Lovett or Leave It - If It Ain't Woke Don't Fix It

Episode Date: March 18, 2023

Lovett Or Leave It brings a stellar array of comedy’s best and brightest to the Dynasty Typewriter stage with a special stand up episode. Lovett and Emily Heller discuss dating strategies in this modern age of ours. Will Miles takes solace in Lifetime movies, while Ellington Wells shares the trials and tribulations of babysitting. Rob Haze takes on SCOTUS, and Cara Conners takes us camping. Ian Karmel reckons with the legacy of Kanye West, and we’ll be back next week with a classic Original Flavor Lovett Or Leave It, so enjoy! For a closed-captioned version of this episode, click here. For a transcript of this episode, please email [e-mail] and include the name of the podcast.

Hello, Los Angeles! Welcome to a very special episode of Love It or Leave It. It's an experimental episode. It is our stand-up episode. We have got a great show for you. Emily Heller will be joining me in a few minutes as my co-host. We also have an incredible lineup. Will Miles, Ellington Wells, Rob Hayes,

Kara Connors, and Ian Carmeller here. Alright, this is the part on the card where it says I disassociate. Something happened. So the other night, I took an Ambien at 9.45. And I did it the way you're supposed to do it. I took it. I put my phone down.

I turned the TV off. I turned the lights out. I laid myself to sleep. About 10.05, my phone rang, and I answered it. The last thing I remember is the phone ringing. The last thing my friend My friend remembers is my inviting her and her rabbi to a Seder. A Seder that doesn't exist. It wasn't her fault. She couldn't have known. She was calling on her way home from dinner,

and I was on my way home from having been home all night. But that is not where it ends. And I'll just say that the rest of this I am piecing together using contemporaneous records and information I gathered in the days that followed. It turns out that after I hung up this phone call, or more precisely I was hung up on, I did download OkCupid. And I set up a profile from beginning to end with photos, with prompts, quotes that mean a lot to me.

I then began exploring the offerings. However, it appears I did make a mistake, which is I got the swiping direction wrong. Shut up. I'm just figuring all this out. And so when I woke up in the morning, I discovered a horror, which is that I had liked a lot of people I was not interested in, and all the people that I thought were cool, well, I'll never see them again. I did pay for premium.

And I deactivated the account and deleted the app. The point is I'm single. Shut up. It's fine. I told you, this is going to be where I disassociate. All right. Let me ask you this. I'm 40 years old. More of a comment than a question. The last time I was single, my age started with a two.

I'm telling you, it was a pivotal 10 years. It was actually 10 and a half years, which is why it could start with a two and now start with a four. Here's the question. I want everyone to think about it, which is, what is the range of ages I should be putting on my dating? Now, don't say anything. OK, don't say anything yet.

And remember, I'm not asking you for what you would say on Twitter. I'm not asking what you would tell people. I'm asking what you would say to God when you're alone with the app. Everyone have a range? Everyone have a low number and a high number? Okay. Okay. I'm coming down. This is a safe space. Hi. Okay. Everybody be cool. And don't change your number. Everybody keep it. and don't change your number. Everybody keep it. 27 to 57.

Ooh. You know why you're proud of him? You're proud of him because of how high the high number was. You permit the lower number because the higher number shows that you have depth. You have depth of character. Hi, how are you? Hi. What should my range on Hinge be?

35 to 55. And I'm 66 and single, so. So we're both out there. What's your range set to? I don't have a range. I'm done. I'll see you soon. We'll be there.

We'll get there together. Do you have a sense of what the range should be? 30 to 50. 30 to 50? Everybody feel good about that? Okay. Okay. 30 to 50. 30 to 50? Everybody feel good about that? Okay. Okay. 27 to 50.

27 to 50. Now, let's talk about this for a second. Here's what I'm feeling, and I felt it myself, and it's this. You all want me to set that lower number to 27. That's where you want me to set it, but you know it's a little bit wrong. It's a little too low. So what you're doing to make yourselves feel better so you can fall asleep in your soft beds at night is you're having me set the high number high enough to justify setting that number of 27

sure you can go 13 down as long as you fucking go 10 up 27 to 33 i'm just kidding i'm just kidding I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. No, I'm not. I wouldn't. I wouldn't do it. I wouldn't do it. I couldn't. I couldn't fall asleep if I did it. Obviously, think about it.

You're not going to do it. Because here's the thing about it, which is, as I've discovered as a gay person moving through the world, it's that this is the curse of it, which is we bring the vulnerability and the heart of the straight woman to the dating world, but the kind of standards and broken minds of the straight man. One last point I'll make about this, which is one of the apps allows you to say a fun fact you love. Can anyone here think of what a fun fact they love is? Do you have a fun fact that you love? Can everyone think of one?

Can you think of a fun fact that you love? Does anybody have one? What's your fun fact? So Ralph's doesn't have an apostrophe because it was founded by two guys named Ralph. Ralph's doesn't have an apostrophe. Excellent. An excellent fun fact. What if I told you that this was the moment when I realized that there was no hope for me or maybe the world itself?

When I saw a fun fact I love and this person said, When I saw a fun fact I love, and this person said, JonBenet Ramsey had undigested pineapple in her stomach when she died. That may be true, but I'll tell you what it's not. It is a fact. It's not a fun fact, because it's about the autopsy of a murdered child. Please welcome Emily Heller.

You're really setting me up to succeed here. Stop shitting on my fun JonBenet Ramsey facts. That fucking age thing was just the creepiest game of Sudoku I've ever heard anyone play. What do you want out of life? That's the real question. You can't just put a number on it. There's always an older person in a relationship. You know what I mean?

Well, no, of course. But that's the point. Yeah. What I want is the person. You want the person to be 27. No, I don't want that. I actually don't want them to be 27. No.

No, I don't want them to be. Because you want to talk about where they were on 9-11. No, I don't want that. I actually don't want them to be 27. No. No, I don't want them to be. Because you want to talk about where they were on 9-11. No, they have to. And they need to remember it. I've said it once. I've said it a thousand times. The ideal person for me remembers 9-11, but not the Challenger explosion. That's perfect.

I'm sorry. I'm under 45. That's what I was moving this group towards, the understanding that as much as you wanted me to have the range go up as far as it went down, it wasn't tenable. It's a practical matter. Yeah, because people talk about the Challenger all the time, and you would be left behind.

Yeah, I can't be going to all these dinner parties with my partner and their friends going on and on about that teacher, and then I'll just have nothing to talk about. then you'll like panic and you'll start talking about john benet ramsey's autopsy it'll ruin the vibe everyone will leave setting the bar low is not in this pursuit of a person of that age is being open to the possibility that there might be a person of that age though unlikely that is the right Right. And it's probably someone who's 36 and lying about their age who you'll end up matching with anyway.

Hell yeah. Do people lie about their age and height on these things? They do? Not me. How are you, John? Five foot nine. Can we just, apropos of nothing, stand back to back real quick? And then I won't tell people how tall I am, which is 5'4"?

Listen, my actual height is 5'6 3⁄4". And I asked the nurse who measured me, can I say 5'7"? And she said, you can say whatever you want. The truth isn't what it used to be. It's a cool lady so you've joined I've joined here on the stage you haven't done stand up in some time I haven't done semi-retired I haven't done stand about

five years you're making it look great no I've been out of the game I've been out of the game for a while I did make that look great I'm working things out up here. Wait till we get to, I'm not done. We are the very surface. I have not done standup in so long

that I'm starting to have like dreams about it where like in the dreams, people will be like asking me to do it. And then I'll like scramble to write material. And then in the dream, I'll be like asking me to do it and then I'll like scramble to write material and then in the dream I'll be like well this material is so good I have to do it again and I woke up from one of those dreams remembering what the joke was that I wrote in the dream that was so good that it pulled me out of retirement it was just a premise but I like, this is such a rich premise. And then when I woke up, I remembered it. And the premise was, my life turned out different than I thought it would.

I mean, there's a lot to that. So look for some live dates on my social media very soon. Is that even true? I mean, I definitely didn't know that my life would end up here, but this is the amount of attention that I expected. Nice. I feel good about that. Okay, good.

It's over then. Now, Joe Rogan has opened up an anti-woke comedy club. Another reason to come out of retirement. And we decided tonight that I was going to also audition. Can we please bring out the anti-woke uniform, a.k.a. the comedian's leather jacket?

Oh, God. Thank you, Hallie. Thank you so much. Hallie Kiefer, everybody. He's going to put it on and transform into Andrew 12-sided dice clay. That's so good. What's the name of the little guy that Billy Crystal plays in Monsters, Inc.? Mike Wazowski.

Someone said that when I put that jacket on, that's what this gives off. And it was so mean. It was so mean to say that that's what this is. I don't look like that. So it's the energy. That's the energy of this. Philly Crystal and Monsters, Inc. Would you do me a favor real quick? Will you do like coming at your hands just for like a second?

All right. Are you ready for some of my anti-woke audition jokes? So this is just so we're clear. This is for you auditioning to perform at Joe Rogan's Anti-Woke Comedy Club. Yeah, I just think that I'm going to try to kind of tap into that market. Yeah, okay. Yeah. I mean, I think I'd have to work up to being, I don't think I'm going to get in there right away.

Like they have like big names like Roseanne Barr. Right, yeah. And I'm not Roseanne Barr. No, you have a few more slurs to say first. All right, are you ready? Here we go. Yeah. I'm telling you, these banks are so woke,

they aren't insured by the FDIC, more like FDIC, you in the wrong bathroom. Okay, wait. What? Is it a promise? Is it like a, oh, see you in the wrong bathroom?

Like that, what does that mean in this context? The banks will see you in the wrong bathroom? That sounds like they're saying they also see you in the wrong bathroom? That sounds like they're saying they also think it's the wrong bathroom. All right.

Okay, sorry. I'll be more supportive. At the Gridiron dinner last Saturday, two women experienced medical emergencies and received assistance from Dr. Fauci.

Don't worry. Dr. Fauci knew exactly what to do. He put masks on the dying women and went back to eating his salmon. Arrest that man! I am a sucker for jokes that end with

arrest that man. Me too. I love that one. I hate this jacket. I really hate it. I mean, it looks so heavy. You look like one of the transitional scenes in the movie Big, where... We need to get this guy to a Zoltar machine stat.

Colombian armed forces intercepted a homemade submarine off the nation's coast and found two dead bodies and $87 million worth of cocaine. Hey, what happened to the other $13 million of cocaine I ordered? Asked Hunter Biden. All right. Huh? Yeah. This is good, huh?

I think the more topical you go, the better, because then you... Then what? Then you can never keep working on the joke. You just get it perfect the first time, which you did. Don't worry, everyone. There's more where that came from. Now let's get to the show.

First, please give it up for the incredible Will Miles. Hi, Will. Hey, everybody. How's life? Come on, Los Angeles. How's life? I haven't done stand up in eight years. And this been one year. But I have a daughter, and I think I'm passing down, like, shit that's not good. Like, I got problems, and I think I'm giving them to her on accident.

I think one thing I just passed down and I noticed is that she's scared of everything, and that's something I have, too. I'm just scared of everything but we're walking down the street we pass by this bush and it's a regular bush but she she was passing by and she goes oh ah ah ah just out of nowhere confused the shit out of me and my wife we were like what's on? And then she explained to us that one day, years ago, there was a bee in that bush. Not years ago, but like weeks ago, she must have seen a bush with the bee right there. Like that bush had a bee. And so she freaked out and jumped twice, which is the height of infant emotion.

Just jumping high as hell. But I was like, damn, that's not good. You know, like there wasn't even a bee in the bush at the time. Like we looked, we was like damn that's not good you know like there wasn't even a bee in the bush at the time like we looked we were like i don't where's the bee and she was like oh it's not there now but like it could be there like oh so you jump because there's potentially a bee in that bush but there's not one but you thought maybe there was one maybe there could be and that's how i start the set my aunt when i was like 11 she was

like look whatever you do don't do crack which shocked me because i was like well i'm not gonna do crack why are you telling me that was me like finding out that she was trying to tell me that she did crack but that was her way of telling me being like hey don't do crack it's like i don't want to do crack why would i that's not something you got to tell me i've never probably ever going to do crack she was like just don't do it i was like oh okay so you must be fucked up right now like damn this crack must be good it's almost making me want to do crack now i heard 10 crack commandments i didn't ever want to be on the other side of that. I want to be the dealer.

I want to sell crack figuratively. You know, that's the business motto. It's like, yeah, I don't want to do the crack. This other guy told me some useless shit on the street. I was just walking by with my wife. My wife and I just moved to a new neighborhood because, you know, blowing up like you thought I would. And so we're moving in this new neighborhood.

We live there now. And we were walking around in, like, our first week. And we're just walking around the neighborhood being like, okay, what's happening here? And this guy walks up with his dog, and he passes by us, and he goes, oh, be careful walking around here. I got my ass beat right over there. And we were like, what?

Oh, God, we just moved here? Like, I was told this was a safe area what are you talking about he kept going he was like yeah i got my ass beat right over there i got fucked up we were like damn you gotta tell us what happened instead of just going on and on about how much you got fucked up so then he told us what happened he was like yeah i was just i was walking down the street and this big truck pulled up and the guy who was drinking a soda, he threw the soda out the window and we were like, wow, that guy already is a badass. He must have been the one to fuck you up. I wonder what happened. Then he was like, so I picked up the cup, I threw it back at the car and then I spit in the window, and I said, fuck you.

And the guy got out and beat my ass. And we were like, yeah, obviously. What did you think that was going to result in? I don't have to worry, but I'm never going to do any of those moves you did. I'll be fine walking around this neighborhood. I'm not an asshole. That's never going to happen to me.

Richter was his name, which also felt like a weird name. No offense to any Richters in the crowd, but you got a fucked up name. I found out I was Asian pretty recently. Pretty weird, right? I found out through Ancestry.com.

I went in and I punched in all the info. Well, my brother punched in all the info and did a swab, and I figured we had the same results. But it came back and it said, you're 15% Asian. I'm about to be 40. It means nothing to learn something. You know, like, well, I could care less at this age. It's not useful for me at all.

I don't have any connections to any Asian people. But that's not, that sounds crazy. I don't have any connections to any Asian people. Like you have no Asian friends. That doesn't sound correct. I have Asian friends, but apparently Asian family too. I mean, it came back, it said I was Chinese. I was like, of course I kind kind of figured I was Chinese. But that's the thing you kind of think about yourself, but you can't tell any of your friends. You can't roll up to your, like, your friend is like, yo, I'm obviously Chinese. And you're like, oh man, I think I might be a little Chinese too. You can't say that. But I did think I was a little Chinese because my grandma, she would show us these photo books back in the day. And you'd be looking through, And I remember looking through one and being like, yo,

are these three dudes Chinese? And my grandma's black. So she just said, no, we black. That was it. End of conversation. She's like, no, we black. Don't worry about it. We black. And I was like, yeah, we are black. I'm aware. But, but these three dudes, right? They're Chinese, right? I've seen Chinese people and that's, these are them. Like, yeah, we are black, I'm aware. But these three dudes, right? They're Chinese, right? I've seen Chinese people, and these are them. They look exactly like the Chinese people I've seen. But she was like, no, we black. And I was like, damn, I really, I got to rethink everything.

You start looking at Chinese people different, like, I think he's black. I don't know. Bruce Lee is black. But, yeah, so then I, like, found Ancestors.com. I went back to her. I was like, hey, turns out I was right. We're Chinese. She was like, oh, yeah, so?

Man, I really expected this to go different. This is a big reveal for me. But, yeah, so I'm Chinese. It's funny because I live in now a mostly Asian neighborhood. And so I didn't think anything of it. But another one of my neighbors walked up to me and was like, beware of Dave over there because he's racist. And I was like, damn, another thing I got to worry about in my new neighborhood?

Like, I already said hi to Dave. I can't take that back. I wish I could, but he's now my friend. I've already accepted him as a friend. And she was like, yeah, Dave hates Asians. And I was like, oh. Well, I got a secret for you, but maybe don't tell Dave. He doesn't need to hear about this, but I am Chinese, too.

I've been watching Lifetime movies because they're good as fuck. At last. Nigga rapping about lifetime movies but but no i mean i i watch them every day and i watch with pride because they're good and they're very simple you get the story right away and i was watching one and i put it on because i just put on the network sometimes and just wait to see what pops up and this one looked good it was called a very nutty christmas which already i was like i'm into this sounds good good title and then it kept going i hit info and it said info a very nutty

christmas a woman divorces her husband and begins dating a man who may or may not be a nutcracker that's come to life which i was i was excited about that for sure because I'm like oh great this sounds amazing already also may or may not be that's insane it's definitely a nutcracker that's come to life why even bring it up if that's not what happens what if they got to the end and he was like you thought I was what wow

I showed you pictures from high school you thought I was a wooden toy that came to life that is insane Wow. I showed you pictures from high school. You thought I was a wooden toy that came to life. That is insane. I watched the movie. He did end up being a nutcracker that came to life. It paid off in the end. It happened in a weird way where this woman was sitting reading,

and then she went to go make tea before she left. There's a nutcracker on the table. She gets back from making tea. There's no nutcracker anymore. There's a dude sitting on her couch dressed completely like a nutcracker. And she's like, where'd you come from? And he's like, oh, I'm Tom. I'm John's friend.

And she's like, okay. And I'm like, this white motherfucker just accepted that bullshit? That is insane. I thought maybe it was a lie and maybe the guy was not actually in Nutcracker that came to life, but his roommate was. He was like, this might work. I don't know.

Might get some ass. All right, you guys have been great. This set has been dedicated to my dad. He has passed recently. That's why I mentioned Biggie. I was his favorite rapper. So Biggie wasn't every joke I said because maybe they're smoking a blunt in heaven.

We can only hope. So this is for Pops. Give it up to Pops. Peace. Thanks. Will Miles, everybody. That was so great. One more time for Will.

That was awesome. And check out Will on the very funny south Side on HBO Max. Hey, Emily. Yes. I have a question. Yeah. And I'm never going to be cool

because I'm going to ask it and it doesn't reflect well on me to ask it. Uh-huh. I think even though it's embarrassing to ask, am I too famous for Hinge? Shut up.

Okay. That's exactly what I didn't want. The answer can be no. Here's the thing. So I have not done online dating since OkCupid was a website.

Yep. That's where I'm at. I don't really know the vibe of Hinge, but I do think you should be prepared for people to... I think you're famous enough that people are going to screenshot your profile and send it to each other.

Oh. And it's like, how comfortable are you with that? Yeah, I'm so demure. Oh, no. People will find out I'm a fucking loser. I think it's fine.

I think it's fine. But you are going to be on... You're on Raya? Are you going to... Here's the thing. I am on Raya, and it's no good. think it's fine. But you are going to be on, you're on Raya? Are you going to? Here's the thing. I am on Raya and it's no good. It's no good. Yeah.

It doesn't work. I don't know what kind of life the people that make Raya live. I don't know what kind of life Raya thinks I live. But a fashion photographer in Brussels? You don't want to take your PJ over there and just pop over for some stroopwafel and

just feel it out? It's like, I'll get a profile that's just like a shirtless hunk that says like visiting Mexico City from Milan. It's like, okay. How do I fit into this? What they need is a Raya

for people like you where it's like, Raya, but okay, hear me out. You know what I mean? Like people who really don't want that Raya vibe, but are too famous for Hinge. Something in between.

Yeah. Is that what J-Date is? There's another one. There's a one called Lox Club, and it's like... Called what? It's called Lox Club. Lox Club? Oh, like for... Jews. Okay. For bagel eaters, if you will. Yes.

And that one's like, it takes all the private equity guys from New York that are on Raya and concentrates them. It's one place. Sounds horrible. So you're doing more Joe Rogan jokes? Yeah, here we go.

Pretend I'm wearing the leather jacket. I couldn't physically be seen in it anymore. This past Sunday, the film Everything, Everywhere, All at Once dominated the Academy Awards,

winning seven Oscars including Best Picture. Everything, Everywhere, All at Once, more like Alone in My my basement watching Top Gun. So wait, in that joke, you're saying like, I'm one of you, a loser. That's like the message you're sending

to the Joe Rogan people. Yeah. Okay. We like Top Gun. Yeah. You know, I have sort of had my own brush with cancel culture recently. Tell me about it.

Because I tweeted a joke about Lady Gaga's Oscar performance of the Top Gun song. Oh, yes. Let me tell you. I saw what you did. I saw you step in it. I saw you step right in it. The wrath of the mob of the little monsters. Unlike other woke mobs, these ones are very comfortable calling you fat.

other woke mobs, these ones are very comfortable calling you fat. Do not tweet negative things about Lady Gaga for your own safety, is all I will say. And you're okay? You made it through? I made it through okay. I think that if I felt bad about my body, I might not be.

But I'm beautiful. Nice. They did a lot of posting of pictures I had posted to try and own me. Pictures where I was looking stupid on purpose to be like, look at you. And I'm like, yeah, and? Can you teach me how you do that?

Because that's my Achilles heel. They've got me. That's why I can't cross any of these people. You cannot cross the little monsters. They've got me. They've got me. That's why I can't cross any of these people. You cannot cross the little monsters. Really, any group. They were like, there were three different responses that were verbatim, focus on eating. And I was like, okay, that is what I'm doing right now.

A professor at Loyola says the recent TikTok trend of pantry porn, in which people show off how tidy and organized their kitchen cabinets are, is actually steeped in white supremacy and traditions of sexism. That's right, guys. Showing off the hyper-organized massive pantry filled with row after row of processed foods advertised to your children in your shiplap-covered McMansion, surrounded by nearly identical homes in a sprawling, unwalkable neighborhood as a means of seeking a kind of status that in your bones you know is empty means there's something wrong with this country?

Get over yourselves. We're happy. I feel like for it to work with the crowd that you're pitching to, you gotta end it with like a, you dumb bitch. Send this guy to jail. Well, I have a, I have a, I have,

I do have a tag. Okay, yeah, go for it. Organizing your pantry is patriarchy? Funny, that's exactly the lie I told my wife to get out of going to the container store. Arrest Fauci! It's good. It's good.

Let's do one more. Students at Wellesley College have supported a non-binding referendum that calls for the Women's College to open admissions to all non-binary and transgender applicants, including trans men. To be fair, was a women's college ever really going to subscribe to logic?

Women be shopping for more people to include in their universities. Yeah, that was a tough one. That was tough, but I think that was maybe the best one. It was so good that I think maybe

you shouldn't even do any of the other ones. All right. Well, let's keep him moving. Hey, don't go anywhere. There's more of Love It or Leave It coming up.

All right, you guys ready to keep the show going? Up next, please welcome to the stage the very funny Ellington Wells. Hello. Oh, my God. I really want to start telling you my jokes, but I've been really, like, stewing about something backstage. I sometimes nanny for a five-year-old and today he told me

that I don't know what a neighborhood is. And at first I was obviously completely pissed off and wanted to strangle his little neck. Like I obviously know what a neighborhood is. But then I was in the car driving over here and I was like, wait a minute. What is the definition of a neighborhood? It's like, obviously it's like a hood where all your neighbors are. That's what's on my mind. Okay. I want to get something out of the way. I want to get something out of the way. I am mixed race. I don't want anyone, like, worried about it, you know?

It is the winter, okay? I get it. I'm kind of like a special mix, though, okay? I'm the Meghan Markle mix. Which means my mom is black and gorgeous and my dad is white and no matter how successful I become he's not coming to my wedding so it's a technical term

you know I'm so grateful for Meghan Markle like mixed girl coming out here getting in the news I hope she's always in the news for me to be able to talk about myself more before that like every halloween if i went to work without a costume on people were like oh i get it rachel dolezal like i'm not wearing a costume i grew up i'm like really light-skinned but i grew up feeling really black i grew up, I'm like really light-skinned, but I grew up feeling really black. I grew up in Vermont. Has anyone ever been there?

Has anyone here been there? Okay, okay, okay. So when you went to Vermont, you clapped. You've been? When you went to Vermont, what did you do there? Snowboarding. Snowboarding, yes. Exactly.

And you've been to Vermont? Yep. And what were you doing there? Hanging out on the lake. Hanging out on the lake. Hanging out on the lake. Another great camp. Another great example. So like Vermont, if you haven't been,

is technically a white safe space. It's kind of an easy way to remember it. It's like if you want to do anything spiritually white, snowboarding, camping, socialism, Vermont. And I grew up with my mom, who is black. Cool. Cool for you to shout at me. And I just grew up feeling really black. Like my mom and I, this is true. My mom and I were on the cover of the Burlington Free Press one time for celebrating Kwanzaa. Period.

They were just like, look at these black people celebrating their heritage. Who taught them to do that? It's like a full-page investigation. They were like, no, who's teaching them? Who? I grew up feeling really black, but now as I get older,

I can feel the whiteness inside me getting stronger. Ooh. Pretty scary feeling. It's like every other day now I find a new Fleetwood Mac song I like. I'm like, okay, there's kind of a lot going on here. There's like a whole back story the other day this five year old told me

he was like can you spell traffic light for me and I was like T-R he's like stop I'm saying traffic light I'm like yeah T-R he's like traffic light it's C-H I'm like I'm done traffic light I'm like yeah T-R he's like traffic light

it's C-H I'm like I'm done with your ass okay you do your homework not me I'm doing dishes God

I do find as a millennial it is hard to not date a DJ anybody else? I'm having a very hard time there was like I was just like dating these guys and I would vet them I'd be like are you a DJ they'd be like no I'm a music supervisor I'm like that feels doesn't feel right I mean obviously calm down for a second if you are stressed about what

I'm saying about DJs I'm only talking about white men because if you're a person of color and you make a beat you're a producer everybody knows that everybody knows that those are the rules I don't make them Kanye West does and I just follow them I just follow the rules I don't know I haven't dated in a while though I stopped dating for like two years don't know. I haven't dated in a while, though. I stopped dating for like two years. Did you know that if you're bad at something, you can just stop doing it? I was like, I don't have to do this. So I stopped doing it. But I am wondering, like, people who are dating, are there still DJs out there, like, in the mix? Really? So what you're telling me is that they went into quarantine for two years

and all they could do was think about what they're doing and they still came out a DJ. Go back in there. Come out with an engineering degree for Christ's sake. I stopped dating for two years and like, I love it. Highly recommend. But my friends are kind of like annoyed with me because I don't really have a lot to say to them when we hang out. They're like, what's new with you? I'm like, my laundry takes forever. I don't know. My laundry takes a really long time. Does anyone else have that problem? Like laundry is too long. I realized that my laundry takes a long time because I have so many socks. And I have so many socks because my stepdad, Rick, gets me socks every Christmas

from Costco. I still have the socks from last year, bud. They make them pretty good now. You've known me since I was three. Maybe you could learn one thing about my personality. Get me a gift based on that. I don't know. Oh, you guys love Rick? What are you, my mom? Rick is a bad dude, okay? I'm going to tell you three reasons why Rick's a bad dude.

Okay, one, when Rick came out to visit me in L.A., I took him to Sugarfish, which is a fancy sushi restaurant. I like to pretend I'm fancy. And he pretended like he didn't know what edamame was. I'm like, you know what it is, Rick? You buy it from Costco. Two, I went home recently, and I walked into the living room and I found him on my computer. He's like, what are you doing, Rick? Why are you on my computer?

He's like, oh, I'm looking for games. I'm like, what year is it? Three, he cheats. Yeah, not on my mom. But at puzzles and stuff. I bet you didn't even know you could cheat at a puzzle. At the beginning of the puzzling, he takes a piece, puts it in his pocket, so he can be the last one to finish the puzzle.

He's a son of a bitch! And that motherfucker imprinted on me. Can believe that now i'm dating djs and no no i you know i date men and women i mean oh big surprise nobody's gasping at that i look like i run a mommy mommy and me softball league like I everybody knew but I really hate I really I can't if anyone even thinks bisexual at me I'm gonna freak out I can't do that term anymore it just doesn't mean anything anymore the only thing bisexual means is that you're wearing baggy clothes but you're hinting at a tiny waist. Like, that's it now. Like, Rachel Dolezal came out as bi.

You can't, we can't be using the term anymore. It's gone. It's done. And it's crazy to me, like, I don't even think, like, it's not even a big deal to be, like, bi. Like, who cares? Like, every, every like straight guy that I've ever met really is like there's always

one guy that they're like oh I wouldn't kick him out of bed you guys heard that you know they're always like oh Harry Styles I wouldn't kick him out of bed I'm like what are you talking about Rick you're in a committed relationship with my mom thanks guys I'm Ellington Wells. Have a great night!

Ellington Wells, everybody. That was awesome. Thank you so much. One more time. You can find her on Instagram and YouTube at Ellington Wells. More jokes.

Also, okay, so just so I understand the conceit of this a little bit more. So you're going to make this a tape that you're going to send to them as your audition. Yeah, that's right. I'm going to make an audition tape. Yeah. Okay, great.

It'll work as well as the one I did for SNL on The Daily Show. What characters did you do in your SNL audition? I did. I'll tell you which characters I did. Cause that is real, which is, uh, one of them was a carb, uh,

trying to seduce a woman. Okay. That's fun. It was pretty good. It was, I'll tell you what happened. I'll tell you what happened. I met Lauren Michaels and we got to talking for a while.

It was around the time that I had left being a speechwriter. I had been known for writing a lot of political jokes. I had been doing this show for NBC. And we talked for a long time. And at the end of the conversation, as if in passing, he said, well, we're doing auditions. I'm not going to do the voice. Well, we're doing auditions. And he said, well, we're doing auditions. I'm not going to do the voice. Well, we're doing auditions. And he said, well, we'll be doing auditions.

And if you happen to be in New York next week, we'll be doing auditions. And if you want to come, you should come. And then that was it. And he was gone. And I was like, did Lorne Michaels just ask me to audition for SNL? That can't be right.

And so I called my agent. And I said, this happened. And he said, as a supportive agent he was, that can't be right. He's like, have you been taking Ambien again? But sure enough, that's what happened. He checked in and it was like, yes, it was a real kind of oblique but real offer. And so then I had like four days to come up with the characters I would do. You turned into a character comedian.

Yeah. All of a sudden. And I also, my managers at the time were like, don't do this. Don't do this. And her point was, it's all fun and games till they don't like you anymore. Then you've spent, you know. You've spent your audition. You've spent your audition.

And so then we made a deal. And the deal was I was going to put together a bunch of characters over the weekend, which I did. And then on Monday, I went into their offices. I was going to do the characters for a bunch of people at the management company. And if they thought it was worth it, I was going to go to New York. And so I spent all weekend working, and then I did them. And I remember the look on her face, and it was very cool. It was the kind of face that was like, maybe. It was like,

fuck yeah. It's like, you know, the pivotal end of act one moment in every biopic. Those are the ones that get made. This is the biopic that doesn't get made

because there is the pivotal act one moment. Then there's the act two moment where you shit the bed because you have never auditioned in front of anyone in real life before and you panic and are sweating through all of your clothes

and other people's clothes in New York City. And that audition, famously, they do not laugh. Even for Will Ferrell, they did not laugh. It is unbelievable the hostile experience that is stepping onto that stage. My first time auditioning for anyone in my whole life. The hubris of it. The arrogance of it.

That I'm going to walk onto this stage where Will Ferrell was once and I'm going to be like, here's something I came up with yesterday. One time my agent sent me on an audition and i'm like not an actor and i was like i don't think they want me for this because it's a men's role and he was like they're thinking of rewriting it and making it a lesbian and i was like i'm also not a lesbian but okay and so i just like i was like there's no way i'm getting this i don't't know why I'm going. I'm not off book, whatever.

I walk into the room. Norman Lear is watching the audition. Norman Lear? Norman Lear. Legend Norman Lear? And guess what? What? I did not get the part. It was not a good audition.

They went with a man. Oh no, did we talk too much and now you can't do any of those jokes? How about between now and when we come out again, you pick a really good one. Thanks, Emily. Let's keep the show moving.

All right, you guys ready to keep going? All right. Please give a warm welcome to Rob Hayes, everybody. What's good, people? That much? All right. L.A. is so soggy. We do not do the rain well.

Oh, my God. No sled in none of the streets. I'm getting all these emergency alerts for puddles. Just whole sides of trees on the ground. These palm trees don't know what's hitting them. I saw a palm tree the other day. He had his hand on his hips. It's just like, what is going on here?

What is happening? Like, you watch those shows, and they show you, like, on set, you know, if you look, like, in the back, everything's just made out of wood. That's what this whole city is. This whole city is just wood in the back. Just like a set piece. When they made these roofs, it was hot.

They're like, we can get off at 3. It's never going to rain. Don't worry about the gutter. Just slap that on. We don't need that. It's rough going to rain. Don't worry about the gutter. Just slap that on. We don't need that. It's rough out here. What's up with the Supreme Court? What's going on with them, man?

You got a job for life. I don't understand. They're like, we can't forgive loans. It's not fair to the people that pay the loans. Like, is it constitutional or not? That's your job. Your job is not about fairness. You don't never be like, well, it's not fair to make a bridge there.

There's other bodies of water that don't have bridges. Like, what are y'all doing, man? It's not fair that other kids grew up with a pool. And they could pay for school and they grew up with a pool. I had to share bath water with my sister. Don't use all that hot water. Okay, your sister got to take a bath after you.

That's where I grew up. They don't even know about that bath water struggle. Then they get school paid for. Now I pay the water bill. I'm like, how much does it cost to fill up a tub? That's the cheapest bill. Like, everything is more than a water bill. Like, how much was filling up a tub in 95?

Because y'all serious about that bath water. These kids don't know that struggle. They talk about fairness. What's not fair is that they call your name at the beginning of class to say that you got a balance. That's not fair. Like, this is my last class. Let me take some good notes. Oh, okay.

Everybody here. No one had that stress. Everybody's like, what are you talking about? Oh, I never thought about that. My name was never called. Okay. At the beginning of class, they call the names of everybody that's got a balance. And then you're just sitting there like, man, this might be my last day here.

I don't know if it's going to work out. So messed up, man. They talking about fairness. I don't know if it's going to work out. So messed up, man. They talking about fairness. I don't get it. Like when they went to college, it was so cheap. College was like $200 when they went. You could just save up all your change from going on field trips and pay for a year of school. Like why are they tripping? They're employed for

life, literally. Making all kind of rules about women's bodies and stuff. I don't think a man should make a rule about a woman's body. But I'm not a reliable source. Like, I failed women's studies. I told my professor, I was like, I don't think it's a man's place to write about women's issues. She was like, that's no reason to plagiarize your final paper. I was like, what is plagiarism? Can you

really own ideas? She's like, you should have wrote your paper about that. That would have at least got a D. What's y'all favorite dinosaur? Everybody's got one. We don't ever talk about it, man. Everybody's got a favorite.

We never met them, but we got favorites. Anybody? Anybody got one on their heart? Stegosaurus. Stegosaurus, you don't trust people. Like somebody might come behind me at any moment. I got to have the sparks on my back. Ready with the spikes.

My favorite dinosaur was the brontosaurus. I like the brontosaurus. But then we went around the class and everybody in class that was man, they were all like, I like the T-Rex. I like the Velociraptor.

And so then when it came to my turn, I was like, I like Velociraptors. That's where I learned who I am. I'm willing to switch up for the group. I'm not willing to be my real self

by myself. A lot of people don't know who they are that early. I learned who I was real quick. I had a big brontosaurus at the house. It didn't matter. I was like, no, I like the T-Rex. I want the short arms. I think that's cool.

A lot of people don't know who they are, man. It's a whole online debate about whether people are corny, people are a square. I feel like us squares, we got to start taking it back. Who doesn't want to be a square? Square, that's perfection. Don't even talk about that. Square is short for perfect square. Who doesn't want perfection? Squares don't happen in nature.

A circle, you can find that in nature. An orange, that's a circle. Your pupil, that's a circle. Your nipple, that's a circle your pupil that's a circle your nipple that's a circle that's not special you got two circles on your chest a square you gotta have math to have a square you find a square on mars that means somebody's been there you ever been to a concert on time that's the kind of stuff squares do you know the great conversations you could have You ever been to a concert on time?

That's the kind of stuff squares do. You know the great conversations you can have watching them set up? Man, that speaker is huge. How are they holding that up? Thin little wire, that's amazing. People are like, I don't want to be a square. I don't want to be with the square. What if I get an altercation?

Squares, we don't get no altercations. We film them. Who do you think's uploading those videos to Twitter? That's us. We got a full battery. Backup battery in our back pocket. I'm a philanthropist. I gave $4 to Wikipedia.

They only asked for $3. I was like, take this other dollar, make a link or something. Do something with that. Because all these other apps, they always ask you for so much more money. I was like, yo, give me $13.99. Give me $10.99. Give me $8.99.

I'll give you some ads. Like, Wikipedia is just like, yo, whatever you got in your pocket, I would really appreciate just whatever, you know. I appreciate Wikipedia. They stay in their lane. They never trying to do other stuff.

Everybody else trying to do something else. You click an article, then there's a video that pops up. Like, no, now I'm at work. I'm trying to read, ladies. If I wanted to hit play, I would have hit play. What the heck y'all doing?

They're never making content. There's nobody like, yeah, I'm head of programming at Wikipedia. We got a new channel. We just working out the kinks. Y'all ever think about Mount Rushmore?

I want to see a before picture. How do I know that mountain didn't already look like faces? How do I know people weren't walking by like, that's the most Abraham Lincoln looking side of a mountain I've ever seen.

This country's wild. They stole a country and then put faces on it. Like think if you had a van and I stole it and wrapped it with my face. You'd be pissed off. You see me at a red light and I'm just on the side of your van. You'd be pretty off. You see me at a red light, I'm just on the side of your van,

you'd be pretty upset. You guys have been wonderful. My name's Rob Hayes. Rob Hayes, everybody. Rob Hayes, everybody. That was great. Thank you so much. One more time for Rob.

Don't go anywhere. This is Love It or Leave It, and there's more on the way. We're sitting. You're going to sit. Yeah, I have a feeling this next part is going to take it out of me. Well, you know what? You know what? Ye of little faith, because I've come to decide something.

I've come to feel something, which is anti-woke comedy is not for me. Okay. I'm going to go the other way with it. And I'm going to become... The anti-woke dramatist? I want to make jokes that are so pure in their progressiveness. I want to do things that

people on Twitter will be like, wow, I didn't realize AOC was a conservative until today until I heard your humor I thought I was progressive because I voted for Bernie Sanders with Elizabeth Warren as my second choice but I realize now that he's a fascist pig

that's what I'm striving for a statue of Christopher Columbus that was removed from Newark New Jersey in 2020 has now been replaced by a monument to Harriet Tubman. With all due respect to Harriet Tubman,

I don't think we should be laughing about the fall of an Italian ex-icon. What? This is just shameless gaga pandering now.

Conservatives like Ron DeSantis and Josh Hawley have been publicly blaming the fall of Silicon Valley Bank on, you guessed it, wokeness. Folks, with an X, it's working. First we got the M&Ms,

then a regional bank, next we take down capitalism and our real enemy, the family. These are good. This is a better direction. I like this more. On Emily Ratajkowski's podcast, These are good. Yeah. This is a better direction. I like this more. On Emily Ratajkowski's podcast, Diplo discussed having received a blowjob

from a man at least once, saying he doesn't know if it's gay unless you make eye contact. You laugh. Some of us can't make eye contact because of sensory processing issues. Think about that the next time you're sucking off Diplo.

All right. These ones are better. These are better. I'm standing back up, guys. I'm standing back up. She's back. Emily's back. All right, let's keep the show going.

Guys, put your hands together for Carrick Connors, everybody. Hi, hi, hi. Hi, hi, hi. Hi, hi, hi. Hey! How's everybody doing tonight? Okay, good. I'll clear the air. I know that I look like if they

let Timothee Chalamet start eating again. I really do hope they let him start eating again. Poor guy. I don't know. I'm start eating again. Poor guy. I don't know. I'm glad to be here, though. It's a little bit weird to be here, though.

It's kind of scary times right now. I'm sure you guys feel it. Scary friggin' times, right? I wake up every single day terrified. Then I'm going to wake up. I'm going to open my phone, and I'm going to see Elon Musk is bisexual. And I'm going to wake up, I'm going to open my phone, and I'm going to see,

Elon Musk is bisexual. Now I have to welcome him into the community. Jeff Bezos, gender fluid. I can't do it! I won't! Sorry, guys. That was kind of weird. I'm just kind of in a weird place right now actually um five of my close friends

recently came out to me as pregnant and i just feel like that's dark energy you know what i mean like i don't really know like what is happening i don't know it just it makes me concerned for the straight community it's like there's a lot i don't know what is going on like straight't know. It just, it makes me concerned for the straight community. It's like, there's a lot, I don't know what is going on. Like straight people are just so obsessed with like starting a family. You know, it's like they turn 25. If they're single,

they freak out. They're like, I have to go on a reality show. Right. They're just like, I have my real estate license. You know, I,

my dad got me this condo and I just want, I've now I want to find my man. I want to find my co-pilot. Where is he? Where's my co-pilot? I want to build an empire. What is it with straight people and their desire to form LLCs

with their partners? It's a very disturbing trend. I kind of have controversial opinions about the topic, though. I actually feel that if you are a man and you impregnate a woman who's under the age of 30,

I think that you belong on the registry. Some of you guys are like, Bed Bath & Beyond? Or like, the Sex Offender Registry? It's like, we don't even let these women

have a childhood anymore. So, if you can't take the heat, get out now. Because I got, I'm freaking, you guys might not know this, I'm a freaking bad boy of comedy up here

got tons of controversial opinions you guys want to hear some of them controversial opinion number one cats don't like them I know thank you if you guys don't think that's controversial saying that in my community I could be killed I don't know if you guys actually understand I love animals I love animals, I just don't, I feel like cat people are always trying to convince me, you know

they're always trying to convince me, they're so cute they're like, oh oh, he's making biscuits he's making biscuits oh He's making biscuits. Oh, the biscuit factory's busy today. And I'm like, well, I'm fucking bleeding. Sorry, guys. Got a lot of controversial opinions, man.

Camping. Camping. Right? Thank you. man camping camping right thank you we'll stop collectively agreeing to lie about that camping fucking sucks when i get invited to go camping this is all i hear oh goody you mean i get to spend eight hours on a a Saturday packing up my car with a worse version of everything I already own in my house right there. Oh, oh, oh!

And then I get to get in my car and drive to a parking lot full of Trump flags and sleep on razor-sharp rocks. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, please. Can I brush my teeth with a water bottle, please? Please. My night won't be complete. I want to brush my teeth with a water bottle

and then freeze my dick off. You can, you can, but first, we have to clean dishes for 10 hours. So relaxing, right? Come home, every time I go camping, I come home so relaxed. Oh, God, that was great. Whenever I talk about this,

I always get some angry-ass dyke coming up to me at the end of the show. Gay people can be homophobic. It's okay. If you didn't know that I was gay by now, I'm, like, actually really scared for you. But there's always some just, like, Subaru'd out, you know, decked out, tear-away pants dyke coming up to me. Oh, so you don't like nature? It's kind of sad. It's kind of. Oh, so you don't like nature? It's kind of sad.

I guess you don't like nature. Well, you've never been with my family, because my family, we actually have a spot. Yeah, we actually have a spot. It's pretty great. It's like, I don't want to go to your spot. I have an apartment. You know?

I live in a studio apartment with my Gen Z girlfriend. Okay. No, I love it. It's awesome. It's a studio apartment, but functionally it's kind of more of a TikTok content creator house. It's pretty fun. We make it work. We actually live inside of a ring light. No, it's great. It's great. I don't mind like living in such a small space. Like the only thing that can be challenging is it can be challenging if you're a couple and you live in a studio apartment, it's hard to sort of invite

friends over and then kind of not make it seem like you're trying to approach them for a threesome. Right? Because it's always the same. It's like, come on in, sit wherever you like. Bed's open, you know? Find it puts people on the defensive. And sometimes we are approaching our friends for a threesome, so it gets a little bit confusing. That's where boundaries are so important.

I go to therapy. I do love going to therapy. I love talking about therapy on stage because some people get immediately super defensive. They're just like, I don't need it! Okay. I wasn't talking to you directly. I do love therapy, though. I just feel like 50 minutes a week is not really enough right it's always the same it's like you get in there the first half of your session you're catching them up on your week

and all the bullshit and this person said this and this person said that and the second half I like to run my set it's my time she always says that it's my time In the second half, I like to run my set. It's my time. She always says that. It's my time. I'm not much of an impressions person, but can I actually just do one quick impression for you guys?

This is my impression of every therapist I've ever met. Come on in. That's it, guys. That's the whole impression. Thank you. Why are therapists always freezing cold? What is it about, like, empathy and an inability to maintain your core body temperature? I'm serious.

Like, my therapist is always, like come in she's wearing like 11 scarves she's always shivering like adjusting her personal heater she's wearing like a hand woven knit poncho you know just like still freezing and she's like okay let me just grab this rug off the floor

okay where should we begin right I'm the opposite like therapy gets me getting hot. You guys do? You guys get turned on at therapy?

That's where we go, right? I feel like I just spend the whole time, like, I feel like I usually just spend, like, the whole time, like, 50 minutes just, like, flirting with her.

Pretty much, you know? There's no one's approval that I want more than my therapist. I'm just, like, flirting with, like, I'm just, like, I mean, for context, like, she's also, like, a really, like, cute lesbian, and so, you know, it's like,

there's tension! I don't know. I don't take it that seriously. I think that's my problem. Like, I'm always just, like, joking around. You know, the whole time, it's, like, joke city in there. You know, I'm trying to get her to laugh.

I'm like, do you mind if I sit in your chair? You know, like anything, like maybe I could take some notes today, you know, like anything. Anyway, I'm like trying to find the line of like what is inappropriate. It's like, oh, you're right. That's not funny. I shouldn't joke about that. You know. The whole time, fucking joke city in there until the very, very end

when you get sort of that classic therapy cue, you know? They kind of lower their voice like, okay, so we're just, we're going to start wrapping up. We're just about to the end. We're just about to the end, right? I don't know what happens for me in that moment, but when they tell me that we're just about the end, something in my brain like switches off.

Like this like switch just goes off and I'm just like, say something crazy, say something fucking crazy. Say something absolutely insane. Say something, the next client's not coming in. There's no way that your session is ace. I've never even fucking heard it before. I'm like, I want to be a horse! Okay, we are going to start with that

next week. You guys have been a lot of fun. I'm Kara Connors. Thank you. Give it up for Kara, everybody. And you can see her weekly show, Straight for Pay, every Tuesday night at the Glendale Room. All right, are you ready for, I'll do two more progressive jokes.

Okay, good. Really blow some minds. The Daily Beast reported this week that Ron DeSantis' potential presidential campaign is being donked by questions about the governor's poor social skills and manners, describing awkward, stilted interactions with voters and a very strange story about how he eats dessert. Quote, during a private plane trip from Tallahassee to Washington, D.C. in March of 2019, DeSantis enjoyed a pudding dessert by eating it with three of his fingers, according to two sources familiar with the incident. Now, look, I'm no fan of DeSantis,

but I think it's shameful the way even progressives are mocking this neurodivergent king. Emily, you're sitting in front of pudding. What three fingers are you using to eat it? Wait, let's at the same time raise our hand or hands in front of pudding, what three fingers are you using to eat it? Wait, let's at the same time raise our hand or hands with the three fingers we're using for the pudding.

You're going to use three. I just want to say before I hold up my fingers, I've heard it's not gay if you don't make eye contact with the pudding when you do it. All right, you ready? Uh-huh. One, two, three. with the pudding when you do it. All right, you ready? Uh-huh.

One, two, three. That's not true. You don't do the shocker. Come on. I couldn't even figure out how to do it. I messed it up. This is the shock. This is it.

That's how he eats the pudding. Are you guys impressed? Is this good podcasting? And finally, Joe Rogan's anti-cancel culture comedy club, Comedy Mothership, opened last week with a lineup of cancel comedians, including Roseanne Barr, who released a new comedy special in which she said,

my pronouns are kiss, my ass. I don't endorse everything Barr has said, but if that's how kiss identified, we should respect ass wishes. You know? Yeah. It's good.

It's good. Anything else to add? No, I think that was good. I do think it's funny when people are like, I don't use pronouns. And it's like, you just did, bro. You literally just did. We live in a stupid time. A stupid and dangerous time. And as it gets dumber, it gets more dangerous.

And as it gets more dangerous, it gets dumber. And that's part of the challenge. All right, you guys ready for our last comedian? Please welcome to the stage the incredibly funny Ian Carmel, everybody. Hello, everybody. How are you doing tonight? Make some noise.

Yeah! My name's Ian Carmel and my pronouns are kiss my ass. Good joke. It's a good joke. It's a solid joke, because it's true. You know what I mean? That's the kernel of great comedy. What am I going to talk about?

Let's figure it out all here together right now. I'm Jewish, which congratulations to me. It's a strange time to be Jewish right now in America. Anti-Semitism is on the rise, but it's still so far below a lot of the other problems. Like worrying about being a Jew in America right now, it's like having a broken ankle at the emergency room. Like you're sitting there like, oh fuck, this sucks. Somebody going to do something about this? This is terrible. I hate that. And then somebody gets rushed by with, like, three gunshot wounds,

and you're like, oh, oh, oh, okay. Well, you know, a little perspective is nice. That's good. That's good. It does suck, though. It does. It does suck. It's a little weird.

Like, the Jews keeps trending on Twitter all the time. It keeps trending on Twitter, and every time I go look at it, every time I click on it, like, it's gonna be good one of these times. Every single time! I just have never learned my lesson. I go into it with the energy of a Dickensian orphan

sticking my head up against like a sweets shop every time I click on it thinking like what's gonna happen would they just name the three safest religions and we came in number two what happened never it's always bad they're never like we're giving the Jews jet skis it's not I'm a 38 year white man, so the Kanye West hating Jews thing absolutely devastated me. I took it really hard when Kanye decided he hated Jews. It was maybe the worst thing that's happened to me in the last five years. I spent a lot of my time and energy defending that man to everyone around me all the way up until the Jew thing. defending that man to everyone around me all the way up until the Jew thing.

Like, all the way. When he ran on stage and took Taylor Swift's award, I was like, well, that's not how I would have done it, but Beyonce did... Beyonce did have a better video. Every, everything, every action. I defended all. I turned, my mother was like,

I don't like that Kanye West. And I'm like, you're a fucking idiot. Listen to this song he wrote about his mom. I did that to my mother. So now she's like at the hospital telling the other nurses, you know who's nice is Kanye West. I defended

him when he put out a song where his opening lyrics were, if I just fuck this model and she just bleached her asshole and I get bleach on my t-shirt, I'm going to feel like an asshole. Those were the opening lyrics. And when I heard that, I was like, Kanye, you've done it again. You've done it again.

Nobody's done that before. Nobody's rhymed asshole of asshole. Most people, most people rhyme a word with a different word that sounds the same, but not you, my friend, because you're an innovator. Shakespeare never did it. Robert Frost,

two roads diverge in the woods, and both of them sucked. What the fuck? I never looked into it. My friends were like, that's not a good lyric, and I was like, it's a genius lyric.

I didn't even wonder how the physics of it all. Like how, the fact that he got bleach from someone's butt onto his shirt means that Kanye was out here having sex with a shirt on, but no pants. Kanye West was Winnie the Pooh fucking. He was doing that. Just out here, oh bother, fucking like Pooh Bear. Even the Trump stuff. Even when he came out supporting Trump,

I was like, well, he's probably wrong, but I'll take another look at the policy, I guess. And then he said he didn't like people like me, like Jews, which, you know, I don't like me that much either, so I guess it's... That was devastating for me.

Kyrie Irving, the NBA basketball player, posted a link saying he didn't like Jews too, and that was devastating. He actually didn't say he didn't like Jews. He posted a link to a documentary that said that the Jews, who we've all come to know and love, aren't the actual Jews,

and that we've just been pretending to be Jews as a scheme. And I have to say, as far as schemes go, there have been better schemes. There have been a lot of opportunities for us to say, ah, the jig is up, we were just joking. You'd think like maybe the fourth time we got kicked out of Poland,

we would have said, psych, we're not really Jews. Poland, they kicked us out of Poland, like four times. Poland, Poland, Poland said they didn't want to hang out with us? Fucking Poland? Not France, not Switzerland. Poland was like, get out of here. What the fuck is going on in Poland that we can't hang out? Whatever. If Kyrie wants to say that he's the original Jewish people, that's great. That's fine with me. He can be the original Jews, and then we will just convert to whatever he's doing.

Because I don't know how to be anything other than Jewish. I couldn't be like a swarthy Protestant. That isn't like... I'm an opinionated Lutheran. That's what I am. There's too many soups that I've been accustomed to for too long for me to be anything but Jewish. I don't know.

I think, though, as a Jew, I mean, just as a white guy even, I've definitely fetishized black culture. That's a thing I've done in my life, you know, for sure, with the rap and the basketball and all that. Those are some of my favorite things. With the rap and the basketball. Oy! What's become of Crown Heights? I sound like a bad character in like a musical about Brooklyn in the 1940s.

What is all this? With the basketball? Why can't I get a knish anymore? But I do think sometimes fetishizing other cultures comes with its own punishment. I will say that. Like, black people made rap look so cool that us Jews thought we could do it too.

And don't share this with anyone that I said this. I realize this is going out, but even if you're listening to this at home, don't tell anyone I said this. Even the Beastie Boys, who are our coolest Jews, even the Beastie Boys, when they rapped, I wouldn't say it was ever cool. It was fun to listen to, but I wouldn't say it was ever cool.

Even, like, the coolest Beastie Boys rap was like, do you know the muffin man? Money hit him in the face with the frying pan. That's our coolest joke. I don't know. I mean, I think every generation has said this, but I don't know if we're going to be able to keep co-opting cool culture like that. I'm sure

there were people who thought that white people would never start saying bling bling, and then that definitely happened. That definitely happened. I'm sitting with my mom one day, and she's, like, eating, like, a lemon piccata chicken, and she's like, oh, my God, this chicken is serving cunt. This is amazing.

I'm going to have to put a stop to that. I lost 180 pounds during the pandemic. I did. Thank you. Thank you. Great for my health. Great for my health. Confusing for my comedy. I don't know who I am anymore. I used to come up here and say,

ham sandwich, and I would get a standing ovation. It's weird because I don't feel different. I don't feel like a different person, but I guess I look a little bit different. But I don't even think I look that different. When I was bigger, I used to look like I owned a deli, and now I look like I own a worse deli.

I learned while I was losing weight that one of the big reasons that I had put on an unhealthy amount of weight is that I have tremendous anxiety. I'm a very anxious person, and I never thought of myself as an anxious person, but I was anxious, and I treated it by eating and drinking alcohol and just filling my body with as much as I could

so I didn't feel things, and through therapy and all that, I've learned that I have anxiety, and I never thought of myself as an anxious person. I always thought that anxious people were walking around spilling files, like, oh, the schematics to my flying machine. That's not me!

Anxious people are chihuahuas. I'm a big dog. It's said it on most of my shirts. I know I'm a big dog. It's said it on most of my shirts. I know I'm a big dog. But I am. I'm an anxious person. And one of the ways I've learned to deal with that is through meditation.

I meditate every single day. And I didn't for the longest time because I always thought it was hokum. I always thought it was just like bullshit. Hokum. For those of you who don't know what that means, bullshit. But it doesn't have to be. It's not always like hippie woo-woo stuff. I always thought that was just like bullshit. Hocum, for those of you who don't know what that means, bullshit. But it doesn't have to be.

It's not always like hippie woo-woo stuff. I always thought that meditation used to be all just very like, very tall crystal, thunder egg wind chime. You know, but it doesn't have to be like that. Sometimes, meditating can just be sitting quietly by yourself for 10 minutes while you think

it's weird that Ronald and Donald are names. Surely one of those would be enough. And what happened when the first group met the other. Probably a bunch of Ronalds hanging out. How you doing, Ronald? Not bad. How are you? It's always a good day when you're a Ronald.

You said it, friend. Hey, who's that guy walking up the street? And that guy gets there and he's like, hello there. My name's donald and they're like wow sorry did you say your name's ronald no i didn't i said my name's donald what the fuck why your name's why would you be named donald when there's people who are Ronald? We're already Ronalds and you're a Donald? That is such a fucking Ronald thing to say. Then there's Ronald McDonald.

He's a clown. That's a clown's name? Ronald McDonald? That's weird for a clown to have a person name. All the other clowns have clown names. They're like Bozo, Puddles, Pennywise. Those are clown names. And then this guy's out here with like a, it's a silly person name, Ronald McDonald. It rhymes, but still it's a person name. Ronald McDonald. What is that? The Obitrice of clowns over here? Also, he's hanging out with the Hamburglar. Those guys hang

out. Ronald McDonald and the Hamburglar hang hang out they're like spending time together but the hamburglar is stealing hamburgers so like so he's selling hamburgers and the hamburger steals the hamburgers but they're friends so they like have a relationship so what's going you know what i think is going on here is a fucking the hamburglar is stealing hamburgers selling them back to ronald mcdonald who's then selling us back the hamburgers he sold to us already. He's selling them twice. That's what's going on here. Also, Grimace, nobody's checking in on Grimace. He clearly has a health issue, and nobody's having a conversation with

him. What's the basis of this friendship? Certainly not honesty. I'll say that right now. Grimace needs to be in a fucking hospital, all right? He's purple. He's giant. Something's wrong, okay? That's all I'm saying. And then, ten minutes have gone by, and you've meditated thank you you're right to clap

you should after that long incoherent rambling session do the same thing you do after someone plays a magnificent cello solo listen you guys have been wonderful I've been Ian Carmel thank you so have been wonderful. I've been Ian Carmel. Thank you so much for your time. I really appreciate it.

Ian Carmel, everybody. That was great. That was great. That was great. Ian Carmel! Everybody, go listen to Ian's podcast, All Fantasy Everything. Emily, any closing thoughts before we go? Do we have a theme song? I'm just kidding. We're not doing it.

We're not doing it. We're not doing it. We're not doing it. The number one rule of comedy is leave them feeling mad at you. And look, I don't even need to ask the question. I believe I inspired Emily and revived her love of the art of stand-up. Yeah, I think that... When we come back, we'll end on a high note.

And we're back. Here it is. Because we all need it. This week's high note. Hey, love it. This is Anna Russell, double first name in Houston. And I work on Sundays. And I just want to say that Daylight Dating's time really messed my team up this year.

It has never been so chaotic trying to set up as it was this week. And the whole time I kept thinking, love it is right. Love it is right. We've got to end this thing. So I guess my high note is knowing I could listen to this podcast and feel some sense of belonging and consideration. And if there's a vote-save initiative for ending this madness, I'm in. Thanks. Bye. Hi, I love it. This is Virginia. I live in Pennsylvania.

My high note, and continuing on the theme of PhD, is that I just got into a PhD program for biophysics. So I'm very excited to start. And thank you for all you and the boys do over at Crooked. I was an active participant with the Vote Save America in Pennsylvania for the midterms. And I'm excited to start again for 2024. Thanks again. Bye. I love it. This week, my high note is that my boyfriend, Patrick, who moved, finds in the middle of nowhere, Montana, to be a public defender. He finally got his first not guilty verdict after six months on the job. And I'm just really proud of him because he cares so much about his clients

and, you know, defending people who've been accused of a crime who don't have the money to afford a lawyer. So I'm really proud of him, and I'm really happy for his client, too. Thanks. Bye. Hey, Lovett. This is Ryan, and I live in Dayton, Ohio. I recently was laid off during the tech layoffs at my project management job was laid off during the tech layoffs at my project management job and am now a program manager with a non-profit in the Dayton area that specializes in diversity, equity, and

inclusion training. The work that I do now brings me into schools in the Dayton area and teaches key diversity, equity, and inclusion training to students. This features anti-bullying campaigns and information really all about their diversity. At a time where this is so key, where states like Florida are taking away the access to education for students on race and LGBT issues, there is also a bill in the Ohio House currently, Bill 616, that is looking to dismantle that in Ohio as well. And it's actually even more aggressive than the Florida bill. So I'm so proud to be doing this in the schools that I'm with.

And I hope that I get to keep doing this because it's such a huge thing for these students. And to be able to see the impact that it has for them is just amazing. Okay, thanks. Thanks to everybody who sent in a high note tonight. If you want to leave us a message about something that gave you hope, please call us at 323-538-2377. That is our show. Give it up for Emily Heller, everybody.

Thank you. Thank you so much to Cara Connors, Rob Hayes, Will Miles, Ellington Wells, and Ian Carmel. We'll be back next week with our regularly scheduled, can you believe what Trump did now? There are 598 days until the 2024 elections. Have a great night. Thanks for coming out and have a great weekend. Love It or Leave It is a Crooked Media production. Thank you. Miller, Rebecca Kaplan, Alan Pierre, and Chandler Dean are our writers. Bill Lance is our editor, and Kyle Seglin and Stephen Colon are our audio engineers. Our theme song is written and performed by Sure Sure. Thanks to our designers, Jesse McLean and Caroline Haywood, for creating and running all of our visuals, which you can't see because this is a podcast, and to our digital

producers, Zuri Ervin, Milo Kim, Mia Kelman, and Matt DeGroote, for filming and editing video each week so you can. You can find those glorious videos at our YouTube page, youtube.com slash at Love It or Leave It podcast. Who do we have to kill to get that name? Subscribe to Love It or Leave It on YouTube for access to video versions of your favorite segments and other exclusive content. Don't forget to follow us at Crooked Media on IG and Twitter.

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