Lovett or Leave It - Lovett in Wonderland

Episode Date: August 20, 2022

Depressed by the prospect of turning 40 and losing his youthful optimism about politics, Lovett chases Pundit into Wonderland in this week’s fully scripted, extremely experimental episode of Lovett or Leave It. America’s Cheshire Cat Kyrsten Sinema (Kylie Brakeman) gets Lovett even more lost, while CerberusXM demands ad reads… from Hades! Lovett plays court jester to Red Queen Kamala Harris (Allison Reese), and attempts to answer the Neoliberal Riddles of The Sphinx. Nancy Pelosi the Caterpillar (Michaela Watkins) offers him a nibble of her moderate mushroom. Lovett gains strength from historic Bavarian gay rights advocate Henry Gerber (Sam Pancake), which he’s going to need to survive the Unsurrection Tea Party (Danielle Perez, Bryan Safi, Brendan Scannell, Max Silvestri, and Kel Cripe.) In the end, Jon Favreau and Tommy Vietor give Lovett the advice he needs to survive until 2024. After that? Well, we’re gonna need a bigger mushroom. For a closed-captioned version of this episode, click here. For a transcript of this episode, please email [e-mail] and include the name of the podcast. 

Hey guys, thanks for coming. I know this part of Griffith Park is like a little out of the way. Of course, buddy. Happy birthday. Wouldn't miss it for the world. Tom, are you eating salad out of a thermos? Yeah, I just wasn't confident that the food here would be edible. No offense? No, no. That was smart. That was good thinking. Here we go. Love, is everything okay? You barely made fun, no. That was smart. That was good thinking. Here we go. Lovett, is everything okay? You barely made

fun of Tommy's salad thermos. I'm over the hill, and the American experiment is a shambles. Yeah, those are definitely two equally important problems that belong in the same sentence. I'm sorry, let me get this straight. Are you worried about how you're aging or how America's aging? It's hard to say, John. I care so deeply about both.

What was that? Sorry, when you talk like this, my eyes roll so hard it makes a sound. I'm just saying, sometimes it's hard to keep going. If losing an election in a democracy means the end of democracy, does that mean we have to feel like this forever, like we're always on edge? When does that change? Can we keep this up? And is it worth it? Does it matter? We went from Trump into a pandemic, into an insurrection, into a midterm, where half the Republican candidates think vote by mail makes you trans. We fight so hard and we even win more votes and it just feels like we're going backwards. Or you're just hungry. No, it's not that. I already stressed ate a whole stack of Taco Bell Mexican pizzas. I do not think it helped. Wait, the ones that were on the picnic table?

Yeah, yeah. There were like 10 of them. Oh my God. Oh, fuck. All right. Here it comes. Judgment from my two best friends, the Burpee brothers. Yeah, I ate ten Mexican pizzas, one for every leap year I've experienced. It's my party, and I'll live mas if I want to. No, it's not that, Lovett. Those Mexican pizzas all had mushrooms on them. Yeah, we thought it would be a fun birthday treat, but each person was supposed to have, like, a slice. Oh, sure, like either one of you would ever eat a single bite of Taco Bell without a gun to your head. Of course not.

Emily hides my mushrooms in a slice of cheese. The way it works is, I just think it's cheese. I know, you're just fucking with me about the mushrooms. And besides, I have to go walk Pundit. Love it, we are dead serious. Guys, you're overreacting. I'm completely fine. Isn't that right, Ruth?

I think he's talking to Ruth Bader Ginsburg. Shit, she ran off. She ran off. I'll be back in a bit. Ruth, Ruth, we've got to get Pundit. Wait, no, stop, please. Come back. Don't do it.

Pundit, come back. Come on, Pundit. Pundit. Pundit, where did you go? I've never been so deep in Griffith Park before. These succulents are the size of buildings. I'm sure Tommy and John were kidding about these mushrooms. I'd surely be feeling it by now. Oh, hello down there! What? Wait a sec, who said that? Where is that coming from? Up here, in the cactus.

Oh. Hello. A lot of people told me not to sit in the cactus, but that's just the kind of quirky maverick I am, I guess. I don't care how many needles are jammed in my ass, and there are quite a few. Nobody tells me what to do. Okay, well, listen. All right, my name is John, and I'm looking for my dog.

Did you see where my dog went? She's this adorable golden doodle. She has a very delicate constitution. She can't eat chicken. That wouldn't have come up, but she's very cute. Have you seen a golden doodle? It's a dog you don't adopt. So you see dogs that look like they were adopted. This is a dog that was

clearly not adopted, you know? Made by science for money. This one is like that. Very cute. Have you seen it? Well, maybe I did, maybe I didn't. What's your hurry, bitch? You want a glass of John McCain All Day Rosé? It's from my summer

internship. They let me name some of the wines myself. Wait a minute. I know you. Oh, no. It's Arizona Senator Kirsten Sinema. It's me. Or is it? Take a good long look, John. Goodbye, bitch.

Oh my, what? She disappeared. All that's left is a floating pair of red glasses that scream, I'm a quirky middle school art teacher talks a little bit too much about how sexual I was in the 70s. Oh, relax, I'm back. You can't get rid of me that easily. I'm not up for re-election until 2024.

And what are the progressives going to do then? Primary me? Yeah, we are. Probably. You're pretty unpopular. And you got censured by the Arizona Democrats for blocking voting rights legislation. Oh, didn't you get censured by the Arizona Democrats? Feather in my cap, you sweet little man who looks thinner than before but kind of has that thin person face that screams, Oh, you'll gain it back, like her body's fighting it? Jesus, where did that come from? Oh, only you get to write wordy observations based on someone's appearance?

These glasses were a gift from Larry Fink. The point is, I saved the climate with my pal Joe Manchin. Shouldn't I be your hero now? All it took to get my vote was a teeny little compromise to protect a completely unjustifiable tax break for some of the richest people on Earth. You have to give a little to get a little, my darling boy. I am not, excuse me.

I am not your darling boy. You are very, you know, you're very frustrating, all right? You don't make a lot of sense, and you're playing games while democracy's on the line. Oh, all you two online progressives are all the same. Democracy is in crisis. Trump is a wannabe fascist. The world is warming. The economic policies of the last 30 years have hollowed out half the country and made the other half unavoidable. Social media combines the worst aspects of feeling isolated and the worst aspects of feeling trapped in a crowd.

And altogether, it's created some kind of perma-anxiety that will eventually break us or the country or both. Yeah, yeah, that was all true. You said it in a weird voice, but it was all true. Tee hee hee. Stop disappearing. How are you doing this? Ooh, where am I, John? Am I here in Griffith Park?

Am I at a high-dollar fundraiser in Scottsdale with America's worst father-in-law? Am I able to be in both places at once because I'm bisexual? I don't think bisexual people have powers, do they? You've never heard of bi-invisibility? Yeah, I've heard of it. I thought it meant something else. Am I crazy? Well, it doesn't.

Do better. Well, okay. You know what? I am listening, and I am learning. Senator, I really didn't come here to talk to you about politics. I'm just trying to find which direction my dog went. Did you see which way Pundit went? Mmm, I would love to tell you. It's one of my highest priorities. Unfortunately, my hands are tied until I hear back from the Senate Parliamentarian. But this has nothing to do with the Senate. This isn't Senate business. This is just a lost dog. Can't help you, John. The Parliamentarian and I have a hot Dom sub thing happening and I want to see where it leads.

Sorry for not busting out a thumbs down curtsy. I'm impaled on the cactus. But please know that that is the vibe. You know, I don't know why I thought you'd be helpful. I don't know why I expected anything different from you. Oh, John. Johnny, my darling boy. Why do you dislike me so much? Because you are the fucking worst. Your politics don't even make any sense.

Mark Kelly is an astronaut. He votes the right way on everything. He went to fucking space. You're there in Arizona making a mess. You're the fucking worst. You're the worst. Oh, boo-hoo. Do you really think I'm the worst? Is it because of that? Or is it because I'm really just you, but in a better skirt? First of all, nobody thinks that. No one thinks your Lisa Frank-ass skirts are better than my skirts. And we can put it on a Twitter poll. We can put it wherever you want, but that's fucking horseshit. Anyway, point is, I am nothing like you, Arizona Senator Kyrsten Sinema.

Oh, no? You've never been called a neoliberal shill? Well, of course I have. But those are just trolls. It doesn't mean anything. I'm progressive. So was I until I hit my 40s. I used to criticize the filibuster and call Joe Lieberman pathetic.

I was a Green Party activist and a socialist, and now I'm this. Say, you're just about 40 now, aren't you? I'm not going to become like you. All right, it has nothing to do with age. Look at Bernie Sanders or James Cromwell. He's 82, and he glued himself to that Starbucks. Weird example, but still, he did it. Hmm, wouldn't it feel so good to give up?

Wouldn't it feel so nice to lie down in the tub with a bottle of bad bipartisan bitch red blend and just stop trying? No, it wouldn't be nice. I don't want that. I don't want to be like you. Admit it, John. We're the same. The only difference is I'm loving life, giving thumbs up and thumbs down to stuff. You're just walking around with a perpetual stomachache.

No, no, enough of this. I just need to find Pundit and get back to my birthday party. Suit yourself, John. But it won't be long now. I'll see you at one of Joe Manchin's houseboat orgies soon, John. Wait a second, Senator. Don't, don't, don't disappear. I just need to understand how you became like this so I can do the opposite.

Please. Where'd you go? I just see the glasses again. She's gone. She's invisible. Arizona Senator Kyrsten Sinema has once again become invisible. I guess I'll just keep going. Hello, John.

Wait. Brian, Kendra, Hallie, what are you all doing here? As three heads on a giant dog? John, sorry, we came because we need to read some ads. Wait, we have to do ad reads now? For our new sponsors, John. We have to read them so that we can stream the pod on ServerSXM. No, please read them, for God's sake.

Yeah, can you read the first one? Come on. All right, all right, here we go. Love It or Leave It is brought to you by Mean. Did you know that good sleep can cause happiness, healthiness, and generally an improved lifestyle? Not many people realize this, but having a consistent nightmare routine is so important. A hellish tomorrow starts tonight.

Introducing Mean Dream. Today, our listeners get a discount on a brand new flavor of Mean Powder. My teeth are falling out caramel. Tastes just like the helpless feeling of falling forever, but with only 8 million calories. Worst sleep has never tasted like just the burnt parts of toast.

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We don't have time. We have to get this all done. Cut that. Cut that, please. Love It or Leave It is brought to you by Rudy Giuliani. Just a dude making the world worse, Rudy Giuliani. Have you ever ridden the tails of a national tragedy for decades? Did you marry your cousin?

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I mean, we could use those. Hey, don't go anywhere. There's more of Love It or Leave It coming up. Oh, God, am i winded i have never felt fuller or higher and i saw interstellar at one of those theaters where they bring you chicken alfredo pasta in the second act of the movie under the cover of darkness oh a one friend try don't mind if do. A bowl of rum raisin ice cream? No spoon? I mean, I have standards, but I can't let this go to waste. Aviator sunglasses? Curiouser and curiouser.

Nevertheless, the K-Hive persisted. Oh, God, no, not the K-Hive. I'm in some kind of a trap. Wait a second. Is only one of you left? God, we are so fucked in 2024. Jesus Christ. We've caught him. The usurper in chief.

That old wrinkled freak bumbled right into our trap. Old wrinkled usurper in chief. I'm sorry. Do you think you've captured Joe Biden? I gotta say, he looks incredible for 79. What are you doing, man? Keto, fillers, intermittent fasting, pure uncut baby blood, whatever it is, it's working. Well, thank you.

Wait, no, wait, wait, I'm not Joe Biden. You must be him. You fell right into our Joe Biden trap. I am five foot seven and I radiate Jewish energy. Yeah, okay, granted, but our Botox detector went off. Shut the fuck up. Right now, just be quiet. Just say nothing else. Thank you.

She approaches. Da-da-da-da. Introducing Her Imperial Highness, Her Grace, Her Excellency, Maker of Herstory, the Queen of Our Hearts, Vice President Kamala Harris. And that little girl is me. Hello, Joe.

You could only send me to so many inaugurations of female presidents in countries with lower GDPs than us before I finally caught up with you. Okay, enough avoiding the subject. It's time for us to do what we have been doing. And that time is every day. It's time to talk 2024, Joe. Madam Vice President, there's been a terrible mistake. I'm so clearly not Joe Biden.

Okay, I see you. I hear you. So who are you? I'm John Lovett, Madam Vice President. We've actually, I see you. I hear you. So who are you? I'm John Lovett, Madam Vice President. We've actually, I'm sure you don't remember, but we've met a few times. I'm a humble comedian, a political pundit, if you will. Oh, we know you. We've heard whispers of you in deleted tweet screenshots.

This man is nothing but a bitter blue check Twitter bro. He means you criticism, Lady Kamala. Dare I say vicious words he would never direct at elizabeth warren hey hold on a sec i'm a straight shooter okay silence okay a twitterer a server of cyber snark i've heard enough i'm sick of standing around waiting for another 50 50 vote in the senate just to get in on a little action. Before I give a speech, and there's a little reflection on the teleprompter, and all of a sudden it's word solid o'clock. Okay.

It's about time someone decapitated you from your platform. A full Twitter suspension. Off with his check! Vice President Harris, please, please. Be reasonable. I need my blue check. How else will the social media managers of major airlines know the dire stakes of my public discomfort? Sorry, Jonathan. No more Mrs. Nice Vice. Off with his check. But wait, Madam Vice President, before you do something hasty, I've tweeted critical things in the past, but I'm on your side. I understand how hard your job is.

You're the vice president. The vice presidency was the worst job in politics before the Internet. Before, if you missed any missteps, they'd rip you apart. There's no reason to take away my blue checkmark, all right? It's like you have a famous—we're on the same team, you know? Hmm. So on your show, you do jokes, humor, and things of that nature. Oh, Kamala loves to laugh. Thanks for the context, gay hive representative, famous recognizer of humor and jokes. I love

comedy. And when I think of comedy, right, we're talking in terms of laughs. Okay. And that is what is so important. And I think that is why in terms of laughing now is the time to recognize what we need more than ever here and now, both today. Okay. And the day after that, and that is laughter. I'm sorry. What, what the fuck was that? I'll spare your check. If you can make me laugh with your little jokes. Just do your routine, don't mind me. Treat me like you would if I were just a normal nobody person. Okay. And your standard Joe Schmo audience member.

A mayor who became secretary of transport or something like that. And then if I do that, you'll let me live on Twitter. You'll live if you can make me laugh. And I know humor. I was on The Breakfast Club. All right, here we go. Okay, I can do this. I can do this.

Hold on. This is what I got my 10,000 hours in. All right? So you don't worry. All right, you're going to laugh. Hope you're ready to laugh. I hope you're ready to laugh, Vice President Kamala Harris. Hope you're ready to fucking lose your shit.

We'll see. Let's get into it. What a trip. The FBI executed a search warrant at Mar-a-Lago last week as part of an investigation into the classified documents that Donald Trump smuggled home from the White House. This sets a dangerous new precedent. If the FBI can raid a former president's beach compound, what are they going to raid next? His many other houses? Okay. All right. All right. I got more. All right. Don't worry about that one. That was just a warmup.

We're fine. Here we go. The news of the raid was initially broken on Twitter by a local Florida journalist who wrote, not sure what the search warrant was about. TBH, I'm not a strong enough reporter to hunt this down, but it's real. This is the kind of humble self-reflection I'd like to see from the rest of the media. Imagine David Brooks is halfway through writing a piece called, Did the FBI Just Re-elect Donald Trump? And he stops and asks himself, is this anything? Am I good at this? Imagine the world we could have. I'm listening. Here we go. Maybe the FBI didn't mean to even take them. Like maybe they were just in a box of Trump's confiscated keepsakes between a picture of Macron's penis and a picture of Macron's penis taken from a different angle. I'm going to die.

The Department of Justice subsequently denied Trump's claim that the FBI took his passports. I honestly feel for Trump. He just lost his passports in a move, and that's such a hassle. Hurt people hurt people, you know? Barely. A joke. All right, how about this one? We're going to have to edit some of these out.

On Saturday, Kentucky Senator Rand Paul called for the repeal of the Espionage Act, tweeting, it's long past time to repeal this egregious affront to the First Amendment. Donald Trump hasn't violated any laws, but also, why were the laws dressed like that? I see what that one is. The search warrant revealed that the FBI seized 11 sets of classified documents, which reportedly included nuclear secrets, and that Trump was under investigation for removal of destruction of records, obstruction of justice, and potentially violating the Espionage Act.

But that didn't stop Republicans from issuing furious attacks on law enforcement and Attorney General Merrick Garland. As a result, online threats against law enforcement have spiked. Last week, a Trump supporter tried to break into an Ohio FBI field office with an AR-style rifle and a nail gun. These people didn't just disappear. After January 6th, it's like when you see a bug in your house and you're not really emotionally equipped to deal with it, so you go sit in a different room for a while. When you come back, the bug is gone, but the bug isn't really gone.

You're going to see that bug again, but in the meantime, the bug joined a militia. It worked. she's laughing uh no but i have decided that some clown some jester such as you are is not worthy of my time for this is a time where we must use our time to a common purpose and common cause. Because down here, it is our time. It's our time down here that's all over the second we write up Troy's bucket. Wait a second. Is that Goonies?

It's Goonies. You may go, but do not forget the Kay Hive is watching K-Hive is watching. K-Hive is watching. Okay, thanks. I'm going to go, and thank you so much for freeing me, Vice President Kamala Harris. And I get why you want to trump off Twitter, but maybe also it was good.

We kind of saw how shitty he was constantly. Okay, bye. Traitor, get him. No, no, no. I'm out. I'm out. I'm out. Ah, funnily, I'm coming.

I'm coming. I'm coming. Feel. I'm safe from the'm out, I'm out. Ah, Pundit, I'm coming, I'm coming. Phew. I'm safe from the chaos. What a day this has been. I'm really ready to find Pundit to get home. I'm thirsty. I'm tired.

I've missed my midday secret drive-thru Shane McChicken. Maybe Pundit's on the other side of this roaring river. But how do I cross it? I'd swim, but I was afraid of taking my shirt off at the pool as a child, so I never learned how. There's nothing here except this big dumb monster with a woman's head, a lion's body, and giant wings standing in front of the only bridge. Good day, you neolib shill. Ah, what are you? Use your eyes, you neolib cuck.

Stop calling me a neolib. Do you have any snacks? If there was a man for snacks, they'd be here, you pathetic Obama bro. That's the way the free market works. But free markets don't always work. Take that back! Wait a second. You don't sound like the usual Sphinx. What are you? I am the ancient neoliberal Sphinx, not to be confused with the paleocon chimera, my lover and business partner. I guard this roaring river.

What's a neolib sphinx? Well, I have the head of a woman and the body of a lion and the heart of a metaglacius. I have to be honest, neolib sphinx, I don't even know what people mean when they say neoliberalism at this point. What does it mean? Neoliberalism isn't one thing, John. It's everything. It's an insult. It's a compliment. It's an ideology. It's a prison. And I am its guardian. It's Avatar.

And you know what? I don't even think the food in Italy is actually that good. Don't say that, Matt Iglesias. I mean, the Sphinx. You don't really believe it. That's just something a troll would say. You dreamt this up, John Lovett, perhaps out of guilt that you, yes, you, are neolib too. Am not. Are too. Am not. Stop.

In the first draft of this segment, you were supposed to say free markets don't work, but you edited it, didn't you? That is not fair. This is getting too meta. You added, and always, free markets don't always work, you neolib bitch. You love the free market. You're gay for capitalism. And I'm your subconscious taunting you with the truth.

I hate you, neolib sphinx. I would never dream up a creature like you. My sphinx would have the voice of Jonathan Groff, the body of an actor who is athletic, but you can tell us to work out really, really hard for a month before taking his shirt off so that most of the time they're hot, but it's not like a nightmare of ads in the face of, I don't know, like a Jonathan Groff type.

Using Groff twice was weird and telling, but let's keep moving. Okay. First, let me say this. I thought The Godfather 3 was the best one. No, you don't. Nobody thinks that. Stop saying that, you troll. You don't believe it.

Maybe I do and maybe I don't. Can you please let me cross the river? I have to get home. I will let you cross the bridge, John Lovett. Under one condition. Anything. You must answer these riddles three of the neolib sphinx. Okay, I love riddles.

What's something for everyone that no one will ever have? What would a neolib think something is for everyone, but no one would ever have? I know the answer. It's Medicare for all. Correct. It's one. Pretty smart, John Lovett. Yeah, thanks a lot. Cut that, cut that.

What can grow forever and still be too small? I know what a neolib would think. Answers that riddle. It's the defense budget. How about that? Pow, pow, John Lovett. We're the global policemen. Yeah, we are. Speak softly and carry a big gun. Yeah, exactly. 100% drones.

What walks on four legs in the morning, two legs at noon, and all three legs in the evening? Wait a second. I know this one too. This is Sphinx Classic. The answer is a person. Not the correct answer. The correct answer is, this is America, drive a car.

Okay. Please, Mr. Sphinx, I have to cross that bridge. My poor dog has been lost and it's almost sunset. That's Coyote O'Clock. And Pundit is a lover, not a fighter. I will let you cross on one different condition then. Admit that you love the free market. Admit it. No, I don't want to. Fuck. Okay. All right. Okay. Here we go.

Markets are flawed and broken because people are flawed and broken. But yeah, I'm a liberal, so I believe in social freedom and democratic freedom and economic freedom, even as I believe really strongly in protections by the government against abuse, exploitation, environmental destruction, and believe in unions and all the wealth created by free markets should be more than enough to guarantee every person a decent standard of living that respects their humanity and dignity, and I also like Cloud Atlas! Oh, no one liked Cloud Atlas! Magnificent, you may cross.

Thank you, Mr. Sphinx. Anytime! This is weird. I seem to be at some kind of quaint Germanic cottage. Maybe whoever lives here can help me. Or at least get me a towel. My body's been acclimated to air conditioning and the whole system is about to blow. One minute! What do you want?

Hey, wait, I know you. You're famous. Ah, at last. Some recognition. You're what's-his-name, Colonel Tom something, that creep from the Elvis movie. You were portrayed by Tom Hanks in a fat suit. Fat suit? My God. The indignities of this cursed place. Nine,

you don't recognize me? Oh, I can tell from your skirt that you are a homosexual man. You should know who I am. Where I'm from, just so you know, straight dudes have discovered skirts, but sure, gay. So wait, are you Augustus Gloop, all grown up? Enough! I am not the Willy Wonka boy who perishes in the river of chocolate.

I died in 1972, so I understand that reference, and I am highly offended. You know, I'm sorry. Maybe you should just tell me who you are. Oh, come inside. I will tell you a tale. I was born Heinrich Dietmar in Bavaria. But you must know me as Henry Gerber, Pioneer of Gay Rights. Oh, yeah, of course. Henry Gerber, Pioneer of Gay Rights. Yeah, I know who you are. Don't worry about that. Don't ask me any other questions.

But I know exactly who you are, so you should feel good about that. Hmm. Wow. All right. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. These new gays never want to meet Henry Gerber. He's always all-entering this and Marsha P. Johnson that. You'll even hear a request for a Frank Kameny. Sorry to disappoint. All I did was create America's first gay rights organization.

This does sound a little familiar. Yeah, the Society for Human Rights in 1924. In Chicago, right? Yeah, it did not work out. We published only a few newsletters before the police came. I lost my job, my life savings, everything. The organization disbanded. Little progress had been made for the cause when I died. In 1972? Yeah. Soon after the release of Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory? Yeah. I watched it. I am nothing like Augustus Gloop. In Bavaria, you're trained from birth on how to escape a chocolate river.

You know, it comes up more than you think. Let's just keep this moving. Why are you here? What is my mushroom-addled brain trying to tell me? You know, I came up with the idea for the society during a visit to Berlin. The city was very progressive in those days. Very gay and fun. So chill. Yeah, yeah. You would have loved it.

Just still going to love to keep this moving. All right. And then I watched it fall to the Nazis. I come to the U.S. and I try so hard to break through to people, to get them to question just a bit these assumptions they've always had. Oh, and it was impossible. Oh, it was hopeless. Well, Henry, I actually have some very good news.

In 2003, the Supreme Court struck down all the laws that criminalize gay sex. And in 2015, they actually legalized gay marriage. Your house in Chicago is actually an historic landmark. In the end, you won. Ah, very good. Oh, please tell me more of this wonderful Supreme Court. What have their exploits been since 2015? I can only imagine their wonderful pronouncements in your time.

2022. Uh, well, okay. Ah! No, kid, kid, I'm fucking with you, okay? I'm fucking with you, right? Okay, I know what's going on in your time. I've been there. It's a scheisse show. And scheiße,

it means shit. Oh, scheiße means shit. A scheiße shit show. Yeah, exactly. And what's show in German? Because you speak, you're from Germany. You must know what the word show is in German. Oh, the other side. Some words escaped me into German. I'm sure it'll come to you. But how do you know

what happened in my time? Like, how could you have been there? Okay, so after the police came and I was ostracized because I love the dick, I wandered for years. And what I did in those years is lost to history, like some of my German words. And that's because I was given a gift as a reward for my sacrifice. I was in Chicago in Grant Park despondent. I considered ending it all or, you know, just maybe fucking some guy to forget my troubles.

Sure. You know exactly the feeling. Of course. I know you understand that. Yeah, I get it. 100%. You know, it's a way to just wipe things of anything. Yeah, shake the ice or sketch, totally. Ooh, schnell, schnell.

That means quick in German, if you want to know. Anyway, I found myself shouting, what do I do? Why am I here? Oh, und, und suddenly I hear these noises rushing, whoosh, whoosh, whoosh, all around me. And do you know what the noises were? Were they angels?

Bird scooters. The scooters of the bird and the lime. Awful! I was suddenly transported to the future. And it was wonderful. Oh, men holding hands with the other men on the street.

A beloved lesbian named Ellen rode the airways with an iron fist. Moonlight won the Oscar. Eventually, it was worth it. We had struggled and we had fought and we got sick and we were ignored. And then we died and we lived and we fought and we won. And you're going to complain that America hasn't been on the glide path since Obama? Honey, honey, little Liebchen boy. Listen to me.

I am a gay Bahawachin immigrant born in 1892. 1892. Do the math if you can. I was committed. I was arrested. I was fired. I had to have the gay sex before body wash existed. Okay.

All right. I think I see what you're saying. I think I understand why my brain is giving me this information. Imagine the smells. Imagine the smells of the dirty bodies and the sex. Oof. Think about what it's like to be a Bavarian immigrant in Chicago in the teens. Just thinking about your soap options.

Yeah. Thinking about wool. Yeah. Thinking a lot about wool. Yeah. Wool is a big part of it. A little crab apple Delicious treat

Just a little crab apple Yeah, that's dessert A crab apple was a celebratory food Luxurious What a day We have crab apples A luxurious feast And one thing I do miss though

You little gay boy The Coca-Cola It still had fresh real cocaine in it Those days are gone That's true That is a loss That is a loss It was cool when you could go

to the local druggist and get heroin. Yeah. Give me the heroin. I'll go give it to my baby to make her sleep. I think I understand the message

you're trying to convey here. Good, good. We are not called upon to move the stone. Our calling is only to push. Now, let's gay you up a bit. Good luck on your quest, Lyle. Wait, I'm not...

I'm not Lyle. I know your hair very different. I judge. I joke. Yeah, you're the funny cartoon critic man. You say, it stinks, and so forth. Oh, the cartoon.

Ugh, all right. You know what? Thanks, Henry. I gotta go find, the cartoon. Ugh. All right. You know what? Thanks, Henry. I gotta go find my fucking dog. Bye. Don't go anywhere. This is Love It or Leave It, and there's more on the way. Pundit.

Pundit, please. I'm so tired, and there's just no way I'm finding the car again. Oh my... Oh my god, what is that? That mushroom is huge. And who is that perched on top? Sucking down what looks like a delicious hookah. No, it can't possibly be. It can't be.

Who are you? Nancy Pelosi? It's me, John Lovett. Oh! You won't remember me, but we had you on the pod a while back, and you came on and you cooked a dish, which is also an allegory for having to constantly swivel on a dime to get legislation passed. It looks like you're some kind of gigantic humanoid caterpillar now.

Well, yes, so good to see you in yet another allegory, John. This is actually my final form. I'm really enjoying it, but it's a bitch buying 20 pairs of color-coordinated pumps for every outfit. My gal at Saks hooks me up, though, doesn't she? I have to tell you, Madam Speaker, hooks me up, though, doesn't she? I have to tell you, Madam Speaker, this place is really strange. I hardly know if I'm coming or going. Oh, yes, it's terrifically queer here.

Do you mean queer like Strange, and you were born in 1940, or queer like Christina Aguilera performing in a green strap-on at L.A. Pride, which I'm still kicking myself that I missed because I was too hungover? Uh, both. Both, John. Both. Or neither. Whatever is the most practical.

Whatever actually gets something accomplished is what I'm saying. I see. Well, don't you get a little bit tired of having to pivot like this all the time? No, not at all, John. It helps me as much here as it does in D.C., which is why I feel at home in both. Never let grass grow under your feet, I always say, unless the grass growing lobby has a stranglehold or whatever you're trying to get past. In which case, you know, you do what you got to do. A little grass under your feet never hurt anybody. Well, I don't feel at home at all, Madam Speaker.

I feel completely lost. Of course you're lost, John. You think I haven't felt lost? You think I wake up every morning knowing today is the right day to get the kente cloth back from the cleaners? No! is the right day to get the kente cloth back from the cleaners? No!

Do you think I know the perfect poem to read out loud from the dozens of Bono emails every day? He's so prolific. These poems are basically how I find out breaking news. Wake up at 5 a.m., start wading through piping fresh Bono poems. But Madam Speaker, how can I find my way if I keep having to change course due to gigantic fungi and three-headed advertising dogs and scheming cat ladies? Well, you just need to eat from the gigantic mushroom I'm lounging on, John.

Well, I mean, I guess. I guess it looks extremely comfy, but I don't know that I can't eat anymore. At least for like, maybe like 20 minutes, I could eat again. Actually, now that I think about it, I could eat again. But anyway, the point is, it's my birthday. No, no, no, no, no, no, John. You just need a little nibble. If you eat from one side, you get more moderate. And if you eat from the other side, you become more progressive. Oh, brother. Hey.

Another one of these crazy mushrooms. What a strange thing. Oh, look at me. This is your hallucination, John. I know, but I guess I wanted to kind of like stick to your guns and say fuck them woodland snack, not like a moral compromise works mushroom. You know what I'm saying? Oh, I'm sorry, John. Is there another system of government in this country I'm not aware of? A different, I don't know, Republican Party that's not completely hellbent on making 95% of the country's populace desperate, sick, and miserable? John, some easy, fun, hip way to pass laws and allocate funds against the expressive desire of an entire

political party that I'm just too cringe to know about, John? Please, please enlighten me, John. No, I guess you're right. There isn't some other magical way. I know I'm not cool, John. I know. I'm not in the squad or whatever you want to call it. And sometimes that hurts. But then I remember, we live in a politics that has walls. And those walls have to be guarded by women like me

who are willing to do what it takes, who's going to do it, huh, you, the armchair quarterbacks on Pod Save America? I have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom, John. You weep for Jessica Cisneros, and you curse Henry Cuellar. You have that luxury. You have that luxury of knowing what I know. That Cisneros' loss, while tragic, probably saved seats in my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saves our majority. task and incomprehensible to you saves our majority. Okay, I get that being speaker means taking hits for members, but why endorse someone who's anti-choice now after all we've been through?

I just don't get it. Because it is my job to be the villain, to do what you couldn't, to support every ghastly incumbent so that I can count on their votes when I need them. Even if sometimes they don't listen. You don't want the truth because deep down in places you don't talk about on Twitter, you want me on that wall. You need me on that wall, John. Maybe I need more mushrooms. This will make sense. I don't know. Say, isn't that your dog?

Is that Pundit? Pundit, please, wait. Madam Speaker, thank you so much for talking to me in your caterpillar form, sitting on top of a giant mushroom while using a hookah, a mushroom that if you eat from one side, it makes you centrist.

If you eat from the other side, it makes you more progressive. What a strange mushroom. Thank you so much for your time. I'm going to go. Bye, John. You know what? Just call me Nancy, please. Really? I can call you Nancy? Absolutely not. Who do you think you are?

Piece of crap. Get out of here. Get the fuck out of my office, please. Now, somebody wipe down that door. Oh, did he touch anything else? I can't with this guy. Ugh, I've got love- it juice all over the place. I have to get out of here. I am so tired. I don't know how much more of this I can take. Pundit, please.

I'm begging you, girl. I'm so parched. If only I had a frosty glass of delicious athletic greens. Hey, buddy. How about some tea, buddy? Matt Gates. What the hell is this? Is this another insurrection? Why is it that everyone who thinks they know an insurrection

looks like a thumb? It's not an insurrection. It's an unsurrection. Marjorie Taylor Greene, well, I mean, you can say it's not, but I see a makeshift gallows and a crowd with torches and pitchforks. This is obviously an insurrection. Oh, no, no, no, no. That's just Antifa.

We're having a tea party. Really? Just a regular tea party? And are you Lauren Boebert? Yes, I am. And the tea party is regular to actual Americans. But yeah, I guess, do you want a cup? And don't bother asking if we have oat milk,

because we have just regular cow tit juice. Yeah, we're proud of our disgusting long farts. I just, I don't think I should. This looks like a mob of white supremacists you've got with you, but I don't know. Maybe it isn't. Everything else is crazy in this mixed-up world, and nothing has been what it seems. What are you going to believe, John? Us or your own eyes?

Here, drink this. Wow. Drinking that tea made a hat appear on my head. This is crazy. I'm so sleepy. What's in this? It's just chamomile. Or as you libs say, chamomile. You are 40 after all, which is jack nasty. What's the problem with you leftists? Y'all are so suspicious Must be whatever Hugo Chavez puts in your kibble But you can trust us, John With us, what you see is what you get

Like how I allegedly pay for sex with teen girls on Venmo And how I look and behave exactly like someone who would do that And how I think there are groomers everywhere I look And one of those people I see all the time is Matt Gaetz Hey, how you doing? Good, babe. I'm starting to think that this isn't a tea party at all and that I should probably go. I don't think so, John.

Tweedle-dum and Tweedle-dee, you two let me pass. No, no. It's me, MyPillow CEO, Mike Lindell. And me, former Overstock.com. You know, they make the great product CEO Patrick Byrne. Oh, sorry. I didn't recognize you. Your matching jumpsuits and pinwheel hats kind of threw me off. You don't want to go

there, John. Walmart, of all people, is canceling people. They only sell my pillows online now. It's really cutting into my bottom line. Can you believe it? And just because I'm dangerously deranged. And I have to talk to the January 6th committee just because I was pivotal in spreading the lie that led to January 6th. I mean, it's a woke madhouse out there.

You know what's interesting about you? You also ate all the meatballs, which is just a really strange fact about you that you go to the White House for a meeting to do an insurrection, and then you ate all the meatballs to the point where, even though it was one of the most insane meetings in all of history, one thing everybody remembers from it is that you, the former CEO of Overstock, ate all the meatballs. Why did you do that? It's not that they were good meatballs. They were terrible meatballs, but I didn't want anyone else to have them. My mother said, never turn down free meatballs. Right. It's called protein, John. Those are gains.

You eat meatballs, those are gains. John, John. Yeah? Balls. Yeah, sure. You know, also, just one thing. Matt Gaetz. Yeah.

It's good to see you. You look great. I'm just also, you sound gayer than normal. Wow. Wow. Wow. Just saying, you sound gayer than normal. Wow. Wow. Wow. Just saying, it's a good turn for you. No, you know what?

If I were near you right now, I would take a glove and I'd slap you across the fucking face. How about that? That sounds like what Matt Gates would say. Yeah. Oh, God. I'm just so tired. It's all too much. I don't have any fight left in me.

Yeah. Then here, John. Go ahead and lay your old gay head down on one of my quality pillows, John. That's it. Just for a moment. Wow. I've never used a MyPillow pillow before, and actually, they're pretty mediocre. It's pretty uncomfortable.

I'll just sleep for a moment, right? I just need a break. That's it. Yeah, just fall asleep. Count the meatballs. Count the meatballs. No, I can't do it. I've got to get out of this topsy-turvy wonderland.

Wait a second. This has been like Alice in Wonderland. I'm just getting that. I'm so stupid. I've got to read more. Great. Now you probably want to cancel Lewis Carroll just because he took dozens of nude photos of children

and famously dated teen girls. Ugh. He did? Oh, my God. Yeah. Lewis Carroll was a pedophile? You lips are disgusting. What is wrong with you?

He was an ephebophile. Huge diff, baby. Jesus. Plus, how can you even prove something like that? It's not like they had Venmo back then. That's just what they want you to think. This is crazy. The problem is there's not enough guns in the right hands.

Praise Orban. Pizza game. I gotta get out of here. No, you don't. This is the stupidest tea party I've ever been at in all my life. Guns are the answer. This stinks. Stay here, John, and help us build a more glorious future.

They're really ramping up. I gotta say, This is the worst place I've ever been in my whole life. One of us. One of us. One of us. No! Oh, no!

I gotta get out of here. I wanna wake up. When do I get to wake up? He's like us. Oh, no. Oh, my God. Love it. Love it us. Similar to us. Oh, my God. Love it. Love it.

Wake up. What? Oh, thank God. I'm back in reality. You okay, man? What time is it? I must have been gone for hours. You were asleep for like 15 minutes.

We were worried, but then we found you rolling around on top of an anthill and decided to just let you ride it out. You also peed your pants, like, a lot in front of a bunch of tourists. It was indescribably embarrassing. You were also screaming about Kamala, but I thought, okay, this is Cabo all over again. Oh my god, where's Pundit? Oh, there you are! She led us right to you. What a good girl. I just, I

honestly cannot express to you the sheer volume that you peed. It was like maybe a quart. I'm not a scientist. I'm sorry I freaked out, guys. I guess it's just been building up for a long time. Sometimes I get a little anxious about politics and you know, I try to downplay it because I know I'm not a scientist. I'm sorry I freaked out, guys. I guess it's just been building up for a long time. Sometimes I get a little anxious about politics, and, you know, I try to downplay it, because I know I'm the level-headed one, the stalwart, the steely-eyed, reasonable one, the guy that keeps it all together. I know that's the role I play in our group here, that I'm the kind of even-keeled, keep-it-together guy,

that the one that—that's what I do. You have no idea what you're actually like, do you? No idea what I'm like. Look, we all feel extremely fucked up about politics right now. But we're all in this together. That's why you have to go to... Wait, are we really doing a fucking plug right here? Yep.

Fuck it. Fuck it. Votesaveamerica.com. Nice. I hate to point this out in this nice moment we're having, but you're still peeing your pants? Yeah, I'm still peeing my pants. Take me to the hospital. I must go to a hospital.

Let's take your car. Hey, can I be honest with you fellas? I think this is just about the best birthday I've ever had. Man, that sucks. Love or Leave It is a Crooked Media production. It is written and produced by me, John Lovett, and Lee Eisenberg. Kendra James is our senior producer and Brian Semel is our producer.

Hallie Keeper is our head writer. Sarah Lazarus, Jocelyn Kaufman, Poulavi Gunalan, and Peter Miller are the writers. Bill Lance is our editor and Kyle Seglin is our sound engineer. Claire Fogarty is our production intern working on the show for the summer. Our theme song is written and performed by Sure Sure. Thanks to our designers, Jesse McLean and Caroline Haywood for creating and running all of our visuals, which you can't see because this is a podcast, and to our digital producers, Nar Melkonian, Zuri Irvin, and Milo Kim, Mia Kelman, and Matt DeGroote for filming and editing video each week so you can.