Lovett or Leave It - It's A Wonderful Lifeguard

Episode Date: June 25, 2022

Lovett or Leave It welcomes you to Dynasty Typewriter, and to take a breath and recharge. An Arizona election worker (Jana Schmieding) tells her tale of woe, while a Long Island lifeguard (Rose Kelso) wades into the so-called national "lifeguard shortage.” Joe Mande shares his opinion of celebrities going big for biopics, while Lovett reveals how he thinks “Baz Luhrmann” is pronounced. Dan Mertzlufft composes an amazing original song for all of us, and we close out the night with a round of Hot Takes for absolutely no one, except maybe fans of Cartesian dualism.--You can find everything you need to fight back at votesaveamerica.com/roe, but here’s a few things you can do:1. The first, and most important thing we can do is minimize the harm that this ruling will inflict. One way to do that is to support our Immediate Impact Fund. All funds raised go directly to local abortion funds, independent clinics, and legal defense for patients: votesaveamerica.com/abortionfunds2. We have a lot of work to do to fight back, and one place to start is with our Fight Back Fund, which supports grassroots organizing and power-building organizations in states where we can make a difference, as well as supporting ballot measure campaigns in four states. By contributing, you can help local activists defend abortion rights this year and build towards the future: votesaveamerica.com/fightback3. Get to work supporting winnable races in 2022 where abortion is at stake—like the governor’s races in Pennsylvania, Michigan, or Arizona—by signing up for Midterm Madness: votesaveamerica.com/midterms4. RSVP for our live virtual event on Tuesday 6/28: After Roe: Reproductive and Civil Rights Move to States, where our expert panel incl Erin Ryan and Leah Litman, moderated by Shaniqua McClendon will discuss what this means, what comes next, and how we can fight back: https://www.mobilize.us/crooked/event/464892/ For a closed-captioned version of this episode, click here. For a transcript of this episode, please email [e-mail] and include the name of the podcast. 

Good evening, Los Angeles. Who's ready to close the boyfriend loophole? Welcome to Love It or Leave It Live or Else. After our big pride blowout show last week, it's shame for the rest of the year. We have a great show for you tonight. Daniel Mertzluft is here and he's going to write a song for you in real time at this show. We have a bullied election official to share her story. Joe Mandy is here to help crown the most annoying actor in a biopic. A lifeguard from my native Long Island swims by to discuss the so-called lifeguard shortage.

And Rose Kelso and Jane Schmieding join Joe and I for some hot takes. But first, wait a second. I don't see anyone sewing a pillow. Are you not fucking here? Is that bitch not here?

You're telling me you came here week after week and on the precipice of completing your Hungarian cross-stitch throw pillow, you missed this episode? I'm so sorry. Daniel, before we get into it, can you come out here for a second? Yeah, hi. Hi, it's Daniel. What's it? Hi, everyone. Mertzluft? Mertzluft, yeah. I got it. You got it.

So you do not have a song prepared. Correct. You have offered to write us one, and I've been told you need suggestions. We need three suggestions from the audience. Is that right? Yeah. Okay, so we need a suggestion based on the news. Somebody shout one out.

Scotus. Scotus. Good one. We need a love it or leave it inspired suggestion. Pundit. No, you can't do two. What's going on? Emily's Garden Show.

Emily's Garden Show. That's great. That's great. You feel good about that? Yeah, that's great. Okay, okay. And then we need a wild card. So just shout something.

Hungarian throw pillow. Hungarian throw pillow. The pillow. The pillow. throw pillow. Hungarian throw pillow. The pillow. The pillow. The pillow. Great. Okay. You feel good about that?

Yeah, that's awesome. Are you going to go make a song about that? I'm going to try. Okay, great. And then you're going to come back at the end of the show and you're going to perform the song. It's merely 40 minutes. We're going to keep this thing tight.

Oh, great. Yeah, that's fine. All right. We'll see you in a bit. Okay, perfect. Thanks, y'all. We're veering dangerously close to improv. Got to get this ship turned back.

All right, let's get into it. What a week. YouTube removed videos from the January 6th committee as they include clips of Trump that the streaming service had already banned for election misinformation. I just want to be clear. Anytime someone tells you we're at risk of AI or algorithms taking over the world, just remember what they haven't yet been able to crack.

Anyway, that's why Trump has been interrupting himself to sing songs from Encanto. Speaking of, during Monday's hearing, Arizona Republican House Speaker Rusty Bowers, or what happens when you type in stern grandpa into dolly, testified that he refused to be used as a pawn by Trump despite being told by Rudy Giuliani that there was a legal theory the party could use to replace electors. Said Bowers, this is a tragic parody. Tragic parody.

A new fragrance by Rudy Giuliani. Bowers became emotional while talking about his horrific experience being harassed by Trump supporters, including a man with a gun who showed up outside his home to terrorize his wife and their gravely ill daughter. We had a daughter who was gravely ill, who was upset by what was happening outside. And my wife, that was a valiant person, very strong, quiet, very strong woman. So it was disturbing. It was disturbing. In other news, that man, Rusty Bowers, said this week he would still vote for Trump in 2024. Yeah, yeah.

He said this. If he was up against Biden, I'd vote for him again. That's what he told the Associated Press. Simply because what he did the first time before COVID was so good for the country, in my view, it was great. before COVID was so good for the country. In my view, it was great. F. Scott Fitzgerald said, the test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposing ideas

in the mind at the same time and still retain the ability to function. So congratulations to Rusty Bowers, the smartest man in the world. Imagine weeping at a congressional hearing out of a sense of moral outrage after the president violated core precepts of a constitution that you yourself described as divinely inspired and that that president dispatched murderous thugs

to your house and you are still willing to vote for that person to keep taxes low and climate pollution flowing that is since it is depraved it is incoherent and sadly those were two of the mission words that they did come up with at the Republican retreat. You know when they do that exercise and you figure out the words that represent the brand? They're depraved and incoherent. Meanwhile, former Michigan GOP chair Laura Cox was approached with a plan to hide fake electors in the Capitol overnight. I told them in no uncertain terms that that was insane.

overnight. I told them in no uncertain terms that that was insane. Literally, their plan was to sneak just some rando Republican goons into the Capitol, have them hide in like cabinets and bathrooms, and then sneak into the chamber because according to the law, the vote had to be in the chamber. That was their plan for overturning American democracy. And they would have gotten away with it too if it wasn't for those damn kids. Anyway, the point is we relied on like a handful of Republicans who had some kind of a line they wouldn't cross. But at the same time, it feels a bit like handing out medals to everyone who didn't put a bunch of puppies in a cement mixer. You know what I mean? Like, thank you for your service. Like, if somebody comes to you and says,

hey, I think we should throw some puppies in a cement mixer, not doing it doesn't impress us. On Wednesday, federal investigators searched the home of former DOJ official Jeffrey Clark, during which Clark was hauled outside in his pajamas. Tough week for that guy, as Thursday's January 6th hearings were also entirely focused on his role in the coup. When presented with Clark's plan to leverage the DOJ to overturn the election at Trump's behest, former acting Deputy Attorney

General Richard Donahue told Clark this. And I said, that's right, you're an environmental lawyer. How about you go back to your office and we'll call you when there's an oil spill? Giuliani leans into frame, black crude dripping from his face. I object. Hey, man, this isn't a trial, and you're not supposed to be at the DOJ. Get out of here, you freak.

Meanwhile, when Trump lawyer John Eastman presented him with the plan, which he and the president had cooked up with Clark, White House lawyer Eric Hirschman told him this. I said, good, John. Now I'm going to give you the best free legal advice you're ever getting in your life. Get a great effing criminal defense lawyer. Now, they play this once a week at the hearings, and I don't mind. Also, that guy has been such a star in these things, it's enough to forget that the reason

he's in the Trump orbit is he represented Trump in his first fucking impeachment. It's like, these are all people just like, I don't know, I guess my bar is like a tiny bit off the ground, you know? Anyway, Eastman misunderstood. He heard criminal defense lawyer and ended up with Rudy. He didn't understand he needed a criminal defense lawyer. and ended up with Rudy.

He didn't understand he needed a criminal defense lawyer. Also in the hearing, former acting attorney general Jeffrey Rosen recounted how Trump called to harangue him almost every day except Christmas, accusing the DOJ of not doing enough to address his false allegations of election fraud. Here's the thing. It is tough to plan a constitutional coup on Christmas

because most of the lawyers are at the movies. Or maybe the perfect time when you think about it. When Rosen informed the White House that the particular conspiracy theory had been debunked, Trump accepted it, but then called back immediately to tell him that Rudy Giuliani felt insulted. Trump added,

you guys may not be following the internet the way I do. You mean on the toilet, sir. Meanwhile, former White House aides testified that several House Republicans asked top officials to help arrange for pardons, naming Andy Biggs, Louie Gohmert, Scott Perry, Marjorie Taylor Greene, and Matt Gaetz. It's a real hoo-hoo of people in Congress who have, at some point in their adult lives, accidentally eaten a button. adult lives accidentally eaten a button. Also on Thursday, the Supreme Court struck down New York's concealed carry law, ruling that the state's requirement that a prospective gun over show proper cause

to receive a license is unconstitutional. Whenever I'm in New York, I find myself thinking this is cool, but I wish more people on this crowded Q train were armed. Thank you, Justice Thomas. Now, if you want a gun, you'll be required to show an improper cause, such as I'm psychotic or I want to frighten the teens

who laughed at my orthopedic shoes. Everybody packed for the airport? Do you have your gun? That's the future. In his statement on the ruling, President Biden said he was deeply disappointed, adding this ruling contradicts both common sense and the Constitution

and should deeply trouble us all. Concluding his statement, Biden added, anyway, check this balance. Popped a wheelie on his bike and pedaled away. The decision clears the way for challenges to similar laws in California, New Jersey, Maryland, Hawaii, and Massachusetts. The decision also clears the way for the storylines in Escape from New York and Escape from L.A.

to happen in the correct order. In a concurring opinion, Justice Alito pointed out that New York's concealed carry restrictions didn't stop the recent mass shooting in Buffalo. Added Alito, and if the law did prevent some mass shootings from taking place, why can't I name them? Why aren't newspapers reporting on all these events

that didn't happen? No, I'm... What did I do wrong? How did you not know we had left the real text? You know what I mean? Sometimes I know when I fucked up, but I was really surprised that you didn't come with me. I've been doing this a while, a while,

and I can generally sense it. No, he didn't say that. The point is, you can't tell the mass shootings that didn't happen because of a gun law because the mass shooting didn't happen. You know? Oh, a lot of nodding. Jesus. Anyway, the point is, Alito

seems to look at mass shootings the way I look at mozzarella sticks. It's not like you're going to have zero, so you might as well have all of them. That one was simpler. Has the person who does the pillows arrived? Was she late? Unfucking believable. We're building towards a conclusion

to that pillow for weeks. She finished, not here. Unbelievable. A lot of people were sticking with this to the end. This is an Ozark. Republican Senator... Republican Senator Republican Senator Kevin Cramer from North Dakota said Wednesday

that he seriously injured his right hand while doing yard work over the weekend and that his finger may need to be amputated. Was it yard work, Senator? Or was it Lindsey Graham's vagina dentata? I don't know what it even What is that joke? What is it? What is it? What is it?

Who cares? According to Uvalde's mayor, Rob Elementary, the Texas school where 19 children and two teachers were killed on May 24th in a massacre, will be demolished, as we all know the only way to stop school shootings is to get dangerous schools off the street. Yeah.

Tearing the school down. That'll fucking help. Elon Musk says that Tesla will soon have a working prototype of its humanoid robot, Optimus. Elon Musk said the robot is inspired by Optimus Prime, who Musk noted, never joined a union. I can't do the voice. It's very deep, can't do it.

Amazon has announced a potential new Alexa feature that will allow the smart assistant to read your story in the voice of your deceased grandmother. If your grandmother is still alive, don't worry. You can still enjoy this new feature. Just send her to Amazon in whatever condition she's in and they'll take care of the rest. The technology is still in its infancy, though.

So far, the dead grandma voice is only able to recite a story about what it's like in hell. I'm not done. There's more. So you can get this Alexa, or you can just tell your actual grandma to remind you to buy lube. Ba-bloop. Meta abandoned their efforts for secure elections

that they emphasized in 2020, instead directing all of their energy into the metaverse. If only abetting authoritarian coups gave Zuckerberg as much social anxiety as making small talk in the office kitchen. Speaking of the metaverse, this week Balenciaga, Prada, and Tom Brown all announced clothing lines in Meta's Avatar fashion store. A Meta spokesperson explained that the fashion houses are targeting that rare discerning segment of the market that is too stupid for NFTs. segment of the market that is too stupid for NFTs.

Could you imagine taking out your credit card and buying a Prada bag for your fucking avatar? I'll probably do it. Want to look good in there. I don't know. Is that going to have counterfeits? Is there a Chinatown in there? Probably not.

They're in charge of it. Also this week, Rupert Murdoch and his fourth wife, Jerry Hall. Remember that? I forget that. Anyway, they're reportedly getting a divorce after six years of marriage.

Hear me out. I can fix him. And finally, COVID vaccinations have started for children under five. It took scientists this long to figure out how to get the microchip small enough. When we come back, we have an election official.

And we're back. During Tuesday's January 6th committee hearing, election workers and state officials testified about how Donald Trump pressured them to overturn the 2020 election and the relentless threats and harassment they've endured ever since. Here to discuss their experience,

it's Arizona election worker Kathy Garble. Okay. Okay. All righty. Where should I sit? Right here is great. You can sit right with me. Okay. Oh, geez. Okay. Okay. All righty. Where should I sit? Right here is great. You can sit right with me. Okay.

Oh, jeez. Hi. Whoa. All right. Hello. Kathy, thank you so much for being here. I know you've been through a pretty tough time. Boy, have I ever.

Have I ever, John. Uh-huh. You know, it's been really hard times for me, but it means a lot that somebody gives a crap about this issue. I mean, is it cool if I vape in here? I don't think they allow vaping in the theater, but Kathy, just so you know, everyone cares, and you're incredibly brave for agreeing to speak up publicly.

Could you give us a sense of what your life has been like since the 2020 election? Well, you know what, John? I just feel like everyone's out to get me. Really. It's super stressful. Every day I get a flood of, you know, voicemails and emails and mail mail.

That's horrible. That's so horrible. I'm so sorry. You know, it's a constant fire hose of, Kathy, stop microwaving your tuna melts in the office break room. And Kathy, the whole place smells like fish and we know it's your fault. And Kathy, you know, you're a fish terrorist and every day is fish 9-11. It's horrible.

Well, okay. I'm sorry, Kathy. Look, office kitchen politics can be fraught, but Kathy, I'm more interested in the cost you face for doing your actual job. For example,

Republican Arizona House Speaker Rusty Bowers testified that after he rejected Trump's demands, Trump supporters swarmed his home, intimidated his family, and called him a pedophile. Oh, yes.

Uh-huh. I can totally identify with that. I thought you might. I thought you might. Yeah. I mean, I rejected my, you know, co-worker Ben's demands to stop leaving half-eaten tuna melts in our shared office desk. And you know what, John? He said I'm disgusting. For sure. Let me try this again. Kathy, you're an election worker

in Maricopa County, right? That's right. And you helped conduct a fair, legitimate election in the middle of a pandemic only for the sitting president to falsely claim that it was rife with fraud and that some of your colleagues had rigged the vote. You hit the nail on the head. What impact has this event

that specifically had on your life? Well, it's made me a target, John. Okay, great. I mean, not great, but we're back on track. Okay, just put yourself in my shoes, okay? It's November 2020. I'm out there doing my job. I'm keeping, you know, democracy running.

And all of a sudden, I'm America's most wanted because I gave myself a haircut in the polling center bathroom and just accidentally cut off about two feet worth of a ponytail and left it in the sink. Am I a criminal? People pay good money for hair, okay? I'm going to People pay good money for hair, okay? I'm gonna stop you right here. Listen, my story needs to be told, John. America needs to know what's happening in this country. I've been victimized and excluded from after-work happy hours for the crime of having too much hair.

It grows very fast. I live in Arizona. It needs to get cut. And also, I have a shitty personality. Right, okay. Show me where in the Constitution, John, it says that a citizen can't just suck at

being around. I guess, fair question. I don't think there's anything. Just gonna vape a little bit here. No, please don't. You can't vape at all, Kathy. God, they can't ban Jules fast enough. Listen. I think we got our wires crossed here. You're talking about people not liking you

for what sound like non-political reasons. I'm talking about election workers like Shea Moss who testified that she and her family have faced racist death threats after the Trump campaign falsely accused her and her mother of illegally counting ballots from a suitcase. They were forced to go into hiding.

Yeah. That one might be my bad. I had left a few duffel bags at work, and I guess some conspiracy theorist caught it on video. Kathy. You know, it wasn't anything weird. It was just my dirty laundry. I'm sorry, am I supposed to wash my laundry every month in this economy? Well, yeah, ideally,

but either way, why would you bring it all to work? John. Yeah? Yeah? Come on. Okay.

If I leave my bags at home, my pet snakes, Arthur and Murray, would burrow into them and make sweet love. They would make, use your head, John! Kathy,

are your snakes named after characters from Joker? Greatest movie ever made. Oh, shit. God, you suck, Kathy. I'm the worst! I'm just sick of being held accountable for it, you know? These goons can try to pull off a coup and incite

harassment against anyone who refuses to go along with it and face no real consequences. But I'm an outcast because I left a bowl of yogurt in my car and the yogurt attracted bees and they had to shut down the garage and no one could get home. It does seem unfair when you put it that way. I mean, I watched that hearing, John. An aide to Senator Ron Johnson texted an aide to Mike Pence that Johnson wanted to hand deliver a fake slate of Wisconsin electors to Pence on January 6th. Johnson's still a senator. But I'm banned from the library just for letting my snakes loose for one day.

I mean, they gotta roam around, John. They're gonna get depressed if they don't. Yeah, you are utterly unbearable. But you make some good points. Not the snake thing. I don't know if that's true and I don't want to know. But listen, thank you for being an election worker. It's critical work and I appreciate that even the most annoying people who, I'm sorry, I don't, do you, what does that smell? Do you, God, what is that? Oh, that smell? That's just, you know, I didn't want to show up empty-handed to your show. So I brought a big barrel of hard-boiled eggs, and I left them back in the green room.

So if you want a hard-boiled egg, I can go back and grab you one if that's something you're interested in. I got enough for the whole audience at that. Kathy, get out of here. Take your warm eggs with you. Arizona election worker Kathy Garble, everybody. There's no law that says you gotta shower every week, folks. Remember that. Thank you so much.

Guys, give it up for Janice Meeting. Come on. That was awesome. Everybody watch Rutherford Falls on Peacock. When we come back, some Baz Luhrmann-inspired fun. Hey, don't go anywhere. There's more of Love It or Leave It coming up. And we're back. If you've seen the trailer for the new Buzz Luhrmann movie,

Baz, Baz, Baz. Baz. Baz. Hold on. Every... Baz? Baz. But are you confident? You have no idea.

So you're like a Matt Iglesias type. You just want to be on the opposite side. What do you think of my analogy that Matt Iglesias is Ezra Klein's Wario? I've been struggling to find a place to put that. We tried to get Ezra to come to the Oakland show and Favreau was convinced it was just because I wanted to say that on stage.

And he knows me. If you've seen the trailer for the new Ba-fuck. Baz-baz. Neither one is right. If you've seen the trailer for the new Ba- fuck. Baz- Baz. Neither one is right. If you've seen the trailer for the new film Elvis, you know we let these Hollywood types go too far when it comes to biopics. You better be an absolute nobody when you die.

And even then, Jared Leto will still mainline liquefied milkshakes for three months to play you. And the Academy will love it. Here to discuss this phenomenon, welcome back to the show, the hilarious Joe Mandy. Hello. Let's talk about this Buzz Lermaine movie. Buzz Lermaine. So you're pumped about Elvis.

You cannot wait. What do you think about the fact that when he met his first wife, she was 14. Isn't that wild? Yeah. I don't think it's good. I hope it's in the movie. It's just what musicians do.

That's what they did back then. I mean, it's in a lot of biopics. Yeah. I'm sorry. I took it to a weird place. So are you going to see it opening weekend, Elvis? Do you think you're going to rush? Are you going to go tonight?

It opens technically at midnight tonight, so you could go see it at midnight. Yeah, I'm having someone save my spot. On the line at Elvis? Yeah, and then I'm going to camp out and put my costume on. Young Elvis or old Elvis? I'm dressing as a 14-year-old girl.

It's time for Joe and I to take on the biopic bracket. What? To decide who is the most obnoxious, the most depraved, and the most egregious example of an actor preparing for a biopic? Do you have some favorites in your mind? I mean, I genuinely love a lot of biopics, but I don't know exactly what the actor did

to prepare. What's funny about biopics is they make a big splash when they come out, and then they vanish from the face of the earth. Nobody's talking about Ray, you know? Right. And that was a big deal, Ray. Right. At the time. Won awards. Won tons of awards. Walk the line. Walk the earth. Nobody's talking about Ray. That was a big deal, Ray. Won tons of awards.

Walk the line. Nobody's talking about walk the line. That's not a Crimson Tide type. You're not stopping on walk the line. You keep moving. I'm running from walk the line. We're running. Run, don't walk. I'm sorry. Let's see this bracket of some of the worst behavior. Here's our biopic bracket.

All right, we have Charlize Theron, Joaquin Phoenix, Rami Malek, Austin Butler, Jennifer Lopez, Lady Gaga, Jim Carrey, Daniel Day-Lewis, Robert Pattinson, Ashton Kutcher, Jared Leto, Jamie Foxx, Margot Robbie, Val Kilmer, Christian Bale, and Forrest Whitaker. Just giving you a sense of where we're headed. All right, let's start. Before we start, though, as a basketball fan, I am curious. Are these ranked? Is Charlie Theron one? Is Joaquin Phoenix 16? I'm really glad you asked that.

No one connected to this show or who knows anyone connected to this show thought about that for even one fucking second. Yeah. There's no seeds here. Right. Now, I actually think we accidentally discovered the idea of seeds fucking second. There's no seeds here. Now, I actually think we accidentally discovered the idea of seeds because some of these have

more funny details than others. And we thought, let's spread those out on the bracket. Which is a way of getting at it. It's a way of getting at it. Alright, let's start with our first contest. It's Charlize Theron versus Joaquin Phoenix. Charlize Theron to play serial killer Aileen Wuornos

in the film Monster. Charlize had her hair thinned out and fried repeatedly in addition to gaining 30 pounds. Phoenix, to get into character while playing beloved singer Johnny Cash in Walk the Line, reportedly refused to talk to his family. It's pretty cool.

Yeah. That's like a great reason to become an actor. It's just like no, I That's like a great reason to become an actor. It's just like, no, I'm preparing for a role. I got to not answer your calls for a while. Yeah. I got to prepare for this for the next 10 to 12 years. Pop up at events with a giant beard. So who are you giving to?

Who went too far? Yeah. Okay. We're giving it to Charlize. We're giving it to Charlize. Oh, one other thing is we don't have the technology to fill this in as we go. So it's a literal fucking spreadsheet, and Brian has

to exit the presentation and change it in cut and base. Way to go, Brian. Okay, next up. Rami Malek, he committed himself to the role of Freddie Mercury in Bohemian Rhapsody. He threw himself into singing, dancing, piano, and movement lessons to become the queer singer. He also had a set of fake Freddie Mercury

teeth made months ahead of shooting and wore them on the set of Mr. Robot between takes. That rules. Okay. But, facing Austin Butler, following his starring turn as Elvis in the new biopic Elvis, Austin says he cannot stop talking

in his Elvis voice. Said Butler, at this point, I keep asking people, is this my voice? Because this feels like my real voice. It's one of those things where certain things trigger it, and other times as well, it's, I don't know, when you live with something for two years and you do nothing else, I think you can't help it.

It becomes a fiber of your being. Wow. That's sad. That's really sad. That's an actual symptom of doing this movie. Yeah, he's come down with a case of Elvis. Of Elvis. I think that's sad. That's really sad. That's like an actual symptom of doing this movie. Yeah, he's come down with a case of Elvis. Of Elvis. I think that's worse.

Yeah, I agree. I think that's worse. I mean, what Rami Malek did just seems like he's actively trying to get someone on set to talk to him. I love that that sound effect just sounds like taking a shit. No, it's good, Brian. It's good. First of all, that's okay. It's fine.

You're doing great. Next up, Jennifer Lopez. By the way, also, I know that in some other sport, these brackets would have names, but Brian named them top left, bottom left. Was that Kendra? We got a bisexual waif and a Star Trek person. There was no one to help us.

I don't know what this is. To get into character as the beloved singer for the film Selena, Jennifer Lopez spent time with the singer's family and slept in Selena's actual bed. Lady Gaga, on the other hand, for the film House of Gucci, stayed in character as Patrizia Reggiani, who was convicted of hiring a hitman to kill her ex-husband for 18 months. She also spoke with an Italian accent for

nine months to stay in character and wrote an 80-page biography of the person she played. Yeah. I still think sleeping in a dead girl's bed wins. That's weird. I think that wins, too. Lady Gaga, I don't remember the guy's name, but she played a character

named Tony Bologna or whatever. Remember that? What was that? She opened an award show as Tony Bologna. So this is old hat for her. Yeah, I agree. I agree. I think sleeping in Selena's bed,

what are you going to learn? You're asleep. It was like, oh, I really didn't understand her until I slept in her. That's not how people work. You never sleep in someone. You don't have to sleep in someone else's bed to understand them.

That does nothing. And how weird for the family. Like, shh. Shh. Jennifer Lopez is still sleeping in our dead loved one's bed. Oh no, now it smells like Jennifer Lopez instead. Too much? I don't know.

I don't think so. I was going to make a joke about her butt leaving an imprint on the mattress. That's good too. I'm glad I didn't. We all are. Next up, Jim Carrey versus Daniel Day-Lewis. As outlined in the documentary Jim and Andy, which shows BTS footage of Jim Carrey's performance as Andy Kaufman in Man on the Moon,

Carrey seems to believe he's called upon and inhabited by the soul or essence of Andy Kaufman. Carrey would only respond to the name Andy. He acted so radically that the studio tried to conceal all behind-the-scenes footage. At one point, Jim Carrey wore a paper bag over his head and crashed a car into a wall. Then you have Daniel Day-Lewis.

While portraying author Christy Brown in the film My Left Foot, based on the memoir from 1954 about growing up with cerebral palsy in Ireland, Daniel Day-Lewis. While portraying author Christy Brown in the film My Left Foot, based on the memoir from 1954 about growing up with cerebral palsy in Ireland, Daniel Day-Lewis, who I point out is able-bodied, refused to get out of his wheelchair and made the crew spoon-feed him his meals. So, did you see the documentary about Man of the Moon? I did, yeah. I have to say, it is one of the most actor-not-realizing, what an absolute fucking asshole he is.

It's incredible. it's incredible it's incredible and on top of that it just seemed like he was so convinced he was going to win every award that he needed to document like his process and then he didn't and then it's just like a waste of like ruining everyone's experience on the movie so it's just like everything about it is a repulsive personality and you see i feel is it danny devito in that movie as So it's just like everything about it is a repulsive personality. And you see, is it Danny DeVito in that movie as well? There's footage in that of Danny DeVito knowing he's on camera and everything about his body language is like,

I have been doing this for 50 years. I cannot believe this bullshit that I'm dealing with. I cannot believe I have to pretend Jim Carrey is not an absolute fucking sociopath, narcissist monster because there's a camera on me. What was interesting was like he was on Taxi so he'd already had to deal with Andy Kaufman's actual shit.

And then now it's like 30 years later or whatever and he's now dealing with a guy pretending to do the actual shit again. It's just like such a mindfuck. Like he should get an award for not like you know having a suicide vest on set. Murdering Jim Carrey.

Yeah, so I think we've got to give it to Jim Carrey. Let's give it to Jim Carrey. I mean, people seemed upset about the food thing. Here's the thing. That's just what actors do anyway. Most of them are spoon-fed on set. That's Hollywood. That's Hollywood.

The Babadook. I'm sorry. If I had said Babadook, I still can't say it. Babadook. Nope. It's pronounced Baz-lerm. That's right. That's right.

All right. Now we're in the top right conference. Robert Pattinson, while co-starring in the film Little Ashes as the painter Salvador Dali,

Robert Pattinson actually masturbated to completion for a scene. What are you gasping? That's awesome. When asked by Germany's Interview magazine why he wouldn't just, you know, act like he was masturbating, Pattinson said, it just doesn't work. So I pleasured myself in front of the camera, added the actor,

my orgasm face is recorded for eternity. God damn it. Ashton Kutcher. While preparing for his role as Steve Jobs in the film Jobs, Ashton Kutcher had to be rushed to the ER with pancreatitis after adhering to Steve Jobs' infamous

fruitarian diet. Steve Jobs, it should be noted, died of a pancreatic neuroendocrine tumor, a rare form of pancreatic cancer. Hmm. Different body parts going on here. For sure. For sure.

I guess I just have, like, a high tolerance for masturbation stuff, I guess. I hear that. No, we'll go with Robert Pattinson. Well, I just think it doesn't matter that he's hot, and I know the answer's no. Like, I know ethically the answer's obviously no. He's at fucking work, but still, he's really hot. So symmetrical.

Was there not a director, though? There was probably a director on the film, for sure. That's also the director's responsibility to be like, hey, let's go back to one and put your dick away. Yeah, 100%. We're going back to one and put your dick away. Yeah. 100%. We're going back to one. Sans dick. So Pattinson.

We gotta get to Pattinson. I just would also point this is neither here nor there but I always am reminded that Steve Jobs decided to treat his pancreatic cancer with bone broth and now none of the plugs plug in to the right you know what I mean? It's like I don't need cedars. I'm gonna go to fucking Mexico and I'm cancer with bone broth, and now none of the plugs plug in to the right. You know what I mean? It's like, I don't need cedars. I'm going to go to fucking Mexico,

and I'm going to have bone broth. And now I have five different ways to plug it in my laptop, and none of them connect to my phone. Yeah. It's the bone broth, you know? Yeah, it didn't work. It didn't work.

It didn't work. Next up, Jared Leto versus Jamie Foxx. To prepare for his role as Mark David Chapman, the man who murdered John Lennon, Jared Leto reportedly gained 67 pounds by drinking microwaved pints of ice cream mixed with soy sauce and olive oil every night, a diet that gave him gout and forced him to use a wheelchair. What a fucking ridiculous person.

That is such a hot guy thing. Like, do you know how easy it is to gain 60 pounds? That's a stupid way to do it. Like, you know, what are you talking about? That's such a hot guy move. Like, he doesn't know how easy it is to gain 60 pounds? That's a stupid way to do it. What are you talking about? That's such a hot guy move. He doesn't know how to eat food. He's at a restaurant. He's like, I'll have an ice cream sundae.

How do you pronounce that? You fucking asshole. I microwaved ice cream and put olive oil in it? Eat a pizza, you dumb fuck. But then also the soy sauce and olive oil is just to make it more exotic or something. Right, like just salty. Just eat the ice cream. Drink the ice cream.

Yeah, just drink the ice cream, you dummy. Jamie Foxx, while starring as singer Ray Charles, had his eyes glued shut so that prosthetic eyelids could be glued over them during the film's 14-hour shoot. Foxx told the New York Times that prosthetic eyelids lead to horrific panic attacks during the first two weeks of filming. Due to the unsettling claustrophobic feeling, he also lost 30 pounds for the role for which he won the Oscar. I mean, what is it? Is it gaining weight or losing weight? I don't know what is normal.

I don't. Whenever an actor is like, I gain weight for this role, it's like, cool. Yeah, because they always do the interview when they're like back to their normal weight so yeah yeah like i gain weight for the role of being in a pandemic who you giving it to jared jared yeah i think that's right i think that's right i think that's right i think it matters if you win the oscar fat suits exist you just wear a fat suit. I also, it's like, this is similar to having like Chris Pratt voice Mario or like the hottest actors in the world doing little cartoons.

It's like, hey, there are fat actors in Hollywood and they're great. Why don't they get to play the fat people? They can't play the thin people. The thin people can play the thin people. Fat for fat. Fat for fat. Like I am,

I am more concerned to be honest. If I can say this, I am more worried about thin people playing fat people or hot people playing ugly people than I am straight people playing gay people. To be honest, if I can be honest, like, okay,

like, Oh no, this straight actor has to learn to make out with a guy. I mean, that's fine. But it's like, oh no, we decided that this is yet another avenue that is closed to people that don't look like Chris Evans. Chris Evans has enough.

Yeah. Let's see him jack off on screen. I don't even... I'm just trying to get mad. I get it. Okay, no, bad idea. We discussed it. I'm sorry. Yeah, I mean, I would, okay. No, bad idea. We discussed this already

and we know that just because they're hot, it's not an excuse to masturbate at work. Time for the bottom right conference. Margot Robbie versus Val Kilmer.

While training for the role of Tonya Harding for I, Tonya, Margot ice skated five hours a day, five days a week for five months until she got a herniated

disc in her neck. Val Kilmer, while getting into character as singer Jim Morrison for the Doors movie, spent thousands of his own dollars to create an eight-minute video singing and looking like Morrison throughout the singer's life. He also spent six months learning every Doors song and became personal friends with Doors producer Paul A. Rothschild, who taught him Morrison's mannerisms and pronunciations. The Doors cast and crew also reportedly received a memo forbidding them from approaching Kilmer on set without good reason,

addressing him as anything other than Jim Morrison or staring at him on set. Kilmer. Kilmer. I mean, Kilmer in a walk. I mean, that's amazing. That's amazing.

Do not look at Mr. Kilmer. Did you see Top Gun Maverick? I did see Top Gun Maverick. Shout out to Lockheed Martin. Shout out Lockheed Martin. Great product out to Lockheed Martin. Shout out Lockheed Martin. Great product placement for Lockheed Martin. Yeah. Shout out Fast Planes, solving problems in the world.

I couldn't find anyone to go see Top Gun with me. That's sad for you. It was. Well, all my friends saw it like, I'm going to see Elvis tonight. And they're all like, you've got to see it in IMAX. And I was like, all right. So I went by myself to IMAX. I got high in my car.

And then I didn't know that I had bought tickets to an IMAX screen that also had like, it was called 4DX. 4DX, I know exactly where you went. You went to a Chinese theater and you bought the 4DX. Yeah, and so I sat down. And then like, it's like a roller coaster. Like the seats shake. Was it cool? It sucked.

I was just like, it's not cool technology. It was distracting me from the movie because they have to pick their spots to when the seats shake or when the smoke comes up. And so anytime Tom Cruise gets on the motorcycle and he's like, vroom, the whole thing was like, vroom. And I'm by myself in a theater

getting scared each time. I was deciding whether or not to do the 4D, what is it, 5D? I think they call it like 5D, 4DX. I was like, do I want to be shaken in my seat? And I was like, I chose not to. Yeah, smart. Don't.

I chose not to. They're not a sponsor, right? No. 4DX. Sucks. There's like smoke that comes out, but it just smells like mildew. God.

Christian Bale. While preparing to portray Dick Cheney in Vice, Christian Bale bought a $3,000 machine to thicken his neck, as well as insisting on speaking only in heavy breathing monotone during filming. On the other hand, Christian Bale did thank Satan for his inspiration in playing Dick Cheney

while accepting his Golden Globe, which is pretty good. Bale's obsessive research on heart attack symptoms is how Adam McKay realized that he was having a heart attack after filming had concluded McKay realized that he was having a heart attack after filming had concluded. Versus Forrest Whitaker. While preparing to play Ugandan President Idi Amin

in The Last King of Scotland, Forrest Whitaker lived in Uganda for three months, learned Swahili, and gained 30 pounds. I think we've got to give it to Bale. I think we've got to give it to Bale. You don't need a machine. We've learned you just melt ice cream and put soy sauce on there to thicken your neck.

I'll show you how to thicken your neck. Get really depressed during the pandemic. Yeah. Have an edible every day because it's a pandemic. Forrest Whitaker's thing is like a life coach. It's like, wait, okay, I go somewhere for three months,

learn a new language, like get fit. That's cool as hell. He's great in that movie. All you have to do is play like a horrible historic dictator. Great, okay. Pretty neat. That movie's great. That's cool as hell. He's great in that movie. All you have to do is play a horrible historic dictator? Great. Okay.

Pretty neat. That movie's great. That's a great performance. That's why I'm glad we're giving it to Christian Bale, because he's a bit silly, too. All right. Now let's finish this bad boy up. All right.

Charlize Theron in Monster versus Austin Butler in Elvis. She thinned her hair and gained weight. Austin is permanently stuck as Elvis. I mean, we got Austin, right? Yeah, you gotta go Austin. We gotta go Austin. Jennifer Lopez decided to haunt a family's dreams by pretending to be their deceased loved one

and sleeping in her bed. Just for a night. Just for one night. Or Jim Carrey who decided that the best way to make a movie about his hero was to make it the worst experience for every single person who worked

on it that they talk about to this day. It's Jim Carrey. It's Jim Carrey for sure. Alright, now over to the top right conference. Robert Pattinson who, again, committed a Me Too violation while hot. Yeah. But that doesn't matter.

It doesn't matter. Hey, it doesn't matter that he's hot. We've talked about this. You fucking freaks. It doesn't matter that he was hot. It's not appropriate. Come on. I mean, both these guys are hot.

This is like a... They're both pretty hot. Jared Leto, again, because he's a hot guy, decided the only way to gain weight is to melt ice cream in the microwave and drink it with soy sauce and then yeah

it caused him to have tummy aches yeah I'm gonna I'm gonna go with the sex crime yeah we gotta go with Robert Pattinson now we have

Val Kilmer who became Jim Morrison and refused to be addressed as anything else on set or Christian Bale who thickened his neck to be Dick Cheney. It's Val Kilmer, right? It's Val Kilmer.

Yeah, I think that's right. I think that's right. So let's do Robert Pattinson versus Val Kilmer. Robert Pattinson... It's Pattinson. What are we doing here? It's Pattinson. Now, Pattinson is in the gruesome twosome versus... Now, it's Austin Butler. Now, here's the problem.

Jim Carrey had an acute moment of being the absolute fucking worst. Probably continues, but not in this one specific way. Austin Butler may be Elvis for the rest of his fucking life. And like 10 years from now, I think he deserves some consideration. But how do you feel? Having seen the documentary

and having seen Andy Kaufman's friends do this movie and watch this person ruin their experience by trying to recreate the antics and stuff, it was so perverse. I have to go with Jim Carrey. I really do. Because also,

Austin Butler has a career in front of him to just be an Elvis impersonator. Right, that's a really important and good point. The other thing, too, is he could get cast as another historic icon, and then all of a sudden he'll just get stuck with a Winston Churchill voice. Smart, yeah, right. Yeah, he can do that. Just gets stuck, you know?

So that's it. How about we should just get him to be like, he's doing the Paul Lynn biopic. He just talks like he's center square, just a closeted gay man from 1962 for the rest of his life. Like, hello. I'm interested in that for him. I want to see where he goes with it.

All right. So now this is an interesting challenge. The final two, the gruesome twosome and the biopic bullshit bracket. It's Robert Pattinson who masturbated on the set of a film. On camera bragging about his orgasm face.

Bragging about his orgasm face, which apparently is something we can all look up and maybe we will, maybe we won't. But then there's versus Jim Carrey, who I think actually in a way masturbated for several months during the making of Man on the Moon. It is an exercise in masturbation.

It is a form of masturbation, what he was doing. So I think this is a close call, but like, I have to say, I think having seen that documentary, I think Jim Carrey was worse. You're crazy. This guy jacked off in front of his co-workers.

There's some information we don't have. And again, two things that don't matter. One, that he was hot. That doesn't matter. And two, that the director was like, go for it, Rob. That doesn't matter. I think it does matter if this was something that he sprung on people

or if there was a conversation like, hey, this is going to get very real in the next five to six minutes. Right. Well, like, when you're on going to get very real in the next five to six minutes. Right. Well, like when you're on set for a show or movie and there's like a gun on set, they have to get everyone together and show them the gun and be like, this might, it's blanks, it's blanks, but just so you know, everyone can hold it, look at it, inspect it.

Yeah. So I'm imagining him being like, okay, so there is something that will go off. I guarantee it. But before we do this scene, everyone can hold it, inspect it. For safety, I will not point this at the camera. It will never be pointed. I treat this thing as if it's loaded at all times.

I'm just going to, look, what if Alec Baldwin just walked across, said nothing, just walked behind us? Because it was every person was thinking about him. Not a person in this room wasn't thinking about Alec Baldwin. You want to give a draw for Pattinson? I do, yeah. Let's pull this audience.

Can we at least admit it's close? All right, we're going to vote. Pattinson. Carrie. Let's try again. For the people voting for Pattinson, jack off. Master Bay as loud as you can.

Hard as you can and loud as you can. Jim Carey wins. Way to go. It doesn't matter that he's hot. All right. All right. Great job, Brian. Jesus fucking Christ. Congratulations right. Great job, Brian. Jesus fucking Christ.

Congratulations to Jim Carrey, who was so despicable on the set of Man on the Moon, he beat a sex crime. Thank you so much to Joe Mandy. Thank you. Check out joemandy.com for his upcoming tour dates. He'll be back for hot takes. When we come back,

better not run by the pool because the lifeguard is here. Don't go anywhere. This is Love It or Leave It, and there's more on the way. And we're back. Headlines across the nation are lamenting this summer's so-called lifeguard shortage. According to the American Lifeguard Association, approximately a third of the country's 309,000 pools might not be able to open at all.

Here to talk about the shortage, it's a lifeguard I met on Jones Beach last time I was visiting family. Please welcome Valentina Giordani-Golbaum. Hey, hey, stop running! No splashing! All right. No running on the deck!

Hey, John. Hi. Thanks for joining us, Val. Keeping up your skills, I see. Oh, yeah. You got to stay sharp. You know, lifeguarding isn't just a summer job. It's my passion.

Okay. Roslyn, Bayshore, poor Jeff, Ron Conklin. You know it. You know it. I've guarded them all. Yeah. I've been lifeguarding since I was a freshman at Stephen Baldwin High School. And now all these pools and beaches just, they feel like a ghost town.

Sad. I'm sorry. Stephen Baldwin has a school named after him? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a charter school, you know? So we stole some books from Great Neck and then we had classes at Roosevelt Field Mall. Oh, that's great.

I used to go there for cheese fries. Okay, back on topic. What do you make of this so-called National Lifeguard shortage? Oh, please. There's no shortage, John. back on topic. What do you make of this so-called national lifeguard shortage? Oh, please. There's no shortage, John. Really? No.

What do you mean? No. Okay, think about it for one second. Think about it. Think about it, John. Think about it. You think America suddenly ran out of people who want to get a succulent base tan while occasionally being a hero?

Lifeguards aren't like baby formula, John. I mean, sure. Okay? I've had to shut down a while due to a bacterial contamination, if you will. But that's just because I went to a frat party at Hofstra. I see what you mean.

Shortage seems like the wrong word. It's not like dwindling supplies in Oregon affects lifeguard supplies in Jersey, and it's not like there are crates of lifeguards stuck on a container ship somewhere caught in the supply chain. You know, it's funny that you would say that, actually, because one of the problems is that a lot of American lifeguards are European immigrants who come over for the summer on a J-1 visa.

But then somebody put the kibosh on temporary work visas, and next thing you know, I'm doing so much CPR, I got to stop vaping, and I love vaping. Okay. You know that the FDA is banning Juul, right? Oh, okay, so my life is turning to hell is what you're telling me, right? Do you know who banned temporary visas, John? I have a feeling it was Donald Trump.

Of course it was! I can't believe I voted for that guy. Val, come on, no. I'm kidding, I'm kidding. Come on, it's a joke. You're all so sensitive. That's just what you have to say to not get your ass kicked at the Dave and Busters in Comac. You know it.

Anyway, Biden didn't renew the ban, but there is a backlog. They opened a Dave and Busters in Comac? Closer to Hop Hog, but Comac is a funnier word, John. Stay sharp. Come on. I wish I had my whistle. I left it in my fucking car. The point is, being a lifeguard is also physically demanding,

and you have to be a great swimmer to pass the rescue course. But at least you get to be outside. And I've got guns like you've never seen from pulling 10, 12 kids a day out of the soup, moments away from kissing the whale, which is what we lifeguards call dying, if you will. Kissing the whale, okay. But here'sguards call dying, if you will. Kissing the whale, okay. But here's another problem.

All right, but there's more. Lifeguard certification stopped during the pandemic, even when people wanted to join our bronzed abdominal community. But shouldn't that improve too as certification resumes? Oh, John. John. My sweet little siasib boy. My sweet little siasib boy. My sweet little siasib baby boy.

My naive North Shore baby. Let me ask you this. I went to North Shore Synagogue. Oh, you did? Sadly, we don't know the same people. How much do you think a lifeguard makes? I guess I assume they pay you in bagels and Bud Light, but that can't be right.

That's not legal tender. Let me put it this way. How much would someone have to pay you to sit in a place scanning the horizon for eight hours a day in the broiling sun waiting for someone to drown? A lot of bagels. Our pay is all over the place.

Some jobs it's $12. Some jobs it's $17. Some jobs it's $20. But then you have to factor in how much you want to resuscitate a stranger. Keep in mind, some of the people who drown are men. That's crazy. Some of them are men. You save people's lives and you put yours at risk.

That would be like paying firefighters minimum wage. It's also funny that you'd say that, John. Because the president literally just gave federal firefighters a raise. Did you know that he signed an executive order last June making sure that federal firefighters don't make less than $15 an hour? I didn't know that. Do you know what the starting base pay was for federal firefighters don't make less than $15 an hour? I didn't know that. Do you know what the starting base pay was for federal firefighters who, again, descend into hell on a regular basis to save us, like my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ himself?

So you went with the Giordani, not the Goldbaum for the religion. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Not the Goldbaum. We went with the, stuck with the dad. It was paternal, yeah. All right. Well, what was it? Between $11 and $14 an hour.

And I only know that because all of my male relatives are firefighters. Well, Val, I'm sorry. I guess I've always focused on the hot bodies and heroics of lifeguards, not the grueling physical demands. You're damn right, John. It's too much. And that's why I've decided to quit my job as the one remaining lifeguard at Jessica Seinfeld State Park.

Jessica. She grew up in Vermont. That's why you came on, so you can announce your resignation. No, no. I came here to deliver a simple message. When someone tells you that they can't find people to fill a job,

the reason is they're not paying enough and or the job is ass. Saying families that rely on public pools and beaches can't have the safe funds some of they deserve, that's not because all the lifeguards got stuck in a pipe.

It's not. No. They're not stuck in a pipe. They're not. There's no pipe. There's no pipe for lifeguards. And there's no lifeguard in a metaphysical pipe. There's no pipe. There's no pipe for lifeguards. And there's no lifeguard in a metaphysical pipe. There's no metaphysical or metaphorical pipe. There's definitely no pipe. It's not a pipe at all. Yeah, get the pipe out of your head.

Forget the pipe. I know you're all thinking about the pipe. Stop thinking about a pipe filled with lifeguards. It doesn't exist. No. It's because we don't value public goods enough. It's amazing what we decide is expendable. Isn't that sad?

It's amazing what jobs we decide should be paid a low wage or not at all that's a choice and i do think like as progressives like politics isn't supposed to just be about surviving even though that's what national politics has become like locally it's about building communities where people want to live about services and facilities that create spaces filled with community and joy, like schools and roads, but also parks and pools. I fell in love one summer hanging out at the pool at Cantillag, and we stayed in touch for years until they joined that cult.

Okay. Valentina the lifeguard, everybody. Stay out of the water unless there's a lifeguard on duty. Guys, give it up for Rose. order unless there's a lifeguard on duty. Guys, give it up for Rose. You can check her out at Long Island Dirt and Comedy Central.

Rose Kelce, everybody. When we come back, it's time for a little ditty. And we're back. You know from his work on Ratatouille, the TikTok musical, the Grocery Store musical, and most recently TikTok's For You page. Not for you, Paige. For you, Paige.

Which is currently up for Emmy consideration. Welcome back, Daniel Mertzluft. And reminder, your suggestions were... What were they? Do you remember? Oh, I got you. SCOTUS. Hungarian Throw Pillow. And Emily's Garden Show. Steven is setting up. We have a moment to vamp.

And the vamping has... I'm from Plainview, so that was a very... You're from Plainview? Anybody from Long Island? Are people here? Just the one. Just the one from Plainview. Your grandparents are from Long Island, but now Florida. What? They're dead. But did they die on Long Island?

They died on Long Island? That's not done. That's where you're from? Your in-laws are from Seacliff. Are they still there? Yeah, 101. 101? Wow. 101 years old. That's cool. Anyone else have some very old

relatives? When I was born, my mother's mother's mother's mother was alive. My great-great-grandmother was alive. Great-great-grandma Bubby. And so she died shortly after I was born. She was in her hundreds.

But so her gravestone says, beloved wife, mother, grandmother, great-grandmother, great-grandmother, because I was alive. But I didn't love her. I was a baby. So it's kind of a lie when you think about it. I'd never thought about that before.

I'm sorry, mom, who's listening. Are you ready? Are you ready, Daniel? Oh, yeah, I'm ready. So tell us, do you have anything you want to tell us about this song? Yeah, I would love to. So reminder, it's SCOTUS, Emily's Garden Show, Pillow Girl. My eyes are really going to be locked on my iPad

because I did just write it, so I'm not memorized. I'm so sorry. So I got to thinking, like, SCOTUS made me, like, really upset, like, because the world sucks right now. But I was like, the other two bring me joy. So what if the song is about bringing joy? So I think, like, that's what it's going to be. And there's going to be some audience participation,

so I hope you don't mind. I need you to sing along with me. So I'll teach it to you right now, and then when we get there, you'll know to come in. So it sounds like this. That's it. Try it. And go. So that's part one,

and then you almost do the same thing, and then it goes Try that. Go. then you almost do the same thing and then it goes whoa whoa try that go whoa whoa yeah that's it try the whole thing ready and go whoa whoa whoa whoa that's it you feel good that's the whole song thank you so much you wrote lyrics right's it. You feel good? That's the whole song. Thank you so much. You wrote lyrics, right? That's... Like, you didn't... Okay.

That's the audience participation part. Yep. We just, we really don't know if you can do this. I don't know. We'll see. Okay, let's see how it goes. Okay, here we go. Okay.

All right, so bringing joy, you know. I don't know about you, but I've been feeling blue Cause the world really sucks right now And honestly, it's hard to find some joy Between the SCOTUS decisions and our growing divisions RBG, why did you have to die? It feels like there's just nothing to enjoy But at least we have Crooked Media

And Love It or Leave It Live with John And Jana, Rose, and Joe Maybe we'll survive And also I have you To sing a song That hopefully you remember that you learned like 30 seconds ago And it goes Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, So let's bring joy to a pundit, because I think it'll be fun. But as long as we don't talk about gardens, I'll make sure to leave that up to Emily.

Got you. I'd say that pillows bring joy, but not when you annoy your favorite podcast host by coming to numerous shows and sewing a pillow and then not showing up right when it's supposed to be done. And I also was very excited to see it, so where the fuck are you, pillow person? So we sing. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Okay, we have more audience participation. We're going to talk about things that bring us joy now.

And I'm going to start. It's pride. It's exciting. Yeah, come going to start. It's pride. It's exciting. Yeah, come on. Give it up for pride. And I also had some really delicious pizza for dinner. That was fun. How about you?

What brings you joy? I'm not sure right now. You were unprepared for the bridge. Nobody told me. I'm really excited to be done with Ozark. Really ready to put a button on that. Period. I did that sentence. That's something I'm looking forward to. I'm going to watch that ready to put a button on that. Period. At the end of that sentence.

That's something I'm looking forward to. You're really excited for Ozark. For Ozark. It's very dark, though. It's a very dark show. You have to really turn on the brightness. I mean, literally, physically, it's hard to see. You have to turn on the brightness on your television.

It's in HDR, but I don't think it's... It's not color corrected correctly. I agree. That was a very in HDR, but I don't think it's... It's not color-corrected correctly. I agree. That was a very long answer, but I love it. I don't know how long this is supposed to go. No, great. Someone else. What brings you joy? Cats. Cats. Cats bring you joy. What else? What? Summer?

Summer brings you joy. Sure. What else? Robert Pattinson. Masturbating on camera brings all of you joy. Sure, what else? Robert Pattinson. Masturbating on camera brings all of us joy. One more. Anyone else? Fine, back to me.

What brings me joy the most is all of our favorite hosts. All right. Just kidding, it's what you all sing with me. Key change! Whoa, whoa, whoa,oh-oh-oh-oh. Whoa, whoa-oh-oh-oh-oh. One more time.

And whoa, whoa, whoa-oh-oh-oh-oh. Whoa, whoa-oh-oh-oh-oh. And then big finish. Oh. Whoa, oh, oh, oh And then big finish. Oh Daniel Miroslav, that was so great. Thank you so much. That was so good. Thank you for doing that. That was so much fun.

And thanks for singing with me. I appreciate it. That was awesome. Thank you. Thank you so much. Thanks to everyone. One more time for Daniel. While they're taking that off stage,

couple things. If the names Beyonce, Drake, and Wendy Williams mean anything to you, be sure to check out this week's episode of Keep It. Not only do we get Ira and Louis' uncensored opinions, but Joel Kim Booster stops by to discuss his Netflix special and his movie Fire Island. Listen and follow Keep It wherever you get your podcasts.

Also, I just want you guys to know something. Crooked Media is launching coffee, and it's great. I tried a bunch of different beans. Tommy tried a bunch of different beans. Everybody at Crooked tried a bunch of different beans, so we could find one that we really like,

so we could make a really cool-looking bag, sell you some coffee, and donate some of the money to register her and register some voters. But we've realized that, given the news cycle, some days are good for selling coffee and some are not. And so this says coffee, good news cycle.

So this is the good news cycle copy. I don't know what a bad news cycle is. But Jesus Christ. The point is, our first blend, What a Morning, is available in medium and dark roasts. They're both so delicious. Host riff on which roast they like best. It's specially great. It's specially graded.

It's ethically sourced. It's small batch roasted to perfection, Brian. We're donating a portion to register her to help millions of women across the country vote. So please go to crooked.com slash coffee to get Crooked Coffee now and help us diversify some revenue streams. That's part of it too, all right?

You want a progressive media company? Buy the coffee. Or you just want Sinclair to own it all. Buy the coffee. Oh my God, this next one says bad news cycle. They gave me both options? Why didn't someone tell me? We should have done this one. We know the news is especially heavy these days. Leave it all in. Leave it all in. This is

great. Hey, before we get to the episode, or before we go, we know the news is especially heavy these days, and it's kind of an awkward time to launch something like coffee. But... Leave it all in. Fuck it. Jordan's going to be so mad at me. It's fine. They're working so hard on this.

The team's worked super hard on it. So please check it out. Crooked.com slash coffee. Leave that all in. It was too good. You were here for a whole... That was real. We come back.

Hot takes. And we're back. Now it's time for a segment we call Hot Takes. You know how it works. Everyone will have 30 seconds to defend a never-before-seen indefensible position as if it were our own. We also each get one skip. But if you skip one, whatever comes next is worse.

Welcome back our guests to the stage. Yeah. Rose, Joe, Janna, come on out. So you know how it works. We're just going to put someone on the screen. You can defend it. You can skip it. But you may get something worse.

Okay. All right. Let's see what's up first. NYU is worth every penny. Rose, take it away. I'm going to kill Ari. Yeah, NYU is the premier. I'm so proud to be a Violet.

Let me lead with that. Or a Bobcat. You don't know. There are two mascots. They have two? I don't know. They can't decide, but gee, that makes the 120K I'm swimming in

real good. You like it? Yeah, I love it. Worth every penny. Worth every single penny that I have not paid off. I don't think you could be doing... You couldn't have this TikTok without that degree. I don't think it's possible you need a degree to get a tiktok you do you do you need a bfa to get a bfa you have to

have a bfa a fine arts degree to get a tiktok then you get to go to vidcon and hate yourself great job thank you let's see what's next give it up for rose that was good having a comedy special doesn't make you special. Joe, take it away. I'll speak for this. I had a special come out in 2017. No one knows. I saw it.

It's great. Thank you very much. I can guarantee you it doesn't help with ticket sales and notoriety. I had a billboard up for that one 10-day period. I did feel special. And then it just sort of went away. And I have to reckon with that.

And I love the whimpering sounds I'm hearing. So I think that's an important message. This too shall pass. And that's something we all should keep in mind even if you have a Netflix special this too shall pass come see me on tour go to joemandy.com and come see Joe on tour

alright let's see what's up for Jenna hear me out what about body negativity oh baby do I ever have something to say about this listen body positivity is passe, okay? We're back to hatin' the bod, all right? It's a piece of shit no matter what you get.

And you know that you're clowning on everyone else's body at all times, you know? And if you get trapped into the mentality of body positivity, you're just going to be failed by the world and by our culture either way. So, we're back to hatin' it. We're back to hatin' it. Preach. Preach. Hate your body. Hate your body. Boo bodies! Hell yeah.

I also think we should consider Cartesian dualism again. Another option. We aren't our bodies. Let's see what's next money success and public adoration are more fulfilling and satisfying

than family friends and community I agree with that that's correct here's the thing any fucking piece of shit

has a family think of the worst person in your life they have a family do they have a boat like think of the worst person in your life. They have a family. Do they have a boat? Like, family's the most important thing. When is the most important thing also the thing everyone basically has?

Except for some really, really, really sad people who've had tragedy. Thank you. And that's how it takes. When we come back, we'll end on a high note. And we're back. Because we need it this week, here it is, the high note.

Hi, I love it. My name is Christy, and I'm calling from Vermont. And I'm just calling because this month my daughter turned five, and it's a huge milestone for lots of kids. But Becca was born microprenee. She was born at 23 weeks gestation, and she spent the first eight months of her life in a hospital. And so I'm calling because it's huge for her to have made it this far,

but also because you and the Crooked Media team have played such a huge role in my life since then. My husband and I were living on the North Shore of Boston and Becca was in the hospital in Boston all those months. And, you know, depending on the traffic, we'd have, you know, a two hour drive into the hospital every single day to visit our girl. And you guys filled us with hope and inspiration and just kept us thinking about other things while we were making that drive. And so thank you for being a part of that journey for us. And we're so excited that she's five and she's doing great and she's happy and fun loving and, you know, everything that you guys do gives us hope for the future and what that will mean for her. So thank you. Hi, Don. My name is Mallory, and I live in Casper, Wyoming.

My high note for the week is that my organization, Casper Pride, just wrapped up a week of events. And at our main event, we doubled our vendors and our attendance. So it was a successful year number seven for us. And this was all after a Trump rally was hosted here in Casper a few weeks prior. Wyoming is still really hard to live in, but there are so many incredible people fighting for good that I just love deeply that it makes it a little bit easier. And also your podcast helps a lot too. I love it so much. And if you ever come to Wyoming to do a live show,

I will be in the front row losing my mind in a good way. Cheers. Hi, I love it. This is Elizabeth. I'm from Glendale, California. My high note for the week is that for the past four months, I taught myself how to run a school board race for a friend who decided to run. And we found out this week with the LA County update that she came from behind from election night and she's going to win. And then another parent also ran for school board, and it looks like she's pulling ahead too. And we won our race on less than $15,000.

We beat a two-term incumbent who just did a terrible job during the pandemic supporting teachers and students. For those of you who are feeling hopeless, get involved with a local race. It feels so, so good all those nights of ignoring my kid to go back doors. And, yeah, get involved with a local race. It feels so, so good. All those nights of ignoring my kid to go knock doors. And yeah, get involved. You'll feel better. Thank you. Hey, Lovett. This is Rosie in Los Angeles. And I wanted to share with you a high note, which is that one of our poker guys, we play poker online, which we've done for two years since the pandemic started. We decided a long time ago that every time we would play poker, we would give $100 to a charity picked by whoever lost the most

amount of money that week. To date, we've given over $11,000 to charities, mostly democratic charities, things like Alzheimer Research, etc. we are now going to concentrate on the charities you mentioned earlier in your show, Kent, and all the things in Texas that go towards helping our LGBTQ+, et cetera, fantastic humans. We're on it. Here's to a full house near you. Bye. Thanks to everybody who full house near you. Bye. Thanks to everybody who called in with a high note. If you want to leave us a message

about something that gave you hope, call us at 213-262-4427. That is our show. Thank you so much to Janice Schmeeting, Daniel Mertzleff, Joe Mandy, and Rose Kelso, and everybody who sent in a high note. There are 136 days until the midterm election. Have a great weekend.

That was great. Thank you. Love It or Leave It is a Crooked Media production. It is written and produced by me, John Lovett, and Lee Eisenberg. Kendra James is our senior producer, and Brian Semel is our producer. Hallie Keeper is our head writer, and Jocelyn Kaufman, Pallavi Gunalan, and Peter Miller are the writers. Huge news, guys. Huge news. Milo Kim, Mia Kelman, and Matt DeGroote for filming and editing video each week so you can. Huge news, guys. Huge news.

Crooked Coffee is here, so we can finally stop talking about how it's coming soon and start talking about how it's arrived. Our first blend, What a Morning, is available in delicious medium and dark roasts. I'm a dark roast guy. Medium for me. I love them both, but I think I'm just a huge fan of this dark roast.

I want you all to know something, that we had so much coffee come to different people at Crooked, so they could all test different kinds of coffee, so they could pick out a really good one. They worked very hard to pick out a good one. People are really seriously, too. There's a lot of comparisons, a lot of talking about coffee. We worked hard with coffee experts to make sure our beans are top shelf quality.

Don't give us any shitty beans over here. Top shelf beans. You've got to get on astool to get these beans. And of course, you know, we're Crooked Media. It was important that the coffee was ethically sourced. And, very importantly, we're donating a portion of the proceeds to the organization Register Her, which will help millions of women across the country vote. There are people out there that said that a media company couldn't launch its own coffee brand.

We're here to say, we're gonna prove you wrong. Bezos. Haters. Because we got coffee now. Go to crooked.com slash coffee to get your crooked coffee now. In order to support our show, we need the help of great advertisers. And we want to make sure those advertisers are ones you'll actually want to hear about. So we need to learn a little more about you to make that possible. Go to podsurvey.com slash love it. And you can take a quick anonymous survey. That way, Thank you for your help.