Lovett or Leave It - DeSantis on His Heels (Live from Portland!)

Episode Date: November 4, 2023

Lovett or Leave It heard Portland, Oregon wants to keep it weird, and boy, did we take it to heart. Comedian Shain Brendan and author Lydia Kiesling gasp at the mystifying gaffes of the GOP presidential campaign. Comedian Imani Denae and drag queen Silhouette thrill at the city’s strangest sights and sounds. Lovett tries to find the biggest wackadoodle in our heater audience, and the Rant Wheel dazzles with the eerie complaints of our local guests, from Portland driving to heteronormativity to rustic potatoes. See you next tour, freaks! For a closed-captioned version of this episode, click here. For a transcript of this episode, please email [e-mail] and include the name of the podcast.

Hello, Portland! Come on Welcome to the Error Store Too nice From what we've gleaned from the marketing materials of your fair city, you people are freaks. So when in Rome,

do as Romans do. We've got a weird show for you. Comedian Shane Brendan and author Lydia Kiesling will train their eyes in the weirdness of the GOP. Comic Imani Danai and Portland's Miss Sweetheart silhouette will take a crack at the weirdness of Portland and we will decide who in this very crowd

is the weirdest of them all. Plus the rant wheel and live high notes. So start thinking weird, happy thoughts. But first, let's get into it. What a week. For months now, Ron DeSantis has been stepping in it. What has been the main challenge because the former president, Donald Trump, still remains so dominant? One ex-staffer saying, quote, he would sit in meetings and eat in front of people, always like a starving animal who has never eaten before, getting stuff everywhere.

Now it's quiet. How are you doing? What's your name? I'm Tim Hampton. Okay. And I will not let you down. But increasingly the question has become, as he's stepping in, it it what is he stepping on as we can see here internet sleuths the coolest and best and most accurate people have observed some unusual activity specifically desantis's strange gait and stance there's also the fact that his legs seem to be strangely proportioned so this is a photo for those listening someone noted that if you look at the way his legs are when he was on Bill Maher, that, like, the only way to make sense of it

is to assume he's standing on his tippy toes inside of his little boots. But then there is also the fact that the front of his cute little boots look like there aren't any toesies in there. You see it? Well, Ron DeSantis can run like a dinosaur, but he can't hide from accountability.

During an appearance on the right-wing Patrick Bette Davis podcast, Ron DeStansweird finally was asked about this mystery, this shoo-dun-nit. And he kicked these rumors to the curb. Ron vehemently denies wearing hidden heels in his cowboy boots. Why don't you wear tennis shoes and dress shoes? I do wear tennis shoes when I work out. Yeah, You do? Okay. Besides, they aren't heels.

There are these new things. They're called tough guy foot horses. But this intrepid interviewer, who we liked during this moment, but should probably not listen to even five more seconds. God help us if we heard ever again in our lives even five more seconds but this guy went on he continued what they're trying to say with this is that in your boots you have heels no no that's what they're trying those are just standard off the rack um lucchese um

how tall are you getting how tall 11 5. This is... What a fucking humiliation. I mean, it's unbelievable. It's unbelievable. I can't get over it. Ron DeSantis! Ron DeSantis! Who are you wearing? Who are you wearing? A woman who I tricked into helping me move a sofa into a van. woman who I tricked into helping me move a sofa into a van.

But Bette Davis wasn't done being Ron's Bette Noir. I got a gift for you. I'd love for you to wear ice shop at Fergamo. I don't accept gifts. I can't accept it. I'm sorry.

First of all, DeSantis' face, he's so... I have to say, it's like, you kind of feel for DeSantis a little bit because he's so hapless. He has no aptitude for kind of the like, the interchange. He has no ability to take in this. Look, Ron DeSantis is a five foot eight freak trying to be five foot 11. That is the truth. Obviously we all know that that is so clear. He is by, there are certain people that

demand to be bullied, right? Like, like there's something about his, and by the way, like I've had guests on Love It or Leave It, and there's just something that comes over me, and I won't say who they are, and you'll never know, but there's just something that comes over me, and it's just like, I want to bully this person. I want to give them a swirly. I want to make them pay for what? I don't know. I don't know. But like Ron DeSantis has that energy. He invites bully. He is a bully. He is there. Trump is a bully who doesn't invite bullying from across the table. He has a strength. He does. He has a kind of charisma and power. a strength. He does. He has a kind of charisma and power. I deal with it. I look, oh, what? Yeah, I don't, sorry. Let me back up. Not a fucking fan. You don't want to have an honest conversation about his strengths. When do you want to do that? December? After he wins? No, we have to do it

fucking now. We have to do it now. So anyway, Donald Trump has a strength. He does. He does. That is his, he has, he has a charisma. He's a bully you root for. DeSantis is a bully you root against. And that is what led to this moment. And then you see on DeSantis' face, that kind of tight fucking smile when he's getting the booze. And he doesn't know how to be fun, so he's like, I can't accept gifts. And it's like, this wasn't on the paperwork. You have to file

a form if you'd like to give me shoes. So anyway, this fucking jagoff, who we hopefully will never see again, presents DeSantis with these fucking shoes. And DeSantis says, I can't accept gifts. And then, yoink, Senator Bob Menendez pops into frame to grab the shoes. Damn it, I was going to do a yoink, said Clarence Thomas.

But how can we know for sure? That's right, we're going to spend a lot of time on this. How do we know for sure DeSantis doesn't just naturally clump around like an uncertain newborn cult? How do we know that his natural gait isn't 12-year-old bat mitzvah girl who talked her mother into letting her wear heels

for the first time. Well, in the wake of this controversy, Politico spoke to three shoemakers. One said, I... really? And they say journalism is dead. Hard disagree. Politico spoke to three shoemakers.

One said, I've dealt with these politicians many times. I've helped them with their lifts. DeSantis is wearing lifts, there is no doubt. And another thing, said the shoemakers, you guys only ever ask us about shoes, but we have some thoughts on abortion. Hey, turn that tape recorder back on. Anyway, according to these experts,

the key giveaways are shorter heels onto Sanchez's boots, which would be cut down to accommodate the lifts, and openings at the top of his boots, which are wider than usual, suggesting he's sized up to make room for the wedges. Interesting, right? That's why when you look at his, like,

if you look here, like, they go wide at the top. They're not snug, because there's so much more foot where ankle is supposed to be. In conclusion. It was obvious he was wearing heels. I mean, have you seen that ass? A wuga. Ron DeSantis, John DeLikey. Ultimately, it's sad,

these female beauty standards. Ron DeSantis has to do everything Trump does, but backwards in high heels. Speaking of liars in heels, a House resolution to expel George Santos from Congress failed spectacularly on Wednesday. It would take two-thirds to remove Santos, but they didn't even have a majority. This is just like the time they tried to kick me off the Lakers, said George Santos. After the vote, Santos tweeted, Tonight was a victory for due process, not me. This was never about me.

There is no sentence that self-refutes Harder than This isn't about me He said I'll never let it become about me We all have rights under this great constitutional republic And I'll fight for our right to uphold them Till my last dying breath. That post included a graphic of Santos wearing a crown

with the text, if you come for me, you best not miss. Santos then posted a photo of himself giving a thumbs up from the Mir space station. Weird thing. Fell into the atmosphere a long time ago. While speaking in Minnesota on Wednesday, President Biden

was interrupted by a crying baby to which the president responded this. It's okay. Kids are allowed to do that with me. Don't worry about it. Alright? I don't blame her. It's him or her. But before the mother could answer, Biden said, wrong. And you failed my test. Said President Biden, smashing his fists down on the podium, getting younger and younger in real time. They are a beautiful and perfect baby child who shall tell us their gender in due time, if they tell us at all.

As his hair thickened and darkened and his skin tightened and he continued. Soon we will see how foolish we've been, how lost we were in identity, like epicycles on an unmoving earth. But we and the earth spin, and it's glorious. Tear down the interstates. Tear down what binds you to a hollow life. Let the horror enthrall and change you. By this point, Biden seemed to be maybe 25 years old. So much abundance, so much creativity, and children starving, and animals suffering,

and walls around every country and every heart. A vengeful God gave us dominion, and we will be punished in this life or the next. You let that baby scream. At this point, Biden's voice cracked like a teenager, and he began to shrink. Why aren't we screaming, said a gawky Biden, barely able to see over the podium. This life is a miracle, he said finally over and over again, toe-headed and childlike, shrinking until he disappeared into his suit only for the Secret Service to find a baby wailing underneath a pile of fabric. In the crowd, a naked 81-year-old Joe Biden stood up from on top of a shattered pram on which he found himself.

The audience, in total silence, watched as he walked up four stairs to the stage, gathered up the crying baby from underneath his old man clothes, wrapped him in a shirt,

and walked him down to the mother who stood frozen holding a blanket and bottle. I love you, Mom, he said, kissing her on the cheek, easing the child back into her arms. We love you, mom, he said, kissing her on the cheek, easing the child back into her arms. We love you. Then Biden tripped going back up to the stage. And of course,

that's what they show on Fox News. I want you all to know something. No one believed in that. No one believed in that. I wrote that on the plane. And I sent it. And I sent it to the best team in podcasting. And they responded, someone check if he has a fever.

And then they said, should we play crickets after? Play the sound you had ready in case that bombed. That's what they wanted to play. Because they thought that wasn't going to work. Let that be a lesson. This isn't about me.

Republican. That is fucking insane. I do look hot. Thank you. Just hard work and discipline. You go to the pharmacy and they give you this package. You gotta keep it cold. It's filled with hard work and discipline.

And you put it in your fridge and once a week you just put the discipline in a different part of your stomach. You gotta rotate. You gotta rotate or it doesn't work. It's experimental pancreas medicine. What could go wrong? Yes, yes, doctor.

The experimental pancreas medicine. What could go wrong? Yes, yes, doctor. The experimental pancreas medicine. The more we learn about the new speaker of the house, a guy who definitely thinks ketchup is spicy, the less it makes sense. According to a report in the Daily Beast,

Mike Johnson's disclosure forms list no bank accounts. Wait, yes. So according to this report, that would mean that the Speaker of the House does not personally have any accounts with more than $1,000, and they have no accounts owned by him or his wife together that add up to more than $5,000. Say no more, brother, said new jersey senator bob menendez tapping his forehead knowingly with a stack of unmarked bills now other conservatives rushed to mike johnson's defense saying actually mike johnson's lack of a disclosed asset makes him downright american fox news ran with the headline, claim Speaker Johnson lives paycheck to paycheck, makes him relatable.

Say defenders. Corrupt politicians hiding their wealth and secret offshore bank accounts, they're just like us. Now, what's beautiful about GOP populism is that a tacky billionaire who has a gold-plated apartment while also saying racist stuff is relatable, but so is a longtime lawyer somehow appearing to be broke. They can't lose. So Matt Gaetz then tweets, the Daily Beast is furious that Speaker Johnson isn't rich, corrupt, or rich from being corrupt. He doesn't have shady business deals. He doesn't trade stocks as a congressman. No. Fuck you. You cannot single mom who works too hard, who loves her kids and never stops, Mike Johnson. He does not have a gentle hand and heart of a fighter.

He's not a survivor. You cannot fucking Reba this guy. But I will say, even though his financial disclosures make no sense, he does have the vibe of someone who makes his wife buy buttery rounds instead of brand name Ritz crackers because Jesus might see. Also, who says no to a buttery round? And the cracker's not bad either. Stop it. Cracker's not bad either.

Stop it. Doesn't even mean anything. Now, Republicans all got on their highest of high horses saying, my God, they're attacking Mike Johnson for living paycheck to paycheck, for taking care of his family like a lot of Americans do without being able to afford the nicer things. But the fact that Mike Johnson doesn't list any bank accounts is weird. The Daily Beast simply reported that this is surprising, and then these Republicans, one after another,

read the report as nefarious. But why do they read the report as nefarious? Because they also think it's weird and surprising. Because they projected onto it what they thought when they saw it, which is, that's fishy. Because it makes no sense. As many have pointed out, Johnson has four children, a mortgage, and a line of credit, and has been earning over $200,000 a year because you add what he makes teaching online courses at Liberty University,

which is real, plus his congressional salary, plus his wife's undisclosed income from two jobs. Now, that would suggest having a bank account with $1,000 in it. Like, that's not like, oh, what are you, fucking Queen of England? You have a bank account with $1,000 in it? No, he's a fucking lawyer. Makes $174,000 a year for the Congress.

He's got a bank account with $1,000 in it. Where do the direct deposits go? Do a GoFundMe for a Christian baker trying to develop a graham cracker that actually stops masturbation? Because I've been eating these things for years. They don't work. This is Noah's Ark math. When the truth comes out,

you know it's going to be some very unsexy reason, like his pastor tricked him into signing over his income so his church could buy the Shroud of Turin. Oh, wait, I'm sorry. This just in. It's a false alarm. It says here Mike Johnson just bought one big thing of blueberries that wasn't on sale. At a campaign event on Wednesday, President Biden called for

a humanitarian pause in the Israel-Hamas war to allow time to get hostages out. Look, just call it a ceasefire. A humanitarian pause is what should happen during Killers of the Flower Moon to let people go to the bathroom. This Wednesday, teachers across this fair city of Portland walked out after months of bargaining. The union, which represents some 4,000 educators in the area, is asking for a pay increase to keep up with the cost of living, as well as smaller classes, more time to plan lessons, and support for kids who came back to

the classroom post-COVID with more mental health needs. They're also asking that every teacher get residuals for digital streams of USA Network suits. If you don't ask, you don't get. Now, teachers, I don't know, how many teachers do we have here tonight? Nice I don't know how much this applies to you But over in Hollywood we made a lot of progress By yelling at Drew Barrymore Here to tell us all about how you can help Portland's teachers

It's Portland area teacher Tiffany Koyama-Lane Hi, come stand with me. Hi. We're going to just stand and talk to the people. Is it disrespectful to stand on your monologue papers? Okay. No, this is just garbage now. Okay. All right. Now first, how long have you been teaching Portland's future freaks? I have been teaching for 15 years. 15 years. And I've been teaching in Portland for 12 of those years. Last 12. Now, this is the first time in the district's history that a strike has been called and it was called with 99% support. Why did a strike, why did a strike become necessary? did a strike become necessary? Well, we are seeing more urgent and unmet needs from our communities and from our students more than ever. And we are unwilling to go back to the way things were

before COVID. And we are ready to stand up for our kids and fight for what they deserve. How fucked up did these kids come back after COVID? It's been rough. I mean, a public school classroom really is a mirror for what's going on in the larger society, in the city. All the teachers here know that. You very quickly, right? Yeah, you see who has access to food, shelter, clothing, transportation, mental health supports. Yeah, we need to center our students. Right now is the time.

This is a really important moment. And I am so proud that 99% of us are voted yes. That's incredible. Speaking of the classroom as a microcosm, how much does social media make your job harder? And how much day-to-day does it make you worry about its effect on kids? Oh, I mean, I teach third grade.

I mean, I teach third grade. And so I do, and I have a first grader and a second grader myself who are in schools, in Portland Public Schools. And I do see parents really starting to ask questions and feel scared about, you know, what can we do? I see, I have encouraged them that really it's an organizing opportunity and that you have to get their peers to also, the parents of their peers to also be on the same page in terms of, you know, once they get to middle school and high school and they're all using smartphones to connect with each other. Yeah, this is totally different than where I thought this was going to go. This is just my own personal.

That's great. But I tell families to just really start having those conversations now. How important it is to wait until eighth grade if possible. There's a campaign called Wait for Eighth that you can look up. And just giving kids more time to be kids. What would you tell parents who may be frustrated that their kids

didn't get to go to school today? Yeah, what I will say is we are so united right now. I am going to a lot of different schools. I, so I'm a zone captain. So I support 12 different schools in Southeast Portland. And we have the Portland community and the teachers, our union are so united right now. So if you go to any school site, you will see parents are bringing banana bread and have their own signs because they trust the people that spend all day with their kids. They want money to be going to student-facing supports. I don't know if you saw that there was a letter from the Oregon Legislative Assembly today that really is urging the Portland Public Schools School Board to get to the bargaining table

because they are concerned that 6% of the budget is spent on management, where if you look at comparable districts, the average is more 2% to 3%. Wow. Because part of this fight, right, is that the district is saying, oh, we can't give you what you want in terms of cost of living increases, more teachers, smaller classrooms. No rats in the classroom. No rats in the classroom. No moles. We heard about, we were talking to a school counselor today. We're not saying guidance counselor anymore. We're saying school counselor. I learned that today.

That when she came back to her desk after the summer, there was like mouse droppings all around her office. But the district is saying, oh, there's just not enough money to take care of all of this without making draconian cuts elsewhere. But it sounds like what you're saying is there is. That's a lie. That sounds like it's what people would call a lie.

Yeah. But basically there's money if you take the money from what isn't going to kids or isn't in front of, in the classroom directly. Because when there are certain priorities, there's money. And then when it's time to invest in our kids, all of a sudden they can't find the money. So they need to find the money, and there are a lot of people that signed on to that letter that said they need to get serious about that.

How can the people in this room and how can listeners support the union in the fight right now? You can support our community in fighting for our students right now. I'm glad you asked that. You can take out your phone. Take out your fucking phone. Take out your phone. And text the word solidarity to 48744.

Text the word solidarity, S-O-L-I-D-A-R-I-T-Y. Nice. To 48744. I wrote it here just because I was like, I'm not going to get that wrong. I need to.744. I wrote it here just because I was like, I'm not going to get that wrong. If I'm asked that question. Is everybody doing it? I see faces lighting up. Who did it? Let me hear. Who did it?

Oh, I see all those phones. Thank you. Now, let's say this crowd was out of control and you needed to treat them like a group of delightful but horrible eight-year-olds. Oh, there are no horrible eight-year-olds.

All right, well, now I'm questioning on some of the other things you said. You're talking to Teacher Tiffany here, so... Well, as Teacher Tiffany, how would you scold in a loving way this group of people if I need to once you're gone? Like if you needed to get control of this room, what would you do? I will show you. Guys, make some noise like you're now.

If you can hear my voice, clap once. If you can hear my voice, clap twice. If you can hear my voice, show me a peace sign. If you can hear my voice, clap twice. If you can hear my voice, show me a peace sign. If you can hear my voice, show me a thumbs up. If you can hear my voice, put your eyes up here. Teacher Tiffany, everybody. Thank you so much. Thank you.

Support the Portland Public Schools. Come on. New York City officials have announced a new health campaign, Healthy NYC, aimed at raising the city's average lifespan to at least 83 years. Oh, leave me alone, said Rudy Giuliani, waking up with his face resting on a half-eaten cake at his dining room table that has one chair. a half-eaten cake at his dining room table that has one chair. The initiative is in response to the city's average life expectancy, which has fallen by two years.

Hey, we're dying prematurely here. T.J. Holmes and Amy Robach, the Good Morning America hosts who were both married to other people, clearly having an affair, then kicked off the show, even though ABC said it wasn't against the rules, but just kind of weird, no distraction.

Then both left ABC, then both got divorced, have launched a podcast called Amy and T.J. But if you're listening at the office, make sure you wear headphones. They do like 15 minutes on Taylor and Kelsey, and the rest of it is just sex.

Four men in Philadelphia face federal charges after allegedly robbing a truck from the U.S. Mint of over $200,000 worth of dimes. That's right. Quick, how many dimes? Two million. Too slow. Too slow. Too fucking slow. They were arrested after depositing thousands of dimes in local Coinstar machines. in local Coinstar machines. First of all,

you go through the elaborate task of robbing a U.S. Mint truck, and the second part of your plan is Coinstar? This is what happens when you let the dumb one in the crew have an equal role. Imagine doing a heist and turning around

and giving 11.9% to fucking Coinstar. Coinstar, they're the bandits. They're the fucking thieves. Coinstar. How do they get away with that? You sit, you get those fucking rolls, you get it done. You open up the big thing with

all the change from pockets when that was a thing. When every day you came home with change? I feel 100 years old. It's another time, but you came home every day with change, and it went into one thing. And then once a year, you opened that thing, and you sat down, and if you were fancy, you had one of those little machines.

Remember those machines? Remember those fucking machines? Did those machines? Remember those fucking machines? Did those machines work? No. They did not work. They didn't work at all. Some of the machines said, we know the difference between coins.

That was a lie. But even once they failed that task, the next task of neatly putting them in their sheath, also unable to help. So eventually, you sat, and you counted, and you made piles.

And it was awesome. It was truly an incredible amount of fun. Do you remember making the piles? And then you wondered, why does the bank trust me? Why is this the process? According to a Washington Post report, homeschooling has become the fastest growing type of schooling in the US in recent years, even though it remains pretty much unregulated.

Shut up, said a 14-year-old girl speaking in perfect Aramaic who can only count to eight. A woman who experienced months of diarrhea may have caught a bacterial germ from her newly adopted cat in a possible medical first Doctors say you can reduce your risk of contracting the disease by making sure you and your cat use different litter boxes

Anyway, get well soon Hallie and her cat, Hallie Jr. And finally, a new study in the journal Nature Geoscience suggests that a giant plume of dust from an asteroid is what killed the dinosaurs. But that's just easier for the families to hear than autoerotic asphyxiation. When we come back, it's time for Portland to meet America. Hey, don't go anywhere.

There's more of Love It or Leave It coming up. And we're back! And we're back! America is going to hell in a handbasket. Luckily, that handbasket matches my shoes perfectly. Here to dress down the GOP presidential field is the incredible author Lydia Kiesling and the hilarious Shane Brendan. Come over here.

Hi. Hi, hi, hi. Thanks for coming. Thanks. Hi. Hi, hi, hi. Thanks for coming. Thanks for coming. Hi, hi, hi. Come on in. Will you guys go here? I'm still learning how to sit.

You got it. You got it. Go for it. I believe in you. Fucking nailed it. Hell yeah. All right. What?

All right, hello to you both. Hey, how's it going? Between the Marjory's Taylor Greene, the Matz's Gates, and the Georgia's Santos, do you think the Republican Party has gotten so bizarre it's pulling the Democratic Party

towards absurdity, like the force of the earth and the moon, like the tides. A celestial object Lauren Boebert probably doesn't believe in. Yeah. Yeah, I agree. I think it is, too. I think it's making us all weird. What do you think?

Yeah, is Lauren Boebert in the audience here? I hope so. I hope so. I hope so. I hope she's getting real frisky out there. I like that what she took away from it, like her big lesson of that whole experience was don't date Democrats. And it's like, this wasn't a partisan issue, lady.

Like politics genuinely wasn't a part of it. Like it was an apolitical disgrace, which is cool, because we don't have those anymore. It's unifying. That's unity. Yeah, it was like, it was like a, it's like, it was like, it was, we've been in a period where the monoculture, like, returned with a vengeance.

It was like, Taylor, Beyonce, Bobert, like, everybody kind of agreeing and having a blast. Nostalgia, I like to throw back. I'm waiting for my O3 time to come back, man. That's not bad. What? I mean, you know, I was killing it in O3, so I wouldn't mind. You were?

Yeah, I was doing pretty well. Oh, yeah? Yeah, I was like 25 pounds lighter. Okay. Strong jawline in O3. You had a great jawline in O3? Yeah, hard edges. Do you get advertisements for those things that they say celebrities

put in their mouths to make their jawline stronger? Oh, yeah. Those like mouth things that you chew? I get a lot of mouth ads. You know those things? Do you think they work? I don't know. What do you think?

I recently learned about that. I think men get sent those ads more often. I have never seen, and I need it, but I have never gotten one. Yeah, it's hard chewing to sharpen up the jaw. That's what the targeted ads want me to believe. And I usually believe a targeted ad. I do too.

Yeah. I do too. I do too. Yeah. I do too. Speaking of climate change. Lydia. This is my pivot. Okay.

To talk about mobility. Oh, thank you. Mobility, the first book from crooked media reads now first of all we called the imprint crooked media reads because there was another book publisher called crooked something and we were going to get in trouble if we didn't put another word at the end if you had known that would you have still allowed us to publish your book? I would have loved to workshop, yeah, maybe some of the words. I don't know. What else were you throwing around? So it was truly there is nothing that I do in this life

that is more frustrating to the people around me than involve myself in a name storm. I could go for fucking days. I could literally, you give me a fucking, a dry erase marker that was properly put in its cup, fucking tip down. I'm ready. I'm ready. I'm ready. But, you know,

the Republican Party in the U.S. is an outlier on virtually everything, but especially on climate change. Mobility exists both as a story about climate in the U.S., but also a broader story about how the world is facing climate change, how a kind of corporate structure that is international is trying to avoid facing up to climate change. Can you talk a little bit about like U.S. craziness and how it factors into mobility? Wow, that is a complex question. I'd say the thing that's most like vivid as an illustration to me now is if you go on like the Halliburton website you would be pretty sure that they make like

environmentally friendly like windmills or if you go on BP's website it's like we're solving this crisis together we are the we are the energy transition and we're supposed to say thank you and yeah I mean I think our political process is like encouraging We are the energy transition, and we're supposed to say thank you.

And, yeah, I mean, I think our political process is, like, encouraging that at basically every turn. So you wrote the book, which is incredible, and people should buy it. and I think that like it is a book that grapples with personal responsibility to an enormous problem that we feel like the way in which people rationalize their connection to a broken system and I think that that's something that is like the left grapples with I I think, more than the right does. But I think you see it in everything from fights about banning straws at Starbucks, all the way up to, you know, what is all the way up to like, what protests are happening, like on college campuses? How do you think about the challenge of, on the one hand, recognizing that individuals have responsibility, while on the other hand, people will want to be part of a movement

that is fun, that doesn't feel like you have to be perfect to belong? Yeah, that's such a great point. I think when people hear things like recently, like French people did a poll where they all agreed that people should have like four flights in their life. That doesn't like maybe make a lot of people think like, yes, I want to join on to this movement. But I personally, when I see like really young people going and like yelling, yelling at very self-satisfied political donors at a fancy garden party. I actually love that for them. I'm like, I want to be the person that the young generation does not come and yell at. I will do whatever they want to prevent that from happening. Getting yelled at is my kink, but I understand your point.

Do you like to be yelled at? Yeah, I mean, sometimes Take a shot Man How the fuck are you gonna come out here And then put in my mind What you were like in 2003 Leaving me wondering I don't have anything It's all I have to contribute And then put in my mind what you were like in 2003. Leaving me wondering.

I don't have anything. It's all I have to contribute. I'm way out of my depth here. You what? Yeah, I don't know. You wrote a book? That's awesome. Why didn't you write a book?

Why didn't I write a book? I barely read, okay? You barely read? Yeah, yeah. Oh, me too. See, there it is. Well, I listen. Oh, I'm all about ear read. I? You barely read? Yeah, yeah. Oh, me too. See, there it is. Well, I listen. Oh, I'm all about ear read.

I don't eye read. Audibles. I believe. Any other ear readers out there? Here's my feeling on ear reading. Okay. As we call it. Scientists sometimes refer to it as listening.

But I don't want to use jargon. I don't want to get, I don't want to get too, uh, scientific about it, but my philosophy is you reading an audio book counts as long as you don't find yourself doing something else for 15 minutes and then say, I think they're at the movies. You know what I mean? Right. You got to listen as well as your eyes. You know your eyes can't not see something? You know what I'm saying?

You know what I mean, though? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Once you know how to read, when you look at words, you know what they are. You can't stop the process. Correct. You see what I'm saying? Once you know how to read, and you know what they are you can't stop the process you see what I'm saying once you know how to read once you know how to read when you know how to read

and someone puts you can't say no no no I don't want to see those words so I'll let my eyes not see them it's automatic it's almost like you're forced I don't want the teacher to hear this but once you've learned to read as a child which you don't have any saying because you're not a you're a minor you can't as an adult decide i want to stop knowing how to do this i hate this okay all right okay i can't argue with anything you just said. I have no counterpoint. Reading's tight, though.

No, reading is tight. I have a Teacher Tiffany anecdote because she's my friend and my neighbor, and we had no idea that we would be on the stage. She is running for city council. Yeah! District 3. Nice. Shout out to Teacher Tiffany.

Shout out to Teacher Tiffany. Sweet lady. Do you like Portland? Do I like Portland? Yeah, sure, I like Portland. Do you like Portland? Yeah, I like it. But like, do you like it though?

Yeah, I like it. I really like it. It's the greatest city in the world. Lydian Chain. America's many things. In the same way a hive full of yellow jackets eating an old corn dog somebody dropped on the fairgrounds

is many things in america one thing it is is weird as a result increasingly americans demand extremely weird presidents forget someone you want to get a beer with now americans want a president who dropped a pallet of bud light off a bridge because a trans woman held a can of it on TikTok. Weird fucking country. Yeah. Now would we all like to see

a pallet of beer dropped off a bridge onto, say, a GMC truck below? Sure. Fuck yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yes. But that's not the point. Fuck yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yes.

But that's not the point. All right. The point is it's time for a game we're calling Keep America Weird. Yeah. Lydia, I'll start with you. Mid-GOP debate, Chris Christie called Donald Trump what Disney character? I'll give you a hint. It was an insult based on how Donald Trump

was avoiding questions. No cheating up in the balcony. You're up there. We're down here. Peter Pan? Oh. No, it was Donald Duck. Show the cursed text. You're ducking these things and let me tell you

what's going to happen you keep doing that no one up here is going to call you donald trump anymore we're going to call you donald duck drop the mic that's hard It's my friend Chris. That's hard. It was hard watching. You know, you ever see, you have a friend and you can't help them. Yeah. You know what I mean? And you actually realize

when you've tried to help them, you don't help them. You actually need to stop trying to help because actually the way to help them is to not help them. Yeah, that's most

of my friendships, dude. Yeah. That's me and Chris Christie. Cool. Shane, new rumors are swirling Around Ron DeSantis' sartorial choices With critics posting video evidence That DeSantis is in fact Wearing what?

Oh, heels Yeah See? Fuck yeah Let's show the proof again. Insane. Oh, God. I mean, the man.

Do you remember that Dr. Seuss book about the sad king who no longer protects the low-lying land from the birds that chip away at the roots of the trees that prevent the water from rushing in because someone stole his stilts? No. You're making this up. That's not real.

Yeah, no. Wait a second. Yeah. Is that a book I dreamt? That exists, right? The King's Stilts? Fuck yeah. Nerd.

Anyway. I live here too. I'm also weird. Lydia, in his August interview with Tucker Carlson's Twitter show, Donald Trump shared his thoughts on the death of which infamous figure? Oh, my God. Can you use the lifeline and ask the balcony again? Yeah, I guess so.

I need help. Oh, Jeffrey Epstein? Yeah. Hell yeah. Shout out to you. They got to talking about it. Oh, no. Do you think Epstein? Yeah. Hell yeah. Shout out to you. They got to talking about it. Oh, no. Do you think Epstein killed himself sincerely?

I don't know. I will say that, you know, he was a fixture in Palm Beach. Yeah. I don't know what Barr said about it either. I have no idea what he said. What did he say? He killed himself? That's Donald Duck.

That's Donald Duck right there. That's fucking Donald Duck. You know how fucking crazy you have to be that you ask Donald Trump and he's like, whoa, whoa, whoa, pal. Easy. Easy. Easy. In August, Vivek Ramaswamy said

Representative Ayanna Pressley was like a leader of what racist organization? Okay. A leader of a, well, of course, the racist organization. It's got to be the first one you think of. Yeah, it is the Klan. Yes. I knew that. That was what he said. Right off the bat. Called her a modern grand wizard of the modern KKK. That's right. Boo, boo that. Yeah, you're correct. Yeah. Yeah, because he sucks.

Yeah, yeah, he does. Lydia, some people have 15 minutes of fame. Others have 15 minutes of wait who. During his tragic presidential run, former GOP candidate Doug Burgum gave away what in exchange for new donors to the campaign? If you donated $1 to Doug Burgum, what did you get? A sizzler gift card. Close. I wish it were a sizzler

gift card. Just $20. So if you donated $1 to Doug Burgum, he gave you $20. Is that legal? You make it up on volume. Is that legal? You make it up on volume. But the... He needed to acquire the donors.

He had to get to a certain number of donors to get on the debate stage because that's where he kept his rocket ship. Where he would take off. Checks out. And so he had to buy the donors. So if you gave him a dollar, you got $20. By the way, why didn't we all do that?

There's literally, like, think about it the way, why didn't we all do that? There's literally, like, think about it. Like, why didn't, like, but why? Seriously, none of us did. Did anyone here do it? Did you actually? Fuck yeah, Portland.

Because, like, you just, like, game it out. Like, you're taking, you're taking $19 from a Republican presidential candidate and Republican governor. Like, it's like,

that's money to you from something that the world would be better without. It's all upside. Why didn't we all fucking do it? We should do it. Why don't we do it right now? Yeah, we still got time.

Everyone text solidarity. Shane, during the second GOP debate, Nikki Haley told Vivek Ramaswamy, every time I hear you, I feel a little bit dumber for what you say. Because he talked about doing a TikTok with this YouTuber turned pro fighter. You know I know the answer to this. Yeah, it's Jake Paul.

Hell yeah. That guy sucks. As a follow up, as a follow up before filming that video, Ramaswamy called TikTok a digital version of what drug the day before he joined the platform? You know what? You can steal it. Is it fentanyl? Correct. And by the way,

a broken Vivek is right twice a day because it is fentanyl. It is. It's digital fentanyl i think that's true i don't know man there's a lot okay well we can walk right outside this theater and see tiktok just all over the place you know i've passed a few tikts on the walk over here. So... Yeah. Yeah.

No, that's an important point. Yeah. Fuck. All right. During Pride Month this year, this candidate made a video highlighting Trump's alleged pro-LGBTQ support as a way to shame him.

A candidate, a Republican, made an anti-Trump video by claiming he was too pro-gay. Who did it? Who did it? Either one of you can take it. Too pro-gay? What was the name of the candidate? No, the candidate accused Trump

of being pro-gay. The candidate accused Trump of being pro-gay. Who was it? Oh. Where is he? It was it? Oh. Where's he go? It was DeSantis. Jake Paul, dude. Mike Pence.

Oh, nice. This fucking guy. Do you know people, have you dealt with people in your life like a Ron DeSantis? Like, have you come across this type, this sort of officious, mean, ambitious, unlikable type? A couple people have. Have you? I think he's pretty, he's like a, he's rare to see in the wild as a type.

But he eats with the salad, with the fork? He eats pudding with three fingers. And the question is, which three fingers? My instinct was like that, you know? But then you can think, maybe it's like European style, you know? Oh, wow.

Like that, you know? Like how in Ingllorious bastards it gave him away i totally get that reference uh there's a bunch of these dudes once you just drive at least 15 minutes outside of portland in either direction either In either direction. Either direction? Either direction. Yeah. A couple of Santys. They're all over the place. Can I ask you an Oregon question?

So, Portland is like this. Okay. But not much else in Oregon is like this. Oh, no. It's just this. Yeah. And Eugene. Oh, yeah. And Eugene yeah and you got some fucking ducks in here yeah sure sure eugene i guess portland is it's a big sea of red well the the oregon is a big sea red

with a little drop of blue and that's that's our beautiful city of Portland. And Eugene. What is... Interesting. Do people from Eugene have a chip on their shoulder? Yes. There it is. You said you were here first? Technically. Is that what you mean? Technically I don't think any of you were here first? Technically. Is that what you mean?

Technically, I don't think any of you were here first. I don't think we want to start a who was here first contest. I did read some of those books, so I know that's not true. I don't think that's a fruitful journey. No, no. But go Ducks, whatever. You think that's a fruitful, fruitful journey. Yeah. No, no. But go Ducks, whatever, you know. Just kidding, I'm a Bulldogs fan. And finally, during his still-running, ill-fated campaign,

Tim Scott got into it with an EGOT winner on the set of a long-running daytime talk show. Which EGOT winner was it? Do you know? Shh. Do you know? No? of a long-running daytime talk show. Which EGOT winner was it? We're going to go with Whoopi. You got it. Let's see the clip. Go ahead. I'm going to stand up now.

Wait, why did he stand up now. Sit down. Wait, why'd he stand up? What was about to happen? They were in a bit of a, they were having a discussion, a dispute. I'd watch Whoopi throw hands. That'd be tight.

Right? Whoopi could beat the shit out of that guy. Whoopi Goldberg is so cool. Like, she'd be cool if she weren't a Star Trek character. Right, yeah.

And on top of all that, like, you know what? You're never, in the same way that whenever Lilith shows up on Frasier, and I'm sorry, I'm previewing my Seattle material. How dare you? How dare you open mic Seattle jokes to us? Bring it. Bring it. Bring it.

Oh, yeah, yeah. What if everyone in Portland wore a suit? That's called Seattle. Yeah. If somehow, like, if, like, if New York was a person. Okay. And then came over to Portland and put its finger in Portland's face and said, you grow up and start taking responsibility.

It would walk up the coast, sit down and be Seattle. The point I was making, and it is important, is that in the same way you're always happy to see Lilith stop by on an episode of Frasier, whenever Whoopi Goldberg shows up on an episode of Star Trek, you're like, fuck yeah, Guinan, hell yeah, we're doing it. We're doing it, we're doing it. In the Star Trek world, Lydia, it took a global war for them to figure out

how to finally have a kind of humane and communal and pro-environment society. Sure, dude. Wait, which? Oh, okay. I thought you were talking about Star Wars. I was like, I didn't catch any of that shit. No, I heard, I missed, I ear-read wrong. I didn't, I didn't catch any of that shit. No, I heard, I mis, I ear read wrong.

I didn't, I'm sorry. But that's my point about ear reading. Yes. Which is, that's the whole point, to bring us back full circle. See, I'm here to help. And mobility is an audio book. Yes, you can ear, you can ear read it.

And it's a great way to enjoy it. Awesome. You should get it as an audio book, which where you, that's where you, audio books are where you do your to enjoy it. Awesome. You should get it as an audio book, which that's where you, audio books are where you do your best ear reading. Yes. But you mis-ear read what I was saying. Yes.

But if I had printed on a sign, you wouldn't have, you couldn't have. You know, you would have just seen the words, like subtitles, which is also a term of art. That's also reading, that counts. That does count as reading. Thank you, tell my wife that. But then also the,

and your podcast is called Assville. Yeah. And what's it about? It's about asses? No, it's mostly about... What's it about? Do you know what it's about? Yeah, it's just a good time. It's a good time.

It's more of a family, current events, pop culture kind of thing. So Asphal is more of like a state of mind. Asphal is an essence to feeling. It's a glance from across the room. It's a friend in the balcony that shouts out answers. This segment was weird. Everybody, go buy Lydia's amazing

novel, Mobility, at your closest brick-and-mortar mom-and-pop bookshop, and go listen to Shane's podcast Asville, which sounds like my kind of town, and follow him at Shane Brendan. When we come back, the weirdness continues. That was good.

That was good. And we're back. There aren't many slogans for a city better than Keep Portland Weird. In fact, it's so good, some fucking startup infested right-wing place down in Texas stole it.

You had it first. Okay, Austin. It can't be that weird if there are this many bachelorette parties. Things are so weird here. We like to cook meat. Fucking idiots. Where do they get off?

Where do they fucking get off? Weird. We're so weird. We like technology. Shut up. Like when a hot guy calls himself a nerd. Shut up. You're not a nerd.

You've had friends your whole goddamn life. That's not a nerd. What are we doing this weekend? If that question had an answer, you're not a nerd. What are we doing this weekend? If that question had an answer, you're not a nerd. We didn't have anything to do. We played Mario Kart. Portland played Mario Kart.

Austin went to the prom. Oh, now you don't want to be weird anymore. Now you want to be weird but still go to the prom. Oh, now you don't want to be weird anymore. Now you want to be weird but still go to the prom. Fuck you. Fuck you. What is this energy I'm bringing? The point is... Let's get to the bottom of what makes this fair city as weird as you people claim.

Please welcome the bizarrely hilarious Imani Danai and the mystifyingly talented Silhouette. Hi, hi, hi. Thanks for being here. Hi, come on in. You guys go here and there. I'll come across. You're doing good.

You're doing great. I got it. I learned the Princess Diana sitting method from the audience before the show. I don't... There we go. Nice. There we go. Nice. You're over the CC.

You're crossing over, which is what I did, and they were like, yeah, but don't. But don't do that. You should. I don't want you to. You should however you want to sit. Absolutely. No, that's really actually uncomfortable. Nice.

There we go. Question, either one of you can take it. Is Portland still weird, or is it just a Trader Joe's with a crumbling bridge like every other major city? Portland is definitely really weird still. Yeah, I think it's still weird. If you know it, you find the pockets of, especially when you see someone walking a pig down Hawthorne,

and that's just like a regular thing that you see multiple times in your life. It's great. You know what stinks? I'll tell you. The pigs all get big. You know?

People get tricked into thinking, oh, this is gonna be a small pig. No such thing. It's small for now, but it's going to be a big fucking pig. Yes. The answer is yes. Does living in Portland make you strive to be weird? Does the city make you weird? Or does the weird make the city? Imani, what do you think?

I don't think the city makes you weird I think you're weird if you stay here and live here It's just it's a safe haven for weirdos Yeah But you feel that? Yeah, I feel like Portland is like it's a safe haven for weirdos. Yeah.

But you feel that? Yeah. I feel like Portland is like the kids who were bullied in middle school and then the kids who bullied people in middle school trying to get a better life. Like trying to turn things around. So some of the

bullies stay, but they grow and they change. and that's also part of it yeah what about the rain is that part of it well yes it is i don't know maybe getting rained on makes you weird one thing i also noticed walking around around Portland today is in other cities, everywhere, without exception, at an intersection, someone somewhere made a choice, which is stop sign, light, flashing light, yield sign. yield sign. Just every single intersection, literally everywhere on planet Earth, someone was like, when people

get here, they need to know what to do. And Portland was like, we're going to try it slightly differently. Yes, we'll do your traditional thing several places. But sometimes, roads

will just intersect and then you vibe it out. Yeah. Yeah. You have to be a little aggressive when you reach a place like that. You're just like, I'm going now.

You guys can wait. But what's interesting about it is, also, there'll be like, and now you might think like, yes, of course, the cars should figure it out but for humans with their soft soft delicate outer bits that protect the

liquid that must remain inside there would be say what we call in los angeles and the globe of earth crosswalks crossing spots places to walk crosswalks you crossing spots, places to walk, crosswalks. You're like, no, no, no. No, no, no. Again, vibe it out. I also, I appreciate that the vibing out is also, we're not, we're a no honk city. Like when you're driving, there's not a lot of people honking. So it's also this passive aggressive, like inching into a really dangerous intersection

and hoping for the best. Yeah. And I heard someone shout, the intersection is a crosswalk. Yes. Yes. Truly anywhere is. If that's where you cross. But some cities, and maybe this hasn't gotten all the way here yet, they'll paint fucking lines on the ground.

Yes. all the way here yet, they'll paint fucking lines on the ground as a signal both to the walker and the people in 7,000 pound metal objects to let them know, keep their eye out. Keep their eye out. Because there's going to be basically organs and bones surrounded by a quarter inch of fucking flesh moving slowly, lumbering across this very space. I think this every single day. Do you?

Yes. And then sometimes I feel bad because I'll see a pedestrian and they'll be like, don't hit me. I was like, do you think I want to go to jail? Of course I'm not going to fucking hit you with my car. And you don't want to hurt them. Oh yeah that too but also

like Even the term pedestrian is insane. Like oh so like I'm a person but the second you're in a murderous metal fucking monster I'm a pedestrian. No I'm not. When did I?

What is the moment that you become a fucking pedestrian? Are we pedestrians right now? No, because there's nobody in a fucking monster truck trying to kill us when we're in this room. So we're all people now. When we go out there, we go out there, we become

pedestrians. Fuck that. I never thought about that before if you wear a good enough outfit you're never a pedestrian though amen hell yeah hell yeah yeah

you gotta stop traffic absolutely and that's so important Imani silhouette I'm a man of simple brand name chain store pleasures Starbucks Starbucks in the morning and that's so important. Imani, silhouette. I'm a man of simple brand name chain store pleasures. Starbucks in the morning,

Panda Express in the afternoon, Starbucks again at night. My doctor says I'm dying. Personally, I'm just dying to know a little bit more about the weirdest parts of Portland, which is why we're going to pit you against each other

in a segment we're calling Keep Portland Weird or Either Oregon. Here's how it works. I'm going to give you a topic, flip a coin, and whatever that lands on, you're going to have to either make an argument for it or make an argument against it. Why you love it or why you hate it. Are you ready?

Yes. Yes. Do you have a coin? I do. Okay, cool. Producer Brian said there's a coin on that little table. Yeah, Brian, back to life again. First up, vegan locks from Ben and Esther's. Have either one of you had it? Have you had it? I have not. You have not? Alright, so then Imani, we're going to start with you.

We're going to flip a coin, and wherever it lands, heads, you love it. Tails, you hate it. You have 30 seconds. Okay? Heads. So I love it. You fucking love it. You have 30 seconds to love vegan lox.

So let me tell you about these lox for a second. So first off, the lox portion is carrots. They're marinated carrots. Isn't that crazy? And it kind of does taste like legit. I like Einstein Bros locks, but these ones, I was like, wow, I'm changing

my life for the better because it's all vegetables. I mean, that's what all vegan stuff is. It's all vegetables. But it's really good. So what they do is that they keep it kind of original. They got the capers and, well, it's really good. So, like, what they do is that they keep it, like, kind of original. They got the capers and, like, well, it's vegan cream cheese. But it still tastes exactly the same.

I stopped eating it, I'm not going to lie. I forgot to do the second. All right. It was good, though. All right. Now, great, great. Silhouette, you're up. Now. Great. Great. So what you're up. Yeah.

The annual world naked bike ride. But you may be against it. You may be. I could be. I have many reasons. It's a complicated. It's tails. I hate it.

You have 30 seconds. Okay. So let me tell you about my experience with the naked bike ride this year i was not in the naked bike ride because um i uh you know was just living my life and i decided to walk home and they all decide to pass now here's the thing about the naked bike ride that i think is very interesting and it's my anger with all parade-type events, okay? Is there on... Why are they on the main road where everyone has to be driving, everyone's trying to get through? Like, I... I love Pride.

I love the Pride parade. But if it was, like, on a different street so I could get to it better, I would appreciate it. The same thing with the naked bike ride. It's a bunch of naked people coming right through. It's, um... It's a... I also need coming right through. It's, it's a,

I also need consent. There we go. Right? Naked, naked. I love the naked bike ride. Bunch of, bunch of naked people coming right through.

What is this? My Saturday? It's not my Saturday. Imani, you're up. Okay. Yeah. Next up. Taking a good one.

All right. People are so obsessed with the carpet at the airport that you can get socks with the pattern. Yeah. But do you like it

or do you hate it? That's the pattern look at that but you hate it i hate it well i mean it's just fucking carpet dude like grow up grow up it's stained and shit and like people were bidding for this like carpet they were like i'm gonna pay like three thousand dollars for a single square of carpet. What is wrong with you? And I bet you it smells. How often do they even clean it? That's part of the reason they got rid of it, because it was dirty.

It was dirty. And then they want to take a picture of their feet every time they go to the airport. We don't care. None of us care. Ooh, you travel. Cool. Couldn't agree more. Couldn't agree more. Silhouette.

Yes. Are you familiar with the Casa Diablo Vegan Strip Club? Absolutely. I'm familiar. Don't make me against sex workers right now it's landed on heads yes listen okay sex work is real work please go out and support sex workers be respectful to them they bring they bring service. They provide a service that we all appreciate and love. And they're getting paid to do it. So make sure that you are paying them, tipping them.

And I hope that the next time that you go, that you say, Silhouette said that this is a good place to be. And that I'm going to treat you all with respect. Because what even in that space consent is still mandatory. Well, I think that is a perfect place to leave it for now. You'll both be back for the rant wheel, but thank you so much to Silhouette and Imani.

Silhouette's birthday is tomorrow. Yes! Oh my God! At the Get Down. It's a fundraiser supporting trans and non-binary artists. So check that out. If you go to my Instagram, there's a ticket link. If you can go, come out. It that out. If you go to my Instagram, there's a ticket link. If you can go,

come out. It's tomorrow. If you want to buy a ticket just to support the mission, please go ahead and do that as well. Just buy a ticket even if you can't make it.

And Imani is performing at Seattle International next week. So everybody go check that out. You can make it. This was so much fun. You'll both be back for the rant.

When we come back, let's get weird with this crowd. You can make it. This was so much fun. You'll both be back for the rant. When we come back, let's get weird with this crowd. Don't go anywhere. This is Love It or Leave It, and there's more on the way. And we're back. It's time we open the floor to a segment we're calling

Keep Portlanders Weird. And before you ask, yes, we're creative and we love a theme. Here's how this is going to work. Brian is out there. Now, now, guys, give it up for Brian. First of all, it's lovely to see all of you at this sold-out show. Now, here's how this is going to work.

Take a moment and think. How weird am I? This is a room with hundreds of people, and I want you to search your soul, and I want you to search your soul. And I want you to think, is it possible I'm the weirdest person in this room? It's not weird that you love your donk.

It's not weird that you stay up late. I want to freak. All right? Now, now that you've searched your soul, I want you to raise your hand if you believe you might be the wow so fast holy shit i want you to raise your hand if you think you're the weirdest person in this room now i also want you to keep in mind that this is a podcast that is actually extremely popular and so i would like you not to be confessing to a crime.

Crime isn't weird. Crime is cool. So this is about being weird. We are going to find ideally five. You got to keep it tight. And then we're going to rank you and find the weirdest person

in this room, okay? Who thinks they've got a shot at this? Wow. Let's go to this person. Hi. In one sentence, what makes you weird? When I was younger, my dad worked

for the zoo and he would bring home dead animals and I would keep them in for baldahide. Alright. Alright. Can anyone beat that? That woman can beat it. Her hand went up so fast. You're fucked.

Let's put formaldehyde up. Now I sound like a killer. Well, now you sound like a killer. We actually didn't think that, but now we do. When I was in fourth grade, a farmer told me he was going to slaughter all the ponies. So I stole one, took it home, fed it peanut butter and jelly, and let about 200 go free. That's cool.

That's cool. All right. Just going to rank in real time. Let's go back to that woman behind you because she was so gung-ho. Ma'am, you were ready. I can't be that you can't thank you for admitting it that does mean you're not if you don't believe you have to believe you're weird this is pretty upsetting but i'll i'll tell you hold on hold on hold on Right now we live in a world where we're all cool and we didn't

hear it. In about 30 seconds we may have all heard it. Do you want to live in that world? You can decide no and pass the mic back. Sincerely, right now. If you guys will let me leave the theater at the end of this without Now we need to hear it.

Let's go. That's a fucking weird... Okay, just so we know where we're at, right now, I have to say, formaldehyde is beating ponies because if the animals are dead, it's weirder. You're up. I think Mike Johnson is pretty hot. Okay.

Moving up the Learder board. Let's get two more. Can you beat any of those three? Again, we have someone who is, I guess, preserving dead zoo animals, stealing and feeding ponies. Hundreds of ponies. Hundreds of ponies. Where does that happen?

Portland. Portland. I haven't seen a single pony. And we have finding Mike Johnson hot. By the way, I like that it's only women participating. You fucking boring-ass Portland beta-cuck men. Fucking soft-ass flannel-hiking fleece boys. I'm sorry, who has the mic and how can we help you?

Hi. Hello. Starting in my early 20s, I began a long running street cone klepto phase to the point to where like my boss at my job supported my fucking habit, and I had a massive collection of cones. People at my work started giving me, like, ornaments.

And then, like, two weeks ago, my other half just shows up with a miniature fucking cone out of nowhere because it was just a thing. I once stopped on a date driving around town, screeched my tires, picked up a fucking cone, stuck it in my trunk. That was the only date we ever went on. Okay, here's the thing. Here's the thing.

It's an art because nobody wants to be fucking up anybody's construction sites or safety issues, so you look for the orphan cone and you get the orphan fucking cone. The cone thing is going up. The cone thing is going up.

I have to say, that is, you know why? Because it's lifelong. Because it's ongoing. Because it's ongoing. Because it's an unquenchable habit. It does feel vaguely sexual. I've never sat on any of them. The last one that I had, I said never. But.

Young man. But. But. But. And that's what you do it with. But, but, I do feel like the psychic veil between you and fucking one of these cones, it's gossamer. The irony. You can see through it. The irony is I hate the color orange.

I hate the color orange. Oh, yeah, yeah, that's what this is about. the color orange. I hate the color orange. Oh yeah, that's what this is about. You hate orange. Give me a fucking break. When people hate something, they screech their car to a stop and bring it close. Lenny hated the rabbits. Lenny hated those little cute rabbits too. I get it. I'm not indifferent

to them. I get it. The last one I stole, I left in my old Nissan Sentra that I recently salvaged, and so somewhere salvage yard has my last, like, pet cone. Absolute stone cold fucking freak. There is a person here

who basically had dead animals as pets, and that person is not as weird as you. Take this fucking mic back. You're weirder than them. That's amazing. Does anybody want to take a shot at beating that? Her hand went up. Her hand went up.

I can tell you which animal. No. Wait, I'm sorry. One moment. What's the biggest animal that you put in... It was... No, no, no.

Its head was this big. Its body was this big. It had just engorged itself on a tortoise. Yuck. I'm sorry I asked. Your position is unchanged. Hi. Hi. Okay, sorry I asked. Your position is unchanged. Hi.

Hi. Okay, so I live downtown, and sometimes when I'm walking down the street, I will see people with their dick out, peeing. I've seen people take shits on the ground, just do the most heinous things ever. When I see these things, I do not divert my eyes. As a poet, let's never divert their eyes. A poet must never divert their eyes.

I stare right at them, purposely. I can't stop doing it. I have to look. I have to make eye contact. I have to look. I have to watch the shit come out of their ass. I have to watch them piss. And I don't know why, but I have to do it.

It's an intrusive behavior. I can't stop it. Fucking yes. Yes. You know what's beautiful about that? You know what's beautiful about that? I'll tell you. I'll tell you what's beautiful about that.

It's so small. This woman was stealing dead creatures from a zoo This person has been stealing construction equipment For two decades Someone out there released a Roman centurion's worth of horses And you Are the weirdest person here. Oh, thank you. With a glance.

Thank you. Thank you. These are our final rankings. In five, it is Dad's Zoo Formaldehyde. In position four, Mike Johnson is hot. In three, it's Stolen Ponies. And in number two, it's street cone klepto. And in number one, number one, intrusive street piss watcher.

You are keeping Portland weird. And we all thank you for it. When we come back, it's time for the Railwheel. And we're back. Go to Seattle and they're like, I had sex in the kitchen once. Fucking losers. I have a red car. All right, we are just days away from the 2023 elections

and there's a lot going on behind the scenes here at Crooked and on the Friends of the Pod Discord. On election night, Tuesday, November 7th, join the Crooked team as we mainline vote count updates in our election night support group. We'll be doing that from 4 to 9 p.m. Pacific. Crooked hosts and staff will be jumping on Discord

to comment on election results as they roll in. We'll laugh, we'll cry, we'll stream PBS. Then on Wednesday, Crooked hosts and staff will be back on Discord for our group thread covering the third and blessedly final GOP primary debate. Maybe. While we won't be streaming the debate, you can count on us to add live commentary,

so check that out. So go to crooked.com slash friends to sign up for the Friends of the Pod Discord and bonus content. It's great. You should check it out. Thank you to everyone here. How many here have signed up?

And how many are glad you did? 100%. And we have some awesome merch in the store for the holidays to help get the holiday vibes going. Check out the Crooked store. We have a bunch of new stuff. What better way to say

thank God 2023 is almost over than with an ornament... for the goyim. Check it out. There's a bunch of really amazing designs. Please go check it out. If you don't like it, don't buy it. Once you get there, you'll buy it. So go to crooked.com slash store to check out our holiday collection. All right, please welcome back to the stage Imani, Shane, and Lydia. And Silhouette. Everybody come back out. Oh, everybody's here.

Come on out. Here, you sit. I'll stand. You sit. Come sit. Come sit. Wow, this chair. All right. Now it's here. Come on out. Here, you sit. I'll stand. You sit. Come sit. Come sit. Wow, this chair. All right.

Now it's time. Kendra's flying in with the mic. Yay. Yeah. Now it's time for the rant wheel. Here's how it works. We spin the wheel wherever it lands. We rant about the topic.

There's a bunch of stuff on the wheel. Let's spin it. There we go. Let's spin it. Yeah. What? Yeah. Everybody good? You got this. Hey, you got this.

Let's spin the wheel. Let's spin the wheel. It has landed on Portland restaurants only serving rustic potatoes instead of hash browns. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, what the fuck? What the fuck? It's not just Portland. What? It's not?

No, I was in Hood River, and they did the same thing. I don't give a fuck what they're doing over there. Here's the thing. I don't understand why every breakfast spot in Portland is up their own ass. You don't have hash browns? How hard is it to chop the shit up, right? The rustic... It's chaos, all right?

It's pure chaos. You want to charge me extra for a rusted potato just because you're not even cutting them shits right. And most of the time, it's not fucking season. All right, here's the thing. Every restaurant I've been to in Portland, when I want to get some breakfast, whether it's breakfast time or late night after leaving an establishment

where alcohol was consumed, I like to have some sort of like you know look denny's ihops something like that like like that kind of hash brown real cheap real bad for you type shit real just soaked in oil not your fucking artisanal rustic pieces of shit the fuck get out of here with that shit thank you thank you Thank you for saying that. I'm sorry. No, it's a good example of it's not broken. Yeah.

Needn't fix it. No. Same thing actually applies later in the day when they're like, oh, we have a twist on French fries. Okay, untwist it and bring me fucking French fries. Yeah. You think you're looking at a it's the year 2023 you're looking at a potato and thinking you're figuring out something that's going to be better than what we've been doing with the potato for a thousand fucking years it's ridiculous i'm also now realizing for the first time

that the plural of IHOP is ISOP. IHOSOP. What? Well, the International House of Pancakes is doesn't make any sense. It's the International Houses

of Pancake. It's IHOSOP. What? You have one IHOP, two IHOSOPs. Right? No. That's wrong. IHOP. What? You have one IHOP, two IHOSOPs. Right? No. That's wrong.

IHOPs? No. And that's wrong. It's just as wrong as fucking rustic potatoes. I also think that the rustic potatoes are bad. Thank you. And that's perfect. That's perfect.

Now, can I just ask you a question? Are they, when, what is, when we, I don't know what a rustic potato is. Every potato, they come out of the ground pretty fucking rustic. You know, they don't, they're not like, oh, let's, yo, this, this dirt covered fucking brown soil bulb. It's too fancy. Let's take it down a notch. What are they doing to make it rustic? Barely chop them up.

Sometimes they kind of like boil and then do a light smash. That's like what I do. I can do that in my own home. We and Lydia are writing a book, dude. We're going to write a book. Boil and Light Smash. That's perfect.

I love it. I love it. I went to a place called JoJo's. Yeah. Shout out to JoJo's. It's your favorite place. And I don't want to yuck anyone else's yum. Whoa.

Tread lightly, buddy. Tread lightly. He's trying to disparage JoJo's. What are we doing with the potatoes there? They're different. They're bigger. It's a JoJo. And a JoJo

is a kind of... It's a potato wedge. Right from a rustic potato. But you call them JoJo's. And that's... They're done. They're perfect as they are. They wouldn't be better if they were, say,

cut smaller, say, each one of those wedges into, say, French fries. JoJo's are not rustic potatoes. JoJo's are brilliant. Wait, isn't rustic potatoes a type of potato? That's russet. Russic, okay.

You see? You see? You see what's happening here? I'm not a farmer. I don't know these things. So I just want to just be clear of where we're at right now. If it's the morning and someone hasn't finished cutting the potatoes,

boo. But if it's the evening and someone hasn't finished cutting the potatoes, boo. But if it's the evening and someone hasn't finished cutting the potatoes, it's yay. You get it. You got it. Okay. Okay. You are weird. Let's spin it again.

It has landed on heteronormativity. I'm here to tell you all real quick. Okay, so here's the thing. When I say that, when I talk about I want to dismantle heteronormativity in our society, usually people think that I'm against straight people and that I'm against monogamy. Yes, I am. No, just kidding.

But what really it is, is it's about opening up options for us to exist and be happy in our lives that relationships can look different and that friendships and romances and intimacy and all of those things can be if we learn about ourselves a little bit more and we take the time to see the things that maybe challenge us or maybe make us uncomfortable about ourselves and about our relationships that we might be able to find a way to grab those pockets of joy that we kind of miss out on because we're so worried about trying to have an acceptable way of life and not a happy way of life. Let's spin the wheel.

All right. Portland driving. Yeah, I hate it. I know, I'm like... Here's the thing. I don't know that... Like, it's the Portland drivers. I know that people like to shit on Portland drivers, but I can tell when it's not a Portland driver

because you guys don't know how to turn on the freeway. You guys start braking on every single turn. Just fucking go with the flow. Just glide. That's what I do. I just glide. Can you glide? No, dude, I followed you while you were driving. You don't glide. What are you talking about. I just glide. Can you glide? I followed you

while you were driving. You don't glide. What are you talking about? I don't be breaking on turns. Here's how I know that you don't know how to drive. It's like sometimes

I drive too slow and I'm like, what are you doing looking at the new apartment complexes getting built? Like, what are you? The Mount Hood

looks especially good today. Is that what's going on? Just foreigner. That's what it is. A Californian just screamed that out. Got him. Yeah. Nailed it. Nailed it.

Let's spin it again. It is landed on daylight saving time Today we are recording this in Portland On a beautiful Friday evening Tomorrow when this episode comes out Overnight we will fall back Today, we are recording this in Portland on a beautiful Friday evening. Tomorrow, when this episode comes out, overnight, we will fall back. I know, that's what I just fucking said. We're here Friday.

The episode comes out tomorrow. Tomorrow night, when this episode comes out, today, I see your point. Never correct me again. We will fall back, except in Arizona and Hawaii, and we will enjoy an extra hour of sleep, and then it will be lighter in the morning and darker in the evening.

Now, how many of you forget the change itself and the way that spring forward sucks, but you get longer nights, longer, you get sunnier nights and falling back is nice, but you get darker early evening. Forget the change part of it. How many of you prefer having sun in the mornings? And how many of you would prefer a later sunset? It's the comedian. It's the comedian. That's what it is. And so now it's interesting, right? That would make sense here because here we are all the way on the west where it's going to get lighter later and darker later wait what what's happening are you okay i fucked it up here's what i want to say i once again argue that what we now need in this country we should not have to just choose between either standard time, which is it being dark all summer at night. It's daylight saving. People like to fall back, but then they

don't like the early sunsets. They do like the sun in the morning because really what we like is summer and we don't like winter. So it gets already confusing because everyone's like, everyone's like, fuck Congress, make it summer all the time. Kind of, if you think about it, a real metaphor for our political problems generally, which is like, why won't Congress fix this? You mean the rotation of the literal earth? There is a solution. And the solution is this. Right now, if you live anywhere in America, you have two choices. The choices are either permanent standard time or daylight saving time. So either you can be on the clock we're about to switch to all year round,

or you can be on daylight saving time during the summer, but you can't choose what a lot of states would prefer, which is daylight saving time all year. Now, this is divisive, and it's divisive because some people wake up early, some people are cool. You know, some people understand the joys and blessings of life that take place between, say, 5 p.m. and 9 p.m.

Other people eat eggs in their house. Like literal fucking freaks. Those are baby chickens, you weirdos. You cook a chicken baby in your house in the morning? Point is... Point is, there should be a third option. And every state should get to choose between permanent standard time, permanent daylight saving time, or the switcheroo.

Some places will like the switcheroo. Places where, depending on where they are, it might be nice for them. But a state like Maine, where in winter the sun's going to set at 3.45 p.m., they should get to choose permanent daylight saving time. A state like Michigan, where during the summer, the sun doesn't set until like 9.15 p.m., they should get to choose permanent daylight saving time. A state like Michigan, where during the summer, the sun doesn't set till like 9, 15 p.m. or something in Detroit, and then they all go to bed too late, but the morning is still when we keep the morning, and so they all have fucking heart palpitations because they're getting no sleep because they're all fucked up from it being too bright late at night. They should get to choose. That's a thing.

They should get to choose permanent standard time. And here in Portland, you probably would want to be on permanent daylight saving. Permanent standard. Keep switching. Interesting. Interesting. I'm lost. It's just too dark. That's what it is. It's just too dark

all the time. It's too dark. But, but call your member of Congress and ask them to make it summer all year round. All right. We have to leave it there. Gone so over. Thank you to our incredible guests. When we come back, we'll end on a high note.

One more time for Imani, Shane, Lydia, and Silhouette. Thank you, guys. And we're back. for Monty, Shane, Lydia, and Silhouette. Thank you, guys. And we're back. Now it's time to end on a high note. Brian's going to be back out there. We only have time for a few because I had some fun up here. I just been,

we've been shooting this shit for like two hours, so we got to get out of here. So we got time for, can we bring the house lights up, please? Thank you very much. Brian is out there. I'll do as many as we can do very quickly, so keep your high notes tight.

What's your name? What's your high note? Hi, I'm Chris, and this week my audit team released a report on domestic violence we've been working on for almost a year, and it's been very well received, and I'm very proud of it. That's great. Who's got a high note? Hi, what is your name? What is your high note? Hi, I'm Katie. This is also Katie. We've always wanted to see you live together and now we are. It is also her birthday. So thank you. Oh yeah. Happy birthday, Katie.

Hi, what's your name? What's your high note? Hi, I'm Amanda, and next week I'm going to go on my honeymoon to Japan. Hi, what is your name, and what is your high note? Hi, my name is Leah Griffin. I'm actually from Seattle. I'm visiting my sister here in Portland, who lives here. And I just last week ended the rape kit backlog in Washington State, so we tested all 10,000 untested rape kits in Washington State. That's great.

Just to confirm, though, you're from Seattle? Yeah. You drive a sensible car. What is it? Subaru. Yep. Oh, no. Look at him go.

What's your name? What's your high note? Hi, my name is Laura Rye I'm an indie author I published my third book this past month I'm not going to say the name of it this is not about self-promo it's about being a single person and doing fucking everything and say the name of your book book freak camp.com if you're into gay romance with um a lot of hardcore content but read the trigger warnings but yeah share that to all the other single people who can't have someone else to like thank for their accomplishments for just doing it all themselves. Hell yeah. And just from what from one thing I'll just say,

someone hands you a microphone, you say the name of your book. Democracy or else. Bailed. Hi, what's your name? What's your name? Hi, I'm Cece. This is Connor. Tomorrow is our sixth wedding anniversary. Hell yeah. And tonight is date night one of two.

That's kid free. Hell yeah. That's awesome. Let's do one more. Hi, what is your name? What's your high note? My name's Sarah. My high note is that a month ago

I tried to kill myself and I'm still alive. Sarah, thank you for being here. Thanks for sticking around. Let's leave it there. Thanks to everybody who shared a high note. If you want to leave us a message about something that gave you hope,

If you want to leave us a message about something that gave you hope, look at all these people, Sarah, that are glad you're here. You can call us at 323-538-2377. That is our show. Thank you so much to Shane Brendan, Lydia Kiesling, Imani Danai, Silhouette, and Tiffany Coyoma-Lane. Support the Portland teachers. There are 364 days. We're within a year of the 2024 elections. Thank you to the Newmark.

Thank you so much, Portland. Have a great night. Thank you to the Newmark. Thank you so much, Portland. Have a great night. We'll see you next time. writers. Evan Sutton is our editor. Kyle Seglin and Charlotte Landis provide audio support. On the road, Vendelin Von Schroeder is our tour manager, and Anastasia Anderson is our tour coordinator. Stephen Colon is our audio engineer, and Milo Kim is our videographer. Our theme song is written and performed by Sure Sure. Thanks to our designers, Jesse McLean and Bernardo Serna, for creating and running all of our visuals, which you can't see because this is a podcast, and to our digital producers, Zuri Ervin, David Tolles, Mia Kelman, and Matt DeGroote, for filming and editing video each week so you can. You can find those glorious videos at Thank you. dropping us a review. Each week on The New Yorker's newest podcast, Critics at Large,

three writers from the magazine pick apart big questions about the culture and how we got here. Co-hosts Vincent Cunningham, Nomi Frye, and Alexandra Schwartz debate and dissect the latest film, books, theater, television, and pop culture. From the cringe comedy of Nathan Fielder to the ubiquity of Taylor Swift, each episode will deepen your knowledge and have you laughing along the way. Tune in every Thursday for the series Jezebel describes as indulgently fun. Critics at Large from The New Yorker is available now wherever you get your podcasts.