Lovett or Leave It - Finally, Justice for Matt Gaetz

Episode Date: November 16, 2024

BREAKING: Donald Trump picks Lovett or Leave it to head Department Of Gay Little Jokes. This week, RFK Jr. worms his way into the new administration, while Matt Gaetz plans a field trip to the DOJ. Colorado Governor Jared Polis walks back his enthusiasm, yet another thing we can’t do if we all get polio, and Lovett and his guests are sorry, but they refuse to apologize. For a closed-captioned version of this episode, click here. For a transcript of this episode, please email [e-mail] and include the name of the podcast.

Listen. All right. Welcome to Love It or Leave It. Tonight on the show, Brian Jordan Alvarez shows hole punch. Reggie Watts tunes up while I tune out and to wrap it all up, Reggie, Brian and I give doubling down a big old thumbs up. Plus again, I want to see what's on your minds tonight. So at the end of the show, we're just gonna see what's on your minds. What? Uh, we're done with high notes. We're simply done with them. I have loved everybody's high notes, but we're doing something now called Joyride, which

is instead of something big and important in your life, something small, fun, and distracting in your life. Or, in the case of last week, something big and distracting in your life. It was about an orgasm. All right. But first let's get into it. What a week. In the days since his re-election Donald Trump has been announcing cabinet picks and White House appointees that reflect his desire to be surrounded with friends and allies regardless of qualifications. This is of course known as the Adam Sandler Doctrine.

This was purely a joke, and we literally wrote it before we heard that Trump had actually nominated Rob Schneider to be the ambassador to Germany. Yes, yes, former SNL actor and current anti-vaxxer Rob Schneider ambassador to Germany. Yes. No, we made that up. But you believed it. Because that's where we're at. Trump first announced that Suzy Wiles, his campaign co-chair and who is a former lobbyist,

will serve as White House Chief of Staff, making her the first woman to ever hold that job. Suzy Wiles is a real keep the trains on time and on the tracks sort of person. Who's on the trains? Where are they going? None of her business. Trump named Congresswoman Elise Stefanik to be ambassador to the United Nations.

She is a once normie millennial Harvard Republican that was very critical of Trump, who used the first Ukraine impeachment to do a rebrand as a Maga Dunce. She ultimately joined a lawsuit to overturn the 2020 election. More recently, she famously tried to set a trap for those college presidents over anti-Semitism, which she didn't even get to use

because they just jumped into the hole before she'd even have a chance to spread branches over it. It's like she had this whole line of questioning to lead them to a gotcha, but they were just like, wah! Stephanie will direct that same pre-ne antagonism of questioning to lead them to a gotcha, but they were just like, wah! I was just...... Stefanik will direct that same pre-Nate antagonism

toward the United Nations, and honestly, whatever. We've got bigger fish to fry. Trump also named another former critic come supplicant to a high-ranking foreign policy role, Marco Rubio has been chosen to be Secretary of State. When asked for comment, Rubio scurried under a thimble to escape a hungry Robin,

which I assume means he accepted. Imagine if the person you were nine days ago could hear you saying, oh, thank God, Secretary of State Marco Rubio. Imagine how hard you would punch you. The rest of the nominations rolled out like this. For those listening at home, that was a scene from late Game of Thrones where a white walker runs towards Cersei Lannister.

Trump selected former New York Congressman Lee Zeldin to lead the EPA. Zeldin doesn't have a specific track record or interest in environmental policy. He's expressed skepticism of climate change, but his main qualifications seem to be being from New York and voting to overturn the election. And yeah, that pick sounded bad when Trump announced it back on Monday, but it's Thursday now and with Thursday comes perspective. So have at it Mr. Zeldin. When's the last time any of us really hung out in a marsh?

You know, we have bigger fish to fry. Tom Homan, acting ICE director during the first Trump administration and one of the architects of its family separation policy will serve as borders are. This is distinct from Trump's other family separation policy, which is marked by some outright estrangement, but mostly a quiet deepening chasm between parents

and children, marked not by angry conversations, but silences and unsent texts, plus a decision to simply split up into a wicked group and a gladiator two group. Plus, Santa Monica fascist Stephen Miller will come aboard as deputy chief of staff for policy, fresh office press tour for Nosferatu. I hear he is phenomenal. Trump announced Tuesday that he will nominate Arkansas governor and guy who unironically

believes God is white, Mike Huckabee, to serve as ambassador to Israel. Big congrats to Israel, or as Mike Huckabee calls it, Jutopia. Huckabee said this about Israel's settlements earlier in the week. I think Israel has titled the Judea and Samaria. There are certain words I refuse to use. There is no such thing as a West Bank. It's Judea and Samaria. There's no such thing as a settlement.

Their communities, their neighborhoods, their cities. There's no such thing as a settlement, their communities, their neighborhoods, their cities. There's no such thing as an occupation. I mean, sure, we can all deny the existence of people and realities that complicate our worldview I guess. There's no such thing as a Mike Huckabee. Feels good to say. Would be cool if it worked. On Tuesday, Trump named Fox News anchor Pete Hegseth as his secretary of defense, which

again seemed like the craziest choice possible on Tuesday, but here we are on Thursday having lived a thousand lives, all of them terrible. He previously considered Hegseth to head up Veterans Affairs during his first term, but was advised he probably wouldn't get confirmed by the Senate. Here's a video of Pete throwing an axe at a drummer. Who's gonna win this battle of the London? Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh my God! Then on Wednesday, Trump announced that former Hawaii congresswoman Tulsi Gabbard would serve as Director of National Intelligence. Congrats to Tulsi, but an even bigger congrats to her FSB handlers. You guys crushed this one.

Should someone who amplifies conspiracy theories and parrots Russian propaganda be put in charge of 18 spy agencies? A question for all of us to consider nine days ago. But amazingly, jaw-droppingly, the worst was yet to come as Trump announced Florida Congressman Matt Gaetz as his pick for Attorney General. And you know what those magic words mean? It's a hard reset on the simulation. Any minute now, here we go. I wonder how far back we'll go this cycle. I'd like to see gravity in the theater for the first time again.

That was a fucking blast. Ooh, wake up 2012. About to find out I was gonna shoot a pilot for NBC, a TV show with my name on it's gonna be a hit. Any second now, here we go. Let's reset. Any second now. When a reporter asked GOP Congressman Mike Simpson whether he thought that Gates, who

is despised, I remind you, not just by House Democrats, but by House Republicans, was fit to be Attorney General, Simpson replied, and this is a quote, Are you shitting me that you just asked that question? No. But hell, you'll print that and now I'm gonna be investigated. What a perfect quote to encapsulate Trump's second term. Put it in the history books. Countries that still have those four years from now.

Politico reporter Meredith Lee Hill also said she saw a House Republican laughing so hard about Gates' appointment that he started crying. The choice of Matt Gaetz did not sit well with many Senate Republicans, some of whom thought it was a literal joke. He's got his work really cut out for him, a chuckling Joni Ernst told reporters. Said Susan Collins,

I was shocked by the appointment. That shows why the advice and consent process is so important. I'm sure that there will be a lot of questions raised at his hearing. There's one thing Susan Collins is gonna be. It's shocked. Just a 71-year-old woman moving through the Trump era like a baby on the business

end of a peekaboo. Lisa Murkowski said that Gates's selection was not on her bingo card and that he is not a serious candidate adding, if you wanted to make a joke maybe I would say now I'm waiting for George Santos to be named. Can I ask a question? When did people start saying not on my bingo card? Events are never on bingo cards. Numbers are on bingo cards. It's always only numbers. Though some Republicans did get in line with the manifestly unqualified Gates, who has never been a prosecutor and only briefly served in private practice as a lawyer.

Tommy Tuberville, who reportedly reacted to the news with, holy cow, went on Fox News and threatened his fellow Senate Republicans who might be thinking of voting against the Trump nominee. And if you want to get in the way, fine. But we're going to try to get you out of the Senate too, if you try to do that. Cool colleague. Lindsey Graham also seemed ready to board the Gates train. He won the election.

He deserves a chance to pick his cabinet. I am predisposed to allow him to do that. I think Matt Gates is very bright. I think he's qualified. You fag. He's's qualified. You fag. Uh... He's not qualified. Words have meaning. Look, I know we're all focusing on the fact that Matt Gaetz is a fucking maniac and vile person who allegedly solicited sex from teenage girls, and that is the most important point.

But also, a guy who spent a couple years as an associate at a Northwest Florida corporate law office before nepo-babying his way into Florida politics is not qualified to run the Department of Justice. And everyone knows this. Lindsey Graham knows this. Matt Gaetz knows this. Now, some have speculated that this is some sort of a favor. Gaetz immediately resigned from Congress on Wednesday, which is strange. Doesn't have to resign immediately. He's not even been officially nominated. Trump isn't president. But then we learn that the House Ethics Committee planned to vote on Friday on whether to release

an apparently damning report on the bipartisan investigation into Gates's alleged crimes, sexual and otherwise. In case you're wondering what might be in that report, here's Matt Gaetz's number one enemy, former House Speaker Kevin McCarthy, talking to the press back in April. And I'll give you the truth why I'm not speaker. It's because one person, a member of Congress, wanted me to stop an ethics complaint because he slept with a 17 year old. So the theory goes Trump nominates Gates, Gates resigns before the report can be released,

and then the Gates nomination goes down clearing the way for a slightly less terrible pick to seem like a relief by comparison. It's an interesting theory with just one problem. Trump wants Gates to be Attorney General. Trump is reportedly very serious about this, with one advisor telling the bulwark, none of the attorneys had what Trump wants and they didn't talk like Gates. Everyone else looked at AG as if they were applying for a judicial appointment. They talked about their vaunted legal theories and constitutional bullshit.

Gates was the only one who said, yeah, I'll go over there and start cutting fucking heads. I just hope Merrick Garland feels good about twisting himself into an inert pretzel to avoid the appearance of political weaponization, only for Trump to run on that anyway and then appoint Matt fucking Gates to take his job. Then on Thursday, a lawyer for the woman who Gates allegedly slept with when she was a minor

asked for the report to be released anyway. John Cornyn, who sits on the Judiciary Committee, suggested the committee could subpoena that report saying we should gain access to all relevant information by whatever means necessary. Personally, I don't think we need the report. The publicly available information is incredibly damning and any GOP senator pretending not to know enough about who Matt Gaetz is, is lying. You don't need final word from the Bayer Safety Committee before you're allowed to say, hey, maybe we shouldn't let this horny pervert grizzly loose at the Department of Justice.

But yes, of course, subpoena the report. Go off, King. On the whole, Trump's picks seem to dare Republicans to challenge him and few seem up for it. Here's Congressman Troy Nell summing up the prevailing GOP mindset on Capitol Hill. There's no question he's the leader of our party. So now he's got a mission statement, his mission and his goals and objectives, whatever that is, we need to embrace it. All of it. Every single word. If Donald Trump says jump three feet high and scratch your head, we all jump three feet high and scratch our heads. If he wants us to writhe on a tarp covered in chocolate pudding and oink like filthy little

piggies, we will. Actually, let me just get the tarps out now. We don't want to leave him waiting. Just a little bit of therapy away from realizing he just wants to do some sub-dom play at home and then that's all he wants. Completely unexamined. That's all he wants. Completely unexamined. Get one beautiful woman to step on his balls, maybe get out of this mess. Or guy, could be a guy. I don't think he knows if it should be a guy or not. And we're all about to see how pliant these little piggies can be because on Thursday, Trump announced his intention to nominate Robert F. Kennedy Jr.,

the anti-vax crank and bone collector, to be Secretary of Health and Human Services. Our nation's fate is in the worm's hands now. And I know worms don't have hands. I went to school pre-Trump, thank you very much. And I know worms don't have hands. I went to school pre-Trump, thank you very much. Kennedy, who rails not only against Big Pharma, but also Big Food, complained earlier this week about Trump's fast food diet, saying, campaign food is always bad,

but the food that goes onto that airplane is like just poisoned. You're either given KFC or Big Macs. Then he added, that's why I always pack my own lunch, gesturing to the dead raccoon tucked under his arm like a football. In a twist, following Trump's announcement, friend of the show and Colorado governor Jared Polis tweeted in support of RFK Jr.'s nomination. Of all our guests on this show, Jared Polis is not who I would have predicted to be psyched about RFK Jr. heading up HHS. I'm not even going to say who I would have predicted to be psyched about RFK Jr. heading up HHS.

I'm not even gonna say who I would have guessed. Jane Fonda, stop asking me. I don't mean that. I don't mean that, I don't mean that, I don't mean that. Wrote the governor, I'm excited by the news that the president-elect will appoint Robert Kennedy Jr. to HHS. He helped us defeat vaccine mandates in Colorado in 2019

and will help make America healthy again by shaking up HHS. He helped us defeat vaccine mandates in Colorado in 2019 and will help make America healthy again by shaking up HHS and FDA. Okay, so maybe we do need to make marijuana illegal. Uh. Said Polis, I hope he leans into personal choice on vaccines rather than bans, which I think are terrible, just like mandates. But what I'm most optimistic about is taking on Big Pharma and the corporate ag oligopoly to improve our health.

Polis goes on to explain his enthusiasm for Kennedy's desire to lower the cost of prescription medication, remove the influence of big agriculture from the FDA, and reduce pesticide-heavy farming, which he notes is bad for our pollinators and our people. Sure, that would be good. I'm not sure why Jared Polis thinks a crank lawyer and dilettante is the person to accomplish them, but whatever prescription drug is making him feel that way, I would certainly like some. Twitter users pointed out that Polis tweeted in August about RFK Jr.'s hypothetical involvement with the Trump administration, not sure how bringing back measles and bringing back polio makes anyone more healthy.

Yes, August Jared. So true, August Jared. Here is RFK Jr Junior's actual response to that post by Governor Polis today. It reads, thank you Governor Polish. I look forward to working with you, ma-ha. Which is, make America healthy again. Polis tweeted a little cleanup saying science must remain the cornerstone of our nation's health policy and the science-backed decision to get vaccinated improves public health and safety adding, lest there be any doubt, I am vaccinated as is my family. I will hold any HHS secretary to the same high

standard of protecting and improving public health. Just a reminder, according to the Lancet, over the last 50 years, vaccines against just 14 illnesses have prevented 154 million deaths, 146 million of which were children. Since 2000 alone, just the measles vaccine has prevented 60 million deaths. Vaccines are a miracle. The only reason anti-vaxx skepticism has any quarter in modern society is because anti-vaxxers live in a world in which life before vaccines is unimaginable to all of us. They spin each other up, they deny basic science, all while protected by one of the greatest achievements in

human history. Kids have gotten very sick from preventable childhood illnesses and some have died because of RFK jr.'s brand of bullshit. And lots of people bought into the anti-vaccine hysteria around COVID and died because of it. But anti-vaccine crusaders were on the outside making trouble that changes if RFK Jr. oversees the FDA, the CDC, the National Institutes of Health, not just for the damage he can do in the short term, but the damage he can do to research in the long term. Polis says, I don't want vaccine bans, but RFK makes some good points about pesticides and nutrition.

There are many dangerous and foolish people who have a few good points. Eric Adams is right about the rats. The Unabomber Manifesto had some interesting arguments about industrialization and global capitalism. That's not a justification for putting them in charge and hoping for the best. I would put the Unabomber in charge of Harvard. Now that I think about it for just a second.

Does that mean that experts are always right? No. Does that mean there aren't ways in which stongy consensus or health policy co-opted by lobbyists ought to be disrupted? Of course not. I remember when the federal government put out the food pyramid, telling us we needed six to ten servings of bread a day.

What a glorious time to be alive that was. Can't have any chicken tonight, I'm on a diet. It's only pasta. That was what the government did. Country gained a trillion pounds. No dessert until you've had your That was what the government did. Country gained a trillion pounds. No dessert until you've had your six slices of bread.

When I was growing up, in middle school, you could get a plate of french fries with chocolate milk for lunch. That's a botch. But this department, more than any other, has a responsibility not just to the truth, but to how we gather the evidence and data over decades to help us know the truth. RFK Jr. doesn't respect that inquiry. He's a danger to it.

The man is a crank. What is a crank? A crank is somebody whose combination of arrogance and ignorance leads them to believe they know better than every expert, that they can see what all the best minds have missed, that they know better, and that ego and dogmatism often prevails even when the stakes are high, even when the stakes are life and death because they don't know what they don't know and they're too cavalier and entitled to find out.

And that makes someone like RFK Jr. unacceptable. And Jared Polis ought to fucking say that. Or maybe having gay governors was a mistake. I hate to say that. I don't want to turn on gay governors. There's that bisexual one in the Pacific Northwest. Maybe she's okay. Meanwhile, the signs of the orderly working of our democracy are all around us.

In his meeting with President Biden, Trump thanked him for a smooth transition. Thank you very much. And politics is tough. And it's in many cases not a very nice world, but it is a nice world today. And I appreciate it very much. A transition that's so smooth, it'll be as smooth as it can get. And I very much appreciate that. You're welcome.

The only smooth transition I see involves my brain cells. I know Biden has to do this meeting, but does he have to be so friendly at least challenge this bitch to a pushup contest? Melania did not join her husband for the visit to the White House on Wednesday, skipping a traditional meeting with First Lady Jill Biden without providing a reason. In her defense, Trump hasn't announced his pick

for First Lady yet. Oh no, sorry you can't make it girl said Jill Biden refilling the same continuous bath she's been taking since July. In other news, Mattel has apologized for accidentally printing the URL of a porn website and the packaging for its Wicked themed dolls. The label mistakenly directed fans to Wicked.com instead of the official site Anilgasm.sex. Speaking of gazms, People magazine is named John Krasinski, it's 2024, sexiest man alive. Man, sexiest man kind of alive went to former president Jimmy Carter.

Mark Zuckerberg released a cover of Get Low with T-Pain. Let's take a listen. Do you know how annoying you have to be to make us forget you're not the world's most annoying billionaire? That really was Mark Zuckerberg. And now that you've heard it, you have seven days to play it for someone else. Or else, Mark Zuckerberg crawls out of a well and makes you listen to it again. The Onion won a bankruptcy auction, this is good news,

to buy Alex Jones' Infowars with the help of Sandy Hook families and said it plans to turn the website into a parody of itself. They will take control of all the company's assets including its studio. Unable to safely test for rabies, they unfortunately had no choice but to have Jones himself humanely euthanized. Rest in piss, Alex. That's great. And finally Denzel Washington revealed he had a big gay kiss in Ridley Scott's Gladiator 2, but the scene ended up on the cutting room floor.

I know. 30 years ago Denzel and Julia Roberts were not allowed to kiss in the Pelican brief because of racism. 30 years later, Denzel can't kiss somebody because of homophobia. I'm calling a progress. Said Denzel, I actually kissed a man in the film, but they took it out, they cut it. I think they got chicken. He went on to say, next time I'll make sure

it's in the script. All right, up next, Brian Jordan Alvarez is here to put the stud in study. Hey, don't go anywhere. There's more of Love It or Leave It coming up. And we're back. Please welcome to the stage the star of Hulu's English Teacher, the incredibly funny Brian Jordan Alvarez.

Come on in. Hello. Yeah, great. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi Brian. Hey, good to see you. We see each other at Barry's Bootcamp. We do.

Almost weekly, I would say. A lot. We see a lot. We see each other a lot. And it's a really hard place to bump into somebody. Yeah. I'm usually energy. If it's after, then I have a lot of energy. I'm like, I'm always right. I just feel it's like you're kind of focused. You're in the zone.

I just feel vulnerable in that set. Right, right. Right. It's not where I like. I don't, you know, I'm not there to talk. I'm not looking to have a general meeting. Right. Right.

Yeah. I'm sorry if that's the energy I've been giving off. I'm always happy to see you. No, it's great. I mean, I feel like we sort of booked this off of that. Yeah, a little bit, a little bit. I think it was unspoken. Yeah, yeah. What's it like to have a hit on your hands?

Oh, it feels great. Wait, who's that? Are the clappers clapping people watching English Teacher? It feels great. Yeah. Are the clappers clapping people watching English Teacher? Yeah? Have any of you seen me dancing to try to get you to watch English Teacher? Yeah, OK. That's a smaller crowd.

I have to say, I realized I had this sort of a what's it? Drinking problem. I what's a drinking problem? I did have this drinking problem. No, I had this, um, bass. I like had this reflected kind of pride or like, I, it felt pointed because I remember watching you make, uh, uh, the, the, uh, Caleb Gallo videos. And thank you. And it was so exciting to see this show and then see all your friends. Yeah, yeah, yeah. In the show. And the, and what is satisfying for me into FX's credit is that the voice wasn't like lost in the, in the, it actually got better. Like it's like, oh yeah, this sort of got upgraded to a full level show and it didn't, it wasn't like, oh, they, they lost the sauce.

You know, it was like, it, it translated. Now, do you worry that there was a period of time in Los Angeles where everybody was telling you about their web series? And do you worry that that you might cause that to happen again? Well, what's funny is I never thought of Caleb as a it's this it's the show I put on YouTube years ago And I never thought of it as a web series I always it was like me and my friends making this amateur thing But I always called it a show because the word web series was so sort of I Found it. I was like allergic to this word web series, you know, and so then it is funny when people are like, hey

I'm interested in making a web series. How did you make your web series? I'm like I didn't make a web series I don't know what to tell you But yeah, yeah, I mean hopefully it inspires people though in a real way. Did you talk to kids, actual high school kids in working on the show? For English teacher? Yeah. Not really. No. No, we, no, I mean, you know, we have a lot of genuinely young people. Not, I guess we only have a couple of real high schoolers. Most people are in their early twenties or playing our students, but we yeah, we learn from them and we let them improv a lot and we're finding the voice and some of them are sort of tick tock finds. There's this guy who's really

funny in the show, Ben Bondurant. He plays this character, Jeff, who always has these very funny one liners and he was from tick tock and scroll. Alia was from tick tock and we like put her in the pilot when she was like, you know, had a big Tik Tok following, but then she exploded after we cast her in the pilot. Now she has these pop songs and she's great. So the youth is, you know, is present and their voice is present.

You're from Tennessee originally. Yeah. Very, yeah. Very rural Tennessee. We just went home to visit my parents in Tennessee and, and, and Elliot here was shocked at how small my my the town I grew up in was. There's a Walmart, there's not even like a Red Lobster in Olive Garden like those things are in like a city nearby you know like this is like a small small town but I was born in New York City so I sort of I got to the sticks of Tennessee when I was four so I kind of knew like oh this

is the country but I'm from the city and I'll go back to the city one day. And you knew that at that young age. And here you are in the city. I'm a gay city five-year-old. What kind of restaurant? If there wasn't a Red Lobster Olive Garden, what was there? My god, there's something called, there's something that's a take on the Sizzler,

but it's not the Sizzler. It's called Western Sirloin. Oh. That sounds good. There's a Waffle House. Oh, that's nice. the sizzler. It's called Western Sirloin. Oh. That sounds good. There's a Waffle House. Oh, that's nice. Which is great. That's great.

Woo! Yeah. Yeah, I eat a Waffle House a lot. You can get a lot of protein at Waffle House, a big omelet. Right, right. You don't need to get a waffle. Exactly. Yeah, yeah.

You can just get eggs. But sometimes you do end up getting a waffle. You'll get a waffle. Yeah, yeah. You don't have to not get a waffle either. Exactly. Huh? Someone's recommending the loaded hash.

The audience feels like part of the show and they're not. But it's a... I'm sort of giving it to them because they've had a hard couple of weeks because of all that's been going on. Do you read comments about the show online or are you mentally well? No, I'm... I have very positive comments sections for whatever reason. So I do. Yeah,

I enjoy the comments. Yeah, not all of them, but you know, I mean, I don't read all of them, but I, yeah, I browse them. Yeah, you do. You get in there, you get in there. Yeah. Sometimes I respond. Sometimes you respond. Well, with this thing I've been doing, I've been doing this TikTok dance trend and then saying stream English teacher, which was good for like, it was good because it created sort of a moment. And so then when people say this worked on me I just watched the show and now I love it I'll say like good or something wow that's good behavior what a man what a man of the people you are wow that's good that's good really relating to people getting in there I respect that I try to make

them the audience of this show, feel like less. Like they're lucky, they're lucky to have me. And if they want to reply, they can, but that's like, I mean, you don't expect God to respond. That's an amazing fact. You're crazy. If God does, you know what I'm saying? That's a really powerful dynamic. I love English teacher.

I think it's an amazing show. Thank you. And there was a specific moment in the finale that I thought was just such beautiful writing where the principal says he doesn't eat burgers, but he's going to eat this burger tonight because it's a special night. Why it's special. And it just is. And I thought that was, I thought I captured something. I am amazed that you got a show, this specific, well-written, gay, on television. Do you think the lead character is gay? No, I'm just kidding. Is that what you took from it?

That's one of them. That is what I took from it. That is what I took from it? That's one of them. That is what I took from it. Thank you. That is what I took from it. It's beautiful. It's largely to, I mean, not to be corny, but FX uniquely is good at this. They have done this with other creators, too,

where they get you through the system of making a television show, and they preserve your voice, and they enhance it, and they bring you good people. And Paul Sims Paul Sims too who also sort of guide it well I don't I don't I don't know what their process was like but I know that he and Donald Glover made Atlanta together which was also an amazing show and Paul Sims came to me years ago and he was like let's make this show with FX and he's been a guide through this system and you know like I was saying earlier it's just like I'm like I love this show like it's not like I watch it I'm like

I got fucked up like I'm like I'm the biggest, it's just like, I'm like, I love this show. Like, it's not like I watch it and I'm like, oh, it got fucked up. Like, I'm like, I'm the biggest fan there is of this show. Because I made a show once and that wasn't my experience. Right. Exactly. It's very often not. I just looked at it and I thought, is this the best I can do? Maybe. It's like, yeah, yeah, kind of like Che Diaz on, what's it called?

And then there's this. No, close. What's next? And just like that. And just like that. Che Diaz makes a TV pilot and feels that it gets ruined in the process. Yeah, no.

I'm glad that that didn't happen. That's usually what people, yeah. Che Diaz is real to me, for what it's worth. No, no, and real to all of us, more real. Okay. Now, we like to play a game on this show and it's, you know, especially in, it's obviously, you know, this show is, it's called Would You Fuck This School Supply. That's what the game's called.

And we can do some kind of an intro for it, but we don't really need it. Oh, I'm mapped onto someone else's body. I thought that was my body. Maybe. It could be your body. I almost look like a velociraptor or something. Like, the way my head is kind of, like, pulling back. Yeah.

It's like I'm breaking into that kitchen in Jurassic Park. Would you fuck a trapper keeper? No, it's soft. It's supple. It's elegant. It's the perfect place to stuff. You're crumpled up quizzes. Uh, too painful. Okay. It's because I'm imagining the rings. Yeah. But the Trapper keeper rings were always the weakest of the rings. You know, they were poor quality. They were not rings of power. They weren't.

They weren't strong. They weren't strong. God, the siren song of the Trapper Keeper. Nobody needs it. But you wanted one. Applaud if you had one. Applaud if you wanted one but were not allowed one. Make it make sense, you know?

I think I secretly always wanted Lisa Frank stuff and probably didn't have it because it was, yeah. I wanted what the Trapper Keeper promised, which was safety, containment, a perfect place for everything. Yeah, yeah. Like what I wanted was a binder, but I wanted to be a different person. Right. Yeah, yeah. Like what I wanted was a binder, but I wanted to be a different person. Right, right, right.

Like I wanted the control and security and discipline of the Trapper Keeper lifestyle. Yeah, yeah. You know what I remember was being, I remember being in kindergarten and having one folder with one sheet of paper in my backpack. Yes. You know that feeling? You're like, you drew something and you like just have it in your one folder with one sheet of paper in my backpack. Yes. You know that feeling?

You're like, you drew something, and you like, just have it in your one folder in your little backpack. Like, that's all you got going on at that age. When I was in fourth grade, we would get assigned weekly reader homework. Do you remember weekly reader? Weekly reader homework. The weekly reader.

You'd have weekly reader, and there'd be a quiz on the back to be assigned it. I didn't care for it. That wasn't the same as like pizza party readings, right? You know that stuff. Did you ever do that? No, you read a lot of books and then you get pizza, right? This was a big American moment. Yeah, we didn't have that part of it. No, I would have loved it. I want it for you, but I would just, um, get the assignment and then just shove it in my desk,

just in the back of my desk. And then my teacher, Mrs. Burfus. What was the structure of this? You read a book and then you want it? You read basically a child's magazine and then you have to do the homework that comes with it. But I didn't want to do it. But this is fun? Generally it's fun or not? Not for me. What's the pitch?

I think it's just homework. I think it's learning. It's regular not for me. What's the pitch? I think it's just homework. I think it's learning. I think it's learning. It's regular homework for school. It's regular homework for school. And then Mrs. Burfus called my mom in for a meeting and my mother's like, well, another chance for a teacher to tell me how great Jonathan is. And she's like, this kid hasn't been doing homework for months.

My mother burst into tears. Whatever, she had to learn. Did you stay anti-home homework for most of your school? Well at a certain point in this time they figured out that I was seeing double all the time. And so that might have been a part of it. Oh wow. That's a big thing. Yeah.

So I had to go to eye therapy to get to see to see not double because I was due because it turned out that I was just really good at magic eyes and I was making everything them. You know, magic eyes and I was making everything them. You know, magic eyes. I didn't. Those weren't hard to me because it was just like you put them together. They go apart. You really? Yeah. Wow. Yeah. So I had to go to a special place like 30 minutes away and do like I exercise. So were your eyes? No, they didn't. You wouldn't know by looking at me. Wow.

I I conversely was always going to get eye exams because I wanted glasses so bad. No, they do you wouldn't know by looking at me Wow I Conversely was always going to get eye exams because I wanted glasses so bad and I still to this day have perfect vision I'm sorry. I do Wow Wow, I don't I just don't need glasses. I went to a restaurant the other day and it was the first time I was with a contemporary Who took out a flashlight to look at the menu. Oh my God. This happened the other night. I was like, Oh my God, this is it. It's starting. But we were at this place where it was like, it was very dark.

That's how you tell yourself. Is this okay? It's one candle? Yeah, that's how it starts. It's pitch black in here. And then you're just one step away from this. Yeah. Yeah. Erasers. Erasers know you're going to make some mistakes and that's okay.

You gotta give me something I really... Oh, oh, okay, okay. Go ahead, go ahead. Sorry. I'm an interrupter. I wouldn't kick them out of bed for leaving that weird crumbly gray eraser dust. What about you, Brian? I would not, no.

You're a no. You're a no on erasers. Well, I don't know if it gets sexier from here. They must. Next up, pencils. Maybe a dull pencil. A dull pencil. Yeah.

I think. I mean, definitely not, really. Right. No, well, I think it's more like kind of. It's more, no, sure. I think, definitely not really. Right. No, well, I think it's more like kind of- Honestly, I love these things. No, sure. I think it's more like the kind of-

The vibe. The vibe. It's like, does the vibe convey kind of sexual energy that you respond to? We'll find one. We'll find one. Pencils are a maybe. Next up, safety scissors. It's the bad boy of the school-

This is the closest so far. The bad boy of the school supply set, safety scissors are perfect for all your scissoring needs. Yeah, basically it's a yes. Look at the shape. Yeah, I like safety scissors. Though those weren't the kinds, I don't know, like this is like what the body composition I'm trying to like sort of, yeah, no, no, no, it is thin legs.

Yeah, not these scissors have been skipping leg day for sure, but the, but not us, not us. Yeah. Do you have any other thoughts? No, I'm totally open. Oh, that's fine. No thoughts. You can get a season two of this show? What's going to happen? I cannot.

You can't say? Because you know that I said this publicly. My publicist is a chase. No, we can, we can, I just will say this. If there's no season two, we march on FX. And then we get there and they say, we're not in charge. You got to go to Hulu. Then we go to the, then we go to Santa Monica and we're like, Hulu!

And they're like, it's actually still not us. You gotta go back to Disney. And now we're like, now we're going over the hill again. And now we're at Disney. And now we're like, are you in charge of this? And we're like, kind of. And it's like, what's going on in this business? You know, I don't feel, I'm feeling very grateful

for the reception and very excited and happy and ready to make as much more as I can. They better. Yeah, yeah. Those, those honchos, Those honchos up there, Mickey Mouse, who's ultimately in charge of all of this, and us. Isn't that funny? Mickey Mouse.

Yeah. What is the difference between Mickey Mouse and Steamboat Willie? Does anybody know? Are they the same person? Steamboat Willie just entered the public domain, right? OK, good. But are Steamboat Willie and Mickey Mouse the same person?

They are the same. It's an early iteration of Mickey Mouse, right? It's a bit like the ship of Theseus. You know, in a sense, like, steamboat Willie Mickey Mouse? Like how much does steamboat Willie change before it becomes a new thing? Like they've, they changed the nose, they changed the look, they changed the ears, they changed the name. It happens slowly, but now we're looking at Mickey Mouse. So it's like, that isn't steamboat Willie. And yet, yeah, we're like, this is not the same man, but then the same thing can be said of

people, right? Because we are, we, we change everything. All of our cells change over. And it's like, so we are just the kind of like our, our sort of getting the wrap up, the moral and ethical existence of us is really just, just our memories. Their memories are what make us culpable for our past. Do you think, do you think it's just our memories? The question really is, is there a soul? Well, I just think that like, if let's say you killed somebody, you know, you killed somebody and then your mind is white. It really is. You're white and you wake up the next day. You're just, you don't, you didn't, you're like,

how could my, what? I don't remember it. I had nothing to do with it. It wasn't me. It was something I didn't, didn't happen. I mean, we probably would just throw you in jail, but it's it would make us feel weird. You know, have you thought about that? Not really. No. Do you think that's something that you could teach next year? Yeah, get into some of these philosophies, philosophical philosophy. Would you major in in college acting?

Yeah. Oh, I'm just enjoying this silliness. When we come back, Reggie Watts is here. Everybody watch English Teacher. Watch English Teacher, binge English Teacher on Hulu. And we're back! My next guest has a song in his heart and hopefully on this stage, please put your hands together for Reggie Watts.

Hi, thank you for being here. You have such a lovely energy. Oh, thank you. Very soothing. Uh, well, I feel, I feel soothed. I feel, I feel, tonight I do. I think it's this, this space feels cozy, you know, when you walk in and you see a man entrenched in a book,

you know, with like a lamp and like there's books behind him when you first enter. No one's reading during the show. Oh yes, he is reading. He is indeed reading during the show. Well there is that. But perhaps he's the one that's just like emanating this kind of, you know, undulating, ah, it feels good back here. I feel okay. This is where I should be. This is where, yeah. Yeah, because I was listening the whole time just behind you guys, like sitting on the

stairs. So imagine if you erased the curtains. You were just there. I was just right there. And I felt that too. And okay, well, there we go. I think we're all responsible. Sucks. Now, and that's why I'm glad you're here. Because I could use some cheering up. Oh, yes, of course. Because I don't know if you've been seeing

what's been going on, but there's a new Star Wars trilogy coming out, and it's made me very nervous. It's made me very nervous. Are you excited about a new Star Wars trilogy? You ready for more? Mm-mm-mm-mm. Um, uh, yeah.

Yeah, uh, yes. I love... yes. Uh, interesting. I, I'm at the point now where I just can't be hurt again. You know, by, I've just been hurt by star wars a few too many times. Cinematically. I feel as though I've been punched in the face a few too many times. I'm a, I'm a rogue one girl.

I love rogue world with all my heart. I think rogue one is the greatest film they've made since the original star wars. That's my position. A hundred percent. You grew greatest film they've made since the original Star Wars. That's my position. 100%. You agree with that? 100%, are you kidding?

And it's self-contained, that's what made it so great. I know, it's amazing. They had to fucking finish that shit. Yeah, because of what happens. Because of what happens. No spoilers, yeah, we can do spoilers, probably. We're gonna do spoilers, because we love it. But why am I saying we?

This, I haven't been on the show till now, but maybe not again. Because of this, no, no, no. It's going so well. I say, thank you. I always say, if you want to know Star Wars, if you want to feel Star Wars, for real, you just watch Empire Strikes Back, Rogue One, and Andor.

Yeah. That's kind of, that's kind of it for me. For me. Yeah. Yeah. I would, I, I, I agree with that. It's like serious Star Wars. Yeah. You watched the original Star Wars, the first Star Wars, then Empire. Yes. They go right to Rogue One.

Yeah, that's right. Yeah. In order. Yes. And that's what, that's what I loved about it too. It was that moment just before Princess Leia gets captured. Like it's, it butts up right. But I just think that's that. I love that too. And also the, the, the, it is so rare that's that a movie will like, I think my problem with some of the Star Wars movies is they do fan service and like they import, they impute meaning into what didn't have meaning to create lore and that's what makes it feel like fan fiction. But in Rogue One, they took something that was sort of like a, wait a second, there's a hole in the Death Star and if you go poop poop, the whole thing goes up, that's dumb. And they made it, they actually made it part of the story. They gave it reason, they gave it a reason to Yes that it was actually a it was built there on purpose

It wasn't just a silly accident. Yeah, it wasn't a fluke and that was a very cool. Yes. Anyway, yeah agreed 100% and it just feels like and I'll just add very quickly I think it's that the thing is that it you feel like you're in that world, you know Yes, like Empire with the blank The thing is that you feel like you're in that world. You know? Like Empire with the blank, desolate, white, frosted landscape and these little dots on the horizon. And they're looking at these futuristic binoculars and it's kind of shaky.

It was like the first time I saw it when I was a kid. And I was like, what the fuck, oh shit, there's something out there, what the fuck is that? I don't know what that is. And then slowly you just find this reveal that there's these giant mechanized walking machines that are just lumbering, and there's nothing they can do about it.

But they're trying to like get ion cannons on board. They're just like, it's all this shit, and it's just impending. I'm like, what the fuck? That like created such an impact in my life. It was so cool. And then you find out that, oh man, these things, they thought everything except a rope.

They're vulnerable to the power of rope. It's like, what's this weakness? It's like, well, yeah, the rope, but also very tall. Very tall, too tall for a rope. We got them with ropes. Yeah, we got them with ropes. Sometimes you're too tall for a rope. So we didn't. We got him with ropes. Yeah, we got him with ropes. Sometimes you're gonna get him with ropes. I know, totally.

Hey. Listen, sometimes on this show now, we're just gonna talk about Star Wars for a while. Woo! Not gonna go to jail, not for that. So as I said, we're struggling these know, we're struggling these past couple of weeks and we would hope you'd help us cheer us up with a segment we're calling Singing in the Pain.

Oh. Well, all right. And here's how it works. I'm gonna share something I'm genuinely worried about staring down the barrel of 2025 and you'll improvise a little tune about the many wonderful things coming down the pike next year to give us a little boost.

Are you ready? Yes. First up, I am genuinely worried about the Trump administration scapegoating and coming for trans people. I'm worried about the implications of it. I'm worried about just the basics of access to gender-affirming care. I'm worried about just the basics of access to gender affirming care,

I'm worried about people feeling emboldened to target trans people, and I'm worried about an encroaching narrative that perhaps we have to moderate on some of these core values, and that makes me really nervous. Gotcha. in our lives. We always trying to wonder how we're going to survive. So many assholes, so many, many assholes, they're all so insecure.

They're gonna pick on somebody that don't even account for a fraction of the people that they see in the world they just the people that be feeling themselves so much more I feel it there are so many things that are going to suck really soon you gotta keep on living your life keep on keep keep on living your life keep on keep on keep on keep on keep on living your life That was cool. That was cool. That was awesome. How do you do that? How do you do that on your phone?

That's wild. I got lucky. A guy made a great little app. Now, I'm obviously worried about a lot of other things. I'm worried about mass deportations. I'm worried about this guy, Tom Homan, who is going to be the border czar. I'm worried about what RFK jr. might do if he becomes Health and Human Services secretary but I'm wondering if there's anything that you're looking forward to

that you could take us through perhaps in the Star Wars universe that might cheer us up. Got you yeah yeah let's let's's take a listen. Let's take a look. We'll take a lean and a listen. See what we got. Star horrors. Sorry, star horrors. Star horrors. Is that how you pronounce it? Yeah, star horrors. Star horrors. Star horrors. Star horrors. Star horrors. Yeah, it's like star is the stress. Star horrors. Star horrors. Yes. Star horrors. Star horrors. But you know, whatever people. Star wars. Star wars. Yeah, it's like stars the stress. Star wars. Star wars. Yes. Star wars.

But you know, whatever. Star wars. Whatever. Okay, here we go. I was too coming Been waiting for so long I couldn't stop feeling like I was living in a show Made me feel like I was watching something that was created in the 1980s Means a 1990s style filmmaking Yeah Can't fucking wait Can't fucking wait style filmmaking. Yeah, fucking way! God fucking way! That's right.

Because sure, all these things, terrible things are going to happen, but Andor Season 2 is also going to happen in 2025. No ifs, ands. We're also gonna have the second installment of the Mission Impossible movie. Finally. How, I mean, how are they gonna get out of that? It seems impossible.

It doesn't seem possible. That would just be great if he just dies like 30 minutes into the show and his team has to finish it. Do you ever see the movie Executive Decision starring Kurt Russell and Steven Seagal? I saw it way, way, way back. And basically it's colleagues that they have to get,

I believe, on Air Force One and they use a stealth bomber to attach to the bottom of the plane. In the first 15 minutes, Kurt Russell goes up into the new airplane. And then there's some kind of problem. And Steven Seagal goes, I'm not going to make it. Closes the door, dies. Fifteen minutes of the movie. We're like, wow, anything is possible.

Anything could happen in Executive Decision 1993. Did anybody else see that movie when Steven Seagal died? First 15 minutes, I never saw it. I have now. I need to. I know. I think I did see it, but I don't, I just, it was a long, long time ago. Oh, well it was important. It was a seminar. It was important for me because I didn't know they could do that. You didn't know that they were going to do that. Yeah. You can't do it normally. No, but they did it. And they're just like, it just like changes everything. And now we've got, you know, there's just so much, you know, what is your pin? What does your pin mean?

It has a little, it's a flag, like a, a, a plan. Yeah. Um, yeah, this is, it's like an ES five three Oh two. You can order these on gremlins.com, but this is a, uh, it's basically just like a sprout and I don't know why I was giving it, but it was at a, oh, you know what? It was at a health conference of some sort, and so they came out these little sprouts. It was like kind of like a reminder of nature. And so I thought, that's kind of cool, I like it.

I do like it. People put it in their hair usually though. Oh. Like little antennas or something. Like teleglubbies. You have such an interesting energy. There's like such warmth. There's such warmth.

When you came backstage, so before the show, Reggie comes backstage, he's like the lighting in here is bad and he turned off the overheads and then there's a vanity, there's like a vanity with mirrors, and he undid all the incandescent and fluorescent bulbs, or just the fluorescent ones to leave the incandescent ones, and then turned it on to make the room have more of a moodier lighting.

And I just thought, wow, to live in such, it reminded me that I never consider such things. I just kind of careen through existence, not thinking about the effect the lights are having on me or even considering how the feeling is. But you think about the feeling. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, I like it, you know,

I like the immersion of reality, you know? So it's like, I like if you go somewhere, you're like, if you could adjust it a little bit to just make it feel a little bit groovier, then why not? Right, and if you do that a little bit all the time, your life's a little bit groovier, then why not? Right, and if you do that a little bit all the time, your life's a little bit groovier all the time. And I'm just in white, bright, fucking fluorescent lights all the time.

Yeah, but you get shit done in ways that I wouldn't be able to do. You know? You think so. I think so. I think so. I think because I know, I have friends that are exactly like how you described yourself, like they do that. You know, I'm the so. I think so. I think because I know, I have friends that are exactly

like how you described yourself. Like they do that. And I'm the one like I'm chasing after, or like trying to get ahead and go, hey, how about this? And then they're like, ugh, whatever. But, and that's fine. But, and I get it, but they're usually people that kind of get shit done because they're

a little bit more focused on what needs to be accomplished. Do you feel a connection between your mind and your body? Yeah. Sure. I sure do. Wow. What's that like? Yeah. It's cool. I mean it's cool.

You know, it's like... Because my therapist says I don't have it. Really? Yeah, it's cool. I mean, it's cool. You know, it's like- Because my therapist says I don't have it. Really? She's like, oh, no, no, you have anxiety, you just don't know. Isn't that interesting? I haven't seen her in months.

That's- She texted me after the election to check in. Really? Didn't respond. Oh, wow. I will. Yeah. Yeah, I don't know.

I mean, I guess, you know, it's fun. It's fun to do it. You don't need to. I mean, obviously if you tried ketamine. No. Okay. Ketamine is very much just basically the more that you take, the more of just a piece of pure consciousness you become. So it's just, you're just perceiving, you forget the sensation of your body at all. And even the sensation of breathing. So you just, you kind of, and you might even notice it, and it might seem scary at first, like being able to breathe underwater. Do you worry, interesting, do you worry that if you take too much, you might start a super pack

in Pennsylvania? Yeah, but it'd be like a super pack, it'd be like people just like, just like roaming around the streets going. Oh, it's just a super, that's just a super pack. Yeah, totally. Just a super pack of guys. We are the best pack, the pack go round, we're so good, they call us super duper.

It's like, that's not what I meant. Sorry. These are nice, by the way. Oh, thank you. I absolutely love these. Thank you very much. They're a little dirty. Yeah, thank you. I absolutely love these. Thank you very much Yeah, a little dirty. Yeah, but you know, I have some shoes that have that kind of foam. It looks like styrofoam. Yeah Whatever that called soul thing

And they just get sturdy. There you go Maybe I'll try ketamine. Reggie Watts, thank you so much for being here. Stick around. We'll be right back. Don't go anywhere. This is Love It or Leave It, and there's more on the way. And we're back. One note.

If you're wondering what comes next, we're going to be back. We're going to be back. We're going to be back. We're going to be back. We're going to be back. We're going to be back. We're going to be back. We're going to be back. We're going to be back. We're going to be back. We're going to're back. One note.

If you're wondering what comes next after this election, there are two brand new episodes of Assembly Required with Stacey Abrams. She sits down with historian Heather Cox Richardson to explore how history can guide us. They cover fighting misinformation. They cover how to get involved post-election. Everybody check out Assembly Required, especially right now it's a very kind of reassuring guide for what could come next.

And Dan is walking through all of what we learned about the polls on Polar Coaster. If you become a Friend of the Pond subscriber on crooked.com slash friends. Okay, please welcome back to the stage, Brian Jordan Alvarez. Oh, he's up there. I was in the crowd.

All right. People magazine named John Krasinski this year, Sexiest Man Alive. In honor of them not giving a fuck, we're each going to spin the wheel to share a questionable act that we'll never apologize for or something we do in our daily lives that we won't apologize for, something we're just going to work with that, that we're just not apologizing for. All right.

And no one's going to make us feel regretful about it. Okay. Okay. And it'd be whatever you want of any scale, you know? Okay. I don't think you should confess to a crime, You know, we're going to spin a wheel. Oh, there's a wheel. There's a wheel.

It really just gives us an order. Never. That's a real wheel too. Yeah, no, it's real. We look great. Whoa. Reggie, it's landed on you. Okay.

What's something you're going to say? I have no regrets, no apologies. I, I do not. In this new era. I do not, yes, you're right, this is a new era. 2026. I'm not gonna apologize for being alive, okay? Because I'm not gonna do it. That's the OG thing to do.

I know it is the OG thing to do and I'm tired of it. My whole family did it and it's like I don't. Yeah, so I want to be that. I don't want to be. I don't want to do that anymore. Have you been doing that? I meant that being alive is the original thing to do. Oh yeah, it is. It is the original thing. It is. It is the original super OG. Yes. 100% step. At least step one. Yeah, I think. Yeah. Yes. Have I? Yes. Maybe, you know, like when you're like, I'm in the way. Yeah. Nobody wants to be around me. You know, like where you feel like really small and yeah,

you don't want to take up space. Yeah. You don't want to take up space and you feel like, um, I'm ruining everything or whatever it is. Like that kind of, that makes me feel like, Oh, what if I wasn't alive? You know, and you have those, like those, those thoughts of at least I don't know if they, but I've had those thoughts where I'm like, like Huckleberry Finn, right? Didn't he like fake his death? Right. And then he saw his own funeral. Yeah. And all that. And he went, surprise. It's me. Yeah. You're like, you'll see me again. That's like, that's so funny, Hawk.

So funny, so funny, that's cool, come on down. Well, it's like, you know, it's like, there's just those moments where I'm like, what if I didn't exist? And it's kind of like a romantic, kind of like an indulgent romantic feeling, but it is still in that ballpark. I think it'd be terrible if you didn't exist. Yeah. I think it'd be terrible if it didn't exist.

Yeah. I think it'd be terrible if any of us didn't exist. That's a lot to think about. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey.

Hey. Hey. Fuck. Whoa. Was that, that wasn't passive aggressive. That was just pressing the button. Well, I don't think I should share my deep thought now. It's landed on Brian. Okay, okay, okay.

I will not apologize for realizing that so many cleaning and moisturizing products are the same. And therefore, I will continue to not apologize for washing my body with shampoo any time I feel like it, and every day of my life putting body lotion in my hair, which is how I style my hair, with Vaseline Intensive Care Body Lotion, a very particular brand.

And people sometimes say, what's your hair routine? And I put body lotion on it. I mean, it's wet right now. I just came from the gym, but you use just moisturiser on your hair. Yeah. Yeah. But very specifically Vaseline Intensive Care, uh, body lotion. And you said that the reason you want to apologize for it is because these things are like other

things. What is the thing that you would be using if you weren't using that, that would be meant for hair? Uh, pomade, hair clay, hair gel, mousse. Or washing your body with body wash. I'm like, this is, come on, shampoo is so similar. I mean, if I have body wash, that's fine. But then you wouldn't use body wash on your hair

I have well we all have yeah, you all have I don't yeah that that is yeah more along the drying spectrum Because sometimes that's like 5050 sometimes it's like no big deal and then sometimes it's like you look fucked up that day Yeah, yeah for sure for sure. Yeah, that's cool. Did you see that? There was this guy that He ostensibly died in a kayaking accident. Um, and they searched for his body for months. And then a Tik Tok influencer posted that, uh, she was standing on the street saying, would you like advice? And this strange man that looks like this man who disappeared said, I need advice. Should I leave my family and run off to Uzbekistan to marry this beautiful woman? To some, and then, and she's like, but not,

and the person that gives advice is like, well, I think you need to figure out your marriage before you just do that. And then he's like, maybe. And then, and then he, then his kayak showed up. But then it turned out a day later, he went, he went through Canada and now they think he's somewhere in Europe, IE or I guess that's Asia. He's far away.

I don't know if he went to his Bekistan, but they think he ran that he faked his own death, faked his own death to get away from his family. Have you ever thought about doing that? I haven't. to get away from his family. Have you ever thought about doing that? No. I haven't. But I don't know if that really classifies as faking your own death. It sounds more like he just like, just went away.

Well, no, he left his wallet. It's like he turned, he left the kayak in the river, swam to the shore. Whoa. And then got out. He had a whole plan. Whoa. And had moved money around beforehand.

But then he's in a man on the street style TikTok? I think. I'm not, I just, I'm not. He's like suddenly on Billy on the street. I don't think, I don't think he was like functioning at a hundred percent in this period of time. He's tired. By this point he's tired. Remember when that governor, yeah, he's tired. Remember when that governor, yeah, he was tired. Remember when that governor ran off to South America because he'd fallen in love?

Yeah, Mark Sanford. He like, and then he like held a press conference and in the press conference, the reporters were like, and I think his wife was standing there, and the reporter was like, well, are you done? Are you gonna like end this and just come back and are you ready to apologize? He's like, I'm not sorry.

And I'm in love with this woman. And love is the most amazing thing that's ever happened to me. Yeah, he blew up his whole life. See, but that could also be the positive plot of a romance movie. Absolutely. Absolutely. Like in the movie, in Tootsie, how Terry Gart just

gets totally fucked, you know? And treated like shit. But she's not the hero, so whatever. I don't remember the plot of Tootsie well enough. Oh, he dresses up like a lady that I know that I know That's really all you need to know. I just remember them being like, what is it zoom out? How far Ohio? Yeah, that's it. Yeah, something like that. I don't remember either Let's spin it again. It has landed on me. Oh shit.

And you know what? I'm going to just assert this now because I don't know what the future holds. I'm not apologizing for liking Diet Coke. I'm going to keep drinking Diet Coke. I don't know what's in it. I'll never know. I'm sure it's doing terrible things to me over time. Let those things happen.

And if RFK Junior starts getting in there, all right, project number one, most important, don't touch the vaccines. And that's the focus. Nothing else really matters. But if he starts fucking with aspartame if he's and I got to start dealing with fucking stevia and all the other also rants in the alternate sugar game no I say no it's one thing to take away the MMR vaccines all right but I already got those I need an unlimited continuous

supply of diet coke what do you think of coke zero I think I think it's great in a pinch I think it's great in a pinch but it's not much prefer diet coke diet coke and yeah I'm a zero I think zero tape well it tastes shockingly similar to regular Coke. That's what I love about it. Diet Coke is a whole different drink. Yeah, Diet Coke is- Almost unrelated.

It's weird if you haven't had Diet Coke for a while and you come back to it, it's like, I don't know what is happening. I don't know who you are. Yeah, you gotta get your- So true. You gotta get your body used to that kind of a thing. You gotta get it.

You gotta, you're right, you gotta. This is again, I don't even wanna say these things. I'm afraid they'll get on RFK Jr.'s radar. But as you all know, I do eat cookie dough by the bag from the supermarket. It's part of my life. Yum. And I did have people over for dinner the other night

and we had a lovely dinner and they said, should we walk and go get ice cream together? And I said, or. Crazy bitch, do you want cookie dough from my fridge? And everybody's nice because you just gave them dinner so what are they gonna say? No, they can't. And I said, no, no, no, let's just eat raw cookie dough.

And they're like, I guess we'll try it. And they took a bite and they're like, this tastes like chemicals. And I'm like, no, it doesn't. Doesn't. You never get worried about the raw egg in there. Aren't there big warnings? Such an important point. They've solved it. Capitalism is good. They solved it. The Toll House raw, raw egg can't eat it.

Oh, cause they sell cookie dough now for eating. Yeah, they do. They do, which is why, which is how we, yeah, it's eating dough, which is, which is how we won the Cold War. A top down planned economy won't get you there. It won't get you there. You need, you need, you need entrepreneurial minds with the profit motive, with the profit motive. And the profit motive is where I leave us tonight One more time for Reggie Watts Brian Jordan Alvarez

And we're back Now it's time for Joyride We just need one Silly distracting fun thing that gave you a little bit of joy this week. What do you got? I'm coming to you. So one of my co-workers was out of town for a couple weeks getting married on honeymoon. We all got bored and decided to gift wrap everything on his desk and around his desk. Bubble wrapped his chair and all that and he came back Tuesday and had to unwrap it all. Wow. I'm happy that in this dark time,

a bit of needless waste and... brought you that tiny piece of joy. It was, it was, and I'm glad you had that. Alright, that is our show. Thank you to Reggie Watts. Thank you to Brian Jordan Alvarez. Thank you to the lyric. Have a great night. See you next week, everybody.

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