Lovett or Leave It - Ey, I’m Convictin’ Here! feat. Ian Karmel

Episode Date: June 1, 2024

Guest host Ian Karmel steps into Lovett’s Cariumas for a very special post-Trump conviction Lovett or Leave It episode. Ian’s wife, writer Dana Schwartz, stops by to fall in love all over again. Head writer Halle Kiefer chats with Ian about being members of the T-Shirt Swim Club. Preacher Lawson roasts the unroastable, and we all gather together to say, like the Pope did this week: mi scusi!Tour dates & cities: crooked.com/events For a closed-captioned version of this episode, click here. For a transcript of this episode, please email [e-mail] and include the name of the podcast.

Hey, it's Lovett. Before we get to the show, a few housekeeping notes. This Pride Month, Crooked has a $100,000 fundraising goal for our Pride or Else Fund. We're aiming high because Lord knows these right-wing freaks are going low, Tommy. Donate directly or pick up an item from our new Pride or Else collection and let Crooked do it for you with a portion of proceeds going directly to the fund. Learn more at crooked.com slash pride. Now let's get into it. Please welcome to the stage, your host for the evening, Ian Carmel!

Welcome to Love It or Leave It, I'm your guest host, Ian Carmel. If you think the Love It or Leave It team had the foresight to book a gay host for the first show of Pride Month, you'd be wrong. I'm straight. I am straight as hell. I am so straight that I brought my wife, Dana Schwartz, with me tonight.

Yeah, I'm the one with the emotional attachment issues. We're progressive that way. My good friend Preacher Lawson is also here to set some puppies aflame, and Hallie Kiefer and I discuss the tragic combination of T-shirts and the pool. Then we'll all put on our Pope hat and say, I'm a sardine, but first let's get into it. What a week!

Obviously, we're going to start into it. What a week! Obviously, we're going to start with the biggest news of the day, the new Deadpool and Wolverine popcorn bucket. Boy is my mouth watering. No, of course I'm talking about the Manhattan jury finding Donald Trump guilty on all 34 counts in his Stormy Daniels hush money trial. We did it, Joe! Guilty on all 34 counts. Do you know what this means?

No, I'm seriously asking. There have never been any consequences of any kind, whatever this stuff happens. Does this actually, does this one actually mean anything? No. Okay, well, the ruling officially makes Donald Trump guilty on all 34 counts. I'm not going to lie.

I'm not going to lie. I'm not going to lie. I'm not going to lie. I'm not going to lie. I'm not going to lie. I'm not going to lie. I'm not going to lie. I'm not going to lie. I'm not going to lie. I'm not going to lie. I'm not going to lie. There have never been any consequences of any kind whenever this stuff happens. Does this actually, does this one actually mean anything? No.

No, okay, well the ruling officially makes Donald Trump the first president to become a convicted felon. Unofficially, he's like the 40th. But can he become the first felon to be elected president? The jury is still out, but probably. All right, hey, let's give it up for Stormy Daniels really quick. Make some noise for Stormy Daniels. Bad sex, incredible outcome.

In the end, t'was beauty that killed the beast. Judge Juan Mirchan has set a sentencing hearing for July 11th, and that's smart. Give him a few weeks to yell himself hoarse first, let him get all the zoomies out, right? But I'm just glad we're getting one last Fourth of July in there before the nation erupts into civil war. Yeah, what, too dark?

Too dark of a joke? Too real, all right, okay, we're moving on. Trump addressed the press after the verdict. This was a disgrace. This was a rigged trial by a conflicted judge who was corrupt. Well, well, well, look who's awake. Do you think he struggled with that one, by the way?

Should I say a corrupt judge who was conflicted or a conflicted judge who was corrupt? What does everyone think? Should we take a poll? Fox News pundits also took the verdict in stride. Here's Janine Pirro. We have gone over a cliff in America. And I agree. But like when you go over a cliff on a roller coaster. I can't stop giggling and I really want a corn dog.

The Biden campaign reacted to the convictions in a statement saying, there is still only one way to keep Donald Trump out of the Oval Office, at the ballot box. Convicted felon or not, Trump will be the Republican nominee for president. The Biden campaign is like your friend who you tell about your big raise and they're like, you know that's pre-tax, right? But the Biden campaign makes a great point. Nothing means anything. It was the perfect end to a perfect week. In case you somehow missed it, on Tuesday,

President Biden and Donald Trump held dueling press conferences outside the hush money trial. That's right, it's the three most exciting words in politics, dueling press conferences. This is like Coachella for people who fall asleep to this podcast. I actually think this is a great idea. We should start doing more stuff outside of the Trump hush money trial. Have the NBA draft there. The Spurs drafted Victor Wemba Nyama,

here with analysis, the necrotic corpse of Steve Bannon. Biden came out swinging at his press conference, dispatching actor Robert De Niro and former Capitol police officers present on January 6th to attack Trump in the press. And yeah, Robert De Niro was the name that Biden tossed out there when he was trying to remember Pete Buttigieg,

but you know what? It worked out. But it just goes to show you, whether it's a movie or a Biden, Robert De Niro is always ready to promote an Irishman. Said De Niro. We New Yorkers used to tolerate him when he was just another grubby real estate hustler

masquerading as a big shot. I love this city. I don't want to destroy it. Donald Trump wants to destroy not only the city, but the country and eventually he could destroy the world. And De Niro has skin in the game here. His kids are the next generation. And also the generation after that. De Niro has skin in the game here. His kids are the next generation.

And also the generation after that. He has so many kids in so many generations. Trump later responded, writing on Truth Social, I never knew how small, both mentally and physically, wacko former actor Robert De Niro was. And just like that, Trump has lost the short king vote. And look, not to give Trump any credit, but actors are shorter than you think.

Barry Keelewin is sleeping peacefully in my pocket right now. Ranted the former president, Robert, whose movies, artistry, and brand have gone way down in value since he entered the political arena at the request of crook Joe Biden, looks so pathetic and sad out there.

Where have you gone, Joe DiMaggio? Oh. The last line is lyrics from Mrs. Robinson, which is from The Graduate, which suggests that Trump is mixing up Robert De Niro and Dustin Hoffman. Hey, idiot! Jews and Italians aren't the same.

We just happen to share almost every physical trait and cultural stereotype and also play each other a lot in movies, and you know what? Actually, it was a reasonable mistake. Meanwhile, closing arguments concluded inside the courthouse. Trump's defense hammered home their main points. Michael Cohen is a liar, and there was nothing wrong with using an NDA to silence Stormy Daniels

during the campaign. Trump has long maintained that he never had sex with Stormy Daniels at all. On Wednesday however, The Daily Beast published an account from an anonymous celebrity athlete who says Trump publicly bragged about sleeping with the adult film star at a 2006 golf tournament. Apparently, it was in response to the question, do you play golf? Speaking outside the court, as the jury began their deliberations Tuesday, Trump told reporters,

Mother Teresa could not beat these charges, but we'll see. In the alternate reality where Mother Teresa had sex with Stormy Daniels and tried to cover it up because she was running for president, can she beat the charges isn't even my tenth question. Supreme Court Justice Samuel Alito sent in letters to Congress this week that he will not recuse himself from the court's January 6 cases

despite having flown stop the steel flags at two of his homes. Is he prejudiced in favor of Trump? I'd say just a little bit. ["The New York Times"] ["The New York Times"] ["The New York Times"] ["The New York Times"] I know this isn't the point of the story, by the way,

but recuse sounds like a word a toddler makes up because they can't remember the word excuse, right? Like, recuse me, do you like Woblox? It's cute. It's a cute show. Wrote Alito, the two incidents you cite do not meet the conditions for recusal. As I have stated publicly,

I had nothing whatsoever to do with the flying of that flag. I was not even aware of the upside-down flag until it was called to my attention. Alito once again claimed that his wife was solely responsible and wrote, my wife is a private citizen and she possesses the same first amendment rights as every other American. She makes her own decisions and I have always respected her right to do so. Now as far as some of my wife's other rights are concerned... No he didn't actually say that last one. I think it does say something that some of the people in the

audience were like oh my god he said it out loud. But added a little my wife is fond of flying flags I am NOT. How do these crazy kids make it work right? It's a classic story really constitutional constitutional originalist boyfriend, flag enthusiast girlfriend. Over in Tennessee, Republican candidate for state Senate, Charlie Cooper was dinged after potential voters noticed him posting AI headshots of himself in which he looked appreciably hotter. Take a look. Eagle-eyed observers first suspected something was amiss when it came to light that Cooper is not, in fact,

a Los Angeles area real estate agent. Can someone please send me some good things the AI is doing? Because so far, it just seems like it's ruining art and making politicians look like the fifth lead on a CBS procedural. Speaking of stuff getting ruined, Florida declared its bridges will only display red, white, and blue lights as part of the state's Freedom Summer, preventing the use of rainbow lights for Pride Month.

Happy Freedom Summer! Purple is now illegal. The burden of representation now lays only heavier on the world's preeminent gay bridge, Mario Kart's Rainbow Road. That's my Stonewall. I threw the first red shell. Breaking news, a red, white, and blue Florida bridge has been spotted flying upside down on the Alitos flagpole.

Meanwhile, over in Italy, Pope Francis publicly apologized for using a gay slur in a closed door meeting this week. The Catholic Church has quickly responded by condemning the Pope's actions and promising he will be transferred to another Vatican. Pope Francis said, quote, my language was hurtful. What I should have said was, which one of you proud LGBT men wants to suck the pope's dick? What asked what he thought of gay men entering the priesthood,

the pope reportedly said there was already too much fructegene in the seminaries for his liking. I want the audience in here and at home to know that I did not enjoy repeating that term at all, but hey, when in Rome. ["The Daily Show Theme"] Scientists have found evidence that Canada's invasive wild hogs,

often referred to as super pigs, are poised to expand their population into the United States. I have just one question about this. Hogs. I don't want to see that shit. The only wild Canadian hogs I want to see are the following in order. Ryan Gosling, Keanu Reeves, Joshua Jackson, and purely out of curiosity, Jay Berischel.

In entertainment news, Furiosa, a Mad Max saga, came to a screeching halt last weekend, making only $31 million in theaters on a budget of over $168 million. Damn. More like Anya Taylor sad. More like a sad Max saga. Better.

Wow, I knew there were a lot of films in the Mad Max saga, but I didn't realize we were already up to Chapter 11. As of Sunday, Furiosa was neck and neck with the Garfield movie, with Sony and Warner Brothers each claiming their film took the number one spot. It's interesting because these two movies could not be more different. One is a harrowing, blood-soaked vision of societal collapse, and the other is part of the Mad Max franchise. In the end, Furiosa just barely eeked past Garfield,

which earned around $25 million. Sorry, Garfield. Sounds like Mondays don't like you either. On an episode of the Honestly with Barry Weiss podcast, Jerry Seinfeld called for the return of traditional masculinity, shouting out guys like JFK, Muhammad Ali, and Sean Connery and saying this.

I miss a dominant masculinity. Yeah, I get the toxic, but still, I like a real man. Seems weird to miss the kind of guy who would have dunked your head in the high school toilet, but to each their own. Also, why is this on a podcast? Put it on your hinge profile and keep moving. Seinfeld said he was nostalgic for a time when there was a clearer sense of social hierarchy. Ah yes, the good old days.

When it was real men at the top, all the other men second from the top, then rich white women, then purebred dogs, then Italians, and everyone else in a big pile of the bottom. Seinfeld also raved about Hugh Grant, who stars in Seinfeld's new pop-tart movie, Unfrosted, as an example of a real man. He knows how to dress, he knows how to talk,

he's charming, he has stories, he's comfortable at dinner parties, knows how to get a drink, you know what I mean? That stuff. Oh, I get it now. Seinfeld likes real men, like the effete British Dandy from the pastry movie. Director Rian Johnson dropped a teaser this week on X

for the next installment of the Knives Out franchise, titled Wake Up Dead Man, a Knives Out Mystery. Knives Out, a franchise I like to call, what if Foghorn Leghorn was low-key sexy? Don't worry. We weren't just teasing you up top. Ryan Reynolds really did debut a Deadpool and Wolverine popcorn bucket to rival that of Dune's Sandworm popcorn bucket,

shaped like Wolverine's open mouth. Here it is now. ["POPCORN BUCKET"] I'm old enough to remember when you put your penis in the bottom of the popcorn bucket. And just in time for summer, a new study came out revealing that rivers and streams in Alaska have been turning rust-colored over the last several years due to thawing permafrost, releasing toxic chemicals into the waterways. Take a look.

This is bad news for those of us who had a ton of money riding on the rivers are turning orange for some sort of non-apocalyptic reason. Personally, I had my money riding on cross promotion for the Garfield movie. A deep seasea explorer and billionaire real estate investor have teamed up to develop a new submersible that can visit the Titanic wreck site to prove that it's actually super safe. Okay

when I point to the audience we're all gonna say uncontrollable boner together okay? All right here we go. You know what they say, those who don't learn from history are doomed to have an uncontrollable boner for the Titanic for some reason. You guys didn't have any problem with it, was it? Once they can come up with a design that's safe, the team plans to move on to other challenges, like designing one that isn't a costly, tedious ordeal

that's like desecrating a mass grave from inside a drainage pipe filled with other people's farts. And finally, a Michigan woman has named her baby Lily after the seafood restaurant where she wound up giving birth. Lily was then introduced to her older sister, bathtub at her Addison. And now a little segment we're calling America's Least Wanted. This week we're headed to Pennsylvania, a place whose chief exports are the Declaration of Independence and football fans who huck batteries at people. The Commonwealth of Pennsylvania, don't you dare call it a state you no good sons of bitches,

is back in the headlines because Joe Biden needs those sweet, sweet electors come November. But Democrats also need three term incumbent, Bob Casey to hang onto his seat as well. And his Republican challenger, Dave McCormick, who like all of our greatest champions of the common man is a former hedge fund CEO. McCormick famously spent $14 million of his own money

to lose a 2022 Senate primary to Dr. Oz. That's right, Pennsylvania's GOP voters found Dave McCormick less appealing than the TV doctor who killed hundreds of dogs and fully lived in New Jersey. For $14 million, he could have bought a yacht, invited Dr. Oz on it, and then pushed him overboard in international waters. And here I am giving away ideas for free.

Voters did change their tune about McCormick this year when he ran against a slightly less formidable primary opponent. Nobody. But McCormick might run into the same pesky problem that befell Dr. Oz, not living in Pennsylvania. He does own a living in Pennsylvania. He does own a home in Pittsburgh,

but reviews of public records indicate that he still almost exclusively lives on Connecticut's Gold Coast, which is one of the densest concentrations of wealth in the country. His house in Westport, Connecticut features a 1,500 bottle wine cellar, and I bet this cask of a Montelato-ass bitch

lures his enemies down there. But not to kill them, just to talk about the importance of the carried interest tax loophole. Also, sorry, why does McCormick even want this job? You have a net worth of over $100 million, and you want to hang out with Ted Cruz all day? You want to have to stare into Mitch McConnell's jowls and have them stare back into you?

If I had Dave McCormick's money, you would never hear from me ever again. And we know this race may not strike you as particularly sexy. We know Bob Casey versus Dave McCormick sounds like the finalist for the Iowa State Fairs Backgammon tournament. But holding onto the Senate, especially in the event of a Donald Trump presidency,

couldn't be more important. If Bob Casey loses, he'll be replaced by a guy who opposes abortion and gun control and looks like he wants to imprison the X-Men. So if you wanna stop this rich son of a bitch and conservatives just like him, then head over to votesaveamerica.com slash 2024 to find out what the hell to do about it. This has been America's Least Wanted.

Coming up, writer and my wife in that order, Dana Schwartz. Hey, don't go anywhere. There's more of Love It or Leave It coming up. Before we get to the next segment, I've been asked to read this ad that was clearly supposed to be read by John Lovett, but I'll do my best, I guess. What's up, gays and thays? This episode of Love It or Leave It is brought to you by Furiosa, a Mad Max saga. You might have heard that this movie ate box office shit on Memorial Day weekend. Here's what you may not know. That was all according to plan

because we meant this as a Pride movie all along. Oh boy, okay. Yes Queen! We forgot to put this in any of the trailers or the final cut of the movie, but Furiosa is actually gay as hell, Henny. Oh, and her despicable kidnapper Dementis? He never mentions it, but he hooked up with guys in college. So get your LGBTQ plus ass to the movie theater

this Pride weekend because the only person thirstier than the citizens of Mad Max's post-apocalyptic society will be you after watching this hot, queer, non-binary sleigh. Furi-osa, a Mad Max saga. It's hard to tell just from looking at them, but all the crazy trucks are Subaru's. Please welcome to the stage, a very smart lady, Dana Schwartz.

More clapping, it's my wife. More clapping for my, yeah, yeah. I am his wife. Also New York Times two-time number one best-selling author, host of the Noble Blood podcast, television writer, yeah. Way too good for me, smart in everything, except picking a lifelong mate, fingers crossed. Dana, we're married and live in the same house. How's that going, do you think?

I think pretty good. I mean, both of us aren't super neat, which is good. Like, we're sort of the equal levels of messiness. It's nice of you to include yourself in that. I'm more type A, but I don't think I'm obsessively neat, which I do think would be a... Like, I like that you don't make a big deal when I leave things around and vice versa.

You leave the counters very dirty, and I will leave clothes and boxes in every part of the house. Yeah, so it balances out. It's very nice of you to say it balances out. So if you had to grade me on someone to live with. Like an A-. Oh, thank you very much, all right.

I'd give you a C+. You told the love and early leave producers, you told the love it or leave it producers You told the love it or leave it producers. You believe tik-tok is ruining restaurant culture Oh, yeah, and maybe even food entirely. Yeah, what the hell are you talking about? I don't think tik-tok is good for anyone's brain. Sure. Like if they ban tik-tok like I'll be happy Yeah, yeah, and I will you often find yourself in league with Republican congress people. Yeah, we have a Latin common. We most agree with things.

I think that if you've ever gone on TikTok, you see people posting like, I just found this restaurant. And they just try to find things that are the most outrageous, like a burger that's six burgers tall and covered in cheese. And it's not even good.

The whole point of it is just to be more than whatever came before. So we're in this like arms race of like new shapes for croissants that actually we don't need. They do have like cube croissants now. No, and you know what it is now? I don't know if anyone's seen this. It's like flat croissants that you fry in caramel. And I'm like the whole point of croissants

is that they're like, no, don't. Why flatten a croissant? I don't know. So it gets juicier? I don't know. Do you never just, sometimes I'll flatten a croissant and eat it, like those Costco croissants that were just like dripping with whatever it was Costco

was putting in those croissants. Well, that's what these TikToks are doing. Or taking the Costco croissants, they're rolling them out, they're frying them in butter and sugar, and now you're gonna do that. You know where, I am gonna do it. And I'm gonna leave the mess out for a week, too. You know where this mess got started?

Where? I feel like in Bloody Mary's. Oh, I was gonna say Salt Bae. No, I think this predates Salt Bae. Even predates Salt Bae, although he is definitely a perpetrator of this. You, like, Bloody Mary used to just, when I was a kid drinking Bloody Mary's,

it used to, you know, sometimes there'd be a piece of celery in it, right? And then this Bloody Mary arms race started. You put the full hamburger. Now, yeah, first they started adding, like, there's a pepperoni stick, and like, oh, that's cute, that's fun, I'm already devastating my sodium for the day, so why not add that? And then all of a sudden, they started, like, olives, too, and then, yeah, and then it stick and like, oh, that's cute. That's fun. I'm already devastating my sodium for the day. So why not add that?

And then all of a sudden it started like olives too. And then, yeah, and then it was like a cheeseburger and then like an entire Chicago deep dish pizza. So I've actually never had a Bloody Mary because I don't like, I don't really like alcohol. And if I'm going to have it, I want it to be like delicious and like sweet. And I'm like, I don't like, it's like a savory tomato.

Do you not like it? It's like tomato soup. You could have a grilled cheese sandwich in a Bloody Mary. Well, that sounds good. I would rather just dip a grilled cheese in tomato soup. But that won't get you drunk. But you know what I like? You know what I like more than this Bloody Mary arms race

is the milkshake with like the slice of cake on it. I have ordered one of those and I have had one of those. You ate the entire thing? No, I shared it, but I have ordered one of them. I've partaken in the culture. Like I took a picture and posted it. Of the giant, the milkshake wearing a Kentucky Derby lady hat.

It's going to the royal wedding. So you think, okay, so it's good tech? Good tech, C plus? In happier news for our household, Claire Safitz is going back to her Gourmet Makes roots on YouTube. Oh, I know. What, well yeah, you sent this in.

Not to break the illusion of show business, but you did, these were the questions you asked me to ask you. Yeah. There are things I'm really excited about. Team me up for Claire Savitz, all right. What does Claire Savitz mean to you, and do I have to fight her?

I don't know if anyone followed the whole Bon Appetit saga, but the loss of the Bon Appetit Test Kitchen, which really did sort of keep me afloat during the pandemic was personally devastating to me. And so the fact that Claire Savitz is back recreating gourmet treats, it's like the only like a sequel that I want. So what is this? So when you say recreating gourmet treats, what do like the only like a sequel that I want. So what is it?

So when you say recreating gourmet treats, what do you mean? What is she doing? So she's a pastry chef or just like a professional chef. And she's also not like super cheer. She's not like a Food Network chef. She's like kind of mean in a really good way. Oh, she doesn't come with like cute little nicknames

for everything in the kitchen. No, she's not cute. She's like, we're gonna cut up some broccaccini boom boom, you know, like that. None of that. And she like gets visibly frustrated when things go wrong. Oh, perfect. In a good way.

And she takes grocery store ho-hos or whatever and tries to make them at home in the most accurate recreation possible, the gourmet versions of it. Oh, hell yeah. Yeah. Why hasn't that happened at our house? I'm not asking. That feels very impressive.

She loves baking. I didn't say like. You know what I've made for you on multiple occasions? Those grocery store cookies. Yo! Okay. I request, they are like a real challenge to make. I have to like pull out like a spice grinder

to get like powdered strawberries. You have to buy like xanthan gum from the internet. Yeah, it's like really specific and I've made those for you multiple times. Please reassure the audience that I didn't just yell at you to bake me something and that you actually enjoy baking. I do, if you can tell by my obsession with Claire Savage,

I bake a lot. I feel like I was putting some real Ralph Cramden vibes out there for a second. Dana. Yeah. You've written two books that I am both contractually obligated and overjoyed to shout out. These books are called. and overjoyed to shout out, and these books are called,

no. Anatomy a Love Story and Immortality a Love Story. As someone who has written romance, by the way they're out on paperback now. Out on paperback, get them wherever paperbacks are sold. Just three weeks in a row on the indie bestseller list? They're our indie bestsellers. Back on the list after two years.

As someone who has written romance, tell me, what makes for a good love story? Oh, tension. A little bit of tension at the beginning and waiting just long, in a book. This is not in real life. In a book, tension and then waiting just long enough that the reader really wants it to happen

and then letting the characters come together. How long is too long to wait? I think it happens at like the 60% mark. 60% mark? Yeah, that feels right. Yeah, 60%? I feel like 60% feels right. Yeah, like 90% of the way people are like, what the hell?

What even, you have to, the formula is sort of 60% and then another obstacle and then they come back together. People are green, people have read romance books, they know. It would be very funny to write a romance book and then set up like they're about to hook up and then just end the book right before it happens. Has somebody done like a romance blue balls novel yet? I mean, they would make them by the sequel.

They make them by the sequel. As a quick follow up, do you think we have a love affair for the ages? Yeah, of course, even though we did pretty much immediately start dating. And then pretty immediately I moved in and we got married. You came on my podcast. We talked about Shrek.

You roasted me for liking it. And then, bing, bang, boom, we were married. I want to defend myself because this Shrek thing has gone very far. No, no, no, we'll move on. Great. You can host this show next time and I'll sit there. And then you can talk about Shrek.

Great, me too. Which is why we're going to play a game we're calling, I want everyone to shout it out with me, it's called Love is Blind, which is why we're going to play a game that we're calling, Love is Blind. Oh, that's fun, look at this little logo.

Oh, you got a little logo there. You look so beautiful in that picture. Thank you, baby. I'm going to tell you about a beautiful love story, and then I'm going to ask you to rank it against our relationship. OK. Which again, started with Shrek.

In terms of passion, is this a more passionate love affair than ours or not? Does this game make sense? Yeah. Does it make sense to you? Yeah. All right. Well, love doesn't make sense, baby, so let's play.

Is this love affair more passionate than ours? Millie Bobby Brown and Jake Bon Jovi. Oh, no. I feel like the answer has to be no because I know they're adults, but they're just children in my head. Boy, that dude looks a lot like Bon Jovi. It looks like he felt like the mother wasn't involved at all. Like he fell off of Bon Jovi at some point.

He reproduced via budding? In like 20, in 2001 he fell off of Bon Jovi while he was on a jog in really tight shorts. And then it started following him. Yeah, I'm gonna say less passionate because unfortunately I still think of her. I know that this is on me and it's not right because she's an adult woman,

but I still think of her as a child. Well she's 20. You know, that's pretty young. 20's pretty young. That's like, people got married at that age in the 40s, but like anymore, that seems insane. Give it a minute, Millie Bobby Brown. Is our relationship better than Ron DeSantis

and Donald Trump? More passionate, is our relationship more passionate? They're back together. Honestly, I think no, because they have sort of like this kinky thing happening. There's like a humiliation fetish happening. It's the breaking up, getting back together. Like there's a, we're a pretty simple,

straightforward love story, again, like met, got together, got married, moved in, you know, live in a house. This is like some like psycho drama happening. No, this is more passionate. Also, we've never been to Fort Lauderdale together. And those two are always in Fort Lauderdale. What's happening down there?

In Fort Lauderdale? Yeah. Oh, she can't afford it. Can you? Oh, yeah. We... Oh, yeah. We have the same bank account.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. No, we don't. Just a reminder, Trump has called Ron DeSantis DeSanctimonious, Tiny D, Shut Down Ron, and although he publicly denied it, reportedly, Meatball Ron. That's the cutest. You have almost no nicknames for me. No. He has like four nicknames for him.

I'll start calling you Meatball Ron. Say no more. Is our love affair more passionate than Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez? I'm gonna say yes, just because Ben Affleck's face always looks so deeply unhappy. There's no, it doesn't look like there's passion and it doesn't look like there's life in there. It looks like a Dunkin' Donuts iced coffee is the only thing keeping him going in the morning. Yeah, well, who among us? Their marriage is reportedly on the rocks.

Yeah, that's what I've heard. Entertainment Weekly is reporting on Wednesday that Ben feels like Jen has a hard time feeling satisfied and that's one of the issues they're facing. I find it hard to believe that Jennifer Lopez is a difficult woman to please. I think she's an easy-going, she just, everything about her seems easy-going.

If we've learned anything this year, it's to not talk trash about Jennifer Lopez on podcasts. Oh no, it's okay, I'm not a performer, I'll never be on SNOW. Weird to call Jennifer Lopez Jen. Jen, did I say Jen? No, they do. Weird to call Jennifer Lopez Jen. Jen? Did I say Jen? No, they do.

Oh, yeah. Things to consider, the only thing dreamier than getting swept away on a wave of nostalgia is a man who will carry fresh Dunkin' to your door every morning. Oh, that is sweet. That is sweet. That is sweet.

There it is. I don't think she's drinking that. I don't think Jennifer, Jen Lopez, as I call her, I don't think Jen drinks or eats Dunkin' Donuts. You don't think she's having a 1600 calorie iced coffee in the morning? No, I think if you have that body at 50, she's on like a medical,

there's like pipettes making her breakfast in the morning. And like good for her, she looks amazing. We saw her in Hustlers Pole Dance, like God be with her in everything she's doing. That's just for him. She's phenomenal. She's a phenom. Do you think our relationship is more,

so we're more, we're better off than Ben and Jen? Yeah. Oh, fantastic. What about, are we better off than Ben and Dunkin' Donuts? Are we more passionate? No. That's the most passionate relationship on earth. And it's also longer.

We've been together, like coming up on four years. Yeah. That is a long-term relationship. I feel like he had that before he had his mother's milk. Yeah. Are we more or less passionate than Shrek and Fiona from the Shrek franchise? Um, probably less, but I don't want to get involved in whatever they're doing.

Oscar-winning motion picture. Anyone should re-watch it as an adult. And just like, it was fine. It was good for the time. It just doesn't hold up is all I'm saying Classically spawned for sequels. Yeah, go watch those sequels wonderful and now the puss in boots movies as well I've actually heard that I haven't seen it, but I've heard that the last person boots movie was really good. Okay Yeah, I had people say it was nominated for an Oscar

It didn't win an Oscar, you know, I did Shrek, you know, but that was nominated. It didn't win an Oscar. You know what did? Shrek. Yeah, but that was before people actually took animation Oscars seriously. No, it wasn't before. It was the first time they did it. Yeah, so it's like they didn't know what to do. They just like threw whatever.

They're like, oh, a movie came out this year. It's nominated. All right, girl, I'm sorry. It's not Ponyo or whatever. Ponyo's really good. I know Ponyo's good, but so Shrek. Sorry, sorry you guys have to watch us fight like this. Is our relationship more or less passionate than Shrek and Fiona?

I think less, because you've never rescued me in a position of peril. You've never been in peril. That's true. Maybe then we could test that, but until then. I picked you up from LAX, so actually, I think you're wrong about that. You're right, I understand, that's true. I picked you up from LAX, so actually I think you're wrong about that.

You're right, I understand, that's true. It's just as bad as the dragon. Honestly, yeah, if that dragon was in Burbank, I'd take the dragon. Is our relationship more or less passionate than Missouri and married women? Oh, this one just makes me sad. You said that you wanted to talk about this.

Not in this, this is a very jokey context. Well you can get serious for a second. I will get serious and say everyone, please go vote to protect women and their basic human dignity. Because. Woo! The reason we have this in here is because in Missouri

it is currently illegal for a pregnant woman to obtain a divorce before they give birth, which is insane. Yeah, it's insane. They just won to obtain a divorce before they give birth, which is insane. It's insane. They just won't grant a divorce until they give birth. And it's like, oh, because if you're pregnant, you're not actually a person anymore. You're now this like vessel that we're funneling

into your Christian heteronormative marriage. I just hate it. It really makes me sad. It makes me genuinely, like I don't have like a jokey thing, but it makes me like genuinely nervous for the state of our country. The way that our cultural views on women are still here. Like this is still in law.

And it's like people pretend because these little liberal enclaves are happening. But no, like throughout the country, this is still how people view women. And it's really sad and really scary. Very sad and very scary. And now for a massive change of pace. Is our relationship more or less passionate

than me and the video game I'm currently playing, Baldur's Gate 3? You've been playing a lot of Baldur's Gate 3. I just got it. How late did you go to bed last night? I go to bed really early. I went to bed at 12.30. Well, that's late for me.

Yeah, that's late for you. That seems like it's reasonable. This is what I'm curious about. As soon as you got it, I was like, this is the video game you can have sex in. And you're like, no, it's not. And then you were making your character. And you could choose the penis of your character.

And I was like, I think this is the sex game. I turned out to be wrong. It is the game you can have sex in. Has your character had sex yet? My character has not had sex yet. Are you being honest? I'm being 100% honest. Well, then us? My character has not had sex yet. Are you being honest? I'm being 100% honest.

Well then, us. My character was turned down last night. Aw, I'm so sorry. I defeated this big fort full of goblins and I was like, all right, now's the time, right? And then, nope, friend-zoned. Friend-zoned by a half-elf. So then the answer is us.

Mayhem and Carmel story. The answer is us. Yeah, it definitely is. But not for long, maybe. Maybe defeat more elves or goblins or whatever. We'll see what happens. You can't, there's like three penis options, three vulva options. Amazing.

Technology's great, isn't it? We've hit the mark where we need to wrap it up. Okay, I have a few more of these. Let me get us a good one to go out on. Are we more or less passionate than RFK Jr. and Confederate statues? The presidential hopeful said on right wing nut job Tim Poole's podcast this week, I have a visceral reaction against the attacks on those statues. They were heroes in the Confederacy

who didn't have slaves, and you know, I just have a visceral reaction against destroying history. I don't like it. Oh, they didn't have slaves? Some of them. Yeah. Couple of them. Maybe.

I think we're more passionate, but less passionate, than RFK and the worm that I still believe is in his brain. Yeah. Yeah, I think we are. More passionate than him in statues, less than him in the brain worm. And finally, are we more or less passionate than Ian and Dana? For a question that's your question we are me and Dana

Yeah, that's great. That's us at prom yeah Things to consider I love you, and thank you for playing this game. Thank you, baby. This is great Thank you Dana check out anatomy immort, and all her other books. Up next, Hallie Kiefer goes off the deep end in a soaking wet T-shirt and not in a sexy way. Whoo! And now, oh, no. Another word from Furiosa, a Mad Max saga. Hola, fellow homosexuals.

I'm so sorry. Just checking in that you're definitely planning to see Furiosa, a Mad Max saga during the first weekend of Pride. Remember how much you twinks loved challenges? This movie is basically challenges. If you read between the lines you'll find there's a very sexy love triangle between Furiosa and two other characters.

No spoilers! It's whichever two characters you're thinking of when you see it. Which again you should really do during this beautiful Pride weekend. Look, think of it this way. Challenger's has Zendaya, Mad Max has Anya Taylor-Joy. Two gay icons, right? A gay icon is any beautiful actress, right? Listen, these movies are interchangeable and that's on period-t. You fucking sluts. What's? What's? What's? What's?

What's? Furiosa, a Mad Max saga. Please, if Garfield sells more tickets again, they're gonna put Anya Taylor Joy down like a dog. Oh my God, that was an ad? That's horrible. Oh God help me. Here to discuss my new book, T-Shirt Swim Club,

it's Love It or Leave It head writer, Hallie Kiefer. Make some noise everybody. Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo!

Thank you for having me. And thank you for writing this book. Of course, my pleasure. Do you wanna explain what it is first before we get into it? I realize I should let you, in your own voice. It's a bunch of pages with words written on them sort of bound together into a, no.

Delicious, yes. It's, so I was a fat kid. I was a fat teenager, fat adult. At my fattest, I got up to around 420 pounds. And right around the pandemic, I lost a bunch of weight. I got to kind of healthier weight. And standing on the other side of that, I was looking back at that experience.

And I used to talk to my little sister all the time, who's also a fat kid, a fat adult. We're both still fat. And we were talking about that experience. And my little sister has a doctorate in clinical psychology. I'm a standup comedian. And we were talking about that experience, and my little sister has a doctorate in clinical psychology. I'm a stand-up comedian, and we were talking about it. We were like, you know what? Put those minds together.

Put those minds together, and I was like, I think we could write our story and make it very interesting, and also potentially through just being very specific and very personal, and then having her apply her expertise to it, possibly help some other people who feel the same way we do. And it's not a weight loss book or anything like that.

It's more a book about being fat, honestly. Yeah, the reason I wanted to talk about the book is I too was a T-shirt in the pool kid. And I did want to ask, who came up with that? And how did we all think of that? Because it doesn't work. Everyone can still see your fat. You know what I mean?

Do you think the first kid who wore the t-shirt in the pool, do you think that they knew they were starting a trend? I don't think so. I think it was just an any port in the storm kind of thing. Oh, just raw desperation. It's like, I gotta be wearing something in the pool. I can't be out here like this. It's insane.

It's an insane thing we do to ourselves. If anything, it accentuates the curves. Oh, you can see every inch. It draws the eye. What can't be out here like this. It's insane. It's an insane thing we do to ourselves. If anything, it accentuates the curves. You know, see every inch draws the eye. What are we doing? It also becomes a thing where it's like, yeah, well, now a lot of people wear t shirts in the pool because of skin cancer. Shout out. Thank you. Thank you. Skin cancer. Are they here tonight? They're here tonight. They're here tonight. I sorry, my agents are I'm with CIA and skin cancer. Listen, again, any port in the storm.

You know? Yeah. But I think, like, now more kids wear a t-shirt in pool, but it's still almost the signifier. It's like saying, I am fat, I wear a t-shirt in the pool. And I think there is a little bit of a beauty in finding other people who wore t-shirts in the pool so we can relate to one another,

but as far as logic goes, it is one of the sillier things. Yeah, we were up to a bunch of stuff. I will say, I was like, oh, I'm really excited. I've also been on a quote, quote, this is what I was like, what do you have to say, weight loss journey? But what's interesting about it is, it is a journey of the self,

because when you start to lose weight, a lot of stuff happens. For me, a lot of my weight stuff that I am currently ondreaming about is related to ADHD, which I also didn't know I have. So reading this book really brought to mind sort of the same stigma around weight that I felt. I look back now and having ADHD where it's like, okay, something's wrong, but I don't

know what it is. And whenever I interact with other people, I immediately stigmatize, which also I think is how I think of like queerness as well. Not to again immediately tell you my life, but I didn't, please Google comphet, compulsory heterosexuality. I didn't know I was queer until I was 38. I came out really late.

And then looking back, and we're both millennials, looking back at that time period, it was like, oh I knew that I didn't want to be a lesbian before I even know what that word meant. And how similar that is to being fat as a kid, especially in the 90s. You find out at the same time. Yes.

It's like those snack packs where the crackers and the cheese come with it. It's like you're fat and also it's bad. Like you know they're. Yes, exactly, yeah. They're packaged together. Like I remember the first time, like I really understood the concept

of what being fat meant was like when someone made fun of me for being fat on the playground at recess. And through the context, I was like, oh, so that's bad, and I'm that, okay. But like we didn't really understood that bullying was like a thing that, I mean, it was like psychological torture.

Yeah, it's um. And also the result in my, like, of kids are terrified, right? Yeah. They're terrified animals, and if they can, they seek hierarchy, and if they can find anything about you that they can latch onto and attack. And when you're fat, you're wearing it right out there.

You know what I mean? They can't hide, they don't find that out. It's just right there. So you immediately start getting sort of piled on as a kid and it can really affect you. And I feel like, I think it's a good point, like the idea of building a hierarchy, because then it does continue into adulthood,

where you do meet people who genuinely think that being fat is like morally wrong. A lot of people on the internet, but even sometimes in real life, people say stuff, you're like, well you know that that's not real, right? But there is something that exists in all of us that is fat phobia, and like,

that controls all of our actions. I think for me, you know, intersex was like being a woman for sure. But how much of that we learned young. And then I think with the introduction of the internet, we sort of had more body diversity and body positivity. But then how that immediately is co-opted by capitalism. So it's like, well, you can be fat, but you gotta be hot. And baby, you gotta be selling something. It's like, well, you can be fat, but you gotta be hot, and baby, you gotta be selling something.

It's like, well, that's not gonna help kids. That's gonna make them crazy in a different way that now younger people have to deal with. I also, I was talking to my sister about this very thing, and we noted that they will put fat people in commercials, and they will even put fat people in commercials for Gatorade or for Lululemon, weirdly,

that kind of thing, but they'll only let us do sports where you don't jiggle. Right, they can't see our big old body. You have to, they're like, every time you see a fat person in a commercial, you'll notice this, they're doing very slow yoga. It's like very intentional, or they're doing Tai Chi. They would never show us on top of an exercise bike, no matter how often we get up on top of an exercise bike.

That's a really good point. It's sort of similar to, do you remember at the Oscars, John Cena came out like basically nude? Yeah. And he was totally hairless. And I think there's like fatness is connected like some animal part of ourself in the way that like body hair is. Yeah. So it's like, we can depict you, but you better not be moving. Like you better not be ooh. You better not make me think about your fat ass body. And what's crazy about this conversation is we're not even as fat as either of us have ever been. So it's like, people say this like, we're not that fat.

And I still think of myself. And that's also a question I want to ask about the book is like, you were fat as a kid, and then now you're less fat. But then I was fat as a kid, then less fat, and then fat again as an adult, and then less fat now due to like medical intervention. And I still think of myself as fat. To the point I was speaking to someone

and I referenced a fat person, they go, and I'm like, oh no, I was, me. I was like, oh no, I'm not just insulting this person. But once you use the word, I still think of it as like, well yeah, fat. Yeah, I mean, I think especially if you were fat younger. But honestly, really, any time, if you sort of cross that threshold

and start to realize what it is like to live life like that in a world that is designed primarily for people of regular size, even all this language, right? Like regular, skinnier people, right? People who aren't fat. That never leaves you. You know, from the set, like, and there are so many experiences

that are shaped by it or affected by it, whether you're just walking down the aisle of an airplane, you know, and you see all these eyes looking back at you, like begging you not to sit next to them, just like hoping, and then you sit down, and it's like a heavy sigh, and you're like, listen, lean in, you know, I'm soft, get in here. I'm not shy, like please.

But there's that experience, but the way people are kind of rude to you or assume you're dumb or lazy or any of these things, or that it's a moral failing or it's a lack of effort on your part or a lack of knowledge. Like you're some idiot who goes to Arby's for like five meals a day, right?

And you're like, it's like no, nobody knows how to lose weight more than a fat person. Right, yeah, because it's sort of like given to you as like your lifelong mission. Yeah. And if you're not doing it, which for a while, I actually wasn't, like I kind of was like, actively like, I just can't do this.

But then, yeah, like it's like by interacting with you, it brings up everyone else's, like all the stuff. They learned about being fat, and I did wanna bring about, you do talk about fat bastard a lot and I was like, boy, that really wasn't good. At the time, in a time where you had no fat people on movies and TV at all, it was like, what if a fat person was the most disgusting person

in the world? What about then? In the 90s, as I, like I had John Goodman in Santa Claus and I'm Jewish, so I had John Goodman. Right, like it's, that's kinda, and I guess the notorious B.I.G., and those were like the good fat people, like in the 1990. The fucking thing about Fat Bastard is he was also funny.

It was. That's true, he's funny as hell. It was funny, because it's Michael Myers at his creative peak, channeling all this energy into this character. And he's funny. And what's devastating about Michael Myers is about the fat bastard character. Even in the movie, he would say, I'm sad because I eat,

and I eat because I'm sad, right? Which touches on something that, as a kid in a movie, that you've never seen that expressed before. Yeah, you're like, oh, I wish it wasn't Fat Bastard saying that. Yeah, exactly. And then he says it, three seconds later, he farts for 15 seconds. Absolutely.

And you're like, fuck, that's funny. That's crazy. What was that thing I was feeling right before he farted? Well, I think, interestingly, Dave Schilling, a really talented writer, he made a point having watched all the Oscar Powers movies with him, he was like, oh, you could tell from Fat Bastard that this is like real life Mike Myers' body,

like his own weight stuff. It feels very genuine because of that, and like a lot of the comedy that he did was about being fat or like maybe being fat as a kid. And do you think being fat is why you, and then also go, we work in the entertainment industry? Yeah. Yeah, right?

Yeah, I think there are, I think fat is one of the holes, and there's other ones that get created in people that we will spend the rest of our lives trying to throw affirmation into. You know, not to like break down, I mean, comedy's comedy, it's funny. A lot of people get funny for a lot of different reasons.

And they're all bad. I feel like everything, they're like, oh yeah, no, I get it. But I get where this is coming from. You usually don't develop self-defense mechanisms unless something's attacking. Oh, exactly. But we, yeah, I think, I kind of think it is.

I think you keep seeking out like affirmation and then you get so good at seeking out affirmation that you're able to turn it into a career in some way, and then your brain gets wired in such a way. And then you end up participating in a system, the one that devalued you in the first place. Speaking of, I wanted to talk to you about a quote, because Nicola Coughlin, I don't know,

I've never said her name out loud until now, I realize, from Bridgerton, she's fat, and there's like all this conversation about like, oh, she's not a tractor or whatever, and she talks about, I guess there's a sex scene that she shot, and she's like, I really wanted to be fat and naked, and it meant a lot to me. She said, it's like, it felt like the biggest fuck you

to all the conversations surrounding my body. It was amazing empowerment, I feel beautiful in the moment. I thought when I'm 80, I'm gonna look back at this. I remember how fucking hot I looked. How much of your personal negative feelings about being fat stem from feeling unfuckable? Because I think for me it was like 95%. Like it was just, it was, well once you like reach puberty,

like as a kid you don't know anything, but like after that it was like, oh no, no one will ever have sex with me. Ergo, no one will love me. If you're fat. And that was it. You're just like, okay, I no one will ever have sex with me. Ergo, no one will love me. If you're fat. And that was it. You're just like, okay, I guess we all agreed on that. It's a massive part of it.

Like the pursuit of sex and just any kind of like romantic relationship in like, completely unavailable to me for like, from just like getting a smooch in grade school and then middle school, I guess hand stuff. I don't know, I don't know what other people would do. Yeah, yeah, yeah, we all know. Give it up, yeah. And then like sex in grade school and then middle school, I guess hand stuff, I don't know. I don't know what other people would do. Yeah, yeah, yeah, we all know. Give it up, yeah.

And then like sex in high school, like the pursuit of all that stuff. Of course, obviously your hormones are saying, go get that anyway, so you're already dealing with those feelings. And then you're kind of, you're seeking the relationships and you're seeking the sex, but you're also seeking the feeling of, I'm not different.

You know, like I'm okay. And for me personally, like a lot of my bad feelings absolutely came from that. And I think a lot of like the most fucked up things I ever did in relationships came from me turning, the fucked up things that I did in relationships and also that I allowed to happen to me came from this idea of being desired sexually

means that you're okay. You know, rather than starting from a place. Yeah, where it's like, I am affirming myself through your relationship with me. So then when you, and then, especially if you start to get like a little bit successful, like in any field, and then you become more confident and people are just naturally more drawn to you

because you're confident, you feel good about yourself, but you've been so fucked up for so long that when somebody starts liking you, you're like, you only like me because I'm successful. Yeah, and I think both of us, obviously, were very privileged that we could even have access to therapy or a medical intervention. None of us individually can be the person who solves this.

It's just 100%, right? And this is a strange thing where you do feel None of us individually can be the person who solves this. It's just 100%, right? And this is a strange thing where you do feel compelled to, you almost feel like you're abandoning fat people if you lose weight, or you're like, I am then a part, you know, you're like, I'm siding with the people who say, it's unhealthy, and you lazy fatasses need to lose some weight. They're like, is this siding with the people who say, it's unhealthy and you lazy fat asses need to like lose some weight.

They're like, is this weird feeling of guilt about it? But I just think, I was talking to somebody the other day and we were talking about fatness and they said, I was talking about how I lost a bunch of weight because I needed to lose a bunch of weight for my health. And they put it to me like this. They said, you started being healthier and you lost weight as a result, right? And that's fine.

I think that's a better way to look at it. You start behaving healthier, you start eating a little healthier, the way even, because there are very unhealthy people who weigh 130 pounds, you know? Exactly, you can't punish yourself into health. And whatever your weight is or however you look at this, that's what we're constantly asked to do.

We're constantly asked to punish ourselves. And so it's within your childhood, it's like, oh, I'm gonna punish a child and that's somehow we will grow up to be like a healthy adult. That never works, it's not working for anybody. And I think the one nice thing about the internet is at least to have different depictions of the body

in and of itself is valuable. I don't know, I just really, but get the book, read the book, get the library. Thank you for talking to me about this. I really't know. I just really, but get the book. Read the book. Get the library. It's all in there. Thank you for talking to me about this. I really appreciate it. We'll get the library. Thank you for talking to me about it. Of course.

Hallie Kiefer, everybody. Thank you so much. Listen to her horror movie podcast, Ruined, wherever you get your podcasts. Next on the list, Preacher Lawson offends dog owners everywhere. Don't go anywhere. This is Love It or Leave It, and there's more on the way. And now, a final word from Furiosa and Mad Max Saga. Alright, listen up you little shits. You win, okay? You fucking win.

We've released a new cut of the movie where every sound cue has been replaced with Sabrina Carpenter's espresso, okay? We're talking two hours and 28 minutes of wall-to-wall that's-that-me espresso. Whatever the fuck that means. Please see this movie. We use CGI to make it look like Crim's Hemsworth is wearing slutty little shorts. Is that enough of a sleigh for you monsters? Is that what it's gonna take?

You want one of the trucks to be trans? We can make the trucks trans! Please! We're on our knees, begging you to see Furiosa on Mad Max Saga on Pride Week, and sure, we mean that in a sexy way, if that does anything for you. Furiosa's prosthetic arm is rainbow colors now. Please, the fate of Hollywood rests

in your gender-fluid hands. Furiosa, a Mad Max saga. What if every ticket came with free poppers, huh? Let's try that. Thank you. Thank you very much. Oh, my God. Please welcome to the stage the nicest working man in show business, Preacher Lawson. Oh my God. Please welcome to the stage,

the nicest working man in show business, Preacher Lawson. How are you doing, man? I'm doing great, just found out I'm not the father. God is good. Fantastic, congratulations. I'm joking, I'm joking, I'm joking, I am. But I'm not sticking around, you know what I'm saying? There we go!

I got stuff to do! I got similar plans. Do you and me get a room at the Morongo Casino? Let's do it. That at all. I don't gamble, anyway, sorry. You don't gamble? No, I don't gamble.

If you're just now finding out you're not the father, I think you do gamble. I think just maybe in a different way. You're right, you're right. Just not with money. That's right. You're right. Just not with money. That's right. Just with lives. You blinked. I've seen you. I looked at you. You blinked. I won. Preacher, we have known each other from doing stand-up years ago.

I know. In a few sentences, we met when you were 19. I think we should give the full story. In Portland, Oregon. Yeah, Oregon. Yeah, 19, yeah. Forever ago, you were 19, I was 20. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Five. All right, preacher. In a few sentences, what have you been up to

since you were 19 years old? Oh, man. I have a few sentences? I don't know. I mean, I had a couple girlfriends. That was pretty cool. Very nice, very nice. I went on a couple TV shows.

Fantastic. List your credits right now in order of how proud of them you are. Okay. How proud of them? Like the least proud and then goes to the- Least proud to most proud. Actually, start at most proud and then work our way to least proud. Okay. Well, obviously, obviously America's got talent. Okay, perfect. We were hoping you would say love it or leave it. Oh, my bad. Really banking on that. Yeah. You. Oh, my bad. I thought- Really banking on that.

Yeah, you know what? I apologize. I was actually gonna put y'all like nine. Okay. But that's good. Out of- That's, out of three. Oh no!

Yeah, nine out of three. No. America's Got Talent, of course. America's Got Talent, I think, is where I get recognized for the most. I host this show called World's Most Amazing Dog. That's pretty cool. That's a good one. And honestly, I don't remember my other ones. Yeah, true, yeah, they all blended.

Yeah, they kinda, yeah, I forget, you know. But yeah, I like my specials. Your special, and speaking of your specials, you dropped a new special in March named My Name is Preacher, in which your mother introduces you. That's right, that was really cool. My brother introduced my first one on Amazon Prime. Who got Netflix?

Make some noise! Woo! Hey, my second one's on YouTube, so you should watch that. It's free for everybody. But, so I thought it'd be cool that my brother did. He's like my best friend. He introduced me first. My mom does my, and my mom, she goes on a roll with me. You know, so she does comedy.

She open? She opens, yeah, she does jokes. You're kidding me. I'm dead serious. Your mother goes up and opens for you? My mom does stand up for me, it's great. And she sells merchandise, it's fantastic. Have there been?

Yeah, I know bro, you gotta get you one. Gotta get a mom, man, they're great. Gotta get one that likes you though. Is that a nepo mommy? Is that, what is that? What do we call that? First off, I know what a nepo mommy is, but if I didn't, what would you say?

How would you explain it? What a nepo mommy is? Yeah, I know. You know like a nepotism baby, it's What a nepo mommy? Yeah, I know like a nepa nepotism baby, it's like a nepo baby is like when a Red I don't know Randy Quaid's kid shows up in a TV show. Yeah, I know Randy Quaid's. Yeah, he's my favorite one So yeah, I mean yeah, he's she's great so she usually goes up that I have my brother than me

It's a whole family show. That's amazing. Yeah. Yeah, it's great. It's cheaper. You can say Yeah, she doesn't even know they make money. While discussing your comedy ahead of the show, I realized you don't really cuss on stage at all. No. Was that a conscious decision or? Why did I cuss growing up? I just started cussing till 2020.

What happened then? I mean, what do you mean what happened? I was stuck in the house, yeah. I also became an alcoholic. A lot of things changed when I was 22. I don't drink anymore because stuck in the house. I also became an alcoholic. A lot of things changed when I was 22. I don't drink anymore because it's the best. It's great. So I had to stop. I had to stop drinking because I was drinking one day and I was like, I think I like drinking more than my children. And that's a problem because I don't have kids.

I just say weird things. I just say weird things when I'm drunk. Anyway, but- You imagined and then abandoned an entire family because you liked alcohol so much. Yeah, that's what I did, you know? But I just, I started cussing in 2020 because I was just in my house and then I had a little wine in me and then I was like, I'ma try it out.

What'd you pop your cherry with? Damn. Yeah, there you go. Mother, damn. You know, I just, yeah, I just tested it out. My brother thinks I'm not good at it, but I'm pretty good now. I've had years. I've been testing for four years.

I felt that. Damn. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're on your best day ever stand up tour. I am. You can learn so much about a place from doing comedy there. What are you learning about the US in 2024 from touring? I don't know.

I think that we're a lot more similar than, you know, everyone. It's kind of like, okay, so imagine you're a family, right? Everybody has a family member. Most people have them. Some people left you, but sorry about that. But people have families, and so there's some family members that you're like, man, you know, I love this person because they're great to me. And then you have some family like, I kind of don't like you, you know, even though you're

my family, like I love you, but you you you know even though you're my family like I love you but you kind of trash but they're your family yeah you know so I just think that that's America is that we're all family and in some of our family members are trash yeah yeah I just that's it I do think that's true but I still love you I know I kind of think that's what like I wish people didn't cut like I know it's it's very popular right now to like cut someone out of your life if you disagree with them. Like, people will cut their, like,

parents out of their lives if they vote for Trump or whatever. I think you gotta keep those people close if you can bear it. Because I think it helps to have, like, a friendly face to associate with the dumbest thing you've ever heard in your entire life. I really think it does.

No, I agree with that. I'm not for cutting anyone out, unless they make your life worse. Yes, exactly. That's the only way, if they're like bringing you down, but if it's like, okay, I just know how to navigate around that person. So like if your mom bombs a couple sets,

that's somebody you'd cut out of your life. Yeah, she's gotta go. Yeah, absolutely. I gotta hire a new mom. Well, Preacher, I love that you've made Clean Comedy your brand, which is why we are forcing you to play a game that we're calling Roast This Puppy. Roast This Puppy.

I'm gonna show you someone or something absolutely adorable and we're going to need you to completely destroy them. Okay. All right, also I'm gonna provide some points of attack if you need them. Are you ready to go? Let's go. All right.

First we have a literal puppy, Bo, the Miracle Basset Hound puppy. Look at him. You want me to make fun of the puppy? Yeah, that's right, I'll give you some information first. According to the New York Post, Bo's owner dropped him off to be euthanized due to a neurological illness.

A year later, she saw Bo back on a pet adoption website. Turns out he had a treatable illness and is now doing just fine to his former owner's confusion and relief. Preacher, roast the shit out of this bitch. You should have died anyway. Right, oh no, okay. All right, you're so stupid looking.

Look at you, dumb dog. Get his ass. Yeah, yeah, I'd bite you, man. I would, man. Yeah, you're not'd bite you, man. I would, man. Yeah, you're not even big enough to ride like I do horses or something. That's right, yeah. He's clearly a liar.

He made up, he had this devastating disease. Why would you lie to your owner, you dummy? Get his ass. Bro, I wish you'd know what you look like. Your mama's so ugly, right? That if she went into a store, they'd give her a discount, I think. Yeah, I'm not good at this.

I'm not, I don't know, man. I don't know. I think your heart's too pure. I don't think that, but I think. Everybody's a little evil, come on, man. Yeah, absolutely. There's a tiny bit. Including this dog.

Yeah, you're really evil. Yeah. Yeah, all right. All right, we're gonna move off the dog. Yeah, we're gonna go ahead. We're gonna move off the dock. Yeah, we're gonna go ahead. We're gonna move off the dock. All right, why don't you go ahead and roast. I wanna be euthanized right now. I wanna be euthanized.

All right, go ahead. Good news, we have 19 more of these. Oh, awesome. Okay. The Four Seasons Orlando Baby. I have a question for everybody. Oh, yeah. Who wants to go to the Four Seasons Orlando?

Me! All right, just a little info. The Four Seasons Orlando baby, also known as the fully sentient baby, set TikTok on fire by answering a direct question in a non-baby-like way. Subsequently, People Magazine published photos of her trip to the Four Seasons Orlando.

Aw, she's so cute. For those at home, they are just photos of a baby at a hotel. Preacher? Preacher, roast's so cute. For those at home, they are just photos of a baby in a hotel. Preacher, Preacher, roast this little genius. She's adorable. But when she grows up, I feel bad, whoever's gonna date her. She just seems like she's gonna need a lot

because she's a baby. Why are you excited about the Four Seasons? You should want carrot juice or something. Right. Right? Right? That's kinda, yeah. And I don't know, I don't wanna make, why you doing this to me?

All right. Breacher Glenn and Rose, this grandma who set a new swimming record. Where's she at? Oh, she's one of them. Uh. This month, Anna Applehands-Gubser, little Anna-Gubser, a grandma from Pacifica, California,

became the first person to swim from the Golden Gate Bridge to the Farallon Islands, a distance of 29.6 miles in treacherous water. Her friends and family celebrate her achievement. We, however, do not get her ass, preacher. Okay, since I don't know who it is. It's one of them. And they all look like they went to the prom with Jesus.

Let's just say that, I don't know, I think she was trying to prove to Moses, she was like, hey, I can also part some water. Yeah. And now I'm gonna swim through it. Yeah. Her last name's Gubser. Anything, any meat on the bone there?

Gubser? Yeah. You want me to tell you now? Yeah. Yeah, I'll tell you. I'll say the joke. So about Gubser, right? Gubser is her name. Yeah. What kind of name is that? Get her.

What is that? Right there, man. Put her on the rack. Yeah, I'm going to put you on the rack, Gubser. Yeah, Gubser sounds like something you take when you have like some acid in your stomach. You know? Let me get some Gupser. Let me get out of here because this is not working. Let me give you, I'll set you up another one.

Give me another one. Give me another one. We only got 16 to go. Okay, 16, that's fine. The Mars Perseverance Rover. Alright? Yeah. 16 to go. Okay, 16, that's fine. The Mars Perseverance Rover, all right? Yeah. At a meeting this month, NASA scientists excitedly revealed

that the Mars Perseverance Rover has collected hydrated silica, which they say is the material most likely to hold traces of ancient life on Mars. Preacher, rip this cheap little Wally knockoff a new outlet, please. I should let y'all know now I got a GED. So, yeah, you said some words in there,

and it made me realize why I chose comedy. This isn't roast yourself, pretty sure. Okay, you're right. You're dumb. Yeah. Yeah. Because at least I got my honors GED. You probably didn't even graduate from GED school.

Your rocks look dumb. Yeah. If I got a rock from your Mars, wouldn't even use it to propose to my dumb. Yeah, if I got a rock from your Mars, wouldn't even use it to propose to my wife. Yeah. Ahem. You know? Musician Richard M. Sherman, who along with his brother,

co-wrote songs for Mary Poppins, The Jungle Book, The Sword and the Stone, and Disney's iconic, It's the Small, he's dead. Okay, gotta be. I'm not saying he should be. Yeah, no, he died. Well, he should be. He died at 95. Oh, okay, gotta be. I'm not saying he should be. Yeah, no, he died. Well, he should be. He died at 95.

Oh, okay, cool. So I'm looking at the picture and it looks like an Etch and Sketch. Put him in the grave one more time. Oh, yeah. Yeah, so he wrote the Disney, Disney. He wrote Mary Poppins, the Jungle Book, The Sword and the Stone,

and It's a Small World After All. Okay, well first off, never watch any of those because I'm black. Got em. Yeah, that's not true, I did watch Mary Poppins and a lot, I watched them all. Delightful. I was just trying, I apologize for making fun of you.

No I don't apologize. Yeah, let me say, you, your hair looks so stupid, you know what I mean? It's like, this is how he made his hair. And then he was like, let me put it over to the side. And it looked like he was on a windy day. He walked outside, then the wind was like, it was like blowing, that's his hair blowing.

And then. Pfft. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha laughing with me. I'm loving it. No. I'm laughing with you. You're laughing at me drowning, which is probably how he died in his bathtub. That's true. Let's go. Died him. Let's go. Come on. Let's go.

Come on. Yes. That's right. We almost missed the high five. I could not have given you a high. It don't matter. Oh man. I legged it.

All right. Extremely Caucasian high five on my part. I apologize for that. What's a black high five? I'm going to let, what's a black high five? High five on the black side. Is that a? That's a black high five? I'm going to let, what's a black high five? High five on the black side. Is that a thing? Is that a thing?

Because it's black. That's not a thing. This is like, hey what up? How you doing? You know what I'm saying. You know what, finally, I'm going to actually improvise this, I'm going to have you roast me in this game for making you play.

Oh no man. Come on Preacher. You want me to roast you? Roast me, roast me, roast this game. I'm not going to say you look like Baloo from the movie Jungle Book. I'm man. Come on preacher. You want me to roast you? Roast me, roast this guy. I'm not gonna say you look like Baloo from the movie Jungle Book. I'm not gonna say that. I'm not gonna say, no, no.

I think you look great. Honestly, you look phenomenal and I would absolutely go on the train that you drive because you look like a train conductor. And no, you're awesome, man. You're awesome. Preacher, I love you so much. I love you, too, man. Thank you so much for everything.

Thank you, Preacher. Scream My Name is Preacher on YouTube. And grab tickets for the Best Day Ever Tour. When we're back, Mamma Mia! The Holy Spirit compels us. Thank you. Thank you. Woo!

Please welcome back to the stage my other guests, Dana and Halle. Welcome back. Inspired by Pope Francis' apologizing for that homophobic slur this week, we're going to close out the show with a game we're calling, scusy. Each of us will take turns apologizing for something while doing so. We must wear this pope's hat and we must, must, must apologize in our best Italian accent.

You have to apologize for saying the slur earlier in the monologue. You took my one! Oh no, those are yours. That's all right, I'll come up with another one. I have a lot of things to apologize for. Are you all ready to play? Yeah.

I'm gonna sound racist. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's okay about Italians for another decade, we decided. Oh, thank God. Okay. All right, Halle goes first. We have spun the love and her leave it wheel. Halle goes first.

Halle, what do you have to apologize for? Mamma mia. Excuse me for what the inside of my refrigerator looks like. I wasn't expecting you to stop by. They got out toilet paper. You said, oh, can I get a seltzer? I said, sure. And I heard you open the refrigerator door.

And I realized, oh God, you're seeing the inside of my refrigerator. There's no severed head inside it because that would mean there was something in there other than slime and just sort of things that have dripped into the produce drawer that I see and I've accepted. But you, my friend, you're here seeing it. I'm so sorry. I apologize. Also, there's no seltzer in there.

I don't know what I was thinking. There are 14 half consumed diet coke cans. I apologize also there's no seltzer in there. I don't know what I was thinking. There are 14 half consumed Diet Coke cans. I guess you could have one if you want. Excuse me. Bravo, bravo, bravissimo, bravissimo. Let's go ahead and spin the love it or leave it wheel one more time, see who's apologizing next.

["The Love of the Sugar Plum Fairy"] Man, this ain't random. No, it's pretty sure. It's not random. It's pretty sure. It's for sure random. Oh my gosh. I want to apologize because to my friend earlier, I was in the bathroom and I destroyed it. I destroyed it. She's laughing because it was her. I'm sorry you had to go in after me and I'm glad you made it out because I gave birth to what I ate earlier, you know? All right, Jamaican. All right.

You became Jamaican. I know, I know. I don't know. That rap break still. Yeah, whatever. Yeah, yeah. Enchanté. I would love a Jamaican pope. If we could get a Jamaican pope, that would be fantastic.

Oh, we need a Jamaican pope. We really do. Thank you, preacher. Let's spin the love and leave it real one more time. We're just making pope, we really do. Thank you preacher. Let's spin the love and leave it real one more time. I'm so intent, like I don't know, there's only two options. Oh my god. Dana Schwartz, your best Miss Guzzi.

Miss Guzzi, I am so sorry for leaving every party before 9 p.m. because I get very sleepy. I will socialize for an hour, 90 minute stops and then I will want to leave and go home. And I am sleepy and I am sorry. Miss Cousy. Oh, Val's very curious. Fantastic. Yeah.

Let's spin that wheel one more time. No, it has to be me, right? Oh, we are spinning it. Ah! I have the technology. Let's spin that wheel one more time. No, it has to be me, right? Oh, we are spinning it. Yeah. They have the technology. It's pundit. There we go. You look good in that.

Oh, thank you very much. Miss Cousy, I'm so sorry. It's Ian Carmel hosting the Donald Trump guitar. 34 conditions, love it or leave it. And nobody has heard of who I am before, unless you're one of the dozen or so people who watch the Lay Lay Show with James Corden. And excuse me, I'm so, so sorry.

I have no information about the electoral system or the J-2 additional system, or really any current events happening whatsoever at all. The only news I've read in the last, how you say six months, is that there is a new college football video game coming out sometime in July. I, how you say, live my life according to the television

show Entourage, the TV show Entourage with a turtle, Vini, the other guys. And so sorry, hopefully next time Trump gets convicted, and it's important to remember, it will happen again, John Lovett won't be on some island somewhere recovering from his tapeworm. All right, all right, let's go.

Yeah. Yeah. And now, because we all need it, here it is, the high note. I love it. Love you so much and very excited to share my high note. I just accepted a job yesterday at an incredible conservation organization and I am just over the moon. And I wanted to call and

share the high note because obviously I'm excited but also for anyone who's trying to make these like mid-career shifts or pursue something that is you know out of your experience go for it just do it this took me so long I've been trying to make this pivot for like four years now I work in communications I don't have a conservation background, but just a big passion for the outdoors and for preserving our planet. So both a high note and also a little bit of encouragement if you're trying to make a shift and it's just taking so long. Mine took a long time, but it is sure worth it. So just wanted to share, love everything you all do. Thanks to you and the

team for keeping us laughing. Lots, lots to do in 2024, but we're gonna get there. Thanks guys. Hi, love it. This is Becca from Albany, California. And my high note is that in one week, I will be graduating high school. Woo! I wanna come on to thank you and my parents

for making me an informed member of society. And also for raising me and feeding me and being nice to me even when I was a shitty teenager. Well, I mean you didn't raise me or feed me but they did so I'm thanking them. Love you guys. Thanks to everyone who sent in a high note tonight. If you want to send us a message about something that gave you hope send a voice memo to lolihinotes at gmail.com. That's lolihinotes at gmail.com. Or if you're a Friends of the Pod subscriber, you have the exclusive ability to leave us your high notes without the hassle of a call or email. Simply head on over to the Friends of the Pod Discord server and post a comment or voice memo in the hashtag love it or leave it channel or hashtag high notes channel for a chance

to hear it featured on the show. That's our show thank you so much to Dana Schwartz, Preacher Lawson and Hallie Kiefer there are 156 days until the 2024 elections have a great night and have a great weekend. Love it or Leave it is Love it or Leave it. Straight Shoot Time. Love it or Leave it is Love it or Leave it. Love it or Leave it is a Crooked Media Production. It is written and produced by me, John Love it and Lee Eisenberg. Kendra James is our Executive Producer, Chris Lord is our Producer, and Kennedy Hill is our Associate Producer.

Hallie Kiefer is our Head Writer, Sarah Lazarus and Jocelyn Kaufman, Peter Miller, Alan Pierre, Will Miles and Mahana Del Shiki are our writers. Evan Sutton is our editor. Kyle Seglen and Charlotte Landis provide audio support. Steven Colon is our audio engineer. And Milo Kim is our videographer. Our theme song is written and performed by Sure Sure. Thanks to our designer, Bernardo Serna,

for creating and running all of our visuals, which you can't see because this is a podcast. And to our digital producers, David Toles, Claudia Shang, Mia Kelman, and Matt DeGroote for filming and editing video each week so you can. Hey, love it or leave it listeners. I have joined the cast of Nobody Listens to Paula Poundstone, the comedy podcast on two very funny episodes. Wow, exciting.

I didn't want to use the word cast there, Paula made me. It's a podcast, technically four people talking in a new review with an expert guest on a significant topic is not a cast, it's not Shakespeare, it's a comedy podcast. But I love this train wreck of a show, I'm a huge fan. Become a nobody and listen to Nobody Listens to Paula Poundstone, the comedy podcast on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you listen to podcasts. You know how much I love Paula. Whenever you don't love it or leave

it, it's a delight. Go check out the podcast.