Lovett or Leave It - Get Ostrich or Die Trying

Episode Date: May 31, 2025

It’s another 10/10 week in America, as Donald Trump plans a taxpayer-funded birthday spectacle, RFK Jr. and Dr. Oz team up for an ostrich heist, and we all reluctantly continue to stand with Harvard University. Senator Adam Schiff stops by to break down Trump’s corruption spree. The hilarious Jo Firestone, Josh Sharp, and Devon Walker help us solve the week’s stickiest mysteries, then it’s time to unleash the dais and roast the audience’s enemies to a crisp.For a closed-captioned version of this episode, click here. For a transcript of this episode, please email [e-mail] and include the name of the podcast.

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New customer offer for first three months only then then full-price plan options available. Taxes and fees are extra. CMIT Mobile for details. What's up, Los Angeles? Welcome to Love It or Leave It, live from Dynasty Typewriter. We've got a great show for you tonight. Senator Adam Schiff is here to discuss Trump's nonstop corruption and how Democrats are fighting back. Then we have the triple threat of Joe Firestone, Josh Sharpe, and Devin Walker.

First, we'll solve some of life's silliest mysteries, then we'll roll up our sleeves and roast the audience's worst enemies. But first, let's get into it. What a week. The Army estimates that Trump's upcoming birthday parade, an ostentatious show of military pageantry, will cost between $25 and $45 million

and will include 6,700 soldiers, 50 helicopters, 28 tanks, 34 horses, and zero wives. According to the Army, the parade is not a Trump birthday celebration, however, but it is in fact a commemoration of the 250th anniversary of the founding of the Continental Army. I didn't even realize it was his birthday, said an Army spokesperson motioning at a soldier to stop sticking candles into a Qatari 747. Said Army spokesperson Steve Warren, it's a lot of money, but I think the amount of money is dwarfed by the 250 years of service and sacrifice by America's army. You can't be mad about the wasteful,

ostentatious spending if it's all for the military. That's why the tequila waterslide at my birthday was dedicated to Desert Shield. The precursor to Desert Storm. Nobody talks about Desert Shield, but they will once the hot waiters dressed on theme in fatigues bring out the Desert Shield, but they will once the hot waiters dressed on theme in fatigues bring out the Desert Shield.

On Wednesday, Trump became infuriated when a CNBC reporter asked about a new acronym taking the finance world by storm. Mr. President, Wall Street analysts have coined a new term called the taco trade. They're saying Trump always chickens out on your tariff threats and that's why markets are higher this week. What's your response to that? I kick out? Chicken out. Oh, then I chicken out. I've never heard that. You mean because I reduced China from 145 percent that I set down to 100 and then down to another number and I said you have to open up your whole country and because I gave the

European Union a 50% tax tariff and they called up and they said please let's meet right now, please let's meet right now. You call that chickening out? Yeah. But here's the thing, don't tell him about this. It's good when he chickens out. Don't make him self-conscious about it. You don't complain when Shamu unclenches his jaw and lets the trainer scramble back up

to the surface to breathe. You throw Shamu a herring and thank God it's over. Don't dare him to not chicken out. Chickening out is all we have from this fucking guy. It's amazing that he does it. It's his best move. Later that evening at the Court of International Trade, which we all knew existed...

three judges, a Reagan appointee, a Trump appointee, and an Obama appointee, blocked Trump from imposing worldwide and retaliatory tariffs using emergency powers. So bye-bye tariffs. Hello, $14 tuxedo that catches fire if I stand in front of the microwave. Speaking of unpleasant journeys,

we learned this week that a woman named Carol Hui, a Missouri mother of three American citizens, is currently jailed ahead of her deportation back to Hong Kong to the shock of her conservative neighbors in Kennet, Missouri. Remember shock? Her employer, John's Waffle and Pancake House, only knew she had been arrested in Kennet, Missouri. Remember Schock? Her employer, John's Waffle and Pancake House, only knew she had been arrested when she failed to show up for her shift.

That is a reliable person. If I got arrested, it would take at least a week for this team to stop rolling their fucking eyes long enough to wonder if something was wrong. A church friend of way told the Times, I voted for Donald Trump and so did practically everyone here, but no one voted to deport moms

who were all under the impression we were just getting rid of the gangs, the people who came here in droves. We were trying to light a cleansing fire. It's like driving your car into a Pilates studio, horrified to discover you hit someone other than your ex-wife. Ha!

At the same time, the administration filed documents on Wednesday revealing plans to retrieve a wrongly deported Guatemalan man after a federal judge demanded last Friday that they take all immediate steps to bring him back. Looks like those ghosts I hired have started to show them their Christmas futures. There we go. Yeah, thank you. Shut up.

Uh, the man was deported to Mexico, then Guatemala, after previously fleeing both countries due to persecution for being gay. He is gonna be so disappointed in the Target Pride collection when he gets back. In other news, the Trump administration has directed federal agencies to cancel all remaining contracts with Harvard amounting to an estimated $100 million. These numbers can be a little bit hard to grasp,

but that's somewhere between two and four Trump birthday parades. On Monday, Trump wrote on True Social, I am considering taking $3 billion of grant money away from a very anti-Semitic Harvard and giving it to trade schools all across the land. He's gonna be pretty mad when the New England HVAC Academy finally has the funds to start that gender studies program.

Ah! Hosted by his own petard. Said White House Press Secretary Carolyn Levitt. Electricians, plumbers, we need more of those in our country and less LGBTQ graduate majors from Harvard University. That should be fewer LGBTQ graduate majors. All right, sorry. I see why they won.

Unfortunately, I am gonna have to go a little bipartisan on this one. Clearly what we need is more gay plumbers. Nobody knows more about keeping the pipes clean. And by the way, we need lesbian forklift operators because I just think those bitches would be good at it. Meanwhile, the State Department confirmed that it paused all new foreign student visa interviews while it expanded its scrutiny of potential students'

social media accounts. Some slob at the State Department just clicking through thirst trap after thirst trap, zooming in on butterfly tattoos and tagging it Hamas? question mark. Still, good day to be on the waitlist. You know, there's a you know, there's like a super, super anti-Trump waitlisted kid at Harvard being like, oh, what he's doing is so terrible.

Somebody stop him from keeping all these students out of Harvard. It's wrong. I don't want it like this. It won't feel right. On Tuesday, RFK Jr. posted a video with an update about the COVID vaccine. I couldn't be more pleased to announce that as of today, the COVID vaccine for healthy children and healthy pregnant women has been removed

from the CDC recommended immunization schedule. It's all part of Trump's campaign promise to revitalize domestic manufacturing of tiny coffins. You're so fucking predictable. You're so fucking predictable. Sweet souls. Also this week, RFK Jr. threatened to prevent government scientists from publishing in certain scientific journals, claiming the federal government can always make their own. So look forward to this month's Federal Science Quarterly, can mothers having careers turn

their babies gay? The answer is grass-fed beef. Also this week, the White House released their RFK Junior-led Make America Healthy Again report on children's health, pointing quite reasonably to social media, ultra-processed foods, and synthetic chemicals as a source of many childhood mental and physical health problems.

But that's what's dangerous about Kennedy. He's an unreliable cook who does say some true things, like if Chet GPT swallowed a big bag of gravel. The report also makes unsubstantiated claims about vaccines and experts discovered that the report cites seven sources that seem to be just completely made up. They don't exist.

A notice investigation found that the Hallmark Maha Commission report that was released last week cites studies that appear don't exist. formatting issues with the Maha report that are being addressed and the report will be updated, but it does not negate the substance of the report. Can you talk about what tools or research goes into production of these kinds of reports? For instance, is it AI that's used to put together these reports now? I can't speak to that. Sorry about that. A little formatting issue I say to my guests when they ask why my birthday cake says 35 on it. They're just fucking plugging shit, these dumbasses are just plugging shit into chat GPT.

Like a fucking... stupid... It's like amazing, it's amazing. And when nobody's checking it, like look all these sources, just made up. But that is not the strangest story out of Kennedy's HHS this week. R.F.K. Jr. and the head of the Center for Medicare and Medicaid Services, who is of course Dr. Oz, offered to import a flock of 300 ostriches from Canada to Oz's Florida ranch after the Canadian government ruled that the birds had to be put down to prevent the spread of bird flu in British Columbia. 69 members of the flock died earlier this year from the disease.

Now, a lot of people don't know this, but Dr. Oz is actually short for Dr. Ostrich Pestilence. And say what you will, but these guys make a great team. I'm sorry, I had something in my throat. They make a great teaming throng of diseased ostriches. Speaking of dangerous flocks, after issuing a slew of unsavory pardons this week for a sheriff convicted of bribery

and a reality show couple convicted of fraud, Trump mused about pardoning a few more interesting characters. Will you pardon the people who are accused of conspiring to kidnap Michigan Governor Gretchen Whitmer? I'm gonna look at it. I will take a look at it. It's been brought to my attention. I did watch the trial. It looked to me like somewhat of a railroad job. I'll be honest with

you. It looked to me like some people said some stupid things, you know? They were drinking and I think they said stupid things. Who among us hasn't had one too many glasses of wine and participated in a plot with a paramilitary group to overthrow the Michigan state government? Whitmer said Thursday that she was, quote, very disappointed that Trump was considering a pardon for her would-be kidnappers, which is an insane word choice. The president is thinking about pardoning men who plotted to abduct you, and you're disappointed?

You're me when the gas station doesn't have muddy buddies checkmix? You and Trump hugged like a month ago. Be madder. I've seen you more angry about a foul by Ohio State. They could have fucking killed you Disappointed. Would you say you expected better? Why? Also this week FBI Deputy Director Dan Bongino FBI Deputy Director Dan Bongino, FBI Deputy Director Dan Bongino, announced that the agency will investigate a number of unsolved Biden-era scandals, including who left the bag of cocaine found at the Biden White House in July of 2023.

And we tested it. It's definitely cocaine, shouted Pete, Hegseth into the ear of a woman who can't stay because she's here with her friends? On Sunday, Trump posted a photo of a man being attacked by a swan at one of his golf courses with the caption, I always said golf can be a dangerous sport. My friend being bit at Bedminster. This is funny. I'm sorry, but that is just funny. Looks like that swan got a hole in one.

One penis. A federal judge on Tuesday struck down Trump's executive order targeting the law firm Wilmer Hale, marking a third consecutive win for the firms that have fought back against the administration instead of cutting a deal. But rest assured Trump has a backup plan for all of these law firms. Oh no! It's a swan. Speaking of swan songs, on Wednesday Elon Musk bid adieu to the Trump administration

as his 130 day tenure slash rampage comes to an end. Don't cry because it's over, barf because it happened. Musk posted on Axe Wednesday, the Doge mission will only strengthen over time as it becomes a way of life throughout the government. Musk said he was ultimately leaving the administration to spend less time with his family. Across the pond, J.K. Rowling, she her,

announced this week that she will provide legal funding from her billion dollar fortune to undermine trans women's rights in sports If you're still in line to have your Ravenclaw tattoo lasered off stay in line When asked how much funding she direct to the organization Rowling told reporters in Harry Potter the goblins are Jews Unrelated why she would just bring that up out of nowhere. It's a strange thing to bring up. In other legal news, a former employee of Sean Combs testified that he showed up at her door with a gun and told her, get dressed, we're going to go kill Kid Cudi, who was dating

Diddy's longtime on-again, off-again girlfriend, Cassie. When I read stories like this, I can't help but think to myself, damn, I'm a pretty good boss. Scientists have reported that two of the world's most destructive, invasive kinds of termites have started cross-breeding in South Florida, creating a new and potentially even more destructive termite population. To them, I say this, Mar-a-Lago Beach Club is about 75 miles north of downtown Miami, an hour and 40 minutes by car on the Florida turnpike. Prepare for the worst, hope for the best, and start with the columns.

You are our strongest soldiers. Driverless 18-wheelers are now delivering goods across North Texas, the New York Times has reported, despite the industry being basically unregulated. Now, people are worried that this will eliminate jobs. But for every one driver position eliminated, there's a job for somebody to wash the blood and gore off the grill. And another person to go search the route for the victim's shoes and stuff. You have to embrace change. You can't be afraid of it. It's two jobs.

Because you won't know where the shoes are because the car won't know. You know, a human driver stops. Not these trucks. They just arrive and you're like, where did these bones come from? A Delta flight was delayed twice when the crew tried to remove two confused pigeons from the cabin. The pigeons were eventually returned to their natural habitat, a Spirit Airlines cabin. Okay. All right.

You're on board. They announced that they can't leave until the pigeon is removed. It's flying around. Nobody can grab it. You happen to be reading a hardbound copy of Stephen King's thousand page opus, The Stand, as the pilot comes on the intercom to say, if they can't get this bird off the plane in the next 10 minutes, the crew times out and the flight will be canceled along with your chances of making your sister's wedding after your parents begged you to take an earlier fight. Okay? The pigeon lands in the aisle next to you. You smashing that bird?

Who's a yes? Who's a no? Who's a no because you don't think you have the stomach for it? Who's a no that would wish somebody else would fucking kill it for you? Disgusting. And finally, the European Space Agency will beam Strauss' blue Danube walls into space this weekend to celebrate the 200th anniversary of the composer's birth. Explain to spokesperson, if there is intelligent life out there in the cosmos,

this is just our way to say to them, we hope you like royalty-free music. Not to be outdone, Jeff Bezos announced that Blue Origin will launch another 50 or 60 women into space as many as he can cram into the capsule. Coming up next, it's center Adam... Adam Schiff. Be right back. -♪

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No longterm commitments or contracts. Just go to stamps.com slash love it. free digital scale, no long-term commitments or contracts, just go to stamps.com slash love it. And we're back. Hey, if you're hearing this, there are just a few tickets left for the World Pride Show that we're doing in DC on June 6, Friday night at the Lincoln Theater. We're just there. We're glad to be coming back.

We're doing a fundraiser with Tim Miller and Sarah Longwell of the bulwark to raise money for the defense of Andre Hernandez Romero and a bunch of other people who have been disappeared to El Salvador. We gotta keep attention on this. We'll be doing a rally during the day. We'll be doing the event at night. So if you're in DC or around DC, come to the show.

And also we'll be tweeting out ways that you can support this fundraiser as well if you can. And then this show will go out on Sunday on the Pod Save America out ways that you can support this fundraiser as well if you can't. And then this show will go out on Sunday on the Pod Save America feed. So you can hear it there. It's going to be fun. We have some great guests lined up. All right.

Please welcome the sage, the man, the red hot chili peppers wrote all their songs about. That's right. It's California's own Senator Adam Schiff. Hi, Senator. Good to see you. Welcome. Good to see you. Welcome. Good to see you. It's, I believe this, we were saying back, this is the first time I've seen you since

you've become a Senator. We talked on Zoom or on video, but this is the first time I've seen you in person since you left behind those fucking little dweebs in the house, those absolute fucking nobodies. That must feel nice to say goodbye to those losers. It does actually. I think of a few particular losers. During the State of the Union, for example, when I walked into the chamber,

there was Annapolina Luna, who her first three out of four bills were attacking me. So one of them was the censor resolution. So I'm walking down the aisle and she looks over at me because of course she's right up against the aisle. She has to be there to say hello to her hero, Donald Trump, when he walks in. And she says very angrily, you're on the Senate now.

And I said, yes, and I guess I should thank you for that. Uh, and she says, you'll go down in history. And I was like, I hope so. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Got her. Uh, now, uh, speaking of your antagonists, did you see what former governor and pardoned felon

Rod Blagojevich called you? He said, you were the Elvis of liars on Fox News this week. Let's roll the clip. And the king of the Democratic liars is Adam Schiff. If there was a Hall of Fame for liars, like there was, let's say, a rock and roll Hall of Fame, Adam Schiff would be Elvis. Wow.

Now, he was removed from office. He served nearly eight years in prison, I believe, for being convicted for trying to sell Obama's vacant Senate seat, but his sentence was commuted by Trump. What's your reaction to this Hall of Fame induction? I was going to say, I've always wanted to be in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame or in the same sentence with Elvis,

but I mean, this is so typical, first of all, of Trump's abuse of the pardon power and the commutation power and all the rest of that. Basically, if you're a convicted felon, all you have to do is say nice things about Donald Trump to get a pass. But these folks either have no sense of self-awareness. It's like Don Jr. attacking Hunter Biden saying you shouldn't traffic on your father's family name. Or they just, you know, they're just following the example of Donald

Trump and it's just shameless attacking over the top stuff and damn the consequences. So we're having a military parade on the president's birthday. It's very cool. Very America with Juche characteristics, you know what I mean? It's a very North Korean. Like I'm embarrassed about it and mad about it. Also just surprised that all it took was for there to be a president who didn't appreciate why we didn't do those kinds of things and now we're doing those kinds of things. What's your reaction to it? Well I'm horrified by it and we see really how much Trump 2.0 is so much worse than Trump 1.0. Trump wanted to do

this in his first administration and the mayor of DC at the time because among other things this would destroy the roads to have these tanks going down the streets in Washington DC. Famously said or tweeted, tanks but no tanks. But now there's no protest to it because the District of Columbia has to worry about the President of the United States essentially trashing the district, withholding any kind of funding

or using other federal means to disenfranchise further the people in the District of Columbia. And it just shows how much danger there is from this now unrestrained executive. But the idea that we're going to have this vanity show, this military vanity show, like Kim Jong-un or EO, like Putin, like Khrushchev, like Andropov, like all these people. This is his way of showing the country, I'm in charge of the military. I can call the military for my birthday. I can call the military for protests.

I can call the military to deport people. So this is my way of putting myself in the league with other despots around the world. Yeah, because I do want to like check myself a little bit because I feel like I have a real aesthetic problem with it, right? Like it doesn't feel American to me. We're not garish in that way.

And we don't celebrate our capacity for military violence in this way. We don't have a war department, we have a defense department, right? And obviously we speak out of both sides of our mouths and we've done terrible things using our military, but we at least had a culture of understanding the value of portraying restraint.

And that's something that bothers me, but I think your point is right, that there's a harm in it, in that he is declaring the military is not America's, it's his. Well, I think it's also, and you're right, we were very much of the Truman School, walk softly, carry a big stick.

We didn't need to be advertising how militarily powerful we were. We were proud to rely on the power of our ideas, backed up by our military strength. But I think what we're seeing now, unlike other military parades like we have on the Fourth of July, which are largely a celebration of the country or they're a celebration of veterans who are serving the country, we're very comfortable, we should be very comfortable with that. No, this is a celebration of the President and his power. And that makes it fundamentally different.

And it's why you're right to have that reaction, that visceral distaste for it. It's so, it's sometimes not the most important thing, right? Because the consequences of his worldview are so dangerous. But every once in a while I'm just struck by just how fundamentally un-American he is and how little he appreciates separation of powers, not for its, not as a means to an end, but just by his own instinct.

Like when he issued this statement recently about athletics in California, right? An issue traditionally one would not think the president would have much time to focus on. But he didn't just say, you know, Gavin Newsom is a new scum or this or that. He said, I order local officials to not allow this one student to be part of whatever this athletic competition is. It's a small thing, but when he ordered the flags

at half staff for the Pope, the one who died, he said, I'm ordering the flags, not just in the federal lands, but in states to lower their flags, which is not power that he has. But what do you make of what he's been able to do so quickly to not just instinctively reject constraints on his power, but actually be able to activate on the fact that he doesn't have those restraints? Well, first of all, let me just say I'm very distracted by whether I should kill the fucking

pigeon. Oh, so I'm still grappling with a part of my- As a vegan. Yes, I know. I know. I know this. I would like you to kill the fucking pigeon. I just haven't decided whether I should kill the pigeon

It is it's breathtaking to me how quickly and radically He has changed the country in a hundred days I thought the first administration would be bad. It was far worse than expected I thought the second would be even worse and it is well beyond any expectation. All of the walls that have come down have been terrifying his attack on the universities and on the lawyers and the law firms and on the press and on any opposition. But I'll tell you what gives me hope and I think there's a lot of reason for hope about this is it took us a while, all of us collectively, to get back on our feet. It was hard the second time because he won the popular vote because we couldn't say,

like we did the first time, people really didn't know what he was, what he represented. We couldn't say that the second time. So it took us a while to get on our feet. But now you see Harvard standing up to this guy, and you see other universities start to follow their example. You see law firms start to fight and win against him, and others start to follow that example

instead of those that capitulated. You see demonstrations now growing in size. You see people willing to assert themselves again, to reclaim the country. And it tells me we're going to get through this. It's going to be hard. We're going to suffer damage along the way. But we've been through other hard times in our history. We'll get through this. Our mission right now has to be to mitigate every harm we can

to remind the country of who we are as a people, of the proud history that we have. Remember during the first impeachment, or as Jason Crow, one of my managers likes to say, the best impeachment. I realized it wasn't a traditional prosecution. I didn't need to just prove him guilty of what he'd been charged as serious as that was. I had to make the case why he could not be returned to office. And it had to do with the fact that we're fundamentally a good country and we're a decent people and he is not who we are. And I still believe that in my bones. He is not who we are. And it's up to us to

remind ourselves of our better angels and to continue making the case about the damage he's doing, the harm he's doing to real people. I don't care what anybody says. They knew he was a crook, but they didn't vote for the corruption, and that's what they're getting. So I want to talk about what we do to appeal. So we have to appeal to people as better angels,

but at the same time, what we have seen is one of the reasons you see some law firms fighting back, you see some colleges fighting back, is we see what capitulation gets you and what it doesn't. Right now, Paramount is in the midst of a negotiation over a settlement over a completely frivolous lawsuit. The lawsuit has no merit whatsoever, yet there are negotiations to potentially pay

15, 16 million dollars as of last reporting. Now, one reason they may do this is because $16 million, which is right off, is maybe worth it to them to get through a merger to get Donald Trump off their back. Now one reason that is less appealing is we have to demonstrate that he doesn't get off your back, he sees your weak, right? That's part of it, that Trump won't let off. But the second piece of this, which I think is harder for us to figure out, it's actually where we have agency, which is they need to be more afraid of consumers, ordinary Americans, the audience, their other customers, and Democrats and what they'll do once they're in power

to hold people accountable for these kinds of capitulations, including whether or not doing a deal like that, even though the lawsuit is frivolous, could be construed as bribery. And I'm wondering if you think Democrats right now are doing enough to kind of make clear that this isn't, in the words of Jonathan V. Last in the bulwark, a kind of Pascal's wager, where you just bet on Trump because Democrats won't punish you, but Trump will. I think, and I've been on

the phone I won't name names to universities I've attended to law firms I've been with to companies that I represent as the now the senator from the state to tell them do not make a deal with this devil. He won't honor it, and you won't find any comfort in the dishonor of making the deal. Because you're right, the law firms that cut a deal, who made the false claim, and maybe they believed it at the time that, oh, no, we wouldn't do any work we're not already going to do, are being asked to do things they would never do. And what's more, no matter what they say, they're also refusing to take cases that they would have taken.

And for these media companies, yeah, the business decision just as a pure business decision is to try to settle and make the problem go away. But the problem is never going to settle and make the problem go away. But the problem is never gonna go away. There's no way you can tell me that ABC having settled and paid off Trump and that money goes right into his pocket isn't going to think twice about running stories that criticize the president. And a paramount CBS makes a payment

so their merger goes through. Again, it's a basically an extortionary payment right into Donald Trump's pocket. You can't tell me that won't affect programming at CBS in the future. And our press has to be stronger and tougher than that. Our companies can't capitulate. There's just nothing for us at the end of this road.

I try to remember my business friends, if you think you can have a good economy and have a poor democracy, you're gonna find out how wrong that is. It's interesting, because even this is this kind of mercenary appeal, which I appreciate. There was a moment when you had,

Halberstam called it like the best and the brightest, kind of ironically, but there were these wealthy people, business leaders or people that had family money, finance people, and they went into government and their whole pitch was, I'm wealthy, right? I can take a government job and I'm not in this for myself. I don't need money on the other side of this. So I'm just in it for the good of the country.

Now there are a lot of problems with that. But I am surprised that someone like a redstone is a billionaire, just a billionaire, yet seems so concerned about the money in this, right? Like when you talk to these people behind the scenes, is there any sense of civic mindedness in these decisions? Any sense that, you know what? Yeah, sure, there's less money for me

if Donald Trump stops a merger, but I have more money than I can ever need, so I'm gonna do the right thing. You know, I had the same question, and maybe it's because I'm just not wired this way. I was talking to a friend about Thomas Baric. You'll remember he was a big donor to Trump's first inauguration and he was indicted on some scheme

involving UAE and I was talking to a friend of mine, why would he do that? Some piddly ass criminal scheme with the UAE as an unregistered lobbyist or whatever it was. Why risk everything for a few dollars more? I just don't understand that." And he said, oh, I understand it very well. In my world, he said, how do you measure your worth, if not your net worth?

Because you compare yourself to others. If you have a nice house, but your neighbor gets a nicer house, then it's not nice enough. If you have a big boat, but your friend has a bigger boat. So that's, there's never enough. There's never enough. You're the world's richest man, Elon Musk. What more do you need? But apparently he needs a lot more and he's ready to take it away from everybody else to get it. I mean there he is cutting deals for Starlink from countries that want to get out from under tariffs. One way to do it is to get the Starlink satellite system.

It's just graph, do you not have enough? Now I suppose for the corporations they would say we have an obligation to shareholders. And imagine that will be the rationalization if this deal is cut over CBS. This is better for shareholders. But the American people are shareholders in our society. And they are too.

And they need to think about that broader obligation to the broader pool of shareholders. I think history has always looked kindly on the people that do monstrous things on behalf of the shareholders. I think people really appreciate that. No. No.

No. No. No. No. And you know what that sound means. Another pigeon has gone to heaven. Another pigeon. Well, Republicans are making deal after deal

with the devil to get their tax cuts passed, to get pardons, whatever it may be, as Trump is cashing in all over the world, we've got to ask ourselves, what are the deals with the devil we might be willing to take? In a segment we're calling, Life in the Faust Lane.

I have some deals with the devil for our senator, I have some deals with the devil for our senator. I can see you spared no expense with the props here. Nope. Got the production value. It's a podcast. All right. Here's your first deal with the devil. Vegan cheese finally tastes like cheese, but every time you eat it, you hear a baby crying.

Nobody else hears the baby, but for you, it's just loud enough that you can hear the conversation, but it's distracting. Oh, geez. Well, I really miss a good pizza. How loud is the baby crying? It's exactly. It's like there are two rows behind you on the plane.

You can still talk, you can live your life. You're not missing, but you're saying, what? I'm sorry, there's a baby, but only you hear it, so you can't say that because you'll sound crazy. Oh my God. This is like the pigeon all over again. These moral dilemmas on airplanes, I can't handle it. I think I'd have to go for the really good vegan cheese.

Yeah, I think that's right because you can always say no but at least it's an option. I can enjoy the pizza and say, will you keep it down back there? Right, right, yeah, that's true. You know, I cooked a vegan meal for my rabbi. Next up. Was it a vegan ham? No, I made a pie with tofu. I made like a pudding pie with tofu. It was good. I brought it to the office. The vegans loved it. I think it sounds like a bizarre take on Sweeney Todd there. Yeah. It's the best pies in Los Angeles. All right. Next up, speaking of Los Angeles, you can reopen the Arclight with the stroke of a pen, but it will only play Marvel movies.

Oh, well, I would probably not reopen it. Wow. That's tough, that's tough. All right, I gotta figure out what happened. It's just sitting there fucking closed. I can't get any information about it. There's been no reporting about it. You're a sinner, you should dig into it. Actually, I looked into this, I kid you not,

because I like going out to the movies, and that's a great theater. And the answer that I got was that, unlike of the other ArcLites that have reopened, that one owns the land, I believe. So they're trying to sell it. So the land is more valuable. And I think that may be the issue. They either own the land or they don't own the land.

But it's what distinguished that one from other ArcLite-owned properties. Just been sitting there closed for five years. It's an outrage. It's criminal. It is. I would not pardon that guy. Thank you. Thank you for saying that. All right, next up.

California has high-speed rail from San Diego to Sacramento, but when you take the high-speed train north, you do have high-speed diarrhea. But when you take the train south, you're nude. I'm not sure what answer is available here. What am I choosing between? You can have the train, but that's the deal.

You've got to either be nude or have diarrhea. Yeah, that's right. You get it. It probably depends on who else is in the compartment. Well, it depends how popular this deal is. Everyone's gonna face the same moral dilemma. I think the way south will be popular. I think I'd rather walk. Okay.

Next, the state of California converts entirely to clean wind and solar power, but the only song that's allowed to play on the radio is the James Blunt cover of Katy Perry's California Girl. Let's take a listen. I know a place where the grass is really greener, warm, wet and white. Okay, I would take that deal. The only deal I wouldn't take is if the song where it's a small world after all. Oh, yeah.

Because I can never get that out of my head once I hear it. Every once in a while the small world ride at Disneyland stops and someone loses their mind and jumps out of the boosh. Somebody did that, took off all their clothes one time. Maybe they were trying to get a train ride. And they had diarrhea. They did. They did. They did. Oh, here's the last one. You'll never be stuck in traffic again, but whenever you go to sleep, your dreams will

be exclusively about traffic. Oh, huh. I wouldn't take that deal. No, I'd rather dream about pigeons. Okay. Now, before you go, you're doing a charity ride. What are you doing and how far are you going? So I'm doing the first day of the AIDS Lifecycle Ride.

I did the whole ride, 540 miles, as a House member. I wanted to do it as a Senator, but we have votes on Monday. So I can just do the first day, it's 80 miles, and I have not had that much time to train. So if any of you are in the ride, just keep on pedaling, go right past, and I'll be fine. But I'm really excited about it. All right, great.

Well, Senator Schiff, thank you so much for being here. It was so fun to talk to you. Really good to see you. What a pleasure. Thank you, good to see you. Yeah, good to see you. What a pleasure. Good to see you. Yeah, good to see you. Center Adam Ship, everybody. Thanks everybody. We'll be right back.

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Hi, welcome. Good to see you. Thanks for being here. Hi. Oh, God, Jon, it's an honor. How are you doing? I thought we were doing a bowing thing. No, no.

Yeah, it was really good. Okay. Hi. Senator was here. Yeah. Yeah? And now us. No, no, yeah, it was really good. Okay. Hi! Senator was here. Yeah.

Yeah? And now us. Now, Jo. You have a murder mystery coming out next month called Murder on Sex Island, a Luella Van Horn mystery. Yes. Who did it? I can't tell you, that would be all the sales.

Now, great. Pass the sales. Now, great. Pass the test. Now we were inspired by the idea, the idea being the mystery of murder, that we thought we'd bring all of you here tonight to solve some of the mysteries that we've been facing. In a second, we're calling Mystery Meet. Oh, oh, look what you've done with the graphics.

Wow. It's incredible, the graphics you've done. All right, let's start with this. This week, the press captured video of French president Emmanuel Macron's wife, Brigitte, pushing him in the face as the pair deplained in Vietnam. It's the moment where he realizes the door's open and he can be seen. What? I love that. That is the most, what a funny, what a comedy move. Like, blah.

Now, Macron played down the incident saying, we are squabbling and rather joking. And he asked the press not to blow it into a sort of geoplanetary catastrophe. What do we think they were fighting about? French stuff probably. Yeah. Definitely something. Whatever it is, I can't understand a word. I'm not sold it's a fight.

It seems like a sex thing. Yes. Doesn't it feel a little hot? Wasn't Macron the one who had an affair with like his like tutor or something like that? I think that's the teacher. His wife is older. He's married to that lady still think that's the teacher. His wife is older. He's married to that lady still?

She's in a 30 year age gap. Yeah. So, right? Oh, so that's just, that's their dynamic. He probably didn't do his homework. Yes, she said, you didn't do your chickenometry. Ugh, ugh, you're acting wrong, my crone. That's crazy, I didn't know they were still together.

Yeah, no, they stuck it out for sure sure she's not anymore to be clear or isn't she yeah You never know I do think it's like they got off of a private plane, right? That's the hope a little plane right a little one a little one Little private what's the what's the French version of Air Force One? Do they have like... I think it's like petit-poo. And they, I would say that I am angry after travel. But if I was flying a little petit-poo and I came off of that and wanted to hit my young husband,

I would say something is going on. Young husband hit after private plane, ba-di-boo. What else is there to say? What else is there to say? I rest my case. Yeah, I mean, that's it. The defense rests. The panel rests.

All right. Ba-di-boo. They do have a psychosexual energy at all times. Very sexual. I wish I had that relationship where I would leave a dinner party and people would be like, they have such a psychosexual relationship. Doesn't that feel like the best thing?

I mean, don't we all? You know what I'm saying? I don't think I've ever had anything that's been psychosexual. I wish, I wish like I would have like. Have you had either psycho or sexual? Of course, one. Yeah.

But wouldn't it be amazing? Yeah. Oh, oh, honey, your eye's bleeding. I said, oh, it's part of my psycho-sexual relationship. I like, I want to have something psycho-sexual. I don't feel like Michael Douglas. That's awesome. I just watched that movie.

That is a movie that's very popular. What's wild is that it's... That movie from like 1989? Yeah, have you seen it? It's very popular. There are... It is, you're right. But the crazy part is you could be talking about three or four movies because he was in psychosexual drama over and over again.

He's in disclosure. He's in fatal attraction. He's in basic instinct, right? That's the one I saw. Yeah, and in every single movie it's like are we gonna kill each other or are we gonna have sex? Yes, and the answer is yes. Yeah They don't make psychosexual films anymore. They don't do that anymore. Oh yeah, baby girl. Baby girl. Cause of the milk. The Nicole Kidman one? Oh I didn't see it. I'll see it. It's psychosexual. No, you're right, that is psychosexual. Yeah. But otherwise I agree, but Oh, I didn't see it. I'll see it. It's psychosexual. No, you're right.

That is psychosexual. You're right. But otherwise, I agree. But that's what I loved about it, is that it was... Wasn't right. It felt like no one's going to kill each other. Everyone's having a good time. Yeah, you didn't think anyone was going to kill each other.

Oh, and that's where the psycho comes in. Yeah, I see what you're saying. Sure, sure, sure, sure, sure, sure. Basic instinct was really hard to watch. I had to pause it. At which point? Yeah, there's a specific point he's thinking of. Yeah.

I know what I'll pause it at. When it happened for you. You know what's crazy? What? Is, you know, these things that... Iconic moments in film. Sure. You never expect... You never expect these things to be,

you know, you think that they're gonna pause it in the film. No. See, this was the crazy moment. Like in the movie theaters. Yeah, and they just go right past it. Just pause it and have an attendant go out and go, could you believe that shit? All right, everybody ready?

Cue it back up. That's what I would like. That would be good. Next up, Tom Cruise made the rounds recently promoting Mission Impossible The Final Reckoning, which the actor actually clings to the wing of an airplane as it hurtles through the air at 140 miles per hour. We have a clip.

You can't imagine how physically punishing it was for Tom to be on the wing. That's what Emmanuel Macron's wife was doing. Yeah, OK. Yeah, okay. Sure, yeah. You know, this isn't my original thought, but every, like, I've heard other people say this, but like every single time I see one of these, I'm like, I think Tom Cruise has wanted to die

for a long time. I love it. It's so populous to be like, do I live or do I die? I do it for your delight. I belong to you. He doesn't own his own body anymore. It's so cool. It's so good. We own him.

Yeah. Yeah. I think we're five years out from being in one of those like TV shows where it's like, we can push a button and if enough of us push a button, like he has to let go of the plane. Yeah. Yeah.

I don't think we're far from that. And what's crazy, if that's what the instructions were, he'd fucking do it for us. He'd do it for sure. Yeah. He'd certainly do it for cinema. He cares about it for sure! He'd certainly do it for cinema. If he knew I'd break box office records, he'd be like, absolutely. In a heartbeat.

Shoot me with a gun live in the Regal Cinema Union Square if that's what it needs. If it'll make a billion dollars in the box office. Absolutely. I can't wait for him to go to space in that movie. You know about this? Yeah, no, he's going to space. He's going to space. They're doing a movie where he goes to space.

I believe they don't have a script. He just was like, I want to go to space in a movie. And they're like, for sure, my guy. The morning show. They have two plot points. One is that he's going to go to space. And two, he's going to shake hands with a beautiful woman. That's what he wants.

He wants a firm, he's like, oh, the- Gail King will be the woman. They go up together. Look, as I get closer to the female lead in this film, at our highest, most heightened emotional, psychosexual moment, we will do a firm handshake to announce that we are partners in my space mission. And that's what I love about his movies now too. Tom Cruise and Katy Perry dappin' each other up.

Absolutely. That's their want to do. Yeah, that's beautiful. He's been reckoning for so long, I'm glad he gets to do one last wreck. Just one, that's the last one? Yeah, that's it. That's what I want. Yeah, that's beautiful. Um, he's been reckoning for so long. I'm glad he gets to do one last rack Just one this the last one. Yeah, that's it. That's it. There was the penultimate reckoning. Mm-hmm. What a catchy name Yeah, they're changed and now the final one Yeah, and and he'll die for us and you know, does the movie make sense? I don't remember doesn't need to doesn't need to his cousin is an actor

Remember doesn't need to doesn't need to his cousin is an actor Who is cousin what's his cousin's name um his cousin was in a show Actually, I think that maybe we don't need to go on this This cousin wasn't lost is what the audience is saying someone said loss his cousin. No. No. I didn't see that Wrong Joe hasn't seen it that means it can't be true Someone the microphone is speaking What what did you see seen it, that means it can't be true. Someone with a microphone is speaking. What did you see? I actually think that it's time to move on. Okay.

Okay. Next up, we have Patti LuPone talking about Audra McDonald. This week in the New Yorker interview, Patti LuPone talking about Audra McDonald. This week in the New Yorker interview, Patti LuPone said, fellow Broadway legend Audra McDonald is, quote, not a friend. She also described her seven year relationship with Kevin Kline as painful and said,

Trump controlled Kennedy Center should get blown up. I missed that part, because I only really focused on the Audra McDonald part. When asked how Audra McDonald is doing as the current lead in Gypsy, the same show Patti won a Tony for in 2008, Lepone sat in silence for 15 seconds and then said, what a beautiful day. Now, it's insane.

True hatership. That's crazy. And then when, so now Audra McDonald was asked, hey, this is weird. Here's what Patty Lepone just did. And Audra McDonald was, I haven't talked to her in years, I have no idea what this is about. That rules. Wow. And did you get to the part in the interview where she's going to town on a baby artichoke? Yeah, that's the best part.

I like that part too. She orders a fried artichoke and she really goes to town and then she tells the table next to her that they're being too loud. Which is hard to imagine. It's hard to imagine Patti LuPone being at a table in a small cafe and that's not the loudest table. Remember when Patti LuPone yelled at a photographer

for taking pictures? And it was in fact a photographer hired by the show. It was incredible. And that didn't come out until later. That part's been erased from the narrative completely. Patti stood up against phone culture and it's like she yelled at somebody who worked there. Yeah, literally.

That's Paul. How dare you hear me right now? Wait, can we go back to the photo that we had up before we move on really quickly? This feels clear to me that whoever runs the show has chosen sides. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, that's like if you look here, you got Audra McDonald looking like Felicia Rashad

at her finest. You know what I'm saying? Totally. That looks like Claire Huxtable at her best. And then we've got Patti LuPone straight up looking like Danny DeVito when he played the Penguin. Yeah. That's a Batman Returns-ass photo.

That's a little homie who climbed up from the sewers, if I've ever seen one. That's crazy. Did you know in that movie he's just trying to find his parents? What? The penguin? Mm. Is that... Is that true? Yeah.

I thought he was just trying to wreak havoc and become the mayor. No, he's trying to find his parents because he was left in the basket, like Moses. And Danny DeVito, you know his cousin's an actor too. Yeah. But he does not want to say any more about that. Yeah, we can't talk about that anymore.

If you knew who I was talking about, and you knew that- Well, someone does! And you silenced them. They knew I didn't see that show! He said, I know who it is. Joe Firestone looks out the window for 15 seconds in silence. And then says, it's a lovely day. It's just so interesting to think about why it can't be mentioned. That's what's so interesting.

I know that I don't know the name of the show. And I know that it'll take know the name of the show. And I know that it'll take me all year to figure it out. Does anyone, can I ask you something though, because seriously? Do you want me to name more of the person's credits? Maybe we'll get to the show. That actually might be helpful, but can I ask you something really quick? Does anyone ever say, oh, you're John Lovett. Uh, huh.

People think I'm John Lovett, and that actually helps with the booking of this show. Yeah, sure. We have some really confused. I'm frustrated right now, to learn. It tends to, every once in a while there'll be like a. So many questions about the critic to ask. Yeah, no, well, yeah.

I get surprised the number of questions about my stepmom is an alien believe it or not Josh You have an off-roadway show called tada tada tada Premiering next month directed by Oh Mary Sam Pinkleton. Yeah Wow good guy. That's really cool. Let's get this out there. Attack a Broadway legend.

Oh yeah. Who should we attack? Let's start a feud. Oh, I'll attack Kola Scola. Oh yeah. Yeah, get them. Well, they're not funny. Everyone knows that.

Right. And they've cribbed everything from open micers. They're doing such hack stuff. Everybody's doing their Mary Todd Lincoln impressions at the open mics. If you was at the mic in 2016, we was all doing that. You saw O'Mary, we were all doing Mary Todd. Yeah, we were always doing that. And they took my hairstyle. Yeah, yeah, and your whole sort of sense of fashion, quite honestly. I like this watch. Hey, thank you so much. I got it online. That's nice. Oh, I love buying stuff online. We both do that.

It's nice. Do you have any boxes? You like to take something home, you mean? Do you have boxes at your house? Boxes, yeah. Cardboard? For sure. Could I have them?

Yeah, come with me after the show. I'll get you some boxes. I got boxes. Because I was going to go to Staples in the morning. Buy boxes? No, buy with me after the show. I'll get you some boxes. I got boxes. Because I was going to go to Staples in the morning. Buy boxes? No. You never have to buy things. You don't have to buy salt packets, napkins, boxes.

Yeah. Napkins? Cloth? Well, cloth, yeah. You can't take those from the restaurant. But paper napkins you can just grab anywhere. Family style. Family style.

You know, this is really awesome. I've known Joe Firestone for years, but this is the first time I've ever made the connection that Joe is basically a white Tracy Morgan Wow That is or is Tracy the white Joe fire say that say that it's sort of a chicken or a That is this is incredible, I have never, honestly, what a compliment. No, it is. Just like the funniest person who's like thinking

on a wavelength that like we haven't accessed it, but once we catch up, we're gonna be like, well, they were a genius all along. Yeah, yeah. It's like if you went and played like Van Halen for Benjamin Franklin, he'd be freaked out. Yeah. Deism. That was. Yeah. Deism.

That was his religion. Yes, you're right. He was a deist. That's right. As in Jefferson too, right? What was his deal? He cut all the words out of the Bible, remember? Deism.

Jefferson did? Yeah. Why? You know, that wasn't... Every word? No, just the... So there were no words left? Because I don't see the point. Did he just need the paper? Just stop.

Just don't do that. What's crazy is that there were scissors back then. Were there? Do we know that? Because that's like a big deal with a scissor. They're like, no, no, I have a crazy idea. Two knives at once. No.

One hand. No. It's crazy. Don't do it. Magic, if you hadn't seen scissors and somebody explained it, you'd be like, you're an idiot. You. One hand. No. Don't do it. Imagine if you had an incision scissors and somebody explained it, you'd be like, you're an idiot. You're going to cut yourself. What a stupid idea. Why would anyone ever need that?

I got a knife. And they're like, what if you had two and a fulcrum point? What? Yeah. No, no, no. With holes for your fingers. What? What?

In the blanks? Do you think the tool came first or the lesbian act? Do you think one was... Do you think lesbians did it and somebody went, that's how I should cut paper? Probably, right? Probably. Probably.

Probably. You gotta, you gotta assume, you gotta assume the act is first. Yeah. I've been tearing it and it looks like shit. You gotta assume, you gotta assume the act is first. I've been tearing it and it looks like shit. And with elegance these women are making love. Think of the smooth lines I could have on my paper cuts. Somebody saw Eleanor Roosevelt getting busy and they were like, Oh, okay, no.

They're not ready. They're not ready. They're not ready to picture that. You understand. In my mind I was like it's You understand. They're not ready for that conversation. In my mind, I was like, it's Eleanor Roosevelt and Amelia Earhart for some reason. Yeah, that makes sense to me. Okay, we're on the same page. Can I tell you something bad about LA? Okay? I'm just going to tell you something bad about LA. At last. Yeah. Okay? Every time I've gone to a party in LA, someone asks if I'm dressed like Amelia Earhart.

And can I just clarify a question, and I'll sort of just scientifically set a Earhart. Wow. Can I just clarify a question, and I'll sort of just scientifically set a control group. When you lived in New York, did this happen at all? Absolutely not. Okay. Interesting. And do you dress differently in LA? Because it's warmer.

No, I don't dress any different. And every- That's true, you dress the exact same here. I can verify that. That's true. As someone who's known you a long time. I'm not going to Halloween parties. I'm going to normal parties where people say,

are you dressed like Amelia Earhart? What kind of people are here? Oh! Who's the most famous person who accused you of that? Can you name any names? Uh, Charles Lindbergh. So you're going to a lot of sort of pretty anti-Semitic parties, it sounds like. So these are pretty anti-Jewish events that you're going to a lot of sort of pretty anti-Semitic parties it sounds like.

So these are pretty anti-Jewish events that you're attending. America first kind of a place. So no wonder. I guess I didn't mention that part. Next up, at Sunday's American Music Awards, Benson Boone back flipped off a flight of stairs to the stage. Take a look. He's always doing that. He's always doing that.

I'll just say he came to SNL and they had this nigga doing flips like a circus animal. It was crazy. It was crazy. They had him doing promos just doing flip after flip after flip like he was a dolphin. He's used to it. He's used to it. Leave this man alone. Let him sing his little songs.

He's Mormon? Yeah. They've had him flipping since nine. He's drinking soda and flipping. Yeah. We know this. He sings a song about how his wife, or he's got a girl, and he doesn't. Yeah, don't assume.

Yeah. He sings that song. I've got a girl, and I've got my life, and then the worst thing is it's going away. Thank you, God. Right. Isn't that the song? It's something like, yeah, for yes.

Why is it going away? It's just like, you know that? He's worried he's going to lose everything. Yes, that's right. He has all the things in the world and he's worried that it's going to go away. Right. And then why does he say thank you God to that? It's like, God, oh, that's, uh, how does it go?

You know the song. God, I got. So Devin, you have a new podcast. My Favorite Lyrics, where you talk to comedians about their favorite lyrics. So these are Joe's. Yeah. Yes. Do you think that an executed backflip is sort of good for the music, is good for art?

Do I think doing backflips is good for art? I mean, yeah, absolutely. I think the more, I think the more difficult physical stunts an artist can pull off, the more I can respect them. Yeah, for sure. Because, you know, a lot of people can, you know, sing scream into a microphone, but to get those kinds of abs. Yeah, to be able to get abs. And you know what I will say about him is he will complete the flip. He's never lip syncing either. he'll complete the flip and then continue like singing like nothing happened respect that's full respect that's like

pink when pinks flying around singing I'm like respect whoa that's so true yeah she's doing like Cirque du Soleil at her concerts I got the song I thought you were about to say at her age Both things impressive Oh you got it now? Yeah. Wow!

Beautiful things that I've got. Wow! Yeah. Right. That's what that song's about. Yeah. Oh, is that what? Oh.

I'm literally putting it together. You're literally. This is what I'm talking about. She's thinking on a different level. Yeah. Wow! Wow! Wow!

Beautiful things that I've got. Wow! Yeah. In a recent episode of Let's Talk Off Camera with Kelly Ripa, Jeremy Renner recalls briefly dying while being crushed in a freak snowplow accident on New Year's Day in 2023. You don't see anything but what's in your mind's eye. Like you're, you're, you're the atoms of who you are, the DNA, like you're, you know, your, your spirit is, it's like, um, it's a, it's like a highest adrenaline rush, but the piece that comes with it, you know, now that's him talking about dying. Tracy Morgan.

I mean, they're, they're everywhere. And here's, here he is talking about, uh, returning to the realm of the living. I didn't want to come back. I remember. And I was brought back and I was so pissed off. I came back and I'm like, oh, and I saw the eyeball again. I'm like, oh, not the eyeball. Uh, also, wait a second. I know this is beside the point, but why the fuck does Kelly Ripa have a podcast?

Cause I don't know. That's crazy. It's called, let's talk about this off air. And she does it on air. Right. does Kelly Ripa have a podcast? Cause I don't know. That's crazy. It's called, let's talk about this off air. And she does it on air. Right. Off camera. I see.

She's like, finally I can take the makeup off. Sure. Yeah, okay. Just audio. Take it back. Kelly Ripa has to have a podcast. Everybody's got to have a podcast now. She's been on TV every day for like 25 years.

And doing a talk show, which is a podcast. It's not like she's like, oh, finally I get to break the, take the mask off. Yeah, that's crazy. You've seen me play the, all these villains, but now you get to know the real Kelly Ripa. Yeah. It's like, Hey, I know podcasting seems easy, but it's not. So what happened?

He got trapped under snow. He got trapped under a snowplow. Snowplow falls on top. Remember there was like, we were, now that I've heard him talk about it, because we joked about it at the time, but you didn't realize like, oh my God, he died. The plow fell on top of him somehow.

I don't really remember the details of it, but the plow goes on top of him and he was fucked up for a while. He really, I guess he really did like leave the realm. Here's our mystery. What did he see beyond the veil? It's hard to know really, but it does seem like, you know, you'd hope an angel.

And he was referencing an eyeball. It seemed to be a giant eyeball. Something, an eyeball in the sky. His own eyeball. His own, he saw his own eyeball? Well, that you're never supposed to see. Wait, it came out? You shouldn't see that.

Is that a real thing? Yes. His eyeball fell out of his fucking head? Your eyeballs can fall out. Any of my god. Your eyeballs can fall out. And his cousin's an actor too, you said? Yeah.

Oh my god. Wow. But eyeballs can fall out. Yeah, they definitely can. Oh, that's horrific. That's horrific. That's why you didn't want to come back. That's why you didn't want to. Yeah, they definitely can. Oh, that's horrific. That's horrific. That's why you didn't want to come back. That's why you didn't want to come back.

I get that. Yeah, if your eyes are all outside your head, it's like, you don't want to. You never want to see the back of your eyeball. Well, I didn't know any of this about Mr. Renner. I really have a lot of empathy for him. He got crushed by the snow plow and then he went and did another Avengers movie?

Oh, well, well, well, the TV show. Damn. The TV show? the TV show. Damn. The TV show? Archery Man. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, that's pretty much what it is. Oh, did Hawkeye get a TV show? Hawkeye is a very good TV show.

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And then next week, right here at dynasty typewriter, we have our pride show with Joel can booster, Cleo Duval, Brendan Skinnell, Adam Ripon, Darby Lynn Cartwright, Alexis Bavell's and Sabrina Wu. It's going to be a really good time. So if you're in LA, grab tickets at crooked.com slash events. All right. Thank you for that. All of those people are straight. They're all straight.

All of those people are straight. They're all straight, which is insane. Terrible, terrible job booking that show. And this one while you're at it. All right, let's turn the lights up. Oh. We got some saucy bitches on the stage. And so we've decided to give the live audience an ounce of their powers in a segment we're calling it Love It or Leave Grill Marks.

Nice. Now, please raise your hand because you're going to tell us about someone or something from your life that you would like us to roast. Then our guest will help provide a sick burn? Do you need help like examples? An example is like um like someone who cut in front of you lying at the grocery store. Yeah or like Jews. You know you would really love these parties. So the other day I was crossing the street and there was two men in a big truck and they

had a police siren and they went, and we were like, are the police coming? And then they had a microphone and they said, people crossing, people crossing, which was kind of funny. But maybe you could roast them, I don't know. I don't know. I didn't know. It's hard, I have so many clarifying questions.

Yeah, and I just don't know if you heard our examples of grocery store and shoes. Any questions you have, I'm here. I'm willing to answer them. Were you crossing with the light and they were helping you, or you thought they were mocking you? They weren't helping me by playing a police siren while I was trying to cross.

Were they driving past you, or were they parked? No, it was one of those crosswalks where they have to stop because it's like a walk, crosswalk. Oh, got you. Yeah, so I was in the crosswalks where they have to stop because it's like a walk crosswalk Yeah, so I was like in the crosswalk and they were like people crossing people crossing now Can I ask this is a slightly delicate question? Some men they don't have words. Do you think you're being hit on? No, cuz it was we were together. It was just people crossing. Maybe they just didn't respect him, you know what I mean? Yeah. Or they're bi!

Or they're bi, and they were trying to get a bussio. They didn't say people crossing. I have to say, it didn't have the energy of a catcall. It wasn't like a weird sexual thing. We're actually really creative with how we do it now. Be annoying. Did I have catcalling in LA? Yeah, I've been trying it.

Whoa Amelia! Wait, Joe, can you give your best catcall to the person who asked the question? Yeah, I would be like, people crocheting. Thank you for raising your hand. Thank you for going first. See, now the hands start going first. Pretty good. See, now the hands start going up every goddamn time. They saw the caliber of roasts they'll get.

Yeah, I think sometimes roasts feel scary because it's like, oh, the oven's up to 450, but then it's like, no, no, we're just putting carrots in here. That's a great point. That's such a good point. Also, by the way, for a lot of the time you're cooking a roast, you don't cook it that hot. Oh, cause you're talking about, yeah. Like a roast. Yeah, I know what you're talking about.

You don't turn the, when you're roasting a roast, you actually don't turn it to roast. Not right away, maybe at the end. You use one of those bidet pans. Bidet pans? Yeah, what? Bidet pans? What are they called?

Oh, I know a word you're, I, it's also French. Like shoots up the water and you're asking? No, no, no, no. Well, that's what you said, Joe. That's a bidet. And words matter. Brip, brip. Should I go?

Should you go? Fair, totally fair. Do you know what I'm talking about though, the bidet pan? I don't. I know, yeah.. Okay so I have a lot of tattoos and when people come to ask me about them they always got to touch them. Oh. Like I was I was at a movie theater like waiting in line to get snacks or whatever and this guy is just like wow wow, look at your ink.

I was just like, where did you get them? And like, I had to like walk away from, and this happens all the time. People always gotta touch him. I didn't know that that was something that happened. Me neither, I'm learning. So you're looking for something to say back to this person when someone's touching your tattoo?

Yeah, sure, it's always just this awkward thing where I have to this person when someone's touching your tattoo? Yeah, sure. It's always just this awkward thing where I have to be like, please stop touching me. And then there's just this silence where they're looking at me like I'm crazy or like I just said something super rude. And these are complete strangers. Yes.

I think as soon as they reach for you, you should be like, help! Yeah. That'll disarm anybody immediately and I guarantee you they won't, help! Yeah. That'll disarm anybody immediately and I guarantee you they won't make contact. Yeah. That's not a rose so much as it is just a life suggestion. Yeah.

Have you thought about having a whistle? Just having a whistle at all times. A whistle really keeps people at bay, I think. It just sort of is a surprising thing to hear at the movies. Ooh, or you could get a big truck with a police siren. Ooh. Yes, you should reach out to the people crossing guys. You know, I want- to hear at the movies or... Or you could get a big truck with a police siren. Yes, you should reach out to the people crossing guys. You know, I want... People touching, people touching.

But if we want to get into the spirit of... I mean, you could go something down. I'm just going to give an area. An area would be like, if your wife won't let you touch her, why do you think a stranger would be interested? How about that? Oh, yeah. You know? I know what you mean. And then it'd be like, I'm not married. You're like, of do you think a stranger would be interested? How about that? Oh yeah. And then it'd be like, I'm not married.

You're like, of course you're not. You're not likable. Wow. You don't have a good personality. You're reaching out to a stranger because you're so fucking alone. And by the way, this won't help. There's something wrong with you.

You're wrong. You're wrong. You'll never be right. There's something wrong with you and it will never, ever be fixed. You can try that. There's something wrong with you and it will never ever be fixed You could try that You should have put that in one of the Obama speeches I was thinking just if you wanted to do it. I just a quick one where it's like, uh, touch your own arms.

Okay. That's good. That's good. But I will say sometimes, you know, I know it doesn't look like it up here, but I am a little bit shorter than other people, and sometimes people pick me up like a bug. Like with a glass? And I gotta be like, pump it down!

What'd you say? Like with a glass and a piece of paper? No, not with a glass, but sometimes people will be like, put me down. What'd you say? Like with a glass and a piece of paper? No, not with a glass, but sometimes people will be like, can I pick you up? And I'm like, no, no, no! And then they pick me up and my legs are dangling like a bug, you know? And then I said, Jane, put me down! And then I would say sometimes I'm like, you shouldn't have done that. That's good.

That's really good. That's really good. Oh, I have one. Wait, Joe be touching my tattoos. Yeah That's good, that's good, that's really good Let's do it. Here's somebody up here. There's somebody back there. Hello. Hi Alright, so I drive a lot. I have a lot of long drives and everything and you know, thank you. Yeah Sometimes I like to listen to podcasts and everything on these long drives and everything. Well you're at the right show. Oh yeah, perfect.

And you know, I like to get my news from podcasts too. And you know, there's this one guy who uses very pessimistic and very realist statistics and his name may or may not be Dan Pfeiffer. Oh, okay. So how do I cope with his realism? So you want me to figure out how to insult Dan Pfeiffer, my co-host. I mean, you're saying that.

You're the one saying that. You're saying Dan Pfeiffer is delivering hard truths that are too hard for you to, maybe you should check out Kelly Ripa's podcast. I think you'll find a pleasant experience there, though occasionally it gets pretty dark. I'm just gonna say. I've only heard one episode and it was about

Jeremy Renner fucking dying and his eyeball coming out. Kelly Ripa's TV show. That's a pleasant experience. Dan never talks about what it's like to pierce God's veil and see to the other side and wish he didn't have to come back. He never talks about that. It's just polling. Yeah, it sounds like you got roasted and I'm sorry about that. Yeah, that's right. That's right. It wasn't supposed to happen like that. It was friendly fire. Oh, friendly fire. We got you. We got you. Yeah, I mean, I guess what I would say is,

eat shit, Dan. All right, let's do one more. Hi there. Hi. Hi. Here in town from Sacramento, and I got a good roast, so. The mentalist.

Yes. I was at the AOC Burn Rally in Folsom, the one with like 30,000 people. It was insane. And there was this dude flying a plane over this rally. AOC burn rally in Folsom the one with like 30,000 people is insane and There was this dude flying a plane over this rally for a good like 45 minutes. Was Tom Cruise hanging on it? Yeah, pretty much. I mean just about okay Yeah, so this guy was just like flying over the flying over the crowd for like 40 45 minutes So yeah, just to be obnoxious you think? I think so.

Oh, buzzing ya. Oh, I see. He could use a good roasting. Oh wow. Yeah, I mean, I just say I think something like there's something wrong with you. You're broken and it'll never be right. And he was in like a little, what are they called? A pitipoo? I mean, isn't that like one of the most dangerous, like people die in that all And he was in like a little, what are they called? A pitipoo. A pitipoo? Mm-hmm. I mean, isn't that like one of the most dangerous, like people die in that all the time, right? Flying those little things. Those little planes.

I'm pretty sure he's gonna roast himself. Yeah, he's gonna get roasted pretty good. There is something interesting, because this happened in LA after Trump won. There were these kind of caravans of pickup trucks like driving around, like I saw them in, you saw them? They were driving around.

People crossing, people crossing. People crossing, people crossing. But they had like giant Trump flags that seemed quite custom. And they were just driving around with like air horns and making noise and taking up space, driving through. I saw them in Burbank, I saw them in Los Feliz. And I caught the eyes of one guy passing in,

he had this look on it like, yeah, you're pissed. And it's like, I'm good. Like I was actually, this is a little annoying, but there was something really interesting about it because it was like, oh wow, the, like the psychic victory you thought you would feel the emotional release, like you thought you were going to feel better when Trump won. You thought Trump win was going to feel like winning in a kind of deeper way for you, but clearly it's not. Clearly you're not getting enough out of Trump's victory

to satisfy that emptiness that led you to be so excited and supportive of him in the first place. So now you're gonna get in your truck and get right up next to the liberals that you think are sad. But isn't it strange how as much as you want schadenfreude to feel good, it doesn't work, does it? Maybe a little bit, maybe for a second, but it doesn't last, it doesn to feel good, it doesn't work, does it? Maybe a little bit, maybe for a second,

but it doesn't last, it doesn't fucking keep. It doesn't work. So that guy's driving around in a fucking airplane, trying to ruin some stranger's day because there's something broken in him that Trump winning couldn't fix because it never could because it's all a fucking lie. And I think he'll never hear that.

We won't reach him with that, but it's nice for us to think about, I think. It's a roast we can hold in here. Yeah. Yeah. Also, it's like, if you're flying, if you've ever been in an airplane, you don't really get to know what's going on down below. Have we considered maybe he was lost?

Yeah. Yeah. Like somebody that you're dressed as all the time. Yeah! Yeah! That is so LA of you. Like somebody that you're dressed as all the time. Yeah! That is so LA of you. Alright, good job everybody. Thank you for your questions.

Thank you to Joe, Devin, and Josh. Josh's Tada will begin off-Broadway this July at the Greenwich House Theatre. Tickets are on sale now at joshsharptada.com. You can listen to my favorite lyrics wherever you got your podcast and Murder on Sex Island, a Luella Van Horn mystery hits stores in June. I'm excited about that. That's cool. And that's our show. That's it. Thank you to Center, Out & Shift, Joe Firesome, Devin Walker, and Josh Sharp. We'll see you next week for our special Pride Show at Dynasty. There are 521 days until the midterms. Have a great night and have a great weekend.

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And if you want to type our praises or rip us a new one, consider dropping us a review. Finally, you can join Crooked's Friends of the Pods subscription community for ad-free Love It or Leave It and Pods Save America episodes, subscriber exclusive pods, and more. Sign up at crooked.com slash friends. Love It or Leave It is a Crooked media production. It is written and produced by me, John Lovett and Lee Eisenberg. Kendra James is our executive producer. Bill McGrath is our producer and Kennedy Hill is our associate producer. Hallie Kiefer is our head writer. Sarah Lazarus, Jocelyn Coffin, Peter Miller, Alan Pierre and Will Miles are our writers.

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