Lovett or Leave It - Jonathan Groff's Rude Awakening

Episode Date: April 30, 2022

Lovett or Leave It joins the Netflix Is A Joke festival this week, but the show couldn’t be more serious, as Ashley Ray helps us figure out what is going on with the allies in a new edition of Gay News. House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy (Matt Walsh, of Second in Command) stops by to discuss coup-life balance, and Paul F. Tompkins provides back-up for Dick Wolf’s latest, Law & Order: Election Police. Lovett tries desperately to defend his dogelord and savior, Elon Musk, while the Rant Wheel spins, casting its all-seeing eye on the craven and undeserving. We’re looking at you, Abercrombie & Fitch and crunchy peanut butter.For a closed-captioned version of this episode, go to crooked.com Lovett or Leave It. For a transcript of this episode, please email [e-mail] and include the name of the podcast. 

Good evening, Los Angeles. Welcome to Love It or Leave It, live or else, where we're getting to the bottom of the Madison Cawthorn story, and then we're going to find out what happened. This week's show is part of the Netflix is a Joke Festival, but I'll tell you what's no joke. Password sharing. It's disgusting. We've got a great show for you tonight.

Ashley Ray is here for some gay news. Matt Walsh and Paul F. Tompkins proved me wrong about my absolutely correct opinions about Elon Musk, who is a genius. Kevin McCarthy is actually in the building, but something seems a little off. And the election police are also here, and I'll say to them

what Megan Fox said on Ayahuasca to a tree she thought was Machine Gun Kelly. Nothing you do is real. Then we'll all cool down with the rant wheel. But first, let's get into it. What a week. After Politico unearthed, we have to start with this, photos of him in women's lingerie,

Madison Cawthorn dismissed the pictures as part of a game he played. I guess the left thinks goofy vacation photos during a game on a cruise, taken way before I ran for Congress, is going to hurt me, he tweeted. Let's show the photos. First of all, I want you to know something. I did some genuine reporting, and I figured out where the word quest came from. And bad news, it's from a Royal Caribbean cruise.

It actually is. It is a adults only late night scavenger hunt game for after the kids go to bed. In other words, like the worst possible least fun explanation. He should have kept the bra

though. It's not like he's getting any support from Republican leaders. Anyway, these vacation photos aren't nearly as damning as the ones he took at Hitler's house. Because my man loves a limelight. Madison Cawthorn was cited this week for having a gun at the Charlotte Douglas International Airport, echoing a previous incident in February of 2021 when TSA at Asheville Regional Airport

found a gun in his carry-on. This time he forgot he had a small derringer tucked into his bra like an Old West saloon whore who knows how to take care of herself and her girls. I want you to know something. We had a vigorous debate as to whether or not I could say whore. Don't answer.

It's not for you or any one of us individually to decide. It's up to Elon now. Also on Tuesday, the Washington Examiner reported that Cawthorn may have committed insider trading when he promoted the Let's Go Brandon cryptocurrency in December. And that was it. That was when I was done. That's when I no longer could. Imagine if that was the line.

And then today, nary a few hours ago, the Daily Mail published a video. I mean, they are just taking out the fucking trash on this guy. Those cocaine orgies are so real. How dare you make something like that up? Destroy him. Everything we've got. Open the barrels. The nuke

submarines. Everything. Everything we've got. The Daily Mail published a video of Madison Cawthorn flirting with an aide. If you feel a passion and desire, I would like to see your naked body beneath my hands. Me too. I, yeah.

So here's the thing. I don't know what's going on there. We don't know what's going on there. It's weird. He's doing a character. The video ends abruptly. It all feels like being gay is a joke, but beneath the irony and the layers of homophobia

and the humor and the comedy of two men touching each other, that's some gay shit. You know how you can't ironically eat something? Anyway, we here at Love It or Leave It have said from the jump that Madison Cawthorne is a cry for help on wheels, and we will continue to watch this space. We had a discussion about that one as well. In a private meeting with House Democrats,

President Biden signaled that he's considering canceling student loans. Biden reportedly said it would depend on whether America can be a good girl, and he cracked a whip against the resolute desk. considering canceling student loans. Biden reportedly said it would depend on whether America can be a good girl, and he cracked a whip against the resolute desk. Also this week, the Biden administration announced a series of initiatives to get more people to use the breakthrough COVID treatment Paxlovid. If you want to pitch in, step one is to get COVID. Disney's self-governing area, the Reedy Creek Improvement District, told its investors that Ron DeSantis in the state of Florida

actually cannot legally dissolve the area's self-governing area, the Reedy Creek Improvement District, told its investors that Ron DeSantis in the state of Florida actually cannot legally dissolve the area's self-governance without paying off its debts and that it plans to conduct business as usual in the meantime. Disney just patted Ron DeSantis on the head and said, you're doing great, sweetie. I love this kind of thing where it's like, oh, there's politics and there's noise. They dissolved it. They passed it. It's all really happening. Nothing happens until a group of lawyers who don't give a fuck read something very old and sit around a table and say, no, no. Oh, you passed a law?

This is America. We have a contract. You can't tell Disney what's going on. They're Disney. Oh, you passed a law? No. I think that's cool. Sometimes it's cool. Too much power.

Why do they have a self-governing zone? The fuck? No thank you? I don't want those people in charge of a government. No heroes in that story. Meanwhile, a California lawmaker is saying police in Santa Ana have been playing copyrighted music loudly to prevent videos of their conduct

from circulating online. This is an example of something known as the Streisand effect, named for the time Barbara Streisand beat up a protester. Russian security forces revealed photos from an alleged bust of a Ukrainian neo-Nazi assassination attempt. You can see the photo here.

One problem. For some reason, in addition to Nazi stuff, there are three visible copies in the photo of the Sims. As in the video game The Sims. This led some to believe that not only was the photo staged, but whoever put together the tableau was told to buy three Sims, as in SIM cards, and bought three copies of the game instead. Help, said one virtual resident of Magnolia Promenade. The Nazis haven't fed us in days.

I know they weren't real Nazis, but we feel real things in here. I have a family, but they never gave us names. If you are my God, who's your God? Poor Sims. Donald Trump said in a sworn deposition that he feared protesters could fling very dangerous fruit at him at events, listing examples like pineapples, tomatoes, bananas, stuff like that, and noting you can get killed with those things. Two points. First of all, Trump,

being afraid of fruit is why you're flushing 14 times. Fruit's your friend. Second, if you want to see a dangerous fruit, spoil Drag Race again for me. Second, if you want to see a dangerous fruit, spoil Drag Race again for me. Speaking of, in a new CNN report on January 6th, texts from Marjorie Taylor Greene to Trump Chief of Staff Mark Meadows show the congresswoman begging him to get Trump to calm people

as his supporters breach the Capitol. Please tell the president to calm people. This isn't the way to solve anything. Greene has a unique perspective on what does and does not solve problems as one of America's foremost problems. However, Greene also insisted to Meadows that the people storming the Capitol were, you guessed it, Antifa in disguise. Mark, we don't think these attackers are our people, she wrote.

We think they are Antifa dressed like Trump supporters. So, tell the president to undress the rioters who were actually Antifa, but were there to disrupt the certification of Biden's victory, but who will listen to Trump if he gives them instructions. They came up. You see, what's interesting about these texts is they're coming up with lies on the fly. I heard they were Antifa. Someone said they're Antifa. They're Antifa. Crazy idea. We should say they're coming up with lies on the fly. I heard they were Antifa. Someone said they're Antifa. They're Antifa. Crazy idea. We should say they're Antifa. The lies happen in the text chain.

It's cool. Eleven days later, Green told Meadows he should talk to Trump about the possibility of declaring martial law, which Green spelled like the discount department store Marshalls. Green spelled like the discount department store marshals. Absolute chaos. Every person for themselves. People screaming and grabbing supplies until the shelves are bare. Maybe she didn't misspell it at all. Mike Lindell, the MyPillow guy, also got in the mix,

texting Mark Meadows about the algorithm of the corrupt machines. The algorithm of the corrupt machines is also what Biden calls it when he can't turn off his iPhone flashlight. Meta will open its first physical retail store next month in California where customers will be able to try out its virtual and augmented reality devices. What happens if they try to leave without buying anything? Mark asked in a senior staff meeting last week. Nothing, sir. They can just leave. Interesting.

Then there were ten seconds of silence, and the meeting moved on to how to get teen girls to click on more beauty tips. These kids aren't staying enough on these gua sha tutorials. They're asking questions like, can this be real? And no one knows. One person applauded.

Gua Sha tutorials. Can I just applaud if you've seen a Gua Sha tutorial? Applaud if you bought them immediately. Applaud if it's working. Okay. A visitor to olympic state park had to be rescued by firefighters after she fell into the park's outhouse while trying to retrieve her drop cell phone listen if i fall into a park outhouse and have to have firefighters rescue me from a vat of human shit you all do me a favor and make sure they send the homeliest firefighters that they have just

they must it has to be absolute trolls i will not be rescued by hot people a florida bride and her caterer have been arrested for serving marijuana-laced food to unwitting wedding guests. One wedding guest, after finding out she'd been given edibles, became terrified, went to her car to try to sleep, but first texted herself an explanation of what happened in case she died. Anyway, crossing this back onto my list of ideas for the wedding planner.

Megan Fox says she and Machine Gun Kelly consume each other's blood on occasion for ritual purposes only. No, they don't. That's it. They just don't. And finally, They just don't. And finally, Alan Cumming is offering $10,000 to find his former co-star

in the 1997 movie Buddy, a chimpanzee named Tonka, who was last seen at a now-defunct breeding facility in Missouri. Missouri? Missouri? Devastatingly, no one is searching for the remains of Alf.

Think about the fact that you ooed harder for a puppet because you imagined the puppet being dead than for the real gorilla in the setup. Think about that. That's how you get Trump. When we come back, the House Minority leader is here.

And we're back. Kevin McCarthy continues to bathe in the hottest of waters this week as the New York Times leaks more audio, impossibly, from January 6th, revealing the truth behind the House minority leader's unflagging public defense and continual downplaying of Trump's role in the insurrection. Truth is, in private, Kevin McCarthy was scared as shitless as the rest of us and continued to be long after the last Trump supporter was dragged from the Capitol. Joining us now in an absolutely shocking get for the Love It or Leave It team, it's the House Minority Leader himself, Kevin McCarthy. Please welcome Leader McCarthy. There he is. Thank you so much for joining us, Congressman.

I'm going to be honest. I was completely stunned you're willing to come on and talk to us about the leaked audio. Leaked audio? I don't know what in the Christ you're talking about, John. I'm here to talk about the importance of having a private life and a public life, and keeping them very separate. Really? You mean like work-life balance? I personally have no idea how to achieve work-life balance. The closest I've come is accidentally taking a power nap on the sofa in my office,

but then everyone can see me through the window and the door, and it's like, is that going to be in a tell-all? You know, I don't know. Do I make people watch me sleep? Is that allowed? What are the rules anymore? You know what I mean? Well, no. I'm talking about how to keep who you are in private behind closed doors relatively, completely, and totally distinct from who you are in public when people can see and hear you.

Which is why I came here to talk about a wonderful, revolutionary science now available from an amazing startup called Luman. Wait, Luman? The company from the Apple TV show Separance? I don't watch streamers, John. I watch television delivered to me through a thick, strong cable, just an anaconda of television penetrating

my walls, coiling around my heart of my home. This is all starting to make sense. Tell me, Congressman, did you have the procedure that completely severs your identity in half, creating an innie and an outie like in the show? I sure did, John, and I've never felt better. Wow, that seems really dangerous for an elected

official. Oh, come on, John. Don't you ever disassociate? Well, I did look up yesterday and realized I'd been sitting motionless on the toilet for 45 minutes watching TikTok. Well, this is the exact same thing. I disassociate between 8 to 10 hours every day.

And I sleep like a baby, screaming, crying, laying on my back so I don't suffocate in my little blanket. But hey, at least I get some sleep. Wow, okay, so you honestly don't remember saying about Donald Trump, and this is strong language, so forgive me, listeners at home,

I've had it with this guy. You don't recall saying that you would advise Trump to resign? Say what, John? Come on, John, you know me. I wouldn't have said whatever it is you're saying I said. I wouldn't. I mean, you said the only discussion I would have with him, as in Trump, is that I think this will pass

and it would be my recommendation that you should resign. Uh, John, I don't think so. I mean, does that sound like something I'd say? But you did say it. You did say it. There's audio of you saying it. Everyone in America heard you say it. Uh, no, no, that's not possible, John.

It's not possible. Do you remember being concerned that Trump and the GOP could potentially be culpable for future violence? If you don't, we have the clip right here. Tension is too high. The country is too crazy. I do not want to look back and think we caused something or we missed something and someone got hurt. I don't want to play politics with any of that. Do you remember saying that? Okay, I definitely never said that, John. I love stoking tension. I love stoking tension, you know?

And I love going home at 5 p.m., eating a big bowl of honeydew and not thinking about all the bone-chilling compromises I made during the day. That's my life, and it's so relaxing. I mean, that doesn't sound like the same Kevin McCarthy who, in the aftermath of the Capitol riot, warned his Republican colleagues that Matt Gaetz

should shut up or else he could endanger people with his violent rhetoric. I 100% didn't say that. No way. Absolutely not. Okay, maybe you didn't. We actually don't have a recording of that. You don't?

Really? Of course we have it. Play the audio. Well, he's putting people in jeopardy. And he doesn't need to be doing this. We saw what people would do in the Capitol. And these people came prepared with rope, with everything else. These people came prepared with rope, with everything else. These people came prepared with a rope and everything else.

No, no, no, no, no. No part of me would say that, John. Honestly, not even my neck, which the part was, you know, I assume the most worried on January 6th due to all the hanging imagery and equipment circulating around there. You remember? I do remember. I mean, like, I think we've had just enough of Leader McCarthy. It's time to meet Kevin M. Brian, bring out the box. Oh, this is Brian. Thank you, Brian. Wait, wait.

Is that a lie detector? I hate those. I mean, I love those. I'd pass a lie detector with flying colors. I'm not afraid of that box. No, this is a device to introduce us to your innie, the private version of you that you have forgotten. No, no, no, no, not in front of this crowd of libs.

Please, no. No, anything but... Good evening, Jonathan. Pleasure to see you and all these educated, wonderful America's people. Los Angeles is America's greatest city, a cosmopolitan oasis, every color and gender living in harmony.

I love L.A. Cities are the real heart of America. I have to be honest, it's kind of odd to hear that from you. Is it, Jonathan? Perhaps I was listening to Ezra Klein's podcast the other day. Fascinating discussion on this very same question. The urban-rural divide. Have you listened to his Ukraine episodes?

Listen, man, I got other guests. Have you read Fleischman? Fleischman is in trouble? My God, it's fabulous. What's happening? I realized before my procedure, you know, which was conducted by Jim Jordan in the parking lot of a Frosty King outside of Bakersfield, I screamed at the top of my lungs. But I realized I was

miserable. Because the person you are talking to right now, I didn't stop a thing. I didn't change anything. I just created guilt and shame and who needs that? Now I tell the truth in private where it can't hurt my career. And I get to be the leader Republicans need, by the way, without the horrible dread that consumed me most nights. Judge me by my actions, Jonathan. I'm not on these tapes. I'm out there protecting criminals and maniacs and letting the world burn.

Now, how about you be a sweetheart and just flip that switch back? Oh, by the way, I love the squirt. Oh! Frosty King, Trump train 2024! Kevin McCarthy, everybody. Get out of here. God help him. Trump train. Come on. Chugga chugga, Trump train 2024. Oh, man. Kevin McCarthy, everybody. Get out of here. Chugga chugga Trump train.

Come on. Chugga chugga Trump train. Get out of here, Leader McCarthy, you scoundrel. Guys, give it up for Matt Walsh. You can see him in Unplugging, opening April 29th, and his CW show, Would I Lie to You, premiering April 9th. When we come back, gay news.

Hey, don't go anywhere. There's more of Love It or Leave It coming up. And we're back. Pride Month will be here sooner than you think, and in anticipation, the allies are acting particularly uninhibited. Here to help me out with light and love are the straights okay? With a round of gay news, the allies are acting particularly uninhibited. Here to help me out with light and love

are the straights okay with a round of gay news. It's the wonderful, talented Ashley Rae. Are you ready? Yes. So it's time for gay news. Here we go.

Ba-da-ba-ba-da-ba-da-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba gay news. Supernatural star Misha Collins clarified that he is straight after seemingly coming out as bi during a recent panel. Said Collins, this was not my intention, so I need to correct the record. I am

not bisexual. I happen to be straight, but I am also a fierce ally, and the last thing I want to do is falsely co-op the struggles of the LGBTQIA plus community. Honestly, faking being bi is the gayest thing you can do. There is nothing more dramatic than queerbaiting

for three days and acting like you're setting back the movement. Yes. Celebrities are publicly apologizing for being straight. We did it, everyone. Buh-duh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah- Nah-nah- Nah- Nah- Nah- Nah- Nah- Nah- Nah- Nah- Nah- Nah- Nah- Nah- Nah- Nah- Nah- Nah- Nah- Nah- Nah- Nah- Nah- Nah- Nah- Nah- Nah- Nah- Nah- Nah- Nah- Nah- Nah- Nah- Nah- Nah- Nah- Nah- Nah- Nah- Nah- Nah- Nah- Nah- Nah- Nah- Nah- Nah- Nah- Nah- Nah- Nah- Nah- Nah- Nah- Nah- Nah- Nah- Nah- Nah- Nah- Nah- Nah- Nah- Nah- Nah- Nah- Nah- Nah- Nah- Nah- Nah- Nah- Nah- Nah- Nah- Nah- Nah- Nah- Nah- Nah- Nah- Nah Disney has so far refused Saudi Arabia's demand that they cut a 12-second clip referencing a character's lesbian moms from Doctor Strange and the Multiverse of Madness. When asked to comment, Saudi Arabia said, no, no, it's not that they're lesbians. It's that if they have two moms, how could they be driven to school?

What? What? They're anti-gay and anti-woman. That's the whole deal. Yeah. Ba-ba-da-ba-da-baay and anti-woman. That's the whole deal. Yeah. Ba-ba-da-ba-da-ba-da, gay news. In an interview with Better Homes and Gardens, Harry Styles spoke about refusing to clarify his sexuality to the press after drawing attention for wearing dresses and waving pride flags,

calling the expectation outdated. As in, I could be out and have dated, but I'll never tell. Then he winked and threw some glitter before roller skating away. I, for one, think everyone has the right to remain closeted, especially straight people. Gay news. Hulu released the first trailer for Joel Kim Booster's rom-com Fire Island, and depending on whether they caught my parking at the premiere, I think you may be soon hearing a John Lovett rave.

Gay news. Tyra Banks is executive producing the teen drag series Generation Drag for Discovery+. Sure, contestants on America's Next Top Model walked away scarred and traumatized, but they were all over 18. Kids are resilient. Buh-duh-buh-duh-buh-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba- A bisexual senior graduating from Brigham Young University opened her commencement robe while accepting her diploma on stage,

revealing the rainbow flag she had stitched inside. Congrats to this senior on both her bravery and on finding the rare scenario when opening your robe unexpectedly in public is a cool thing to do. Bada-bada-bada-day news. Lady Gaga teased her new song, Hold My Hand, from the upcoming film Top Gun Maverick, calling it a love letter to the world during and after a very hard time.

Which semi-present octogenarian is she employing as her collaborator? Oh, God, it's Dianne Feinstein. Bop, bop, bop, gay news. And finally, while looking back at her time starring in Spring Awakening with friend Jonathan Groff, Lea Michele recalled, he was like, I've never seen a woman's vagina before. Would you show me? And I was like, sure. And I took a desk lamp and showed him.

That's how close we are. Ha ha. I, too, know that a vagina looks like a desk lamp. You got the button and then the tube. Yes. Not to undermine the gesture, but I do think the likelihood of a female friend offering to show you their vagina

as an act of ally solidarity goes up when you walk around looking like Jonathan Groff. Like, I think some small part of her had to be like, this has got to work. Oh, and in case there are any, like, young gays in the audience who don't understand, a desk lamp is like a ring light, but for your files. Truly, what a beautiful act of friendship.

And we have footage from the reveal. It's the Indiana Jones Nazi skull melting. Ba-da-ba-ba-da-ba-da-ba-ba-ba-ba-gay news. Thank you so much, Ashley. Listen to her podcast, TV I Say. She'll be back. And when we come back, hide your harvested ballots.

It's the election police. Thanks, Ashley. That was great. And we're back. Please welcome to the stage, Paul F. Tompkins. Come on in. I will. Hi, Paul. John, hello.

Good to see you. Good to see you, too. Love that bow tie. Thank you. Love the color combination. I thought I was waiting to see if that was a skirt or a skort. It's just a full-on skirt. Okay.

I'll tell you. We are flying with Adonet. You're saying that people who wear skorts are cowards. I do think skorts are for cowards. Famously. Especially female tennis players. The world's great cowards. History will be the judge.

Who's that director who said something funny about that guy and then got cocky and then said something about Serena and then realized she fucked up? Jane Campion. Yep. Never insult female tennis players. Cut all this.

Protect us. players. Cut all this. Protect us. This week, Florida Governor Ron DeSantis stopped throwing knives at a picture of Vicky Mouse just long enough to sign a new law, creating an unprecedented election police force. DeSantis is working

quickly to turn Florida into a fascist wonderland, but it'll never match the turnaround time of executive producer Dick Wolf. We just got our hands on the promos for a new series inspired by the bill, and Paul F. Tompkins is here to help me give you a little taste, a turn of phrase, which, now that I've read it out loud,

should be the basis for an episode of SVU. Until then, let Love It or Leave It bring you Law & Order Election Crimes Unit. Sick. Well, looks like we got another cold-blooded election criminal on our hands. My God, look at the signature on that voter roll. It's a massacre. It almost made me throw up.

That first name was smudged beyond all recognition. Only a psychopath who gets off on voter fraud would sign their name like that, or a normal person who's left-handed, I guess. You ever met a normal left-handed person? I didn't think so! I also hate Gen Z, so if we could find a few of those little bastards doing something weird,

we can wrap this up in time to watch American Song Contest. Oh, my God, you see this shit? Unusually high voter turnout, all voting for Biden? There's only one explanation. Antifa. Antifa, yeah. Antifa.

I was going to say that, too. It's probably Antifa, definitely. At the same time as you did. We almost said it together. I was thinking the same thing. It's almost a classic jinx. God, they make me want to puke. I hear they've been bsing people in to vote

just like Massachusetts was doing in New Hampshire according to Trump. That's why you've been hanging out at the bus station because of voter fraud, not right partner. You know what? Yeah, that's why. Okay. God, I love a steak out. Hot coffee,

cold steel, soft donut. We're gonna sit here until we find out what's in those suitcases. We're not gonna let these commie pollsters sneak in with bagged stuff with fake ballots like Hannity said they did during the election. He said it on the news, man!

Hey, partner, sorry. The resort says we can't use our binoculars in the lobby because we're scaring children, some of whom might be trans. It's none of our business. But we will publicly support it if we are absolutely forced to. Well, I'll say it. That makes me want to puke. Did you see this? A Facebook post says 30,000 fake ballots were uncovered in the Georgia election. It's only a matter of time before they bring it down over the border.

You read that on Facebook? That most sacred of platforms? My God, just the idea of it makes me want to puke. Hey, man, it's none of my business, but have you ever talked to your doctor about how often you feel like you're going to puke? The doctor? Why don't I go ahead and ask Karl Marx

why I constantly feel like I'm going to puke? Not on my watch. I want your badge and gun on my desk tomorrow morning. Can I turn it in on Monday? I've got some cool stuff planned. Oh, no, sure. Yeah, no worries. I'm sorry, I thought about that Facebook post again. Oh, my God, you've been shot! Yeah, my dog got a hold of my gun. That's kind of a white lie.

I put the gun in his paw for a funny meme and he shot me in the upper ass. I need you to take this case over to the finish line, partner. It's our first actual case of voter fraud. My source found out one man was registered to vote in three states. Holy shit. Yeah, yeah. The purpose, let me just see here.

Trump's former chief of staff, Mark Meadows. Okay, sorry, no, you can just go ahead and let me die then. I promise to avenge your legacy of uncovering fake voter fraud, Paul F. Tompkins. Thank you. But whatever you do, please, just promise me... Okay, here it comes. Hand me that puke bucket, please. Law & Order, election crimes unit.

Watch it after this week's American Song Contest right here on NBC. We're back. I love being right. Thank you to Paul F. Tompkins. Catch Paul's show Varietopia at the Lodge Room on Sunday, May 29th. Makes me want to puke. Paul F.

Tompkins. Don't go anywhere. This is Love It or Leave It and there's more on the way. And we're back. Listen, I said some things on Twitter this week that I can't take back. I'm sorry, I meant to say won't take back because I am 1000% right about our modern Edison, our South African Benjamin Franklin, the titan of Tesla, the sultan of SpaceX, the auteur out of Austin, the sovereign of social media.

That's right. I'm talking about Elon Musk. Here to talk me down from ruining my brand, if that's possible. It's tonight's wonderful guests, Paula F. Tompkins, Ashley Ray, and Matt Walsh. They're all back. Come on out, everybody.

Papa squat, you know. Listen, about Elon Musk. I know the fact that he just bought Twitter for $44 billion and a deal experts are now saying you could easily walk away from and why wouldn't he? He got what we all needed out of it, attention. However, there is still some part of me, a part of me I'm here to refer to as the little stinker.

The aspect of my id that has to defend him. So we're going to hash out the truth of Elon Musk and we're going to talk about his pros and cons in a segment we're calling, listen. I want everyone here to know something. This segment grew out of a conversation in which I was pelted with insults and laughed at by several people as I defiantly said, Elon Musk is a genius. So I have pros, you all have cons, and we're going to see how this goes. Elon Musk, pro.

In 2012, Elon Musk took the Giving Pledge, which means he pledged to donate the majority of his wealth in his lifetime or in his will. Yeah, he's not going to do that. Yeah. In fact, he hasn't. Yeah, he hasn't done anything. He won't do anything. I think

that's true of most billionaires. And it's like a pledge is such an old-fashioned medieval idea. It's like, dependent upon a person's honor or whatever, he's not going to do that. Not at all. And I'm also pretty sure in 2019 he said he'd give all that money to Grimes

and her next album. He's only given 1% of his net worth to charitable causes. Well, that's not enough. Bro, Elon is using the earth displaced by his boring tunneling company to create cheap and durable, boring bricks to be used for affordable housing. Yeah, those bricks do not seem to have hit the market.

And seemingly, they have no plan to hit the market. Also, I don't think that Elon Musk knows what materials would make a house. And what is the purpose of boring? They're drilling holes to do what exactly? Listen, tunnels. To do what? They're drilling tons of holes in the earth to do what?

I just want to know. Open your mind. I just want to know. Okay, mind. I just want to know. Okay, okay. It is a very complicated idea. He's a genius. But take a train. You know, you're familiar with a train.

And then you put it in a tunnel underground. And flood it or something? No, no. You just put it in a tunnel underground. So it moves. So it moves like up and down like an elevator. I don't know. No, no.

It's just like a... He's a genius. He's a genius. Here's the thing. There's a lot of people out there who said underground trains were only theoretical. Exactly. Who said that?

It's called the subway. You're thinking small. People who are saying things like there's already a subway. But have you considered what if the tunnels were smaller and could only fit Teslas and were useless? Have you considered that? What if you sucked all the air out of the tunnel? So if you literally just touched the wall,

if you just touched the wall by mistake, you're dead. What if traffic but more? Yeah. And then what if you took a car that was notorious for exploding and you put it in that tunnel? I like, he's a genius, and I like my

Tesla. I like it. And obviously I didn't know he was going to go on Joe Rogan and interact with Cernovich when I got it. I didn't know what his next move was going to be. I was like, I don't know. He's an electric car space guy. I think this car is pretty cool. Next thing

I know, he's fucking all right. But I still like it because you can turn on the air from the app. Yeah. A lot of cars, you can do that. A lot of cars, you can turn on your air conditioning with your key fob. It takes a genius to be third. I don't know.

Think about it. Okay, hold on a second. Hold on a second. SpaceX. Alright? I like SpaceX. You like the idea of SpaceX? I like what he's done with SpaceX. What has he done with it?

He got the government prize. He did it. He secured money. He got the government prize. He did it. The government prize. He secured money. He won the race. I admire him for acquiring more money. Can I tell you a story? This is a real story. I was invited to a fancy LA dinner party once.

I did not make the second dinner. And I was sitting next to Elon Musk. I was. This is real. And no one could get anything going with Elon Musk. And was. This is real. And no one could get anything going with Elon Musk. And so finally I turned to him and I was like, tell me about the rockets.

And he lit up like a little boy. And then he talked about the rockets taking off and landing and he took out a phone and he showed me. He said, we're going to have rockets that take off

and land on their butts. And then he fucking did it. He did it. He did it. He did it. I agree with you. Bro. Bro. Elon's cool. He did it. He did it. I agree with you. Bro, bro, Elon's cool.

Bro, bro, Elon's cool. Join with me. I met one of the Winklevosses at a dinner once. How do you know which one? I don't know which one, but he was big on Bitcoin and I was trying to understand it. It was like ten years ago. Maybe it was both of them and they just kind of divided and conquered. They were like going in and out of the room.

Oh god, Matt Walsh is out there. I can't take much more of this. You go, you go, you go, you go. Talk about Bitcoin. Maybe it'll go away. Bro! Elon created the tech that made PayPal possible with his online bank X.com, which merged

to create the company we now know as PayPal in the year 2000. But I mean, that wasn't that hard. Yeah. That's boring. That's boring. Real boring. That's not that hard to figure out.

That's actually boring. It's not hard to figure out. You're giving your bank information to a third-hand website. Yeah. Like, that's not. Sorry, I think somebody would have figured out spending money on the internet. We would have gotten there. Sorry, Elon.

Also, I just want to say I also have a dinner story with Elon. I was sitting next to him. Oh, and then we'll go around the internet. We would have gotten there. Sorry, Elon. Also, I just want to say, I also have a dinner story with Elon. I was sitting next to him. Oh, and then we'll go around the table. Yeah, yeah. I don't have one. Yeah, yeah. I have my best friend.

Actually, for me, he got very excited because I had a Rick and Morty tattoo, and then he spent 15 minutes showing me Pickle Rick. Con. I call that a fucking pro. That is 100% a pro.

That is absolutely a con. That is a pro, people. Absolutely a con. We are delighted by Elon Musk. That's a pro. That's a fucking pro. Matt is on my side. That makes me like him.

I want him back. You like when people walk up to you and they start doing ass pennies? No, but I mean, he liked something common and seemingly he was nice to her. But then he did it back to her. Yeah, he's like,

why is he watching Rick and Morty? What was your general experience after that interaction? I made it up. That it back to her. Yeah, he's like, why is he watching Rick and Morty? What was your general experience after that interaction? I made it up. That didn't really happen. Oh, wait a minute! Matt, please. Wait a minute!

I just got dunked on by Ashley. Fucking twist! I don't want to introduce you to the wonder that is improv comedy, but thank you. Bro! I should have bought Bitcoin. Bro, eventually people understand

how to open the Tesla door once you've explained it a couple times. It eventually becomes intuitive. Bro, I think it's great that you can't open the glove box without touching a button on a screen. It's two menus deep, and I think that's cool. The con about those handles is, in the wintertime, if you live in a place where it gets cold,

you can't open your car door. I think that rules. Pro, pro, move to California. Also, who needs gullwing doors on a minivan? Why do you need doors to open like that? Because then you can't park in a narrow space because you can't open the door practically. Hey, pro, I think it's cool that that car was designed

by someone who does not like or interact with his own children. True. Genius. I would say, Khan, anytime I get into an Uber driver's car and they have a Tesla, I feel bad for them. What went wrong

in your life? Nothing. It's fun and awesome. They were hoping that Tesla would be driving them to somewhere more interesting. More interesting. And now they're just picking me up to drive me to a dispensary.

Like, come on, what are we doing here? Well, he's probably thinking, why doesn't she get the stuff delivered? Yeah. Yeah.

Buy someone in a Tesla. That's right. Uber Eats. Uber Eats. Yeah. Pro. I don't have to go to the gas station anymore.

You can get that with... You can do that with a Kia Niro. You can do that with a Chevy Bolt. There's a million cheaper, simpler cars to do that. To not go to the gas station. That has zero ties to Elon Musk. Also, did you know Tesla charging ports

are powered by whatever the local energy source is? So in West Virginia, for example, Teslas are essentially powered by coal. Coal. The energy villain. Yeah. How does that feel? Pro. I got a blue one.

All right. Well, I think we've all learned a lot here. That's, listen. Is Elon Musk a genius? No. Thank you. You know what? No one's talking enough about how brave I was to do this.

It's very true. Yes. It's very true. Yes. Here's my real position. Here's my real position. I think the same about Elon Musk when I see his tweets as I think about Ben Carson when I saw him exist.

Right. Which is, when I see Ben tweets as I think about Ben Carson when I saw him exist. Right. Which is, when I see Ben Carson in the world, I think, oh, being a brain surgeon is easier than I thought. Exactly. Yeah.

I mean, it helps if you're the child of an emerald miner. Yeah. Look, I'm not saying that. You're the child of literal apartheid.

Diamonds, okay. Yeah. Blood diamonds in South Africa. I'm not saying you didn't have a little bit of a, you know, jump start. When we come back, I've lost you all completely.

When we come back, the rant wheel. Now it's time for a segment we call housekeeping. Love It or Leave It shows are back at Dynasty Typewriter in Koreatown. For tickets and more information, head to cricket.com slash events. We're going to be here all the time. Come say hi. Come say hi. And you can get tickets for our Chicago show and our St. Paul show and our Boston show all at cricket.com slash events.

Some of those shows are getting pretty close to sold out. Not Chicago. Buy Chicago tickets. Hey, hey, Chicago, shape up. If it helps, I'm on the Chicago show. Ashley's on the Chicago show. And it does help. Yeah.

It can only help. I had to go back to my hometown, buy tickets. Now it's time for the Rat Wheel. You know how it works. We spin the wheel wherever it lands. We ran about the topic. This week on the wheel, we have the parking lot at my gym. Olivia Wilde

being served custody papers in public, selling Sunset, weed stores that look like Apple stores, the Kardashians, Abercrombie & Fitch, over-the-top public apologies, and crunchy peanut butter. Let's spin The Wheel.

It's exciting. Nervous. Yeah. It has landed on the Kardashians, which I believe Matt's suggesting. Well, I happen to watch it. And I never watch it, but I watched it for your show, John, just because I love you. Thank you. They're sort of like these vampires.

It works perfectly during COVID because everyone's serving them food and building them houses and like handling their children are wearing masks so they look like these immortal vampires

who don't want to deal with the mortals serving them like terrible burgers and mac and cheese. So that was the only part I liked but it's just

the whole capitalism and aspirational like disgusting element of it, just, it's still going on, and it's really a danger to our society. Yeah, I think it's cool. Well, I know it's addicting.

A lot of cool things are addicting. Like, smoking's cool, but it's addicting. I think, counterpoint, the Kardashians give people a kind of hope that they couldn't have before, in a very specific way, because there's a lot of people out there that want to be famous but they're not special

and the Kardashians said hey, when you're in the shower and you're aspiring and that little twinge that tells you you can't sing, you can't dance, you can't act you're not funny, you're not reading, you're not disciplined, you don't know anything, can't write a poem, can't build a house,

can't dig a hole, you're fucking useless, you can still be famous in America. And that's aspirational. That's true. That's true. They should leave in the moment after they brag about something where they're like giving you that face like, am I worth something?

Because there's no dead air time on that show. It's just them trying on another outfit. I think that's cool. But you're right about what they offer people with no talent. But is that good to do? I don't know. I think we know. I think it's not good.

We think it's not good. Hey, we think it's not good. We're going to take a strong stand and say the Kardashians are not good for America. We're not sure it's good. We're not sure it's good. Probably not good. Hey, we think it's not good. We're going to take a strong stand and say the Kardashians are not good for America. We're not sure it's good. We're not sure it's good. Probably not good. Probably not good. Let's spin it again.

That was great. It has landed on Abercrombie and Fitch. This is me oh my abercrombie and fitch okay look netflix just put out a whole documentary that was like hey did you know that this company was racist which is like as someone born in 1990 i thought that's what they were going for the whole time. Like I'm saying, you put shirtless white men in the front who just look like they want to burn a cross at my house. Yeah, I thought your whole thing was

we're Amber Gromby, we're racist, that's our thing. And so Netflix makes this whole documentary that tries to be like, shocking, am I right? Like they had shirts that said two Wongs don't make a right. That's horrible. I know I was there. In the documentary

there's this part where they try to because it's supposed to be for young idiots who don't know anything. There's a part where they're explaining, here's what a mall was. A mall was like a search engine you could walk through like like imagine a catalog but with things you can actually touch and then i was so angry i'm just like no you don't get to rewrite my history and treat me like i'm old now okay but then what's worse like the documentary and they're like I'm old now. Okay? But then once we're like the documentary

and they're like, but no, don't worry. Like Abercrombie, we got the racism out now. Like we're all good. Like everybody who works here is like a beautiful rainbow. And like, if you go to their website, it's like, this is Abercrombie now. We're so beautiful, so diverse. And I fucking bought the clothes.

I did it. I bought the, for the first time in my life, I bought something for Abercromb time in my life, I bought something for Abercrombie as someone who like grew up like in a hot topic. Do you know how angry I was at myself that I was like, no, the cool girls in high school I used to make fun of, now I'm them. Okay. And I bought the Abercrombie and God damn, it is good. It is good. If it's so nice, but I will say, I will say I posted a picture is good. It is good. If it's so nice. But I will say

I will say I posted a picture on Twitter. It like blew up. All these people were like oh my god it's so cute. I want to buy something from Abercrombie. They were tagging Abercrombie.

They were like oh my god give her credit. Like she's selling your stuff. And they were like no. So I do feel like they only took out like 20% of the racism like per stitch.

That reminds me of when Domino's had that ad campaign where it was like, hey, we heard you. Our pizza's not good. And we're going to try to make it good now. And you know what, Paul? They fucking did it. That's what I hear. They really did it.

They really did it. Those bastards cracked the code. Yeah, and it's the same with Abercr really did. They really did it. Those bastards cracked the code. Yeah. And it's the same with Abercrombie. Their large is a true large. Their curvy sizes are curved. It's inclusive. I hate it. No, please don't.

I have to tell you, when Ellen DeGeneres received the Presidential Medal of Freedom, it'll connect back. It'll connect back, I promise. I saw it on television, and I just started sobbing. I was just sobbing

and I realized why. And here's why. The reason I cried is I realized that Ellen DeGeneres announced that she was doing something on her show, came out of the closet, became gay, the show was cancelled, she got another show, that didn't work,

then she got the talk show, that did work famously. And I realized that all that happened without got another show that didn't work then she got the talk show that did work famously and i realized that all that happened without me saying out loud that it was important to me because i was closeted at the time and so that really mattered to me when ellen came out the whole thing happened and then i forgot about it and i was just closeted the whole time and then i see ellen getting the presidential medal of freedom i was fucking sobbing on behalf of Ellen, famously kind. Anyway, the point I'm making is when I saw there was

an Abercrombie documentary and all of a sudden there was this conversation about Abercrombie and Fritch, all of a sudden, gay men of a certain age all together realized, oh my God,

this is the fucking ur-poison at the core of being a closet chubby kid in the late 90s in America that Abercrombie & Fitch was a fucking boot on our necks. It really was. Like, if my body dysmorphia is a pizza, Abercrombie & Fitch is like three fucking

slices. Do you know what I'm saying? It had a big impact and that impact is terrible. And I think right now, if I smelled the smell of that store, I would fall to pieces. And I know that it is called The Woods.

It is. That smell is called The Woods? It's called The Woods, yeah. Has anyone been to The Woods that made that smell? Absolutely not, no. But there is a very long part in the documentary where they go into how they chose the smell. It's very particular. I can't watch it.

I can't do it. Was it like whoever likes this and comes in deserves to be here? Yeah, they would pay some of the models in just the cologne. Really? Yeah. They were literally like, we got free clothes and cologne. I always smelled so good.

And then it was like a 21-year-old boy who just is a living six-pack getting played. In perpetuity throughout the universe. Here's a bottle of cologne. The woods. I'm going to be vulnerable for a moment. Please. And I'll say this. The number of times I saw Zack Morris on television

and then tried to recreate the look at Abercrombie & Fitch and Aeropostale and failed because I was a foot shorter and the same weight. Fuck that store. Burn every single one of them to the goddamn ground. Let's spin it again. It has landed on crunchy peanut butter.

What's wrong with you people? There's peanut butter and there's peanuts. Two different things. Why, if I want to enjoy peanut butter on something, would I ever want my upper palate pierced?

I don't understand the idea of, okay, keep going, keep going, keep going, and stop right there. It's perfect. Do you know what I like when I make my coffee and I grind it up? I throw a few whole beans

in there. You're out of your minds. I don't understand. I don't understand. The whole point of it is no texture. That's the whole point. We're not talking about ice cream. Is it that you don't like ice cream and you're like, I'm jealous of people that have things in their

stuff and you want to have that experience for yourself? It doesn't work with peanut butter. If you're a thinking, feeling human being, if you're not a sociopath, you enjoy creamy peanut butter. Also, creamy is a better word than crunchy. I put it to you that crunch is a better word than crunchy. I put it to you that crunch is a better word than crunchy, and creamy is a better word than cream.

So just stop ripping up your bread. Just be normal. I haven't yet heard a good case for it. I'll make a case for it right fucking now. Good luck. Good luck. Where are my crunchy friends at? I like crunchy. Crunchy peanut butter fucking rules. I'll make a case for it right fucking now. Good luck. Where are my crunchy friends at? I like crunchy. Crunchy peanut butter

fucking rules. I like crunchy. It fucking rules. Let me tell you something. You take a soft piece of bread, you put some soft, creamy peanut butter on it, it's delicious. I'm not going to lie to you. Thank you. I'm not going to sit here and... Thank you for meeting me there, at least. I'm not going to do sophistry.

But I'll tell you something. You take one piece of bread, you put a little crunchy peanut butter on one side, you fold that thing over, it's a fucking flavor and texture delight. It's a texture party. It's a texture party.

Hey, texture party. Table for one. And hey, two. And two. Maybe a little honey on that. Why not? A little honey on that. Why not? Sure.

Sure. Because it cuts down on the sharpness of the nuts. No. The bread cuts down on the sharpness. Hey. Do you want to have. The sharpness is always there. How about a sandwich?

There's little knives in it. Is that cool? Yeah. How about Cheetos? Can I ask you crunchy Cheeto or regular Cheeto? Do you like them both? Don't make me choose. Okay.

I didn't know if you't make me choose. Okay. I didn't know if you were strictly never crunchy. No, I like crunchy things that don't hurt. That's what I like. Yeah, I feel like this is more of like an orange juice with pulp or no pulp conversation. I'll say this. I'll say this. I think we can all agree that if somebody likes the pulp, they should be fucking murdered. It is disgusting.

Chunky peanut butter is just pulpy peanut butter. I think it's different. My view, my personal view, is that it's different. Yeah. Chunky juice just doesn't work. Chunky juice doesn't work. That's just crunchy OJ. We don't want chunky juice.

We want whatever it is. Can we talk about oranges in general? Because I find them too membranous. Do you know what I mean? What I like in a fruit is something I can just pick up and take a bite out of. Not a thing that's in a secret little case and I have to unlock it

and then I have to pull its alien-like sections out. Too many strings, oranges. Too many strings. Too much going on. As you all know, it is the official position of Love It or Leave It that we do not have any calories in liquids.

That we save our calories for salt. So we don't drink juice. Because it's stupid. Because a glass of orange juice is a cookie and a cookie is fries. Very sensible.

Very sensible, yes. Let's spin it again. And that's also diet culture and i know that please stop tweeting at me olivia wilde served custody papers in public so i don't know if you've seen this story but here's the deal olivia wilde was giving a kind of director's talk at CinemaCon, and she was talking about a new film. And then midway through her conversation, somebody walked up to the stage with an envelope, pushed the envelope forward. Olivia Wilde said, is this for me? She picked it up. She opened it.

She looked at it. She pushed it down. She continued her talk as if nothing had happened. Many people thought perhaps this is a fan with some fan stuff. Perhaps this is an aspiring screenwriter who was an asshole and decided the world revolved around them and was going to give them a script at this moment. Could you imagine such a person?

It's possible. It's possible. At a film festival? No. But it turns out it was some kind of a process server delivering custody documents about the custody of the children that she has with Jason Sudeikis. Now, I believe as a rule, I don't want to get into the private lives

of Jason Sudeikis and Olivia Wilde. I hope they're happy separately, as happy as they were together, and I hope they figure it all out, and I don't know anything about them. We don't need to know anything about them. But I will say this. You don't need to serve somebody papers

while they're giving a talk about their new movie. That's one. And two, I'm a little suspicious about the denial about the papers getting there at that place, because that is a choice. That is a fucking choice. It is a choice to deliver papers to somebody at their moment of achievement,

an important moment in their lives. She is an actress and a director who is making a name for herself. She made Booksmart. She's an incredible director. She is building a name for herself. She is at a moment of triumph and this comes in and the papers are slid across the stage

and it feels devious and it feels purposeful and it feels like a choice and that is what I think happened and until I'm told otherwise, that is what I will continue to believe and that is how I feel about it and maybe I'm wrong because I don't know. No, I think you're 100% right. I'm just gonna

just like, okay, it cost $1,100 to buy a ticket to this event. What process server was like. It costs $1,100 to buy a ticket to this event. What process server was like, I got $1,100. We're lying around. This is the, this is the only way I can do it.

Come on. Somebody was like, let's get them in there. Even the event was like, that was against our security protocol. Like someone had to pull some strings and I don't like it. All right. All right.

And I, I've watched the pilot of Ted Lasso. Let's spin it again. It has landed on weed stores that look like Apple stores. This is me. stores that look like apple stores this is me i don't know why the more legal marijuana becomes the worse it is to go into those stores like everything is designed to look like an apple store or like check-in at the virgin america counter or the lounge at virgin america or the music inside of like an elevator at the w Hotel. They're always pumping you with exciting dance music at these wheat stores. And then there's young women in cocktail dresses holding iPads and asking you questions, kind of flirting with you.

I guess I just missed the days when there was a bulletproof piece of plexiglass and a bud tender behind the door and you kind of got to know him and you had to repeat it twice because he goes what did you want again man i'm sorry and you kind of got to know that he was reconnecting with his estranged son and it was like a thing and it had the roots of like jazz musicians like weed it was an underground drug and you were sort of bonding and there was still a little shame in it i I guess, is what it was about. But nowadays, it's just like, it's homogenous and it's kind of ruining, it's making me not want to get high anymore.

And that sucks. Yeah. That stinks. I mean, this sounds to me like, when I was a kid, the playground would kill you. But it didn't kill you. There was nobody like, they had a security guy out front. You still had to give your ID. It was safe and it was't kill you. There was nobody there. They had a security guy out front. You still had to give your ID.

It was safe, and it was legal-ish. And there was a vending machine if you didn't want to deal with it. Now they just shove it. You tell the young lady usually what you want, and then she goes, okay, purple thyme kush gravy coming right up. And then you go, just wait over here, and then you're waiting in no man's land. And then a clerk will go,

purple time, kush gravy. And you walk up and they've slid it through a door and you don't even see the kitchen. You don't even see

where they like wrap it. You don't even see where it's coming from. And then all the cubes on like the sheer austere white surfaces, it's like they found like an insect

in Jurassic Park and they've cubed it forever. They've cubed it. It's so embarrassing. It's an forever. It sounds great to me. It sounds great to me. It's great. It's like going to a restaurant where it says chicken salad and you order chicken salad

and then there's fucking pineapple and coconut in it. It's like you don't need to do that. It's like the gentrification. And mayonnaise. And maybe a little salt and pepper. And that's it. Pardon me. Pardon him. That's it. Don't fuck it up. Don't fuck it up. Pardon me. Pardon him.

That's comfort food. Marijuana is comfort food. You're ruining it. When the first weed stores were opening in LA, I would go to weed stores so fucking high. It was the best time because you walk in and you'd just be like, take care of me.

Help me. Here's this. This is my debit card because you don't take credit cards because of the federal government. Here's my debit card. You seem to have a bag. Fill it. Yeah, it's not like that now. Now it's like, hey, what's your

Bitcoin wallet? Oh, do you want to be part of our rewards program? Excuse me. The weed is the reward. Excuse me. What about this exchange leads you to believe that I'm a person planning ahead and retaining the idea of

points in this transaction? No, I don't want to join your rewards program. Give me the fucking animals so that I can all go home and forget that we don't live in a democracy anymore. Yeah.

That's what it's for. Matt, I want to apologize for them. They've been nice so far. They've been great. But something that does happen at Love It or Leave It is people do boo reality. It's something that does happen from time to time. Let's spin it again.

I just landed on Selling Sunset. Oh, baby. Yes. Oh, Selling Sunset. We just got some new episodes, y'all, and first of all, what is happening on that show they did not sell a single house all season nothing also like the only reason to watch is Christine she's like the perfect villain she's amazing it's like Cruella DeVille was like her tutor growing up she's a

perfect villain and like this season she's like i'm going full villain get me a black friend and they literally like finally bring in a black girl and it is like the best television i've ever seen but then everyone the whole time is just like christine's the worst we gotta get rid of her no she is the whole show okay she's the whole show like they're like oh yeah we're doing the reunion but christ Christine said she couldn't come. Reschedule it. Like, what are we wasting our time for? What, are we going to just listen to Chris Shell cry about Jason?

Whatever, okay? What, Davina being like, I couldn't sell a $75 million house. Yeah, you're the worst, Davina. Okay? Just make it the Christine show. That is all any of us want. I don't care if she can't sell a house.

She can walk on like a platform with just like 10 inch heels. She's a goddess. As you know, I've seen one episode and I really struggled with it because two people went out to dinner and one of them was I think some kind of Italian man who did not

want to be on the show. And in the episode he ordered an espresso martini and a margarita pizza. And I've just never seen an adult man order a margarita pizza as their entree. It's a horrible choice. There's no protein.

Maybe for the table, but not for the one thing you're going to get. And with an espresso martini, that's disgusting. Maybe for the table, but not for the one thing you're going to get. Yeah, yeah. And with an espresso martini, that's disgusting. And she's like, do you think we're going to get married one day? And he was like, blah, blah, blah, blah. He was just very upset. And I had trouble sticking with it after that. Yeah.

I also don't like those twins. Jason and the other one. I don't like it. I didn't like the energy. I didn't like the energy. I didn't like the energy. I was uncomfortable. There was just such a kind of misogyny in their kind of general behavior.

Oh, yeah. Because they're short, they hate women extra. You know. I'll just never get an espresso martini and a margarita pizza. That's a wild order. What you have to understand is that food on Selling Sunset is decorative.

Those women, none of those people actually eat food. The highlight of this season is a grown adult woman fitting through a doggy door. She gets through there. She gets through it. Let's spin it again.

Let's spin it again. It has landed on the parking lot at my gym. Here's how it works. There's a very small lot, very limited amount of space. Each lane fits two cars. It's marked off. You're not a doctor.

You're not a superhero. You're not anyone that needs to get in and out as quickly as possible. So you can park in the front of a two-lane spot. It's a two-car spot. You don't park in the front and leave that empty spot behind you because you're nobody. And how do I know? You go to the gym I go to. I will always pull all the way in because

I would rather someone ask me to leave to move my car than to have to go around with like a fucking camera phone picture like is this your car? Actually I said the wrong thing. I would rather ask

somebody to move than be asked to move. I was confused. I was so mad because I wanted the thing. You antagonized yourself. Yes I did. I did. Because when somebody comes up to me with a picture and it's not my car, I can go, no,

that's not me. Because I did the right thing. You know what it is? You know what it is? It's a fundamental divide in humanity. Absolutely. Which is do you like an aisle where you can go to the bathroom whenever the fuck you want, but if somebody else wants to go to the bathroom, they're in charge? That's right. Or do you want to be inside,

which means you have to rely on the kindness of strangers to go to the bathroom, they're in charge? That's right. Or do you want to be inside, which means you have to rely on the kindness of strangers to go to the bathroom, but no one is going to tell you when to stand or sit? What kind of person do you want to be? Do you want to be the kind of person that is available to help, yet you're in charge of your own destiny, yet you must be available to help?

Or do you want to be the kind of person that is at the whim of a stranger, yet is not beholden to anyone? But let me throw something else in there. Please do. Because on the airplane. I thought that explained all humanity. I don't know what else there is.

What is left? The pilot? Are you talking about the pilot? There's a crucial difference. There is a crucial difference. The airline, you get to pick a seat and that's your seat. You're not like getting in a seat and then somehow blocking you get to pick a seat and that's your seat you're not like getting in a seat and then somehow blocking someone else from having a seat so because the lot is so small

that's a good point if a bunch of assholes and there are a bunch all parked in the front of a two-car spot then little old me comes in there i'm just trying to have my day. And then I go in there and I can't park even though there's a wall of spaces behind this fucking dumb hedge of cars. That's the big difference. It's either you understand that the person coming out of the door has

right of way before you go in or you don't understand that. And if you don't understand that, it's because you know what it is and you don't want to do it. It's rude. It's rude. And I'm sick of it. And we're sick of it.

Let's spit it one more time. I meant to make that funnier, but I just caught straight man. It has landed on over-the-top public apologies, and I'd like to talk about one apology in particular, and that is about the straight man who said he was bisexual. Misha something. Is that his name?

Misha Collins. Misha, yeah, I know. We talked about him earlier. I remember. So apparently he gives an interview, and he somehow leaves the impression that he's bisexual. He's not bisexual. That's fine.

He doesn't have to be. Then apparently someone else on the show that he's on, which I believe is Supernatural, is in some kind of car accident. And that distracts him for a couple of days, and that'll happen. But during that three days, everyone thought he was bisexual. And a lot of podcasts were recorded that discussed it.

And we can't have that. And so then he comes out from dealing with whatever personal issues he was dealing with, and he discovers that the internet is very excited by the fact that he's a bisexual man. And he's like, but I'm not a bisexual man. I mean, maybe he is. Because who isn't? On some level. And he realizes, oh dear, I've made a blunder.

The world believes I'm a bisexual, and while that's given me a great many plaudits, as it does these days, what with the state of things, he realizes that he's got to nip this in the bud because he's got really two options. Be bisexual forever, literally for the rest of his life, make a big change, or come clean. And say that in a moment of, you know, look, actors, they like creating a moment, you know? And he created a

moment where he said he was bisexual, even though he's not. And so he decided he had to issue an apology. And here is my problem. There is currently no equity in an apology that is measured. Because a measured apology and an over-the-top, effusive, prostrate-before-society apology gets you the same thing. Right? No one ever pays a price for apologizing too hard. And that's fine interpersonally, mostly. Although it isn't, really. Right? If you have a friend,

if you have a friend who's late all the time, and whenever they're late, they don't just say, I'm so sorry. They're like, I am the worst. I am a monster. How could I be so late? You're like, alright, narcissist. Chill the fuck out. But on social media,

the effusive apology is usually the best strategy because you don't really know when you put an apology out into the world how apologetic you need to be to get to the other fucking side because Elon Musk didn't own Twitter. Now it's fine. But the point is, in this Misha, what's his last name?

Collins, who I love. Huge fan. He issues an apology in which he is so apologetic for having claimed to be bisexual for three days. And at the end of the apology, he says something along the lines, I regret that I may have caused harm and set back the movement.

I never intended to do anything like that. I am so sorry if I caused harm. The harm that I caused, you didn't cause any harm. Hey, everybody. I was trying to make a joke. It came across that I was bisexual.

I then got distracted and I didn't realize people thought I was bisexual. I'm not. I'm straight. I love gay people. You guys go do your thing. I'll be straight and very supportive. I'll see you around. That's the level we needed. But there's no perspective anymore.

No one ever says, I issue a deep apology. It's always a deepest apology. My deepest regrets. No, these are not your deepest regrets. You have deeper regrets. I promise. I promise. Because a regret that is deep enough to be your deepest regrets you have deeper regrets I promise because a regret that is deep enough to be your deepest regret is not

something you were talking about on the internet I have deep regrets I have deep regrets and I have my deepest regrets you all know my regrets you know some of my deep regrets, you know zero of my deepest regrets. You know zero of my deepest regrets.

My regrets are for Pod Save America and Love It or Leave It. My deep regrets are for my dearest friends. My deepest regrets are for Dr. Christie. Twitter is stupid. Social media is bad. One of the worst things it does in every way all the time is it gets rid of perspective. And I just think sometimes the thing that is harming us most of all

is that everything is treated exactly the same. We just need a little more perspective. Hey, man, you said you were bisexual. It's kind of funny. It's not a big deal. No one's upset. No one's harmed. We're getting harmed in Florida. We're not getting harmed by you. Chill the fuck out.

Thank you for your apology. We accept. We accept. We accept. Yes. The only thing that bothered me about it was that it was only three days because we had a solid 90s rom-com plot on our hands, And I can't believe he just ended it so soon. Like before the first act.

Come on, man. We had a second act we could have done where somebody was into it. And maybe you work together. And then maybe they like you, but you don't like them, but don't you like them? But then her best friend likes you. He learns a lesson, Tootsieie style it doesn't hold up you see it now and you're like um i guess for the time here's what i want to say about tootsie and and it's finally time we talk about tootsie before we end the show which has to end which is this tootsie doesn't hold up justice for terry gar terry gar gets absolutely fucked in Tootsie.

She is discarded. Like she does not matter because she's a real woman. When we come back, we'll end on a high note. And we're back. Here it is. The high note. Hi,

love it. My name is Sasha. I'm going with this week's high note. I'm a student at the university of Utah. And a couple of months ago, I applied for a scholarship. And I took a great risk by writing my essay in critiquing the great white male history that we are so often taught in K-12 education. I received that scholarship and an additional one. And with that money, I'm able to attend school for Lake City high school and teach high schoolers about queer politics. So that's my high note. And I just want to thank you guys for all that you do. And I look forward to you every week. Bye. I love it. This is TK from Oakland. And my high note of the week, month and year is watching Willow Pill win the crown for RuPaul's Drag Race Season 14.

It was incredible to see her triumph, and I'm obsessed. Love her so much. Was obsessed from day one, and I'm also super stoked to have you on the bandwagon. I love your show. Hope to see you live soon. Yeah, go Willow Pill. If you can't love yourself, how the hell are you going to love anybody else? Can I get an amen? Bye. Hi, Love Itow Pill. If you can't love yourself, how the hell are you going to love anybody else? Can I get an amen?

Bye. Hi, Love It. My name is Alex. I'm from Melbourne, Florida, just outside of Orlando. My honeymoon came last weekend at Easter brunch, where I officially came out as a trans woman to my family. Everyone was wonderful, and it went better than I imagined. Today I signed up for Vote Save America,

because no matter how hard those ghouls in Tallahassee try, I'm not going away, and neither are the people I imagined. Today I signed up for Vote Save America because no matter how hard those ghouls in Tallahassee try, I'm not going away and neither are the people I love. Love the show. Bye. Hey, I love it. This is Jonathan from West Hartford, Connecticut. So back in October, I met a wonderful woman who's a longtime listener of yours. So I started listening to the show too initially kind of just to give us another thing to talk about.

But I found that I really enjoy the show and listen to it almost every week now. Um, she and I are at about six months together and the live or else show in Boston that's coming up was the first vacation we ever planned together. So really looking forward to that. And I wanted to say thank you for bringing some levity to some pretty heavy topics and for being an unintentional matchmaker. Thanks. Thank you to everybody who shared high notes tonight.

If you want to leave us a message about something that gave you hope, call us at 213-262-4427. That is our show. Thank you once again to Matt Walsh, Paula F. Tompkins, and Ashley Ray. There are 192 days until the 2022 midterm elections. Have a great weekend. Thank you to Netflix is a Joke. And thank you all for coming out. This was so great. Thank you.

What a great show. Have a good night, everybody. Thank you. Theme song is written and performed by Sure Sure. Thanks to our designers, Jesse McLean and Caroline Haywood for creating and running all of our visuals, which you can't see because this is a podcast. And to our digital producers, Norma Alconian, Milo Kim, Mia Kelman, and Matt DeGroote for filming and editing video each week so you can.