Lovett or Leave It - Grandpa Loves Us 2024

Episode Date: February 17, 2024

We stopped brainstorming new Taylor Swift conspiracies long enough to bring you a brand-new Lovett or Leave It! Natasha Leggero shares her ingenious childrearing strategy: stop after one. Rob Haze and Kevin Avery warm up the crowd with news both funny and frightening. Sam Pancake goes behind the scenes from The West Wing to The Penis Files, and we bid farewell to beloved chaos agent Producer Brian who is off to pursue his passion: electing RFK, Jr. the next President of the United States. For a closed-captioned version of this episode, click here. For a transcript of this episode, please email [e-mail] and include the name of the podcast.

What's up, Los Angeles? Welcome to Love It or Leave It. We have a great show for you. Sam Pancake wants to know once and for all, was he in this? Natasha Leggero has some tall tales to tell about the short kings that run her house. She has kids. And she might have some advice for you as well. Rob Hayes and Kevin Avery are here

instead of opening for RFK Jr. Plus, the rant wheel spins. But first, let's get into it. What a week. According to a new Monmouth poll, nearly one in five Americans believe Taylor Swift is part of a covert government effort to help Biden win in November. And the other four in five? Fucking sheep. Among the conspiracists, 83% say they're likely to vote for Trump.

I'm interested in what's going on with the remainder. I believe Taylor Swift is a secret asset who was deployed by the Pentagon to reelect Joe Biden. And furthermore, I think that's a slay. Biden-Harris 2024. Interestingly, 42% of those who said they believe the conspiracy theory also said they hadn't heard about it

before being contacted by the pollsters. Fuck. We got to get some polls out there about more positive conspiracy theories. Hi, I'm calling from Monmouth University. Do you believe the theory that President Biden has a secret plan to lower the Medicare eligibility age to zero, but it will only work if he pretends to seem really, really old? Want to know what else is fucked up? Every poll is like this. And that's just the 42% that admit it. People don't have opinions. They form opinions when asked. Even light doesn't know if it's a particle or a wave until you ask it. Yeah. Nikki Haley said Tuesday that she believes President Biden should resign,

saying this in a Hugh Hewitt interview. I think the Democrat Party knows that. And I think that it is not just in the best interest of their party. It's in the best interest of the country. What I will tell you, and I've said this from the very beginning, the party that gets rid of their 80 year old candidate is the party that will win. Easier said than done, Nikki. The Democratic Party is experiencing what a lot of families do. Convincing an aging relative to move out of their sprawling house into a more sensible and practical option is difficult because they're proud and want the place to be in good hands. And sure, sometimes they don't accept that it's time to move until their car jumps the curb its safe way or a dictatorship takes hold. But other times, and this is important, other times a routine keeps

a person young and vital and progressive. And they have a few more great years hosting holiday dinners and negotiating infrastructure deals. And they've taken better care of the house than you ever imagined possible. So it's hard. That's life. And you, Nikki, have a lot of nerve to give us advice about our aging patriarch when you have zero control over yours because we may be frustrated, but we're also protective. And the difference between our grandpa and your grandpa is our grandpa loves us. And your grandpa, your grandpa would watch your murder on television if he could. Meanwhile, Tim Scott opened for Donald Trump at a rally in South Carolina on Wednesday. And, well, this is what happened. He'll be here in just a little while.

And when you see him, let's make sure on Valentine's Day we share our love for Donald J. Trump. Yeah. Okay. Listen, I'm just going to tell you my reaction to this clip and I probably shouldn't, but it feels racist to even watch it. I don't, I don't know what else to say. I feel like it isn't even right to comment on this and possibly wrong to air it. Like this clip needs a disclaimer, like they do on max or to go into some sort of vault. The Biden campaign launched a TikTok account this week in an effort to connect with young voters. Here's the first TikTok dance President Biden uploaded. All right.

That's not the right clip. That's clearly the old six flags, man. This just in, Biden has diagnosed himself with ADHD and described tying Israel aid to Ukraine aid as a beige flag. What the fuck that means. Though many Gen Zers did return to the fold after Biden explained that Trump shouldn't be president again because he's a Gemini. Biden's TikToks have quickly become flooded with comments about the war in Gaza. Of course, the same is true of Reese

Witherspoon's TikToks, but on Biden, at least it makes sense. On Thursday, a New York judge declined to dismiss the criminal charges against Donald Trump that stem from his 2016 hush money payment to porn star Stormy Daniels. Can you blame Trump for never paying his debts? This is like the one time he fucking did it. He's going to go to jail over it? That sucks. The judge, Juan Merchan, announced that jury's selection for the trial would begin on March 25th. That gives New York's love it or leave it listeners plenty of time to rehearse for voir dire. Donald Trump. I'm sorry. The name doesn't ring a bell.

I've never heard it said. One of Trump's lawyers called that schedule unfathomable, arguing that the six week trial would overlap with important dates in Trump's presidential campaign. Your Honor, please. My client is a busy man. On March 26th, he's scheduled to refer to Nikki Haley as Nancy Pelosi while calling her the C word. On March 28th, he's supposed to say that Latvia could use a little tough love on its eastern border. On April 30th, he has to warn Travis Kelsey that Taylor is going to break his heart. Surely this trial can wait. Meanwhile, outside the Manhattan courthouse, Trump hard launched a new catchphrase to deflect from his felonies.

They have to focus on violent crime that's taking place outside. You have a new form of crime now. You have migrant crime. Migrants are trying to beat up our police officers. They're trying to do things that we've never seen before, actually. We are going to have a problem with, I call it, Biden migrant crime. Which one of you people told Trump about trochaic trimeter? Trump also made this cool claim while speaking to reporters. Right outside their courthouse, this courthouse, people are being murdered.

You think I'm a criminal? John Wayne Gacy's outside right now swallowing children whole. In other Trump-related news, a key witness testified this week that Fulton County District Attorney Fonny Willis began her relationship with prosecutor Nathan Wade before hiring him onto Trump's election interference case. The defense is seeking to establish that Wade's employment constitutes a conflict of interest

that would disqualify Willis's entire office from the case, thus derailing the former president's impending trial. Look, I don't know. Did you guys see any of this today? Wild. I don't love any of this. It may be wrong. It may be disqualifying. But is it a conflict of interest?

It's a conflict to fuck the judge. It's a conflict to fuck the defense attorney. It's a conflict to fuck a witness. But is it a conflict to fuck the defense attorney it's a conflict to fuck a witness but is it a conflict to fuck your fellow prosecutor they're fucking each other while jointly fucking trump so i understand if trump feels a little bit left out as their third but ethically ethically seems fine besides it's unreasonable to expect the people prosecuting Trump and his co-conspirators to not have sex with each other. It's a criminal case against Donald Trump like you wouldn't be all horned up all the time. The central point of contention is whether Willis financially benefited from Wade's compensation from her office as the pair traveled together multiple times following his hiring. Prosecuting Trump together and going on sexy little vacays?

Bad news. If you're in a relationship and it's not this relationship, you've settled. Wade maintains that Willis would reimburse him for expenses he covered, calling the district attorney an independent strong woman who insisted she is going to pay her own way. Which was tough for me, continued Wade, because my love language is gifts. And at first, it felt like she was rejecting my love. But we talked about it and found other ways for me to express love, like quality time and sex on top of file folders and legal documents. And that's been such a growth point for me. I'm sorry. I had therapy right before this. In a shocking move, Fonny Willis interrupted the hearing Friday and volunteered to testify.

Then, with all eyes on her, Willis knelt down on one knee, took a ring out of her pocket. And I'm just kidding, but can you imagine? Willis took the stand and said, yes, she absolutely paid Nathan Wade in cash for expenses he put on his credit card, saying she always carried cash. If you're a woman and you go on a date with a man, you better have $200 in your pocket. So if that man acts up, you can go where you want to go. So I keep cash in my house. Gonna take a lot of cash to get a cab home from Napa,

but whatever. Defense lawyer Ashley Merchant then pulled out the receipts in court, including a literal receipt from a tattoo parlor in Belize the pair visited in March of 2023. You do not go into a tattoo parlor in Belize the pair visited in March of 2023. You do not go into a tattoo parlor in Belize while on vacation unless you are having the best sex of your fucking life. I'm rooting for these two. I'm on their side. Love, love. Then when the defense said that the DA's office

objected to attempts to get records about a flight, Willis clarified. I object to you getting records. You've been intrusive into people's personal lives. You're confused. You think I'm on trial. These people are on trial for trying to steal an election in 2020. I'm not on trial, no matter how hard you try to put me on trial. And sure, she's a prosecutor and he's a prosecutor, but she's also a girl standing Standing in front of a boy. Asking him to fuck her brains out in Belize. After Republicans killed the Senate border bill that would have provided $6 billion in funding for ICE enforcement,

ICE officials drafted plans to save money by releasing thousands of migrants and reducing its capacity to hold detainees. I gotta come clean. If you had asked me which party would defund ICE, I would not have guessed Republicans. It's nice to know you can still be surprised. The Senate on Tuesday passed a $95 billion aid package with $60 billion in funding for Ukraine, plus aid for Israel, Taiwan, as well as humanitarian assistance for Gaza.

Said Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell in a statement minutes later, history settles every account. And today on the value of America's leadership and strength, history will record that the Senate did not blink. He went on to say, I know I said that in a confusing way, but the blinking part is not a metaphor. My eyeballs are bone fucking dry. My eyelids have sanded off my corneas. Mitch needs help. Nearly all Senate Democrats supported the bill, but Bernie Sanders, Peter Welch, and Jeff Merkley voted no, objecting to the no-strings-attached funding for Israel. Said Sanders, I will be damned if I'm going to give another nickel to the Netanyahu government in order to continue this war against the Palestinian people. Oh yeah, yeah, we're all, we're all damned, Bernie, said a fellow senator.

Look at us. We're damned. Oh, cool. I didn't know there was a picture for that one. There's, so that's, I guess, me and Bernie Sanders outside the gates of hell. Nice. However, far-right Republicans opposed the bill, and House Speaker Mike Johnson complained in a Monday statement, and this is the audacity, that the legislation lacked border security measures, calling it silent on the most pressing issue facing our country. And when I finally catch the guys responsible for that, boy, oh boy, am I gonna mess him up,

said Mike Johnson, charging at his reflection in a mirror like a husky that doesn't get outside enough. Meanwhile, after proposing a border bill, then claiming there was no need for a border bill, then demanding the Senate pass a border bill, then demanding the Senate drop a border bill, then complaining that the Senate didn't pass a border bill, House Republicans tried again to impeach Biden's Homeland Security Secretary for failing to secure the border.

Secretary Alejandro Mayorkas is the first cabinet secretary to be impeached in nearly 150 years. In a statement, Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer called it a sham impeachment and said this is a new low for House Republicans. Not a problem. Give me 20 and I'll find you an even newer low, said Lauren Boebert after doing a Jaeger bomb and walking into a children's museum with a Morning Zoo DJ she met on field. Meanwhile, Republican House Intelligence Committee Chair Mike Turner on Wednesday publicly called on President Biden to declassify information about a serious but unnamed national security threat. Turner didn't provide any details, but the threat reportedly has to do with Russia wanting to put a nuclear weapon in space to potentially use against satellites.

Hey, Kennedy isn't running for president. The Russians are up to something scary in space. Everybody's wearing enormous pants. The 60s are back, baby. It's madman hours. Tomorrow, I'm pouring myself a scotch at 10 a.m. and cheating on my beautiful wife who hates me. Sure, I don't know what an avocado is,

but when I get to my desk, there's just a phone there. So cool. White House National Security Advisor Jake Sullivan addressed Turner's statement at a press briefing saying this. I am a bit surprised that Congressman Turner came out publicly today in advance of a meeting on the books for me to go sit with him alongside our intelligence and defense professionals tomorrow. Yeah, sure, he could wait for the briefing, but that's boring as fuck, Jake. And what details are going to make nukes in space less alarming? But where are they?

Above our heads. But what is it? Nuclear bombs. Oh, shit. House Speaker Mike Johnson sought to calm the panic that followed Turner's comments. I want to assure the American people that there is no need for public alarm. Oh, good. The guy who looked at school shootings and went, abortion did this, has analyzed the situation and we have nothing to worry about. Said Johnson, I am not at liberty to disclose classified information and really can't say much more, but we just want to assure everybody steady hands are at the wheel. We're working on it and there's no need for alarm.

Of course, he went on to say, my goal over the next year, the organizing principle of my existence is to replace those steady hands with the most unsteady, fucked up, syphilitic, ego-driven hands the world has ever seen. Meanwhile, House ethics investigators have obtained texts from 2017 that allegedly show Matt Gaetz, just a few months after he joined Congress, setting up a trip with a young woman that his buddy Joel Greenberg had been paying for sex. Wrote Gaetz allegedly, hey, any interest in flying on a private plane to the Keys, May 19th to 21st?

I mean, I'd say I'd reply yes to that, too, any interest in flying on a private plane to the Keys, May 19th to 21st? I mean, I'd reply yes to that too, I guess. There's just one catch, continued Gates. I too will be on the plane. Gates allegedly went on to say that the trip would feature two guys, four girls, a very high quality adventurous group. Adventurous in that they have sex with people they aren't attracted to. The woman replied, yeah, I'm in. And then Gates allegedly responded, fantastic. As is true with all time you spend with me, it'll be fun and chill. No one has ever had a less fun or chill time on a plane, said a voice emanating from Amelia Earhart's bones at the bottom of the ocean. On Tuesday, Democrats successfully flipped the congressional seat previously held by George Santos.

With voters sending former Congressman Tom Suozzi back to the House. It didn't feel real that he's gone until now. It's like we finally started dating again after the divorce and yeah, our new boyfriend never steals our wallet while we're asleep and uses the money to set up a fake P.O. box for a Medicare scam. But boy, miss that spark. A reporter asked Tom Suozzi about his resume and there was literally nothing in there about overcoming polio or meeting Tsar Nicholas

or inventing banana grams. Just bored ass normal political shit. And it's like, can I not feel safe without feeling bored? And does that mean I can't trust the people I love and I can't love the people I trust? What are we talking about? After the results came in, Santos texted, this is real, he texted New York's Republican delegations. He said, I hope you guys are happy with this dismal performance and the $10 million your feudal bullshit cost the party. Now, Republican Congressman Andrew Garbarino replied, sorry, new phone, who dis? Someone's always got to be funny in the fucking group chat. You're all trying to figure out what day works for drinks and Andrew Garbarino's in there going, it's wine o'clock somewhere. Shut up, Andrew. Does Thursday work for you or not, you useless clown?

Meanwhile, South Dakota Congressman Dusty Johnson walked into the House chamber with a baby on Wednesday and joked, everybody, I have George Santos' baby. Okay, that's a good one. It's what George Santos said before he stole that baby. North Carolina Lieutenant Governor Mark Robinson, the leading candidate in the state's GOP gubernatorial primary, said on Monday that trans women should be arrested if they use women's bathrooms. We're going to defend women's sports in this state. Period. We're going to defend women in this state. That means if you're a man on Friday night and all of a sudden Saturday you feel like a woman and you want to go in a women's bathroom in the mall, you will be arrested.

On the other hand, we at Love It or Leave It have just one thing to say to you if you're a man on Friday and all of a sudden you feel like a woman on Saturday. That's nothing. This is the same candidate who has a long and sordid history of demented, anti-trans, anti-Muslim, anti-Semitic opinions, up to and including Holocaust denial. He referred to Black Panther as a fictional hero created by an agnostic Jew and put to film by satanic Marxists and trash that was only created to pull the shekels out of your black pockets, but used a Yiddish epithet for black people. He also once posted, I am so sick of seeing and hearing people still talk about Nazis and Hitler and how evil and manipulative they were.

Sorry to bother you. Yeah, I guess we do go on about it. The Shoah. A person from Oregon has been diagnosed with a case of bubonic plague. Yep. Public health officials say the person likely contracted it from a sick pet cat. This is the cat in question.

Oh. I don't think we needed his actual headshot. We should have just shown the fucking cat. And for those listening to this audio podcast, it's James Corden

as the cat in Cats. That's why it's so funny. That's why the people here are losing their fucking minds. The French National Center for Scientific Research issued a warning that, thanks to microbial diversity collapse, the popular cheese camembert is on the verge of extinction. Great, now I can't wear my beautiful camembert coat anywhere without people looking at me like I'm a monster. So far, all attempts to put male and female cheeses together in their enclosures have completely failed. Still your favorite joke of the week, Hallie?

According to a new peer-reviewed article published in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, or PENIS, climate change is producing hurricanes so powerful that we need a new category to describe them, category six storms. Though sometimes people claim a hurricane is category six when it's really just 511. Penis. Something remarkable is going on with a stingray at an aquarium in Hendersville, North Carolina. First, the stingray is named Charlotte.

It's a pretty cool name for a stingray. Second, Charlotte is somehow pregnant, even though the aquarium doesn't have any male stingrays. Experts say... What? All right. Experts say one of two things is going on. Either it's parthenogenesis, which is very rare outside of Jurassic Park, or the stingray managed to breed with a shark. Oh, wow, this is definitely a miracle, said a nearby shark that was covered in flop sweat trying not to make eye contact with his shark wife.

Can I just say something about this? Maybe a shark and a stingray are having a baby? That's just something people are just throwing out there as a possibility? That's possible? They're similar enough? They look different. A woman named Ketchy Diallo has lost her job with the Tucson School District over her OnlyFans account. I'm sorry, you may not know her by that name, because Ketchy Diallo used to go by Rachel fucking Dolezal. She's back, baby. Her OnlyFans is full of racy photos, and by that I mean photos where she's a different race.

You know what? She's coming back around. You know what? She's coming back around. William Post, a bakery manager who helped invent Pop-Tarts, has died at age 96. According to the coroner, due to rigor mortis, he did pop up when he was finally done. Fun bit of trivia.

When Pop-Tarts were introduced in the 1960s, the name was a reference to the then-novel pop art movement. Anyway, William Post died at home surrounded by loved ones of a gunshot wound inflicted by Valerie Solanas. I'm sorry. You may not know this. Valerie Solanas shot Andy Warhol. I believe she thought he might be plagiarizing his work. I think she had a few screws loose and that joke was for no one. Anyway, Post has asked to be cremated

because that's just what happens when you leave them in there. That was my favorite. A passenger sailing on Royal Caribbean's nine-month ultimate world cruise has died, the company confirmed. Family members said this is how she wanted to go, ass up on a cruise.

In a TikTok that has since been taken down, a fellow passenger said of the ship's first death, she was an elderly lady and the reason I know is because I was coming to my room when they were taking the body out. I have no idea why they took that video down, but left up the one where they dumped her corpse in the ocean like Osama bin Laden.

What do you think happens if you die at sea? They put you in the freezer with the shrimp. And finally, last weekend, a cheering mob in San Francisco absolutely demolished an unoccupied driverless Waymo car by smashing the windows and tossing fireworks inside, said the CEO of Waymo. If we knew people were going to do this, we wouldn't have designed them to experience pain. When we come back, penis, no, when we come back, Natasha Leggero is here. Hey, don't go anywhere. There's more of Love It or Leave It coming up. And we're back!

Please welcome to the stage a woman who I call Mother. All right. It's the incredible Natasha Leggero. Thank you. Hi. Good to see you. Thanks for being here.

Do I get this one? Yes, you do. You have more interns than I've ever seen in my life. How do you have so many interns? They're full-time producers. How do you have 20 producers for this show? This is a tough show. This is a fucking complicated podcast.

I can't get one intern to work for money for my podcast. Here's why. This is the most complicated podcast that isn't a documentary about a murder. That's what I would say. There's a lot of moving pieces. There's like three people sitting at a booth right over here. It's a big operation. There's nine people in the green. It's amazing. And here's the thing that's cool about it. That's why it all seems perfect and seamless. Natasha. Yes, how are you? You wrote a book.

It's called The World Deserves My Children. It is now out on paperback. It was a critical success, so they re-released it on paperback. It actually came out last year. Great. I'm on a new tour for it. Okay, well, we got you the second go-around.

You don't have kids. I don't. Do you want kids? I think so, yeah. Oh, you the second go around. You don't have kids. I don't. Do you want kids? I think so, yeah. Oh, yeah? I think so. You only need one. Here's where I'm at.

Here's where I'm at. I'll tell you where I'm at on this question. I don't really like either direction. I can't see a life of just kind of planning the next trip till I'm too old for the trip and then dying. No, it sucks all around. But then I see that my friends that have the kids, exhausted. And so it seems like your choice is between exhausted and yet deeply fulfilled

in some way they don't care that much about. Here's the thing. The trick that no one really ever mentions, just have one. Like, one is an accessory, two is a lifestyle. I have a whole

chapter about it. Just have one. Just have one. Yes, it gets a little weird when they're on the balcony praying for a sibling, but you know what?

You just like, keep going on vacations with your friends and you're like, these are your pretend siblings. Like, so they don't feel like lost and alone.

Right, right, right. With no friends. And do you think that's working? It actually is, John. Hell yeah. Cool. All right. I mean, it seems to be working so far.

I don't know. And do you talk about freezing your eggs in the book? I did freeze my eggs. I had a child in my 40s. Are you saying woo or why? I did freeze my eggs. I had a child in my 40s. Are you saying woo or why? I can't hear. How do they make sure, you know,

like during the brownouts? Like if the power goes out at home, are you like, oh, I gotta check on the eggs? You know what I mean? They put them in a freezer that you can maybe go visit if you want in West LA. But what do you mean by the brownouts? Well, just saying that sometimes the power goes out.

I just like, you know, if you have ice cream in your freezer and you forget about it for a year, when you go back, it's not good because at some point the freezer got warm. That does happen, yes. But fortunately, you're paying for them to freeze them. So they like kind of keep you abreast of where the eggs are going. But yes, it's it's I only got one that actually worked out of like freezing all my eggs at 38.

I think I had 10 eggs and then they traveled with me, like you said, through a few different freezers. I had them transferred. Then I met my husband when I was 42. And then I had him bust his nut on all those. I don't know the, I think that's the medical term. And then they, he blasts on all of them. And then they became three embryos and they put two up me.

They all died. Oh, and then my, that was not a joke. He's laughing at me being unable to deal with how real this is. But then the one that I did, the embryo that I did put up inside me became my beautiful child. So, you know, I feel like as long as you know, there's a few claps. I just want to get the word out that people know women, you know, if you do want to have

your own child, which by the way, I was totally okay adopting, but a lot of men aren't like, would you, would you want someone who wasn't your. I'm open to it. Yeah, that's cool. I'm open to it. Although, you know, I like so few people. You're like, I want to like at least like the. So yeah, I mean, it's interesting it's interesting

well i tell my daughter all the time that she's so lucky because she's an only child and i told her i said you know sometimes people have 10 kids in their family and she was like 10 kids that's a lot of nannies see i was like i know so many au pairs for daddy to choose from did you get an au pair what isn't is that just a nanny from europe it's a nanny from a more sexually liberated country who comes and lives with your family and then she sleeps on on one side and then your husband jerks off in the shower and thinks about her on the other side of the wall oh that's cool i feel like i'm so far from this and too old to be as far from it as i am but that's the life i've i've chosen i like that life i think you're i think you're on a good hey

as being in parents to only children an only child are you worried um that you'll be weird so they'll be weird like when i was a kid um there was an only child and his parents let him sit in the front seat i think that really fucked him up. You know what I mean? Okay. Like the moms in the backseat, that fucking shit was weird and it sucks. That's weird.

You know what I'm talking about? Those kids though. But listen, I do think that the only children thing was sort of a myth that was propagated in the eighties because they're like, Oh, they're so weird. If you look it up,

like only children are super intelligent. They make more money than other kids. They were just given, because usually parents are older. They're giving more attention to them. I don't know. My main goal with my child is to just shield her from Taylor Swift, because hear me out. I just feel like every 12 year old I've ever talked to, their only touchstone for all of culture is Taylor Swift. Like if you tell a 12 year old

girl that you don't like Taylor Swift, like my friend brought her 12 year old over and she was like, what kind of music do you like? And I was like, I don't like Taylor Swift. She's like, what? Like, and then I told my 45 year old white woman friend that I don't like Taylor Swift she's like what like and then I told my 45 year old white woman friend that I didn't like Taylor Swift and she was like wow Natasha I didn't know you hated women thought you were a feminist what was the question oh that's my main like I'm do I want her to be weird yes I hope she is weird I mean weird is good right like I don't want her to be weird? Yes, I hope she is weird. I mean, weird is good, right? Like, I don't want her to just be, like, coasting in the mainstream. Were you? Coasting in the mainstream?

First of all, this doesn't coast. This doesn't have a coast setting. This thing grinds. Oh, you're grinding through the mainstream. This thing skitters along the surface, falls down. So Taylor Swift and Travis, they were on the field together and they were miked and there's a really funny moment where they have like a that you can just sort of feel their their um their kind of chemistry because she says that was amazing how did you do that

and he says there's a big party people who are romanticizing this relationship need to get a life like it is yeah they know that that's what they that's why they're doing this they know they need to get a life he looked like a truck driver to me but uh hot as hell oh you think he's hot is that your type is that my type no i wish it could be wouldn't know what to do i what to do. We didn't know where to begin. A lot of brawn. I've never been a fan of brawn. Oh, yeah?

That's so weird because you're your husband. He's not. Yeah. Well, I think because like my dad was an Italian and I just always went for like, who's the smartest person? Yeah. That was kind of, I mean, nothing against my dad, but you know, it's like... He's not alive anymore. He didn't care.

What do you... Hey, hey. He used to brag I've never read a book in my life. Like, that's like a thing. Like Italians, you know? That's sad that he's not around. He's good for this era. That's actually very much of the now, you know?

She could run for office or something. Hey, you know the climate. Did that affect your decision to have kids? Oh, my God. I have to say, like, in my book, The World Deserves My Children, my whole pre-law, prologue, is that what it's called? I talk about how, like, the election, I had this huge election party at my house,

and, you know, it was so just liberal bubble, you know, like we heated up the pool to a hundred to like make it a big hot tub. And then I got like Mexican food. Cause I thought that would be ironic when Hillary won, it would be so great. Cause Trump, you know, and, and so then and so then we were all sitting there floating with our mini burritos and margaritas like and I brought a TV out to the pool and we were all just kind of like chilling and it was so fun. And then all of a sudden I was like, wait, this is getting weird. And then I asked like a friend who was there who's probably like you, like who knew what

was happening. And I was like, what is happening? And he was like, if Trump wins Michigan, that he's going to win. And then like immediately he won Michigan. And then I was like cut to, you know, everyone was like crying in the pool. People are wet. I'm like trying to say goodbye to people. It was just awkward. I got into a huge fight with my husband. I started crying. The balloons popped. Like it was just like, and then I remember thinking when I went to bed that night, like,

I don't think I'm going to have a kid. I can't believe he was elected president because I was so like everybody else, very traumatized by this. Because once he said, grab him by the pussy, I was like so mad that Hillary Clinton kept asking us for money. Cause I'm like, there's no way they would ever elect a president who said that.

Like, why would we give her our money? Like, come on, lady, this is fucked up. You're winning. You must have had a similar situation. It was. Yeah, no, it was. It sucked. But anyway, my point is, I really thought I wasn't going to have a kid.

And so that was like something I really had to struggle with. But I do feel that I'm so glad I did. And when we're all alone in our bunkers, it's going to be great to have someone who has to be there with you who can show you how to work your phone. I'm glad. I really don't like the, oh, climate change means you shouldn't have kids. The world is bad. you shouldn't have kids. The world is bad. You shouldn't have kids. I find that to be so, I find it to be a kind of naive and worldview that kind of parades

as being cynical. And I always just, the world isn't over. If you build a beautiful family, the world is not a worse place. And anyone who thinks that is, I think, thinking in a pretty small way. I totally agree. And furthermore, clap for that. But furthermore, we need to produce people who are going to be at the helm of this generation. And, you know, someone needs to fight with the other people. Yeah.

Because, by the way, because they're having kids. Exactly. They're in Battlestar Galactica, which is obviously a seminal text for me. The Cylons have attacked the world and the education secretary who's far in line of succession ends up becoming the president and she becomes president

and the Cylons are attacking and all the generals are like, we have to fight back, we have to fight back, we have to fight back. And she just says, we have to surrender and we we have to fight back. And she just says, we have to surrender and we need to start having babies.

And I always think about that because I've never read a book. Before we let you go, you know, you have brought the wisdom of motherhood, which we don't usually have here. I was like, I will do your show,

but don't make me talk about politics. And then you brought it up. Well, just an election party. Wait, quick question. Are you going to have an election party this year? I think election parties are, I think one lesson is do not tempt fate. Elections are not for parties. Elections are for grabbing the side of a table.

But remember the Obama election party? That was fun. That's the problem. Too many people remember that. The funniest thing about being in LA from after election day 2016 through about March of 2017 is every person that had a really nice house,

you'd go over there and they'd say, do you want champagne? I bought all this champagne for election night. And so you were just getting champagne from all these showrunners okay uh before we let you go uh does anybody want to ask a question advice on how to deal with your parents or how you as parents should deal with a child for natasha i need advice on how to deal with my parents so i hope it's not about that oh well shit um what's your name and what do you you can also come up with a fake name if you want I need advice on how to deal with my parents, so I hope it's not about that. Oh, well, shit.

What's your name? You can also come up with a fake name if you want. No, I'm RJ. Hi. Okay. No, I was going to say, if you have parents with problematic beliefs, do you have advice on how to maybe utilize your relationship with them to help influence the way that they think?

Problematic beliefs is a tough one, and I do think that it's so hard because if two people do not share reality, they will never see eye to eye. And I think that coming to that point where you realize that, whether it's with a family member or a neighbor or a relative, family, friend, I don't

know. Like I've had it with neighbors. It is because you're like, wait, why am I arguing with them? Like they think this, I think that. I don't know what the next step is. I just know that it means that we're never going to see eye to eye. So maybe if you can even come to terms with that part of it, it can help you a little bit, even if it means you're a little pandering to them. I've thought about this too, because we get this question from time to time. And I have, it is very hard to change someone's mind about the world, but it's a bit easier to change someone's mind about you. And so I start from a place of your goal is not to change what they think. Your goal is to help them understand what you think.

I would start with that. But I would also think my ability to change the outcome of votes is actually you have a lot of agency, but you don't have a lot of time and your time is limited. And so where should you put that time? And I would always think, am I going to successfully persuade

my aunt to change her worldview at 66 probably not but I can go out and get three people who weren't going to vote in this election to show up and that can cancel out her vote without ever having to

scream at her oh I know what your problem is, Mexicans. You know what I mean? That is so smart, but I have to say, maybe on shows like this, just not make fun of Biden that much. Oh, no, we're going to keep doing that. Maybe you're right. Here, we're going to this woman, but let me just say, as a mom,

it is so, the worst thing to was would be having Trump be have a microphone like my daughter is six and she does not know who he is. And like, I think that's so cool. Like, it's like she's an angel who doesn't know who Trump is. And like now she's going to be in first grade next year. And if they're like the president says it's just it is such a toxic environment like anything we can do urge people that it's just the lesser of two evils and it's so sad it's like why are people being mean to each other on planes i don't know maybe because the president was a massive fucking asshole for five years i know let's do one more lady hi i'm casey and my question is actually about being an older parent because i am an older parent with a five-year-old child and I find myself surrounded by parents

who are of a very different generation. In LA? I feel like all the parents in LA are like about to die. I mean, we're all like so old. Well, not in my school district in Long Beach. I feel like we are often trying to figure out how to interact with parents who actually are just very different stages of their life. how do you like help your children make friends in those

situations i thought i was going to be a much more neglectful parent than i am like i'm kind of shocked by it but like there's a lot of ways to measure yourself above like beyond age and i think that age is kind of limiting for you. You know, I think it's like people who value the same things you do. Like, you know, I prefer to hang out with parents who don't like let their kids just watch a screen during our dinner that we're having, because then my kid does it, you know, and I don't want her to do that. I think that like meals are a time to not have screens. And it's something that is I'm going to die on. And, you know, it's like finding the people who just share your values, I think, instead of focusing on the age. That's what I would say. And that was great. Natasha, I'm perfect. Thank you so much. The book is The

World Deserves My Children and it is out now. Audiobook is how I recommend because I'm reading it. So why not just like listen to it while you do the dishes? And check out Natasha's website to see if her tour is coming to a city near you. Thank you. When we come back. I feel like I learned a lot. Thank you, Don. Thank you. You're the best.

We'll be right back. And we're back. This week, the world's second worst Kennedy. Who's the worst? Ted. No, he's dead. Fuck, you got me. I was like, oh yeah, Ted Cruz Kennedy.

Wait, that's wrong. RFK Jr. announced his upcoming campaign fundraiser, A Night of Laughter with RFfk jr and friends which will feature curb your enthusiasm star and heartbreaking political wife cheryl hines as mc as well as a cadre of comedians rob schneider tim dillon bobby lee adam carolla just to name a few joining us now a better cadre of funny people the hilarious rob hayes and the hysterical ke Avery. Hi.

Hello. How are you? Good to see you. Good to see you. Thanks for being here. How you doing? Come on in. Hello.

Hey. How's it going? Should I be here? Yeah, that's good. Or should I be over there? I feel weird because I took a- Because I'm far away. Well, I took up a couch. Here's the problem. Here's the problem up a couch. Here's the problem.

Here's the problem with this couch. It's a confusing size. Okay. Do you want to be over here? No, absolutely not. But because then we're, look it, let me just show you what that, no one wants this shit. Now look at us.

Yeah, now that's. We look like we're in trouble. Right. Right. What do we do? Why are we sitting here now? No, I don't like this. If I just sit at the piano,

now we have, and I just... We have a whole other dynamic. Guys, this is the show. Now you're entertaining. Kevin and Rob, you're here because you're both RFK Junior supporters. Right? As we spoke about, yes.

You all know this. Hey, how much money would it take for you to have to go and and open at a fundraiser for this fucking zero no amount of money is worth people seeing that and then going i didn't know that about him you know that's the fear like you can't well like am i i'm just performing or am I, like, asking him how he got the muscles? Because I do, like, an hour long interview to find out, like, you know, how you get them forearms. How did he get those forearms? Yeah. Did y'all see his Super Bowl commercial? Yeah, we did.

And it was just, like, old school, but it didn't say anything no no didn't say a fucking thing yeah it was just like oh we got found footage and then it was that was oh here we go i didn't really have these do you want a man? That sucks. Yeah. No good. So isn't it amazing to imagine there was a time where that's all you had to do? You just had a bunch of people sing a song where they just said your name over and over again.

It's so cool. Right. I mean, before that, you know, he just had buttons. So they were like, this guy got a camera. That's crazy. This guy knows TV people. You need a good slogan. A nice little...

Kennedy, Kennedy, Kennedy, Kennedy. That shit's catching. It's fucking awesome. I didn't really watch the commercial during the Super Bowl. I tuned out a little bit. Did you watch the game? I'm a big 49ers fan.

You are a big 49ers fan. I am a big 49ers fan. You are a big 49ers fan. I am a big 49ers fan. So is she. The rest of them, not so much. Well, that must have been tough. I understand they didn't do well. I let it go. That's what you have to do. What else could you do? Hang on to it?

It just feels weird. You're in your jersey and you're just kind of like... No one knows what to say or do. You're not really sad. You're just like, well, no one knows what to say or do. You're not really sad. You're just like, well, we're all wearing this shit. And you just kind of sit. You got like a piece of chicken.

I don't know. I watched Usher. I enjoyed Usher. Yeah. Did people enjoy Usher? Because I saw an article that talked about how he didn't do well. And I'm like, were we watching the the same or was this done like some white guy you shouldn't be reading articles anymore

I can't trust these articles I don't know why articles best halftime show ever I don't care what you say you can meet me in the parking lot Prince didn't skate Michael Jackson didn't skate none of them can skate

got a valid point yeah it was cool it was it was cool i also it was um i was just thinking we were talking about it which is that like wow the confidence to take your shirt off on a stage with 120 million people watching and to pull it off too you know like i just uh you, the shirt doesn't get stuck on top of your head. He had a snap shirt, but the snap shirt didn't unsnap the whole beginning of the performance because we didn't know it was a snap shirt until he unsnapped it. We didn't even know.

That's ideal snap shirt. Yeah. Adam Levine, he took his shirt off and people didn't like that. But Usher, the minute he took his shirt off and people didn't like that but usher the minute he took his shirt off he got to it he started dancing like crazy but that's but that's the thing that's what's so important about it because when adam levine did it we're like ah your shirt's not on fuck this but when usher did it is like your shirt's not on good this is right and not even in like a gay way.

Just in like a, this is correct. Like your shirt was, it was right that it was on. This was the right time to take it off. Now it's good that it's gone. You know? Your man danced on grass, danced on stage, danced on wheels. Come on, man. Any surface, uphill, downhill.

Imagine roller skating. Not me me it's too much not this old man i that was the most nerve-wracking and i watched the whole game but usher on those roller skates was that was the most nerve-wracking part i was like please stay up please stay up because a fuck-up could happen to anybody could happen to anybody. Remember when Beyonce almost fell? Yes. Who remembers that? Yes. They're going crazy behind this curtain over here.

When she almost fell. Incredible. But that was like divine. That was God going, not Beyonce, just lifting her up. No, no. That was God and years of squats in the gym. That's true. So that she could recover from basically lying on her back fully back up.

Incredible. Or Beyonce is God and that's just what we need to come to terms with. I don't fucking know. Whatever you believe in. We don't even know what we believe, but the roller skates,

we believe in that. And yes, because it could happen to anybody. Fucking roller. And I think he almost ate it. Will.i.am need to learn how to get a bigger base, man. Cause will I am legs wasn't wide enough.

He was supposed to go slide under. Will I am all will I am got to do is stand like wider than he normally stands. We ain't seen him standing years. Like all you got to do is stand wide and then usher can fit under there. But did he, he didn't make it all the way through? It was a little rough, but I'm not blaming

Usher. Nobody's blaming Usher on this stage. No, he did his thing. As you know, gentlemen, the news was a fucking laugh riot this week. Indeed. Indeed. Anyway, I'm skipping ahead. Let's talk about it. Let's talk about it. In honor of RFK Jr.'s comedy show that we were talking about,

we're going to weigh in on whether these moments in this week's news are actually funny or just deeply fucked in a segment we're calling A Night of Laughter and Coughing. Because he's anti-vax. No, yeah. No, I got you. Because RFK Jr. is anti-vaccination. So it's A Night of Laughter and Coughing.

Here's the thing. I just need to... I'm looking at it on the monitor. Your faces. And I couldn't tell. I was like, well, who are those people? Right. Yeah.

And I mean... I don't know if it's okay. You can tell. I was looking at it for a while like, I don't know who these motherfuckers are, but this is... I don't know if it's okay that we made this. Rob's... I don't know how Cal Williams is really going to feel about...

Some of the choices that were made yeah you really don't tell them about it i don't know now here's the thing that blue is my color yeah no one here can deny that and no one and no one would dare yeah uh we talked about the RFK Super Bowl commercial. Next up, we have President Biden confusing Egyptian President Sisi for the President of Mexico in his press conference about how he is not too old. As you know, initially, the President of Mexico, Sisi,

did not want to open up the gate to allow humanitarian material to get in. I talked to him. I convinced him to open up the gate to allow humanitarian material to get in. I talked to him. I convinced him to open the gate. Do you think this is funny or fucked up? How long did this go without him knowing? He never technically corrects it, but he does know he's talking about Egypt.

I mean, if you break it down, they both got pyramids in their lineage. So it's really like, you know, which pyramids are we talking about? Like, he going all the way back there with it. So, you know, maybe the Mexicans and the Egyptians are connected sometime. We don't know the files. That's a beautiful idea. That's a beautiful way, you know, because really we're thinking he's making a mistake, but really he's thinking of Chichen Itza, you know?

Mm-hmm. And that's so cool. It's all connected is what you're saying. Yeah, it's all connected. Next up, we have Trump sending out a Valentine's fundraising email that says this. Dear Melania, I love you. Even after every single indictment arrest and witch hunt, you never left my side. Is that?

He got laid that night with that little message. I think it's sweet. It's adorable. It's adorable. Hallmark never brings up the indictments. There's no section They just skip over that Some people need that Other people need this card

There's plenty of people Former Wall Street people That's like yo I need that indictment arrest witch hunt That actually is It does come up in life People need a card that says Thank you for standing with me when i was on trial it does happen right a fair amount and there's no that's not in the cvs aisle

but the the way i read this at first is i love you even after every single indictment arrest and witch hunt and then i and i'm like what the fuck did she do you know what i mean like it sounds like he's talking about her. Right, right, right. It's confusing. It is confusing. He could have structured that better. He could have.

It's almost like he's not very well educated, but I don't want to blow the whole thing. Also, it's you never left my side is past tense, right? Like, could she? Yeah. Yeah yeah we're still hanging on to hope uh you never left my side is it's very r&b i i see through that i see a car you know what i'm saying that's like it's a little boys to men right there i see a card so this is the greeting card you see it's a picnic like uh but the but the cloth that's down is blowing away and somebody's hand is covering the cloth and it says you hold me down then you open it up and it says i love you even after every single indictment arrest witch hunt

you never left my side. There it is. That's beautiful. And then you just signed that bad boy and you good. That is beautiful. You're going to be rich. You're going to be rich. Next up, Travis Kelsey screaming Viva Las Vegas after winning the Super Bowl.

Viva Las Vegas! Viva Las Vegas! Viva! Viva! Las Vegas Viva Viva Las Vegas God the confidence when you're shaped like that why

he his voice cracked a little bit he didn't quite hit that third one yeah well I mean I'm sure his vocal coach is furious I'd be embarrassed to He didn't quite hit that third one. Yeah, well, I mean, I'm sure his vocal coach is furious. I'd be embarrassed to date a singer and then just fucking launch into Viva Las Vegas. You couldn't catch me singing like... That is the fucking hubris.

So cool. But I guess when you're holding the Super Bowl trophy. Yeah, you can sing whatever you want. Yeah, why are you showing me this shit? You know I was upset. I didn't know about that because it was... I'm sorry. I'm sorry. So cool. But I guess when you're holding the Super Bowl trophy. Yeah, you can sing whatever you want. Yeah, why are you showing me this shit? You know I was upset. I didn't know about that because it was what? I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I didn't know until this all happened. I feel like I'm still in my jersey. As someone who works in TV, if you sing a song, then they're normally like, yo, that's going to cost us $100,000. He should have to pay that. He should have to pay that. He should have to pay the Elvis estate or somebody. He got to pay that. He's rich.

He got it. He's got to pay Elvis. Yeah. You think they asked him? Austin Butler is knocking on the door. Pay the cast of Priscilla. He's got to pay somebody. He's got to pay somebody.

Do you think he did coke off that trophy? And that's our segment. Thank you so much to Rob and Kevin. Rob's new album, Frontin, is out March 2nd, and you can hear the dulcet tones of Kevin's voice on the Great North on Fox. Yeah. I don't know exactly when.

And we don't know when, but that's part of the fun. When we come back, pass the syrup. We've got Sam Pancake. And we're back. Up next, I welcome to the stage the man, the myth, the treat, the delectable, Sam Pancake.

Sam Pancake. I didn't hear my name. Come on out. They were talking to me. Hello, good evening. hear my name. Come on out. They were talking to me. Hello, good evening. Hello, Sam. Come join me. This is a love seat, right?

Yes. What is, hey, you know what word I want? You know what word I wanted to use and I didn't know if it applied? Settee. Yeah. You said it. I'll say it up front. You said it?

You guys all said it? It's a fucking settee. He said love seat and I whispered settee. I know. And I honestly, I said loveeat and I whispered settee. I know. And I honestly, I said loveseat, but I was like, I know. I know it's going to sound so, it's a settee. I know that it is. Yeah.

And I should have trusted that. Yes. It's like a prim Victorian, but leather situation that should be in a hallway somewhere for your maiden aunt. That's a settee to me. Speaking of being gay. Exactly. You're made in aunt.

That's a settee to me. Speaking of being gay. Exactly. What's your opinion about non-gay people playing gay parts? Oh, you know, it's a pick and choose. It's like, okay, okay, no, no, no, no, no. Yes, yes, maybe. No, no, no.

I have very specific ideas. So is it based on the project or is it based on the straight? Both. Yes. Project first. James Corden should not have been in the prom. That should have been not brooks and shemankis who did it on broadway it should be one of the other eight zillion amazing gay gentlemen who would fit that role and i've met james corden he was very nice to me whatever he complimented me so still see he could do that and i still don't want him to have

it so that's one of the ones well maybe next time he won't be so nice. I know, right? This isn't, that one like, it's not being recorded, right? No, no, this doesn't go out. But you know what I've been watching lately and I'm very happy they're both gay. What? Because I'm late to the game,

but fellow travelers with Matty B, Matty B and Johnny B. Gotta watch it. No, I have to watch it. Oh my God, John. I have to do it. You know how most, any sex on TV or movies

isn't that hot often? For me, this is a different historia. Perhaps you will watch it and know a little bit more about me. But oh my God, John, I'm telling you right now. Really good?

Tonight. It seems, tonight? I guess. Okay, I'll watch it tonight. Paramount Plus. Showtime. I mean,

you can make a recommendation without dictating my schedule. Welcome to me. Did you see Kristen Stewart in Rolling Stone? The pictures or the reading? The pictures. Nobody read it. Oh, hey, yeah, I did see that dude.

No, no, I'm not being like that. Literally, I saw the back and I was like, I thought it was a guy. And I was like, hey. And I was like, oh, good. It's her. Hooray. Yeah. We have a crooked queer slack. Man, that channel was freaking out.

Oh. Yes. The the bi's and the lesbians and the L's, the B's, the Q's, the T's. They're freaking out. The G's didn't care.

The rainbow. She is the producer of the show that my best friend is on. And my best friend says lots of amazing, great stuff about her. So she's aces with me. Okay. The last time we were on, you were- I'm sure she needs my approval too. Listen, maybe she does. I don she needs my approval, too. Listen. Maybe she does.

I don't know. Maybe. Maybe she listens. She could. Crazier things have happened. She's in the demographic. She is. Right, right, right. You know? Yeah, in the mix. Hey, the last time you were on the show,

I don't know if it was the last time, but you did a rant about dating younger guys. Yeah. Was that the first? I think it was the first time you were on. And the thing went viral, and it kind of changed my life, John Lovett. Thank you very much. Oh, really? What happened? Y'all I think it was the first time you were on. And the thing went viral and it like kind of changed my life, John Lovett. Thank you very much.

Oh, really? What happened? They, y'all, whoever it was at that time posted a clip from it. It was at the improv. Yeah, yeah. And they were like, we're going to post a little bit of that. It's about gay ageism. And then it went fucking bananas.

Yeah, it did go bananas. And I got all these like, and then I got literal jobs out of it. Like I got offered a couple of TV jobs that I did. They were like, I heard you on this thing and I thought you'd be great for this thing. I was like, thank you. So thank you. Wow.

I've never gotten any TV work from this. In fact, it seems to repel it. Ow. Your set tea got me back for you not having work. Sam, you've been in dozens and dozens of films, dozens and dozens of TV shows. Honestly, you've been in dozens of dozens of films dozens and dozens of TV shows honestly

you've been in so many even you may not remember them all I probably don't luckily we've written them down for a game we like to call was I in this

someone take a picture of that so I can have it well it's we have it Sarah are you here oh you can send it to me yeah it's digital

what's that here's how it works producer Brian we have it. Sarah, are you here? Oh, you can send it to me. Yeah, it's digital. What's that? Here's how it works. Producer Brian will go into the audience. You and I will trade off quizzing these freaks on your IMDb page. Okay. If you'd like to play, please raise your hand. Are you ready? Wait, do you have... Do I have

what things to read? Do you have cards? Nope, you're sharing. We're sharing? We're sharing. Oh, hello. Now it's a love scene. Now it's a love scene. Now it's a love scene. Aw. All right. Sam, kick us off.

Hi, what's your name? Hi, Ben. What was the um before you said your name, you think? All right, you go. Was I in the West Wing where I appeared as Stu Winkle, gossip columnist for the Washington Post? No. Incorrect. he was.

That's right. Did you like being on the West Wing? I loved it. I did a whole episode of the West Wing. This is a story. Can we do it now? Yes. I did an episode the first time where I played a waiter

that spilled a tray of drinks on Wait For It. Allison Janney, Mary Louise Parker, Elizabeth Moss, and Trent Ford. We were there all day at the Marina Del Rey Ritz Carlton. I met Soccer Channing. Sorkin is always there, roaming around, roaming around. The entire plot got jettisoned and they never aired it,

which was weird. Years later, I ran to Allison. I said, do you remember what happened? She's like, honey, I don't remember anything. I don't remember my life. And then they brought me back to play Stu Winkle, which was just that same day. Go in, it's Sorkin.

So word perfect, monologue, thank Christ, it was all on an answer. I'm like talking to Matt Perry, God bless, and Allison, it's a message, and I've run into people who have, who haven't memorized this thing that I say over the, I'm sorry, the speakerphone, I'm on the speakerphone. Anyway, it was an offer, I took it. Wait, hold on. You were on speaker phone on the West Wing? So it wasn't actually your face? It was my voice. And it's on my IMDb. Sit down.

Sit down. Get the fuck out of here. That's a true question. Unbelievable. Unbelievable. Oh. Oh, people are leaving. Oh, that's for the thing. Who's up next? Someone raise your hand.

I won't be mean to you. I wouldn't know how. I'm adorable. Hey, RJ. What's up? Was Sam in the Michael J. Fox show as Dr. Young in the season one episode Surprise?

I'm going to say yes. No, as Dr. Young in the season one episode, Surprise? I'm going to say yes. No, Sam B. Damn it. Who's next? It can still be RJ. Oh, go next. Head to this person. Hi, what's your name? I'm Luke. It's Luke. Hey, Luke, what's up? Was I, Sam Pancake in Friends, where I played

the waiter in the season nine episode, the one with the blind dates, where Rachel goes on a horrible date with John Lovitz? You were. You were. I was. I had to share it. Get this at fucking stage 24,

where they do the friends. It's like the friends stage, yet I still had to share a Jack and Jill bathroom with John Lovitz. We shared a bathroom. You're welcome. What was that like? I was still doing a lot of drugs in it. It was one of those jobs where you're like, was that like? I was still doing

a lot of drugs in it it was one of those jobs you're like oops I'm still high from the weekend and they called and said come to Burbank

I do a whole solo show about this so who cares come to Burbank you have to jump in on Wednesday and play a waiter again it was my second episode

of Friends and thankfully I was in good enough shape but like John Lovitz's was not a concern of mine I had bigger fish to fry and sniff. Oh, you have another one. Oh, as a follow-up

what is the other Friends episode I was in? Oh, I kind of gave it away. Oh, but what's the title? Or what did I do? The one where I don't like that show. Oh! Wow, so fucking edgy. Could you be anymore?

I don't know, something. I didn't have a joke. Take the microphone away from Luke. Oh, good. Hi, what's your name? Riley. It's Riley. Was Sam in Pushing Daisies

as beleaguered dickers department store employee Denny Downs? Definitely. You were. Yeah, I was. And that was the second episode of that because I was in the pilot and Brian wrote this part for me and the character drowns in a big glass crystal vase, but it was made of plastic. However, when they did the fitting for the plastic thing, I was in a t-shirt, but on

set I was in a very like, I'm playing homosexual. So I had like brocade and an ascot and a cravat and a situation. And they put the thing on me and I started to pass out. And I was like, I can't breathe. And they thought I was acting. And I wasn't, but they cut all that out. And then they put me in another episode where I did that, where I were dark, more darkness.

You ready? Yeah. The late, great Willie Garson is supposed to, he almost kills me and he was standing over me More darkness. You ready? Yeah. The late, great Willie Garson is supposed to, he almost kills me, and he's standing over me, and I was wrapped in plastic by the same prop master that put the plastic thing on my head a couple years before that I almost died, and he wrapped me in plastic because my character was going to get slaughtered,

and he was like, I'm the guy who wrapped Laura Palmer in plastic, which I thought was cool. However, my arms couldn't move, and Willie's over me with a chainsaw, and I've known Willie for years, and sometimes we didn't get along so great and I was like

just have to trust him and they and they was like rum rum rum rum rum and the director who was English lovely she was like there's no petrol

and it just won't hurt you and I'm like then why is it making a rum rum rum rum noise and I lived for better or worse and here you are was I in the

Curb Your Enthusiasm season 2 episode The Shrimp Incident portraying the character Michael Halbreich I have to go again I guess they told me

what hey you put too much spin on the ball just there yes or no no he was

fuck Cheryl Hines who's now married to RFK who I went to college with just there. Yes or no? No. He was. Fuck. Cheryl Hines, who's now married to RFK, who I went to college with, which is a whole other story. You went to college with RFK Jr.? Or with Cheryl Hines?

With Cheryl. Two years. And have you lost touch? You haven't. It's been a minute. It's been a minute. But you could text. I probably could.

You could text. I'm not going to. You're not going to. You're not going to. What's there to say? She's a minute. It's been a minute. But you could text. I probably could. You could text. I'm not going to. You're not going to. You're not going to. What's there to say? She's a delight. She's a delight, probably. You know, I think as long as she's kind,

that's the most important thing. Not what she does with her precious voice. You should text her. Okay, next up. Wait, someone else take the mic. Oh, yeah. Cowards. Hi, what's your name? okay next up wait give the someone else take the mic oh yeah cowards yeah hi what's your name

Kevin hi Kevin I like Kevin's energy I do too he sounds kind speaking of Cheryl not you Ben oh

did Sam co-star as John Mills alongside Ashley Judd and Andy Garcia in the 2004 psychological thriller Twisted I'll go no

that's correct Sam Jackson was I in the original run 2004 psychological thriller, Twisted. I'll go no. That's correct. It was Sam Jackson. Was I in the original run of Will and Grace? Yes. Yes. That's the one. Who knows who Rip Taylor is?

Rip Taylor. We know Rip. I did an episode with him. I did like three or four episodes of that show, and he actively stalked me for two months after on the phone. Hell yeah. It's in my show, months after on the phone. Hell yeah. It's in my show and it scared the fuck out of me. And it ended with a long rambling answering machine message on

Thanksgiving night about how you don't pick up your fucking phone. No wonder you don't work. You have no career, you little loser. What if your agent called? I was like, I don't think he's mad at me. I think it's something else. Oh no, Rip Taylor. I know. I don't think that was even about he's mad at me. I think it's something else. Oh, no. Rip Taylor.

I know. I don't think that was even about you, to be honest. I think that Rip Taylor was going through something. Yeah. You know? Don't you think? He was like, I was a veteran of Vegas and the Korean War. He had a lot to say. I'm writing a book about this shit.

About Rip Taylor? Well, that's a part of it. It's just like wacky showbiz adventures that I've had. I don't know if it's a book. Maybe it's just vignettes for a blog. As someone who's recently impossibly been part of the writing of a book, it's very, very difficult. But you should do it.

Thank you. Wait. It's hard. I mean, maybe you shouldn't have led Rip Taylor on. Do you ever think about that? Well, here's the thing. He like said, I'm going to call you on Thursday. Ask the price if I'm not dead. Because he said, write your phone number on this. And Victor Garber,

the great Victor Garber, was in the same episode. And Victor Garber gave him his phone number so it was a time of landlines and cell phones. I was like, well, if Victor Garber did it, I guess I should. Here's the thing, though. I could just see Victor Garber just be like, I figured out how to delicately

exit to this situation. And then you were fucked. Yeah, yeah. That's back when I was still doing drugs. And you want to do this last one? And finally, did I appear at,

hmm, poker face. And finally, did I appear in the penis files as a character listed on IMDb as Sam Smithoff, hopeful Olsen peanut recipient? Sam Smithoff,ful Olsen Peanut Recipient.

Sam Smithful Hopeful Olsen Penis Recipient. Oh. Huh? Yes or no? Hey, I'm Aaron. I'm gonna say yes. Yeah, that's, I think that's a thing Oh, you have that. I did that with the great Drew Droege, I think. We played a couple and there was something about our dicks, obviously.

Yeah, well, you were the recipient. I guess maybe I had lost my peen. Yeah. Well, I think, you know, when it comes to Riff Taylor, may his memory be a blessing. Yeah. Yeah. Thank you so much to Sam. He's about to go on tour with Lauren Graham.

Check out his Instagram for dates when we come back to Rant Wheel don't go anywhere this is Love It or Leave It and there's more on the way before we get to the Rant Wheel Washington D.C. we're coming back Love It or Leave It will be coming to the nation's capital

on April 25th for a show at the Lincoln Theater. Tickets are... Get in there. Also, friends of the pod get early access tickets and the best seats in the house, so subscribe now at crooked.com slash friends.

Also, our Crooked Kariuma Love It or Leave It sneakers are 20% off through Sunday. They're almost gone, so get in there. We're trying to move some shoes. Listen, you start a podcast with a couple of friends,

seven years later, you're selling shoes. And they're cool. Each pair plants two move some shoes. Listen, you start a podcast with a couple of friends, seven years later you're selling shoes. And they're cool. Each pair plants two trees in the Brazilian rainforest and if you don't buy them, they cut down ten. Head to crooked.com slash store and make sure you check it out before Sunday night. Alright, please welcome back to the stage

Natasha, Kevin, and Rob to join Sam. Come on out everybody. Thank you guys for sticking around. Now it's time for the rant wheel. You know how it works. We spin the wheel wherever it lands. We rant about the topic. This week on the wheel, we have lids inside cups at fast

food restaurants. We have saying goodbye when you have a stye. We have celiacs. We have what I want to shield my kids from. We have when area bisexuals leave the area. We have dog loverss. We have what I want to shield my kids from. We have when area bisexuals leave the area. We have dog lovers versus dog people. We have I have such doubts. And Brian Semel.

Let's spin the wheel. It has landed on what I want to shield my child from. I think it is Natasha's. Oh, you want me to answer this one? Yeah. Well, there are many things, but I would love to shield her from Amazon and Jeff Bezos. And I think that

he has really changed the way our minds think. I'll be hanging out at my house and then all of a sudden I'm like, oh my God, all the dogs need eye patches. And I just like, that is not how we should be shopping. He has infected

our brains to such a degree that there is no turning back. And I don't know if you people know this, but Jeff Bezos has patented one click shopping. So no one else in the world is allowed to sell you anything else on a website unless in one click, unless they want to go to court with the richest man in the world. And so I'm just, I don't know how there's ever going to be a revolution.

We can't click twice for toilet paper. Is that a rant? Yes. And it's a really important one. Let's spin it again. And why do all the billionaires have these weird misshapen heads? Okay, go ahead.

No, that is, it has landed on lids inside cups at fast food restaurants i believe that was robs yeah um not just fast food restaurants it's starting to infiltrate the movies um basically when you get your cup at these places, yes, I'm not better than you people. I drink out of paper cups with plastic lids. They will put the lid in the cup and then put the straw still in the straw paper in the cup and hand it to you. And to me, straw paper is designed to protect the straw from everything in the outside world.

And it defeats the purpose of the straw paper if you're going to put the straw paper in the cup. And I know for a fact there's someone that's done the research that says it's faster. We can get more people through the line. We can sell more drinks if we do it this way. But there's no regard for being sanitary. Like, just give me a naked straw if the straw paper can just touch anything. anything. The only reason I'm getting concessions at the movies is because

I know that the movies make money off of concessions and not the actual film on release day. So I'm going there to support you. The least you could do is put my straw on the side. Hell yeah. Thank you. Thank you. Nobody's talking about it. Nobody's talking about it. Nobody's talking about it.

Nobody's talking about it. They will be now. And they will be now. Let's spin it again. That's so specific. Oh, God. It has landed on dog lovers versus dog people. Kevin, is this yours?

All right. Yeah, look. I realize this is going to be a very unpopular topic with a lot of you out here. So before you turn on me right away, I'll remind you what month this is. Just a little cushion. Just a little cushion. Here's the thing. Here's the thing.

I like dogs. I can't handle dog people. And some of you think you're dog people. You're you're dog lovers and that's fine but there's like this there's been this thing that i feel like in the last uh i don't know seven or eight years where uh where people if you are not if you don't just love dogs if you don't see a dog and right away, you're like, a pariah! And I don't know what it is. And it's not that I don't like dogs, it's just that I've seen

one before. You know what I'm like? I'm not losing my goddamn mind. And also, I don't need your dog to be everywhere. And you don't either. You can leave him behind. Here's the thing.

You can take him someplace. But this thing where, like, I was at an adult party, and we were drinking. There was alcohol, and I was having conversations with somebody, and we were into it. And then someone kind of wanders up, and he's got his puppy. And then he's like do you don't want to you don't want to say hi to leo you don't want to talk to leo and i was like no i don't leo has nothing to add to the conference we were talking about polyamory does leo have something to say it's just i leave you don't have to take the dog

you know leave it at home for the funeral you know what i mean like don't you want that job don't have to take him to? Like, don't, you want that job? Don't have to take him to the interview. I don't know. That's, that's my. Yeah. And they made it hard to lie to bring him on planes. So they made it harder. If you need the dog.

Yes. That's a different story. But if you're. Yeah, no, I'm talking about lying. Sure. Well, yeah. But no, but we've got to get a better lie. Yeah, need the dog, yes. That's a different story. I'm talking about lying. You say you have a service dog. You could say emotional support. You felt like, all right, God doesn't mind. But service animal, I think

he cares. You know what I mean? I think it bothers him. Let's spin it again. I'm saying I think God doesn't care if you pretend your dog is an emotional support animal because it's all kind of squishy. But for a service animal, I think not good. I think you get the judgment and the lightning. Okay.

That's me, right? Oh, yes. Celiac. Celiac disease, which I have. And this is less of a rant and more of a public service announcement. So in 2018, after I've been sober from drugs and alcohol. Excuse me. It's funny because I was going to say,

but not smoking. And that was like from when I smoked a cigarette the other night. Because I was sober from drugs and alcohol. You can't do any of it anymore. Hooray at work it took.

I started smoking again in rehab though. Oops. But then I quit again. Anyway, my point is this. I go to my first colonoscopy. Anybody? Anybody?

And they do an endoscopy at the same time. And my vibrantly homosexual, very handsome gastroenterologist kept saying to me, we're going to go up your butt and down your throat at the same time. We're going to go up your butt and down your throat at the same time. Like he was testing me. And it was like 2018, like me two times. I'm in my 50s. What do I say?

And he was like, I'm going to go up your butt and down your throat at the same time. And I was just like, girl, dude, lady, man, whatever. Like, you can say that one more time. I'm going to make a remark about it. But anyway, so I had the thing and they keep the next appointment after the endoscopy, he came back in the, you're at the doctor's and you're like, am I going to have colon something? You know, I was in my fifties and I was sitting and waiting for him and he walks in the office and he went, and I was sitting and waiting for him and he walks in the office and he went, ah,

and I was like, girl, man, girly, do not, ah, me in a doctor's office. He's actually a really good doctor.

I'm like, ah, what? And he was like, ah, you have celiacs. And I was like, what?

And he seemed like, this is the same doctor who later in another visit, he was like, come in the office, I have something I have to tell you and I was like fuck and then he went like

you wouldn't believe this I saw you in a movie on Netflix and I was like that's not this is a doctor's office ma'am and so sir so anyway

and then he's like and I was like I'm southern I grew up on biscuits and fried chicken and all the things and I'm like my life is over

I had to give up fucking alcohol and booze and like all the drugs I enjoyed especially the meth and so then years ago but gave it up so I'm like my life is over I had to give up fucking alcohol and booze and like all the drugs I enjoyed especially the meth and so then years ago but gave it up so I was like fuck now this now this and then he was like popcorn and I was like what and he was like

popcorn and I was like what are you talking about I have popcorn now and he was like no you didn't have popcorn I just looked it up and I was like anyway so so then like what happens with celiac disease is like literally that was the first thing he fucking said, Brian Semel. And then he was like popcorn because he was on his little laptop. And I'm like, so then I was like, what the fuck does this mean?

But here's the serious, sad, dark part is that he was like, you probably had it your entire adult life because I didn't have any symptoms. Here's the thing. I didn't really have any symptoms. So I didn't know. I didn't have any digestive shit that I knew of. What was happening, though, was I hadn't been absorbing my nutrients for my entire adult life, and I was like, wait a minute. Is that why I wanted to do so much speed and pills and drugs all the time? have it. It's autoimmune disease. It makes your villi shut down. You don't get your nutrients in. It fucks everything up, including your hormones. And if you keep eating gluten, even if you don't have symptoms, it can make you have dementia or IBS or MS or diabetes. And my father died of

dementia. And we thought he, and we think he had it. This has got really dark. The other, the worst news is that I used to be like, I can eat whatever I want. It's like, it all goes through me. I don't gain weight because it was. So A, I put on weight. My father died of dementia. This is the end of the ramp, but get yourself checked for celiacs now. All right. Let's spin it one more time. It has landed on

Brian Semel. This is a rant five years in the making, as this week we mark the end of an era. Brian is leaving Love It or Leave It. Devastating. So it is finally time to tell him what we really think about him. Our resident woodland sprite with opinions. To send you off on your next beautiful adventure in style,

or at least in our style, we are going to read fun facts we've accumulated. The whole team has accumulated about you over the years, accompanied by the beautiful strains of what I assume is your favorite instrument, the bagpipe. Get out of the way, Brian. Come out here, come out here.

Come here, Brian. All out here. Come out here. Come here, Brian. All right. You just stand there. Sad day, huh? Don't even talk to me about it. Brian's former dog bit off an elderly man's thumb. Brian turned himself in for a hit and run, and the police didn't care. Brian somehow shattered a glass shower door

seconds before we all had to leave the hotel on tour. Brian is bisexual. That's not even a... That's a fun fact. It's a fact. He's a nepawanka. A small sample of the lessons Brian has signed up for over the past two years.

Pole dancing, ballroom voice lessons, and sushi making. a small sample of the lessons brian has signed up for over the past two years pole dancing ballroom voice act voice lessons and sushi making is somehow both a 30 rock and jeopardy alum he learned the lizzo tiktok dance to about damn time we all learned that yeah he fell on his ass potentially breaking it twice in one week he loves loves the show Drops of God, a program none of us will learn a damn thing about. In a separate driving incident, Brian ripped the door off his car by backing up into a pole with the door wide open.

And finally, he got turned down from a job at the Griffith Planetarium because his voice was too high. No one has better captured or lived the gay chaos that makes this show special it is one of the great joys of my life that i get to make this show and travel the country with this group of funny strange and anxious and joyful nerds brian we love you we will miss you there was a bet to

see who would cry first i won we both lose we going to really miss you. We love you. Producer Brian, everybody. We come back. We'll end on a high note. Give me a hug. And we're back. Here it is, the high note. Hey, Love It.

It's me. It's Brian. I used to produce your show. My high note for the week is the very nice send-off I got from the absolutely amazing team that you have assembled to make this show uh so I want to say thank you to Hallie and Kendra and Laz and Zuri and Claudia and Steven I love you guys you're the best in the biz and I will miss you very much hi love, Lovett and team. I'm Orly from Los Angeles. And my high note is that after almost 20 years in the United States, I finally became a citizen

this last December. So today I used Vote Save America to register to vote for the first time. And I can't wait to cast my ballot. Thank you for making it so easy and for everything else that you do. Hey, Love It. This is Erin from Missouri. And last night, I finished my signature gathering training so I can collect signatures to get a ballot measure to overturn Missouri's abortion ban on the ballot later this year. For more information or to find out how to sign up or help in the effort, visit moconstitutionalfreedom.org or look for me out on these streets. job that I have dreamed of having for many years. And I'm so excited to get to help out elders and disabled adults in the community that I was born and raised in. And so yeah, it's wonderful. And that is my high note. Thank you so much for everything that you do. Hey, love it. It's me.

It's Brian. It's your old producer. I forgot to thank someone. And that is you. Thank you for trusting me with your stupid little show it's been really really really fun to make it it's been a total joy i've enjoyed every second uh no notes every moment has been perfect you are a really great boss and i will miss you and bye sluts thanks to everybody who sent in a high note tonight if you want to leave us a message about something that gave you hope you can send us a voice memo to lowlyhighnot a high note tonight. If you want to leave us a message about something that gave you hope, you can send us a voice memo to lowlyhighnotes at gmail.com, lowlyhighnotes at gmail.com. Or if you're a friend of the pod subscriber, you can leave us a message in the Discord

server in the Love It or Leave It channel. That is our show. Thank you so much to Natasha Leggero, Sam Pancake, Kevin Avery, and Rob Hayes. There are 268 days until the 2024 elections. Have a great night and have a great weekend. Thank you. Finally, you can join our Friends of the Pod subscription community for ad-free episodes, exclusive content, and a great discussion on Discord. Plus, it's a great way to get involved with Vote Save America. So sign up today at crooked.com slash friends.

Love It or Leave It is a Crooked Media production. It is written and produced by me, John Lovett, and Lee Eisenberg. Kendra James is our executive producer, and Brian Semel is our producer. Halle Kiefer is our head writer. Sarah Lazarus, Jocelyn Coffin, Peter Miller, Alan Pierre, Will Miles, and Mahana Del Shiki are our writers. Evan Sutton is our editor. Kyle Seg Lazarus, Jocelyn Coffin, Peter Miller, Alan Pierre, Will Miles, and Mahana Del Shiki are our writers. Evan Sutton is our editor. Kyle Seglin and Charlotte Landis provide audio support. Stephen Colon is our audio engineer.

And Milo Kim is our videographer. Our theme song is written and performed by Sure Sure. Thanks to our designer, Bernardo Serna, for creating and running all of our visuals, which you can't see because this is a podcast. And to our digital producers, Zuri Ervin, David Tolles, Claudia Shang, Mia Kelman, and Matt DeGroat for filming and editing video each week, Zuri Ervin, David Toles, Claudia Shang, Mia Kelman, and Matt DeGroat for filming and editing video each week so you can.

There's a lot to disagree about when it comes to politics these days. Boy, howdy. But something we can all get behind is Jon Stewart's second term as the host of The Daily Show. The late night legend shares his satirical takes on entertainment and politics. And in an election year, you know it's about to be just a terrible ride. Just a terrible ride. Hear daily episodes fine-tuned for your ears, along with the biggest headlines,

exclusive extended interviews, and more on The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. Jon Stewart's back. He's back. He's back. And it's like he never left well i think it is like he left it was great it was a great first episode we're recording this the day after the first episode back it was fantastic hey gen x you still got it gen x john stewart's gen x oh well i

felt like we're millennials and it was like a millennial thing to watch the daily show but i'm just saying that he's sort of you know we're millennials for sure we are yeah