Lovett or Leave It - Just Squidding Around

Episode Date: October 9, 2021

Phoebe Robinson has to match the apology to the scandal throughout Facebook’s history. Chris Kattan gets his feathers ruffled squawking about Big Oil. Jason Concepcion carves out some time for a Squid Game or three. And we take a spin on the Rant Wheel.For a closed-captioned version of this episode, please visit crooked.com/lovettorleaveit. For a transcript of this episode, please email [e-mail] and include the name of the podcast.

354,900 seconds 354,000 jokes told on Zoom 354,900 seconds We are back live and not a moment too soon. Wear your mask, please sit back, get a drink, laugh if jokes are bad, applaud us, tell your friends, yes, now we'll wait. 154,900 seconds. Who is the host who demanded that end? It was love. It was love.

It was love. Yes, it was love it, yes it was love it, love it or leave it, love it or leave it, live or else. or else. 594,060 seconds. That's how many seconds we did before COVID. 594,060 seconds. Adding this up took a while for producers to do. In wheels that we spun, and the pride shows we had, sometimes it worked, but a lot was quite bad.

It's time now to shoot straight, respect it on both sides. Get into it, ding or buzz, welcome to the show Live or else, we're live or else We're live or else We're live or else Love it or leave it We're live or else We're live or else Good evening, Los Angeles. Thank you so much to Wilson Cruz for singing that incredible song. And by the way, thank you to Brian Semel, our producer,

who writes bananas parodies and then reaches out to real people and gets these real people to sing them. That is amazing. Thank you. First of all, I want to find something out. So someone named Emily tweeted, I'm finally going to see John Lovett live or else tonight. If I make it in time, I'm still in Bishop. Odds aren't great, but I'm known to drive fast

and never stop to pee like it's my job. Emily, you out there? Yes. Yes! Talk to me. how did it go? I didn't stop You didn't stop? And you didn't have to go to the restroom? No

That's cool I used to be a 911 dispatcher So I could go 12 hours 12 hours? Wow Welcome That's cool 12 hours If I knew I had to go 12 hours Welcome. That's cool.

12 hours. If I knew I had to go 12 hours, 40 minutes in, I'm thinking about it. You know what I mean? It's over. On the show this week, Phoebe Robinson tries to figure out what Mark Zuckerberg is apologizing for. A bird flies in with some harsh tweets for Big Oil.

I have designed a game for Jason Concepcion too scary for any squid. And the rant wheel spins again. But first, let's get into it. What a week. While Idaho Governor Brad Little visited Texas this week to grumble about Biden's immigration policy with other Republican governors, his far-right Lieutenant Governor Janice McGeechan, who also wants his job, passed an executive order banning vaccine mandates without the governor's knowledge. And I'll be honest, this whole story had me McGeechan my pants.

Who said do better? Who said do better? Thank you for saying it's that's the feedback i don't want but need basically the idaho constitution says that when the governor is out of state the lieutenant governor is in charge she got the idea by um from an article titled governors hate this one weird trick but here's the weirdest part If the lieutenant governor also leaves the state, even for a second, the bizarre rules of secession mean the new governor is someone named King Ralph. But even more alarming, McGeehan attempted to activate Idaho's National Guard and send them to secure the southern border. That is wild. The governor left for the day and she tried to march troops to the southern border. The general in charge of that said, no, no, no, we're not going to do that, thankfully. So it was a real don't tell mom the governor's out of state situation.

Fortunately, Little repealed the ban on vaccine mandates Wednesday from Texas. Meanwhile, Idaho actually has one of the worst COVID rates in the country right now. Only 42% of the state is vaccinated. But I'm sure a xenophobic, white supremacist, anti-science government has a comprehensive plan to fix that once they're in charge. Bottom line is this. Brad, you can't leave Idaho. No vacations. All vacations are planned if you leave the state for even five minutes

the lieutenant governor will try to order troops to the Idaho-Mexico border laughter everywhere you look there is somebody worse auditioning laughter everywhere, every single level of our government

everywhere you, we're like what's the next decade going to look like? I don't know. Look at who's auditioning. It's not like the governor of Idaho is a cool guy we love. Anyway, former Vice President Mike Pence told Sean Hannity that the media's focus on the January 6th Capitol riot is meant to demean the character and intention of Trump voters. Said Pence, I know the media wants to distract from the Biden administration's failed agenda by focusing on one day in January.

Continued Pence, after all, what's one day in January? Certainly not enough to make a man wake up screaming every night for months, drenched in a cold sweat and knocking dozens of humble figurines off the nightstand. It was one day and it's over. It can't hurt me. I mean, it couldn't hurt anybody anymore. Other than that one day in January, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you enjoy the play? Meanwhile, Trump's lawyers are reportedly urging four of the former president's aides

to refuse a subpoena for their files related to January 6th and reject any call to testify about Trump or his time in the White House, they said innocently. Francis Haugen, the former product manager who leaked thousands of pages of internal research, testified in front of the Senate this week on the numerous ways Facebook ignores the disastrous effects of his apps on teen girls, democracy, and society at large, while continuing to rake in profits. Facebook responded by attacking her qualifications, even though it has nothing to do with the evidence she's gathered, and added, it's been 25 years since the rules for the internet have been updated, and instead of expecting the industry to make societal decisions that belong to legislators, it is time for Congress to act. It's a real, regulate me daddy moment, you know what I mean? That's what they're saying? Stop me.

It's been 25 years since I had a bedtime, but you don't see me encouraging genocide in Myanmar, you know what I mean? That doesn't make any sense. What is the rule that Facebook wishes the government would make them follow? Why don't you write that down and pretend they did it? If you're asking the government to write a rule to stop you from doing certain things, why don't you make a list of the things you wish the government would stop you from doing and then stop doing those things? I don't understand what else we're talking about. They're Facebook. They are the biggest kid in the playground.

What is the thing that they would stop doing that their competitors would do to catch up on them? Like, what are we talking about here? Yes, they're a global behemoth, wrecking our society, kind of rending at the fabric of human connection, monetizing it at every turn. But they're also just kind of like sleazy fucks. You know what I mean? Like, all of their communication just reeks of sleaziness. about giant multinational corporations with serious adults who took big paychecks with titles like global vice president

for corporate communications colon branding. You know what I mean? We don't call those people sleazy. It's the way we call Michael Cohen is sleazy, but David Boies, who's supposed to be a serious professional is not sleazy, they're the same. Facebook's communications over and over again are just not fucking true.

They never, ever address the actual issue. This person at great personal risk takes a bunch of documents out to show the world that internally in Facebook, they know their products are incredibly harmful to people. And do they address that actual concern? No, they attack her credentials that she didn't have any fucking direct reports. Who gives a fuck? She stole good shit. They never are honest with us and and this is one of the most powerful and important companies in the history of our society and they are never fucking transparent. Never, never ever do they just tell the truth. Do they address an actual issue substantively. Take us at our word.

Treat us like adults. The people that are their consumers because we're all their consumers. Never. It is always alighting the truth and spinning and fucking sleaze. That's what they do every fucking day. I don't even know where this came from. You want to run the world?

You can't be honest with us? You're so powerful. How much bigger do you have to get before you're confident enough in your actual views to tell the truth? You can't be honest with us? You're so powerful. How much bigger do you have to get before you're confident enough in your actual views to tell the truth? It makes me crazy. And smart people work there. People who think they're Democrats work there. In Singapore, authorities have released trial patrol robots that blast warnings at people engaging in undesirable social behavior,

leading to fear of an increased surveillance state. Yeah, I'd say so. Some examples of undesirable social behavior that the drones will discourage? Telling your friends about a dream you had in detail. Bringing up a friend's Instagram when you specifically deleted Instagram to stop seeing your friend's Instagram.

Too specific. Making any reference to that kidney story from the Times. I'm going to break that one later. I have a correct view I need to share. Anyway, this feels worse than straight-up robot soldiers. Social observer robots seems like the worst possible scenario. I'm prepared for Black Mirror-style armed robots, you know what I mean?

But robots with cultural opinions? I'm prepared for Black Mirror style armed robots you know what I mean but like kind of robots with like cultural opinions I'm not really ready like I don't need I don't need a drone to point out when I'm a weirdo that's why I have John and Tommy William Shatner at the age of 90 is headed to space next week on Jeff Bezos's Blue Origin it's wild to me that Jeff Bezos isn't satisfied to just be the richest man in the history of the world. He also wants to kill William Shatner. I really do hope, of course, I want this, I want it to be an uneventful rocket ride

for William Shatner, that's obviously what we all want. But it would be truly so funny if we had footage of Captain Kirk in space being like, Oh my God, oh my God, oh no. I'm so high, I'm so high. I'm going to throw up. I'm going to fucking throw up. Oh my God, this is too high.

Too high, too high. I'm going to puke. Captain Kirk's going to puke. Too high. Scared. Shatner is scared. Because I'm a Captain Picard guy. The thinking man's captain.

And you're going to throw Janeway at me. And that may be true. I haven't gotten to that series yet. Okay, I want you to applaud if you are competent in the sense that you have enough information to decide between Janeway and Picard. Now, only those people

decide. Picard. Janeway. Wow. Okay. Misogynists. Authorities say the ruptured Southern California pipeline, which dumped over 126,000 gallons of oil into the ocean,

appears to have been ripped open and dragged along the ocean floor. Go home, Godzilla, you're drunk. It was probably an anchor. When I saw that, I was like, that's alarming. That's the beginning of something. It was probably an anchor. I don't really want to point fingers, but we should check in with the Ever Given, you know? Can you see that ship getting into some new trouble after their whole Suez thing? Always making a mess of stuff. In Anchorage, Alaska, a group of violent river otters have been attacking adults, children, and dogs,

which is weird because in West Hollywood, the otters are mostly peaceful. Maybe Alaska ran out of poppers. We did it. Another poppers jokes. Do you think too many? Too many? Thanks for the constructive criticism. Buckle up.

We're doing one a week till the day I fucking die. Too many. What's the right number for you monthly? What are you looking for in a podcast? I don't want to know the answer. Here's the one thing I will say to you, sir. My hope is in the future

we don't have to drive as far a distance to get to a poppers joke that you'll approve of, okay? That's the deal I'll make with you right now, all right? Was that a little jammed in? Sure, but that's why you need poppers. A man in California is suing a psychic for falsely claiming to be able to remove a curse put on his marriage by a witch hired by his ex-girlfriend. And I, for one, didn't think crimes would be this petty. The CDC reports that depression and anxiety symptoms were more common during the pandemic. The results are said to be published in the prestigious journal No Shit Dummies. In other toilet news, I skipped a toilet joke.

The punchline is that there was a 2,700-year-old toilet they found in Israel, and I was going to say it was Kyrsten Sinema's. You can set it up however you'd like. At home. In other toilet news, Meghan Trainor and her husband, the man from Spy Kids, revealed that they have toilets next to each other in their home bathroom and pee next to each other a lot.

Which is a bizarre choice. How are they supposed to maintain eye contact? All I'll say is you don't need two toilets to pee at the same time. Just share the one. That's called an Arnold Palmer. I sent the article about the dual Meghan Trainor toilets to Ronan, and he didn't respond, but then he tweeted that he was filled with dread. On Thursday, Chuck Schumer announced that a deal has been reached to extend the debt limit into early December and scheduled a vote for Thursday night.

Experts say we can expect more frequent short-term fixes to America's high-stakes debt battles as the country's uncut gemsification continues. That's what we are now. We're Adam Sandler and uncut gems all the time, just letting it ride. Then Ted Cruz, who is their Kyrsten Sinema, said he'd object. The Republicans had to find 10 votes to pass the extension, which is only possible because if they don't find the 10, then that will leave Mansion and Cinema with no choice but to change the rules for the filibuster.

And I guess they're afraid if Mansion and Cinema change the rules on the filibuster once, they'll kind of get a taste for it. You know? Like if there's like half a birthday cake left after the party and everyone goes home, and then you like have a little sliver. And then in the the morning there's no cake and everybody has health care they did it too they found the people they found the 10 which is actually i think a good lesson

i'm obviously it's all nonsense but it's like the second cinnamon mansion entertained the possibility that they might do a tiny thing to change the filibuster, bipartisanship erupted. So just say you'll fuck up with the filibuster, you know? Get rid of it. It sucks. Meanwhile, Playboy made history this week when 23-year-old Bretman Rock, what a name, became its first openly gay cover star. And I guess that's great, but what is Playboy at this point?

Like, what is it? It's a website with hot guys on front? Like, that is a fucking brand drift, if you ask me. I'm into it. I'm cool with it. You go to Hugh Hefner in 1950-whatever, when he's starting Playboy, and you're just like, this ends with a TV of hot guys.

Okay. And finally, all of the lions and tigers at Washington's D.C. National Zoo contracted COVID. Why didn't the lions just wear masks, you ask? Pride. Boo me all you want. When we come back,oebe robinson is here hey don't go anywhere there's more of love it or leave it coming up and we're back facebook is in the news again and this time for allegedly sitting on internal research

revealing the crushing effect instagram has on its users, in particular teen girls, which whistleblower Frances Haugen testified to in the Senate this week. In their apology explanation, Facebook neither apologized nor explained, claiming Haugen mischaracterized their findings, which you can Google yourself to see that she didn't. Said Facebook spokesperson, we don't agree with her characterization on the many issues she testified about. Despite all this, we agree on one thing. It's time to begin to create standard rules for the Internet. Said Facebook spokesperson, lane to the flaming gravel pit that is Facebook headquarters is the hilarious comedian and author Phoebe Robinson. Hi, Phoebe. Hi. Oh, my goodness. How is everyone? Good? This is so cute. I love this. Yeah, it's nice. This is great. You're so far away. I miss you already. But this is, you know, this is the world now. Of course. You know what I mean?

Yeah. First question for you. Are you still on Facebook? I think my social media team, which is a shitty way of starting a sentence. I think it's cool. I'm jealous. But I quit Facebook, I want to say maybe like five or seven years ago or whatever. And they were just like, just for like your stand-up touring stuff,

you should have like a public page. So I have a public page, but I never check it. What apps got you by the throat? You know, like for me, it's all of them. What's for you? What do you check? You wake up in the night and you reach for your phone and you should not, but you do.

Right. And what do you go to? What happens? phone and you should not but you do right and what do you go to what happens first i check shop bop so i can see like what new cardigans i don't need that i want to put in my cart and then i go to instagram instagram is like my drug of choice that's what i love and after you've checked instagram for say five to ten minutes yeah what is your feeling in the core of you sometimes i'm like oh that was fun other times i'm like i just wasted precious time i could have been doing something else every so often i will feel a little bit worse about myself but usually i'm just like none of this needs to be shared like

i don't need to share my shit like no one else needs to be like look at this meal i made or look at where i'm vacationing. No one cares. One thing that I have found when I take myself off of Twitter for a while, I find that Twitter is still a part of my life. Like I see tweets and articles. People say I saw an interesting tweet. That happens because Twitter is a place where people share ideas. But when you delete Instagram, no one's ever like, oh, my God, did you see the dinner that Jessica ate? Never. It never comes up. Ever.

Because it's the most boring shit on planet Earth. It's like, I can't believe what a fun vacation Jeff took. It's not conversation. It's gone. Something to think about. But what I will say, what I do like about Instagram is that you're kind of like caught up to speed on everyone's lives. So you have to do less like in-person check-ins with people that you like kind of like caught up to speed on everyone's lives so you have to do

less like in-person check-ins with people that you like kind of don't really hear about you're just like I saw it in the feed I'm good 10 years later yeah I'm like hey how's it going and then TikTok I don't get it I like TikTok because it shows me the perfect balance of hot British guys, New England candy makers, and, quote, show-stopping cheesecakes, end quote. They got me so fucking quickly. I don't know what's going on in that Chinese communist algorithm, but it's good because they know what I want. Hot guys and cheesecakes and some light glass blowing for some reason. I cannot

figure out TikTok. I can't figure out the talk. It's just, I don't know. People don't call it that, I don't think. But I feel like I'm, because I'm 37, I think this is the first real thing where I'm like, oh, this isn't for me. Like, I should not be here.

See, I'm 39. I believe that's true. And I'm powering through it. All right. Well, Phoebe, we are here to talk about Facebook. to talk about Facebook. I'm going to give you a true apology that Facebook has delivered and three possible scandals

that they were apologizing for. Your job will be to identify the scandal to match the apology. Oh, this is going to be so hard. I love it. Great. We want you to have a good time. It's not going to be that hard.

Yeah, okay. All right. Apology number one. Mark Zuckerberg said, I hope you understand this is not how I meant for things to go, and I apologize for any harm done as a result of my neglect to consider how quickly the site would spread its consequences thereafter. I definitely see how my intentions could be seen in the wrong light.

Was he apologizing for A, Facebook, still known as FaceSmash, scraping images of Harvard students? Was it B, that Time reporters found a loophole in Facebook which allowed advertisers to access users' personal information? Or C, ruining Tom from MySpace's life? I'm going to go with B. It was A. It was his very first apology. FaceSmash.

Oh, man. He was apologizing for not understanding the consequences of what he had done from the fucking jump. Was that in the movie? Because I watched it, and the movie was so tight. I was like, all right, Aaron Sorkin,

do your thing. Yeah. That's great. Next apology. Okay. This was a big mistake on our part, and I'm sorry for it. We really messed this one up. Mark Zuckerberg once wrote on the company's blog.

What big mistake was he referring to? Oh, jeez. Was it A, that time Facebook's beacon advertising system was launched without consent control, making users' purchase history public? Was it B, Facebook launching its news feed, which made personal information already entered into the site more easily searchable without any privacy checks whatsoever. Or C, the decision to allow users to make joint couple accounts.

We get it. You're codependent. I'm going to do like how I do in school where I just, I picked a letter and I'm just going to stick with it. So B. You got it. Awesome. Okay. Facebook COO Sheryl Sandberg said it was poorly communicated and for that communication we apologize we never meant to upset you wait this the bitch that wrote lean in

and that's her apology Sheryl that's fucking terrible I want my money back for your book she's great I did a podcast with her before she's great but that apology is yikes.

I mean, I know she didn't write it. Should we cut this out too? No, no. I like it. I like it. Because you're being very diplomatic and I'll say, is she great? Alright. What was you referring to, this miscommunication? Was it A, that time an academic paper revealed that Facebook had

secretly conducted psychological tests on roughly 700,000 of its users? I think it might be that. You got it. When did they do that, Cheryl? What the fuck? Come on, Cheryl. It was 2014. It was 2014.

Oh, Cheryl. It was 2014. It was 2014. Oh, Cheryl. We're an idealistic and optimistic company, said Mark Zuckerberg, but it's clear now that we didn't do enough. We are going to do a full investigation. What was Zuck referring to? Is it A, that time we learned that the British consulting firm Cambridge Analytica got unauthorized data on as many as 87 million Facebook users, which it then used to assist the 2016 presidential campaigns of Ted Cruz and Donald Trump? A. You got it.

That's right. What is going on? How are they doing this? This is nuts We should all just leave Facebook Let's just do it Let's just do it Let's just walk out

We gotta walk out probably We gotta walk out Like this is a 90s movie about like a troubled high school We're walking the fuck out And so some things change I do feel like conflicted about this in two ways. First of all, I locked myself out of my Facebook account a couple years ago, and it's gone now.

I don't know. There's some sort of contact I need to email HQ, and I don't think they're very receptive. So I'm not even on Facebook personally, but it is a platform that reaches millions and millions of people. So A, as somebody who's trying to share podcast stuff, I want Crooked Media to be able to kind of reach the people on Facebook. And I don't think there's anything wrong with that. And then on top of that, Facebook is a receptacle for some of the worst right-wing misinformation in the world.

And I guess we can just cede that territory. But it's probably a good thing if we have progressive organizations trying their best to combat it. but it's probably a good thing if we have progressive organizations trying their best to combat it. So it's like, how do you both think of Facebook as something we shouldn't be on while recognizing it's a real space that exists in the world, that if we're not there, it's not empty, you know? I don't know. I don't want this to be like, let's think about it critically. I just want to walk out.

And I think that's cool. I was like, he's raising so many good points. Fuck. Cancel the walkout. No, but I feel the same way. Like, I want to walk out, you know? Here's what we need to do. We got to call Greta Thunberg and Malala to fucking handle all this shit.

They would, like, tear it up, start it anew, and it would be, mwah, chef's kiss. The problem is Malala is on TikTok doing her dances, you know? Is that Malala doing some glass blowing on TikTok? That's cool. Is that Malala making a show-stopping cheesecake? Show-stopping. Gets me every time. Facebook's head of cybersecurity said,

we have taken significant steps to remove this abuse. What was he referring to? Is it A, that time a hacker attempted to alert Facebook to a potential bug, and when the platform ignored them, hacked Mark Zuckerberg's account and posted it to his Facebook wall? B, after details came to light about Facebook's role in inciting the genocide against Myanmar's Rohingya minority? Or C, my high school's nonstop attempts to inform me about the upcoming reunion.

I'm not coming, Sean. I don't care if it's an outdoor patio. B. You got it. Phoebe, you've won the game. Oh my God. Thank you so much. Shouldn't we walk out on Facebook?

I think you're right. I think we have no choice. We should do it. We should leave all... Honestly, my dream is to be off of all of social media within the next like five years what a timetable I want to build my career um and then I want to be like okay bye it is one thing I also think about too which is that like there are exactly zero people that I think are better after i find out what their social media is like you know what i mean like think about everyone you

know in your entire life is a single person you know on earth higher in your esteem because of their social media presence is there anyone who you don't think is worse based on their twitter instagram or other platform nonsense applaud if 100 of the people in your life you think less of based on their posts i'm not applying that seems rough yeah seems rough what about my posts don't applaud that wait was that good applause or bad applause? I don't even know. Guys, everybody give it up for Phoebe Robinson. Her new book. Thank you so much.

Please Don't Sit on My Bed in Your Outside Clothes. Yes. I love that title. Thank you so much. Please Don't Sit on My Bed in Your Outside Clothes is out. Phoebe Robinson, everybody. When we come back, we have a pretty cool segment. Don't go anywhere. Just love it or leave it. There's more on the way. And we're back. As you probably know by now, this past weekend,

there was an oil spill off the coast of Huntington Beach. A torn pipeline dumped more than 126,000 gallons of crude oil in the waters near Orange County. So please welcome our next guest. This is a huge get for Love It or Leave It. Put your hands together for someone who can give us a true insight into the effects of an oil spill. Ladies and gentlemen,

please welcome a bird. Please welcome a bird. Please thank you for joining us, bird. Thank you. This is such an honor and a pleasure to have you here. Oh, well, yeah, the pleasure's all mine, John. It really is. I just flew in, and boy, are my arms tired.

They're actually, my arms are actually constantly tired because that's the hazard of the trade. The trade of being a bird. Yeah, well, yeah, you said it, brother. I mean, I gotta tell you, my dude, may I call you my dude? Please do call me your dude.

Okay, some of the shit that's been happening, it's like, it's for... It's for the birds. Yes. It's for the birds. What were you going to say? That it was for the birds? Yes, it's for the birds. It's for the birds.

It is. Well, I am really sorry about this oil spill in California. That must be terrible. That's probably affecting a lot of your friends right now. Well, not really, actually, John, because I actually moved here from New York. You did? I did. And after my family was literally killed by a maniac.

Oh, my God. Your family was killed by a maniac? Who was that? Who did that? Well, I don't know. Perhaps you've heard of him. His name is Sully Sullenberger. Yeah, I've heard of him.

I've heard of him. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. He's a huge... So you don't miracle on the Hudson? Yeah, yeah. Not for eight of my cousins who are also my lovers.

They were also your lovers? Yeah. We birds play by different rules. Because, like, to humans, Sully Sullenberger is a hero. Oh, well, yeah. And to us, he's like a mass shooter. He's like a mass shooter?

So what, John, though? Let's not argue. History is written by the victors. And that's been you. That's the humans. Yeah. Other than that, that one time we tricked Dick Cheney into shooting his friend in the face. That was the only other time. Yeah, that was a win you guys put in. That was a big win for you.

Oh, that was a really big win. Yeah, that was a win you guys put in. That was a big win for you. Oh! That was huge. That was a really big win. Well, I think it's really unfortunate that any bird has to deal with big oils, like reckless endangerment of our oceans. Yeah. You know, it's been ten years since the Deepwater Horizon disaster, the worst spill in history, and very little has been changed. For the most

part, we just rely on the oceans to fix themselves. Isn't that unconscionable? I couldn't disagree more, John. What? Actually, I think these incidents, which are very, very, very rare, are a fair trade-off for affordable petroleum and petroleum products. Why, without these pipelines, the economy as we know it would cease to function. I'm a little surprised to hear you defend the oil companies.

Just last month, we found out about the efforts by Big Oil to hide their role in climate change. They have been leading a coordinated effort to spread disinformation, and that campaign has lasted decades, funding misinformation and propaganda, PR blisses, hiring spokespeople. That helped make action impossible. Okay, yeah, but there are other issues besides climate change, Sean. Just this week, the National Audubon Society called for a mass lights-out dimming of non-essential city lights. Right, because a lot of migratory birds are disoriented by light pollution and smashed into buildings in Manhattan. Yeah, and it would be nice not to be horribly blinded.

Every time, I try to go south for the winter and north for the summer, but I guess, you know, Broadway needs lights going all the time. So the tourists can discover yet another jukebox musical. Well, not just jukebox musicals. I mean, have you seen Aaron Sorkin's To Kill a Mockingbird? Wait. Never mind. I'm so sorry.

I'm very sorry. Forget that. Forget it. Forget it. It's not important. Well, it sounded important. They don't kill a bird, I don't think. Okay. But I will say it's a little strange you keep changing the subject from oil spills and climate change. But here's some news. Last week, Biden reappealed a Trump-era rule that protected oil and other companies from their liability in bird death. It's not nearly enough because North America has lost 30 billion birds in the last 50 years.

And did you hear about this defunct tanker off the coast of Yemen that could spill or explode at any moment? Yes, I did. I read The New Yorker, John. Birds can read. Birds can read. And they fly. And they can show up here. The bottom line is this. Nobody likes oil spills. Not the energy companies. Not us birds. But let's be honest. I mean, a little rub down with Dawn dish soap isn't the worst part of my day, okay? It's not the worst. You don't hate that.

The worst part. Oh, what's the worst part? Hold on. The worst part. Now you got me going. The worst part of my day is when I have to throw up in my children's mouths. Yeah, that does seem gross. But you like the Don rub down.

The point is the companies like ExxonMobil provide a valuable service. A valuable service? Yes. Wait a second. Wait a second. What? Where? What are you saying here? I'm not service. A valuable service? Yes. Wait a second. Wait a second. What? Where? What are you saying here?

I'm not leaving, which is why... Okay, this is why I have... I've partnered with ExxonMobil on their new venture. ExxonMobil brand bird feed. Yes. You made a brand deal? You sold out the birds to make an ExxonMobil brand deal? That's right.

I'm an influencer now. Don, grouse all you want. Go ahead, grouse. I'll grouse. I'm grousing right now. I'll grouse. This is grousing. I'm on these corporations to keep our economy humming.

Are you telling me? Bird. Like a bird. Like a hummingbird. Like a grousing. The grousing was also wordplay. Are you telling me a bird. Like a bird. Like a hummingbird. Like a grousing. The grousing was also wordplay. Are you telling me, a bird, that you made a deal with one of these companies that is destroying your habitat and the planet just to make money? That's why you've been acting so strange tonight?

Don't cry, Falzon. Isn't that what humans do every day? I mean, when you use fossil fuels? I guess. I mean, I guess that's sort of true, but still, I don't know. I'm an animal, just like you, John. I gotta

be making this bread. And they literally pay you in bread? No. What do you think I am, cuckoo? They're terrible with money. You know that. Fuck Tesla. Fuck it. Cold jobs or good jobs? Kristen Sinema 2024!

Oh my God! This bird has sold out its values for money. Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for this bird. And also, I happen to have seen Chris Kattan somewhere. Incredible. Get out of here, you morally bankrupt bird.

It's going to take me a while because I'm in oil. He's covered in oil. Get this bird some dish soap. I'm still leaving. That was Chris Kattan. Thank you so much, Chris, for being here. That was amazing. When we come back, more show.

And we're back. I found that bird to be quite despicable, ultimately. I had no idea. I thought we were going to have a nice conversation about the importance of addressing climate change and how it affects birds. I was trying to think of... I was going to say aviation. What do you call a group, how it affects birds?

No, there's a specific word for birds. Apiary, that's a place where they are. Little housekeeping. Phil Picardi's podcast, Unholier Than Thou, is back. This season is all about the wisdom of everyday people falling down, getting up, and trying new things as they navigate reentry into a newish world. Episode one of Unholier Than Now is out now. Listen and follow wherever you get your podcasts. Also, Keep It is celebrating its 200th episode this week. Check out the latest episode with Ira Lewis and guest host Leslie Grossman.

Alan Cumming joins Keep It to look back on his career, discuss his new memoir, Baggage, and Dish about his relationships with the Spice Girls almost 25 years after the release of Spice World. New episodes of Keep It are out every Wednesday. Listen and subscribe wherever you get your pods.

It was a really good episode. I'm so glad you feel that way. See, that's an endorsement. That's an endorsement, and he's got no vested interest. If you're like me, seek help. But also, if you're like me, that means you've already probably binged Squid Game, which is like the most popular show

in the history of television. Financially strapped contestants from their hum-drive lives are taken and forced to compete in deadly versions of classic kid games in the hopes of winning $38 million. Here to discuss it all is someone who I would be honored to compete against in a life or death competition. Please welcome Crooked's own and the host of X-Ray Vision,

Jason Concepcion is here. And he's running. What? What? What an entrance. Wow. He's stretching. We're stretching.

Jason. Yes. Thank you for having me. Welcome. Good to see you. It's wonderful to be here. Thanks for being here. Are you going to kill me if I lose something?

Why don't we see how this goes? Okay. Okay. Squid Game is not only the biggest Korean language TV show to be on Netflix, it's on its way to being the biggest show of all time

on Netflix in any language, beating out every other program in over 83 countries. Why do you think it has caught on like this? Because Netflix does not release their statistics and they can tell you

anything they want about the size of their programs. Wow. Wow. That's the Squid Game. That's the squid game. That's the squid game right there. I mean, for real, because it's a trenchant critique of capitalism, the likes of which we are not likely to produce in this country.

Yeah, no, but I also think there's something important about the fact that not only would that not come out of the U.S., it also maybe couldn't come out of the U.S. because it seems to be a critique of capitalism in a place that doesn't identify capitalism as centrally as we do here. Like, I think that there's something about the international way in which capitalism, and almost as like a metaphor for America, plays out as something foreign inside of that world. Do you know what I mean? I think that that's probably right. I think that the fact that they are talking about a country

that's located with a neighbor that is an authoritarian communist country, and then they are also very close to China, who they do most of their trade with, and they are supported by the West, they are between by the West. They're between these like massive powers. I think that that creates this particular lens that they have about the world system of capitalism. So we've seen Hunger Games. We've seen Battle Royale. Yes. We've seen The Running Man. Yes. Someone's seen Divergent.

Come on. Where my Shailene heads at? What is it about game shows where people fight to the death? We come back to them over and over again. I love them. What makes them so exciting? It's interesting because this genre is pervasive not just in entertainment but in all forms

of entertainment. One of the biggest video games that people can play right now is Fortnite in which you are dropped onto an island inside of a circle that slowly shrinks, and you must fight everyone until you are the last one standing. Call of Duty Warzone is the same thing. Fall Guys. There's all these games like this. And I think you just did a whole segment about how the world is dying and there are oil spills everywhere i think it's resonating with our subconscious the fact that like the livable space in the world is shrinking i also think that there's something complicated i think that's right and i think there's something a little bit morally complicated about it i saw i didn't read the hunger games if there's a movie

you can assume i didn't read it first. But I went to see The Hunger Games. I'll just say it. It was the premiere. And it was, but it was a huge group of people and it was actually

big enough that it was mostly kind of fans, right? It was like one of the biggest theaters. And there's a moment in The Hunger Games, obviously this is a game where children compete

to the death as part of a political system that makes no sense. But there's a moment in the first movie where the quote bad kids yeah almost but do not successfully kill a good kid and then one of the bad kids dies and the whole crowd went crazy with applause because the right kid died and i had this epiphany in this moment where i was like, oh my God, these people aren't watching a movie about the Hunger Games. They're just watching the Hunger Games.

They're not reacting with any ironic distance. They just live in the capital. You know what I'm saying? I know exactly what you're saying. Was it the scene where PETA paints himself like mud and then just lies there? I believe it involved, I want to say Rue. Oh, Rue, yeah, that was sad.

Rue lives in one of the kind of kids from the rich city. Didn't you want the mean kids to die, though? But see, you're not, but that's the point, but that's the point. At least with Squid Game, they don't do that.

With Squid Game, you understand that the only way to win is not to play, but in Hunger Games, sometimes you're like, you fuckers want some of these kids to die. They're not villains. They're kids.

They're trying to kill people, though. They are. They all are trying to kill each other. Follow up. Is it morbid to get Squid Game merch? Do you think it's a cool thing to wear a sweatshirt with that number in the center?

I ordered the tracksuit for Halloween. Final question. Are you ready to play our squid game? All right. Yeah, yeah. Let's go. I have hand-selected an array of classic children's games using the sophisticated rubric of not wanting to fall off the stage and die.

If you lose, you have to submit yourself to a punishment worse than death, embarrassing yourself on Twitter. Oh, that's not... I do that every day. Specifically, if you lose this game, you must tweet at Jessica Chastain, just wanted to say you were excellent in Arrival. Rewatching now, and honestly, wow.

The star of Arrival was obviously A.V. Adams. How humiliating this might be. However, if you lose, it is I who must embarrass himself. Are you ready? I'm ready. Game number one is rock, paper, scissors. Best two out of three. Here we go. Okay, wait. Hold on. Rock, paper, scissors, shoot.

Rock, paper, scissors, shoot. Just letting people know the first one tied with two scissors. Now he just won. It's 1-0. It's an audio medium. He had a rock versus one scissor. Did not think about the audience. It's audio medium, everybody. Audio medium, everybody. It is 1-0.

Jason is winning. Rock, paper, scissor, shoot. I lost. It was paper. Let's do it. I'm going to do it. Here we go. We're going to do it in real time. Hold on. Starting a new tweet. At Jessica Chastain. Oh my God.

Just watching Arrival. Yes. You are amazing in it. Wow, what a performance. Will you do the little emoji with the star eyes? Yep. I'm gonna do, I'll do the heart eyes. Okay, the star eyes. Yep. I'm going to do... I'll do the hard eyes.

Okay, the hard eyes. Oh, my God. Two hard eyes. Oh, God. Here we go. Tweeted it. Fuck. Yes!

Wow. Wow. This capitalism is rapacious. You're going to get a mean email from her reps. Oh, no. But I love Jessica Chastain. I'm fucked. Next.

Let us begin game number two. It's time for musical chairs. Whoever loses must tweet in the sincerest tone possible. People gave the Joker movie a lot of shit, but maybe that's just because it's a social commentary made people uncomfortable. If I had tweeted that, people would not blink. It would be like a normal thing for me to tweet.

What about the Joker had a point? The Joker had a point. And by the way, parens, the Joker had a point. That was a pretty hot set the Joker did at the comedy club. We got to put a chair in the middle. One chair? Well, if it's two chairs, it's pretty easy. Let the music

begin. It was love it. It was love it. It was love How many times around?

Damn it. All right, shit. That was so quick. He moves like a cat. You laid down for that one. Did you not? Come on. I felt like you could have done it, John.

I'm a good host. Joker was my favorite film of the last decade. Of the last decade. Can't believe how long it has stuck with me. Honestly, changed how I see lonely people. Oh, wow. Lonely men. Lonely men.

Hashtag who's crazy. It's like after midnight on the East Coast. It's on. It's tweeted. It's tweeted. It's tweeted. All right. Fuck.

You're going to have a whole new fan base after that one. Absolutely brutal. Jason, it is time. I honestly think playing to the death might have been better. It's time for our final game, game three. We're changing the rules to make it harder for you to win in the spirit of Squid Game. Also, I don't want to embarrass myself anymore.

Here's what's going to happen. I'm going to have you take a drink from your water bottle while you're drinking from the water bottle, actively drinking. I'm going to tell you a joke, and if you cannot spit water out of your mouth in laughter or mightily disgust, then you will go home a winner. If you lose,

you have to tweet, at John Lovett inspires me to be a better version of myself every day. Thank you thank you John for everything you do now here's the thing I have the joke right what's the hard thing I have to tweet oh my goodness the real squid game is the friends you make along the way

so here's the deal I have the joke right here I honestly think I can't say it on a podcast so what's going gonna happen is i'm gonna move my chair a little bit closer okay hold on let me just think of joe mansion with his shirt off i'm gonna i'm gonna put my mic down and i'm gonna tell jason a joke and he while he's drinking water and if he can get through it without laughing and spitting water he wins wins. But if not, he has to tweet that. Are you ready, Jason? Here we go. Fuck!

I'm fucked! He did it! Am I canceled? Am I disappearing? You know something I've never done? What? I've never forgotten. I guess I'll tweet one more thing.

Jason Concepcion taught me how to be a man. Teaches me how to live a good life. And I think Last Jedi is bad. It's okay. No. It's okay. It's okay. I tweeted it. Guys, I want to thank Jason Concepcion for being here for the last episode of Love It or Leave It.

We're shutting it down. You've won the squid game, Jason. I guess I'm dead. Oh, no. I've got to delete those tweets right after this episode. I'm fucked. I really thought I could get him with that evil 9-11 joke. I'm sorry, I really thought I could get him with that harmless joke about Republicans.

Thank you to Jason for being here. When we come back, we've got more show. And we're back. Please welcome back to the stage Chris Kattan and Jason Concepcion. Chris and Jason are back because it is time for the rant wheel. You know how it works. We spin the wheel wherever it lands. We rant about the topic.

This week on the wheel, we have the kidney lady. We have kids with friends. We have baseball stadium sizes. We have the debt ceiling. We have Squid Kidney Lady. We have Kids with Friends. We have Baseball Stadium Sizes. We have the Debt Ceiling. We have Squid Game Subtitles. We have Daylight Savings Time. We have AT&T funding OAN. And we have the video game Outer Wilds.

Let's spin the wheel. Oh! It has landed on The Kidney Lady. Oh. This is about Dawn Dorland, who donated a kidney and then wanted some support for her incredibly generous act from a writing community, and Sonja Larson, a successful fiction writer who used some pieces of Dawn's story

to write a piece of fiction that looked at white saviorism and some other issues. It led to a very long story in the New York Times. Here's the correct view on this. One, what Dawn did is incredibly generous. Two, it seems like there's something missing in her life that led her to seek validation from a community she wanted entrance to, but wasn't granted because they didn't view her as

talented or worthy as they did others. That is sad, but that is life. Three, Sonia Larson, free to use things in the world to create her fiction, to build a world fictionally based on things she experiences in her life. She probably shouldn't have quoted the letter directly. She flew a little too close to the sun. But even that is a form of satire. She wasn't stealing the creativity of another person. She was using someone's real experience to inform and satirize through her work. Four, as part of this, we got to see private text messages

between Sonia Larson and her friends. Any person who judges those private text messages should shut the fuck up. Oh, they were a little mean and a little caustic about someone they never thought in a million years would ever see that. God help us if none of your texts are half as bad as that. We all better get pretty fucking comfortable with the fact that we're all talking all the time. If we have zero privacy and total records all the time, we better get pretty fucking comfortable with the fact that people are more honest when they're in private than we're in

public. And I think that is perfectly fucking fine. And Dawn is the villain and it's tough to donate a kidney and still be the villain in the story. Do you know how hard that is? Do you know how much you have to fuck up giving a kidney to become the villain in the story of giving the kidney? It's very difficult. I think it's a really cool thing that she got that far. Agree or disagree, Jason? I mildly disagree. Let me just say, first of all,

I would be the person in the group chat that was like, oh, did she donate a kidney? I've never heard of that. I had no idea. That said, the author knew that she was plagiarizing because she said, I'm directly plagiarizing, and then she changed the letter. Yes. So here's what I would say. She's a professional writer, and she knew that she shouldn't have done that. So I think it's a subtle distinction because if she was copying a fictional letter inside of a fictional letter she was writing, that would be pure plagiarism.

But there is something about seeing something so exact and capturing a feeling that you want to convey through your fiction that you, as a kind of satire and wink, quote it directly. She quoted it directly and then changed it. Well, she changed it because she got a lawsuit from a person who was pretty wild and out. No, I think she changed it the first time pre-lawsuit because she knew it was a direct... She says in her correspondence, which again, none of us should have ever been able to see, that it was too good. She couldn't

stop herself. But then eventually she did. Now, what about this though? Hit me. Post- lawsuit, she changes the sign-off to kindly, which is the way the woman always signs off on her missives. That was mean. I don't want to live in a world where people can't be that

kind of trolly, alright? That's why they compared her to Raven Carver, you know what I'm saying? Everybody came off looking really bad in that. See, I don't agree. I don't agree. I think Dawn came off looking generous but fucked up, and Sonia kind of got out with just a ding. Just a real kind of, it was a fender bender for Sonia. It was a car wreck for Dawn. Dawn's car is totaled. Sonia's car from one side looks perfect. Let's spin it again. It has landed on Kids with Friends or Friends with Kits.

Yes. And it was suggested by Chris Kattan. Whoa. Thank you. Well, it's only because I suggested it because it's been a recent situation for me that I don't have a child in my life and I'm not in a marriage. And I realized that almost all my friends are married and have children. And it's just hard to connect with them at a certain time when there's a child in the background. They say like, my office is now at home, but it's not, that's not a good idea.

Yeah. Cause then your kids at work with you. There's a fucking kid in the background. And you're talking on Zoom or something. And you're like, so let's go over these notes. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And then they're like, oh, he did a little poop. I'm like, who are you talking to? Maybe you.

It's possible. I do poop when I... When you're giving notes. When I'm on Zoom. When you're getting notes. That's true. When I give notes. When I give notes, when I get notes. When I get and give notes. getting notes That's true When I give notes When I give notes

When I get notes When I get and give notes Yes that's true I do poop Well you know what I mean Like it's very distracting It's like The only way to communicate now

Obviously Well not the only way But the most common way And the most comfortable way Is through Zoom Chat And there's a lot of distraction Going on in people's lives

In somebody's home Yeah So it's like It's not the same. And there's something about communicating in person. Yes. That is like this. This is better.

Look how much. There's no delay here. Look at this. Look at this rhythm. We're not zooming right now. We're not zooming. We're back and forth. We're like.

It's alive with tension. Yeah. Them. No, but you know what I mean? Like, it's like, I do miss communicating with someone. Well, I miss when there was a life when your spaces told you what you were supposed to be like. You know what I mean? Like, this is a space where I'm working.

This is a space when I'm home. That's what I mean. Like, the separation has now become the same thing. The office now has a child. And every time I call, like, an agent, you explain COVID. And I'm like, why are you explaining COVID to me? And he said, no, no, no. My seven-year-old is asking why my office is

no longer there. Right. And that's troubling because it's, A, you want to have a good conversation with the agent, and B, it's worrisome to find out that agents are reproducing. You know what I mean? It's like, my goodness. That's also distracting. It's hard to think about. He should stop. My agent should not have any children.

That should be written down. Agents should not have any children. That should be written down. Agents should not have children. Managers should not have families. They should be alone. They should be alone and grinding it out. It should be about money and nothing else. They should have empty, soulless existence. That's right.

The only thing they think about. I'm the one who's supposed to have a family. You're supposed to have a family. And I don't have a fucking family. And you don't have a family. These agents are going out there with strollers. They're fucking to have a family. And I don't have a fucking family. And you don't have a family. These agents are going out there with strollers. They're fucking families with strollers and they're in the park. And you don't have a family.

These fucking creeps. Why would we go that far? They're creeps. They have families. And you don't. They're like, if Alec Baldwin were an agent. I ate children. Every day Alec Baldwin shows up're agents. Eight children.

Every day Alec Baldwin shows up with a new kid. He won't stop fucking. Some of those kids are six months apart. They are. And all she does is do yoga. His wife. A lot of yoga. She does yoga and then comes back and they fuck. And then she goes off and does yoga again.

Yeah. And that's his office. And that's his office. He's like, let me do a Zoom chat. I'm fucking my wife. And I'll tell you another thing. I see before me two possibilities. A future with kids and then a future

being a fancy gay person with no kids. I'm not into either. You know what I mean? Yes. I do. Can we talk more about Alec Baldwin? Sure. No, I do. Can we talk more about Alec Baldwin? Sure. No, I don't want to. That's the problem with agents and their kids.

That is the problem. Well, I just think, well, also, this particular person was an editor. And he was, like, called between this time and this time. And his baby was, like, and he was, like, whoa. I was, like, what's going on now like It's like his baby. I said my baby finally turned over like flipped over. I'm like what it's in a waffle like Like you know babies like on its back is like Like that and then as he's like yay

Like what the fuck yeah talking about the script ding-dong like that. And then he's like, yay! Like, what the fuck? We're talking about the script. Ding dong. Babies, dreams, and fancy dinners have this in common, which yours is interesting to you and no one else. You know what I mean?

That's true. I mean, it is a little bit selfish, what I'm saying. No, I don't think so. If I had a child, if I had a child, it was like, okay, I gotta go. It's 7 p.m. I have to go nurse my kid or something. Yeah. Which I'm saying. No, I don't think so. If I had a child, it was like, okay, I gotta go. It's 7pm.

I have to go nurse my kid or something. Which I always do. Will do. I can't wait. I might make that mistake. Hopefully my wife will go, you're not supposed to be doing that. This is somebody else's job. That's right. Save that for the office.

Let's spin it again. It has landed on baseball stadium sizes. And I believe this was suggested by Jason. It was. So I was watching the Yankees-Red Sox wildcard game. I'm not a fan of either team. But it's just kind of bullshit that the Red Sox can be like, we're just going to build a 50-foot wall on one side.

Why aren't all these stadiums uniform? Right. The other thing is you score by hitting the ball out, and they're actively just building a wall that won't let you do that? Right. Why don't they have a net? Yeah. Like a golf place.

Why is this allowed? Like what if the Lakers were just like, okay, we're going to have one side of the court is all mirrors that just shine in the opponent's eyes. And then the basket is 13 feet and the backboard is like this big. It's like a third of the size. And that's fine because we began our sport in like 1880 when nobody had like uniform measurements. Why is this the case? I remember when I first heard as a child

that the field in different stadiums were different sizes and it was to this day one of the most shocking things I've ever heard. It shocks the conscience. It's absolutely shocking. They're getting bigger too. They're getting bigger. And they keep redoing them. And they keep redoing them.

Because of the economy. Because of the economy. Because of the economy. We need to make a bigger stadium. They got to get more people in there. They're like, this city needs to fucking grow. And they build it. They're like, that's a new stadium. That's exactly how they say it in the meeting, too.

This fucking city must grow. Oh, yeah. And they're like, what are we going to do about it? Let's fix the city. Let's build another fucking stadium. Whoa, you got that. That's it. Today on the docket for the city council,

on one side, 20 schools. On the other side, a loge level. The Astros have like on the outfield, there's like a hill. The outfielder has to run up a hill to catch the ball. I think that's cool.

That one I support. I like that. I think it should be confusing and dangerous. And then the other part of it is, and this is more the culture of the game, and I get it, but why is a major part of the sport just a guy being like, that looked good, that was in there, I think that's a strike just on by my eye.

Yeah. Yeah. We got computers now. Yeah, like that looked close. I think that that's in. And now you're a champion. Did you see the game last night? I did see it. I didn't. I couldn't find the damn thing. I have a view of the stadium

and I couldn't get it on my channel. And I was like, did they win? And then I hear fireworks. I go, okay, I guess that was it. I couldn't get it on my channel. And I was like, did they win? And then I hear fireworks. I go, okay, I guess that was it. I didn't get to see the game. I go, poof, poof, poof, poof. I was like, oh, that's how I get to know scores. Let's spin it again.

It has landed on the debt ceiling, and obviously... Oh, that's hilarious. And here's what I want to say about... That's so good to talk about right now. It is so... Let's get on that one. I can't wait. Can I go?

I seriously asked my mom before I did this show. I said, I'm not going to talk about that. She said, bring that up. It's almost like a crutch when you have the debt ceiling. It's so funny. Yeah, it's my thunder road. You know what I mean? Thunder road?

It's my go-to. Here's what I wanted to say about the debt ceiling, which is this. I don't like it. Here's the thing. In a lot of movies movies there'll be a moment where some character is paranoid and being blackmailed

and the character will go to the bad guys and say hey just so you know if anything happens to me I have a automatic thing set up where every three days I don't respond to Jen, Jen triggers a switch and the school blows up and all

the money you've been hiding blows up. Maybe probably not a school if it's the hero. The vault blows up. The stadium. The stadium blows up. That's empty because the hero is doing this in the story. That happened in Batman. The stadium blew up, remember? It did. It did happen. I'm going to blow up

the stadium. That's exactly right. That did happen in A Dark Knight Rises. Exactly true. It was an amazing shot. It was in one shot. They shot it over a period of 18 years. Shot it over 18 years. People don't know that.

It took 18 years to get that shot. Just like Forrest Gump. It took about eight years to shop around that script. It took 26 years to make Forrest Gump and A Dark Knight Rises. People don't know about that. Those are the largest movie made films ever. There are kids that were born at the beginning of those two films that actually went to Afghanistan.

It's one of those situations. The point is, in those movies, it's like, if everything's okay, the thing doesn't blow up. But if I ever forget to press the button, things go wrong. Why do we have have at the heart of global finance a little button that if you forget to press, everything falls apart? That if you don't remember to defuse the bomb every couple of months, everything blows up. Because if you've seen any movie where there's any kind of trigger such as this introduced in the first act like Chekhov's

gun, it's going to destroy the global economy. The worst thing about it is it's literally the only irrational thing about our government. Again, can I go? I don't want to talk about this.

Can I put on my bird costume? No. That segment is over. It was perfect and it is done. I want to redo some. I thought about it again. I like upping the difficulty on the rant wheel where every 10 seconds or so,

Chris Kattan asked to leave. Guys, give it up for Chris Kattan, Jason Concepcion. That was so funny that was awesome when we come back we'll end on a high note and we're back now it is time for the high note because we're live we've had members of the audience submit their high notes. I have them here. We are looking for Sam and Emma. Hello. They're up front. They're up front.

We have Kendra with the mics. Hi, Sam and Emma. What's your high note? Do we have to read it? Well, it's your life. I assume you could just say it. I could read it, but I think if I read it, I don't need you. You see what I mean?

And why have us say it twice? So we had just moved to Los Angeles for school, and we went to one of your shows with Governor Jay Inslee at it, which was, like, I think almost two years ago. Yeah. And this is our very first show back, like, in person. I think it's, like, our first live thing we've done at all. And we actually met at your show, like for the very first time.

Yeah. And now we're here. That's awesome. Together after two years. And now you're best friends? We're best friends. How do you feel about this, Emma? You think you're best friends?

Is that accurate? That's accurate. Yeah. Yeah. Let's go to Sam F. Hi, Sam. You're a middle school history teacher? I am. Let's go to Sam F. Hi, Sam. You're a middle school history teacher? I am.

What's your high note? My high note is that my kids are doing a trial of Christopher Columbus. Yeah, it's going well. I saw that trial on The Five. It's going real well. The student who is representing Columbus, obviously very difficult job that he has there, stood up day one to defend himself and said,

I guess you could call me the Elizabeth Holmes of the 1400s. That's a fun little connection to current day news. I thought so. I'm going to have to think about it. It's a sophisticated metaphor. Yeah. I'm going to try to figure out those connections, but thank you for sharing that. He really tried. Great job, Sam. Thanks. Middle school teacher. Where is Rahim from Philadelphia? Hi, Rahim. Hi, John. So what's your high note? So I am 33. My parents have been married for 32 years. And they live in India. I live here. And they have never gone on vacation. My whole life, every summer vacation, we wouldn't go

anywhere. And if we went anywhere, we would be to my grandmother's house. My family has no concept of holidays, fancy clothes, shopping. They have no hobbies. Everything my family's ever done in terms of spending money has been for food and books for me. And then they sent me to America for studies and like now I live here. And after 32 years of marriage, my father called me three weeks ago and said,

you know, Rahim, for your mother's birthday in October, I think we will go to the Maldives. Wow. Going to make that first vacation count. That's cool. Oh, my God. It's crazy.

You can say hi to Gwyneth. And so I got on Zoom and I shared my screen on Google Chrome and I opened Google Earth and I showed them the Maldives. Did they sponsor this? He didn't know where they were. The Maldives. I showed it to him on the map. I'm like, Dad, this is where you're going. Let me help you pick a hotel. This is how you fly. They're going next week

and I'm very happy about it. That's so nice, Rahim. Thank you. Next up, we have a high note from Ronnie. What's your high note, Ronnie? Okay. My high note is that government works. I'm a choreographer. I'm a woman-owned business. I teach kids dance. And I was really freaked out during COVID because a lot of dance studios were closing. I've been in business a long time, and I didn't know if I was going to get any financial help. So the recall election occurred, and I highly encourage people to vote for Los Angeles County, California elections.

Because Gavin Newsom didn't get recalled, there was this money there for COVID relief. There was this money there for COVID relief. I got right under the wire. And everybody told me it was going to take 30, 60 some odd days to get my government grant for my business. I got it in three days, 72 hours. That's great, Ronnie. It's amazing. Yeah.

So thank you. Thank you. Let's do one more. Let's go to Kristen.in i love it um so my high note is that after spending uh the pandemic and the 2020 election living with a fox news watching q anon conspiracy believing roommate two weeks ago i moved into an apartment by myself. And it's fucking awesome. And thank you for helping me get through that. Because I drowned out a lot of Fox News with Love It or Leave It. That's cool.

Thank you for that high note. And thank you all for coming out. That's our show. Thank you to Phoebe Robinson, Chris Catan, Jason Concepcion, Wilson Cruz for that amazing song and everybody who left behind it. I'm sorry we couldn't get to them all. There are 394 days until the 2022 midterm election. Have a great, less days than you thought, have a great weekend and I'll see you next week. Thank you.