Lovett or Leave It - Death Becomes Her Majesty

Episode Date: September 10, 2022

Lovett or Leave It is dead. Long live Lovett or Leave It! The show makes its triumphant return to Dynasty Typewriter. Author and Dem strategist Lis Smith stops by to break down just how much Mayor Pete can’t stand Lovett. Andrew Farmer and Marcella Arguello ready themselves for the Emmys, while Trump’s personal injury lawyer (Alyssa Limperis) takes the FBI to task for putting those slippery folders all over the floor of Mar-a-Lago. , Plus Emily Heller brings a heatwave-inspired edition of Emily’s Garden Show: Fury Road Edition. And we say goodbye with a new segment we’re calling Our Apologies, where our guests must say they’re sorry for their sins and, also, there is an Edible Arrangement. For a closed-captioned version of this episode, click here. For a transcript of this episode, please email [e-mail] and include the name of the podcast.

Hello, Los Angeles. It's great to be back. Welcome to Love It or Leave It Live or else if you listen very closely, you can hear the muffled sounds of desperate corgis scratching from beneath the lid of a coffin. We've got a great show for you. Emily Heller is here. And she's promised to behave. Liz Smith is here to explain to me all the ways I went wrong with Secretary Pete. Andrew Farmer and Marcella Arguello are back to prove they know their Emmys. And Trump's lawyer is here, and she has some splainin' to do. And guess what? It's starting to feel like

autumn. The leaves are falling like British monarchs, so we're going to shake up the end of the show to try something new. Fall is the time for reinventing and fantasizing about pop stars spitting on you. But first, let's get into it. What a week. As you all no doubt know, Queen Elizabeth II quiet quitted at the age of 96 on Thursday. After reigning for seven decades, Dark Brandon strikes again. Sadly, she succumbed to injuries sustained in 1990 from being headbutted by mr bean the uk is now a land in mourning the streets ringing out with mournful cries of what's all this then what's all this then the royal family officially announced the queen's

death at 10 30 a.m pacific time tweeting the queen's death at 10.30 a.m. Pacific time, tweeting, the queen died peacefully at Balmoral this afternoon. The king and the queen consort will remain at Balmoral this evening and will return to London tomorrow. Thank God they said she died peacefully as opposed to screaming as her parachute failed to open, like we all assumed. Out of respect, we will now observe a brief moment of silence as we play the British National Anthem. Hey, come on! That's not right. Of course, we all know what happens when a queen dies.

She stops releasing a pheromone that prevents female workers from laying eggs. The workers construct new chambers for between 10 and 20 larvae, and one of them becomes the new queen. The queen's death is also an important event for me as it marked the day I learned the queen had a corgi named Pundit in the 1980s. Yes, I know, really frustrating. Like her, Pundit and mine will also be buried with me

in a diamond-encrusted sarcophagus. Thought it was an original dog name. Really did. Thought I nailed it. Then these nepotism cases thought of it in the 80s. Meanwhile, here in this still pretty democratic nation that fought a pretty cool war to not care too much about the comings and goings of monarchs, it's our first show back for the fall and midterm season is in full swing. The fundraising emails are at near peak rightness.

Just a few more days to hit that perfect desperate flavor. It looks like we're locked in a battle of the titans. What does that mean? The latest polling suggests Republicans are still favored to take the House. But hey, who are you going to trust? Unreliable polls or that terrible feeling in the pit of your stomach? The Senate is looking like a coin flip. Here's what that means. Find a coin.

Instead of flipping it, mail it to Raphael Warnock. Then do that 10,000 more times. Meanwhile, despite a challenging environment, the Democrats continue to rack up wins like Pat Ryan in the New York 19th special, despite polls indicating he was destined

to lose until the day of, not to mention Kansas defending abortion rights in a conclusive statewide vote this summer. The vote was so decisive the Kansas GOP even backed down from their campaign to let tornadoes vote. Tornadoes would vote Republican. Voter registration continues to climb, especially among young people and women, likely spurred by the overturning of Roe v. Wade, a trend that is continuing across red states. In Kansas, three to one of these new voters are Democrats. Sometimes all it takes to get people to the polls is for shit to hit the fan. Sure, you're covered in shit and you need a new fan, but at least you're out of the house.

The Obamas returned to the White House on Wednesday for the unveiling of their official portraits marking their first joint visit to the building since their departure in 2017. All right, we have two different jokes. And there's no way to do both without introducing them like this. Okay, so they unveiled their portraits. Say what you will about Hunter Biden,

but the man can paint. All right, option number two. The portraits are beautiful, but I disagree with the use of macaroni no matter how much work Joe put into it. That's sweet. All of them in a little row. U.S. federal judge Eileen Cannon,

a Trump appointee, granted Trump a special master to determine if documents found in Mar-a-Lago are either personal property covered by attorney-client privilege or covered by executive privilege. None of this makes a lot of sense because A, there's already a process for filtering out documents covered by attorney-client privilege. B, you don't need a special master to get your personal documents returned because the DOJ had no interest in keeping a medical record that says, hey, Don, you blood sludge. See, Biden has waived executive privilege,

and oh, by the way, executive privilege is about protecting the ability of the president to get candid advice, and I'm not sure that applies to a top-secret pic of Macron's wang. That's not about deliberating to make policy choices. He didn't do that. Also, the whole thing is stupid, because this low-rent Trump judge doesn't even deal with the thornier problem, which is Biden waived privilege,

Trump wants to claim privilege, what happens if a current president and a former president disagree on this matter? It's not something that can be resolved by a rando lawyer who sits near a judge for a while. And on top of that, between Trump's squad of legal zeros waiting two weeks to request the master

and this judge waiting more than a week to decide on the request, DOJ has already spent almost a month rifling through the documents seized by Hoover's movers back in August. Hoover's movers. J. Edgar Hoover. See, it's kind of fun. Kind of fun. Just a little aside.

It's not a joke, but it's a fun little turn of phrase. You can take that. Take that with you. That's something you can use in your life. Throw it in. People are like, huh. Little word play. Even though they did have almost a month,

the DOJ had to proceed slowly because every document had to be run under a blacklight and a forensics expert had to determine if the little bright spots were cummer ketchup. Yeah, ew. 100%. You hit the nail on the head ew

on Thursday the Justice Department announced it will appeal the decision but it will be heard by the conservative 11th circuit which Trump pushed further to the right and ultimately by the Supreme Court with its three Trump appointed justices I wouldn't count the DOJ out just yet where there's a will there's a way and oh I'm sorry it says here both the will

and way were appointed by Trump. Trump and his cronies have until Friday to submit a list of possible special masters, because for some inscrutable reason, Trump gets to suggest the candidates who get to assess whether or not the DOJ can have the evidence of his crimes. How is this a process? It's like an Air Bud situation. There's nothing in the rule book that says a putrefying former New York mayor can't be the special master. Pennsylvania Lieutenant Governor and very large Senate candidate John Fetterman announced this week that he'll commit to one debate against his Republican opponent, Dr. Oz. Fetterman said his campaign is still exploring accommodations for his auditory processing problems in chaotic

auditory environments, a common condition for people who have had strokes. Meanwhile, Dr. Oz's campaign is exploring accommodations for the fact that Pennsylvania voters are successfully processing all the things he says and does. In worse news, the Supreme Court is set to hear more v. Harper after the Honest Election Projects filed an amicus brief on behalf of the North Carolina legislature promoting a dangerous, biz brief on behalf of the North Carolina legislature promoting a dangerous, bizarro interpretation of the Elections Clause of the Constitution, which would give almost limitless power to state legislatures. Moore v. Harper, I'd like a little less v. Harper.

As we know, state legislatures in 30 states are controlled by Republicans, and the argument is a blatant attempt to give them the ability to reject elections in which Democrats commit the sin of winning. On the upside, all 50 state Supreme Court justices collectively issued a statement this week decrying the argument and asking the Supreme Court to reject the theory. Unfortunately, that's like all the nerds at your school collectively issuing a statement asking the bully to stop pantsing them in the gym and laughing at their penis. They don't have the leverage. Meanwhile, a federal judge in Texas ruled that employers can't be required to provide coverage for HIV prevention drugs because it

violates their religious freedom. According to the ruling, companies should be able to purchase health insurance that excludes or limits coverage of PrEP, contraception, the HPV vaccine, and counseling for STDs and drug use, just as Jesus would have wanted. Didn't he literally do that? Wasn't that like a thing

Jesus famously did? Look, I stop before we get to the New Testament in my tradition, but I'm pretty sure there's a bit of ministering to people in bad situations. Something like counseling. Something akin to counseling. And healing. Thank you. Obviously, our insurance coverage doesn't cover magical healing. In lighter news,

Steve Bannon pled not guilty today to money laundering, felony conspiracy, and felony scheme to defraud charges stemming from his organization We Build the Wall, which is accused of tricking supporters into donating $25 million to build a wall on the U.S.-Mexico border. Part of me thrills at the thought of Trump supporters getting fleeced. But deep down, don't we know it's their trans son and librarian husband that have to fly in and figure out how to pay the mortgage?

You know? On his way into court for his arraignment, Steve Bannon declared the following to reporters. This is what happens in the last days of a dying regime. They will never shut me up. They'll have to kill me first. I have not yet begun to fight. They will never shut me up. They'll have to kill me first. Also known as the podcaster's oath. caster's oath.

Las Vegas police have arrested a county official in connection with the stabbing death of Las Vegas Review-Journal reporter Jeff Gurman, who the official had accused of conducting a smear campaign against him. Did he think he was going to get away with murdering a journalist? Who does he think he is? The crown prince of Saudi Arabia? Yeah, we got him.

Meanwhile, Harry Styles and Nick Quirroll smooched during a standing ovation for Don't Worry Darling. Who knew millions of young girls would one day desperately wish they could be Nick Kroll? Who knew millions of young girls and first-wave gay millennials would one day wish they could be Nick Kroll?

Who knew I would wish I could be Nick Kroll. Who knew I would wish I could be Nick Kroll? Florence Pugh. Pugh, phew, phew. Skip the film. Press conference altogether. Allegedly because she was busy filming Dune Part 2, but arrived in Venice

before the event ended wearing a purple pajama set and sipping an Aperol Spritz. More like, don't hurry, darling. Researchers have found that a large glacier in Antarctica known as the Doomsday Glacier, because it could raise sea levels several feet,

is disintegrating faster than previously thought. Calm down, glacier. We're all disintegrating faster than we thought. So true. And finally, NASA scrubbed a second attempt to launch the Artemis moon rocket on Saturday and won't try again for at least a few weeks. Sadly, it's a swing in an Artemis.

Yeah, that's the down note we're ending this segment on. When we come back, I talk to Liz Smith to break down the midterms and my failings as a host. And we're back. The midterms are just around the corner waiting to leap out from behind a shrub, wrestle us into a trunk, and dump us into the reservoir.

Here to discuss it is the author of the new book Any Given Tuesday, A Political Love Story. Please welcome to the stage Liz Smith. Hi, Liz. How you doing? Welcome. Liz, Liz. How you doing? Welcome. Liz, when we asked you what you'd like to talk about during your appearance here on Love It or Leave It, you said the GOP freak show candidates.

How do we narrow that down? It's really tough. For a while, there have been a lot of GOP freak show candidates. But, like, the Senate candidates in Ohio, Pennsylvania, Arizona, Georgia, it's, like, the worst people from, like, Arizona, Georgia. It's like the worst people from the Reddit comments section, from the cantina scene at Star Wars.

Yeah, so you have Mastriano in Pennsylvania, you have Masters in Arizona. Okay, so Mastriano in Pennsylvania, who co-plays as a Confederate soldier in his free time. He was at January 6th. Yes.

And bused people to the Capitol that day. I once went to something that was like Medieval Times, but it wasn't Medieval Times. And we didn't understand until we got there that I believe it was in South Carolina. It was like Medieval Times, but it was Civil War themed. And it was the North versus the South on horseback doing all the things they did in medieval times, but it was

themed around the Confederacy versus the Union. Was it a Donald Trump rally? It was Donald Trump adjacent. I think it was a foreshadowing, I think a bit of an omen. But the night I went, the South won. Here's the question.

When you have people like Mastriano, when you have people like Blake Masters, it came out today that Blake Masters sent a bunch of emails to a co-op listserv, like I think vis-a-vis vegetables, with a lot of anti-democratic screets. How do we campaign against these people that are so off the walls and so extreme in so many different ways? How do you focus on what story you should tell about someone like Mastriano or someone like Blake Masters? But with Masters, too, it came out that he was a 9-11 truther or, you know, just asking questions. He said that the Unabomber was underrated.

There are a lot of directions that one could go in. Like, because he's hot? But it's not just them. You have J.D. V in ohio who said that daylight savings time fucks with women's fertility it's really and it doesn't well not that i know that it's a terrible thing to say well i mean it's a weird thing to say, but I haven't gotten pregnant, so maybe it does. But, I mean, with all of them, it is so fucking weird because you're like, oh, my God, should I go out there and talk about how Dr. Oz said it's totally okay to have sex with your cousin? How J.D. Vance said the daylight savings thing, but that women should stay in abusive marriages.

Should you talk about that? The important thing is to focus on the fact that these guys want to ban abortion in all instances. They want to make sure that we don't have free and fair elections again. The freak show is fun to focus on, but, like, man, these are dangerous fucking candidates that will take our country and take these states straight to hell. You know, there's been some debate about how much we should be making Roe and abortion the centerpiece of what we're doing. And it seems like more and more based on Kansas, based on New York 19, that the arguments against just full heartedly making the midterms a referendum on Roe are kind of falling by the wayside. I think that we should. And what is

interesting is if you look at the advertising from Kansas, a lot of the ads there don't even say the word abortion. It just says, you know, the Republican Party wants to take away your freedom. They want politicians to make your health care decisions. And every district, we got to make different arguments. But Roe, like Dobbs, has shifted the nature of the midterms, shifted the landscape in a way that I haven't seen since 9-11, you know, which like Masters apparently thinks was an inside job. And what temperature does steel melt at? Okay, I'm just kidding. I know and it's fine.

And I know that Fidel Castro is not Justin Trudeau's father. We know that. I didn't even know that was a thing. Here's the thing. Here's the thing I'll tell you, Liz. I know that he had, like, said a nice thing about him once. Yeah, as you do. I don't really see.

Here's all I'll say about this. And then we have to. Look, you could audibly hear Brian's eyes rolling back in his head. Here's all I'll say. I don't know if Fidel Castro is the father of Justin Trudeau. That's not something I know the answer to. Don't claim to. Never have.

Never will. Just asking questions. I am asking. Well, I don't actually have a question. I have an answer. Here's the answer. I don't know if it's true or not, but I do know it hasn't been debunked. And there's a lot of people out there claiming it's been debunked, but they haven't accounted for the second trip.

One issue I wanted to discuss with you we're going to tackle now, but we're going to do it, you know, in classic Love It or Leave It style. So now it's time for OK Stop. But this isn't any old OK Stop. This is a gentle critique of some slight missteps I may or may not have had with your old boss, Secretary Mary Pete. Secretary Mary Pete works, yeah. Now, before we roll this clip, you mentioned as you were arriving today that you happened to have

seen Secretary Pete, and the fact that you were going to appear on this show came up, and you started to tell me, and I did stop you so that my reactions could be real and sincere. Walk us through what happened. Okay, so Secretary Mayor Pete was in L.A. yesterday announcing amazing infrastructure projects with the mayor of L.A., local officials, all that stuff. And I had the chance to see him briefly last night. And the first thing I said to him was,

hey, by the way, I'm doing John Lovett's live show last night. And the first thing I said to him was, hey, by the way, you know, I'm doing John Lovett's live show tomorrow night. And he just looked at me and went, oh, God. That guy? But then I tell him, like, sort of what the interview is going to be. Like, and that one of the things is

we're going to do, okay, stop, but instead of analyzing a politician's media appearance, I'm going to be analyzing John Lovett interviewing Pete. John Lovett's Stan, another elected official who I've consulted with, I'm not going to

mention his name, is a massive fan. Listen to all this. Politicians, listen, it's important. It's an important show to politics. And he called me out of the blue today and I was like, oh shit, is there something wrong? Whatever. And he was like, okay, we need to talk about your love it or leave it appearance tonight. And he was like, so if you ever

get in a pinch, if you're ever in a tough spot, just relentlessly fucking mock him. Because you know what? Because the crowd will love it. They'll eat it up. And sickly, he will too. I got

a little more. I got more. You know what? Again, I was told that this is sort of your kink, okay? What else did you learn through your research? And so I said to Pete, I was like, well, this is the deal.

So I am doing a segment with him called Okay, Stop, where we are going to analyze his interviews with you. And I stop and get to tell him when he really fucked up. And Pete's like, wow, well, you know, that's good. I didn't know John had

that sort of level of self-awareness to know how those interviews went. And, you know, that gives me a new level of respect for him. And I don't know how many of you know Mayor Pete. I don't know how many of you are from the... No, none of them know him.

You sure do. How many of you are from the Midwest, but that's like Pete's Midwestern way and like the Mayor Pete way of saying, bless his heart. And I hope he chokes to death in his sleep tonight. Let's roll the clip. We have such great visibility on that as a department, right? Funding things in all of the states and for that matter, tribes and territories around this country that I think we can kind of cross pollinate the best from one place into another. So you are saying it's not the size of the, of the infrastructure package. It's how you use it. That's sort of what I'm.

Both. It's both. I mean, look, part of why this is really important because part of why the last round of negotiations didn't make it was because our negotiating partners just wouldn't get there on, you know, the level of dollar amount. Okay, stop. Okay, stop. I feel so much secondhand embarrassment for you right now. Okay, that's fine. And I just want to know, like, did you ask, like, Favs or Vitor or, like, Pfeiffer? Like, hey, when I have an interview with a cabinet secretary, should I lead with a fucking dick-sized joke?

You're not putting it in a very kind way. Can we just hear the next sentence I said? Because I i defend myself actually i'm offended i'm sorry i'm offended i made a reference to a package it is pride there was an innuendo there and you ignored it this is pride oblivious i see that from now on frank kameni did not protest in front of the White House so that you could ignore my jokes during Pride, Pete. Secretary Pete. I'm sorry to disappoint.

So, okay, stop. I just gave you important context. Okay, stop. It's important context that it was June. I said it was June. And he's the first gay cabinet secretary. I'm the first gay cabinet secretary. I'm the first gay host of Love It or Leave It. And that's two people who broke barriers in Pride.

And I thought there was sort of a gay-to-gay kind of wavelength with which we could communicate. Did you think you guys met on that wavelength? It turns out we did not. One of our radios was not working. This is the thing I love about Pete is, you know, one of the things that vaulted him from being like sort of an unknown mayor, top of the presidential field, won Iowa, was the fact that he never said no to an interview. He would do any interview. But like, I think after doing that interview he was just like you know what

I don't want to do an interview not only with John Lovett ever again but with anyone ever again really

it was that bad well no I mean that's just like me translating his face yeah his face yeah maybe this is a bad example

we have another example let's roll the clip is Adam Driver hot okay stop just stop for one second when you look at his face His face, yeah. Maybe this is a bad example. We have another example. Let's roll the clip. Is Adam Driver hot? Okay, stop. Just stop it for one second. When you look at his face, you just see the disappointment.

He's like, God fucking damn it. I thought I was sitting down with Jon Favreau. Yeah. It's always, here's the thing. We have gotten reports that it's a little bit

of a crapshoot doing a Pod Save America interview. You don't know which one of us you're going to get. Because it's just And they're not talking about Favreau.

But, however, one thing I will say is I can see a smile on his face because he realizes, oh my god, finally an interviewer who makes me look tall. You fucking bitch. Let's roll it. Some mysteries are just beyond what we can

really speak to with Yes or No. But you know about Adam Driver. He's from Mishawaka which is basically it's like fused. They're basically the Eagleton to Arpani in South Bend.

So he's basically from South Bend. So we're going to claim him. All right. The answer is But I guess it means he must be hot. Okay.

We got there. We got there. That was good. Follow up. Chris Evans, Chris Pratt, Chris Pine or Chris Hemsworth?

Chris Pine was in the Star Trek one, right? Correct. Oh, wait, but Chris Pratt was in Parks and Recreation. Correct. Indiana Connection, gotta go with him. All right. For the record, he said he would fuck Chris Pratt.

All right. Okay, okay. Okay, stop. Okay, stop. People are slouching their faces in embarrassment. They're freaking out. It feels so bad to watch this. I mean, look, I'm not going to speak for Mayor Pete here,

but like, okay, stop, because we all know the only answer there is that Chris Evans is the only fuckable Chris. Oh, please. Is the most fuckable Chris. Well, first of all, they're all fuckable. Thank you. Okay.

Let's be honest. Okay, but I know. We're all adults here. But that was offensive. That was offensive to suggest that Chris Pratt would be the most fuckable one there. And we have to put aside the fact that Pete Buttigieg is right there, a presidential candidate. And that's a pretty big thing to put aside. It's like, you know, it's like, other than that, you know, Mr. Lincoln, how was the play?

But I don't think this was as bad as that. So it's like, other than that, you know, Miss Lincoln, how was the play? But... I don't think this was as bad as that. But, you know... I don't even think it's in the conversation. I think in terms of interviews that were done with Pete over time, it was up there. It was like, yeah, like Ford Theater.

Yeah, like Ford Theater sort of stuff. Well, Lincoln wasn't interviewed at Ford Theater. He was actually kind of, that was his time off. That was his off time. Okay, well, question. When I get to interview Secretary Pete again, which I will, which I do differently.

Keep in mind, I must do it the same way. Right. Okay, but then, but like, so for me, if I were asking questions of a cabinet secretary and it's like, who would you rather? I would ask about the other members of the cabinet. I'm not saying you should ask me about that.

What if I start answering, just like, Haviland. And it's like, that's weird. I didn't even say that name. That's a real feeling he has. But who would you in the cabinet? Thank you so much, Liz. Buy her book any given Tuesday at brick-and-mortar bookstores near you.

When we come back, Trump's newest lawyer is in the building. One more time for Liz Smith. That was so great. Thank you. That was awesome. Thank you. Hey, don't go anywhere.

There's more of Love It or Leave It coming up. And we're back. Over the years, former President Donald Trump has been represented by some of the nation's finest legal minds. Rudy Giuliani. Alan Dershowitz. A clump of hair that crawled out of a pool drain and took the bar exam. But in the wake of the FBI's search of Mar-a-Lago, Trump has struggled to put together a team of seasoned defense lawyers.

For whatever reason, the most respected attorneys have turned down the opportunity to represent a high-profile fascist who never pays his legal bills, leaving the job to inexperienced former Newsmax hosts with a thirst for attention and pain. Here to represent those representatives tonight is the newest addition to Trump's legal team, Mira Scolioso. Okay. Okay. Hi, how are you? Hi.

Hi, Mira. Hi, good evening. It's so nice to see you. Mira Scolioso, come here, give me your hand, will you? Attorney at law. Okay. She's a firm handshake. Jesus Christ.

You like that? Yeah, well, that's what, you know what I say? I tell all my new clients, I tell them, you see how hard I squeeze your hand? That's how hard I squeeze the other guy's balls. Until they pay you the money you deserve. What am I saying? What am I telling all you guys?

You guys all know this from my commercials, huh? You've seen them? We've all seen them. You've all seen them, right? I'm sorry. Your commercials. What firm are you with? What firm am I with?

Scolioso and Bones. It says Scolioso and Bones. You've heard of us? I can't say that I have. No, you've heard of us. He knows the jingle. Come on, guys. Doesn't he know the jingle?

Come on. Let's hear the jingle then. Seven, three, eight. Seven, seven, seven. Scolioso. And Bones. No, and you. Thank you so much.

They recognize it. They recognize it. Oh, come on. Thank you. People say, yeah. Well, you know what? Between the two of us. Okay.

It's actually, it's just Scolioso now. May he rest in peace. My partner, Tony Bones, got pancaked by a falling piano last year. Yeah, I'll tell you what. Only non-cartoon it's ever happened to. Incredible. But what am I supposed to do? Change the jingle?

I mean, look, everyone knows it. You guys know it. It's iconic. You can't change that. You can't change something like that. But may he rest in peace. Good man, Tony Bones. People like Tony.

He was kind of a big personality, life of the party. Tony Bones. Big personality. Yeah, exactly. People loved Tony Bones. People loved Tony Bones. Piano fell on him. Pancaked him to death.

To death. Death on the spot, which is, yeah, the irony of it. The man, he loved playing the piano. He loved playing the piano at parties. Of course you know that. He came up with the jingle. The only thing he loved more than being a personal injury attorney. He had a passion for pianos.

It's just like Alanis Morissette said. It's ironic, isn't it, Johnny? It's ironic. Myra, no offense, but what? Myra, sorry. No, it's either. I thought it was Myra when I came out. You said Myra.

I switched to Myra. Personally, I do think it's Myra. So anyway. Myra. So anyway. It's fine. It's fine. All right. It's probably, it's Myra. Let's say Myra.

Yeah, we'll go Myra from here on out. So Myra, no offense, but why should Trump hire a personal injury lawyer to represent him in a high-profile Justice Department investigation? Well, from what I understand, Rudy, you know Rudy?

Yeah, Rudy Giuliani, yeah, for sure. A wonderful man, Rudy. He saw my billboard from across one of Palm Beach's finest strip clubs. It's the one where, you know the one, you guys know the one, it's the one where I'm punching the alligator and there's gold coins coming out of his mouth? I'll tell you what, I look pretty hot in that one. Well, okay, so the former president is now hiring lawyers off of strip club billboards?

Hey! First of all, it's a cross from the strip club. Didn't I say that? It's a cross. It's on a different side of the street entirely. Okay, that's number one. Number two, not every Trump lawyer can come from some fancy white shoe farm like Newsmax, okay? What, you think I can't handle the case? Well, because I'm a woman? Is that what this is? You think I can't handle it? Can you? Absolutely. You ask me any single question. I got Stanley Grabowski from Tenafly three3 million after he crashed his own van into the Guggenheim. Yeah. And he did 5 mil worth of damage in there. Completely his fault. My man was on his phone checking to see if it was too hot to play mini golf that weekend.

Yeah. Then boom, out of nowhere, fries everywhere. Wait. Wait, sorry. Please, ask away. So he was also eating. Absolutely. And so was I. So was I, sorry. Please, ask away. So he was also eating. Absolutely. And so was I.

So was I, baby. I was eating the Guggenheim's lunch. In court, that is, of course. Scolio so and bones. All right. But that's a totally different area of law. Trump is under investigation for mishandling

sensitive government records, obstructing an investigation, maybe even violating the Espionage Act. Mm-hmm. Listen to me. In front of all these people, ask me anything you want about this investigation. I dare you. Go ahead. Any single question you got. Hit me, Johnny. Okay. Okay, Myra.

Is it true that the FBI agencies have classified documents that describe a foreign nation's nuclear capabilities? The Washington Post reported that this week. No comment. You're doing better than some of those Newsmax people. Thank you. Moving on. What about the photo in the Justice Department filing

of documents clearly marked classified? That seems pretty incriminating. Absolutely. Very incriminating in the Justice Department filing of documents clearly marked classified? That seems pretty incriminating. Absolutely very incriminating for the Justice Department. Those slimy FBI agents were spreading very slippery folders all over the carpet in Donald Trump's home. My client, he's 76 years old, Johnny. He famously has bone spurs and the flexibility of an old wooden broom. Not like me. I'm very flexible, gentlemen. You know what I'm talking about. You've seen

the billboard. Okay, but listen to me. He has bone spurs and flexibility of a wooden broom. What if he had slipped on one of those folders and had a fall? I can only imagine. That's reckless endangerment and we're going to sue Attorney General Derek Garland's ass for every penny he's got.

It's Merrick. It's Merrick Garland. And Trump stole government secrets and hoarded them in an unsecured beach house, trying to hide them like Josh Brolin hiding a suitcase in a vent to outsmart Anton Chigurh. Listen to me, as your attorney, I should inform you that not enough people are going to clock that reference. You're not my attorney. And Trump is just clearly guilty, and the only question now is simple. Is Trump above the law? Tell that to the judge my client appointed, sweetie. Great point. The only reason you're his lawyer is because anyone credible knows he's indefensible.

You've lost Bill Barr. You're the last rung of the legal ladder in our entire society, and yet even still, we don't actually in our bones believe he'll end up in a criminal trial. It's easier to imagine America falling into fascism than Donald Trump facing real accountability. So what does that say about us? What the fuck should I know? Listen to this guy. You just insulted me for 10 minutes. Now you want to shoot the shit? I'm a despicable person, but I'm still a person, okay? I have a dog. I'm a despicable person, but I'm still a person, okay? I have a dog.

All right, get out of here, you legal scamp. All right, all right, I'll get out of here. By the way, listen to me. You ever want to sue the crap out of this venue, you give me a call. I saw a puddle of vodka soda back there. I'm just dying for someone to slip on it. I spilled that vodka soda. You leave Dynasty Typewriter alone.

Get out of here. Personal injury lawyer, Myra Scoliosa, everybody. leave Dynasty Typewriter alone. Get out of here. Personal injury lawyer, Myra Scoliosa, everybody. Uh-oh! I hope I don't fall down some poorly lit stairs on my way back to the green room.

Scolioso and bones! Oh, okay. Thank you, Alyssa. Check out Alyssa's comedy special, No Bad Days on Peacock. That was awesome. When we come back, Emily Heller's here.

And we're back. Chatting about the weather has shifted from water cooler small talk to an ongoing harrowing analysis of the globe's impending demise. And that cooler, well, it's not looking too good either. Los Angeles is in the grip of a heat wave. The West Coast has been seized with a drought warning. Honestly, I don't know how much more bad news I can take. It's Emily's Garden Show. For the garden thing. Come on. I told them not to play it. Not really in the mood to talk about gardening. I get it. You actually didn't want them to play this? No, I actually told them not to play the music. I'm not here to talk to you about gardening today.

You're not? No. I mean, I want to, but I will spare you. I get it. You're hurting. The queen died. You know? It's been 100 degrees all week.

We're Jews. We're not meant to be in this hot of weather. You know? We walked through the desert once 2,500 years ago, and we made our entire religion about complaining about that forever. Yes, it is important that we take credit for it as if we can handle the heat, but also complain about it. It's one of the most important parts of our tradition in the Passover.

Yeah, and it just tells people we don't want to do that again. Right, 100%. It's informing other people. I did not go to Hebrew school. You didn't? No. You never bought mitzvah? No, I didn't. I'm just

culturally intolerant of the heat. Do you want to know a non-gendered phrase for a bar or bat mitzvah? Yeah. It's Bart mitzvah. I am going to have one of those. So anyway, yeah, no. I'm not here for the garden show. I know that that's what people

want. So why are you here? Then why are you here? Then why are you here? I honestly, I just thought for a change of pace, you and I could have just like a fun, frivolous celebrity chat. Really? Yeah. Does that sound good? I would love that. Okay, good.

That's exactly what we need. Take a load off. Look, I even wrote out some cards for you. Oh, some cards. Wow, I got my own cards. You brought cards. New segment. Fun. Celebrity. you. Oh, some cards. Wow, wow. I got my own cards. Yeah. You brought cards. New segment. Fun.

Celebrity. Fun. Just low key. Yeah. No stress. Yeah. And it's, you know, don't interpret that as me trying to take over the show. That's, again, not what I'm doing.

That's not why you're here today. I'm being nice. You're being sweet. I mean, you can even see the first card says Kim Kardashian on it. It does. This card does say Kim Kardashian. Yes. Okay. So why don't you read the first card? Okay. Love it. on it it does we're talking about celebrities yes okay so why don't

you read um the first card okay love it's q a for emily yeah thanks so much for having me on your show emily okay this does feel like you're trying to take over i'm pretty sure that was a typo just keep going okay so why do you think pete davidson and kim kardashian broke up a lot of people think it might be because of how intense Kanye was being about it. Maybe people think being called the first guy with BDE was too much pressure. Hard to live up to. But me personally,

I think it had to do with Kim Kardashian's water usage. Her Hidden Hills home and its adjacent lot together exceeded their June budget by about 232,000 gallons. 232,000 gallons? 232,000 gallons? 232,000 gallons. That's a lot of water. It is a lot of water. Alright. Well, that wasn't the most fun and lighthearted bit of celebrity

gossip, but let's talk about cancel culture and Kevin Hart. Everyone loves talking about cancel culture. Do you think we should cancel Kevin Hart for exceeding his recommended water usage budget by 117,000 gallons last year? That's a good question. Yes.

We're going with yes. Yes, we are. Okay, but like, water usage for landscaping, that's gardening. You're talking about gardening. This is a gardening segment. Oh my god. You know, I think you're right. We should do the segment.

We play the song. Talk soil. Damn it. She's your coil. It's Emily's Garden Show. From lettuce to tomato. Dirt and sun and the water flow. She's here to help your plants get real big.

It's Emily's Garden Show. Thank you. I love it. I would like the record to show that you brought that up. They're your cards. You handed me the cards. Look, it is not my fault that gardening is inextricable from the zeitgeist. It's called intersectionality, John. That is not.

I don't think that that's what intersectionality is. Well, I don't read books. The point is, all this stuff is connected, and we need to talk about it. And there was an article in the LA Times about water usage during the drought that people actually read because the LA Times figured out that we can get more people to read about the drought emergency if you put Kim Kardashian's name in the headline. I'm just following their lead here. But why are you doing it to me? I already care about these issues. You're on the show to talk about them. I know,

but isn't that the point of this show? You know, it's for people who don't want to read the news, but still want to know what's going on but they'll only take in that information if there's like jokes about celebrities and poppers. I'd like to think my listeners also read the news. They're supposed to still read the news. I think we should be honest with ourselves about these people do not read the news. All right, fine.

I see your point. Thank you. Was that so fine. I see your point. Thank you. Was that so hard? Yeah, it was. I can't understand how this keeps happening to me. Okay, so we're going to do a quiz. So now you're just giving me orders. Yes.

Do you want to get this over with or not? Okay, are you ready to play Emily's Garden Flow? I didn't name this part of it. How is your garden flow? Hey baby, I got an IUD. I haven't had a flow in eight years. Saving that tampon money for

the nursery. The plant nursery, obviously. It's an IUD. That's the point. Anyway. Question. How many gallons a day per person does the Metropolitan Water District of Southern California say you can currently use? How much water per day per person we're supposed to use? I need a gallon per poop. Just, I don't know.

I'm just spitballing. We'll get to that. There is a question specifically about that. So I'm just saying, I'm going to say two, you've got to hose yourself down. Four, some water to drink. Five, water one plant. Six, I'm going to say eight gallons. That is the worst Feist song I've ever heard.

One for the poop. Okay, it's 80 gallons. 80, cool. 80 gallons, because we use it for, you know, showering and washing dishes and, I don't know, all the things I don't do. Okay. How many gallons of water per day does the average American use? I'm going to say it's going to be more than that.

Does it include my industrial work? Your industrial work? Like the cement I make. Yeah, it does. The heavy processing, the heavy manufacturing. And your homemade paper business. My paper mill.

My paper mill goes through a lot of water. You don't want to know. Also, all the almonds I'm growing. I'm going to say 150. It's 88 gallons. So pretty close. They're asking us to make very reasonable cuts here. Reasonable cuts.

Sylvester Stallone and his wife, Jennifer Flavin, got dinged for using 230,000 excess gallons of water in June. Jesus. What did their lawyer blame the water waste on? They're thirsty. They're thirsty. A lot of work. It's hot. They're walking up.

It's up in the hills. A lot of hill walks. Yeah, and that took thousands. No. They blamed it on their trees. A way of, like, calling yourself an environmentalist to be like it was the trees that's not a good cover they said they have more than 500 mature trees on the property including innumerable fruit trees as well as pine trees which if you can't numerate them, baby. That's too many trees. All right.

230,000 gallons is equivalent to roughly how many toilet flushes? 230,000 gallons. I'm going to say 460,000. No, it's 150,000. So it's multiple gallons per flush. Multiple gallons per flush. And then if you're Trump, it's like, do you count the flushes or do you count the number of times you go to the bathroom? Because we know he does it three times, right?

Yeah, at least within 12 flushes. Every time he takes a shit, it's three. Yeah, so that's way more for him. Okay. Can I tell you something? Yeah. If I'm pooping in a public place, I will do a mid-courtesy flush. Midway.

Is that okay? Legally? Okay, you're shitting and you reach behind yourself. I'm reaching back. I'm reaching back. I don't want to ruin the room. I don't have the back for that. I can't do it.

I can't be using it. I'm sorry. You can't physically turn to reach something behind you? Not while I'm already... Go to a doctor. Not while I'm using my... You're a young woman. I'm using a lot of muscles for something else halfway through.

You don't know what I eat. It's not good for me what it is. But I do it anyway because I make a calculated risk. I say, is it worth it? Yes, it is. Okay. Dwayne Wade and Gabrielle Union exceeded their water usage in June by 90,000 gallons I don't care they're allowed to

this was an improvement they are champions for trans youth they can use as much water as they fucking want that's the deal I'm making I don't care I'm being serious too you're championing trans youth and then just making sure that they won't have water

when they're trans adults you don't know what they're doing with that water. Maybe they're spraying it at some of these anti-gay politicians. They're not. They said it was an issue with their pool. This 90,000 gallon overage in June was an improvement over their usage in the month of May. How much did they exceed their water allotment in May by? 94,000.

489,000 gallons. I don't care. They can do whatever they want. They get as much water as they want. That's my view. My sincere view. They get as much water as they want. All right. Just them. Which two Kardashians are under fire

for exceeding their water usage? I'm going to say Kendall and Kim. Kylie and Kim. It's Kim and Kourtney. Kim and Kourtney. Yeah. Just to cycle back to Sylvester Stallone and his soon-to-be ex-wife, Jennifer Flavin, they also recently announced that they will be getting a divorce.

In their announcement, they cited access, water, waste as the reason. Is that true or false? What? I'm going to say true. It is false. I don't think it helped, but according to TMZ, they're getting divorced

because Sylvester Stallone got a Rottweiler named Dwight against Jennifer's wishes. Let's deeper communications problems. It's not the dog. It's what know that on some level we all know that the dog was a symptom final question in this water quiz do you know about the psychic readings that jackie stallone used to do it was called rumpology cool i don't know about that it was when she'd look at your butt and then give you a psychic reading. Like, left cheek was your past, right cheek was your future,

and then crack was just your personality. That fucking checks out. All right, so we get it. We're not supposed to be using water. What are we supposed to do about it? Okay, so obviously at this point we know we're not going to individually recycle our way out of global warming. We need to yell at Joe Biden about it. We need to get off of fossil fuels.

But I will say, if you have a lawn in Southern California, I hate you personally. It needs to go. It will make me very mad walking around seeing it. And if you get rid of your lawn, so many better things will happen in your life. You can plant California native plants. I planted a bunch of narrow leaf milkweed, which happens to be the only food that monarch caterpillars eat. And I got to watch four different caterpillars go through their five different instar stages, eating the milkweed.

They made their little chrysalises. Four out of five stages are fucking gross. They dangled upside down and then they wiggled out of their little skins and then they formed a chrysalis that was beautiful and then inside their bodies liquefied into a goo. And then

their entire DNA changed and then they came out a different animal two weeks later. This is the one cool part. You just mean don't have lawn grass. You still have a flat area

where people can stand, right? Say for parties that you've been to at my house where I'm letting the lawn die. You're letting the lawn die? We're gonna get through it. But I'm just gonna let the lawn die and honestly, 90% of the reason so that you wouldn't yell at me. You're letting the lawn die. We're going to get through it. But I'm just going to let the lawn die. You're going to let it die, and you're going to put...

And honestly, 90% of the reason, so that you wouldn't yell at me. Swear to God, it came up in conversation. This must all die. It's got to go, yeah. Emily's going to see what happens here. She's going to be invited here. This has to not be green when she gets here. And you know what is so funny about that?

Is that it's not going to get you out of me yelling at you. All right. Thank you guys so much. Get out of here, Emily Heller. Emily Heller. Thank you, Emily. Check out her stand-up album called Pasta. You can buy it.

Check it out. It's so funny. We come back. It's Emmy season, baby. And we're back it's time for one of the best holidays of the gay calendar year not the Oscars which is Christmas or the Tonys which is Hanukkah

it's the Emmys which is like Groundhog Day a chance to pop out of your filthy little hole look around and see what's been happening on primetime television here to discuss this Monday's upcoming awards is hilarious Marcella Arguello and the wonderful Andrew Farmer.

Come on out. Good to see you both again. All right, question for you both. Do you plan to use your one wild and precious life to watch the Emmys, which are for some reason on Monday? They're Monday Emmys. Monday.

Fight night. You know that Beyonce song where she goes, no. That's where I'm at. No. Yeah, that song. No. That's my response. Andrew, just to see what Christine Baranski's hair is doing. That's all I care about.

Andrew, the last time you were on this show, you gave us a lovely look into an HBO show called Yielded Age. How are you feeling about the Christine Baranski snub? I mean, here's the thing. I don't think she cares at all. I don't think Christine Baranski absorbs anything in the world around her because she's a golden

orb of light. You know? I never noticed this. It's now, has it always been this way that it's divided up into production design of period things and contemporary things? Yes, I saw that. There's an old timey award and then a new award. Yeah.

Do you think it's because some of the shows set in today were like, hey, we're getting killed over here. They got horses and carriages. We're just doing normal rooms. That's true. Yeah, low rise jeans against boning on a corset. I don't think so. We don't think so, Marcella.

What do you watch on TV these days? I've been watching This Fool on Hulu. You watch that? No. Oh, man. Your white-ass audience needs to tune in to one of the best comedy shows on Hulu right now. It's starring comedians Chris Estrada

and Frankie Quinones. It's hilarious. It's based in LA. It melds old-school humor and new-school humor. I love it. I have to in LA. It melds old school humor and new school humor. I love it. I have to tell you, that really did sound like a promo. It's so good. It sounded like a written promo.

Look. It sounded like you have been paid to. That just came out trippingly. That's amazing. I love it so much. You don't understand. These dudes are such great comedians

and they're such great writers and all the writers are outstanding comedians as well, which I don't know if you guys know this. A lot of the comedy shows on television aren't funny because they do not put comedians and they're such great writers and like all the writers are outstanding comedians as well which i don't know if you guys know this a lot of the comedy shows on television aren't funny because they do not put comedians in the writer's room i don't know if you know this but that's a fact and this fool does and there's a lot of white people here that don't watch enough diverse shows because the fact that it was like three people that clapped and i'm assuming those are the three

latinos that are here right is that what here, right? Is that what I was? Yeah. You guys know what's up. I won't let you speak this way so convincingly about this audience. They know who they are. Andrew? Yes? Oh, what am I watching?

What are you watching? Okay, I have to admit, I have watched almost none of the Prestige shows. That's cool. I have watched all of Selling Sunset and as much as I could take of Selling the OC. Which I think it's like when you're not a TV writer yet, it's like, I'm going to watch every good show. And then you become a TV writer and it's like, give me trash.

Yeah, I know. I hear that. Yeah, and so that's where I am now. I just want full trash. I just want Christine Quinn's long braid straight to the ground. So here's the thing. And again, I had a problem. I tried to watch this selling of Sunset, and the challenge that I had was this. In a very early episode, they ordered two adults are at dinner, and they order a margarita

pizza and two espresso martinis. And I've just never been able to get past it, because either it's fake or it's real. If it's fake, I don't want to keep watching it. If that's their real order, I don't want to keep watching it. If that's their real order, I don't want to keep watching it. I have to tell you, my favorite moment of a food they order,

somehow this is a subcategory of the show. They're constantly ordering food that no one touches. And one time in an early episode, a waitress comes by and just goes,

your lettuces? And drops them. Your lettuces. Is that the plural of lettuce? I guess. I mean, to me... What would else be? Would it be leti?

Is she saying... I mean, she could be saying, you are lettuces, you know? I feel homophobic listening to you guys talk about reality television. I don't watch it, so... Maybe listen, maybe learn, maybe grow. Fuck!

I hate growing. You see how big I am? I've grown enough. I have grown enough. Some of us, by which I mean me, might be content to watch season five of Drag Race on repeat as a method to calm myself at night. Others are in the know when it comes to Emmy nominees.

It's time to see which camp you'll fall into, Andrew and Marcella, when we play Obscure Emmys Trivia. You guys need a wagon. Yeah, what happened to our... Thanks, Brian. Something's wrong. Something's wrong. That's the wrong siren.

All right, here we go. Question one, we'll start with Marcella. Hello. Hello. Rumor has it someone like you can name the winner of this year's Outstanding Variety Special, pre-recorded, Emmy. Oh, is that a stand-up comedy thing?

Hello. Rumor has it someone like you can name the winner of this year's Outstanding Variety Special, pre-recorded. Nicole Byer? Andrew. Fuck.

Hello. Rumor has it someone like you I'm homophobic. can name the winner. Yeah, I think it's Adele. I think it's Adele. Maybe you need to open your mind

and watch some things that white people are making like Adele. Never thought about it like that. All right, Marcella. Question. Which of these below deck spinoffs was nominated for an original unstructured reality Emmy? A, Below Deck Sailing Yacht.

B, Below Deck Mediterranean. C, Below Deck Down Under. Or D, Below Deck Oh Those Miami Nights. Is my life on the line? Yeah, in a way, all the time. The third, Below Deck. Incorrect. It was Below Deck Mediterranean.

Other decks that it wasn't was E, Below Deck Upper Deck. End of list. Andrew, question. Your memory better work when pondering this question. Which artist extended their Emmy-winning streak as the most winning black artist this year? Was it A, Will Smith, B, Shauna Rhymes, C, RuPaul, or D, Oprah? It is RuPaul Charles. That's correct.

What? You're getting dominated. I don't watch television. Next question. Alrighty. There's only one four-letter TV show to win a Best Drama and Emmy. What is it? Four letters.

Hopefully, you can find and Emmy. What is it? Four letters. Hopefully you can find the answer. What? Look, he went, I know what it is. Hey, the, uh, maybe you can ride an airplane to the answer to this question without crashing on an island

with some magical properties where there's a polar bear in season one that then when you read about it in a magazine, the showrunners say they don't know's a polar bear in season one that then when you read about it in a magazine, the showrunners say they don't know why the polar bear is there and it disillusions you about television forever because you assume there was going to be

some kind of an explanation, but it turns out they were just trying stuff and that they would have to figure out how to fit it all together in the final seasons, which you never watch because of the article you read about them not knowing why they'd inserted a polar bear in season one on the island where the plane crashed in the final seasons, which you never watched because of the article you read about them not knowing why they'd inserted a polar bear in season one on the island

where the plane crashed in the show called... In the show called... Lost. Correct. Never watched it. I was called the guy because of my hair.

Anyways. Andrew, question. Someone is an Egon if they won all four, an Emmy, a Grammy, an Oscar, Tony, excluding honorary or non-competitive awards?

Oh, I didn't know that was excluding it. Yeah, they don't count that. But I have no chance. They don't count the lifetime achievement ones. This goes to either of you can guess, actually. The closest without going over, how many people have won the EGOT? You got Whoopi. You got Jennifer Hudson.

That's new. That's new. I do know that. That's new. That's new. I do know that. I follow her. That's a brand new one. I know Obama's not there yet, but he's getting close. Oh, God, those are the only two I think I know. No, there's got, oh, Chita Rivera.

No, no. Rita Moreno. Whoa, whoa. He didn't say the thing to me. That's not fair. You just have to say a number. You are not going to get them all. Oh, yeah.

Let's do seven. Let's do seven. No, no, say a number. You are not going to get them all. Oh, yeah. Let's do seven. Let's do seven. No, no, no, bitch. This is a competition. She's so tall. You pick your own number. She's so tall. I'm going to go nine.

Wow. You should have said eight. It's close without going over. What if it's eight? Price is right. It's not. It's 17. But you've gotten it right, Andrew.

Here's the full list. Richard Rogers, Helen Hayes, Rita Moreno, John Gielgud, Audrey Hepburn, Marvin Hamlash, Jonathan Turntunik, Mel Brooks, Mike Nichols, Whoopi Goldberg, Scott Rudin, Robert Lopez, Andrew Lloyd Webber, Tim Rice, John Legend, Alan Mankin, Jennifer Hudson. Pretty good. Well, Cheetah should be on there, I'm just gonna say it.

Question. Which of these shows was not a nominee in this year's outstanding short-form non-fiction reality? A, Full Frontal with Samantha Bee presents Once Upon a Time in Late Night. B, RuPaul's Drag Race, Whatcha Packin' with Michelle Visage. C, Top Chef, Last Chance Kitchen. D, Saturday Night Live presents Lorne's

Corner. I think Saturday Night Live, Lorne's Corner, yeah. Yeah, it wasn't Lorne's Corner. It was actually called Saturday Night Live Presents Stories from the Show. Yeah, that makes sense. Yeah, the musical guest was Marvin Hamlisch. It was crazy. If you were all 75, my target audience,

you would have loved that joke. Loved it. Final question. Who is the first person to win both an Emmy and an Olympic gold medal? I learned it from the card. Oh, but my life is on the line. Is it A, Harry Lever, B, Dick Button, C, Max Balls, or D, Derek Asshole?

Who's homophobic now? It's not me. I will just say, do you remember when at the Oscars the president of the academy accidentally called a nominee Dick Poop? Do you remember that? She said Dick Poop. And the man's name was Dick Pope, so it was close.

But I was like, I think I'd have to just walk into the ocean if I was Dick Pope. Here's the thing. Here's the thing. I feel like it wasn't the first time that happened.

Your name is Richard Pope. Go with Richard. How about Richie? Rich. You don't need to be Dick. Why does anyone, if your name is Richard, why does anyone choose Dick?

Because it's hilarious. What the fuck? I'm going to need an answer. Dick Button, I'm going to guess. Yes, you got it. Let's run the numbers. The winner is Marcella. Sorry, Andrew.

Homophobia wins again. She's taller. Thank you so much to Marcella and Andrew. Follow Andrew at That's a Jellyfish and check out his character set from the Just for Less Festival soon on Meta. Also, if you're in the Pacific Northwest, Marcella has shows soon in Seattle and Portland,

so check that out. And keep an eye out for Marcella's HBO special, which is coming soon. When we come back, we apologize. Don't go anywhere. Love it or leave it, there's more on the way. And we're back. A little housekeeping.

Celebrate the new season with Crooked Coffee's first ever sale. As always, Crooked Coffee orders support Register Her, an organization working to register and activate millions of women across the country to vote. Nothing gets us in the fall spirit like coffee. So Crooked Coffee is having a sale to help you make it through the shorter days and longer to-do lists. and activate millions of women across the country to vote. Nothing gets us in the fall spirit like coffee. So Crooked Coffee is having a sale to help you make it through the shorter days and longer to-do lists. We all have.

Now through this Sunday at midnight, get free shipping when you spend $35 or more. Use the code FUELUP at checkout. Head to crooked.com slash coffee and stock up on some delicious dark or medium roast while supplies last. That's crooked.com. U.S. only. Exclusions apply.

Also, we've got one more tour swing this year in October. Love It or Leave It is going to Pittsburgh, Baltimore, and Philly. It's really Townsend, but Baltimore. We'll call it Baltimore. There's a few minutes outside Baltimore. Buy tickets, Baltimore.

Get your tickets at crooked.com slash events. Gotta tell you, Pittsburgh and Philly sound like gangbusters. Baltimore, step it the fuck up. And we're back. And now for a new segment we're trying out called Our Apologies. Here's how it works. Before us is an edible arrangement. The perfect gift when you need to say sorry.

You'll pick the fruit spear with your name on it and issue your apology. Hopefully it will be accepted. So here's, look, it's a notes app apology era. Let's see, up first, terrific. Up first, we have Marcella. I think we know what she's going to apologize for. Marcella, you're up first with your apology.

Let's hear it. Can I eat the cantaloupe? Yeah, sure. Here you go. What are you apologizing for, you think? No one respects me as a host, fundamentally. At a fundamental level, no one... John, John, John, that's not true. We don't respect you as a person.

I was about to say, as a host. All right, Marcella, it's time for your apology. I'm going to... Look, and cut me off whenever you feel it's necessary because I have a tendency to ramble. I want to apologize

for what I'm about to do. Little town. It's a quiet village. Every day like the one before. Little town filled with little people. And we have to cut you there

or we won't be able to... We can't put the pot out if you sing too much of the song. Marie! The baguettes! Hurry up! Apology accepted. I can do the whole thing.

I can do the... I love doing the food. Thank you, Marcella. Thank you. Thank you. I think we can call that commentary. I think we feel, I feel as though we commented on the song.

And what I wanted to say about that song, the reason we needed to have Marcella sing that song is so we could all talk about some of the moral ideas raised by Beauty and the Beast. Bestiality. The fact that she falls in love with her captor. The fact that when one person does something wrong the people that work

in a kind of salary capacity one assumes are punished for their entire lives also it's not clear do you grow up as a cup? and Mrs. Potts was too old to be Chip's mom doesn't make sense that's ageism

old people be fucking they don't know to be Chip's mom. It doesn't make sense. Whoa! That's ageism. Well, I mean, let's... Old people be fucking. They don't know when their eggs are done. I'm just upset that only one person in that town read books. Andrew, you're up.

What would you like to apologize for in this experimental segment that's working great? All right. We're approaching spooky season, and I have to apologize about a ghostly experience that I have told for years on podcasts,

live shows, around campfires, that I have to issue a very important addendum to. In 2016, it was a dark and stormy November night. I was walking home in the pouring rain, and from about 30 feet behind me, there was a woman in a floor-length black gown soaking wet walking after me like this just walking and i arrived at my apartment building and i was left with the important decision of like do i slam this door behind me

or do i let this person in um and what i realized is i would rather be stabbed to death in the lobby by a spectral woman than even have the slightest hint that I'm a bad neighbor. So I let this woman in. She stood in the center of the lobby. She slowly rotated, looking around. She was soaking wet. She was wearing like a white apron. She had an old fashioned hairdo, Cynthia Nixon wishes and old, old shoes, full black gown. And I went to my apartment and before I closed the door, I was like, have a good night. And without looking at me, she said, so long, and I shut the door. And then I was like, she was saying so long not to say goodbye to me, but that's how long it had been since she had been in this building because she died a long time ago.

So I was telling this story everywhere. It was like my one lone supernatural experience. And once I got interrupted by a friend who was like, that was a Mennonite. And I was like, what? And they were like, you were in Crown Heights? And I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah. They were like, no, that's a Mennonite. There was a Mennonite church in Bed-Stuy

right near your apartment. And I was like, no. And I Googled Mennonite woman. And the first picture was like the exact woman that I saw. So I issue an apology to everyone who ever told that story, and most importantly that poor, wet Mennonite woman who I've been horribly slandering.

Anyway, I'm sorry. I think we accept it. Do we accept the apology? All right. Liz, you're up next. Okay, so I'm not going to eat the fruit. I have one very bizarre allergy, which is pineapple. And I don't know if anyone has an EpiPen here, but I certainly do not.

Can I eat her fruit? Sure. Oh, you can, yes, certainly eat my strawberry. So in the gap between our interview and this, I texted Pete. And he told me he's going to listen to the interview. I want to apologize to Pete.

Because now I... God, fuck, man. You know what? All those interviews, Peter Doocy, Steve Doocy, Fox News, but God damn it, you're right. John Lovett was the worst. I don't accept

that apology. I don't accept what you just said. I reject it completely. Thank you, Liz. But I want to make clear that was just my own editorial That's not from him. No, it's not from him at all. No. I think I'm going to get him back. I'm going to go.

All right, I have an apology I'd like to issue, and here's the apology. There's been a lot in the news about baristas at Starbucks organizing, some successfully facing blowback from the company, facing bad tactics from the company, and I just want to confess to everyone right here, it has not changed my behavior even one little bit. And not even one tiny bit.

I do feel bad. It's changed my emotional experience of going to Starbucks 100% of mornings. So I tip $1 on every drink in part out of my guilt, in part because it's an option. It feels like you should take the option. But here's the thing I'm actually apologizing for. I'm not actually apologizing

for going to Starbucks every morning. I'm not sorry, clearly. My behavior, here's what I'm specifically sorry for. I tip $1 on every single drink, but I don't know what happens to those tips. Specifically, I don't know if people know when they give me the drink or when they make the drink, if they know

I tipped the dollar. Like if they know that I'm tipping every morning. And I want to know if they know, if they see it in some place at some point, that I'm part of the group of people that are tipping because I want them to know I'm doing it, which is a sickness that I have. And I want everyone to know that I'm not acting on that. I can't bring myself to start a conversation about this topic, but I want you to know that that's something I'm feeling. And I'm sorry. I'm really, really sorry. You could always make hard eye contact with them and say,

do you know what I did for you? I said I was sorry. I know it's a bad feeling. That's what this segment's about. I think it's just a very exaggerated sort of like, oh, where's the, oh, that. You have to kind of do that. I want to make the noise to see me putting it in the jar.

You have to do the, yeah. There's no jar. It's in the app. Well, right. One dollar. Per drink every day. That's a the app. Well, right. For $1. Per drink, every day. That's a good tip. No, I'm not embracing it.

God, you broke. Nope, that's a good, it's apology accepted. Next. I have two apologies to make. Wow. First, I want to apologize for tweeting,

it's time for the worm jubilee this morning. I said I'm sorry. I have a more long overdue apology. So this is the week after Labor Day, which traditionally in my household is the time of year when I look at all of the misconnections from Burning Man and I post them online to make fun of the people. And last year people got really mad at me about it.

People who went to Burning Man. They started deleting their posts and calling me mean. Just because I was taking screenshots to mock them on the internet for saying stuff like, you were the one in a cat costume,

and we did contact improv for an hour and didn't say a word, and I just want to know how your afterburn is. And so I want to apologize to the people of Burning Man for quote-unquote ruining your experience, and I'm not going to the people of Burning Man for quote unquote ruining your experience. And I'm not going to do it this year. I mean, I could. We can all go look at what they say.

And me telling you that is not the same as me mocking it. I'm just giving you information that you can do with what you wish. So I'm sorry, I guess. All right. I feel like we should accept. I feel we should accept that apology. All right. Last apology is from Alyssa.

Okay. The grand finale. I'm sorry for every time when I was a kid. Do you remember being a kid and I would get in the car, the first thing I'd do after school is I'd say, what's for dinner? And then if I heard the words leftovers, I'd be like, ah, and now I think this means my mom made a homemade meal every single day of the week, except like maybe once or twice. And on those days I would be like, oh, do you know what I had for dinner tonight? I took a tub of hummus from Trader Joe's, didn't check the date, grabbed a fork. And that was,

that was the dinner. And I had the nerve to be like, oh mom, we have to eat your homemade meal from yesterday. If I have leftovers now in the fridge, that's the highlight of my day. If I know that there's leftovers and if anyone touches them, I'm like, I'll kill you. And my mom worked, she was a teacher. She woke up at 5 a.m. I had one meeting today and this. There's no excuse. There's no excuse. There's no excuse. If I have one meeting that I have to drive to, I'm like,

we're doing takeout tonight. That's enough for me. And so anyway, I apologize to them. Yes. That's a good apology. That's a good apology. So I just want to just, we accepted everyone's apologies except for Liz's. Liz's apology was

not accepted. And that's our apologies. I'm sorry, Wilson! Wilson, I'm sorry! I'm sorry! Please forgive me. I'm sorry! And that's our apologies. When we come back, we'll end on a high note.

And we're back. Now here it is, this week's our apologies. When we come back, we'll end on a high note. And we're back. Now here it is, this week's high note. Hi, Lovett. This is Natalie in Nashville, Tennessee. My high note is that this week marked seven years since my wife Meredith and I met and went on our first date. We're nearly through our first year of marriage, and so I've really been reflecting this week on how grateful I am to be able to call her my wife after growing up thinking that wouldn't be an option available to me. A bonus high note is that we had a date night to see the pod live in Nashville. It was such a great show, and we came away feeling very hopeful and fired up to elect more progressives here in

Tennessee. Thanks for everything. Bye. Hi, Lovett. This is Matt calling from D.C. My high note was I've been dealing with some issues in my personal life, and to blow off some steam and clear my head, I decided to go on a bike ride after work around the National Mall. And while I was biking, I was listening to the most recent episode of Love It or Leave It where Cara Clank did a hilarious impression of the woman who was exonerated after 300 years for being accused of being a witch. And lo and behold, there was a reference to Miss LaPierre's 6th grade class

at North Andover Middle School, where I once went 20 years ago and had very fond memories back in North Massachusetts, learning about the Salem Witch Trials in the nearby town of Salem, and it cheered me up quite a bit. Thanks. Hi, Levitt. My name is Jen Felice from Cheyenne, Wyoming. My high note is that today I learned that my writing candidacy for Wyoming House District 41 was successful,

and we're going to be on the general ballot this fall. While most of the political news out of Wyoming has been, let's say, alarming, there are a number of state seats Dems may be able to flip, primarily here in Laramie County, including my district. Wyoming Dems are scrappy, passionate, and fighting hard for the state we love, even though we know it's a bit of a confusing place from the outside. We'd also love your listeners to know we have a fantastic candidate for Liz Cheney's soon-to-be former job. Lynette Grable is the first indigenous woman to run for federal office in Wyoming. She's an inspiring leader, and every Wyomingite would love to see her message amplified over all of the Cheney-Haggiman nonsense. Thanks for all you do.

Bye. Hey, Lovett. This is Isto and Astoria. I just wanted to thank you for mentioning on your show a couple weeks ago that you could play Portal on the Switch now. It's a Sunday morning, and I am playing that now, and it is a revelation. So thank you. Thanks to everybody who sent in a high note tonight.

If you want to leave us a message about something that gave you hope, call us at 213-262-4427. That is our show. Thank you so much to Emily Heller, Liz Smith, Marcela Arguello, Andrew Farmer, Alyssa Lamparis, and everybody who sent in a high note tonight. There are 59 days until the midterm elections. Go to BoatSaveAmerica.com to sign up and have a great weekend. a great weekend. and Peter Miller are the writers, Bill Lance is our editor, and Kyle Seglin is our sound engineer. Our theme song is written and performed by Sure Sure. Thanks to our designers, Jesse McClain and Caroline Haywood, for creating and running all of our visuals,

which you can't see because this is a podcast, and to our digital producers, Nar Melkonian, Zuri Ervin, and Milo Kim, Mia Kelman, and Matt DeGroote, for filming and editing video each week so you can, and you can find these glorious videos at youtube.com slash crookedmedia.