Lovett or Leave It - Criminalize Straight (Pride Special 2023!)

Episode Date: June 3, 2023

March into June, brick in hand, for this year’s Pride Show! We look back at a few infamous queer qriminals. Gay Branum and Irene Tu try to remember all the gay history we should have learned in school. Kel Cripe has some non-binary diktats because… they/thems the rules. Bernie Sanders (James Adomian) loves the gays but hates a parade. Danielle Perez and Gina Yashere review this year’s corporate Pride merch. And we spin the Rant Wheel with a little more sparkle than usual. 

Hey everybody, welcome to Love It or Leave It. To borrow a phrase from a dear friend of mine, we did it, Joe. Despite the best efforts of Lyle Lovett, John Lovett, and what I assume to be an evil twink in a Wuhan virology lab, this is Love It or or Lovett's 300th episode. This is also our Pride extravaganza. So if you see a queer

Lovett or Lovett staff member after the show, give them a tip, like stop starting sentences with as a queer woman, Hallie. Or stop playing easy to get, Brian. We have a big gay bash planned for you tonight. Kel Cripe is here to say, uh, hey, they, them's the rules. Danielle Perez and Gina Yashir

review the glorious Pride merch our corporate daddies have bestowed upon us. Bernie Sanders is here to tell us about his first Pride parade. And Guy Branum and Irene Too get quizzed on their queer history and some queer rants that James Adomian will swing on by for.

But first, let's get into it. What a week. On Thursday, President Biden slipped and fell to his knees while handing out diplomas to graduating Air Force cadets, but he's fine. We bid it, Joe. I have to say, he falls like a much younger man. Just like, kind of like the body shape in that suit coming down. He didn't look old in the fall.

People fall down. I think he fell as well as he could. I've been chastised for saying this before, but it's true. Biden needs to stop wearing Heelys. On Wednesday night, the bipartisan debt ceiling deal cleared the House with a vote of 314 to 117, setting the bill over to the Senate. This was honestly a blast, guys. Same thing in two years. Prior to voting for it, Marjorie Taylor Greene called the debt ceiling deal a shit sandwich, but indicated she would be open to it if it came with a side of fewer IRS agents. One of the sides, so to speak, that I would like to see with this shit sandwich is a way to completely wipe out the 87,000 IRS agents. We need a balanced budget, that's for sure. But we need dessert. Okay, everybody needs dessert. I'm a dessert girl.

for sure, but we need dessert. Okay? Everybody needs dessert. I'm a dessert girl. Everyone loves dessert. And that's impeachment. First of all, gotta hand it to Marjorie. I've never heard someone order a shit sandwich as part of a combo meal. Does that come with a drink? Oh, it's piss?

I'm gonna need CineStix. Meanwhile, House Speaker Kevin McCarthy praised the depraved Republican work requirements he's been pushing for. We might have a child that has no job, no dependents, but sitting on a couch. We're going to encourage that person to get a job and have to go to work,

which gives them worth and value. Back to the mines, children. Far-right Republicans were not thrilled with the deal, with far-right members of the Freedom Caucus threatening to oust Kevin McCarthy from the speakership. It used to be you had to read a bunch of analysis to figure out if Democrats got a good deal. Now you can just look outside and see if Matt Gaetz is loading Kevin McCarthy into a cannon. Also this week, we learned that former New Jersey Governor Chris Christie is set to announce his candidacy for president at a town hall event next Tuesday.

Former Vice President Mike Pence is also expected to announce next week that he is running for president in 2024. I'm going to run as hard as I can, like there's an angry mob of fascists who will kill me if they find me, said the vice president. I'm going to run so hard I wake up every morning screaming, take her, take her, not me. But night after night, it's a different woman in my life that I give up. President Trump confirmed in a speech this week that if elected, he would attempt to put an end to birthright citizenship on his first day in office. This is not something he can actually do due to the plain language of the 14th Amendment. But a few years ago, Trump was asked about this and he has a way out of it. He said, this is a real quote,

it was always told to me that you needed a constitutional amendment. Guess what? You don't. Great news, said a garrison of British soldiers demanding to sleep in your barn and slaughter your last cow just before the coldest winter months.

And at an event in Iowa this week, Trump criticized, of all things, the overuse of the word woke. It's gone sick. before the coldest winter months. And an event in Iowa this week. Trump criticized, of all things, the overuse of the word woke. It's gone sick. And I don't like the term woke because I hear woke, woke, woke. You know, it's like just a term that half the people can't even define it.

They don't know what it is. Trump went on, why don't they ever talk about any of the other mind viruses? Like the one I have, syphilis. While giving a commencement speech at Colorado College, Liz Cheney was subjected to a mass protest

by the graduating class, who turned their chairs around when Cheney spoke. But the joke's on them. Ha ha, now you have to look at me, said Dick Cheney, standing at the back of the arena. Got nowhere to turn. It's the worst Cheney this way. Fuck.

Anyway, loved their right to protest, but had no idea so many Colorado college students loved Trump. Brian was actually at the Colorado college graduation. That's true. You saw the protest. You updated us in real time. Yeah, I said, boo! Nice. How was the speech?

It sounded like ChatGPT wrote it. It was so boring. Cool. Minnesota Governor Tim Walz passed legislation this week that will legalize marijuana use in the state, terrifying to consider Minnesotans with the munchies. These people eat lutefisk dead sober. Where do they go from here? The Oklahoma Supreme Court this week

struck down two state laws banning abortion, finding that pregnant people have an inherent right to terminate a life-threatening pregnancy. More like, Whoa, Oklahoma. Okay. Am I right? Thanks. Wrote the wrote the justices,

no one in Oklahoma should die as a result of a forced pregnancy. That's what all the guns are for. The carpenters and architects charged with reconstructing the historic Notre Dame Cathedral after a massive fire destroyed the roof are paying homage to the building's history by using medieval techniques in its reconstruction. Experts say the smell of burning Huguenots should clear in the next week or two. Personally, I can't wait to see it. The original cathedral only took a century to build.

A century? What is this, modest improvements to LAX? What are they doing down there? I think they're using medieval techniques down there at the airport. If we burnt more Huguenots, maybe UberX could pick you up at the terminal. How many Protestants do I have to kill to get a fucking UberX to pick

me up at the terminal? Jesus Christ, because I'll do it. Chinese scientists, I want to talk about Protestants. Chinese scientists have begun drilling a 10,000-meter-deep hole in the Earth, the deepest hole China has ever attempted. So that's why Beijing's been ordering so much VCR cleaner. Happy Pride Month, everyone. The pauper's jokes are back. Anyway, have fun with your big hole losers. Our brilliant American scientists

are too busy focusing on the real issues, like making Doritos addictive and separately, making injections to make your pancreas hate Doritos. Meanwhile, New Zealand's National Airline has begun asking passengers to step on a scale after checking in for international flights. Here's an image of the scale.

For those at home, because this is a podcast, it's the Taylor uh scale that said fat from the original anti-hero video which they had to remove because of politics at the annual cheese race in gloucester england where a wheel of cheese is rolled down a hill and competitors chase it a woman managed to win even though she was knocked unconscious. Sure, she had fallen down, but her cheese had so much speed it was feta complete. When she awoke, the woman's first

words were, did I do gouda? On Tuesday, former Theranos founder Elizabeth Holmes reported to prison to start her 11-year sentence for fraud. When asked how she's feeling, Holmes replied, Bad. A URL on hundreds of thousands of Maryland license plates had recently begun redirecting to an online casino in the Philippines. You know, I've always thought it was a mistake that Maryland's state motto is bigmoneynow.biz.

In a video that went viral this week, customers at a Florida Dunkin' Donuts were charmed by a raccoon who approached the window and seemed to politely ask for a donut, which the employees provided. What in the world? My dude. He wants some Dunkin' Donuts. Don't hit him, don't hit him. What is he doing? Are they gonna give him a donut? Are they gonna give him a donut? Oh my God, do it. Throw him the donut.

Oh, look at him waiting! Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! I don't think there's anything cute about that. You shouldn't get special treatment just because you're the mayor. 83-year-old actor Al Pacino has revealed that his 29-year-old girlfriend is eight months pregnant with his fourth child. Here we go.

Say hello. I can't do it. You come on. It's like, I need something to get into it. Get like, grab me. We're straight.

Pretend you're straight. All right. Say hello to my little friend, a baby that will not know my voice. It was worth it. A Rochester fertility doctor who allegedly used his own sperm to impregnate several patients died over the weekend when the hand-built airplane he was riding fell apart in midair.

He died as he lived, not thinking his wackadoo plan all the way through. And finally, Kim Cattrall has been confirmed to make a cameo in season two of Sex and the City spinoffs, and just like that. Did you just find out about that from me? It's fitting this news was released during Pride Month, as Kim Cattrall famously threw the first brick at Sarah Jessica Parker's trailer. When we come back, we honor a gay criminal.

And we're back. The internet urges all of us to be gay and do crimes. And we here at Love It or Leave It are taking that literally this year, which is why we're going to talk about our favorite queer criminals with a segment called, we just called it Be Gay, Do Crimes. Well, snap your fingers for our first queer criminal, the Roman, nice. The Roman, Jesus. The Roman Emperor Hadrian.

On one hand, during his reign, the Roman military did many atrocities. On the other hand, connected to a significantly limper wrist, Hadrian also had a relationship with Antonis, and in AD 130 mourned Antonis' drowning death, weeping for him publicly. Hadrian's marriage to Sabina was not a happy one. Tell it to Debbie Reynolds, am I right, squirrel friends? Jesus.

This has been Love It or Leave It. Be gay, do crimes, brought to you by Elizabeth Holmes' new startup, Vampiris. Vampiris, mail me your blood to my prison. Don't ask any questions, you little fruits. We come back. Actual gay history. And we're back.

All right. Pride. It's for a lot of nonstop boning. Up on Gay History. Here to discuss the historical highlights and the down lowlights, it's the incredible Irene Tu and the wonderful Guy Branum. Hi. Hi. Come on out. I'm nervous. Nervous?'m nervous About what? Gay history Why?

I feel like I'm not going to know enough Also, just John, it rarely turns out well for us So I understand being worried about it That's a good point You both talk a big game, but can you talk a big gay? That's how I've chosen to describe the following quiz,

which I'm calling Gaincient History. Nice. In which I'll be hurling trivia at you about the queer past, fast and furious. Are you ready? Yes. Never been more ready. Hey, Guy.

Yes. Do you have a piece of gay trivia that I don't know about or they may not know about? Do you want me to say something real or a fun joke? How about we start with real? Okay. See how that plays. Okay. And maybe put a button on it.

You guys remember that Revolutionary War? You remember how we won? Yeah. Revolutionary War? You remember how we won? The dude who taught us how to win that war, the Baron von Steuben, while at Valley Forge, fucking two guys at the same time.

Benjamin North and somebody else who became something Walker. Maybe it was Benjamin Walker and something else North. Thing is, they went off, married ladies, and became congressmen. But he had a real good time with them, and he didn't settle down with any ladies because the Baron von Steuben, real fucking gay. Gay enough to get thrown out of two or three countries for it. That's cool. Have you ever been thrown out of a country

for being a gay soldier? No, but I've also not been to China since I've been gay. Oh. Well, you were gay when you were there. Oh, yeah, yeah.

You know what I mean? Well, I was like 10. Right, but still. I like to think of it as Schrodinger's lesbian. Yeah. You know? Yeah.

That makes sense. That makes sense. And the box is like beautifully furnished. Or is it? It's just very practical. Or is it? Do you have a piece of gay history that we don't know about?

It could be personal if you want. Yeah, I was going to say something personal then. I figured out I was gay when this girl told me it was funny. And I was like, oh. And that's also how I started doing comedy. And she's not gay. So I'm just hoping I get funny enough one day and then

she'll be gay. And it'll be like a full circle moment. Wow. That's pretty funny. Are you ready for some gay history questions? Yes. Yes. Question. The Sacred Band of Thebes was one of the most elite fighting forces of ancient Greece. Who comprised the army?

Your hint is that this is gay history. You want to go for it? No. I feel like you know the answer. You hit the buzzer. There's no buzzer here. You managed to buzz in. It was pairs of dudes who were lovers.

Yes. And somehow that's how we get the lambda for all of the things we use lambda for. Really? What? Like the letter? Like the letter? The letter? Yeah.

It's from them? Yeah. I don't know why. I could be wrong about that. I shouldn't be adding extra information I could be wrong about. It was 150 pairs of lovers, the older Erastes and the younger Euromanos. It means the thumb that goes over and the thumb that goes under.

Is that real? Yes. Oh, okay. Tops and bottoms. Yeah. Wow. They knew about that back then. They had that back then.

So cool. But not showers. Yeah, you had to be so gay. You had to just be gay. It had to just be irresistible. Irene, question for you. Okay. Frank Kameny is one of the most important figures in gay history, in American

gay history. Totally know who that is. He was fired from his government job. Okay. What did he do for the federal government? He printed money. He was an astronomer for the government. Oh, wow.

Wow. Yeah, during the Lavender Scare, he was fired, and he started one of the first gay organizations in the world. He didn't start it. He started the DC branch. He started the DC. All right, Brian, now we have a mic, so you can tell me I'm fucking dumb.

First time you're mic'd is the first time you're using it. You're wrong. You got this. Shut up. All right, question for either of you. What is the name of Rooney Mara's character in Carol? Oh, I should know this and I don't. Oh, God.

Rindy is the daughter and, like, Thwank is the husband. I don't remember. This makes me a really bad lesbian. It's like Clarice or Denise or something like that. Something like that. Yeah. Teresa. Teresa.

Therese. Therese. Irene. Don't give that to me. You can steal it. I've only seen it once. Yes. I've only seen the movie once.

I'm so sorry. Yeah. Have I seen Carol? Have you seen Carol? Well, you shook your head no, but I can't tell if that was a fake out. I haven't seen Carol? Have you seen Carol? Well, you shook your head no, but I can't tell if that was a fake out. I haven't seen Carol. You haven't seen Carol?

I haven't seen Carol and I haven't seen Tar. Oh, wow. I haven't seen Tar. What the fuck are you people doing? Yeah. I know, I know. John, I want to watch Tar with you so bad. John, 40 minutes into Tar,

will be physically fighting with me to get to stop watching it and then I'll have to overpower him and then at the hour 30 mark he's going to be like this is good it's that long it's so long I'm realizing that I have a problem

pressing play on Cate Blanchett movies oh yeah that's an X Problem pressing play on Cate Blanchett movies. Oh. I'm... Yeah. Fucking deal with it. That's an X. Deal with it. Fucking deal with it.

Did you at least watch Portrait of a Lady on Fire? Yes. What poet... What poet, evil twink, and eventual Nazi sympathizer eventually got Oscar Wilde arrested for sleeping with him? Oh, um, Bozy. Yes, that was his nickname. It was Lord Alfred Douglas. Yes.

Bozy. What was the name of the first lesbian civil and political rights organization in the United States? These are so hard. I don't think I'm gay anymore. Are we talking about the daughters of Bolitis? Jesus, guy. Wow.

These are so hard. These are really hard. In what country was the first lesbian magazine published? I'll give you a hint. And not for long. I'm going to guess here, America. No. No, no.

More like, oh. Is this a hint? Is it like Russia or something? Close. Oh. In a sense. It's more like, okay, I'll give you, what country was the first lesbian magazine published from 1924 to 1933?

Oh, Germany. Germany. What? That's why it was a hint. We've all seen Cabaret. It got real cool before it got real not cool. It was called

Die Frunden. What does that mean? Just lesbian? I think it means the friend. The street transvestite action revolutionaries was led by what famous queer icon who may or may not have thrown... We're talking about Sylvia Rivera here.

Yeah, you can... Or Marsha? Yeah, Marsha. Irene, I feel like here's the problem. And now that in hindsight, which is famously 2020, yeah. Um,

we know the normal amount of things you and me. Yeah. Yeah. And we're sitting here with Guy Branum. Who knows so many things. Who knows all the things. I mean, I was warned I was going to do queer history trivia,

but I thought it was like easy stuff. No, I did too. Yeah. I did too. When. I did too. When was the exact date of the Stonewall riots? Jesus! Guy? It's June of 1969.

I believe it's a single digit date. June 26th. June 26th. It's not a single digit date. Is it like June 9th? 28th. Oh, 28th. Sorry. Or July 3rd. I mean, it's Judy's birthday. Wait, but it was 1969? Nice. Hell yeah.

That one I'll remember. Wait, was it Judy's birthday or the day Judy died? It's the day Judy died. Sorry. Judy Garland? Yes, Judy Garland. Sorry, just people don't know who the fuck you're talking about. It's the gayest show. I said Judy, you know who I mean.

If I say Liza, you know it's with a Z and not Lisa with an S. On her sitcom, Ellen DeGeneres came out to this iconic actress. Oh, Anne Hay. No, no, I know the answer to this. Oh, God. Why?

Laura Dern. Yes. John tried to let her cheat, and Irene did not. That one I knew. That is the kind of lesbian chivalry I look for. Lesbian chivalry should be a name for something. I mean, it's pretty much what Top Chef is about. They're all gay.

Oh, wait, I threw the card with the outro on the ground. That's our show. That's not right. Oh, this one's blank. This one's just a... What happened? Brian, you have a mic. Read the end of the segment.

Sure do. And thank God. Thank you so much, Guy and Irene. Guy is on the very funny platonic on Apple TV, and Irene is embarking on her big day energy stand-up tour. Check out her site for dates. When we come back, they thems the rules. Oh, wait, I found it.

Thank you so much to Guy and Irene. All right, let's let it sit. Everybody watch Platonic. Everybody see Irene on tour. Alright, we are back. The look Brian gave me. Hey, don't go anywhere. There's more of

Love It or Leave It coming up. And we're back. This Pride, we wanted to take a moment to celebrate all the incredible, wonderful, talented, hilarious, non-binary people we fight beside in the struggle for liberation. But none of them were available today. Jesus!

So instead, we put Kel, Kripe, Kel, come on out! What a... I'm sorry about that. No, thanks. That was the kindest intro I've ever had. Handshake for a podcast. Hi, Kel. Hi, John.

It's good to see you. You too. I'm so excited to be telling you what to do now. Yeah. Because you're presenting new rules for Pride in a segment we're calling They Them's the Rules. And whatever you say, we have to abide by because, hey. They Them's the Rules. They Them's the Rules.

A segment we built around the phrase They Them's the Rules. Because it's like, you know, the phrase Them's the Rules. I've never heard of it. All right. Well, Kel phrase them's the rules. I've never heard of it. All right. Well, Kel, what's our first rule? Well, I just want to say also, if any of these sound kind of like personal bias, just please remember that they come from like a very elite society of a lot of people. They're fair and kind. Yeah.

What? Sure. That's helpful for people. Yeah, what? Sure. That's helpful for people. Yeah. For 100%. Yeah. So first rule, how about get off the goddamn sidewalk? No more lounging in the middle of the sidewalk when I got places to be, John.

Yeah. Listen, you can be in the middle of a a binary but you can't be in the middle of where I'm walking here. That's a great rule. Boom they them's the rules. Okay now I get it. Now you get it. Hey you ever been in a bathroom? Yeah.

You ever sit down and then you go on your phone and then you're in there for three hours? Yes. Now, new rule. Every bathroom has to play Boy Genius. Because I gotta get out before I start crying.

I can't have anyone hear me cry in the bathroom. Was that the end of that one? I think so. But don't you have to say it? How do we know it's the end of the... They, them's the rules. Okay, cool.

P.O., all right. How about this one? Every time you check something off your to-do list, you get a little treat subsidized by the federal government. It's hard to do tasks. So, hey, you paid rent? Brownie in the mail. You mopped your kitchen floors?

Brownie in the mail. You flossed? Yeah, right, you liar. No one does that anymore. It's 2023. Nobody does it. And hey, that reminds me of another rule. No more flossing. It's boring. Nobody does it. And hey, that reminds me of another rule. No more flossing.

It's boring. Say it with me. They them the rules. Now let's see here. Hey, new rule. And remember, this came from a big society. I'm allowed to eat little jams from the diners. I don't need bread, toast, anything.

I can put it on my hands. No rules. Stickiness is awesome. But the smartest people in the world, you know how they say the smartest people have the worst handwriting? Uh-huh. The absolute even smarter than those people

have the stickiest hands you can imagine. Just, I'm sorry. I don't mean to, I'm, you're. Something funny. No, no, no. I'm sorry. I don't mean to... Something funny. No, no, no. I just want to understand. Is that a new rule or is that just

your observation now? That's the rules. They, thems, that's the rules. They, thems, that's the rules for sure. But are you saying on a go-forward basis the stickiness

or is that what you're saying we come into this with? It's always been that and now we have to pay attention to it. Cool. And hey, speaking of, do you ever watch TV? Yeah, from time to time.

Not anymore, John. Time's got to pause. Primarily, RuPaul's got to pause because I'm on season nine. That one's for me. That one was for me. I just want to watch more, but there's too much. They them the rules. Hey,

new rule tied to a business. Chipotle quesadillas, way cheaper. They gotta be way cheaper. Ten dollars? What? Their tortillas are free. I'm paying $10 for some cheese. And speaking of new rule,

John pays for all of my food. Again, that one came from the society, but it's just for me. They them's the rules. That's the rule. That's it. They them's the rules. That's the rule. That's it. They them's the rules. This one, you know, they say an hour before bed, get off the phone.

Done. Actually, now you got to watch at least two hours of YouTube video essays before you go to sleep. Primarily conspiracy based. I don't have enough people to talk to about what I'm observing. Is that... They've amped the rules. I didn't know if the rules... It's hard to know sometimes when the rules end.

Yes. There's a lot of... There's sub-rules. You know they have sub rules. There's sub rules. Sub rules. Sections and so forth. New rule.

Things that aren't cake aren't allowed to be cake anymore. That's a good one. I'm too gullible out here. It's freaking me out. It's scary. No more shoes that are actually cake. I've got too messy my feet. They've got the rules.

Hey, you ever been to Whole Foods? Yeah, I've been to Whole Foods. Yeah, it's no longer called stealing from Whole Foods. It's called minding your business. It's called minding your business. It's called minding your business. I'm allowed to do that. Who cares? Period.

And also, who's going to notice? Period. It's my right. They, them, the rules. They, them, the rules. Let's see what we got here. They sent me over the long task. This one, it's going to sound complicated, but it's really not.

This one, it's small little tattoos. Small little tattoos everywhere. They, them, the rules. That one spoke for itself. This one we touched on briefly, but it gets a little more specific here, which is everyone's got to increase their screen time so I can feel better about mine.

They them's the rules. You want to do one more? Yes. Everyone has to have an obscure collection of tiny little things, but they have to admit that mine's the best. Do you want to know what it is? Yeah, I do.

Hot wheels and little sticks. Okay. You know what? They them the rules. Kel Cripe, everybody. Don't break any of them. Go check out Babe Motel Sketch Comedy. It's awesome.

Love, Kel. We come back. Another gay villain. And we're back. Tonight, love it or leave it, remembers notorious gay murderers Leopold and Loeb

The sugar and spice of the 1920s These two really knew how to slay Literally These two white rich University of Chicago students Famously kidnapped and murdered Bobby Franks In an effort to commit the perfect crime Talk about the one double team I wouldn't want to take on. Leopold and Loeb were later sentenced to life in prison,

where Loeb was murdered by a fellow prisoner. To quote my favorite Loeb, Lisa, I thought I'd live forever, but now I'm not so sure. Enjoy the kiki in hell, gentlemen. Because of the murder, of course, not the gay part, which again remains... Sly. This installment of BK Do Crimes

was brought to you by Chick-fil-A. Chick-fil-A. Oh, fuck, now conservatives are turning on us for having a diversity executive? Quick, pivot to the queers. What, they're keto? Thank you. We come back.

Bernie Sanders. And we come back, Bernie Sanders. And we're back. Pride Month. It's a time for queer people to come together, mainline vodka sodas, and celebrate our community like nobody's watching. The bad news is straight people are often watching. The good news is some of them are fine and even brought a snack. Tonight, I'm excited to talk to just one such straight person.

Please welcome one of Love It or Leave It's favorite returning allies, it's Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders. Senator, it's great to see you as always. Well, bear with me, John. I think there's glitter in my mouth and eyes. I came here straight from the Pride Parade. Straight as in directly, not as in heterosexual. No, no, yeah, yeah.

We knew what you meant. Well, I happen to be heterosexual, of course. But it would be completely fine if I were something else. I mean, my wife, Jane, she might have some feelings about me. Not because she's a homophobe. Let's be clear about that. Hey, Bernie, you can relax. We know you're cool.

I am sorry, John. I am not at my most fabulous, as you and your friends might say. The glitter has worked its way back into my sinus cavity. Look, and when I say that, what I mean is I'm going to start talking. I have been very clear on this issue for many years. I am a staunch ally of the LGBT community.

But I am also resolutely anti-parade. There is too much noise. You can barely hear yourself complain about this nation's obscene wealth inequality. Yes, I noticed you're not wearing traditional pride attire. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I do not own a leather harness or a midriff bearing. What do you call them? A twink top.

You mean a tank top. If you say so. I'm not the expert here. I'm swimming out of my depth. Okay. By the way, a perfectly fine way to dress if one is so inclined. I saw many such items on many hot bods,

so to speak, but this is a Land's End parka I purchased in 1986 for 30% off. But Senator, it's June in Los Angeles. Well, what about Bernie Sanders says body and or sex positive to you? It is an all season parka, John. And in the summer, I wear nothing underneath and I'm ready to hit the beach.

Well. Or Lake Champlain. Yeah, beautiful. But I think it's really great of you to come out here and show your support. I see what you did there with the come out here and show your support. I support the gay community with all my heart.

Even if I don't understand everything that goes on. Men in very small shorts kept asking me if I was a top or a bottom. Can you believe that? Yes, I can. The only tops that I know about are the top

1% of the top 1%. Of the top 1%, John. I don't care if you're gay, straight, or Lindsey Graham. These billionaires pardon my language, these billionaires are screwing the rest of us,

and I, for one, do not take any slay. Okay. So, just to be clear, you're saying you're a bottom. You better believe I'm a bottom. We are all bottoms. And let me just say this, and when I say that, what I mean is there's going to be a speech.

When we bottoms all come together, we can take back the power from the people who are at the top. Sounds like what you're saying, Senator Sanders, is that that would make us power bottoms. Power bottoms, yes, I like that, John. That's good. I, Bernie Sanders, believe that we all must embrace our inner nature as power bottoms. I love it. I love it. Absolutely. Absolutely.

And by the way, we as the American Power Bottoms can't count on big corporations to have our backs. Look at what has happened just this year. We're voracious to have our backs. Look at what has happened just this year. Target, where I buy my facial tissues in bulk, caved to a mob of violent right-wing no-good nicks and pulled some of their pride merchandise. The Dodgers, who should have stayed in Brooklyn. Okay.

They uninvited and then re-invited the same drag nuns based on who was making more noise about it. What kind of moral backbone is that? This is what happens when people leave the East Coast. All right. Senator, Senator, the Dodgers have been in L.A. since 1958. And look at what it's done to them. Okay.

Then you have Walgreens, where I used to buy my non-bulk facial tissues. 58. And look at what it's done to me. Okay. Then you have Walgreens, where I used to buy my non-bulk facial tissues. You know, the pocket part. The pocket part. The little pocket parts. Announcing that it will not distribute abortion pills in 21 states. The corporations are not our friends, John. No matter how many branded ball g, Capital One is handing out at the parade. What's in your wallet?

I don't know about you, but Capital One is certainly not in mine. They're handing out ball gags this year? That's exciting. It came in handy. I used it as a stress ball when a man wearing a fireman's hat and nothing else tried to loop me into a colony of Ray Jepsen dance halls. That is unbelievable. First of all, that's amazing.

I would love to see that, but that's unbelievable. How are you having a gay trying to loop me into a colony, Ray Jepsen dance-off. That is unbelievable. First of all, that's amazing. I'd love to see that, but that's unbelievable. How are you having a gayer pride than me? Come on, John. Calm down. It's just June 1st. You got time. It's all right.

It's okay. It's a long month. It's a long month. It's a 30-day month. Bernie's not going to have a good time. You can handle a 30. If it's 31, you might be difficult. Yeah, I might lose it.

30 days, I got time. I can get it done. John, I firmly believe that every LGBTQ person should be able to live exactly the life they want. And also, I have never had a worse time. Anyway, don't get me wrong. It's better to have these companies celebrating pride than not.

Even if Bank of America rainbow fedoras do not suit me personally. Okay, well, the corporations are not our friends, but what about the celebrities? Well, there's the actor. The actor who superglued himself to the Starbucks. He seems okay. James Cromwell. That's right. That's the only Cromwell in all of history that I will get behind.

Okay. Nice. I could see myself going for a bowl of soup with that guy. Not an interregnum guy. You like dancing, huh? Look, look, I'm sorry, John. I'm doing my best. I'm an ally get myself going for a bowl of soup with that guy. Not an interregnum guy. You like dancing, huh? Look, look, I'm sorry, John. I'm doing my best. I'm an ally. When I was mayor of Burlington, we held the first pride parade in the city's history.

And I even signed a proclamation declaring it a gay and lesbian pride day. Oh, that's great. Nobody told me about trans back then, but if I had known about trans people, I would have supported them. You believe me, right, John? 100%, yes, I believe you. Okay, all right. As long as I'm believed. Yeah, you're believed.

And if you knew about trans, you'd have supported trans. Thank you. You reiterated what I just said. Yeah, I was trying to get to this next sentence. Okay, thank you. Bernie Sanders, everybody. I will see you all at the Dyke March,

wear sunscreen, and keep your pit bull on a leash. James Adomian, everybody. Come on. And we're back. And finally, Love It or Leave It presents the greatest queer criminal of them all, Sam Brinton, the non-binary, now former Biden administration nuclear official who was just arrested on May 18th for grand larceny. This absolute icon stole our hearts as well as thousands of dollars worth of luggage from Las Vegas' Harry Reid International, D.C.'s Ronald Reagan National, and Minneapolis-St. Paul's International airports. And if that wasn't cunt enough,

they also wore the clothes they stole to public events, events they attended as a path-breaking non-binary government official. There are photos. Some might have felt chastened opening a suitcase to find beautiful, one-of-a-kind designer clothes by a Tanzanian designer, and which were very clearly not by or for you, but not our Sam. The whole world's your runway when you're a brazen kleptomaniac. Sam, and this is real, you have an open invitation to come on this show.

We love you, we support you, and we will check your bags when you leave. That's been the final installment of Be Gay, Do Crimes. We can't get enough of this. What an amazing move. There are profiles about you as a first one-of-a-kind, path-breaking, non-binary government official. You're doing photo shoots, and then you're going to the airport

and just taking suitcases, opening them up, and wearing what's inside to other public events where you're being photographed? That is so cool. The final installment of Be Gay, Do Crimes is brought to you by the Roman Catholic Church.

The Roman Catholic Church. Hey, look over there. When we come back, merch. Don't go anywhere. This is Love It or Leave It, and there's more on the way. And we're back! Boy, remember last year's Pride? Postmates, bottom-friendly menus as far as the eye could see?

Sure feels different now, doesn't it? Here to roast this June's crop of new corporate Pride gestures and talk about how much difference a year makes in America, it's the wonderful Danielle Perez and Jeannie Yashere. Corporate pride. Okay. Warms your heart. Oh, yeah. Really warms the cockles. Oh, I like hearing that accent say warms the cockles.

Which is not a cock. I don't even know what a cockle is, but it just sounds vaguely British. What is it? The cockles of your heart. It does sound vaguely British. What is not a cock. I don't even know what a cockle is, but it just sounds vaguely British. What is it? The cockles of your heart. It does sound vaguely British. What is the cockles? I have no fucking idea. It's just a saying that we've been saying forever. It's like a little clam. I feel like the cockles, it's a fishy thing.

It's the bunion on the bottom of the foot. No, I think. It's like, it's here. Yeah, but why would you warm a bunion on the bottom of your foot? So that it warms the body. Heat rises. It's been a long time since I've had feet. I just assume I...

Hey, Danielle, and I mean this with all due respect, please do not appropriate foot culture. That is our culture. Your culture is not a costume. Well, this took a turn. Danielle, how do you feel about corporate pride? I like money.

Cool. I think money is good. Well, corporations are people, you know. Are they? Per the government, per the Supreme Court, right? Yeah. All right. Okay.

This isn't a state of the union. Guy, is that you correcting us? No. But get that money while June is happening. Speaking of, it wouldn't be pride without the good, the bad, and the extremely confusing. Gina and Danielle, are you ready to weigh in on this year's corporate gestures of solidarity slash moneymaking? In a segment we're calling the Tostitos Motorola Bank of America Yas Queen-a-thon Corporate Pride Review Sis, brought to you by PetSmart in partnership with Wendy's.

We love helpful Honda people. All right, first up, we have Live Laugh Lesbian from Target. That is real. Live Laugh Lesbian. Live Laugh Lesbian. So we're living, we're laughing, we're lesbian-ing.

Yeah. If that's what you want. And it's pink. And it is pink. Very pink. Not all vaginas are pink. I'm just saying. And I'm always saying that.

I mean, I do like the triple L's. It's like la la la la, la la la la, live, laugh, lesbian. I like it. No, I don't. I don't. I really don't. It's shit. We think it's shit. It's just a bunch of words. I don't know a single lesbian who's really into live, laugh. What?

That's a tough but fair hit. I feel like all the lesbians in my life want to lie down. I mean, that is a very feminine, very sort of lipstick lesbian type T-shirt. I don't think I'd wear that, but who knows? Somebody might. You know what? That's for someone's mom. You know what I mean?

Some young lesbian came out and their mom was like, I support you. I will not stand up to grandma during Thanksgiving, but I will buy this shirt from Target. Next up, we have North Face's drag spokesperson, Patty Gonia.

Nature lets you be who you are. Even gay. Hi! Oh, wow. Ladies and gentlemen, you are cordially invited to the Summer of Pride with my friends at the North Face. We're traveling all the gay across America, and everyone's invited. That means you. Me.

And you. Hello. And you. Wow. Not you, though. You're too cute. Ten out of ten, no notes. I mean, fuck me, that tent dress is amazing. Yes, for those listening, the dress is a tent.

It's a tent. It's inviting you to come in. Get in there. Yeah, get in there. You definitely get in there and just sort of hang out and warm yourself under the testicles. I think it's a great... Another famous pride saying,

warm yourself under the testicles. Warm yourself under the testicles. Warm the cockles of your heart, warm yourself under the testicles. I think it's a great... Another famous pride saying, warm yourself under the testicles. Warm yourself under the testicles. Warm the cockles of your heart, warm yourself under the testicles. Exactly. I mean, I'm speechless. I mean, it's pretty cool. I mean, the Caribbean earrings,

I mean, the whole shit. They really thought through every detail. I mean, it's pretty brilliant. It is. Way to go, North Face. They nailed it. They did. They nailed it.

There's probably a nail in there somewhere. It's holding down the tank, keeping it from blowing away. All right, next up we have Apple's Pride Apple Watch. Oh, no. Oh, come on. This is ugly. So you know it's definitely not gay. So they just poured a bunch of jelly beans over the phone. That is ugly. So you know it's definitely not gay. So they just poured a bunch of jelly beans over the phone.

That is rubbish. I had a... How much is that? Like, how much money are they expecting people to pay for that? I don't know. For that ugly... Come on, you Apple cultists will pay anything they ask you to. You freaks.

I wore an Apple watch for a day, and then I said, no, thank you. I don't need another place for this. I have it in my pocket. I don't need another screen to tell me that I've been texted by a politician saying it's an emergency, and they need money now,

so that I can go on my phone and say, stop, and they say, we won't. You know? All right, let's see what's next. We've got gray Skittles. Oh. Why? I think because it's like, oh, my God, imagine the world without us.

Oh. Oh. Oh, said a gay voice to itself. Oh, I just thought they took all the Skittles and just got gay people to suck all the color off and then put them back in the bag. This Skittle. That's kind of gross.

Yeah, that would be gross. It's interesting where you want more mouth action and where you want less. Next up, we have Cole's Shoes that spell out all the letters in LGBTQIA+. Well, John's already told me I'm not allowed to speak on this. I'm not allowed to speak on this. Cole's is getting attacked by conservatives.

I'm actually liking the shoes. I like the shoes. I think they look pretty cool. I would the shoes. I think they look pretty cool. I would rock those. I mean, Kohl's. What's wrong with Kohl's? Too good for Kohl's now? Yes.

Okay. But the shoes are cool. I would rock those shoes. I would too. Shout out Kohl's. Yeah, nice one, Kohl's. Danielle, what do you think? If I could, I would.

Yeah, nice one, Coles. Danielle, what do you think? If I could, I would. Next up, we have a gnarly Walmart pride shower curtain. Oh, Jesus. Oh, come on. That's no effort. No effort, Walmart. No effort.

Also, who fucking has seasonal shower curtains? What kind of fucking freaks are taking down shower curtains and putting them back up month to month? Come on. That looks like it was created on like Society6. Like, you know, you make one print and then you just put it on a mug, on a bath mat, on a shower curtain. I have to say that rainbow is lackluster. It just stinks.

Walmart, this stinks. But on the other hand, this Walmart Sorry I Can't I'm Gay t-shirt is good. That is good. That's really good. Sorry I Can't I'm Gay.

I don't get it. I can't what? I just can't. I can't. I simply can't. It's like, basically, your get out of jail free card. Like, I'm sorry I can't, I'm can't. It's like basically you're got out of jail free card. I'm sorry, I can't.

I'm gay. It's rubbish. I feel like you can read it in two ways. One could be just like to the world, right? Sorry, I can't. I'm gay. Or it could be like, sorry, I can't. I'm gay.

You know what I mean? Like it could be a no to everything or it could be a no to one thing. And you're not in on it. You're not. This is not for you. You don't like us. No. You know what I don't like about it?

I'm done with the fake distress thing. Like, it's enough. I don't believe this was painted a century ago. You know what I mean? Let's stop pretending. Every fucking place. You know what? I figured out what my rant is for today.

Let's keep going. Next up. Did you just make it a lesbian shirt and just leave out the I'm gay and just go, sorry, I cunt. That would be a lot more fun as a shirt. There you go, Gina. That's pretty good.

Sorry, I can't. I'm live, laugh, lesbian-ing. We have Hot Topic's gay Gandalf shirt. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us. What makes that gay? That's true for everybody. I guess he's gay. He's gay. The actor.

Oh, the actor? Oh, he's gay? Ian McKellen's gay. Is that even Ian McKellen's face? It looks... I can't... No. It's a no. Just a no. It's a no, Gandalf. This shall not pass. Next up, we have a Spencer's We're All Going to Hell, It's the Hottest Gay Club shirt.

We're All Going to Hell, It's the Hottest Gay Club. That's cool. That's kind of funny. I like that. I like that. I'm super into that. I mean, all the devils are pink and white people, though. Where's kind of funny. I like that. I like that. I'm super into that. I mean, all the devils are pink and white people, though. Where's the black devil?

Right. But other than that, it's pretty cool. I can't wait to see a little 12-year-old work rock in this. That thought brings me so much joy. And why are they all wearing bikinis? As a lesbian, I find that offensive. Wow. Well, we'll let them know. We have some notes.inis? As a lesbian, I find that offensive. Wow. We'll let them know. We have some notes.

We like the concept. But I like the concept. We like the concept. I like it. Get us next year. And finally, this incredible conservative Pride Month demon poster, which was genuinely meant to be hateful, in which which is better than 90% of the Pride merch that was made on purpose.

That's kind of fun. As Nori Reid, a friend of the show, said on Twitter. So basically for those at home, if you notice the word, for those at home, Pride Month, the end of pride and the beginning of month can spell the word demon, which is so cool. And I can't believe we never noticed this before. I would wear that shit. And shame on all of us,

by the way, for letting some fucking freak figure this out. This has been sitting there since the beginning of fucking Pride. Ever since we declared it a month, Pride month has had the word demon sitting inside of it. And it took some jerk trying to put

a stick in our eye. But now, but there are so many other combinations. If we separate the P, it could be P-Ride month for lesbians. I love it! Love it! I'm getting that shirt. Yes.

Come on! I love it. P-Ride month! We're doing it. Now, before we go, look, we've had a lot of fun at the expense of Pride merch. Please go to crooked.com slash store where you can find the very shirt I'm wearing, which is good.

Can we prove it? I like it. It says criminalized straight. Yes! Actually, I would say genuinely, this is like the best Pride merch we've ever made in like the history of this company. We're very proud of it.

It's an amazing collection. And a portion of the proceeds is going to our fuck bands, colon, leave queer kids alone, you absolute freaks, fund. So go check that out. Yeah! Thank you so much to Danielle and Gina. Danielle is in the new Into the Spider-Verse movie.

Come on. That is cool as shit. I'm so excited for you. That's awesome. And Gina's about to hit the road on her Woman King of Comedy multi-tour and

season five of her show Bob Hart's Abishola will be out soon. When we come back, The Rat Wheel. All right. And we're back to Rant Wheel. All right. And we're back. What happens

when a mysterious stranger comes to town with a wild idea that weed can solve all of a city's problems? That's the question of Dreamtown, the story of Adelanto,

Crooked's newest podcast and an official selection at the Tribeca Festival. Pretty good. We have a sneak peek of this awesome show right now. Adelanto is a city with unlimited possibilities. This is Jermaine Wright, an Adelanto City Council member who ran for mayor back in 2014. That was also the year that Jermaine met the man who would challenge the future of Adelanto and eventually change his life forever. Jermaine was driving near his home

when he noticed a guy with long hair and a scraggly beard on the side of the road. And he was messing with one of Jermaine's campaign signs. I'm like, uh, who are you? The stranger said his name was Johnny Bug Woodard Jr. And I'm like, okay. And he just looked like, to me, an old hippie. Yeah, I think I was fixing his sign, maybe.

I'm not sure, but we came up to each other. That's when Bug told Jermaine about his big idea to save Adelanto from bankruptcy by legalizing commercial weed cultivation, something no city in Southern California had ever done before. He goes, you ain't got a chance in hell now. It's good luck. I went, well, good luck to you too, Jermaine.

Sometimes, out here in the West, a stranger comes to town and saves the city from whatever peril is threatening the townspeople. And sometimes, a stranger comes to town disguised as a savior, but turns out to be just another grifter. Subscribe to Dreamtown now to hear more bonus content before it's premiere on June 7th, wherever you get your podcasts. Now, as everybody here knows, the trans community is under attack by right-wing politicians across the country. They're a loud, wrong minority, like Bruno Mars fans. Or people who blame flight attendants for the delay. In reality, there's never been more support for gay, trans, and queer youth than right now, and it's up to us to make that true. So, Vote Save America has launched our Fuck Bans,

Leave Queer Kids Alone Fund. This month, Crooked is trying to raise $50,000. We're going to fucking hit that. We're going to hit that shit pretty goddamn quick. It's going to support groups on the ground in states that are banning care and targeting trans families, including organizations like the Transgender Law Center, the Trans Justice Funding Project,

and the Trans Youth Equality Foundation. If you're interested in chipping in, head to votesaveamerica.com slash fuckmans to donate, and you can fight back against the GOP's biggest creeps, and really help. We're focusing on organizations that are helping right now on the ground and supporting trans people right now on the ground and organizations that are doing the organizing we need to fight back.

So it's a really great cause, and we're going to try to raise as much money as we can all throughout Pride and after. And also, the Love It or Leave It tour, the tickets are on sale, and a portion of every ticket is also going to go to the fund, and we're going to be raising money at every tour stop. So please help us. Go to votesaveamerica.com slash fuckfans.

Alright. Now it's time for the rant wheel. Here's how it works. This week on the wheel, we have a bunch of topics. Literally none of us submitted our rants in time, so it just says our names on it, which is iconic queer behavior. Wait, wait, but it's a random wheel

where wherever it lands it just happens to be what we talk about, right? Yeah. Okay. But we didn't do it in time. Right. Okay. Thank you. No, I understand the point you're making. Sure. Is there any other premise of the show you want to attack? No.

As a guest? Hold on, hold on. Is this thing on? Because there's not enough laughs coming. Is that what I was saying? Let's spin the wheel take this shit it has landed on oh you know what

Irene thank you for submitting a rant in advance it has landed on I was like that one's mine Taylor it has landed on

Taylor Swift's mystery queerness. Boo. Who's booed? Michelle Bachman's here. You're on. Oh, well, I don't know. Are we booing that she's still in the closet? Because that's correct.

Yes. If we're booing that she's queer, get out of this show. What are you doing here? It's Pride Month. Another pride has come. It's not gone yet. She still has time to come out and make all of our days.

I don't know why she's not coming out. She's dropped so many hints. She wore that bisexual colored wig in You Need to Calm Down. She had her weird, she's my best friend thing with Karlie Kloss. They definitely dated. They haven't spoken, I think, since. As gay people, I feel like we've given her so much money. We're at all of her concerts.

We have TikToks just based around how she's queer and she refuses to come out. I'm like, she keeps saying she's not part of the community, but she wants to help. And I'm like, the best thing you could do to help us is to come out you know well if if you know if

I mean like you know we know right like when you know you know I didn't know we wanted her that much I mean if she wants to be straight, that's fine. But like, I thought she wanted to be cool. You know?

Yeah. There's still time. What if this is what pushes her over the edge? She's unwinding. Is that fine, Irene. Let's spin it again. Well, Megan spelt wrong for a start. That's my OCD.

It has landed on Substack. Or Harry and Meghan. What do you want to rant about? Well, I turned in two things ahead of the deadline, but apparently they got on two different lists. Which one do you want to hear? Substack or Harry and Meghan? Harry and Meghan!

We make this louder. Okay, folks. I am tired of hearing about Harry and Meghan. I know they're the good guys. I know they're the good guys. I know they're the good guys. I already know that. But my problem is that they don't seem to be moving on in the story at all. And they're still like this, we should have had, they did this to me.

You escaped! You're in California now! You should, you'd be doing California things. You almost have enough money to afford a house in Los Angeles. Maybe you need a cosigner at this point. I don't know. But do some British California people things. Start a winery.

Don't name it after something royal. Call it like the Galaxy Winery or whatever. You could take over an island. There's three islands around Catalina that nobody does anything with. Just sitting there. You should, you know, slake your thirst. Here's my question.

Have Harry and Meghan ever dropped acid and listened to Pink Floyd? That's a different kind of British experience than I think they're used to. Harry and Meghan ever dropped acid and listened to Pink Floyd. That's a different kind of British experience than I think they're used to. Become those kinds of L.A. Brits. Let's do it. I know you're in Santa Barbara. I'm just bringing you into L.A.

That's all I have to say. I agree. It's time to move the story forward. They didn't want you. You're out. It's like after a while. So now just become like, become communist. How about that?

Become fucking communist. They used to be British Royals. Tempt the MI6 to assassinate you. Try that. What a fucking, what a run. It's like, how long after being rescued by Mario

can the princess still be complaining about Koopas? You know what I'm saying? Right, right. Don't give them that power. You used to be in Koopas' palace. No, you don't understand. Bowser, thank you. You don't understand.

The fire ones went in a circle. No, you live in a mushroom paradise now. You're in the Starland. You just get to jump up and down the stars. Let's spin it again. It has landed on my rant. I'm going to rant about two topics now

and I'm going to put them together. The first topic is mustaches. The second is James being mean to me. We hear a lot about the woke mind virus, you know, and that's serious, and it's a problem. I have to say, if you start thinking about mustaches as a contagious psychological condition that spreads from person

to person provide some clarity also I do nothing but compliment James Adobian every time he's on this show I make a point of it I stop to say how smart and funny and quick he is and how intimidated I am by the talent he brings to the stage

every single time and every single time I do that the nicer I am and quick he is and how intimidated I am by the talent he brings to the stage every single time. And every single time I do that, the nicer I am, the harder he is on me. And what I realize now is that has nothing to do with me. That has to do with you. Here's

50 bucks. Let's spin it again. Who has 50s? Are you an old-timey fucking... What are you? Are we going to the Copa after this? What's wrong with you? A $50 bill? Did you go inside of a bank?

Nobody has change for $100. What the fuck? You get an actual $50 bill? Are you my grandpa? Are you my grandpa on Hanukkah? Are overcompensating after misgendering? Kel, I believe this was

yours. Yes, so misgendering, you know, we're all aware of it. It's as the saying goes awkward for everyone involved right um and for my rant i'm specifically talking about the accidental the non-intentional the slip-ups we're all capable of but what i think we don't focus on enough is those beautiful moments right after where you will see a version of someone you've never seen before and I've I've narrowed it down to three typical responses I get the first one uh was done by my mom and it was a series of sounds I've never heard it was like it was like she's in the

oh I'll go oh oh oh oh oh oh, it's so hard, I'm trying, I'm trying. And then the second, it's one of my best pals, you know, she's got my back harder than anybody. She does this thing where it might happen and she like yassifies herself immediately. So it'll be like, she's over there. Slay, slay, slay. Boots, boots. I love you.

You are royalty. Which feels pretty good. And then the last one is just someone kind of going too hard at wanting to make sure you know that they care about you. That it was an accident. So it would be like, oh, she... I will name my child after you. And I just want to say it's really funny. And then if you're ever wondering, sincere moment, what to do,

just like play it cool. Or do the... Let's spin it again. And it on. Danielle's rant, it says here, no one is hooking up with me. Yeah. That's a problem, okay?

It's Pride Month. I'm queer, and I'm taking it very personally. It feels incredibly homophobic. I know I have stiletto gel-x extensions, but let me tell you, I know how to use them, okay? I am skilled, I am adept. It's just look i asked out a non-binary person and then they canceled on me to do a self-tape we're in the middle of a strike you know what i'm saying so this pride month be gay do crime hook up with me do crime, hook up with me. And just to be clear for those listening at home, Danielle's titties are three-dimensional currently.

Like, they are very near me right now, and she's not that near me, and it's pretty cool. Let's spin it again. It has landed on Guy's rant, Bethany Frankel's capacity for human connection. No, John, I will not be discussing Bethany Frankel's capacity for human connection. I will be discussing the other topic I gave you because I need to warn America about a public health emergency. Oh, we were afraid this might happen.

John, I ask you, what is the preferred activity of queer men during the summer months? What is the preferred activity of queer men during summer months? Sodomy. Somebody said sodomy that you will receive credit for that. I'm talking about pool parties, John. for that. I'm talking about pool parties, John. Pool parties. I'm talking about pool parties. Now I ask you, John,

now I ask you, John, the vast majority of gay men at those pool parties, what will they be drinking? Vodka sodas. Vodka sodas with what on it, John? A lemon or a lime. A lemon or a lime.

I'm here to talk about phytophotodermatitis. Did you know if you rub citrus juice or other plant matter on yourself and expose yourself to the sun, you can get horrifying chemical burns? I learned this on Memorial Day three years ago. I drank a simple vodka soda, as one does.

I pool partied, as one does. Also, I, like, cut a lemon, and then I rubbed my hand across my stomach, as a fat person does. And I got a horrifying hand-shaped burn on my stomach. It was scarring. Emotionally, it took me three years to get past it. And then, this past Memorial Day,

I did the same fucking thing. So, queers out there, I just want to tell you, before you go out and show your beautiful body to the sun, please make sure that you have no remnants of the citrus, carrot, or mulberry families on your hands.

Emily's on your hands. Now, I just want to try that shit now and see if it happens to black people. Now I need to know if I'm going to get a light burn on my head. I'm so doing that shit this summer. I just have one question. Was your hands making a certain gesture when you had the burn?

No, it was just fully visible, a thumb and three fingers on my stomach for two years afterwards. What? Because the pinky was politely under the... The pinky was politely up. I'm a gay man. Just holding a teacup.

I mean, but what a weapon of mass destruction to, like, leverage this pride. Just your greatest enemy, your dearest frenemy, take a lime, crush it in your hands, and just mark them. Oh, no. Wow, that's what happens.

That's what happened in Wuhan. Just don't masturbate in the sun after drinking lemon juice. That's what I thought you were going to say. The whole time I was like, oh no, he burned that. Guy, you made the right call. Nobody wanted to hear the Bethany Franco one.

They wanted the lemon skin thing. Let's spin again. Why are we spinning? I'm the only person left. You know, I'll tell you something. We never crack the theory of the rant wheel. Gina, your rant is about people assuming lesbians love cats. Yes, I am of the lesbo variety.

And people assume that because I'm a gay woman that I like cats. I fucking don't. Cats are creepy. They are awful creatures. They are awful. They are disdainful of human beings. They hate us. They hate us.

They, like, I've got, some of my best lesbian friends have cats. It's awful. And they look at you and they go, listen, I know you own me. I don't like you. If you die tomorrow in our apartment, I would eat your fucking face. I would. They don't give a shit. They don't care. And my friends are always screaming at their cats as well. You can't train them. Like a dog, you can kick it in the face and it will know. I'm playing. I love dogs.

I love my dog. You can't train cats. They look at you like, you can't train me. I'm a fucking cat. You're a dickhead. I don't like you. They'll be jumping up on the furniture and scratching the tv and stuff and you'll go and you'll say to the cat stop scratching the tv and the cow look at you and go what you mean this tv they're horrible creatures that's all i'm saying i don't like cats i'm very afraid of toxoplasmosis gondii what's that that's cats.

I'm very afraid of Toxoplasmosis gondii. What's that? Is that a cat disease? Yes. It's a cat disease that's a parasite, but the way its life cycle works is

that it has to reproduce in the stomachs of cats. This is a great way to end the show. But the way it does that is by going into mice, and it

makes the mice, has a mental effect on the mice that makes them daring and less afraid of cats so that the mice will run out of their little hidey holes and get eaten by the cats so that the life cycle can continue. The problem is it has subtly a similar effect on people. If a person has it, it makes them worse drivers because it makes them more reckless. It has the same effect on people. The same thing that drives a mouse

to be like, I'm going to go say hi to that fucking cat. It makes a person go, I can go as fast as I want. John, we're in a strike. You're not allowed to be pitching

on another season of The Last of Us. What's the disease called? Toxoplasmosis gondii. I think this is what has caused me to come on the show so many times.

You son of a bitch. You son of a bitch. You son of a bitch. Come on. Come on. What a killer. What a killer. He knew we had to get us out. He got us out.

We come back. We'll end on a high note. And we're back. Because we all need it this week. Here it is. The high note. Hey, love it. This is Carl from Omaha, longtime listener.

And if this comes out on the June 3rd podcast, then this is the day that I will get to marry the person that has become my absolute best friend. We started dating in the pandemic, and now I get to marry him, and he's following me to a new job halfway across the state. And so it's just a really good day, and I hope that everyone gets to find the level of happiness that I am experiencing right now. Thank you. I love it. I live in St. Pete, Florida. Yeah, I know, Florida. But I wanted to write in to share my high note for the week. There's obviously been a lot of news about pride events or lack of due to the Gilead-like laws being signed by the embarrassment that some like to call our governor. But in true St. Pete fashion, St. Pete

Pride put out a statement recently that the largest pride event in Florida would go on as planned, welcoming the drag community with open arms and kicking off next week with the annual raising of the Pride flag at City Hall and a block party downtown. There's events planned again throughout the month, supporting the trans community, including families, and closing out with Indina Menzel herself and the annual parade. Florida gets a really bad rap, and that's well-deserved lately, but St. Pete is the bright light in these dark times, an incredible city of diversity and inclusion. This news is one of the many reasons I'm proud to call this city home. Hope to have you come visit sometime soon.

And remember, you can't cancel pride. Hi, I love it. This is Liz in Indianapolis, and my high note this week is that my younger sister, Johanna Kitchell, was named Teacher of the Year for her entire school district. That's the Hamilton Southeast School District in Indiana, which has over 1,400 teachers, and they chose Johanna as the best out of all of them. And she totally deserves it. She gives so much to her students, not just as the director of orchestras, but also as a running coach and as a mentor. And on top of all that, she's an incredible mom to a very busy toddler. I'm just so stinking proud of everything Johanna has accomplished,

and I think everyone deserves to know and celebrate her. So thanks for letting me share. Hi, I love it. My name is Liz, and I'm calling in because I've just been so inspired by Lindsay in Canada and Kara in Alabama, connecting over Lindsay's upcoming move. I'm a disability rights attorney, and in a few weeks, I'm going to be moving from Boston, where I've lived most of my life, to Miami.

And I'm feeling nervous but excited about it. It's a big change. But I think if I can find a community to plug into, I'm sure there are people with a lot of heart and a lot of grit down there doing hard work. And I just need to find them. So if you're listening to this and living in Miami and you have an extra spot at your lunch table, just let me know. I'm ready to roll up my sleeves and help however I can. Thank you, Lovett and everyone at Cricket for making so much space for us to laugh

and connect and keep working to make this country, you know, the place our kids deserve. Thanks, everyone, and have a great weekend. Thanks, everybody

who sent in a high note tonight. If you want to leave us a message about something that gave you hope, call us at 323-538-2377. That is our show. Thanks so much

to Gina Yashere, James Adomian, Danielle Perez, Irene Tu, Kel Cripe and Guy Branham. There are 521 days until the 2024 elections. Have a great night and happy pride. Happy pride. Love to Leave It is a Crooked Media production. It is written and produced by me, John Lovett, and Lee Eisenberg. Kendra James is our executive producer. Brian Semel is our producer.

And Malcolm Whitfield is our associate producer. Howie Keeper is our head writer. Sarah Lazarus, Jocelyn Kaufman, Pauly Gunalan, Peter Miller, Rebecca Kaplan, Alan Pierre, Chandler Dean are our writers. Bill Lance is our editor. Stephen Colon is our audio engineer. And Kyle Seglin provides audio support. Our theme song is written and performed by Sure Sure. Bill Lance is our editor, Stephen Colon is our audio engineer, and Kyle Seglin provides audio support.

Our theme song is written and performed by Sure Sure. Thanks to our designers, Jesse McClain and Caroline Haywood, for creating and running all of our visuals, which you can't see because this is a podcast, and to our digital producers, Zuri Ervin, David Tolles, Mia Kelman, and Matt DeGroote for filming and editing video each week so you can. You can find those glorious videos at www.youtube.com slash at love it or leave it podcast. The best we could do, I guess. Subscribe to Love It or Leave It on YouTube for access to video versions of your favorite segments and other exclusive content. Don't forget to follow us at Crooked Media on IG and Twitter.

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