Lovett or Leave It - History in the Making: The Making of History

Episode Date: March 6, 2023

Are you smarter than a Hulu cast? Live from NeueHouse Hollywood, Lovett sits down with some of the cast and producers of Hulu’s, “History of the World Part II” and tests all of our elementary school knowledge by seeing if anyone, anyone at all, can name a single historical event. Ike Barinholtz brags about being a friend of the pod, Mitra Jouhari takes a stand for Diet Coke, David Stassen settles the time-old debate: David or Dave?, and Poppy Liu’s rant evokes existential uncertainty as we all ponder whether there is any actual truth behind "The Da Vinci Code” (there isn't… is there?). “History of the World Part II”, is narrated by Mel Brooks, and Ike Barinholtz, Nick Kroll, and Wanda Sykes headline an allstar cast. This new, original series and long-awaited sequel is a four-night event streaming now, only on Hulu. For a closed-captioned version of this episode, click here. For a transcript of this episode, please email [e-mail] and include the name of the podcast. 

And now, please give it up for John Lovett! Such dramatic music. Whoa. Such dramatic music. Hi, everybody. Welcome to History in the Making, colon, the making of history. I'm John Lovett, history's greatest comedian. We have a great show for you tonight.

We have Ike Barinholtz, Mitra Juhari, Poppy Liu, and producer David Stassen from History of the World Part II. We'll talk to them about the show, about history. Then we will quiz them on their knowledge of famous and misattributed quotes. And then the rant wheel. But first, let's get into it. What a past. On August 1st in the year 30 BCE, Octavian defeated the forces of Mark Antony and Cleopatra in the Battle of Alexandria, but hot girls aren't out here dressing like sexy Octavian for Halloween, so who won really? Cleopatra subsequently killed herself by allowing an asp to bite her

as a final gift to the New York Times crossword. On March 15th in the year 44 BCE, Julius Caesar was assassinated by a group of senators who stabbed him 23 times. Caesar's last words were, et tu, Brute? which is a Latin phrase usually translated as, hey, ow, what the fuck? One senator later expressed regret, saying, I'll never stab anyone again, or my name isn't Dianne Feinstein. Surprised by your reaction.

I'm honestly a bit taken aback. In London, the Globe Theatre, home of William Shakespeare's performance troupe, burned down on June 29, 1613. It was unfortunately due to a gender reveal. Surprise! They were all men. They had to be men.

Henry VIII was the play showing when the theatre burned down, so producers took advantage and split the play up into Henry VIII Infidelity War and the thrilling conclusion Henry VIII Head Game laughter don't make that kind of noise at me again laughter in 1633 Galileo was tried by the Inquisition for heresy after promoting

heliocentrism against the teaching of the Catholic Church it was bad luck for Galileo it was the one time the Catholic Church was wrong about something. On July 9th, 1850, President Zachary Taylor died in office at the age of 65, days after consuming large quantities of cherries and iced milk on the 4th of July. To this day, doctors continue to search for a cure for too much milk and cherries. On April 9th, 1865, General Robert E. Lee and his Confederate troops surrendered to Union General and future U.S. President Ulysses S. Grant, to which General Grant responded, I hope you won't hold a grudge, and they laughed. On April 15, 1865, Abraham Lincoln was assassinated by actor John Wilkes Booth while attending a play at Ford's Theater in Washington, D.C.

He died in the most American way possible, from a gunshot wound at a public gathering. What are you oohing exactly? Rest in peace, Abraham Lincoln, bisexual king. Maybe, I don't know. Hey, oh, I swear to God, I will kick you right out of here. You are not funny enough to be loud. That was too mean. enough to be loud. That was too mean. Alexander Graham Bell placed the first ever successful telephone call to his assistant Thomas Watson on March 10th, 1876, during which he spoke the words,

Mr. Watson, come here, I want to see you. Of course, it would be years before telephones were ubiquitous enough to be used for their true purpose, scamming senior citizens. Bell had celebrated his 29th birthday one week earlier. Watson was 22. This marked the first and last time two people in their 20s talked on the phone. In 1903, physicist Marie Curie became the first woman to win a Nobel Prize and would eventually become the first person to win the Nobel Prize twice, the only person to win in two different sciences, and half of the first ever married couple to win a Nobel Prize with her husband, Pierre. Wow. It's so cool that

she was married. On April 15th, 1912, the Titanic sank in the North Atlantic Ocean during its maiden voyage after hitting an iceberg. And I would like to take a moment to thank the fossil fuel companies for their tireless efforts to make sure no ship ever hits an iceberg ever again. On June 28, 1914, a teenage Serbian nationalist shot and killed Archduke Franz Ferdinand, precipitating the start of World War I, to think, so much misery caused by one young man's desire to impress Jodie Foster. to impress Jodie Foster. On November 7th, 1917,

Bolshevik forces led by Vladimir Lenin stormed the Winter Palace in St. Petersburg, seizing power in history's first successful Marxist coup. The next successful Marxist coup would be in 2020, when you had to wear masks on planes. September 28th, 1928, Dr. Alexander Fleming returned from vacation to find mold growing in his petri dishes, accidentally discovering penicillin. It's like I always claim, today's filthy slobs are tomorrow's heroes.

Those bowls and cups with an inch of murky water in my sink are medicine. Despite the discoveries made at Oxford around penicillin, the failure to secure a patent meant the UK ultimately had to pay American companies to make use of the drug they helped discover. Fucking dummies. We got them. USA, baby. On June 6, 1944, the Allied forces stormed the beach at Normandy

in a maneuver known as Operation Overlord, or D-Day. There were many casualties since, in a stroke of bad luck, World War II was going on. We loved that one. You know, that's life. Pearls before swine. On April 30, 1945, as Soviet forces closed in on the Reich Chancellery, Adolf Hitler died from a self-inflicted gunshot wound. Said those around him,

No, Hitler, don't. And finally, in 1972, Shirley Chisholm, the first black woman elected to Congress, became the first black candidate for a major party nomination when she ran to be the Democratic presidential nominee. When she announced her candidacy, reporters said, surely you can't be serious, to which she replied, I am serious, and called me Congresswoman Chisholm. When we come back,

the present. Hands up where I can see them. Good gravy, it's Harriet Tubman. The inventor of the tub? How did these dumbasses enslave us? Rolling. I'm Kublai Khan. Amelia Earhart.

And Roman Ops. I am Siegmund Foy. Join me for my master base. Master class. What? Who are you? So call me Jesus Christ, son of God. Some call him Broken Corny.

Oh, hello. Look it, that's actually crazy. No, I feel we're supposed to get two of every animal. I got two chihuahuas, two pugs. I got three pugs. Don't tell God. And we're back. Technically, everything is a part of history. So empirically speaking, anything we do tonight will be history.

But it can only become history after it stops being the future. So please welcome to the stage the stars of Hulu's The History of the World Part 2, Meechah Juhari, Ike Barinholtz, Poppy Liu, and Dave Stassen. Hi. Come on up. Grab a spot. Hi.

I don't know how to say hi. Hi, hi, hi. Thanks for coming. Thanks for being here. Thanks so much. Yeah, it's good to be here. Thanks, thanks, thanks. Hey, hi.

Can we just settle this for now? Is it Newwe House? Newe House? Nowe House? What are we doing here, guys? I thought we were saying Noia. Is it Noia? Noia.

Noia? Noia. What is that, Finnish? What was the second idea for a name? Noia. Noia, right? I always said it was new house right now i'm hearing all this noia shit i'm from minnesota and i'm actually a hick like in my heart new oh oh yeah we call it new the new house oh are you going to the new house tonight oh Oh, make sure you bring your snow tires.

That would be a conversation you would have. I'm from Illinois, but like slightly bigger Minnesota. Sure. Okay. All right. All right. John loved that.

I did. I was letting it play out. Wow, this guy just took over my show with a bunch of bullshit. That's cool. Look, we're all here tonight. We ought to be in our games because the stakes could not be higher. Alright, here's the deal. We're going to talk about...

It's a panel. Can we just agree also that someone pointed out that we are all dressed for four separate events? Dave is going up. We were trying to discuss what event could we all be at. This slacker right here just got out of detention. My hedge funder friend is getting married tomorrow. What did you say?

I'm going to a debutante ball in Hong Kong. And we have Steve Bannon's son. John Lovett's stage manager. No, it's the best PA. The best PA on set. My favorite PA. I like it. I feel good about it.

We're having a panel here tonight. And let me tell you how this panel is going to work. I'm going to ask everyone but Ike normal panel questions. And Ike is going to get other questions. Because I can't ask normal panel questions. Here we go. Dave. We're saying Dave or David.

Dave's fine. I'm not precious. It's actually new. It's new. Callback from the new house. I'm not precious It's actually new It's new It was a Classic callback It was a classic callback The best callbacks occur

Three minutes after the initial joke I find And then you talk about it I gotta ask a panel question Dave, talk to me about meeting Mel Brooks What's he like? He's everything you want him to be he's intimidating

for about three seconds and then he, as we were talking about backstage he just has a line for every moment because he's 96 years old and when we first met him and he said he was doing the sequel only to get the healthcare right away, we were like, oh yeah yeah, everything's going to be fine.

Mel Brooks is still funny. Like, that's Mel. God, that's so cool. He's still funny. Thank God. What if he was a prick, huh? You wouldn't tell me. Poppy.

Poppy, what was your favorite part about working on the show? You know... This moment. Right now. Okay, so I'm in a sketch that... Can I say it? Absolutely. Is this a spoiler thing?

Absolutely. Okay, I'm in a sketch that's called The Real Concubines of Kublai Khan. So it's, you know, scenes a la Housewives. And one of the real concubines is an actual real housewife herself, Krystal Kong-Minkoff, who's very cool.

I don't watch it. I should because I love, I'm obsessed with reality TV. But when we were on set, like, I think she was just like, she was like, she's like, oh, I'm like, I'm not an actor,

I'm not an actor, I'm not an actor. And I was like, oh, like, what are you doing? She was like, she's like, I'm just a mom. And I was like, oh, that's so like humble and cute and great and whatever. And then I'm like, oh, I'm not an actor. I'm not an actor. I'm not an actor. I was like, oh, what are you doing? She was like, I'm just a mom. I was like, oh, that's so humble and cute and great. And then I'm like, oh, wait, you're the most famous person in LA.

But that was great. And then I met her and her husband at the premiere yesterday and spilled popcorn all over both of them. And I would say that's the best part. That's a pretty good part. That's pretty good. That's pretty good. Mitra, what was your favorite Mel Brooks movie growing up?

Well, History of the World, actually, because my dad is obsessed with it. And I sent him a very blurry photo of Mel last night, and he was very impressed. And I would say this to his face, he's not normally very into the stuff that I do. So it was really cool to kind of have some cachet with him

and impress him because one time I showed him my TV show that I made and devoted seven years of my life to and he didn't laugh a single time. Except for when I fell down. Which, you know, anyone can do. So, yeah, I guess I'm not like,

my therapist is on break right now, so I guess I'm doing it here. But yeah, I guess to answer your question, History of the World Part 1. Yeah, you sort of jumped ahead to my next question, which is, tell me about some of the hardest parts of relating to your father, but we'll come back to it. You covered it.

Alright, so Ike, a question for you. You have a time machine. You've just killed baby Hitler. The doors swing open and a group of Austrian police officers gasp at what they see. You beside a cradle holding a pillow hovering above the now eerily still form of what was a perfectly lovely and beautiful not famous little boy. Are you willing to spend the rest of your life in Austrian prison unable to convince anyone that the baby you killed deserved it? Wow.

It is just a yes or no question. Oh, what the hell? Yeah, it's worth it. Yeah. Thank you. I mean, look, you're basically saying, are you okay trading six to ten million lives for some mild uncomfortability for the next 30 years of your life.

I would be a dick if I said, no, I'm not going to jail for anybody. So I think I said the right answer. Yeah, I think that's interesting. You'd have to basically just make peace with the fact that you know what would have happened even if nobody believes you. Well, that's the thing.

You're going to be in jail and you're going to be the crazy guy in jail because you're going to be like, you know, the baby I killed was baby Hitler. And then you'd be like, I don't even know who Hitler is. It's 1898. Yeah. It's just like Adolf Hitler. Adolf is just a popular boy's name.

You killed a little boy named Adolf. I don't know who this fucking Hitler dude is. So I would have to be the crazy guy in prison who gets probably beaten up a lot. So I'm going to change my answer. No. It would be a great sacrifice. It would be a great sacrifice. Yeah. be. It would be a great sacrifice. Yeah.

I mean, I guess it's just sort of like, wait, you can't bring me back after I do it? That sucks. Clearly, just work on this technology for six more months. I mean, we can do this. The whole point of a time machine is you can do it whenever. You know, you don't, like, wait until you've figured out the getting me home part. Yeah. I would actually just hold off and wait until they've figured out two-way travel.

I'm not going to be like, cool, now I'm living in Austria. Yeah, I would actually just hold off and wait until they figured out two-way travel. I'm not going to be like, cool, now I'm living in Austria. I like LA. It's nice. Can it handle rain? No. Did I have power for three days? Also no. But I'm not going to an Austrian prison. Then they all get together and are like, let's just

tell Ike we can bring him back. What's going to happen? He's just going to be standing there like an idiot in front of some Austrian cops being like, let's just make him, let's just tell Ike we can bring him back. What's gonna happen? He's just gonna be standing there like an idiot in front of some Austrian cops being like, now guys, spell it. Now! He's clicking his pen. He thinks that's what takes him home. Mitra, what's a historical figure

you were born to play? Well, I just want to first say that my dad is a great person. I love him. And Adult Swim is not for everyone. And that's okay that he didn't love the show. I just have to get that.

I'm like, I'm sweating. Again, he won't listen to this. He doesn't listen to podcasts. Anyway. What historical figure am I born to play um it's got to be someone beautiful probably marilyn monroe that's great i mean yeah when i saw a blonde casting announcement i go missed opportunity get a beauty mark on me give me some big prosthetic juicy tits, cinch that waist,

get me in a white gown, change the color of my skin, change my voice, and you've got Marilyn Monroe. And I love that. And I'm in. You fired your reps, right? You fired your agent after that.

They are dust. This is the role I was born to play. Minus everything. I'm just glad her story was finally told, Marilyn Monroe. I knew nothing about the woman. How much more must we... There was that Norma Jean in Marilyn one. With Ashley Judd.

It was stressful. It was stressful. Very stressful. It was stressful because it was like, wait, they're playing one person? I can't keep it straight. We have a clip from that film. We're going to show it right now if you guys can roll clip two. Poppy, if you could go back and witness a historical event, what would it be?

Okay. Good. Good, good, good good you know backstage we were literally Mitra and I were just talking about how we really failed at the step and repeat yesterday at the premiere where they asked many there was someone who was like who would you meet like what historical figure would you meet like what historical

figure would you meet and i was like can you name some examples and he was like what and i was like uh like just like give me some names like like well he's like like literally like jesus and i was like no i'm past that's kind of like where I'm at right now um what was question sorry um the question was who would I play no who would I be who would I want to see just I would say the question is now name a historical event challenge accepted John here uh honestly I can't think of a good one I'm sitting here Challenge accepted, John. Honestly, I can't think of a good one. I'm sitting here racking my brains for one good thing that happened in history.

Someone give me a name. The fall of Constantinople. The fall of Constantinople. What about the fall of Constantinople? Constantinople was from... That's kind of Turkey? Yeah, 100%. Istanbul, not Constantinople.

There you go. It was a long siege, I think. It was a long siege. I have some clarifying questions. When I witnessed this, am I witnessing it as me now, like with contact lenses? Sure, yeah. It's a Ghost of Christmas Past style. you can see everything but but they can't

see you or hit you with their there's no one who's like dying because he's been hit by a lance and he's like is that the lady from hacks oh for sure for sure for sure oh okay um what this is helpful the moon like as like i'm on the moon. I said, yeah, things that happen. Oh, it's okay. Okay. Give me more. Give me more. I like that.

We have Constantin. The Hindenburg. What kind of psychopath suggests the Hindenburg? What was that again? The sign of the Constitution. Or the Declaration of Independence. Oh, for this? For the colonial state that is the United States of America?

I won't go into that. What about... The Berlin Wall coming down. Oh, the Berlin Wall. That's kind of a fun one. Because it's kind of modern era. It's not too far in the past. Interesting music.

Everyone still smells kind of good. No. Actually, no, not there. But maybe. Let's go farther back. I like like the crucifix. What kind of suggestions are these? You want to go watch someone die slowly in the desert? You're sick.

The building of the library of Alexandria. So often we talk about it getting burned to the ground. Pause. That would take at least five years to build. Right? At least. She wants to be there for the ribbon cutting. I would be there for the

entire length of it. You want to be there for the big scissors. Can I speed it up? Sure. Okay. But I just so appreciate that suggestion because it's time we take the narrative like that library stood for so many days in which it didn't burn down and we don't talk about those days the days where people were

just reading scrolls my question is how do you all know so many facts about history like what public school did i go to no minnesota no no no no no house no no house no house only Swedish history I went to Minnesota and I went to Chinese school every Saturdays so okay okay we're getting somewhere China Chinese history

dynasties building the great again that would be like 100 years of of watching it. The ribbon cutting. You're there for the ribbon cutting. The ribbon cutting. The last day. The last day, the last brick.

They just put the like, ugh, that was hard. Where the hell are we now? Yeah. The ribbon cutting of the Great Wall. We just said that. We just said that. We just fucking said that.

What's going on here? This microphone has an echo. What the hell's happening? Great listening like I wasn't as a child in history class, which I don't think I even had history class. You all nerds. Hey, what else on the Hulu are you guys watching? You all love these 300-year-long events.

Yeah, how about this? It's cool in your head. Hey, everybody. You're watching it brick by brick. Everybody take a second. Don't just shout. Everybody just shut the fuck up. And just think in your heads.

Your job now is to think of a good thing that happened in history that took a day. One day. So that we're just going back in time for one day. Don't just raise your hand because I don't trust any of you people. Take a second, especially you. Now, if you've thought of one, please raise your hand because I don't trust any of you people take a second especially you now if you've thought of one please raise your hand I said raise your god damn hand

oh my god hi you've been so polite hi what is your historical event that was good that took one day the signing of the Treaty of Versailles okay okay And that was famously an end to

World War II. I thought that was World War I. World War I, which set in motion the kind of conditions that led to World War II in a way you can think of as one big war rejected. Okay, but a question about that, though. Historically,

cool, that's really great, but for a day to, though. Like, historically, cool. That's really great. But, like, for a day to go back to, is it just signing? Yeah. Or did they, like, have an after party afterwards? We can go to WME and watch people sign a deal. They had a party. They had an after party. How did they party?

Who was there? It was a step and repeat. Or is it just the signing of that? They took Loudnum. They did. I think they did DocuSign. I think Madonna performed. Hi, what's your... Okay, remember,

a good thing that happened in history that took one day. The Gettysburg Address. Hey, now. That was a commemoration of an incredible, terrible battle. Next. Hi, what's your event? VE Day.

Ooh, that's a perfect answer. It's a party in the streets. Victory in Europe. World War II is up. You know the famous picture of the guy grabbing the nurse and kissing her in Times Square? That was on VE Day, I believe. And also, I should also say, the war continued and ravaged the Pacific until the falling of two nuclear weapons. Rejected.

Rejected. You're canceled. You're out. You all love war content. What's your good event? the Pacific until the falling of two nuclear weapons. Rejected. You're cancelled. You're out. You all love war content. What's your good event? So far, no one's gotten one. The day Trump left office.

Okay! Hey, that's pretty good. The Big Bang. Beginning of all existence. Okay. Hard to go back and watch it happen. Where are you watching it from? Where are you watching it from?

That's the question. Where are you watching it from? But then you would know. You could be so smug about it. But if you're watching the moment it happens, where were you right before? I would probably be watching from Target. Target food court, ideally. I'm coming over here.

I'm coming over here. Hi, sir. What's your good event? Bobby Thompson's home run. The shot heard around the world. The shot heard around the world. Tell us one more thing about it. Bobby Thompson played for, I'm going to say, was he the Giants? The New York

Giants. New York Giants. And he hit a very big home run that won them game four? That seems fun. Game three. What's your good event? Mine's a bit of a cultural reset. The night Brittany, Lindsay Lohan, and Paris Hilton hung out.

Yes! That's a guess. That's the one. That's the one! That's the one! Thank you so much. Thank you for your service. That's something in history I can relate to and care about. Honestly, you were sweet, good, and wonderful

for the world. I love it. The rest of you, learn from what we just did. Learn from that experience. Maybe less Treaty of Versailles and more Us Weekly, is what I would say. Ugh, chills. We have chills. Dave, what moment

from the past year do you think warrants inclusion in the next season of History of the World Part 2? Trump's eulogy at Silk's funeral don't get our hopes up Trump's eulogy at Silk's funeral you know Diamond and Silk

they passed away one of them passed away Silk passed away and Trump went to the memorial Diamond passed away but Silk could feel it Silk could feel it. Silk could feel it. And Trump was sitting there for hours.

And you could tell he was very angry. And he got up to speak at a woman's funeral. And he goes, you know, they asked me I said, how long is this going to take? And they said, 15 minutes. This was a little longer than 15 minutes. Which is the best thing I've ever seen. Such a cool thing to say at a funeral.

There are multiple pictures of Trump in the Oval Office with these two women. And then at the funeral where he claimed he had just met the other one for the first time. Yeah, he goes, and I just learned about Silk today. You're fantastic. And it's like, you know them. You know both of them. Anyways, that is going to be the entirety of season two. We're just going to focus

I'm just glad that Trump is kind of back I just miss the comedy he's going to Ohio he's saying crazy things again yeah I mean I think we have a problem that speaks to a problem in a great way

I just love him as an entertainer yeah I think that we have to accept that he is unfortunately funny Great way. Well, I mean, I just love him as an entertainer. Yeah, I think that we have to accept that he is unfortunately funny. Oh, listen, listen. You can hold two thoughts in your head at the same time. One is this is a hog fucking demon pig from the bowels of hell that the minute he dies,

flowers will spring up from the earth and a new day will begin. And he's fucking funny. he dies, flowers will spring up from the earth and a new day will begin. And he's fucking funny. Usually not intentionally. Usually it's funny like Mr. Magoo is funny. Like I sat on the toilet the wrong way.

My suit is on inside out. There's no wrong way to sit. You can face the back if you want. It's just a different way to sit. Well, but then, no. It depends on, I don't know. Think about it.

There's a lot of factors. You want to read a book? You got a nice place to put your elbows. Oh, that is true. You could put a little cup of coffee on the porcelain. Oh, excuse me, where's the men's room? So just, you know, it's all about your perspective. That's what tonight's all about.

It's about perspective. When you go home, sit on the toilet the opposite way, guys. Have fun. Ike. Sir. It's often said those who don't learn from history are doomed to repeat it.

What are some mistakes you've been making in your life over and over again? Well, this is my fourth time on Love It or Leave It. It's a classic talk show panel burn. Okay? If Burt Reynolds would have said that to Johnny Carson in 1984, you would all be shitting your pants right now. And honestly, that's our dynamic.

Look at this guy. What is a mistake I... Oh, oh, oh, my God, yeah. I don't care how many times in my life i will burn the fuck out of the roof of my mouth the moment the pizza is put on the table i need to take a bite within five seconds or i will die and i've like i don't want to say i've had scarring but like i've had to like put hydrogen peroxide on my mouth the next day because of the burn

from the hot cheese and the pizza because I have a problem with food and hot food specifically and I think that's when Santana said that he was thinking about something like that yeah no and I think that's so important I used to do the same thing and take a bite of hot pizza but ever since I've been on

Ozempic I like don't touch it. And I tell you, there's like a lot of people saying, I don't know. It's like some kind of, I don't know. My doctor gave it to me. My doctor drives in a van to my house and it rules. One of the many ways we understand history is through the passing down of insightful observations about the world we live in. We have nothing to fear but fear itself.

I have a dream. If you can't love yourself, how the hell are you going to love somebody else? All great examples. Of course, since most of us get our wisdom from Pinterest and the chalkboards outside coffee shops, it's inevitable that some of our most beloved bon mots have been misattributed, misquoted, or haven't happened at all.

For example, did you know Ben Franklin never said, I'm not a regular mom, I'm a cool mom? That's from Zoolander. Did you know that? I did not know that. So are you ready to play a game we're calling Live Laugh Language? Or what I wanted to call it,

which is Going Going Gandhi, but the graphic was already made, and look at that. You can't whip something like that up in an afternoon. Spot the differences. Me up there there you are I'm the bard yeah

you yeah there you are right there in the middle it's cool thanks uh Dave I'll start representation matters

Dave I'll start with you David if you will Confucius is credited with the quote the journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step that's both the wrong author and a misquote of a famous line, a double biff, as historians say. Who said it and what is the quote? Wait. Oh, here I go. I see the problem. There's more, thank God. Is it A, Sun Tzu and every step shortens a journey of 100 years? Sun Tzu and every step shortens a journey of 100 years.

B, Lao Tzu and a journey of 400 miles begins beneath one's feet. C, Buddha and the journey of one's life begins with one step made alone. Or D, Nicole Kidman and we come... I can't do it. We come to this... I can't do the fucking thing. I told you. Come to this place for magic. I got the magic.

The magic wasn't bad. No, you didn't. That was amazing. We come to this place for magic. I got the magic. The magic wasn't bad. No, you didn't. That was amazing. We come to this place for magic. You know what? It's the making the mouth wide. While also not moving any muscles in your face. We come to this place for magic.

Buddha. It was Lao Tzu. A journey of 400 miles begins beneath one's feet. What a dumbass. Poppy. Nelson Mandela is miles begins beneath one seat. What a dumbass. Poppy. Nelson Mandela is often credited with this quote. Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. Which Democratic presidential candidate actually said it? Is it A, Michael Dukakis, B, Marianne Williamson, C, Dennis Kucinich, or D, the rent is too damn high guy, Jimmy McMillian? I will be calling a friend, thank you.

What'd you say? Okay, you all... You're all saying different answers. You need to unanimously decide amongst all of you. This is not your issue. Mary Williams? Okay. She knows.

That woman's wearing a scarf that says, I have crystals by my bed. And so I think we should trust it. Is that cashmere? You definitely know. Oh, it's just hard to see. What do you want to say? Mary Williamson? Yeah. You got it's just, it's hard to see. What do you want to say? Marianne Williamson?

Yeah. You got it. You got it. I will be sharing the spoils of my wins with all of you. Ike, who said this famous quote,

let them eat cake? Is it A, Marie Antoinette, B, author Jean-Jacques Rousseau, C, probably no one, or D, the cake boss? E, Brendan Fraser and the whale. author Jean-Jacques Rousseau, C, Probably No One, or D, The Cake Boss? E,

Brendan Fraser and the Whale. Oh no, I'm trying, guys. It was, no, no, it's B. I'm going to give it to you. While you could argue that it never was said by anyone exactly, Jean-Jacques Rousseau described a great princess in his 1765 book, Confessions, that said, let them eat brioche.

People attributed that to Marie Antoinette, but there's no evidence she said it. That being said, the cake boss probably has said let them eat cake at some point, so you probably could have also gotten away with D. Well, I will say brioche is the cake of breads. It is the cake of breads. It is the cake. You get a burger on brioche, you know you're having a great night.

Yeah, it's a nice night. It's a nice night. Mitra. Yes. Pinterest boards crediting Marilyn Monroe, your idol, with the quote, well-behaved women rarely make history or legion. They're also false.

You can thank historian Laurel Thatcher Ulrich for that phrase. Which one of the following quotes is not a real Marilyn quote? To help you guess, I'll be performing them as Marilyn herself. Grateful.

Let's get a little beauty dot on you. I can't. Do you want to read them? Do I? As Marilyn? No. No? Okay. Frankly, I've never considered my own... I can't do all of these. That was good.

You're off to a good start. Frankly, I've never considered my own figure so exceptional until quite recently. I seldom gave it a thought at all. That was horrible. That was really good, and I love that you looked me in the eye when you did it. I'm trying to be in the scene with you.

Supportive. I can trying to be in the scene with you. Supportive. I don't, I can't do all of them. I don't look at myself as a commodity, but I'm sure a lot of people have. C, if I'm a star, then people made me a star. D, moisture is the essence of wetness. D? No, that's from Zoolander.

It was the rest of them. Wait, oh, okay. I think I didn't listen to the question. You know what, can we just give a ding? Oh. Oh, you got a ding. Great. Okay, never mind. Gaslight myself.

Ike, back to you. Okay. Gandhi is famously quoted as saying, be the change you want to see in the world. But there is no evidence he said this. According to the failing New York Times, what did Gandhi actually say? A, as a man changes his own nature,

so does the attitude of the world change toward him. B, the only change possible in the world is the change of one's own actions. C, the world cannot change itself, only the individual can in the world is the change of one's own actions. C. The world cannot change itself. Only the individual can change the world. Or D. Arby's, we have the meats. I think he was a vegetarian, so it can't be Arby's. Oh, God, it's so tough because they're all like the same.

Oh, God, I don't know. B? It was A, and that was too hard. I agree. But you won Jeopardy. And I won a bag of Arby's, too. Yeah, the one on fucking Vine. Or not Vine.

Where's the Arby's? Gower Gulch. Gower Gulch. Gower Gulch with that big hat. Go get curly fries there. I unironically love Arby's. I'm not messing around. I think it's good food.

I love Arby's. I like it. It's great. When I worked on a television program called The Newsroom, every day the writer's room would have lunch, and Aaron Sorkin wouldn't order what we would order from the various chicken and salad places. He would rotate through different fast food restaurants.

Fascinating. Amazing. Amazing. And I would only jump on his order on the days the writer's room was ordering from Cafe Gratitude, which is vegan. The worst. I mean, I love it. It's great. And they're nice people. Do you like flop? And at Cafe Gratitude, all the food items have a name like I am healthy. I am sublime. I am grateful.

I am grateful. And so whenever I would jump on the Aaron Sorkin order, i would say i'll be having the i am disgusting i am diarrhea and sometimes it would be the arby's because it was right by the it was right it was in the it was in the garrick gulch great little anecdote and finally and finally actually this will be for uh dave and poppy together because our last question you guys will tag team this one and finally albert einstein said a lot of insightful things about space or whatever but he didn't say insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. That quote can be traced back to the author Ruth May Brown. Which of these quotes did Albert Einstein not say?

To help you guess, I'll be performing them as Albert Einstein himself. The most incomprehensible. Yeah, that's the joke, buddy. It did sound like my Marilyn Monroe. Well, I think they got the idea. Now I'm just going to read them. A. The most incomprehensible thing about the world is that it's comprehensible.

Again, which ones did Einstein not say? B. The greatest scientists are artists as well. C. Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance you must keep moving. D, what is this? A center for ants.

D is Zoolander. I know that. D is Zoolander. That's the one he didn't say. The question was, which one did he not say? He did say the bicycle one, then? Yeah, apparently he said the bicycle one. I mean, I've got to trust the card.

It's D. Yeah, I mean, I feel like that's a great example. All you lacked there was confidence. You knew it was Zoolander. You knew it was Zoolander. You really cracked it. You cracked it. I was so shocked to know anything.

I really wanted to get it right. And you did. Go to history school. You did great. Hey, you did great. When we come back, the rant wheel. Woo!

And we're back! So fast. You read those ads so quickly. Where are the Hulu people? Thumbs up? Is this still worth it? All right. And now for a segment we call the rant wheel.

Here's how it works. We'll spin the wheel wherever it lands. We'll rant about a topic. Oh, it'll land on the name of someone on this stage because no one submitted their rants on time. But because this is a promotional event for a TV show, all the rants will have a historical bent. Let's spin the wheel.

Look at this historical rant wheel. It has landed on me and I am going, my rant is going to be about the space shuttle. Here's what I'd like to say about the space shuttle. When I was a kid, I loved the space shuttle. I thought it was the coolest thing. I had a little one. I had books about the space shuttle.

I thought it was such an amazing thing. In hindsight, the whole idea of the space shuttle was it was the coolest thing. I had a little one. I had books about the space shuttle. I thought it was such an amazing thing. In hindsight, the whole idea of the space shuttle was it was supposed to make space safer, cheaper, and more accessible. It failed on all three of those. It just made space kind of boring. You know, it even, the name is shuttle. It really took the magic out of the fucking thing.

It's going to fucking outer space. we're like yeah I'm taking the shuttle that's how you get from New York to DC those were the flights that before you know TSA you'd be like oh I gotta go catch a shuttle I'll just get the next one and they're like no no no they take you to space now great idea the name was really ahead of the tech

and so we made this thing that was supposed to make space accessible it just made space boring. We built five of them. Sadly, two blew up. That's a terrible record for the shuttle. Don't cover your head. It's what happened.

You built five, lose two. That stinks. Tiles. Tiles. The tiles. Sometimes it was the title. Sometimes it was the O that stinks. Tiles. Tiles. The tiles. Sometimes it was the title, sometimes it was the O-ring. Yeah, sometimes it was the O-ring. But look, the point is, we shouldn't... The point is...

You asked what happened. Too dark of a topic? We really was a... Overall, I'm going to call the shuttle a miss thank you let's spin it again all due respect to the to nasa i suppose it has landed on Mitra. You said you were going to rant about your father, I believe. He is in my future, so I won't be talking.

Okay, mine is about old books. Just old books generally. I think that learning about old books from the past is boring. Why do they talk like that? I don't want to learn about the way people talked in the past. I was thinking about old books on the way here and the way that they talk in those books. And it made me think about people in my life

who I don't think are smarter than me, but they just use really big words as a way to sort of assert their intellectual dominance over me. And I go, if you think someone's bad, you can just say that they're bad. You don't have to use a big word. And that's why I feel the whole time I'm reading an old book, crickets in the crowd. People couldn't agree less. People love reading old books in the crowd. And that's so cool. Congratulations on reading your big books from your tower or whatever. I didn't finish state school.

I don't like big books. And guess what? I like being relatable. All right? I have the worst outfit on this stage. I don't care. Okay? And you know what else?

I can't stop thinking about that Donald Trump tweet where he said that he's never seen a thin person drinking Diet Coke. And that's what I was thinking about when we were talking about Donald Trump. Because guess what? I got a Diet Coke on stage with me. And I love my life. And yeah, old books.

So loquacious. Loquacious. Nice. Nice. Nice. First of all, I'm sorry real quick Trump also had another tweet after he did the tweet about the Diet Coke

I don't even know how I know this but I forget like my mom's birthday but he was like the Diet Coke people are not happy with me these days that's okay I'll keep drinking that garbage that's how I feel I will keep drinking that garbage

yeah I completely agree it's just like yeah there's a hundred health choices I should be making that are better than the ones I'm making I'll work on those but Diet Coke is here to stay Diet Coke any form and a McDonald's Sprite nothing better than a McDonald's Sprite the burn in your throat that you get when you take that first sip of McDonald's Sprite. Nothing better than a McDonald's Sprite. The burn in your throat that you get when you take that first sip of McDonald's Sprite. Is there a greater pleasure on this earth? No. And it's funny because on some level we know there's something deeply wrong with soda

because the fact that at room temperature it tastes like poison. It's just like, oh yeah, no, this only goes down when the body doesn't know. It has to be so cold you can barely taste it. That's how it's just like oh yeah no this only goes down when the body doesn't know it has to be so cold you can barely taste it that's how it's really good if it's room temperature the body rejects it but like spaghetti has to be warm that's a really good point so why can't I cook be cold and also what's that about all right and I just want to say that I love NASA

and like I think I was a little bit glib earlier about the space shuttle All right. And I just want to say that I love NASA. And I think I was a little bit glib earlier about the space shuttle, which probably did some good stuff. I remember seeing they had plants up there. They were like, wow, look what happens when they don't know which way is up. Let's spin it again. Oh, boy. All right. David, you're up.

I'm very happy to have this opportunity. King Alfonso XIII of Spain. Hell, yeah. This guy gets a free pass in history. He's widely credited with inventing tapas because he was in a restaurant as the king and they put a piece of cured ham over his drink so either sand or fruit flies wouldn't get in it.

It's unclear which was. And he liked it so much he ordered his next drink con tapas, which means cover in Spanish. And so that's one of the mostly believed reasons we have tapas we have tapas, which is, I believe, a scourge on the American economy. You're getting two pieces of squid for $14 and splitting it between four people. You need 20 plates at restaurants now to get full. If we could save the economy, if we went back to you get a salad and you get fucking protein. Everyone, no sharing. No sharing. We get one dessert now you get fucking protein. Everyone, no sharing. No sharing.

We get one dessert now with groups. We're putting our spoon in the same ice cream dish. What the fuck? He's been ringing this bell as long as I've known him, my friend. King Alphonsus XIII, I think season two, we take him down. King Carlos, you're

freaking canceled. Thank you. Such an important point. The scourge of the tapas, not discussed enough, their root cause, not something, I mean, we obviously talk about it, but I don't think everyone here knew I knew about it. The problem with the tapas is that the small plate style of eating is it turns being full from a digital to an analog.

You know, it goes... You know, it's like you're hungry, you get a big plate of food, you're full. That process works. With the small plates, you're slowly turning a dial and you're never sure when dinner is really over. Not like, you know, like you know when the food's gone, but not in your heart. Yeah, you're like, do we have more food coming? Is that it?

Is it over? Yeah. Do we want another little thing? Sucks. Sucks. Powerful rant. It's like pissing while drinking. You know you're emptying, but you're filling up. That's exactly right.

Thank you. It's exactly right. You exert so much energy eating the tapas that by the time you're done with the tapas, you need more tapas. Tapas also, in some regions of Spain, was traditionally just free. that by the time you're done with the tapas, you need more tapas. Tapas also, it also is, in some regions of Spain, was traditionally just free.

It was just a little way to get you to drink more. Oh, wow. And then piss. That's interesting. It should be free. Who do you think, who do you think put tomato juice and vodka in a cup and was about to take it to somebody and said, hold on a second,

I got a crazy idea. I'm putting celery in it. It was clearly a prank that didn't work. Worst dessert? Yeah, give it to me. Come on. I think it was an alcoholic with health anxiety. It was like, this will fix it.

Let's spin it again. You know? Timing-wise. Dave, you know what I mean? You with me? It has landed on Poppy. Thank God, because there's stuff I have to get off my chest. Okay, I think at this point,

we're all questioning the Minnesota public school system, because I don't know if I... So related to this, I don't even know if I understand the assignment correctly, but this is what I came here with and this is what I need to get off my chest. I think it does relate to history. I can't believe that the Dan Brown novels aren't real. believe that the Dan Brown novels aren't real. Like, I can't believe the Da Vinci Code

isn't actually true because it feels so real to me. And when I watched it, I was like, has anyone not seen it? Am I going to spoil it if I give it away? I'm going to do it because I need to get this off my chest. I need community.

I think enough time has passed. Hey, if you're listening and you don't want to be spoiled for the Da Vinci Code, now is the time to crash your car. To fast forward 10 minutes because I, oh boy, do I have things I got to say. JK. But

the spawn of Jesus Christ exists and is the Holy Grail. What? How are we not looking for this person? That feels so real to me. Incredible. Angels and demons, hello. I dropped out by the time Inferno came.

Hello. Hello. Nuclear vision, hello. By the time the third movie came out, I was like, Inferno, I don't totally believe, but I really, up until Angels and Demons, that is my primary school history education,

I think. Angels and Demons. The Illuminati. Hello. Why aren't we asking more questions? We're in Los Angeles angeles also they're among us and why who who's out there unpacking this where am i i think i think actually i know who i think probably the flat earthers but if those are my people those are my people i need to talk to them i need somebody any community need community. So yeah,

related to this, also another history point I have to get off my chest. How is the Da Vinci Code? How is it 25% on Rotten Tomatoes? Because I did look it up. How many times have I seen it? I think seven. Because every time I have a new person in my life who is important to me, I show it to them. I just had a child two months ago. While I was pregnant, I made my child's father watch Da Vinci Code and Angels and Demons with me. Because we were going through things that were important to us.

And I was like, these are important to me. And then only afterwards, after watching it again for I think the sixth or seventh time, I was like, this movie rocks. It's so good. And then I Googled it. And I see it's 25% rock tomatoes. That's insane to me. What if right after you got out of here,

you walked straight off the stage into an ambulance? After doing the angels and demons, angels and demons. I know I'm having a psychotic breakdown. I'm not. I just truly, I think about this all the time. Hello. It's so real. Hello. Poppy, I just want you to know, one time I tweeted,

one thing my wife and I have in common is we're the only two people that like the Da Vinci Code. No. And every time it's on TNT. I watch it every time it's on TNT. We have this tweet up. Let's show the tweet. We can't be the only people who love it. There's three of us.

25% on Rotten Tomatoes. It's great. Ron Howard. People liked it. They made a second one. They don't make a second one. They made a third one. They made a third one.

So they're working. They're working for somebody. Angels and Demons is even lower on Rotten Tomatoes. Can I ask you a question? And Da Vinci Code. Does Tom Hanks, Robert Langdon, right? Does he have the same haircut in all three movies?

Yes! Because I remember seeing Da Vinci Code and the whole time I'm like, what the fuck's up with his hair? It's like not a mullet, but it's like he shaved the sides too short, but it's long. I want to watch the other two movies

to see what his hair did. Inferno, I think rightfully. Not good. It's not that. Yeah. I don't believe that one. That one is not history to me. But the first two. Now, I will say, and I mean this with nothing but respect. It was only,

I think, halfway through what you were telling us that I realized you were not referring to the books. Oh, no. No, I haven't read the books. A Ron Howard film. Right. I'm like, I don't know.

It just seems like if you like the movies and they aren't this important to you, there's probably a lot of lore and stuff in the books. Like maybe an audio. I would do an audio, but I would do going on. No, I would not. The book is like shot for shot, the movie. Is it shot for shot? That's cool. I love when that happens.

Well, the book is written like a movie. Literally, when you meet Robert Langdon, you're like, Robert Langdon, a Harrison Ford looking man, and it's like he wrote it to be a movie. The Da Vinci Code falls into the category of movies where a bunch of people find out that the biblical God is real, and it does not affect their behavior enough thereafter. is real and it does not affect their behavior enough thereafter like like in indiana jones he finds out that the ark of the covenant that story is correct like that what what was in the bible was true and then a couple years later his dad is like i'm gonna go look for the holy grail it's like you fucking daft idiot that's not not real. Everybody knows that's stupid. Mumbo jumbo fairy tale, non-bullshit Bible horseshit.

You saw God kill a room full of people in your presence. You were with a group of Nazis, closed your eyes, and opened them up, and they were bones. As they screamed and melted while you were surrounded by swirling demons. Then six months later your dad's like, hey, I think another part of the Bible may be real. Whatever, old man. You're a bad dad and you're an idiot.

I have a photo of the Indiana Jones skull melt on my laptop saved. Anyway. Anyway. I see you. I witness you. Let's spin it again.

If it's not me, I'm going to be annoyed. This thing is rigged. What are the chances that it didn't land on someone twice? This is rigged. What are the chances that it didn't land on someone twice? This is rigged. Hey, hey, it's showbiz. Showbiz. Let me say.

I have a rant. Have you guys seen The Da Vinci Code? You know, I remember seeing a documentary years ago called Who Killed the Electric Car? And it's a pretty good documentary, and it's a pretty standard story about how I can't remember what company it was. Maybe it was Toyota?

Ford? I can't remember. They made an electric car. GM. It was GM. American car company made an electric car, and they put a couple of prototypes out there, and they were great. They were very energy efficient ed begley jr owned one and it was going to be a big thing people were going to have evs

this was in like the 90s this is like 1997 and basically uh the car companies and the oil companies came together coalesced and they put so much lobbying into effect that they basically forced an american company to stop producing this car that there was a demand for that was good for the environment that was cheaper than a normal car would save you money on fuel and they basically killed this car and they literally went to ed bagley's house and like give us the keys to your car it's our car now bitch like, give us the keys to your car. It's our car now, bitch. And I really wish that those lobbyists who were sent to Capitol Hill to kind of kill that car, I wish they could have been chained together and thrown into the bottom of the ocean. Because if they didn't do that, EVs would have been normalized in 1998, 1999. Most of us would be driving an EV right now.

And one thing I can fucking guarantee you is that no one in this room would know what the fuck you're talking about when you say the name Elon Musk. They would think you're talking about a Star Wars character or some shit. And the fact that these EVs were fucking killed by a bunch of lobbyists,

and now I have to tolerate this moron, and he is a fucking moron. I'm sick of people being like, well, he is kind of smart. No, fucking moron. Dumbass. Fucking made a joke. Like, needed to offload shares of his fucking

stupid Tesla stock, which by the way, I love a car that blows up constantly. So fucking cool. He needed to offload this overvalued bullshit stock. So he's like, oh, I'm going to maybe buy Twitter. Maybe I'll buy Twitter. And then he fucking signed an agreement. And then the court of chancery in Delaware made him fucking do it. And now we have to live in this idiot's world. And if we just would have let Ed Begley Jr.

have his fucking EV, no one would know who this man is and our lives would be all the better. Thank you for saying that. And just one other thing I'll add. When I'm driving my Tesla and I turn left, it sounds like something is rolling

from the back left of the car to the right of the car. Does that happen to you too? What the fuck is that? What is it? What the fuck? And none of the pieces fit together. I make a left

and it sounds like something is rolling from the left side of my trunk all the way to the right side of my trunk. I go back there. I can't find a goddamn thing, not a bolt, not a screw, not a nut, not fucking anything. Hold on one second. Does that happen to you too?

So it wasn't in the trunk. It was in like the under. Nope, too slow. We're having news for you. It's going to get worse because he's pulling engineers off of Tesla to work on Twitter. Imagine you fucking went to the greatest engineering school and you're like,

I want to make electric cars to make the world a better place. And Elon Musk goes, you're moving to Twitter because Cat Turd 2 is being shadow banned. And we need all of our top people on this. Can you imagine this? Where is Cat Turd? Is he here tonight?

He's not here tonight. That guy doesn't leave. I don't think he leaves. I don't think he leaves. I don't think he's left his house. That's another rule that I think is very important that we should all implement. You can say whatever you want on social media,

but you have to at all times have a picture of the place you post from. Oh, God. You have to see the space. If you could just see the space. Just see the space where people are writing these ideas in. I think that would help us out. I think that would really do a lot

of good. In the full outfit. In the full outfit. You don't have to be wearing it. You just have to show what the outfit is. Like first day of school on the floor style. You know what I mean? Shoes, socks, pants, shirt, hat, bag. Yeah.

And everybody check out History of the World Part 2. Jesus Christ. And everyone, it's great. I actually genuinely love it. That's our show. Thank you so much to Ike Barinholtz, Mitra Jahari, Poppy Liu, and David Stassen. Thank you to Noya House for the hospitality. History of the World Part Two is out on Hulu on

March 6th. Have a great night and have a great future. Thank you.