Lovett or Leave It - Darin' to Say "Barron"

Episode Date: December 7, 2019

Impeachment heads to the Judiciary Committee. Rudy films a documentary in Ukraine. Fox News anchors piss off their moms. And a ferocious debate breaks out ON STAGE over a little film called The Irishman. Brett Gelman and Rheeqrheeq Chainey join to break down the latest news at a very late, very loose, very fun live show. What a week.  

Good evening, Los Angeles. Look at this committed late show crowd. Where else would you be? Here. I'm glad that you're here. Thank you all for coming out. How are you guys doing? That's me trying to get your energy up. I also had to get my energy up.

That is why you were on the street earlier. You could have observed a 37-year-old man listening to the Panic at the Disco version of the Idina Menzel song from Frozen 2 to get hyped. And as I clicked the little thing at the bottom right corner in Spotify where you click it and it's like, repeat, and then that dark moment where you click it again,

and it's like, just this song. I had this dawning realization that I was guaranteeing that 10 years from now, Spotify would tell me that this Panic at the Disco version of Frozen 2's Into the Unknown was one of my most played songs of the decade. Some housekeeping. Love It or Leave It is coming to Iowa City

on January 30th, right before the caucus. Tickets are on sale now at crooked.com slash events. And they're going, all right? Those tickets are... Thank you. Ba-da-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba. Gay news That's a trap

Gay news sweatshirts We're selling them Crooked.com Slash store We have a bunch of new merch Go check it out Just fucking do it I don't care

We're selling cool gay news merch Because people are requesting it That's it Alright Could not have done that worse. Could not have. I think it's good. I think that if I fully embraced the salesman aspect of the podcast host lifestyle, I don't think you'd like it.

I think the ironic distance I force into the process keeps me honest. Let's get into it. What a week. On Monday, the top lawyer in Trump's White House, Pat Cipollini, a lawyer who looked at the Trump administration two years in and said, sure, I'll be the guy who's in charge of telling Trump what's legal, refused the House Judiciary Committee's invitation

to participate in the committee's first impeachment hearing. He said that they already RSVP'd to another impeachment hearing that day, and even though Trump would rather go to Nadler's hearing, with the late Thanksgiving, it's just so much packed into three weeks. It's like a lot of overlapping hearings. They're all happening on the same three days. Genuinely shocked that no one came along with me on the tight holiday party sketch

of a late Thanksgiving, early Wednesday Christmas. Nobody? Nobody? Nobody dealing with that crisis in their life? Nobody? All right. I don't care. I don't care when you laugh or not. I don't give a shit. Those mattress checks clear

whether you people laugh or not. On Monday, former FBI lawyer Lisa Page broke her two-year silence about being constantly insulted and smeared by the president. She said, quote, There's no fallible way I've committed any crime at all. If you're considering having an extramarital affair, there are a lot of risks and downsides you're probably going to consider. But man, Peter, we better not.

What if three years from now, the president pretends to be me while faking an orgasm in a national televised political rally as part of a misinformation campaign to distract from the president's impeachable offenses? Should have sounded crazy. Ah, you know, little office romance. What could go wrong? Oh my God, he's faking an orgasm as me in my extramarital affair to distract from Ukrainian corruption.

Earlier this week, Duncan Hunter of California, former congressman, pled guilty to campaign finance violations. Prosecutors say he and his wife spent up to $250,000 of campaign funds for personal use, including $500 to fly the family's pet rabbit, Egbert, across the country. It does get worse.

How did Egbert get home? Epstein's plane. Follow the money. Follow the eggs. It all connects. On Tuesday, the 300-page House impeachment report was made available to the public. The report cites phone records from April of this year

that connected Devin Nunes to Ruta Giuliani and to Lev Parnas, the Giuliani associate who has already been indicted for conspiracy and campaign finance violations. No one is ever a known associate in a good way. No one is ever and his known associate Malala. It's never Malala. On Wednesday, the New York Times reported that Giuliani had been in Budapest and Kiev this week to talk to former Ukrainian prosecutors for a documentary series he is making in order to debunk the impeachment case. He's got a documentary. He's got a podcast.

I just hope his Patreon is up to it. I also just like Rudy on the set of a documentary. All right. Can we tighten it up? And can we Irishman my face by like 15 years? like on the set of a documentary. All right. Can we tighten it up? And can we Irishman my face by like 15 years? Take 15 years of pain off of my face, but still post 9-11.

That's my sweet spot. All right. A super PAC that supports Cory Booker took aim at Mayor Pete in a new ad, but it kind of ends up being an ad for both of them. Sort of, if you like Mayor Pete, check out Cory Booker took aim at Mayor Pete in a new ad, but it kind of ends up being an ad for both of them. Sort of, if you like Mayor Pete, check out Cory Booker. He's a Rhodes Scholar, a successful mayor, a uniter. No, not that guy.

It's Cory Booker. It's really more of a Cory Booker Groupon. It's a flywheel ad that only SoulCycle customers can see. You know what I mean? Does that make sense? I like it.

Yeah, Pete's great. He's really great. But so is Cory Booker. Meanwhile, Michael Bloomberg blanketed the nation's airways with almost $60 million worth of ads for his campaign, also known as a wealth tax. And finally, on Tuesday, Senator Kamala Harris dropped out of the race for president

despite the early promise of her candidacy. The decision came after a string of articles citing disarray in the campaign, including her staffer's obsession with leftist Twitter. Obsessing over why left-wing Twitter is making fun of you is my thing, Kamala. Just chill the fuck out. She joins a number of candidates

who have called it quits in recent weeks, so we thought it was a good time to look back at those candidates we lost along the way in this In Memoriam. Eric Swalwell. Our first act in foreign policy, we're breaking up with Russia and making up with NATO. How far back are we going? Mike Gravel. It's time to make some waves for change. John Hickenlooper.

But how come we're not asking more often the women, would you be willing to put a man on the ticket? Jay Inslee. I am a politician of conviction. I voted against the Iraq War. I voted for the assault weapon bill. I voted against the repeal of Glass-Steagall, and I think Harry Potter should be eliminated. Kirsten Gillibrand. The first thing that I'm going to do when I'm president is I'm going to Clorox the Oval Office. Seth Moulton. I'm in this to win. That's why I'm here.

Bill de Blasio. How do you feel about Ska? I love Ska. Right, because combo of your punk aesthetic and reggae. Tim Ryan. I'm a Dave Matthews guy. Okay, yeah, of course you are. Beto O'Rourke.

We're going to treat each person with the respect and dignity they deserve as humans. Joe Sestak. Joe Sestak. Unfortunately, we cannot find any footage of Joe Sestak, Stephen Bullock. I'm literally the only field in the state that won in a state where Donald Trump won. The only one that actually won in a Trump state. The only one in the field of 37 that actually won a Trump state. Kamala Harris. You know, he reminds me of that guy in The Wizard of Oz. You know, when you pull back the curtain, it's a really small dude.

Forced to once again point out his size. Not the issue. It's that he doesn't have magical powers. When we come back, we'll have Riri Chaney and Brett Gelman. Hey, don't go anywhere. There's more of Love It or Leave It coming up. And we're back. Don't tell me what to It, coming up.

And we're back. Don't tell me what to say, Betsy. I know we're back. This is it. We're back. Applaud. We're going to keep all this in. She's a writer, actor, and person most of the time.

Please welcome back Riri Chaney. How are you, Riri? I almost fell head over tent on the way up here, but other than that, I'm feeling good. How are you doing? I'm great. Look at those pink shoes. Yes. I love to serve visuals on an audio medium. This is really lovely. How are you doing?

So good. Good. You know him from two little shows called Stranger Things and Fleabag. Ever fucking heard of them? Please welcome back Brett Gelman. Sir? Hello. Hi. How's it going? And now for a game called OK Stop. We'll roll a clip and the panel can say

OK Stop at any point to comment. Mark Zuckerberg. He's a homo sapien just like us. And there's no better way to prove that by sitting down with your brain heartmate and Gayle King to show the softer side of a billionaire who looks at misinformation in 2016 and says, sure, but where's my cut? That's a little unfair.

Stop the clip. I was saying it was a tiny bit unfair. Now let's roll the clip. Work home, guys. You work together. You live together. Well, I disagree with the premise of that question. I know.

Stop. He's horrible from the top, always. He's already disagreeing with Gail, and she looks so good. Her wig is glue tight. Her suit is strap tight. I just don't like the disrespect he's starting the clip with. And I'm going to go on record saying that. Thank you so much.

Thank you, feminists in this audience. Definitely not making the tribe look good, ever. Nobody's watching that and being like, yeah, Jews are great Jesus Jesus Christ Just like Talk about like

Just really heading up the whole Socially awkward And loving money way too much Jeez Oh man I should go coach Mark A lot of power too And loving money way too much, Bob. Jeez. Oh, man. I should go coach Mark. A lot of power, too.

Like do some life coaching? Just like Jew coaching. How to be a cool Jew. A Jew on the right side. Be the cool Jew you can be. Exactly. I like that. Just Jew it.

You know? Just Jew it. Just Jew it Just Jew it Just Jew it I also think that Mark Zuckerberg Should be doing more posts on Facebook About his personal life And his home life Why is he not doing that Why is Jack Dorsey

Not tweeting more often I think they should have to do that I agree Put themselves out there Be the social media platform you want to see in the world Exactly Don't just make money off of us And our aunts

Come on Brett Get it together I was bar mitzvahed It's fine You were bar mitzvahed I was bar mitzvahed You were fine You had a bar mitzvah. I was a bar mitzvah. You're fine. Okay, we're fine. You had a bar mitzvah, I assume.

I did not. On date night? How often is date night and what is date night? We're pretty good about this. Every week. We do it every week. Every week? Yeah.

And no work talk on date night. No work talk. Stop. Okay, stop. I don't want to hear it. It's going to make me throw up. I mean, just picturing him in a bed. Naked. Stop it. Just, okay, I'muring him in a bed. Naked.

Stop it. Just, okay, I'm going to say something now. I'm going to stop with this right now and say something. I'm sorry. There's no way he satisfies her. Oh my. No way. What are we going to do?

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm not. No, I'm not. No, I am. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. No, I'm not. I'm not. it's your fault, no, I'm sorry

You should be sorry, you should be sorry, why aren't you pleasured, you should be sorry Oh my goodness, I'm scandalized Whose idea was that? It's Mark's idea Really? Yes Mark, are you the sentimental one in this relationship? I think that would be a surprising conclusion to come to, but that may be

where this interview is going. Okay, stop. This interview is an answer to a question no one asked. Didn't think of. My problem with Facebook is I don't understand enough about Mark Zuckerberg's

home life. It's all so much PR all the time. Like, there are lingering serious questions about whether or not Mark Zuckerberg as a person and Mark Zuckerberg as a representative of Facebook understands, appreciates, respects the power he has over discourse in our society and cultures around the world

and whether he takes seriously enough his responsibility to prevent the spreading of misinformation, racism, hatred, lies, smears, and the kind of content that has basically been made aerosol by these platforms and that have so distressed misinformation and nationalism around the world the answer to that isn't don't worry at home i make a pp and j we relax on the couch and we watch the fucking crown like i don't give a shit like i don't care about how sentimental you are in your i don't care if on date night you don't talk about congressional hearings in which you only made it out alive because the only people asking you questions were born in the 40s. I think you're getting it out of him today, Gil. He's kind of a softie. You were in D.C. recently.

It was reported later that you had dinner with the president of the White House. What was the nature of the meeting, can you say? Sure. I mean, we talked about a number of things that were on his mind. Okay, stop. A number of important things. Like, what the mother... What the fuck, sir? Sorry. What the fudge, sir?

You were... As someone who has every piece of data, every bit of our privacy that somehow we were tricked to put onto his website when we were 13. He can't remember the secret meeting he had with Head Cheeto in charge three weeks ago. That is abhorrent and unacceptable. And playing stupid, it doesn't work. I'm sorry. You and those vincovoses and Edward and Saren made one of the most powerful platforms in

the history of the world. You acting stupid doesn't fucking work. Also though, why ask that question? You're not going to get the truth. I mean, what'd you do in there? What was said? I'd say two points. One, Riri, we're not

going to just gloss over the brag you stuck in there about Facebook existing when you were 13. That's one. Thank you, everyone. Thank you so much. I'm young. Thank you. Two, it doesn't actually matter what the topics were. Mark Zuckerberg did not go to the White House to engage in a discourse about online issues with Donald fucking Trump, a man who just takes his little fingers and tweets on the toilet,

and that is the beginning and end of his internet experience. No, he went there to sit and listen as Donald Trump bloviated for an hour and a half to be a little shit so that Donald Trump would not say negative things, to get in his good graces, to just sort of kiss the ring.

That's why they do that. It's not doing it to have a... Donald Trump's not retaining anything from a meeting. He's a fucking goldfish. Have you ever thought about who cleans Donald Trump's phone screen? I just did. Think about it. It's like in

12 Monkeys when they're hosing down Bruce Willis. Once again, I don't get that reference. Yes! And that's OK Stop. Thank you. When we come back, we'll play a game about the latest impeachment hearings.

Don't go anywhere. This is Love It or Leave It, and there's more on the way. And we're back! On Wednesday, the House Judiciary Committee held its first impeachment hearing. Nadler's committee called four constitutional scholars to help us dummies understand the historical context of Trump's corruption and whether or not his crimes constitute an impeachable offense. But because all of these people are professors from prestigious universities and GW, a lot of folks thought the hearings were pretty dry.

I want to just write there, no one listening to this is bothered by that joke. No one. Like, if you're hearing this right now at the gym or the toilet or the subway or bus or car or walking around dog, whatever it is, you're not offended by my GW joke.

But if you're going to pretend to be, I want you to know that it was written by someone who went to GW. Wasn't it, Travis? So we thought we'd let our panel here be the pizzazz translator for a few key moments from the hearing that you may have missed in a game we're calling

Show Me Some Pizzazz, a word that has a real 1940s showbiz vibe like Moxie. But your fear maybe began as a racial slur, and then you Google pizzazz and find out, actually, it's not really known, but, ugh, it may have been invented in the fucking Harvard Lampoon. Such as truly, truly

one of the dumbest game names in the history of this show. I did. I was like, pizzazz. Let's check out where this, let's just see where this fucking word came from. Oh, this is the real title of this game. Let's roll clip number one. If what we're talking about is not impeachable, then nothing is impeachable.

This is precisely the misconduct that the framers created a constitution, including impeachment, to protect against. And if there's no action, if Congress concludes they're going to give a pass to the president here, as Professor Carlin suggested earlier, every other president will say, okay, then I can do the same thing, and the boundaries will just evaporate. Why are all the people in the background of that shot facing in different directions? What's going on with the seating arrangements at this fucking hearing, Nadler?

I mean, it's not a backup scene from Bohemian Rhapsody for best editing last year, so that was too niche. That's fine. No, I think it's important that we reflect on the fact that Bohemian Rhapsody is a crazy movie.

A crazy movie to be made in this era. A crazy movie to be rewarded with accolades. A film that is... Hair and teeth. Such a mess. Feels as though the film should be falling out of the cameras. The opposite of being a rock star is being gay. In that film.

Just flagging. And HIV is punishment for giving in to your homosexuality. Pizazz it. He looks like Mr. Potato Head. You fucking asshole. Hey, check out Tweebo here.

No, I felt very comforted by him. It's not an insult. Oh, you just sort of... Don't you find Mr. Potato Head very comforting? Of course I find it comforting. Imagine if you could keep your various face things in your head. Yeah. It's like, oh, need sunglasses, take them out from my ears, my ear hole.

See, I felt like he was trying, he was really upset he didn't get to audition for Hamilton. So, like, every line of, like, I guess the founders thought this, like, was him just wishing he could just start rapping about the foundation of this country because, like, he's like, I guess all the founders were brown now,

so I don't get to be one. Oh, my God. Next clip. This clip is Pamela Carlin, a Stanford law professor. Let's roll it. You know, a president who cared about the Constitution would say, Rush, if you're listening, butt out of our elections. And it shows a president who did this to strong-arm a foreign leader

into smearing one of the president's opponents in our ongoing election season. That's not politics as usual, at least not in the United States or not in any mature democracy. It is instead a cardinal reason why the Constitution contains an impeachment power. Put simply, a president should resist foreign interference in our elections, not demand it and not welcome it. If we are to keep faith with our Constitution and with our elections, not demand it and not welcome it. If we are to keep faith with our constitution and with our republic, President Trump must be held to account. Thank you. Oh, and yeah. And just to make one other point, Barron Trump is bad. Barron Trump sucks.

Fuck Barron Trump. Barron Trump is evil. Let's focus our energy on the real villain, Barron Trump. Let's target that little boy. That's why we're all here. That's who we hate. It was a real misfire, I think, when she said that. I thought it was a real mistake. She really stepped in it.

Really gave Melania some ammunition for a tweet she definitely wrote. I like this lady. And Kellyanne Conway went on television this morning and she went on, you know, whatever it is, you know, Fox and Frauleins or something.

Fox und Friends. It's Fox und Friends. Because they're Nazis. That's Fox and Friends. Because they're Nazis. That's what I mean. But anyway, she goes on Fox and Friends, and she said, it might have been morning, Joe. Doesn't matter.

She goes, I have one more thing I came here to say. All right? And the thing I came to say here is, Professor Carlin hates you. All right. If you're a welder or a nurse or a teacher, she hates you. That's why she said this. She fucking hates you.

And it was fascinating. First of all, it's like one step removed from like Pol Pot. Like she's got glasses. Grab her. You know uh specific and uh but also like they're no longer tethering the accusation to some underlying claim like you know it started i think it's been around for a long time but you saw it with benghazi right that there was never actually an explanation of what the wrongdoing was it was always just like we got to get to the

bottom of it these people died and they don't care and they're lying about it. There's a secret. They use the wrong talking points. It's basically implicit is that there's some sort of underlying story we don't yet know. Then the secret is more interesting than the truth. The secret is that there's some dark forces at play here and that you should understand what they are. But it began with an underlying actual kind of something they could grab onto, a foothold of some true event in the world. There is nothing in what this woman said in the course of this long hearing

that has any kind of deplorables or clinging to your God's gun in religion or anything that could be taken as, like, the elitism she wants to attack. But they've made this switch, which is they don't need that anymore. Kellyanne Conway doesn't need anything real to grab onto. She knows that she can go on Fox News, say this, and they'll just embrace it. They won't say, what do you mean? What did she say that is in reference to that at all? And now,

as long as somebody is willing to say it and others are willing to copy it, there doesn't ever even need to be a real kernel of misdeed or accusation or truth underneath for someone like Kellyanne to attack this professor whose only crime in this hearing is being upset about the subterfuge of the Trump administration and the undermining of our democracy. And then they go on to say, and look how angry she is. There's so clearly something. Look at all that hatred she has, that vileness, that viciousness. Where's that coming from? Because the twist is

your patriotism is derangement. Your anger is a sign of how wrong you are. So when are you allowed to be angry? She's upset because she loves her country. And loving your country is now a sign that you're broken. Anyway, sorry.

And let's go to the final clip of Jerry Nadler summing things up. and loving your country is now a sign that you're broken. Anyway, sorry. I just. And let's go to the final clip of Jerry Nadler summing things up. As one of my colleagues pointed out, I have in the past articulated a three-part test for impeachment. Let me be clear, all three parts of that test have been met. First, yes, the president has committed

an impeachable offense. The president asked the foreign government to intervene in our elections, then got caught, then obstructed the investigators. Twice. Our witnesses told us in no uncertain terms that this conduct constitutes high crimes and misdemeanors, including abuse of power. Second, yes, the president's alleged offenses represent a direct threat to the constitutional order. Professor Carlin warned,

drawing a foreign government into our election process is an especially serious abuse of power because it undermines democracy itself. Professor Feldman echoed, if we cannot impeach a president who abuses his office for personal advantage, we no longer live in a democracy. We live in a monarchy or under a dictatorship. Third, yes, we should not proceed unless at least some of the citizens who supported the president in the last election are willing to come with us.

A majority of this country is clearly prepared to impeach and remove President Trump. This speech from Independence Day is so great. Either you fight against the aliens coming, or you don't fight, but you shut up

and don't steal the ammunition. This is the equivalent, right. If this were Independence Day, this would be the part where they cut to the Israelis and the Palestinians and are like, nah, we're going to keep fighting. Now we're not going to work together. We're still focused on our stuff. It's when everyone's like,

does everyone remember Morse code? Because that's the only way we can live. Like he is trying to send out some sort of beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep to say these are crimes. Please, the people who once supported this alien man, walk away. No idea what

the Morse code reference means. No idea. Generational. It is. It's generational. Who's in Morse code? You mean Morse code? Oh, you're talking about actual Morse code? I thought you were talking about the film. Are you talking about the film Morse code? What are you saying? Morse code? Oh, you're talking about actual Morse code? I thought you were talking about the film. Are you talking about the film Morse code? What are you saying?

Morse code. Morse code. I thought you meant Morse code like there was a movie. I'm thinking of Source Code with Jake Gyllenhaal. I thought you were referencing the film Source Code with Jake Gyllenhaal where he respawns. You're not making a respawn reference. You're speaking of literally boat-to-boat communication. Oh, I see where I went wrong.

I just want everyone to know that I saw the confusion in this white man's eyes. And I kept tap dancing. I was like, if I keep going, he's going to know. And that, my friends, is America. That's... No, if this were America, I would never get it. And everyone would blame you.

When we come back, we're going to play a Fox News game. Hey, don't go anywhere. There's more of Love It or Leave It coming up. And we're back. A lot of people don't know this, but Matt Gaetz has a little brother. And actually, he picked on his little brother so much that the little brother had a complex about not getting enough positive reinforcement. So that little brother ended up going into improv. But then after his UCB teacher told him

to stop trying to make girls kiss him in scenes, he realized that PC culture had gone too far, so he got a job at Fox News, and his name is Jesse Waters. That was a journey. Okay. Anyway. I came up at UCB. I came up at UCB. I didn't become a journey. Okay. Anyway. Lock it up. I came up at UCB. I came up at UCB.

I didn't become a Fox News anchor. And I took two classes, and I'm okay. It is. Yeah. But I feel like you could. I see as somebody could. Oh, definitely. Someone who goes to Herald auditions and doesn't make it through.

Oh, my God. Definitely is working at Fox News. Yeah, they go crazy, especially after their third Herald audition. Tommy Lahren was actually in an improv show and she asked for a suggestion from the crowd and they said, crazy pretend racist. And then she just did it and she can't get out of it. She can't get out of the scene. Yeah. Bombshell 2019. She's a method provisor.

Anyway, Jesse Waters is a method provisor. You can get caught. No, I thought I was a bad doctor for like two years. Yeah, you're Dr. Death. That is your... Yeah. It's a podcast reference. All right. It's fine. It's fine. Thank you you're Dr. Death. That is your... Yeah. It's a podcast reference. Alright. It's fine. Thank you. Alright.

Anyway, Jesse routinely shows texts from his mom on the show and they're played for laughs, but it's often a fake compliment followed by a pretty incisive criticism of his choices in life. Like this one. When you are good, you are so very, very good. And when there is a performance like last night's, I become so distraught that you have

moved ever closer to that imaginary line that cannot be crossed. This is just completely valid criticism from his mother. I mean, my mom sent me something very similar when I put a picture of my tits on the camera. And by that I mean I wore a dress. So I think that's something. In fact, Jesse's mom's texts are so brutal that we don't think you'll be able to tell which ones are real and which ones are fake

in a game we're calling Ugh, My Mom Has Always Texted Me That I'm a Willing Pawn in a Right-Wing Propaganda Apparatus Built to Anesthetize Millions of Americans to the Brutal Unfairness of Our Current Economic Order by refocusing their anger, sense of uncertainty, and fear of aging and even death

at the real culprits, immigrants, Democrats, people of color, and anyone who knows their way around a chicory salad. Would anyone out there like to play the game? Hi, what's your name? My name is Sunny. Hi, Sunny. Hi. How are you?

Good. Sunny. I'm going to read you. A lot of chair humor unfolding. I'm leaning back in my chair right now so that John can see Sonny. It's very funny. I'm going to read you

potential texts from Jesse Waters' mom to Jesse Waters. Your job will be to say which is real and which is fake. Are you ready, Sonny? Yes. I'm offended by a great many

of your comments. Real. Got it. Do your research about border security. You don't sound like you have any facts. You look tired after a vacation. Real? Yes. That honestly does not seem like it was sent by a mom. It seems like it's sent by

a vicious gay man. You look tired after your vacation is brutal. No, that put me into it being the mom, though. But that's the middle of the Venn diagram. Yeah, it is. It's an overlap. That's the overlap.

You know. Yeah. The dark jacket is a vast improvement over the Ferris wheel operator getup you wore yesterday and need to lose not to denigrate Ferris wheel operators. Fake? Real. This woman fucking crushes.

I have some bad news about your great aunt Helen. She realized you worked for a braying bunch of little crypto fascists and she drove her car off a cliff. Fake.

Yes. Your co-hosts don't seem to like you very much. Maybe ask them why. Mend some fences. Although I'm not sure I'd want their respect, it may be useful for you.

Real. Fake. I hope your squad criticism can be just a tad more measured today. Please don't sound like an old white guy who lacks any understanding of otherness. Love you so. Real? Yes. Isn't that wild? The otherness was wonderful. I like mom now.

She's fucking... Sweetheart, quick question. Would you defend the Republicans no matter what they do, or have you secretly chosen a line that must not be crossed? I'm guessing you haven't thought about it, but for all your grousing about how millennials think sexuality is fluid, it seems to me that your morality is fluid, circumstantial, and ultimately empty. Something to think about.

Fake? Fake. How insulting, Jessie. The former head of the FBI is a good actor, and who might you be? Real? Yes. Saw your white privilege segment. Are you really trying to say you don't have a leg up in the world? I've never seen a cab drive past you

Fake? Fake The name of your show is a reference to Waterworld, right? That 1995 Kevin Costner movie I thought the movie was fun, but I don't think it was very successful And now all these years later I don't think the reference is doing a lot for you Is it too late to change it?

This is your mom. Fake? Yeah. Please apologize to your colleagues, and I mean with genuine remorse for the horrific judgment you showed airing your Santa video. Be a great deal more careful, Jessie. Everyone is replaceable except for Santa. Real? That's real.

Call when you have a minute. I can't get Netflix on my iPad. P.S. Love you. P.P.S. Your right-wing propaganda is a great source of shame for your family. Fake. Fake. But I wish it was real. Manafort is a criminal. Real. Yep.

Jesse, stop making sweeping statements about individuals you don't know. You are sounding like Joe McCarthy, an individual you clearly need to undertake some research about. Weren't you a history major? That's real. Yes. Why are you like this?

We gave you a loving home. We are lovely people. Is it because the other boys called you Jesse Wethers after you wet the bed at camp? I just want to know how to help you. Fake. Yes. Please be assured that despite your wretched

political orientation, I love you forever. Ooh. Fake? Real. Stop yelling at Juan. Fake? Real. Stop yelling at Juan. Real. Real. One positive,

your tie knot looks better and you are buttoning your top button. Real. Real. You do not have the expertise nor knowledge to question the special counsel's investigation

until you know what they know. Hush, Jessie. Real. Real. Honey Pie, if you want to show my text on your show, that's fine, but could you not show my face or name? Some of my friends don, Jessie. Real? Real. Honey pie, if you want to show my text on your show, that's fine. But could you not show my face or name?

Some of my friends don't know. Real? Fake. I am seeing this next one for the first time. I wish I had an abortion. Fake. Just kidding, sweetheart. Happy birthday.

Fake? Fake. Happy birthday. Fake? Fake. Vinyl. Do not accept an offer to be chief of staff. Real? Yeah, that's real. Sonny, you've won the game. Wow.

Wild, right? I don't feel safe. I would think after so many mom emails and texts, he would just stop, but I guess not. But it must fuel him, yes? Well, here's the thing. The only reason we have access to these texts is because Jesse Waters shows them to us,

which means he enjoys that they're part of his story. Does she enjoy the attention, so she's drafting them to hurt and also gain popularity on her Facebook group? Wow. Yeah. When we come back, the rant wheel. At one point

she was like, oh, he's going to read these and she continues to write them. So she's enjoying the dynamic too. So she's maybe a more insidious villain than he is. Well, here's the thing. Well, who do you side with, right?

The person who's participating in evil despite knowing it's wrong and having great shame and guilt about it or the person who participates in a great evil because they don't care either way, you know?

I don't know. I think Kris Jenner would be fine with either way, so I'm okay. When we come back, the rant wheel. Don't go anywhere. This is Love It or Leave It, and there's more on the way.

And we're back! Now it's time for the rant wheel. You know how it works. We spin the wheel. Wherever it lands, we talk about the topic. This week on the wheel, we have the Trump administration's cuts to the food stamp program. We have the possibility of an LGBT character in Star Wars. The month of December, the Irishman.

Brett's rant, which is about rants. So could end up in a cosmic loop that never ends. One risk. Christmas trees, Spotify 2019, and China's face mapping. Let's spin the wheel. It has landed on The Irishman, suggested by Riri.

Take it away. In the theme of the movie, should I go six times longer than I should? No. Okay, so the Irishman. I just want to start off by saying that I am a fan of Martin Scorsese. Yes, I said Scorsese.

The vocal work he did in Shark Tale was inspired, okay? All right, so I just want everyone, I don't want to be judged here. You have Robert De Niro, you have Joe Pesci, you have Al Pacino. These are titans of the field, you know? Like, you have Bad Grandpa there, you have Home Alone 2, Lost in New York. You have that weird movie where Alfredo is his full name, Pacino, just like

Chase is in that bedding around a best western for a whole movie. They have done great things. But, unfortunately, this movie, which I watched last week over Thanksgiving, while being a nice woman who's bonding with her new white

stepfather, because that's what nice women do was the most tiring movie of 2019. And this is coming from someone who tried three times and succeeded to watch X-Men Dark Phoenix. So I put in time.

I watched Gone with the Wind when I was 10 to just show people I could do it. I'm not someone who quits. But it was too goddamn long. It was obscene. I keep imagining Scorsese's producing partner having to do endurance tests to just make it through the director's cut, which we know was six hours. It's horrible. And it's not just the content of the movie it's not the old age

CGI that couldn't just like wipe away the smell of Ben Gay when De Niro tried to break people's bones because my dude you can't break anyone's bones anymore or the fact that Anna Paquin only had seven lines and she just blink blink blinked her way through all of them

or the fact that like I don't know why he was delivering meat over and over again but I guess that was part of the theme it was the fact that every moment was six frames too long and I could not breathe I am still tired it's been seven days and it's okay and I asked myself myself, why now? Because these are four really lovely, I don't know if they're lovely, but I hope, artists. And I want them to be great. And at a certain point, yes, they are getting older. And there might have been a situation where they thought, this is our chance to work together again. Robert De Niro has literally said

he sent Joe Pesci, I'm guessing a page to his beeper, I don't know how they communicate, saying that we might die soon. One more, huh? Like that was the whole pitch for the movie. That's how he did it. And so they did this, but for four of the

most famous Italian American actors in the world, two and three, well, I think Scrooge says he's an actor because he just like, is method, but for all four of them to decide that their last stand, yes, that's a second X-Men reference, that their last stand is called The Irishman is incongruous to their brand. That doesn't make any sense. Your legacy should just stick to what you've been doing. If you're going to build your own ice raft to push your film career out to see, to die,

stick to the pirate flag that brought you. Thank you, that's my time. Thank you. Counterpoint. The Irishman is a fucking masterpiece. Thank you. That's my time. Thank you. Counterpoint. The Irishman is a fucking masterpiece. And I'm going to make a claim right now. I'm going to make a claim right now. There is no moment,

no shot, no scene, no sentence that you can cut from that film that wouldn't make it fucking worse. I will give you that the de-aging technology is in beta. Because it definitely looked like some smooth old man running downstairs. And I did, because again, all I was looking for was more Irishman, did click on the behind the scenes 30 minute wild rambling conversation

that Scorsese, Pesci, De Niro, and Pacino had in a red booth somewhere, maybe purgatory, in which they clearly shot for two hours and were like I think there's 25 minutes in here that is fucking

intelligible. Anyway, in that they talk about the fact that one of the great challenges they had in making this film is not only, yes, they could de-age their faces slightly, and there is an uncanny Polar Express, Zemeckis vibe to what happens to the eyes.

They did somehow manage to take the life from Robert De Niro's beautiful eyes, which was for chunks of the movie, a shame. But they're all playing men that are 30 or 40 years younger than themselves and their bodies have to...

Apparently they kept saying, Al Pacino, you took too long to stand. You stood up like an old man. And they're talking about it like, but that's acting, I gotta stand like a young man but then why don't you do it all the fucking time what does that mean

what does that mean hey Al Pacino stand up like a young man well if he could he would right so how many fucking takes can they get out of his body this Al Pacino body that's been through the fucking ringer he's like alright, you're playing,

you're 50 in this scene. You're in Al Pacino years more. Three centuries old. And then they're telling Robert De Niro, can you be more spry as you walk down the stairs? I'm like, what are you doing? Like, you can't, his fucking osteoporosis can't act. You know, his ligaments aren't going to be CGI.

Like, no, I assume, I don't know what it's like to be an old man. I assume it's a lot like my current lifestyle, honestly. But I don't think they're slowing down as a choice, right? Why the Irishman's Length is not just valuable but, dare I say it, necessary to the film is what we watch unfold

is not just four of our great talents coming together to do what they do best, which is what we see. It is not only a film about gangsters, it's a film in conversation with the previous film Scorsese has made as

these old men look back with melancholy eyes on their own choices, putting themselves into the characters they played and the choices that led them to become aging mobsters late in their lives, looking back on the long and winding path that

led Robert De Niro to that old age home and that green coffin because he is in the film Irish. I hate you so much. Amen. I'm sorry. Okay. I got a couple points. Quick points. Here's

what I got. One, this isn't against SEO purposes. I think if your bones crack, your bones crack. There's nothing we can do about that. That's totally fine. This movie is too, it's so long and it still doesn't have time to actually like talk to any of the peripheral characters.

So you just get a chyron of when and how they died. And yes, that shit was funny, but not necessary to the story. Every moment, good. No, it's not a conversation. Like at some point, I'll give you one thing.

I'll give you one thing. I'll give you one thing. I don't know that I needed Sebastian Maniscalco for a ten-minute interlude halfway through this film. That's the one thing I'll say. That's the one thing I'll give in. That's the one... What? I don't care.

Let's spin the wheel. What do you got, Brett? I thought it was a masterpiece. Yes, correct. I was excited. I was excited. These are, like, you know, four of the greatest artists

whose work means so much to me. It is a conversation about aging. It is a conversation about the bleakness of not being vulnerable your whole life, of not knowing who your friends are, of not having any real relationships at the end

of your life when you thought you end your life thinking that you were working towards this thing and have these relationships with these people and then you find out it all means nothing and you die alone it is a bleak thing and it's also really fucking funny

really funny so fucking funny it is so funny because it's subtle. It's not screaming in your face. It is subtle as these guys talking. That note, it was so subtle, no one laughed. I laughed. I laughed.

We laughed. How do you know people who laughed? You didn't see it in the theater. We were all at our different homes. I will, I'm sorry, not today, Satan. I will not be taken down on this one, okay? Let's spin the wheel. It has landed on Brett's Ranch of Rants.

I just think that I'm just sick of people talking and communicating their thoughts and feelings and opinions all the fucking time. Just putting themselves out there. What they think.

What they're experiencing. How they feel about this and that. Without taking one fucking second to actually see how they actually feel. Maybe revisit it. Maybe think about it. Then go back to it a little bit later and see if you still think the same thing maybe you don't first time i saw the irishman i thought it dragged watched again masterpiece see revisit he watched his place don't just put it out there don't just put it out

there and just leave it okay we gotta We got to draft things here, huh? I mean, all of these comedians, right, who are getting in trouble and getting canceled for the things they say, you know what it is? It's not necessarily bigotry. Write another fucking draft of your act. Don't just race it out there because Netflix is rushing you

and they're not going to give you, they're threatening to not give you the 20 million fucking dollars, okay? Like, really, just take a second and think about it and stop just throwing logs in the fucking vocal fire that is our every day.

And I'm addicted to it and I partake in it, but I'm fucking sick of it. I'm fucking sick of it. I'm fucking sick of myself. Let's spin it again. Alright.

It has landed on LGBT Star Wars. It definitely has. Without a doubt. It's flashing right now, guys. No questions asked. It definitely landed on LGBT Star Wars. That's what it landed on. Here's the thing. There's a new Star Wars film That's what it landed on. Here's the thing.

There's a new Star Wars film coming out. All right? And guess what? I'm pumped. All right? You're looking at a guy who's excited. All right? You tell me there's new Star Wars,

I'm in. It is 11.44 p.m. as I say these words. In 15 minutes, there'll be a new episode of The Mandalorian. And I have plans to watch it simultaneously with my friends. That's the Star Wars commitment I am bringing to this conversation.

A sad commitment. Okay? No matter how many times they heard me. I'll go back. J.J. Abrams was asked, are Finn and Poe going to get together? And his response was, no, their relationship is deeper than romantic. But really, of course, it's, we're not going to have

our two lead men kiss at Star Wars. We're trying to make toys here. We're trying to make a billion, yeah, we're going to risk a billion dollars on some man-on-man action? I don't think so. All I'm saying is, he did say, he hinted at the fact that there would be

LGBT representation in Rise of Skywalker, and I think that's terrific. I'm very excited about that. However, I've been burned, all right? I was burned by the LGBT representation in Avengers Endgame,

which was a gay character saying in a scene, you know, I went on a date with a guy named Bruce. End of gay storyline. Who was that? He was an unnamed, he had a name in the scene. Oh, in the group therapy.

It was in a group fucking, one group therapy scene with, was it Chris Evans? Yes, Captain America. Captain America is in a group therapy. Hard to believe. Hard to believe he's not sticking to one on one just hard to believe but let's back to the topic at hand

you know what I mean Captain America's doing group I mean if he wants to help others though and it's more to help others than himself and he wants to use his mental health as an example like a patriotic beacon yeah good points all I'm saying is like a patriotic beacon. Yeah. Yeah. Good points. This is my Star Wars. Good points.

Good points. All I'm saying is I'm glad that there will be LGBT representation in a Star Wars film finally. Two points on that. One, there are a lot of characters

who could be gay based on the films. Yoda, one example. But also, if this gay representation is some tiny little moment, I just want us to remember that they don't get any pats on the back.

Like, that's so fucking easy at this point. I want a fucking gay character on the goddamn poster. I want superheroes that are gay to kiss. All right? That's all. Yes. Yes. I mean, Laura Dern's purple wig was not enough. alright that's all yes I mean Laura Dern's purple wig was not enough and I think

I'm in support of you because I mean Disney Plus is there's no way they're ever going to put a proper gay couple up there they will they will it will happen the moment the moment it stops being controversial is the moment it'll be fine in which they will be a gay hero

above the name of the movie on the day it is no longer brave to do it and that is what is so frustrating about it but anyway let's end on a high note you know this week it was announced that the Trump administration is seeking cuts to food stamps

they are seeking to save basically $5 billion over five years, roughly a billion dollars a year, to cut benefits for nearly 700,000 SNAP recipients. Meanwhile, we found out that the corporate tax cut meant that FedEx went from paying $1.5 billion in taxes to paying zero in taxes this year, which means that just that one corporation's corporate tax cut would have been enough to cover the cuts that he is making for this year. And not only that, he is shoveling billions of dollars to agribusiness, to big corporations that are getting hit by his trade war, and never worrying about the cost of that. Because for Trump, it's not about the budget. It's not about tax and spend. It's not about the debt. It is about punishing people who don't support him and rewarding people who do. You know, we're at the final few weeks of 2019.

We are about to head into 2020. I don't know how we are supposed to get mentally fucking jacked up for the nightmare circus we're about to watch for the next year. If you thought the Irishman was long, I'd like you to meet my friend 2020. You want to see old white man make you upset? Buckle the fuck up, because it's going to be everywhere.

It's going to be everywhere. Yeah, no de-aging technology in that fucking debate. Maybe they should. Maybe they fucking should. Maybe that would help. Maybe that would help. Once January rolls around, we'll all be focused on picking our nominee and winning in 2020. Republicans want to suppress the votes in 2020

the way they did in 2016. The election is going to be close. So we've partnered with Stacey Abrams and Fair Fight to make sure that if we do our job in 2020 and people come out to vote, they organize, they knock on doors, they get out to vote, that everyone who goes to cast a ballot will have their vote counted, that they'll be registered and their vote will be tallied and

they won't be turned away and that votes won't be suppressed. We are three-fourths of the way to hitting our goal. We've already raised over one and a half million for the Stacey Abrams Fair Fight. That's what Crooked has done. But we first committed to a million, all right? We've now, we doubled that commitment to two million. I said it to Stacey, we said it to a million, all right? We've now, we doubled that commitment to two million. I said it to Stacey, we said it to Stacey Abrams face to face. I looked in Stacey Abrams' eyes, all right? And if you're going to make me look like a fucking asshole to Stacey Abrams, no, no. If we can get her the remainder of the two million, then we can help put 20 teams on the ground in 20 battleground states.

It is already making a difference. 20 teams on the ground in 20 battleground states. It is already making a difference. In Kentucky, they helped restore 180,000 voters to the rolls. That race was decided by 5,000 points. By 5,000 votes. Points. Too much gaming.

So, if everyone listening were to put in $10 right now, Stacey would be able to put a voter protection team like the one in Kentucky in every battleground state next year. This is the most important thing we can do right now to help make sure we win in 2020. Make it the last thing you do in 2019. Go to votesaveamerica.com slash fair fight. We can do this.

We can win if we do our part. All the noise, all the opinions, all the fighting and the anger. At the end of the day, it is going to be up to us to stop talking and start donating and knocking on doors and putting our feet on the ground and doing our part

when we stop having opinions all the time and start getting involved. And that is the phase we're about to enter. We've been in this fucking exhausting Trump nightmare for three years. We have a year to leave it all on the field to get this guy out of office. Start now. VoteSaveAmerica.com slash Fair Fight. That is our show. I want to thank Niri Cheney. I want to thank Brett Gelman. I want to thank the improv. Thank you all for coming out. Thank you, Adam Schiff. Let's

add Jerry Nadler. Why not? Love It or Leave It is a product of Crooked Media. It is written and produced by me, John Lovett, Elisa Gutierrez, Lee Eisenberg, our head writer and Michael Bloomberg speechwriter, Travis Helwig, and writers Jocelyn Kaufman, Alicia Carroll, and Peter Miller. Bill Lance is our editor and Frank Tadek is our sound engineer. Our theme song is written and performed by Sure Sure. Thank you.