Lovett or Leave It - Guild Back Better

Episode Date: May 6, 2023

The king of Lovett Or Leave It welcomes his queens to Los Angeles’s beautiful Dynasty Typewriter theater ahead of this coronation weekend. Representative Katie Porter plays monarch in a minivan with “Queen For a Day,” and joins Drag Race’s Alaska and Willam for a royally funny round of Taboo. A TV writer (Demi Adejuyigbe) takes power back to the sunburned, dehydrated people during the WGA strike. Saturday Night Live legend Julia Sweeney looks back at non-binary boss Pat, and Lovett gathers his subjects ‘round for a majestic Rant Wheel. For a closed-captioned version of this episode, click here. For a transcript of this episode, please email [e-mail] and include the name of the podcast.

Hello, Los Angeles. Welcome to Love It or Leave It Live, or else I'm a very happy May the 4th to our virgin listeners. We've got a great show for you tonight. Representative Katie Porter is here. And she will be playing Taboo with drag superstars Willem and Alaska. SNL legend Julia Sweeney is here

because we had an icons-only booking policy for this episode. And a TV writer is here to talk about the strike and what it's like to be outside of his house. Plus Demi Adeduebe joins for the rant wheel. But first, let's get into it. What a week. According to the New York Times, a text message sent by Tucker Carlson the day after the January 6th insurrection alarmed Fox News higher-ups and led to his firing. The text, sent to a producer, referred to a producer,

referred to a video of Trump supporters jumping a presumed Antifa protester who Carlson admonished by saying, it's not how white men fight. Yet suddenly, I found myself rooting for the mob against the man, hoping they'd hit him harder, kill him. Couple of points. First, we actually have footage of the moment Fox News told Tucker that this text was too awful to go unpunished. The number of stories that incredulously reported

that Fox News discovered these texts and suddenly found that they were beyond the pale. Have they not seen the show? Maybe not. Anyway, it's not how white men fight. Sure, wear their uniforms. Tucker's message went on, and this is real. I really want them to hurt the kid. I could taste it. Then somewhere deep in my brain, an alarm went off. This isn't good for me. I'm becoming something I don't want to be. The Antifa creep is a human being. Much as I despise what he says and does, much as I am sure I'd hate him personally if I

knew him, I shouldn't gloat over his suffering. This was not a message to his therapist or his wife or his closest friend, the guy who parks his car at the club. This is a message to his producer. What is their response? So we're covering the insurrection in the eight block then, boss? Brian, we don't text like this. We text like this.

Whenever I have a kind of bloodlust that's racial, I always text Producer Brian. Meanwhile, CNN announced that Donald Trump will lead a town hall in New Hampshire next week. I disagree with him replacing Don Lemon, but I respect it. Trump will also reportedly skip the first two presidential primary debates, telling allies that he doesn't want to bring more of an audience to his low-polling rivals.

Trump has been placed in a political bind here. Does he skip the debates to make sure that Ron DeSantis tanks from lacking attention, or does he attend the debates to make sure Ron DeSantis tanks from receiving attention? On Wednesday, Trump's lawyer Joe Takapina, a.k.a. Joey Tapioca, said that he would present no witnesses for the defense in E. Jean Carroll's lawsuit accusing the former president of sexual assault and defamation. Come on, let me up there.

I told you I'm available, screamed Alan Dershowitz as Don Jr. and Eric forcibly held him back. And then Alan bit deep into Eric's palm. Immediately, his veins turned black, the madness speeding up his arm towards his brain. We've all had our qualms about Trump's sons, but even I don't think Eric deserves what's coming next. We also learned this week that Vanity Fair obtained audio of an incident in March

in which Trump became so frustrated with an NBC News reporter that he grabbed the reporter's two phones and threw them aside. Why did the reporter involved sit on this story for over a month? Were both phones to call his mommy to come pick him up because he's scared? Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen warned this week that the federal government could default on its debt by June 1st if Congress doesn't act.

House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries revealed that Democrats have a secret plan in the works that they hope will force a decision whether Republican leaders like it or not. It involves Hakeem Jeffries switching places with his identical twin that he met at summer camp, and it's so crazy, it just might work.

The actual plan, which calls for the use of what's called a discharge petition, would force a clean debt limit vote if a majority of lawmakers sign the petition regardless of what the Republican leaders want. That's right. The Democrats' secret plan? It's democracy. Some of these are just thinkers. They're just facts about our situation

that you'll be left to think about. On Monday, the Supreme Court said it would take on a case in order to revisit the Chevron Doctrine, a ruling that conservatives despise for requiring deference to the authority of federal agencies when the law is ambiguous. The specific case hinges on whether herring fishermen have to pay for the cost of federal monitors

that they are required to have on board to prevent overfishing. That's right. It's time to ask nine Harvard and Yale law graduates how fishing should work. That joke's obviously unfair. The craziest one went to Notre Dame. You hate to see herring fishing politicized like this. The decision of who pays the herring boat federal monitor

should be between a woman and her doctor. I love that one. I love that one. I love that one. According to the latest installment of ProPublica's Sugar Daddy files, billionaire GOP megadonor Harlan Crow picked up the tab for Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas' grandnephew's boarding school tuition. I just want to put this out there.

You'll never be able to bribe me by paying for a child's education. Yachts, lavish gifts, that's it. Play the hits. Over at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, President Biden confirmed that his great tabby cat, Willow, can roam the White House freely and does whatever she wants,

even sleeping on the president's head at night. It's adorable, but if you think that's depraved, just wait until you see the contents of Willow's laptop. In less adorable news, the Biden administration announced that they will be lifting most of the remaining vaccine mandates this coming week, including the vaccine requirements for federal employees. The press release said of the 80-year-old president's re-election bid,

this time, he's working without a net. You've got gotta raise the stakes. It's the sequel. Florida lawmakers passed an anti-trans bathroom bill this week. Trans people who refuse to leave a bathroom aligning with their gender identity would be subject to arrest, which seems particularly cruel given that the state is already

America's toilet. Here's the thing. We're gonna need Bob Iger to step his goofy up and open Disney World gender-neutral bathrooms all over Florida. And Starbucks, you owe all of us who tried that olive oil coffee, which it turns out is just a witch's brew

designed to convert even the heartiest of GI tracts into a fucking diarrhea machine. You could eat a blacksmith's anvil. But if you chase it with that oil slick latte, you'll wish your toilet had a fucking seatbelt. You want to redeem yourself, Starbies? Now is your moment. I need you all to

know something. There is no joke in the history of this show that was workshopped harder and longer than blacksmith's anvil dot dot dot, fasten your toilet seatbelt. Anyway, and honestly do we see now that it was worth it do we see that it was worth the time Let's move on we've got a lot to get through but we got to get it right

What we do is important Anyway, if you're a trans person in Florida who needs to use the bathroom, stick to the safest option and take a shit on Ron DeSantis' lawn.

Now, after this legislative session that banned abortion to tax trans people and restricted the rights of immigrants, the Florida Democrats concluded by doing

the Cupid Shuffle in the House alongside Republican members. So make that four human rights violations. Meanwhile, the Texas Senate approved a bill that would give the Secretary of State power to overturn elections in counties with a population over 2.7 million, which just so happens to apply in one and only one place, diverse and democratic Harris County, the third largest county in the country. It's a little on the nose, like when Barry's Boot Camp posted signs prohibiting squirmy little guys whose hairline suddenly improved from eating in class. It didn't say my name, but the character looked a lot like me,

and it hurt my feelings. It's nice that they noticed the hair, though. Over on the East Coast, New York became the first state in the country to ban natural gas stoves and other fossil fuels in most new buildings. Some are upset at the decision, but officials are reminding them that there are plenty of other perfectly good ways to give kids asthma. In protest of a new law that requires users in Utah to provide ID to prove they are of age, Pornhub blocked the state from accessing the site,

instead playing a message by a porn actor explaining their decision. The video is pretty well-reasoned, but I still don't understand how the stepmom managed to get stuck in the dryer. Soon after... I don't know your world. What's a stepmom doing here? Get out of here. Soon after porno blocked access in Utah,

Google searches for VPN, reportedly searched in the state. For those who are less tech savvy, VPN stands for view pornography now. Meanwhile, Minnesota State Senator Calvin Barr is in a bit of trouble this week after he voted during a legislative session without a shirt on from bed. Senator Anderson. Yes. Senator Barr. Yes. Yes. Senator Barr.

Yes. Hey, man. This isn't a June 2020 board game night. There are rules. You're at work. Also, I think it's really gross. It shouldn't matter, but he's in front of the How a Bill Becomes a Law cartoon. And it's like, I don't want to see a naked man in repose

in front of that fucking sweet bill that wants nothing more than just to become a law in this crazy world. That's not how a bill is supposed to become a law. I'm not supposed to see any nip. A McDonald's in Louisiana is under investigation after two 10-year-olds were found working at the restaurant law. I'm not supposed to see any nip. A McDonald's in Louisiana is under investigation after two 10-year-olds were found working at the restaurant

sometimes until 2 a.m. Yeah, the worst part? They weren't even given smoke breaks. Said a representative, you complain that the ice cream machines never work and then we find employees with the perfect little arms to get between all the gears and levers and we're the assholes?

Unbelievable. That's why those machines are always broken. Liberals. A federal judge ruled that a school in Pennsylvania could not legally prevent the meeting of the After School Satan Club, citing that attempts to do so violate the First Amendment. But don't be put off by the name.

The After School Satan Club also meets on weekends. No one's really talking about the real dangers of this ruling. A school's most insufferable teenagers are about to think that they are way cooler than they actually are. Back in the day, we just called it the Gay-Straight Alliance. Meanwhile, thousands of TV and film writers in the WGA went on strike this week after contract negotiations with studios collapsed.

And in solidarity with the WGA, we, the writers of Love It or Leave It, have not finished this joke. Good luck out there, Worse Ellen. Fuck. That's what we call you behind your back. This stinks. stinks. Late night shows all immediately went into hiatus because of the strike with only the non-union Fox News show

Gutfeld preceding as scheduled. That's true. Thank God the funniest show on television said an 85 year old man releasing the safety on a shotgun after a Girl Scout rang his doorbell for the second time. What? Jeffrey Hinton, often called the godfather of AI,

has left his job at Google to issue a public warning about the dangers of the technology. The idea that this stuff could actually get smarter than people. A few people believe that, he said, but most people thought it was way off, and I thought it was way off. I thought it was 30 to 50 years or even longer away. Obviously, I no longer think that, but it's like they always say, the best time to ruin society is 30 years ago. The second best time is right now. In related news, a student at

Stanford has reportedly invented a smart monocle that uses chat GPT to help him figure out what to say on dates. So what are you majoring in? Your face is symmetrical and your skin is smooth. This tells me your parents were not related genetically and your mother's womb provided the right pH levels for healthy and sustainable growth. On Tuesday, U.S. Surgeon General Vivek Murthy laid out a plan called the National Strategy to Advance Social Connection, which seeks to address the epidemic of loneliness and isolation affecting the country.

He paused before saying two words, sex monocle. Murthy continued, to learn more about this plan, please be my girlfriend. This year's Met Gala took place on Monday, which offered a tribute to the late Karl Lagerfeld, a designer and controversial figure who was known for making fatphobic, misogynistic, and racist statements on a number of occasions, which is the only reason I didn't attend.

Academy Award winner Nicolas Cage said in an interview that he has memories of being inside his mother's womb, which is something you can only say when you're Nicolas Cage, having had your last normal experience before the release of Raising Arizona, and ever since, people have been nodding and smiling at you

while you say some of the dumbest shit a person can say out loud. And you would all do the same. If you were suddenly in a party, and inexplicably, you were in a little conversation circle with Nicole Kidman, and Nicole Kidman started telling you that she was Joan of Arc in a party, and inexplicably, you were in a little conversation circle with Nicole Kidman, and Nicole Kidman started telling you that she was Joan of Arc

in a past life, every person in here would nod and say, wow, that's interesting. Admit it. Nicolas Cage isn't the problem. You're the problem. He's not getting any fucking feedback. Why are these celebrities

all crazy? Because of you. Nobody says it. Aerosmith has announced a farewell tour starting in the fall, saying in a statement, it's not goodbye, it's peace out. The tour will feature Joe Perry on guitar and Steven Tyler on Medicare. A truck carrying about a million bees

crashed on a Florida highway this week, releasing bees all over the place, which is crazy. I always assume they ship the Scrabble tiles all together. We actually have a reporter who is live on the scene of the crash. Oh, no, not the bees! Not the bees! Ah! I don't love my eyes! My eyes! Is this what you wanted? Does this make you laugh? screamed Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg, crouched in the middle of the road next to a spike strip,

his face smeared with Joker makeup. When asked how the driver could possibly let this happen, one local girl tearfully explained, Put his glasses on. Put on his glasses. You can't see without his glasses. He was put to be an acrobat. Can't see without his glasses?

I'll cry right now. I'll cry right fucking now. A photographer captured a remarkable shot of a 30-foot iceberg that looks like an erect penis, but the iceberg swears it would be almost 60 feet if the water weren't so cold. And finally, a woman allegedly had a screaming orgasm during a performance of Tchaikovsky's Fifth at the Los Angeles Philharmonic, and much like the LA Philharmonic itself, her boyfriend had to go downtown to get there.

harmonic itself, her boyfriend had to go downtown to get there. What a story. Some people, though, are just incredibly moved by a magical, amazing performance. Alright. Stop it. Stop. That went as well as to be expected. You see, somebody had an orgasm during Love It or Leave It. Can you believe it? One of you had an orgasm during Love It or Leave It. Can you believe it? One of you had an orgasm. When we come back, don't worry, Katie Porter's still here.

And we're back. Please welcome to the stage author, congresswoman, unpaid whiteboard spokesperson, and possibly your next senator. Please welcome Representative Katie Porter. Hi, hi, good to see you. We're going to shake hands. Hi. So formal. Thanks for being here. Yeah, absolutely. I'm excited. So you have a book. It's called I Swear, colon, Politics is Messier Than My Minivan.

Let's talk about whose car is messier. Now, you're a single parent, and I'm disgusting. I have 17 cup holders in my minivan. That's how many cup holders come in a Toyota Sienna? 17. So that's a lot of sloshing. Sloshing. What's our drive-thru habit?

What are we talking about? How many wrappers are in the footwell? What are we looking at here? I would say not a ton of wrappers, but a lot of glitter, sand, library books, abandoned toys. There were a lot of Happy Meal toys there at One Generation. Some of them are still there for my kids.

So I would say not so much wrappers, but just it's pretty random. Now let me ask you this, and this is going to be the hardest question I ask. Are you going to be honest and admit that they get the fries or are you going to claim that you do the apple slices? They get the fries. With all due respect, I'm not Cory Booker. By the way, you should have Cory on to talk about the farm bill because it's amazing.

We've talked about it. But I am definitely not the vegan in this race. Just say that. Wow. A shot across the bow. Made of meat. I mean, I'm from Iowa.

What do you want from me? By Iowa standards, I'm slim. Oh, wait. I have a drag word for this. Snatched? I'm snatched. By Iowa standards. By Iowa standards. By Iowa standards.

You were backstage with Alaska and Lola. This is a medium by Iowa standards. All right. Now I have a serious question. I'm genuinely worried that we're going to default on the national debt and that Republicans are going to plunge the world into a needless financial crisis whose effect will be felt most deeply by the most vulnerable people in our society for absolutely no reason whatsoever.

Can we avoid that? 50-50? 50-50, I would say. So I think it's, let me back up and make sure, because probably like zero people followed that, what it actually is about. So let me back up and kind of lay out what the Republicans are trying to do here. So the government does not have ACH automatic debit. So we pay the late fee, you know, and after we authorize spending money later

on, we have to go back and say, okay, it's okay to write the check for the thing that we already decided we were going to purchase, right? So we're going to have more school lunch access for kids who are hungry, kids who need it. And then later we have to go like actually write that check. And when we get up against the debt limit, we have to authorize us to continue writing checks past the limit. So what the Republicans have said is think about if you're in a relationship and for my purposes, I'll do like wife one, wife two. Okay.

So wife two says, you must stop buying so much flannel makeup no more makeup I thought you said there were I thought there were two wives

there are two wives okay sure makeup I'm making it up it's my hypothetical okay we'll do flannel you're right we'll do flannel you must stop

buying so much flannel you must cut your budget for... Subarus. Just doing hard stereotypes. You're not purchasing any more cats. Whatever. Okay.

So that's what wife two says. And wife one says, well, no. This is my gender expression. This is who I am. I need my flannel. I need my cats to put in the Subaru. No, no, no. I. I need my flannel. I need my cats to put in the Subaru. No, no,

no. I'm not cutting my future spending. Next year is going to be just as flannel rich as last year. We want to go see Brandi Carlile. No. Exactly. I'm a big fan, by the way. What wife two says is, oh, you're not going to cut the flannel budget? I'm going to quit paying the mortgage. I'm going to quit paying a past

debt if you won't cut your future spending. You with me? So what the Republicans are saying here is if you don't spend less on Social Security and health care and a bunch of stuff that, you know, who needs but everybody, then we will not pay the bills for the past debt that the government owes. So what happens in wife one and wife two situation when she says, if you don't cut your final budget in half, then I'm going to stop paying our mortgage is you end up homely and homeless. And that's what the federal government's doing. Like they're basically

threatening if you don't cut your future spending, we're going to take away something that we already have paid for. Right. And this is dumb. And I think the reason I say I think it might happen is Congress likes to do things at the last minute i don't know why this is why i'm not allowed to come do the rant thing at the end because my staff was like no absolutely not they were like you could definitely be i love it or leave it and you absolutely cannot do the rant thing um and this is why because congress does things at the very very last minute so it's we may avoid it but i think we're going to skate close and part of the reason that we're not negotiating is McCarthy doesn't, he's not in charge.

Right? He's like queen of the dipshits. Right? Yeah. He doesn't actually know. These people don't know what they want. They don't all want the same thing. Nobody's really in charge.

And so I think the reason Joe Biden is saying, like, I'm not negotiating with you is he doesn't really have anything to offer, right? Because he's not in charge of these people. Well, they've already passed a draconian bill that would sort of eviscerate the government. And the only reason it could get through is a bunch of people that want to do even more damage, compromise with Kevin McCarthy to just pass this thing that has no hopes of passing, even among Republicans in the Senate. So in that context, there's other sort of backdoor, kind of heisty ideas out there.

There's what's called the discharge position, which is a kind of procedural way for Democrats to force a vote. There's minting a trillion-dollar coin, which is weird because why not do 10 hundred billion dollar coins and have it be less funny? Because you know that stuff is actually made of real metal. Like the penny costs more to produce than a penny.

They'll start melting down pennies. They can melt them all down into one big huge coin. It's hard to make money on that arbitrage though. It's not a big difference. You've got to go through a lot of pennies. They do have other things they can do. And look, if I were Janet Yellen, the Secretary of the Treasury, and I knew who these players were, I would definitely say that we were going to hit the debt limit. On June 1st.

On June 1st. Knowing. It's like when you're going out with your friend and they're always late. And you're like, the reservation is like at 10. And you know it's at 10.30. But that person's always late. And so you cap. And so I think that's...

So Janet Yellen is saying June 1st, but Janet Whisperin saying maybe August or July. Or maybe it's even June 15th. I don't know how far she's going, but I... But she's giving herself a little wiggle room. Now, what do you think about the 14th Amendment and the fact that it basically says that the government has to pay its debts?

That hasn't been used before, but we're getting close to the edge here. What are you going to do with that? You're going to take your pocket constitution out and read aloud from it on the House floor? One of the problems with a lot of these constitutional provisions is there's no way to actually... There's not an enforcement mechanism, right?

So it's not like you get electroshocked as Congress when you don't follow the Constitution. Like, we trample all over it all the time. It's a real shame that that's not how it works. I could totally see my colleagues lining up to give these robust speeches about the 14th Amendment, and then I can imagine, like, nobody caring. Well, can't Biden just be like,

the 14th Amendment applies, I have to pay these, even though the Congress hasn't authorized it? I don't know, maybe. I hope we don't get to that. I think that pay these even though the Congress hasn't authorized it. I don't know. Maybe. I hope we don't get to that. I think that Joe Biden's strength is not winging it. So I think one of his strengths is that he's steady. He doesn't take the bait.

And I think he's really smart here to just be like, I'm not negotiating with terrorists. I'm just going to wait and wait it out and wait until you figure out a plan. So Senator Dianne Feinstein put out a statement today facing a lot of pressure, obviously, for her absence from the Senate and the Judiciary Committee. Once again, reiterating her plan to return and addressing a little bit some of the issues around her absence from some of these votes for judges. What do you make of this situation? Do you believe California is well represented in the Senate right now? What would you like to see happen? So I would say that I declared

in January to run to be California's next senator. I would not have done that if I thought California was well represented, right? So I clearly think it's time for a change. And so, you know, I obviously that's the whole spirit of my campaign is change and change to be like me. So that's change into this, change into this. So that's the nature of the campaign. I will say that, you know, I don't have any secret information like, you know, you know, the pulse oximeter is not I'm not reading it on my little phone app. I don't know how she is. I hope she's recovering. I think the bigger issue for me is this is not the first time this has happened. We have had people in like the last 50, 60, 70 years who have missed like four years

of their Senate term. So this is going to keep happening. The larger issue here is, is the Senate going to actually write some rules that work? Are they going to actually fix their own shit? The filibuster doesn't work. Now we find out that the rules on replacing people on committees don't work. They need policies that deal with the reality that people are sometimes not going to show up. They're not going to be able to show up.

They need to have a system for replacing that. I think we all ought to be pushing more on that. I think there's just sort of like the number of people who did not think about Senator Feinstein at all for like a decade and now think about her every waking moment is shocking to me. Right? Like now everybody's sort of constantly, what about our senator? And it's like, well, you know, what about her? And where were they when there was an election when Senator Dianne Feinstein was going to be 89?

That's how age works. It was predictable. Right, right. No, I mean, if you elect someone who's 84, 85, then four years later, they will be either 89 or dead. That's how age works, right? You elect me at 50, four years later, I'm going to be 54. That's like how it goes.

And so, but I do think- But We're not electing you in 10 years. No, I'm fully into my 49 self. Like I would not, you could not drag me back to the fresh hell that was 39. Really? Let me tell you a little secret. I think there's a point where aging starts to suck. I'm not there yet.

Like I'm loving it. I'm not there yet. Nice. Like, I'm loving it. I'm loving it. Because you just, as you get older, you have less fucks to give. And it's really, really great. So, like, each decade, you just chuck a few fucks. And then by the time you're, as far as I can tell, by the time you hit 50, like, it's the best. Well, I would say Dianne Feinstein's barrel of fucks is empty.

Empty. Well, maybe, John. That's why she doesn't care that people want her to. Yeah, I agree. People are calling for her to resign, and her barrel's empty, so she doesn't care that people want her yeah I agree people are calling for her to resign and her barrel's empty so she doesn't care I think she's gonna do

what she's gonna do yeah alright well we would be remiss if we didn't have Congressman Porter tell us what she would do if she were

queen for a day nice there's a McDonald's and in and out a Taco Bell and a Del Taco at an incredible corner where are you stopping

this is like every corner in Irvine. I just want to emphasize, I don't know if you've been to Irvine, but literally, I think I live on this corner. In my actual neighborhood. What were my choices again? In-N-Out? McDonald's, In-N-Out, Taco Bell, Del Taco. Del Taco for the fries. Wow, that is truly unhinged.

The fries are good. The fries are good. They are, aren't they? They're crinkle cut. They're shockingly good. They're crinkle cut. They are crinkle cut. They fries are good. The fries are good. They are. Aren't they? They're crinkle cut. They're crinkle cut. They are crinkle cut. They are crinkle cut. Del Taco does have crinkle cut fries.

Be able to get fries at a taco place like it's totally fucked up. But those fries are tasty. And here's the other thing. When I ran for Congress, everything in Irvine closes at 730. And so when I ran for Congress, the first time I would have all these events, like tonight, when I go home, the only thing open is the Del Taco. Do I have to sell my Tesla? For a minivan?

All right. I mean, I'm not a Tesla person. I am not the Tesla candidate in this race. Wow. Should people who come to a stop... I'll throw that down. Wow, look what's happening. Look at this.

Look at this. Another missile of meat fired. Should people who come to a stop sign first but then wave you through like they're being nice even though they just introduced chaos go to jail? No, no. I'm not on the incarceration thing. But I do think that when you drive,

one of the benefits of driving a minivan is you don't have to watch those people because your car is just, you have 17 cup holders like you will go through the intersection and they will be stopping whether it's voluntarily or because they hit you like you will be proceeding and they will be stopping but i do i will say my license plate is ovr site it spells out oversight and you one of the things i did not think through when i got this was besides being very identifiable is that people actually expect you to be a really careful driver because you've like announced I follow the rules so like I must come to a complete stop I must use turn signals like all of that and you do I do I do and

you do I do I don't know I don't know do. I think you might move fast down those streets. I think you gotta... Oh, I whip it once I get going. I didn't say... I mean... We talked about your driving when we were writing this question, and we thought there's just a blur,

a blur of van going by. I mean, there's a little Fast and Furious that goes on. Like, I got three kids, and it's just me, so two of them were just recently not picked up, so when you've got that kind of situation, I mean, it could go from lightly supervised to unsupervised quickly. And that's why the van's got to have a big engine. Would you describe yourself as a single mom who works too hard, loves her kids and never stops with gentle hands in the heart of a fighter? Or is that Reba? I would say that gentle hands is just like, no, no, it's more like there's like there's a lot of sitting on my hands that has to go on to serve in Congress.

I see. Like the other day, Marjorie Taylor Greene yelled at me in the hallway. And I wanted to put my hands in a certain gesture. And I was just like. What did she yell at you about? She said, nice of you to show up for work. Yeah. Which is rich, given.

But, you know, I just kept walking. She's like America's worst neighbor. You know? She really does stand out from... I mean, there's like difficult, there's wrong, there's disturbed, and then like 12

standard deviations over, there's like marjorie. You know what I mean? It's a very different... I have all of these folks on my committees because I serve on oversight and that's where they pack the people, so to speak. So I have all of them

and she's a very different category. Are you rooting for the Lakers or Warriors to win this series? And something to consider, I do not watch basketball and I found out today that they were playing in a game or perhaps several.

I thought that already happened. Did that already happen? It's happening. It's been happening, right? Yeah. So the series has been happening. Okay. I'm here with y'all, so.

All right. Are you ready now? Yeah. For, I think, the ultimate challenge of this appearance? This has been a real, this is a real,

like a triathlon, you know? We had the conversation part. That presents its own challenges. Then we did Queen for a day. And now we reach the final portion. Okay. Okay. When we come back,

Katie Porter will go head-to-head against Drag Race's own Willam in Alaska, boots the House of Representatives down. Hey, don't go anywhere. There's more of Love It or Leave It coming up. And we're back. Please welcome to the stage Drag Race icons,

and depending on how this goes, Katie Porter's two running mates, Alaska and Willem. Wow. Please. Wow. It's nice to see you both. Thank you.

Thank you. For those listening at home to this podcast, Willem is in a full helmet and looking amazing. It makes me look soft. Alaska, what do you think about Dianne Feinstein? You know, there's... How much time do we have?

There's so many thoughts that I have. I just don't even know where to start. So in conclusion... She's ready to run. Well, what would you do about the debt ceiling? Well, first of all, I would tear down that ceiling and put a skylight where it should be.

Yeah. You know what? That's what should have happened. We had a chance to put a fucking skylight in the debt ceiling in December, and it just didn't happen. I know. I texted them.

You texted them, and they didn't do it. Crazy. They don't listen to drag queens. Fucking contractors, you know? All right. So we saw it since we have a potential future senator plus Katie Porter and Willem. What better time... What better time to test our knowledge of each other's field of interest with a little game we're calling Taboots the House Down.

As the title suggests, the game is basically taboo, but gay. And of course, taboo is the third gayest party game, right after celebrity, and when you hear the grinder sign go off in someone's pocket, but you can't tell whose phone it was. Congresswoman Porter, you will be given a list of drag terms along with other prohibited words

you cannot say. You must describe each word or phrase while Alaska and Willem guess what the word or phrase might be. Alaska and Willem, you will be given

a list of political concepts and people along with a list of prohibited words for those, and you must describe them to Katie Porter. I will serve as moderator and will be making sure

you do not say the taboo terms. All right? Okay. All right? Alaska, why don't you kick us off? Is there a time limit?

When it feels too long, we'll stop. Okay. Okay, so, let's say I have, like, an American Express card and I bought a lot of things and I'm like, okay, but I want to buy an American Express card. And I bought a lot of things.

And I'm like, okay, but I want to buy more things. But there's someone telling me I'm not allowed to buy more things. And it's not the floor. Debt ceiling? You got it. Hell yeah. Okay, this game is not nearly as tricky as I thought it was going to be. Debt ceiling You got it Hell yeah Okay

This game is not Nearly as tricky As I thought it was going to be It's entertainment We're not trying to make Rachel make everybody look good It's just for fun Don't worry

It's not What you want to be more competitive Wow I'm winning Okay let's see I'm in a competitive race So I'm competitive Alright let's see

Alright You ready for me Okay When someone Given the age of many of our elected representatives when they

go to dine and given the tremor situation you are worried they are going to shake, queef. Let me rethink. they are going to... Shake? Queef. They... Let me rethink. I may have been too literal.

Are they shaking like stinky legs? Or like they need a drink? No, they're... You're worried that because they're shaking, they might make a stain. They might make a stain. They might make a mess. Napkin.

You were so fucking cocky. You were so cocky. And now look at you. You're floundering. Let me go back to the original origin of the term. Let me try it again. I'm going to tell you the truth about Lauren Boebert's IQ. I'm going to

spill the tea. Yes. Oh. That was too little. All right, Willem, you want to do the next one? Can I do it through interpretive dance?

You can do it however you want, sure. Maybe the next one. They all lend themselves to that. So I've never played taboo, so I think I'm doing this right, but can I say

it's short for another word, but backwards? Is that allowed? You could, but it wouldn't apply to what you're supposed to be doing. What word do you think you're doing? Let me just say it definitely applies, and what was short for definitely?

Short for definitely? For sure? No, the first three letters are definitely. Like Mos Def. Oh, I see what you're doing. And then flip that bitch around. Fed? Federal Reserve? Wow. The Fed.

Wow. See, you learn to see stuff backwards when you're doing doggy style so frequently. Willem, you have broken the rules. Alright. Is that allowed? You know what? For just that one, it was, it turns out. Okay.

Girl, why are you trying to taboo-boo me? We're on the same team. The sweetest taboo-boo. Alright, Congressman Porter, and you are a member of Congress. You're up. When I whip out my whiteboard, I am looking...

Fierce. Yes! Fierce. You got it. That was great. Look at that. To be fair, someone in the audience said it. Someone in the audience said it.

I was going to say cunt, but then I was like... It's too obvious. All right, Alaska, you're up. So like, okay. Oh my God. Oh Jesus. I think I know who this is.

Fuck. So there's this guy. RuPaul. RuPaul. You're not supposed to be guessing. These are the governmental. Wait, say it again. So there's this guy.

Yeah. And he's bad, right? Kevin McCarthy. There was this thing a long time ago when he was going to get his job. He was up to get this kind of a big, important job. And a whole bunch of people were like, don't give this person this job.

This is not a good person to have this job. Clarence Thomas. Yes. Wow. Wow. Look at that. All right. Katie, why don't you do one more?

Impeach him. Yeah. You and what army, you know? When you... You can do this one if you want. Yeah, I'm trying to. Okay. I'm just...

Wow. Yep. It's just me and three divas up here. You're being a little... Like, okay. When... When... When...

Okay. When you pull off something spectacular... Stunt. And, like, you put the marker down. You're, like, done questioning. Mic drop. You're, like, close. Death drop.

Yes. Yes. Nice. And a death drop is something when a girl... close. Death drop. Yes! Yes, nice. And a death drop is something when a girl, it's in the Vogue term meaning a dip. It's like when a, I don't do them because my stuff is too nice to get on the floor. But when executed properly, it's breathtaking.

Breathtaking. Alright, Willem, you want to do the last one? Okie dokie. Remember that one asshole, He wanted to go on vacation, but he was on parole because he did something bad. Ted Cruz. Close. Different asshole. Imagine

that asshole, but more north, but not so far as the Mason-Dixon line. And something that happened in January, which was unpleasant. I think you said a word. What did I say? You said January. You can't say that? It's January 6th insurrection.

Well, I didn't say anything. You got more fucking rules than RuPaul. I hate it here. Well, you know what? I'm going to have to say the winner of this round of Taboo the House Down is Representative Katie Porter.

I'm sorry, Will. I'm sorry. You blew it on the last one. You blew it on the last one. Guys, everybody, one more time. Congressman Katie Porter. The book is I swear politics is messier than my minivan, which apparently is disgusting.

Thank you so much to Wilma and Alaska. Go listen to their podcast, Race Chaser. They'll be back for the rant wheel. When we come back, a writer emerges from his cave. And we're back. On Monday, the writers of your favorite television shows and movies, as well as the writers of Mafia Mama, went on strike. The reason?

A dispute with the major studios over rules to protect writers in a changing media landscape, from the rise of streamers to the use of AI. The Writers Guild claims that they are fighting to protect writing as a stable and sustainable profession, especially for young writers, as a handful of powerful corporations have consolidated control over the industry in recent years. The studios counter by saying, can you please just stop complaining, oh my god, fucking

writers. Sort of the gist. As a result, thousands of writers hit the pavement this week in front of Warner Brothers, Netflix, Sony, Disney, and the gaping white hot maw on the crust of the earth from which each new episode of Ted Lasso emerges. Joining us straight from the picket line to tell us about how the strike is going,

please welcome WJ writer Carl Mopp. Hey, Carl. Thank you for being here. Thank you. It's great to be indoors. So you've been on strike and picketing for a few days now. What's it like out there? How's morale?

It's been hell. It's been hell, John. We're out there on the sidewalk in front of Paramount and all day long people are just driving in their cars, okay? Just car after car after car and they're loud. They're so loud and the sun is, it's out. Like non-stop and it hurts my eyes. I can't

stop squinting. It's my nom, John. Going outside is your nom? I'm a TV writer, John. I belong indoors, like an elderly cat or an OLED monitor. I write TV indoors, and when I'm done for the day, I watch TV indoors. And sometimes when I need to clear my mind, I play

a video game with the window a little bit open, and if I'm feeling strong enough. But I am not built for this hardcore outdoorsy stuff. You mean standing on Melrose Avenue? That's correct. It is a wild situation.

The studios decide they'd rather grind this town to a halt than pay writers what amounts to a percent or two of the enormous profit that our work generates. Now all of a sudden I gotta go buy sunscreen and bear spray and a water filtration system. You definitely do not need bear spray to walk down Gower on a Tuesday. Maybe if you're on Commercial Street after the 4th of July. That's a Provincetown joke.

Okay. Carl, Carl, I gotta say, I hope you get more comfortable being outside because I've read the union's proposals and the studio's counter and it doesn't look like the sides are very close. Yeah, it's a pretty quick read. A lot of the studio responses are just pass. And that's not how negotiating works.

Like earlier today when a pack of teens tried to steal the kombucha keg I brought to the picket line, I had to be like, no, you can't take that. But counteroffer, you can each have one booch. Ultimately, they took the whole keg. But they brought it back because it was filled with probiotics and not alcohol. And even though they called me a typing F word,

I consider that a win. Yeah, good for you. You brought a keg to the sidewalk outside Paramount. Oh, I'm so tired, John. I'm so bruised and broken down, and my new walking sandals gave me a little blister. I don't know how to do this. I'm sorry I'm not man enough to drink my own piss.

Does anyone have any gel inserts? Hey, great news. You don't have to drink your own piss. You can see Cafe Gratitude from the picket line. I saw Matthew Weiner drink his own piss. The creator and showrunner of Mad Men? That's correct. All right.

Well, a lot of nerds going outside for the first time, and not everyone's going to nail it right out of the gate. But you guys are going to win. That's how writers strike end. I don't understand why the studios would even put people through this before making a good faith effort to reach an agreement. They really left us no choice but to slather ourselves in camouflage grease paint fish our one pair of shorts out the back of the closet and hit the streets john

they rejected the wga's proposals to prevent ai to being used to supplant actual writing to stop shrinking writers rooms and to protect screenwriters from doing unpaid work all of those loopholes would let studios use the excuse of a changing industry, which they changed, to hollow out screenwriting as a sustainable career and turn it into another gig economy. We'd be the Uber drivers of making hot people seem funny. We're not caving, John. I don't care how many

coyotes I have to fight, or even if I die out there. Again, there are no coyotes. There is a great little Italian place. Didn't address the dying out there part. I don't know, Carl. The more we talk, the more concerned I am that you have the constitution

of the smallest Victorian child in a family of 12. Then I'll die on my feet, John. Or at least sitting in my little folding camping chair, which fits into the snap sack my ex-wife bought my kids to give me for Father's Day. Oh, God, and my kids! Tell them I died a noble death, John, I beg of you. You know what, Carl?

I think this strike could be good for you. Broaden your horizons. I don't know. I saw the horizon for the first time on Tuesday. Scared the shit out of me. But it's all worth it. Hollywood is always changing, careening from a golden age to golden age, and every once in a while we have to stop, take stock, and figure out how the bigwigs

are trying to fuck us. Eight Hollywood CEOs made almost $ million dollars last year. A lot of young writers struggle to eke out a living. And I really don't need much, John. I just need a roof over my head, a Zyrtec in my hand, a lactate in the other hand. And I want that for you, Carl, but a lot of people may say, hey, don't Hollywood writers make a lot of money? This isn't Silkwood. Why should I care?

Very current reference. Thank you. Maybe this is the wrong time to say this, but I own a boat. Point is, like everyone else, technology and corporate consolidation have made careers less stable and profits more concentrated.

And that's squeezing the middle of our profession, like me, squeezing a stress ball when I have to get network notes on my pilot, Captain Five-Year-Old M.D. Now, legally, I'm not allowed to say it's part of the good doctor universe, but it is.

I don't know that you're helping your cause. Look, if writers in a powerful union whose work is high skill, difficult, and essential to this very profitable and culturally important industry can't negotiate a fair deal because the studios have gotten too big and the demand for growth has gotten too extreme, what hope does anyone have? Don't make me go back to my old

job, okay, of being the son of a wealthy studio executive. WGA writer Carl Mopp, everybody. I'm rooting for you, buddy. Thank you. I'll see you on the picket lines. I'm the one that looks like old, young Sheldon. Demi DiGioia, everybody. When we come

back, Julia Sweeney is here. Don't go anywhere. This is Love It or Leave It, and there's more on the way. And we're back. Please welcome to the stage a Saturday Night Live icon, the incredible Julia Sweeney. Hi, come on this way. Hi, thanks for being here.

How you doing? I'm good. Did you know what this show was? I did a little bit. That was very sweet of you. A lot of people just admit that they don't. No, I did a little bit. I listened to it a little bit.

Today? No, not today a little bit. I listened to it a little bit. Today? No, not today. Before today. Before today. That's right. So I was excited to have you on. And one of the reasons I was excited to have you on is we're in the middle of this cultural moment where a lot of people, a lot of people are fighting a shifting appreciation of gender,

but also a lot of people are, for shifting appreciation of gender but also a lot of people are for the first time exploring being non-binary and you played a famous i don't know that we would describe it at the time that way or even now but what seems to me a famous non-binary character pat yes everybody remember pat and i am almost 28 years old so I of course remember it but do the children know about Pat? No they do not Do you think that Pat was sort of a response to a lot of the kind of gender fluidity of the 80s? Like I was thinking about the sketches

where like Chandler's on Friends and he's like the joke up for Chandler was always people thinking he was gay or being just worried about gay panic all the time. Do you think it was in some ways a response to like some of the stuff? Yes, it was definitely that way. Yeah. Yeah.

Hilarious. No. Well, my original idea for it, I don't think really came across exactly the way I wanted it to. Because once you create a character, it sort of has a life of its own but my original idea was like watching Madonna and Katie Ling and Prince all kind of play with more gender bendy looks and things like that and I thought but the real non well I didn't even think non-binary I didn't think about that at all I just thought the real androgynous people are people who don't even realize they're androgynous. They're just like the harried mother somewhere or father. And they're not intentionally being androgynous, but you can't tell what they are. So I had been at like a pharmacy and the

pharmacist was filling my prescription. And for a long time I was thinking, I don't know if that's a man or a woman, but I know that it's not intentional. It wasn't like intentionally androgynous. So I thought that was funny. Like I always wanted to do, I just thought it's funny that somebody who doesn't realize that they aren't presenting themselves as either a man or woman. Like I always wanted to do a sketch where Pat was like homophobic

or like horrified by non-binary people, but you still didn't know if Pat was a man or a woman. So that would have been awesome. That really freaked out the squares. No, exactly. But then people took it in a different way. Anyway. but then people took it in a different way.

Anyway. So Abby McEnany, friend of the show, confronted you on her show, Work in Progress, about the impact Pat had on her life. Yes. Is Abby the most bizarre person you've ever met? Because for me, top five, for sure. Oh, no, that's not true at all.

I would not say that, but maybe top 15. Okay. That's a cool list. Have you met any younger and non-binary fans who now like love pat who who talk about pat um yeah i in fact just before i came here i actually look i think i might be being punked on some documentary there was a young person who loved pat was non-binary and she wanted to interview me and then she said do you know there's a club in Brooklyn that still has once a month you dress up as Pat and go to this club in Brooklyn I was like that can't possibly be true and she said yes and then I talked to her on camera and actually when she left after interviewing me my husband said do you know how many things you said that

taken out of context could ruin your life? And I thought, oh. And then I forgot all about it. And then on the way here, I was Googling Pat Rave thing in Brooklyn. I couldn't find anything. I think it doesn't really exist.

Or maybe that's what they want you to think. Yes, I don't know. It exists. Caroline says it exists. It does, but I couldn't find it. My friends have gone. Brian was just like, where is it? I'm like, no, my friends have gone to that. It's real.

It's real. The It's Pat wave is real. I say move on, people. This is old. That is the 90s. Okay. I think you need to go to that party I'm gonna go and just start yelling at people

No, here's what we do You get in the full Pat get up And you're just one of any Pat Walking in And then at some point People slowly start to realize Wait a second Or they never know

They never know They never know. They never know you were there. In fact, maybe this is something you're putting on because you go every Saturday. You've been going every Saturday. You get in full Pat regalia, and you go to this event, and now you're playing like you don't know about it. I like that idea.

Let's do it. Okay. Now, at the end of one of the final It's Pat sketches, the one where you smooch Harvey Keitel on a desert island, Adam Sandler stands up in the crowd and refuses to allow Pat to reveal their gender, saying it would ruin the fun. Do you think we can hire Adam Sandler

to follow non-binary people around and shout at people who misgender them? No, I don't think you can. You can't get him? No. No, that's too bad. Now, again, as a 24-year-old, I certainly remember all 14

appearances by Pat on Saturday Live. But do you? Were there 14? Apparently. Oh. If this card is correct. No, I don't remember them all. So now it is time for a game that we're calling. Oh no. It's Pat, the non-binary icon. Oh no. Oh no.

Or it's Pat or is it? I'm going to need you to dig back into the annals of late night history and answer true or false. Is this an actual way Pat's friends and coworkers try to gently inquire about their gender? Or is it one we made up? Oh, oh, dear. Julie, are you ready? This is not going to be good for me.

Okay. Did Pat's friends, coworkers, and a random stranger's try finding out if Pat had a purse or a wallet? Yes. True. However, do you remember what Pat had instead? No.

It was a fanny pack. Oh, a fanny pack, that's right. Now I do remember that. Did Pat's friend offer Pat a tampon only for Pat to reply, no, thank you, I don't smoke? No. No, we made that one up. No.

That's a good one, though. Asking if Pat would prefer to buy men's or women's razors only for Pat to shrug and pick whichever is cheaper. Oh, yes. I think that is one. Is it? It is. Okay, good.

And frugal. And frugal. And frugal. Pat's frugal. Well, it's interesting as you go through these because one thing that I was struck by in looking at all this Pat content is Pat is blissfully unaware of all these gender tropes that are being assigned to them.

I know. And there's something about Pat's happiness that seems important. Yeah, I agree. But it is interesting that the sketches perspective is one of everyone believing so certain there is an answer that there had at the time there has to be an answer and that was the that the idea of there being someone that who was non-binary just wasn't something that people thought of or at least people that weren't non-binary could have

thought of at the time yeah i mean we well, we, well, Christine Zander, who I wrote all the sketches with at SNL, we decided right away at the beginning, the joke was going to be how uncomfortable Pat made everyone around them because people were obsessed with coming up with the gender for somebody. That's where the comedy was. It wasn't on laughing at Pat. Yeah. It is interesting.

It is interesting. But then later people accused me of presenting a non-binary person in a negative way. Right, right. But really, I thought of Pat as, I think Pat is a happy-go-lucky person who is either a man or a woman. We just don't know which it is,

and who cares? That was the original idea. Yeah, it is. I see that first step. I take one further step, and it really is about an obsession with gender that clearly still exists because that is what we were dealing with right now,

people who are desperate for it to be a simple answer and looking to find it. Well, I started doing these, I would get hired to do appearances as Pat, and that ended up being a fun and lucrative thing at the time to do appearances as Pat. And that was, ended up being a fun and lucrative thing at the time to do. Hell yeah. But then there was this mall and I did some mall openings and it was always

fun. Like I did, I did crazy things. Okay. And then there were these mall openings in the Midwest who, well, the first one, I think it was in Ohio where they were like,

no, we can't have Pat be there. And that was the first time I realized that it was making people upset in real life that they couldn't tell if Pat was a man or woman. I had no idea. And then that, so it's a weird thing how we're like the, you might say, ultra woke, non-binary people who don't like Pat are in the same camp as the people, you know, at an Ohio mall who don't like Pat are in the same camp as the people

at an Ohio mall who don't want Pat. It's a very weird mixture of liking and not liking of Pat, I will say. Pat was offered Sports Illustrator Glamour. Oh. I don't remember that.

But Pat cleverly replied, what about people? Oh yeah, we did do that. Hell yeah, you got it. Wondering if Pat would use a men's or woman's bicycle only for Pat to fly by on a Segway. No, that didn't happen. Selling condoms to Pat. Was that in the movie?

I can't remember. It was. And Pat declared contraception is the responsibility of both partners. That's right. What can I say? I wrote't remember. It was. And Pat declared contraception is the responsibility of both partners. Oh, that's right. That's right. What can I say? I wrote that joke. Oh, God.

When you get old and forget things, you can enjoy things all over again. Do you remember the end of the joke? No. I'm a very sexual being. Yes, I'm a very sexual being. I like that. I know. And finally, driving Christopher Walken to the brink of madness

with the mystery of Pat's gender identity compelling him to leap from a window to his demise. Oh. Did that happen? Yes. Yeah, that's what happened. People really were driven really ahead of its time. People being driven absolutely bananas by the prospect of not knowing someone's gender. Yeah. I think that's gender. Yeah.

I think that's cool. It's great to have you here. Oh, thank you. I'm such a fan of yours. I was just thinking my favorite Pat joke is when Pat, I'm just going to, this is the one I do remember. I love it. It's when Pat comes up and says, I need to buy some feminine napkins. First of all, just the term feminine napkins.

Always funny. That made me laugh. And then the person at the drugstore goes, oh, and then Pat says, I always enjoy when my aunt comes over to have some beautiful flowered napkins. And then Pat goes,

oh, that made me laugh. That was fun. That was fun. The 90 fun. The 90s. The 90s. Julia Sweeney. Check out her sub stack and her one person show will be dropping there soon.

When we come back, it's time for the rant wheel. Okay. All right. I'm ready. Julia's going to stick around for us. Yes. And we're back.

A quick reminder, Love It or Leave It is kicking off the Errors Tour in San Francisco on June 22nd we're heading everywhere from Washington D.C. to Chattanooga, Tennessee

and Portland, Oregon this year expect game sketches perfect jokes jokes that were worth a shot and a great fucking time tickets are selling fast some are gone

go to cricket.com slash events to get your tickets right now. Also friends of the pod, cricket is venturing across the pond with our new podcast pod. Say the UK. It's awesome. It is out now.

It's hosted by comedian, Nish Kumar and journalist Coco con. It's everything you love about crooked, but with a British twist from strikes to scandals, they cover all the topics that matter. It's from crooked media and our friends at reduced listening. You won't want to miss it. It's awesome.

Check out the first episode now wherever you get your podcasts. All right. Now it's time for the rant wheel. You know how it works. We spin the wheel. We land on whatever topic it lands on. This week on the wheel, we have a bunch of topics, but I lost that card. So we'll spin it and see what happens.

Oh, it's a wheel there. Oh my gosh. It has landed on palm trees. This is my rant. They don't belong here. They're not from here. The street experience of them, there's no different than telephone poles. The fronds cause car accidents

on like a semi-regular basis. People are dying up there trying to trim these fucking things. Every storm they crash down cause car accidents, land on people, cause grievous injuries. They don't provide any fucking shade.

You ever get shade from a palm tree? Not once. Not one goddamn time. If you start to think of them not as beautiful symbols of paradise, but as weeds, which is what they are,

you'll see them very differently and how they crest above all the other native plants and provide no shade, create only danger. And the other thing is, a lot of them were planted, and we don't know that this is true because we couldn't find the article. It's true. And it feels true.

They were all planted at around the same time, which means they're all going to die at around the same time. And I'm going to win. Every time you see a palm tree, right, which is, it goes palm tree, telephone pole, palm tree, right, which is, it goes palm tree telephone pole, palm tree telephone pole, and a fucking cement as far as the eye can see, no shade anywhere.

Imagine a shade tree there. Is this the first time you've thought about this? They don't belong here. They're not good. Also, whose palm is it modeled after? And whose palm? It doesn't make any sense.

That's another really good point. And are hearts of palm from the middle of these fucking things? Should be called a sideshow bob tree. They should be called a sideshow bob tree. And if you Google palm tree deaths, all you find out is that trimming these things, it's 50-50 every goddamn time you go up. People are dying trimming these palm trees. And then it's not how you think. You think they're falling to the ground. It's not-50 every goddamn time you go up. People are dying trimming these palm trees,

and then it's not how you think. You think they're falling to the ground. It's not so simple. They're getting suffocated at the top of the tree. What? Yeah, that's fucking right. Because you pull one of those fronds down, a bunch fall on top of you,

nobody can hear you scream up there. Isn't that right, Julia Sweeney from SNL? At the top of a palm tree, no one can hear you scream. Thank you. Let's spin it again. It has landed on Grinder, which was suggested by Alaska. Yeah, that one's mine. Does anyone here use Grindr?

I can't see, so please make noise. Okay, great. No, it's just dumb. What is everyone doing on here? It's meant to be designed. Do you know what Grindr is? Yeah. It's like a... designed. Do you know what Grindr is? Yeah. It's like a, I just say I don't know.

It's an app that is supposed to be for like having, you know, sexual intercourse and you like meet people that are around you. But I don't think anyone wants to actually do it. I think that they want to write really long monologues in their description about their rules and regulations about how to properly use Grindr. If you don't have a picture in your profile, do not talk to me. Also, don't tap me. Don't you dare tap me. I will block you.

Why are there so many? Who's the woman who did Amlanders? why are there so many who's the woman who did Ann Landers with the etiquette regarding that it's a literal app to see who's like six feet away from you that like has a dick

can it just like be less about like the rules and restrictions about what like it's just really stupid I don't like it that's why I use sniffies. Thank you. I'm just imagining, like, Ann Landers or Dear Abby.

Dear Abby just getting, like, you know, oh, and that's why you should always put the tablecloth on that side of the table. It is. Our next letter comes from someone who's trying to fuck on a dating app called Grindr, but they're getting stuck up on all the rules. I hope you find happiness, Alaska.

I'm not looking for happiness. Yes. Let's spin it again it has landed on drag bands which I believe Willem suggested okay drag bands are kind of useful because some drag queens are ugly second of all some of the really pretty ones aren't that talented hello um also it's kind of stupid because it's a big like red herring and i know you see red but um

it's for like to distract people from the guns like we don't want to shoot your kids we don't want to redo them and we don't want to met our kids, we don't want to redo them, and we don't want them at our shows, okay? I will drink your babies. Mostly these four right here. And, um... Drag is good. Drag is good. Willem, can I pitch you on an idea that I had? Sure.

What if we got... Sold! What if we got a bunch of drag queens and trained them to use AR-15s and had an armed militia of drag queens to kind of protect drag shows to use the Second Amendment in a way that makes the side

that believes in the Second Amendment more uncomfortable? I know a drag queen named Militia. that believes in the Second Amendment more uncomfortable. I know a drag queen named Militia. She won Alaska's pageant last year. She's really talented. Militia Skunt.

Is she well-regulated? I don't know about her fiber intake. Let's spin it again. It has landed on self-promotion. Julia, take it away. Well, it only starts with self-promotion. Okay, this is my rant. Okay. And it's with the theme of the whole show today

and the Writers Guild strike and everything. It's about kind of putting more responsibilities on the average or people that they didn't expect to have. For example, it used to be there were publicists. You were an artist, you created art, then there was a publicist. But then all of a sudden you had to promote yourself. You had to go out there and every time you did something

you had to say, follow me on Twitter, follow me here or like my video. And it's really gross. And people, they can be artists, but maybe they're not good at doing that. And it's sort of like the Uber drivers and the Lyft drivers thinking they're making a lot of money because they're going out, but they've really now taken on the responsibility of owning the car and doing all the repairs on the car. Or like my daughter, who's a coder, a gaming coder, she has to work from home. So she has to get an apartment that has enough room for an office in it. She's taking on all of the office responsibilities. Or as an actress, now when you audition, you have to audition yourself. Instead of going to a casting director or going to an office, you have to audition yourself. Instead of going to a casting director or going to an office,

you have to film yourself. So now you have to know all these things. Or like in the old days, your husband would have a mistress to fuck. But now... Wives are expected to just have sex with their husbands. It's unbelievable. I'm sorry, I couldn't help doing that joke from the 90s.

There are people that are fantastic at what they do, but they aren't, they don't want to have to be their own publicist. They don't want to have to be their own self-promoter. There are writers that are great writers who aren't great at pitching. Why are you looking at me? I was looking at you. You're correct, but still.

I was looking at you as a writer who would understand having known so many writers who were terrible at pitching. Or just having to be a producer. Now you have to have all these other skills to be a writer. Yeah, I don't like it. We don't like it.

I agree. Yeah. Yeah, I don't like it. And we don't like it. I agree. We agree. We agree. Let's spin it again. It has landed on the algorithm. This one's me. I think it is humiliating that we are now at a point where we're taking all of these artistic industries and pitting them against the idea of

computers taking over them not just because i'm like oh a lot of these things need a human touch but my experience with instagram specifically is that the algorithm the same thing that they have catapulted into ai just because some ceo CEO saw a picture of himself on a boat and is like, oh, my kid made that in chat, GBT, or whatever the fuck. The algorithm is so fucking stupid. I feel like every five slides I see an ad on my Instagram, and I give Instagram so much info. I have posted photos of myself every day on that app for seven years,

and it's still going like, here's the perfect gift for any scuba diver i don't need fucking scuba divers what are you talking about i saw an ad the other day i started screenshotting them because i was like this is insane i'm gonna keep cataloging them i saw one that was just like this is the perfect device to keep flies away from your outside tables like for a restaurant i was like i don't know where you're thinking that this is from and then i realized it's because in my instagram profile i have myself labeled as a hot dog joint. And that's how stupid a fucking algorithm is that I made a joke saying I'm a hot dog joint. It's like, we got to get this guy stuff to sell us hot dogs.

It doesn't understand sarcasm. Our industries are dying because CEOs are putting our jobs in charge of things that don't understand sarcasm, things that don't understand who we are. I saw an ad the other day that was like, stop paying $30 a month for email. I never started. What are you fucking talking about?

Who is this for? It pisses me off every goddamn day, and then I have to go outside on the picket line to be like, don't make the fucking $30 a month for email bot. Take my job away. It's so dumb. And that's the perfect place to leave it.

When we come back, we'll end on a high note. And we're back. Because we all need it, here it is, this week's high note. Hey, my name is Kara, and I am responding to the High Note from Lindsay, who called earlier, who was on the show this week. And I just wanted to say, hey, Lindsay, from a blue dot in Alabama, welcome. We need you here. Bring your great idea.

Bring who you are. And this state will flourish with all those new ideas. Not as bad as you think it's going to be. And make sure you get to our beautiful beaches. Thank you. Bye. Hey, Lovett. I'm calling in from Los Angeles.

Back in January, I was listening to your show when I picked up my nine-year-old son from a class. Spotify just started playing it as soon as he got in the car, and the Neppo Vivi New Year event was on, and my son became instantly transfixed by Zach Noe Towers and his whole performance. I've since heard the whole routine at least a dozen times as my son insists on listening to it over and over when we get in the car. Do you remember COVID and making out at the Mario Paribas and get him every time? After impressing on him that he cannot repeat any of the words or jokes at school

or tell his mother, the bit has given me the opportunity to explain nepotism, meritocracy, the two-party political system, performance art, and who Lizzo, Maria Abramovich, and Mitch McConnell are. Thanks to you and Zach for a bit of a hilarious educational and a surprising opportunity for a little father-son bonding. Keep it up. Thanks. Bye. Hi, I love it. My name is Danny. I am a long listener and admirer of the show and you and all of the attendant other podcasts that exist in your universe. And I wanted to call with my high note that my dear friend, Nina Morrison, who was for a long time,

a bad-ass lawyer at the innocence project was selected, appointed, and now invested to be a federal judge in the Eastern district of New York. She is one of the most amazing, righteous, right-thinking people that is out there and will do amazing, incredible, righteous, right-thinking things

for this ambling on democracy. So we should all be glad that Nina Morrison has our backs and will no doubt do incredible things in the future. Thank you. Hey, Lovett. Here's my high note.

My wife and I moved from Chicago to Phoenix 25 years ago. I was at my last job in Chicago for 15 years, and I left a lot of good friends behind. I didn't want to lose contact with them. So I invented an annual trip called Meet Me in Vegas. Hey, you got to know your audience, and I figured Vegas would be just the right honey for that pod. Well, it worked better than I dreamed. We did it for 21 consecutive years, until the pandemic derailed us.

We haven't done it now for three years. But this year? We're back, baby! Hey, those were my friends. And thanks to science, we're all together in Vegas right now. So, viva science and... Viva Las Vegas! That's it. That's it. Viva Las Vegas.

Wonderful. And if you want to leave us a message about something that gave you hope, call us at 323-538-2377. That is our show. Thank you so much to Julia Sweeney, Demi Adjuibe, Alaska Willem, and Congressman Katie Porter. There are 549 days until the 2024 elections. Have a great night.

Thanks for coming out and have a great weekend. Love It or Leave It is a Crooked Media production. It is written and produced by me, John Lovett and Lee Eisenberg. Kendra James is our executive producer. Brian Semel is our producer. And Malcolm Whitfield is our associate producer. Thank you. by Sure Sure. Thanks to our designers, Jesse McLean and Caroline Haywood for creating and running all of our visuals, which you can't see because this is a podcast.

And to our digital producers, Zuri Irvin, Milo Kim, Mia Kelman, and Matt DeGroot for filming and editing video each week so you can. You can find those glorious videos at our YouTube page, youtube.com slash

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