Lovett or Leave It - Greenland New Deal

Episode Date: January 24, 2026

This week, Trump plays chicken with Europe and lays a big ol’ goose egg, Minnesotans dish it out hot while ICE agents freeze, and JD Vance brings his trademark mid to the Midwest. Kevin Nealon tells it like it is, and then apologizes immediately after. Frankie Quiñones cracks us up with The Egg of Truth, and Lovett is second to none when it comes to having Second Thoughts. For a closed-captioned version of this episode, click here. For a transcript of this episode, please email [e-mail] and include the name of the podcast. Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

This episode is sponsored by Planned Parenthood Federation of America over the last year. We've seen our rights attack. The truth stretched. That's for sure. Stretched. And access to essential health care threatened. In a blow to our already abysmal health care system, the Trump administration and Congress have defunded Planned Parenthood, jeopardizing care for 1.1 million patients across

the country. But Planned Parenthood isn't backing down. They're still fighting to provide non-judgmental care like birth control, cancer screenings, abortion, and more to millions of people. And your support can make a difference. Planned Parenthood relies on the generosity of individuals, people like you. to power their work. Whatever you give can protect care and make sure Planned Parenthood health centers have the resources to meet the needs of patients now and into the future. Show up for patients,

show up for rights, show up for the values you believe in. Visit planparenthood.org slash defend and make a gift today. Donate now to support Planned Parenthood at planparenthood.org slash defend. That's planparenthood.org slash defend. What's up, Los Angeles? Welcome to Love It or Leave It Live at Dynasty Typewriter. We've got a great show for you tonight. Kevin Nealon is here. Frankie Cignonese is here. The heck of truth is here.

Sure. And then we're all going to take a look back at tonight with some second thoughts. But first, let's get into it. What a week. Tuesday, January 20th, marked the one-year anniversary of Donald Trump's second term, and even our delivery robots have had enough.

Was that empathy? At a press conference on Tuesday, Trump was asked a question that only a year ago, as worried as we were, about what was to come, would have shocked us. How far are you willing to go to acquire Greenland? You'll find out. Thank you. No spoilers. That implied threat matches explicit threats on social media, like this AI-generated image of Trump planting an American flag on Greenland.

Not the first picture of Trump on an island that makes me sick? Probably not the last. Trump also leaked a screenshot of a text. from French President Emmanuel Macron. It reads, My friend, we are totally in line on Syria. We can do great things on Iran. I do not understand what you are doing on Greenland.

Let's try and build great things, sending what the French would call the sandwich du compliment. Trump, fully in his Lisa Barlow era, also shared a screenshot of a text from NATO's Secretary General Mark Ruta, which read, Mr. President, dear Donald, what you've accomplished in Syria today is incredible.

I will use my media engagements in Davos to highlight your work. there in Gaza and in the Ukraine. I am committing to finding a way forward on Greenland. Can't wait to see you. Yours, Mark. And then a follow-up text from Atlantic Editor-in-Chief Jeffrey Goldberg saying, hey, guys, you gotta loot me out of this.

The whole thing is embarrassing, but can't wait to see you really puts it over the top. Let's work on that anxious attachment style, Mark. Let's heal those wounds. No one ever can't wait to see Donald Trump. It's just not an emotion a person can have unless you include Ivana at present in hell. And speaking of hell, as Trump headed to Davos for the World Economic Forum,

tensions were high, and the S&P 500 dropped over 2% amid the standoff, and thank God because the stock market screams are the only ones Trump can hear. Human screams, they sound like wind chimes to him. This led Treasury Secretary and best little boy in the world, Scott Bessent, to try and calm, frayed nerds.

I tell everyone, sit back, take a deep breath, do not retaliate, do not retaliate. Like Trump is a grizzly bear and Europe is making too much eye contact. He's not the kind where it helps to seem bigger, just play dead and he'll lose interest. Besson's point is, don't react to brazen and foolish threats from the leader of the most powerful country in the history of the world because he will back down. But he only backs down when people react to the threats like this Danish politician. Let me put this in words you might understand. Mr. President, talk off.

Kind of ruined it when he pulled a cringle out of his pocket and then rode off on a faggy little bicycle. But I love where his head's at. He's still a little pleased with himself at the end there, Mr. President. On Wednesday, the European Union froze approval of a trade deal with America over Trump's Greenland threats until the U.S. decides to re-engage on a path of cooperation rather than confrontation, and the pushback worked. Trump blinked on additional tariffs for European allies who opposed U.S. aggression toward Greenland, writing on true social that he and European leaders had reached a framework of a future deal

with respect to Greenland and, in fact, the entire Arctic region. He also withdrew the threat of invasion. We probably won't get anything unless I decide to use excessive strength and force, where we would be, frankly, unstoppable. But I won't do that. Okay? Now everyone's saying, oh, good. That's probably the biggest statement I made

because people thought I would use force. I don't have to use force. I don't want to use force. I won't use force. It's the geopolitical equivalent to when the car alarm that's been going off on your block in the middle of the night for two hours finally stops.

Sure, it'll start back up again in 30 seconds, but you don't know they yet. Tensions over Greenland, among other issues, haven't helped Trump recruit countries to join his so-called Board of Peace, which he would lead indefinitely even after leaving the White House. Could you imagine Trump leaving the White House? Sorry. All right. We're a little brittle this week. The news is tough.

Got it. Getting the energy. But not to worry. On Thursday at Davos, Saudi-backed business skeleton, Jared Kushner revealed the new... The new board's master plan, great term, for what they're calling New Gaza, which promises coastal tourism, a transportation hub, and energy and digital infrastructure, basically a new Middle East resort town. Here we have one of the slides.

Is this abundance? Meanwhile, in Minnesota, the backlash against ICE continues. Here's Brooklyn Park Police Chief Mark Bruley at a press conference on Tuesday, surrounded by fellow law enforcement leaders accusing ICE of violating basic rights. The truth is, immigration enforcement is necessary for national security and for local security. But how it's done is extremely important. As the last two weeks, we, as law enforcement community, have been receiving endless complaints about civil rights violations in our streets from U.S. citizens. What we're hearing is they're being stopped in traffic stops or on the street with no cause

and being forced to demand paperwork to determine if they are here legally. We started hearing from our police officers, the same complaints as they fell victim to this while off duty. Every one of these individuals is a person of color. It has to stop. Bruelly detailed one incident where an off-duty officer was driving past ICE when boxed her in and demanded to see her papers. Their guns were drawn during the interaction,

and when she tried to record them, ICE knocked the phone out of her hands. When she identified herself as a police officer, ICE just ran off. And that's what you want. You want a federal law enforcement agency that goes, oh, fuck, the cops, and darts off. Like teenagers trying to buy beer.

The stories coming out of Minnesota are also horrifying. According to the New York Times, ICE has detained four children in the same Minneapolis. school district, including a five-year-old whose photo went viral online, school officials accused Iced of using the boy as bait to lure his family members out of their home. Even worse, the photo was recovered from a folder on Stephen Miller's desktop labeled taxes.

They're right, but I'm also right. You know? The brutal images, the lawlessness, it's why you see confrontations like this one outside this Minneapolis Safeway as Trump's prima ballerina Border Patrol, Greg, Vino, unsuccessfully tried to gain access. To be fair, this is indistinguishable from your average day at Safeway. But, uh, now you might think it's bad form to call somebody a Nazi, but then this is Greg Bevino. Here he is.

Uh, again, in Nazi drag during a CNN photo shoot, uh, by photographer Mustafa Hussein back in October. It looks like a bespoke coat, though Bovino swears he got it at a vintage store in Argentina. I'm just... I'm kidding. They didn't have anything in his side. He had a drop by Ashgoshba Gestapo.

Joking, obviously. He went to Nordstrom Reich. Stop it. He went to Orban Outfitters. It's just Hugo Boss. But fascism is a culture, not a costume. On Wednesday, the Associated Press reported... Yeah, reported on an internal ICE memo

from May 2025, leaked by a whistleblower, which authorizes federal agents to enter people's homes without a judicial warrant, According to the report, officials were told to read the memo and return it. One of the two whistleblowers was allowed to view the memo only in the presence of a supervisor and then had to give it back as if to avoid a paper trail. But they forgot one thing. The concept of remembering stuff.

In a new CBS poll, 61% of respondents said that ICE was being too tough when stopping and detaining people. Do you know how hard it is to get 61% of Americans to agree on anything? it's this, and wishing the shrink-wrap packaging for raw meat was easier to open. Are we really supposed to just gash at it with the nice and then push out the little bits in the corners? What are we doing here? Majority said that the Trump administration was not prioritizing deporting dangerous criminals and that ICE was making communities less safe.

Oh yeah, checkmate, idiots, said ICE officers as they detained a five-year-old domestic terrorists wearing a Spider-Man backpack. According to a story in Axios, Trump and his team are seeing the same numbers in private polling, and it has got them worried. Thank God, something can worry them because the judgment of an almighty God has not really slowed them down. One top Trump advisor told the outlet, he wants mass deportations, but what he doesn't want is what people are seeing.

He doesn't like the way it looks. It looks bad, so he's expressed some discomfort with that. Wait, sorry, that statement was actually about this picture of his hand. And that's the other hand. That's supposed to be the good hand. Trump wants ICE to deport a million people in a year, but he doesn't want cameras to record an army of masked, dull-eyed anger management class certificate holders as they drag their neighbors out of their houses for the sin of being part of an undocumented workforce we collectively built over decades. And it's like, oh, darling boy, my sweet summer child, you want mass deportations without all the mess? There are no rain without the rain, no delicious big masks without the bloody abattoir, no filet, no filial fish without whatever they kill the fish in, a bucket, the eggs.

air. Trump even felt compelled to deploy his trademark tact and human touch to address the concerns of his beloved fellow citizens. And, you know, they're going to make mistakes sometimes. ICE is going to be too rough with somebody or, you know, they deal with rough people. Are they going to make a mistake sometimes? It can happen. We feel terribly. I felt horribly when I was told that the young woman who was, uh, had the tragedy, it's a tragedy. And of course, he left it there. When she was shot, there was another woman that was screaming, shame. Shame, shame, shame, right?

He's so loud. Like a professional opera singer. She was so loud and so professional. Okay, so I don't know what the fuck he's talking about there, but at least he didn't make it about himself. When I learned her parents and her father in particular is like, I hope he still is, but I don't know. It was a tremendous Trump fan. He was all for Trump.

I loved Trump. Well, he fucked that up. But then it was time for the closer. The administration sent their best messenger to Minnesota on Thursday to quell the political firestorm. And unfortunately, what has happened is that as we've enforced the law, there's been this weird reaction, again, unique to this city. This is not a common thing across the United States of America.

There's been a very unique, very Minneapolis-specific reaction to our enforcement of federal immigration laws. What I'm trying to do here today is understand why that is. What is it about Minneapolis that has become so chaotic? Good news, America. Benoit Blanc Nationalist is on the case. He's here to solve the mystery of why Minneapolis is furious about ICE. It's just so weird. It's just so difficult to explain what might have happened that would have led the city to become upset

about ICE being in Minneapolis. I wonder if there's any things that might have happened in the past couple of weeks that it might have led the city to become uniquely upset about what's going on in this city. Minneapolis,

that famed nightmare hellscape of vicious people. You know Minneapolis, the most hated city in America? Minneapolis, that place that's famous for its many, many assholes. Vice President John Line Denial Vance also had this advice

for the people of Minneapolis. Like, if we're trying to find a sex of Tell us where the guy lives. I'll tell you where he lives, Mr. Vance. The sex offender lives. I'll tell you where. Mr. Vance, I'll tell you where the sex offender lives, Mr. Vance. He lives at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.

Impromptu Women's March breaks out. I'm carried through MacArthur Park on your shoulders like a hero. Ice drops the mass and walks out of Minneapolis like the Pharaoh's guards in the Prince of Egypt. Jesse Waters adds proneness. Waters adds pronouns to his bio. I'm back on Survivor and I'm fucking killing it. And we've got a great show for you tonight. Coming up, Kevin Neillan is here. And we'll be right back. Hey, don't go anywhere. There's more of Love It or Leave It coming up.

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They're made with a super comfy and lightweight EVA. The Friday Sandal, that's also what I have. The new squishy Saturday Swayed Slip-on shoe for comfort. on the go. I don't trust myself with suede. That's just the fact. And for every item you purchase, an essential clothing item is donated to someone facing housing insecurity. One purchase, one donated with over 150 million donations and counting. Head over to bombus.com slash love it and use code love it for 20% off your first purchase. That's BOMBAS.com slash love it. Code love it at checkout. Guys keeping up with the Salt Lake City reunion?

Are you actually? Okay. Well, you have a story about the Salt Lake City Reunion. You have a story about the Salt Lake City reunion that is saving lives. You literally just had a conversation about the story about how the Salt Lake City reunion and your viewing of it is saving lives. What kind of lives? What lives? Uh-huh. You were being trolled by someone?

You had like an anonymous person messaging you and harassing you and you and you cracked it. You used their method for two years? I'm sorry, somebody's been harassing you. online for two years and you use the method from this week's Salt Lake City reunion, which involved doing the reset on the thing

to figure out the phone number? And that worked. We are recording it. This is all being recorded. You are being recorded. And so you did do this and you got the number. Did you know the number? What?

Whose number? What? So you're watching the Salt Lake City reunion. They're saying to Lisa Barlow, you did this. By the way, here's what I think a little lesson that you can, that actually comes into politics too. The facts just deny them. Excellent.

You then apply this in your own life. Now, when you saw it, you thought, we can figure out who that thing is. You saw that. That happens. And so then you do it. You pause the show. And you get the number.

You haven't finished it. Why would you? You're living it. You're living it. You are the show. The show has become real. And so, wait, so you then, you then get the number. Then what?

No, no, tell me the right. This is fascinating. So hold on. You now have the phone number. Now, is that assistant saved in your phone, or was it a mysterious number at first? When on been verified, I typed the number and then matched. You typed the number and then match. Okay, so now you have this information.

That's a kind of, there's a moment between the revelation. and the use, it's kind of scary. Because what do you do? You almost cried. Because now you have this information and there's a part of you that there's a chance you could do nothing with it. But so you're going to do something with it.

Wait, you haven't done it yet. You're going to call a lawyer in the morning. And just so you know, we're recording this Thursday night. This is going out. 100% not cutting this. Just out of respect for both of us, don't ask. So you really do out until Saturday morning.

Because as I've said many times, like this is a surprisingly popular show. So, so we got to move on. I may come back. Wow. Thank you for sharing that. You were right to interrupt. And we're back. Please welcome to the stage.

The incredible, the legendary, the one and only. It's Kevin Neeland. Hi, good to see you. Thanks for being here. Thank you, everybody. Thank you. Love it. I wish I could sit like that.

You can't sit like this? No, you're like a bird perched on the seat there. I feel more comfortable this way. I could barely sit like this with my knees up this high. You think? My legs are so long, you know? It's like I've got a rock to get off of the chair. Not because I'm super old, but just because my legs are so long.

Take a break. We'll be right back. So I had a question for you. By the way, I grew up watching you. This is amazing to be here. I'm so excited. You're the best. Now, you know, you're not.

Now, I had a question for you. Yes, sir. You worked as a mall Santa in your 20s. I thought you're going to say a model. And a model. And a model and a mall Santa. Yeah, I did work as a mall Santa. And San Diego.

I got a job through manpower. I first moved out here to L.A. to become a stand-up. But I was too nervous to go to any of the clubs. So I moved to San Diego because I wanted to check that out. It came from the East Coast. So I got a job working for a temporary help agency. And the only job they had was Santa Claus is around November.

So I did that for two months. months. I worked at Sears. And I lost my virginity to my elf. It's true. It's true. Wow. Any concern about the workplace power dynamic there? Well, when you're Santa Claus, it doesn't matter. Right. They let you do it. They let you do it. Yeah. And we're back, ladies and gentlemen. So now your son is of driving age, roughly, roughly of the age when you were Santa. That's right. That's right. That's right. Have you? Have you? you ever driven with a kid who just got his driver's license? Other than when I was a person who had just gotten my driver's license.

It is terrifying. It is a nightmare. He comes to a full stop at every stop sign. It's like forever, it seems like. He's not stopping. He's visiting that stop sign. And then he drives with both hands on the steering wheel, 10 o'clock and 2 o'clock position. I haven't touched the steering wheel in like 20 years of my car.

hands because I eat when I'm driving so it's the knees I drive with my knees you know course and he goes he's always like 10 miles under the speed limit and it's a Ferrari come on so yeah it is a little terrifying and I don't think he'll ever have a second day you know the way he's driving unless she shows unless she meets him at the stop sign otherwise I'm not going to happen too I can't see are there more than 10 people out there yeah yeah it's so it's way way more 10. So many more than 10. Plus all the people listening.

Yeah, yeah. And that's the real audience. Now, you're also a painter. I do paint. I like to paint caricatures of celebrities. They're cool. Yeah. I think they're really, I was, they're...

A little washed out, but I was... And I know, you were selling backstage that one of your biggest artistic influences is George W. Bush as an artist. That would be crazy. I just see a lot of connection between his paintings and your paintings, and I was wondering if that's something that I'm just implomely. Or if that's there. Well, maybe you're right.

I never thought of it that way. Because that's David Spade. And that's Trump. And just for people, we have Chris Farley and we have... Christopher Walken. Christopher Walken. And it's really cool. Really good.

You're good. Thank you. You know, love it. You got a minute? Yeah. I have a book out. It's called I Exaggerate. And it's a book of all my character.

drawings. And when I was touring it around, you know, promoting it, I asked a few of the people in there if I could use their picture just, you know, as courtesy. Jim Carrey was fine with it. Steve Martin was fine with it. And I sent it to his agent. His agent hated it. And then he sent it to him.

The agent said, we sent it to him and his wife. They both hated it. He said, under those circumstances, can you use this to promote your book? But what did you know is in every book. It's in all the books. you know but a lot of people are asking where they can buy my art thank you for asking

and I've never really sold it anywhere until recently I started a store online called Kevin Neelanart.com so now in a when did you start painting? I started painting well you know I started doodling when I was a kid I used to live in Germany

so I remember going to a commissary back then on the military base and some soldier had left a sketch on the napkin of himself with like the hat on like a sad sack and with a big nose and I would just draw that over and over again and then I started fiddling around cartoons

and then my parents had great caricatures made of them some Parisian artist they wouldn't like the Disneyland caricatures you know it was like really really detailed and pastels and I had them hanging in my wall in my room growing up so when I laid down in bed I was just subconsciously looking at them

and studying them and that's kind of that was my big lesson right there and then I just started sketching you know I'd see people who's never like this detail. It's just quick, quick stuff. Like on SNL during the table read, if I wasn't in a sketch, I would just sketch like whoever's across me Farley or, you know, Phil Hartman, whoever. And that's what I did. And then I started taking, I didn't take lessons, but I started looking at people's artwork on Instagram. And this is actually their work. I just cut it out and

that's so smart. Easy to that way. Work smart, not hard. Yeah, that's so, that's so, that's so smart. Those people are nothing. You're Kevin Neeland. They should be grateful you're using it. I'm so jealous. You have settled into the cross-legged position. That's right. You started up high. You're coming down low. Uh-huh. I'm settling in. By the end of the night, your feet will be on the ground. Potentially. Potentially. You know, they call this criss-cross applesauce these days. Well, you know what they used to call it. Yeah. Native American style. That's right. I will tell you this. I was just on tour with Adam Sandler,

and we did a 40-city tour, and every venue was like Madison Square Garden. And it was like the most incredible experience. They go out in front of that many people, similar to now. And I only did like 10 minutes, because there was a couple of us opening for him, like Spade and me and Nick Swartzon. But it was one of these tours where you thought,

this is how the big ones do it private jet at night you know you fly to next city you land you go to a basketball court you play basketball because he likes basketball and then you go to the venue for sound check and then the show happens two hours two and a half hours and then every night at 1130 they find some steakhouse and it's like a king's meal all this food on the table and now it's one o'clock you go back to the hotel and i don't eat that late night you know but it's all about camaraderie so you show up and then you go oh man i'll have some fried onion rings you know then before you know it you're like you're eating the ice cream and it's one o'clock in the morning and the same thing every day picking up the bags bag pickup at 10 at the jet at 11 next city i don't think i could eat dinner

that late night after night i don't think my system could take it hey you you Yeah, right here, right here. So Paul McCartney, you were talking to Paul McCartney, your brother, Paul McCartney, you were talking about the SNL 50th anniversary party. Yeah. And it seems like he may have sort of mistreated you in some way. Well, he didn't mistreat me.

I knew Paul from being SNL over the years. He would have come in there a lot and do stuff. And so I kind of got to know him. and I forget when it was exactly, but over the years we got to know each other, and we were both animal activists, right? Pro. Pro-animal.

No? No, no, no, no. So anyway, yeah, so I knew him, and we kind of had some fun conversations and exchanges, and, you know, and so I saw him at the 43 reunion, and I was looking down, and he was about to go on with Paul Simon, I'm with my wife, and I'm looking down, I feel a tap.

look up it's him. He goes, oh, how's it going? I said, hey, hey. And so I didn't see him again for 10 years until the 50th one. And then we're in the after party. And it's at the Plaza Hotel. And he's just standing around and Conan's talking to him, Conan O'Brien. And I figure that was the Conan you meant. Not Conan Schwartzman. It was Conan O'Brien. Not Conan the barbarian either. Right. Sometimes he gets confused for that guy. So I go, I interrupt Conan and, uh, I kind of, I didn't interrupt, but I wedged my way in there. And I said, hey, Paul, how's it going? Good.

And then Conan's backed away, like a gentleman would, right? And so I have Paul all to myself. And I don't think Paul was happy with that. I felt like he maybe didn't even remember who I was. And I was just, you know, a small talk he must get all the time from everybody, you know. And I was just like right up there. I said, hey, that was a great choice of songs tonight, Paul, golden slumbers. He goes, you know, it's what.

loan wanted me to do. And I said, yeah, well, but you had other songs to fall back on just in case, right? And he goes, you know, and oh, let me introduce you to my niece, my nephew. And so he brings me over to this group of like tall, nerdy looking guys, black curly hair. And it just brings me over there. And I start listening. He doesn't introduce me. And then he slowly walks away. He just walks away. That was he, that's how he got rid of me. And I thought that's brilliant, and that is brilliant. It wasn't like, hey, I'm going to get a drink, I'll be right back. No.

He goes, let me introduce you. Let me do you a favor and show you my family. Were they actually his nephews? No. No. They were like execs, you know, from NBC or something. I don't know. But I really felt guilty about that to this day.

But while I was there, I was looking at him. And I grew up with the Beatles. So I was looking at his lips thinking, that's where all those songs came out of those lips. You know what I mean? Right. Like, you know, hey Jude and it's golden slumbers and just all. And I was looking at his lips as you was talking.

I thought, there it is right there. And the tongue was pushing it out. You know what I mean? I just got really kind of, I'm sure that brought a great energy to the conversation. Has you just stared at his mouth? Well, he was looking at my lips too. Oh, so it's interesting.

Yeah. Yeah. Oh, that's where, uh, that's where, uh, that's what, That's where his driver's license, his son's driver's license jokes came from. Yeah. When you think about the Paul McCartney's, you know, when he was first seeing those songs, like all those cells have been since replaced. You know, it's sort of a Theseus' ship situation.

Because it is the same sense, lips, but really they've, it's new material. Those lips are long gone. The lips did have fillers in them. Right, right. And then there's also filler. Then there's also filler. Now. Do you like the filler look?

Oh, no. No, no. Not a fan? No, I think it's something where it's like, well, here's what I think the test. I think it's, I think people should do whatever the fuck they want. Yeah. My personal taste on the whole thing is I want to look like, no matter, I want to, I want to stay looking young. I'm not averse to do it at anything.

This hair, I got in Beverly Hills. And I did, I did. Most of this is not from genetics. Most of it is from kind of a medical building. Yeah. By the mall. Good for you. Yeah.

Several times. I will not, yeah, I'm at the stage where at some point. How old are you? I am 43. And at some point, one of these... The hair doctor's going to grab my hand and he's going to say, we've reached the end.

There's nothing... There's no more than we can do for you. That will happen. It's time to just be with your loved ones. You know, that's coming. That happens with everything. They say that. You know, enough, it's done.

It's no more. Now, in your special, you talk about struggling a bit with apologies. My special is called... Thanks for asking me. It's called... Loose in the crotch. Loose in the crotch.

Yeah. Loose in the crotch. How did you come up with that name? Well, I'll tell you. It's kind of based on a joke I did. You know, I had a cat named Pierre. And I'm not a cat person. I don't like cats at all.

I wish them well and success. You know, but I'm not... But this cat, man, he was the best. He was just so friendly, Pierre. And I had a pair of jeans at the time. Love him. They were like, sometimes you get these jeans that fits you perfectly. You know, they're snug in the hip.

tighten the butt, loosen the crotch, most of the time. And that cat's where the special name came from. Yeah, that cat loved my jeans. Whenever I got sat down, he would jump on my lap and he would not get off. So when he died, I thought it might be nice to wrap him up on those jeans. Wrap him up and bury him with the jeans. And that's what I did. But that cat, I mean, this cat, I wish I could show him to you.

And he's been gone for like 10 years now. And I do miss him. But not as much as those jeans. Yeah, I was going to say, what a, what a, what a, a mottling and sentimental waste of jeans. I mean, I so regret it. The cat is dead. You're alive. That's stupid. You should have kept the jeans. Like, oh, you're

like lowering into ground feeling so kind of what, proud of yourself for this symbolic act of losing the jeans because the cat liked him. The cat doesn't like it anymore. Cat's dead. Thank you for reminding. But I will tell you something, love it. You know, I like cookies. You know that. Yeah. And my wife told me a couple weeks ago, she goes, you know,

jeans are looking a little tight on you. I said, yeah, because you got the heat on the dryer up too high. She goes, no, I think you got the stack of cookies up too high in your plate. So I said, well, you know, I've been wearing the same size jeans for 30 years. And so I like to prove a point. So I dug up my cat pierre. And I unraveled them from those jeans.

Cat hair flying everywhere. I chew. A chew. And I tried those jeans on. And guess what? A little tight. About loosen the crotch. Still.

But you know what? Those jeans are back in my closet. Oh, great. They're back in circulation. I'm happy for you. It seems it all worked out. It did. And that cat lost so much weight. I got to tell you. Good for him. But a healthy amount of weight.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's not big. So, yeah, the special is coming out January 27th on YouTube, 800-pound gorilla. Hey, it's time for a segment. We're calling for Gettysburg Address. Okay. And here's how it works. The audience is going to throw up a dilemma. And you're going to help us think through an apology because you're working on your apologies. Oh, yeah, yeah. I'm not a good apology.

Are you a good apologist? I have a lot of practice. Oh, you get in trouble a lot? I just, I'm good at apologies, I think. Now you're moving away from the seat. You started at the top. By the end, there'll be just... Chris Cross.

I will barely be on it. I could just be loose. You're going to be lying on the floor. Sometimes. Sometimes. Sometimes you've got to stay limber. You know who Dick Van Dyke is? Yeah.

You never know. I'm older now. But I was at a party with it. him last year. Not a lot of people, but he's laying on the couch like this. It's pretty limber. It was on these kind of couches where he couldn't, he slid down. He would slide down like every, you know, like every five minutes, he'd have to go like that, you know? And then at the end of the night, he's having a little trouble getting up. So I help him up. I lost my balance. I almost fell on top of him. And I would have been the one who killed him. You imagine being the one to take

out Dick Van Dyck because of a century on this planet. Seems like he's going to live another 50 years and you just, oh yeah, Kevin Nealon took him out. That cluts. Can you picture all of his bones cracking as they fell on him? Those brittle, brittle bones? For sure, for sure, for sure.

And you know what? He'd probably be a gentleman about the whole thing, you know? Don't worry about it at all, you know? I'm sure he would have been. Yeah, but a great guy, though, great guy. So what are we going to apologize? Here's how I used to start my apologies about.

This is the worst. I was the worst at apologizing. Here's how I would start them. Now you listen. me. Are we on the same page? All right. You know what's a good way to start an apology?

Relax. That's a lot of good way. Relax. A word that has never achieved the goal of its command. Yeah. Relax. Am I understood?

First of all, zip it. Zip it. You don't hear a lot of zip it anymore. People aren't zipping it like they... It's all Velcro now. Yeah. No, it is. When you think about it.

There's a lot of things people don't say anymore. You know, and I don't know what they are, but I'm sure there are. I have to apologize because we've blown through the time for this segment of apologies, but that's fine. This has been so entertaining. That's how you apologize? That was a sort of a light, loose one. Here's the worst apology.

As a guy, this is not how to apologize. I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings. Oh, yeah. You can't put that if in there. That doesn't do anything. Yeah. Doesn't do that. That crosses it all off.

I'm sorry, you feel that way. I'm sorry if you feel that way. Yeah. I'm sorry if you feel that way. You shouldn't feel that way, but you are... I'm sorry I gave you that impression. Yeah. I'm sorry you came away thinking that that's what I meant.

I'm sorry, I hurt you so badly, but you deserve it. Yeah. You got to even, look, it is often, you know, just sort of politically, you know that if you're issuing an apology, if you say the main bit of the apology, you know that even if what you're, you want to do next is put all the caveats and excuses around it, you can't say but. No, no, no, no, no, no, but you can't say it. You get in trouble. I'm sorry, but, right. I'm sorry,

and it's your fault. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, that's true. That is true. Much more goes over smoother. Yeah, yeah, you're right about that. My friend had a great way to end an argument. He would say, you say your piece, let them say their piece, and then you come back to you, and but at the end of your a little bit, you go, but you might be right. That's good. That way they say, okay, you heard me? I'm in the running. I'm in the running. I might be right.

Wow. She should be thinking, I am right, but she might be right. Try it. Try it. Try when you get home. I'm sorry we took up so much time. No, I'm enjoying talking to you. Really? Yeah. Did I not, is that? I have a strange energy. I've really enjoyed talking

to you. Do you think I didn't? No, I'm sorry if that's how you felt. Well, it is how I felt. So there's no if-ins or or butts about it. It's not that I'm not happy. You know what I mean? Hey, you know what? You said your piece.

I said my piece. You might be right. I love it. And with that, we'll be right back. Take a break. Back after these. Take two back in five. Kevin Ealing, everybody.

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client reviews. BetterHelp makes it easy to get matched online with a qualified therapist. Sign up and get 10% off at betterhelp.com slash love it. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P.com slash love it. Okay, wait, hold on a second. So what's our current plan? What are we going to do with the information? So here's where we're at just to catch everybody up. You were watching Salt Lake City.

You thought, I have a way to figure out who's been sending me anonymous, mean-spirited text. Was it public post or private? No, they were emails. Wow, proton emails. You know, like to take down the deep state and you. And so you're getting these protots. What is the tenor of the proton email? What's the energy?

Bullying. Jealous of your friendships. and may be in love with one. But that's so demented. So, and their emails are just mean-spirited personal emails. And it was clear that... No, and knows you. Wait, they've gone to other people.

Yeah. Oh. It's taken over our whole town. It's crazy. It's taken over your town. Just this hate-filled anonymous emailer who's going to hear all this on Saturday. Fascinating. Fascinating.

And we're back. Please welcome to the stage. A man who answers all of the cosmos. questions with damn that's crazy it's hilarious Frankie Cignones thank you for being here Frankie Frankie's a great name to say it's a great name

thank you Kevin yeah it's cooler than Kevin yeah I know Kevin's gone man no more Kevin John is so boring and you know yeah yeah wait so Frankie

you started this character creeper and he now is an expanded universe in a talk show on YouTube. And I do want to hear the origins of creeper, but I do want people to see it and hear it before we talk about it. So let me, I want to show a clip. Yeah, homie, so it's 2026, homie. And in the new year, you got to set goals.

So me, it's important, homie, you know what I'm saying? Like, with intention, eh? You know what I mean? Like things that you've been putting up, things may be a little bit like, oh, that's difficult, but I know it's better for my life. You know, it's important to set those goals, homie, so you can get it cracking.

You know what I'm saying? So think about that. What are your plans for 2026? Hey, Rudy, what's up, Garner? What are your plans? Hold me for 2026. Oh! Oh!

To binge watch the wire. I think gives people a sense of it. So... So... So... How did you make a kind of... I don't know, like kind of a gentle, loving,

Latino Pee-Wee Herman's Playhouse How did it come to be? Yeah, well, you know, I mean, Creeper, you know, was an inspiration from my dad and family. And then over time, he kind of, you know, his universe started expanding, his audience grew. And then I kind of just got to this point where I was like, I want to do something

that just me and the homies could do in my own little space. And, you know, we made a, in my studio, we built like a replica of my grandpa's garage. And we're like, you know, so it's Creepers Created live from my grandpa's garage. And then it's just like, you know, and then the pantou flore already, was a character in my world because he really did,

they start ripping after a while, the slipper is, pantufa slipper. And then so, you know, we started just making a voice to it pretty organically, just around the house and we're like, oh,

this guy's a new character. And then Rudy, came to life. But yeah, yeah, you know, Peewee's Playhouse is a big, uh,

big, uh, inspiration. Yeah, you really commit. Like, you commit because you, the slipper goes on journeys,

including to an IKEA, I believe. Yeah, yeah. You went to IKEA to look for a desk, yeah. Yeah. Now, what is this character? Like, there was a question as to whether or not you would do your special as the character or not, right?

Right, right, right. And you decided, and you, Ali Wong directed it. And there was a just, she wanted you to do it as you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Ali, she gave me some good advice. She was like, look, you know, a lot of these people know you as these online characters or as an actor. She's like, but I know you as a great stand-up. And I think it's important that you show that side of you.

And so, yeah, I took her advice. And then we built out the hour. And, yeah, recorded it and taped day. That's cool. A lot of people tell me, what I was going to say? Was that a good idea? No, a lot of people say, oh, you do this show and people get to really see the real you. It's probably a good idea for you to hide that in a character if you're going to do a special.

Right, right. What else could you make this so that's less about who you are as a person? That's sort of the feedback I get. So this is just a different dynamic we get. Yeah, yeah. I mean, that's why I started doing characters that escape my childhood trauma. Like, hey, I'll become someone else. So, yeah, I totally understand that.

What do you do to escape your childhood trauma, Kevin Eland? I move. I just move. You got to keep moving. Yeah, I keep moving. But, Frankie, what's the name of your special? Is it loose in what? Oh, damn, that's crazy.

You're so loose in the crotch. Oh, that's right. I like it. I like it. I like it. And now you both worked on a film together, right? Yeah. Plant Man and Blondie, a dress-up gang film. I was not included in it.

That's fine. How did that happen? Yeah, well, I'm in a group called The Dress-Up Gang, a good friend of ours. Kirk Fox does a lot of stuff with us. Kirk Fox is a really good friend of Kevin. Obviously, I'm a stand-up. Kevin's a stand-up. He's like, you know, a legend in my eyes. And then so he came on. Yeah. So he was a, he did us a favor by stepping on this indie project for us. And thankfully it came out great. His character's great. I kind of nervously approached him. I said, like, thank you, Kevin. Thanks for doing this. And he's like, okay, whatever.

Well, he and then he introduced you to his nephews, my understanding of what happened. I call it a solid. I did him a solid. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. But yeah, we got into South by. It's going to premiere there. That's awesome.

We're excited. We got into South by South Sundance. South by Sundance. South by Sundance. Now, in your special, Damn That's Crazy, which is out now on Hulu, you talk about alcohol, cocaine and sex toy addiction during the pandemic. Now, hypothetically, if someone would say still dealing with those challenges post-pandemic, what would you recommend I do.

Yeah, man. I mean, you got to start looking from within, but also it's okay. If you're still enjoying those toys and stuff and, you know, I, you know, do your thing. Cocaine's a tough in the house drug. It was rough, bro. It got weird for your boy. Yeah, yeah. I was just trying to kill the COVID with cocaine and I turned into a little lab rat

with a fake butt. Just, okay, my own relationship was like, like, yeah, just. Interesting. Honestly, I'll tell you the truth. The fake butt. I get it. The thing I don't, the cocaine in the home, because for me, weed made much more sense during the pandemic. That's a couch drug, you know? And you can really use weed throughout the whole pandemic because you're just on the couch. But cocaine's in out of the house thing. Cocaine's in the world thing. You're supposed to have been bouncing up the fucking walls.

Oh, yeah. Well, yeah, I was just, I'm a shelter in place. You don't go anywhere. You're a good person. I'm sober now, though, thankfully. Yeah. Should I treat this more seriously, I think? No, man. No, let's go. Do you have any vice? Me being alive, yeah, that's pretty serious. But, yeah, so other than that, yeah.

Frankie, you got any vices now aside from what you had? What's your guilty pleasure? Thankfully, not as bad as that. You know what I mean? Yeah. It's crazy when people, yeah, a little bit. But it is funny when people are like, oh, what's your vice? People go, oh, ice cream.

I'm right now, I'm like, damn, dude. Like, I was doing cocaine off a fake butt. Like, in a relationship with it. we're going to get through this. So, yeah. It's like you're Wilson. Do you ever miss the fake butt? Did the fake butt have a voice

that you now no longer hear? Yeah, for sure. It was, I barely threw it out maybe like a few months ago and it was a little ceremonial because we had been through so much. But it had like a bunch of lint on it and stuff and I was like, it's time to go, you know?

And, you know, just it was better to let that chapter of my life go. But yeah. And then my understanding is that you put it out on the kind of raft and then you had the archers fire the one, lit arrow and then poof

you know that's exactly my wife has a really fun thing in the bathroom at least I think it's fun it's a it's a round embroidery thing and it's embroidered please refrain from doing coke in the bathroom

you know like it's grandma's a little embroidery thing Frankie what do you think about that yeah yeah I like it I like the wholesome you want to buy one you want to buy it

sure yeah You can do coke off of it. Yeah. No, no, no, no, no. Huh. What about heroin? Any heroin? You ever do black tar?

I smoked it before. Yeah, yeah. I smoked it. You just smoked it? Yeah. And I've ate it like, it's been cut with ecstasy pills that I ate. Oh, it was cut with something. Yeah, yeah.

But you shouldn't. You can smoke it. But you shouldn't. But the point is that you shouldn't. Right, Kevin Ewan? Not good. It depends on what you're able to do. How about meth?

You ever do meth? Yeah. You did meth, too? Tried meth. Thankfully, I didn't get, like, hooked on that, but yeah. What happened you tried? I never, like, used needles, thank God, but, yeah. What about lip fillers?

He said he didn't use needles. I'm not that crazy. That's a needle drug, the lip fillers, and it does get you. That is, you're right. The filler gets a hold of people. And, like, you know, people get addicted to meth and they just look different after a year or two. People get addicted to the filler.

They come back, you're like, what happened to you? It's like, I got addicted to fillers. And now you're almost sleeping on the chair. I just went back a little. Well, you said her and I think it's stuck in my hat. I have a lot of ants, so one of mine has got addicted to Botox, you know?

Like where it's like, it's weird, bro, eating with her and stuff. And when she laughed, she's like, you're so funny. You're so funny, miho. I'm like, ah, I love you. You ever get Botox? No, no, no.

Why not? I don't know. I don't like Botox. I'm an actor. So you want your face to move. Yeah, that's your instrument. Yeah. In fact, I was teaching an acting class.

It's called, for Botox. It's called how to, for Botox. How to say, what was it called? How do you get your eyes to say what your face won't? That was the name of the class. Great class. Yeah.

The windows of the soul. Yeah. Sometimes. Yeah. I've had acupuncture before. Uh-huh. That's needles. I thought it was Botox, but it turned out to be acupuncture.

But that stuff doesn't want. work. You ever get acupuncture? Do you guys ever? I got the one where it was just only like, you know, five or six total of needles. It wasn't much. On purpose? Yeah, yeah. I really need a double-blind study. I really need something published in like the New England Journal of Medicine.

And then I really need to see that. The acupuncture's in there? I'm in. I'm in. That sounds like such a cozy journal, doesn't it? The New England Journal of Medicine. It sounds legit. It's like there should be foliage on the front of the, you know. A little covered bridge. A little gate.

Like, hey. How about those little cups they put on your back? Yeah, I was going to bring that up. The suction cups sucks out of toxins. Yeah. Anytime someone says this takes out the toxins, you should just hear, I just said bullshit. Anytime anyone says, oh, this gets rid of toxins,

whatever that was, I don't care what they, that is simply made up. Yeah, I've never seen a toxin. What are you talking about? What are you talking about? Have you ever seen a gluten or a toxin? I have never seen that. Never seen a gluten.

Yeah, never seen a gluten. Never seen a gluten. But I'll tell you what I have seen. A transition to our next segment. Nice. That was dope, man. Sweet, that was dope. That was professional.

It was very dope. Very dopeish. It's time to crack open the egg of truth and suck out some existential yolks. What? All right. Here's how it works. We're going to open up the egg of truth and we're going to answer the questions. Okay.

Okay, here we go. That's one of those suction cups. Frankie, first question is for you. White women, net good or bad for the world? White women? Yeah. Oh, we need them. Oh, cool.

Dude, they're... That's a relief. They're on the front lines for us. Stand down, ladies. Thank you, guys. All right, let's do another one. We got to say, thank you, white women. Yeah.

Okay. Same question, please. Yeah, yeah. Let's see what this one says. Oh, okay. What does the 10-second rule start, Kevin, when the food falls or when you notice the food has fallen? It starts as soon as I come across that food on the ground.

Yeah. And it's not quite 10 seconds. It could be however long it takes. Yeah. Huh. But that is a, that is. an interesting kind of a concept, isn't it?

The 10 second rule? Mm-hmm. I mean, if it's one on the floor for one second, that's all that matters. You know? So it might as well be a half-a-minute rule. Frankie? Man, you got me doing a lot of calculations right now.

I'm like, yeah. Like, okay, it hits the ground. I think five-second rules, it's like little things can crawl in it. Maybe that's what that is. Can I tell you something? And I'm nervous for what I'm about to say, which is,

I eat off the ground. Full stop. It's good for your... Clean floor. If it's dry. If it's dry and I'm indoors and it doesn't seem like there's a problem. What if it's wet on tile?

Wet? No. No wet. If it's wet, it's over. Any wet, the food was wet. If the floor is wet, if both are wet, it's out. Nothing can be wet.

Because that picks everything up. If it's wet, it's a no. But if I drop an almond... What if it's raining? Then it's like kind of already getting clean. That's wet to me. Okay. But if I drop food...

on the ground and I see it fall, I pick it up. And because I know it makes other people a little bit uncomfortable, and I feel like if I don't acknowledge it, other people might feel strange. What happens is, and I believe, I'm telling you the truth, this happened yesterday at the office. I was in a conversation. I was prepping for an interview. And I was talking to the producer, we're going back and forth.

And I was having some almonds. And I dropped an almond on the floor. And I had reached out and picked it up and I said, I'm going to eat this. And it's fine. And I just ate the almond because I want to acknowledge it. And maybe that's stupid. Now that I say, the way you're looking at me, I feel bad. No, no, I think, I was just going to ask you, you know, Frankie, I wanted to ask you this question.

When this is a thing, I never knew it before, but when you have a little something on a stain on your shirt and you go like that, you know, and then if you go back with the same finger, I was with somebody that goes, oh, no, no, no, you can't do the same finger. You know, you got to do a different finger. You clean it with that one already. You don't come back and lick what you just cleaned up. Frankie, does that make sense? Yeah, yeah, it does to me. Next question, do you think you could start a religion if you tried hard enough? Either one can take it.

Well, Frankie and I actually started a religion. Yeah, it's crazy that you're bringing this up. We were the two cult figures in it. That's cool. We had gowns. Frankie, tell them about our gowns that we had. Oh, man. Well, we grew up together watching you, so it was like, we had these gowns.

They were a love at gowns. Yeah, yeah, we had these gowns. It was mostly at your mom and dad. Yeah. And they were embroidered. On the back, they said, please refrain from sleeping with either one of us in the bathroom.

Yeah. Frankie? Hey, Kevin, Kevin, I have a question. It's so, it was, I actually, so when you said, I grew up watching you, do people say that to you? Yeah. They do.

And so, is that a little preemptive thing you now do sometimes? Yeah. Yeah. It's funny. No, it is interesting. When a 60-year-old comes up to me and says, I grew up watching you.

No. Or here's another one. I love it. Someone will come. some attractive woman will come over to me. I'll go, oh, here we go. And she'll go, you remind me of my father. My parents love you.

Remember that, Frankie? Yeah, yeah. How does that make you feel? I feel great. Somebody likes me. Are you comfortable getting older? Yes, because it's a very slow process. Right.

If it happened quickly, it would be uncomfortable. But you do it slowly, you get to have things fixed along the way. You know what I mean? I've had a lot fixed. Yeah. You too. Do you worry about getting older, Frankie? What it's like to become?

Not as much as I used to, yeah. You were used to worry about it more. I mean, I just kind of didn't. I was just, yeah, I don't know. We were doing all the cocaine. They're not worried about really anything. Everything was dumb. Everything was kind of crazy.

But yeah, I do think it takes a strong person. Or older, but, you know, so. You know, when I'm going to, Frankie, ma'am, when I, when I'm in a car and there's a driver and he looks really old, I'll say, when did you graduate in high school? And it'll be like five years before I did or after I did. And I go, oh, man, this guy's not taking care of himself. You know what I mean? Yeah, well, I do know what you mean. Well, I often do want to know how old people are and then just gauge how I'm doing against them.

I don't feel bad about getting older, but I want to know that I'm doing well. Like, I want to do it right. Like, I don't need to look younger than someone younger than me, but I do need to look younger than someone older or my own age. That is important. I mean, you're, like, I actually got pissed off when I heard how old you are. Again. Because, yeah.

How old are you? I'm 43. But I got. He's doing that. He's doing that Native American sitting, like, you're in there. We were in the back watching. You're like, I can't do that anymore. Again.

We have a yoga class here what's going on. This is, listen, all you have to do is say, all right, this hair, Beverly Hills. the current weight is because of Ozambic. Oh, really? You lost a lot of weight? Oh, you did Ozemp? Fuck yeah. Ozambic?

Yeah. And it was hard, too, because when I was trying to get it, it was like shortages and all the diabetics needed it. And so it was like, ugh. Oh, the diabetes. And so it's like, come on.

Like, get me in front of this fucking sugar losers. Okay, so you're doing all the things, yeah. Nice. Good for you for taking care of yourself. Yeah. Yeah. I love it. Nice.

Can I ask you just a serious question before we wrap this segment, which is there's such a kind of sweetness and gentleness to the show. And it is at a time with such love for your community. And it is at a time where a lot of people who are Latino, who are Mexican, feel like they're targeted for being Mexican. Like, do you feel that in making the show? Do you think about that in your stand-up? Like, do you feel that in your life? What right now does it feel like to be wanting to make something kind of loving and kind in a world that is less loving and kind? For sure, man.

I mean, my comedy always has like a layer of optimism or warmth, even though my topics get crazy, pretty vulnerable. But, you know, we need each other more than ever right now. And it's so, like, mind-blowing. I feel like I'm in a show, and there's so much pain and so much heartache. You can only donate so much and do this. So I'm just trying to do my little part of just, like, showing up for people to give them an escape from it,

but also show up for them and whatever else the way they need me. But connection is what we need more than anything, you know, just like right now. Because I think we went through a stage where we're just like so divided and so da-da-da. We're like, yo, homie, look at how crazy this is. But also, yeah, don't fuck with the kids, oh, me. What are you doing? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, on that note, we will be right back.

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hated by all the right people. Tucker Carlson and the unraveling of the conservative mind is releasing next week on January 27th, so you can read the book and watch Kevin Special, same day. That's right. That's correct. Loosen the crotch. Both on YouTube. Both on YouTube. The book is a book. It's not on YouTube.

But it's by one of our favorite political journalist, New York Times Magazine writer Jason Zengarly. Tommy just interviewed Jason on Tuesday's pod, and they had a great conversation that you should check out. This is your last week to pre-order the book to get the discount. So go to cricket.com slash books to get your copy. You can check out Jason's dates where he's going to be doing talks and book signings. You can help make sure it gets on the bestseller list. Great story, not just about Tucker Carlson, but about what that kind of media and its influence, what his rise represents in terms of what's happened to our politics.

And it's a great entertaining read. It's interesting, but I also think it's valuable. So check that out. Okay. It's now for our favorite segment. It's a new segment where I look back on this very show. and see if I regretting anything. In a segment we call,

second thoughts. First up, when Kevin, you brought up sketching iconic Saturday Night Live legends, including Phil Hartman, rather than follow up with any kind of question about it, I started talking about sitting criss-cross applesauce, and I think I really missed an opportunity.

Well, that was my fault, because I asked you about it. Yeah, but I'm the host. I could have taken us back to kind of something more interesting. In terms of I could have helped you tell some interesting story but instead I didn't.

Yeah, but I enjoy the way you sit, but you might be right. Oh, I also, one regret I also have is that given some of the empty silences that I enjoyed, you felt the need to grab hold of the show and basically start hosting it yourself at several points.

And I just want you to know, I regret that. You shouldn't regret that because that's my fault. Yeah. Yeah, it's nothing, no bearings on you at all. I just, I don't like long, empty spaces like that. You know what I mean? No.

Now, Frankie, this is a similar... It's always about Frankie, isn't it? Similar regret. I don't really regret that Kevin jumped in to ask you questions while we were talking. I regret that his questions were better than anything that I was going to ask. I think that he had great follow-ups. And I was like, God, I should ask a follow-up like that. But they didn't come to me in the moment.

And so I regret that. Yeah. I'm sorry that he gave you that impression. You know what I mean? I'm sorry that you feel that way. But no, I think you, you know, Kevin's Kevin, man. Well, what do therapists say about regrets? I wouldn't know.

I'm too busy to go. Ask me if I've had any regrets. Hey, Kevin, have you had any regrets? I've had a few. But not enough. to mention. Frankie. High five.

Oh, another regret is I think I probably shouldn't have talked so much about how seriously I am about eating off the ground. It was a lot of wet. Well, yeah. That was kind of gross. I would say that was gross visuals. Yeah, I think it's gross probably. It's like, hey, you get it. Not very healthy.

But is it bad? I don't know. Well, you didn't get sick. You never got sick from it, right? I mean, I've gotten sick. Oh, from that? From that almond? How do you know?

No one ever knows. People always say, oh, I got sick from this. They don't fucking know. Nobody ever knows. Because no one ever says, whenever anybody gets sick, it was the Taco Bell. It was like, was it? Was it?

I mean, that's obvious. Of course, you point the finger at Taco Bell, but you never say, oh, I got sick. I had Taco Bell and my mother's famous lasagna. I think it was my mom that did it. Like, you never say that. Taco Bell's the easy scapego. That's what people say when they fart, too.

Okay, I had an egg salad sandwich sandwich this. They want to go through the whole man. you what they have. That's what's causing me to fart. It's like, no, you just had a fart, homie. Frank, do you have any regrets about tonight? Where do you start?

Yeah. Where do I start? Yeah, yeah. No, not really. I just, it's kind of crazy to see your ankles out because in my community when you show somebody your ankles, especially dudes, you know, we get sock checked. Tell me about this.

Yeah, so, like, I don't really know you like that. Like, wow, you're showing me your ankles right away. Are you? Are you a Victorian? Like, is this a sexual come on? My boat might be are on the ground. Oh, like you go like sock check, homie. And what is the somebody's got?

That's when you get sock check and you got to show your socks, you know? But what is showing me? What is the problem with the ankle? It's just, it's like real like, whoa. It's a thing in our culture. That we, um, it's really goes against all of our. So it's interesting because I really struggle. I get, I feel stuck between two worlds of socks.

between the no-show millennial style. And the more... What's interesting, too, is... Because when you're a kid, you're like, oh, that's a dad outfit. You know, like, what Kevin's wearing. And so, like... Right.

You know, like, that's a dad outfit. I regret that. But what's interesting... But the thing is, but in your mind, the dad outfit is frozen. But of course, it's not frozen. What I'm wearing now becomes the dad outfit. And one of the things that's part of the dad outfit

is the no-show socks. The kids wear... the longer socks. But I physically, I put them on, I feel ridiculous. Okay. I feel ridiculous when I'm not wearing my no-show socks. I can barely wear the socks that go up the leg to the gymnasium. Wow.

Okay. So you like filling that breeze on your ankles. I like that breeze. We call that the noceums. Yeah. Those, uh, on the east coast. They're in the noceums there. Yeah.

The itchy down there? You get itchy? No. You get itch? I just sort of go. I sort of go. I was sort of just gesturing at the ankle. You ever get Botox?

It's a good size ankle. I've never, I've never had Botox down there. It's a filler. Yeah, ankles are looking old. Cancles. You want cancels? We'll give you some ankle fillers. Frankie?

Yeah, yeah, let's do it. I just like saying Frankie. It's a great, it's a great name. It's a great name. It's a great name. There's great energy. Frankie. It's a great energy.

I enjoyed this show. Yeah. I don't have any regrets. Hey, I thought all your questions were great. This is a lot of fun. I love this. You're a good host. Everybody had a great time.

Kevin, his stand-up special Luce in the Crotch, is on the YouTube channel for 800-pound gorilla. And also, you were a producer of Catch Me in the Good Light, the documentary. Come see me in the Good Light. With just guys, the two that Tignataro produced and is really great. It's a beautiful documentary.

My wife and our executive producers with some other people. It's called Come See Me the Good Light. It's on Apple TV right now, and it's been nominated for a documentary Oscar. That's so exciting because... Because TIG has been on this show and we talked about it. It's been so amazing

to watch the journey of this movie. It's a beautiful movie. So congrats about that. You guys should see it, Apple TV. Come see me in good life. And Kevin Yelanart.com,

so that's cool. I want to get that Christopher Wankett. Is that still up there? Is that gone? No, it's there? Hell yeah. Be too, too, bitches.

Under no circumstances, can you get it? Do you think he really didn't like it? Genuinely didn't like it? Is that real? Hated it. Interesting.

Interesting. But you put it but you still put it in the book. Well, it's already in the book. I'm not going to rip every page out of every book. Don't ask for permission. Beg for forgiveness. No, exactly, man.

Exactly. I think that's cool. And Frankie's Dana special. Dan, that's crazy. He's on Hulu right now and on YouTube at Frankie Caniones for Creepers crib, which is so funny. Everybody should check it out. Tor dates at Frankie Canionez.com. That is our show.

Thank you, everybody. Thank you so much to Kevin Elyleyn and Frank Quignonez. We'll see you next week right here at Dynasty Typewriter. There are 283 days until the midterms. Have a great night and have a great weekend. If you're already scrolling endlessly, which we know you are, don't forget to follow us at Crooked Media on Instagram, TikTok, and all the other ones for original content, community events, and more.

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John Lovett and Lee Eisenberg. Kendra James is our executive producer. Bill McGrath is our producer, and Kennedy Hill is our associate producer. Hallie Kie Kiefer is our head writer. Sarah Lazarus Jocelyn Koff and Peter Miller, Alan Pierre and Suba Argoal are our writers. Jordan Cantor is our editor, Kyle Segglin,

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