Lovett or Leave It - Harry Styles Threw The First Brick

Episode Date: October 23, 2021

This week Tre’vell Anderson helps us catch up on some gay news, the newest Bond Girl, Titsy Malone (Maria Bamford), shares her character's journey in No Time to Die, Alexis Wilson and Moshe Kasher help (we think? maybe?) the audience with some of their toughest problems. Ricky Velez joins as we talk about the Right's attack on parental leave. And Lovett quizzes Moshe and Ricky on paternity leave around the world.For a closed-captioned version of this episode, please visit crooked.com/lovettorleaveit. For a transcript of this episode, please email [e-mail] and include the name of the podcast.

There ain't no gold in this closet That he's been stuck in for like fucking ever But he knew there was hope in the booster And he's breaking out to New York City Crowds get tickets on sale now And he's breaking out to New York City crowds Get tickets on sale now, it's live or else It's love it or leave, it's live or else Bring your vaccine card, oh baby it's not that hard if you believe in science, baby

Democrats, it's time to do what we've promised to Let's not go easy We had so many good times In that closet, oh But there's something special About a very live show It's love It or Leave It's live or else Don't forget your mask

And even if you didn't ask He brought the red wheel To live or else I can't wait to hear him say His poppers stroke today He'll fit it in easy Good evening, Los Angeles. That amazing song was by Adele. That was by Macy Solar, Selah, and AJ Warren.

Thank you for sending in that incredible song. If you have a Live or else theme, send it in to leaveitatcrooked.com. They have been amazing. We have got, listen, we have a little bit of showbiz lingo for what we call an episode like that. Call it a thick-sode, because it's a lot of carts.

It's short for thick episode. On the show this week, we mix up some vaccine cocktails. What a day's own Travelle Anderson, Alexis Wilson, and Moshe Kosher give our needy audience some advice. Moshe is joined by another funny father,

Ricky Velez, to talk paternity. Leave. And we have a Bond girl that didn't make the cut exciting but first let's get into it what a week in a statement sent from the Hellraiser dimension but boring Donald Trump criticized the media's celebration of Colin Powell after the Secretary of State's passing, lamenting that Powell was treated beautifully in death, despite his big mistakes in Iraq. Trump's statement concluded, He made plenty of mistakes, but anyway, may he rest in peace. The but anyway is art.

The but anyway is art. Media failing to cover the stakes of our politics. Leaded gasoline rotting the brains of baby boomers in the 1960s and 70s. Facebook, Fox News, decadence and moral decay. Racism and misogyny as gateway drugs to fascism. This is why Trump was possible. The but anyway, that's why he won. Think about it.

As for Trump's cronies, in a bipartisan vote today, the House approved criminal contempt charges against Steve Bannon over his refusal to respond to a subpoena from Congress from the January 6th committee regarding the Capitol riot. Bannon says that he, a podcast host, is protected by executive privilege because he once worked in the White House, which I will say has never worked for me when I'm trying to sneak Arby's

into a movie theater. How dare, HIPAA. It doesn't matter what's in these cargo shorts in 2005 New York City while I'm temping as a paralegal and doing open mics at night, sneaking into a movie with a Big Mac at 6 o'clock p.m. HIPAA. Too real? The thing about cargo shorts in the year 2005 is one side you can really perfectly put a Big Mac, and on the other side you could perfectly put a large fries.

Why, what cargo do you think they're for? Meanwhile, West Virginia senator and vacant-eyed student hoping the teacher doesn't call on him, Joe Manchin, has come out against Biden's clean energy plan. There was also a story this week that Manchin was threatening to switch parties. Then Manchin called that story bullshit. But then Manchin also said that actually he did lightly offer to become an independent. But that was it. He would still caucus with the Democrats, but it didn't lead to anything. He almost described it like it would be a favor to Jack Schumer. But I know that we're all pretty sick of talking about how we need Sinema and

Manchin, even though they view it as like a source of their identity to limit our ambitions purely for the point of proving that they limited our ambitions. And even though this is beside the point, we wouldn't be in this mess if Cal Cunningham had been able to stop himself from fucking a rando on a trip to California. It's neither here nor there. it's neither here nor there or if Bill Nelson had gotten 10,000 more votes against Rick Scott in Florida Rick Scott, one of the biggest Medicare fraudsters in history how did we let that go by? and I don't know why I'm rehashing this

except we've reached the bottom of the barrel on mansion jokes which is fine because we can use that barrel to float down the Kanawha River the next time it floods due to climate change as it takes out nearly all the buildings in Charleston, West Virginia, a state singularly at risk for climate-related flooding. Is that even

a joke? While Joe Manchin is personally stopping a plan that could help stop trillions of dollars in devastation, at least it's to protect 12,000 jobs in West Virginia. Even though we could literally write a million dollar check to all 12,000 people, and that would be still less than a half a percent of the cost of even the compromise Build Back Better plan. Still don't have a joke told you the barrel is empty it's for climate floating now

on wednesday mayor bill de blasio announced all city employees would must be vaccinated in related news five times as many police officers have died of covid than from gunfire since the pandemic began nonetheless police unions across the country continue to defy their city's vaccine mandates, with one-third of Chicago police refusing to get vaccinated. When confronted with this startling figure, police representatives promised to get the death by gunfire numbers up as soon as possible. The San Francisco branch of In-N-Out shut down after failing to enforce the city's vaccine mandate for indoor dining. The company's corporate office said, We fiercely disagree with any government diktat that forces a private company to discriminate against customers who choose to patronize their business.

This is governmental overreach. The corporate office went on to say, Also, when you order it animal style, the animal is a sick bat. I wish their fries were as firm as their dumb stances. The fries aren't good. What are we doing here? What are these lines for? You can't go down a side street near an In-N-Out because people are waiting for these godforsaken soggy fries. What am I missing? Once in a while, I will wait on one of those lines.

And then I'll get to the window and I'll say, one shake, please. And they'll look at me like I'm nuts. Like, you waited for one shake? I did. I was enjoying an audiobook in the car and I'll say, one shake, please. And they'll look at me like I'm nuts. Like, you waited for one shake? I did. I was enjoying an audiobook in the car and I didn't mind waiting. But the fries are bad.

It's not good. Does anyone disagree with me? So then what are we doing here? It's very reasonably priced. This week, the Vatican relaunched their Praying app. Click to Pray 2.0. For $9.99, you can upgrade to Pray Plus, which gives you an ad-free God

experience and access to Joe Rogan's complete archive. There's also Scripture on the Fries. That's a good point. That's important, too. I had forgotten about the Scripture on the Fries. In an ad for the Virginia Republican gubernatorial candidate, Rudy Giuliani put on an Abraham Lincoln filter to stump for Glenn Youngkin. Let's roll the clip. In my time, we had a name for men who sold bedrooms for one night. In your time, the name is Terry McAuliffe, and the Clinton flees once and for all.

Oh great, my sleep paralysis demon is here. Chilling stuff. The global supply chain continues to experience backlogs and shortages, exacerbated by the scarcity of microchips, an energy crisis in China, and the fact that Ronan drinks half a LaCroix and abandons it. Thank God I'm planning to get my loved ones the same locally sourced gift I always get them. Nothing. On Monday, the Justice Department urged the Supreme Court to block the Texas abortion ban, calling it plainly unconstitutional. I strongly disagree. The Texas abortion ban is extravagantly unconstitutional.

You don't just wake up and roll out of bed looking that unconstitutional. People worked really hard on this, and they do deserve credit. And finally, a Wisconsin man grew the heaviest pumpkin this year, weighing in at 2,520 pounds. But it was disqualified for having a fingernail-sized crack in it. Don't you dare say, oh my gourd, ever again. Strange. Because a fingernail-sized crack doesn't disqualify me from being

the cutest pumpkin. And you know what helps? If you've got a fingernail-sized crack, a little VCR cleaner. I've done it. I've done it again.

Now before we get to our incredible lineup of guests, yesterday the FDA authorized mixing and matching vaccine boosters. In light of the good news, we thought we'd have producer Brian serve as our watch what happens live or else mixologist, shaking up some sweet vaccine inspired cocktails all night. Have you ever bartended before, Brian? Sure thing, John. For about 11 months in Brooklyn, I'd give a free cocktail to anyone who looked at me right. Call me the sex pest of Cobble Hill. It's a family show, Brian. I know. My parents are right there. Hey, guys.

Where are they? Brian's parents. Good to see you. I'm so sorry for this. So, Brian, how are you deciding the right way to mix and match these vaccines? Yeah, so it's a lot of trial and error. I've had like six or seven of these bad boys, and I've never felt younger. They're not supposed to make you feel younger. Then why did they give them to all the old people first?

Can you just tell us what's in this first one? I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I just got distracted by how boosted I am. So we're going to start with a mojitoni fauci. Oh my god. So this is a light pre-dinner drink. We make it with J&J because it provides like barely any immunity.

So here's what you should do. Okay. So one and done has never been my strong suit. So we're going to go to J&J. Then we are going to go to Splash Moderna. Right? And then now we're going to pour it over ice. And then we're going to top it with three shots of Trader Joe's brand rum.

There's vaccine in there? What? There's vaccine in there? What? There's vaccine in there? Yeah, yeah. Okay. It's also a lot of booze for one person, Brian. This is a public health crisis, love it. I see.

Can you just do your part and stop being selfish like me? Oh my God. Do I just take it as a shot? Yeah, that's the only way I know how. Oh no. All right, Brian, thank you for introducing us to that Mohitoni Fauci. We'll be checking in with Brian throughout the night. Give it up for producer Brian.

When we come back, Travelle Anderson is here. Hey, don't go anywhere. There's more of Love It or Leave It coming up. And we're back. It's hard to stay on top of the news week after week, month after month, year after year, but if there's one kind of news I love staying on top of, it's gay news. Joining me now, a returning gay news co-anchor, who you'll recognize from both our Pride livestream and co-hosting Crooked Zone What A Day,

please welcome back Travelle Andersen. Hi, Travelle. Hi, John. Hey, y'all. How y'all doing? Thanks for being here. Thanks for having me. Now, you know how gay news works. We're gonna have to say this. It's basically it's meant to evoke almost like a kind of telegram like news from the front newsreel, you know, that that would have aired before a Hitchcock movie or something involving Orson Welles. Sure. Not my brand of film in particular, but I know what you're talking about.

Great, great, great, great, great. Here we go. Are you ready? Ba-da-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba. Gay news. Gay news. Sci-fi's new Chucky series, based on the possessed doll movie franchise Child's Play, stars a 14-year-old gay teen. Finally proving to gay teens everywhere, you too can be haunted.

Obviously, Ben Platt went out for the role. I'm sorry. Come on. Gay news. Adele admits she framed a piece of gum chewed by Celine Dion, which she obtained from James Corden, who asked Celine Dion to spit her gum into a napkin to give to Adele. Celebrities are just like us.

Fucking disgusting. Gay news. All right, this is quick. Dr. Rachel Levine is now the first trans four-star admiral in the history of the United States. It's not like on a ship. It's like some kind of a health admiral. I don't totally understand it, but I guess it's cool. It's cool.

Ba-da-ba-ba-da-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-gay news. Gay news. The Eternals just debuted the MCU's first gay superhero, Brian Tyree Henry's character, Fastos, as well as his husband, and Kevin Feige promised it's just the beginning for the movie franchise's LGBTQ representation. Two gay men in a relationship

sharing a comforting kiss of long-term stability? You can stop there, Kev. You painted my shade of the rainbow perfectly. Gay news. The MCU's first gay character, of course, was basically an extra in Avengers Endgame who was credited only as grieving man I'm still grieving

for the fact that Brie Larson's character was reduced to vaguely lesbian facial expressions but above gay news while Eternals introduces the Marvel Cinematic Universe's first gay superhero they've also pushed back the release date of several films in their upcoming slate meaning Brian Tyree Henry's character

will be the only gay superhero on the MCU until March of 2022. But Dr. Stephen Strange is at least bi-curious. Let's face it. A Marvel spokesperson said, with greater superhero diversity, we hope to send the message that the Marvel Cinematic Universe has something for everyone except adults. Doing a recent podcast interview, Daniel Craig said he frequently visits gay bars. Everyone except adults. Ba-da-ba-ba-da-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba- kill half the people in this audience. Not me, really. It's just on the card, but y'all know what's up. I just had to clarify. I would kill half of you for Daniel Craig. No.

No. No, not really. Not if he really came to it. I will, look, we're going to talk about Bond later, but unless you've seen it, you're not, the camera lingers on some torso to thigh shots.

You know like there's the cowboy shot, which is head to just above the thighs? This is the reverse cowboy shot. If that makes sense. Gay news. Billy Porter called out Vogue for featuring Harry Styles in a skirt on their cover. I changed the whole game.

I personally changed the whole game, and that is not ego. That is a fact. I was the one doing it, and now everybody is doing it, he told the Sunday Times. I created the conversation, and yet Vogue still puts Harry Styles,

a straight white man, in a dress on their cover for the first time. That was a point. He didn't create the conversation, though. He didn't create the conversation. Okay, come on now. He doing a little bit much. A little bit much.

Like, we partially with Billy, and then the other half, we like, hmm. It is kind of a sign of progress that there's enough famous men in dresses to have drama. You know what I mean? But there are enough dresses to go around, I think. Plenty. I left mine at home. It was a little cold, as you understand, I'm sure. I do understand.

Buh-duh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-gay news. And finally, former Superman actor and recent nothing, Dean Cain flipped out over the news that Clark Kent's son and current DC Comics Superman, John Kent, is bisexual. I don't see how Dean Cain could be mad at DC Comics for making one guy bisexual when he made probably thousands of guys bisexual during the four-year run of Lois and Clark. Yeah, joke's on you. That's not

a ding. That's just me remembering how hot he was when I was a teen. Anyway, Dean Cain likes his definitions of sexuality like he likes his acting opportunities. Firmly ensconced in the mid-1990s. Besides, Dean Cain doesn't have a leg to

stand on. Not when everything he stars in now sounds like a bisexual superhero show. One Cop's Journey. Paul's Promise. You see Paul's Promise, Travelle? Oh, you know I haven't. Why'd you even ask that? Put me on the spot like that? What'd you think of One Cop's

Journey? Not into the cop propaganda, personally speaking, but shout out to them. You know, I guess. And that's gay news. Give it up for Travelle Anderson, everybody. As the pandemic rounds the vases into 2022, life is sort of returning to normal, by which I mean a totally new

Worst normal where all of the fraying seams Of the American experiment have been torn open To expose the synthetic form inside I for one definitely need some guidance On how to go on living Joining me now are two wonderful people Who are up for the job The hilarious Moshe Kosher of the Endless Honeymoon Podcast

And Alexis Wilson, writer of Mentally Shrill Nice to see you both Nice to see you too Endless Honeymoon Podcast, and Alexis Wilson, writer of Mentally Shrill. Nice to see you both. Nice to see you too. First off, let me ask you both. Where do you get off giving people advice? Well, I asked you backstage what your qualifications were and she would not tell me.

She wouldn't answer any of my questions. It's because I have none. I like that. My qualifications are that I'm crazy and that I've spoken to a lot of therapists. Oh, I have that qualification as well. This should be fun. That's why we're on the stage. Listen, my qualification is that I do a podcast where I claim to have the qualifications of giving people advice.

And it seemed like a fun idea when your producers pitched it to me. I love that about us. Yeah. I agree. What is some advice that people need but no one is talking about? Ooh. I will say,

I hate this trend of, like, texting your therapist, like, a weird, kooky question, and then, like, tweeting it. Don't care for that. I don't care for that. Also, like, you're bothering them. That's, like, rude.

It's like, I'm only gonna go to, I'm gonna make up a name, Dr. Jessica. I go to her all the time. With real, urgent questions. Right. Not, you know, like, Harry Styles. I'm not doing it for the, don't do it for the gram. No.

No, no, no. Why did someone scream no when she said Harry Styles? I'm like, which one of you is bothering your therapist? There's a very strange, very anxious, very pro-Harry Styles contingent that when his name is raised, there is a deep concern that we are going to unfairly criticize Harry Styles. And it's a really weird energy. I don't understand it.

Where did it come from? I'm not sure. I've never even heard him speak before. People are like crazy for him. Well, I think it's that people want to fuck him real bad. I can't relate. You don't see it? No.

For real, you don't see it? I don't see it. You don't see it? You don't see it at all? You don't see it at all? I don't see it. And I would climb Vince Vaughn like a tree, but I don't see it for Harry Styles. I'm so sorry.

And by the way, the Vince Vaughn-Harry Styles comparison is often made. That's a constant. Thank you for backing me up. By the way, this is the most Hollywood situation ever. It's like one block over, they're filming a major Hollywood film. Do you see that? And then over here, here we are in the real dream

of people that move to town, a podcast taping. That's exactly right. All dreams come true. You'll fuck Vince Vaughn by the end of this show. Thank you. I believe in myself. Listen, we didn't move to Hollywood to not fuck Vince Vaughn. All right?

What does that mean? And look, I didn't, I wasn't asked, and it was really more directed at Alexis, but I'm very attracted to Harry Styles. Well, he's objectively very attractive. I mean... I wouldn't asked and it was really more directed at Alexis, but I'm very attracted to Harry Styles. Well, he's objectively very attractive. I mean, I wouldn't say objectively. That's like very Caucasian to say that he's objectively.

Do you know who you're talking to right now? I'm the white guy to your left. Yeah. If you took if you removed the nail polish and like the rings and it's like billowy blouses, that's like an average guy that you can find in Silver Lake. Wait, hold on. Don't check my white privilege when your example was Vince Vaughn. Listen, I don't know what to tell you. No, I get the charge.

You either get the vibe or you don't. No, I do. You might not get the vibe. You're money, baby. The thing about Harry Styles is... Nothing. See, you're scrambling. I wasn't going to do this, but Harry, if you want to come up here...

Bring Harry out. He is humiliated. He was a guest of motions. I brought him here. I said all of the panelists will think you are at least hotter than Vince Vaughn. That was the one thing I promised him. You fucked up because you did not. It's very Caucasian of me to do that.

Extremely. I want to get to the advice, but here's the one thing I will say. A feminine look with a cardigan and a former pop star singing morose songs about the present circumstances, that works for me. Yeah, but the

Wild West comedy tour of Vince Vaughn's, I don't know if you're familiar. Yeah, I don't know if you're familiar with the movie Old School or any of his other works, but... That was his sexual peak. Vince Vaughn's sexual charisma maxed out in the film Old School.

Few of us could keep our clothes on in the theater whenever Vince Vaughn came on screen in the film Old School. Few of us could keep our clothes on in the theater whenever Vince Vaughn came on screen in the 2003 classic Old School. No, he's a beauty. He's a beauty. Just his physique and those under-eye bags that you could just curl up on and go to sleep. You sleep like a beautiful pillow.

I love a man that's just beat down and his ass kicked by life like that. Especially if he's white. Yeah, do it again. Kick his ass some more. I like an actor that has a kind of masculine, passive-aggressive energy that is very clearly something that cannot be turned off when the director says cut. Exactly.

All right, let's get to the advice. I obviously didn't want to bug you just with my own personal questions, and since this week has given us a few viral moments of advice, one of which was from Ellen DeGeneres' web series, Mom Confessions, something I'm just learning about right now as I read this. So Mila Kunis admitted that

when her six-year-old daughter told her another kid had pushed her, Kunis demanded she shove them right back. Ashton did not agree. I actually think it's kind of good advice. You send your kids out into the world as it is, not some paradise where you don't have to shove back. Someone should have told me to shove back. What is your personal stance on shoving children?

This might be my canceled moment, but I think we should shove a lot of children. There's a few... Not you shoving children. Oh, well, just so you know, I'm down for that. But also, I'm also down with telling your kids to shove children back. What do you think, Marsha? My problem with it is not that it's a parent telling their child to shove another kid,

that it's Mila fucking Kunis telling. It's like already the alpha kid at that school. There's no possibility that kid's not walking around with like a, what? You say no? I'm saying sometimes, you know, that's a target, you know you know oh you think you're so hot because oh it's like because your dad was in that 70s show well guess what now there's a sign on your back that says eat shit i don't think that they don't i don't think they know what that 70s show is but oh this is the guy from that wedding movie that i forgot where they're like a little car wait you don't know

that 70s show no No, I know that. I'm saying children are watching. I would hope. I just would like it if you were so young you didn't know that 70s show, but your main attraction point was Vince Vaughn. I'm like, you are a mystery beyond what I had anticipated. I'm thrilled that you think I'm so young that I don't. You look young enough to have pushed Mila Kunis' child to me.

Thank you so much. Oh, my God. What do you think, Marsha? Oh, well, yeah, that's what I think. I think if you're a millionaire, your kid doesn't get to push other kids. That's what I think. Okay. I think that's a good rule. I think that's honestly a good rule of thumb. By the way,

speaking of Vince Vaughn, I once ate at the restaurant Swingers with my dear friend Brent Weinbach, very funny comedian, and we were seated at a two-top, and there was the window, and then outside, there were the outside tables, and seated there was Mila fucking Kunis and I was trying to have a nice time out with my friend Brant and talk to Brant but this is what the evening was it was Brant would talk and I would stare longingly at Mila Kunis then I would begin to talk and he would stare

longingly at Mila Kunis and at a certain point I wanted to knock on the window be like hey you're too famous to be out in public eating get the fuck out of here i'm trying to connect with my male friend i agree you shouldn't be eating outside if you're me lacuna no no have some decency yeah like go into like a cave or something go to the chateau marmont or something like literally anywhere else yeah don't pretend and so i went out and i actually shoved her dining partner and that's where she got the idea and i'll just say one other thing swing, another place where the fries aren't that good. Not at all. I'm so glad we said it.

It also went out of business during the pandemic. So I'm actually on the side of small businesses. I actually hate small businesses. Oh, you do? Well, that makes sense. You're like, I don't like Harry Styles. I like Vince Vaughn. I don't like a small.

I hate a small business. Bring me a Denny's. Bring me a Caro's. That's where I want to go. I love a sampler pl Bring me a Denny's. Bring me a Caro's. I love a sampler platter. You get it. You get the vibe. I feel like we're best friends or mortal enemies at this point. We should go to Denny's and get a sampler platter.

I'll get my fries from Swingers. I'll meet you at a Denny's. You like the fries at Swingers. You have to check these people before they get on the stage. He likes the fries at Swingers. It's like it didn't pass the vet. I've lost control of the show once again. In this week's Savage Love, a writer asks if it's a good idea to let her husband sleep with a terminally ill old flame,

or would it potentially lead down a road to ruin for their relationship? What would you tell this extremely, extremely selfless person? Moshe? Oh, I don't understand why you're worried about ruining the rest of your relationship when I think the specter of death is going to do that for you. That's right. There's not much runway there.

Fuck the dying friend and send them off into the river Styx with a smile on their face. That makes a lot of sense. I'm going to say that's very Caucasian male of you to say. Oh, for God's sake say only because this poor woman like i feel like if you have to ask you in the back of your mind you don't want to actually do it like if she if she wanted her husband to be like fucking this girl you wouldn't even the question would even cross your mind well maybe she's just checking in you know she wants to make sure you know she's going to dot the t's cross the i's that kind of a thing

make sure you know it all it's all in the up and up before they have the sex on the kind of way to off the ice. That's not going to work because he's going to forget to take the trash out five years from now. And she's going to be like, oh, you didn't forget to fuck that dying girl. You know, it's all bad. It's all downhill from there. All right. We have to be realistic. We have to be realistic about it. Do we have? Yes. That was amazing. All right. We have to be realistic. We have to be realistic about it.

Do we have? Yes. That was amazing. All right. Now we have a couple from the audience. The first question comes from a pop star who says they're not sure whether to tell someone that their feelings were terribly hurt at a live show. Somebody submitted a piece of advice for the first high school homecoming.

Who was looking for advice vis-a-vis the first high school homecoming? So what is your question for Moshe and Alexis? I don't know. What do you do? If you don't like dancing, what do you do? What do you do at your first high school homecoming? Yeah. First of all, take the mask off for yourself.

I'm joking. I'm joking. I'm joking. You're terrible at this. I am but a simple Caucasian man. I know not what I do. You're really playing it up tonight. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to risk your life here. What do you do at homecoming? So you don't want to dance at the dance. No. Can I ask you a question? What do you feel when you think about dancing at the dance?

Not good. You feel not good. Are you afraid you think about dancing at the dance? Not good. You feel not good. Are you afraid you don't know how to dance? Are you afraid that other kids will make fun of you? What are you worried about happening at the dance? Nothing. Nothing. You just don't want to dance.

You know, a lot of people say the younger generation isn't really communicative. And I want to say to you, take the mask off. I can't hear you. You guys are going about this the wrong way. Okay, Alexis, take over then. Take over. I was trying. I failed. You were right. As a six-year-old child of Mila Kunis I will say, I mean

I didn't go to any dances in high school. They bullied me out of that place almost immediately. Right back at you. Don't worry about that. We made it. We made it. Here we are. Look at us now. If I went to that dance, I wouldn't be doing this show. Exactly. But I think you should just go and have fun. Listen, like Addison Rae can't dance for shit.

And look at her. She's thriving. Netflix deal. Money out the ass. Never worked a day in her life. Just do that. If all else fails, just get a TikTok, you know. Just a cookie show.

TikTok is horrible. get a TikTok, you know? TikTok is horrible. TikTok is horrible. Have you seen the research that shows that Instagram gives teen girls body dysmorphia? Yeah, I was here when you did a rant about that. Oh, wow. Oh.

So you've come a few times. She's talking shit. Damn, that was a diss track. Yeah, I actually heard your little rant about that already. You know, have you ever thought about the fact that maybe the reason you don't want to go to this dance is because you intimidate the people around you? Yes. Maybe it's your fault. Think about that. Yeah, maybe.

This is a lot of victim blaming going on. Wait. Again, white male. To my left. Okay, so you don't want to, do you not want to go or you just don't want to dance? No, I want to go. I just don't want to dance. You can just go and not dance. Just vibe. Yeah, why don't want to do you not want to go you just don't want to dance. No, I want to go I just don't want to dance. Oh, you can just go and not dance. Just vibe

Yeah, why don't you you should go are there any goth kids at your at your school? Do they still have goth kids? No, you should have goth kid anymore. Do you know what goth is? Wait a second Do you know what a goth kid is? Yeah You have kids that wear all black and black nail polish and black lipstick and and kind of paler makeup and they think they invented That even though it's at every school? There's one kid. That's the guy. You find that guy.

Find him. Go with him. You ask that guy to come with you to the dance and then the two of you sit in the corner sharpening your arrows and twanging the sinew of your bow and arrow and you will be a fucking legend. I swear to God. In this age of school shootings, literally don't do that.

Whose advice are you going to take here? Don't I seem like I've got my head screwed on tight? Listen, do what I'm telling you. This is a good idea. Take the mask off, unvaccinate yourself and bring a bow and arrow to your homecoming. Do you feel as though you were helped by this situation at all? Not at all. Thank you for your question.

That was, thank you. I love inspiring America's youth, you know? No, the sincere answer is it's not the kids that are dancing in front of everybody and being like outwardly performative at the high school dance that turn out to be the cool adults. Those are the people that end up catching a case and nothing goes their way. You, the nervous person, eventually you're going to be like interesting, intriguing, and you'll look back and you'll go, just like John said,

I'm so glad I didn't dance at the school because I would have been such a loser right now. Now look at what I'm doing. I'm trying to keep my head above the seawater that has melted and is about to kill everybody in my generation. Yes. Besties filled. That is fantastic. Great advice.

Second, we also have someone that says you're 36 weeks pregnant. Who is 36 weeks pregnant? Right here in the front. Hello. Hi, what's your name? Flavia. Your name is Flavia? That is. And you're 36 weeks pregnant.

That's 10 and a half months pregnant. You're 13 months pregnant. She's two years pregnant. That's so crazy. half, that's 10 and a half months pregnant. You're 12, you're 13 months pregnant. I'm like, she's two years pregnant. That's so crazy. How many months is it? I could give birth any moment. Any moment.

It could happen literally here. That's why she came here. Laugh it out. Laugh it out. The question, it says here, now you want to know what we should name the kid.

Correct. We don't know if it's a male or female. Okay. That doesn't matter anymore. It does not. Yeah, it's 2021. We're't know if it's a male or female. That doesn't matter anymore. It does not. Yeah, it's 2021. We're good. But as you can tell, I have a quite unique name.

So I can't just name him. I'm sorry, John. I can't. That would be very Caucasian male of you. Have you ever tried to ingratiate yourself to someone before? Not lately. Because that's another piece of advice you could ask in the future. Do you have a partner?

I do. He's right here. What's his name? Trace. Trace? I think you go the direction you think you shouldn't go. It's funny to be like, hi, this is Trace. I'm Flavia and here's our son Tom. I think that's... There's something cool about that. Then he'll have to struggle. That is my father-in-law's name yes

or they'll have to struggle what do you think Alexis? I mean I was named after a dynasty character so I don't think I'm really like allowed to like character

I think that's cool yes wow cool the crazy thing is she was gonna name me you're talking all this shit about Caucasian-ness it gave you your identity

no it did but only because my mom was gonna name me Dominique not Caucasian no no I like it okay but my cousin was born to name me Dominique. Not Caucasian. No, no, I like it. Okay.

But my cousin was born in January, and my aunt stole it. I was born in March. Oh, your cousin is Dominique? Yes. I think it's a very cool origin story to be named after Alexis Carrington. It's very dynasty, too, the way it all shook out. I was named after a famous person as well with a lot of power. Moses.

Moshe is my name. And there's another dynasty. It's called the Jewish people. I love that for you. I had a Kabbalah phase. We're like besties now. It's working. There's heat because it's working. It's not going just in one direction, if you know what I mean.

Harry Styles, baby! Let it go! Have you considered a gender neutral name like Cameron or Dylan or Max or Max or Vince or Vince? Vince Vaughn? Vince is a hot name. I've never seen an ugly Vince before in my life. Never met an ugly Vince?

No. All right. Yeah. You're a big Vince McMahon fan? Sure. Humana. Humana. Yeah.

I'll take it. I'll take it. Yes. I mean, Vincent Van Gogh. He was hot. I may have had an ear. Even better. Even better.

Like, he literally can't hear me. That's iconic. That is hot. I want that for me. Has this helped you at all? It has. Thank you so much. Wait, how could it have helped?

Wait, I do have a pitch. Yes. What about Love It? Oh. If you can't go John, go Love It. I like it. I know. Why can't it be Alexis?

It's sweet. See, now you're making it weird. I'm sorry. There Alexis? It's sweet. See, now you're making it weird. There's a black one on the stage, and you're making it racial. You're saying the name. Wow. We made so much progress. Now we're back to the start. I feel so trapped, but I think you should name your child Alexis.

I agree. It's gender neutral. Can I ask you? So I recently, a friend of a friend is having a baby, and whenever they're asked what the gender is, they say, they haven't told us yet. And I find that both endearing and really smug in a way that's troublesome. Thoughts?

Oh, we're the same. We hope we have that relationship with them when they're 14. I like it. Things are happening. Things are happening. I love that. Flavie and Trace. I will say, this child is not going to get shoved

on the playground. No chance. Mila Clunas cannot say that, so you're already winning. You're light years ahead of them. I think we all are light years ahead of both of them. I think we've done it again. We've done it again. There's no question about it. We've helped Flavio. Alright, thank you to our teen dancer.

Thank you to the soon-to-be parent of an unnamed child. All right. Thank you to our teen dancer. Thank you to the soon-to-be parent of an unnamed person. Child. Love it. Child. Little baby love it. Oh, little baby Alexis. Little baby love it, Alexis.

Love Alexis. Alexis love it. Alexis love it. Does this mean anything to anybody? You love it, Alexis. No? All right. It's a commercial from the Bay Area from the early 90s,

and if you didn't get it it it's because you're not cool Give it up for Motion Alexis they'll be back later, thank you guys, that was so much fun We come back another segment I relate to you though if we're on a break, I didn't dance at the school dances I used to sit in the corner and I would

instead of dancing I would clench my butt cheeks I was so nervous but I still wanted rhythm so I'd just cl in the corner and I would, instead of dancing, I would clench my butt cheeks to the, I was so nervous, but I still wanted rhythm, so I'd just clench the butt cheeks and I would just be standing there. And then eventually I started going to raves. You should try, honestly, my suggestion, try the rave scene in San Francisco circa 1993. It's awesome. Here's what I'll say to you. the idea of me dancing in high school, the fully almost physical brick walls of anxiety, fear, self-consciousness,

latent homophobia, cultural terror that I would have had to break through to literally lift one foot off the ground to begin dancing at a high school dance, unfathomable to me. So I stayed home and i played mario kart during my prom wait can i before we go i do now you've got me thinking one this is real okay real advice it's scary to dance it is very scary to dance in front of other people

but there is no i and this is going to sound so corny and i know that i've established myself as a rakish figure that you can't trust that's actually aggressive. But this is real. This is now real me. There is no more freeing feeling on earth than dancing like with full abandon. I don't remember who it was, but someone said, some famous person said, if I can't dance in your revolution, I don't want any part of it. There is something beautiful about dancing with everything that you have. And the best dancer on the dance floor is always me. But the second best dancer on the dance floor is always me. But the second best dancer

on the dance floor is always the person, not the person that looks the best, but the person that does not give a fuck the most. So that's my advice. Someday find a way to dance with a band. And even if it's not your high school dance, because that's not a great environment for it, find a way to dance because it's a good feeling. That is great advice. And I do think it is funny how you fight cliche. But the truth is, I think what we've wanted to say the whole time is, I think you all know, dance like nobody's watching. And we're back. Let's check back in with our live or else mixologist, Brian.

What are you mixing up? Anything good recently? Oui, oui, John. Oh, no. Why are you speaking French? Yeah, I don't know. I was mixing and matching backstage, and. Oh, no. Why are you speaking French? Yeah, I don't know. I was mixing and matching backstage, and now I know French. You know French now, but you didn't before. Pardon?

Excusez-moi? John, do you not believe me? You're telling me that if you have enough of these vaccine combinations, you gain new skills. J'accuse! C'est tout à l'heure, John! There is nothing big pharma can't do with a high enough dose. All right, well, I'm skeptical, as is several people in the front row of your accent.

But I would like to know French, so can you teach me how to make whatever? A tequila sunrise movement. All right. Well, tell us about it. Okay, so what we're going to do is we're going to measure out two parts Pfizer, one for each dose you already have.

And then depending on if you like it sweet or not, and I do, a little bit of Moderna. And then I know you like your diet Coke. Okay. Looking out for you. And then as much tequila as you could fit in the rest of the thingy thing. These are very strong vaccine doses. How is that? It seems very strong. These are very strong vaccine doses. Mmm. How is that?

It seems very strong. Yeah, it's smoky. Uh-huh. Do you want it? Could you make it spicy? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Comme ci, comme ça. You just gotta shake it up with a little AstraZeneca.

We're not even approved for AstraZeneca. Where did you get AstraZeneca? Boss, I told you, if you want anything, I know a guy. That's not this kind of a tour. Alright, Brian, thank you very much. We'll check back in with Brian. A little worried about Brian. Recently, Pete Buttigieg,

former presidential candidate, and America's mayor by default, now that Rudy Giuliani sold his official America's mayor sash and crown to pay off the owner of a massage parlor in La Jolla, who was blackmailing him after Rudy begged a professional masseuse for a handjob during a trip to California to see the U.S. Open at Torrey Pines. Caused a stir by taking paternity leave from his role as transportation secretary,

he was helping to take care of his new twins, Penelope Rose and Joseph August, who were born prematurely. And boy, does the right wing have a lot to say about it. Joining me now to discuss are two actual certified dads. We already have Moshe here on stage. And coming up to the stage, we have Ricky Velez, very funny comedian. Hi. Hey, what's up?

Thanks for being here. Hey, people. Hi, Ricky. How are you doing? Thanks. He's from Forest Hills. I'm from Queens Village. We're all from New York, dude. I you doing? Thanks. He's from Forest Hills. I'm from Queens Village. We're all from New York, dude.

From Syosset. You can't really say I'm from New York, right? You are. You were born there. I left when I was an infant, but fair enough. I appreciate the street cred. All right, way to fucking ruin the hype I was trying to get going. No, I'm going to give you some hype. Ricky won't say it because he's very humble, but he's actually got an HBO special that

is coming out any day now. He wasn't going to mention it. He wasn't going to mention it. He wasn't going to mention it. He actually told me not to mention it. You said, do not bring it up. I'm firing my agent after this. This is not my crowd. Here's the thing. I just found out she's been here multiple weeks.

Go to school. This is school. This is ridiculous. We're outside. It's cold. Go study. This is school. This is school. This is ridiculous. We're outside. It's cold. Go study. And fucking dance. Now that's some New York advice.

What the fuck? Go fucking dance. Fucking dance. Just get out there and dance. You fuck. Go back to Queens. Dance. Yeah.

We love to dance in Queens. You never heard the ABBA song Dancing Queen? In Queens. ABBA, famous Queens-based music group. So what are we talking about? You gentlemen are here to talk about parenting, specifically being dads. All right, so I'm going to start with some easy questions for you two. First, do you regret it?

That's funny that people that don't have kids. Right, we take that kind of stuff very seriously, and honestly, to this crowd that laughed, that was very Caucasian male of you. Do you regret becoming dads? Answer the question. No, my kid is the coolest fucking thing I've ever done. He's so dope.

But, No, my kid is the coolest fucking thing I've ever done. He's so dope. But one day he will steal out of my wallet and call me a dick. That's what's crazy about parenting in a way. I'm sure you relate to this. And I'm sure you don't, John. Is that you are training them. They're not just going to do that. You are literally training them to do that. That's why mine's in karate.

I'm training. To fuck you up you up yeah but it's such an interesting experience that you the moment the child comes into your life you are training it to say fuck you and leave that's its life journey you're it well what there's one stop along the way which is where it goes to a high school dance looks around and goes like I can't do this and then they they leave. And there's something beautiful about that. Nope, my kid will dance. He's a dancer. So, Tugger Carlson said of Mayor Pete taking leave, Pete Buttigieg has been on leave from his job since August, and after adopting a child, paternity leave, they call it, trying to figure out how to breastfeed. No word on how that went.

They will never go after maternity leave. They're genuinely kind of uncomfortable attacking paternity leave. But there's something about attacking Pete that's a little bit like what they're trying to say is, isn't being a caring dad kind of faggy? Isn't that like at the core of what they're saying, that like parenting is for women and fags a little bit? Right.

They're like, isn't a two gay men having a kid just a little gay when you think about it? There is something about on the right, like Candace Owens went after Mayor Pete. There's this idea that basically like they have been wanting to attack paternity leave as a concept. And they see a gay man as a great way to do that because it like exposes for them what they see as like fundamentally like women's work. Right. Like, oh, you're going to go do a woman's job raising the children. like women's work, right? Like, oh, you're going to go do a woman's job raising the children.

Do you feel like there was a little bit of that when you had kids that like caring and taking care of the kids was seen as something like not for you? The problem is the job. I work at night. So if I don't take care of my kid, I'm just a shitty person.

Because you have no excuse. Because you're there during the day. Yeah, I'm there. You're just there all day. Yeah. So you have to do something. Or go to rehab or something. Right. Like you can't just... Oh, that's always a all day. Yeah. So you have to do something. Or go to rehab or something. Right. Oh, that's always a

good option if you want to get out of parenting. That's a good way to get out of three weeks. Classic. Classic way out of a three-week tough parenting situation. Rehab. Tried and true. But no, but don't you feel that way that there's an expectation that fathers need to go back to work, they don't really need to do this, and that the fathers that do

are somehow kind of taking advantage of maternity leave. There's that idea that homophobia stems from sexism, right? That people are afraid of the womanization of man, and that's what homophobia comes from. And in that way, I can kind of see the point. They're like, that feels like woman to them. Yeah, totally. Ricky, how are you going to talk about climate change? Me? To a child. Me. Yes, yeah. Yeah. Totally. Ricky, how are you going to talk about climate change? Me?

To a child. Me. Yes, you. You have a child. They're inheriting a world. I just quote Drake, YOLO, kid. Get out there. Get the biggest.

Yeah, that's what you say. You quote Drake, you go, YOLO. You only live once, but maybe not that long. What do we do? Just dance, you little shit. It's all melting. Do you know how similar dancing is to swimming? You're going to need to know how to do that, too.

We live in Queens. The water is rising. It is. That hurricane was bad. We just had one. We just had one. You don't know about that here. Here it's just about smoke.

Yeah, we have the water you need. He took paternity leave since August. Who? Pete Buttigieg. Good for him. You've never expanded a vacation? It does seem like a long paternity leave. Am I alone in feeling like it seems a little long?

Cancel most. Is that a no, don't say that, or a no, you're not alone? We agree with you. They're saying you can't say it. Oh, I can't say that, or a no, you're not alone, we agree with you? No. They're saying you can't say it. Oh, I can't say it. I didn't know. Yeah, it's a perfect, actually, it seems short.

By about 14 years. Now, you may be experts. About? About raising your own children. But we've got some dad-related trivia that's going to be a little more challenging than pretending you have diarrhea so you can hide in the bathroom for an hour and look at your phone. Ricky, you've ever done that? No. You've never pretended to have diarrhea so you can look at your phone for an hour? No, because I have a kid that knows how to work doors, so he'll just walk in that shit and just watch me poop for...

You're not shitting, Dad. Yeah. Get up! Get off TikTok. TikTok's great on the toilet. Do you find that? I don't TikTok. I don't TikTok.

I just watch them. I don't want China in my shit. I don't care. Oh, no. China found out I'm interested in international pastries. Wow. China's really going to be able to do a lot with this information that I will always watch something about a different country's version of a flaky crust.

I don't care. Yep, that's what I want to see. I want to see hot guys singing in harmony and flaky crust. I'm sorry. I'm not with you. I don't look at TikTok because I do not trust that company. I don't want China in my shit. That's why I stick with good old-fashioned American Facebook.

Yeah. A company you can trust. U.S.A. Yeah. U. Yeah. A company you can trust. U.S.A. Yeah. U.S. If somebody's going to spy on my privacy and exploit my identity for the purposes of advertising and marketing, I want it to be happening in the Bay Area. Yes, I want it to be an American cyborg.

That's what I need. Zuckerberg, shout out. Shout out to you, Big Zuck. Big Zuck. That's my guy That's our guy You don't have him here Okay I got a question If you could push a button

And Joe Manchin and what's that other person's name Kirsten Sinema They disappear or Mark Zuckerberg disappears Which button you push him We need him. We need him. They get replaced by Ricky and me. But then again,

Ricky, we've just met. But based on the vibes, I would put you in charge of Facebook right fucking now. Dude, wrong move. Wrong move. I came from a shitty neighborhood. I just love Facebook because I get to watch everybody that ruined my life as a kid. I get to watch them as adults have shitty lives.

And that's how it should be used. Are we under the impression that's not how Mark Zuckerberg is using Facebook? Late at night? That is literally his reason for existing. That's true. All right, all right. Another one for you. Okay.

You push a button. Goodbye, Facebook. Goodbye, filibuster. What you pushing? Wow, that's a really interesting question. See? I think Facebook. I'm with you.

Here's what I would say. It's a question of, do you want to take care of an acute crisis right now, or the thing that is causing the underlying crises we'll be dealing with for the next 20 years. But if we don't fix some of this shit right now, it won't matter what we do in three years because they're going to install Trump by fiat and then we can get rid of all the filibusters and Facebooks we want. It won't matter.

Guess what I'm doing right now? Deleting Facebook? Googling filibuster. You really are from Queens man This is great It's time He really is Googling filibuster I love it

It is time for a quiz We call Daddy's Home I don't like that I'm going to do no more code switching And saying it in my gayest voice humanly possible. Daddy's home. Oh, I loved it. Whoa.

How often do you pull that out? No, that's how he talks. As soon as they stop, they press record, end on the record. That's it. I think the filibuster should be removed. Stop recording. Hey, Tommy, what are we doing? First question for you both.

Let's go. How much paid parental leave of any kind is federally mandated in the U.S.? Oh, this is real trivia. Real trivia. Is there an A, B, or C? No. Two weeks? It's zero.

Oh, wow. Yeah, I figure it's zero. Okay. I didn't get the answer. I'm going to do what you did, though. I'm going to wait for somebody else to say it wrong, and then I figured the right answer. If passed, how many weeks of paid parental leave would Biden's Build Back Better

bill give Americans? I would say two months. Oh, I was going to say two months. I'm going to say six. Eight. It's 12 weeks, but you got it. I've decided. Time for a lightning round.

Already? This is paternity trivia, and you have to tell us which is longer. Okay? Ricky, when it comes to the case of four-year-old Alicia, you are... Not the father. You got it. Googling that. All right.

Which was longer? Kim Kardashian's marriage to Chris Humphries or paternity leave in Slovenia? I would go Slovenia because they weren't together for... Yo, that shit went down fast. You got it. Yo, I fucking felt bad for him because I saw him like two weeks later get out of an Uber and it was a silver Camry. That wasn't...

You're saying it wasn't an Uber Black. He wasn't doing... It was bad. It was back to X. I was like, damn. He had that brief flickering moment when it was like, time for a black. Now it's like, nope, back to Uber X. You're correct. The marriage was 72 days.

Paternity leave in Slovenia is 90 days. Which is longer, the time Felicity Huffman spent in jail or paternity leave in Chile? The jail one. That's correct. Felicity Huffman spent 11 days in jail versus a week of paternity leave in chile uh the jail one that's correct felicity huffman spent 11 days in jail versus a week of paternity leave in chile what is longer the combined length of shows on nbc's thursday night comedy slate in 2011 if you watched every episode or paternity leave in mauritius where's that it's an island where that um that mercenary met with another person to do shenanigans.

Oh, then NBC for sure, if it's there. Yeah, NBC. Correct. There were eight days. The episodes they aired of all of the shows on Thursday in 2011 was eight days. I don't even know what that means. No, I know what it means because it's a Hanukkah tradition at our house. We start the Thursday night NBC comedy slate on the first night with the first candle. We keep watching in a marathon.

I keep my wife and my child up the entire time, and that is how we celebrate the miracle of lights. Ricky, what lasted longer, the impeachment of Donald Trump or paternity leave in the Netherlands? Oh, Netherlands is chill, dude. It lasted longer there. It's very, very close, but Netherlands was six weeks. The impeachment of Trump was

seven weeks. I think it's adding them together. Oh, she said which one. Which impeachment. Give me a point back. Give him a point back. Give him a point back. Thank you. Oh, shit. Hey, give me a point back. Give him a point back. Give him a point back. Thank you. Hey, give me a point back.

Yeah. He tried to use his white privilege. Did you see that? It's all I do. It's all I have. Don't cut that from the show. Keep it in the show. It's my show now. You don't get to do notes

And finally, what was longer? The amount of time the Titanic was above water Or paternity leave in Cambodia It always goes with the funniest thing So the Titanic was longer I'm going the opposite of him You're right, Ricky Ricky!

Some people know how to play this fucking game, loser. Cambodia? No, no, no. Bring the aggression. Paternity leave was 10 days. The Titanic was only floating for five days. But is that counting the Titanic, the whole time that Leo was on the plank of wood?

Yeah, that's what I'm wearing. That was a part of the Titanic. Like the search and rescue part. How many days? Thank you. Give me a point back. Nope. Don't.

Don't. Ari, don't you dare. Don't you dare. Don't you dare. Do not minimize or trivialize this point system. All right? Don't make a mock. Thank you.

I got to tell you, it's a rare producer that can find comedy in the dings and bumps. No, I loved it. I love it. That's impressive. We should all give it up for Ari on the ones and twos. All right.

Motion, Ricky. Thank you so much for our next segment, Little Housekeeping. What a day is celebrating its two-year anniversary next week. That's two years of breaking down the biggest news stories in a way that's hopefully entertaining. It doesn't make you want to cry. Congratulations to Gideon Resnick, Priyanka Arabindi, Travelle Anderson, Josie Duffy Rice,

and the entire team at What A Day for reaching this incredible milestone. New episodes of What A Day drop every weekday, 5 a.m. Eastern. Listen wherever you get your podcasts. And have you ever wondered if the Internet is slowly breaking our brains? And if so, is there anything we can do about it? In Crooked's new series, Offline with Jon Favreau,

you'll hear Jon's candid conversations with newsmakers, political figures, artists, entertainers, and writers about how the Internet shapes the way we live, for better or worse. It's an excellent show. I'm telling you, you will love it. The first episode of Offline with Jon Favreau drops Sunday, October 24th, in the Pod Save America feed. So follow Pod Save America on Apple, Spotify, or wherever you listen. Don't go anywhere.

This is Love It or Leave It, and there's more on the way. I'm incredibly nervous to check in one last time with Brian, but let's see, is Brian here? No sign of Brian. Brian, uh... I'm sorry, pardon! Pardon, I'm so sorry! Oh no! Did I blow it? Am I late?

No, you're okay. I haven't slept in days. Why haven't you slept in days? We've only been doing this for a few hours. Can you please just make a booster cocktail like we talked about? I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I was just making out with like half of Hollywood Boulevard. What are you talking? Your parents are here. I had a Moscow Muller, John.

First, you take your fake vaccine card that's got one dose of Moderna and then you add a black market sputnik chalk that you get on eBay, the Russian vaccine that probably works. And then you waterfall vodka into your mouth. Oh, Brian, no.

Why would a Moscow Muller lead you to make out on Hollywood Boulevard? Because I had like two or three of those. And then I noticed that I could sense who had COVID and who did not. And then like a truffle pig, I was drawn to them. And I realized I'm so immune. I'm so inoculated that I can cure COVID. Oh no.

Like the nanobots in No Time to Die. Okay. And so I thought I'm going to go smooch some tourists and then I'm going tooculated that I can cure COVID. Oh, no. Like the nanobots in No Time to Die. Okay. And so I thought, I'm going to go smooch some tourists, and then I'm going to stop the spread. And then the case count is, like, way lower. CDC, more like CDB, for Brian. Brian, is there any vaccine left? Was there any to begin with?

Are you just drunk? I'm drunk on health. John, why are you yelling at me in front of my friends? John, I thought you'd be proud of me. I am proud of you, Brian. I'm proud of Brian. We're proud of Brian, right? But I just don't think these boosters give you superpowers, and now I feel bad, but do you want to walk offstage

and yell all the cocktail names you didn't get to use? Decoray OC, Hot Toddy Cruise, Margot Redistricting, Bloody Mary Trump, Cosmo Pelosi, Pillow Mansion, Build Back Baybreeze. Producer Brian, everybody. Give it up for Brian's parents. Now it's time for a segment I'm very excited about. The newest and longest James Bond movie, No Time to Die, has finally been released.

And we're so excited to have an actual Bond girl from the film joining us live. Please give a warm welcome to Titsy Malone. Hi, Titsy. Thank you so much. Thank you for having me. Thank you so much for having me. So exciting to be here. My accent is very vague. It's going to go in and out.

So, Titsy, may I call you Titsy? Yes, of course. As I told you, producers, the only name I answer to, my real name is Katya LaCroix Spindrift. That's kind of sexier than Titsy. Well, we all need a stage name, John. A little bit of mystery. It's like how Jamie Foxx's real name is Eric Bishop, the hottest name imaginable.

Wow, it is. So, Titsy. Yes. I went to see No Time to Die in theaters. It was almost three hours long and only felt lightly edited. But I have to say, I don't actually remember seeing you in it. Oh, I thought so, John. I had a feeling they'd cut me right out of the film.

Why? What happened? Well, every new Bond movie prides itself on being more progressive than the last. Oh, Bond is progressive now. He hits a woman. Or, Bond is progressive now. A woman murders a general with her thighs. How nice. Bond didn't surprise that acquaintance with an almost hostile mouth kiss. Even in No Time to Die. Wow, Bond is so progressive. Q has a gay date.

You don't actually see a gay date, of course. That would be gross. Well, that's true. It's entirely off-screen, but when you put it like that, Titsy, Bond doesn't sound very progressive at all. No, and that's what my character, Titsy, was supposed to finally

deliver. An age-appropriate, was supposed to finally deliver. An age-appropriate, authentic, relatable female character who's still younger than Daniel Craig. Look it up. Oh, 51 and fit as a fiddle. It was finally going to bring Bond into the 21st century. And how was it going to do that exactly? Why, by having James Bond escort me to a safe and legal abortion.

Wait. Wait a second. There is a legal abortion in the new James Bond movie? Apparently not, John. Since you said they cut it all out. But yes, at least according to the pages I shot. James Bond was going to drive me to my appointment, wait for me,

then take me to a Starbucks on my way home as a treat. Drive-thru! All right, well, to be perfectly frank, I don't really see how that would have fit into the plot of the film, Titsy. Oh, that's the point, John. It was just something that happened in the movie, and then we naturally moved on to talking about Nanobot Mist or whatever the fuck that movie was about. No, no, you got it. It was Nan something that happened in the movie, and then we naturally moved on to talking about Nanobot Mist or whatever the fuck that movie was about.

No, no, you got it. It was Nanobot Mist. Well, I'm kind of disappointed we didn't get to see that. It really could have changed the game. Oh, that's not the only progressive element in the movie, Joan. Did they include my character's struggle to find affordable childcare for my stepson Cameron? Or my stepdaughter, also named Cameron? Not that I recall.

What about the scene where I first meet James Bond in the wind exile at Costco? Or the one where I seduce him at the Minnesota State Fair by eating a corn dog real slow? Maybe when I

was in the bathroom, but I don't think so. Or the one where James Bond saves my life after I start choking on the last bite of corndog that I had saved in my purse for later. Hold on. Hold on a second. Wrapped in a napkin.

Oh, John, I crushed those scenes. I was irresistible. I was the first Bond girl to have my own catchphrase. All right. All right, Titsy, I'll bite. What was this catchphrase? Castle Road, Freddy. Ah!

Yeah! Castle, of course it was. Of course it was. Oh, John, this really will toast my corndog crust. Getting axed from the flick, though I guess I should have known when they changed the title. I'm afraid to ask. Look out! Here comes Titsy!

That was the working title. These audience have no idea what they're missing. I mean, you saw the movie. What did you think of it? To be honest, you would have been a great addition to it. I'm really sorry you weren't in the film. Oh, God. It's too bad, you would have been a great addition to it. I'm really sorry you weren't in the film. Oh, God. It's too bad, you know? Titsy Malone would have single-handedly rescued the 007 franchise.

Crack open any magazine and everybody's wondering, oh, could the next James Bond be a lady? Oh, could the next James Bond be an Idris Elba? That would be cool. But nobody's asking whether the next Bond girl can be a very, very age-appropriate substitute teacher with an eight-year-old Kia Sorento and a touch of psoriasis. Psoriasis is incurable.

Incurable. It is incurable. It cannot be cured. It can be ameliorated. It's certainly helped by creams. There's palliative measures. But guess what, John? What?

She can. Check out my extensive B-plot about consolidating my crushing medical debt with my pulverizing student loan debt. Do I pull it off barely and badly, John? Tipsy. I'm sorry to tell you this, but... That was cut out too. Wow. I guess the Bond franchise

really isn't interested in being modern. I'm just glad that at the very least, no time to die ends the way it should. With James Bond retiring from his job, realizing state-sponsored espionage does more harm than good, and retiring to raise his child with Jason Buttigieg.

Buttigieg. Buttigieg? Buttigieg. Buttigieg? Buttigieg. So. Oh. I'm sorry.

You didn't go to the premiere, did you? No. No, I didn't. I didn't go. I was arguing with my Kaiser Permanente representative about covering my bunion surgery. Why? Titsy Malone, everybody. Yes!

Maria Bamford. That was incredible. Come on. Thank you so much. Now it's time to end on a high note. Oh, wait, where is Hannah, who has some very exciting news? Hi. This is Hannah. I just got married. Yeah! To this guy.

That's great! Was this something you had planned to do during the pandemic or before the pandemic? During. During. And how long had you been together before the pandemic? Two years? Two years. And then how soon into the pandemic did you realize you were going to be one of the couples that made it?

Next question. After seven years of blood, sweat, and tears of running a startup, this week we saw we'll have our first year in the black. Where is Jen? And I understand that you make e-cigarettes. I make a VCR cleaner congratulations that's cool did it take a lot of hard work?

a couple late nights, one or two one or two late nights? what do you actually do? I try to help newsrooms better listen and pay attention to the public's information needs. Okay, that's cool. Which is surprisingly hard.

Well, congrats. Let's do one more. Where is Aaron? Hey. Aaron, this is obviously a very important high note, and I'm very happy for you. Can you tell us what you've been through and what you want to share? We have an eight-month-old daughter named Juniper, and for the last week, she's been really constipated.

She pooped twice. Yes! Juniper pooped twice. And that's our show. Thank you to Travelle, Alexis, Moshe, Ricky, Maria, and everyone who left a high note. And special thanks to Macy, Solar, Selah, and AJ Warren for making this week's song. There are 380 days until the 2022 midterm elections. Have a great weekend and see you all next week.

Love It or Leave It is a Crooked Media production. It is written and produced by me, John Lovett, and Lee Eisenberg. Kendra James is our senior producer. Hallie Kiefer is our head writer. Jocelyn Coughlin, Pallavi Ganalan, and Peter Miller are the writers. Our associate producer is Brian Semel. Bill Lance is our editor. And Kyle Seglin is our sound engineer.

Our theme song is written and performed by Sure Sure. Thanks to our designers, Jesse McClain and Marissa Meyer, for creating and running all of our visuals, which you can't see because this is a podcast. Thank you.