Lovett or Leave It - Grand Old Key Party

Episode Date: April 2, 2022

This week’s episode is a potluck, and Lovett or Leave It is bringing the bananas. Joel Kim Booster, Jenny Yang and Emily Heller talk rom-coms in a segment slow-cooked to perfection from a recent Dynasty Typewriter show. Lovett fills up on audience questions, while Crooked’s own in-house cranks rant about in-flight films, late-night anxiety, and the eternal dessert rivalry between chips and nuts. Stick a fork in us. We're done.For a closed-captioned version of this episode, click here. For a transcript of this episode, please email [e-mail] and include the name of the podcast. 

Welcome to Love It or Leave It, live or else, recording from Crooked HQ in Hollywood. Ever heard of it? The slap occurred a mere mile and a half from where we are now. Makes you feel lucky to be alive. We've got a great show for you this week. We've got Joel Kim Booster, Jenny Yang, and Emily Heller dissecting rom-coms from a Dynasty show because like every great meal, every great show has leftovers. We've got some Q&A and some brand spanking new rants brought to you by Crooked's most aggrieved employees, the ones who work closely with me. But first, let's get into it. What a week.

According to the Washington Post and CBS News, internal White House communications given to the January 6th committee reveal a seven hour and 37 minute gap in Donald Trump's phone log the day of the Capitol insurrection. It's suspicious, but given Trump's whole, I have to flush the toilet 15 times thing, it could just be a bathroom break. Could have been a really long shit. It's probably not. It's probably obstruction of justice. Different kind of obstruction. President Biden explained that his recent comment that Vladimir Putin cannot remain in power was an expression of his indignation, not a policy announcement. Said Biden,

I was just expressing my outrage, but it doesn't mean we have a fundamental policy to do anything to take Putin down in any way. That being said, Vladimir, if you hear the creak of a 40-year-old leather jacket and the clack of veneers behind you, start praying to whatever God you've got going over there. Meanwhile, Senator Josh Hawley defended Clarence Thomas and Ginny Thomas against mounting criticism. I mean, here's the bottom line. This is ridiculous, these attacks on Justice Thomas. And the idea that Ginny Thomas' wife is supposed to sign off on her texts and on her work with her husband as if he's in charge of her in some way, isn't that misogyny? It's 2022, folks. A woman's place isn't in the home, it's in the Capitol, pooping on the floor of Adam Schiff's office. place isn't in the home, it's in the Capitol, pooping on the floor of Adam Schiff's office.

On Monday, Governor Ron DeSantis officially signed Florida's Don't Say Gay Bill into law, with the order set to take effect on July 1st, which means we're taking pitches for a new word or phrase to mean gay, including late with a nice coffee and attempt three on getting my driver's license. Are those ways to say someone's gay or ways to say someone is Brian Semel? license. Are those ways to say someone's gay or ways to say someone is Brian Semel? Breaking news. We here at Love It or Leave It are bringing you up-to-date updates on the story that has rocked Washington this week, Madison Cawthorn's cocaine-fueled orgies. As the world knows by now, in a recent interview, North Carolina representative and world's hottest monster, Madison Cawthorn claimed D.C. is more like House of Cards than you might think. No, not the part where Kevin Spacey snaps a dog's neck, but instead it's the nonstop bacchanalia of sex, parties, and drugs. According

to Cawthorn, he was stunned when his fellow lawmakers invited him to an orgy. I'm kind of a young guy in Washington with the average age of probably 60 or 70. And I look at all these people, a lot of them that I've looked up to through my life, always paid attention to politics, guys that, you know, then all of a sudden you get invited to like, well, hey, we're going to have kind of a sexual get together at one of our homes. You should come. And I'm like, what did you just ask me to come to? According to Cawthorn, sexual get togethers aren't even the half of it, added the congressman. Or the fact that, you know, there's some of the people that are leading on the movement to try and remove, you know, addiction in our country. And our country. And then you watch them do a key bump of cocaine right in front of you. And it's like, wow, this is wild. Okay, so at least he's willing to watch.

Also, imagine an orgy without coke. It seems rough. Coach is to an orgy what talc is to a gymnast. Anyway, I believe they snorted something in front of Cawthorn, but it wasn't necessarily cocaine. I'm guessing it was ground-up Centrum Silver and Cialis, also known as a McConnell speedball. What was that you said, Congressman? A key bump? That strikes us as an upperclassman-level coke terminology. You know what a key bump is when you're calling someone a key bump, you know? Besides, addiction and sampling drugs are two different things, Madison. Much like being gay versus experimenting with a famous gay couple willing to keep a secret.

I'm so sorry. As you might have guessed, Cawthorn's colleagues aren't too happy with his probably accurate portrayal of Washington nightlife. For example, Representative Steve Womack insisted during a closed-door meeting of House Republicans that many of them go to bed at 9 p.m. and still use flip phones and fax machines. But by morning, you can bet they're just covered in lube. In response to the interview, House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy gave Conthorne a real talking to. As McCarthy explained to the press, I just told him he has lost my trust. He's going to have to earn it back. And I laid out to him everything that I find unbecoming. But enough

about horndog Republican Congressman Chester Unbee. And while McCarthy now says Cawthorn admitted to him that his claims were exaggerated, Roger Stone took to right-wing social media to declare, Congressman Madison Cawthorn just told me he has not rejected his claims about drug-fueled orgies among D.C. elites. Then why hasn't Madison responded to my paperless post? I can see he opened it.

And that's the latest on Orgy Gate. Now back to our regularly scheduled programming. Two Ukrainian negotiators and a Russian oligarch facilitating talks between Russia and Ukraine earlier this month reported symptoms like peeling skin and sore eyes, though an unnamed U.S. official told Reuters that their symptoms were probably due to environmental factors rather than poisoning. Environmental factors might sound crazy, but it's spring in L.A. and I personally wake up looking like a bog mummy crawling its way to Barry's boot camp.

Three oil executives have refused a request from the House Natural Resources Committee to testify in discrepancies on oil and gas prices, during which they would presumably have to explain why fossil fuel companies are pushing for a drilling free-for-all to reduce prices while simultaneously reporting record profits. This is why I'm sticking with Tesla. All right. Yeah. Elon Musk is a jerk. He's very annoying. But oil executives are worse and too smart to be on Twitter. Will Smith issued an apology for slapping Chris Rock across the face during Sunday's Oscar broadcast, wrote the King Richard star. I am embarrassed and my actions were not indicative of the man I want to be.

There is no place for violence in a world of love and kindness. Meanwhile, Chris Rock's ticket sales have reportedly skyrocketed as a result of the Oscars altercation. Looks like Will Smith slapped that guy into a bigger house. Will, if you're listening, I'm around. If there's any more slapping, you need to get out of your system. In an interview on CBS, actor and comedian Jim Carrey called the Dolby Theatre crowd spineless for the standing ovation given to Will Smith following his acceptance speech, which he gave minutes after slapping Chris Rock.

Jim Carrey went on to say he thinks the real reason the crowd was spineless was due to vaccines. He's an anti-vaxxer. He used to post videos of autistic kids having problems without the parents' permission, claiming it was vaccine-related. He's a cool guy. I really care what he thinks about this. Carrie concluded by saying that until the Dolby Theater crowd grows as fine, do not go in there. I'm so sorry.

In a caught-on-camera exchange at Elton John's Oscar-viewing party, Caitlyn Jenner asked Lady Gaga why she hadn't seen her at the Malibu Starbucks lately. Raising the question, what does that mean? I've switched baristas. What does that mean? What is that? I like it. I just like the idea of Lady Gaga kind of like making chit-chat with Caitlyn Jenner. I don't know, man. We live different lives. I don't need to see you at the

Malibu Starbucks. Also, is Lady Gaga are they always going to the Malibu Starbucks? And finally, an ongoing international research project suggests we're all consuming roughly a credit card's worth of plastic every week. But don't worry, we checked. It's cute. When we come back, it's time for a rom-com quam bomb hey don't go anywhere there's more of love it or leave it coming up

and we're back the woos you could only get from a group of people at their jobs midday. Coming at you from the recent past, we recorded this but did not air it to save it for this very broadcast. Joel Kim Booster, Jenny Yang, and Emily Heller on rom-coms of every stripe. And we're back! In honor of Joel Kim Booster's upcoming rom-com, Fire Island, which got an almost pornographically beautiful write-up in Vanity Fair, we'd like to invite all of our guests to the stage

to test their knowledge of the most egregious rom-com cliches. Put your hands together for Joel Kim Booster, Jenny Yang, and Emily Heller. Welcome back, everybody. Beautiful women, unable to find love due to their demanding jobs as chef architects. Ingenues withering on the vine at 27 terminal life ruining clumsiness

some things are cliche because they're true other things are cliche because in the 90s when basically any romcom would make 200 million dollars movies got a green light and then the script would travel down a kind of evil sluice way to somebody at the Beverly Hills Hotel who was famous for two things doing coke and solving third act problems.

Get ready to test your knowledge of classic rom-com moments that make you say, oh, come on. Sorry. In a segment we've chosen to call Rom-Com Quam-Bom. Are you ready?

Yeah. Joel, you ready? Sure. Emily? Uh-huh. All right, we're going to go down the ride. Jenny, you're first. Joel, you ready? Sure. Emily? Uh-huh. All right, we're going to go down the ride. Jenny, you're first. Oh, God.

In the 1997 rom-com My Best Friend's Wedding, Julia Roberts, Julie, and Dylan McDermott's Michael pledged to get married if they both remained single to what age? 30. 28. God damn it. Joel, in even worse news, how old is Cameron Diaz's bride Kimmy supposed to be in the film?

19. She's 20. She's a college sophomore. Emily, Bridget Jones is repeatedly categorized as chubby. In 2001's Bridget Jones's Diary, how much does she weigh as revealed by a glimpse of her diary? 136 pounds. Correct.

Wow. Nice. Wow. Nice. Can I just say really quickly for posterity's sake, Cameron Diaz was 19 when she was playing 20 in My Best Friend's Wedding. Give him a ding. Give him a ding.

Yeah, all right. He had it transposed. Jenny, in 2007's Knocked Up, Katherine Heigl's Allison is a successful entertainment reporter who has been promoted to an on-air role at E! Where does she live? Los Angeles? More specific. Joel, Where does she live? Los Angeles? More specific.

Joel, you want to steal? Los Feliz. Her sister's pool house. That's what we were looking for. Joel, in Gary Marshall's 2010 masterpiece, Valentine's Day, Eric Dane's professional NFL player Sean wins over his estranged

limo driver boyfriend Holden played by Bradley Cooper by doing what? Bottoming for the first time. That was backstage but in the film it was coming out

on live television. Gotcha. Very big. 2010. Did someone in the audience just go aww to a description of a Gary Marshall movie from 10 years ago? You don't even know the character.

Why do you care? Emily, in 1999's 10 Things I Hate About You, Julia Stiles' protagonist, Kat, does what to distract the teacher, distracting him long enough to allow Heath Ledger's Patrick to sneak out of the window? Oh, God, she flashes him, doesn't she? That's correct. Oh, no. Oh, I really want a ding.

I haven't gotten a ding yet. I think you're not getting a ding on this one. Let's see. Either you know it or you don't. In 2009's The Ugly Truth, Katherine Heigl's morning show producer, Abby, and Gerard Butler's chauvinistic TV host, Mike, conclude the film with a kiss where?

Under a waterfall. So close. Live on air? On top of a waterfall. We were looking for runaway hot air balloon. Run away? Run away? Yeah, I think they, I don't know.

Why are they not just panicking? I think they're making out. I think they're in love and they'll land somewhere. And neither one of their characters is a hot air balloon pilot. No, it seems not. I mean, here's the thing. I don't know the difference

between a hot air balloon and a runaway hot air balloon. You know what I mean? I don't, what is the distinction? I think the difference is a pilot. I think, yeah. A gust of wind. Hot air balloons hold no appeal to me.

I mean, hey, do you want to go on a date of indeterminate length it's three of us a pilot with whom we'll make small talk it's very dangerous and allowed no bathroom there's no bathroom

you have to be up at 4am yeah they don't work at night they don't leave any later than 5. Yeah, they don't work at night. They don't leave any later than 5.30 a.m. They don't work midday. And check-in takes, I think, an hour and 15 minutes, apparently. I don't even remember who's up. I think back to Jenny. Oh, God.

Okay. In 2010's leap year, Amy Adams' real estate stager, Anna, flies to Dublin to propose to her flop fiancé, played by Adam Scott, who exists only to be left in the third act for Matthew Goode. What actual Irish holiday was she supposed to propose on? Um, St. Patrick's Day. Yes. The Holy... That's... No? The Holy Irish Holiday.

You got it? I don't know what they do over there. It's Bachelor's Day, the day women are allowed to propose, which falls on Leap Day. Joel, in 2008's 27 Dresses, Katherine Heigl's Jane does what to get revenge against her own sister Tess at said sister's engagement party?

Makes out with her fiancé. Close. Blows her fiancé. Makes a slideshow revealing all the lies Tess told her fiancé, including not actually being a vegetarian. Wild. What a decade. I just want to go on record and say that's not close to making out.

Yeah. Or a blowjob. I appreciate it, but thanks. In What Women Want, Mel Gibson's character is able to read the minds of women except who and why. Oh, it's Helen Hunt, right? Well, mm-hmm. No, he can read her mind. Oh, it's a trans joke, isn't it?

No. No? Oh, God. I mean, I can, and it's bad. Yeah, and I feel like that is in there at some point. Wait, no, okay, never mind. I give up. It's bad. And I feel like that is in there at some point.

Wait, no, okay, never mind. I give up. He can't read the thoughts of his two female assistants, even Margot, because they don't have any thoughts. Oh, wow. The logic tracks. The logic tracks. Jenny.

Yes. In which rom-com does a teacher fall in love with an adult journalist who he actually thinks is a high school student? Oh, God. I knew this. This is recent. It's not.

No. No? It's not. It's not. Can I give her a hint? Yeah. Drew Barrymore's in it? 31st Dates?

Josie Grossi? I don't know. I don't know. Josie Grossi's not going to help. I forget movies the moment I want them. It has something to do with sexual experience in the title. Oh. Sexual experiences. The Blowjob. That's it. The Handy. It sexual experience in the title? Oh. Sexual experience is the blowjob.

That's it. The handy. It's the famous Drew Barrymore film, The Blowjob. It's never been kissed. Never been kissed. Joel, in 2011's Friends With Benefits, Justin Timberlake's character redeems himself to Mila Kunis via flash mob in Grand Central Station.

What is the song? Does anybody know? If you know it, call it out. You got it. Whoa! Closing time by Semisonic. That's a jam. That's the jam.

In 2000, anyone can call these out because they're so hard. They're so hard. Who wrote these? In 2009 movie, The Ugly Truth, starring Katherine Heigl and Gerard Butler. It's about a successful broadcast news producer enlists misogynist help to figure out how to land a man before she falls in love with the misogynist.

How many women wrote this movie? Zero. Zero. Three. Correct. Oh, wow. And finally, and anyone, the audience can take it. In 2007's Good Luck Chuck, the titular Chuck, played by Dane Cook, is a dentist.

What is the profession of his love interest, Cam, played by Jessica Alba? It's penguin scientist. It's Penguin Scientist. Wow. Penguin Scientist. Get it right. Everybody go see Fire Island. That whole

segment's a plug. Thank you. That was too hard. It was too hard, frankly. It was too hard. Also, we hard, frankly. It was too hard. Also, we're banking that segment for a future episode. So you can, like, you have plenty of time to record us getting the answers right and edit that in. Yeah. Listen, what's more important, getting it right or being incredibly charming getting it wrong? You know?

That sounds like a rom-com. If the current state of politics has taught us anything, I think it's the latter. That's good rom-com dialogue. I like it. I like it. Put this in the segment. Brian, make a note. This banter after, it's evening out that you're not writing anything.

You're just pretending. Put all this in. This is gold. People like the in-between moments, hearing them as they come out of break. It's fun. Thanks to Joel, Jenny, and Emily. When we come back, we answer your burning questions.

And we're back. While there may be six people in this room, they're really making it feel like eight. And I appreciate that. All right, we took some questions at our last Dynasty Typewriter show and I gave some evasive responses. Here they are.

And we're back! Does anybody have any questions? Poetical? They can be whatever you want. That's the beauty of questions. But just, you know, good questions. Hi, what's your name? My name's Galen.

Galen? Correct. And what is your question? What's the best advice you ever received? Oh, my God. I think the best advice you ever received? Oh, my God. I think the best advice I ever got was a piece of advice about writing. And it was, it's so trite, but it was good and I needed to hear it. I try to apply elsewhere, which is, what's something you have to write and that only you could write?

Just like a simple way to think about a project or something you're going to do to kind of keep you grounded in something that's meaningful to you. What's some other good advice? God, that's a hard question. Sorry about that. No, it's okay. It's okay. If I think of something else as we go, I'm going to keep coming back to it, Galen. But that's a hard question and I appreciate it. Who else? Hi, what's your name? Steven. Steven, what's your question? Why are state politicians so dishonest about passing Medicare for all when it comes to the technical parts? That's a big question. I think some of them are and some of them aren't. I do think that there is a real challenge about doing things like that at the state level when the systems where so much of our money goes to the federal government.

It is hard for a state like California to do universal health care when even if we do universal health care here, we're still sending money to the federal government to cover things like Medicare and Medicaid at the national level, right? There is a real challenge. Like we federalized a lot of healthcare, which makes it harder to spend the money we need to spend at the local level because the tax base is the tax base.

We're all paying federal taxes. So if we want to raise taxes locally to give ourselves universal healthcare, we're also still subsidizing the places that aren't doing that. So there are real challenges to doing it at the local level. And for good and for ill, we decided a long time ago that this was going to be something we're going to solve at the national level. And we need to fucking solve it at the national level,

is my general take. But why are politicians dishonest? Because the only thing people hate more than being told what they want to hear is being told what they don't want to hear, frankly. A follow-up? Sure. I'm Jen Psaki now. Great. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

This is my pet issue because I'm chronically ill. Why do they pass bills without funding mechanisms and get the base while that? Because they're politicians, I think is unfortunately the answer, because they want to say they're doing good things, but people actually don't like paying for things. Somebody made a notice about the polling around foreign policy, and it was like reaping 85% approval rating, sowing 10% approval rating. We're a kind of venal, craven, short-term thinking culture in which politicians have decided that

we don't want to hear about trade-offs and we don't care about trade-offs. And in a political system where you get no benefit for being honest about trade-offs is one in which nobody tells the truth and nobody recognizes that good things are expensive or some policies have downsides or things are complicated. There's just no space for it, none.

No fucking space for it. And nobody's paying enough attention. And there's so much noise that an even effort to have a kind of sincere, honest, open debate is kind of drowned out by absolute fucking horse shit. So it rewards the worst politicians on planet Earth who just are fucking like saying the thing, the one line, the easy line over and over and over again. And like that may get you elected, but it's no way to govern, which is the only reason we survived the Trump years, because all their lies might add up to a winning electoral coalition. But there's nothing you can do

once you're in office to actually execute because they don't actually have a policy agenda that makes sense. That makes sense. Thank you for telling the truth. Oh, yeah, of course. Well, it's easy. I have a podcast. I don't have voters. I have like minded listeners rules. Oh, my foot. Fuck. All right. Also, I have plantar fasciitis, Ow, my foot. Fuck. All right. Also, I have plantar fasciitis, which is something I found out about today. What is that?

You just wake up in the morning, your foot hurts? That's... It sucks. What am I, almost 40? That sucks. You look great in a skirt. I do look great in a skirt. Where do you get your skirts? Where do I get my skirts? From all over the place. I had a bit of an epiphany during the pandemic, and the epiphany was something along the lines of what are the rules I follow that help no one that hurt me

and no one's making me follow. And one of them was wardrobe related. I started by just buying skirts on Amazon, but then I realized this is something you can do with money. And so now I'm getting some real nice skirts. Yeah. Hi, what's your name? Hi, I'm Dylan. Dylan, hi, what's your question? My question is, if you could have anybody as a guest on your show, who would it be? Honestly, anyone we want comes on this fucking show. All right?

We've got all the people we want. I mean, honestly, trying to get the guys from Los Culturistas is like trying to book Chris Rock and fucking Will Ferrell. It's fucking impossible. You hear that? Matt? He'll be on here. That's my answer. Hi, what's your name?

Hey, I'm Anne. Hi, Anne. What's your question? I know we're not talking about Build Back Better, but how do we pass this stuff and how do we support getting the stuff in build back better passed without calling it that well i think one thing we've learned is that this idea of pressure pressure pressure joe manson and kirsten cinema magic passage has not really worked it very much reminds me of the underwear gnome thing from south Park. Oh, those many years ago, just question mark money.

They have not responded to the pressure. And so it's like the answer is, unfortunately, we need to elect more Democrats. Of course, our failure to elect more Democrats in 2018 has put us in a position to have fewer Democrats at the end of 2022. That is just the reality of it. I think the only hope we have is to listen

to what Joe Manchin and Kyrsten Sinema say and figure out what exactly they're for. Because Joe Manchin has been pretty explicit at this point for what are the things he's willing to potentially be in favor of. And we just need to chop them up and get as much as we can done. I don't know what else to do at this point. It sucks. We're in a really difficult political position.

There's no good answer. And it's not satisfying at all. And I hate it. And I don't like them very much at least joe mansion there's some kind of fucking argument like this is the only democrat we could have in west virginia that is true always primary joe mansion or whatever like he can become a republican tomorrow he would be more successful as a republican he has a lot of leverage. Kyrsten Sinema is a fucking mystery. And like this, when we only got 50 seats because Cal Cunningham likes to fuck

and I don't know what happened in Maine. Think about how much it fucking cost us that Cal Cunningham came to LA for a fundraiser and to do Pod Save America so that he could fuck. And the result is we have to find out what Kyrsten Sinema is doing 24 hours a day. It's really a very frustrating situation. Hi, what's your name?

My name's Kat. Hi, Kat. What's your question? So I grew up in California, but now I live in New Mexico. New Mexico has really dope public transit, but everything costs three times as much as they told voters that it was going to cost. How could California get good public transit? Because this would be a pretty dope state if it had good public transit. Yeah, I mean, one thing that we could do in California is stop allowing NIMBY people to hide behind progressive bullshit and reform the ways in which we pass infrastructure so that we can actually build more in this state without it being mired in lawsuits and fake environmental concerns and objections that make it impossible for us to build anything. build anything. The fact that we can't build a train connecting Los Angeles and San Francisco, which has 10 times the population of Barcelona and Madrid, when they were able to do that in

Spain with environmental laws, with labor laws, with protections for their workers, it's indictment of America, but it's indictment of Democrats, it's indictment of the systems we've built. We have to just sort of start tackling it. We have to actually make sure the state legislature addresses these issues and makes it easier to build as soon as possible because we're suffocating. We can't build housing. We can't build infrastructure. And it makes California more expensive. It makes it unlivable. And everybody puts these signs on.

In this state, we welcome refugees and we don't because if it's too expensive for anybody to live here, we don't welcome fucking anybody. Let's do one more. Hi, what's your name? Anna. Anna, what's your question? How are your wedding plans coming? Unfortunately, we're out of time. All right, when we come back,

in-studio rant wheel. Oh my God, that delay was horrible. Leave all this in. Don't go anywhere. This is Love It or Leave It and there's more on the way. And we're back. You guys aren't making me miss doing this in the studio. One note, everybody. Love it live or else will be at dynasty typewriter on april 28th as part of netflix is a joke we're gonna have some incredible guests lined up as part of that festival for tickets for that show and a bunch of other shows in la and across the country go to crooked.com slash events and if you are listening and want to come to our dallas or austin show get those tickets right now they are selling fast and we will be there.

I mean, it's here. We're going to be there now. On the rant wheel this week, we have in-flight entertainment, chocolate chips, cars, bananas, PlayStation's new branding scheme for PlayStation Plus, and that's it. All right, let's spin the wheel. It has landed on Chocolate Chips Revisited.

Ooh. Joining us now, you know her, you love her. Head writer for Love It or Leave It, Hallie Kiefer. Thank you for having me back. Thank you. Now, the last time we're here, you made a shocking claim, which was that you did not like chocolate chip cookies. Yes.

Well, more broadly, even just chocolate chips in general. And it says here you have a rant about chocolate chips revisited. The floor is yours. Nuance. What is it? How do you have it? How do you spell it? Because I spelled it so wrong, autocorrect can't even correct it.

You know, I said some things that I can't take back, but I will take it back because who cares? You know, rant about chocolate chips. I made some statements that i i almost came to blows with producer brian seville about strong feelings about chocolate chips and i have to say i i revisited the topic recently i was eating a delicious cookie chocolate caramel marshmallow the problem with that even as you're i'm saying it you bite into it too soft and that was my problem chocolate chips chips. Too hard?

And I had a cookie and I thought, you know what? You know what this could have needed? Something a little hard in the middle of it. Which really brings me to my larger point which is, not pro-chocolate chip, because I don't want to be pro-chip, but in fact I'm pro-nut. And I will say a chocolate chip will do when you

don't have a nut, but ultimately this is a pro nut rant there should be nuts i'm gonna go and say it nuts and more cakes very few you have what uh carrot cake yep that's not enough i guess there's walnuts in there you're saying yeah i i can't think of any other cake that has nuts wait what there we go perfect ryan semel uh calling off mike uh german chocolate cake has pecans you're right well depending on where you are Wait, what? There we go. Perfect. Ryan Semel calling off Mike. German chocolate cake has pecans. You're right.

Well, depending on where you are, depending on your country. I don't know. I don't know. So in conclusion. In conclusion. Yeah. The nut is superior to chips in all ways. But if you can't get a nut, a chocolate chip has its place.

Wow. And I just, thank you. I just wanted to, I, there is a central path not right, left, forward. And this is me going forward with chocolate chips

sometimes. Sometimes. Chocolate chips are sometimes food which apparently is what Cookie Monster now has to say. He can't be like,

oh, have cookies. It's like, sometimes we have cookies and I'm saying, sometimes you can, a chip will do. Sometimes a chip will do.

Here's the thing. That's what, if this show is for, has any purpose to get a message out there. And many would say it does not. But if you do think it could, it's that sometimes a chip will do. Yeah.

Thank you for having me. Hallie Keefe, everybody. Bye. Let's spin it again. It has landed on bananas. Coming in, it's John Milstein. Hi, John. What's up?

Bananas. Bananas. We clearly, as a group here, have strong feelings about foods that babies love. Chocolate chips and bananas. My take on these bananas is it's a food I like a lot. If it's good, if it's firing, a banana inch for inch is consistent. Every part of it tastes exactly the same. Yeah, that's cool. I like them in sort of a jewel tone area in between green and yellow, sort of at the beginning. That's a very kind of a sophisticated palette for bananas. Yeah.

I'm an early adopter of the right time to eat them. And I just can't shake this feeling that these bananas are getting brown faster than they used to. Every banana that I encounter is brown. It's like if I walk into a friend's apartment, it's going to be spotted brown. In my apartment, it sure as hell is going to be spotted and brown. And the transformation that a banana makes from yellow to brown is one of the most disgusting transformations in nature, maybe. The only thing worse is tadpole to frog. A brown banana is so gross it's not just gross in and of the tube of the banana it radiates it turns your whole space into sort of like

a garbage uh place it's like yeah brown banana changes everything this is the food that we associate with the garbage can more than maybe any other like apart from fish skeletons like in a cartoon if a trash can gets knocked over it's either gonna be brown bananas fish skeletons popping out do you think there was a time when people were eating more fish off the bone cats for sure yeah they get all the way down to the bone but I do think that there's something about garbage from cartoons where it's like a fish skeleton with it's usually the head is still there and the tail is still there and then just the bones yeah like most people there was a time in America where people were just like what are we

having for dinner well we're each having a fish you know we're each gonna have a fish on a plate right right with the head the tail yeah then we put it in the garbage and let let a cartoon knock it over later and yeah so yeah I mean I just can't shake. You think there's something going on here? I think there's something going on. I don't know if it's the houses, the buildings that I was going into and out of as a child, if there were more hungry child's mouths

eating all these bananas so they didn't get to the brown stage. Right. But I can't shake it. There's no way to outsmart the bananas. I had a former roommate who would put a full banana in the freezer to make smoothies out of later. If you've seen a banana that gets into the freezer with its skin on, this is a new level of disgusting. It's as if the banana is screaming. Yeah.

No, in a way. The skin shrivels up, turns full brown. Now we're talking a consistent coat and also if you want to get the meat out of this thing the brown and the yellow have now fused the barrier is broken yeah i mean something i would just say to your friend if you talk to them still i don't know what your relationship is like i think if you're going to freeze bananas for smoothies which is a great idea and a great way to make bananas last, you take the skin off before you put it in that freezer. I know.

That's a really great move. Then you're not dealing with some kind of a force field around the banana on a go-forward basis. So we were roommates, and so if I wanted to steal his bananas to make smoothies out of, I had to be the banana surgeon who was taking off the skin, sloughing that stuff off. And I think that's really dumb. I think the fundamental problem with bananas is if you get seven bananas, that's a week's worth of bananas. But actually what you have is day zero, no bananas because they're green.

Day one, green bananas. Day two, maybe you're talking about a Milstein level kind of firm, tough, not sweet. A banana for a sophisticated palate. Then day three, you have all good banana. You have to gorge yourselves on that day. You have one day where you have to just open up your jaw and banana. And then day four, it's like, okay, we better eat these bananas. But one of those bananas is saying adios.

Like I'm ahead of these other guys and I'm about to take them all with me. By day five, you're like, these are too sweet. Some of them, they get those little spots on them. You know, if you're very thoughtful, if you're very conscientious, maybe you'll eat the bad banana first, knowing that the bananas that will remain are good. But that's just like, I'm in this life for joy. You know, I'm not trying to mess around with these bad bananas

and eat them to get them out of the way. Carpe diem. Yeah, so I would rather just... YOLO, as we said once. Yeah, I say YOLO to my fruit bowl when I walk by it every day. You say YOLO to your fruit bowl when you walk by it every day. That's right. This will add it down nicely, I think.

So yeah, I think you've come to agree with me that the bananas are getting brown faster and it's very bad. And it's one of the bigger problems. I agree. And that's my rant. Yeah. John Milstein, everybody. The bananas are getting brown faster, and it's something we should look into. Let's spin it again.

It has landed on In-Flight Entertainment. You wrote something? Ari Schwartz is here with a rant about in-flight entertainment. I think people are making bad decisions on airplanes. Not just ones that get them duct-taped or hit on the head with a coffee pot. But people are watching Oscar bait and Oscar movies on airplanes, which is like a bad decision. That's just not an airplane movie in the least bit. There are rules.

We live in a society. There is. Uh-huh. Yep, we do. We do. We do live in a society, right? And as it sort of falls apart around us, we have to try to keep the little semblances of order in place. And that is what makes something a good airplane movie when we fly.

And I've put a little guideline together, which is, first one is you have to scroll through the entire catalog that is in the airplane. That is exactly right. Not just new releases. You go to A to Z. You have to see the A to Z. You got to start at A and you got to go to Z. All the way to Z.

And the numbers, whatever. Sometimes they're at the start. Sometimes they're at the end. You have to see it. Sometimes they might have 21 Jump Street. Sometimes they're at the start, sometimes they're at the end. You have to see it. Sometimes they got- They might have 21 Jump Street. You have to know that. Sometimes they knew what to do with The. Sometimes they said, we understand that The is not a movie that starts with T.

Sometimes they don't know that. Sometimes they don't know that. Sometimes they do, though. It really depends on the airline. Depends on the airline. Yeah, mergers. Mergers have a big thing to do with The. It's a whole thing.

Whole catalog. You have to scroll through it, and you have to then figure out, step two is figure out what movie you would watch. And that's like something that you would always go back to if it's on TV, you know,

when TV was happening with cable and you could turn on a channel and, you know, I don't know if that still exists where you could just turn on a TV and then there's stuff playing. I don't think so. But when you could do that

and then like a movie would be on, you'd be like, oh my God, yeah, of course I'm going to watch the rest of National Treasure. It's on. then like a movie would be on, you'd be like, oh my God, yeah, of course I'm going to watch the rest of National Treasure. It's on. You pick a movie based on that. What is a movie you would love to watch even though it's not like on your list?

And then you have to scroll through again, alphabetized. And is there anything in that list that is better than that movie that you know and love? I recently watched the new Spider-Man. I hadn't seen it, but I watched it on an airplane because it seemed better to me than some of the other stuff that I already knew and love. And then I also watched Miss Congeniality because that's a classic. It's perfect in every way. It is also problematic. Sure, it's from 2005. Yeah, it definitely has some things that should not have happened in it, but it's a good movie. Misky Geniality is now old enough to get a driver's license.

Something to think about. People don't talk about that. People don't talk about it enough. Yeah. Something to think about. So then you have to watch either the movie you know and love or something that is better. So I don't know if you guys saw, there was that thing going around Twitter that was like two people in back to back seats watching the different Kristen Stewart movies. One was watching Twilight and behind them they were watching Spencer.

The person who was watching Spencer made a bad decision. I agree with that. That is not an airplane movie. It's not an airplane movie. If you are going to watch an Oscar movie on an airplane, you were never going to watch that movie. And that's not your movie. You just need to decide, oh, I'm not going to watch this movie. You should watch Twilight.

I was doing the full scroll A to Z, and I found that on the flight back from D.C. to Los Angeles, one of the options on Delta was a film called The Diary of Anne Frank. And I think that anyone who chooses that on a plane should be put on some kind of a list because that is the choice of an absolute maniac. It's a beautiful film. It's a beautiful exploration of the horrors people visit on each other and of a child trying to find a sense of self and grow up under these horrible conditions. Not a fucking plane movie. Not a plane movie. Imagine you sit down on a plane and you click play on Sweet Home Alabama.

Which, yeah. And then you look to your next neighbor and they're watching The Diary of Anne Frank. That is bananas. Speaking of Sweet Home Alabama, which is a movie I did try to watch on this recent flight. This brings me to another rule about flight movies. You can stop them at any time. That's a flight movies. You can stop them at any time. That's a good rule. You can stop them at any time.

You do not have to watch it all the way through. I got to a point in Sweet Home Alabama where she outs her childhood friend at a gay bar and I said, not an airplane movie anymore. Turned it off. Turned on Spider-Man. And as we begin to go on tour with stops in Austin, Dallas. Sure. And BSA in Boston

and D.C. St. Paul, Chicago, Seattle, Portland, Portland, both Portlands. They're on the opposite coast. I don't know if you know that. We don't know which one, when, but we're going to both. We're going to both. It's sort of a spin the whatever. It's a spin the Portland. Spin the Portland, if you will. Crooked.com

forward slash events. Sure. Do you have anything else to add? No, Miss Congeniality is a pretty good airplane movie. Yep. Ari Schwartz, everybody. Let's spin it again. It has landed on cars. Brian Semel, flying in.

Hi Brian, it seems as though your rant is about cars. Buckle up. Oh no. Bill, please insert a sound effect of a horrible vehicular incident. Oh no. People listen to this while driving. Yeah. Alright.

Mistake number one. I spent the first 15 years of my life blissfully unaware of how I would die. And then I turned 16 and I immediately knew I will die in a car and I will be the driver. I do not know my right from my left. That is not a joke. I do not know which cardinal direction I am facing unless I am in the Pacific Ocean. It did take me three times to pass my driver's test. And I did not get better with each time. They took pity on me. And then I got my junior license and the next week I got a ticket for driving the wrong way down a one-way road.

And they still gave me a full license, which is a license to kill. You're familiar with roundabouts? What? Whose idea? Whose idea was roundabouts? You mean just like where you come into a circle? You're driving. It's straight.

It's straight. It's straight. It's not. Is it me in 2017? What are the damn rules? I enter a roundabout, and I close my eyes, and I hold my breath. You were in straight in 2017. No are the damn rules? I enter a roundabout and I close my eyes and I hold my breath. You weren't straight in 2017. No, that's when it changed. But no, I close my eyes. I hold my breath in a roundabout and then I spend all day there because I don't know how to get off.

And so like, I'm particularly bad at driving, but I think everyone is bad at driving. I see you on the highway, not you in particular, you, the general people. And I see you texting and I see you on TikTok and I see you with your flasks and I see you on TikTok, and I see you with your flasks, and I see you with your joints, and I see you eating your breakfast and applying your makeup and getting and receiving roadhead. Pull over.

Get thee to a nunnery. Enough is enough. Get rid of highways. Is this on the five? Turn the highways into koi ponds. Turn them into preschools. We are done with highways. And I know you're thinking,

Brian, Brian, Brian, how will I get around? Walk, bitch. Get a bike. It will be less scary if I'm not on the road seeing a spider in the passenger seat. Walk, bitch. Hey, bitch, walk. Yes. Anyway, and I know you're thinking, Brian, Brian, Brian, where will I cry?

If you think crying in private is nice, try crying in public. It is a treat. Crying in line at Trader Joe's. Crying in line on a park bench. Crying in line kissing a stranger on a dance floor. They'll think it's sweat. It's all good.

No more cars. I cried once at my favorite pizza place in New York, which is the one inside of Penn Station. Is it a Sbarro? No, no, it's not a Sbarro. I believe it's called Rose's. Some of my favorite pizza. Kyle knows what I'm talking about.

You ever cry there, Kyle? I have not. You should try it. It'll be way better my favorite pizza. Kyle knows what I'm talking about. You ever cry there, Kyle? I have not. You should try it. It'll be way better than your car. Do you cry in your car? I do not.

Liar. Where do you cry, Kyle? Kyle, where do you cry? I've never cried. Kyle, our sound engineer, says he has never cried. Yeah. Wow, that's straight culture, I think. That's cool.

That's cool. Think your bus drivers. Think your ferrymen and your pilots. Ferries? You think we're going to get around Los Angeles on ferries? Trolleys. We should bring the trolleys back. Yeah, toot toot.

Toot toot. Anything else to add? If you see me, pull over, babe. Pull over, babe. Obviously, we're all having fun here. Brian, I think you are a terrible driver. I think it's really dangerous that you drive. I think you should stop doing it.

The government sanctions this. Yeah, they shouldn't. No. Brian Semple, everybody. I think it's really dangerous that you drive. I think you should stop doing it. The government sanctions this. Yeah, they shouldn't. No. Brian Semel, everybody. Call your congressman. Call your congressman. It has landed on the feeling you get late at night, maybe after having a little bit of weed,

that everything you've ever said is embarrassing and buffoonish. This is suggested by me. I hate the feeling when you're lying in bed late at night, maybe you've had a little bit of weed and all of a sudden you think everything you've ever said or done is embarrassing. Every single thing you've ever said or done is embarrassing. Every photo you've taken, every sentence you've uttered, every moment you were proud of. In fact, you looked ridiculous. Every conversation that didn't go as well as you thought, every time you were engaged in some kind of a discourse with a person who may have been involved in their own thing and having their own day that has nothing to do with you. And yet, because it didn't go the way you thought, you assume it's something you did and you carried around for years. Or the things that happened when you were like three or four years old or like five years old or six year old.

We were just learning what words meant or even that how to use them and how you could hurt people's feelings. And maybe you said something wrong to an adult because you were trying to seem like you knew what you were talking about and it didn't go well. And then somebody told you you said the wrong thing and you carry that around for 35 years until you have a little bit of an edible and it comes back to you. I hate that. And then you try to tell somebody you feel this way and they say like, oh, everybody has imposter syndrome. But what if I really am? What if I am a real actual fraud and imposter? Like, sure. Like, I am sure there have been moments where Malala is like, am I really making a difference? Or like Greta Thunberg is like, maybe this isn't worth it or maybe I'm

full of shit, you know? But that's not right for them. That's imposter syndrome for them. When we come back, the high note. And we're back. Here it is. This week's high note. Hi, love it. I'm Coll in from Seattle with a High Note. I had a dream that I ran into at a bar and I was like, oh, Lovett, I have a High Note I want to tell you about, which is, and this is true. I recently beat a video game for the first time since I was like in middle school. and as a 41 year old mom I was very pleased with myself because I haven't played video games with any seriousness since like the Super Mario and Paperboy days of my youth but anyway in my dream also I was like looking up at you to tell you this story because in my subconscious you are

about six foot two which is neither here there, but I thought you might enjoy that. So anyway, thanks so much. Keep up the great work. Bye. Hi, my name is Julia. I'm 17. I live in Texas. And I've been listening to cricket media pods for a few years. They're part of the reason that I want to go to college to study political science and work in politics. And I just found out that I got into Georgetown University. work in politics. And I just found out that I got into Georgetown University. I'm very excited for the future. And I just wanted to say thank you for inspiring me to take this path. Hi, Lovett. I am a school social worker in a very conservative area outside of Philly. And for the past six weeks, we have been running a LGBT support group for our middle school students where we connect them with our GSA at the high school level. And we bus these kids up and they get to

hang out and learn about different topics, about coming out, about safe resources in the community. And we have had over 40 middle school students and over 20 high school students participate in this group every single week. And this week will be our last group. And the kids are really sad, but we are going to continue this at the individual school level to kind of provide them that support, even though we can't continue to bus them up to the high school. So I'm really heartened by this, especially with all of the anti-trans, anti-gay legislation going on in the country right now to see that these kids who live in this very, very conservative area still have an outlet to feel safe and express themselves. Thank you for all you do. Bye. Hey, Love It. It's Sarah from Brooklyn, New York.

I love your show. I listen to it every week, but this message actually is not for you. I am calling to thank the person who submitted a high note to your February 19th episode about losing their AirPod in the subway tracks and someone rescuing it for them. I, no offense of it, have never laughed harder than when listening to that story. And sometimes if I'm having a bad day, I go back and listen to it again. So thank you and thank you, Lovett. Thanks to everybody who called in with high notes. If you want to leave us a message about something that gave you hope, you can call us at 213-262-4427. That is our show. Thank you once again to Joel Kimbooster, Jenny Yang, and Emily Heller.

Thanks to our ranters, Hallie Keeper, Ari Schwartz, John Milstein, and Brian Semel. And thanks to everybody who shared a high note. There are 220 days until the 2022 midterm elections. Have a great weekend. Lovett or Leave It is a Crooked Media production. It is written and produced by me, John Lovett, and Lee Eisenberg. Kendra James is our senior producer, and Brian Semel is our producer.

Hallie Keeper is our head writer, and Jocelyn Kaufman, Pallavi Gunalan, and Peter Miller are the writers. Bill Lance is our editor, and Kyle Seglin is our sound engineer. Our theme song is written and performed by Sure Sure. Thanks to our designers, Jesse McClain and Caroline Haywood, for creating and running all of our visuals, which you can't see because this is a podcast, and to our digital producers, Norma Elkonian, Milo Kim, Mia Kelman, and Matt DeGroote, Thank you.