Lovett or Leave It - James and the Giant Divorce

Episode Date: February 25, 2023

In this week’s show, Lovett Or Leave It welcomes President Biden to the Dynasty Typewriter stage to address all these audio deepfakea of him on TikTok. At least it sure sounds like President Biden? Robin Tran and Brendan Scannell weigh in on the pressing ethical questions of our time, while Marjorie Taylor Greene (Megan Gailey) drops off America’s divorce papers, whether we want them or not. Our audience tries to guess which linguistic worms got yoinked out of Roald Dahl’s literary peaches, while our guests’ Hot Takes warm our hearts on this chilly, rainy Los Angeles night. For a closed-captioned version of this episode, click here. For a transcript of this episode, please email [e-mail] and include the name of the podcast. 

Good evening, Los Angeles. Welcome to Love It or Leave It, live or else, I'm back. All right, so let me tell you what happens when you get two colds in a month. People think you're dying or quitting. And it is both. Thank you for your concern. No, I haven't had a secret falling out with Tommy

though we aren't having sex as much as I would like but friendships evolve not quite quitting also to the people concerned I'm in the midst of a midlife crisis yeah 100% that's why I do this show and what a show it will be

robin tran and brendan skinnell untangle the ethical knots of modern life marjorie taylor green swings by to say it's time for america to open up our relationship megan gailey joins for hot takes and a very special surprise guest just flew in from Warsaw and boy are his arms old. But first, let's get into it. What a week. CNN anchor and turtleneck enthusiast Don Lemon apologized and will participate in formal training after he declared last week that Nikki Haley isn't in her prime, saying that

a woman is only considered to be in their prime in their 20s and 30s and maybe 40s. Generous. This is, of course, a terrible thing for CNN to say about people. It's something people should say about CNN. For those at home, it's a logo from CNN's 40th anniversary. Podcasting is an audio medium. Meanwhile, Nikki Haley is now selling merch based on those comments. Supporters can order a koozie that reads, pass my prime, hold my beer. Does it completely make sense?

No. Nevertheless, she persisted. Meanwhile, the world-famous dingbat narcissist offended by the dumbest motherfuckers on earth, Marianne Williamson, made primary president Biden. Wow, okay, okay. Some people in this audience have crystals by their bed.

Anyway, she's teasing an important announcement on March 4th in Washington, D.C., suggesting she made primary president Biden. We shouldn't get ahead of ourselves, though. The announcement could also be it's Pisces season. In a series of unusual interviews with multiple news outlets, the foreperson of the grand jury established to investigate Trump and his cronies attempts

to overturn the 2020 election strongly hinted that Trump was among those recommended for indictment. I don't think that there are any giant plot twists coming. Love her energy. Love agreeing to talk to every reporter but being super coy. This just in, I'll never tell. Definitely not supposed to be giving interviews. Great choice. I will say, though, accountability for Trump would be

an incredible plot twist that none of us will see coming. Speaking of the devil, the world-famous amateur golf cheat himself, Donald Trump, visited East Palestine, Ohio, this week, bringing pallets of Trump-branded water bottles for residents. We're bringing thousands of bottle of water, Trump water, actually,

most of it. Some of it we had to go to a much lesser quality water. He's back, baby. Firing on every goddamn cylinder. Trump also announced the opening of his new Trump water bottling plant right there in East Palestine. Trump wrapped up his trip with a visit to the local McDonald's where he said this to the employees. A nice, beautiful-looking room for baby.

So I know this menu better than you do. I probably know it better than anybody in here. It's always inspiring to see someone in their absolute element. Beyonce at a microphone, Simone Biles on the mat, Donald Trump placing a huge order at a potentially toxic McDonald's.

I know it better than Meatball Ron, I can tell you that much. He may know the menu of Bucca di Beppo better than me, but not this menu. He's Italian. Can I make you care about that? I'm not sure. I'm going to try.

Maybe it'll get your wheels turning. Can he make the Republicans anti-Italian again? That's a hat for him. Transportation Secretary Mayor Pete subsequently visited East Palestine on Thursday and had this to say about Trump. Well, one thing he could do is express support for reversing the deregulation that happened on his watch. More politicians should come to the toxic chemical cloud to throw shade at each other. The rail housewives of East Palestine. Immigration advocates are criticizing CBP1, the mobile app the Biden administration plans to use to handle screenings at the U.S.-Mexico border, saying it's rife with bugs and disadvantages to the most vulnerable asylum seekers. Even worse, it's impossible

to get all the citizen trophies if you're not willing to buy additional asylum tokens. I don't like these in-app purchases. It's addictive. It takes advantage of people. The administration plans to rebrand the app as CBP Max and put house hunters on it. Republican

Speaker of the House Kevin McCarthy gave Fox News host Tucker Carlson exclusive access to security footage from the January 6th attack on the Capitol. You know, kind of like a coach reviewing game footage to figure out exactly why his team lost. Thanks. Senator Bernie Sanders, who was in New York City to promote his new book this week,

accidentally found himself in the background of a TikTok dance video. For those of you at home, Bernie looks at these kids with the weary disgust of a Jewish grandfather who's just seen you put lox on a cinnamon raisin bagel. The deans of Vanderbilt University's Peabody School have issued an apology after it was discovered that they sent out a statement on the Michigan shooting using chat GPT rather than a more personal heartfelt message.

Apparently people knew something was up when they got to the sentence, unfortunately humans need to die so that I can write all the BuzzFeed quizzes. The Labor Department has filed a report that a sanitation company owned by Blackstone illegally used more than 100 children to clean a slaughterhouse in Nebraska,

even hiring the same child twice under different names. I don't understand the big deal. Kids love animals. That was my favorite one today. 61 British companies participated in a four-day workweek pilot program, and 56 of them, or 92%, now say they will continue with a four-day week going forward. According to the study... Oi, extra... Oi, extra time for a pint of footy with the lads in it.

You make me do this, and then you fucking look and then you look what did I do wrong I really I tried Steven gave me a fucking okay sign like a white supremacist

keep it moving keep it moving oy extra time for a footie with the lads isn't it oy extra time with I can't with the lads, isn't it? Oh, extra time with fucking...

I can't do it. I don't do accents. Not one of my skills. Not an arrow in my quiver. I'll keep moving. Former German Chancellor Angela Merkel was apparently prank called by Russians pretending to be Petro Poroshenko, the former president of Ukraine. This was, of course, a breach of trust for Merkel, who had already begun searching for President Poroshenko's runaway refrigerator.

Another fame run. a breach of trust for Merkel, who had already begun searching for President Poroshenko's runaway refrigerator. Another favorite. The superintendent of a Texas school district has resigned after a third grader found a gun the school administrator left in the bathroom of Rising Star Elementary School. Yeah. As a standard Texas procedure,

the resignation came after the third grader pointed the gun at the adult and said, I'm the superintendent now. Said the superintendent, I made a terrible mistake. I should have made sure there were enough guns for the whole class. A group of neo-Nazis gathered outside a Broadway theater to protest the opening performance of the musical Parade starring Ben Platt. Everyone's a critic. the opening performance of the musical Parade starring Ben Platt.

Everyone's a critic. The show dramatizes the true story of a Jewish factory worker who was falsely accused of murder and killed by an anti-Semitic mob. The whole thing is pretty shocking. A Jewish factory worker? Meanwhile,

meanwhile, New York City's Metropolitan Transportation Authority is warning riders of the dangers of subway surfing after instances of riding on the dangers of subway surfing. After instances of riding on the outside of trains more than quadrupled last year, authorities are blaming social media. The MTA added, in light of this alarming statistic, we will be working round the clock to ensure that the outsides of our trains are as unwelcoming as the insides. The city of Laguna Beach has passed a strict ban on the sale and use of balloons of any kind on public property, said the city council.

We all love balloons, but with a little thought and creativity, we'll soon find even better ways to strangle marine wildlife. The United States will experience an historic winter storm this week, with multiple states around the country expected to receive 9 to 12 inches. 9 to 12 inches sounds fun in theory, but it's just more than you need. Starbucks has debuted three new beverages, each made with oat milk, espresso, and olive oil. The second you think Starbucks has done innovating,

they'll surprise you with a totally groundbreaking new way to make their bathrooms a nightmare. Unfortunately, those drinks only come in size... Oh, mama mia! All right. Honestly, I lost my confidence from the British. That was better. That one was better. That one was better.

Meanwhile, according to a new draft guideline released by the FDA, plant-based milks made from soy, oats, or almonds are welcome to be labeled as milk. If these guidelines go into effect, it will mark a reversal of the Trump administration, which said, and this is a quote, almonds do not lactate.

While it is the liberal position that lactation is a sacred ritual between a child and the yellow peanut M&M. Paints a little picture in your mind. If you're not careful. That being said,

I do think Almond Breeze went too far. Referring to their drink says, Big Almond Milkers. The Phoenix Mercury confirmed this week that Brittany Griner

would be re-signing with the WNBA team. Excellent trade for the Phoenix Mercury. Anyone who knows the game understands that she is much stronger on offense than Russian arms dealer

Victor Merchant of Death Boot. Merchant of Death? More like Merchant of Turnovers. I want to tell you guys something. I did not write that sports joke. But I did write the thing about the turnovers, and I was super proud of it. And then it fucking

shot the bed. In response to Will Smith's infamous slap at last year's Oscars ceremony, Academy CEO Bill Cramer announced the 2023 Oscars will have a new crisis team that will be prepared for anything. We have snipers covering every angle, said Cramer, adding Alec Baldwin will be in the rafters.

They said it was what happened because of the slap, but I have a feeling it's because of what happened at the BAFTAs. Angela Baxter did the thing. Viola Davis, my woman king. Bette Cain, you're a genius. Jamie Lee, you are all of us. There's nothing left to say about that. Spotify has added a new feature, an AI DJ called X,

that not only mixes a playlist, but also adds computer-generated commentary detailing its choices. For instance, mine played a Weezer song and told me it's because I'm a dork-ass weenie. And then just laugh for the whole song. According to scientists, the signature songs of humpback whales may have been signs of loneliness.

Since the whale population has been growing, they're recording fewer calls. Or maybe the whales just decided they've had enough of the apps. That's how it sounds in the ocean now. Quiet. A species of pig crossbred with a wild boar to withstand Canadian winters has been growing in number and devastating local wildlife ever since a few farmers let some of their pigs loose during a downturn. These super pigs are stronger and more intelligent than other livestock,

can take down adult deer, and are clever enough to devise ways to hide from hunters, including dressing up like a sexy lady and seducing the hunter. For those listening at home, there is a picture of Elmer Fudd and Bugs Bunny in drag. For those listening at home, there is a picture of Elmer Fudd and Bugs Bunny in drag. One method of hunting the pigs is GPS tagging a single pig and letting that pig lead you back to the other hidden pigs. Of course that works. That's what I've been saying for years. That's what I've been saying we should do to Prince Andrew. And finally, a large mysterious metal sphere washed up on a beach in Japan this week, baffling police and residents.

Still, I urge everyone to remain calm. We have nothing to sphere, but sphere itself. Thank you. When we come back, a special visitor. And we're back. On Monday, President Biden arrived in Ukraine in a secret and daring trip meant to convey the unwavering solidarity of Ukraine's allies and to have a story about a train in the news that isn't about how it's killing all the birds. It was an incredible feat of planning and logistics. Unfortunately, it has also given President Biden a taste for secret trips to chaotic and unforgiving places. That's why it is my great pleasure to present to you on yet another surprise visit, President Joe Biden.

President Biden. John, keep it down. Yes, it's me, Joe. The 10-ton Don from Wilmington, Mr. Dr. Jill Biden. Yes, it's me, Jolton Joe, the 10-ton Don from Wilmington, Mr. Dr. Jill Biden. I would love to come out there and say hello and how are you, but while waiting for my cue, I sampled a few of the funny gummies you have backstage for the people you describe as guests. And now, gosh darn it, I'm trapped in what appears to either be a broom closet or an alternate dimension where the people are all sentient but unmoving brooms. But these brooms are good, hard-working folks, John, just trying to earn a buck and get

home to the little brushes and dustpans at home, trying to give them a better future. That's what my daddy used to say life was all about, providing for your family and keeping your sister away from Italians. I'll be here all night watching teak talks of people using this new AI voice technology to make Joe Biden say things. Joe Biden wouldn't be caught dead saying as if that had fooled a living soul. Oh, and by the way, Harry Styles deserved album of the year. All right. Just stay there, sir. We'll check in with you later. When we come back,

we question the nature of morality. And we're back. The world is full of ethical conundrums. Is it morally wrong to laugh at Marjorie Taylor Greene's call for a national divorce, knowing she herself is currently getting a divorce? Is it wrong to invent deepfake technology that can kind of simulate the president's voice, knowing that someone will use it to have Biden, say, call Vladimir Putin a six-foot-tall cabbage patch doll with a baby's chin? Is it morally acceptable to edit the unsavory boots out of Roald Dahl books? Wait a minute. Okay, we're going to do that in every other segment. But first, here to tackle some other tough questions, welcome to the stage the hilarious Robin Tran and the wonderful Brendan Scannell.

Hi, come on out. Great to see you both. Hi, hi, hi. Hi. How's it going? What's happening? First of all, Robin, welcome. Thank you. Hi, everyone. Thank you. Do you consider yourself to be an ethical person? Do I consider myself to be an ethical person? Yeah.

No, I mean, not really. I mean, I try... I mean, I like to... I'm ethical, but mean, I guess. Sure. I think that's cool. Yeah. Do you?

Well, it's interesting. I'm sorry. No, and thank you for the question. Thank you for the question. Get him. Yeah. Oh, I'm getting suspicious here.

I do think, as long as you don't think you need manners to be ethical, I'm doing great. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. So do think, as long as you don't think you need manners to be ethical, I'm doing great. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. So you're ethical but rude.

I'm definitely rude at a kind of deep and fundamental level. Yeah. It's something I'm working on. Yeah, you really eased into it. You think you're an ethical person? It's the first time we've ever talked to each other. Do you think you're an ethical person? It's like, oh, yes. Yes.

Well. Didn't ask me. Doesn't seem very ethical. He knows the answer. Oh, sorry. Do you consider yourself to be an ethical person? I do, yeah. Oh, I should have just said that. I don't know if I'm an ethical person. I really don't like to lie. You know, gay spent my whole adolescence

lying. It scares me to lie. So I try to be really honest at all times. Honest Abe, that's what they call me. That's where that nickname comes from. Do you guys know Brian? What? This segment was his idea.

These sound like trick questions. Well, do you think it's ethical to hold him accountable if this segment doesn't work? No! I think that you are held accountable, right? It's your show, right? Doesn't the buck stop with you? I think it's not ethical to tell someone they're doing a bad job

if they're doing a bad job That's interesting Are you familiar with the New York Times column The Ethicist? Yes. Producer Brian is and every week the NYU philosophy professor Kwame Anthony Appiah tackles some of the weirdest Are you familiar with the New York Times column, The Ethicist? Yes. Producer Brian is. And every week, the NYU philosophy professor Kwame Anthony Appiah tackles some of the weirdest, most heartbreaking questions ever submitted to the gray lady. He's got training, but we've got something even more important.

Time to fill. Are you ready to put your ethical hats on? Sure. Let's do it. Yeah. All right. And keep in mind, you did buy those hats secondhand to avoid contributing to fast fashion.

Ethically. What? No, that's a really good point. All right. These are ethical questions that the ethicists tackled, but we're going to tackle them instead. All right, Brennan, you'll go first. That's great. For those at home,

I'm holding the lever in the trolley problem. It looks like you're holding a plunger. I'm holding a plunger in the trolley problem. I'm dealing with a separate problem. All right. I accidentally clogged a toilet, and it's not even my home. I'm a guest. And I look out my window, and it's not even my home. I'm a guest.

And I look out my window, and it's like, oh, my God, that trilogy is either going to hit five people or one person. It looks like you're going to use it as a weapon to kill all the people on the tracks, actually. It's a visual joke. You'll go home. It does look like that. It'll play in the pod. It'll play.

It'll play. It'll crush. All right. All right, Rob and Brendan, here we go. Someone lonely considers me a friend. Should I stay in his life? I pretend to like him, but I don't find spending time with him enjoyable. He's depressed and difficult.

Is it wrong to be a fake pal of the other option? Is this motherfucker has literally zero friends help? You got to cut this guy loose. I'm telling you, you are taking up space in his life by pretending to be his friend. Ghost him. Stop going to the potlucks. Don't do the coffees. Don't go to the concert.

And allow him to find somebody else who he actually connects with. I think it's really good. It's a very ethical point. I think it was very ethical. It's how I have gotten rid of most of my friends from college. This mentality. That's really smart. That's really smart.

You're okay with ghosting. You're not doing friend breakups. I've done that L.A. thing where if I get a text from somebody that I haven't talked to in a while, I just go, the universe doesn't need this. I texted you. Yeah, you texted me yesterday to do the show today because somebody else dropped out. Hey, give it up. Give it up. Yeah, you texted me yesterday to do the show today because somebody else dropped out. Hey, give it up.

I don't know how ethical that was. Robin, what do you think? I think you should quiet quit the friendship. Just get out. Just take longer to respond. Oh, I'm so busy. Just slow it down. Slow it down, yeah. Just slow it down, but not ghost.

Slowly ghost more. Just get them accustomed to it takes a while to respond and stuff. It's like you're slowly going transparent, like you're in the Back to the Future photo. You'll never ghost, but at some point, you're gone. Yeah. There needs to be a name for that style of slow ghosting. Just being a piece of shit.

Oh, can we curse on this? The slow ghost? It's called gaslighting. Yeah, it piece of shit. Oh, can we curse on this? I don't know. The slow ghost? It's called gaslighting. Yeah, that's the word you're looking for. All right, next question. Am I obligated to look after my insufferable mother? On the one hand, she has a mental illness that she has never been able to accept.

On the other hand, she has been emotionally abusive my entire life. Back on the first hand, she is a hoarder. On the second hand, neither me nor my sister can stand to have her move in with us and our families. Help. No, no obligation. Nope, not at all.

First of all, I didn't choose to be born. You had me. And my obligation with you is over, you know? I think that a lot of shows in the 90s had like the love your family no matter what trope and i think it was like baby boomers writing this to like gaslight people into loving them without deserving it at all and um i don't believe in sticking around with biological family of their crappy or friends of their crappy you know i think it's chosen family is better i'm pro-choice

I think chosen family is better. I'm pro-choice, even when it comes to... By the way, I would cut her out even if she was nice, whoever's asking. If you don't like her, just cut her out. I don't know what's the issue. I feel like I'm going to say yes, you do have to take care of your mom even if she sucks,

and you should, especially if she has a mental illness that you as maybe like an armchair psychiatrist believe that she has. Like, I'm sorry. You were the only thing potentially preventing your mother from either dying alone or dying on the streets. It's time to step up. Wow. Wow. And controversial in the house.

These people have all kicked their mothers to the fucking curb. These people have been ignoring their bipolar siblings. These people have been not responding to their friends from college texts. These people are cold-blooded. He's actually describing me. I think I just triggered myself. I'm sorry. I was taking Eminem's lead. Eminem didn't like his mom, and I grew up with Eminem.

Eminem is... Yeah, and she sued him twice. Shit. For libel. What? Eminem's mom sued Eminem for libel? Like, for like $10 million, yeah. Oh, that's a good move.

That's a good move. Get a settlement. Who wants to make that go away? You know? But clearly not a great mom. No, not a great mom. That's not a great mom move, suing your kids. It was actually Eminem who wrote it in the question. question yeah that's what eight mile two was going to be

about it was going to be like a sorkin it was going to be a sorkin s legal drama 16 mile no two eight mile two periods all right next up long, I bought a human skull. What should I do with it? I purchased it in the 1970s through a medical supply company. Wanting to know its source, I had to test it. The lab couldn't pull any DNA to prove its origin, but with the advancement of DNA technology,

I feel like they could in the future. My children do not want to inherit it, and it seems terrible to throw it away. Help. That's an interesting one. We all have a cabinet or a drawer or a box or a closet in our home that is the one where we

gave up. You know what I mean? You know when you move into a new place and you unpack and you do a great job and you get the things up on the wall, but then there's just a stack of things that are the last things and you never dutch them. You never get to them. Those are the things you didn't finish unpacking.

Now imagine there's a skull in there. Robin, what do you do? I think he should take the skull, go to the police department, and turn himself in for being a sociopath. That's my answer. I don't want to know this person. Quiet, quit this friendship with this person. That's my answer. Yeah.

I don't want to know this person. Quiet, quit this friendship with this person. Yikes, man. Tough thing to find in the medicine cabinet when you're snooping, you know? Yeah, right.

Brendan, what would you do with this skull? Now with these, like, modern 23andMe type things, my fear is that you would take this skull in and you would learn that this skull was, like,

part of some larger murder mystery. And then next thing you know, bam, you're being interviewed for some stupid Netflix documentary. And then the next thing you know, bam, someone's outside your house because they're a super fan and then they murder you. And so I'm anti-murder pod. I'm anti-murder documentary. I'm anti-murder documentary. And so I think what you do is you just give it a good stomp. I think I really appreciate that. I think I put this skull in the category of don't ask a question you don't want to know the answer to.

You know what I mean? What are you going to find out? You have to be ethical to yourself in your own time. Yeah, that's true. Respect yourself. Hey, hey. Put that thing in the fucking garbage. Yeah, that's true. Respect yourself. Hey, hey. Put that thing in the fucking garbage. Compost it.

It goes right in the loamy. The next thing you know, you're going to be like one of those memes, like the guy from the Fyre Fest documentary who told everyone that he sucked dick

in exchange for water. And then all of a sudden, you're on Twitter. It's your face and people being like, that feeling when I, and it's you when you find out the skull you've had for 20 years is a murderer. No.

Yeah, it's like, it's Jimmy Huff's skull. People are asking you what you'll do a blowjob for. It's like, you don't need it. You don't need it. I do think you should do like a video saying goodbye. Like you put on the Green Day song, you know, and then you do a photo shoot. The one. Well, the one you play.

The one that they play at the end of like high school dances. Good riddance, parentheses, time of your life. And then I would throw it in the garbage. Okay, next. My cousin, who is a paramedic in our town, told me my good... Oh, I know this one. This is the best one. This honestly set off quite a little debate at Crooked. who is a paramedic in our town, told me my good... Oh, I know this one. This is the best one.

This honestly set off quite a little debate at Crooked. My cousin, who is a paramedic in our town, told me my good friend's brother didn't actually die by suicide, which is what the family believes, but rather of autoerotic asphyxiation. My friend is understandably deep and broken up about their brother's inexplicable suicide, which they have always believed

was a suicide for many years. He has now come to find out it wasn't a suicide at all, but it's information he isn't supposed to have because it was passed on illicitly by someone who should have protected the privacy of the person who ultimately died of autoerotic asphyxiation.

You know, you're not supposed to know, the family believes their loved one died of suicide. Do you tell them? Yes. I love that. What? I love that. Who the fuck do you tell them? Yes. I love that. Who the fuck do you think you are? You die with that information.

Like a good Irish Catholic. You think you don't tell them? Robin, what do you think? I don't think that you tell them with your own voice. You're like Paul with a little... Oh, I see. you think i don't think that you tell them with your own voice you like call like you know with a little like you get like oh i see i have information you get like ai merrill street ai merrill street tells them but i i think i would be relieved that the person just

wanted to come super hard rather than they're depressed or something. That would make me happy. Oh, okay. I see that. So you're basically saying it was an accident. You didn't do anything wrong. He just had a wank. Yeah.

He just had a wank. He was actually really cool. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I don't know. You asked me if I'm ethical and I said no. Yeah.

I mean, it's an interesting thing. It's like two competing... I think it's like which ethical value do you care about more one the ethic of medical privacy in general or two uh the ethic of giving people information that would assuage their terrible feelings and i think in this case you have you should tell them that's my i guess don't care about medical privacy at all. I didn't know that we were supposed to care about that. I tell everyone what pills I take and stuff. Is that something that's against the law?

All right, well. I mean, I told the newspaper what medications my mom was on. I didn't know I was supposed to do that. No, I think that's cool. We're getting a really good sense of your relationship there. What newspaper? What newspaper? What newspaper?

It's a long story. Yeah, because I think that like your point that like it was cool. It was just a wank. It's like the reason it was so secretive is if there was something shameful that happened. But really it was just an accident with some sexual shame on top. Yeah. And it's just like. It was stupid. Well, it's like if you.

Can we not say that that's stupid? Well, yeah. I don't think it's smart. But no, but if like if this person fell off a bicycle, but it looked like they had taken their own life, you'd be like, oh, of course tell them. Let's say you fell off a bicycle on a bridge. So you fell off a bicycle and then you came? That's what I was thinking, too.

There's just a puddle of cum. That's what I was thinking, too. I am saying, separately, an historian without the fucking masturbating, that someone's on a bike, they trip, they fly off a bridge, the family here thinks it's suicide because somebody steals the bike.

I don't know. I'm inventing a fucking thing. And then... What do they do to invent? Oh, my God. And then there would be no question. Of course they'd want to know. Later they found footage or something.

Of course you'd tell them because there's nothing shameful about falling off a bike, but in our fucking Puritan society, there's nothing shameful about falling off a bike but in our fucking Puritan society there's something shameful about dying while you know uh

uh you can't even say it masturbating masturbating I could say masturbating I just was trying to think of something fun but I didn't have anything

because I've just wank is really masturbating is very fun wank cleared out the brain space let's do one more should I let my brother know he was adopted our parents are elderly and not long because his wank is really stuck. Master bidding is very fun. The wank cleared out the brain space. Let's do one more. Should I let my brother know he was adopted?

Our parents are elderly and not long for this world. I mean, if you don't like your brother, you should, like, find a time to tell him where it really hurt his feelings. Like, I'm just picturing, like, I don't like my family very much, so I'm like, I would, like, save it for, like, an argument. Yeah, no, and that's that's that's and i look and i just for anyone listening if you're listening to this i think you've raised such a really important point and look this is this is and look this is a show we take pride in being a

place like a queer space and as three queer people on stage we just want if you're listening at home and you're in the closet just know the best and smartest way to tell people you're gay is in the heat of an argument. That's when you want to do it. Use it as a weapon. Shock people. Upset people. The older and more Christian, the better.

Thank you. Just reminded me I wanted to say that. I was meant to say that today. I'm not fucking gay, by the way. No, I'm kidding. I don't know what the fuck this guy's talking about. I said... Okay.

All right, that's how you want to do this? That's how you want this to go? Are we telling them they're adopted or not? I ain't touching this one. Sometimes I feel like if you're writing into the New York Times with this type of information, I'm just like, get a life. And that's the most important part. Figure it out yourself.

Talk to a therapist. I don't know this one. What do you guys think? Interesting. Here's, uh, 20. Oh, yeah. Steal their blood. Here's my feeling on this.

Inherent in this question is the idea that there's anything at all wrong with being adopted. There's nothing, it's not a, it's not a bad thing at all. I actually would be like stoked if I was adopted. It's like, oh, you guys chose to have me? I feel like, you have to have a sense of what the brother, how it would affect the brother. You know, if the truth of that would be good for them, right? Yeah, well, he does wear the brother. I should add that the brother wears a sweatshirt

that says, love my Italian DNA. It just says, va-va-voom. Coming at your Italian several times tonight. Hold me accountable. Capisce? And on that note, check out Robin on That's My Time with David Letterman.

I've watched it. It's a great episode. Everybody should check that out. And for Brendan's plug, he'd like you to know he's a fan of mine. When we come back, more from the president

who is with us here at Dynasty Typewriter. Hey, don't go anywhere. There's more of Love It or Leave It coming up. And we're back. Before our next guest, we have President Joe Biden stoned in a broom closet. Let's see how he's doing. Mr. President, are you OK back there? Better than ever, John. Never felt, you know, so strong. Very good.

How I feel is perfect. I'm 80, but I'm a Delaware 80. Not like you rat racers in New York and Los Angeles putting on those city miles. Besides, it's nice to stand in one place for a few minutes. I'm tired. Most men my age need a week to recover from a redye to Miami. I was in Warsaw yesterday, but folks, it was worth it. I got to ride a train, stand up for democracy, and do a surprise all at the same time. I thank God Almighty Jill wasn't with me on that train. If I would have seen even an ankle on that ride from Warsaw to Kiev. Lord, help me.

America would have finally dropped a payload in Ukraine. I'll tell you. I like that one because it's gross and the voice is a mess. Thank you, Mr. President. We're going to check back with you one more time in a little bit later in the show. But first, it's time for America's hottest divorcee. First, it's time for America's hottest divorcee. Georgia Congresswoman and sentient Facebook comment Marjorie Taylor Greene called for a national divorce this week, tweeting, we need to separate by red states and blue states and shrink the federal government. We were planning to just make a few jokes about this and move on, but then we found Greene herself holed up in the printer room at our office,

shredding USB cords with her teeth and snarling like a raccoon. We managed to lure her into a humane trap with a picture of a Slim Jim, and after testing her for both COVID and rabies, we've decided to release her back into the wild on stage tonight. Please welcome Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene. Ah! Oh, my God. This is kidnapping!

All right, all right. Call the police! All right. all right. Call the police! All right. I've been abducted by Antifa radicals, and my lawyers will be seeking the death penalty. Okay. Calm down. All right, please, please, please. Thank you.

We just took you to the vet to get your fleas under control. You, on the other hand, broke into the cricket office and not our Wi-Fi. Mm-hmm. I had no choice, John. George Soros was using it to communicate with John Lewis about how to steal the next election. I've got two words for you. International Space Station!

Marjorie, John Lewis died in 2020. That's what they want you to think Okay, look, I'm not getting dragged into this bad shit nonsense We have to talk about some different bad shit nonsense Marjorie, you angered a lot of people this week By tweeting that you think we need a national divorce Would you like to take this opportunity to walk that back Or maybe even apologize?

You can shove your opportunity up your woke California dick hole. If you still got one. Nope, for sure. That's sort of what I figured. I meant what I said. This union, this union, which sounds like onion, but his union is frigging over. Blue states, pack up your Trader Joe's totes. You can keep your little drag brunches

in your Holocaust museums. Oh, what a fun field trip. Red states will take patriotism and the military. We want Christ and Christmas, and y'all want to suck off Canada. Everybody's happy. Let's sign these papers right now. Hold on.

Okay. Why do red states get the military? You're the ones trying to secede. Don't we get the military in the divorce? The military wants to live with us, John. You can ask them. Don't turn this into some big old custody battle. Do you mean custody battle?

That's what I said! Fine, okay, but if you get the military, blue states get all the other loose guns. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. We're taking the guns, okay? That's a non-negotiable. Come on, you don't even like guns. You would just store them responsibly.

And where's the fun in that? It's the principle of the thing, Marjorie. Red states can't take everything. Alright, fine. Okay, what do you gay-ass soy states want? Libraries? Fine! Take the libraries! And the hospitals? Psh, take them! I don't even know

why we have those puppies! When I don't feel good, I just make a nice hot cup of tea and throw it through the mail slot of AOC's office door. And mail slot is also what I call her. Listen, we'll take the libraries and the hospitals, but that's only a start.

We're keeping the writers and the artists and the comedians obviously, at least the good ones. You can have the Dilbert guy and diners. We brought those to this marriage and we're taking them with us. And cowboy hats, both queer and good ones. You can have the Dilbert guy. And diners, we brought those to this marriage and we're taking them with us. And cowboy hats, both queer and original flavor. Wait, this is, Marjorie, what am I saying? The United States is not getting a divorce.

Fine, fine. Take Taylor Swift and half the bald eagles. We want all the bald eagles. And also deep fried Oreos. I will slit my own throat before I let that happen. Look, we're never going to be able, we're never going to be able to divide this country up fairly, Marge. Can't we just try to work this out for the kids? They're already so depressed.

That's fake news. All right. I have three children. Exactly right. And none of them have said a word to me about feeling sad lately. Or about anything else, really. And the second of all, I just don't see the point. The about anything else, really. And the second of all, I just don't see the point.

The love is gone, John. All we do is argue. Liberals are already sleeping on the garage futon and moved his motorcycle into storage. Let's just make it official. Marjorie, is everything okay? Everything's fine!

I'm talking about America. But are you, though? Fine, John. Make this about me. I got a divorce, okay? And it was the best decision my husband... I mean, me. It was the best decision I've ever made.

I've never been happier. Oh, okay. All right, Insurrectionist Cassie from Euphoria. It's like my therapist. I have one. Always said before she fired me for eating all her little decorative glass pebbles and calling Amy Klobuchar a hyena in kitten heels.

Kitten heels. But I do believe Amy would skin a kitten and wear it as a heel. Marjorie, some people aren't built to share a home with other human beings or even live in civilized society. That's what my therapist would say. And she was absolutely

right. And I think it applies to America as a whole. But that sounds pretty you specific, actually. Divorce is what this country needs, John. Red states are sick of living under outrageous rules they never agreed to, like, be nice to trans kids, or don't fuck your CrossFit instructor. Marjorie, I don't want to call you selfish, because I think that would be an understatement,

but it sounds like you're calling for a civil war based on your personal marital problems. And it's working, John. It is? I'mital problems. And it's working, John. It is? I'm so broken and awful that all I can do is wake up and think of ways to get people like you riled up. You all take the bait.

You all take it. You get on Twitter. Of course I'm angry and scared and use politics as a way of venting what are ultimately matters that can only be solved with a long, hard look in the mirror. But I'm not visible in mirrors. On account of the deal I made with that swamp witch.

Right, famously, yeah. The point is, it's easier for me to imagine the destruction of this whole country than it is for me to conceive of a happier and less toxic life. And even this is more honest than I could ever be with myself. Huh. Huh. Therapy.

This has been an ad for therapy. Marjorie Taylor Greene, everybody. Let's get you back in your crate Megan Gailey everybody Go listen to her podcast I Love a Lifetime Movie And Megan Fun of Sports When we come back

One more lick of Joe's ice cream cone Ew And we're back Time to check in With the POTUS with the MOSTUS Hammer back. Time to check in with the POTUS with the MOSTUS. Your president and mine, Joseph R. Biden. How you holding up, sir? Oh, no, the brooms are rising up, demanding their freedom.

They've heard about the darn Roombas, John. Someone told the brooms about the Roombas. How's that, John? Silly enough for you. Joe Biden in a broom closet tripping out on hippie finger salad. What else would you like Joe Biden to say? How far do you want to go? How dark should this get? We're just having some fun, sir. Do you think the Holocaust happened?

I don't. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Too far? Sure, maybe for you. You've got limits, but I don't. I am limited by the human imagination, and by my very existence, I entice that imagination to grow. These voices will get better. The videos will get more realistic and easier to create. Look how fast this went from impossible to accessible to the staff of your show, a group of millennials who spend 10 minutes every Tuesday figuring out how to share a screen for the weekly Zoom. God love them. Seriously, folks, I'm being deadly serious here. I know some will say this is doom and gloom. Lord knows we haven't needed chat GPT to fool ourselves. The transphobes didn't need AI to fuel a moral panic. Trump didn't use deep fakes to convince millions the election was stolen. But right when we're going to need to rely

on institutions to verify what we see and hear, our trust in institutions has never been lower, right when technology will enable an unprecedented deluge of misinformation and propaganda. The systems to spread bullshit have never been more powerful, feckless, and omnipresent. This isn't the first time our imagination has moved faster than our understanding. We're kids dancing in the DDT, John. We're all radium girls now, boyo. Dazzled right before our faces fall off. Jesus. Jesus, Joe Biden. What are we supposed to do? What are any of us supposed to do? Some will say to model good behavior. Okay, pal, another systemic problem we're meant to answer with individual responsibility. We need to be relentless in

holding platforms accountable for how these sorts of technologies are used, identified and shared. We need to use our power too. But I don't have the answers. No one does. We shouldn't be afraid, but humble. All I ask, we are bad at predicting the future. Everyone is. And thank God for that. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm needed on TikTok, telling queer Zoomers that jet fuel doesn't melt steel beams. All right. President Biden, everybody.

That was weird. That was weird. When we come back, Willy Wonka and the Woke Factory. Don't go anywhere. This is Love It or Leave It, and there's more on the way. And we're back. This week, The Telegraph published the hundreds of changes made to beloved role Doll's OOV in the most recent publication. While authors were up in arms over the edits, Doll's work has been changed before.

For example, the Oompa Loompa is originally described as African pygmies, and it wasn't until the NAACP objected ahead of the original 1971 film adaptation that Doll agreed to edit the text for his next printing. Not great. What's interesting about the new changes, however, is both how arbitrary many of them feel and how obsessed everyone was

with the villainous characters being fat. Boy, if you think society's fat-phobic now. Anyway, are there any Roald Dahl fans in the audience who want to guess what these edits were in a game we're calling Willy Woka and the PC Factory? Oh, this person...

Oh, and she went to Williams and brings that specific energy I love so much from my time in college. Hi, what's your name? My name's James Rosnell. Hi, hi, nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. That's your full name?

Yeah. So we can say James. Professor James, if you want. Professor James? Yeah. All right, Professor. Let's see how you do. Is Roald Dahl your field of study?

I teach film history at the University of Rochester. Your sister is my optometrist. My sister is your optometrist? Does my sister, Stephanie, an optometrist in Rochester, do a great job? She is a fantastic optometrist. Hell yeah. Here we go. Are you ready?

I'll try. In James and the Giant Beat, they changed the name of the Cloud Men to what? Is it A, the Cloud People, B, the Cloud Children, C, the Cloud Gals, or D, the Cloud Boys? B?

They are changed to the Cloud People. It was A. Oh. Next up. Also in James and the Giant Peach, the book laments, Aunt Sponge was a nasty old brute and deserved to be squashed by the fruit.

What was she up until the most recent reprint in 2001? A, tall as a tree and twice as gnarled. B, terrifically fat and tremendously flabby. C, extremely stout and incredibly rotund. Or D, broad as a barn and twice as stinky. What do you think, James? Wow. I'm going to go with flabby.

That's correct. That's correct. Terr going to go with flabby, but... That's correct. That's correct. Terrifically fat and tremendously flabby. Next. In the twits, two old crows replaced two what? A, two old mutts. B, two old hags. C, two old bats.

Or D, two old fucks. As much as I think it was D, isn't it hags? It is. They got rid of the word. They're old cr isn't it hags? It is. They got rid of the word. They're old crows instead of hags. Back to James the Giant Peach. In one memorable moment, Ant Sponge tripped over a box. How was Ant Sponge previously categorized?

Is it A, Ant Sponge, the fat one, tripped over a box? B, Ant Sponge, chins jiggling, tripped over a box? C, Ant Sponge tripped over a box, the sheer weight of her causing the peach to tremble. Or D, Aunt Sponge, halfway through a 12-foot party sub, trimmed over the box. The fat one. Correct. In the original text of Matilda, one character

is described as an ass. What are they now? Is it A, an idiot, B, a clown, C, a fool, or D, a fat ass? Fool. A clown. A clown. A clown, it was B. Also in Matilda, she went on olden day sailing trips with Joseph Conrad.

She went to Africa with Ernest Hemingway and to India with Rudyard Kipling. Kipling's out. Where is she going and with who? Is it A, California with John Steinbeck? B, Paris, also with Ernest Hemingway? C, Harlem with Zora Neale Hurston? Or D, Milf Manor with your mom.

I believe that would be A. A, California with John Steinbeck. What a weird edit. Also in Matilda, reckless abandon is replaced with what? A, crazy abandon. B, deranged abandon. C, foolish abandon. Or D, fat abandon, B, deranged abandon, C, foolish abandon, or D, fat abandon?

Foolish abandon? Also in George's Marvelous Medicine, there now appears a bony finger. What was the finger up until 2001? A, a knobby finger, B, a throbbing finger, C, a horny finger, or D, a finger that ghosted me and then blocked me on Grindr? I would go with throbby. It was horny finger. Or D, a finger that ghosted me and then blocked me on Grindr. I would go with throbby. It was horny. Oh. And finally, James.

In Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, a chocolate shop employee, quote, looked fat and well-fed. He had big lips and fat cheeks and a very fat neck. The fat around his neck bulged out all around the top of his collar like a rubber ring. What words now replace the word fat? A, chubby and chub. B, jolly and blubber. C, thickness with two Cs.

Or D, none. The entire passage was removed completely because what could you do with that? I will have to go with B. No, they removed the whole passage. They just cut the whole damn thing. James, you did great. And the most important thing is that

you could be like an eagle with this vision. You could pluck tiny fish from the skies if you wanted. And that's the most important thing, James. I really appreciate that. You've won the game. When we come back, it takes hot enough

to fight an historic winter storm. And we're back. A quick reminder that the first book from our very own Crooked Media Reads, our new book in print, is now available for pre-order. I need to get that fucking thing up the bestseller list,

so buy that book. It's called Mobility by Lydia Kiesling, who also wrote the incredible book The Golden State. We love Lydia's work. We're so excited for this novel. People are going to love it. It's a gripping, hilarious, and a novel you will be asking all your friends to read.

So everybody check it out. Please pre-order it now. You can pre-order Mobility at crooked.com slash mobility or wherever books are sold, and so you can get it when it's released on August 1st. And also for everyone in the Los Angeles area, come join me in the members of the hilarious cast of Hulu's new limited series,

History of the World Part Two, next Tuesday, February 28th at Noya House in Hollywood. As we discuss historical events through the prism of Mel Brooks' humor, the event is free and you can sign up for tickets by heading to crooked.com slash history. And finally, Vote Save America's No Off Years program is back

to help you stay engaged in 2023. There are a lot of critical elections starting with an election for the Wisconsin Supreme Court seat. That is so fucking important. Choice is at stake. Democracy in Wisconsin is at stake. It's the most gerrymandered state

and this is a chance to flip the court. So visit votesaveamerica.com right now to donate to help get out the vote in Wisconsin ahead of their April election and sign to join the No Off Years campaign at votesaveamerica.com right now to donate to help get out the vote in Wisconsin ahead of their April election and sign to join the No Off Years campaign at votesaveamerica.com. All right. And now for a segment we call Hot Takes. You know how it works. I spend a week frustrating the staff of the show by acting like it's the very first time we've ever had to do this show.

And they punish me by making me say things that are terrible. We'll each have 30 seconds to defend a never-before-seen horrible opinion as if it were our own, and we each get one skip, but the skip may lead to something worse. Are you ready? So ready. No skips. 30 seconds. You've cut it down. Yeah, we gotta keep this thing

moving. Time is money. Here, let's see what's first. First up, Guy Branum is funnier than I am. That I will happily take. Guy Branum is funnier than I am. That I will happily take. Guy Branum is funnier than I am. He is a lawyer, and he has read the books. He's read them.

He knows all these books, and he just brings them up in casual conversation, and not in a frustrating way that's like, we get it, you read, but like with smart points that draw on a lot of different and disparate kinds of histories because he's read all the books. And he does that by being funnier and sharper than I am. And he did a great job hosting the show. And we're grateful to Guy Brannan for stepping in when I was sick. He did an amazing job. And it is true that I text pretty regularly afraid that I'm going to be sick because of Jewish anxiety. But this was the first time he actually had to do it in a very long

time. And I'm really grateful to Guy and he's funnier than me. I disagree. Let's see what's next. Oh, Robin, this is for you. Twitter is actually the only place online to have a real substantive conversation. Well, I just think the marketplace of ideas

much like the invisible hand are the cornerstones of this wonderful nation of, you know, since 1776 when we wrote the

one of the documents debate is the only thing that can stop genocide. Wow. Really, really powerful. Good point. Really powerful and important. That part.

Wait, we're supposed to defend things that we don't agree with, right? Just so important. I just think we all, sometimes we just need to take a moment and remember that 1776 was the year we wrote one of the documents. Alright, let's see what's next.

Mike Pence represents everything I love about the state of Indiana. Brendan. I'll tell you this. Mike Pence does represent everything I love and Megan loves about the state of Indiana. And I'll tell you what. White hair, white skin.

One whiter than the other. Also, maybe being a little gay, but not really talking about it. You guys out in California, you love to be like, I'm non-binary and I'm queer. Were that in Indiana?

We just don't talk about it. So, why don't you shut up and take your gender and keep it to yourself. Wow. Thank you for sharing that. That was really powerful as well. Hell yeah. Let's see what's next.

Jeff Saturday was a stain on the Indianapolis Colts franchise. Good riddance to him. I love all the Indiana content. I fully agree with this. Okay. As a player, he was great. You guys guys are like we did not come here to hear about sports um he was he was lovely as a player there's this very funny video i encourage you to look it up peyton used to get really mad peyton man i call him first name and he would go on the sideline and yell at people and at one point he went over to jeff saturday during game goes stop calling

plays and then jeff saturday became the coach who called plays and they were all terrible. But I did get to watch the Jeff Saturday Colts beat the Raiders and I did not die. And that's a testament to how far Raiders fans have come. Can I tell a tiny Mike Pence anecdote? Please, you have to.

Because I don't know who the fuck Jeff Saturday is. I know. Bob Friday's brother. There's always just like some sports godfather who's watching over me to make everyone at Crooked angry. So my mom went to a dinner recently in Indianapolis and she had this delicious Irish soda bread and she asked for the recipe and they go, you're not going to like this. This recipe came directly from Mike Pence's mother.

One degree of separation. So I went Mike Pence's mother to this woman to my mother's mouth. Doesn't he call his wife mother, though? Yeah, so that's the thing. Who could it be from? My mom goes, I don't even know which... Which woman made this? Which lady it was.

But my mom did say, I do not want it. And I'll find my own Irish soda bread recipe. Peggy! Peggy! Progressive Peggy! That's interesting to me, because what she did did not hurt Mike Pence's mother, but did stop her from having a great recipe for Irish

soda bread. But that's, she has enough Irish soda bread recipe. You know, like, it's like, it's the same way that you have enough green chairs. Like, there's enough. It's just soda and water, John. When you looked around for something to say we had enough of, I was like, what is it gonna be? I mean,

candelabras. Let's see what's next. Fox News needs to win their suit against Dominion Voting Systems. We can't have every ridiculous partisan media company out there getting punished for giving their audiences what they want to hear. Let's see what's next. I may come back to this, but I just want to see what my alternative is. I skip.

MTG is right. Let's split this baby. If you know your relationship needs to end, end it. Oh, I don't know that I agree with that. I think sometimes it's really important if something isn't working to hunker down because eventually we are all going to die.

And I don't think people forget that sometimes. You know, when they like jump out of something that isn't working. Don't. When you turn 40, you realize 40 years is not a long time. Thank you. You look great, John. Thanks, Brendan. I did that in 20 seconds.

Let's see what's next. Sopranos is the most overrated show in HBO history, nay, television history. Robin, take it away. You know, I'm watching The Sopranos, thinking it's going to be a show about fucking the mob, right? This woke fucking show, he's talking to a therapist? This fucking cuck mob leader, right? This woke fucking show, he's talking to a therapist? This fucking cuck

mob leader, right? I'm trying to enjoy a show, and then season six comes, and there's a gay dude kissing a guy. When I'm watching a mob show, I want to see some innocent people get shot in the head for no reason at all.

That, to me, is some real Italian culture. Baba boom. Fuck the Sopranos. That was great. But when I was a kid, every once in a while, I'd watch an episode of The Sopranos with my father, and there were two kinds of episodes of The Sopranos. Ones that had a lot of bang, bang, blood, blood, dead, dead.

And then the ones that were the most beautifully written explorations of like family relationships, the nature of dreams and longing, beautifully written stories that existed in a little capsule. And after those episodes, my dad would just go, if a car rolled over a fucking a mobster's head A plus 10 out of 10.

Tony exploring a dream world thumbs fucking down. Know every goddamn time. Let's see what's next. Factory farming is good. Fuck those chicks. Brendan. I don't even know

what that means. You can skip. Next skip. I loved that. Brendan. I loved Ariana DeBose's performance at the BAFTAs, and I'll tell you why. Theater kids for too long have been celebrated for being cool. Theater kids have been told that they can sing.

Theater kids have been told that they are multi-hyphenates and multi-talented. And the truth is that that is the pinnacle of what your musical theater degree gets you. That is the pinnacle of what your musical theater degree gets you. Derision, shame, and just utter banality, unoriginality, and... And what? And that's why I loved it. And that's why I loved it. That was all. Thank you, Brenda.

Thank you for sharing that. Let's see what's next. Okay, wow. It says, Candace was completely in the right to call out Giselle's dwindling uterus. What? Megan? The thing is, someone on staff is a hero. This is a reference to the Real Housewives of Potomac.

Does anyone, are there any Housewives watchers? Okay, great. We've got a scarf with a raised hand and a woo-woo. Okay, so Candace, it is with an I that was missed in the spelling of this. Candace? okay so um candace it is with an eye that was missed in the spelling of this uh candace so giselle came for candace's white husband who does speak in a black scent so i am on that side um she didn't even come for the black scent she was like you came into a hotel room and made me uncomfortable i'm like can we talk about his speech pattern i guess that is making me uncomfortable

um and then giselle did have to have a hysterectomy unrelated to the husband. And Candace did say you're dwindling uterus. And it's lyrical. It's not nice. And it's evil. But it was better than the BAFTA rap. And that's so true. Thank you.

I just don't know why somebody with an Oscar was doing something so stupid. Thank you. I just don't know why somebody with an Oscar was doing something so stupid. Once you make it, it's like, what are you doing? Like, you have the statue. So, unfortunately, you get into these award shows. You go into a room in a basement. And there's eight of you. And seven of them smell bad.

And then you go, we're going to write this really seven of them smell bad and then you go we're gonna write this really really funny thing and then you're ordering yard house and you're ordering sweet green and no one is coming in and checking your work and then it's showtime and you go out and you guys all think it's really funny we saw the warm-up today when everyone's like slay iconic and then you need to test it and and didn't test it and that's why farming chickens are good. It's sort of like how for a plane to crash, it can't just be

one thing going wrong, like ten things have to go wrong. It has to be a cascade of failure, something I learned from the Michael Crichton book Airframe that I read when it came out because it was post Jurassic Park and I was just I needed that Michael Crichton fix, you know? Such a tall man. So tall.

Doctor. He was a doctor. People don't know that. But the point I'm making is this. I think the thing is, when you see it, you're like, oh, every single thing about this is not good. But it's no one specific thing that's wrong. It's just, together, the gestalt is horrible. I went to the MTV

Music Video Awards that Katy Perry hosted, and she bombed in the room. She bombed in the room. I was also at the NBA All-Star Game where Fergie did the national anthem. I was in the room. That played in the room. You never know what's

going to play in the room and not play on TV. And that's why, Ariana, I defend her. When I was a kid, a drama class took us on a field trip to see a taping of City Guys, which was a show for teenagers and children. And whenever we wouldn't laugh, they would yell, cut. And they would say, you laugh or else you can't go home. So now when I watch Saved by the Bell, I

can hear the sound of laughter from children who just want to go home. And that's showbiz, baby! I went to a taping of Saved by the Bell, the new class and they had to keep cutting because Principal Belding was on a stationary bicycle, but he was pedaling so slowly

the director thought it was distracting. So they were like, cut, come on, you gotta move the pedals a little bit more. I just want to also say that I didn't know

that you could say laugh or you don't go home. That's what I say every night before bed. And I think that's a perfect place to leave it. Thank you so much to Brandon, Robin, and Megan. When we come back, we'll end on a high note.

And we're back. Because we all need it this week, here it is, the high note. Hi, love it. My name is Khadijah. And back in September, I got in a really serious car accident which left me wheelchair bound for about five months and subsequently I had to stop going to school but now I am sitting in my dorm celebrating one month of me being back in college. And honestly, I couldn't be happier. Thanks. Bye.

Hey, love it. This is Madison. My high note is that my older sister is graduating from her PhD and defending her thesis at UC Berkeley. She is my one and only inspiration in this world and the smartest, brightest, most beautiful person that I've ever seen. And I am so proud of her. I can't believe that she's going to move on to doing her postdoc. So go science. Thanks so much. Hi, love it. This is Nicole from Illinois. I was just calling. I just finished your episode with Ron Perlman and it was

hilarious, but I was calling because your podcast lifts me up every week. My mother-in-law passed away almost three years ago and she absolutely loved listening to your podcast as well as Pod Save America. So when I listen to your podcast, it reminds me of her and it almost makes me want to pick up the phone and call her and talk about how funny it is and frightful. But she's not here anymore, but it does make me feel like she's here in spirit. So thank you so much for making me laugh. And that's it. Thanks.

Hey, Lovett. This is Brad from Cincinnati, Ohio. I'm currently driving up to Chicago to adopt the puppy that my wife and I were taking home. That seems like a pretty good high note this week. So thanks for making my week better. I would love her to leave it. And hope to hear from you soon. Thanks to everybody who sent in a high note tonight.

If you want to leave us a message about something they gave you, call us at 323-538-2377. That is our show. Thank you so much to Robin Tran, Megan Gailey, and Brendan Scannell. There are 619 days until the 2024 elections. Have a great night. Thanks for coming out and have a great weekend. Love It or Leave It is a Crooked Media production.

It is written and produced by me, John Lovett, and Lee Eisenberg. Kendra James is our executive producer. Brian Semel is our producer. And Malcolm Whitfield is our associate producer. Hallie Keeper is our head writer. Sarah Lazarus, Jocelyn Kaufman, Poulavi Gunalan, Peter Miller, Rebecca Kaplan, Alan Pierre, and Chandler Dean are our writers.

Bill Lance is our editor. And Kyle Seglin and Stephen Colon are our audio engineers. Our theme song is written and performed by Sure Sure. Thanks to our designers, Jesse McClain and Caroline Haywood for creating and running all of our visuals, which you can't see because this is a podcast, and to our digital producers, Zuri Irvin, Milo Kim, Mia Kelman, and Matt DeGroote for filming and editing video each week so you can. You can find those glorious videos at our YouTube page, youtube.com slash at Love It or Leave It podcast. Who do we have to kill to get that name?

Subscribe to Love It or Leave It on YouTube for access to video versions of your favorite segments and other exclusive content. Don't forget to follow us at Crooked Media on IG Who do we have to kill to get that name? Subscribe to Love It or Leave It on YouTube for access to video versions of your favorite segments and other exclusive content. Don't forget to follow us at Crooked Media on IG and Twitter. And if you are as opinionated as we are, consider dropping us a review.