Lovett or Leave It - Impeach for the Stars

Episode Date: December 14, 2019

John Hodgman and Amanda Seales join Jon to break down the week's news as the Judiciary Committee debates articles of impeachment and the Department of Justice releases a report that debunks Trump's conspiracy theories. Plus we look back on the year and the decade, Crooked's editor-in-chief Brian Beutler joins to rant about "narrow" impeachment, and Dan Hernandez and Benji Samit take a hard look at the science of Star Wars. Tiny yoda. Huge week.

Good evening, Los Angeles. Thank you for coming out to the late show. Very loose. I have a throne now. All right. Love it or leave it. It's coming to Iowa City on January 30th, right before the Iowa caucuses. Get your tickets

right now. Crooked.com slash events. They're going. Alright. Those tickets are moving faster than Mayor Pete's Iowa poll numbers. He went up. What? What did you want? I was figuring it out in real time. So by now you've heard me talk about Fair Fight.

We partnered with Stacey Abrams and Fair Fight to hire voter protection teams around the country. Thanks to all of you we are $200,000 away from hitting our goal of $2 million. $2 million will help fund teams in 20 battleground states already in Kentucky. They were able to protect the vote in an election that was incredibly close that saw a Democrat win the governorship, which is going to mean a lot, including health care for a ton of people in Kentucky. So go to votesaveamerica.com slash donate and help us get to $2 million. All right, let's get into it.

What a week. Yes! Lovely ding. On Wednesday, House Democrats in the White House announced a deal to move forward with the U.S.-MCA trade agreement to replace NAFTA. This is, of course, a truly cunning bit of strategy from the Democrats. Republicans can't accuse Democrats of having a vendetta against President Trump if they help him get re-elected.

It's called chess. Meanwhile, Devin Nunes is doing a really, really bad job explaining phone records that seemingly implicate him in the quid pro quo that began the impeachment process His most recent excuse, he said he actually got a call from a number that was Parnas' wife Which raises a new question Why did Devin Nunes memorize the phone number of Parnas' wife? In a statement on Tuesday, Nancy Pelosi said on impeachment, if we allow one president,

any president, no matter who she or he may be, to go down this path, we are saying goodbye to the republic and hello to a President King, and I am saying, stop giving them ideas. Trump is going to walk to that helipad in a crown, and Mitt Romney is going to walk to that helipad in a crown and Mitt Romney is going to say

obviously I'm disappointed by the president's decision to wear a crown given our history with monarchy but the fact remains that he's the president or the president king whatever term you want to use and this week the inspector general of the Department of Justice released his long anticipated report into the investigation of Trump associates in the Trump campaign. In the 400-page report, all the conservative conspiracy theories around the Steele dossier were debunked. And the report also said that investigators found no evidence that political bias or improper motivation influenced the decision to investigate Trump.

So this can only mean one thing. It is time to investigate the investigation into the investigation. Bill Barr, Trump's attorney general and the kind of lawyer you want when your Fortune 500 chemical conglomerate discovers it's been spraying benzene on jungle gyms in the Midwest and doesn't want to pay the fine

but doesn't want to come off like an asshole about it, disputed the findings of his own Justice Department. Bill Barr, to me, is like the quack doctor who said Trump wasn't feeling well because he has chronic Lyme disease. And then the hospital runs a bunch of tests, and the results come back, and they say to Trump, you know, sir, you need to stop eating fast food,

get more sleep, try an elliptical for five fucking minutes. And Trump's like, fuck that noise. So he goes back to quack Dr. Barr, who's like, baby, you're golden. Forget those tests, it's Lyme. On Thursday, the UK gave Boris Johnson and the Conservatives a clear majority in Parliament, which is obviously disappointing.

Well, then you should have voted, shouldn't you? Shame on all of you. Shame on all of you. You can't complain if you didn't vote You should have voted, shouldn't you? Shame on all of you. Shame on all of you. You can't complain if you didn't vote in the parliamentary elections. This may expedite Brexit and poses a real risk to the public health system and other public services.

I am sorry for what I'm about to say. UK boomer, I can't. I can't. The articles of impeachment were finally unveiled on Tuesday. White House Press Secretary Stephanie Grissom said that Trump aides had expected House Democrats to unveil four or five articles of impeachment instead of the two that were announced.

She followed up by saying, we did a ton of crazy shit. It's wild they're only mad about two things. The other day, I saw Stephen Miller taking a painting of Betty Ford home. Everyone said it was fine, but my question was why her and why do you have that shit-eating

grin on your face? The two articles of impeachment include abuse of power and obstruction of Congress. A group of centrist House Democrats are reportedly skittish about impeaching the president. These ten moderates, all from Trump-carried districts, have discussed voting to censure rather than impeach Trump on Monday of this week, which was also proposed when President Clinton was impeached.

To recap, when a Democratic president is impeached, Democrats float censure. But when a Republican president is impeached, Democrats float censure. Before we start the show, I just want to say this is not our final show of the year. We have one more show next week. Cheers for content. But next week is going to be nuts because Democrats will have the debate, we'll have an impeachment vote, and most importantly, Mayor Pete Buttigieg will finally face the queen for a day gauntlet.

So because of that, we decided to do our year and decade in review this week. So over the course of the show, we'll highlight some of the best moments in politics over the decade, starting, of course, with the best political ad of the past 10 years. I'm not a witch. I'm nothing you've heard.

I'm you. None of us are perfect, but none of us can be happy with what we see all around us. Politicians who think spending, trading favors, and backroom deals are the ways to stay in office. I'll go to Washington

and do what you'd do. I'm Christine O'Donnell and I approve this message. I'm you. What a godforsaken decade. All right, let's start the show. You know her from HBO's Insecure and NBC's Bring the Funny and her book Small Doses is available now. Please welcome back Amanda Seals. Hi, Amanda. Hi. You did compliment my sneakers,

but you were off, Mike. I said I like these sneakers. There's texture. I know. There's flavor. I am. And then you topped it off with this hat.

Yeah. Festive. Yeah, also sitting in a crown. And then you topped it off with this hat. Yeah. Festive. Yeah. Also sitting in a crown. And then you're in a... I'm not a crown. I'm wearing a crown. I'm sitting in a...

On a throne. Throne. The word is throne. I feel... I like your outfit. This is like, this is white privilege. I mean, that's why... Hey, take a picture of someone who gets everything they want.

I like your shoes. I like your combo. I like the athleisure. I do attempt to elevate the athleisure to an element of not just leisure, but it's only leisure because I'm choosing to, not because I have to. Sure.

You know? Sure. Yeah. I get it. I'm giving you this because it's just like, I'm just relaxing. But if I wanted to, I could give you. You could give us a look.

You could do some light ore mining. You know, real hard work in it. Yeah. If need be. Yeah. Work on a fishing boat. Fishing boat. You know, real hard work in it. Yeah. If need be. Yeah. Work on a fishing boat. Fishing boat. You could, yeah, you could.

That was a thing for a while, right? What was the show we were all watching? Fishing's been a thing for a long time. No. People have been fishing and they're still fishing. The reality, what was the show? Deadliest Catch. Deadliest Catch was a thing.

Deadliest Catch was a thing. The Greenhorns? Man. I just remember I care so much about these men and their salmon. I used to love Whale Wars. And I would just think, can we just get these guys some more supplies? Yes. Come on.

These Japanese whalers, they got tons of boats. They got strategy. Hoverboard shit. Yeah. They got capital behind them. This Whale Wars team, all they got tons of boats. They got strategy. They got hoverboard shit. Yeah. They got capital behind them. This Whale Wars team, all they got is Bob Barker. And Bob Barker wasn't enough. I give to a lot of animal stuff.

On Giving Tuesday, I realized, ooh, I probably should have way more giving to people in my reposts, but I'm giving to like foxes in Ukraine, bonobos in the Democratic Republic of Congo. Yeah. And I think it says a lot. I think it does. I love the people. I just don't like people.

No, I get that. You know what I mean? Let's bring up our next guest. He's an author, a comedian, and his new book, Medallion Status, is out now.

Please welcome John Hodgman. Nice sneaks, everyone. Nice sneakers. Good sneakers. Hello. Just trying to get involved. Yeah.

I really felt left out in the athleisure conversation. All the conversation. I'm more of a Wicked Tuna guy myself. That was my show. Okay. Represent the Commonwealth of Massachusetts. That's me. Wicked Tuna.

That's called pandering. Wicked Tuna. Wicked Tuna. Remember when they had the logging show? Like Deadliest Logs? Deadliest Logs. Yeah, Deadliest Logs. Yeah, it's always the log you suspect least. Yeah, that's right. You know what? The Deadliest Logs are theliest logs. Yeah, deadliest logs. Yeah, it's always the log you suspect least.

Yeah, that's right. You know what? The deadliest logs are the pointy ones. Touche. Stab you right through the heart. Yeah. Yeah. Watch out for those guys.

I'm not a witch. That was the creepiest, like... I had forgotten all about that. I was so excited. And it's so obvious when she says it. It's like... I had forgotten all about that. I was so excited. And it's so obvious when she says it. It's like, I'm not a witch. I'm a creepy doll that was brought to life by a witch. Exactly.

I worship a witch. I'm a witch's familiar. A witch is making me do this. I'm witch adjacent. Do I float? Sure. Who doesn't these days? In this economy, you better float.

Yeah. Can't drown me. But I always just trip out when I see stuff like that because she didn't make this in a vacuum. It's not like, like, I get in trouble for videos that I do on Instagram because I'm basically in my house and I'm the only one who's thinking this is okay because I'm the only, you know what I mean? And so I don't have any advisors. I don't have any checks and balances. And I'll put something up thinking like, this makes sense to me.

And then people will be like, no, it doesn't. And I'm like, partially this doesn't make sense to you because you're an idiot. But the other part of the reason it doesn't make sense to you is because you're not in my brain. But she had like a team of people who were like, fuck it. Do it.

Let's just take this witch thing head on. Yeah. Let's deal with it right away. It's going to show that you're not a witch. Let's embrace the narrative. It's going to humanize you and de-witchify you. Right at the top. Right.

That there was a moment when they hit upload. Yeah. Whatever you hit in 2010. When they hit fax. When it got sent through the mimeograph. Tumblr sent. Yeah. Let's get this thing on geocities.news

let's ask Jeeves are you a witch? but when they got this thing out there you know they weren't there was like a group of people that were like high five and like we did it what a great creative endeavor what a collaboration this was

and I haven't thought about this example but I do refer to it often I refer to things as a trunk now if you remember the Chicago Tribune or the company involved there with I haven't thought about this example, but I do refer to it often. I refer to things as a trunk. Now, if you remember the Chicago Tribune or the company involved there with, I don't know what the structure is of their corporate organization, but they were going to rename themselves Tronk. Tronk.

Tronk. And they announced it with great fanfare. And I always think of it as a great example of what happens when a group of people go from A to B to C to D to E to F to G to H. Then they say to everybody, hey, everybody in the world who wasn't in the brainstorm, we're going from A to H. And they're like,

you fucking assholes, how'd you get there? We weren't here for the process. Something to think about in your next brainstorm. Trunk. Stop at B. Stop at B. Stop at B. Something to think about in your next brainstorm. Trunk. Stop at B. Stop at B.

Stop at B. Don't make people go further than B. I'm not a witch. He's not a witch. He's not a witch. The more I say it, the more you're likely to believe it, right? I am a witch. That's the craziest thing about it.

You are a witch. You came in here on a broom. When we come back, we're going to play a game where we look back at the decade that was. Hey, don't go anywhere. There's more of Love It or Leave It coming up. And we're back.

Not only is this the second to last Love It or Leave It of 2019, but it's also the second-to-last Love It or Leave It of the decade. And honestly, it's crazy to me that we've been doing this podcast for ten straight years. Who can forget back in 2010 after the Tea Party won the midterm elections and me, John Tommy, and Anthony Weiner quit politics to start a media company. And because we've done so many segments we're very proud of, we thought we'd take a look back at some of the hits of a segment we're calling Love It or Leave It, 10 Years of Laughs and Laughs. Let's get into it. What a decade.

What a decade. For our first clip, we thought we'd listen to the first few moments from our first episode in 2010 after we had severed ties with Anthony Weiner. Let's listen. Welcome to the first ever Love It or Leave It. I'm your host, Jonathan Lovett. Let's give it up for the band, John Hodgman and the John Hodgman Seven.

Hey. Thanks so much, John. Clear eyes, full hearts, can't lose. Love that show. Oh, and we all agree Taylor Kitsch will have a better career than Channing Tatum, that's for sure. Texas forever! That's right, we do. So I'm sure you've all heard the shocking news about Anthony Weiner. We are devastated

by it. That's right. Roll Call is reporting that he has lots of unpaid parking tickets. Guess it's the last we'll ever hear about that guy. He's made a bigger mess than the Deepwater Horizon oil spill. Another major story that's going on right now. Hey-oh, nice! Now I'd like

to introduce a segment we've decided to call OK Stop. I'm going to start drawing a picture And John can call out Okay Stop When he's ready to guess what it is Here it goes Wow, what an episode The jazz era It was the jazz era of podcasting

Feels like it was just yesterday For our next clip We thought we'd take us back to 2011 for one of our favorite rants of the decade. Let's listen. It has landed on reality TV, which I believe was suggested by Amanda Seals.

I am so sorry you have to follow such a hilarious rant by the king of comedy, Bill Cosby. Pudding, you're the best, Bill. Nothing could ever take you down. Nothing. So reality TV is every freaking where.

It can't be stopped. You got Jersey Shore. You got The Simple Life with Paris and Nicole. You got Love and Hip Hop. You got Real Housewives of Orange County. Real Housewives of Atlanta. Real Housewives of Monsanto. It doesn't end. But the show I am obsessed with is a little show called Sarah Palin's Alaska. Real Housewives of Atlanta, Real Housewives of Monsanto. It doesn't end. But the show I am obsessed with is a little show called Sarah Palin's Alaska.

Now I know what you're thinking. Sarah Palin is the most insidious politician in American history. And no one will ever be so dangerous and so stupid, yet so close to the presidency. But hear me out. I'm comforted by the fact she's all the way in Alaska. You know, it's cold there. She's up in the snow, helping Bristol prepare for Dancing with the Stars, a show that will never last.

And also, let me tell you about another guilty pleasure of mine. It's called the apprentice. Oh my God. The friggin' apprentice, Trump. He's, I mean, such a laugh. And that's a leader. When he sits at that conference table with those folks, he is running the show. I doubted him, but until you see how mean he is to little John, yeah, you know.

That guy's got moxie. That was great. Thanks, Amanda. Let's spin it again, and I hope it lands on Occupy Wall Street. I'm excited for what our panelist, Mayor Mike Bloomberg, has to say about it. Wow.

What a trip down memory lane. Our final clip is from a time I don't love to talk about. It's when I had to take a little hiatus from the show and we had a new host. Let's listen. Music is so great. Hello, everyone. Welcome to Love or Leave It. I am your host, John Hodgman.

Your regular host, John Lovett, sold a sitcom to NBC called 1600 Pen, which I'm sure will be a massive hit, so I have a lifetime appointment doing this podcast now. Crooked Media thought I'd be a good fit since my name is John, and frankly, I could use the money. Those Apple commercials paid well, but all of my money was invested by me in Zoom. And it did not... Well, let's just move on. Okay, I've received word from Travis in the back that... What's that? Oh, 1600 Penn has been cancelled. Oh. Alright, well I'll get off the stage. Please give it up for your host, John Lovett. Great to be back, guys. And let me just say Ronan Farrow, who has

not yet picked up on my aggressive DMs, promises that NBC will never do anything worse than canceling 1600 Pen ever again. So let's get into it. What a week. Can you believe Mitt Romney said Russia is a major threat to our democracy? What a loser

Binder full of women Now that's misogyny Lowest of low No one worse will ever run for president Okay, when we come back Our three fully alive panelists Roger Ebert, Prince, and Harambe the Gorilla Are here

And a special guest by Producer and progressive activist Harvey Weinstein. Big show. Huge. Wow. What a decade. As we go to break, please enjoy this 2014 campaign ad from Joni Ernst. I'm Joni Ernst. I grew up castrating hogs on an Iowa farm.

So when I get to Washington, I'll know how to cut pork. Joni Ernst. Mother. Soldier. Conservative. My parents taught us to live within our means. It's time to force Washington to do the same. To cut wasteful spending,

repeal Obamacare, and balance the budget. I'm Joni Ernst, and I approve this message because Washington's full of big spenders. Let's make them squeal. Very evocative. Nice vest. She's wearing a nice vest. It's a great vest.

Yeah. It's a great vest. Yeah. It's a great vest because it keeps your body warm. Arms are free to cut off pig balls. Or whatever balls. Or any kind of pork. Make them squeal. And you are a witch. Yeah.

But I'm not cutting off pig balls. That was creepy, you know? Yeah. She came out slugging, too. Like, I grew up castrating pigs, and I'm going to keep on fucking doing it, like that. Was her background music

the ragtime music from your... Or is that just now playing in my head for the rest of my life? I hear it, too. It's like... Well, you know, we're entering the roaring 20s. I had for the rest of my life. I can hear it too. It's like tinnitus. Like, it's really... Yeah, I mean, it's... Well, you know,

we're entering the roaring 20s. We come back. We're going to look back on 2019. Don't go anywhere. This is Love It or Leave It, and there's more on the way. And we're back. 2019.

It's not just the two ages men type into porn searches when they want to be disgusting while still being able to sleep at night. It's also the year. A year packed with news. I'm so sorry. So much news has happened, it's almost impossible to keep track. In fact, we don't think you'll be able to tell what did and did not happen

in 2019 in a game we're calling Buckle Up. Okay. 2019 in a game we're calling buckle up okay 2019 was a fucking year but also it feels like we say that at the end of every year now and it's hard to tell if it always felt this way or always should have felt this way because now we are more exposed to each other and pain in the world or maybe built into our oak 2019 jokes and tone is an assumption that yeah there are bad years but life gets better over time which is in some sense true but even that's an abstraction the goodness of any year is an integral that, yeah, there are bad years, but life gets better over time, which is in some sense true. But even that's an abstraction. The goodness of any year is an integral taken over our collective human experience. And in the best of years, heroes die of cancer and agony alone, and schools burn to the ground. And in the worst of times, there are babies being born.

But then you wonder if climate change fundamentally shifts our relationship to optimism itself, apart from Trump's unique awfulness and the more quotidian cycles of politics, apart from the ebb and flow of fairness and mercy in our society, that now climate change is always there, this low hum of doom that makes it impossible to gauge progress or the lack of progress on its own terms. Or maybe I just need a vacation. Anyway, 2019,

let's get into it. What a year. Impressive. Hell of a read. I just want to note that we're very much considering retiring the long game names in 2020. See, Travis? And I will say

this is the longest name in the history of Love It or Leave It. Would anyone out there like to play? Hi, what's your name? G'day, I'm Jeremy. Where are you from? I'm Australian. Where are you from in Australia?

Sydney. How's Sydney doing? It's pretty fucked at the moment. It's just completely enveloped in smoke. That's terrible. It is pretty terrible. It's like a post-apocalyptic hellscape. It's like Mad Max, but not fun.

Yeah. Is Mad Max fun? Mad Max is only fun for some people. I was like, I would say Lord Humongous, he had fun. And Morton Joe. Yeah. In general. You've exhausted my Mad Max tribute.

Give it up for Sidney. Jeremy, here's how it works. I'm going to say an event in recent history, and if it happened in 2019, say yes. If it didn't, say no. Are you ready? Sure. Trump set foot in North Korea. No. No, it happened.

Miley Cyrus broke off her engagement with Liam Hemsworth. No. Happened. Ruth Bader Ginsburg broke her ribs Yes No that was 2018 She fell several times this year She should just be in a Hannibal Lecter You know what I mean

Just in a perpetual Like cocoon And just wheeled around from place to place Just bubble wrap Just bubble wrap in a perpetual cocoon and just wheeled around from place to place. Just bubble wrap. Yeah. Just bubble wrap and just broth. Yeah.

I don't want any chewing. Yeah. She should be resting quietly in a nutrient solution like a precog in Minority Report. Yes, absolutely. Just giving up the results,

giving up the rulings. Yes. Notre Dame suffered a massive fire and all of our friends reminded us they up the rulings. Yes. Notre Dame suffered a massive fire, and all of our friends reminded us they studied abroad in Paris. Yes. Yes. Nancy Pelosi became Speaker of the House. Technically, yes.

And yes. Both technically and in every way, yes. Don Jr. became a brand ambassador for Vineyard Vines. No. Didn't happen. Lil Nas X released Old Town Road Yes No, 2018 Your thing would be Old Town Road remixed with Billy Ray Cyrus

Oh Tricky You're a witch You castrate pigs Actor Jussie Smollett arrested for filing a false police report, then released, then we all got too nervous

to bring it up again. Yes. Correct. Trump posthumously pardoned Charles Manson. No. Didn't happen. Just a crazy thing Marianne Williamson said. Tom Brady kissed his son on the lips

for too long. Yes. No, 2018. Felicity Huffman went to jail for the college bribery scandal and her husband... Yeah, you got it. Trump shut down the government

over the border wall funding. Yes. Yes. It started in 2018, but it did continue into February of 2019. Elon Musk invented a dumb submarine

to save kids stuck in a cave and all the scientists said, nah, no thanks. No. No, correct. Bill Barr confirmed as Attorney General. Yes.

Got it. Christine Blasey Ford testifies against Judge Kavanaugh. No. That's right, it's 2018. Jared Kushner ate a McDonald's apple pie weird. Yes. No, it never actually happened, but it could happen. Here's what I think, Here's what I think.

I think he takes it out of the sleeve, takes a bite right in the center. You know what I mean? I think he eats it like a corn cob. That fuck. That piece of shit. Just takes a big old bite from the center. Barely has the structural integrity

to remain one apple pie. I think he eats it when it's frozen. He eats it like an ice cream novelty. The Mueller Report is released and none of our parents read it. Yes. Correct. Jeffrey Epstein committed suicide.

Maybe. I'll give it to you. I'll give it to you. He was murdered. Photosurface. Stop it. Maybe. I'll give it to you. I'll give it to you. He was murdered. Photo service... Stop it. You'll never know the truth. Photo service of Virginia Governor Ralph Northam

with people wearing KKK garb and blackface and he doesn't resign. Yes. Correct. Photo service of Justin Trudeau wearing black and brownface on multiple occasions and he wins re-election. Yes.

Photo service of Mick Mulvaney dressed as Apu from The Simpsons and he was still confirmed as Trump's chief of staff. No, but it's only a matter of time. It's only a matter of time. I can see it. I can see it. Susan Rice called Lindsey Graham a piece of shit. Yes.

Yes, on Posse of the World. There's a world, though. Trump passed a sweeping infrastructure package. Is it still infrastructure-ly? It is technically infrastructure-ly. He didn't do it. You're right. It never happened. Jeremy, from Sydney,

you've won the game. Thanks, man. As we go to break, please enjoy this 2018 campaign ad from Don Blankenship, who is running for the GOP Senate nomination and ran an attack ad against Mitch McConnell for some reason. Hi, I'm Don Blankenship, candidate for U.S. Senate, and I approve this message. Swamp Captain Mitch McConnell has created millions of jobs for China people. While doing so, Mitch has gotten rich. In fact,

his China family has given him tens of millions of dollars. Mitch's swamp people are now running false negative ads against me. They are also childishly calling me despicable and mentally ill. The war to drain the swamp and create jobs for West Virginia people has begun. I will beat Joe Manchin and ditch cocaine Mitch for the sake of the kids. So I want to make a, wow, I want to make sure people understand at home just how many edits there were inside. Every other word, pretty much. They moved in, they pushed in, pulled out, pushed in, pulled out.

Very dynamic. Yeah. Why? How are we going to liven this guy up? And the children of the corn at the end. But the little girl on the left, though, you can tell she's got some sass with her. Yeah.

Right? She was like... Then he had, like, the whole flag behind him. Oh, it was framed beautifully. Oh, the composition of the shot. Oh, it was incredible. But he was mad. But the thing is, though, he was mad.

Like, that was his version of mad. He's like, they're doing despicable ads about me, but it's going to come out like... Yeah, hi. They are doing despicable ads about me but it's going to come out like yeah hi they are doing i'm don black and shit look i've never castrated any pigs but but i am castrated but i am yeah but i do have some experience with castration anyway let's not talk about that let's talk about swamp captain mitch mcconnell he's the captain of the swamp come on you don't want to vote for him. Anyway, here's some girls. Vote for me. When we come back, The Rant Wheel.

Hey, don't go anywhere. There's more of Love It or Leave It coming up. And we're back. Now it's time for The Rant Wheel. The Rant Wheel. You know how it's time for the rant wheel. The rant wheel. You know how it works. We spin the wheel wherever it lands. We rant about the topic.

This week on the wheel, we have the Golden Globe nominations, the Space Force, the science of Star Wars, Baby Yoda, plain etiquette, impeachment articles, the penis fish. Washing up on the shores of California. And Times Person of the Year. Let's spin the wheel. It has landed on the articles of impeachment,

which was actually suggested by Crooked Media's editor-in-chief. Please welcome Brian Boitler. Hi, Brian. Hi. So, impeachment is the process you begin when you think the president is in the game for the wrong reasons. And normally, you begin that process with an inquiry. The president is unfit for office. Let us count the ways.

So, when the Democrats launched their impeachment inquiry against Donald Trump, I thought to myself, Donald Trump is bad news. This is going to take a while. And they are going to come up with a lot of stuff. Turns out, nope. Turns out it took two weeks. And it turns out that Donald Trump

has only ever done two bad things. If that was surprising to you, you're in good company. It was also surprising to Donald Trump. His press secretary, as John alluded to in his opening, went on Fox News and says, you know, we were disappointed about this. We wish it wasn't happening. We were prepared. But, you know, we're kind of

surprised that they didn't get us for Bob Mueller bribery and the emoluments clause shit. Which, the joke is, if Democrats did half the crap that we were doing, we would impeach them for all of it. After having gotten away with 99% of all the bad things he's ever done,

Donald Trump woke up this morning and tweeted an advertisement for Mar-a-Lago. But there are reports now that Democrats are worried that having done this narrow and very rapid impeachment, that what's going to happen when it's all over and Donald Trump gets back to his crime spree? And I think that there's a lesson here, which is that if you're in a target rich environment, shoot at all the targets and don't just shoot at the one over and over and over and over again. So to conclude my rant, impeach Donald Trump for the Ukraine shit, you know, do your

thing, get it over with. But for the fucking love of God, leave the impeachment inquiry open, and if he starts his crime spree again, impeach the motherfucker again. Brian, can I ask you a question before you leave the stage? So I don't feel as though I have a good beat on what the right thing to do is in terms of narrow versus broad impeachment.

What do you say to the argument that says, yeah, obviously there's emoluments, there's Mueller, there's obstruction of justice, there's a whole host you say to the argument that says, yeah, obviously there is a monument, there's Mueller, there's obstruction of justice, there's a whole host of crimes Trump is committing on a daily basis, but when we go to the Senate, we have now kept the focus on these very clear, simple stories that the American people really understand so that the trial doesn't go in a million different directions,

that we can send them these very provable, very simple articles of impeachment to play out as Democrats and Republicans fight in front of Chief Judge Roberts? Like, personally, I don't know what the right political thing is. I think if you want to live in a free and non-corrupt, an ethical society, which we do, then you need to take the fact that Donald Trump is up in the air, right, is like this historically corrupt figure. You have to take that seriously and treat all of his most serious corruption as worthy of inquiry. So that's the political question. assume, as I think we all should, that Senate Republicans, Republicans in both houses, are just going to try to cover for Trump and make sure that he gets off the hook for everything. The beating a dead horse about a single phone call that Trump had with the president of

Ukraine that they're already making excuses for and saying that they're going to let him off the hook for makes no sense. Make them vote for the whole miasma of corruption around this guy. Make them vote to say that they're okay not just with Ukraine, but with lying to Robert Mueller, and with stealing federal dollars, and accepting bribes, and all of it. And A, that takes longer. You get all these hearings. Donald Trump's corruption is the center of everyone's focus for more than two weeks. And then when you're done, you can say that you

really took a stand against all of it. You didn't just decide that some of it was okay or Americans are too stupid to understand it or whatever. You did your job. You followed your oath of office to where the logic led it. Guys, give it up for Brian Boiler. Check out his podcast, Rubicon,

which is following along with impeachment. Brian, thank you very much. Thank you. Let's spin it again. It has landed on plane etiquette suggested by Amanda. I'm on planes a lot. And I like to think that I was raised up, not dragged up.

So there's a certain level of consideration that I carry for myself and my other passengers. I unfortunately feel that this is not shared enough in one very specific way. People, specifically white people, stop taking your socks off on the plane.

More than once I have had to put myself in the line of fire and stop a Susan or a Linda or a Brad from walking into a plain bathroom barefoot. There's all types of debris on the ground, mysterious liquids. Not that mysterious. We're on a plane. It jostles. Some people don't have good aim. And yet you have so much trust,

some people don't have good aim and yet you have so much trust so much trust in not only these people but in your immune system and i don't understand it because what happens is even if you choose to go in there and i say you know what it's your free will we live in a democratic society you can make these choices you still gotta come back to your seat and your feet have to be in proximity to me and i just picture the little germy germs traveling up to your seat and your feet have to be in proximity to me. And I just picture the little germy germs traveling up from your feet and coming to my face and attacking me like, gnaw, gnaw, gnaw, gnaw, gnaw, gnaw, gnaw, gnaw, gnaw. And on top of that, you're coughing.

And you're not covering your mouth. So lack of etiquette, et cetera, crosses all races, nationalities, genders, you know, pronouns, et cetera. It's beautiful. However, I will say that specifically amongst the Caucasian nation, y'all got to get together and talk about two things.

Ending racism. Because I'm not interested. That's y'all's conversation to have. And also, keeping them feet sewn up. And you know what? Let's just take another level. Because there's also the people who are like, yeah, but I have my socks on. And I'm like, okay, but you also have your foot adjacent to the screen.

Okay? So I don't want it. I'm giving it back. I don't want it. I'm giving it back. I just want to say that all of us have to be in this together. I want to make all of you all

Mandalorians for keeping feet in socks and shoes on planes. I support that. My move, my shoes are off, my socks are on, my feet are low. Low. To the ground. Yeah. Where feet belong.

Basically no higher than about here, right? Fair, yes. That's it. That's the height. And then if I do need to use the facilities, the little podcast host room, if you will, my move is to slide my feet into my shoes, but not do the work of putting the shoes on completely. Of course.

And then basically walk to the bathroom like a little boy in mom's high heels. Yes. I understand this. And now as I say that, I'm reminded, especially in this end-of-year period of reflection, thinking about all the times I would go into my mother's closet and put on her gold shiny shoes and wander around the house and always wonder why my parents didn't think it was as cool as I did. That's what's on my mind now. Epiphanies.

Let's spin it again. Let's spin it again. It has landed on Baby Yoda, suggested by John Hodgman. So in the year 2016, I went online. And in the New York primary season, I said, I love Bernie, I'd vote for him in any general election, but I'm going to vote for Hillary Clinton for these reasons. So I typed into the Internet, I like Hillary Clinton, and I pressed send. I knew what I was doing.

I had seen many friends type the same thing, and I saw what happened to them. Roasted. From all quarters, for various reasons, various people. But I had seen my friends take this heat, and I'm like, I've got to share the heat. I've got to take some of the heat, too.

So I typed up my thing, said I like Hillary Clinton, pressed send on Tumblr, prepared... Very popular blogging platform at the time, and prepared for hellfire to rain down upon me. And what happened was

it didn't. A lot of people discussed it. A lot of people shared it. Some people didn't like it. Most people were fine with it. No one got really mad at me, I realized, because I'm not a woman. And therefore, I was allowed to have

an opinion that was different. People always were like, I don't agree with Mr. Hodgman, but he is a whole human being, so he's entitled to his opinion. I realized then that that was a big awakening to my privilege and my superpower. I am

undraggable, I decided. Turns out I was wrong. Because last week, I put a thing on Twitter defending The Mandalorian. Why? Someone on Twitter was like, I like The Mandalorian, and a bunch of dudes got into that person's mention saying, I think The Mandalorian is not only a sin against Star Wars,

but against cinema itself. And so I thought that demanded an eye roll. So I put a tweet out just simply saying, cinema dudes who think they're better than the Mandalorian are the worst kind of dudes. I got some applause, but this time hellfire did rain down. I was attacked from all sides. Many, many, many tweets angry at me for defending the Mandalorian. I didn't understand it. They came from all different angles. Some of them were like Gamergate anti-SGW,

like saying that I was just a virtue signaling for fake geek girls. Some of them were anti-corporatist, saying that I was just standing a major corporation. And someone called me a Disney bootlicker. Many of them were intensely personal. And hurtful. One guy made a joke, he retweeted my initial tweet,

and just above it said, Baby Yoda is not going to fuck you. And that person's Twitter handle is at Jeremy Monjo and his tweet got 1,000 more likes than my tweet got. Deservedly so. It was a great joke. It was a terrific

joke. But anyway, all I knew, I was on the wrong side of it. And it is unseemly to defend myself against this onslaught. Because after all, I'm in the public eye, still, a little bit. It's my job to take the heat. I know why people might hate me. I hate myself.

Get it? I know what I look like. I'm a straight, straight white cis male in the full flab of middle age with a certain amount of affluence. It's my duty to take scorn. To absorb scorn, get yelled at, and learn from it. That's my job. I accept it.

I'm seemly to defend myself, but I will anyway. Because I don't like snobs. Those people coming out there saying that they're better than the Mandalorian. Come on. Is the Mandalorian high art? No. It's great. Do I like it

because it reminds me of watching Xeno Warrior Princess and Hercules and Legendary Journeys when I was in my 20s? Getting ready to go out for a night on the town? Of course. Is nostalgia the most toxic impulse because it's based on the twin fallacy that the past was better and we can go back in time and get there?

And therefore nostalgia is at the base of every extremist movement in the world? Including Trumpism, Brexit, and this new Ghostbusters movie? Yes. Sorry, Paul Rudd. But I still like it. One of the tenets of the Judge John Hodgman podcast, another popular podcast, not as popular as this one. People like what they like.

Some people think that culture is a cudgel that they should use to swat down other people's tastes and likes and loves in order to make themselves feel smarter and better. But what they don't know, and will eventually when they're alone and dying, is that culture you hope, culture is a comfort culture is a needed distraction we gathered around in prehistory around fires to tell stories not only to enjoy the warmth of a fire

very nice but also to forget for a moment the horrible terrifying darkness at our backs we have a whole lot of terrifying darkness at our backs right We have a whole lot of terrifying darkness at our backs right now. So, snobs, let people like what they like. Let them, it's the holiday season,

let them kindle a light in the winter solstice against the dark of the longest night of the year. Thank you. Thank you for letting me say that. Thank you. Just letting it soak in. Letting myself experience it. Let's spin it again.

What could it be? Where will it land? And it's landed on the science of Star Wars, here to destroy Mandalorian. Oh, no! They're not. Dan Hernandez, Benji Samet, are here for a very special rant about the science of Star Wars.

Oh, no. So I completely agree with everything that John just said about these sort of rabid, neck-bearded, sort of gatekeeping, snobbish science fiction fans getting furious online. Excuse me, let thee without the neckbeard cast first tones.

But, with that said, I'm very upset at The Mandalorian. I'm extremely angry and in fact, I would be giving this rant right now whether you are all here or not. I want to make something very clear. I'm friends with John in real life. Hell yeah.

And like young middle school boys, we get ready at midnight on Thursdays as The Mandalorian comes on to Disney+. That's true. And we text each other. Three, two, one. Start it. Start it. Watch the preview.

We synchronize our viewing. We got to be in sync. We got to start at the same time, end it at the same time,. Start it. Start it. Watch the preview. We synchronize our viewing. We gotta synchronize. We gotta be in sync. We gotta start at the same time, end it at the same time, then discuss it. Except for when someone takes a call from Ronan. You gotta take a call. Ronan calls. So, for five weeks now,

I have been struggling with something. And I don't know if you guys watch the show, but they have a device on the show called the Fob. Oh, yeah. I brought one. Benji brought a fob. And for those listening at home, the fob is a magical device

that has suddenly been introduced to the Star Wars world that can track down anyone, anywhere in the galaxy. In the first episode, it starts to beep when Baby Yoda is in just the next room. It's like, oh, so this works. The beeping light, all you need. You could find anyone across the galaxy

with one flashing red light. So in the first episode, it's like, okay, he's in this room. Okay, so okay, I can buy that. A light beeps when someone's in the next room. We can buy a fob that works in a room. Fast forward a few episodes. Go forward.

Now this same fob is finding you across the galaxy. Across the galaxy. And I just want to know how that works, because look at this thing. It's got this antenna, and if I'm standing on this planet, and I point this right here. And you are.

You are standing on this planet. And you point it. Just moving it a fraction of a degree. Let's say one second of one degree. I'm now pretty much on the opposite side of the galaxy. Just going forward So it gets even worse Think about the angles

Think about the angles in the spaces that we're dealing with I'm not a mathematician But I do believe someone on the stage has a degree in mathematics That's me folks John, tell me the likelihood of finding a baby Yoda In the vastness of space In a ship the size of a Subaru Forester Using only a garage door opener.

With a single light on it. With a single light. One indicator. It's basically, it's got one thing it can do. You're either pointing at Baby Yoda or you're pointing not at Baby Yoda in the universe. But you know what else is crazy?

In last week's episode, we meet not Han Solo. And not Han Solo has one of these pops. Non-Solo. Non-Solo. Non-Solo. Let's all take a moment

and appreciate Non-Solo. From Amanda. She got there first in first counts. That's right. Non-solo, has a fob for someone else, and he says, you know what? And he smashes it, and he says, it's okay, it's all in my head.

He memorized the tracker. So is he like, one, zero, zero, one, one, zero, zero. I'm not a Yale man like John Hodgman. But tell me, John Hodgman, how are you defending? How do you defend the FOD? I don't defend the FOD.

You wouldn't dare. No, I don't want to take the joy of people arguing about this stuff away from them. I just don't want people online to say, you're stupid if you like this. Do you know what I mean? Because you do have to suspend disbelief. Yeah, it's dumb. The F.O.B. is dumb. I agree.

You know, to be honest, I suspended disbelief so much so that I didn't even know that it was doing that. I thought the F.O.B. was literally just letting people know, like, yo, shit is crazy. I'm just saying, when

Dan and I wrote a little movie called Detective Pikachu we we took the time to make sure all the science added up does it does all the science add up in Detective Pikachu you hypocritical bastard

I cannot buy it give me a fucking break find a plot hole find a plot hole. Find a plot hole. Debate me. But there's issues. Here's my thing about it. It's I'm willing to suspend my disbelief,

but I just watched a bunch of movies where they couldn't find a man by the name of Luke Skywalker. Right. It was a big thing that they couldn't figure out where Luke Skywalker is. And that all happens, I believe, you tell me, after. Indeed it does happen

after The Mandalorian. And it is actually a critical plot point in most of the Star Wars movies. They didn't have a fob. They didn't have a fob. They never got fobbed. They should have fobbed.

Lock the doors, we're talking about this all night. Give it up for Benji Samet and Dan Hernandez. Thank you guys so much. We appreciate it. Let's spin it again. One more time. One more time. Let's spin.

Yes. Wow. No idea what this is. It has landed on the penis fish. There's some kind of a worm washing up by the thousands. And it looks like a dick. Well, that's because I cursed California.

Sorry. With each passing moment, it's becoming more and more clear That what you said at the top of this show About not being a witch Is obviously not true You think it's a coincidence That I arrived in town today And penis fish are washing up

On the shores of California By the thousands? Until this very moment I did in fact believe It was a coincidence That's proof that I'm a witch This would have been The worst witch hunt of all time

I had to tell you that I was a witch. Yeah. Speaking of witch hunts, it's very funny that Trump keeps saying that it's a witch hunt because the idea of a witch hunt is that there's hidden witches all around. You have to ferret out.

But that's not what's going on here. In his version of a witch hunt, there's one person who's the witch, and we're trying to prove a bunch of different witch acts are the acts of that one witch, as opposed to what a witch hunt is, which is a bunch of shit is happening, and they're trying to find a woman to blame.

You see what I mean? Yes, I do. We started, we already had a suspect at that. We know who the witch is. This is a witch trial. Yes. That's the key thing that's been really bothering me for this whole long time.

It's right there for him. Right. Stop saying it's a witch hunt. This was never a witch hunt. You're a fucking witch, and we're putting you on trial for your witch crimes. That must offend you on a kind of personal level

to hear me so cavalierly dismiss the humanity of another witch. Well, first of all, we're not human. Second of all, you think we all like each other? I think all witches are friends. There's good witches and bad witches. You think we all know each other?

That's fucked up. It's racist. That's what it is. It's racist. All witches know every... So he has to speak for all witches? Yeah, okay. No, that's fine. I'll take that burden. Jesus. Yeah, whatever. It's tokenism.

To end the show, let's end on one of our favorite videos of the decade. Please enjoy Chillery. I'm just chilling in Cedar Rapids. And that's our show. I want to thank John Hodgman amanda seals dan and andrews and benji salmon brian boitler the improv nancy pelosi adam ship jerry nadler why not thank you all for coming out thank you the improv for having us for this late show have a great night night. Thank you.