Lovett or Leave It - Defund the Splenda Police

Episode Date: May 20, 2023

It’s a barn burner of an episode! Luenell answers the hard questions (and a ton of easy ones), while Scott Aukerman and Kyle Kinane ponder the question: would you rather? Tig Notaro and Todd Stashwick go where no Lovett has gone before, and we keep our tootsies warm with the fiery glow of these Hot Takes. Join Friends of the Pod for bonus content, exclusive access and more: crooked.com/friends For a closed-captioned version of this episode, click here. For a transcript of this episode, please email [e-mail] and include the name of the podcast.

Hello, Los Angeles. Look at this sold-out crowd. Welcome to Love It or Leave It, live or else. And to those of you who think this show is written by scabs guess what it's a podcast not a tv show despite my pleas to executives all over this town this strike is about 10 000 dweebs with final draft we write this shit in google docs and stand in solidarity and what shit it is this week uh We have a great show for you tonight.

Lunella's back. And last time she was here, we tried to actually run a segment and it fell apart, so we're just going to ask her questions. She may answer them. Scott Aukerman and Kyle Kinane will play a treacherous round of Would You Rather. And Tig Notaro and Todd Stashwick

will get quizzed on their Star Trek knowledge, and we hope they haven't. You gasped. You gasped in anticipation. And I hope Tig does that thing, which doesn't really say anything, but is bullying me. Plus, hot takes. But first, let's get into it. What a week. But first, let's get into it. What a week. Florida Governor Ron DeSantis made several stops around Iowa last weekend, including an unscheduled visit to a Des Moines barbecue joint after Trump canceled a nearby rally due to a tornado watch.

The tornado never showed up, ultimately avoiding the area due to a DeSantis watch. Speaking of disasters, check out what happens when Ron DeSantis interacts with a person. That was nice. How much does that work? I can't. For those listening, I think you get a sense of it. You do need to see the video or have the video described to you. He rears up and his mouth gets so big. Like he is being produced by some kind of an AI

that kind of understands the facial expressions we make. And I really appreciated this clip of Ron DeSantis because it really, to me, helped me for the first time begin to piece together this person because there's all these stories about how he doesn't like and doesn't do a good job of interacting with people and that he's very closed off. And then there's this public persona, which is this sort of blustery EPA guy from the

Ghostbusters voice thing that he's doing up here. But that performance is what he does because he's just so weird and nerdy and unable to get the interactions right. And I say good luck to him. On Wednesday, Donald Trump took credit for the rollback of federal abortion rights, saying get the interactions right. And I say good luck to him. On Wednesday, Donald Trump took credit for the rollback of federal abortion rights, saying on Truth Social, after 50 years of failure, with nobody coming

even close, I was able to kill Roe v. Wade, much to the shock of everyone. Demanding credit for stuff that voters hate Trump is easily the best Trump. You know that thing where you stub your toe really hard and it doesn't hurt right away? There's this little gap so you have a second just to think about how much it's about to hurt and there's nothing you can do about it? That was my idea. Nobody else thought of it. I got that

done. On Thursday, George Santos communications director Naysa Woomer resigned in a heated email saying, with respect for my colleagues, the people of New York, and most importantly myself, I am honored to tender my resignation. I love it. I just love this idea that like, oh yeah, no, no. It's time for you to do a proud statement of integrity. I knew I wouldn't always agree with every decision made by the Hamburglar. But out of respect for Mayor McCheese, Grimace, McDonald's, and myself,

I must resign in protest. Meanwhile, Noelle Dunphy, a woman who says she secretly worked for Rudy Giuliani during his time as Donald Trump's personal lawyer, is suing the former mayor, alleging that Giuliani sexually harassed her and demanded sexual favors. I don't know. There's something fishy about this story. The Rudy Giuliani I know wouldn't have done all that stuff without butt-dialing three reporters into an accidental conference call.

It's all lies, said Rudy Giuliani, sweating so many rivulets of hair dye that he nearly drowned on dry land. Giuliani denied the accusation by pointing out that he and Dunphy aren't even cousins. Dunphy alleges that Giuliani made sexist, racist, and anti-Semitic remarks during confused and hostile alcohol-laced tirades. The lawsuit claims that one of these anti-Semitic comments was about Passover, with Giuliani quoted as saying, Get over Passover. It was like 3,000 years ago. The Red Sea parted. Big deal. It's not the first time that has happened. Not very Never Forget of you, Rudy.

It's pretty funny. Get over Passover is funny. According to the suit, Giuliani also discussed attempting to sell presidential pardons for $2 million. You might be wondering, isn't selling pardons illegal? Not if you have $2 million. You might be wondering, isn't selling pardons illegal? Not if you have $2 million. Say what you will about Giuliani, but he's a multitasker. He's opening his trench coat to fish out some contraband pardons, and in the very same motion, he's flashing his junk at an employee. A true renaissance man. Former Olympic figure skating gold medalist Sarah Hughes has filed to run for Congress on Long Island as a Democrat.

If elected, Hughes would become the second Olympic skater in congressional history, joining 1998 Nagato ice dancing champion George Santos. John Durham. John Durham, the Trump-era special counsel, has issued a... There needs to be a name for that kind of joke, because it is 100% hacky, everyone does it, I've done it, over and overy. Everyone does it. I've done it.

Over and over again. Never fucking fails. It's the Cheesecake Factory of jokes. You know what I mean? John Durham, the Trump-era special counsel, has issued a report criticizing the FBI for investigating links between the Trump campaign and Russia in 2016,

nearly four years after Trump's attorney general, Bill Barr, tapped him to lead the probe. Durham's investigation cost taxpayers more than $6.5 million, but failed to deliver on the promise of nefarious deep state dealings to destroy Trump from the inside. Of course, that hasn't stopped conservatives from pretending the report is a smoking gun. Here's Alabama Senator Tommy Tuberville. If people don't go to jail for this, American people should just stand up and say, listen, enough's enough. Let's don't have elections anymore. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Tommy, babe, babe. What? Let's take him at his word. We found some things that we don't like happening inside the Justice Department. Let's do a junta? What are you talking about? This is why in Crimson Tide, Denzel Washington also has a key. There's always somebody way too ready to press the red button.

You know what I mean? Goes right to junta. Zero to junta in five seconds. I just wanted to say junta. President Biden and congressional leaders said they felt optimistic about reaching a deal to raise the debt ceiling. Meanwhile, Senator John Fetterman said if a proposal pushes people into poverty, he can't support it in good conscience. And he has allies, as Dianne Feinstein also cannot support it in good conscience or consciousness. Sam Altman, the CEO of OpenAI, testified before a Senate subcommittee on Tuesday and urged lawmakers to regulate AI technology. I, for one, see merit in regulating the terrifying, potentially omniscient power of artificial intelligence, said Altman, sweat pouring down his face. For example, its power to trick a tech CEO into locking his genitals into a On Tuesday, California Senator Dianne Feinstein seemed to not recall her two-and-a-half-month absence from Washington,

insisting to a reporter, No, I've been here. I've been voting. Please, you either know or don't know. At least we finally have an answer to the age-old question, What if The Notebook were a horror movie? I blame the reporters for asking her these gotcha questions when they knew she couldn't see a mirror to reference all her upper body reminder tattoos. And on Thursday, the New York Times reported that Feinstein is significantly more unwell than previously known, which is why we're sending four gay guys and one loud non-binary person to give her life a complete makeover.

According to the Times' Andrew Contracting Shingles, Feinstein developed facial paralysis known as Ramsey-Hunt Syndrome, as well as encephalitis, or swelling of the brain. In other words, Dianne Feinstein's brain is bigger than ever. Now quit being sexist and help me lift her voting arm. Just ten more. Greg Gianforte of Montana signed legislation this week that would ban TikTok in the state, saying it'll protect Montana's private data and sensitive personal information for being harvested by the Chinese Communist Party. Oh no, what will China do without access to the

sensitive internet histories of Montana? It's like best cowboy hat to wear to an interview or diners that let you smoke inside or Buffalo getting married, full video. Democrat Donna Deegan was elected mayor of the city of Jacksonville, Florida, overturning what was formerly... Yeah. Overturning what was formerly the most populous city with a Republican mayorship. That title now belongs to New York.

Colorado... Colorado Congresswoman Lauren Boebert has filed for divorce from her husband Jason Boebert. The Y is silent. Are you picturing it? It's Jason, and there's a Y. According to a Colorado process server,

Boebert's husband was drinking beer out of a glass and cleaning a gun when he arrived and became enraged when handed the divorce papers. Boebert, of course, is best known for getting arrested for exposing himself to a minor at a bowling alley in 2004. And now he's dating Marjorie Taylor Greene. This season is going to fucking rule. A 15-year-old high school student in Missouri was suspended after she filmed her geometry teacher repeatedly saying the N-word. Geometry teacher. Do you know how pathologically committed to saying the N-word you have to be to fit it into geometry? English history, you can read Huckleberry Finn, you can quote some Civil War general,

you've got options. This guy's starting point was Sohcahtoa. The World Health Organization is warned against using artificial sweeteners, saying that long-term use could pose various health risks. When I read this story, I was so shocked I almost knocked over my Diet Coke IV stand. Shut up, WHO. Absolute fucking nerds. Remember when you said masks were just for doctors and fags? Eat shit. I don't believe any of this. I'd love to hear the genius at the WHO explain how I, a man composed of 80% Diet Coke, only feel medium bad most of the time. how I, a man composed of 80% Diet Coke, only feel medium bad most of the time.

The WHO added, that doesn't mean you should switch to sugar. Instead, they recommended diet with less sweetness. I know the WHO means well, but I'm obviously not going to switch to black coffee like I'm suddenly Columbo or something. Three days of that and I'll be arrested for trespassing to suck on strangers' hummingbird feeders. Elon Musk this week doubled down on his false claim

that there's no proof that the Allen, Texas, mass shooter was a white supremacist in an interview with CNBC saying this. It was, I think, incorrectly ascribed to be a white supremacist action. And the evidence for that was some obscure Russian website that no one's ever heard of that had no followers. And the company that found this is Bellingcat. Right. And do you know what Bellingcat is?

PsyOps. In reality, law enforcement investigators have confirmed that the shooter posted neo-Nazi content, had swastika and SS tattoos, and ascribed to Nazi views. Here's what I'll say about all of this. There is a Tesla outside this theater. The key is in it.

Just make it go away. Please. I can't take it anymore. You try to drive by the writers and hunk, you think you're doing a fucking Nazi salute out there. They don't want honks from a Tesla. They're not the honks they want. Sucks ass.

Musk also tweeted this week that George Soros, who recently dumped all of his Tesla stock, hates humanity and reminds him of Magneto. When asked about those tweets in that interview with CNBC, Musk denied that his comments were based on anti-Semitism, adding this. Definitely, I'm like a pro-Semite, if anything. Elon added, I love Jews. I hear them all the time. There's a

couple right off camera going like this. For those at home, I made the cut-it-out hand gesture. Martha Stewart is on the cover of this year's Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue, becoming the oldest swimsuit model in the magazine's history at age 81. The oldest until, yeah. The oldest until now, said Dianne Feinstein. Striding onto the Senate floor.

Striding onto the Senate floor in a bikini and voguing for the C-SPAN cameras as her staff raced after her with a big net. At Cannes, to promote his new film, Johnny Depp was asked by a reporter what he thinks of people who say he shouldn't be at the film festival. Depp said this. What if one day they did not allow me, under circumstances no matter what I cannot go to McDonald's for life because somewhere if you got them all in one room there'd be 39 angry people watching me eat a Big Mac on a loop just for fun.

Who are they? Why do they care? Some kind of some species some tower of mashed potatoes covering the light of a computer screen anonymous

with apparently a lot of spare time. I don't think I'm the one who should be worried. I think people should really think about what it's all about, really. I'm loving it. What the fuck was that?

You gotta know you can get that question. Is there like a PR person on screen being like, nailed it, buddy. You got it, boss. Issue resolved. I think where he went wrong is I think you can't talk about McDonald's, which evokes fries,

and then make the people watching you at the McDonald's mashed potatoes. Among other places. Where he went wrong. Two people were arrested in South Carolina on Mother's Day after one of them dropped 1,500 grams of cocaine out of a fake pregnancy belly. Congratulations, it's a felony.

A Colorado driver who was pulled over for speeding tried to switch seats with his dog to avoid being arrested for drunk driving. And it would have worked, too, if the dog hadn't been absolutely blasted. A volunteer officer with the LAPD fell to the ground and was stung by bees over a dozen times while responding to a call about a large swarm

plaguing an Encino neighborhood. They should have sent a SWAT team. I just need to know, what's the plan here? Why did the LAPD send a cop? Later on, they did send bee removal experts, so they knew there was somebody they should call. So was the cop going to shoot the bees? Furthermore,

what did the volunteer cop expect to happen? He didn't have gloves or a hat or long sleeves. Before you get on me and say, well, maybe they didn't know I have all the information. But if someone calls you and says there are bees, you have all the information. Also, the cool thing about bees is when there are a lot of them, they let you know.

By famously buzzing. Also, what's a volunteer cop? Anyway, shout out to bees, the cops of the bug world. When asked for comment, the LAPD said the bees had a gun. Now, it is head writer Hallie Keeper's birthday. Hallie, would you mind joining us on stage? Hi, Hallie. In honor of your birthday, we have three jokes on cards for you to read to everyone.

Happy birthday, Hallie. Thank you. Take it away. I don't know what these are. Okay. Oh, brother. Well, fair enough. And by the way, Hallie's parents are in the house.

Yes, my parents and my Aunt Eden. All right. Well, these are barely jokes, but okay. Wow. Dianne Feinstein seemed to downplay or forget she was ever absent from the Senate. This is a shit you can get away with when you're so fucking hot.

And that's the truth, Bob, okay? Yeah, like, that's not a joke. It's just my delivery, you know what I mean? Wow. Okay. Earlier this week, Elon Musk said that George Soros hates humanity and reminds him of Magneto,

which many took to be anti-Semitic. Cancel culture has gone too far. What's next? I can't, as a joke, throw a gold coin down the hallway at work to see if Lovett will chase it? Oh, my God. I'm from Ohio, and that's how we pass the time. As a queer woman, let me say the woke police have gone too far. And that's a truth bomb, okay?

And finally, a spokesman for Prince Harry and Meghan and Mark will claim they were in a two-hour car chase with the paparazzi, but NYPD said it was hardly a chase. Who are going to believe a bunch of serial exaggerators are the NYPD? And that's a true thought right there.

I either wrote or co-signed every Diane Feinstein joke. I'm sorry, she has encephalitis. We've got to get her out of there. Halle Kiefer, everybody. Thank you. You're doing great, sweetie. Get out of here. And finally, the Oscar Mayer Wienermobile has been renamed the Frankmobile,

and the vehicle's wiener whistles will now be known as Frankwhistles. In a related story, the fast food chain Wienerschnitzel has been renamed, you guessed it, Penis Meat Depot. When we come back, Lunella's here. And we're back

The last time she was on Love It or Leave It we quizzed our next guest on the very specific details of last summer's celebrity jet scandal Drake's flight times, flight lengths specific quantities of carbon emissions produced by Taylor Swift's plane the whole shebang and our next guest really refused to embrace the premise of the segment and took over the show completely

so now we're just going to do whatever. Please welcome back to the show, Lou Now. Come on. How you doing? Hi, everybody. No, no, it's me. I'm hi, everybody. Hi.

Very. Very. When you were on this show last time, did you have any idea what it was? No, I still don't really know what the fuck's going on. Do you think that that's why you introduced yourself to me backstage? Yeah, that's probably why. I forgot. It's been a while.

Okay, it meant a lot to me. Clearly. Alright. Here's the deal. I just want to get your take on some stuff. I'm basically going to go until Malcolm or Brian says we have to stop. Okay. Oh, and this is a segment we're calling

Show in Lun stop. Okay. That's it. Okay. Oh, and this is a segment we're calling Show and Lunel. All right. What do you think about Taylor Swift potentially dating Matt Healy? Who's Matt Healy? He's the lead singer of a band called the 1975. Okay, so he's nobody. What do I think about Taylor Swift dating a nobody?

sure if that's how you want to interpret the question I think that Taylor is always looking for love and inspiration in her songs and that you know every breakup she make a million dollars out there everybody should break up we should make a million dollars she write a song about him so So I say, go, Taylor, do your thing, girl. Taylor Swift manages to be a slut but not look like one. She looks so innocent, but she'd be straight giving up that pussy, though. Sorry, Taylor. Sorry, Taylor.

Sorry, Taylor. Sorry, Taylor. Should Google delete accounts that have been inactive for two years? Like Gmail and YouTube? Yes. Makes more space for my OnlyFans pictures. That's smart. For $9.99,

you can get your life changed, baby. And I'm having a clearance sale. Getting ready for my summer beach body nudes, you know? It would definitely change my life. Next. Are you going to see the new Little Mermaid? Should Disney make these live-action remakes, and which one should they do next?

I absolutely, positively want to see the Little Mermaid, but due to my schedule and things, I don't really have a lot of time to go to the movie theater, and if I sit in a cold, dark room and have to be still, I'm going to sleep. And I don't want to go to sleep on the Little Mermaid. So if I get a chance to see it, I fully support it. I can't wait to see it.

It looks beautiful. And what was the other question? What other animated Disney movies would you want to see as live action? Well, they already did Popeye. Maybe The Jetsons. Sure. Yeah? Maybe the motherfucking Jetsons have always been ahead of their time.

That means they had a maid, Rosie, the robot. Do you remember? How old are these motherfuckers? Anyway, moving on, sorry. No, I'm thinking about it. Jetsons. They've already done the Flintstones. They already did.

Remember the Flintstones with Rosie O'Donnell and John Goodman? And Halle Berry. And Halle Berry. And Halle Berry. All right. You now have to make a very important decision. Okay. You're the deciding vote. This has been a tie score on the internet all week.

I'm the deciding vote? You're the deciding vote for our society. Pressure. Wait a minute. You can handle it. Okay, come on. Bring it. Who's hotter, young Al Pacino or young Robert De Niro?

We have photos for your reference. Oh, well, wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Everybody, give it a second. Give it a goddamn second. Right. Because Pacino got that swag, though.

And when he was young, he was a straight thug, and I love that shit. And he's still the fucking boss, you know? Thug, and I love that shit. And he's still the fucking boss, you know? And Al Pacino was a beast and a monster and so passionate. He was fine, too. Oh, shit, my nipples is getting hard talking about. Hey, don't give that.

Down, down, girl. Down. You're supposed to charge for that. Oh, my God. I don't want to give that away. So I'm the determining factor? Yeah, you got to decide. Well, I'm going to have to just give it to the boss. I'm going to give it to De Niro.

Yeah. I got to. Al Pacino followed in his footsteps. De Niro didn't follow in his. Interesting. Facts. Okay. So I have to give it to the boss.

I want to see what the crowd thinks. All right. Don't over... What the fuck you told me? I was determined to play. Fuck what they think.. I want to see what the crowd thinks. What the fuck you told me? I was determined to fight. Fuck what they think. Do you want to know what they think? Nobody need to ask them.

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to offend you. I'm good. Go ahead. Let's see what they talk about. How many people say Pacino? How many people say De Niro? But they both, I smash either one of them back.

They can both get it. What do you think about AI? Are you worried about it? No. Not at all? No. You don't think it's going to take all the jobs? No.

Robots will never be able to be barbers. They'll never be able to cut men's hair. You're going to always need a human to do that. Sure, okay, that's one job. That's one job. Yeah, but it's a job every motherfucker need, though. That's a really good point. That's a really good point.

Okay. And funeral directors. Robots will never be able to do that. Yeah, you need a person. That's a sensitive. You need a person in that moment. You don't want to see a robot. Brazilian wax technician.

I don't want a robot doing that. I need a human. I think it's cool that you went to Brazilian wax technician before pilot. Well, you asked me. No, I... For shit. And pilots. Actually, pilots don't fly the plane now.

They just... Facts. Did y'all know that? Did y'all know they'd be up there bushing in the plane beyond cruise control? I fly all the time. I know all this shit. I currently drive, hopefully for a limited time, a Tesla. And it's cool.

It drives itself on the highways. It barely hits anything. You know, it basically can recognize almost everything. Almost. And that's the cool thing about it basically can recognize almost everything. Almost. And that's the cool thing about it. We're about to human form. Can it recognize that? Most of the time. And that's all you need.

What do you think happens when we die? I hope to never find out. That's cool. No clue. I thought I never find out. That's cool. No clue. I thought I hoped you knew. No, I don't know, baby. Damn.

I'll ask other people then. Yeah. All right, we're going to open this up. You can ask Linnell one question. Just one? Like all these motherfucking... Oh, you mean one question per person. We're not going to go... I'm like, these motherfucking... Oh, you mean one question per person. No, we're not going to go...

I'm like, one motherfucking question. Look at all these goddamn people. Yeah. Hi, everybody. Awesome. Let's go. Somebody do raise their hand. Hi, what's your name and what's your question?

Hi, my name is Emma and my question is, you know, it's your last meal. What are you eating? Well, I'm not watching? Hi, my name is Emma, and my question is, you know it's your last meal. What are you eating? Well, I'm not watching my weight or my blood pressure, so it's my last meal. Probably, I really love gumbo, if you know what gumbo is. Probably gumbo with some bacon on the side. And, like, you know, mashed potatoes. I mean, I'm fitting to die, right?

Yeah. You have it all. Yeah, I want some mashed potatoes and shit. You know? Lobsters. All kinds of shit. Nice.

What's yours, Lovett? What is mine? God, is it just fast food? Am I that disgusting? Come on, don't do that. Don't do that. Is this like the last meal I'm going to get on this beautiful planet and all it's bounty and I'm like,

I guess a chalupa, but steak, which is more. Not something like your grandma used to make or something your mom used to make. The thing is, it's Jewish food, and so it's like, no, I don't want a dried brisket before I say goodbye. I don't want a dried brisket before I say goodbye. Latke. I don't want a latke.

I want french fries. Thank you for knowing my culture. Yeah. Because I eat off the trucks in New York. Oh, yeah. They got a New York knish. A square, not a round. I don't like the round.

I don't give a fuck what shape it is. Actually, I like them. Full of carbs. Kill you. But they're good. Hi, what's your name and what is your question? Hi, my name's Marcella. I'm going to follow the same format of the previous question.

If you could teach a high school class for a day, what would you teach and what would you teach Gen Z? Well, that's two different questions. Well, that's two different questions. If I could teach anything to any class of any age, it would be independence and self-worth and tolerance and humor. If I could teach Gen Z anything, it would probably be to shut the fuck up and do what the fuck I said. I would probably teach them that. And a little bit about respect,

because you motherfuckers are just mad disrespectful, most of you, not all of you. No, it's really not funny. It's really fucked up. Because I just believe in, you know, you don't have the right to talk to older folk the way that some of y'all are talking to older folk. You don't have that right. It's your motherfucking

parents fucking in, put their foot in your ass. If you'd been raised in my motherfucking house, I'd have put my foot in your ass. You wouldn't be talking about nothing. Goddamn, beat your motherfucking ass. Never would be the motherfucking type of shit. Now, do you think that as I try be, as a member of Gen Z,

someone who is respectful? I try to put my best foot forward on behalf of my generation. Generation Z. As someone who was born and has no recollection of 9-11, I was taught about 9-11 when I was an older child. I mean, that took place a long time ago. In the same way that, like, my friends went to law school and at the end of it they have to, like,

study for the bar and find out what the law actually is because they spent three years, like, learning about philosophical nonsense. I think it is crazy that you graduate high school in this country and then you find out what taxes are. They should teach about taxes. It's fucking nuts. The fact that you graduate and you have no idea how finance works?

That is some bullshit. God damn it. I agree with that. Now we're on the same page with that. Well, that's a great place to leave it. Give it up for Lunell. She'll be back. Check out her website if she's headed to a city near you. When we come back, would you

rather? Hey, don't go anywhere. There's more of Love It or Leave It coming up. And we're back. Welcome to the stage to the funniest people who we have booked tonight. The incredible Kyle Kinnaid and the uproarious Scott Aukerman.

Hi. Raising the roof over here. Hi, how are you? John, so nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. Thanks for being here. Hi, how are you? Oh, the title of the show is right there. It's right there, so you never forget where you are. How you doing? Doing good, yes, I'm doing good.

Less of a question, more of a statement. I haven't been a part of show business for about four or five years now. Is this your return? I wanted to establish that. He got his bit of rapport in with you. I just want to let you know. I don't know why I'm here. Thanks for letting us know.

When Brendan Fraser was on the press tour for the movie The Whale, he kind of had this energy like he was a make-a-wish kid, you know? You know what I mean? He was like, I can't believe this is happening to me. And I'm glad even though you're not in the business anymore,

that you're not bringing that energy. Appreciation has just immediately gone to a child with cancer. It can't just be grateful. It's like, no, there has to a child with cancer. It can't just be grateful. It's like, no, there has to be some dire consequences. But no, that's cool. What you said was cool. I'm ready.

I would rather answer these questions. Well, I think we're off to a great start. I like it. All right, well, today we're doing a round of Would You Rather based on a famous Comedy Bang Bang segment. Yes. Well, it's not even based on it. It is it. All right, well, today we're doing a round of Would You Rather based on a famous comedy bang bang segment. Yes. Well, it's not even based on it. It is it.

Yes. We've taken it. You're taking it. Oh, you've stolen it. We've stolen it. I don't get to do it anymore? No, you can keep doing it. Oh, okay.

It's like stealing IP. Oh, great. You know? Yes, yes. I've done that. It's right. Did you see the Supreme Court said that you can't use a picture of Andy Warhol or something? You sort of got it right.

I would rather there was more explanation for that statement. Thanks, Kyle. All right. All right. I'm going to present a would you rather. Okay. All right. Now, would you rather have sex with Kyle or me?

Is that what? Because I feel like we're. I would rather have a say in if who's going to have sex with me. Wow. This is really more of a game about consent. We sign consent forms. Yeah, you sign those papers. You didn't read their consent forms for a reason.

Oh, no. There's so much tiny print. All right. First, would you rather. Here we go. Yeah. All right. Nice.

Would you rather. Would you rather Would you rather Nice Hey way to go Malcolm Here it is Would you rather run Herschel Walker's next campaign Or Eat nothing but Manhattan clam chowder

For every meal for the rest of your life That's the red one That's the red one It's the red one everybody's the red one That's the red one It's the red one everybody What is his next campaign for? It is for president of the United States For president really? Just leapfrogging right there

Well you know Up or out That's how he thinks about it And how long do those normally take? It's two years Two years Two years And the rest of my life is how long?

Up to you. Well, it actually depends on the answer, because if you're living off nothing but Manhattan Clown Chowder, it's about 30 days. It's not that long. I would rather, because then if you're running his campaign, you can make him eat Manhattan Clown Chowder until he becomes president.

So therefore, you've alley-ooped eating Manhattan Clown Chowder for the rest of Herschel Walker's life. Yeah, right. When you run a campaign, you can make the candidate do whatever that you want, right? You can just decide that they're going to eat a kind of soup. I'm just saying he's pretty dumb. You should eat this

soup every day because then people are like, oh, if we don't make him president he's going to keep eating that soup. And he'll believe that. Right. Right. I just think that's interesting to me that that's the sabotage you went for. When you have all the arsenal of being the campaign manager

at your disposal, and you're like, no, no, no. My way of destroying this man will be food-based. Well, I'm working with what you just gave me. I believe it's called improv. It's similar to the Ron DeSantis pudding fingers thing, where if it gets out there that he's the Manhattan clam chowder guy, he looks like a

weirdo. Even, like, a little more than he is right now. What's pudding fingers? Um, have you never done a pudding fingers? You've been in a relationship for a while. Do I do a pudding, or does the pudding fingers happen to me? You signed the consent form before you came out here.

What's the pudding fingers? Well, it's sort of embarrassing to ask. Well, we're already there. Okay, I would rather know what pudding fingers was before this game started, but here we are. I'm with him. Yeah, well, it turns out that Ron DeSantis ate pudding with his fingers on a private jet. Three fingers.

Three fingers. That's not it at all. I'm assuming these three? I went to these three. I went to these, but I don't know. I think you could have a thumb in there. Maybe he's doing these. Like, is he doing the Spider-Man?

Could be doing the Spider-Man. Hey, Kyle, quick question for you. You're on a plane. You've been handed some pudding. Yeah. You can use three fingers and nothing else. Which three fingers are you going to use? Can I use both hands?

Sure. Can I use both hands? Of course. That's so smart. What a hack. Life hack. A life hack. I don't mean you're a hack.

Thank you for clarifying. Thank you for clarifying. It's a life hack. All right, I'm going to need an answer. I've got to go with a campaign. I mean, I don't want to eat that for the rest of my life. No, it's awful. It's absolutely awful.

It would be funny to hang out with that guy, right? I don't know. Yeah. No, sure. Do you get oyster crackers with the soup? Yes, of course. We're not animals. Why didn't I ask that?

Yeah, we're not cruel. All right. You've got to cover the angles, of course. We're not animals. Why didn't I ask that? Yeah, we're not cruel. All right. You've got to cover the angles, you know. Part of being an important campaign manager is knowing all the angles. You've got to know the angles. What comes with the soup? So what did you pick? I wanted to run his campaign, but to make him eat the soup.

All right. Well, there's your answer. Next one. Here we go. Hmm. Would you rather? Yeah. At some point today, you went into a room and recorded those.

Great. All water sounds to you like Donald Trump giving a speech at a rally. So like your brooks, your rivers, showers, toilets, waterfall, rain. It's all Trump. Or you never have to hear Trump's voice ever again. But once a day at a random time, Rudy Giuliani jumps out to startle you and you never know where or when it's going to be. And he leaves behind a little mess wherever he was hiding. When you say he leaves behind a little mess.

That's where I had the questions, too. We're talking Viagra Rudy here? I think it's... I think that it's not always the same mess. It's just, what would happen if Rudy Giuliani... It's not always the same mess. So it's indicative of how he jumps out, where he jumps out. It's where he is, right?

If it's the trunk of your car, it's going to be different than if it's your home closet. Oh, he's in the trunk of my car occasionally. It's wherever he is. The mess is its actual situation, right? It's like, how long has he been stuck there? What did he eat? What didn't he eat? What did his body do?

Yeah, this situation turned it, like it started benign, but it got so much more sinister with the mess question. Also, how much are you around water? Like, that's running. I was just handicapping that. Like, you could switch to drinking, like, something else.

Is it all water, like vitamin water? Yeah, what about water with supplements? That's a really good question. Thank you. I think as the waterness drops, as, like, the qualities of something you would describe to it as being water, as that drops, the sound... The percentages.

Yeah, well, not even the percentages. Does ice sound like them? It sounds, it gets quieter. It gets quieter. So, for example, I think that like a Perrier with a lemon, it's there. It's there, but it's not shouting. A shower, out of control. What about condensation on a humid day?

Well, you can't really hear that normally. But it's water? Sure, but it's... Have you can't really hear that normally. But it's water? Sure. Have you thought about this question? Yes. I would rather you thought about these questions a little more before coming at me hot like this. What about steam?

What if I'm making some noodles? Well, yeah. I mean, if you're making noodles, the water is boiling. It's if it's making steam. Okay. So you're hearing Trump. Little bubbly Trumps?

Yeah. Little bubble Trumps? Little bubble Trumps. Little water is boiling. It's making steam. Okay. So you're hearing Trump. Bubbly Trumps? Yeah. Little Bubble Trumps? Little Bubble Trumps. Little Bubble Trumps. I think that can get kind of funny. That's my favorite restaurant. Bubble Trumps? You like Bubble Trumps? Little Bubble Trumps. It's like Bubble Tea. That's City Walk.

It's right next to the Margaritaville. Bubble Trumps. Bubble Trumps. What was the other one? The other one, Rudy Giuliani. Once a day. Just once a day. Just once a day. Once a day.

When it's done, it's done. But it's once a day. Can I ask, is it off limits when you're sleeping? I mean, no. That's kind of a loophole. Because then you can't go to sleep. If you haven't been scared and try to go to bed, you're going to get scared.

This is tough. Because if you were to take sleeping out of it yeah i'd pick rudy but if he can like how many how what percentage of times is he waking you up really important question yeah i think it is i think it's basically it's random it's truly random the time of day and so you're sleeping roughly eight hours whenever i happen to sleep it's when if you sleep eight hours it's probably one third of your, one third of the time. That's when you're going to get one.

Now what's going to suck, just to be, I'm sorry to interrupt, but it could happen twice in a night because you could get both days worse. It's true. So is Rudy choosing the sinister timing or is it like Rudy's just waiting

and there's some higher power? Does Rudy get his instructions from someone? Like get him now. It is Rudy Giuliani. It's truly him. Yes. But it's some higher power. Does Rudy get his instructions from someone? Like, get him now. It is Rudy Giuliani. It's truly him. Yes. But it's a disembodied Rudy who exists to do the startling. He has all the qualities of Rudy Giuliani.

Exists to do the startling. But it's not like there is a Rudy in the world. That's not your Rudy. But for you, it is Rudy in every way that matters. It's Rudy. So it's a Rudy Gollum. Yes. Sort of.

Yes. Yes. At some point, I will, if you choose this, I will take some clay in a bathtub and I will say a Jewish prayer and I will circle seven times and then it will animate.

And that was your question. What kind of Jewish magic do you have to do to make the water sound like Trump? These are both from the Talmud. This sort of the kind of... I'm going to believe all this because I don't know a lot about Jewish culture. These are both from the Talmud. I'm going to believe all this because I don't know a lot about Jewish culture. I've been reading a lot about Jewish people lately. They seem pretty cool.

No, they're pretty great. Don't try and suck up to Gollum Giuliani now. You made your choice. A lot in the news about you guys. Yep, a lot in the news. Jews in the news, as we say. Jews in the news. I really want to see you do this little incantation,

so I'm going to pick Giuliani, definitely. I think I'm good with water sounding like Trump. So the ocean is ruined for you. You'll never go to the ocean again. Oh, am I surfing? What am I doing? So you're choosing ocean. You'll never go to the ocean again. Oh, am I surfing? What am I doing? So you're choosing ocean. You're choosing the water. Wow.

Okay. All right. I think you made a mistake. I think you made a mistake. You gave me this. It's not what John hopes I would rather. It's what I would rather. I know.

You're right. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Thank you. You made a good choice. You're fucked. Oh, toilets. I forgot about those. Yep. Every time you wash your hands.

Different subject. I'm just thinking about earlier. Right? All right. That's not going to hold up in court for why I got this ticket. I just forgot about toilets. Hmm. Would you rather? You work for bernie sanders but he fucking cannot stand you or you work for joe mansion and he's the greatest mentor you've ever had bernie sanders has that air that he just can't stand anyone so would it be a surprise i mean is

it not that he can't stand them, but it's just like he's so close to death, it seems like, that it's like he has no time for anyone. So it's like, oh, no, no, no, no, no. So, good point. That's his baseline. For you, it is worse. Oh, okay. Good to know.

Whatever his five out of ten is, you're a two. You're less than that. Yeah. And Joe Manchin... He you're a two. Okay. You're less than that. Yeah. Hmm. And Joe Manchin. He's like a father to you. So we love him? You love him as a, he's an incredible

supportive, encouraging boss who wants you to have the best out of your career while he's fighting to stop tax increases on the wealthy. This sounds fine, but this sounds fine to me. I pick that. Yeah, well. I love someone.

Great. Okay. I was excited about the heel turn, so I was going with mansion, too. Yeah, I was down with it. Wow. Wow. Interpersonal.

Oh, go feel great about yourself, room full of good guys. Unbelievable. Y'all wants to be a villain just a little bit? Live a little Expand your range I know for a fact that in the hypothetical scenario I choose to be treated like dog shit By Bernie Sanders for the country

I know that about me Alright, that's our answer, Bernie No, no, no, Joe Manchin You were so convincing I was going to go ahead with it. I want to be hugged by the demons. We're back to the demons. Well, the bad guys, whatever.

Final question. This is for all the marbles. This is it. This is for everything. Hmm. Would you rather? Would you rather be sober with Kamala Harris while she's on drugs

or be on drugs with a completely sober Kamala Harris while she's on drugs or be on drugs with a completely sober Kamala Harris? You put anybody in the role. It's always be on drugs. You never want to be sober around somebody on drugs, no matter who that person is. You want to be the person on drugs and tough shit to whoever's around you. Blanket statement across the board.

Put any name in there. All right. So Kyle's strong out of the gate. Which drugs? That's a great question. Which drugs is she on? Which drugs am I on? It would be the same cocktail.

I think it has to be. Oh, it's a cocktail. Well, it's the same. Whatever. It could be. Here's what it is. Do I get to pick? You can pick.

Does it have to be hallucinogenics or can it be like a statin? Nice try. No. Libertor. We're both on five Advil. It has to be some kind of psychotropic or hallucinogenic or some other mind-altering drug,

and you're taking so much of it that you're just past the point where you can maintain. You have taken drugs, and there's no hiding it. Right, right. So drugs. Drugs. I haven't seen her much. Is she a judgmental person?

I think her reaction in this scenario is one of concern with notes of disappointment and anger that she's not going to share with you in the moment because you're on drugs, but that she will be conveying to make sure she's never in to share with you in the moment because you're on drugs, but that she will be conveying to make sure she's never in your presence ever again. So she's not happy I did.

I'm like, you did it, Scott. You did it, Scott. No, I don't think so. I don't think so. I think she's very frustrated by this experience. You're on a plane. You're on a plane. We're on a plane.

Oh, wait, that changes the drug thing. That's different for drugs. You don't do drugs on a plane. That's on a plane. Oh, wait. That changes the drug thing. That's different for drugs. You gotta save us. You don't do drugs on a plane. That's a bad place for drugs. Yeah. Are there air marshals where you can be arrested for whatever happens? Is it Air Force One? Are we on Air Force One? No, it's Air Force Two.

There's a two? I think when she's on it, it's a two, right? Hey, any plane I'm on is a two. Hey, what? Yeah. Because I take shits on them. Because we take sh what? Yeah. Because I take shits on them. Because we take shits on them. Because you take shits on them. I'm not judging it aesthetically.

Forgot about that toilet again. So you're on Air Force Two and you're taking drugs, or she's taking drugs. Oh. I mean, still do the drugs. I don't know. I'm not a huge drug guy. Well, here's the other side of it.

Yeah. What a story to have spent a plane ride to Europe, to the World Economic Forum, to Davos, and you are dead sober, and you are on a plane with Vice President Kamala Harris absolutely losing it on mushrooms. That's a story you tell for the rest of your life. Are we the only two people on the plane? No, there are other people there, but she's made sure that you're in the conference

from just the two. It's your time with her and it's her time with you. You're not alone, but you're alone. Does she have loose lips? Like, is she going to tell it? Would she, like, tell secrets, like state secrets

and stuff like that? Yes. All right, yeah, I'd pick that. All right. So she would, like, let me know where the UFOs are, who killed JFK. At first, no. But as the flight goes on... By the way, you worked in the White House? I did. Who killed JFK? At first, no. Wow. But as the flight goes on.

By the way, you worked in the White House? I did. Who killed JFK? I can't tell you. I'm not on drugs. But it's exactly who you don't think it is. Oh, shit. That's all I'll say.

Eliminate everyone else? Yeah. Rule out everyone you think it might be. Oh, my gosh. And then it's not Yeah. Rule out everyone you think it might be. Oh my gosh. And then it's not them. Did they tell you any really fun secrets? No, they don't tell the comedy speech writer fucking anything.

That's the first person I would tell. They don't sell yuckles in the OEOB who they need a joke from for the healthcare speech where the bodies are buried. I was at the White House. We were working on the correspondence dinner the weekend that President Obama ordered the raid on the bin Laden compound.

And we found out after, and we were at the White House, and we were having all these meetings, and we're like, why can't we get any time? We've got to go over these jokes with the president. We can't get any fucking time on the calendar. And we're like, this is important. These are the jokes. These are the big jokes. And our meeting keeps getting fucking canceled.

What could he be doing in there? Turns out. Was there ever a week where it was wide open and it was like, yeah, come in, let's riff for a while. I'm more interested in what was going on that week globally. Like, nah, let's shoot the shit a little, man. Let's play the dozens a little here. Play the dozens.

All right, well, any final thoughts? Did we pick? Oh, you got to pick. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I picked the she's on drugs. She's on drugs. Can I still talk to him after he hangs out with her while she's on drugs?

You mean I can find out about the UFO stuff? Yeah, I'll tell you anything. Okay, then I'll do the drugs. Can he be on drugs, too, hanging out with us? Yeah, can our rathers overlap? But then she would not be on drugs. No, she's on drugs. He's on drugs.

Would you rathers don't... We can't have a situation... I want overlapping rathers! I would love that for you. It has to be... We can do a round trip, but if you're sober, she's on drugs. If you're on drugs, she's sober. Is Dan Rather

a stage name because he does interviews? Yeah, it was Thank you. It was Ratherberg and they changed it at Ellis Island. Alright, let's wrap this up. Alright, give it up for Scott and Kyle. Thank you, everyone.

Go buy Comedy Bang Bang, the podcast, the book, and check out Kyle's site for his latest dates. When we come back, you've got dates. I got dates. When we come back, we go where no person has gone before. And we're back. This week, the universe conspired to bring together two heavenly bodies from the Star Trek sky

tonight on this very stage. And by the universe, I mean, love it or leave it's very own producer, Brian. You booked the guests. Please put your hands together. From Star Trek Discovery, as well as some unremarkable comedy specials, Tig Notaro.

And from Star Trek Picard, Todd Stashwick. How dare you? Come on over. I'm just, come on, come on. Hi, hi, hi, hi, hi. Hi. How you doing, Tig? Doing all right.

How are you? Good to see you. Good to see you. This is me. It's not someone else. And that's the most important thing it really is Todd it's nice to meet you thanks for being here

this is a strange experience for me because I truly have been in the midst of the third season of Picard in which you star and now you're here and it's like Shaw is here did I remember all my lines? If you didn't, you covered.

Okay, good. And it felt real, like when you were finding things, which is really cool. I will answer any questions. How far into it are you? I was trying to finish it before tonight, but I'm on the final episode of the third season. Okay, they're in space.

Yep. The whole fucking time. Spoiler. Spoiler, yeah. Tig, how much did you know about Star Trek before you were on Star Trek? Well, zero. And nothing has changed.

Okay, well, then, well, let's see how you do with this question. Here we go. Let's talk about the difference between technologies used in Discovery and Picard. For example, the USS Discovery, which is, of course, a cross-field class starship being piloted in the 2250s, is equipped with a displacement-activated spore hub drive, which uses a network of mycelium spores.

Yes, I do. Do you really? I do. To jump across space. How do you feel about the spore technology that That was, your ship was relying on discovery. I feel really good. It felt right. When we were doing the show and stuff.

Like for the character? Yeah, I was like this, I mean, what else would we do? Other than that. Tig, your character was actually infected by the spores. And you know that, right? Yeah. And they were hallucinogenic. So while fixing the Discovery's propulsion system,

the spore drive, that's when you were infected. Right. That's why I have my mask on. Did that change how you felt about the spore drive at all? I mean, a little. I mean, yeah, of course. Todd, your thoughts on the spores? About the network?

The drive. The fungus that drives the ship's discovery? The USS Discovery, yeah. Well, it saves in warp time. Like, you can just kind of be someplace else immediately. Let me finish. Please do. Would that be teleporting?

Technically, no, because teleporting is where they literally take you apart and put you back together. Right. So I was going to say it's not that. No. If you guys can, if you listen quietly, you can kind of hear Reddit exploding. That's it. That was the last. And this was the last time there was Reddit.

I don't get it. What do you mean? Why would that? Well, just, I think that, that, that, um, they're going to be commenting on the inaccuracies in your description of the ship you served on. I don't know about that. Okay. You don't think so?

No, I said I don't know about that. It is so good to see you again. I just touched your bare heel. I shudder. I thought for sure you'd have a sock on or something. You didn't look before you touched? No, I did not. You just reached out and hit his ankle?

Yeah. I love this human being so much. Yeah, you just fell free. And I just, and then I was like. Look, you're still doing it. And I did it. So now you can't hit his hand by the sock thing anymore. Now you know.

I touched your ankle. I called it a heel, but I touched your ankle and woof. Just shivers. It shivers. Just shivers. Anyway, back to Star Trek. Please. First of all, let me just say this, Todd.

Yeah. Season three of Picard fucking rules. Thank you. I don't even have a question. It's so exciting. I'm not going to disagree with you. I will. You've seen it a few times.

You've seen it a few times. I was watching it on my way over here. Listen, I wasn't arguing that it's great. I was just saying, I'll argue. Fair enough. Open season. I'll put up a fight. Now it's time for a game we're calling Phasers to Quiz.

Look, there's art. Oh, look at that. We got Spock. We got Q. We got Locutus. Is that Q? Yeah, we got Q over there. Wait a minute. Is that Q? Yeah, we got Q over there. Wait a minute.

Is that Q? Yeah, that's Q. That is Q. It is. Tell me what you know about the character Q, Tick. That's Q. I can read. You got it.

He's a consonant. Ding, ding. Yes. All right.. He's a consonant. Ding, ding. Yes. All right. This is an easy quiz. Here's how this quiz works. Okay. Todd, I will be asking you questions about Tig's character.

Okay. I didn't mention this, but Tig, you played Jet Reno. Jet Reno. That's right. On Discovery. Yeah. Which is Tig in space. Yeah.

Right. Yeah. Which you pitched as the name for the series, but they're like, we're already mid, we're shooting this thing. We can't, we're not going to change it to Tig in space. I actually did name my character. Really?

Yeah. The character was originally Denise Reno. And I was like, there is no world where I'm a Denise. So Jet Reno is named after Joan Jett. Oh. And Todd, you play Captain Liam Shaw. I do. Did you think I can beat that?

No, he's actually named after Robert Shaw. Oh, cool. Yeah, from Jaws. Oh. Yeah. Nice. All right. I have no follow-ups.

I'm going to ask Tig questions about Todd's character. Todd, I'm going to ask you a question about Tig's character. Okay. All right. I have no follow-ups. I'm going to ask Tig questions about Todd's character. Todd, I'm going to ask you a question about Tig's character. Okay. All right? And we're going to alternate. Tig, what is the name of Todd's character? Shaw? Nice.

What is Shaw's rank? High. Yeah. You're not wrong. You're not wrong. You're not wrong. He's captain. Factually accurate. He's a captain.

You're up there. I am. It's my ship. It's his ship. I have to say, though, when you're Captain Shaw on a Starfleet vessel. The Titan. The Titan. Yeah.

And Admiral Picard. Yes. And Commander William Riker come on your ship. Captain Riker. He's captain by now. Reddit's going crazy. I have a question. When we came out and you were

saying how good his show was That wasn't a question. Do you have a question? Well I was just wondering how you like my Star Trek. I have a Star Trek. You haven't even watched your Star Trek. It doesn't matter.

Okay. What vessel does Captain Liam Shaw pilot? You do not appreciate my acting, my tig in space that I do? I am very excited to watch Star Trek Discovery. But I haven't seen it, to be honest.

Don't fucking gasp at me. You've seen everything. That's a medical emergency. Are you okay? It's good to check. It's smart to check. That was the founder of Reddit. Quit dodging the question of Reddit. Okay. Quit dodging the question, Tig.

Okay. What vessel does Captain Liam Shaw pilot? This will be the third question in a row where the answer was said moments ago. You pilot... You don't listen to me anymore. The spaceship. It's a spaceship. Uh-huh.

The spaceship. We just don't talk. We don't talk anymore. The spaceship. It's a spaceship. We just don't talk. We don't talk anymore. It's so funny. It's the Titanic. Titanic. Nope. So you kept going. You couldn't stop.

And you would have nailed it. You Captain the Titanic. Close. Captain Shaw. Titan. The Titan. If you want to pronounce it like that.

What is the rank of Tig's character? You're an engineer. So what is the... Are you a lieutenant? No. You tell me what you are. I want to see this. If I knew, I would. That's what I was going to say.

I saw this coming. I'm sorry. I saw this coming. You don't know the rank of your own fucking character? I am not going to be yelled at on live podcasting. Touch his ankle. Touch his ankle. I'm a commander.

Yes. Commander Jet Reno. Touch his ankle. I'm a commander. Yes. Commander Jet Reno. Commander Jet Reno. Todd, before serving on the USS Discovery, on what vessel did Commander Jet Reno serve as an engineer?

The Hiawatha. Yes. Hell yeah. Wow. Are you okay? Mike's dropped. Mike dropped. Tig.

Yeah. What was the basis of Captain Shaw's intense resentment of Jean-Luc Picard? Oh, I thought you were leaving. Okay, this one I will be completely honest. I don't know the answer to. It was that he had been assimilated by the Borg. He'd been assimilated by the Borg and was known as Locutus.

Well, that's not the reason. It's the reason he killed 11,000 people when he was assimilated. Yeah, no, but right. Just the assimilation isn't all of it. No, no, it's what he did as Locutus. Thank you. It's what he did as Locutus. It was the murdering of people that got me upset.

There's a great quote. There's a great quote. Your character, the only Borg so deadly, they gave him a goddamn name. Yeah. It's a great quote. I love. Are you saving your questions as a souvenir? I was bored and I thought I would read.

Don't say you're bored while you're on stage. What kind of guest are you? I'm a huge fan of yours, and every time you come out here, you do that thing where you're very quiet but also bully me. You are nasty to me. I touched your ankle. You think I leave my house where I'm enjoying my wife and children and three cats and my

father-in-law to drive out here and just touch anyone's ankle. I'm now going to ask you both questions about your character. What war did Commander Reno serve during on the Hiawatha? The Klingon war. Yeah, that's right. Do you remember? I do. You kind of look like a young Captain Kirk.

Wow. Holy shit. Holy shit. Is that good news? Yeah. I mean, you're just, honestly, he's getting every question right, and you're winning the game. Come on, Todd. You catch more fucking bees with honey.

What are you doing over there? You're embarrassing yourself. I'm laying in wait. Okay. Next question. During her interrogation about the existence of the syndicate known as the Emerald Chain, what snack is Commander Reno munching on? Black licorice.

That's the same episode. The way this question is phrased, the word is what she asked for while being interrogated. Oh, chips and salsa. Wow. By the way, just to give you a sense, I fucking love Discovery.

Yeah. Malcolm is a true fan. You look like Captain Kirk. So crazy, this is my job. When this airs, does it edit? Yeah, they trim out the fat. Don't worry about that. All right, final question.

Final? Wow. Well, we're having a great... You just went so fast. Check your... I'm not linking it up we gotta keep moving no my watch doesn't work i was curious where it stopped it was 10 42 10 42 in the morning at p.m okay fair enough so yesterday yeah got it weeks ago

todd what was it like being on set with all the Next Generation characters getting to be together for the first time in 10 or 20 years in some cases? Well, it happened slowly in stages. So when I got there, first I was just working with Frakes and Patrick. And there was one moment that I was on the turbolift.

We were waiting in between setups. You know the turbo lift. You know all about it. And Patrick snakes his arm behind me, and he grabs Jonathan Frakes, and he pulls me. And I'm standing between them, and he goes, what's it like to be the center of a Sir Patrick Stewart Jonathan Frakes sandwich? It's like geeky sexy. That's cool as hell. That's pretty cool.

But what was it like? That's just for my memoirs. That's for the memoirs. Memoirs? Yeah, I'm going to write a few. That's like volume three. I wrote a memoir. You did?

Yeah. Mine's hypothetical. Was that hard writing? Do you have to write every day? I wrote for four years, and it took so long for me to write this book that I went back and things didn't matter to me anymore that I had already written.

And then I would erase entire chapters. And four years later is a book you could finish next to a swimming pool one afternoon. Do people come up to you all the time and try to talk to you about Star Trek? Well, I was at the beach with my family and this man came up to me, and he said, Are you on Star Trek?

And I said, Yeah. And he said, I recognized your voice. I didn't even see your face. He was standing behind me. And I was like, Well, that's a Star Trek fan. And I have an iconic voice. You do have an iconic voice. You do have an iconic voice.

I was expecting the crowd to go nuts when I said that. I'm just having fun. It's so exciting to have both of you here. It's working. You haven't seen my show, though. I know, I know. I know, but I love his. Thank you.

Picard season three, absolutely crushing. I was like so excited. It's so exciting. Because all the people from Star Trek Next Generation, which absolutely crushing. I was like so excited. It's so exciting because all the people from Star Trek Next Generation, which I watched when I was like a kid. And now they're back. And the cool thing about it is it like builds. It uses the nostalgia is like a weapon. I'm getting the rap sign. We're not getting out of here till I touch your ankle.

Don't don't do it. Don't don't. Hell yeah. All right. That set phasers to quiz. Don't. Don't. I had to. Hell yeah. All right. That set phasers to quiz. Todd wins. Wow. Just what happened?

What did he win? He won bragging rights. Bragging rights. You know what I won, actually? Already? Already. In your bathroom, you have floss things. Like, free.

There's like a whole basket of them. Hey, Todd. I just want to know what happened with a guest on this couch that warranted putting these in the green room. For free. For free. Like, help yourself. And I'm sure people haven't like

fished through that and touched everything. No, there's tons of them. I don't think people just paw at the flossers. I do. Oh, you do? I did it. Because you did it. Yeah. Thaters. I do. Oh, you do? I did it. Because you did it. Yeah.

That's what I do to warm up for a show. I paw at the flossers. I paw at flossers. That's fair. That's fair. Do you want to tell your audience I'll be in Vegas on June 2nd? Tig will be in Vegas on June 2nd. And you can see Todd and Picard right now.

All episodes stream. All episodes are streaming and it really, it's fantastic. Yeah. When we come back, Hot Takes. Don't go anywhere. This is Love It or Leave It and there's more on the way. And we're back! Huge news.

Crooked is getting into the subscription game so that I specifically don't have to be on Twitter anymore. Introducing Friends of the Pod, the ultimate digital community for Crooked listeners, is where you can get more news, analysis, you can talk to other people and hosts and friends of the pod, and it's an easy way to get more involved in Vote Save America with updates, guides, and more,

and sometimes the Discord is just a place to argue about which pope was hottest. We have a good time. And depending on your subscription level, and the answer is John Paul II. What? There's weekly bonus content, including our subscription-only show,

Terminally Online, which is really fun, a Discord community, pictures of me. I didn't know that we're being taken, and a lot more, and the highest subscription level. Every month, you'll donate to Vote Save America to support the organizations that are helping on the ground, and if that's not enough,

there's a discount right now if you go and sign up, so please do. We don't know what this thing could turn into. One day, maybe a polycule. I've been told no, but that's up to the community. Crooked.com slash friends. Go sign up.

You can subscribe now, and it's not a polycule, or is it? It's not. All right. Now it is time for Hot Takes. Here's how it works. We'll each have 30 seconds to defend a never-before-seen, horrible, horrible opinion as if it were actually ours.

We each get one skip. And though I consistently beg the producers to be nicer, what you skip to might be worse and probably will be. I truly haven't seen these, for me or for anyone. Let's see what's first. I would like Biden to be primaried, and I would like the person who primaries him to be Hillary. This is my opinion.

Hillary should primary Joe Biden. She's rested. She's the only other person in the history of humanity to get more votes than Donald Trump. James Comey's not around to fuck everything up this time. And sometimes, you know, when it comes to human civilization, you go double or nothing. You know what I mean?

You just push all your chips forward, you close your eyes, and you hope for the best. And then you lay down your card, you say, it's a king and a jack. All right, let's see what's up next. Comic books are fine, I guess, but these movie adaptations are where the real magic is at. Scott, that's yours.

Okay, so these movies, we all love them. Doctor Strange, what a great name. It's all right there. He's a doctor. He's fucking weird. But, you know, the comic books,

you know, who wants to read? You know, it's like, first of all, these little words, you know, it's like going to see a French film, except, you know, no one's talking during it. Is reading, is what I'm saying. And that sucks. You know, there's nothing moving. Like, you have to imagine everything. Fuck this. So I think going to see these movies is exactly what people should should be doing and uh you know spider-man nice uh thank

you scott yeah and uh well said before we move forward the comedy bang bang the podcast the book yeah what is it tell me about it i mean it Okay, now this is where I'm going to tell... This is where I'm going to tell... So, just, here's what... Let me tell you what happened. And Tig asked, and so I'm going to tell you. I got a card from Malcolm that said, ask a couple quick questions about the CBB book. Because I didn't ask you about it.

It'll be a better movie. Yeah. Todd thinks it'll be a better movie. That's got to be tough to hear. You probably worked hard on it, the book part. We're going to record it and then put it out as a podcast again, I think. So it'll just come full circle. Wow.

Art imitating book. Yeah. The famous phrase. Yeah, it's a book. I don't know. If you know what the podcast is, God bless you. If you don't, you will not like it. But if you do know what the podcast is,

you'll love the book. If you know what the podcast is, you'll like the podcast. Hey, hey. Yeah. If you're not going to sell this fucking book, who is? You're losing Lunel.

All right, look. Yawn. Look, if you've listened to Comedy Bang Bang, which is a podcast that I do, it's where comedians play fake people, characters. And the book is written by all of these fake, weird people. And there's a lot of art in it and a lot of great contributors. Hey, Lin-Manuel Miranda does the intro to it. And he wrote Moana. Yeah.

Not Lesana. Not Lesana. Moana. Moana more problems, you know what I mean? Yeah. I can hear the coffees flying on the shelf. The returns, yeah. Well, let's see what's next on Hot Take.

People shouldn't have kids. Or I can skip to the next one? If you want, but it might be worse. Worse than that? Yeah. Okay, I'll try it. Let's see what's next. All comedians should be dynamic.

Don't look at me. I don't write, I swear, I don't write these. I feel like this is somehow saying that I am not dynamic. That sucks. Or high energy. And you know what? Let me tell you something. what let me tell you something for those of you listening at home i stood up off the couch and i'm walking around with high energy being dynamic and telling you that

wait am i supposed to i'm to. That's what you think. This is what I think. Well, you just said. This is what I think. Because if you're going to show up with low energy and not be dynamic and expect people to stick around, listen to you. Am I doing this right? You're doing great. Thank you. People I doing this right? You're doing great. Thank you.

People are bored, okay? No one cares. You sound like Eeyore. And I'm not saying my wife calls me Eeyore. I'm saying my wife, because I have a lot of energy, but my wife calls low-energy comedians Eeyore. And I'll tell you another thing. You also can just say,

I did it. I did it. Yeah! Woohoo! Nice. You didn't tell us we could say I did it after our thing. Yeah, you could just say, I did it. I we could say I did it after our thing. Yeah, you could just say I did it. I did it. I did it.

We did it. All right, let's see what's next. Dynamic. Lunel, this is what you would have to defend. It says, Drake, if you're listening to this, I think you're hideous and I definitely never want to meet you. I can't do it. It's a total lie.

All right, let's see what's next. No, let me have the one about... Let me have the one about people shouldn't have kids. All right, sure. Sure, why not? Take it away. People shouldn't have kids. I feel that certain people, can I do that, shouldn't have kids because you don't know how to raise them.

You ain't got enough money to raise them right. You carrying trauma from your mom and your daddy and fucking up your kids. And you ain't spending no time with the motherfuckers and that's why they up in the attic building AK-47s off of motherfucking Google and I feel like that you need to pay more attention to these little motherfuckers and stop letting them tell you what the fuck to do.

And that's what I feel and why our people should not have kids. Nice. Certain people. You did it. You did it. I did it. All right.

Next up. To be honest, I'm not a fan of sci-fi or fantasy. Most of those roles I take are a cash grab. Look, to be honest, I'm not a fan of sci-fi or fantasy. Most of those roles I take are a cash grab. Look, to be honest, I'm just a whore. Yeah, I mean, I was raised on, like, MASH and mostly soap operas.

So, yeah, I've never seen a star, either war or Trek. What about that war part, though? It's just for the... How does it feel to be in a Tig and Lunel sandwich? Now that's the threesome you want right there.

I did it. Yeah, he did it. All right, let's see what's next. TikTok videos are a purer form of comedy than live stand-up. Kyle,yle you want to defend that or do you want to see what's next you want to skip let me see what's next that's what you've got that's what you picked okay you know what let's lean into it yeah let's get real none of us really know what's in the covid vaccine. We don't. I took it. Somebody here tell me what's in it. You don't know.

Vodka was in my home vaccine. I took some home vaccines. I also learned that I can make AK-47s in my attic. I didn't know that. Thank you. Thank you, Linnell. I didn't know I had the raw materials at hand. So when I have to get mad at the government for giving me these vaccines

that we don't know what's in there, I have the arms to take up against these fake... What's in it, John? Can anybody tell? We all took it. Can you tell me what's in it? I couldn't tell you what's in it. Myrna?

There was like a lowercase m and then an uppercase r. Nobody knew what that was. Pfizer. Yeah, we just agreed with this weird capitalization system. Oh, it's real because the first letter is lowercase and then there's an uppercase and there's another lowercase. That's how people write online when they want to make you sound stupid. But then we took a vaccine that they typed out the same way

and we're like, like yeah we should do that I think I actually believe this yeah I did it I did it he did it and look that's what this show is all about changing minds

alright and that's Hot Takes. When we come back, we'll end on a high note. And we're back. This week's high notes came from members of our Friend of the Pod community. In addition to calling and emailing your high notes, you can now share them in the Friends of the Pod Discord.

Here it is, this week's high note. Hi, my name is Amber and I live in Tuscaloosa, Alabama. My high note for this week is the Drag Me to the Capitol march that was held on Tuesday in Montgomery, Alabama to protest a slew of harmful anti-trans bills

including a drag ban and a bathroom bill. Hundreds of people showed up in the middle of a work day in the heat and more than drowned out the two counter-prot protesters with just pure joy and enthusiasm. Shout out to the fierce red state activists fighting uphill battles in difficult places, and especially to those in Alabama. The Alabama Transgender Rights Action Coalition, the Knights and Orchids Society, the Magic City Acceptance Center, Human Rights Watch, the ACLU of Alabama, and more than I can name. It was an absolute honor to stand with all of them on Tuesday. Hey, love it. This is Taylor from Texas. My highlight of the week is that I just subscribed to be a friend of the pod.

I've been tearing through episodes of Terminally Online. Hallie Kiefer in the Queer Non episode was hysterical, and I can't wait for more episodes. I'm so glad to be a part of the Crooked family. I'm a huge fan, and I love everything y'all do for progressive voters across America. Thanks. Hey, Lovett. It's Sam from Ohio, and my high note of the week is that my sister Becky and I get to fly to Los Angeles this week to see you in person. We've been wanting to come to a show since everything started, and so we're really excited to see you this week. And thanks for all you do each week to keep us laughing and keep us sane.

We really appreciate it. Love all you guys at Crooked. Bye. Hi, Mother. This is you guys at Crooked. Bye. Hi, Mother. This is Jillian from San Diego. And my high note for this week is that I'm graduating high school in about a week. And I just wanted to call in and say that your show has partially been a part of the reason that I'm going to study international affairs and sender studies in college in BC. Thanks so much for always being so happy and inspiring. And yeah,

thank you. Hey, love it. My name is Eileen. And I'm hoping we'll play this message for the show that airs on May 20. Because that is the day that my best friend in the whole wide world is getting married, and she's the friend that introduced me to your incredible show. So a huge thank you to her and a big shout-out to my sweet friend Lauren, who is marrying the love of her life, Rob. He and she are wonderful people, and it's going to be an incredible day. Hey, love it. This is Tracy in Seattle with my high note. So I was driving around listening to the show today.

I had the windows all down on a very hot, unseasonable, unreasonable day in Seattle and pull up to a light. I've got the show blaring just about the time that you all are talking about riding that pony in reference to Oscar winner and almost octagonarian Robert De Niro. And I quickly start turning down the volume. And then I look over to my right to see that the car next to me also has their window open. And it's our family vet. So that was fun. Thanks to everybody who sent in a high note tonight.

If you want to leave us a message about something that gave you hope, call us at 323-538-2377. That is our show. Thank you so much to Tig Notaro, Kyle Kinane, Todd Stashwick, Scott Aukerman, and Lunel. There are 535 days

until the 2024 elections. Have a great night. Thanks for coming out and have a great weekend. Lovett or Leave It is a Crooked Media production. It is written and produced by me, John Lovett, and Lee Eisenberg. Kendra James is our executive producer. Brian Semel is our producer.

And Malcolm Whitfield is our associate producer. Howie Keeper is our head writer. Sarah Lazarus, Jocelyn Kaufman, Pauly Gunalan, Peter Miller, Rebecca Kaplan, Alan Pierre,

Chandler Dean are our writers. Bill Lance is our editor. Stephen Colon is our audio engineer and Kyle Seglin provides audio support. Our theme song is written and performed by Sure Sure. Thanks to our designers,

Jesse McClain and Caroline Haywood for creating and running all of our visuals, which you can't see because this is a podcast. And to our digital producers, Zuri Irvin, David Tolles, Mia Kelman, and Matt DeGroote for filming and editing video each week. So you can, you can find those glorious videos at www.youtube.com slash at love it or leave it podcast. That's the best we could do. I guess subscribe to love it or leave it on YouTube for access

to video versions of your favorite segments and other exclusive content. Don't forget to follow us at Crooked Media on IG and Twitter. And if you're as opinionated as we are, consider dropping us a review.