporter said, hi, I have a question for Andy Dufresne about what it's like to escape from Shawshank prison. And Trump's like, no, I'll take this one. You're not going to rule of threes this? You know what? It's a pandemic. No, guy, I want the notes. You're exactly right. There should have been a third. There should have been a third. You patiently, generously waited for a third joke. There is not. But Andy

Dufresne is such a good escalation. I was like, what wacky direction will they go in? So here's what I should have done. Here's what I should have done. Here's what I should have done. Before Andy Dufresne, it should have said, hi, I have a question for Elie Wiesel about what it's like to remain hopeful

in the face of untold human tragedy. And Trump's like, El Ellie, I got this one. Then you go to Andy Dufresne. Or maybe, what do you think? What's the order? You think it's Yamaguchi, Wiesel, Dufresne, or Yamaguchi, Dufresne, Wiesel? What do you think?

Okay, I think it's Yamaguchi, Dufresne, Wiesel, but the last one is Melania Seyrg. I've got this one. As Ellie Wiesel said but the last one is Melania saying, I've got this one. As Elie Wiesel said, be best. Of course, the New York Times did some digging and found that Trump had a financial interest in the company that makes hydroxychloroquine and it was also reported that a conservative

dark money group financed by the pharmaceutical industry and run by one of Trump's top donors had been aggressively lobbying for the drug. And as we've been learning more about the chaotic and corrupt reaction to the pandemic, Trump also abruptly fired the inspector general in charge of overseeing much of the coronavirus response. Honestly, guy, I am so disappointed profiteering and evading accountability so he can help himself and his corrupt pals during a tragedy without regard for the consequences? That's not the Donald Trump that I know.

John, that was just one of those tragic situations where I got actual news during the course of a joke and was so busy being horrified by it. What's the news? Oh, I mean, one, of course, should have assumed that Trump had interests in a company that produces hydrochloroquine. One had suspected it, and then to, like to get the actual information, it's like... Oh, you learned it from the setup. I see, I see, I see. I learned it from the setup and was too busy feeling chills at the possible death of our democracy to really sort of be 100% present for a punchline.

And I think that's something we're all going through these days. And I just assume whenever a joke that I tell doesn't work, it is because the audience is too preoccupied by the news of the setup. Yeah. That tends to be the reason. Like they're just overcome with civics, and that's why they're not laughing. This crowd is going to be overcome with a case of civics, and that's why they're not laughing. This crowd has been overcome with a case of civics. But Guy, I'm just getting something in my earpiece.

This just in. Ba-da-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba. Gay news. Gay news. Pete Buttigieg briefly grew a beard seeking out the otter lane, but then he shifted position, shaving his head and his beard, attempting to move to the center. Guy, I had a question for you. As I was thinking that through, so he has a beard and he has long hair. shaving his head and his beard, attempting to move to the center. Guy, I had a question for you.

As I was thinking that through, so he has a beard and he has long hair. He's attempting the otter lane. But when he shaves the beard and shaves the head, what is the gay lane he's now in? There's no lane for that. I mean, the thing is, is if you saw current Pete Buttigieg, I think you would just assume that he was into like light S&M stuff. I think you would just assume he's one of those guys who kind of has a military uniform at home and is at like the fault line on a Sunday afternoon. Well, that's the lane. That's the lane. I mean, I hope to see him there.

Gay news. The FDA announced that they would relax blood donation restrictions on men who have sex with men to mark this historic occasion. Gay men everywhere who are carefully socially distancing in every other respect guiltily use dating apps to hook up with just one person. All right, Guy, take us to the next one. Gay news. All right, Guy, take us to the next one. Buh-duh-buh-buh-buh-duh-buh-day news. Lesbian astronaut Annie McClain has faced accusations that she improperly accessed her ex-wife's bank account from the International Space Station,

officially making her the first person in world history, or shall I say herstory, to commit homosexual space hacking. But after a lengthy investigation, federal prosecutors said on Monday that her former spouse, Summer Warden, had lied to investigators and that Warden could be facing up to five years in prison. For those of you who are opposed to gay marriage, I want you to understand these are the juicy divorces that could have been happening for decades. Bop, bop, bop, b bada gay news. One of Ellen DeGeneres' jokes backfired this week after some people called her out for comparing self-quarantining in her mansion to being in jail. Cut Ellen some slack. She threw the first brick at Stonewall. Granted, it was at her assistant, but still. And that's gay news.

On a serious note, the Democratic primary is now over. We have a nominee. And while this was coming for some time, a lot of young progressives are feeling pretty heartbroken. And for many who believe Bernie was the best candidate to take on Trump are genuinely worried. Guy, how are you feeling at this moment at the kind of as the as the primary draws to a close? I understand that this was such a rich and diverse and broad like primary field and it is sort of crazy to end it with a dude who's been in democratic politics since 1971 but at the same time i think our current situation is such a strong reminder of why we cannot be frivolous

with this election that there are just basic norms of rule of law and government doing its job. And also, I think it is so exciting that Bernie and Elizabeth Warren have made everybody think more about what government can and should be doing to maintain a civil society at a time when we have needs and requirements that we didn't think about six months ago. And so I'm really excited that these people have primed the pump for us to get more on board with government doing more at a time when we really need it. Yeah, I agree with that.

So yeah, I mean, here's what I was thinking about. So there are these images out of India that because people are staying home, the air pollution has fallen so dramatically that for the first time in decades, in parts of India, you can see the Himalayas at a distance. So the U.S. passes a $2 trillion stimulus. We probably have to do more. It provides a massive boost to the social safety net. Republicans abandoned any concern for

deficits, any claim to ideological purity to help people in order to preserve their own power. And thank God they did. As I saw those images of India, I was just thinking that like we are seeing clearly now that we are seeing what has been broken. We are seeing what has been wrong for a long time. And that Trump did that just by dint of his winning, exposed that. The pandemic is doing that right now, but that Bernie Sanders did that too. That we talk about how a lot of political coverage treats politics like a game. There's the horse race and that it treats both sides as competitors and doesn't really regard the consequences, the actual impact that who wins and who loses has on people's

lives. But that what also happens is subtly the candidates become the protagonist in the story. And they're not the protagonist. We're the protagonist. And collectively, we shape the dynamics that determine not only who wins and who loses, but what's possible when the race is over. Biden will be the nominee. I believe he ran out of a sense of obligation and decency and love and fear for his country. He appealed to the broadest coalition of Democratic voters. He turned out a lot of voters,

but whether he wins and how he governs isn't up to him alone. It's up to us. Yeah. I think you can see that in Biden, that he understands and respects the forces that allowed him to win this primary and that he will continue respects the forces that allowed him to win this primary and that he

will continue to listen to those voices. And I think, I sincerely hope that this guy who spent 40 years in the Senate is going to be able to listen to the people who weren't part of his primary coalition and give us a better America. It's hard to have somebody who comes from the politics of the past step into this moment and fix us for the future. But I do trust he will listen to the people who should be guiding him towards a different understanding of American politics. I think Biden has been a consensus Democrat for a very long time. And he's paid a price even in this race for those consensus positions because they were too far to the rest. They were in many ways heinous in many respects for a long time. But his platform now will be more progressive than Barack Obama's,

more progressive than Hillary Clinton's. If you believe that to win and to govern, he has to do more. People should fight for it. They should fight to make sure it's those policies that win in November, and then they should keep fighting. And so my, I will beseech, I will beg listeners, strangers, I will do it personally if necessary, that the country depends on being Biden's greatest ally until November and then his biggest headache every day after. Well, I also think that what's going on right now

for a lot of those Midwestern states and Southern states that have been responsibly Republican for the last 50 years, this is reminding them of why they need government. This is reminding them of why they were bastions of socialism in the 30s and 40s. And I think you're going to see different kinds of senators coming out of Missouri and North Dakota. of senators coming out of Missouri and North Dakota. I certainly hope so, especially as we're seeing the ways that some states are handling the current crisis very poorly and are not taking care of their citizens and are really going to suffer for it. Yeah. And I do think you're right. There are many ways in which this pandemic can hasten a transformation of our politics that in many ways has been coming for a

long time, that Bernie has been arguing for a long time, that's been, I think, laid bare by some of the striations, the inequalities, the uncertainties, the dislocation in the economy. But the only way that process can actually result in a genuinely more progressive and equal and fair society is if we all help Biden win, even if Biden wasn't our choice. I mean, nothing is scarier than the decisions that have been coming out 5-4 of the Supreme Court over the last couple of weeks. And, you know, I think we really need to understand that that's going to get worse. And if we have like a 6-3 or 7-2 Supreme Court in four years, electing a socialist is only going to be able to get so much done because there's going to

be a Supreme Court there that's ready to tear that shit apart. And right now, Breyer and Ginsburg are tired. And, you know, we need people, new voices, new blood speaking up for progressive principles in the Supreme Court or else it's going to be bad for a while. The breath of change that was coming from Bernie Sanders is, as he has so frequently said, not just about one man.

And the change that it's going to take to push Biden to the left and to push American politics to the left is already happening with people getting excited at the grassroots, running for local office, running for state office, getting into the House and into the Senate. The people who have gotten excited

and are running is going to change things. And we are indebted to him for what that's going to do for American politics. Yeah. And if you're not there yet, I understand that, but I just hope you'll get there. And if you want my help to get there, tweet at me because I'm ready to fight

because I made a decision, and I said this months ago, when it looked like Bernie Sanders or someone else might be the nominee, that I thought we all had to be prepared to fight for whoever the nominee is as if they were the candidate we supported. And I meant that then, and I mean that now.

Guy, as always, you're a delight. Thank you for joining us. Before we go, since this primary began in 1998, we've been doing a segment celebrating each Democratic candidate that we've lost along the way. And there were a lot. and to say our thanks to all the torch. Mike Gravel. It's time to make some waves for change. John Hickenlooper. But how come we're not asking more often the women,

would you be willing to put a man on the ticket? Jay Inslee. I am a politician of conviction, and I think Harry Potter should be eliminated. Kirsten Gillibrand. The first thing that I'm going to do when I'm president is I'm going to Clorox the Oval Office. Seth Moulton. I'm in this to win. That's why I'm here.

Bill de Blasio. How do you feel about Ska? I love Ska. Tim Ryan. I'm a Dave Matthews guy. Okay, yeah, of course you are. Beto O'Rourke. Joe Sestak.

Unfortunately, we cannot find any footage of Joe Sestak. Stephen Bullock. I'm the only one that actually won in a Trump state. The only one in the field of 37 that actually won a Trump state. I'm literally the only field in the state that won in a state where Donald Trump won. Kamala Harris. You know, he reminds me of that guy in The Wizard of Oz. You know, when you pull back the curtain, it's a really small dude. Julian Castro.

20 seconds after I start speaking to try and explain to him what I'm about, the lights go off in the whole building. I'm like, I hope this is not a metaphor for the rest of my campaign, that it's never going to get started. The lights go out. Marianne Williamson. Her goal is to make New Zealand the place where it's the best place in the world for a child to grow up. And I will tell her girlfriend you were so on. Cory Booker. Why did Tigger and Eeyore have their heads in the toilet? They were looking for poo. I love that one.

Andrew Yang. I'm going to be the first president to use PowerPoint in the State of the Union. How do you feel about that? PowerPoint! PowerPoint! PowerPoint! PowerPoint! Michael Bennett. Tell us about the last time you were embarrassed. I'm sure it related to my children mocking me, which is the cause of most of my embarrassment.

Duvall Patrick. Hi, everyone. Tom Stein. I don't want to get in the middle, but I just cause of most of my embarrassment. Duvall. Patrick. Hi, everyone. Tom Stein. I don't want to get in the middle, but I just want to say hi, Bernie. Yeah, good. It's a treat. Okay.

Pete Buttigieg. Amy Klobuchar. Hey, Donald Trump, the science is on my side, and I'd like to see how your hair would fare in a blizzard. I'd like to see how your hair would fare in a blizzard. And I'd like to see how your hair would fare in a blizzard. And I'd like to see how your hair would fare in a blizzard. Michael Bloomberg.

I'm surprised they show up because I would have thought after I did such a good job in beating them last week that they'd be a little bit afraid to do that. Elizabeth Warren. How many mamas and daddies today are getting knocked off the track

and never get back on? Those babies get top-notch care. It means their mamas can finish their education. It means their mamas can finish their education. It means their mamas and their daddies can take on real jobs. That's an investment in our babies. That's an investment in their mamas and their daddies. Tulsi Gabbard. Aloha.

Bernie Sanders. Take a look around and find someone you don't know. Maybe somebody doesn't look kind of like you. Are you willing to fight for that person who you don't even know as much as you're willing to fight for yourself? Look, I don't tolerate bullshit terribly well. I've been amazed at how many people respond to, happy birthday.

When we come back, we'll play a game. Hey, don't go anywhere. There's more of Love It or Leave It coming up. And we're back. Americans everywhere are at work. Bars and restaurants are closed. Factory workers are furloughed. Hot air balloon rides are way down We'll be right back. your products and services in the midst of a pandemic and economic crisis. But you know what that means. It means your friends at the largest banks, insurance companies, agribusinesses, superstores, and beer conglomerates want you to know one thing. We're all in this together. In fact, these new coronavirus-proof commercials are all so uplifting and vague,

we don't think you'll be able to tell by these ads which company is looking to build the brand without being destroyed on Twitter in a game we're calling, maybe she's born with it, maybe it's coronavirus. Joining us today is Nora. Are you there, Nora? I'm here. How are you doing? Doing good. Just been in my house for six weeks. All right. All right. Any lessons from being in your house for six weeks? Don't start baking bread too early. In a day in your life? I've made bagels and English muffins and pita, and I've put on a bunch of weight, and it's a problem. So it's a carb thing. It's a carb thing.

Yeah. So, Nora, here's how it's going to work. I'm going to play a short clip from a commercial, and you're going to have to guess which company made the ad. Okay. Are you ready? I hope so. All right.

First question. Is this a commercial for Target, Bass Pro Shops, or Panera Bread? In a time when so much has changed, it matters even more. What doesn't change? Our hearts are open. Our teams are here doing everything we can to help all families today, tomorrow, always. That was so vague. What do you think? I'm going to say Panera Bread feels like they lead with the heart. I'm sorry.

It's Target. Next question, Nora. Is this a commercial for Jiffy Lube, GoDaddy.com, or the Church of Scientology? Open. That's how we show who we are. And there's another way to be open to pull together or push depending on the door. And we are making it work and we will continue to make it work. Such a scary voice. Church of Scientology.

It was go daddy. I thought it was Scientology too. So I thought that was a very reasonable guess, Nora. Next question. Is this a commercial for the city of Las Vegas, Hayden Planetarium, or Supercuts? We know it's tough to travel right now or to even be around others. We just want you to know that when you're ready, we'll be ready and better than ever. Because there is no bigger star in this town than you. Okay, that has to be Hayden Planetarium.

It's Las Vegas. I think it's funny that you thought it has to be because you heard the star thing, but it was Vegas. Next question, Nora. Is this a commercial for Guinness Beer, the touring production of Riverdance, or March Pack, the lobbying group for a parade

float maker's union. While we know this year things feel different, we've learned over time that we're pretty tough when we stick together. So what do you really need for some Simpati's Day cheer? A pint? Sure, we'll take one. Some corned beef? Yeah, if you're offering. A big parade? Some corned beef? Yeah, if you're offering. A big parade? Don't worry, we'll march again. Okay, I'm really doubting all of my instincts right now,

but I want to say Guinness. You got it. It's Guinness. It's Guinness. Finally. Oh, my God. Okay. Next question. Is this a commercial for the app Cameo, Amazon Alexa,

or for the streaming service Quibi? Mia, I know this isolation is hard for you. Yeah. Human connections, real interactions are vital to us all. But this too shall pass. I'm here to help you get through it. Oh my God. What do you think? Alexa? You got it. Oh my God. Now let me ask you something, Nora. Let me ask you get through it. Oh my God. What do you think? Alexa?

You got it. Oh my God. Now let me ask you something, Nora. Let me ask you something, Nora. Do you know what Quibi is? I know that it has a very seamless portrait to landscape transition and I think it's a video player. So it's a video player.

Tell me everything right now that you know about Quibi. Keep in mind, this is something that has been spent a tremendous amount advertising all over the country. A massive budget has spent to tell you what Quibi is. Quibi launched this week. What is Quibi? Is this an ad for Quibi?

This is an ad for Quibi. Right now, you're inside of an ad for Quibi. No, I want to know. Tell me everything you can about Quibi. Is that what's happening right now? This is an ad for Quibi. Right now, you're inside of an ad for Quibi. No, I want to know, tell me everything you can about Quibi. Yeah. I know that Chrissy Teigen has a show on it. I don't really understand if there are shows on it or like videos or like 30 second clips that it has the good seamless interface. And I think that's literally everything I know. Okay. Well, that wasn't an answer. It wasn't a question. And I think that's literally everything I know. Okay. Well, that wasn't an answer. It wasn't a question. And, uh, nevertheless, you got it right. And Nora, you won the game. Oh my God. Amazing. Uh, thank you for listening. Where are you in the country right now? I'm in San Mateo,

California. You're, uh, but you're hanging in up. You're hanging in, you're hanging in, in there, up there, whatever you get it. You're okay. Yeah. Yes. Nora, thank you so much for being on the show. Thank you for having me. Thanks for playing. You've won the game. Stay safe out there. Good luck with working from home and have a good night.

You too. Bye. When we come back, a gardening segment with Emily Heller. Don't go anywhere. This is Love It or Leave It, and there's more on the way. And we're back. This has been a deeply strange month, and many of us are stuck in apartments that are pretty small. And because of that, not everyone

has time to unwind in a nice outdoor space, or even better, a garden. So we wanted to change that tonight. Emily Heller, returning champion, has been gardening nonstop for months now and has been asking to talk to me about it on air for just as long. So tonight we wanted to check in on her garden, which now is your garden. In fact, it's America's garden.

Emily, how is everything going in America's garden? What are the updates this week? Well, well, well, well, well, I'm just saying, I've been asking to do this segment for a long time and I'm just saying, look who's suddenly interested. Look who's suddenly interested in hearing about my garden. We're here now. We're here now. I'm just saying, I seem to recall a certain podcast host telling me that he thought a garden segment wasn't quote quote, right for the podcasting medium, end quote, because it's, quote, kind of boring without the pictures, end quote. Oh, but now all of a sudden the New York Times is reporting on how seed catalogs can't keep up with demand because everyone wants to garden now.

And all of a sudden you're realizing that I'm actually a very relevant person. I want you to know that I find it absolutely despicable that you're going to suggest to me that the reason I suddenly grew interested in this segment is that I'm jumping on the seed craze bandwagon. I'm just saying, now that it's actually critically dangerous to go into a grocery store all of a sudden you're interested in what I have to say about this this is just exactly like that time that I got a burger phone at Goodwill right before the movie Juno

came out and then everybody thought you got a burger phone because of Juno but you're like no I had a burger phone and then Juno happened everyone's like oh Emily you have a garden is that because you're not allowed to go to the grocery store anymore burger phone and then Juno happened. Yeah. Everyone's like, oh, Emily, you have a garden. Is that because you're not allowed to go to the grocery store anymore? And for me, it's like, no, I've been paranoid and anxious about our food infrastructure crumbling before I knew what was going to make that happen. When I was about 12 or 13, I got a pair of drawstring pants

from a store called Structure. And I was afraid to wear them because I thought other kids would make fun of me for having drawstring pants. And then all of a sudden, the other kids started wearing the drawstring pants. So I started wearing the drawstring pants and everyone was like, you just bought those drawstring pants because all the other kids bought drawstring pants. And I was like, no, I actually thought these were cool first, but I was just afraid. And then you waited until they were flooding to put them on. Yeah. That's exactly what happened. So we're in a classic drawstring pants afraid. And now, and then you waited until they were flooding to put them on. Yeah. Yeah. That's exactly what happened. So we're in a, we're in a classic drawstring pants scenario. And now, I mean, look at where we are now. Like no one should be wearing pants that are held up by anything but drawstrings. Uh, you're not leaving your house. If you've got a button fly

on, what are you, what is this? The Met Gala? You know? Anyway, point is, uh, you're welcome. I agreed to do the segment finally. I trust that you got my writer. You have the theme song ready. Yeah, let's just say yes to that. We will definitely add that in post. I will tell you, Emily. Wait, you got the lyrics, though, that I sent, right?

Okay, just in case, I'll just do like a quick temp track, and then you can have someone else record it. I guess. It's Emily's garden show for the garden things. Okay, just in case, I'll just do like a quick temp track and then you can have someone else record it. Yes. It's Emily's Garden Show. For the garden things you need to know. If you want to talk soil, she's your goyle. It's Emily's Garden Show. From lettuce to tomato, dirt and sun and the water flow.

She's here to help your plants get real big. It's Emily's Garden Show. How much time do I- So I got to assume that's the last of the- Yeah. How much time do I have left in the segment, by the way? Because we haven't even really started yet. Well, that's my whole point. That's my whole point, which is that you've been demanding to come on to talk about gardening. So far, you've only really wanted to talk about how you wanted to talk about gardening. Can you just tell us a little bit about this garden that is so important to people to hear about? Let me just say, first of all, this is a very exciting week to be doing this segment. Back in January, I was checking

on my compost tumbler. I might have told you that I switched to pelletized pine in the compost tumbler for my browns because I realized that the leaves from the tree in our front yard weren't really breaking down. They were a little bit too big and waxy. Pelletized pine, it breaks down. It's just like it's already basically it's cat litter. Okay, point is. What are you growing? What are you growing?

Okay, point is I was checking on it. I thought it was almost done. And I found in there a chunk of potato that had sprouted. And because apparently it grew fine in the compost tumbler. So I planted that in a grow bag. That was back in January. Okay. Fast forward two months.

Please fast forward two months. I'm in my garden. You know, I had been ignoring the potato in the grow bag because there's a lot of other stuff going on. I've been focusing on getting the weeds out of my daimondia patch. Do you know what daimondia is? No. Point is, on a whim, I was like, I'm going to reach into my potato grow bag,

see if there's anything going on in there. Most things in the garden, you know what's happening. You're like, I see that tomato. It's green right now. Eventually, it's going to be red again, right? Sure. Potatoes, that's not how they work. All the action's underground. There's leaves above ground, but that's not really telling you that much of a story. On a whim, I reached into the potato grow bag.

Uh-huh. There was a potato in there. Okay, it's more exciting if you see the picture of the potato. I will grant you— Well, that's my whole thing. That is what I've been trying to tell you from the beginning. You are doing a gardening segment in which there is nothing to look at. We don't know what you're talking about.

You know what a potato looks like, though, so just picture that, but then one that's quite a bit smaller than the one that you get from the store. That's what I pulled out of my potato grow bag. And I made the smallest serving of fries you've ever seen with it. What else is going on?

Meanwhile... What else is going on? My spring veggies, I put them all in a few weeks ago. They're kind of just getting going. My pea plants, a few of them got waterlogged by the rain, which you wouldn't expect to happen in Los Angeles. But guess what? It does. So I have one surviving pea plant. I'm eating one sweet pea pot off of it every couple weeks.

I've got three more growing in my greenhouse. Do you think I'm going to plant them this week? Hell no, I'm not, because it's still raining. My rain barrels are happy about it. My pea plants are not. That's how it basically always goes. It's the story of your life. If you want to talk about exciting, which I know you do, let's talk about

watching a pea tendril climb up a trellis. I don't want to talk about a pea tendril climbing up a trellis. It happens so fast within mere hours, which, okay, granted, if want to talk about a pea tendril climbing up a trellis. It happens so fast within mere hours, which, okay, granted, if you're talking about a Netflix documentary about a big cat owner, that's too much time for it to take for it to

get exciting. But when you're talking about a pea tendril wrapping around a trellis, I think that's pretty exciting. I don't know what to do. I just really want to get to... I mean... Okay, well, did we already talk about the – Is there anything fascinating about this? Anything people might be interested in learning about this garden?

So far, you've just been describing various vegetables. I mean I also sang a theme song. Yeah, you did. Okay. How about this? And your rhymes, soil and goyle. How about this? Okay.

Which we all remember. Would you like a product recommendation? Not especially, but I guess that's's what else are we going to do? Okay. I want to recommend a product. It's the Fiskars Standing Weeder. I think I got the three-blade version. I used it to clear the weeds from my Damondia patch, but I also used it.

What is a Damondia patch? What is a Damondia patch? Damondia, it's kind of hard to describe. I would definitely recommend Google Image searching it. But it's basically kind of like a grass. Again, story of this podcast.'s basically kind of like a grass. It's kind of like a drought-tolerant grass. Here's the thing. We planted our daimondia patch

because we were thinking we want a grassy area for our dog since we were getting rid of the lawn. Did I already talk about the turf replacement rebate that I got from the county of Los Angeles for getting rid of my grass? I've got to say, we're rapidly running out of time. There's got to be.

How much time do we have left? 30 seconds? Okay. About 30. Yeah, sure. 30 seconds. Fisker standing weeder. I basically was able to both clear weeds from my Damondia patch and also harvest the Damondia

to save it and replant it after I solarize the soil, which is a process that you use to get rid of any unwanted vegetation in an area. So basically it's like clear plastic sheeting. You put it over the area and then in four to six weeks, the sun kills all the weeds underneath it. I don't know if it's going to work right now. It kind of looks like a pond. So kind of suspenseful there. That's a cliffhanger for the next time we do this.

Oh, oh, the big thing is this morning I got a Rolodex and I used it to alphabetize my seeds. I'm sorry. Just a part of me died. What is the point? Emily, you got to give us some final thoughts. I got to get out of this thing. Okay. Everyone wants to grow plants right now.

No, they don't. That's not true. I think a lot of people do. And what I want to say is you don't have to be particularly good at it. Just watch a lot of YouTube videos about it. I think what I'm trying to say is the point of this segment is go watch YouTube videos about gardening. If you want real information and not to get totally stonewalled by the unreceptive host of a podcast who begged me. Stonewalled.

Literally begged me to come on. Stonewalled. Stonewalled. I begged me to come on. Stonewalled. Stonewalled. I gave you this. This is a platform. I have lent my platform to you. Yeah. Yeah. And what do I get in return? Just time to talk about the thing I'm passionate about? What value is that to me right now? I don't know. I'll admit it would have been a more dynamic segment if it wasn't raining and I could go outside. I'll grant you that. Look, here's what I think. I think America's Garden is going to go

onto a very tall pile of love it or leave it segments we call the maybe pile. I never agreed to that name. I'm calling it Emily's Garden Show. Oh, Emily's Garden Show, because this is now your show. You've now taken over. It's my show within your show. It's a show within a show, like MathNet.

Or Tool Time. Or Tool Time. This is Tool Time. Finally, a kitchen for men. The man's kitchen. Oh, wait. Can you put that in my theme song? Me going.

Yeah, we got to. Hey, more power. We got to make sure. Can't forget to remix the Emily's Garden theme song to include the Tim Allen grunt. Trademark Emily Heller. Trademark Emily Heller. Emily, any final thoughts for the home gardener the green thumb

out there looking for a little boost wow this time really flew by I will say I will say people are genuinely more interested in gardening right now I've gotten a lot of people hitting me up not just you plenty of other people who are interested in gardening now because it's nice to be able to like have access to your own food.

And it's a scary time and being able to control one small piece of land and to just take all of your anxiety out into the dirt and just sort of work your fingers bloody to the bone to just sort of get that energy out. It's like kind of a nice relaxing thing. What a pitch. Point is, be patient with your local nurseries. They've got a lot of stuff to do right now, but get into it. It doesn't matter how little space you have. As long as you've got a little bit of sunlight,

you can get a container out there. You can grow yourself something. I think do it. Wow. There's a beautiful message in that. It doesn't matter how small your container is. It can find some sunlight. I feel like we can edit that down into something beautiful.

I hope so. I hope so. Emily Heller, this has been the first of many installments. Well, we've had a lot of fun on Emily's Garden Show. The outro song is three times longer than the intro song. Let's hear it. I'm excited. Well, we've had a lot of fun learning how to make our plants get big. It's Emily's Garden Show.

I didn't write this song in advance. But I know that if you want to garden, you're going to have to start with plants. Oh, we want you to get some dirt. And then you can just sort of like fade it out and it'll be implied that I sang for a lot longer. Great. Emily, thank you. Thank you, guys. We come back and interview with Dr. Joseph Meltzer.

Hey, don't go anywhere. There's more of Love It or Leave It coming up. Hi, everyone. I'm Alex Wagner, journalist and co-host of Showtime's The Circus, and now host of the new Crooked Media podcast, Six Feet Apart. Each episode of Six Feet Apart will offer a window into the hidden worlds of this pandemic, the chaos and fear, the resilience and innovation, all of which have been necessary

parts of survival in this extraordinary moment. New episodes of Six Feet Apart drop every Thursday. Subscribe on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Stitcher, or wherever you like to listen to podcasts. He's an anesthesiologist in the intensive care unit at UCLA, Dr. Joseph Meltzer. Welcome. Thank you very much. Nice to be here. So when we first met, you tried to convince me to stop riding electric scooters. Do you remember when that was a problem? It doesn't seem like that much of a problem anymore. But at that time, the proliferation of electric scooters seemed semi-viral, I might say.

Nothing compared to the viral outbreak we're seeing now. And right now, you're speaking to us from a guest room so that you could stay away from your family. How has treating patients with COVID affected your day-to-day life? treating patients with COVID affected your day-to-day life? I've been sleeping and spending the majority of my time at home in my back house. However, we've been having meals when not raining together in the backyard. I've been wearing a mask in the house to help prevent droplet spread as well as large particle contamination. And I would say my wife has been sort of wiping down high touch surfaces when I'm not there somewhat. It is trying and it's a real change in quality of life. Although I've been talking to many friends in New York

who live in smaller, closer quarters who are not able to do that. And what they've been doing is changing their clothes at work, coming home, immediately taking a shower, and then changing their clothes again. Can you talk a little bit about the lengths UCLA has gone to prepare? You know, right now, Los Angeles hasn't seen the same surge that we've seen in places like New York. What does it take to get a hospital ready for the potential rise in patients that you still expect? The efforts are almost unfathomable

to try to properly prepare a massive institution or healthcare system for something like this. We would never be able to do what we've done without looking at the Chinese experience, the Italian experience, the French experience, the Spanish experience, and I would say most importantly, New York City. The governmental oversight in California has been outstanding. If we are to escape a surge, which we may or may not, it will lie mostly on the backs of Gavin Newsom and Mayor Garcetti, at least in Los Angeles, to enforce social distancing measures. These are things that have worked since the bubonic plague. They seem to be put into place relatively early in California, relatively early in Los Angeles. And those measures seem to be, at least at this point, working well.

One other thing that's that there's been a bunch of reports about this. So there's a lot of discussion as to the availability of testing, but there's also been some experts questioning the accuracy of the test. Do you trust the test? Are you seeing any negative results that just don't make sense to you? I think we must trust the accuracy of the test, I think we undermine our ability to do our jobs. It is possible that all tests are not created equal. It sounds like we've scrutinized the test quite well at UCLA, and the microbiology lab has been able to reassure us greatly of its sensitivity and specificity. That being said, you read about certain tests on the internet, a point of care test that can be done in five minutes or 10 minutes. I cannot lend any reassurances to those tests.

to those tests. We have two tests that we're essentially doing, one in the nasopharynx, which is in the nose and mouth early on when they're first showing symptoms. And the second test is done from the lower airways. It's thought that the virus in its early course contains itself quite a bit to the nose and the mouth. And then from some point further, once patients are having significant respiratory symptoms, is down in the lungs and it's recovered from there. We do think that the test taken from the nose and the mouth is somewhat operator dependent. And so the sample needs to be good so that if there's no virus in the sample, it's quite hard for the test then to detect the virus. So that test needs to be done well. How else have procedures, protocols changed, whether it's sharing ventilators, experimental treatments, like what, what are you willing to do to kind of bend the classic rules given the crisis in front

of us? For someone to be bending the classic rules, I think they would have to be facing surge conditions. So colleagues from New York, colleagues from Italy are certainly not practicing business as usual. It would be disingenuous for me to say that we are practicing anything other than our usual business at this point in Southern California, at least where I'm working. But we are putting protocols into place, practicing simulations that are very much not business as usual. And those protocols and guidelines relate to ethics in terms of the triage of critical care services to patients, doing simulations in terms of a code blue slash cardiac arrest scenario, how we gown and glove and protect ourselves during what we think are these aerosolizing procedures like intubation and CPR. CPR. In talking to colleagues and friends in New York and Italy and China, very much so there,

they are practicing things that might almost be unfathomable, sending patients out of an emergency room who have a low oxygen level with a pulse oximeter to check their own oxygen levels, having patients that would be normally critically cared for in an ICU environment on the floor of the hospital, converting operating rooms that would normally be used for surgery for intensive care, where the operating room has been converted to an ICU room that might hold one, two, or three patients, where the operating room has been converted to an ICU room that might hold one, two, or three patients, where the airflow within the room has been converted from something that we might call a positive pressure room, where air is flowing into a negative pressure room where air is flowing out by cutting holes in the wall and putting air filters and fans to reverse the airflow in the

rooms. These are conditions that six months ago, one might say would be unfathomable in this country with the way that we dispense healthcare. When I told people I was going to be talking to you, everyone has a set of questions that they're asking, I think over and over again. I think you must be getting these all the time. Here are the rapid fire questions. Are you ordering takeout right now? If I get takeout, I don't worry about it too much. If my wife gets takeout, she will wash it off. Is Advil bad? We're avoiding Advil at this point, moving more towards Tylenol, although I wouldn't want to disparage Advil. If you're sick and you're not sure what it is and you think it might be COVID-19,

when is the right time to seek medical attention? Take your temperature, even though that may not be the most specific or sensitive indicator of having COVID. Quarantine yourself as long as safe, and then do not seek medical attention until you're feeling some level of shortness of breath. If you have had sick contacts or high risk contacts, getting testing makes a lot of sense epidemiologically. Not with respect to COVID-19, but more broadly, you're in the middle of this sudden campaign calling upon so many different facets of your training, so many different aspects of our collective capacity to protect people, to save lives. What have you learned about practicing medicine or about the medical system more generally that you didn't know before? In this country, healthcare and medical systems still remain quite siloed. And I've been greatly uplifted by the camaraderie and the ability of people who had been working within different silos, but within very, very related healthcare avenues working together and coming

together, the camaraderie has been pretty uplifting. I would say I learned that. I've also learned that some people respond to crises quite differently and that we need to remember not to panic. And I've also learned that the ability of our healthcare system to flex itself up to a different level is quite fascinating and amazing. Hearing what is possible within the state of California, New York, Illinois, Georgia, and some of these healthcare systems is quite amazing that there is such great capacity and ability for these disparate healthcare systems to work together. One last question. What are you looking for to tell you that you think Los Angeles, the city you're treating, is out of the woods? What's the sign to you that says,

all right, I can see the end of this thing. It's going to be time soon to kind of go back to life. A lot of us are looking at different mathematical models that seem to show what the spread of this disease is doing. And in watching it over the last weeks to days, we have seen that the curve within what we project in California, at least, has been greatly, greatly pushed down and that the surge in places like Louisiana and New York seems to be passing. That being said, I think what we need is some transparency from our governments to tell us what models they're looking at to let us know that these quote-unquote numbers translate into Clearly, what we have is a pauc like the leadership in California, if anything, has been what's responsible for the reduction of viral transmission here. And so what I'd like to see is those epidemiologists and healthcare leaders signaling to us what modeling they're using to let us know when we can, quote unquote, begin to return to business as usual.

Dr. Joseph Meltzer, thank you so much for what you're doing every day. Thanks for giving us the time. Happy Passover to you and the family. You too. And stay safe. Thank you. Thank you. Don't go anywhere. This is Love It or Leave It, and there's more on the way. And we're back. This week was, as they say in France, le rough. God damn it, Travis.

But while in quarantine, we've been asking you all to send us some voicemails about things you're seeing that have made you feel hope. And here they are in this week's High Note. Hey, love it. It's Christy. I'm calling from San Francisco. And the thing that gave me hope this week is my best friend who is a fashion designer. She lives in Brooklyn. She was sewing a bunch of masks for my sister who is a physician in Ohio.

And she just got them sent in the mail. And I just love to see the people that I love helping each other out and helping everyone else out and I hope we can do more of that. Thanks a lot. Bye-bye. Oh, hi. My name's Jill. I'm calling from Victoria, BC, Canada

and I have a small peanut butter company up here and we sort of shifted to being a nonprofit. So we've sent out over $45,000 worth of product to food banks and vulnerable communities, and we started a safety sandwich program where we're making and delivering 300 PB&Js. Anyway, we're doing great up here in Canada. Thanks, guys.

Hi, everybody. The thing that has made me hopeful is that I'm in high school, and I organized a bunch of things for people to donate food and snacks and art supplies for kids experiencing homelessness, which has made me really happy. So thanks for doing this. Bye. I love it. This is Hannah calling from Rockville, Maryland. And my high note for the week was getting to do a virtual Seder with some family friends and still getting the chance to talk and laugh like we would in normal times, even though we're all social distancing inside our own home.

If you want to leave us a message about something that gave you hope, you can call us at 424-341-4193. And thank you all so much for sharing those messages. Thank you for joining us. It is 206 days until the general election. Sign up for Vote Save America right now. Thank you to Guy Branum, Emily Heller, Dr. Joseph Meltzer, and everyone who called in. Thank you to our grocery workers, truck drivers, and delivery people. Thank you to our doctors and nurses. And thank you to our whole staff at Crooked Media working to keep this showing and all of our shows going out. And have a great night. assistant producer, and August Dichter is our intern. Our theme song is written and performed by Sure Sure. Thanks to our designers, Jesse McLean and Jamie Skeel, for creating and running all of our visuals, which you can't see because this is a podcast, and to our digital producers,

Nar Melkonian and Yale Freed, for filming and editing video each week so you can.