Lovett or Leave It - Catch Me If Ukraine

Episode Date: October 12, 2019

Rudy's pals are arrested at the airport. Ellen's pal is a very bad president. And Lovett's pals Shea Serrano and Emily Heller are here to break down the week's news. Plus Beto O'Rourke becomes the seventh presidential candidate to face the Queen for a Day gauntlet, and he says "fuck it" a couple times! What a week. What an episode.

Los Angeles. Los Angeles. Great to be back at the improv. How is everybody doing? So many crimes. It is hard to keep track these days. That's this frenetic pace we all live in. It's hard to keep up.

You know, everybody's texting. There is a brand new episode of America Dissected with Abdul Al-Sayed out this week about why prescription drug costs are way too high. It's another fantastic episode. Takes all these important issues, breaks them down in a fascinating, entertaining way. So check it out.

Subscribe now and listen wherever you get your podcasts. America Dissected. Get dissecting. I don't know and next Thursday love it or leave it on the 17th we'll be back at the comedy store in LA with guests Moshe Kosher and Michaela Watkins both of whom I saw at Temple

crooked.com slash events just occurred to me alright let's get into it what a week just occurred to me. All right. Let's get into it. What a week. Ellen DeGeneres is in hot water for sitting next to

infamous portrait artist George W. Bush at a Cowboys game. Ellen defended watching the game with him saying the two are friends. Everyone is giving Ellen a hard time. But, uh, come on.

We all have... Can't even. We all have that one friend. You know? That one friend who none of your other friends like because he destabilized the Middle East. And it's like, that's not the part I like, but it's still my friend. Ellen means a lot to me. Her coming out meant a lot to me. It

was a little secret I had with a TV star at the time. It was important what she did. I didn't even realize how important it was to me until years later because she came out and I didn't talk about it because I was in the closet at the time. And then she's crying while she's getting a Presidential Medal of Freedom and I'm crying watching Barack Obama

give her a Presidential Medal of Freedom back when we gave it to comedians and not Fox News racist personalities. Ellen said we all need to be kind to everybody, and I agree. I agree, which is why whenever someone tries to tell me a story about how Ellen is one of the meanest people

in show business, I say, I don't want to know. I don't want to gossip. It's not kind. And it happens all the time. To the point where some suggest, and not me, because I don't gossip, that if you meet someone who has worked for Ellen,

ask them how it was. But I don't, because I'm not interested. Kindness. Token of the realm. And NDAs, kindness. Kindness and NDAs make the world go round. Some other news. Elizabeth Warren and Pete Buttigieg released plans

to protect rights for the LGBT community. released plans to protect rights for the LGBT community. They're actually all in L.A. for a CNN town hall on the subject. Warren's plan is called Securing LGBTQ Rights and Equality. Mayor Pete's plan is called Becoming Whole. Good name for a plan on this topic because it includes the word coming in whole. Good name for a plan on this topic,

because it includes the word coming in whole. Now I would like to read a tweet from a friend of the show named Guy Branum. And it's for all of us. I want to congratulate all the gay guys on Twitter who successfully identified that one of the words in the title of Buttigieg's LGBTQ plan sounds like the part of the body we have sex with. I wish all of you the best on your daily show submission packets. Speaking of this town hall, I just did want to roll a clip. Can we roll a clip of Vice President Biden at this event?

The idea, it's normal. It's normalized. It's not anything strange. It's not strange. That's the generic point. And the more people know that, the more they understand it. Remember, Anderson, back 15, 20 years ago, we talked about this in San Francisco. It was all about, well, you know, gay bathhouses. It's all about round-the-clock sex. Come on, man. You remember Anderson? You remember Anderson 15 to 20 years ago?

The fucking round-the-clock action going on in San Francisco? You remember the just ferocious homosexual intercourse taking place on every street corner in the Castro? Anderson, I'm telling a story about equality. Let's see how he landed it. Gay couples are more likely to stay together longer than heterosexual couples. And so that was the point.

There was a point he was trying to make, I suppose, about acceptance and butt stuff. But it's really, you know, Biden's out there, and when he's trying to land a point, it does feel like watching somebody in a Cessna in a very bad storm. And it's rocking, you know? And you're just like, just get it on the ground. Just get it. Doesn't have to be pretty.

Just get that fucking plane on the goddamn ground, Joe. Anderson, 10 years ago, you say gay to me, I think of a pride parade, dicks everywhere. Now I think of families. I'd like to be your president. And we're learning more about the context of Trump's call with Ukraine's president, in which he traded arms for political favors, some name options playing around with,

Ukraine-gate, Ukrainian-one, stupid Watergate, the quid pro oh no, I ku klux klan contra, and Pence-Pence-Kievolution. Pence-Pence-Kievolution. Pence-Pence-Kievolution. Two of Rudy's goons who were on the case, on the Ukraine case with him, were arrested at Dulles with one-way tickets to Vienna, the most guilty thing I've ever heard. Charged with campaign finance violations along with other assorted charges.

A lot to unpack there. I'm sure we'll find out more in the days ahead. Meanwhile, on Wednesday, the New York Times reported the following. A White House official who listened to President Trump's July call with Ukraine's leader described it as, quote, crazy, frightening, and completely lacking in substance related to national security, according to a memo written by the whistleblower at the center of the Ukraine scandal. The official was, quote, visibly shaken by what had transpired, the CIA officer wrote in a memo. Later on Wednesday, CBS got a full readout of the memo, which confirmed the Times report.

You know, this story has moved beyond just this whistleblower into many other facets of the sort of criminality and corruption and abuse of the power of the administration not to mention the efforts of the administration to cover it up but there was something i think really clarifying about this story and the right-wing response to it uh molly hemingway is a senior editor at the federalist which is basically just bright bart if it went to dartmouth and uh she tweeted this based on the time story and while I would normally not dwell on a tweet which is a lie this has I'll dwell on a tweet for days it stuck with me because it did capture something I think essential about the politics of this moment can we put it up on the screen

it quotes the the time story and it says one rollout of latest attempts to oust trump was irreparably harmed by the transcript release no need to tell us what those posts thought of it because we already read it two if any adult was visibly shaken by that call between world leaders that speaks to their instability and i really wanted to break this down because it's the kind of thinking you're seeing a lot of on the right. So let's start with point number one. This is an attempt to oust the president because the crimes are serious. Therefore, the crimes aren't serious because it's an attempt to oust the president. If you report something bad enough that the president might deserve to be ousted, you can't be taken seriously because clearly all you're out to do is point out to the country

that the president is a criminal who shouldn't be in office. Does anyone see a logical problem there as to what happens when a person reports terrible offenses by the president? Okay, so let's move on. That's a small thing. I find that frustrating. That's life in 2019. Next, we learn that the attempt to oust, not from a whistleblower, it's actually a rollout, right? It's a big political operation. F was actually a rollout, right?

It was a big political operation. Failed. And why did it fail? Because the transcript shows us there was nothing there. It's all a big nothing. Which is crazy because you see that not everybody agrees. We have just released Fox News polls on what voters think about impeachment. Fifty-one percent of those responding say the president should be impeached and removed from office. That's up nine points from July. 4% say impeach but do

not remove. 40% say do not impeach. So that is 55% saying that the president should be impeached or impeached and removed. Pretty staggering result considering the transcripts undid the complaint of the whistleblower but we're building a cathedral of misinformation brick by brick by brick the damning call we all saw that did the opposite of what we can all see with our own eyes and ears but finally here's the best part too if any adult was visibly shaken by the call between world leaders that speaks to their instability and that really got to me and I see that it resonated because that this tweet went was retreated thousands

of times which is Jared as you know the currency of our age and and that's when I decided that I I was gonna put this tweet in the time capsule that I plan to bury and then mark as an evil place and salt the earth this idea that if you were visibly shaken by what the president said, you're unstable, really spoke to me about what's actually happened, the kind of corruption that's happened in huge parts of the right. Because when you really think about it, what she's saying is if you care, if this bothers you, if you're so patriotic that judges and tax cuts and Republican victories aren't

important enough to justify the president's crime, it's a form of mental illness. To be horrified by Trump's moral abominations is a form of disorder. And there's something wrong with us, but I don't agree. You have to be unstable to be shaken, visibly shaken by what you just heard on the phone. So tonight, the Washington Post has an incredible story that just broke an account of what happened in the hours before, during, and after that phone call. Concern soared in the calls after, math officials said. Within minutes, senior officials, including National Security Advisor John Bolton, were being pinged by subordinates about problems with what the president had said to his Ukrainian counterpart, Zelensky. Bolton and others scrambled to obtain a rough transcript that was already being locked down on a highly classified computer network.

Those involved in sounding alarms were not swamp or deep state, said a former senior official. Rather, they were White House officials who got concerned about this because this is not the way they want to see their government run. These are the people that these right-wing pundits are saying are unstable. The many people who observe this in real time and immediately knew that what they just heard was the president committing a serious and impeachable crime. They want us to believe that we're crazy, that the patriotic people deep inside the White House, career officials who don't want the government run this way, that we're all crazy, that we're taking this too far,

that it's all just a big rollout to oust Trump, but they can't get away with it because it's not true. And I know it's not true, not just because of what we say, but I know it's not true because I see what happens when Republicans don't want to say out loud that they approve of Trump's conduct, but lack the courage to tell the truth. The space between the lie and the truth they're unwilling to say is vast, and it is on display across the country all day, every day, as reporters question these senators. Can we roll the next clip? a partisan circus, but I haven't heard you answer this question. Do you believe it's appropriate for the President of the United States to ask a foreign leader to investigate a political rival?

Yes or no? Well, look, this is what we're going to get into. The Senate Intelligence Committee is having an investigation, a bipartisan investigation. Unfortunately, though, what we've seen is a very political process take over. If you look at Al Green in Texas, a member of Congress has said, we need to impeach President Trump now because we might not be able to beat him in November. That's about politics. That's not what the serious investigation should be about. Joe, I've answered your question. No, you didn't. Is it a yes or no?

But you're not answering the question. We want to hear from you. You're a smart guy. You know the debate. This is about the politics of the moment and that's why they're trying to do this now. I like the part where he's like, I've answered your question. He's like, no you haven't. And he turns to the next reporter and she's like, yes or no. Happens with Joni Ernst.

It's happening with Martha McSally. It's happening with all of them. All of that there, you see it. You see it. Doesn't matter what the Federalist people say. Doesn't matter what the Hugh Hewitts of the world say. They know the difference between right and wrong, even if they're not courageous enough to admit it.

And that made me very hopeful. When we come back, our panel. Hey, don't go anywhere. There's more of Love It or Leave It coming up. And we're back. We have two all-star returning champions tonight. He's known for his work at The Ringer as well as his book Basketball and Other Things,

and his new book Movies and Other Things came out this week, and everybody should pick it up. Please welcome back to the show Shea Serrano. How you doing, Shea? I feel terrible. I left my hat in the car. I've been wearing a hat. And I don't have it.

Heartbreaking. Did you see Goodfellas? Yes, I've seen Goodfellas. Who knows? What kind of question? Blood in my veins. I feel like Lois in Goodfellas when she wouldn't go without the hat. I won't go without my hat.

That's what I wanted to do in the green room. And he's like, fucking get out there. I do think we're at the point where Rudy Giuliani is running into the house saying, we needed that cocaine. You fucked us. You flushed it. They weren't going to find it. Fuck.

Fuck. All right. You've seen Goodfellas. I've seen Goodfellas. Goodfellas. All right, you've seen Goodfellas. I've seen Goodfellas. All right, she's a comedian and Emmy-nominated writer for her work on Barry, and her stand-up comedy special Ice Thickeners is available to stream in full on YouTube right now.

Please welcome back Emily Heller. Thank you so much. How's everybody doing? So good. I mean, he forgot his hat. I don't know if you heard the hat story or not. Yeah. And it's a new hat, right?

It is a new hat. So it's one of those garments where you buy it and you're like, this is my new identity. Exactly. And then you forget it immediately and you don't know who you are anymore. Well, that's the end of that. Yeah. Can we go back to Ellen? If you'd like. Can we go back to Ellen? If you'd like.

Can we go back to reading other people's tweets out loud on this podcast? Because I have one I want to read. Yes. I wish I could write an envelope what tweet I think it is, but I'm in. My friend Josh Gondelman tweeted several months ago, I'm increasingly impressed by adults who stay friends with their exes because once you're like 30, it's hard enough just who stay friends with their exes because once you're like 30 it's hard enough just to stay friends with your friends

and I keep thinking about that tweet with the Ellen thing where I'm like I'm having dinner tomorrow night with friends who it took 7 months to schedule this dinner and I love them they committed no war crimes, and it's still hard to find time to see them.

Ellen's finding time for George W. Bush. I just find that outrageous. Anyway. All right. It's such an uncool time to be a comedian right now. It's like Ellen's hanging out with George W. Bush, the Joker movies, just making people think, that's what we do.

Is that not what you do? I haven't seen the movie, so I don't know. Does he masturbate alone and smoke a lot of weed? It's not as far off as you'd think. Now it's time for OK Stop. We'll roll a clip. The panel can say OK Stop at any point to comment. Yesterday, Donald Trump held a press conference

in the Roosevelt Room, and like all of his press conferences, he stayed on topic. Let's watch. You have a man named Schiff. Just so it's said, I fucking hate this guy so much. I can't remember a time before this as an adult

that there was somebody who I didn't know personally that I just hate. I hate his face and his lips and his nose and his eyes. I don't have that visceral response anymore. I obviously hate him. Terrible, terrible human being. But I really do now reserve my rage for the moral cowardice around him. That is now where my outrage is. Almost because Donald Trump as a kind of avatar for American flaw, he just is a representation in human flesh of all the ways in which our culture is broken.

I think it is, maybe that sounds a little, I don't know, biblical, but it's how I feel. I see him as just a representation of everything this country has ever gotten wrong in one person. It's almost impossible how few good qualities he has. And it's actually impressive how bad his qualities are. But that's baked into the stock price of Donald Trump in my mind. And I just watched the ticker on Mitch McConnell and Marco Rubio and Jeff Flake and Mitt Romney. And I just watch it go up and down. And I see how many I've stayed so low for so long. and that is where my remaining rage goes.

Emily, what do you think? You like him? How brave would it be for me to be like, fuck yeah. Like you would turn on me so fast. I would get carried out of here on a stretcher. No, I hate his guts. But unlike you, I'm not

like, oh, I'm going to save my hate for Mitch McConnell. Why do you have such a limited supply of hate? Is there like something wrong with you glandularly? Like, I got plenty. They

can all get it. My hate, I mean. I had a perfect phone call with the president of Ukraine. Okay, stop. Has anyone ever had a perfect conversation with anyone? Have you ever? I can't imagine being a person who doesn't leave a conversation being like, what did I just say? I'm going to text them.

I don't think they noticed I was being weird, but I feel like... People read it, but they don't read that. They heard Schiff's version of it. He defrauded the American public. He gave the most horrible rendition, adding his own words. I mean, Mark Meadows is here.

I think I can say honestly, Mark, you didn't believe it when you heard it. Okay, stop. I love how long Trump has been choosing to make this Schiff thing an issue. What he's talking about is paraphrasing. This is an argument against paraphrasing. He's saying that paraphrasing, he really is. He's saying, in paraphrasing, Adam Schiff committed an act of treason.

And I just think that's really unfair because paraphrasing is really useful. Yeah. Sometimes you want to tighten something up. Sometimes you want to, you know, somebody tells you a story, you retell it, you clean it up a little bit. You paraphrase. Not a crime. Not yet. So we're

coming out with a whole new standard and I think it's going to be something very special. It's gotten tremendous receptivity. Same thing with the light bulb. The incandescent lights. Is that a word? Receptivity? It is now. Is that really a word?

I think it's reception. I think that's the word that he meant. But receptivity, I think that's just like your ability to receive things. Right. It's not received amazing receptivity. Yeah. Just like the whole China thing. We thought it was going to be like, it will be well received.

And really, it's we are receiving from them, the authoritarianism. He's getting the order wrong. Right. And it's also, he's talking about light bulbs. He's getting the order wrong. Right. And it's also, he's talking about light bulbs. He's a fucking idiotivity. Aside from the fact you look better, of course, who cares about looks? But you do look better with incandescent.

They weren't allowed. Okay, stop. The dudes behind him are cracking up at how hypocritical he's being. I also just want to flag that they've multiplied over the course of this. And I'm not sure where they're coming from. We may be dealing with a body snatcher's situation.

I didn't even notice that until you said it right now, that there were other white guys back there. It's like the Fantasia broom thing where he chops the broom up and it just turns into more little brooms. So does anybody remember in Sopranos when Tony is trying to get weed killer and he goes up to the guy and he's like, I want the DDT. I don't want this commercial stuff. Give me the stuff that's illegal.

Trump has the same relationship to light bulbs and hair products. same relationship to light bulbs and hair products. If Trump were in charge during the period of time when we were saving the ozone, we would not have saved it because he was personally bothered by the window when they got rid of the CFC aerosols and there was that brief window before they figured out another way to do the aerosols. And we all remember this period where there was just the. And you're just... And now, I'm not a hairspray person. I wasn't at the time. Now I am. It doesn't matter why.

But there was this window where there was just the kind where you kind of had to squirt and just do your best. And for hairspray, it was a true nightmare. Trump remembers it. That's what environmentalism is to him. It is when they got rid of the good 80s hairspray and forced him to use the bad 80s hairspray. And light bulbs are the same thing. He doesn't understand any of this. He just knows that he doesn't look the color

he wants to look, which is not the right color, regardless, under a non-incandescent bulb. And for that reason, he is upending a regulation originally approved by George W. Bush a plan that has been in place for literally more than a decade

as we slowly transition away from incandescent bulbs because he doesn't like the way they look when he sees himself at a gym with fluorescents at a gym? well With fluorescence. Thank you. At a gym? Well. And you have the privilege of buying now a much more expensive bulb that doesn't have a good looking light.

But maybe very importantly, when the bulb is out and no good, it's literally considered a hazardous waste site. He talks about light bulbs like he talks about his wives. He also, there was that video game where you kind of had a little ball of stuff and you rolled it around a town, absorbing

umbrellas. Katamari Damacy? Yep. Wow. That is how... Emily Heller, everybody. Yes, that's the game I'm referring to. Impossibly. But in that game, you kind of just roll around

picking stuff up as you go. That is his intellectual approach. He just grabs onto little sentence fragments of information. He doesn't open a book or a briefing material, so he just gloms onto little bits of facts. So somebody in a meeting made some reference to the disposal of fluorescent bulbs or LED bulbs, and it just came out.

He's like a prototype of an AI in its first week before they put in any real data where it's just spitting back what its programmers taught it to say. Whenever data gets wiped and you see him and he's just drawn with crayons for a bit. I really, honestly, this is

one of my least favorite segments to do because most of the time I don't subject myself to the sound of his voice. This is like the most I ever listen to him talk. It's not responsible. I shouldn't do that. I should be a more engaged citizen.

I just can't do it. And that's okay, stop. When we come back, we're going to play a game about local politics. Don't go anywhere. This is Love It or Leave It, and there's more on the way.

And we're back. 2020. It's exciting. It's sexy. It could be the last election of our lifetime. And it's right around the corner.. It could be the last election of our lifetime. And it's right around the corner. But you know what?

There's an election before we ever get to that corner and standing there with a neon vest on like, do you have five minutes to save democracy? But you look at your phone and keep walking and they're like, please, don't you want to save America? And you're like, sorry, I already voted last year and I'm actually super late for coffee with my ex. And he only reaches out when he needs something

and I'm really looking forward to say I'd love to help but I can't. But for coffee with my ex, and he only reaches out when he needs something, and I'm really looking forward to saying I'd love to help, but I can't. But in less than a month, there are important elections all over the country, including elections in Kentucky, Louisiana, Mississippi, and a big one, Virginia. We only need to flip two seats in the Virginia House of Delegates

and two seats in the state Senate, and we can stop Republican gerrymandering for the next decade. But we know these local elections aren't the most exciting things in the world, so we thought we'd spice a few of the races up that take place on November 5th in a new segment we're calling, Oh No! Our Collective Obsession with National Politics, of which I am guilty,

along with social media, has maybe depleted a sense of civic connection to our towns and municipalities and created a competition between the global community and the local community as to where we seek validation, esteem, and belonging, a genuine challenge that isn't an indictment of technology, but a test for us to meet as we learn to live in a society where everyone in our country feels like a neighbor. So let's try to focus on the local by getting fucking hyped. That's really, really impressive.

Really impressive. Here's how it works. Shay and Emily will introduce us to some of the incredibly exciting honestly earth shattering races that we can vote on in less than a month

at the local level in Virginia races that we can all support and go to votesaveamerica.com slash fuck Jerry Jerry with a G and we can get involved

because we can fuck Jerry and stop gerrymandering so they're gonna introduce us to the candidates Shay kick us off. In the blue corner,

fighting for Virginia House District number 66 is the politician on a mission, the mother of five who will eat you alive, the meta-queen of Medicaid, the General Custer, out to make the legal system juster. When her delegate wouldn't make time to discuss her child with special needs.

Oh, now I feel bad. She got in the ring herself to become an advocate for children with learning disabilities. She protects drinking water like Brita filters are a scam. She's the first African American woman to serve on the state's board of contractors and the next African American woman to kick

your ass. Let's take a shot to this mom on a mission. It's tequila Sheila Bynum Coleman. And her opponent in the red corner, the current Virginia Speaker of the House, the Mitch McConnell of Virginia, the wiener nerd from Petersburg, the speaker who couldn't be weaker.

He's the slippery salamander known to gerrymander, the self-described world's biggest hot dog fan. And that's the least embarrassing thing about him. He's the man who only got enough votes to be speaker because a Republican won an election by literally having his name pulled out of a hat. And that's true. You can look it up. He's got a reputation for danger and disenfranchisement

after helping draw illegal district maps that the courts overturned. His name sounds like the noise a dog makes when they're throwing up. Kirk ran unopposed for 20 years. Cox. I just want to see if that's up. Kirk ran unopposed for 20 years. Cox. I just want to see if that's true. Kirk Cox. Yeah, I got it.

Shay, you're up. In the blue corner, fighting for Virginia's 8th district, much like the treats she dispensed in her years operating a successful Rita's Italian Ice and Frozen Custard franchise. She's sweet enough to get elected, but cold enough to get the job done. She wants to increase education funding

and educate Republicans about what it's like to lose. She sailed the seas as a Navy officer, and now she wants to fight climate change so the seas don't sail on top of us. The Virginia Peach from Virginia Beach, who you will never impeach once you hear her big stump speech. That one just kept going.

Sometimes they do. Sometimes they don't end. How many each words are there? We're going to get them all. She's here doing gerrymandering and to eat delicious frozen custard and looks like she's all out of frozen custard. delicious frozen custard and looks like she's all out

of frozen custard. It's the marvelous Missy Cotter Smuzzle. Is that how you say that name? Cotter Smuzzle? I'm trying for a delegate seat in Virginia. I don't know. And her opponent in the red corner, he's a former

city councilman who was photographed in a genie Halloween costume that had a giant lamp with the words rub me on it protruding from his dick. Prompting onlookers to say whoa, that guy should never have power. He's the licensed firearm

dealer who attended an NRA sponsored town hall in Virginia Beach just after the Virginia Beach mass shooting because he's never met a gun that doesn't make him harder than the simulated erection he had in that gross Halloween costume. He feels like a member of your family, specifically the uncle who posts racist memes on Facebook, since that's something he actually did.

He's the pervy leech of Virginia Beach. Let him hear what you think of him. Bill Lampenis to Steph. Oh my God. What? All right. You can get involved in helping these races by donating to votesaveamerica.com

slash fuck Jerry, Jerry with a G. And we are calling our listeners to get involved in helping these races by donating to votesaveamerica.com slash fuck Jerry, Jerry with a G. And we are calling our listeners to get involved all around the country right now over the next few weeks. We need door knockers and phone bankers all over the country to get involved. There's less than a month to go and Republicans are outworking us. Even if you don't live near these states, you can still phone back. We have important governor's races and others races that you can get involved in in 2019. We need you. If you said you'd do everything you can to stop Republicans and Trump, now's the time to prove it. Votesaveamerica.com

slash volunteer and find out how you can help. When we come back, we were lucky enough to sit down with Beto O'Rourke in studio before his big counter rally to Trump in Texas on October 17th and he became the seventh candidate to play queen for a day. It was a genuine delight. We had a really good conversation and then we had a very silly conversation and he was a good sport for all. That's right after this. Hey don't go anywhere there's more of Love It or Leave It coming up. More of Love It or Leave It coming up. He's the former congressman from Texas currently running for president of the United States. Please welcome back to Love It or Leave It the first presidential candidate to say fuck, Beto O'Rourke.

Hey, good to see you. Thank you. Great to have you back. You were first on this show right when we launched, right when you were launching your long shot bid for the Senate. And I remember someone having to explain to me how to pronounce your name. The most surprising thing was how incredible the reaction was to you because you were willing to take this person on. And so, you know, we're here now, two and a half years later, and I think you're at a phase in your campaign, you know, after the terrible tragedy in El Paso, where you've just sort of said, fuck it. And you're going to talk about things you care about, like gun buybacks. One of the reasons I think candidates are cautious and worried about taking positions like that is

because they're thinking about the general election. And in part, because you're not up with the front runnersners in the polls. You have a bit more freedom. But do you think those other candidates are wrong to be more cautious? Do you think the positions you've taken on buybacks, on reparations, are dangerous positions for a Democrat to take in a general election? I don't think they're dangerous. And I do think there's something to the idea of fuck it,

which is a phrase I was introduced to by my wife, who when we were starting out in this race, she reminded me of what it was like to be at the outset of the Senate race. And she said, Beto, no one knew your name or how to pronounce your name. No one thought you had a chance against Ted Cruz. You really had nothing to lose, right? The other word for freedom. And so you just went out there and you went to every county. You said what was on your mind. You never knew if it polled well or not. You were talking about an assault weapons ban in Texas. You were talking about impeachment in 2017 and what everyone thought was a red state. And you just said, fuck it. And you just said what was on your mind. And she, about midway through this campaign, reminded me of that. She says, you've got to get back to fuck it. And not fuck it as in, who cares? But fuck it as in, don't care about the stuff that don't matter. Don't care about the polls or the conventional wisdom or the rhetoric you're supposed to use as a candidate. Just say what you really feel. I think that's what people connect to. And I think nothing forces that more than what we experienced in El Paso on August 3rd. And there was this moment where I remember a reporter had stuck a microphone in my face, TV camera on me. And I was actually looking for Amy. We were trying to get to this vigil. And they were like, do you think the president has anything to do with the fact that a guy who was worried about being replaced as a white man in

America, who was railing about invasions, walked in with an AK-47 into a Walmart and just started killing people, gunned down 22. And I was like, what the fuck? How do you not see this? Why are we asking this question of ourselves in 2019? Why is anyone in a position of power or trust, you in the media, still treating this as though we don't already know the answer? But I think, to your point, that has to extend to everything. We have to call these things out for what they are and speak very clearly. It doesn't mean you have to use a four-letter word. But the old language and rhetoric and conventions just isn't working, obviously, and has helped to produce the situation that we're in now.

So I want to talk about that as it relates to health care. You know, Mayor Pete called your position on guns a shiny object. You took great offense at that. Yet at the same time, I think for a lot of Democrats looking at this race, there are some candidates who have said we should be for Medicare for all, even if it's not as popular as a public option, even if it's maybe politically more difficult, because ultimately, that's where we should be as a country. And you've taken a different position. You've said, I'm for an incredibly robust public option. I'm for getting everybody insured, but I'm not for a single payer system. Is Medicare for all a version of a shiny object? No. And I don't think we should ever be governed or limited by what the political practicalities are or what the polling says or what the pundits have allowed us to talk about. And I think if we go to the author of Medicare for All, Bernie Sanders, he deserves so much of the credit for the fact that it is now conventional wisdom that we should get to universal health care, that it should be guaranteed, that it should be of high quality.

There's just a disagreement now amongst us about the best path that we should take in pursuing that. And for me, that involves ensuring that everyone who's uncovered today is able to enroll in Medicare tomorrow, that those who are insufficiently covered. tomorrow, that those who are insufficiently covered, so you can't afford your copay or your premium, and you're literally afraid to go to the doctor, though you pay for it every month, you can enroll in Medicare. But those tens of millions of our fellow Americans who have health insurance that they like, that works for them, that members of unions who fought and negotiated for those plans and want to keep them, they should be able to do that. And so our plan gets to those same goals that Bernie deserves so much credit for defining for America, but I think in a much better, far more effective way. So, I mean, something that, you know, President Obama

has said, I think some advocates for public option have said over the years is, if I were designing a system from scratch, I would go with single payer, but the transition is so difficult. That's why I support this incremental approach. And I don't say incremental as a disparaging thing, like this is the best route to getting everybody covered. Do you agree with that? Or do you actually believe a system where there is a public option and private insurance is better than a system in which everyone has the same Medicare? Yes, it's the latter. So it's not a function of expediency or cost in my mind for the position that I've taken. It is just the best possible path to guarantee the highest quality of care for our fellow Americans. For example, in our plan, go see a primary care

provider, no copay. Go to see a mental health care provider, No copay to do that for women's reproductive care and the full spectrum of women's health care. No copay. No copay for life-saving medication. So that's very bold. It's very robust. But it also trusts the decisions that millions of Americans have made or are likely to make to keep the insurance that they have, that they've negotiated for. And I keep mentioning unions because it is so compelling to listen to people who say, look, I have been on the lines fighting for this plan. And I pursued this plan in lieu of a pay increase or some other earned benefit. And I want to keep it. I don't want to fucking go to Medicare. That's not what I fought for. And so it's hard to hear that and not be compelled by that and want to honor that. And I think there's a way in our plan to do that. So that's why we're pursuing that, not out of any other reason, polling expediency or cost. It's just the best path. So, you know, we've had a lot of debates about health care, a lot of debates about immigration. There actually hasn't been that much conversation in the big Democratic debates around the economy. And I know that's something that you've been talking about more.

So what does fuck it on the economy look like? So last week, I'm in Las Vegas, and we're having a town hall meeting, and we get asked... Just put it, everything, put $2 trillion on black and just roll our fucking fingers. Probably makes as much sense as what the president is doing right now. And we have this amazing town hall and this woman approaches me afterwards and her question really stunned me. It was a kind of a what the fuck moment where she said, why is it illegal for me to live in my car? That was her question for me. And I said, well, tell me what you're talking about. And she said, I'm caring for my daughter, who's significantly disabled, requires almost around-the-clock care. I'm working for DoorDash, Uber Eats, one other job.

And then I'm hired by an outside health care company to care for my daughter because I cannot be paid to directly do that. And I don't have enough to pay the rent. And so we're living in our car, but it's illegal in Las Vegas. And so I get harassed by the police. She didn't ask me, can I just work one job and that be enough? Or can I get health care for my daughter? Or can you do something about housing in America when we're 6 million housing units short? She just wanted the very basic dignity of being able to live in her car.

And that was a, wow, we are really in trouble when it's been normalized for the people who are bearing the brunt of this to lead these kind of lives when they should be, all of us should be demanding that she's able to work a job that pays a living wage, $15 an hour and no less. family leave, when she needs to take care of her daughter without fear of losing that job or the income that comes along with it. Universal health care, housing, so that it's not something that she has to worry about today. And in the wealthiest, the most powerful country on the face of the planet, she doesn't have to face this kind of indignity on a daily basis. There are millions of our fellow Americans who are literally a paycheck or an accident or being fired from their job away from living in their cars or being on the streets or not able to take care of their kids. And functionally, practically, we're all to blame. We've accepted it. We've become

inert to this, normalized this kind of poverty in the wealthiest country on the planet. So I think that for me, among many other moments, really helped to bring into focus just what we're doing to each other and that we don't have to do that. There are solutions to these challenges and we just have to decide that they're a priority for us as a country. So there was a study that just came out

that found for the first time, billionaires paid a lower tax rate than the bottom 20%. And as part of this, there was a look at the share of income going to the top 1% and the share going to the bottom 50%. And in Europe, it sort of held steady, right? 20s and 20s, roughly. But in the United States, we've seen the share of income to the top 1% skyrocketing and the share of income going to the bottom dropping. Now, I think a lot of the Democrats talk about the tax solution to this, to reorganize our tax code so that rich people pay more, the middle class and poor people

face less of a burden. That is, I think, a consensus on the Democratic side and amongst Americans. But that is an answer to a question about power, about why so much capital and power is accruing to the hands of the few. What do you see as the kind of upriver cause of that kind of economic inequality? Why is it that our economy is structured so that so much wealth naturally flows up? I'm sure you read the 1619 Project in the New York Times. It makes this really compelling case that you start or chart the history of this country, not from the 4th of July, 1776, but the 20th of August, 1619, the first time someone's kidnapped in West Africa, brought here by force, and upon their backs, the wealth, the greatness, the success, the riches of this country

are built, and how 2019, 400 years later, their descendants still are not fully able to participate in the success that they've created economically, politically, in any way that matters or counts in America. Another conclusion that you get from reading that is that it helps to explain a particularly brutal form of capitalism that, to your point, is not seen in most other parts of the capitalist or developed world. So I think the roots of our capitalism help to explain a lot. The myth that we tell ourselves that, you know, yeah, it's brutal in America. And certainly there are people living in their cars like this woman that I just described. But ultimately, you're going to pull yourself up by your bootstraps. And this is a hard charging country that rewards, you know, pluck and hard work and just keep living in that car, working those four jobs, and you're going to get there sooner or later. And I say that because I don't just want to blame those who sit on corporate

boards or CEOs who are paid extravagant, unbelievable, insane salaries, or those who paid for access and influence and outcomes in the halls of power, all of them share some culpability. But it's almost defining as a myth for America that this is okay. So if that is the foundational endemic challenge that we face, what institutions can be the bulwark or allow people to transcend this. I was on a picket line just outside of Cincinnati with some UAW workers outside of a GM supplier plant. Later would be in Lordstown that same day with other UAW workers. And this young guy, your age, he says, I'm on this picket line not so much for myself

or for other UAW members or even those who work at GM he said I'm here for the middle class and that's a very confident statement I said well tell me what you're talking about and he said if we fail in this and these forces that you just described that have produced the wealth and income inequality

that we're seeing in America they win. And any chance of growing or even holding on to a place in the middle class is over forever. So making sure that we elevate the role of unions as a counterweight to that greed and corporate power that we see in America today, not just for members of unions, but for everyone else who wants to have a chance to make it, who right now takes for granted what unions have won in the past and maybe does not yet see what unions still have to win for us going forward. That's one institution that I think we need to strengthen. The other, very obviously, is our democracy in a pay-to-play

system, in a system that locks out millions based on prior convictions in a very racist criminal justice system, in a system that purges voter rolls in Georgia where Stacey Abrams is the governor of that state if hundreds of thousands had not been denied the right to vote, or in Texas where you have the most racially gerrymandered state in the union today. If you could bring the power in of everyone who's been denied access to the ballot box, our government, our institutions, our laws, and I think our capitalism would reflect the diversity of experience and aspiration and genius of this country. So those are some thoughts about the causes. Those are some thoughts about how we work our way through that. In addition to the policies that I propose, which

about how we work our way through that, in addition to the policies that I propose, which may not be all that materially different from any other candidate. $15 an hour wage, universal healthcare, paid family leave, paid childcare, a tax code that resets the balance. We need to do all of that. But to your point, I think we need to look

at the structures within which we're operating and how they came to exist in the first place. Do you think that in a system like that, that if we were, let's say we were to have power and we get a $15 minimum wage and we get a healthcare system in which everybody is automatically enrolled in a plan and we make college more affordable, if we were able to make these big changes, we're still left, I think, with a country where we have some consolidation, some very big corporations. We see, you know, you now go to downtowns and you see kind of the local places are disappearing and the big companies have come in. Do you think that that is an American economy where people will feel

like they have a sense of dignity, they have a sense of control in their lives, or is something so fundamentally broken that we have to go beyond these social safety net policies and attack some of the deeper sort of corporate structures in the economy now? Yes, we do. And it's interesting, I was in Northeast Texas, so now a very red Republican part of the country. Up until 40 years ago, a very reliably blue Democratic part of the country. And to help explain that transition, someone talked about Wright Patman, who was a member of Congress for that area. And they talked about him in answer to this question. They said he was a guy standing up for the little gal and the little guy, the mom and pop shop on the corner, trying to keep out the Walmarts of the day. Walmart did not exist at that time, but there

were other predatory mega stores who were coming in and threatened to put people out of business. He was standing up for the farmer and the rancher and the grower and the producer against consolidation because he knew as soon as that happened, not only would it put them out of business, but these little towns would begin to dry up. And true enough, they have. And they're fighting to keep on, to hold on to the talent, to the young people, to draw them back again. And it's going to be impossible if they're up against these corporate behemoths right now. So leveling the playing field, making sure that entrepreneurship is possible for everyone in America and possible today. One interesting fact that helps to describe this, Post-World War II, returning GIs, about 50% of them created a small business.

Post-9-11, returning service members have created businesses at 4% to 5%. So that dream of being able to start something, having the capital, and really the possibility of even competing against some of the other established businesses is really fading from view. And that engine of our capitalism, that the small business owner is being compromised. And at the end of the

day, that will compromise this country and an economic democracy that we used to be really proud of, that people like Wright Patman used to fight for. And into that story was a person said, that's why I stopped voting for Democrats. People stopped showing up for us, fighting for us. And so I figured, you know, if you're not going to do that for me, and if you've got an economic populism coming from the other side, and a Ronald Reagan who says he believes in the small business owner, I'm going to take a chance on that. So I think not only is it the right thing to do to stand up for those small business owners and future small business owners, I think it's very politically rewarding at the end of the day as well. All right. Well, Beto, thank you for being here. You've also agreed to stick around for Queen for a Day. Absolutely. All right. So when we come back,

Queen for a Day. Don't go anywhere. Love it or leave it. There's more on the way. And we're back. For decades, Grover Norquist, a man who looks and lives exactly like his name is Grover Norquist, has asked Republican candidates for office to sign his pledge committing them to his core values. No new taxes, no elimination of tax deductions, no horseplay after 9 p.m. And since I consider myself the Grover Norquist of people who hated Joker, I figured I'd start my own pledge. During this primary, we're pinning presidential candidates down

on the issues that matter to me most in a segment we call Queen for a Day. Congressman O'Rourke has agreed to be the seventh candidate to face the gauntlet. Are you ready, Congressman? Listo. Okay. I'm just context clues.

That must mean ready. On day one, do you pledge to eliminate daylight savings and never let the American people see dark before 5 p.m. again? Yes. Is Trump's Nickelback tweet alone an impeachable offense?

Should be. Do I have to feel bad as a pedestrian at the intersection for hitting the crosswalk button when someone is clearly already waiting to cross, or is it okay to have a healthy skepticism that maybe they didn't hit the button? I think it's okay to have that healthy skepticism. Hit the button.

Do you have to make a kind of little face, like kind of like to the person? I think some acknowledgement would be good. Yeah. Civilized. That's correct. Would you pardon your former bandmate if their only crime was selling out? There's no danger of that, but yes, I would. You must now put to rest an important debate.

What is the best food at the sad restaurant inside Ikea? I'm not familiar with this restaurant. What are the options that I have? Well, it's really Swedish meatballs, lingonberry sauce. That's really what they offer. I'll do the meatballs. Okay, well, that's not correct.

No, I'm sorry. If a couple plans their wedding in the week between Christmas and New Year's, hasn't that couple proven themselves too unstable and dangerous to purchase a firearm? Correct. Foreign policy hypothetical.

If you found out Emmanuel Macron's car had a baby on board decal on the back, would it make you respect him less? Shouldn't we drive like every car has a baby on board? Yes. We shouldn't be more like, oh, I was going to hit you. That's right.

Until I found out that there was a baby. Absolutely. Yes. Congressman. This is a doozy. All right. I'm ready. I'm stealing myself.

Texas barbecue. You can only have one for the rest of your life. Which is it? Barbecue, which may be counterintuitive because I come from El Paso. But in El Paso, we take pride in Mexican food as distinct from Tex-Mex. So if you were to ask me Mexican food or Texas barbecue, it would be Mexican food. Sorry if I confused it, but I just want to make sure the record's clear. I just think, honestly, one of the challenges we have is like that kind of nuance,

like how do you get it through in this media environment? Because all I heard is you shit on Tex-Mex. Under oath, can you ollie? No. Sorry. As a former teen hacker, were you white hat or black hat? I was white hat. Okay, okay, that's good. That's good. That's good. For legal reasons and also for, you know, just in the interest of honesty. Okay, well, glad those align. You know, lately, a lot of times in the news, they do not.

Last month, and this is true, the U.S. government was forced to confirm that they were in possession of multiple videos of UFOs taken by Navy pilots after the videos were made public by former Blink-182 singer Tom DeLonge. As president, will you finally give the Presidential Medal of Freedom to Tom for opening our eyes and for Blink-182 actually secretly being good? There will be some way to reward that. I don't know if it'll be in the way that you described, but point taken. Yes. Okay. Okay. At least you're open to it.

Yeah. Should we preemptively lock up anyone who calls the Joker movie a masterpiece for safety? You know, I want to pander to you by saying yes, but I haven't seen the movie yet. It's 2019. You can review movies without having seen them. Okay. Yeah. let me see it. Okay. Let me see it. Okay.

Okay. Thank you. Final question. If you are elected president, will your punk band FOSS reunite to play the inauguration? Absolutely. Yeah. That would be a ton of fun. And all of them have gone on to much more successful musical careers.

Cedric in At the Drive-In and Mars Volta, Arlo in this group called Fragile Gang that's here in Los Angeles, Mike in the Honky Tonk Chateau in Springfield, Missouri. His names are terrific. Yeah, so to be able to connect with them again and be able to share in that dream that was lost to me when I realized I was nowhere half as talented as the three of them. Sure, if I have to use a presidential inauguration to have that chance again, I will use it.

So, yes. So, one last question. You know, you're running for president. I think there's a lot of people that have listened to this show, Pod Save America. They've been following you for a long time. In fact, we get shit constantly for people claiming we're in your pocket when we're not. We criticize you like crazy. Listen to these questions you just asked me.

But for people listening that I think are wondering about you in this campaign and whether or not you deserve a second look, what is your message to them as they're kind of in the homestretch of making this decision? I think at a time that we have a president who seeks to drive this country through fear, fear of Muslims, fear of transgender Americans, fear of Mexican immigrants, fear of anyone, in other words, who doesn't look like or pray like or love like the rest of America at a time that there are so many people who legitimately live in fear. If you are a child of immigrants and your father's dropped you off at school and you don't know if he's going to be able to pick you up because he himself may be picked up and detained and deported. If you're a child going to school and you recognize that this country has done

shit in the decades of mass shootings in America, that 40,000 people lose their lives every year, and you live in fear that you may be next, that it's not a question of if but when that is going to happen in your school. If you know that this country, that the world knows everything about climate change today in 2019 that we knew in 1979. I haven't taken any action and you are afraid that the 10 years left to us will be squandered. I want to make sure that I am fearless for you, fearless against this president, operating on our ambitions, our aspirations, a belief in America that can come together despite our differences, not allow them

to divide us as we seek to be a match for this moment. And that's the way that I've been in this campaign, talking about gun violence, talking about institutional racism, talking about climate, the economy, health care, about rewriting our immigration laws in our own image. It's going to take that kind of fearlessness to defeat Donald Trump in November 2020. And it's going to take that kind of fearlessness to meet the greatest set of challenges that this country has ever faced. And so this is a campaign for the fearless of America. And we want to bring everyone in, regardless of the differences that might otherwise divide us. No me importa who you voted for, who you pray to, who you love, how many generations you've been here. You're an American many generations you've been here.

You're an American first before you are anything else. And that's all that counts at this moment. So that's why I'm running. That's how I'm running. That's how I want to serve this country as president of the United States. Better O'Rourke. Thank you for being here. Thanks for having me. Appreciate it. Gracias. Hey, don't go anywhere. There's more of Love It or Leave It coming up. And we're back. Now it's time for the rant wheel. Here's how it works. We spin the wheel wherever it lands.

We rant about the topic. This week on the wheel, we have alcoholic Tide Pods. We have Best Picture 2016. We have the Secession theme song. We have Lindsey Graham prank call. We have Joker. We have Halloween, rehearsal dinners, and the Santa Ana wins. Let's spin the wheel. It has landed on Best Picture 2016. And that had to have been suggested by one of you. That was not me. Was that you?

That was you. Oh, yeah, I did that. You're the one who... I forgot I wrote the movie book. One of us wrote a book about movies. And it's not me. I forgot I wrote the movie book. One of us wrote a book about movies, and it's not me. Shay, I think this was you, because you wrote a book about movies that's out right now in stores.

It's illustrated. It's got great stories in it, right? Some of that's true. Illustrated is true. Great stories is like, you know, if you like it. Oh, wow, really? really Not gonna hard sell us huh Alright Shay

Take it away This is the movie That won best picture In 2017 Spotlight I don't know If you remember this or not It won in 2017

For 2016 It won 2016 For 2015 The Oscars come The year after. These are the other ones that were nominated. The Big Short, Bridge of Spies, Brooklyn, Mad Max, Fury Road, The Martian,

The Revenant, and Room. They nominated eight movies. Spotlight won. They missed the best movie. That should have been the winner. I re-watched it on the plane. I've been thinking about it ever since then. I'm so excited to find out what it is. It's motherfucking Creed. Creed. Michael B. Jordan,

Tessa Thompson, Sylvester Stallone. An incredible reboot of the Rocky franchise, which is one of the all-time great movie franchises. Stallone got nominated for Best Supporting Actor, but they did not give Michael B. Jordan a nomination. They gave Matt Damon one for

The Martian, and this is Matt Damon in The Martian. Oh, I need to figure out how to grow potatoes. Oh, I got it. I got it. I know how to grow potatoes. He does that for two hours.

Michael B. Jordan was doing pull-ups with his shirt off, and he had a... It was incredible. Listen. He got my vote. Listen. All of a sudden, I'm interested in this movie again. No.

Listen. It's... Everybody thinks of Rocky... The first thing you think of is Rocky IV when he's fighting Yvonne Drago or whatever. And I get it. That's like the campy 80s version. But when they redid Creed with Ryan Coogler as a director, who's a very real director, and Michael B. Jordan as a star, who's not as good as Stallone was

in those moments, but he is able to activate some other parts that Stallone couldn't. Anyway, it's this beautiful movie, and at the end, they make you wait the whole movie before they play the Rocky theme. They don't play it the whole time. They just hold onto it faintly in the background. And we have this very emotional speech

between Rocky and Creed before the last round. They're fighting the champion. It looks like... I'm so excited to keep talking about this. Keep going. I'm so in. I agree completely. It looks like Rocky wants to stop the fight.

Poor Creed, his eye is just closed completely. It's a very moving moment. Anyway, Creed, he has a breakdown. He's like, don't stop the fight. You've got to let me prove it, Rocky. He's like, I've got to let you prove what? Creed's like, I'm not a mistake. And then it's just like, oh, my God.

And then Rocky gives him the speech, and he fucking powers him up. And he's like, we're going to fucking go. Say over there, we're going to go over there. We're going to knock that son of a bitch down. And then he says it. And then finally, he stands up, and his face is all beat up. And then right there, dun-dun-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. And I was he stands up and his face is all beat up. And then right there, dun dun, dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun, best picture 2016 2016. I was so fired up. Listen, I was at the movies with my, it was me, me, my wife, two of my uncles, old Mexican men are sitting here, I look down, tears all down their face. I realize I've got tears on my face. I haven't stopped thinking about it since.

And I rewatched that. And then I rewatched Spotlight. And I was like, fucking Creed should... Give it to Creed. I want to make two points really quick. Give it to me. Give it to me. Number one, another film robbed in a different year.

It's a film called The Florida Project, which deserved to be nominated for Best Picture. And I think it did it for the same reason Creed didn't get Best Picture. Yes. And it is because we were to talk about Creed, and I didn't know what you were about to say. I would have come to the exact same point as you do, where Creed says, I'm not a mistake. Because I think what that movie did that was so amazing is so many movies, and especially big dramas that are going to try to be your best picture, they really do hold your hand all the way through.

And this is a movie where you watch a character fight and fight and fight and fight, and he never says why, and it's a really subtle, excellent performance. You just watch somebody push and push and push, and it's not until the final moments of the movie, the final moments of the movie, that the character tells you where it all comes from

all at once in that one fucking moment and i was bawling you're so right i hadn't thought about in a while creed was robbed and that's the only wrong decision anyone ever made in 2016 let's spin it again. It has landed on Halloween, I believe suggested by Emily. It was, and I heard someone in the audience go, yes, and I just want you to lower your expectations. I put Halloween up because I'm very passionate about Halloween.

It's my favorite holiday, and by all accounts, it should not be. I am technically, I don't think, that good at Halloween. Every year, I dress up like something that no one understands what it is until I explain it to them. It's been eight years since someone's recognized my Halloween costume by looking at me. One year I accidentally spent $300 making it. Because I went to the fabric store and I didn't look at the price and I had them cut the fabric. And then when you get to the cash register and they're like, that'll be $300, you can't be like, never mind,

because they cut the fabric before you get there. I also don't like candy. Like, Halloween shouldn't be for me. I also don't like being scared. Like, I don't like being scared of anything. Like, right now my biggest fear is that I'm going to screen a call, and then it's going to end up being Elizabeth Warren

and I'll have missed it. And that's the most fear I can handle right now. I'm on Ativan for that alone. That being said, I've been thinking a lot about how we can step up our Halloween game this year because I feel like Halloween is not a, we're not having national conversations about Halloween the way we are with Christmas, the way we're so sacred about how we celebrate Christmas, which is just as weird of a holiday. But I think that we need to keep Halloween current.

I've got a few ideas. For one thing, I want people who use the word spooktacular to also use the word spooktical. No one's doing both. People are only doing spooktacular. No one's saying, like, it's going to be a spooktacle. No one's doing both. People are only doing spooktacular. No one's saying like, it's gonna be a spooktacle. And as a fan of the English language,

I just, like spooktacular's over, it's spooktacle now. If it's gonna be a noun, say spooktacle. And then the other thing I was thinking was like, we haven't had like a good Halloween banger since Monster Mash. I mean, thriller, yes, but we can't play that anymore.

I'm firmly on the side of stop playing Michael Jackson things when I'm having trying to have a good time. Because it sends me down in an anxiety spiral of whether it's okay to enjoy it and that makes it not fun uh that set us back approximately 30 years back to monster mash we haven't updated the monster canon they act like it ends at frankenstein and dracula as if those weren't just book characters from like 200 years ago less than 200 years ago i feel like we need to update it with some more current monsters. Slenderman should be in there. The Babadook.

Shrek, I don't know. And then when it comes to costumes, some people dress creatively, some people dress scary, some people dress sexy. It's just like a fucked up version of the Seven Dwarves. Do whatever you want. But I

want to urge you to make your own costume. Because my mom was an art teacher and we did that every year and it was really fun. And I have the wrong opinions about Halloween and that's the conclusion of my Halloween rant. It is almost time for the third annual

Crooked Media Halloween Pumptacular, an event that... It promises to be a pumpticle. And it will be a pumpticle, although one of the great challenges I have is no one is as invested in the pumpticle as I am. And so there's also another Halloween ritual, which is me reminding people that I haven't forgotten Halloween is coming. And we will be scheduling a company-wide pumpkin carving. And then, like clockwork, someone says,

well, it's going to be a lot of pumpkins. Should we partner up? And I say, if people want to partner up, they're welcome to partner up. But people should also have the option, one pumpkin, one fucking person. Because it's Halloween, and I love it. Halloween is actually two overlapping holidays that sit on top of each other and do love it. Halloween is actually two overlapping holidays

that sit on top of each other and do not intersect. Children Halloween and adult Halloween. Family Halloween and late night fun Halloween. Fun Halloween. Yeah.

I'm down here with family Halloween. I love adult Halloween. I love going as a, think of a common costume, a gladiator, something else. Wait. Why is that your a common costume, a gladiator, something else. Wait, why is that your first common costume?

We know why. Basically, I take a costume, I add something gay to it, and then I call it something gay, like Darth Gaydar, or a gadiator, or... Gladi-gator. Gladi-gator. Gladi-gator. Gladi-gator. Gladi-gator. That's too close to alligator. My routine on Halloween is,

oh, fuck, there's no candy at my house, so on my way home from work, or not work, I go to Target, I buy three bags of candy, giant bags of candy, and I buy some sort of bucket, and then I do,

I fill the bucket with candy, and I put it at the end of my driveway with a sign that says candy. You put a sign that says candy? What? You don't even put a... Not a sign that says only take one? No, I won't do it. Because only take one to me speaks to is first of all, it's both

too cynical and too naive at once. Because who's that sign for? Because if you're the kind of person... Who's the sign that says candy for? If you're the sign... I don't think I'm sure... What? If you say...

If you're the kind of person that would respect a sign that says take one, you probably would have only taken two. If you're the kind of person that would take more, the sign only encourages you. Because you're the kind of person that would take more, the sign only encourages you. Because you see the sign and you recognize like the judiciary, it has no means of enforcement. You know?

The teenage sons of bitches, they come up to your bucket and they're like, yeah, you in one army. I'm taking the fucking whole thing. And so you come back at the end of the night and the bucket is empty. But so what? That's the point. I can't get past that you put it at the end of your driveway. Oh, yeah.

I picked, like, it's supposed to be by the door. And, like, the further you put it from your door, like, the meaner you are. You might as well take all the candy and just throw it in the street. And they'll be like, there's your fucking candy, kids. Here's, yeah, because here's what the kids are experiencing. There's one amazingly lucky kid who walks up to Trick or Treat,

sees the bucket, cannot believe her eyes. Just a bucket of candy that says candy on it. She turns the sign over. It doesn't say only take one. She takes the entire bucket, dumps it into her bag, and then a hundred more kids walk by,

see a bucket that's empty that cruelly says candy on it. And they look every- How is your house not getting egged? If you saw a bucket that said candy and had nothing in it, how furious would you be? Giving me a lot to think about. A lot to think about. I guess no sign, maybe.

Just a sign that says, please be re-spookedful. And that's our show. I want to thank Emily Heller, Shea Serrano, Better Award, Nancy Pelosi, Carrie, we're thinking about you, and thank you to everybody at the Improv. Have a great night. Our theme song is written and performed by Sure Sure. Thanks to our designers, Jesse McLean and Jamie Skeel, for creating and running all of our visuals,

which you can't see because this is a podcast, and to our digital producers, Narmel Konian and Yale Freed, for filming and editing video each week so you can.