Lovett or Leave It - Hershel Walker’s aBOOOOOrtions

Episode Date: October 29, 2022

Lovett or Leave It turns L.A.’s Dynasty Typewriter into a Halloween spooktacular during the only week of the year when we don’t mind hearing boos. Lovett inadvertently summons Ivana Trump (Lizzy Cooperman) and you will not believe what’s been going on under that golf course. Tig Notaro stops by to decide which classic movie monster has a limp wrist to go with those sharp fangs and neck bolts. It’s all treats, no tricks when Ed Helms crowns the king of Halloween candy. Kevin Avery and Lizzy Cooperman put the eff off in offensive costumes, and the Rant Wheel transforms into the Fear Wheel for this one magical night only, or until we decide we like the format and want to do it again. For a closed-captioned version of this episode, click here. For a transcript of this episode, please email [e-mail] and include the name of the podcast. 

Hello, Los Angeles. Welcome to Love It or Leave It, Undead or Else, All Hallows' Eve edition. Having done a few laps around Party City, I can't help but notice there isn't a slutty podcaster costume. Yet another reminder of how much work there is left to do before we have a just society. We have a spooky show for you tonight. Tig Notaro is here to rate monsters on the Kinsey scale.

And you'll gag when you find out which ghoul is bi. Ed Helms is here to crown the greatest Halloween candy. And if you look under your chairs, there's a Skittle bag filled with rainbow fentanyl for all of you. Lizzie Cooperman and Kevin Avery try to guess which person was offensive. Plus, it's time for the fear wheel.

Just to note, we will be having a costume contest at the end of the show, so if you are wearing an actual costume and want to potentially win a little prize, you'll be summoned to the stage. If anyone gets on stage without a costume, I swear to God I will tear your throats open and drink your blood. But first, let's get into it. What a week. What a week. This week, a second woman came forward to allege that anti-abortion Georgia Senate candidate Herschel Walker pressured her to have an abortion, saying that Walker personally drove her to a clinic to make sure she went through it against her wishes. Look, behind every great man, there's a great woman he urged to get an abortion.

And behind her, there's another woman he also urged to get an abortion. Behind her? More women, probably. I know we like to poke fun, but of course he went to the clinic with her. His customer loyalty card is just two abortions away from a free yogurt. What? That's your line? I don't even... The woman said she came forward after seeing Walker deny the first woman's claims and that she wasn't doing it for political reasons, saying,

I am a registered independent and I voted for Donald Trump in both elections. I do not believe that Herschel is morally fit to be a U.S. senator, making the first time that being a two-time Trump voter has given anyone extra credibility. Senate Majority Leader and Zabar's Rewards member Chuck Schumer

delivered a Yiddish lesson in a new campaign ad. Schmoes. January 6th, Ashanda. Mishigas. The horrible games those MAGA Republicans play.

He's done it, folks. We've locked down America's undecided Jew. Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas agreed to temporarily freeze an order requiring Senator Lindsey Graham to testify in Georgia, prosecutor's probe of efforts to overturn the 2020 election. In an unusual flourish, Thomas dedicated the order to his wife, Ginny, writing, this one's for my better half. My worst half? It's a toss-up, honestly. We're both nightmares. Love you, babe. Following the speedy resignation of Liz Truss, former British finance minister Rishi Sunak won the race to be leader of the Conservative Party and has become the United Kingdom's first prime minister of color.

The UK is starting to feel like that one friend who keeps trying to introduce you to people it's been on two dates with. I'll meet them when it's serious, Britain. Now, before I dive into the latest news out of Russia, we've got a very special guest to help break it down. It is Halloween, when famous dead people are at their most bookable. And the late former Russian president, Mikhail Gorbachev, has agreed to join us from the spirit world. Our producer, Kendrick, gave me very detailed summoning instructions.

So I have my pentacle drawn on the ground, a circle of salt on the couch, and a song in my heart. Let's give this a whirl. Let's see. I think I'm doing it right. I'm summoning... I'm summoning... Four! Oh, I don't think... Don't think I... I don't think I did that right. Are you...

You are a manager! You okay? Okay. I am not the manager. I need to speak to the manager! Wait, wait. Ivana Trump? What are you doing here? I was summon the manager. I need to speak to the manager. Wait, wait. Ivana Trump? What are you doing here? I was summoning Gorbachev. I slapped him out of the way. I slapped Gorbachev out of the way.

You slapped Gorbachev out of the way. I slapped Gorbachev. I was trying to get Gorbachev and you got him out of the way. I slapped him out of the way. He's playing Battleship. Right now. Listen, I have a prettier forehead than Gorbachev. Yes. Bigger bust.

Okay. And bigger problem. All right, listen. Listen, you help me. Okay. You help me, you understand? Yes. I need this.

Okay, before I die, I say in Seville, do the cremation and scatter my ashes in hot tub at Plaza Hotel. Oh, no. But then I fall down the stairs. Oh, right. Okay. And you know what happens?

Yeah, I do. You got buried on a golf course, Trump's bedminster golf course. Yes, I am buried on golf course. Not even nearby good hall. I am deserving of best hall. The best. Yes, you are. You even nearby good hole. I am deserving of best hole. The best. Yes, you are. You deserve the best hole.

And I've always said that. But Ivana, I can't help you with that. I'm just some guy. I think you're buried there for tax reasons. No, you must fix. Okay. You must fix. All right.

In my grave, it is like A&E hoarders. Down there, there is a stack of stolen documents with the top secret. I read them all. It's very boring. Extremely dry. Also,

10 years of the tax return. They're in there. You're buried in the golf course with tax returns. I am buried with the H&R. I am buried with the 1099. You understand? You all understand? I was freelance.

I was a freelancer. Oh, so not like a W-2. You understand? Find me on LinkedIn. It's not a W-2. It's a 1099. It's freelance. Also. Vana freelance. Also,

also, I am buried with whole box of phones belonging to Rudy Giuliani. Oh, that's where the phone, that's where Rudy's old phone went. I have Verizon. I have the sidekick,

the one that opened the old way. I have Flip. You want Flip? You can talk to me. All day, all night, the phones are ringing. I have flip. You want flip? You can talk to me. All day, all night, the phones are ringing. They're ringing. The Rudy phones are ringing.

The flip phone. The ringtones. Who let the dogs out? Who? Who? Answer me. And you can't, yeah. Can you do anything about them?

Are you just dead? I can silence. You just sit there. I sit there. And you know what I do? What? I watch the pee-pee tape. I sit there and you know what I do? What? I watch the pee pee tape. Oh god. That's what I do.

That does sound. Pee pee tape's in there. Sounds awful. Every Trump steak that did not sell at the shop or image. Jesus. That's a packed coffin. So just to catch people up, it's the tax returns, the top secret documents, Rudy's phone phone the pee tape and the old stakes

the stakes there's T-bones there's a ribeye ribeye and I have restless leg syndrome oh no and I can't even jerk my legs in my own golf course grave

I have nerve damage you understand yeah right nerve damage I'm trapped in a rotting meat tomb. I am stuck in a Fodd Rocker's underground. Do you understand? Also.

Yeah. What else? Yeah, what else? There is a bag of cocaine. A bag of cocaine? That Donald Trump Jr. drops in accident during my funeral. Yikes. Okay.

Well, he is your son. And now we are imagining a son at his mother's funeral. So I think this has probably gone far enough. I'm just not sure how to unsummon you. So I'm just going to do what I did earlier and see if it'll get you sucked back into hell. Is this anything? No.

No, no, no, no. No, no, wait, wait, wait. No! Please don't do this. I'm doing it. Please, please don't uns wait, wait. No. Please don't do this. I'm doing it. Please. Please don't unsummon me. We gotta keep going.

You must dig up Steve Bannon's old mattress. That's so gross. He dumps it in the grave and it is smelling like diapers. You gotta get up. You gotta go back to hell. No. Ivana Trump, everybody. That was weird.

Guess we'll never know what happened in Russia this week. Moving on, on Tuesday, Lieutenant Governor John Fetterman took on TV snake oil salesman Dr. Oz in one of the most highly anticipated debates of the midterms. Fetterman was quick to acknowledge his trouble, saying that though he might miss some words during this debate, mush two words together, but it knocked me down, but I'm going to keep getting back up. Meanwhile, Dr. Oz had this to say about abortion access. I want women, doctors, local political leaders, letting the democracy that's always allowed our nation to thrive, to put the best ideas forward so states can decide for themselves.

It's like we're always saying, health care should be between a patient, a doctor, and the glad-handing sociopath from your high school who said he wanted to be president since the fourth grade. After the debate, Republicans and pundits pounced on Fetterman's halting performance, calling it painful to watch and confidently predicting that voters would see it as an indication that Fetterman was unfit to serve in the Senate. And they're right. Americans want a senator who doesn't pause once as he smoothly orders a mass puppy murder. We can't have a guy with lingering auditory issues in the Senate, they cried. What if he can't keep up with Dianne Feinstein's rapid fire screwball dialogue? House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy even went on Fox News to call Fetterman an embarrassment.

Because even Democrat consultants, even those Democrats on CNN, were embarrassed of who their nominee was and the capability of carrying out the job. This is a big job in the Senate. It's a big job in the House. It's a huge job in the White House. Insisted McCarthy, strokes are a crutch. I'm out here making no sense by my lack of wits alone. Meanwhile, with the release of her 10th album, Midnight, Taylor Swift has shattered Spotify's record for the most streamed album in a single day. The release wasn't without controversy, though. A shot from the anti-hero music video in which Swift stands on a scale

read fat, which caused backlash amongst critics who said that it promoted fat phobia. The offending scale has since been edited out of the video on Apple Music, but I'm not sure how we should feel about the replacement. For those listening at home, we've changed it to say Jew. On Tuesday, Adidas and Gap

finally broke ties with Kanye West over anti-Semitic rants, with Gap vowing to remove West's clothing collaboration from their stores. Frankly, I don't know why Gap ever agreed to sell those armbands in the first place.

Let's get tough. Peloton also reached out to concerned members this week to let them know that they would no longer use Kanye's music in newly produced classes. I say keep it in. We're trying to get our heart rates up, you know?

I think it's fine. Wait a second. Wait a second. Let's talk about this for two minutes. Is that it? We can't have the songs in fucking exercise classes? We're not anti-Semites. They're good songs to run to.

On Thursday, CNN reported that four separate sources revealed to them that Ye's 2018 album, which was released under the title Ye, was originally supposed to be called Hitler. He decided to drop the title when he learned it was also the name of an infamous German dictator. Elon Musk closed

his deal to buy Twitter on Friday, but sought to assure advertisers that Twitter will not become a free-for-all hellscape where anything can be said with no consequences. Said Musk, I saved that for my marriages. You know, I think we usually like to have a mix of hard jokes and kind of lighter ones, and we're just

pummeling you today. I didn't really, you know, I sometimes find out I was in a mood once the show begins. Friends actor Matthew Perry revealed a deep, baffling dislike for Keanu Reeves. What's wrong? Don't worry, he didn't say anything anti-Semitic. We're okay. If that's what you were afraid of.

He's okay. He's okay. He just revealed a baffling dislike for Keanu Reeves. He reportedly includes the line, why is it that the original thinkers like River Phoenix and Heath Ledger die, but Keanu Reeves still walks among us? What a fucking detour to take a swing at sweet Keanu Reeves. In an apology statement to People magazine, Matthew Perry said,

I'm actually a big fan of Keanu. I just chose a random name. My mistake. I apologize. I should have used my own name instead. Could my editor be any more useless?

Besides, you can't throw Keanu under the bus. He'll catch you and take your damn head right off. In his new memoir, YouTube frontman Bono finally apologized for forcibly injecting the band's album Songs of Innocence

into iTunes libraries in 2014 it's about time he continued my weird later stage art should be forcibly injected in one place only and that's speaker Nancy Pelosi's email inbox. Do you remember when Bono and Tim Cook were on stage at that event, and it was this weird thing where they were going to make everybody

get the album at the same time, and then they didn't work through what they were going to do together on stage, and so then the two of them end up standing side by side, and they don't want to shake hands. That feels too formal. So they kind of go to grab hands, but that doesn't feel right. And so they end up grabbing hands above their heads and then touching fingers. And I really do think about that finger touch.

Like I would lie if I said it was once a week. It's once a day because it was the way their hands went up and then their fingers touched. And I really do think it's like a signal moment in the history of American culture. Like, that was it. That was when, like,

music and tech and our society, like, it was the death of the monoculture and the rise of whatever the fuck kind of hellscape nightmare society we live in. It was the fingers touching

that did it. Keepin' goin'. You're probably wondering what I'm dressed as. And I'll tell you, it's obvious, isn't it? It's my favorite shoes, black skirt, and a free cowboy hat I got from the Westworld premiere.

Speaking of Pope Francis, speaking of... What did that mean? Speaking of, Pope Francis, that's how it was supposed to go. Speaking of, Pope Francis, that's how it was supposed to go. Speaking of, Pope Francis warned a group of seminarians this week to beware of the vice of pornography while using social media tools. Said the Pope, it's a vice that so many people have, so many laymen, so many laywomen, and also priests and nuns. The devil enters from there.

The devil enters, and he has this pizza box. So it seems like he's just the delivery guy, but then you realize you don't have any money to pay for the pizza. And you'll have to compensate him some other way. And finally, last week on The View, Joy Behar casually told her co-host that she had sex with a few ghosts.

I've heard of ghost busting, but ghost busting? I've heard of ghost busting, but ghost busting? I've heard of ghost busting, but ghost busting? One more time. I've heard of ghost busting, but ghost busting? Thank you. When we come back, pure conjecture about which fictional creatures want to fuck. Thank you. Now a word

from our sponsors. October is known as spooky season, but America as a whole seems to be entering a spooky season of interminable length. It could be an eternal spooky season. If everyone doesn't go to votesaveamerica.com right now and register to vote and help get their friends and family out to vote in November. And look, here's the thing. If you don't do it, if you don't sign up, I will show up at your house in a hockey mask and a chainsaw. It's just going to be one of those nights. Let's just keep going. With Halloween in mind, Love It or Leave It

is also spine-tinglingly excited to be partnering with some new sponsors this week befitting America entering its perma-spooky era for example this weekend

Merrymakers the nation over will be relying on rideshare apps to deliver them safely to and from their festivities unfortunately

prices on Uber and Lyft have been skyrocketing which is why Love It or Leave It is proud to advertise a new option for the gal on the go, Uber Herschel Walker. Enter your location and Herschel Walker will

promptly arrive to drive you to an abortion appointment, provided you are or have ever been in a relationship with Herschel Walker. Now you might be thinking, Love It, how many people could possibly use this ride share app? Well, dear listener, based on the news this week, I think you'd be surprised. Uber Herschel Walker. Now, you might be thinking, Lovett, how many people could possibly use this ride share app? Well, dear listener, based on the news this week, I think you'd be surprised.

Uber Herschel Walker, honestly, this is like maybe one good thing about him. Hey, don't go anywhere. There's more of Lovett or Leave It coming up. And we're back. It's time to get spooky with our next guest.

Please welcome back to the show, Tig Notaro! Hi, Tig. How are you? Good to see you. Good to see you. How you doing? I'm doing well. How are you? I'm in a state.

Are you a horror person? No. Shit. You don't like scary movies? I don't like them. No. Should I go home? What are your feelings on Alfred Kinsey?

Pretty good. You know about the Kinsey scale? Mm-hmm. I'm on it. Hell yeah. Yeah, me too. Yeah. You look like you might be.

I would say even more so than I am. You think? Yeah, yeah. That outfit says that, you know. Weren't we all on it in a sense? Yeah, but you... More on it. Yeah.

It's your sweet spot. It's your place, you know? Now, you know what would have been better than Taylor Swift stepping on a weight scale? How cool would it be if she had finally stepped on a Kinsey scale? But then we didn't get to see where it landed and all the people on TikTok

that think Taylor Swift is secretly gay and sending the messages through the mail would be like, ah. But you preface that with you know it would be funny. Everybody give it up for Tig Notaro. I forgot how much I love you, to be honest.

Really? Yes, and I shouldn't ever forget that. But also, why do people think she's gay? Oh, please. Even though she wrote that song about Tim McGraw? What? I think that if you look closely in this, if you look at some of the basically there's a

kind of QAnon like phenomenon of people combing through the lyrics and finding patterns and circling words and letters and like so for example if you go through all of her catalog the words L, G, B, and T actually appear pretty frequently in a lot of the songs

and people point to that and say, well, that's one example. Also, she was friends with a hot woman, and people assumed that they kissed a lot. That's really important to it. And by the way, I'm in on it, by the way. I'm pretending because I try to seem like normal, but I'm one of these people that thinks that there's secret messages in the lyrics, 100%. I'm not even

joking. And one thing that I think is fun about the branding is if you think Taylor Swift might be queer, you're a gayler. But if you think she's not, you're a Hetler. Tough, right? Good branding. You want to be a Hetler? It's one letter off. From what?

Now it's time for a game we call gay as hell queer as hell raiser in which we're going to rank horror movie monsters on the Kinsey scale alright are you ready I am alright just as a reminder hold on a second now I'm ready for those of us who haven't taken a gender studies class since 2002,

the Kinsey scale runs from zero to six, with zero being exclusively heterosexual and six being exclusively homosexual. Kinsey also added X to denote asexual people, and we want to shout out our ace icons, the Cloverfield Monster and Jean Jacket from Jordan Peele's Nope. Tig. Yes?

Are you ready? Yeah. We did that already. Yeah. Then let us begin. Okay. The Wolfman. That's the 1960s Wolfman. Uh-huh. This little tiny head. Yeah. Do you remember him? He's kind of... Oh, yeah. No, no, no. I remember

him. You know what's weird is when you asked me if I liked horror, I don't. But my first job when I moved to Los Angeles, I worked for Sam Raimi, the director.

Sorry to bother you. He does horror films. Did he make Spider-Man? He did Evil Dead and Dark Spider-Man? But he also He did Evil Dead And Darkman Oh so you've seen Some of these films

No You haven't seen any of them No I just answered the phone And did a poor job assisting I can see that Yeah That's not gonna be

Something you excel at No No I don't think you bring A kind of Helpful attitude To the phone I'm a terrible

person no no come on um you think he's gay or not it's time to answer hey do you think this wolf head is gay or not judge this wolf man by his cover the book uh man's face pig dog is pig dog pig dog is it's pig dog pig dog um I would say that is um I think he's mostly gay really I think he's pretty gay

I think you don't mmm I started to think he was very hetero but then I saw the hairstyle.

Yeah. And I would say... He skulks through the woods. Yeah. What if we get this wrong? The stakes are pretty high. Yeah, you got it right. If you get it wrong, it sucks.

It's pig dog, so... Yep, it's pig dog for sure. Okay, I'm going to... You're going to need an answer. I'm going to say pig dog is... You got to pick something. This is like one of those menus where there's too many options. It's six options, famously.

He could be asexual. You can give him an X. If you want. X. Wow. The wolf man's in the alley with a thing of flowers. He just threw them in the garbage. Did you hear the three claps I got, though?

That's what we do it for. Huh? Yeah. This. Next up, we have Nosferatu. The vampire. He was once. X. That one was easy.

That's another X. That one was easy. That one was easy. All right. Up next, Frankenstein's monster. I mean. Zero. Wow, exclusively heterosexual.

Yeah. Exclusively heterosexual. Now, that raised an interesting question. What about Frankenstein's monster's bride? Well. Three. I heard a three from the crowd. Wait, did I say hetero?

I did. You did. All right. I meant to say hetero, and I would say that she is... What do you think? Is this all up to me? I can help. I mean, I'm trying to be sort of respectful.

I want to hear your views. I was sort of hoping you would express an opinion that I would express an opinion, but you kind of just stare at the screen for a while. And so I'm sort of caught off guard because I don't want to seem too abrasive. You think you're caught off guard. I left my family tonight and came down to this theater and am rating monster movie, movie monsters on the Kinsey scale.

You think I'm not a little caught off guard? We send the ideas in advance, right? I don't read my emails. Okay. Okay. And so I am very caught off guard. Well, I guess what I would say is, what do you need right now to feel supported?

Do you want more of me, less of me? I'm here for you as a host. I always want more of you. I'm going to put this woman's head. I think that she has a genuine love for Frankenstein, but I think that she could also fall in love with a lot of different kinds of monsters. So I'm going to say two.

I think she's mostly heterosexual, but more than slightly homosexual. What do you think? Sure. I can't imagine choosing to fight over that. I don't know if it's because I'm 51 and a half, but it's like a choose your battles type thing. What do you want to fight with me about?

I just love you. Oh, you do? I do. I think you're hilarious. I think you're adorable. I think you're so smart. I just love you. But I want to wrestle you.

Where are you on the scale alright let's keep going you don't have to answer that it's not a real scale we're only rating monsters I'll let you know when my head appears I'll be like

oh that's where that's me right there next up we have Freddy Krueger Freddy Krueger haunts right there. Next up, we have Freddy Krueger. Freddy Krueger haunts your dreams.

I feel like that is zero. Zero. Yeah. Sort of incel energy. Somebody sounded like

they fell off a cliff back there. They're so upset. Oh. All right. Now we have... Oh, I really came here to hear Freddy Krueger rank elsewhere. Yeah.

I didn't come all the way to Koreatown to find out Freddy Krueger doesn't like guys. What is this fucking bullshit? Oh. Disappointed. I paid for this. Next up. I got a mouthful of Skittles. We have Pinhead from the original Hellraiser.

Never seen the guy. That's him. Really scary. I would prefer if he walked in over pig dog. If pig dog was loose in my house. I think Hellraiser is bi. Don't you think? Right?

That just feels right. So we're going to put Hellraiser at three. But now we have the pinhead from the 2022 Hellraiser. What conservatives believe is woke Hellraiser, because it's now a lady or it's just not a guy. It might be a non-binary Hellraiser. Do we know what they've said Hellraiser has become? The point is conservatives are upset. They're saying, oh, everyone knows that Hellraiser's a man.

Everyone knows Hellraiser is not in Blue Man Group. That's what I've heard people say. Did you ever see the movie Splice? No. Is it a horror film? Yeah, it reminds me of that. Well, should we move on? You ever see the movie Splice? No. Is it a horror film? Yeah. It reminds me of that. Well, should we move on?

I think this Hellraiser is gay. This Hellraiser is gay. Six on the scale. Six on the scale. I feel like you're not even checking with me anymore. You know, look. What? You and I have had these conversations.

Yeah. When I try to make space for you, you say that I'm not supporting you, I'm not showing up, I'm not participating. And then when I do participate, you say that I'm doing it wrong. We've never met. So we email you and say, hey, we have this great idea for a Halloween segment. We're going to rate horror movies. And you say, great, what time should I be there? And at no point do you ever respond and say,

I've never seen a horror movie in my entire fucking life. The most classic and iconic characters in the history of horror. Every single damn one. And you don't know who any of these people are. And at no point in the producing of this show did it occur to you to say, one note, Tim Curry Pennywise, he's a fucking four. Now let's go to the Skarsgård one.

Skarsgård's a five. What are we just plowing through with no thought? I was looking forward to this shepisode. This shepisode? Oh, man. Do you even like me? I love you. I fucking love you.

I'm such a fan of yours. I'm over here. I'm over here. That's what makes... I'm over here. I'm over here. Let's wrap it up. I have a hard out in five minutes.

In the biz, that means I gotta go. Yeah, but everybody says they have a hard out, but they don't mean it. They just want to leave. No, I don't really have a family. Who on earth has ever had an 8.25 p.m. hard out?

Finally. There's more. No, I... Yeah, I know. I was trying to get you home to your family. What about Slash? Slash?

That's... That's the fucking Babadook. That is the Babadook. Okay, and we know zero. Slash is 100% straight. No. No. It's widely known that the Babadook is 100% straight. No. It's widely known that the Babadook is a gay icon. It's widely known.

So am I. Family knows family. The best. Me? Yeah. I'm simply the best. It says, thank you so much, Tig. Plug. Is there a plug you want to do? Well, I have a podcast called Don't Ask Tig. And I also have a podcast called Tig and Cheryl True Story. I also wrote a book called I'm Just a Person. I have several stand-up specials. I...

A plug. Is there anything, like, one thing that's newish that you want? Just one of them? I did Premium Blend on Comedy Central 24 years ago. Wow, that's cool. Thank you so much. Tig Notar,

everybody. This is a blast. The best. We come back. Ed Helms is here. And we're back. Here to help us pick the king of candies, the emperor of edibles, the sultan of sugar this Halloween. Why? It's the sweetest man in Hollywood.

It's Ed Helms. Ed Helms, everybody. Good to see you. Thanks for being here. Hello, hello. Ed, we just did a segment with Tig Notaro about iconic horror films. And then it was revealed that she hasn't seen any of them. You're familiar with Candy.

Care what? And then it was revealed that she hasn't seen any of them. You're familiar with candy. What? It's candy. Candy. It's like can do, but with a Y at the end. You know dessert? Sure. It's like dessert you can keep in your pocket. I know what candy is.

Ed, what for your money is the best Halloween candy you can get, and what is the worst? Ed, what for your money is the best Halloween candy you can get, and what is the worst? I would say that the best Halloween candy is a full-sized Baby Ruth candy bar. Nice. Or Butterfinger. Butterfinger.

Interesting. Interesting. It's kind of a tie. Interesting. But that was apparently very controversial. Butterfinger. Yeah, I consider Butterfinger niche. What do you think? What's the worst?

Oh, here's a question. Sorry. Before I have a question for your question. Is Butterfinger peanut butter or toffee? Oh, I always thought it was peanut butter. Me too. And I almost got in a fist fight with someone recently. Because they...

It was Tig Notaro. They say... She is my arch rival. It's called butter. It's called butter. But butter is one of the main ingredients of toffee, so it's controversial. Do people think it's toffee? Someone told me that. Is it or is it?

What do you think? Peanut butter, right? Just butter. It's just butter. Just butter. Let's talk about the Baby Ruth. Okay. And you think that's a better candy bar than the tried and true Snickers, the Patriots candy bar

I love a Snickers but I just think for some reason on Halloween a Baby Ruth feels more special, more substantial a Snickers, they're kind of a dime a dozen I mean they're great it's a fantastic candy but the Baby Ruth is like

it's bumpier it is bumpier and It is bumpier. It is bumpier. And that's something important about it. What do you think about the 100 grand? Which is, again, it's another version of the same thing, really. It's quite similar to me. Is it not? How dare you? It's not. People are saying it's not.

Yeah. Get the fuck out of here with that blasphemy. 100 grand is a caramel forward. It's more caramel forward hundred grand is a caramel forward. It's more caramel forward. It's more caramel forward. With notes of crunch. Raisins.

What are they doing around Halloween? Get the fuck out of here. Get out of here. My Halloween candy. That was my mom. My mom was the one giving out boxes of raisins. Boo! Hey, I can be mad at my mom.

Don't you dare boo my mom. But yeah, she gave out a lot of healthy stuff. And with that, let's dig in. Shall we? It's a segment we're calling Hell Raisin and Raisin Hell. We have a bracket. We're going to have to weigh in on the ultimate candy Halloween. We're going to crown the winner.

And the winner will get crowns, you know? Because of teeth. Because, like, crowns. Like dental. Oh, dental crowns. Because of candy. I thought you were saying because of tea. Teeth.

That you drink. Because of the tea that you drink. We have a lot of candy in this bag, which we can eat or not eat. And if you need to be reminded what candy tastes like. Ed, are you ready? Yes. All right. First up, we have Twizzlers versus Sour Punch Straws.

Sour Punch Straws! All right, West Coast. I know Twizzlers. This is basically a Sour Patch Kid that has been run over. It's kind of gruesome. It's different. But it's different. I don't think I've even ever had a Sour Punch. Oh. Oh, yeah. of gruesome. It's different. But it's different. I don't think I've even

ever had a Sour Punch. Oh, yeah. You're right. It is different. Yeah. It's more like a Twizzler with sour stuff on it. That's good.

This is really good. Are we saying it beats a Twizzler? Beats a Twizzler. It beats a Twizzler. Yeah. Next up. Oh, that was awesome

We have Reese's Peanut Butter Cups versus York Peppermint Patty I mean I don't even Do you want to try one? Do you need to try either of these? Are you a mid man? I need a refresher of that cool refreshing York Peppermint Patty Got a York Peppermint Patty for you I want to see what sensation I get That's an old commercial reference

Kids I'm with you. I remember. Boy, is that good. Oh, man, is that good. You like that? I think it's gross. I think it's ad wizards. Those ad wizards trying to fool us into eating toothpaste for snacks.

It does taste like toothpaste. You're right. Now I hate it. You just ruined it for me. Reese's for the win. Peanut butter cups for the win. Almond Joy versus peanut M&Ms. Yeah, come on.

That's a no-brainer. Come on. Honestly, I like coconut, but not in my candy bars. I find it infuriating. Are there Almond Joy people here? But why is it called Almond Joy when the primary flavor is coconut? Well, because Almond Joy has nuts in Mount Stone. Well, that's a great point.

You Almond Joy people can eat shit. Peanut M&M's rule. Gummy Bears versus Sour Patch Kids. Wow. This is a very unified audience. Yeah, they have the palate of children. Gummy bears. A Sour Patch Kid is a gummy bear with a flourish.

Yeah. Well, they're people. Right? They're kids. You're eating children. You are eating children. And that's fucked up. That is fucked up.

What do you think? I think. Could we not have figured out a better way to do this than a loose bag of candy? Ed Helms is here. By the way, how did this, where, did, you got this bag out of a 1975 YMCA? Like, how did this, are there gym socks in there? It was part of a VIP merch bag we once made in 2019. Oh, it's a branded bag.

I'm so sorry. But as you can see, there were several leftovers from the 2019 edition. Ah, yes. And if you win the costume contest, guess what? This is the prize. So I see the skipper out there. I'm rooting for you, maybe, depending on what the other two are wearing. What do you think?

Sour Patch or Gummy? Well, the answer to this one is Gummy Bears. Okay, I'll give it to you. I'm okay with that. I'm okay with that. I made a strong case, but I'll give it to you. I like a Sour Patch, kid. Starburst versus Swedish Fish.

Starburst. Wow. Wow. What's your Starburst flavor? I will fight a Swedish fish person right now. Starburst flavor? Well, first of all, it's a texture thing. The Starburst is so chewy.

So chewy. It's like the perfect chew. It's a lot of chew. So they're all amazing. And as a kid, and sometimes as an adult, I will see how many I can fit into my mouth and chew at once. Yeah, you did die when you did that. and everything since has been a ghost-like experience. Yes.

No one can see you but me. I'm on an astral plane. Yeah. I star-bursted. He star-bursted. Yeah. What's your flavor? I'm going to say lemon.

Wow. Yeah. Wow. Oh, my God. That's what makes America great. What? Somebody was so freaked out by that There really are There are citrus people

There are red people And then there are fucking sick freaks That like strawberry The absolute sickest of freaks I wouldn't let a person Who goes for the strawberry Starbucks Watch my dog I wouldn't let you watch my laptop

At a coffee shop You are sickos That is a sick flavor Starburst watch my dog. I wouldn't let you watch my laptop at a coffee shop. You are sickos. That is a sick flavor. Starburst wins. It's an easy win. That's an easy win. Starburst, do you want a Snickers versus 100 grand? Let me try it. Let me try it. Let's be reminded of the

100 grand. They're so expensive, these candy bars. Oh, it's not like a Snickers. That was wrong. Wow. It's not like a Snickers. That was wrong. It's good, though. That's so good. But is it as good as a Snickers?

You know what? I do like 100 grand, but the Snickers really satisfies. Nice. Send this to the Snickers people. See if you can get anything going. God, that's good, though. Next up, it's the multiple candy bars in one thing bracket.

It's time for Kit Kats versus Twix. It's interesting. It's interesting. It's interesting. Paranormal's going to win every time. So that argues for the Twix. Yeah, that's right. That's not even close. Twix. Twix. Twix. Twix. argues for the Twix. Yeah, that's right. That's not even close.

Twix, Twix, Twix, Twix, Twix, Twix. How do you eat a Twix? Do you just like take a bite and then chew on it or do you... I want to know what's the other option. I prefer mine suppository. Yeah, I take a bite, I chew on it.

I'm having such a hard time chewing this 100-gram bar. I can't even talk. Wow, that is like really thick caramel. Okay, so... How does one eat a Twix? How do you eat a Twix? I am weird, but I eat a Twix by biting the caramel part off and separating it from the cookie

and chewing on the caramel and then eating the cookie. Wow. And if you haven't done it that way, you're going to now. And you're going to be like, that Ed Helms is a genius. I don't think, oh, here's the Twix. I'm not going to eat that way in front of these people. But I just want you to know.

Oh, this is a left Twix, by the way, which I think is fun. They tell you which side it's from. Just a little bit of marketing, you know? Right there. I'm going to try it that way later if that sounds interesting. It's like you made it two desserts in a way, in a sense. It's like it's two courses. It's two courses.

Twix wins. Next up, Milky Way versus Plain M&M's. Wow, that's a first seed versus a whatever. Plain M&M's. Who eats Plain M&M's anymore Who eats plain M&M's anymore? Yeah. I don't think so. The last time my plain M&M's were even in my life was as a reward to my toddler

for going to the bathroom. That's like the only thing people use M&M's for now. Right? Did you line them up like E.T. to get them to go to the bathroom or is it after they went? No, it's after a number two, they get an M&M. One M&M?

Yeah. Parenthood. It's a mystery to me. Yeah. And I'm not saying it's a good thing to do. I just, it's... I like it. Yeah, it worked.

And it worked. For potty training. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to my podcast about potty training your children with M&Ms. We'll be right back. All right. Let's now we're in the what do you call it when it's one, two, three, four, eight. It's the elite eight. All right.

Sour Patch versus Reese's Peanut Butter Cup. What do you think? Yeah, I'm going to take Reese's. Yeah. No, you're wrong. It reese's uh audience member peanut m&ms versus gummy bear it's this is the chocolate versus fruit this is you know it's these things a tough one you know it's hard to say it's a mood thing as well it's sort of this sweet versus savory i'm gonna go with peanut m&ms okay like as i support that that is such a staple in my life.

I'm losing. You guys all filled out your final four brackets ahead of time. Now remember, this is a Squid Game situation and half of these people will not see tomorrow. Oh my god. High stakes. Starbursts versus Snickers. Wow. Wow.

Again, for me, it's a savory choice Yeah I agree We gotta go Snickers Come on It's basically a meal substitute Alright It's caramel on caramel violence It's Twix vs Milky Way

Twix Wow you know what I like our final four I like the feeling of it. They're all a little similar. Yeah. Yeah. Okay.

Wow. So now we are in the final four. It's Reese's Peanut Butter Cups versus Peanut M&M's. It's Snickers versus Twix. I feel like there's nothing like a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup. You know? Don't you think? A Peanut M&M is just kind of looking at that Reese's Peanut Butter Cup and is just like, turn me into that.

Okay. You know what I mean? Like, grind me up and make me something better. Sure. But a peanut M&M is lots of different colors. That's true. That's fun. They're crunchy.

They are. They are crunchy. I feel like eating a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup is often messier than you want you want it to be that's true it's like getting it out of that little fucking paper cup is yeah what's that really it's a mess what's that paper doing there and like just the it gets on your fingers and you can just dump a bag of m&ms in your mouth no problem and you can take a bag of peanut m&ms and put them in the popcorn yeah Yeah, people do that. I think this might be an upset. Yeah, Peanut M&M's. Peanut M&M's defeats

fan favorite first seed. You're supposed to what? You're supposed to refrigerate them. You son of a bitch. It's true. I meant to tell you, that's Frank Reeses. He's a fucking billionaire and a bitch. It's true. I meant to tell you, that's Frank Reeses. He's a fucking billionaire and a prick.

All right. Snickers versus Twix. Snickers. Snickers. Snickers. Yes. Yes. Yes.

What? It's the classic. Well, now they're so upset. They're so angry. Some people are so angry and some people are just so angry that we're still talking about candy yeah that's part of the fun okay wow

it's down to the Snickers versus peanut M&M's should we see what the audience let's poll them okay yeah we're gonna poll you but please please be respectful

don't over applaud to try to help your side you know a similar range Snickers peanut M&M's Please, please be respectful. Don't over-applaud to try to help your side, you know? A similar range. Snickers. Peanut M&M. That is surprising.

Snickers. Peanut M&M's. Well, I think it's pretty clear that Snickers won. Oh my gosh, they're coming at you with pitchforks and torches. If you wanted this to be democracy, you should have done this five years ago. I agree, especially when you're doing the Halloween version, because you get the trick-or-treat baggie of peanut M&Ms is a joke. There's like three in there.

Yeah, there's nothing in there. Yeah, and the nothing in there. Fun size Snickers is awesome. Fun size Snickers rules. I don't go over the snack size one. The little tiny ones? Get those out of there. Get them out of there. Keep them fun. Keep them fun size. We're trying to have fun here. Now, before we let you go, you have a brand new podcast called SnapFu

where you're looking at some of history's biggest fuck-ups. It's awesome. Can you just tell people about it? Yeah. Oh, I'm very excited to talk about it. It's called Snafu. First season just came out. It's about this crazy thing called Able Archer 83.

It's a true story where NATO had a military exercise that really scared the Russians in 1983 during the Cold War. And we came like very scarily close to an actual nuclear war. And nobody knows about this. And it's something that is sort of just recently declassified and is a really exciting

and darkly hilarious story. And so check out the podcast. And if you like it, leave a review. And they think the second season may be about this episode of Love It or Leave It, which is really exciting. Everybody go check out

Snafu and Elms. Thank you so much. Thank you. We'll be back for the farewell. Halloween is all about candy and candy is all about putting aside your worries to enjoy a brief moment

of pure, simple sweetness. Until now. This episode of Love It or Leave It is brought to you by Reese's Limited Edition Climate Apocalypse Peanut Butter Cups. If you like their classic

seasonal shapes like pumpkin and ghost, you'll love sinking your fangs into a spooky, scary shape like Devastating Tsunami and Calvin Glacier. That unbeatable chocolate peanut butter combo

now paired with an unceasing awareness of the most horrifying crisis of our time, a kind of low hum of permanent worry that casts a pall over the very experience

of being alive. Reese's limited edition climate apocalypse peanut butter cups because not all of us have time to throw clam chowder at a Monet. It's going to take a lot of soup and a lot of art to fix this crisis. They said,

marching into the Guggenheim. And we're back. It's Halloween, and you know what that means. It's time for the annual drawing where a few lucky celebrities post a picture of a gobsmacking costume revealing shockingly poor taste on one or multiple axes. Here to discuss the wildly misguided Halloween decisions of the famous and powerful, who are, as we all know, better,

it's the hilarious Kevin Avery and the amazing Lizzie Cooperman. Hi. Come on in. Nice to meet you, Lizzie. Oh, it's a pleasure. Seeing you for the first time. Kevin, welcome. Hey, well, thank you.

What's your most offensive Halloween costume? The most offensive one that I did? Well, when I was in seventh grade, my mother dressed me as a sex worker. And she was like, I'm sure we have some jewelry lying around the house. And I was with a

friend, and she dressed us both like that. And that friend was not a lot... Is this too serious for the show? No, it's good. It's good. I'm like, I was on the streets. I've hardened New Hope, Minnesota. Seventh grade. Seventh grade and my mom, for whatever reason,

may she rest in peace, had this idea to dress us this way and then that friend was not allowed to hang out with me for a while. I think that's cool. Thank you. Kevin, did you ever dress up as a sex worker when you were in middle school? Every year.

That was my thing. No, I didn't go. That takes some imagination. I was like Batman every year. One year I was a drunk dad. And all that was, it was me me and my underwear just some boxer briefs like uh an old t-shirt with some spaghetti stains on it and a robe and uh a tall boy like cores and a bat and i walked around and i i was supposed to go to a party like that and then i

don't know what happened but uh it was just way too easy to sit at home. And I was like, this is just what I wear at the house. And so I just hung out and chilled. You just were that. I just was that. That's just what you were. Yeah, crack open that beer.

I didn't do anything with a bat, but you know. That's cool. Can I say something in my mother's defense because she's not here to defend herself? I think you probably have to. I have to. I feel like at the time, which was 1943, people would be like, I'm a hobo.

And that was accepted as a Halloween costume. For sure. That was a lot of hobos. Well, that was the easy costume because you just would go to the yard, you'd get a stick, you'd get a bandana, and then your mom would put makeup on you to make you look dirty. Right. And then you had the bindle. Yes. And a hat, and you were done. Did you say the bindle? A bindle. Wow, okay.

That's what that's called, right? Yes. We're still allowed to say, we can say bindle. Right? It's called unsacked. When I was a kid, amazingly, nobody figured out I was gay because we had a box of Halloween stuff in the basement, just like a big plastic container filled with different kinds of things. And I would never want to be one thing.

I would always put something together. But it would often end up being the same costume, which was a Beetlejuice mask, a cape, a top hat, and like a cane or something, or just something to have in my hand. Sure. Which is just gay dancing Beetlejuice year after year. Why did Beetlejuice have Is that sciatica? Did Beetlejuice

have some kind of... Was he okay? Is that what you're asking? The thing about it, why did he have the cane? I'm not sure. I'm curious. I think maybe because he got injured by a sandworm at the end of the film. But so I would take off the top hat and then this Beetlejuice mask, you could like squeeze something and like three little heads.

You know Beetlejuice's little heads would pop up? Yes. Fucking ruled. Oh my God. I want you to do Beetlejuice in a rascal now. That's a good... Modern technology.

Just old Beetlejuice? All right. Kevin and Lizzie, are you ready to play a game we're calling Say Yes to the Dress, Say No to the Spirit Halloween Turban?

All right, here's how it works. Okay. All right, I'm going to tell you about an offensive costume and you need to decide whether it's a real costume That a celebrity or famous person Or a politician wore or that it's not That we made it up

Justin Trudeau dressed in full brown face And a turban for a 2001 Arabian Nights party True or false? True You got it It's a big time true Oh, we don't get to see it? Oh, there it is True. You got it. It's a big time true.

Oh, we don't get to see it? There it is. I wish I had I wish I had I apologize. That one's on me. That's my bad. Jesus. I bet it was worse

on the big screen. We can only see there. I know about this person because of their occasional offensive costumes, and then I forget their name. It's Julianne Huff. Oh, sure. She did it.

I was waiting for this one. She dressed as Tasty from Oranges in New Black, complete with an orange jumpsuit and bronze skin. True. False. It was a trick question. What? She was crazy eyes.

That's fucking rude. You know where... Well done. I see what we're doing now. Some of them are hard. Katy Perry dressed up as a Cool Ranch Dorito. True or false? Some of these aren't offensive.

They're just fun and silly. Wow. I'm going to say... I'm offended. All you people saying no, what if you just haven't seen it? Right. It's a great idea for a costume.

It's a pretty cool idea. What I'm sitting here thinking is, how can I make a Cool Ranch Dorito costume in three days? Yes. I'm like, is it a different flavor Dorito? I say false. That's correct.

It was a Flamin' Hot Cheeto. Okay. And honestly, that rules. You're just out here fucking with us. What is that? What? She's a Flamin' Hot Cheeto.

It's awesome. She don't have nobody who loves her because that is not what... I guess it's sort of. I think it's cool as hell. No. That's a baby carrot.

I'm coming around. There's something off about it. That is an organic peel. Why does she look so sad? Next up, OJ Simpson dressed as a gynecologist and said he was giving free exams. Okay.

Famously the worst thing he's ever done. Wow. Okay, this is triggering for me, actually, because I just found out my gynecologist died. I'm sorry. I did. I called for an appointment. They were like, I don't know if you heard the news,

but he died. They go, and you were the last patient he saw. And I was like, my vagina killed my doctor. No bell for that? Come on, man. You're falling down on the... I'm sorry. Absolutely reeling.

Absolutely reeling. So they told you that? They told me that on the phone. There was a pause. I said, I'd like to make an appointment with Dr. Goldberg. And there was a pregnant pause. And then they said, I don't know if you heard the news, Dr. Goldberg passed there was a pregnant pause. And then they said, I don't know if you heard the news, Dr. Goldberg

passed away. And then she flipped through the book. She goes, and you were actually the last patient he saw. Wow. Fun fact. That's so interesting. I don't know what to do with this information. It's just kind of like, you just want to, it's just sort of, oh, huh. Right. I'm like, how soon after?

How much time did it take to say it? We have no, it was seconds later. Seconds later. So the OJ, I actually, can I just say,

I think, knowing OJ, I'm going to say true. I say true because he had that show, Juiced or something like that. He had, remember OJ had a prank show?

So this just feels right down OJ lane. Yeah, you got it. He did it. Next up. The audience really freaked out. Oh my goodness. I didn't realize we had a picture of that one. Oh, that's tough.

That's tough. That's tough. Next up, Miley Cyrus dressed up as a... That robe was shiny. What if you were like, Oh my God, that's Dr. Goldberg Holy shit And it's the same glove

Yeah Next up. Hats off. Hats off to you. Miley Cyrus dressed up as Osama bin Laden in 2005. In 2005? 2005. I'm going to say false.

What do you think, Lizzie? You know what? I think I'm going true with this one. It was false. We made it up. We made it up. Okay. Next up, Ron

DeSantis' Secretary of State Michael Ertel turned in his resignation in 2019 after a photo of his 2005 Halloween costume was published by the local newspaper, the Tallahassee Democrat, in which he wore blackface, a headscarf, and earrings, and wrote Katrina victim on his t-shirt mere weeks after the

disaster. That's fucking true. It is true. We're not showing that right now. You're just like, that motherfucker did that shit. What an imagination it would have taken for us to make up a detailed description. There was so much information. It just kept fucking going.

I was like, okay. Yeah, it's true. You got it. Next up, Kim Kardashian dressed up as Sacagawea, but specifically the version from the $1 coin. Oh, okay. I don't know if you're trying to throw us with $1 coin. Okay.

Well, what do you think? I'm like, it was a Chuck E. Cheese token. I'm going true. I say false. Kevin is correct, but shout out to Hallie for coming up with a very realistic sounding costume It sounded good Felt real for a minute Lizzie, I thought it was real too

Prince Harry dressed up as a Nazi, complete with a swastika armband The crowd's like, what? We were there for that Yeah, I seem to remember that Yeah, he did It was in a different phase of his narrative. So it doesn't stick now. Because the narrative doesn't, it repels the narrative.

What was his, didn't he have a whole reason for like a logical? I think his excuse was oopsie daisy. I don't, I don't think he got, oh my goodness. God, that's a terrible costume. Jesus Christ. He doesn't look good. A real blunder. A real blunder. A real blunder.

Oh. Next up, Bella Hadid wore an extremely misguided Lil Jon costume during Halloween 2007, but to be fair, she was 11 years old. Oh, this is one of those things where it's like too many details. 2007. False.

It was a Papa Jon costume. It was false. She didn't do it at all. Next up, YouTuber Jake Paul drew controversy for dressing up as a self-styled superhero, White Panther. What do you think, Kevin? You can see it, can't you? You can almost close your eyes and picture it. That's what I'm doing.

I'm just like. But have you seen it? You know you've seen him in a Japanese forest doing something horrible. But have you seen him in the White Panther costume? Is that real? What is the White Panther costume? What does that consist of? It's what Jake Paul conceived of, I suppose, based on the card.

Okay. I'm going true. I'm saying false. Kevin wins again. And we made it up. It's just too... I feel like I would have seen it. I feel like I would have really seen it.

My only character flaw. Yeah. Not that. I feel like I would have really seen it. My only character flaw. Yeah. Not that. Mitt Romney dresses Ted Lasso and gave biscuits to Kyrsten Sinema.

I say true to that. I say true to that. I'm also going true to that. And that is correct. Yes. Yes. Look at that. I watched the Mitt Romney documentary.

Oh, my God. That's tough. That's tough. Why did he? It's not salad dressing, though. It's not salad dressing. It just looks like Mitt Romney. Yeah.

Where's the Ted Lasso part? Right. Or a mustache, I suppose. Right, right, right. It looks like the most awkward proposal ever. Kylie Jenner dressed as, in her phrasing, an Eskimo, which is a derogatory term for an Inuit person, but when people got mad,

she changed the caption on Instagram to read Snow Princess. 100%. She did that shit. Yeah, that's right. She did that shit. Ring the bell,

ring the bell. Now that looks like the White Panther. Nice. Nice. For real. She'd just gone with Snow Princess from the top. It's a cool outfit.

Let's be honest. It's a cool outfit. You just need to bring in the appropriation. And finally, it's time for the political blackface speed round. Did these politicians wear blackface? Governor Ralph Northam of Virginia, yes or no? The crowd has spoken. Yep, he did. Attorney General Mark Herring of Virginia, yes or no? The crowd has spoken. Yep, he did.

Attorney General Mark Herring of Virginia. Yes. Alabama Governor Kay Ivey. Yeah. They all did it. Did they all just fucking wear blackface? They did. A lot of people wore blackface.

Billy Crystal did blackface at the Oscars, like what, 2012? It's wild. Oh, right. That's all sticking in. That's right. Oh, shit. Really late. Yeah.

Surprisingly late. Thank you so much to Lizzie and Kevin. We all sobered up in that thing. Wow. Listen to Lizzie's podcast, Lizzie Cooperman, in your hands. And check out Kevin on The Great North on Fox. Great show. When we come back, it's time for the Fear Wheel.

Don't go anywhere. This is Love It or Leave It, and there's more on the way. And we're back. And we're back! It's the spookiest time of the year, and this fall nobody's scared more shitless by the rise of anti-Semitism than God's chosen people. That's why this episode of Love It or Leave It is sponsored by Spirit Halloween for Jews.

Sure, anti-Semites are feeling safe in numbers, but so will you when you see the huge savings on blonde wigs, colored contacts, and everything else a Jew might need to feel safe outside in Kanye's America. Choose from aggressively goyish costumes like professional athlete, country music star, crocodile hunter, pope.

Have you ever met a Jewish pipe fitter? I certainly haven't. And that's why I'll be dressing up like one this Halloween and also indefinitely. Spirit Halloween for Jews. A costume is just a disguise you get drunk in. Couple notes. Election Day is coming up fast, and you know what that means.

T-shirts and voting. Go to the Crooked store. Buy yourself something nice crooked.com store actually there's really we have really cool stuff in there go check it out if you ever message a friend about a manager who won't stop texting after hours or a co-worker who keeps posting weirdly suggestive austin powers gifs and slack you're not alone on crooked media's newest podcast, Work Appropriate, author and host Anne Helen Peterson sets out to find solutions to these oddly specific yet completely universal listener-submitted questions. Whether you work in an office chair or a sixth-grade classroom,

the problems may be limitless, but so are the solutions. Work Appropriate, it's awesome. The first episode was with Josh Gondelman. Basically, they just take questions about work-life balance, how to be a person at work. It's awesome. It's a great show. You'll really like it.

Everybody check it out. Listen to the first episode of Work Appropriate now wherever you get your podcasts. And now for a segment we call the fear wheel. Here's how it works. The wheel will spin

and we'll land on a true fear one of us has had that we will then divulge to you. And look, this show is often about real and big and giant fears. We're talking about, you know, we're not talking about existential stuff.

Let's spin the wheel. Very nervous. It has landed on dogs seem content but actually hate every second of being alive and just don't know better and can't communicate this. That's my fear. I look sometimes at my little dog, Pundit, and I think, like, do you like this life I created for you? And like, but you don't know better.

What if dogs hate every second? They're not in pain or anything, but they don't like the experience of being owned by people and they don't like being bored all the time, being afraid you're not going to come home. They don't understand what's going on and they just think that's all that life could ever have to offer and I guess in some sense it's true. That is all their life can have to offer.

But what if they hate it? But I love Pundit and I think Pundit is okay for the most part, but sometimes I am afraid. And that this is your fear. Yeah, I'm afraid that Pundit the and I think Pundit is okay for the most part, but sometimes I am afraid. And that this is your fear. Yeah, I'm afraid that Pundit the dog, and all dogs really, don't like the experience of being a pet. Here's what I'm concerned about, is when a person goes to adopt a dog,

and they're weird. Yeah. If the dog is like, keep moving, keep moving. Because sometimes when I see weird people with animals, I'm like, does that animal know? That they drew the short straw. Yeah.

Like, or they're just like, oh my, are you kidding me? Like, of course I appreciate the food and shelter, but this person stinks or, you know. Like, not that stinking is weird, but you know what I'm saying. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Let's spin it again. So realistic, that spinning. It's so realistic that it's spinning. It has landed on communal dairy-based dips.

Whose fear is that, Lizzie? Please explain. That's fine. You go to a Halloween party. You're dipping into the French onion dip. It's like sharing an ice cream cone. Who here would share an ice cream cone with a stranger? That's what it is to me. Salsa, guacamole, that's fine.

Salsa, guacamole's fine. Salsa's water-based. Right? Kevin, we're surprised you didn't, obviously. It drips off the chip. That's worse! You're adding a dripping element to it.

French onion dip. That's the gorilla glue of DNA. You're adding a dripping element to it. French onion dip. That's the gorilla glue of DNA. You're eating someone's heritage. Ranch dressing, it should not be shared. I've been freaked out ever since once I went to Sizzler and there was like a trough of ranch and it was labeled pudding. Dairy is a murky area.

Lizzie, you're mentioning ranch dressing. You're mentioning sizzler. You're mentioning all sorts of disgusting things. You're the problem with my lifestyle. You know I have no problem with you. I'm going to say counterpoint.

I love a sizzler. I don't care what it's labeled. I say counterpoint. I love the Sizzler. I don't care what it's labeled. I'll eat it. I love the Sizzler. When I was a kid it was so great. And I always was at the Sizzler and I was like, why are these freaks ordering entrees? We got a buffet here, people. I never even considered the main menu and I didn't understand when

people would. You know what I'm talking about? I think I was like an adult when I really realized that there's a full menu associated with the Sizzler when all the food you could ever need is out there in the middle of the room. I have a Sizzler tip for you, cowboy. Hit me. Don't wear that outfit when you go there.

Because when you walk in, somebody sees your head and they're like, well, hello, stranger. And then when they size you up, it's just not going to fly at Sizzler. Well, that's at a Western Sizzler, but at an Eastern Sizzler, you might be okay. You might be okay at an Eastern Sizzler. I don't know. I'm not saying I'm wearing this to a Ponderosa. Are there Eastern Sizzlers? No, I don't think so.

Here are some places where I would wear this. Are there Eastern Sizzlers? No. Here's some places where I would wear this outfit. Sizzler. Because here's the thing. People are like, they're more afraid of you than you are of them. You know what I mean? In a sense. They're like sharks. Yeah. They don't like gay cowboys. And I'd wear it

to a Bob's Big Boy. Is that even around still? Well, there's an Eastern Bob's Big Boy. Okay. Can we get? Well, there's an eastern Bob's Big Boy. Okay. Can we get back to the dip for a second? So even though people are dipping chips, that people aren't touching the dip. Right. Right, Lizzie?

Can I tell you how many people I've seen go like this? Lick their full finger? Did you just do that right now? Do you know what I did? I purposely did not wrap my lip around my finger to do it because I find it so... In the dark at a Halloween party, you don't know what's going

on. Even with the lights on at a Halloween party, you don't know what's going on. Even at a pitch black... Also, like, I'm all just want to go back to, like, French Onion dipped to me, like, are you going to Dad's poker games in 1993? Where are you seeing French onion dip?

I see it all around me. And also, is it the kind where it comes with the powder? Oh, that's good stuff. I love the powder. You use the French onion soup mix in the sour cream. You put the French onion soup mix into the sour cream, You put the French onion soup mix into the sour cream, and then the toughest challenge of all, giving it time in the fridge.

Because it just needs that. You think it won't. You want to try it. You've got to give it time in the fridge. Because you give it a couple hours, it's good. That's a good title for something, give it time in the fridge. It's relationship advice.

It's a relationship advice podcast. Give it time in the fridge. It's relationship advice. It's a relationship advice podcast. Give it time in the fridge. Give it time in the fridge. With Lizzie. With Tig and Ed. With Tig and Ed. Let's spin it again. Lizzie, you're out of the pod.

I hope mine doesn't come up. It's landed on Ed's fear. Ed's fear. Guys, I am terrified of my fear. I got the email late, I think, and I didn't respond. That was our fear. I didn't make it onto the actual board. But here it is.

So I don't believe in God or ghosts or demons really, but I am terrified of Ouija boards. Because essentially I have like a don't ask, don't tell policy with demons. You don't care if they're gay or not. You don't want to know. To me, like if you use a Ouija board, you're asking demons if they exist.

And I'd just rather sort of, like, let them be if they exist, which I don't believe. But I'm not going to fucking touch a Ouija board. I don't know what really viscerally scares me. It's like if you're alone in your house and then you hear a noise and you say hello. Like, what are the good options here? Yeah. And you just hear hey girl and Ed's like

don't ask don't tell I don't need to know Kevin what do you think have you had an experience with one and then that was it or have you I don't

I think the only actual experience I had was like other kids playing with one at a sleepover when I was like 12. You just watched? Playing with a demon? Well, maybe. They were playing with a Ouija board and there was probably a demon

involved. Wow. And out of the gate, this was like, nah, I don't believe in this shit, but it's here somewhere. I don't believe in it. I don't give it any credence whatsoever, but... No credence, also a good title. Also a good title, no credence. No credence whatsoever. but... No credence, also a good title. Also a good title, no credence.

No credence whatsoever. Also a good rule for a jukebox. A terrible rule for a jukebox. I agree on the Ouija board thing. I also just think it's like, a Ouija board is really about one of two things. Either demons and ghosts are real, or we've created a generational, passed-down, fun activity where older, sneakier, meaner kids terrify sweet and naive kids while their parents are upstairs.

Right. That's the whole point. Or demons are real. Those are really the only two options. That's a perfect summary. You're right. What a weird child. Should we do the thing where a child will remember and be afraid of what happened for the rest of their lives, or should we play the game

Monopoly? It's kind of like that thing where when you go into a bathroom and you say something to, in the dark at a mirror. Yeah. It's kind of like that. Why do you think it's funny that Ouija boards... I've done that. And Kevin's done it. And he lived to tell. And here that. That's all it is. I just think it's funny that Ouija boards... I've done that. And Kevin's done it.

And he lived to tell. And here I am. And here he is. I've lost so many friends to that. It's just a funny thing that in a Target, there's a game aisle and there's like, Life, Parcheesi, Hungry Hungry Hippos, Summoning the Dead.

Yeah. And Jenga. Okay. Twister. I don't like it. I don't like it. We don't like it. I think it's a good point. Let. And Jenga. Okay. Twister. I don't like it. I don't like it. We don't like it. I think it's a good point. Let's spin it again. I feel like mine isn't going to...

That's mine. It's landed on elevators. Yes, it did land on elevators, and I am scared of elevators. Yes, it did land on elevators. And I am scared of elevators. But not nearly as scared as I am of quicksand. And I was very scared to get stuck in quicksand as a child. Never happened. But I have taken elevators.

Here's what happened. I was on tour. And I got locked in a bathroom in Sacramento and was stuck in there for 30 minutes. This is this year. I've never been scared of elevators. And that traumatic... I know we're at a comedy show. I think we're at a comedy show. And she likes me. And I love this man.

But it was so traumatic. And I absolutely can barely get into an elevator now. But you weren't stuck in an elevator. You were stuck in a bathroom. But it's still a... The bathroom went up and down.

Floor to floor, I was naked. It sounds like you took a shit in an elevator. I basically would these days. I'm so terrified. But yeah, I wasn't trapped in an elevator, but I was trapped in a bathroom. And so now when I'm on edge, I'm just saying it's transferred to elevators.

Did you have any claustrophobia tendencies before the bathroom incident? Well, I remember years ago i was dating this girl we were in an elevator in dc and i always thought it was so weird that people were scared of elevators i was like what is the problem it's not like you're gonna die if the elevator stops and um we were in an elevator in her building, and it stopped. And I was like, oh, boy. And like in five seconds, I was a little like, okay, when is this?

So there's a hint of it. But now when I get in an elevator, I'm like, that needs to be the fastest elevator. When the doors close, it needs to be on the move getting to the next floor. I need to be on the 80th floor. No other people. No, I would prefer if other people are in because if I'm stuck, I need them to knock me out. Oh.

But you don't get like the crowded like a crowded elevator doesn't make you nervous? No, because more people could make me unconscious quicker. It's a real struggle. I thought you were going to because more people could make me unconscious quicker. It's a real struggle. I thought you were going to say more people so I can share ranch dressing with them. Care to dip?

I share this fear. I was stuck in an elevator at the Grove parking lot, which is a glass elevator. And I was stuck at ground level. And were people like, oh, my gosh, the office. A fishbowl, like everybody walking in and out of the parking deck. And there's the guy from The Hangover just standing there. Like, why won't he get out? And then, like, a few people were, like, excited to stop and point, and then I didn't go anywhere.

You know what that was? And they were like, why isn't he getting out of the elevator? And I was stuck, and I was like, help. Call me. Yeah, what I love about that is, but here's the thing. It was a glass elevator, so you would think claustrophobia shouldn't enter into it, because I can see everything, and I'm fine. I almost had cardiac arrest. I really freaked out.

Listen, I understand. Wow, I'm actually sweating right now. I maybe have something that could help. Menopause. What I'm realizing is if you're ever trapped in the glass elevator on the first floor of the Grove, don't think that you're stuck in an elevator. Think that the grove has opened up an Ed Helms Zoo.

Let's play it one more time. I feel ignored. I feel ignored. It is getting kind of stoned. What does it say? Getting kidney stones.

Getting kidney stones. Amazing. Getting kind of stoned while getting kidney stones is my fear. I think it speaks for itself. Kidney stones? Shooting a rock out of your genitals. It was not a thing I thought about, and I'd heard about them. And then one time I saw Joey on Friends get them,

and I thought, well, if that could happen to him. And ever since then, I've been terrified, and I'm just sitting around waiting. And every once in a while, a friend will be like, I had kidney stones, and I'm like, I can't hear. I have a friend who got kidney stones, and then three weeks later, he got more kidney stones. And he kept trying to tell me about how he got kidney stones.

And I'm like, why do you think I want to hear that shit? And I think he's okay. But I want no parts of it. You know what's funny is I also have a fear of kidney stones that I got from a sitcom, but it was Kramer on Seinfeld.

Yes, that first. Yeah. That first, but I thought, ah, that's Kramer. But then Joey got him. Joey's an everyman. Joey's the everyman. I do remember when Kramer got him. And we were all laughing at Kramer.

And then Joey, it was like, oh, this is. And that's the fear wheel. When we come back, we'll end on a high note. And we're back. Here it is, the high note. Hey, love it. This is Emma from Waco, Texas. I am a sophomore political science and history student at Baylor University.

And my high note for the week is last week, Beto came to Baylor's campus on his college tour and tons of people showed up. It was a great turnout. Everyone was super positive and super excited. And it just really made me optimistic for the midterms because this is a super conservative Christian campus in the middle of the Bible Belt. So I'm hopeful and you're a part of that. Thank you. Bye. Hi, Love It. My name is Gabi. I currently live in Denver, Colorado, but I'm originally from Pittsburgh, PA. So my high note was obviously listening to the live show from Pittsburgh. I don't get to go home nearly as often as I would like to. So having a little piece of home during my commute was so lovely. My parents still live in Pittsburgh and my mom is a huge Pod Save America fan. I thought about

getting her a ticket to the live show. But after the conversation about eating ass a couple episodes ago, I decided not to take that gamble. But we love you so much and we appreciate all that you do. Thanks. Bye. Hi, it's Megan from Syracuse. My high note is that I got my husband tickets to your Philadelphia show for his birthday. It's a week away and we're so excited. We've been listening to you since the Keepin' It 1600 days and Crooked has never visited Central New York, even though we are currently one of the most competitive house races, New York 22, Francis Canale. So we are so excited to celebrate his birthday and to see our favorite Saturday podcast live. Thank you.

I love it. This is Mike from Syracuse, New York. And my high note is that my wife and I have handwritten 500 postcards so far to Georgia voters to get out the vote in what could be the tipping point state for retention of the Senate. Senate. But also, since we live in one of the very few toss-up House districts in the country, New York 22, we're trying to get a little more involved locally. And we've actually gone canvassing four times to talk to voters about Democrat candidate Francis Canole, who's a staunch abortion rights supporter, and he's running against a rich, Trumpy opportunist who has never lived a day in his life in our district. This is a super winnable district after John Katko,

one of the House Republicans who voted to impeach Trump, subsequently retired. So we're doing all we can to flip the blue. And you and the rest of the Pod Save team are a constant daily inspiration and motivator for us. My bonus high note is actually that my incredible wife actually surprised me for my birthday with tickets to your Philadelphiailadelphia show so we're driving down this weekend from syracuse and can't wait to finally see you in person take care thanks to everybody who sent

in a high note tonight if you want to leave us a message about something that gave you hope call us at 3-2-3-5-3-8-2-3-7-7 that is our show thank you so much to Ed Helms, Tig Notaro, Kevin Avery, Lizzie Cooperman and everyone who came in costume. There are 10 days until the midterm elections, 10 fucking days. So sign up, do something at Boat Save America dot com and have a great weekend. Love It or Leave It is a Cricket Media production. It is written and produced by me, John Lovett. Kendra James is our executive producer. Brian Semel is our producer. And Malcolm Whitfield is our associate producer.

Hallie Keeper is our head writer. Sarah Lazarus, Jocelyn Kaufman, Pallavi Gunalan, and Peter Miller are the writers. Bill Lance is our editor. And Kyle Seglin is our sound engineer. Our theme song is written and performed by Sure Sure. Thanks to our designers, Jesse McClain and Caroline Haywood for creating and running all of our visuals, which you can't see because this is a podcast. And to our digital producers,

Nar Melkonian, Zuri Ervin, and Milo Kim, Mia Kelman, and Matt DeGroot for filming and editing video each week so you can. And you can find these glorious videos at youtube.com slash crookedmedia.