Lovett or Leave It - Ginni Thomas’s Unlimited Text Plan

Episode Date: March 26, 2022

Live from the Lincoln Theatre, Lovett or Leave It storms Washington, D.C. and seizes its jumbo slices. Crooked’s own Damon Young is stuck on cancel culture, while Kamala Harris (Allison Reese) has absolutely no notes on the experience of being V.P. Aparna Nancherla helps our telethon to raise $22 billion dollars for COVID relief, now that Congress has dropped the ball, and we finish off the night with a turn of the Rant Wheel, original flavor.For a closed-captioned version of this episode, click here. For a transcript of this episode, please email [e-mail] and include the name of the podcast.

Good evening, Washington, D.C. It is so nice to be back. The last time we were here, I mean, so much has happened. Trump was president. It felt like visiting the Capitol from the Hunger Games. But here we are. A nation's capital, home to some of our best and worst people. We've got a great show for you tonight. Damon Young is here.

He's got thoughts. Aparna Nancherla is here, and she's very confident we can together raise $22 billion tonight. Well, that seems like a lot. We didn't want to tell you guys this in advance, but somebody who isn't, but looks like, and sounds like, and dresses like Vice President Kamala Harris is here. and sounds like and dresses like Vice President Kamala Harris is here. I thought if I basically just said the part without isn't, you'd think it really was Vice President Kamala Harris,

which is a potential booking, not tonight, but is a potential booking. And the right wheel. Plus, we want your high notes, so start thinking at the end of the show, we're going to do some live, in-person, Washington, D.C. high notes. But first, let's get into it. What a week. Here in our nation's capital was a week marked by an ugly, performative, embarrassing, racist spectacle. I'll try to be more specific. The Senate Judiciary Committee held confirmation hearings

for Judge Katonji Brown-Jackson to join the Supreme Court. It somehow managed to be worse than we could have imagined and exactly as bad as we expected. Here is a video of someone who has probably once said bless her heart about a service worker she had fired for speaking Spanish in the club dining room, Senator Marsha Blackburn. Can you provide a definition for the word woman?

Can I provide a definition? Yeah. I can't. You can't? Not in this context. I'm not a biologist. Do you believe the meaning of the word woman is so unclear and controversial that you can't give me a definition? No.

We cannot. All we can say for sure is Cate Blanchett played one in Carol. That's all we know, scientifically. John Cornyn complained to Judge Jackson about the Supreme Court's ruling establishing marriage equality, saying the decision in Obergefell conflicts with some people's sincerely held religious beliefs, replied Jackson. Well, Senator, that is the nature of a right. Then Senator Tom Tillis attempted a gotcha. How can I not read this to say that perhaps they should be released irrespective of the crime for which they've been charged? Senator, if you read two more sentences down, that is precisely what I focus on.

Mr. Dickens, your novel begins with the phrase, it was the best of times. How can we not read that as an endorsement of the excesses of the French Revolution? Senator Lindsey Graham took a break from praying and weeping in a room full of doll heads and posters of Montgomery Cliff to participate in the hearing. He said this.

How would you feel that if I'd had a letter from somebody accusing you of something, a crime or misconduct, for weeks. And I give it to Senator Durbin just before this hearing's over and not allow you to comment on the accusation. How would you feel about that? Senator, I'm not sure. I don't understand the context of the question. Well, let me, did you watch the Kavanaugh hearings?

No, sir. It's a tough break for Graham. This would have gone a bit better if Jackson were up to speed on the Hannity extended universe. It's like hypothetically, but then describing something in great detail.

It's not a hypothetical. It's just in the spirit of a hypothetical, but it's describing a real. It's the spirit of a hypothetical, but it's describing a real event. What if one of the twins was big and strong and one of them was very small? Oh, you haven't seen it? In the movie, it's a DNA test. One of them is made from the scraps

that hurts Danny DeVito's feelings. You haven't seen it? But don't worry. Both the women are hot. It's a very specific reference to twins. I'll tell you why I'm pausing right now. I'm wondering if I realized I was gay watching Twins. Like, genuinely not thinking about it. Like, genuinely not thinking about it.

Afterward, Senator Patrick Leahy called Lindsey Graham's questioning reprehensible. He said this. A Republican member who went way over the time allotted to him, ignored the rules of the committee, badgered the nominee, would not even let her answer the questions. I've never seen anything like that. I've been here 48 years. Doesn't seem like you've been here 48 years. It almost makes me want to skip our weekly happy hour.

But I won't, because our trivia team's been crushing it. Over the course of the week, several senators went over their time, not to mention all the meandering, absurd lines of questioning, which Senator Dick Durbin kind of interjected to stop, sort of. You know how they get, said Senator Durbin. Sometimes you just got to let them tucker themselves out. Then you can put them down for a nap, my sweet, sweet boys. That's why we got the above ground pool. Durbin later called the Republican shitshow a means to showcase talking points for the November election, a testing ground for conspiracy theories. At least that's what it said on the shirts Marjorie Taylor Greene was selling out front.

The hearings were basically Milan Fashion Week, but for right-wing misinformation, everyone will be obsessed with come fall. Autumn 22 is all about racist babies, gay grooming, and chunky knits. Later, during his questioning, doing the world's shittiest baton pass from Marsha Blackburn, Ted Cruz said, Which I think you're the only

Supreme Court nominee in history who's been unable to answer the question, what is a woman? Someone tell me, Ted continued, what is a woman? Heidi, my wife is a woman because she uses the thimble or the dog when we play Monopoly, not the ship or the car, but why?

Speaking of the devil, employees of Montana Airport were forced to call security on Ted Cruz after the senator got into an argument with airline staff after missing his flight. Apparently, Ted Cruz says that line, every hero says, do you know who I am? Remember, it was barely two weeks ago that Ted Cruz said, almost without exception, every time I'm on an airplane, either the captain or the flight attendant will come up to me, will hug me, and say, thank you for fighting for us. So it is likely Ted Cruz missed his flight because they wouldn't stop hugging and thanking him. Also, in fairness to Ted, it's easy to accidentally call security on him. He should put out a PSA that explains it's just how he looks. There is no need to tell the authorities

that Bob's big boy has turned halfway into a werewolf. I don't like his politics, so he's ugly. Ugly fuck. And Judge Jackson spent the hearings pushing back on hateful bullshit and disrespectful badgering, but Cory Booker brought Kachanji Brown Jackson to her tears with his encouragement, calling her a harbinger for hope and telling her you have earned this spot. Today, you're my star. You are my harbinger of hope. This country is getting better and better and better. And when that final vote happens and you ascend onto the highest court in the land, I'm going to rejoice. And I'm going to tell you right now, the greatest court in the land, I'm going to rejoice. And I'm going to tell you right now,

the greatest country in the world, the United States of America, will be better because of you. It was a beautiful speech and shameless bid to win back Rosario Dawson. As Republican senators sought to undermine a liberal justice on the committee, Republican Senator Mike Braun accidentally explained why. So you would be okay with the Supreme Court

leaving the question of interracial marriage to the states? Yes. Okay. He went in great detail about his logic. He explained it very precisely. He was actually quite eloquent in explaining why he wants to overturn all of these precedents. He later claimed it was a misunderstanding, but he did not misunderstand it. He was very clear. This wasn't like an oopsie-daisy. This is like getting caught having an affair and saying you tripped. He understood it.

He just forgot to be chill about it. Liz Cheney told Meet the Press that the January 6th committee will be releasing new information as well as potentially issuing legislative recommendation. What is there left to learn? Don't we have all the intel? Mike Pence was in on the Capitol riot the whole time, not out of a desire for power, but because he loves erotic asphyxiation. That would be news. And then breaking news just before we recorded this episode Thursday, Bob Woodward and Robert Costas reported in the Washington Post on a text thread for the fucking ages between Clarence

Thomas's wife and right-wing super freak Ginny Thomas and Trump's White House chief of staff Mark Meadows. In addition to QAnon conspiracy theories, there are text exchanges like this. Help this great president stand firm, Mark. You are the leader with him who is standing for America's constitutional governance at the precipice. The majority knows Biden and the left is attempting the greatest heist of our history. Then Meadows wrote Thomas on November 24th, this is a fight of good versus evil. Evil always looks like the victor until the king of king triumphs. Do not grow weary in well-doing. The fight continues. I have staked my career on it. Well, at least my time in DC on it. on it. Well, at least my time in D.C. on it. Sure have you, fuck. Thomas then replied, thank you. Needed that. Ew. Not the most important part, but it's like, oh, you're privileging your own experience of this? Of our election? This plus a conversation with my best

friend just now. I will try to keep holding on. America is worth it. Now, two possibilities here. Either Ginny Thomas is the sort of person who is still in high school, who constantly talks about their best friend, or that's clearly an oblique fucking reference to Clarence Thomas,

who is currently, well... No, no. Don't, don't, don't keep it inside. Pray so hard your hands hurt. No, no, no. No, no, no. What are we even talking about? It's not clear.

There's a lot of crazy text. You know the press conference where Giuliani leaked and the whole thing was nuts and their whole plan for the Kraken completely fell apart? Twist, she thought it was great. She thought it was working. The dripping, the nonsense, the Kraken having no information, being in front of a fucking landscaping business,

it all fucking clicked in for her. No notes from Ginny Thomas. Speaking of Trump, the New York Times published a letter from prosecutor Mark Pomerantz explaining that he believed Trump is guilty of numerous felonies and that he resigned after Manhattan DA Alvin Bragg refused to indict Trump, calling the decision a grave failure of justice. It is disturbing how open and shut the case is. The footage from those ring cameras clearly show Trump stealing those Amazon boxes. Trump also rescinded his endorsement of Mo Brooks for Alabama's Senate seat, declaring in a statement that Mo Brooks of Alabama made a horrible mistake

recently when he went woke and stated, referring to the 2020 presidential election scam, put that behind you, put that behind you. Mo Brooks, Mo resistance. I'm very sorry I said that. In a remarkable statement, Utah's Republican governor, Spencer Cox, cited trans teen suicide rates as one of the reasons he vetoed an anti-trans sports bill. In his statement, Cox explained, Four kids and only one of them playing girls sports. That's what all this is about. Four kids who aren't dominating or winning trophies or taking scholarships. Four kids who are just trying to find some friends and feel like they are part of something.

Four kids trying to get through each day. Rarely has so much fear and anger been directed at so few. I don't understand what they are going through or why they feel the way they do, but I want them to live. And all the research shows that even a little acceptance and connection can reduce suicide significantly. It is a moving and powerful statement

in which he absolutely roasts those four trans kids. These bumbling dweebs can't dribble for shit, and I love them. I'm getting a, we suck at sports. I don't think that that's true. I don't want you to internalize that. We don't suck at sports. We'd be good at sports.

Come on. What happened? You got cut from the field hockey team? Uh-huh. But do you think that maybe people were mad because there was someone who also got cut but would have been cut a little bit less because of you? I'm just kidding. You're doing great.

I think you're a great athlete. And I don't believe that you're not good at it, field hockey. It was probably a really hard year. Was it a hard year? You were 11. I know you? Colin? Holy shit! Colin!

It's so good to see you. Colin's here. Hi, Colin. Give it up for Colin. While we're posting a Pete Davidson Instagram video of Scott Disick napping through the Scorsese movie The King of Comedy, Britney Spears said,

no idea who these people in the video are, but it made me laugh so hard. So the conservatorship wasn't all bad, you know? In an interview with Entertainment Weekly, the snail wrangler from Ben Affleck and Ana de Armas' new erotic thriller Deepwater praised Affleck's exceptionally good handling of the gastropods on set. Now, before you go thinking this is a compliment, you should know that the question asked of the snail wrangler was, what did you think of the movie? When we come back,

Damon Young is here. And we're back. He is the host of the brand new Crooked podcast, Stuck with Damon Young. Welcome back to the show, author and host, Damon Young. So, Damon, it's good to see you. The last time we were on stage together was in Pittsburgh. And it's a real shame that we don't get to have sandwiches with fries in them. But otherwise, we'll do the best we can.

So Stuck with Damon Young, your podcast, it's about anxiety-inducing moments in life as a black person, a writer, a dad, a guy who doesn't know what to do with his hands during pictures. But even the launch of the show itself became something you got stuck on because it's on Spotify. You wrote a really great piece in the Washington Post about some of the competing pressures you faced in the sense that responsibility fell to you because some white podcast host somewhere said something racist. Can you talk a little bit about what you were trying to say about the launch of the podcast? Yeah. And we don't have to say the guy's name. It rhymes with show Fogan.

We're not going to actually say his name. Right. Nope. The piece was basically about just the pressure that people of color, but particularly black people, are faced with when white people do some fuck shit and we are pressured to react or respond.

So, for instance, Roxane Gay wrote a tremendous piece. Yeah, give a hand to Roxane Gay, please. Okay. Wrote a tremendous piece in the New York Times about why she is removing her podcast from the platform. And again, I think that was brave. I think that was great.

And so this pressure to be the virtuous one, to be the smart one, to be the brave one falls on us exclusively, and I reject that. I don't reject bravery. I mean, you could be brave if you want to be. Sure. But I reject the disproportionate pressure to be brave. There's a little bit of, like, culturally, the media looks for keys where the light is shining. If they know you care, they'll come to me like, well, if you care, how much do you care?

But the people they know don't give a fuck, have no integrity, no values whatsoever, kind of get a pass. That gets to be like the background radiation of our culture. Yeah. And, you know, John, as a representative of white people on stage right now. 100%. Okay. representative of white people on stage right now. 100%. Okay, so my first job out of college, I was teaching high school English at Wilkinsburg High School in the suburb of Pittsburgh, PA. And we had in-service days, you know, like school districts do.

And at one of these in-service days, one of the teachers brought this casserole that had macaroni and cheese, cucumbers, and had Lay's potato chips on top of it. Crushed. Some TikTok shit. No, not some TikTok shit. Some white people shit. Okay. And I feel like this entire controversy with Rogan, like, okay, so a Swedish streaming company wants to give this guy $200 million. That is not our problem. That is some white people shit for white people to figure out. And I feel like this pressure for us to respond.

Like, I reject the premise of you even having me here to talk about this, John. I reject the very idea of my existence on the stage right now. What do we do now? Let's just be quiet. This issue of the people who care are expected to care so much as to give up opportunities, as to kind of carry the burden of fixing these problems while leaving these platforms to others. We're doing this show as part of a Netflix festival. And the second we announced that we're doing it as part of a festival,. And the second we announced that we're doing it as part of a festival,

people, I think, not unreasonably say, is this okay? You look at my feed around this announcement. It's me saying jokes about Netflix, hosting anti-trans shit, and giving a platform some heinous, vicious ideas, including the Chappelle special, which was beyond the pale.

And then someone says, oh, you're just doing this for money. And it's like, yeah, that's the plan to get a little cash from Netflix to sell out the trans people, the goal all along. But no, but the real thinking is who is helped by us not doing this show as part of festival. This is a very gay show. It's getting gayer all the time. And we have great comedians and great people on the show who like represent a point of view in contrast to some of the most heinous shit out there who has helped but then you wonder like well isn't there some integrity and not being part of something that is associated with ideas

you hate so i don't i don't know how to think about it well the integrity point is a nuanced one because again you're not wrong i'm, why would I sacrifice my own podcast, all the people that are working on the podcast, my children who play on their phones and get the Wi-Fi from the money I make from doing podcasts and doing other shit? Why would I throw all of that away just because of some guy that I have no interaction with, no connection to, of some guy that I have no interaction with, no connection to, is doing some fuck shit on his platform. So why would I do that for me? I don't want him de-platformed. If you take a stance like that, it should be goal-based. And that's not a goal of mine. I just wish there were less dummies in the audience to choose from. But again, you know, if he has this platform and he wants to

say whatever the fuck he wants to say, go ahead. I'm over here doing my thing. And again, I just don't see why I should stop what I'm doing because he's doing what he's doing. It's like, why should I be the canary in a coal mine of white supremacy. Yeah. So switching topics, your most recent episode is about something called cis-heterosex. What is that exactly? Yeah. All right. What is it? Is it common?

Is it something that's become more common? And what were you exploring in the episode? Well, there are these two people, Adam and Eve. One of the first episodes that was released is about some of the anxieties that we bring to sex. And I have two guests on the show, Syeda Grundy, who's a professor at Boston University, and Jason Reynolds, who's a tremendously popular children's author. And I make sure it's a very heteronormative show. And I made that disclaimer in the beginning. But we talk about some of these anxieties. The episode starts with an essay about my first time. I was a college

basketball player and I was approached at a bar. Woman wanted to take me home. And I think she had a presumption of me being like Walt Chamberlain, but I was actually AC Green. So if you get that reference, okay. And so I didn't want to let her know that this was my first time. So I was like, how can I convince her that I've done this before? It's like, you know what? Don't be terrible. And the most prominent example of terrible was the song One Minute Man, right? And so it was like, you know what? Being a one minute man is the worst thing to possibly be. So let me just go for two hours. Nice. That's cool. Let me just go as long as I could possibly go so that like she'll tell all of her friends like oh my god this guy brought home from the bar went for 127 minutes straight oh my god yeah and so again no is that honestly is a

foolproof plan yeah no holes and so the episode starts with that and then it talks more about some of these neuroses and anxieties and tries to unpack them from a again a heteronormative and also too from a black male perspective because there are these socialized expectations of black male sexual prowess and so I try to unpack some of those too and all of that shit even at 18 was swirling through my head and I'm thinking about it and it affected my behavior and affected my performance and I am sorry you know I probably should have stopped at 13 minutes I was watching the clock the whole time instead of paying attention to you like you ever see you know you've seen one of those like Tom Clancy um nuclear submarine they're

about to blow up the world movies and they go to the control room and you have one of those bright red nuclear clocks with the red lettering. She had one of those clocks in her room. That's cool. The whole time, I'm just focused on this clock. I'm like, okay, it's 12.13.

It's 12.26. All right, good job. You're doing great. 12.39. Getting late. That's what the. All right. Good job. You're doing great. 1239. Getting late. But yeah, that's what the episode is about. I do sometimes think that like upon like high school graduation or at some milestone, like every late teen through their 20s should carry around a little button that if it presses, it just means I don't know what's going on and I'm pretending I do. Like we just all needed that button. Like I think I'm supposed to pretend I

know what I'm doing, but I don't. I'm pressing the button. It would be good. I agree. I'm with you. I need that button like right now. We all need that button. So in the op-ed we started at, you did compare yourself to John Malkovich in Burn After Reading. Yes, I did. And we were just curious if there's any other situations that make you feel like John Malkovich in any other movies. So it could be being John Malkovich like you've been invaded by John Cusack. It could be dangerous liaisons because you like to be snooty and have sex. I feel like John Malkovich in Rounders because I love Oreos and do a terrible Russian accent.

I feel like John Malkovich in Rounders because I love Oreos and do a terrible Russian accent. I like the current iteration of Malkovich, which is like perpetually inebriated. Just annoyed. A little bemused, but mostly just annoyed with idiocy. Like he just wants to be at brunch and enjoy his Bellini. But stupidity is all around him and he just can't take it. And that is the most Malkovich-y Malkovich, that one right there.

The Ur-Malkovich. I just want to say before we wrap up that our producer Kendra, before the show, said she feels like John Malkovich in The Man in the Iron Mask because she'd like to keep a young Leonardo DiCaprio in a personal dungeon. Thank you so much, Damon. Everybody, listen to Stuck with Damon Young on Spotify.

The first two episodes are out now. When we come back, something disgusting is going to happen in the name of democracy. Hey, don't go anywhere. There's more of Love It or Leave It coming up. And we're back. And we're back! It's spring in Washington, D.C., and you know what that means. Either you missed or are about to miss 15 minutes of the cherry blossoms.

When they're perfect and you see couples on blankets under a magnificent blooming tree and think, could that be my life? Could I have a life as grand and together as that? No, not you. Not you, not ever. But have no fear, for as those petals fall into earth, you shall rise, a force to be reckoned with. For in honor of some symposium also happening now about sports, Vote Save America is officially launching Midterm Madness. This is our plan to help you find

the best ways to volunteer, organize, and donate as we head into the fall. In 2020, we launched Adopt-A-State. In 2022, we're asking you to sign up for a region, east, south, midwest, and west. Here's how it works. You sign up at votesaveamerica.com slash midterm madness. You'll be asked to sign up for your region, and then Vote Save America will send you targeted actions every week and updates on what's happening on the ground. But here in D.C., we had a question. What are you?

Are you south? Are you east? It's a famously sticky wicket. But how to settle which region? What data? What analysis? What history? And then we realized, oh, of course, an eating contest. I have selected from DC's many iconic regional foods and picked my favorite. It's the jumbo slice. Could have picked a lot of things, but unfortunately, I spent my 20s in this city.

And so it's jumbo slice. I will need two volunteers. One will represent the East, and one will represent the South. You will have to sign a waiver, that is real, these are waivers, these are actual fucking waivers that you have to sign

and fucking mean it. Really. And then race to eat this slice of pizza, but not in like a Nathan's fucking water dipping disgusting way. Like a classy way. Quickly, but safely. And if it takes too long, I cut it off. This is not going to be gross. So who out there believes D.C DC should be part of the Southern region? We had a strong voice right here and he's got some merch on.

Now who would like to represent the Northeast? Right here. Right here. Right here. So confident. So enthusiastic. Hi, what's your name? Bukosi. Bukosi, please read and sign your waiver. Hi, what's your name?

I'm Alex. I'm from Texas. Didn't ask for your life story. Where are you from, Bukosi? I'm from here. I'm from Northwest D.C. Thank you both for being here and for being willing to eat this pizza. Here are the rules.

The first person to finish gets to decide which region D.C. is officially a part of. This is legally binding and permanent. Don't go crazy. This is still a podcast of decorum in class. And if you take too long, I'll just call a winner as I see fit. All right. Gentlemen, are you ready?

It's Fucosi from the east. Adam for the south. Three, two, one, begin. Oh, I'm nervous. Oh, my God. They're such giant pieces of pizza. begin. Oh, I'm nervous. Oh my God, they're such giant pieces of pizza. People shouting faster. This is what happens to a society. As fast as you both feel comfortable.

What I appreciate about this is you didn't know, audience, and keep going as fast as you can, reasonably. You guys just eat. I'm going to talk to them. You gentlemen eat. Three minutes ago, none of you knew this was going to happen. Currently, you are animals calling out for fucking blood. Shove it on your faces. Get it down, you freaks. That's what you're all like. I'm really enjoying the pace of this. I want everyone in the crowd to know that we had a lot of conversations about what this eating contest might be shaped like, and a lot of it involved how quickly I could eat a jumbo slice. Kendra's first pitch was, we'll give you 30 seconds.

And then we Googled videos and we saw maniacs dipping them in water and basically trying to get them down like foie gras geese. And it still took them a couple minutes. Guys, give the East some love. How many are rooting for the South?

Not as much, not as much. Hometown hero. Who's doing really well. Adam, what's your favorite part about being from Texas? I haven't been there in over a decade. Okay, you have a goat, you have a bag of grain, and you have a fox. The fox will eat the goat, the goat will eat the grain. You have a boat, you have to get them across.

How do you do it? I don't know. It involves going back and forth a bit. It does involve going back and forth. But you wait. No, up, up, up, up. It'll be a cold day in hell before I root for the South. He's too sober. He's too sober.

All right. I'm calling it. It's a fucking tie. That's right. It's a tie. Thank you both. You've done an incredible job. The South feels robbed, but that's their thing. So thank you very much to these brave souls. Hashtag diarrhea for democracy.

Sign up for votesaveamerica.com slash midterm madness right now. We need everybody to sign up to pick their region and get involved. There'll be stuff you can do right in your community, and then you'll be able to fan out across your region, from the school board to the Senate. We can really, you know, we can do some shit. When we come back, Kamala Harris. And we're back

Dan Quayle forgot how to spell potato one time And the office of vice president has never recovered I'm on Dan Quayle's side though A, it's not intuitive that there isn't an E And spelling is dumb If you don't know what it's supposed to sound like It should fucking count C-O-W-N-T, count

The founding fathers did whatever they wanted spelling-wise. Nobody talks about it. Anyway. Here to discuss her experience as second in line and how she's handling the seemingly non-stop criticism of everything she does or doesn't do, it's Madam Vice President herself, Kamala Harris. The Vice President, everybody.

Oh, hi, John. Sweet, sweet, taller than I expected, John. Yeah, I just want to clarify. Okay. I'm actually here to explain how absolutely amazing things are going in the Biden administration. Great. Thank you for standing. You're welcome.

I love being vice president. We're not talking about that other stuff. Okay. Hi. Thank you for joining us, Madam Vice President, and for giving us your time. It seems like it's nonstop over there at the White House, so I'm sure you'd rather be relaxing, getting some sleep. What, John? No, I feel bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.

Okay. I mean, sure, I wake up screaming at 3.30 a.m. every day. But that is just because it's the witching hour and I live with ghosts. And because of this recurring dream I keep having, you know, I'm throwing a birthday party for Emmanuel Macaron, okay? And there aren't enough tests.

And no one has the code to the safe with the tests except for, of course, Hillary Clinton. But guess who's not answering her phone? And Jill Biden turns to me in the dream. Okay. And for some reason, she's in a navy dress white, like Demi Moore in A Few Good Men. Okay. And she says, you weren't prom queen in high school, were you?

And that's every morning for me. Anywho, I am so excited to be here in D.C. I'm just kind of reeling that you wake up every day at 3.30 a.m. Look, it's the job, John. Okay? I wake up at 3.30 a.m. I check to see if I'm president.

AM, I check to see if I'm president. I check to see if I'm president, and usually I'm not. Okay. I read an extra hard copy of the New York Times that my staff has already checked and removed any mention of my name from. And then I use a super soaker to spray matzo ball soup at my COVID-infested husband from at least 10 yards away. Okay? Don't the matzo balls get jammed? Yeah, John. I put the matzo balls in the super soaker.

No, come on. You're right, I'm sorry. I was the Attorney general of California, John. I am not an idiot. Okay. I shoot the broth and toss the balls. Get real. I'm sorry. You're right. I should get, I gotta get serious. This is serious. You're right. So it would seem based on this conversation that the rumors you're not exactly thrilled with vice presidential life might be true. Oh, not at all, John.

No, I love doing all of the stuff that no one else wants to do. Okay. I mean, the stuff that I love doing. Sure, would I have loved to have to add a Nordic country to my portfolio as VP? Of course. I love the Nordics. They have the best treadmills. But that's not what happened. You took on the Northern Triangle as part of the immigration portfolio.

Oh, yes. The immigration portfolio, that famous launching pad for such presidents as Marco Rubio and no one. You know, the right wingers say, go to the border, go to the border. I go to borders. And what do they say? The nerve of her going to that bookstore years after it's closed. Yeah, I guess immigration is a thorny issue. Why couldn't I have had infrastructure? Sure.

They get to hold shovels, wear a hard hat, get to say how much they love traveling with Chastain on the Amtrak. But that's not the call I get. No, no, no new highway off-ramp for Kamala. My phone rings, and it's, guess who? Poland. I hope you didn't make things Warsaw over there.

They loved it. That sucks, John. Yeah. And you know what? I am not the border czar. That didn't come up? Okay. But no one said you were,

but I guess that's a phrase you were trying to avoid according to a new book about the first year of the Biden presidency. This will not pass, you know. Oh, yeah. That book. They also claim you got into it with Anna Wintour over your Vogue cover, which featured you wearing jeans. Oh, no, because why would I want to be on the cover of Vogue in a magnificent couture gown, John?

No, no, no. Put me in jeans like the school's coolest music teacher. This isn't Abbott Elementary. Okay? I mean, you don't seem happy about it. But of course, I'm in the wrong for having an argument with Anna Wintour, the person who literally inspired a titular character

by the name of the devil when he wore Prada. That's actually a good point. You don't have a movie about you at all. Not yet, John. But if I did, it would be an ensemble of this great team fighting to bring our country back from the terrible crises and chaos of the Trump years. I like to say

that 2020 was the control Z election. Okay. And now together, we have to make sure Americans don't Control Y. Undo, not redo. As I always say, you know, control, alt, delete. But did it bother you that in the book, Dr. Jill Biden was worried about picking you because you insulted then-Vice President Biden during the debates? Oh, that's water under the bridge. I mean, it's a bridge over troubled water, for sure. water under the bridge. I mean, it's a bridge over troubled water for sure. But still, if you wanted somebody who never criticized Joe Biden, I guess your choices would be Joe Biden or their dog that bites people. I have been bitten by that dog so many times. But we're not supposed to talk about it.

You know, being vice president is a hard job. Do you worry that the stress is getting to you? Like in that clip where you preach the phrase, the significance of the passage of time four times. You know, every word I utter is scrutinized. You know, every offhand comment, every laugh, every purchase. There was a two-day story in right-wing media because I bought a $200 copper pot. The audacity. Buying a nice pan on a trip to Paris. What an asshole I am, right? But it's fine. I love the job. I'm honored. I hear you laughing and smiling, but it just doesn't seem like you actually feel that way.

Oh, now you're telling me how I sound. Typical. No, no, I'm sorry. I don't mean that. I just mean what I mean is. What I mean is. It just sounds like there's no winning in this job. A job that was famous for being terrible before the internet. Before there was a right-wing echo chamber watching your every move. Waiting to turn any slip, real or imagined, they're often imagined, into a day or week or month-long story. A job that was ill-defined and mocked before it was held

by a black woman who is presumed by half of the media to lack authority by her mere existence. The same racism that is so thoroughly soaked into our politics that a bunch of dumb ass white Republican senators think they can talk down to, reprimand, insult, and smear the soon-to-be justice Ketanji Brown Jackson. Yes. Anyways, the point is, I love the job. Well, at least you get to live in the Naval Observatory. It smells like Dick Cheney in there.

It really does, and no one knows why. It can't be removed by conventional cleaning methods. It's not in the fabrics. Scientists think it might be part of his soul. It's a hard job. Oh, look, a text from the big guy Joe Biden. It's a photo of a note that he wrote on the back of a penny saver. He's trying.

He's getting better. It's my next assignment. Okay. Here's to it being opening a fire station. Opening fire station, opening fire station. Give me your good energy. No, fuck. It's climate change.

Oh, no. Vice President Kamala Harris, everybody. Guys, everybody, give it up for Alison Reese. Thank you. So, I never turned on Anne Hathaway, and I want everyone to remember that. Okay. Never turned on Anne Hathaway, and I want everyone to remember that. Okay? Never turned on Anne Hathaway.

Come on. Give it up for Alison Reese. That's incredible. When we come back, we're going to do a telethon. And we're back. This week, Love It or Leave It Live or Else is in D.C., as you may have noticed. Next, we'll be hitting the stage in Austin on April 7th.

Tickets are available right now. Find your city and date now on crooked.com slash events. On Tuesday at midnight, the Health Resources and Services Administration's uninsured program stopped covering the COVID testing and treatments for uninsured Americans. Citing Congress's refusal to pass the White House's ask of $22.5 billion to fund all levels of COVID support, if it doesn't pass by April 5th, uninsured patients won't be able to have their vaccines covered, which seems like a pretty big step backward, like the step I hope Ted Cruz takes the next time he's posing on the edge of a beautiful Montana riverbank

while wearing his favorite suede jacket and holding his favorite iPad because it's the one loaded with pornography. So I know it's last minute, but what do we as Americans do when our government, our social policies, and potentially even our God has abandoned us? That's right, we throw a celebrity telethon. She's been backstage working the phones, taking your calls, and I can't wait to find out where we're at. Here to help us rack up all the donations that I'm sure have been rolling in, it's the hilarious, the wonderful Aparna Nancherla. Hi. Hi, John. So you've been backstage bipping and bopping. Oh, so much bopping.

Next soar from all these nonstop calls you've been fielding. How are things looking so far, Aparna? Oh, really well, John. Obviously, we've set a pretty high goal for our telethon, $22.5 billion. But I'm not worried. You know, I read the secret. It's happening for us. We've had tons of really great calls, lots of people contributing. In fact, let's see where we're at.

Uh-oh. Oh, I think maybe we should have gone with a different graph. I'm having trouble reading that one. Yeah, I see that now. That's fine. It's fine. I think maybe,

well, we have phones standing by waiting for your call with our celebrity volunteer. We're excited to read your donation to this incredibly important cause. I mean, the only way we've gotten to this point is where all of us can sit inside this place because we're vaxxed, waxed, and snatched

by doing what we can do to make vaccines and treatments and testing and masks available. So we can't stop now. We can't. I mean, oh, you know what I just realized? What? Maybe everyone is calling at the exact same time and the calls are getting jammed up as they enter the phone. Can that happen? You know what I just realized? What? Maybe everyone is calling at the exact same time,

and the calls are getting jammed up as they enter the phone. Can that happen? John, I don't know. I told you I am not a telephone surgeon. I'm a minor niche celebrity, and people do not like when we know stuff. I haven't touched a landline since 2004 and I believe that was a hamburger phone that my roommate

bought as an ironic joke. Do you remember the early 2000s, John, when we could enjoy life ironically? We were so innocent. I do remember that of heart. I really do. I remember it. You know what I don't miss?

Wearing ballet flats. If anyone relates to this very specific experience of mine. Yeah, you get caught in the rain and those urban outfitter's puppies are going to melt right off your feet. And you're basically Fred Flintstoning it, you know? So I would say some things have gotten better. That's the spirit. Speaking of, I feel even better about our donations now that we've given the lines a second to breathe. So let's see how much we've made since we last checked in. Oh, shit. I think I see a line. This one's on me. We should have set an interim target,

a milestone, like 10 billion. In case this isn't clear, turning off the tap on COVID funding now means the funding for the literally just launched test to treat program will immediately dry up. Biden only announced it during a State of the Union. After two years of fear and trauma, we have a pill that doctors can give newly diagnosed COVID patients that actually prevent hospitalizations. And now we're saying, ha ha, fuck you if you can't afford it. That's a digression. Let's see the graph again. I had our producer, Brian, alter the color, so I think you should be able to see the new donations. It's blue now. Fuck. John, I don't want you to worry. Okay. I mean, call me Little Miss Sunshine,

call me a stupid optimist, but I can't accept that Democrats would just give in to Republican objections and remove this funding from the recent bipartisan spending bill just because I think they will find a way to get it done. They always do. I mean, do you really think they would give up all this ground after all these months, after all this pain? I'm getting flagged from the wings that we have a tangible update from our producer, Brian. Let's see what we've got. Maybe this will say that we've made a little bit more

progress. Thanks, Brian. Brian, this is just a picture of the graph. So you just printed out the graph, but smaller and on paper. And you thought, hey, this might help love it right now. This might be the information he needs to maintain any level of faith in society. This is what will keep everyone in the crowd hopeful

despite the one-two punch of tragic unfolding history compounded by unforced error after unforced error. Okay, that's fine. Thank you to the producer, Brian, everybody. Oh, my God, it's ringing. Oh, my God, it's ringing. Oh my God, it's a call. The secret works. Hello, Telethon speaking.

Oh my God. Hi, hi. Oh my God, it's Pete Davidson. Uh-huh, uh, yeah. What's that? Oh, oh, you actually can't donate much because you've gotten very, very famous, but you haven't figured out how to get rich yet? Oh, I totally get that. Been there. And you're busy. Yeah, I know. I've seen the headlines. Okay. Being in a relationship, yeah, it's a lot of work. Oh, it might not work out.

My number? Okay, yeah. Okay, you ready, Pete? Okay, it's 1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1. Okay, no, one, one. Okay, no, you hang up first. No, you hang up. You, you, you, you, you, you, you. Guys, great news.

That was Pete Davidson, and he is kicking in $40. And what he described as some old vikes. More importantly, I am going to be the next It Girl. It's finally happening for me. Aparna, you got sidetracked. I didn't get sidetracked. I got dick-tracked. All right.

You feel that, John? That is B-D-E. Oh, come on. Let's please check the donations thermometer again. Is it going up? Ah, fuck. I think it's supposed to go up now. I think it is going up. And if you've learned anything from two years of the pandemic,

what matters isn't science, but how science makes us feel. And I, everyone, feel Congress will get its shit together and pass this budget and Democrats caving to Republicans and not forcing them to vote no was a fine decision because it all worked out in the end. And when, taking their sweet-ass time, the jokers at the CDC and FDA say we need a fourth booster, we'll have funded the vaccines we need and the

treatments that dramatically lower the risk of hospitalization from COVID so that we can keep going to shows like this one. Done! He buried the lead. I'm gonna fuck Pete Davidson. We did it. Aparna Nancherla, everybody. Thank you so much to Aparna.

You can catch her on Fairview on Comedy Central. When we come back, The Rant Wheel. Don't go anywhere. This is Love It or Leave It, and there's more on the way. And we're back. Now it's time for the rant wheel. You know how it works.

We spin the wheel, we rant about the topic. This week on the wheel, holding the door open for people, book banning, misogyny in live sports commentary, taxes, Bravo's insane Real Housewives of New York reboot plan, and just like that season two, the failure to imagine a democratic politics that is both effective and fully honest about republican menace specific, and pride being

illegal in Texas. Sometimes we're going to do the hyper wheel. Sometimes we're going to do the rant wheel. That's the beauty of having multiple wheels. It's a buffet for us to decide before you see the show that you're lucky we give you it all. You've got to bully them a little bit.

You know? Sometimes. Sometimes. Let's spin the wheel. It has landed on, and just like that, season two, which I believe Allison suggested. Yes. Take it away. Welcome to this comedy on, and just like that, season two, which I believe Allison suggested. Yes. Take it away. Welcome to this comedy concert. And might I say season one was C-H-O-T-I-C chaotic.

Okay? And I am so excited for season two and to get whatever the plethora of that chaotic dish will be. I am here for it. I am here for them being elders. I am here for them talking about periods with their children. I am here for all of it. I'm not here for all of it, but I'm here for all of it. Do you know what I mean? It's the most delicious trash on television. Okay? And like a little rat, I'm going to eat that trash. Yeah. I get it. Okay. You're a little trash rat.

I'm a little trash rat, but for and just like that. And just like that. Just nibbling on the corners. People come back and they're like, did somebody eat a little bit of my and just like that? But like in a weird way. And I'm there. And it's you.

I'm glad there's a season two. I want more. I want more. I'm in. I agree. I agree. What a mess. What a cringy mess.

Yes. Make more of it. Why not? What are we doing? Nothing. Let's watch it. Let's spin it again. spin it again. It has landed on book banning, which I believe Damon suggested.

There is this book ban pandemic going around the country right now where politicians, school board members, parents are banning books, books that they haven't even read. You know, and some of these are the usual suspects, Toni Morrison, The Bluest Eye, The Color Purple, Alice Walker, and also some friends of mine, K.S.A. Lehman's Heavy, Nicole Hannah-Jones' 1619 Project book. We had George Johnson on the show.

George Johnson, yeah, All Boys Aren't Blue. Yeah, his book has been banned in, I think, 17 states. Ijeoma, Lou, Ibram Kendi. And so all these books are being banned. And at this point, there's going to be nothing left but Tom Clancy. And they're wrapping on a label of Dr. Bronner's Peppermint Soap. That's all that's going to be available to be written. So that's not even my rant. My rant is that I have a book, What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Blacker, which was released in 2019, three years ago to this written. So that's not even my rant. My rant is that I have a book, What Doesn't

Kill You Makes You Blacker, which was released in 2019, three years ago to this day. In the first six pages alone, I talk about naked white people. I have slurs. I talk about the connection between masturbation and prayer. All of this in the first six pages, and my book hasn't been banned yet. That sucks. That sucks. Because if they banned it, it'll just rocket up the bestseller list. I have book banned FOMO. And I have two more books that I'm working on right now. People may want to go out and pre-order or pre-buy or whatever. No, pre-ban my new books, please. Sign a petition, get that circulating. I want my books to be pre-ban my new books. Please.

Sign a petition. Get that circulating. I want my books to be pre-banned. Who do I have to pay? Who do I have to kill? Who do I have to fuck to get my books banned? Yeah, it's like you want to do the producers, but for getting your book banned by right-wing schmucks.

Yes. Like, why not me? Why not, David? What is wrong not Damon? What is wrong with me? What's wrong with Damon? What is he not doing to get the attention that he deserves that would, of course, lead to the book being banned? You're saying all the right things. All the things.

Everything they hate is in there. Black people, sex, masturbation, jokes. It's all there. The written word itself. Yes. It's all there. All the pieces. We've given them the recipe. Adverbs, conson itself. Yes. It's all there. All the pieces, all that we just got.

Adverbs. We've given them the recipe. Adverbs, consonants. Yes. All of that. Nuanced ideas expressed poignantly. Things that might cause someone to challenge a belief they held when they started reading it. These are all in there. Sucks.

It sucks. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Damon. Ban Damon's book. Ban. Ban Damon's book. Ban Damon's book. Ban Damon's book. Ban Damon's book. Thank you.

That was not the chant that I was anticipating when I released my book three years ago. Did not have that in mind, but I appreciate it. Thank you, Lincoln Peter. Thanks, everybody. Thank you, DC. Let's spin it again. This landed on holding the door open for people, which I believe Aparna suggested. I did.

Okay, here's my thing with holding the door open for people. I know we're supposed to always remember there's someone behind us. Like, as someone who is socialized as a woman, I realize we're always supposed to assume there's someone behind us to either attack us or murder us. And that is not

the first person I'm going to hold the door open for, you know? But then, when you don't hold the door open for someone, know? But then when you don't hold the door open for someone, they assume that you're some kind of asshole who doesn't uphold the social contract and would be like the first person to elbow everyone out of the way out of a burning building. And then I started thinking, do you have to hold the door open for someone when you're exiting a burning building? Because I assume it's every person for themselves, but then if you realize you made it and the next person didn't,

hello, survivor's guilt forever. And then if someone's too far away, do you wait for them and hold the door open? Because then they become an asshole who has to run towards you and you turn into some kind of personal trainer human Fitbit that they never asked for. And then what if it's a big stream of people and you just turn into a door person, which is a fine, honorable job, but whenever I see door people in movies,

everyone's like, how's your wife and kids? No one's saying that to me when I'm holding the door open. And I have a family in my head. And finally, when people don't say thank you when you hold the door open for them, then I have to follow them the rest of the day so I can run ahead of them and slam a door in their face because petty is all we have to live for now. There are two conferences I believe we need to have as a society. One I've been thinking about for some time. This is one I'm adding.

A conference to just decide, what's the distance where you don't have to hold it? Just what is it? How far is it? Three steps? Ten steps? How far away from the door? What is the fucking rule?

That's a short conference. The other one is a conference called Hollywood's Third Act Problems. And everybody comes together and figures out why the third act of every fucking big budget movie sucks. Every single one. Dark Knight, great movie. End ending sucks. The new Batman movie, ending sucks. They don't have any of these movies anymore. I think there should be a conference about it. I think it was too specific. Let's spin it one more time. It has landed on pride being illegal in Texas, Alex.

In a stern letter to the Austin Independent School District, Attorney General Ken Paxson said, By hosting Pride Week, your district has, at best, undertaken a week-long instructional effort in human sexuality without parental consent, the Republican AG wrote on Tuesday. Or worse, your district is cynically pushing a week-long indoctrination of your students that not only fails to obtain parental consent,

but subtly cuts parents out of the loop. Either way, you are breaking state law. The point is, fuck Ken Paxton. They're trying to make being gay illegal, but they can't because it's too much fun. Thank you so much to Allison Reese. Her Twitter is at Reese underscore Shapiro, and she's in a show called The Good Time on March 31st at the Asylum at 930 and the JFL callback show April 5th at 5 p.m. at the Pit Loft. And Aparna is on Fairview on Comedy Central.

When we come back, we'll end on a high note. All right, we're back. Now it's time for some live high notes. If you have a high note, line up with either Brian or Kendra. They're on either aisle. Hi, what's your name? Hi, I'm Raquel.

Raquel, and what is your high note? My high note is coming to see you walk out on stage in that skirt or kilt or whatever it is that you want to call it. And that I have the same skirt. Yeah. That is knee length. And then I bought 10 years ago, maybe, in New Mexico. End of high note. Let's go over here.

Hi, what's your name? I'm Brianna. Brianna, hi. What's your high note? My high note is, well, it starts with a depressing note. I actually lost my father to COVID, and this has been a really awful pandemic. But you and Colin have been my highlights throughout that. You have taught my daughter the word fuck. You have taught my son not to watch

Fox News, and I love being here with you today. Well, that's so nice. Thanks, Brianna. Hi, what's your name? Oh my God, my name is Haley. Hi Hi Haley. My highest of notes is that I'm here. I found this podcast as a freshman at Howard University and I was a political science major. Yeah, yeah. Political science major that knew nothing about politics and I would listen all week and then sit down every Saturday and debrief because I didn't know what was going on and now I've graduated and I have a big girl job in DC.C. Thank you so much, Haley. Do me a favor. No more high notes that compliment me

because if I get one more compliment, John and Tommy will give me a wedgie. That'll happen. It sucks. Hi, what's your name? Hi, I'm Andrea. Hi, Andrea. This isn't going to compliment you, John.

My high note and my hope is that in the District of Columbia, home to just a little home rule by our council where taxation without representation means we have no vote in Congress, even though our 700,000 population is larger than Vermont and Wyoming, I have hope because last Saturday night I met a young man canvassing for his mayoral candidate in Malcolm X Park. It's just a few blocks from here. And his candidate, Robert White, is challenging the incumbent, our mayor now, Muriel Bowser. This young man at 9 p.m. on a Saturday night could be out with his friends, hang out at the restaurants, at the bars, 14th, U Street, all of that, doing anything else.

out the restaurants, at the bars, 14th, U Street, all of that, doing anything else. But here he is, canvassing for his candidate and participating in grassroots democracy, and I love it. That's great. Thank you. What's your high note? My name's Amanda. My high note is not actually about me. My best friend from high school got married this week to the woman of their dreams, and

they're back right there! Woo! When a high note is about people getting married, some people reply, that's not a high note. I'm lonely. That sucks. It has happened. But I'm happy for you. That's neither here nor there.

Hi, what's your high note? What's your name? Oh, yeah. My name is Emma. My high note is that in less than a month, I will finally be getting a breast reduction. Cool. And my insurance is paying for it. Fantastic. Thank you, Obamacare.

Maybe. What's your name and what's your high note? Hey, I'm Katie. Hi, Katie. So I took a leap of faith and moved to D.C. last year during the pandemic after I finished grad school. Go Tar Heels. And now I'm here at the show with one of my best friends that I've met here and just loving living here in D.C. So thanks for making it an awesome city.

Hi, what's your name and what's your high note? My name is also Emma and I have a best friend high note. My best friend Carly wanted to be here with me. She's a huge fan, but she's actually in Geneva for the convention on biodiversity and they're doing really well. They've been waiting to do it for a long time. So I'm proud of her for being there instead of here with

us. That's great. Thank you all so much. I'm sorry we couldn't do them all. That is our show. Thank you to Allison Reese, Damon Young, a partner in our charlatan, our wonderful face stuffers, and everyone who shared a high note. There are 227 days until the 2022 midterm election.

Brian is in charge of when the music starts. Sign up for Midterm Madness at votesaveamerica.com slash midtermmadness. Have a great weekend. Thank you, D.C. It is great to be back. Love It or Leave It is a Crooked Media production.

It is written and produced by me, John Lovett, and Lee Eisenberg. Kendra James is our senior producer, and Brian Semel is our producer. Hallie Keeper is our head writer, and Jocelyn Kaufman, Pallavi Gunalan, and Peter Miller are the writers. Bill Lance is our editor, and Kyle Seglin is our sound engineer. Our theme song is written and performed by Sure Sure. Thanks to our designers, Jesse McLean and Caroline Haywood for creating and running all of our visuals, which you can't see because this is a podcast. And to our digital producers, Norma Alconian, Milo Kim, Mia Kelman, and Matt DeGroote for filming and editing video each week so you can.