Lovett or Leave It - Gun Control > Door Control

Episode Date: May 28, 2022

Lovett or Leave It returns to Dynasty Typewriter as we choose to be mad after a sad week. Comedian Nish Kumar busts up Partygate, while author and actor Ryan O’Connell calls ‘em like he sees ‘em. Tom Cruise (Kel Cripe) stops by in disguise, while the time traveler (Langston Kerman) from The Time Traveler’s Wife joins with a harrowing warning about the future: it’s going to be the same as now, unless we do something about it. And we cap the evening with a galvanizing roll of the Rant Wheel.Got to https://votesave.us/texas to learn how you can help. For a closed-captioned version of this episode, click here. For a transcript of this episode, please email [e-mail] and include the name of the podcast.

Hello, Los Angeles. It's good to see all of you. It's great to be back. Welcome to Love It or Leave It, live or else. Tonight's show is brought to you by Rick Caruso. You love the Grove. Turn off your brain and vote Rick Caruso. Don't do it.

Quick poll. Glendale Galleria versus the Grove. Galleria? Grove? Correct answer is Karen Bass. We've got a great show for you. We obviously can never know for sure, but we've heard that Tom Cruise has been sneaking into theaters,

so there's always a chance he's here. What? Are you serious? Nish Kumar is here. And he's brought some jokes from across the pond. The time traveler's wife's husband, a.k.a. the time traveler, is here. Ryan O'Connell is here.

And we're going to take some shots in the dark based on appearances. Plus, Kel Cripe and Langston Kerman join Ryan and Nish for the rant wheel. What could we possibly have to be mad about? Let's get into it. What a week. All right. All right. Here's the thing. I want to talk. Obviously, this has been a week of

grim news. And this is a show that we do once a week, mostly funny. A lot of it is supposed to be funny. Here's what I wanted to say about yet another mass shooting in America. Sometimes I feel like politics right now, for a lot of reasons, mostly bad, is about whose rage gets the most attention. And sometimes Democrats eke out a victory, sometimes we lose. But regardless, I think a lot of our collective frustration as progressives is rooted in the fact that our national conversation tends to focus almost exclusively on Republican rage. You know, Republican rage is about the difference between how things are and how things used to be.

That's what voting in Trump was about. That's what trying to make life more dangerous for trans kids is about. That's what banning books is about. That's what trying to make life more dangerous for trans kids is about. That's what banning books is about. And that's why Democrats, I think, have been afraid of their own shadows for too long. But something does feel like it's changing. And maybe our rage will get its due. And our rage is about the difference between how things are and how things could be. between how things are and how things could be. We saw after George Floyd's murder,

there was this surprising experience of the whole country focusing on a different kind of rage. I think the same thing has been happening since the Roe decision leaked. I think living through mass shooting after mass shooting in such quick succession is allowing a different kind of rage to have its due. And I see it more and more. And I see us as the majority in this country

that's angry, not about the fact that we're leaving behind some fantasy about the past, but desperate to imagine a better kind of future. I see us demanding more and more. And while it is taking time to get it out of our political system, that does give me some kind of hope. And I don't know what to do with that. I don't think I'm really a Democrat because I like Democratic politicians. Right now, I think I'm mostly a Democrat because I hate what Republicans would do to this country. And I'm just going to be okay with that for a while.

They don't care if kids are gunned down in school, if trans kids kill themselves. They don't care if a 13-year-old girl is forced to carry her father's baby to term, if our drinking water is poisoned, if our sea levels rise, if their own supporters die of COVID. Mass shootings are an evil scourge and they highlight how dangerous and violent this country can be. But last year, 45,000 people died from gun violence in this country. 1,500 kids died last year. The leading cause of death for children is now gun violence in this country. 1,500 kids died last year. The leading cause of death for children is now gun violence. I see a lot of people talking about how hopeless this is,

and I just don't really understand that. I don't feel particularly hopeless. I just feel furious. I feel angry all the time about it. I don't want to live in a violent, dangerous, heavily armed, authoritarian religious state, controlled by an embittered minority that rules us through their unelected, bigoted, and radical judges. I refuse. And we all need to refuse. We just have to refuse, even if it's hard, even if it takes forever, even if the victories are few and far between, because the second we accept that that is our reality, the second we give up in this fight, that will be true. That is exactly what this country will become.

There are currently 5 million eligible citizens in Texas who are not registered to vote. This is by design. Republicans in power don't want all eligible Texans to make their voices heard because they wouldn't support 20 bills expanding gun rights in the state that Governor Greg Abbott signed into law in 2021 alone. Greg Abbott is on the ballot this November, and our friends in Texas have plans to register more than 1.25 million Democrats who have moved to Texas since 2020 that are still unregistered. You can donate to that effort as well as find ways to support the families in South Texas at votesave.us slash Texas. So please go and donate and do what you can. And don't give in to the idea that this is hopeless or that things won't change. It will take time, but we are the majority in this country and we will win. It took a long time for things to

get this bad, to live under the specter of this much violence, have it become so ordinary. It will take time for it to change, but we do not have to accept the idea that this is normal. We don't have to give in to the idea that we are so weak and so afraid and so vulnerable that just because it may take a long time, we won't actually do it. We will do it. This will not be our future. This is our present. It simply will not be our future. We have to assume and live as though that is true. That's all. And then you go on social media and it's all like so performative and that's ugly too. You know, all these people getting retweets by expressing their feelings about it because it's biased nature for others to see. Not only do we doubt them, it causes us to doubt the idea of

people actually feeling these things. I think it is so bad for us as people to see tens of thousands of other people sharing what we want to be genuine emotion, but doubting it again and again and again and again. It is so sick that we go to this forum where everyone collectively performs grief because it can't actually be grief because by its nature, it is meant to be consumed as content. I don't think that's good. It is deeply upsetting what is happening. It is deeply upsetting. It is awful. It is wretched. It is sickening and it is vulgar and it is unnecessary and it is preventable. And that outrage, I think, is something we don't know where to put it. We don't know where to put these feelings. But I do struggle with the fact that in the wake of only mass shootings, do we express these maudlin and big emotions when kids are dying by gun every single day? Every single day. They die every single day. They accidentally shoot a sibling. They get shot by a parent who think it's an intruder. They shoot themselves because they're being bullied at school.

This happens every single day. Why do we not collectively mourn every 20 kids? Why does it matter that it doesn't happen in one place? It's wrong. It's wrong. That is a vulgarity. That is us, collectively, even the people who are outraged by mass shootings, tolerating and not caring enough about daily violence.

That is our crime. That is our mistake. That is our collective inhumanity that we have accepted every single day. The fact that they have to happen in one place, in one fucking room for the whole country to pay attention is wrong. That is what is wrong.

That is all of us being wrong. That is all of us accepting this every day. And the day we stop doing that, the day we stop waiting for a mass shooting to be the reason we care about gun violence is the day we'll actually have a majority that will change this. Every day is a mass shooting. Every hour is a mass shooting. And we all ignore it. All of us. I ignore it. All of us. We all ignore it. You're pissed about mass shootings. Not enough. Because you're worried about mass shootings because you know you're not going to shoot yourself. You're not worried about a gun in your house because you don't have a gun in your house. You're not afraid of your partner shooting you because you know and love your partner. It's not a coming for you. It's not going to affect you. We worry collectively about mass shootings.

Journalists worry about mass shootings because they're afraid of them. We're afraid of being killed in a mass shooting. We're afraid of them. We're afraid of being killed in a mass shooting. We're afraid of our kids being killed in a mass shooting. 45,000 people are going to be killed by guns and none of us care enough. Wow, that was surprising. Okay.

Alright, now I'm done. That's what I actually think. Okay, cool. See this Trump guy? All right. You guys want to start over? We're going to put that in the show, but emotionally, you guys want to now get back to something? You came out here.

That was helpful for me, to be honest. I was struggling with what I was trying to understand about why I was bothered by our collective reaction to these things, and that was helpful. Thank you for allowing me to do that in front of you. Do you think we can put that out or we should cut it? No, we're going to put it out. We're going to put it out.

Also this week, Donald Trump told Newsmax he wouldn't be worried if Mike Pence tried to run in 2024. Trump said, I can't imagine he runs that fast. He's an older guy, not in great shape. They'll still catch him and kill him. San Francisco Mayor London Breed. San Francisco Mayor London Breed says she will not march in the city's pride parade unless organizers reverse a previous decision and allow police to march in their uniforms.

The organizers forbade police from marching in their uniforms for one simple reason, no kink at pride. After the horrific events in Texas this week, Beto O'Rourke publicly confronted Greg Abbott during a press conference Wednesday demanding the governor take real action in response to the Uvalde school shooting. You're doing nothing. After the horrific events in Texas this week, Beto O'Rourke publicly confronted Greg Abbott during a press conference Wednesday, demanding the governor take real action in response to the Uvalde school shooting. You're doing nothing. No, you need to get his ass out of here.

This isn't a place to talk to the show. This is totally predictable. Sir, you're out of line. I love when a tall guy acts tall, you know, for justice, for justice. That's so cool. He's so tall He's so tall, so tall Uvalde Mayor Don McLaughlin Told Beto, I can't believe that you're a sick son of a bitch That would come to a deal like this to make a political issue

What do you think this is? Some kind of trans book fair, you filthy rat bastard Damn it, Beto Senator Ted Cruz Also in attendance, demanded Beto sit down But that's like telling Hulk Not to smash, it only is going to make Beto. Senator Ted Cruz, also in attendance, demanded Beto sit down. But that's like telling Hulk not to smash. It only is going to make Beto stand on something higher.

Also, Beto was sitting down. That's just a height difference between Beto and Ted Cruz. Beto's so tall. So tall. After being led out of the venue by officers, Beto told the press gathered outside, I am calling on all Texans of good conscience, and I could care less if you're a Republican, a Democrat, or an Independent

to stand up for yourself, for your kids, for our families, and to stop the next shooting just like this one. Meanwhile, a few hours after the press conference, Governor Abbott attended a fundraiser in a private home. I know the optics aren't great, but the cannibal family from Texas Chainsaw Massacre is kind of considered to be a kingmaker in the state's Republican Party. Before you criticize Greg Abbott, please remember, we all have our own ways of dealing with grief. Self-care is important. Meanwhile, Ted Cruz suggested

in an interview with Fox News Wednesday that the solution to school shootings is to simply have one door to the school with an armed police officer outside of it. Why we already have all these prisons, why wouldn't we have our children attend school in them? The food is the same. Has Ted Cruz never heard of fire?

Like, one entrance to a school? Has he never seen a building? Though it does make a little bit more sense when you find out Ted Cruz accepted over $3 million in political contributions from the Triangle Shirtwaist Factory. Doesn't make any sense. Cruz also said, inevitably, when there's a murder of this kind, you see politicians try to politicize it. You see Democrats and a lot of folks in the media whose immediate solution is to try to restrict the constitutional right of law-abiding citizens.

The law-abiding citizens part is what counts. The mass shooter was a law-abiding citizen when he bought two AR-15s. Ted Cruz's policy here is that every American citizen in good standing within the law should be allowed one mass shooting. That is his current policy. Of course, guns are banned during Trump's speech at the NRA conference this weekend, but that's just because they want to sell more guns at the venue, like out in movie theaters. They don't let you bring your own Sour Patch Kids. In an impressive display of stones by a Democrat, Senator Chris Murphy took to the Senate floor to demand Republicans join in on the fight for gun control. But I'm here on this floor to beg,

to literally get down on my hands and knees and beg my colleagues, find a path forward here. and beg my colleagues, find a path forward here. Work with us to find a way to pass laws that make this less likely. Republicans responded, on your hands and knees, that's surrender talk. Senator Murphy said, spare me the bullshit about mental illness. We don't have any more mental illness than any other country in the world. You cannot explain this through a prism of mental illness because we're not an outlier on mental illness. We're an outlier when it comes to access to firearms

and the ability of criminals and very sick people to get their hands on firearms. Okay, but have we tried to get these shooters the Calm app? And finally, Ellen DeGeneres aired her final episode after 19 seasons of her daytime television talk show on Friday, which means it's time for a new mean gay on the comfortable chair to take the throne. I'll bully Taylor Swift. I'll go to a baseball game with Mitt Romney.

I'll get dominated by Dakota Johnson. I'll do anything. When we come back... What are you going to do when you come back? Yeah! Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me. Are you heckling me?

No. No, no, no, no. I love this stuff. You love jokes. Comedy. Comedy. Wait a minute. Wait just a minute.

Are you Tom Cruise in disguise? Oh, no. I have a hat. I'm just a guy. I'm just a guy like you. eyes okay all right all right you know what you're tom cruise in disguise you get up here guys give it up for Tom Cruise in disguise. I don't feel well, please. I don't feel well. Come on. I'm there to see a comic show. All right.

Whoa. Hi. You know, come sit over here, please, Tom. Oh, yeah. I'm just sitting over there like an audience member. Now I'll sit up here. Hi. All right.

You know what? I'll play along. What's your name? Oh, my name? You know, I didn't think about this. It's Kel. Yeah. Like the beautiful Kelly McGillis from a little film colloquially known as Top Gun. Really?

Have you seen it? Have I seen Top Gun? You bet. Yeah. Did you like it? Did I like Top Gun? Yeah, I love Top Gun. Oh, I love it too. Is that really what we're going to start with? you seen it have i seen the top gun you bet yeah and did you like it did i like top gun yeah i love top gun oh i love it too is that really what we're gonna start with well i just oh being honest like i can't stay that long because my limo is circling around back you're what oh did i say limo i meant oh i gotta go put some more coins in my electric scooter time runs out on those things so quick.

I see people riding them in my limo all the time. You're not, you're doing it to, look. Oh, I said it. Can we do another take? No, there's no other takes. You, last week at Cannes, Tom Cruise, last week at Cannes, Tom Cruise said he goes in disguise to movie theaters to watch movies.

I've been living in Los Angeles for 12 years. I knew I must have run into Tom Cruise Well, hats off. You got me. It's me, Tommy C. Tommy Cruz. Thomas and Cruz. Yeah. Wow. Hey, everybody. It's so amazing to be here. Looking all out at you. We've all got asymmetrical faces And we're really tall That is uh You're in an incredible costume

I have to say Yeah well you know what When you get to my level you only work with the best John You know this actually full human suit One zipper straight up the back And it's even got you guessed it Moisture wicking Well What brings you to the show tom this

isn't a movie theater you know i know this is a movie okay it's a i saw a marquee i thought i'm gonna go try this one out tonight and i'm gonna be honest i've been wearing this disguise for so long i you know i just feel like my skin's gonna crack, but it still feels more like the real me than me. Oh, Tom, no. Really? Yeah, you know how I keep trying all my new stunts?

You know how I shattered my ankle filming Mission Impossible 6? Me? I give it 110% of my foot, that is. Yeah, I did wonder about that I mean we have stunt people in Hollywood it seems needlessly risky for you that's right you know John you are right about that

that is something you are so right about and it's true because I've given the world so much I give I pour I give and I give and I give and what do I get you know my body is broken people say it's broken and I feel that and I know I and what do I get? You know, my body's broken. People say it's broken, and I feel that, and I know I need to take a break, but guess what? I can't take a break, because I actually have to go straight to the International Space Station for my next movie.

Yeah, yeah, guess what? I can't believe it. I talked him into it. But this whole time, all I want, all I want is to do the one thing that I can't do. Wear a pair of shoes without lips? Oh, kiss me on the lips, John. No. Just have a normal life. That's what I want to do, John. I'm sorry. All right. Tell me more

about that. You want to be normal, huh? That's what Tom Cruise wants? Yeah. I want to be normal. I've been famous for so long, I can barely even remember the before times. Before I was rich, handsome, and famous. Right, of course. I want to do all this stuff all these normal people get to do.

Walk the dog, go on a walk, open doors. Sure. You haven't done that, huh? You don't open doors? Sniff. Sniff? Sniff things. That's a dog?

Okay. I want to drink these smoothies. You know, got really fancy million dollar mushrooms. Like the guys. Like the guys. Taco Tuesday. Taco Tuesday. I want to go to that place where they sell...

What's it called? Do you know what I'm talking about? Are you talking about Sizzler? Oh, kiss me again, why don't you? No. Almondieri. They're expensive places I totally know about, and I want to

go there, and it also costs like a year at Northwestern or so. Jump change! I don't know, Tom. I think going to fancy resorts and drinking smoothies with expensive mushroom, it sounds pretty fancy still. Whoa. No, see, I hear you.

I hear you. I get that. But I don't want to do this as fancy Tom Cruise. I still want to be wealthy Tom Cruise. But I want to be a wealthy, normal, handsome, but just not famous Tom Cruise doing regular around-the-town stuff. Oh, John.

Do you know what it's like to yearn for acceptance for who you really are? Well, I guess, I mean, I sort of do. You know, everyone can connect about that. We all want to be accepted for who we really are. Exactly. Like, that's why I want people to like my NFT apes, because they're cool. And the colors are vibrant, and it makes you laugh a little bit.

Not because they look exactly like me, Tom Cruise. I see. And I also want to have sex with a man. Wait a second. Wait a second. All right. No, no, no. See, not like that.

I just want to kiss him all up and down, make him feel beautiful. Stop it. I just want it for practice. For practice. Like, you know how I had to learn how to ride a horse for my beautiful film, Far and Away? Yeah. I actually learned how to ride a horse for that. Because I, unlike all the rest of the dweebs in this town, I'm committed to learning the skills of my art.

Sure. Tom, I'm going to be honest. That's super sad and all, but you're one of the most famous people in the world. And in your decades of power and acclaim and celebrity, you haven't done anything with it. Oh, I'm sorry, did you not hear the thing I just said about learning how to ride a horse? Sitting here, I don't even know what your politics are at all. Like,

I look at you and I think, loves McCain. But I don't know why, and I'm not totally sure. John, John, I don't pay attention to the politics schmolitics. I would never want to alienate a single moviegoer from experiencing the magic of cinema.

You know? But I did visit Zelensky once. Really? I would like to hear about that. It was 2019. My movie maybe you heard of it, Mission Impossible 7. He told me I was good looking. I said stop. I said stop that it it just pays the

bills tom listen if you want to have the american experience if you want to know what it means to be an everyman you will go home take off this incredibly compelling disguise get on tiktok and dance that tiny ass off in support of abortion access or gay books or i don't know baby formula actually you're Actually, you're right. John, you're right. I'm gonna go do this. I gotta go get an account. I'll learn the renegade dance. This is incredible. Wow, but

just so you do know, I do have to run it all past the guys at the old building, if you know what I mean. Any building in particular? Just the really big one. What does it say on the outside? What building is it? Is it a big building? Is it in particular? Just the really big one. What does it say on the outside? What building is it? Is it a big building?

Is it in Hollywood? Is it a big building in Hollywood? No, I'm going to be honest. I'm talking about the Scientology building, John. Okay, then. Never mind. Tom Cruise in disguise, everybody. I know how to fly a fighter pilot jet.

Yeah, that's great. No one does that. Get out of here, Tom Cruise. All right. You get out of here. one does that. Get out of here, Tom Cruise. You get out of here. You get out of here. Tom Cruise, everybody. Wow, what a get. What are Tom Cruise's politics?

Here's a question. All right. Everybody vote. In the year 2012, did Tom Cruise vote for Obama or Mitt Romney? All right. Obama. Mitt Romney? All right. Obama. Mitt Romney. Wow.

He doesn't vote? He doesn't vote? Tom Cruise doesn't vote? Do we, do you know, is that something reported? Or is that something you feel in your heart? One day I will find out. One day we'll find out. I know you will. You will find out. You will find out. One day we'll find out. I know you will.

You will find out. You'll find out. Someone on a campaign just needs to break into PDI. Okay, here's what I'm going to say. Let's, no. Someone on a campaign doesn't need to break into, was that the voter file you mean? Yeah.

Okay. Or someone could ask him. You know? Why don't we try asking him? The man does interviews all the time. Hey, don't go anywhere. There's more of Love It or Leave It coming up. And we're back!

Thank you! Put your hands together for the incredible comedian Nish Kumar! I love you, Nish! They love you. Come on, Nish. First of all, welcome back to the show. Good to be here. Yeah!

The last time I saw you was in the city of London. London, England, Johnny. Exactly. London, England, and Pod Save America. Listen, we were young and impressionable. Our eyes were wide. And people at some kind of a rapacious talent agency said, you guys should go to Europe and do your show.

People are going to love it. And we're like, great, we're in. One catch. It's January. You're going to Finland. And so we arrived in London to do Pod Save America and Love It or Leave It, a double show. Off to Finland.

It does sound like you think London is in Finland. I know it's not. But we had done. Jesus, I know Americans are a little ignorant of geography, but come on. Look, I think if people listen to this back, it's plausible that I knew London wasn't in Finland. It's at least plausible. But basically, we had spent a week traveling and we hadn't slept because it was dark 20 hours a day and we were all fucked up and

we decided to end the week with two shows in a row, Pod Save America followed by a late Love It or Leave It and Love It or Leave It was falling apart and then all of a sudden we're like, we need a guest, we need a great comedic guest and nobody what's going to happen? And someone's like, Nish Kumar is actually attending. He is in the crowd and we said,

would he be on the show? Would he agree to be on the show? They pulled me out of the crowd. And I walked out and I started singing Shallow from A Star Is Born. I just came straight out. Tell me something, John. Brexit's going very badly. And the crowd went wild.

It was amazing. I was in the audience. Nish saved us that night and then we made passionate love. And then when he was accepting a big award at the BAFTAs, I did pee in my pants. So, you know, it was, you know, art imitating life imitating art.

All right. Nish, listen. I know, America, we got our own troubles, all right? Yes. But over where you're from, Finland, there's problems. And the Finnish Prime Minister, Boris Johnson, has got into a bit of hot water. Here's my question for you. Yes.

Did everyone ultimately forgive him for having a party during COVID? What happened there? Okay, so here's the thing that you have to understand about Boris Johnson. He lives his life according to one rule, and that rule is the plot of the film The Purge. Except it's The Purge 365 days a year. All bets are off. This is a man who up until very recently,

his Wikipedia page listed him as having between five and six children. He doesn't believe the rules applied to him, and he doesn't really believe in condoms. And he... But he... So, yes, he attended this party. It's very embarrassing to come here and have to use the phrase party gate. But that is how it is being reported in the United Kingdom.

They're talking about something called party gate, where Boris how it is being reported in the united kingdom they're talking about something called party gate where boris johnson attended a string of parties that violated his own lockdown regulations and we don't have to say allegedly he has been fined by the police for one of those gatherings but then there was a report by a civil servant called sue gray that went to look into more of it and found that he had attended several of them though he wasn't fined for any of them and the Conservative Party defence is at the time he was following the rules to the best of his understanding but come on there's a war on and what I would say is I absolutely think that he knew he was breaking the lockdown regulations right I absolutely think he knew that as soon as he saw birthday cake but what i would say is if you don't know that a birthday party is a violent i don't know if we can swear but i'm from

britain you can't for fucking lockdown regulations fucking breaking if you don't fucking understand the birthday cake is a fucking lockdown violation then maybe you shouldn't be fucking prime minister during a fucking war so here is something i don't know first of all look i know that we've taken the english language and improved it in the ways that we have. I like that you've now borrowed gate from our Watergate hotel. I like that. You're so much older than us, you don't have a word

for scandal till our president broke into a hotel in 1971. You've had like a thousand kings and queens. None of whom have ever been involved in any scandal. None. Regardless of what you may have read. And you're like, uh, I don't know. Gate? What's that after? It's after a queens none of whom have ever been involved in any scandal none regardless it's a pure you may have read and you're like uh i don't know gate what's that after it's after a hotel in washington based on nixon wild also one thing that's been surprising about this is

what's it like to live in a country where there seem to be consequences for misbehavior like trump could have gone to fucking mardi gras and thrown beads and nobody would have been like yeah that's just that's you know but he fights well it's it's interesting isn't it because i think part of the frustration in britain at the moment is that it feels like there's never any consequences for johnson's behavior so he he did get fined i think it's a 50 pound fine so that's not enough yeah. Yeah. That's a ticket price for going to a birthday party. I was about to say $100, but I think that's pre-Brexit. I think now £50 is a dime and four old shoes.

Yeah. I think the frustration is that because he is still in a job and he's sort of just saying, I really need to be allowed to carry on doing the job but it's like that's not how if a bus driver plows into a lake they don't get to say let me get us out of the lake yeah well they wouldn't be able to because i mean once a bus is in a lake the driver's powers are no longer it's useless you can't drive it out it feels like you're speaking from bitter personal experience yeah i mean Listen, here's the thing.

Once you hear that glug glug, you're out. The engine's not coming back. It's fire in there. The thing about engines, here's the thing. I don't know if you know. I don't know. But once water has gotten basically waist high in the bus, you can be sure that that engine's fucked.

Permanently. Permanently. Famously, if a car gets into that much water, you can't sell it that engine's fucked permanently permanently famously if a car gets into that much water you can't sell it it's done it's toast people know that right it's a thing this is basically what the conservative party is doing currently i know what you mean it does feel like there are consequences looking at it externally but from our perspective we can't get rid of this motherfucker whatever happens he presided over a horrific per capita death rate you know in terms of our population size he presided over

scandal after scandal after scandal meanwhile the cost of like everyone is basically having to like dig around for gold bars to pay their heating bill because the cost of living has gone up so high uh next question for you on a scale of nine to ten, how excited are you about the Queen's Jubilee? Oh, my God. I am, and I cannot stress this enough, in a permanent state of tumescence. I have a forever boner for QUnit's impending Jubilee. Honestly, John, I forgot it was happening.

I tried to schedule a meeting next Friday, and they were like, it's a public holiday because of the Queen's Jubilee. And I was, I forgot it was happening. I tried to schedule a meeting next Friday and they were like, it's a public holiday because of the Queen's Jubilee. And I was like, oh yeah. The pedo's grandma. Is it the pedo's grandma or the pedo's mum? Mum. Mother.

Yeah, mum. Pedo's mum. Yeah, no, it's Prince Andrew's mother's Jubilee. And I would say I am very, very thrilled that a woman who we regularly sing a song inviting God to save her from troubles that will never, ever afflict her has been able to last as long as she has lasted.

Now, after my pitch... Listen, I hope you guys like me because I'm never getting let back into the country You gotta stay here You gotta stay here I love you, man I love you Alright, okay, alright

Keep your pants on It's the accent Listen Listen After my pitch for a segment called Gay or British was shot down, we've decided that Nish will be joining us for a segment we're calling, I can't, I gotta, The News, isn't it? How was that?

I have been all afternoon waiting for that moment. How'd I do? You did as well as I thought you were going to do, and I think let's leave it at that. Can you read it? It's the news, innit? That sounded authentic. I'm genuinely amazed that innit has landed even on your radars.

Innit is basically a British abbreviation of isn't it, and you sort of ask it. I suppose, actually actually it's because you've all watched love island that's where you've picked up these obtuse pieces of british scale no there's somebody shaking their head did you just always know it it was something that ali g used to do sasha barry nope terrible cut that one it was so bad we have to cut it this genuinely looks like an advert warning people about the signs of a stroke I smell toast in this

here's the homework fucking hell governor it's starting to reek of toast in it stupid too stupid alright pop me in a red bus a reek of toast, innit? Stupid. Too stupid.

All right. Pop me in a bread bus and take me to the hospital, gulliver. Can't wait for me socialized medicine to kick in and sort out

me gulliver. Here's how it works. It's just gay news, but for British stuff. All right. But we're going to say, instead of, we're between each one, we got to go chim, chim, chim, chim, but for British stuff. All right. But we're going to say, instead of, between each one, we got to go,

chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, charoo. So can you do that with me? Chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, charoo. According to an investigation conducted by civil servant Sue Gray, Boris Johnson oversaw widespread violations of COVID restrictions. Though her findings did not recommend punishment for anyone found to have breached regulations, they figured that partying with Boris Johnson is punishment enough.

Chim-chim-chim-chim-chim-chiroo. Meanwhile, Boris Johnson has declared that he would not resign, even if he was found to have flouted restrictions as part of Partygate, though he said he was humbled by the findings. Yeah, he said humbled. Leave it to Boris Johnson to treat a damning investigation like he's been nominated for an award for outstanding contributions to the field of partying. Chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim.

Ricky Gervais has managed to get a full four minutes into his new comedy special before returning to his favourite topic, hacky, terrible, mean-spirited jokes about trans women. His favourite topic used to be atheism, but that hasn't interested him as much since his continued fame and wealth have proved once and for all there is no God.

Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim. Gervais defended his jokes in an interview Tuesday declaring, I think that's what comedy is for really, to get us through stuff. And I deal in taboo subjects because I want to take the audience to a place it hasn't been before, even for a split second. Most offenses come from when people mistake the subject of a joke

with the actual target. I'm taking people to a place they've never been before, which is why this special was about bullying trans women, and the next one will be about how dating is weird. You know, shit people have never heard in their life. Gervais is just trying to take his audience on a journey to someplace new, like seven other interchangeable comedy specials with identical anti-trans

jokes that are all on Netflix together right fucking now! Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim. Health officials suspect monkeypox has been circulating in the... Wait, as if we don't have enough. I know, I can't do it. No thank you, monkeypox. been circulating in the United Kingdom. Fuck it. Wait, as if we don't have enough. I know, I can't do it.

No thank you, monkeypox. We're busy. Health officials suspect monkeypox has been circulating in the United Kingdom for years, with recent cases linked to two raves in Spain and Belgium. Now, before you go blaming Boris Johnson for this, he did not attend those raves. He was too busy partying in the open sore wound

at London's monkey hospital. Oh, no. Chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, Stupid. BBC News apologized for airing the phrase Manchester United are rubbish on their news ticker, an error they blamed on a new hire learning how to populate the ticker. When reached for comment, the new hire said, Oi, what's all this then? I'm so sorry. Tonight's Love It or Leave It will be brought to you by Dick Van Dyke.

Yes. Yes. And I think there's a lesson there. Didn't slow Dick down for even one fucking minute. The man's 100 years old. He's been famous ever since. It works. People love that accent.

Chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, chim, churro. Season three of the Netflix hit Bridgerton has been confirmed and will stray from books in order to focus on Colin and Penelope as the season's main couple. I actually didn't realize there were books. I thought it was an adaptation of a spec script for a porno based on sense and sensibility. Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim. Despite penning his new song,

Music for a Sushi Restaurant, Harry Styles said he's not a rolls guy. No, of course not. He doesn't eat rice. Celebrities do not eat rice. They don't eat rice. Celebrities do not eat rice. They don't eat carbs. You see these people with these incredible cheekbones. You know how they get them?

One, expensive face treatments that tighten the skin that are not available to the rest of us. They're not on the menu. It's a special menu just for Harry and people with that structure of their face. And they never get closer to a carb than when they say no to Biscoff cookies when flying Delta One. That's it.

Chim, chim, chim, charoo. Of course he doesn't eat sushi rolls. You think Harry Styles is wasting a cheat meal on fucking rice? Absolutely not. Absolutely not. I have another point to make about this. A very small point. Here's all I point to make about this. Very small point. I'm interested to hear it.

Here's all I want to say about this. I've been thinking about this for some time. What's the issue here? Get it off your chest, buddy. Here's what I want to say. I would like to explain Hollywood in total in this way. All the male leads pretend they're Kermit, but in real life, they're Miss Piggy. That's it. real life, they're Miss Piggy. That's it. And anyone, they all want to be Fonzie, they want to be Kermit,

they want to be Gonzo, they're not. If they have perfect skin, and they're on TVs or film, they're Miss Piggy. Piggy. I think I can hear Tom Cruise trashing the dressing room. Jim Jim Giroux. The British Royal Mint has partnered with not-for-profit organisation Pride in London to commemorate

50 years of the LGBT plus Movement Pride with a 50p coin Designed by Dominique Holmes Don't miss the unofficial commemorative circle jerk Or for our British listeners The Union Jack Jim Jim Jim Jim Jim

Jim Jim Giroux Nish Kumar everybody Thank you so much. When we come back, a time traveler. That was amazing. Thank you. I'll be back. He'll be back.

We'll be seeing Nish. We're not done with him. And we're back. Earlier this month, HBO premiered Stephen Moffat's adaptation of the 2003 novel, The Time Traveler's Wife, which follows an everyman as he meets different iterations of his wife and himself while crisscrossing space-time. This week, time stood still on Twitter when a scene from the show's second episode started to make the rounds, revealing that in the show, the time traveler performs oral sex on a version of himself

from the future. Yes. Personally, I think that's a huge juvenile distraction from the real serious ethical and existential ramifications of time travel, which is why I brought him here today to discuss the actual meaningful good he can do. Please put your hands together for the time traveler himself, Henry de Tamble. There he is.

There he is. There he is. Hello. Wow. Come on, time traveler. Absolutely. So good to see you. Thanks for joining us today, Henry.

Of course, John. Though, if I disappear, don't think I'm doing it. You know, I'm being rude. I'm just somewhere waking up naked in a field in 2004, or waking up naked in a movie theater playing Knocked Up in 2007, or waking up naked earlier today in the back of this theater. Honestly, I'm not sure how you even booked me. We have the best producers.

Huh? They're on their phones. And this praise was not inserted into the script to make me celebrate them out loud. Anyway, Henry, that sounds confusing. Could you explain how it is exactly that you time travel? Of course. You see, John, I was born with a condition called chrono-impairment. Sure you were.

My body spontaneously travels through time at completely unpredictable times. That must be very difficult for you. Oh, as you can imagine, John, time traveling makes for a very fraught existence. I only make it through with the kindness and support of my wife, Claire, who I will love forever. And of course, the occasional blowjob from myself. You know, I was, I was kind of hoping we could steer clear of the auto fellatio because it does cause such chaos online. Instead, I wanted to ask you, what pressure do you feel as a time traveler to attempt to retroactively avert all kinds of things that might be happening?

John, can we be real with each other right now? You're not going to answer my question, are you? I believe that we as a people should be more open to thinking outside the box. My ability to time travel has its challenges, yes, but it also has its rewards. I've learned so much about humanity and also, when I'm feeling anxious, I can meet up with myself for a quick 6-9. Oh man, Henry, Henry, please, Henry. No, John, please what? John, I have no shame about my life either.

I have no shame about my life either. About my spontaneous time traveling or the copious amounts of dome I get from different versions of myself. Wow. Pretty much every time I see them. Or they see me, if you know what I mean. Sometimes the blowjobs arrive from my future. You know, it's complicated. I have many questions that aren't about time travel blowjobs.

I'm begging you. And you don't have a single one about it? Does it count as a gay experience or as masturbation? Hey, the way I do it, it's both. I've been excited about that joke all day. Did I get it? You guys, you guys, so good. So good.

Guys, just please applaud Hallie Kiefer for that joke. Thank you. Henry. Based on literally every time travel movie I've seen, I imagine you have tried to intervene at some point to prevent catastrophe. Get a message from President Obama about, I don't know, the tan suit. Warn people that they don't need to wipe down their takeout containers. You know?

You know what I mean? Is there anything you've been doing to let people know about the future? No, I never have, John. I pretty much just surprise my wife at various ages, plus the beagers. Henry, you're telling me you've never tried to change the future. Aren't you personally morally obligated to at least pick up the phone and call somebody? I mean, I could, right? But how would they understand me with my mouth so full?

God damn it, Henry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry that you are wasting this incredible gift the universe has given you. John, John, we know right now what horrible events are headed our way. The next housing market crash, women losing abortion rights, the video that actually makes everyone understand, sympathize, and even respect Madison Cawthorn. I mean, and we can't stop any of it.

You think one extremely relaxed man can convince anybody of anything? Oh my God, you're right. So I say kick back, relax, and go to town on yourself. Why not? I don't know. Maybe you have a point. That being said, I did just get back from 2024 and I have a grave warning for the country of America. Oh no.

What is it? Trump is going to win again. Oh, come on. Or will he? I don't know. The point is, you can stop it. You can warn yourself about climate change, about democracy, about guns, about all of it.

No more information is needed. What is needed is for everyone who knows and cares to get the majority in this country to accept that the warnings are true. And that's not up to me. That's up to you. So I'm free to kick back and text myself from two weeks ago a picture of an eggplant and that new pointing emoji. Come on. You know, Henry, I got to ask. And that new pointing emoji. Come on. You know, Henry, I got to ask. Does any of this nonstop fellatio make you wonder if you should instead be looking for a time traveler's husband?

Oh, no. No, no, no. I have sex with a truly insane number of my wives, too. And they are freaks. Let me tell you. Henry DeTamble, the time traveler, everybody. Give it up for Henry. Timothy Chalamet wins an Oscar for playing Johnny Depp,

so consider yourself warned. Oh, no. Oh, no. Langston Kerman, everybody. Insane. And thank you so much to Langston. He stars in Bust Down, which is streaming on Peacock, and is the head writer of Pause with Sam Jay,

which just started airing its second season on HBO Max. When we come back, Ryan O'Connell and I judge by appearances. Don't go anywhere. This is Love It or Leave It, and there's more on the way. And we're back. Welcome to the stage star of Netflix's special and author of the upcoming novel, Just By Looking At Him. Please welcome Ryan O'Connell.

Hi, Ryan. It's good to see you. Hi, thank you for having me. All right. Hi. Let's talk about this book, Just By Looking At Him. Are we looking at a beach read or are we looking at a gay nude beach read? A gay nude beach read. It's sort of like a tromedy,

and it's really horny and gay and disabled, because that's intersectionality, bitch. Terrific. And let's talk about Special for a second. What did the show teach you about translating your experience, based on your first memoir, into a TV show for everybody? Just to make gay things for gay people and not try to explain things to straight people ever,

because who literally cares what they have to say? All right. I mean, not like I have any thoughts or feelings about it. Ryan, let me ask you this. What can you tell about me just by looking at me? I can tell... Oh, no. ...that you are a person

sitting on a chair in front of a group of strangers and that's very normal for Los Angeles. Yes, exactly. It is. It is very normal for Los Angeles.

So I'd say you're on fucking trend. I am on trend. I'm always on trend. That's something you need to know about me. So Ryan What?

Look You see a lot. I do. But are something you need to know about me. So Ryan, look, you see a lot. I do. But are you strong enough to point that high-powered perception at this game we just came up with? Abso-fucking-lutely. I'm going to show you a photo of someone, and I'm going to need you to tell me what their whole deal is

just by looking at them. Also, for the audience at home, don't worry, I will perfectly describe each of them. Are you ready, Ryan? Absolutely. Let's play. First photo. Is this a man currently being subpoenaed by the January 6th committee, or is it my aunt's boyfriend?

What we are looking at is a middle-aged man with white hair. He has a blue button down that's a little too open and a pair of khaki pants. A woman in a pink shirt that looks like it's from Chico's is pointing at him. He has a big sheet-ending grin on his face and he looks like he's at a parade. Okay, this is really weird because this is actually a picture of my boyfriend. I like older men, not gonna lie.

I like putting the hoe in hospice and this guy has five days to live. Five days. So absolutely rail me in Van Nuys. Oh my God. Good God. It's giving Van Nuys, it's giving actually state fair,

like Rancho Cucamonga or whatever that place is. All right, well. We stan. Okay, well, here's what I'm gonna say to you. You stan insurrectionist Mo Brooks. Oh, okay, slay. Oh my God. Comeay. Oh, my. Come on.

Next up. Absolutely. We love a point of view. Is this former bachelor Aaron Berg in 2021 or New York State Assemblyman Pat Berg, who's been accused of firing three staffers after they argued with him about backing out of a speech decrying white supremacy? Oh, batch. No, not batch. No, no the other thing he's not hot enough you're right that's exactly

right yeah next up is this a january 6th insurrectionist currently on trial or one of the guys who used to play colonel sanders in the kfc commercials it's giving insurrectionist oh my god that was a and i just want to describe the photo because it looks like basically Santa on meth. And it is in fact the actor Randy Quaid. Wait, are you kidding me? No, that's what happened to Randy Quaid.

Help him out, Dennis. Buy a vow for Randy. For God's sake. Listen, listen, listen. Dennis is living his dream with his, I think, like, wife that is 40 years his junior. Is that right? Do people know?

Meg Ryan needs to intervene. The ex. She needs to help. I feel like once Meg Ryan got out of there, she's like, listen, I don't have to worry about my brother-in-law anymore. Yeah. She's like, Randy made it weird. She's like, Dennis, Randy was weird.

It's finally time I need to tell you. I didn't want to bring it up. I know. This is a hot take, but Randy's weird. Randy. Randy, Randy was weird. It's finally time I need to tell you. I didn't want to bring it up. This is a hot take, but Randy's weird. Randy is weird. Randy was weird to me. All right, let's see who's next. Is this Exxon Mobil senior vice president or actress Jennifer Lawrence's father-in-law, James Maroney? What we are looking at is a man in a very boxy suit with one hand in his left pocket staring into the middle distance with a shitty grin on a long hallway where there's some kind of mountain art deep in his background.

Okay, so here's the deal. Cook Maroney is like what a Lower East Side artiste. He's like art dealer vibes, right? And so you think like maybe he came from like convention to be like, you know, like really wild and crazy downtown New York. So I'm thinking i was gonna think it's that but it's giving like exxon mobil svp correct you got it my god i'm so good next up ryan okay is this a member of the cast of the good wife or a republican senator who said no to an abortion rights bill absolutely Absolutely a Republican senator. Whatever I was like, good wife? You got it. You got it.

You got it. Is this a football coach hired by Grambling State University after being fired by Baylor in 2016 for ignoring sexual harassment allegations, or a Democratic senator who refuses to work with other Democrats because he is enamored of his own power and attention?

I can't explain why, John, but it's both. Wow. Wow, that is correct. That was a photo of a U.S. senator and opponent of everything, Joe Manchin. And finally, Ryan, and you're doing great, by the way. You've been absolutely crushing it. Thank you.

Thank you. Is this Joe Biden's dog Major who had a biting incident early in his time in the White House or producer Brian's dog who bit a man's thumb off early in his time at Cricket? I'm going to say it's family, it's producer Brian

That is correct Remember how much that was hanging over you for years? Three years Imagine that, a thumb just clean off. Just like. Yeah. Gorgeous. Love.

Brian. What? Thank you so much. Thank you. And you should buy his book just by looking at him out on June 7th. When we come back, the rant wheel. And we're back. One note, check out our Memorial

Day weekend sale, which is happening through June 2nd at the Crooked store. There's a 15% off site-wide and up to 80% off new items, sale items. It says here I can include a lot about some of my favorite merch. It's all my favorite merch. We have great stuff happening. Go check out the merch store. Do it.

Keeps the lights on. Crooked.com slash store. Also, Love It or Leave It is back in Los Angeles through the month of June. If you didn't know, now you do. For tickets, go to crooked.com slash events. We have an incredible lineup for all of our June shows. Next week, we're going to air the show

we recorded in Boston with Ayanna Pressley and Lady Bunny and Pat Regan and the authors of the book How Democracy Dies. But we made it funny somehow. But that's a great show. That show is out next week. And then after that, we'll be back at Dynasty Typewriter for a month of awesome shows.

So check that out, crooked.com slash events. And now it is time for the rant wheel. You know how it works. The wheel spins and we'll rant about wherever it falls. Let's welcome back Langston and Nish and Kel back on stage. Come on back, everybody. You're out of character.

You're now Kel. I don't know what you're talking about. I just got here. Traffic was crazy. Sorry. No, no. Thanks for bringing it. You're right. I really appreciate it. Nice to meet you. Yeah. So nice to meet you. Hi. Sorry. No, no. Thanks for bringing it. You're right. I really appreciate it.

Nice to meet you. Yeah. So nice to meet you. Hi. Hey. Hey. All right. You know it works.

We're going to spin the wheel. This week on The Wheel, we have Henry Kissinger alive and doing takes. We have embarrassing sex dreams. We have hopelessness. We have Instagram close friends usage for anything other than nudes. We have Guy Fieri, elder statesman of Flavortown. We have when everyone but you takes off the Friday of Memorial Day. We have the House of Lords and we have Pooh Bear, Blood and Honey.

Let's spin the wheel. It has landed on Pooh Bear, Blood and Honey, which I believe was suggested by Langston. Very much so. Just to give everyone some context, Winnie the Pooh apparently is being now made into a horror movie. They're making a dark interpretation of Winnie the Pooh for a film

and watch your goddamn mouth whoever's booing because I for one could not be more excited for this upcoming program. It's so exciting because Winnie the Pooh if we're being honest and I know

why you're booing because we're all very tired of the dark interpretations of things. They did dark Power Rangers. They made Batman darker somehow. You know what I mean? Will Smith, he's edgy now. You know what I mean? They've done this before, but let me tell you that Winnie the Pooh has been dark the whole time. It's a real fucked up story.

Those parents send that child into the woods alone. He wanders those woods until he's delirious from exhaustion and famine. And then he starts to imagine that he's built these emotional connections with stuffed animals just scattered amongst the trees and the best he can imagine is is a a tiger who's very clearly on speed high as the day is long and a goddamn depressed donkey, yeah, if this means that we get justice, we kill off Christopher Robin and save America, save humanity. I think he's British. Save everybody. I'm so sorry.

Why did you point at me like I knew him? Well, you know. He's one of those. But if it saves everybody, I'm happy to see it come and kill Christopher Robin. Thank you so much. What I appreciate about that was very funny and also important. Thank you. It's important that we have to

kill him. I like to be thoughtful in these things. Let's spin it again. It has landed on Instagram close friends usage for anything other than nudes. And I suppose that's Ryan's. Who? Who, me?

Okay, I guess. Put me in, coach. I want to play. Okay. Yeah, I have some thoughts. Okay. So, like any self-respecting homosexual I use close friends only to post pictures

of my ass and just like nudes in general well that's not true today I went to go sign my will hashtag bragging and I posted

the office that I signed the will in and like first of all it was like so chic it was in Century City obviously and people were commenting

being like oh my god that's the office from Marriage Story like you know like the Laura Dern salad moment you know what I mean oh my god that's the office from marriage story like you know like the Laura Dern salad moment you know what I mean sure yeah okay that's so chic anyway that was a total digression I don't usually do that it's only nude so when I and my

close friends are not my actual close friends it's just like random gay guys I went to rail you know what I mean and by the way when you're gay that's family okay that is family it's like the gay olive garden when you're here, you're family. Have I met 90% of them?

Absolutely not. And by the way, I'm on their close friends too. Again, we're all family and it's all understood. So when I limited breadsticks, anal, anal is breadsticks,

right? Yes. Yeah. Love that. So when I see a little green circle pop up on some like really hot guys, Instagram, and it's like a picture of their sweet green fucking salad. I'm like,

first of all, like who hurt you? Like, like was it sweet green? Like why are you hiding that sweet green? It's like an institution. It's salad artists. Like why would you be ashamed?

So I just think we need some, like I, you can't, you should not be allowed to post anything to close friends other than nudes or a picture of the office where you signed your will. That's all. That's all. And I think that's another important point.

And not enough people are talking about it. And that's why we have this show. A space for us to have these kinds of conversations. And I learned a lot. Langston learned a lot. You can learn some more. Langston is like, I learned a lot. You can learn some more. Langston's like, I learned a lot.

I need some more close friends. Let's spin the wheel. It has landed on embarrassing sex dreams. Who suggested that? What? embarrassing sex dreams. Who suggested that? What? That's such a weird thing for someone to want to talk about.

Yeah, but do you want to talk about it, Kellan? I mean, I guess. First off, I do want to address, you know, everyone hates when other people talk about their dreams, but I just want to say you're not having interesting enough dreams, right? Because my dreams self-edit like a movie like they have

transitions there's music but i recently have just been feeling like waking up mortified because you know most time like if you realize you start to realize you're in a dream you're like oh i'll go flying like i'll go do something my brain's like oh we should probably all start having sex for practice you know and then but then but then what's tough is I like I'll form this like months-long intimate relationship with someone and then it gets time where we're literally in bed and then it cuts to black and then I wake up in the morning and we're like that was so much fun and I'm like I would just it's a dream it's my dream it's my brain and I couldn't even allow it but it's just hard because recently like I had one and I woke up and I was so embarrassed at myself

because the person was like, can you do better? And I was like, that's my brain. And I have to walk around just being like, I'll do better next time. I'll do better next time. It wasn't a real person. That is the saddest fucking thing

I have ever heard in my life. We all have that. We all have that. And the thing is, we all have that. We all have that. We're all having that. It's always happening. And it's again, not something we're talking about nearly enough. Let's spin it again.

It has landed on the house of Lords. Nish, I'll take it. No, you take it. You take it. If this is not me, it's a real surprise. I just think that it's nice for me to get out of the country that I live and occasionally inform other countries, especially America, that our country is fundamentally as fucked up and undemocratic as your country.

Obviously, you have the Supreme Court, which for some reason you have a sex pest and a witch burner on now uh but we also have our own very bizarre uh system of unelected lawmakers uh so there's the house of commons those are the people that we elect mps and they make laws but there is also a place called the house of lords which is some fucking jr tolkien shit and should not really be happening in the 21st century and these are just people who are just rich and they inherit titles and they just get to make laws right that's bad enough some of them are just random friends of members of parliament so one of them is a guy called

evgeny lebedev who his father was a kgb agent and boris john Johnson made him a member of the House of Lords because he was like the dude is fun and he has fun parties and then the secret service, MI5 James Bond took Boris Johnson aside and was like I don't think you should do that buddy and he was like yeah shut the fuck up. So now that guy, he's just

in the House of Lords. He's not even the worst person there. The worst person there is Andrewrew lloyd weber what now let me quickly dispel any concern in the room it's that one that's cool he's not there because he's like a member of the landed gentry right he is there because of his contributions to musical theatre. And in 2015, he flew back from New York to London to vote to make sure that they did not increase welfare payments to poor people. And he was able to do that because he wrote cats. So next time you're worried about your country system being too undemocratic, remember the cat dude, Captain Judi Dench's butthole,

was able to vote on whether poor people should have more money. Jesus. Andrew Lloyd Webber, isn't it? Let's spin it again. That was great. And it's landed on hopelessness. When I was a kid, my favorite sandwich was the McDonald's McChicken sandwich. Fuck yeah. And this was years before, long before they introduced such a thing as the dollar menu.

And before, due to vagaries of the corn markets and the economic growth, led to a situation in which all the food got so much bigger. And so when I was a kid, the McChicken wasn't a dollar. It was more than that. It was just the main sandwich. The McChicken was the main chicken sandwich on the menu. And then it was gone. They just eliminated it one day.

They said, no more McChicken. It was at the phase of when they were doing the Arch Deluxe. Remember when the Arch Deluxe situation happened? And they introduced those Arch McChicken sandwiches. They were bad. They didn't work. It was a failure. But the McChicken was gone.

And then there was a time where you could really only get it if you happened to be in Toronto. And that was exciting. Because they still had the McChicken internationally. In Toronto. And I thought I would never see the McChicken again. I thought it was hopeless. But then, years later, they brought it back. In some of the darkest moments in this country's history,

for example, during the pandemic, when Taco Bell, again, due to the vagaries of the corn markets, decided to remove some of their A-plus 10 out of 10 items from the menu, including the Mexican pizza, including, still not back, the Double Decker Taco Supreme. Gone, but not forgotten. There are a lot of people who said it was hopeless. That, like, that's it. You don't have the power to bring it back. You can't get Taco Bell to do anything.

It's gone forever. And then what happens? What happens? Doja Cat says, hello, I'll take money to be part of a scam in which we remove something and then bring it back and sell more of them than ever before. Dolly Parton says, I'm in.

Then you have a movement. Just when you think you're going to live in a world where you can't have a McChicken, suddenly it comes back this time for a dollar. When I was a kid, the McChicken was $2 and 35 cents. Now it's $1. Things can change. 35 cents. Now it's $1.

Things can change. It was exciting when I went to Toronto as a kid. And there was a McChicken. I got two of them. I was a little fat kid. Eating my McChickens. Realizing I don't know how to communicate with the other boys. But I didn't understand why.

Just weren't on the same wavelength, you know? Have you heard of the Land, Air, and Sea sandwich? What is that? Oh, McDonald's has now come to serve a Land, Air, and Sea sandwich where they stack a hamburger on top of a fish sandwich on top of a McChicken into a single body. That's cool. I do know that you can go to a McDonald's and say, I would like a Big Mac,

but make it with chicken. People don't know that. Do you know that? They'll just put the big chicken pieces instead of the beef. Yeah, they'll kill you however you want to die. You choose. When we come back, we'll end. Thank you.

Thank you for getting us the hell out of this. When we come back, we'll end on a high note. And we're back. Because we really do need it after a very grim week. Here it is, the high note. This is my high point for the week. I will be 70 years old this year. And today I took my 14 year old granddaughter to a pro-choice rally and she made the best sign in the whole place. It said, if I wanted the government in my uterus, I would have fucked the senator. Yep, she's a pistol,

but I love her to pieces. Thanks. Bye. Hey, love it. This is Janelle in Atlanta. My high note of the week is that apparently I had opted into that Facebook lawsuit about the biometric data getting leaked or whatever. I don't remember doing it. but then today I got a check in the mail, and it really could not have come at a better time. And just had some really unexpected expenses this month, and at the expense of Mark Zuckerberg, I got a little bit of help there. So that's been pretty cool.

Hi, Lovett. I'm an avid listener, and I want to give you a high note. So I have bipolar, and I've been having troubles with addiction. The healthcare industry has been absolutely overwhelmed. But finally, I'm number one on the list, and they said I should be able to get in Monday. And that's incredibly encouraging. Thanks for everything you do.

Bye. I love it. This is Jane from the mountains of San Bernardino, California. On February 16th of this year, I had a stroke. My husband and I own a small business, and it has been especially hard on us to keep up with work as I've been healing up these past few months. Anyways, two weeks ago, I was in the doctor's office waiting for my follow-up appointment, and I got an email from Comic-Con International saying that we will finally be exhibiting our gnomes at San Diego Comic-Con 2022.

Yes, you heard me right. We make our gnomes, specifically zombie garden gnomes and other rude middle finger gnomes. Anyways, I then found out at that appointment that my artery where my stroke came from is healing up very well and I should make more or less a full recovery.

I'm so thankful for the love and support of my family and a friend, especially my husband, who is a huge fan of your show. I love you, Chris. Let's get back to it. Hi, my name is Nolan from Michigan. And yesterday I attended an abortion rights protest in our capital, Lansing, and it was just so inspiring to see all the young people like myself out there fighting for something that we all really believe in. And I've decided after one year of flirting with it, I'm going to run for my local school board. I'm only 18, but I'm going to take the lead because I want to be a bulwark against the damage that these Republicans are doing to our district. And I am so, so excited to become a

part of the process. Thank you. I love it. My name is Catherine Steiner. I live in rural Minnesota, and I think it is the first or second highest voting county for Trump in the last two elections. So my children always learn some interesting things in public school. Anyway, my 14-year-old son was watching a TikTok about a trans woman. He started carrying pads and tampons with her in case anybody wanted one in the bathroom. I have four sons.

I had his direct me, but he insisted we buy pads and tampons for our house and show all of his female friends where they are in case they need products while they're here. Thanks for what you do, and thanks for showing our boys that even when they live in a rural place, there's a different way to live. Have a great day. Hi. My high note for this week is about the U.S. News and World Report's useless annual ranking of best places to live. I live in Worcester, Massachusetts. I love living here. I'm an advocate for Worcester. And it was ranked 69th, to which I can only say nice.

Thank you. Thank you to everybody who called in with a high note. If you want to leave us a message about something that gave you hope, call us at 213-262-4427. That is our show. Thank you so much to Kel Cripe, Nish Kumar, Ryan O'Connell, Langston Kerman, and everyone who sent in a high note. There are 166 days until the midterm elections. We can elect a pro-choice, pro-gun control majority in this country. We have to do the work. Go to votesaveamerica.com. Sign up.

If you haven't yet, sign the fuck up. Enough. And also have a great weekend. Thank you. Love It or Leave It is a Crooked Media production. It is written and produced by me, John Lovett, and Lee Eisenberg. Thank you. Thanks to our designers, Jesse McLean and Caroline Haywood for creating and running all of our visuals, which you can't see because this is a podcast. And to our digital producers, Norma Alconian, Milo Kim, Mia Kelman, and Matt DeGroote for filming and editing video each week so you can.