Lovett or Leave It - Freaks and Leaks
Episode Date: March 29, 2025The Atlantic posts the receipts, Kristi Noem goes full Viet Cong, and Tulsi Gabbard either lied to Congress or needs a doctor. Plus Barbie Ferreira and Jared Goldstein join to talk theater etiquette, ...social media insecurities, and the moments in our lives when we fired off errant texts of our own.For a closed-captioned version of this episode, click here. For a transcript of this episode, please email transcripts@crooked.com and include the name of the podcast.Upcoming shows: crooked.com/events
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the rising right-wing authoritarian government that's unfolding at a college campus near
you.
That's why I love and highly recommend you check out the Bullwork podcast.
I'm a listener, John's a listener.
Love the Bullwork podcast.
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It's hosted by our friend Tim Miller, who's a former Republican operative turned anti-Trump
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He did what a lot of people were too chicken shit to do, which is tell the truth about
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Not a lot of Republicans were righteous and moral enough to do that.
And the people at the Bullwork are doing really, really great work. And their podcast features a wide range of guests from across the political spectrum.
They have some Democrats, they have some Republicans, they have some Republicans who are surprisingly
now cheering on AOC.
If you told them a few years ago that that's what they're doing, I think they'd be pretty
surprised.
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your podcast. We've got a great show for you tonight. Star of stage and screen, Barbie Ferreira is here. Jared Goldstein is back.
Then we wrap it all up by lowering our defenses and sharing a text gone wrong.
But first, let's get into it.
What a week!
On Monday, The Atlantic's editor-in-chief, Jeffrey Goldberg, reported one of the wildest stories of our time.
He had accidentally been added to a Signal group chat where U.S. national security leaders were planning military strikes in Yemen.
Part of what makes this so incredible is that Trump fucking hates The Atlantic.
It'd be like if someone on my team accidentally looped in Samuel Alito.
Why was Supreme Court Justice Samuel Alito in your contacts,
Hallie?
The group congratulated each other
following the strike with National Security Advisor
Michael Waltz sending three emojis, fist, American flag,
fire.
Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth replied with a martini emoji, followed by five more martini
emojis, followed by car emoji.
The bad sign.
The shocking lapse led to outrage amongst national security experts and Democrats.
Here's Pete Buttigieg.
And to see this administration claiming that it cares about competence and merit, and then
be responsible for an epic fuckup like this demonstrates that these are not serious people.
How dare you say we're not serious.
We're deadly serious about the deal you can get on a new Tesla," said Donald Trump.
Hillary Butter emails Clinton, posted the article with an eyeballs emoji writing,
You have got to be kidding me.
Then the usher at Ann Juliet told her to put her phone away.
But it was worth it.
Republicans, meanwhile, vacillated between the mildest of criticisms and declaring the
whole fiasco a hoax.
House Speaker Mike Johnson called the signal chat a mistake, but when asked whether Walz
and Hegsas should be disciplined, replied, no, no, of course not.
There's no reason to discipline these men, Johnson continued, a little lump in his throat. There's no reason to teach these boys a lesson.
A little strange.
In a press conference the next day, Johnson said of Waltz,
he was born for the job, he is highly qualified.
The president said he has total confidence in him
and we do as well.
And this man, this man was born to be a surgeon,
said Mike Johnson, watching a guy drop a kidney on the floor
then kick it across the OR and then when he tries to grab it he accidentally knocks the IV out of a patient's arm
sending a streak of blood across the faces of several gobsmacked nurses.
Hegseth was asked about the story on Monday and said this.
Can you share how your information about war plans
against the Houthis in Yemen was shared with the journalists
in the Atlantic and were those details classified?
So you're talking about a deceitful
and highly discredited so-called journalist
who's made a profession of peddling hoaxes time and time again.
Hegseth continued,
Please write down that I shared classified information with someone who is bad.
Also at this point the White House has admitted that the group chat is real.
It's too late to say a hoax.
The hoax ship has sailed and you've leaked its coordinates.
Trump reportedly is fuming in private but tried to play down the whole mess in public.
The main thing was nothing happened. The attack was totally successful.
It was, I guess, from what I understand, took place during and it wasn't classified information.
So this was not classified. Now if it's classified information, it's probably
a little bit different. But I always say you have to learn from every experience.
That's that wise, that wise energy we always get from Donald Trump. It's not about how
much you make, it's about what you learn. It's about being curious. That's what he's
always said, you know? Think of every job opportunity as a chance to learn
and grow in your field.
It was an honest mistake sharing classified attack plans
with a random journalist on a group thread
using an insecure platform while several of the participants
were out of the country, including in Russia,
on personal devices that are almost certainly compromised
in a way that could have gotten Americans killed.
But it's not dangerous, like publishing an op-ed
critical of Israel in a college newspaper.
That shit should destroy your life.
By delightful coincidence, five of the nation's top
intelligence officials, including director of
national intelligence Tulsi Gabbard and CIA director
John Ratcliffe, both of whom are on the Signal Group Chat,
were already scheduled to appear before the Senate
Intelligence Committee on Tuesday.
Gabbard claimed not to recall any discussion of specific weapons targets or timing
and refused to answer if she joined the chat from her personal phone or government phone.
Were you overseas during any parts of these discussions?
Yes, Senator, I was.
Were you using your private phone or public phone for the signal discussions?
I won't speak to this because it's under review.
This is the review.
You're at it.
Look around.
You're being asked questions in front of a congressional committee that oversees your
agency.
If you're meeting with HR and they're asking, did you take all the baby bell cheeses from
the office kitchen home with you, you can't say this is not the time or the place.
Babe, it's the time. It's the place. Where's our fucking cheese?
Later on Tuesday, Waltz went on Fox News and took full responsibility for accidentally
adding a journalist to the signal chat. I'm kidding of course, he said this.
How did a Trump hating editor of the Atlantic end up on your signal chat?
You know Laura, I'm not a conspiracy theorist but of all the people out there, somehow this
guy who has lied about the president, who has lied to Gold Star families, lied to their attorneys, and
gone to Russia hoax, gone to just all kinds of links to lie and smear the
president of the United States and he's the one that somehow gets on somebody's
contact and then gets sucked into this group.
Bitch, do you think Jeffrey Goldberg is the Riddler?
When Prez Waltz offered this explanation of how Goldberg wound up in the chat.
You don't know what staffer is responsible for this right now?
Well, look, a staffer wasn't responsible.
But how did the number get in the chat?
Have you ever had somebody's contact that shows their name and then you have somebody else's number there?
Oh, I never make those mistakes.
Right? You've got somebody else's number
on someone else's contact.
So of course I didn't see this loser in the group.
It looked like someone else.
Now, whether he did it deliberately
or it happened in some other technical mean
is something we're trying to figure out.
Totally. One quick follow-up.
What?
What? What?
What?
What?
Jeff is a middle-aged journalist from the Atlantic.
I think if you told him right now that to get a big scoop
he had to sign and return a PDF over email,
you've got like a 50-50 shot.
What are you talking about?
Also, you're a 51-year-old man calling somebody a loser
because you fucked up.
Jeffrey Goldberg did nothing wrong.
You are lucky that he was incredibly responsible.
He didn't report it before the mission.
He redacted the portions that were classified until you claimed they weren't.
You should be thanking Jeffrey Goldberg.
It's not his fault.
He's saving your phone as NewsJew and then his name popped up when you tried to add WarJew
to the chat. But these bumbling ovs can't even agree on a lie.
Here's Donald Trump just hours later claiming that it was a staffer who was responsible.
What it was, we believe, is somebody that was on the line with permission of somebody
that was with Mike Walsh, worked for Mike Walsh at a lower level, had, I guess Goldberg's number,
were called through the app,
and somehow this guy ended up on the call.
So first of all, he thinks it's a call.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Well, I'll tell you, it sounds like we need a fewer
let's bomb Yemen signal chats, and a few more
let's get our fucking story straight Google meets.
After Trump and national security officials denied that classified information was shared
in the signal chat, Goldberg on Wednesday published a text that he had initially withheld,
writing, people should see the text in order to reach their own conclusions.
Hell yeah, more like Hefe Goldberg.
Anyway, here are the texts Hegcess sent in a signal chat with a journalist in it
before the US attacked Huthi targets.
Time now.
1144 ET.
Weather is favorable.
Just confirmed with CENCOM we are go for missile launch.
1215 ET.
F-18's launch.
First strike package.
1345 trigger based.
F-18 first strike window starts.
Target terrorist is at his known location.
So should be on time.
Also strike drones launch.
MQ-9s.
Look, I don't know all the rules about what's classified and what's not,
but I do know that if Philip and Elizabeth Jennings got a hold of this kind of information
on an episode of The Americans, Margot Martindale would come in her pants.
Hegseth continued, 14-10, more F-18s launch, second strike package.
14-15, strike drones on target.
This is when the first bombs will definitely drop.
Hegseth is trying to impress the group chat like he's the brother of the groom trying
to fit in during the bachelor weekend.
You know what I'm saying?
Like, no business.
That information did not need to be shared.
He seemed like he wanted
to seem cool in front of his new friends. Let's also, now we just heard that level of detail,
right? Let's circle back to that Senate hearing for a moment. Was there any mention, Ms. Gabbard,
of a weapon or weapons system? I don't recall specific weapons systems being named. I'm not talking about specific any weapon or weapon system.
I don't recall specific names
of systems or weapons being used.
I think I understand what's happening.
If you have a question about weapons stuff,
you have to ask Gabbard's any.
I will say, Gabbard claiming not to recall messages
she got two weeks ago is credible
to me.
Gabbard feels like one of those people with 300 unread texts.
You forget she's even in the group chat until she pops up three days later with a, great
job in Yemen everyone, I lost my phone at the Kremlin lol.
Following Goldberg's release of the damning specifics, intelligence officials were back
in Congress to do some cleanup.
Here's Tulsi again.
My answer yesterday was based on my recollection or the lack thereof on the details that were
posted there.
I was not and what was shared today reflects the fact that I was not directly involved
with that part of the Signal Chat.
So it's your testimony that less than two weeks ago,
you were on a signal chat that had all of this information
about F-18s and MQ-9 Reapers and targets on strike,
and you in that two week period
simply forgot that that was there.
That's your testimony?
My testimony is I did not recall the exact details
of what was included there.
Totally.
One quick follow up.
Huh?
Hegseth, for his part, continued to deny that any classified information was shared in the
chat.
Nobody's texting or plans.
There's no units, no locations, no routes, no flight paths, no sources, no methods, no
classified information. And furthermore, no methods, no classified information.
And furthermore, I did not have a drink.
There's no bitters, no vermouth, no schnapps, no olives, no lemon peels, no maraschino cherries.
You accuse me of drinking, but where are the maraschino cherries?
Hegseth moves the pond diagonally seven spaces, knocking over a rook and the bishop
before resting next to the queen.
Checkmate, bitches.
A defense official familiar with the operation
told reporters that the information Hegseth disclosed
was indeed highly classified when he disclosed it
and could have put lives at risk because the operation hadn't even begun.
But you knew that.
You knew that because you have never read in the newspaper that American F-18s will
be on their way to bomb something in two hours.
You have only heard about it after the fact because you do not have a security clearance
and you are not Atlantic Editor-in-Chief Jeffrey Goldberg.
Attorney General Pam Bondi on Thursday did her part as a Trump lackey, opposing an investigation
and claiming that the details of forthcoming strikes in Yemen were not classified.
If you want to talk about classified information, talk about what was at Hillary Clinton's home
that she was trying to bleach bit.
Talk about the classified documents in Joe Biden's garage that Hunter Biden had access
to.
Yeah, we talked about that.
Now we're talking about this.
Because this just happened.
We talk about new stuff more than the old stuff,
because we already talked about the old stuff.
In 2016, we talked about Arrival and her emails.
In 2025, we're talking about Severance,
and we're talking about this.
It's neither here nor there, but Pam Bondi is 59.
She looks incredible.
It's kind of terrifying, actually.
Most of Trump's goons slowly look on the outside
like they do on the inside.
These sort of barely upright, screeching gargoyles
or vaguely like Ellen Burstyn
in the third act of Requiem for a Dream.
Anyway, just watch this space.
Speaking of defying the laws of God and man, on Monday, the Justice Department once again refused Anyway, just watch this space.
Speaking of defying the laws of God and man, on Monday the Justice Department once again
refused to provide Judge James Boasberg additional information about two flights of Venezuelan
immigrants sent to El Salvador in violation of his temporary ban.
In their response to his request, Bondi, along with Secretary of State Marco Rubio and Homeland
Security Secretary and former dog owner Cristi Noem invoked the state's
secrets privilege, claiming that revealing flight details would potentially threaten
national security.
So I guess we all now sit tight and wait for somebody to accidentally add Maggie Haverman
to the deportation slag.
On Monday, a DC appeals court heard arguments about the Trump administration's use of the
Alien Enemies Act for these deportations.
Said federal appeals judge Patricia Millett,
there were plain loads of people.
There were no procedures in place to notify people.
Nazis got better treatment under the Alien Enemies Act.
And you should see how they treat the Nazis now.
Added Millett, y'all could have picked me up on Saturday
and thrown me on a plane thinking I'm a member of Trend Day or Agua
and given me no chance to protest it and say somehow it's a violation
of presidential war powers for me to say excuse me no I'm not I'd like a hearing.
And don't write that down in your planner I can see council writing that down.
Give them any ideas.
On Wednesday Noam toured El Salvador's Terrorism Confinement Center, the 40,000-inmate prison where Trump has sent the Venezuelans,
like she does every month to relax and unwind.
Only this time, a film crew was there.
During her visit, Noem posed in front of dozens of shirtless men
with shaved heads made to stand behind her for the photo op.
I also want everybody to know if you come to our country illegally,
this is one of the consequences you could face.
Having to meet me, Kristi Noem.
illegally. This is one of the consequences you could face. Having to meet me, Kristi Noem.
She posed in front of Salvadorian prisoners held indefinitely by the right-wing government there,
not the Venezuelans the administration claims are gang members nor the several people the
administration has kidnapped even though they had applied for immigration status through legal
means and seem to only be guilty of having unrelated tattoos, including this tattoo about
autism awareness. On the bright side, a lot of guys in Trende or Agua are going to be a little bit more aware of autism.
Those hostages were never given a chance to notify family or call lawyers or speak to a judge,
and have no idea that right now there are people fighting for their freedom.
They're just trapped in an Orwellian nightmare with no visitors or ways to communicate with the outside world
in a country that is not their own with no end in sight. Punchline TBD.
Now Republicans are trying to claim that by talking about this or being upset about this
we're falling into a trap. No, we already fell in the trap. The election was a big pit
covered with fucking leaves and we fell in it and we don't totally know how to get out.
But I'm casting my lot with the people clawing at the walls,
not the people sitting in the center,
hoping somebody else will figure it out.
Punchline TBD.
On Friday, Columbia University caved to the Trump administration,
which had demanded a number of policy changes
in order to restore $400 million in unrelated federal funding.
This includes placing the curriculum and hiring decisions of the university's Middle East
Studies Department, among several others, in control of a new provost.
Also, Women and Gender Studies is now called the Ugly Woke Bitches Department.
It's too far.
It's too far.
Remember when conservatives worried about free speech on campus?
You would think they might notice that the president determining hiring decisions in
particular departments of a private university might be some kind of an infringement on free
inquiry, free association, and freedom of speech.
And yet they don't seem to care.
Isn't that amazing?
Isn't that amazing that after all these years about hearing about the threat to free speech on campus, it turns out it was students yelling.
That was a threat, not the federal government telling a university in Manhattan no less,
who can be in charge of various departments, setting policy. The President of the United
States, who should be busier, is basically making himself a board member of Columbia University,
making specific policy decisions about what happens on this private campus.
And Columbia, this institution of higher learning, this American institution, as old as the country,
supposedly a defender of liberal values, small l liberal values, basic free inquiry, the
freedom of expression, of curiosity,
of intellectual enterprise, they fucking cave.
They fucking cave, which means they're more afraid
of Trump than they're afraid of their alumni,
than they're afraid of their faculty,
than they're afraid of their students.
I wonder if they're right,
because right now it seems like they're right.
It seems like they're right to be more afraid of Trump
than they are of the people,
because there were a lot of protests at Columbia last year.
Where are the protests now?
Donald Trump is daring us.
Every day he's daring us.
And I'm, look, I'm part of it.
I'm part of the, I care about this,
I pay attention to this, but I'm part of the problem
because every day I treat like a normal day,
I'm being part of the problem, all of us do.
And there's nothing wrong with that.
We have to live our lives.
But he is doing just enough.
He is going dark enough. He is going far enough just to the edge of where it would be unacceptable for us to have a normal night. But we all do, right? We pay attention. We think the news is
howling. Let's talk about something else. We're all doing that. We're all doing it every day. I'm not
saying we're wrong. I'm not judging it. I'm doing the same thing. But how much worse does it have to
get before it feels strange to just be in a restaurant? I'm doing the same thing. But how much worse does it have to get before it feels
strange to just be in a restaurant?
It's not that much worse.
But he knows that, they know that.
Maybe it's purposeful, maybe it's the luck of this kind of
reckless, haphazard way of doing business.
Maybe it's the combination of their malevolence
and incompetence, but they are doing just enough to scare us,
to threaten us, but to let us at night
turn on our fucking Real Housewives, right,
and turn our brains off,
and to have the normal parts of our lives, right,
to plan a trip over the summer, to plan a wedding.
And I don't know how much longer that can go on,
but right now, those of us that that are paying attention are wondering why
so many others who aren't paying attention don't think it's so bad. And a
little bit of that is on us. And I don't know what it's gonna take and I don't
know how bad it gets before we could wake up, but the test for all of us is
gonna be what it looks like when we actually actually wake up. And I don't
know what the answer is, but I think it starts by wondering what it will take for institutions,
even the craven, feckless, pathetic,
valueless institutions are more scared of us
than they are of Donald Trump.
Because right now they are correct
to be more scared of Donald Trump.
And at some point that has to change.
And I don't know what it looks like,
but it has to change.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I'll tell you one place where we're trying to change it is, so I went to Wisconsin just
to kind of knock on doors, be part of these canvases to see what's happening there as
they're fighting the Supreme Court race.
And one of the reasons it's so important is Elon Musk has dropped $13 million into this
Wisconsin Supreme Court race.
Why?
So that they can install a MAGA guy on the Supreme Court,
someone that will rule in must's favor.
They have a lawsuit in Wisconsin,
but also somebody that if they challenge elections,
that they have a favorable court,
someone that'll put back in place an abortion ban,
someone that will make sure
that they don't have fair maps in Wisconsin.
Wisconsin had this gerrymandered,
both assembly map and congressional map.
Wisconsin, 50-50 state, famously.
It goes back and forth, right?
They have six Republican members of Congress and two Democrats. Six, two. It's a 50-50 state, famously, it goes back and forth, right? They have six Republican members of Congress and two Democrats.
Six, two.
It's a 50-50 state.
Why?
Because the supermajority in the Republican legislature drew those maps.
And we finally have a chance, we have a progressive majority on that court that just put in place
fair assembly maps.
It allowed Democrats to pick up a bunch of seats and break that supermajority.
The same thing could happen for the congressional maps.
Not saying Republicans won't, they'll be able to win their seats.
It just won't be as unfair.
They'll have to fight for them.
And they don't want that.
They want to take back that court.
And right now, a bunch of Republicans in that state and a bunch of Republicans across the
country are watching.
What's going to matter more?
Is it going to be people being angry at what Musk and Trump are doing?
Or is it going to be Musk's money that wins the day?
Because if the money wins, then all these House members who are going to have to decide
whether or not to vote for reconciliation are going to have to decide whether or not to vote for reconciliation, are going to have to decide
whether or not to vote for tax cuts for billionaires and Medicaid cuts, even though it's bad for their
constituents. They have to decide, what are they more afraid of? Are they afraid of Musk dropping
money on their heads in a primary and standing with their voters? Or are they going to stick with Musk,
have Musk money in the fall of 2026 to protect them from the
wrath of voters when they do something awful for their district.
And what's happening in Wisconsin is one of the first big tests of that, which is why
if you're hearing this and you have friends in Wisconsin, text them, text anyone you know
who lives in Wisconsin to make sure they turn out and vote for Judge Susan Crawford to protect
abortion, protect democracy and stop Elon Musk from buying an election.
If you want to do something in the last days, this election is on Tuesday, April 1st, go
to Vote Save America and sign up.
We have to win this.
If we want to turn the tide, it's going to start there.
Okay.
And it was great, by the way.
And if anybody listening to this came out, it was great to see you.
It's also, by the way, anyone listening, find one of these events, go to these town halls,
go to these gatherings where Republicans
aren't having town halls.
We have to get out of our houses,
we have to get off our phones, we have to be among people.
The phones are a big part of the problem.
Expecting to think we can solve this
from our fucking screens is the problem.
So if you're hearing this, go to votesaveramerica.com,
find a town hall, get out of your house,
go be among people.
Solidarity is not just about politics, it's about the kind of communities we live in,
the society we live in.
You can't make it at home.
So please, please, please go to Vote Save America
and sign up, all right.
On Wednesday, thank you, whatever.
That's great.
On Wednesday, a video of Tufts student
and Turkish national, Rumeza Ozturk,
being arrested by masked ICE agents hit the internet.
First, you only get into tufts.
And then this.
That's all right.
On Thursday, Marco Rubio confirmed that OzTurk's F1 visa had been revoked for her activism.
Here's what he told reporters.
Every country in the world has a right to decide who comes in as a visitor and who doesn't. Well, we're going to do the same thing if you come into the United States as a visitor
and create a ruckus for us. We don't want it. We don't want it in our country. Go back and do it
in your country, but you're not going to do it in our country. So there's no evidence she was actually
involved in any of what he criticized. He talked about vandalism, arrest, occupying buildings. She
wrote in op-ed and others who might share that opinion were a party
to a ruckus. What the fuck is a ruckus? What's the standard here? You are associated with a ruckus?
You are loosely affiliated with a ruckus? Can you be deported for a hullabaloo? Can you be arrested
by plain clothes officers for having attended a brouhaha? To put this in context, Axios reported
Thursday that the Trump administration is considering
banning all foreign students from schools that it has deemed as having too many students
who are, in their words, pro-Hamas, and officially even threaten the possibility of decertifying
colleges and universities altogether.
And then what happens?
Where'd all the late bloomers go to lose their virginity?
Trade schools?
Those kids all fucked in high school.
Speaking of people that did not fuck in high school, Vice President JD Vance said to Sir
that he will accompany his wife Usha on a visit to Greenland later this week, after
the announcement of her trip was met with criticism.
This was supposed to be a girl's trip, screamed Ramona over a Pinot Grigio.
On Wednesday, the Vances reportedly changed their travel itinerary, limiting their trip
to Greenland's only American military-based U.S. Space Force outpost, Pidafek.
Oh yes, you simply must go to Pidafek in the spring.
I've heard they have an incredible Domino's Pizza.
Said Danish Foreign Minister Lars Rasmussen,
I actually think it's very positive that the Americans are canceling their visit to the
Greenlandic community.
They will instead make a visit to their own base, Pitefik, and we have nothing against
that.
You can't tell because the Danish people are so polite, but he just told JD Vance to kill
himself.
According to a Danish journalist, American officials knocked on doors in Nook ahead of
the Vance's visit to find local families open to welcoming the second lady but found no
takers.
But, but of course they don't.
They don't have any powers until you invite them in.
Has no one seen Buffett?
They were all invited.
They were seniors.
Oh, you're talking about the show?
I'm only talking about the movie.
People talking about the show.
I'm only talking about the movie.
Movies fuck.
Great.
Here at home, the White House has invited corporations to sponsor its Easter egg roll
next month, asking companies to pay between $75,000 and $200,000 for branded snacks, logo placements at the event, and for the biggest spenders,
tickets to have brunch with Melania. And get this, $500,000 gets you dinner with Don Jr.
And for a million, you can skip it. In the White House's defense,
doing this kind of sponsorship was the only way they could afford to buy that many eggs.
doing this kind of sponsorship was the only way they could afford to buy that many eggs. It's about prices.
Pope Francis, who is still alive, made his first public appearance
on Sunday before being discharged from the hospital where he has spent the last five weeks being treated for pneumonia.
He's doing great.
It's wonderful news for the Pope.
Terrible news for my Pope pool.
I don't have a Pope pool.
The head of the Pope's medical team told reporters that the Pope came so close to death at one
point that his doctors considered stopping treatment to let him die in peace.
But in response, Pope Francis said, no. No.
I'm all right here.
It's not Italian.
DoorDash.
DoorDash announced a new partnership with Klarna,
which will allow users to pay for their food and installments over time.
Using a payment plan to buy a cold cheeseburger delivered by a school teacher trying to make
rent?
That's the second ingredient on the New York Times cooking app recipe for perfectly al dente
Luigi's.
From building a recipe over time.
You have to listen over many episodes to understand the recipe.
In other financial news about companies taking advantage of people when they're
literally out of cash, the Senate voted to stop the Consumer Financial
Protection Bureau from capping overdraft fees to $5. The rule could have
saved hundreds of dollars for people who overdrew their accounts, but the bank
successfully lobbied Republicans to keep their overdraft fees coming, which brought almost $6 billion in revenue in 2023.
Just want to say so far, we're getting a lot more national than we're getting socialism,
maybe ask me.
I thought they'd sprinkle in a little more Z in with the nah.
You know what I'm saying?
It's a lot of nah.
Not enough Z.
It's the whole promise. Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah,
nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah,
nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah,
nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah,
nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, Kermit the Frog. You find trying light stories.
Kermit the Frog will deliver the commencement address at the University of Maryland this
spring.
Kermit was a last minute replacement after they originally had booked Animal, who had
to step down from the gig due to a series of racist and anti-Semitic messages he left
in the comments section of NudeAfrica.com.
Strange.
And finally, the Washington Post wrote an ode to the Centennial Bulb,
an incandescent light bulb that has been burning since 1901
and has only been turned off a few times in its 124-year lifespan,
each time with the assistance of 32 Pollocks.
each time with the assistance of 32 Pollocks.
It seems like just yesterday, I was screwing it in for the first time,
reminisced Joe Biden.
All right, up next, it's Barbie Ferreira. Hey, don't go anywhere. There's more of Love It or Leave It coming up.
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And we're back.
She's got hundreds of outfits, dozens of jobs, and Wikipedia says she was born in 1959.
Put your elbow-less arms together for the iconic Barbie Ferreira.
I like that.
1959.
Thank you for being here.
Of course.
Thank you for having me.
So you're in a new dramedy.
Yes, I am.
Which is a drama with jokes.
Got a couple of jokes. I don't think I've ever seen a drama with jokes. Thank you for being here. Of course, thank you for having me. So you're in a new dramedy.
Yes, I am.
Which is a drama with jokes.
Got a couple of jokes.
I don't think any of the jokes are on purpose.
Like you're kind of, we were by accident funny
in the whole movie.
They emerged from character.
Yes, darling.
Yes, darling, exactly.
That's how you know they're good.
Yeah.
It's called Bob Trovino Likes It.
I like that, I like that. I'm just letting you know they're good. Yeah. It's called Bob Trovino Likes It. Mm-hmm.
Woo!
I like that, I like that.
It's a movie about how Facebook can be good sometimes.
Yeah.
Do you agree?
Do I agree?
I mean, it's gotta be.
It's inspired by a true story,
so I think the director would say yes.
I haven't had a Facebook since I was 14,
which was like two years ago, so I wouldn't know.
I got locked out of my Facebook somewhere around 2017.
Mm-hmm, probably for the best.
And I can't get back in.
You can't get back in?
No.
How do you do marketplace?
How do you do Facebook marketplace?
I don't.
You don't?
No, I just drive around with my pickup truck
looking for stuff.
You just give it out for free.
Listen, people do that, okay?
Yeah, I know, but not me.
I grew up in New York in the 90s.
I had bedbugs in Queens, baby. We don't do that anymore okay? Yeah, I know, but not me. I grew up in New York in the 90s. I had bed bugs in Queens, baby.
We don't do that anymore.
You had bed bugs?
Well, it was Queens in the 90s.
Who didn't?
Yeah, everybody had bed bugs.
There were bed bugs at the AMC Times Square, I believe.
I don't want to get sued for defamation.
And Bob Cuvino is not showing in that theater right now, so...
It was a long time ago.
Okay, good, good, good.
It was a long time ago.
I think they figured it out.
I really hope so.
When I lived in New York, I would, in the middle of the day,
go to McDonald's.
And I'd wear cargo shorts.
And I'd put a Big Mac in my left pocket.
And I'd put the fries in the right pocket.
And then I'd go to the movies.
Oh, genius, genius, genius, genius.
I like bring a whole bag.
If I'm going alone, I'll bring a little yogurt,
a little bit different than McDonald's,
but a little bit classier.
But we'll see, we'll see.
But I have my little snacks in there,
and I'm trying not to be loud,
but I think they catch it on.
Yogurt at the movies?
I did, I did.
It was a bit too much.
But I was having a great time.
I think it was everything everywhere all at once,
and I was crying with a wooden spoon and my glass yogurt.
Oh, no plastic, that's good.
Yeah, no, I'm great.
I'm a good person.
You don't do plastic?
Do you have a wooden spoon?
Is it your wooden spoon or one of those disposable ones?
Are we using like a...
It was a reusable one.
Okay.
Like a mixing spoon.
Well, no.
I'm picturing a mixing spoon.
I believe it was from a farm shop in New Mexico, actually.
The yogurt?
No, the spoon.
But yeah, if you want. Have you ever been worried about being catfished
yeah I'm sure I have been oh I just haven't like seen it oh it's just
ongoing well the question because because I guess if you never find out
that you were catfished were you that? That's a really good question. Well, there's like a philosophical experiment.
Pfft.
So let's say, okay, you were deciding whether or not
to take the bus or the train on a trip, okay?
And unbeknownst to you, the bus had broken down.
You just never, you didn't know that,
but the bus had broken down.
If you had decided to take the bus
and gone to the bus station, there was no bus.
There was only the train.
So even if you had chosen the bus, you'd have ended up on the train. But there was no bus, there was only the train. So even if you had chosen the bus,
you'd have ended up on the train,
but you didn't know that, you picked the train.
Did you?
Did you pick the train or do you only think
you took the train?
Right, but here's the thing,
if you said to yourself, I picked the train,
you went to the train station, you took the train,
you would die never knowing you didn't have a choice.
That's incredible and beautiful.
I wasn't expecting all this.
Neither was I.
Poetry coming from tonight.
It's a strange show.
It's great.
Well, what do you think?
Do you think you chose the train
or do you think that you didn't have a choice?
I think that my intuition was so strong
that I knew the train was the right bet.
Oh.
Yeah. You have a big social media following. intuition was so strong that I knew the train was the right bet. Oh, yeah.
You have a big social media following.
And it's getting lower every day, baby.
That's cool.
And every day it gets worse.
So,
do you think we should shut it all down?
I think about this all the time.
I'm like, yeah, but then at the same time, like, where am I going to like learn
about like Great Lakes and like murders and stuff?
Yeah, I get a lot of good recipes, recipes from TikTok.
Oh, I get great recipes.
I love to cook.
Do you make the viral Turkish pasta?
Oh, I haven't, but I've heard.
You got it.
Well, I gotta do it.
I make a lot of my stuff from TikTok, a lot of my food.
But my algorithm on it is pretty good.
What are you making?
What did I make?
Last night I made a soup.
A soup?
I went to H Mart and then I got a bunch of stuff for a soup.
A Sundubu soup.
A Sundubu soup.
Yeah.
H Mart is a Korean grocer.
Were you in Koreatown?
Yes I was.
Nice.
And then so we did a little trip there.
I got some like water chestnut.
This is riveting I'm sure for this whole audience.
Kimchi and I just made it into a beautiful little soup.
It was wonderful.
Wow.
Yeah.
You also made your Broadway debut last year
in Cult of Love.
I sure did.
How many nights a week?
Six days a week, and then we do eight shows.
One time we did nine shows,
because of the holiday schedule.
Wow.
Wow, they don't tell you that.
Do you think they should just film it and then show it?
So that you don't have to do it over and over again?
It seems crazy.
Have they thought about that?
We've beaten the tech, the technology exists.
You know what, some days I was like,
yeah, they probably should have just recorded it
because I wasn't doing it.
But you know, that's the beauty of live performance.
I love it.
I love it, but wait.
Why don't we record this without an audience then, huh?
A little laugh track? Well, here's, I'll tell you something. I'll tell you But wait, why don't we record this without an audience then, huh? A little laugh track?
Well, here's, I'll tell you something. I'll tell you something. You're raising an interesting point, which is we take this show on the road and I love doing it.
I love getting to go across the country doing this show, but this show we put out every episode. Every episode is new. Every single one.
Every time we do the show, we start from a blank page, a blank canvas that we paint for all of you. But... And then I will be on the road and like a friend of mine who's a comedian will be in
that town and be like, oh, what are you doing today?
What do you mean what I'm doing today?
I'm sitting in a hotel room, we're writing this show for the people.
But when you do theater, you do the same show every night.
The same exact thing.
So you get all the applause which feeds us and keeps us alive.
Of course, yeah for us during the day
That's your time some days you don't I'd be like I literally wouldn't like the Saudi matinees
They weren't into me. Just letting you know right there. It's a different crowd
Oh, I killed so do you think Saturday night is the best night?
What did you bring your a game? I brought my game every day of course every single show any Broadway casting directors are listening in
No
Every single day I brought it all.
You know what's funny? I think Tuesday night was like meh, but then like randomly like a Wednesday
night would just be like I just feel like a rock star. I love it. Huh. Yeah. Do you think that
your that Wednesday night is different because you also did a Wednesday day show? Well we started
off doing Wednesday day shows. Well we started off doing Saturday Sunday matinees which was crazy, it means five show weekends. I know, oh
poor me, poor actresses. And yeah and so we but when we started doing it on
Wednesday was much better but the matinee crowd was funny a lot of like
people would start talking at me on stage yeah. Hecklers on Broadway? You know you would think
it's hecklers but I think they're just confused.
Well, it's, the matinee crowds are older, right?
I would say so, yeah. Not to generalize.
No, no.
But they were, you know, on the older side.
No, I think, no, this is to generalize.
That we aren't generalized.
Let's generalize.
They were older. And thus they would...
How could you say that?
How could you possibly say these people were older?
Or then they would wake up and there's one time I was a very...
Cult of Love was a great play, okay?
Yes, people were, some people may have slept
and woken up and then screamed at me
during a very powerful scene with me and Zachary Quinto.
Because they were scared?
But that's okay.
Zachary Quinto was on this show.
He sure was.
Oh, I remember, we talked about Cult of Love.
Oh, did you now?
What'd you say?
That he said that their people would scream at him
at the matinees.
Right, every time. Or like, um, ringtones are back. Ringtones are back, baby.
So, I remember during the post-911 years, I remember Dick Cheney would always be like,
We have to get it right every time, but the terrorists only need to get it right once.
We gotta stop every single time they try to get us, and the terrorists, they only have to get through once.
We have to always succeed. They can fail a million times.
If they succeed once, they've done it.
That's what it is with the phones.
Because you can look at a theater of 2,000 fucking people.
If one person can't think to turn off their goddamn ringer,
you're all exposed.
You're all excused.
You know what's crazy?
Our phones have do not disturb mode.
They do, and I love that mode.
But that just means their normal mode is disturbed mode
Yeah, you know my favorite is when people will send anyways those people are monsters
Because you have the option of you have do not disturb. They will send it anyways monsters
Do you get that out of your life? Do you have you do have your chatting pals where it's like you're driving?
You're in you have 15 minutes
They're just that you have your list of three to five people that you just go through your phone and call.
I'm very popular, so yes.
And do you have friends where they'll call twice?
They'll just ring you twice.
Just for no, like I'm just trying again.
I will immediately think it's an emergency.
Yeah, so you answer, that's the idea.
And it works every time.
Yeah, Spencer and I double ring each other.
Because like, get the fucking phone.
I'm calling, this is a good time for me.
Yeah, this is a good time for me.
I totally agree with you.
But it's also just like,
the do not disturb of it all and the double call.
It comes with an intimacy and friendship
that I think some people just don't have the social,
they just don't understand.
I'm like, why are you calling me in the middle of the night?
Well, you know, we're all different generations.
And so I think we have a different,
are you a calling person?
I love to call.
See, I love to call too.
But I like to text too.
I'm not into texting.
I think it was a mistake.
I agree.
I read texts wrong all the time.
I think like the people are mad at me.
Oh yeah.
But they're not, or I seem like I'm mad at them,
but it's actually great.
Well, it's that there's no correct way
to end the conversation. And it's like, and I know, but it's actually great. Well, it's that there's no correct way to end the conversation.
And it's like, and I know there's nothing wrong with it,
and it's like not a judgment of me personally,
but if you're in the middle of a conversation,
going back and going back and forth,
it's slowing down a little bit,
and then you reply one last time,
and then you get the thumbs up,
they get like the emoji to end the conversation.
I don't even know what those are, they're not emojis,
they're- Like reactions.
They're reactions.
The reaction to end the conversation, it's like, oh, sorry are. They're not emojis. They're reactions. They're reactions. The reaction to end the conversation,
it's like, oh, sorry.
Oh, sorry, I didn't mean to offend you.
Sorry, I guess we're done.
Texts are scary, and there's different languages
for everyone.
If you're talking to someone of different age brackets,
it's just completely different.
You never know what the vibes are.
Who's the oldest person you text?
50s.
Yeah. She should gets. Hmm. Yeah.
Should get older. Should go older. Older?
Let's find some older people. I would love to have older friends.
Great.
Now,
I want to hear a little bit
about your dog
and its diet situation.
Oh, yeah.
My dog dog cowboy.
Yeah, what's happening?
Do you just give people a little bit of a...
Guys, this is a crazy story, so please buckle up.
So I was on Broadway.
And so when I brought my dog to New York,
and my mom just...
Oh, you asked about my dog.
I was on Broadway.
So I was on Broadway.
Yeah, I was on Broadway.
Critically acclaimed too.
New York Times Critics Choice.
Critics fucking choice.
Wix or whatever.
Anywho, so my mom decided to kidnap my dog and she's a private chef.
And so she spent all day just cooking for him, like these beautiful anchovies and liver
with like every single day a different menu.
And so now I have to cook my dog every day.
I meal prep for him.
Like I'll get like some bagged like frozen veggies.
And then I'll like, I made him like an ancestral bison the other day.
And I was like angrily making it too.
I was like, do you even know?
He's also like a mutt.
Like he like literally like lived on the street for a year, but he deserves it.
He's sweet.
What's ancestral about it?
It's ancient meats?
I think they just do it to double the price.
Ancestral bison.
Ancestral bison, I don't know.
It was $15.
Doesn't all bison presumably have ancestors?
I assume so.
It'd be more interesting if it was a bison
without ancestors.
The GMO bisons, baby.
You can't track it.
I see. These are like how people get those. You don't, you can't track it. You can't track it.
I see.
I see.
Yeah.
These are like, yeah, like how people get those.
You gotta keep your mind open to that.
Like heritage bison, like heritage turkeys.
People get those fancier turkeys.
Yes.
Not the butterball ones that have been in defiance of God's will made enormous.
Just waddling around.
Yeah, too big.
Too big.
Too big, like I'm not supposed to be here.
No, this bison was just right.
This bison was just right and now my little mutt
cowboy can eat and you know. But your dog got real fat right? He did and my mom kept going because
he's three years old and she kept going like oh you need a new collar soon he's out growing it.
I'm like mom he is not growing like he is getting bigger and she's like oh and like I had to you
know and it also does like a 15 pound weight limit thing when you like travel with them I was a little
bit scared about bringing him back to LA. Oh, yeah, we're good now
We're good. Yeah, you know to put him in you have to like kind of squeeze him into one of those
I just can I just I just hoped for the best and they usually don't if he's so small in when you look at him
I mean, obviously he's very chunky and dense now, but yeah, I know he's dead
But yeah, then they don't care about density. They don't check for density. There's no density limit.
The dog could be a black hole, really.
It could be a dwarf star.
It just has to fit in that fucking container.
I love it.
And that's cowboy.
And that's cowboy.
And that's cowboy.
I used to travel back and forth with my dog,
and that was back when you could get your friend
to say that you had emotional needs.
Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
But the government cracked down on that.
They did, you can't get away with that no more.
Nope, they stopped that.
Probably for the best.
Yeah, probably for the best I guess.
Just the LA people who bought their emotional support
like certificate can't go to the front of the line
with their dogs.
I just think emotional support dogs, real or fake,
make the whole world a better place
than we should have them on the planes. And I don't really have a problem with it. I do think so. I just think, I dogs, real or fake, make the whole world a better place than we should have them on the plains.
And I don't really have a problem with it.
I do think so.
I just think it got out of hand because people were like, oh, this is my emotional support
donkey.
And it's like, well, we can't deal with that now.
Well, then you were hearing stories about hamsters and guinea pigs and oh my, just all
sorts of things.
My view is let it be a menagerie.
I love it.
Is that Falcon from Dubai?
Sure.
A Falcon from Dubai.
Yeah. Maybe that's just internet lore that doesn't exist, but I bought it. Is that Falcon from Dubai? Sure, a Falcon from Dubai. Yeah, maybe that's just internet lore that doesn't exist, but I bought it.
My media literacy, you know, low.
Bob Trevino likes it, is in theaters.
It sure is.
When we come back.
And not at the AMZ Bed Bug one.
No, that was many years ago, and again, I can't verify that, and you have to verify
it for yourself.
Just something I remember from my time living in the Big Apple. No, that was many years ago and again, I can't verify that and you have to verify it for yourself.
Just something I remember from my time living in the Big Apple.
When we come back, Jared Goldstein is going to join.
Hey, don't go anywhere.
There's more of Love It or Leave It coming up.
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And we're back. I love it. ["Smooth Plastic Genitals"]
And we're back!
["Smooth Plastic Genitals"]
["Smooth Plastic Genitals"]
["Smooth Plastic Genitals"]
Joining us now is the Ken to our Barbie
minus the smooth plastic genitals.
Oh!
It's Jared Goldstein!
Woo!
I have very hairy, rough genitals.
I believe you.
Hi. What's up? Hi. We're fake. We hugged you back there. We did.
I'm drunk but that's okay right? What? I'm drunk but that's okay. For sure. You had one can of wine. I know. I haven't been drinking and it hit hard.
You had a can of wine? I had a can. LA baby. Can I just say, Barbie Ferreira is the coolest name a person can have.
Thank you.
Well, my real name is Barbara.
Boo.
Hey, that's still cool.
It's still very cool.
And I love seeing that on the flyer
next to the second coolest name a person can have.
Jared Goldstein.
Baby.
Jared.
Jared, Barbie.
It's like, it's like, it's like God's going through the thing.
It's like, wait, I have one extra Jared Goldstein who's a comedian.
I'm missing an orthodontist.
Thank you for being here, Jared. Thanks for having me.
Now, you're both in the public eye.
To the same extent.
What I want to talk about today Jay, because you're both...
Because...
What are we both?
We're both in the public eye.
You've been a model.
I sure have.
And you could be.
I have.
And you have.
I have been a model.
You have? What'd you model?
It was in a newspaper.
So you know it's good.
And it was toys for Christmas, honey.
What kind of toys?
What kind of toys?
Just like a lot of toys. I don't know.
Wooden, plastic.
Yeah, it was like we were on a couch and there was like a lot of us.
And like, you know.
But I was in it and it was a photo and they printed it.
I believe him.
I was a model. Um... So, I want you guys to both watch my gait
and see why it's so weird.
Okay!
Spoiler alert, it's because he's gay.
Oh, shit!
No, it's not, because I've gone to the parades.
It's not that.
Okay, I'm going to just walk normally.
I'm going to try to get out of my head about it
because it's going to be strange. It's so hard to walk normally when you're thinking about it.
I know why.
Loosen up, loosen up, loosen up.
Your shoulders are too tight.
Your shoulders are, drop your shoulders.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
baby, no.
Yeah, do it again.
Okay.
But no one's ever.
I'm just gonna take a deep breath.
Close your eyes.
No one's here.
It's just you.
No, I know.
I know.
No, I know.
All right, here we go. I don't but but deep breath. No one's here. Just you No, I know I know no, I know
All right, here we go
It's weird
Can I commend you for that is actually how you walk and you actually did walk the way you actually walk and that's huge
Give him a round of applause
That was
very vulnerable. There's something strange about the gait. I'm seeing the letter R. Oh.
Which direction? Where's my head? At the top. Like I'm seeing a lowercase R. Oh lowercase.
Oh no. Yeah. Like I want want you to I want your shoulders down
and back chin in and also just take a like like you were saying relax. Hey have
you seen this video that went viral this week from influencer Ashton Hall
cataloging his 1000 step morning routine? Yes! Alright let's look let's say let's see a clip.
Saratoga baby. Oh where is it?
Wow.
No.
It's awesome. I love the journaling. A little detox with internet with the phone.
It's ice water with Saratoga dip. get a dip in there 905 another bucket of water
We gotta get a 10,000
So lighting can be anything
You know what I mean? First of all, I love this video. So just so people understand his routine started like 345 a.m. No, it didn't
But wait, whatever he claims he says it starts at 345 a.m. and he sits down to work at 9 15 a.m.
Which is five and a half hours of morning routine.
He brushed his teeth for five hours.
His gums are gone.
Yeah.
He jumps in the pool and he kills like 10 minutes
in just the dive.
If you look.
There's a sign behind him that says no diving.
He does anyway.
That's influencing.
It's amazing. And then you're like, well, what does he do? And says no diving. And he does it anyway. That's influencing. He's a bad boy. It's amazing.
And then you're like, well, what does he do?
And I guess this is what he does, which is he's
a some sort of life coach.
And people see the morning routine and think,
I want to be like him.
But how does it have his life?
Well, what is his life?
It's telling people to do the morning routine he just filmed.
It actually is.
And there's a beautiful woman.
I don't know if she's actually beautiful,
but she has great nails.
And I love a good nail. And she's always beautiful woman, I don't know if she's actually beautiful, but she has great nails and I love a good nail.
And she's always making him food
or like strapping on his weighted vest.
Yes, there is a nameless, faceless woman
who is providing services.
Free her!
Throughout, for sure, for sure.
Free her.
Who is she?
We don't know.
Is she getting paid?
It's so unclear, it's so strange.
There's also something so,
the ideal morning routine is a routine
that has these steps that can only exist
if you're responsible to no one.
To no one.
That there's no child that's interrupting your,
there's no spouse who needs you to do them something.
That like, you are an isolated being
who's responsible only to yourself.
And that kind of perfecting your day
requires complete isolation.
Five hours of morning isolation.
I mean we're only up for 16.
Yeah.
He's in a lot of pain that man.
He's in a lot of pain.
He's in a lot of pain.
Also he eats a banana and rubs it on his face.
He does.
Okay film that.
I think we have it.
Hello. There you face. He does. Okay, film that. I think we have it. Hello?
There you go.
Oh, bitch.
What's that?
What's in the banana?
Well, as the expert, I don't know.
I did hear that it does nothing.
Yeah, no.
So that's what I...
I believe that.
I read it in a very factual tweet, so...
I'm going to start doing the ice thing though.
That looked good.
Yeah.
I wanna start doing two ice plungers in the morning,
or just one, just to start.
He's handsome, I mean it's working.
Sure.
Something's working.
There's so much going right in his life
that you like, it's like this half,
I admire him so much, but then I'm so repulsed
by everything that's happening,
that it's just like, ah, you really feel for these people.
Well, this is the start of the pyramid scheme.
Everyone's always selling packages of how to get rich.
Right. That's the internet thing.
So this is the start.
Which is a perfect segue into our, into...
And you know what that sound means.
It's time for a segment we're calling the shame game.
As you mentioned, all of these things are in some way
leading to a business, to a product.
All right, social media taketh, but it also giveth
a million new problems to hyper scrutinize our bodies for
and ultimately get us to buy things or do things.
Jared and Barbie, I'm gonna give you a new micro insecurity
courtesy of TikTok and you will rank them on a scale from one to five,
with one being I would never be insecure about this
and five being I have to leave the stage immediately
and squat over a full length mirror
to make sure I don't have this.
This is like my everyday life, let's do it.
Okay, the actual scale is gonna go,
if it's a one, it's a nice try TikTok.
If it's two, it's wait, try tic-tac if it's two its weight
That's what my head looks like from behind
Three is sure, but there's a cream for that
Four is panic ordering dozens of turtlenecks on Amazon at three in the morning and five is booking the flight to Turkey
Gotta go to Turkey to smile the hair get all in there. Get all in there. Get on there. It seems fun. It seems fun
I'm gonna go to Beverly Hills.
Yeah.
No, I see why.
I know Turkey's there.
I wanna be in a place where if something goes wrong,
I can sue.
No, totally.
I like that.
Gotta be able to sue.
It's the only way to level the playing field.
The doctor is always so powerful.
But not when they know.
You can sue.
First up, a few years ago, hip dips,
or the naturally occurring indentation
between the hip sock and upper thigh that some people have
became something to destroy, to embrace,
or potentially both.
Jared and Barbie, they say, hips don't lie,
but do they have you obsessively staring in the mirror
every morning in your new leggings?
Where do you rank this potential insecurity on a scale of one to five I've always had hip dips and
Anatomy baby, I would say why I'm like a hip to hip somebody come on everyone got it
Absolutely. I mean, what are your thoughts?
I think it's a one for sure because I didn't know even know, based on this picture, if this was something to get
or something to stop.
Well, it's obviously disgusting.
I didn't know.
I was like, is this the ideal we're all striving for,
but is it impossible?
Or is this something everyone has and must get rid of?
The line gets blurred every day.
Speaking of a blurry line, I'll say
this is the last part of a woman's body I was ever
attracted to.
And for that reason, I'm supportive of it.
Okay.
You were attracted to-
The first was her mind.
The mind.
Yeah.
And boobs?
I'm still attracted to that part.
Okay, cool.
Yeah.
Are you?
No.
Free her.
Free her. Free her. Free her. Free her. Let's find out her name and free her.
Alright, that's a one. Next up, we have something called Irish hair. According to
TikTok, Irish hair or Irish curl describes an inconsistent curl pattern
which person's hair is straight at the top and curlier underneath.
That's right, sure, Jewish hair. Jared and Barbie, does Irish hair have your eyes smiling
or are you ready to Aaron go bra out of the bathroom?
Bro, who the fuck cares, bro?
I'm like you, I'm going to Beverly Hills, not to Turkey, because I have a guy who helps
me with it.
Oh, you get a little keratin?
Yeah, I do it in the very front and in the very back.
Wow.
You have different patterns.
Not right now.
Right now I'm like, I'm just, this is me natural right now, but I'm done.
I'm sick of it.
You're sick of it.
Time to go back.
So I'm a five.
You know, I really...
Out of ten, let's say it.
He's a five.
He's a five.
I'm a one.
I know.
I think it's fine.
I think it's fine.
I think it's fine. Literally, yes, get a Dyson Airwrap
if it bothers you that much.
I think, I think like, look, as somebody who has struggled
to use his money to buy hairlines via Beverly Hills doctors.
And then successfully done that several times.
Yeah.
You're in.
No, absolutely.
I find that basically as someone who has been obsessed
with their own hairline and just basically observe hairlines
very closely, I find that people with amazing hair,
present company included, they talk about hair
with the kind of like, they're like upper deck
Titanic passengers talking about the accommodations.
You know, they're like, I don't like the view from my room.
And meanwhile, like I'm down here with the fucking rats.
And they're like, oh, I go for a keratin treatment
because it's a little curly in front,
but a little curly in the back.
It's like, fuck you.
We're just trying to, we just want down here
with Jack and Rose, we just want coverage.
I know.
We just want coverage.
We just want coverage.
I, you're so right.
I hear about hairlines all day, by the way.
I have to check my privilege so much in that way.
One time I told this woman, she was like,
what's the secret?
What are you doing here?
Please tell me what to do with my hair.
And I was like, here's what it is.
Nothing. And she was like, here's what it is. Nothing.
And she looked so mad.
Yeah, for sure.
She looked so mad.
Maddening.
For sure.
Let them in cake, you said.
What I'm saying is the health of your hair is the value.
So don't burn your hair.
Do nothing, essentially.
But then, yeah, whatever.
Male pattern baldness will come for you no matter what.
Oh, yeah.
That's something I hear.
Yeah.
I hear all day.
I hear all day about it.
It's like truly the talk of the town all day.
Hair line, hair line, hair line.
I kind of am like, you know, if guys have one thing
to worry about, it's hair line.
I'm like, all right.
It's fine.
It's fine.
Jason Statham, like, gee, it's fine.
You got to have such a specific head to pull that off.
You do.
Everybody's like, oh, Bruce Will, Jason Statham.
End of fucking list. This
doesn't work for me like that. I don't have the confidence. I respect the men who do.
I don't have it. Next up.
You're great. I honestly, I never would have even known that you had any sort of story
behind it. Absolutely. Absolutely. That's, that's, yeah. That's why.
Effortlessly cool. Yeah, that's right. And that's right. Next up, cortisol face.
This is a TikTok favorite. Cortisol face. Yeah. Cortisol face. Last year thousands of
videos flooded the app to tell me specifically that my face might be
extra round due to too much of the stress hormone cortisol,
the kind of repetitive TikTok that might stress you out a little bit.
According to the Cleveland Clinic, cortisol phase or moon phase can occur as a result of certain syndromes or as a side effect of medication like steroids, but they reassure patients that it
isn't itself dangerous, but we don't care if it's dangerous Cleveland Clinic, we just want to be hot.
Jared and Barbie, do I have cortisol face?
No.
You don't.
I'm sorry, I mean, where do you rank cortisol face
on scale of micro insecurities?
To be fair, I don't know if I buy it.
I think if you're on a medication,
like I've been on Prednisone for, you know,
like losing my voice or something,
and then I feel like I'm angry and big and like red,
but I don't know if like you being stressed
is gonna make that big of a difference on your face.
But you know what?
Maybe, who knows?
Do they have Broadway doctors that inject steroids
the way like football doctors inject steroids in the knees
to get people back out there like horses?
Absolutely.
So I actually heard that people don't like doing that
because the girlies who sing, they like try to keep their vocal
health good and like if you do too much of that you like strain it even more. I
don't have that problem. And also I was like smoking packs of cigarettes before
I had to stop for the broad for Broadway because I was like I'm gonna lose my
voice but they do shoot you up yeah. B12 in a prednisone happens all time. Cool. I
should do that for this show. You would be hyped and angry. I get angry.
Next up, bad facial harmony.
It's another syndrome that only exists in the mind of the mad.
Bad facial harmony refers to the concept
that one can have good individual facial features,
but bad overall facial harmony, you could also
have the inverse, which I guess is being overall gorgeous,
but with dog ass individual features.
This is so loud. I mean, here're the prime example of a horribly ugly woman.
Yeah hideous.
With terrible symmetry.
Is Bella, is she the idea of like bad facial harmony?
No.
Or she's good facial harmony?
I think this must be good facial harmony.
It's another classic case of do we want this or not?
I think we do.
I think we do.
I'm not worried about facial harmony.
I think it's like a three. I think I get talked into it.
Maybe a two. I'd say a two. If someone was like,
because one of my eyebrows is a little lower than the other one, hate.
Do you have this thing where when I look at my face in a FaceTime,
it looks like my eyes are all black. Are you having that?
They have like sneaky filters on FaceTime that you can like turn off. You mean like the whites are gone and the whole thing
is gone? Demonic possession on FaceTime? I'm sorry are you seeing something different?
Like it looks like I don't have like my eyes are brown and it looks like my eyes
are black. Does anyone have that? Maybe we'd get that checked out. I don't have
that either. I don't have that. I don't have that. Finally, this is something called septum arms.
I don't know what it's...
Oh, because this is why it's called that.
He or she would be hot. Septum arms.
Oh my goodness gracious.
What if I was like, yes, yes, stop.
Some people are ugly in their arms. I was gonna smash, but your disgusting biceps were,
I mean, I guess.
Maybe, maybe.
Not me, not me, I'm an angel.
This seems like it's like the millennial equivalent
of a butter body.
Butter, oh, butter face, butter face.
Butter face, butter body, that was something.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I was once called a butter face once to my face.
I was so complimented.
I was like, I have been working out.
I would die.
If someone said that you're a butter face to me,
I would be so gassed.
Like, I literally be like,
that's right, the body's hot, body tea, bitch.
You know what, this is actually funny.
I've never actually even talked about it before,
but it was a very drunk person at a bar,
gay bar in DC called halo
That was on 17th and are and if you were the person that very drunkenly came up to me and said
Oh, you're very hot, but her face and then left
If you remember that I remember it
So you're right to feel bad. Yeah
You're probably around my age and you did it and I remember it
when
When when I first started doing stand-up and roast battle was really popular
I wrote a joke for someone else that was like she's a butterface meaning that she'll let you put it in her butterface
meaning that she'll let you put it in her butter face. Hey!
I was proud of that, right?
That's a great joke.
I like that.
That's a really good joke.
Thank you.
That's a really good joke.
It did just fine, but I was like, I really was, I wanted an Emmy.
I was like, I feel like that should get me some kind of golden statue.
I agree.
Butter face?
It was really good.
I think you've got to put a little more spin on the second time we say
butter.
Yeah.
You know?
And that's where we're feeling the wine that I had backstage.
Yeah. But I think it's a great joke. It's a beautiful simple joke. It's beautiful. Beautiful.
Very well written joke. Very well written joke.
Congrats.
All right.
Thank you.
Good one.
Jared, in your podcast, Sorry What? You can get that wherever you get podcasts.
You can.
Is it a advice podcast?
It's an advice podcast from a bad listener.
I'm doling it.
No one's wanting it,
but I'm telling you how to live your life.
Hence the name, Sorry What?
Yeah, exactly.
Do you think it's Sorry What?
I would go, Sorry What?
All right, next up,
the text is coming from Inside the House.
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If you haven't read it yet, pick it up.
Support Emily.
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All right, now for a segment we're calling
Who The Among Us.
Hey, look at us.
There we are.
Wait, do you see what I mean with the black eyes?
They're beautiful. They're gorgeous. They're deep, they're deep. You have deep eyes. Okay, do you see what I mean about the black eyes? They're beautiful. They're good.
They're deep.
They're deep.
You have deep eyes.
They're deep.
Okay, okay, okay.
Stop trying to find stuff to complain about.
Okay, okay, okay.
Look, Michael Waltz, the national security advisor, has obviously screwed the pooch.
But haven't we all sent a straight text or two?
To show some empathy, and more importantly, embarrass our guests, we're each going to share something we've done in text that we regret in a segment I've already named.
Barbie kick us off. When is the time you sent an errant text, included the wrong person,
made a mistake?
Okay, so this is quite a while ago, maybe like 10 years ago. I remembered this today
and I was immediately stricken with embarrassment again.
I was texting someone, like a friend of mine, I was like, oh let's meet here. I was in New York at
the time and so I show up and I see someone else that I know. I'm like, hey what's up? And they're
like, oh like are you coming with us? I'm like, what are you talking about? Like I'm waiting for
my friend and I'm like, okay weirdo. He walks away and then I realized I was texting that person the
whole time and he thought I was like realized I was texting that person the whole time
and he thought I was like, I was just like lost my mind.
And like, we were supposed to meet at this exact place.
I was like, that's so random that you also happened to be
at this exact place right now.
And so yeah, that was embarrassing.
Did he think it was a date?
No, it wasn't a date.
He had friends with him.
But that was riveting.
I know that story is crazy.
No, but the... But he came.
He did. And then I was like, oh, I'm just meeting someone here.
Like, it just, like, did not click with me.
But what happened when he figured it out? I mean, that must have been embarrassing.
He actually was great and just, like, walked away with his friends.
I was just like, okay, fucking weirdo. And then...
But he clearly wanted to see you. This is what I'm trying to understand.
Because he got a whole group of friends to say, no, no, we got to go meet Barbie.
She's inexplicably texting me. But it's important that I see her for some reason.
Yeah.
So did you break his heart? I just, this is, are you sure you're sure this person didn't want to date?
Maybe. I mean, I never know. So who's, I mean, maybe, but no.
I think the person that I was trying to meet was someone I was trying to date.
And what happened there?
Well, then I just like, I blew it. I was like, the whole time I thought it was someone else.
I was texting. It was like days and days time I thought it was someone else I was texting.
It was like days and days of conversations.
But did you go ever go back to the person it was supposed to be?
No, I was too mortified. I never talked to either of them again.
That one guy was like a mutual friend of a bunch of people.
And I had just been like flirting with him and I had no intention.
And I guess, yes, he was trying to date me.
And yeah, I did break his heart.
But it's OK.
It was an accident.
I still think about how awful that was.
And also the worst part is this is all Grand Central Station.
You mean, what?
Were you going for oysters?
What's going on?
No, bibs.
At the time, I lived in like Mount Vernon.
And so I, god, this is just, sorry,
this guy's juicier and juicier, doesn't it? So I, it was like, I was like in midtown.
I was like, what am I doing here?
And I just like look like an idiot and have to go home.
I'm sorry that happened.
It's okay.
I think I'm okay.
You're okay.
I think I'm okay.
What if that other person you meant to be texting is the love of your life?
God, I don't even remember who it was.
What if that was a siding war?
No it is.
I never saved anyone's name under my name, in my phone.
Wow, that's chaos.
That is so chaotic. That's crazy. I know. I have like 900 No it is. I never saved anyone's name in my phone and now I do it.
Wow, that's chaos.
Chaos.
That's crazy.
I know.
I have like 900 unread messages.
I need to stop.
No, no, no.
I really understand and respect that.
I get it.
I get it.
I thrive in chaos.
But what do you think it is about us that there's something about our relationship with time
because it's as if there's no future.
As if like, yes, we know who this is right now,
and that's all that matters.
As if we can't imagine a future
where they will be in our life for an extended period of time
so that it's obviously right now worth saving the number.
Why shouldn't we save the number right now?
Well, because we're not gonna know this person,
we're not gonna see this person, or we're not gonna live.
Why aren't we saving the numbers right now?
You should ask that to 18-year-old me who was stoned out of her mind in the supreme
jacket.
But you saved the numbers now.
I'm doing better about saving the numbers.
I do.
I save all numbers now.
Ever since then, I really learned a lesson.
Do you know there's a name for this?
What?
I'm going to get it wrong, but it's something very dumb, like tip-top-timism.
Can you look it up? It's like tip-top-tim-top-timism. Someone chat you, man. Have you heard about this like tip-top-timism. Can you look it up?
It's like tip-top-tim-top-tim-ism.
Have you heard about this?
Tip-top-tim-ism?
Yes.
Do I have a rapid case of tip-top-tim-ism?
That's what you have.
Wait, this is gonna be huge for you.
What's tip-top-tim-ism?
It's people who are chronically bad with time
and you have an optimism about how much time
you think you have.
Oh, yes.
Couldn't be me, couldn't be me, I'm always early.
It's something about time and optimism has become one word.
Tidsoptimist.
Yes.
What is it?
Say it again.
Tidsoptimist.
Tidsoptimist.
I like Tip Top better.
I know.
I know.
It's a terrible word.
Tip Top is actually better.
Way better.
It's spelled T-I-D-S-optimist.
Tidsoptimist.
OK.
Well, we'll check that out.
You might have that.
Send that to my therapist, who I'm now angry hasn't brought it up.
Though it's hard to bring it up when we have an appointment in six months.
Got to text her back, number's not saved.
Jared, when is it, when have you made a mistake on text?
Um, I feel like I have texted stop to end to the Democrats
at least 20 times and there is no end in sight.
And I feel like maybe you might have something to tell me.
So I, the text have got a fucking stop.
I again, I will say I actually want to figure out
if this is possible, but I do believe in something
called Democrat Plus, this is possible, but I do believe in something called Democrat Plus which
Is a
Which would be an ad car
It's a car. It's a phone. It's a car, but it's a service. You would pay a monthly fee
To support progressive politicians, but no ads no texts no phone no nothing. And everyone makes the deal.
You're giving this all away for free.
No, no, they're going to have to donate every year.
You have to do the idea, babe.
No, no. Yeah. I mean, it's just for the country.
It's a good idea for the country, but it's hard because you have to figure out
because then it's like they all want money and they all raise money separately.
And so it's very complicated.
But but I kind of like the idea of something called Democrat Plus.
So I'm going to work on that. Okay.
I really am.
We need Democrats.
I really am.
For the fancy Democrats who want to pay a monthly fee.
Well, I just think it's like there's a lot of people donating in $5 increments all the time,
and then you're like constantly getting like...
Why not get a TV show?
I mean...
Yeah.
I love it.
Yeah, right?
No, it's also a streaming service.
But no, if you go to...
Like, I'll go to my text right now.
I'm going to go to my text right now.
I don't have to look very far.
They just start doing like AI scams of this. I'm telling you, the AI scams, if they go to, like I'm going to go to my text right now. I'm going to go to my text right now. I don't have to look very far. They just start doing like AI scams of this.
I'm telling you the AI scams, if they were smart,
they would tap into the-
They would just do both.
It's the same company that's sending out all the messages.
If that was an AI scam, because there's people who are like,
hey, how are you?
Oh, are we getting dinner next week?
And it's actually a scam.
Have you, have you been caught in this?
Oh yeah, I mean, I, yeah.
I feel, I feel like there's a missed opportunity
for some scamming.
Also, just as a public service announcement,
nobody at EZPass is texting you.
Oh, we were just talking about EasyPass!
That's the one that got me.
We were just talking about EasyPass.
EasyPass does not reach out to you text by...
Or Wells Fargo.
I'm like, my Wells Fargo, I've never had Wells Fargo.
EasyPass is not texting you.
That's not how it works.
It's not EasyPass.
Don't click that link.
The scams are getting better. They are. They're getting more personable. Or we are getting older, but let that link. The scams are getting better.
They are.
They're getting more personable.
Or we are getting older,
but let's say that the scams are getting better.
Speak for yourself.
We're not getting older.
Hey, that's you.
No, not me.
No, just this.
Just me.
I like this kind of generational dialogue.
We have two members of Gen Z and a member of Millennial.
Yes.
And that's what this is.
What is AARP?
That's me.
That's you, and you're AARP.
Yeah, I'm A to Z.
Well, I used to be Gen Z.
And now I'm a millennial.
They've changed the year.
Hey, did you see the news that Gen Z is more conservative
than millennials?
I believe it.
There's a lot going on with Gen Z.
What are we going to do?
God, I mean, I have the exact answer for this.
I have the answer.
I have the exact answer.
Can we just work on it?
Can we just promise to work on it?
I'm trying.
I feel like I try. And then with the Gen Z's, you know, as a Gen Z millennial,
whatever, zillennial, I'm starting to just like lose grasp. Like they're not, they're
not hanging out anymore. No one's fucking. Everyone's conservative. It's scary.
I was trying to think of-
It's algorithms.
It's algorithms for sure. I was trying to think of a text that I sent that caught me in trouble and I actually realized
that like the worst I am as a person is not in the text I send, it's the text I don't
send and the years of just letting things go by and being like, I gotta respond to that
until it's gone forever.
And it sucks.
And I kind of wish I could have like an auto reply message that's just like, like, thank
you for your text.
I'm not built for this era.
And I have time.
I'm not like the great myth is that I'm like we're all so busy.
There are some people who are very busy, but everyone's got four hours of screen time,
so we're all pretending to be busy.
I have the time.
I could reply.
I'm probably not going to,
because I didn't think of something to say in the moment.
And then...
My day kept going.
And then my day kept going.
And I'm really sorry.
And it doesn't mean I don't love you,
but it probably means I don't love you.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.
Just don't value them.
And I think it's bad,
and I think it's how fascism came to America.
They'll be like, how did fascism come to America?
It was mostly texting.
We tried to find it, it was the pandemic,
it was eggs, and it was texting.
And in hindsight, it was not the right response.
If we have hindsight then.
What a weird note to end the show on.
Can I start running for office?
I think I'm ready.
Sure, I would love that.
I vote for you.
I would love that.
I think it's algorithms is like the big problem
I think like it's it's it's design
We know how we know how they work and it's like I have my own algorithm feeds me things that I either hate or agree
With but even it's always from the loudest people who are the most annoying
So even when I read things that I agree with it comes from such an annoying source that it makes me want to stop
believing in the things that I believe in and I have to actively talk to myself and put my phone down and remember who I am and
stop reacting to this reactionary thing.
And that is also designed from a billionaire who's deciding what we look at all the time.
We just forget that we're looking at this thing and that's just how it works.
But it's decided by someone that is making I think the the pendulum of like
conservative and liberal going back and forth is very natural and will happen
all the time and that's like kind of okay but it has become so psychotic and
exaggerated because someone started making money off of it and we are just
our whole lives are controlled and ruined by like truly seven people who
are profiting off of this.
And it's, I hope that it can stop some.
We need to go back to websites.
If everyone just had a website,
I will get a square space.
I will get one.
Come to my square space.
I do think like, just like, I think that that's right.
But I actually think part of,
like I was talking to a friend of mine,
and this is where we'll leave it.
I was talking to my friend of mine who's like trying where we'll leave it, I was talking to a friend of mine who's like trying
to think about how to bring local news back, right?
Like we've lost local news in so many places
that newspapers were eviscerated,
everything has been nationalized.
It means there's tons of local corruption
and stories that are not being told.
It means that when there are problems in Los Angeles
or there are potential solutions in Los Angeles
for say the housing crisis,
and then these interest groups like the NIMBYs put a bunch of pressure on the mayor to
reverse a policy that will allow more housing to be built across the city
because the public isn't able to get fully informed only the hyper aware of
the kind of special groups that are really paying attention are able to
really carry sway and like causes problems all across the country and and
she's thinking about how do we bring back local news
and talking about, well, the business model changed
and the local places didn't adapt
and people really do want local news.
That's why there's Nextdoor, people are clamoring for it.
And then part of it is also like,
we have to like recognize our agency.
Like why did these newspapers go away?
People stop subscribing to them.
Like, yes, it is the algorithm,
but it's also all of us collectively choosing to participate.
What I'm increasingly realizing is part of what we try to do all the time, and I think
it's why people like Luigi, it's why people like Barack Obama sometimes, is they thought,
finally, someone's just going to fix it. right? And like, that's what the right likes Trump,
like someone's going to fix it.
We know who to blame, we know who can fix it.
I can just sit here in my house
and the problem will get resolved.
And we are not getting to the end of this
without all of us making hard, hard sacrifices,
which may include, by the way,
forcing ourselves to do unpleasant things,
like not looking at our phones,
and actually having in-person interactions,
and accepting some discomfort and boredom and challenge
that comes along with building coalition with people
that don't see the world the same way as you.
And the more we take ownership of that,
and the more responsibility we take for that,
I think the better hope we have
for actually figuring our way out of this.
And that's what I think about that.
That's our show.
Thank you so much to Barbie Ferreira and Jared Goldstein.
We'll see you in two weeks.
Two weeks from now at the Legion Theater.
Also check out Saturday, we're going to have a very special episode of Terminally Online
hitting your feeds on Saturday.
Is that happening?
Probably.
If you're hearing this, it's happening.
There are 584 days until the midterms.
Have a great night and have a great weekend.
["Straight Shoot Time"]
Lover to Leave It is a Crooked Media Production.
It is written and produced by me, John Lovett and Leah Eisenberg.
Kendra James is our Executive Producer.
Bill McGrath is our Producer.
And Kennedy Hill is our Associate Producer.
Halley Keeper is our Head Writer.
Sarah Lazarus, Jocelyn Coffin, Peter Miller, Alan Pierre and Will Miles are our Writers.
Jordan Cantor is our Editor.
Kyle Seglund and Charlotte Landis provide Audio Support.
Stephen Colon is our Audio Engineer.
Our Theme Song is written and performed by Shersher. Thanks to our designer, Sammy
Kuderna-Rees for creating and running all of our visuals, which you can't see because
this is a podcast. And thanks to our digital producers, David Tulles, Claudia Shang, Mia
Kelman, Dilan Villanueva, and Rachel Gajaski for filming and editing video each week. Our
head of production is Matt DeGroote. Our head of programming is Madeleine Herringer. And
our production staff is proudly unionized with the Writers Guild of America East. It's love it or leave it.