Lovett or Leave It - Lovett or Leave It: What a Year

Episode Date: December 23, 2023

The snow is falling softy as the smoke drifts gently skyward from the chimney. Oh! What’s that sound? The patter of footsteps on the roof. St. Nick, perhaps? Yes, he's there. But it's also the entire Lovett or Leave It team, here to put a best-of episode under the Christmas tree that is your podcast feed. Kendra, Brian, Malcolm, Halle, Lazarus, Zuri, and Dunphy are here to spread some holiday cheer, so put on your footie pajamas, make yourself a cup of hot cocoa, and enjoy. Ho, ho, ho! Etc, etc, etc! For a closed-captioned version of this episode, click here. For a transcript of this episode, please email [e-mail] and include the name of the podcast. 

Love It or Leave It away at the Babybel cheeses he apparently had stashed away in his pockets for winter. Like a semi-abusive squirrel with a wildly fluctuating sense of self-worth. So, we just went with the team's favorite segments from the year. He doesn't listen anyway. Up first, Sweet Producer Malcolm. Hey everyone, I'm Malcolm Whitfield. I'm an associate producer at Crooked Media. I'm Caroline Dunphy, a digital producer for social media here. I'm Hallie Kiefer, I'm a senior writer.

I mostly work for Love It or Leave It and Pod Save America. I'm Sarah Lazarus, I'm a staff writer, mostly for Love It or Leave It. Shit, I should have said I'm also mostly for Love It or Leave It just to have more unity. It doesn't matter. Hi, we're recording our favorite. You're blowing it. Oh my God. Aren't you a stand-up comedian? I am, but this is sitting down. It's a very different thing.

Oh, there you'll have it. But we are sharing our favorite moments of the year. And all of us have, I don't know, pretty similar tastes. We like when stuff gets chaotic. Manic. When stuff gets manic. So for my favorite moment, there was an episode we did in March with Tony Hawk, where the idea was Tony Hawk talks to the audience just about like risk taking because he's like a risky guy. And we pivoted it so hard to Tony Hawk, please give us free therapy. Absolutely. And this episode has had such an impact on my life.

I went home recently and someone who I don't know that well, but from the old days, like, oh my God, I listen to Love or Leave It every week. Like, you guys were all kind of going through something in March, right? Yeah. So that, it's been so pervasive to my life. I felt like it needed to be shouted out. And then Tony fixed us. Tony did fix us. He fixed us all.

I actually, I didn't have any problems anymore after that. My credit score is 800 now. Damn. Damn. Thanks, Tony. Thanks, Tony. Thank you, Tony. Now it's time. Please welcome to the Thanks, Tony. Thank you, Tony. Now it's time.

Please welcome to the stage, the one and only, the legendary, Tony Hawk. Hi. Hey. I'm so tall. I'm so tall. It's very good to see you, and we were excited you're here. Is it good for you to see me? Do you know what this show is?

Absolutely. I came to a live show in San Diego as an audience member. Oh yeah. I know that. Yes I do. I swear to God. I was like I think Tony fucking Hawk is here. That happened. But thanks to my lovely wife Kathy who's here. She

turned me on to Positive America and then to your show and then I bought tickets to the San Diego show and then she couldn't make it. So I went cool. So, and I enjoyed it. So thank you. Yes,

I know what I'm doing here. There you go. Oh, cool. Yeah. So, um, here's a question.

In a recent interview, you mentioned that you've had three concussions. Is that right? Uh, Hmm. It's not right. I've had many, I've had dozens, dozens of concussions. So's not right. I've had many.

I've had dozens. Dozens of concussions. I've had three that were severe. Let's put it that way. Okay. But you've had dozens of concussions. Yes. Yeah, I didn't know that's what I was doing here.

You know what? You're right. I don't know what I'm doing here. But you were doing this as you were kind of pushing a sport forward. Before you knew you were going to be a world famous athlete? I suppose, yeah, that wasn't the general idea, but I was just trying to push my limits. Right. Which I did.

You did. Yeah. And you never found those limits, or you did. That's a question for someone else. I'm still trying to learn new tricks, but I'm not trying to cheat danger as much as I used to. And when you were sort of really pushing, and again, obviously I'm not trying to cheat danger as much as I used to. And when you were sort of really pushing, and again, obviously I'm well known for my love of

and consumption of sports. Your sick kickflips. Yeah, and my sick kickflips. Was there ever something where you never actually got, so you rotated like three and a half times, and your last thing was to get four times, but you never got it? I tried to do a double rotation,

a 720 in skate terms. I've done it many times with my hands on a controller. I tried to do 720. And I tried to do 720 without grabbing my board, which would be an Ollie 720, and I never did figure that one out, and

I think that ship has sailed. Has anyone done it since? No one's done it, actually. No one's done it? No. One guy got pretty close that I was kind of rooting for, and he gave up on it. You know, when there was that guy that threw the javelin too far, and they were like, that's it, we're making the javelins heavier. Should you make the skateboards heavier so no one can ever touch your records?

Yes. That'd be cool. It'd be more subversive. It's something that I just do. Just like a lobbying campaign. These boards are too light. The wheels are too big. Yeah'd be more subversive. It's something that I just do. Just like a lobbying campaign. These boards are too light. The wheels are too big. Yeah.

You should think about that. You have been world-renowned for a very long time, and yet you're not despised. You seem to be well-liked by everyone. Oh, thank you. Thank you very much. I appreciate it. This is who I am.

That's cool. I love skateboarding and I never was in it to be rich or famous. But you got both. I got both. It was weird, but I still love doing it and I get to do stuff like this. It's amazing. That's cool. So you're not pretending to be like this.

No. I don't know. Catch me outside. We'll see. Yeah. Oh, man. All we did was play that game I mean I played it so much oh my god it's all coming back did you play it a lot absolutely really yeah did you play as yourself what wait a second what I'm just kidding um it's not the first time I used that joke it's good it was good uh yes I play as my character yes I do time I used that joke. It's good. It was good.

Yes, I play as my character. Yes, I do. Oh, I like that you make a distinction between Tony Hawk the man and Tony Hawk, the Tony Hawk pro skater character. Do you have different qualities? Yeah, he's much more resilient. His concussions don't affect him.

Do you ever feel like, because in the game, you can do things that you can't actually do in real life. Do you ever feel like people played in the game, you can do things that you can't actually do in real life. Do you ever feel like people played the game and then were like, ugh, this real life guy is pathetic compared to the... I think that that was kind of a curse

in the beginning of the success of the game series because I would go to various skate parks and public exhibitions and kids were like, why can't he levitate? Like, what's the deal? It's bullshit. Like, where's the 900 revert to manual? I don't see.

That would have been me. That would have been my question. So which of the following is not a skateboard trick that you originated? Okay. You're like, they're not tricks. They're illusions. Is it A, the 360 variant McTwist? B, the eggplant to fake?

C, slob G twist one foot? D, sack trap? Sack tat. You've said all the names wrong so far. Wait, really? At this point, I can say I didn't invent any of those tricks. Wait, what did I say wrong? Okay, well, it's not the slob G twist one foot.

That works. It's not the 360 variant. Varial. Varial. Yeah, variant though. I think that might be a new take on it. That's out of Wuhan. The eggplant.

And it's not the eggplant to fake. To fakey. Fakey. Who wrote, the fucking card is wrong, tough and down? It's a fakey. Fakey? Who wrote this? The fucking card is wrong, tough, and dead. It's all right. It's way more fun that way. The eggplant to fakey.

I should know that. I'm an expert. But wait, you invented them all? Yes. That's cool. And who's this? So far, so good. And how high were the people, were you when you named them?

There's not one name here that reveals a sober mind. It was more that in skateboarding, the general rule, there were no rules, really, but the general vibe was that if you created a trick, you could name it. Most of those tricks were variations of existing tricks. So, like, eggplant is a trick that exists. Going to fakie was just a way to do it. Fakie is what you call going backwards. So don't shoot the messenger.

I'm just throwing together existing tricks. And is a McTwist just a kind of Irish twist? It is a 540 spin, but you're doing it upside down with a very particular grab. Wow. That's cool. It's the very trick that I broke my femur on a year ago. A year ago you broke your

femur? I did, yes. My god. What? Your femur? That sucks. Are you okay? It sucks. I'm good now. I wasn't good for the first seven or eight months because I got back on my skateboard too soon because I just don't learn.

Oh, man. But I'm okay now. I had to have surgery and have it realigned, and now it's good. Oh, God, I twist my ankle. I'm out for weeks. That happens, too. All right, now, everybody out there in the audience,

we have someone here today who is famous for taking risks and getting concussions. That's what I'm famous for? Cool. And sometimes not and really doing amazing things. I'd like to say mostly not. Mostly not. Yeah. It's all about the concussions you don't get.

Famously. And so you are an expert at taking risks to change things and make things cool. To change your sport, basically and become like singularly identified with the sport, which is pretty amazing. Oh, thank you. Yeah, I think just to sort of push perceived limits. That's been my goal. But some of you on here tonight, you're thinking about whether or not to take a risk to push your limits.

So if you have a question about a risk you're thinking of taking and you need someone to convince you to take it or convince you not to take it, please raise your hand and tell us the risk you're thinking about taking. Now, to kick us off, Hallie Kiefer wanted to share a risk she was thinking about taking, just to give you a sense of where we're at. Hallie? And this is a segment we're calling Tony Hawk Wants You to Risk It All.

Oh, wow. Hi, Hallie. Hi, how's it going? Thanks for inviting me out. We weren't sure if we were going to involve the staff or not, so I was at the ready. I want to be clear. So, Tony, I came out last year.

Tomorrow I'm going on my first. Thank you. Give it up for old gay people who come out. Yes! Tomorrow I have my first date with a woman ever. give it up for old gay people who come out yes tomorrow I have my first date with a woman ever awesome

so Tony I basically just want you to hype me up and then give me any advice that you could

possibly give me I suppose well I believe in you thank you I really do need to hear it give it up for Tony Hawk everybody that's all it took that's it

and I think that you just gotta be yourself oh god that's hard isn't it Tony that's a promise like you spent your whole life being yourself and everyone's like yes we love this everyone else not so much does that make sense I suppose

but I think that you're gonna you know just be natural and I think you're gonna do fine you're going to, you know, just be natural. And I think you're going to do fine. You're going to, you work on one of the funniest shows. So you got that going for you. Yeah. And I think that, you know, dig a little bit of that humor out and you're going to be golden. Thank you, Tony. Make him laugh.

Make him laugh. I will. Okay, great. Thank you. I don't know if I want you to risk it all on your first date. That's fair. But risk some of it. Risk a little bit, yeah.

What percent should I risk? Definitely, hmm. What do you think? That's the question, isn't it? Isn't it on the first date? Go half at least. Half, 50%. Okay, I'll do it.

Okay, great. Keep half to yourself. Thank you. Thank you, Tony. With a McTwist. Okay, great. Thank you. Hallie Keefe, everybody.

Tony, there was a really interesting thing that happened when we were talking about you being on the show today, which is one by one, everybody that works at Crooked realized they wanted to tell you all their secrets and ask for your help. What is that? What is this energy that you have? What explains that?

I have no explanation for that, and I can't say it's happened very much anywhere else interesting interesting glad to have that effect on your crew but Malcolm do you want I mean I even my own kids will do that so yeah Malcolm come on hi Tony Hawk I guess for me I I'm recently out of a relationship and trying to do this whole thing where I'm trying to find myself a little bit more. And something I've realized from talking to a lot of my close friends is I'm not vulnerable.

I'm not really good at sharing details about my stuff because it's really hard. And I want to be there for people, but they keep telling me that they want to do the same for me. So I guess my question is, how do I risk it by opening up more? It's so funny that

we didn't tell you you were doing any of this. No, not at all. Just absolutely deciding you're a therapist from nothing, based on nothing. You're good at jumping in the air with a wheel on your foot.

I think, luckily, I would say within the last 10 years of my life, I have learned to become more vulnerable and share more. So what can I tell you? It's much more liberating. It's super scary. But when you get past that, it just flows. And then you will feel relieved. You feel like this weightless.

I can't explain it. There was a weight lifted from me when I sort of went that direction, especially my wife and I have a lot of kids. And when I got to be more compassionate to them and more open to them, everything became easier. Thank you.

I want to say I have an identical twin brother and he told me that like a couple weeks ago, like pretty much the same thing, but now I believe it. I do want to be clear about that. Thank you very much. Producer Malcolm, everybody. Do you think that the weightlessness

you felt is what gave you a kind of cockiness that might have caused you to break your femur? No. I think what caused me to break my femur is, I mean, there's a bit of Peter Pan syndrome, but mostly that I took for granted my skill set way too into my older age.

And I thought, I can do this trick. I don't have enough speed. Things aren't perfect. I've done this thousands of times. I got it. And next thing I know, I'm sliding across the bottom of the ramp. My leg is pointing backwards. No good.

I looked up at my friend. I said, I broke my leg. I grabbed it and put it back in place. It didn't help. It didn't work. It just made me feel more normal in that moment. They don't say, oh yeah, you just got to pop your

femur back in. It's like a Lego set. Just line it up. Be fine. The body knows. It was a rough road but like I said, I'm much more on the road to recovery. I'm not gonna make a full comeback because I'm gonna be

55 soon. Yeah. Yay! Alright. Yes. Everyone gasped. What? They're like, no, Tony Hawk, you stay the same age. You don't change, Tony Hawk. If you change, we're all changing, and that's unacceptable.

She got a great big cheer for coming out at an old age. I want to still be skateboarding at an old age, but I get more gasps than cheers, but that's fine. I accept that. We'll do one from Brian, and then we're going to do a couple from out there. Brian wanted in on this, too. Hi, Tony Hawk.

Brian? Non-consensual therapy with Tony Hawk. I don't know why my advice would have any... Honestly, it's been awesome so far. Yeah, I'm not super familiar with your work, honestly. It's cool. This isn't a big thing for me.

That's okay with me. But I'm not like Malcolm. I have no problem being vulnerable. I'm an incredible oversharer. It's a problem. And I'm also going through a breakup right now. And yeah. The Love It or Leave It team is a fucking mess.

We are a shambles Or this show just causes breakups Free for thought Too soon So I live with my boyfriend right now He's going to move out And I've never lived alone And I'm very bad at being alone

And I'm very scared of being alone And I'm criminally underpaid So I can't afford to live alone Get to your question, Brian So I guess and I'm criminally underpaid so I can't afford to live alone. Get to your question, Brian. So I guess my question is... Brian, you should risk it all. Yeah. Do I be alone, which I'm very scared of doing

and also can't really afford to do, but I think that would make me grow perhaps or do I find a roommate? Well, I think just financially it sounds like you need a roommate, but I think that... I think it might be good for you to have that discomfort of being alone for a little bit to see, it sounds like you need a roommate, but I think that... I think it might be good for you to have that discomfort of being alone for a little bit

to see what it's like and to embrace it. Okay. Sure. I will. Producer Brian, everybody. Thank you, Tony Hawk. Until all the money runs out. Is anybody out?

Hi. Hi there, I'm Jeff. This is real time. This happened in an Uber coming over here. Tony Hawk, I need you. Okay. All right, Jeff. What happened?

I currently live in Ohio, where we have Jim Jordan, where we just gained J.D. Vance. And I now have an offer to move from Ohio to California. Should I do it? Yes. All right. Sure. Fantastic.

Especially if you're trying to make it as a career of a skateboarder. All right. I dabble. I dabble. The epicenter was here. It's not only here, but it helps.

But yeah, absolutely. I think you'll love it here. So no hesitation. We're going. Sure. I live here, so. Yeah, we like it here. We no hesitation. We're going. Sure. I live here, so. Yeah, we like it here. We're a little biased.

Every person who doesn't live in Ohio made a choice. Thank you, Jeff. I appreciate you. So I have two risks I want to ask you real quick. Should I leave this country and move to Italy?

Guys, you don't know a fucking thing. What is wrong with you? Just give it a second. You don't have any information. Is it He Prayed Lovers or Amanda Knox? You don't know the story yet. Italy can go a couple ways on you. What's your life? What's happening? I'm getting evicted. My dad lives there right now.

My job is minimum wage, and I just feel like I don't have a purpose right now, and I feel like I want to find myself in Italy. Do you speak Italian? I don't, but I'm going to learn. Well, that's the right attitude. Yeah. And then my second question is, I've always wanted to skateboard,

but I've always been scared of getting hurt, and now I'm 35. Should I bother? That's the first question you've gotten about skateboarding. Literally the first one. I don't know if I'm going to encourage you to go to Italy, but if you do go to Italy,

learn to skateboard there. And then that'll get you a whole new path. And I don't think it's too late to skate. And I'd say that in all honesty. I think that if you can stand comfortably and you're comfortable with being in motion, you can skateboard. You don't have to jump down big stairs or do big ramps.

You can just cruise and have fun. Awesome. Well, thank you for the encouragement. Sure. Okay, thank you. Okay. Okay. Hi, what's your name? I'm Kat. What's a risk you want to take? I actually came out at 31 myself.

Awesome. And I'm going to be 36, and I'm engaged to this beautiful woman. And we're actually here from Milwaukee to Elope on Saturday. And my question is something that came up right before. She's wondering. She's like, oh, my God, what? No. I want to know whether I should write down my vows

or just kind of say them in the moment because it occurred to me today when I was thinking about writing them, I was like, I kind of just want to take a risk and just say it from my heart. And she... I already gave my advice on this, and I said, nay. I think you might be at risk of locking up. That's what I said.

I speak from experience. But it's only us. Sure. And, like, two other people. Here's the thing. You could write down something really meaningful and make her cry. But I feel like I could do that from my own experience. You probably will on your own, but I'm just saying it's almost like a surefire thing if you write it down.

Here's what I think. I would say this. Sometimes you find out what you think when you write it down. I would say this. Sometimes you find out what you think when you write it down. And you can write it down and decide you don't want to use it because it's free and then throw it out and then speak from the heart. But I would say take a piece of paper. Or like bullet points.

Bullet points. This feels like not a risk then is what you're saying to me. All right, go for it. Risk it all. You know what? Get wasted before you do it. You know what? It seems like here's what I would say.

I would say this. I've been to many a wedding where someone spoke from the heart. They're not the best toasts, you know? The people that wing it. I would say winging it is a high risk, low reward choice. Grand scheme of things. You should do what you want. I'm just thinking about the time that a drunken father got up to give an unprepared toast at a wedding

and then just told the entire story of the birth. Right. You don't want birth stories. To the bride and groom. You know what I'm saying? Okay. So write a speech. Can you pass the microphone to your fiance? Hi, what's your name?

My name is Margaret. Hi, Margaret. Hi. Where are you on the whole winging it? I boldly gave my opinion, and I said, no, I wouldn't do that if it were me. Right. And it is me on the other side of her. It's interesting. It's going to be the last thing you do before you're married or the first thing you do as a married couple, and your plan is to disregard the wishes of your partner.

Something to think about. Oh. And maybe that's the greatest risk of all. Let's wrap it up, says Malcolm. I agree. Let's wrap it up. But congratulations. I'm kidding.

Congratulations. It says here, Tony would like to plug World Peace. I don't know. He just said, what do you want to plug when we were in the green room? I was like,

I don't know, World Peace? Sure. Hell yeah. This guy. Guys. The Skate Park Project. do you want to plug when we were in the green room? I was like, oh, World Peace, sure. Hell yeah. This guy. Guys. The Skate Park Project. I would like to plug the Skate Park Project. It is my nonprofit for public skate parks in underserved areas.

We've been doing it 20 years. We have helped to fund over 700 skate parks across the U.S. And it's definitely the work that's close to my heart. Tony Hawk, everybody. Tony Hawk, everybody. Still feeling dizzy from watching the 2024 Republican primary? Good news. You've got something better to do.

Join the Vote Save America community for all the tools you need to take action in this presidential election cycle, from volunteer opportunities to making sure you're registered to vote. 2024 is here. Get a jump on it. Start the new year right. Go to votesaveamer vote. 2024 is here. Get a jump on it. Start the new year. You're right. Go to vote save America dot com right now. So you're ready from the jump in 2024 to make sure that, you know, you do everything you can because holy shit. So the segment I have picked is from our 2023 Pride show, and it features the wonderful comedian Kel Cripe, who we've had on before. And we were looking to celebrate two things.

One, celebrate the wonderful non-binary people we know and work here and in society in general. And then two, I believe Caroline came up with the phrase during a merch meeting, they, thems, the rules. And we said, we all like the phrase so much, we're going to back into a segment. And it took a couple weeks. It took a while, but we eventually came up with, Caleb Cripe just reading rules

that they as a non-binary person had come up with, in addition to the ones that we offered them if they were interested. And again, I just like, you can see how the sausage is made. And if you like they, themsTheRules on a t-shirt, let us know. Please let us know.

In the Love It or Leave It Discord, let us know. Because we will insist. We will insist. We will make another act so we can get that on a damn t-shirt. TheyThemsTheMerch. TheyThemsTheMerch, baby.

Roll clip. This Pride, we wanted to take a moment to celebrate all the incredible wonderful talented hilarious non-binary people we fight beside

in the struggle for liberation but none of them were available today Jesus so instead we put Kel Cripe Kel come on out what a

I'm sorry about that no thanks that was the kindest intro I've ever had. Handshake for a podcast. Hi, Kel. Hi, John. It's good to see you.

You too. I'm so excited to be telling you what to do now. Yeah. Because you're presenting new rules for Pride in a segment we're calling

They, Them's the Rules. And whatever you say, we have to abide by because, hey. They Them's the Rules. They Them's the Rules. A segment we built around the phrase, They Them's the Rules. Because it's like, you know, the phrase, Them's the Rules. I've never heard of it.

All right. Well, Kel, what's our first rule well i just want to say also if any of these sound kind of like personal bias just please remember that they come from like a very elite society of a lot of people they're fair and kind yeah what sure that's helpful for people for 100% so first rule how about get off the god damn sidewalk no more lounging in the middle of the sidewalk

when I got places to be John listen you can be in the middle of a binary but you can't be in the middle of where I'm walking here. That's a great rule. Boom, they them's the rules. Okay, now I get it.

Now you get it. Hey, you ever been in a bathroom? Yeah. You ever sit down and then you go on your phone and then you're in there for three hours? Yes. Now, new rule. Every bathroom has to play boy genius because because i gotta get out before i start crying i can't have anyone hear me cry in the bathroom

was that the end of that one? I think so. But don't you have to say it? How do we know it's the end of the... They, them's the rules. Okay, cool. Yeah, all right. How about this one?

Every time you check something off your to-do list, you get a little treat subsidized by the federal government. It's hard to do tasks. So, hey, you paid rent rent brownie in the mail you mopped your kitchen floors brownie in the mail you flossed yeah right you liar no one does that anymore it's 2023 nobody does it and hey that reminds me of another rule. No more flossing. It's boring. Say it with me. They them's the rules. Now let's see here.

Hey, new rule. And remember, this came from a big society. I'm allowed to eat little jams from the diners. I don't need bread, toast, anything. I can put it on my hands New rule, stickiness is awesome The smartest people in the world You know how they say the smartest people have the worst handwriting?

The absolute even smarter than those people Have the stickiest hands You can imagine I'm sorry, I don't mean to Something funny No, no, no, I don't mean to Something funny No, no, no, I just want to understand Is that a new rule or is that just your observation now? That's the rules

They's them's that's the rules They's them's that's the rules for sure But are you saying on a go forward basis the stickiness Or is that what you're saying we come into this with? It's always been that and now we have to pay attention to it Cool And hey, speaking of uh you ever watch tv yeah from time to time not anymore time's gotta pause primarily rupaul's gotta pause because i'm on season nine that one's for me that one was for me i just want to watch more, but there's too much.

They them the rules. Hey, new rule tied to a business. Chipotle quesadillas, way cheaper. They got to be way cheaper. $10 for what? Their tortillas are free. I'm paying $10 for some cheese. And speaking of

new rule, John pays for all of my food. Again, that one came from the society, but it's just for me. They them's the rules. That's the rule. That's it.

They them's the rules. This one, you know, they say an hour before bed, get off the rules. That's the rule. That's it. They them's the rules. This one, you know, they say an hour before bed, get off the phone. Done. Actually, now you got to watch at least two hours of YouTube video essays before you go to sleep. Primarily conspiracy based. I don't have enough people to talk to about what I'm observing. Is that... They have the rules.

Just I didn't know if the rules... Yeah, no, that's the rules. It's hard to know sometimes when the rules end. Yes. There is a lot of... They go into each other. There's sub-rules. Sometimes there's sub-rules.

Sub-rules. You know they have sub-rules. There's sub-rules. Sub-rules. Sections. You know they have sub rules. There's sub rules. Sub rules. Sections and so forth. New rule. Things that aren't cake aren't allowed to be cake anymore.

That's a good one. I'm too gullible out here. It's freaking me out. It's scary. No more shoes that are actually cake. I've gotten too messy my feet. They, them's the rules. Hey, you ever been to Whole Foods?

Yeah, I've been to Whole Foods. Yeah, it's no longer called stealing from Whole Foods. It's called minding your business. It's called minding your business. It's called minding your business. I'm allowed to do that. Who cares? Period. And also, who's going to notice?

Period. It's my right. They, them, the rules. They, them, the rules. Let's see what we got here. They sent me over the long pass. This one, it's going to sound complicated, but it's really not. This one, it's small little tattoos.

Small little tattoos everywhere. They have the rules. That one spoke for itself. This one we touched on briefly, but it gets a little more specific here, which is everyone's got to increase their screen time so I can feel better about mine. They them's the rules. They them's the rules. You want to do one more? You want to do one more?

Yes. Everyone has to have an obscure collection of tiny little things, but they have to admit that mine's the best. Do you want to know what it is? Yeah, I do. Hot wheels and little sticks. Okay. You know what? They thems the rules. Kel Cripe, everybody.

Oh, that reminds me. Today I made my Alexa say, I changed my Alexa's name to Computer. That's funny. It was funny, and now I'm just not going to change it, but I'm already tired of it. Do you just say, hey, Computer? No, I just say, Computer, just like that. That's great. No matter what, they're listening to everything you do in your home.

Yeah. It's true. No matter what fun little name you give it, they're listening. Thank you for keeping me grounded. You're welcome. And I will say, I wouldn't have one because I'm constantly talking to myself in my home. And I just wouldn't want it to be thinking I'm talking to it. So many times you can, it's probably be like, sorry, didn't hear that.

It's like, it's not for you. It's for my therapist later. Were you going down spiral or do you want spiral spaghetti? Computer. Computer. Okay, so next clip we are doing Why the Malls Are Dying with Chris Fleming. Ah, yes. Phantom of the Mall.

Great. This is my most favorite manic piece that has ever happened at Love or Leave It on stage because I had to do all the – I picked it because I shot all the BTS. happened at Love or Leave It on stage because I had to do all the, I picked it because I shot all the BTS and seeing Chris Fleming transform into this character, there was no more Chris Fleming. It was solely Phantom of the Westfield Mall. And you never really catch Love It completely off guard and unsure what to do. And that is the next 17 minutes of this mayhem. He completely loses control of the show. I love it as a writer because sometimes it's stressful

when someone very funny comes on the show and you're like, oh, I have to write something for someone who's so much funnier than me, which is never an issue with Lovett, but sometimes you have really funny guests. For sure, definitely. Most of the time it's easy sailing. Exactly.

But then Chris comes on and it's like, oh, he didn't even read the script. Thank God. It's so much funnier than we could ever have made it. He's a genius. It's great. It's great. Roll the clip, as they say. Roll the clip. The Phantom of the Westfield Mall is here. Inside John's mind.

Hi, Phantom. Hi. My angel of retail. Oh, no. You've been tickling me all night long, John Why does it smell like meat made by three men out here? Come to me, angel of retail Shop for me! Shop for me!

Thank you for being here, Phantom. My pleasure. Would you mind joining me over here? You know what? I'm going to sit. You come over whenever. It's just that I haven't been in a proper theater for so long, John. I've been in the Westfield Mall. Are you also the Phantom of the Opera?

No, but we text. Now, poor man, it's been a bad year for Phantoms. His show closed, now the Westfield Mall. People don't go to opera houses anymore, John. It's hard to... You probably haven't been in weeks.

Yeah, I mean, I'm more of a fall asleep in front of ultimatum queer love because I don't want to admit that I failed to do what I said I'd do today type of guy. But yeah, let's say it's been a couple weeks since I've been to the opera. You could never love me, John. My face

is too wicked. This face, it burns from all the free samples from Sephora. But there are parts of me you could love, John.

Look at my hokas, John. I got them at Journeys. Hokas are a fashionable and supportive shoe that's good for an active

lifestyle Made well Nordstrom Aldo and Sunglass Hut No one's ever

Bought shit from Sunglass Hut A guy in 2004 Almost did But then he went to the strip club instead It's over now he went to the strip club instead. It's over now. The music of Sunglass Heart. Bloomingdale's is still pushing the Wonderbra. If you go in Louis Vuitton,

you get tackled by security. Club Monaco feels like an FBI sting operation to catch a DJ. Zara is just girlfriends shopping while their boyfriends swipe on Tinder. All right, okay. Phantom, all right, we get it. It's been a tough year all around. How do you hold it up? Oh, you know, pretty bad.

I felt like I was getting somewhere, John. I had a new ingenue. She worked at Nordstrom. I told her if she did Crest White Strips, she could be floor manager by Labor Day. And I said if they didn't heed my request, disaster beyond imagination would occur! Which means I would just turn all the chairs on at Brookstone. Imagine! Imagine 15 vibrating chairs, John. I could give you that life. I could...

Let me get you a neck massager from Brookstone. I could treat you better than Crooked Media. Throw your podcast away and live with

me in Kate Spade. Hey, hey, Phantom. Wait. A namesake retailer showcasing the designer's chic, upbeat handbags, women's wear, and accessories.

But you could never love this face, John. It's too wicked after what happened at Sephora. It's not on the cue card, John. I used too much of the Kardashian skincare line. You know which

Kardashian? Rob Kardashian. It was just a pickleback shot. My T-zone is completely fucked. He's reading from cards, but what cards?

Where did they come from? Who gave them to him? We all interpret language differently, John. I'm like one of the aliens from Arrival. I'm the heptapod. Instead of the chandelier, I came down on the Shake Shack sign. Yeah, you just come down on the Shake Shack sign. Imagine me screaming at the top of my lungs on the Shake Shack sign. Yeah, you just come down on the Shake Shack sign. Imagine me screaming at the top

of my lungs on the Shake Shack sign. Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Phantom. But they weren't scared. They weren't scared. They were too busy vaping, biking,

opening up their relationships okay sorry sorry sorry sorry you must be devastated to have Westfield abandon the mall like this it's impossible yeah I'm gonna have to do a lot of

traveling, John. The mall we had till now is at an end. So what happens to you now? Where do you go from here? Well, my years of appearing to people in the mirror at Aldo are

over, John. Can't blame them. The whole goddamn city is down the toilet. And I should know. I live in the sewer. Phantoms try to dress it up. Oh, it's a cavern. It's a catacombs.

It's a literal cesspool, John. And it's still better than what's happening to downtown. The Democrats who run this city should be ashamed of themselves. Progressives have failed California! Wait a second, Phantom. These are pretty strong words for some sort of half-supernatural musical stalker ghost or whatever you are. I take offense to that. Anyone can see how crime and drug use are killing downtown.

John, just like I killed a whole Wetzel's pretzels every day for my midday snack for 30 years at the Westfield Mall. Okay, but malls everywhere are struggling for a lot of reasons. A lot of businesses have been driven out of the city by very high rents. As well it should, John. It's one of the best cities in the world, full of industry and innovation and 60-degree weather and men with good posture who don't smile. If only we could figure out how to get rid of the undesirable element, the mall would be full again, and I could haunt it to my heart's content. There was a story on Fox the other day. Wait a second. Phantom, you watch Fox News? Oh, of course. What else would they play in the sewer, John?

There's bad Wi-Fi down there. I can't listen to all those Jordan Peterson podcasts you listen to. Unbelievable. Unbelievable. I don't think you have to be a genius to know that it's these Democrats and their woke ideology that's letting people run amok. And frankly, it's affecting my bottom line. I'm going to sell my instrument,

and I'm not talking about my piano, John. I'm talking about my French horn. And my dick. Oh, God. Come on. Come with me, John. Say you'll share with me one more One Burke Williams. Let me lead you to the H&M.

Phantom. I heard you talking about how you don't know where to go style-wise after skinny jeans are no longer allowed. Shadow boxing in the mirror in your green room. Oh, I lost him on the shadow boxing in the mirror in your green room. Oh, I lost him on the shadow boxing. They're all pacifists, John. They can't even bear the thought of punching the air. Why did we try?

You know the Phantom of the Opera drives the boat around? Yeah, the fog boat, yeah. I drive an e-scooter. That's cool. Why does everyone in this audience look like they could be in the National? Phantom, isn't one of the larger problems how long it takes to build things in this city? How much nimbyism there is? How much obstruction there is to actually building houses?

in this city, how much NIMBYism there is, how much obstruction there is to actually building houses. Well, sometimes it takes time to make sure the community can be heard so that we protect the character of our city. You're a NIMBY? Phantom, you're a NIMBY? You live in the sewer. Oh, that was the name my mother gave me. NIMBY.

This face. It burns. My mother named me NIMBY. Of course we're NIMBYs. Every phantom's a NIMBY and every NIMBY is phantom. And we don't just haunt operas and malls, Jonathan. Leave it. We haunt a proposed 19-unit micro-housing development on 18th Street.

We haunt a 200-bed shelter project near the Bay Bridge. We haunt wealthy suburbs by declaring them mountain lion habitats to prevent the construction of duplexes. We haunt city planners and board supervisors. We haunt comment periods and city council meetings and town halls because we are phantoms and nimbies, and we'd rather a chandelier come crashing down on all of you than give up what's ours. We will love this city

and state to death, and in our songs we'll pretend we're the heroes. Boo. So then you just want to yell about crime and drugs and blame Democrats. You don't actually want to solve any of it. No, I do. I have a plan.

I'll start haunting the tenderloin, John. You're going to haunt the unhoused people. That's your plan. That seems like a terrible plan. That doesn't seem, that can't possibly be your solution. Well, possible. How is it possible that the Phantom's boat

floats in a sea of fog? John and my e-scooter can go 30 miles per hour. How is it possible that the Phantom's boat floats in a sea of fog? John and my e-scooter can go 30 miles per hour. How is it possible Andrew Lloyd Webber wrote that entire musical based on one flirty convo we had before our... I'm bi, John! And our enjoyable interlude in a dressing room at Saks in 1983. Saks and Cincinnati. We gotta do all the demos. Christine!

Phantom, is that your ingenue that you're obsessed with? No. It's the manager at Jamba Juice. Who used to hook me up and let me eat free orange pulp. You know how when they juice the orange? Yeah, yeah. It's the phantom. I'd love to have, honestly, Phantom,

if I could spend all night with you, I would. The phantom of the Westfield Mall, everybody. The phantom of the Westfield Mall is here inside John's mind. One more time for Chris Fleming. Don't go anywhere. This is Love It or Leave It and there's more on the way. Hi, I'm Kendra James.

I'm the executive producer of Love It or Leave It. I'm Brian. I'm the regular kind of producer. I'm Zuri. I'm the video producer. I don't know what that counts for, but that's what I do. Lateral. Yeah.

I control them both. I have their fates in my hands. And we're here to give you some of our favorite moments of the year from Love It or Leave It, both in L.A. and on the road. What's your favorite city to go to this year? Do you guys have a favorite? Is the question my favorite city or the city in which I had the best time? Oh, city in which you had the best time. Or the least worst time.

I had the best time in New York because that's my hometown. Yeah. My favorite city, though, tied between Asheville and Portland. I love both those cities. Quaint towns. I was adored by the men in Portland. Same. Yeah, me too. When I made that statement publicly, a former guest

in Asheville, Tressie McMillan Cottom, she came back to me very quickly and said, I'm not surprised. And guess what? That was a read. I think you should take it it's a compliment yeah no it was a read so for my favorite segment in 2023 I chose a segment from our Atlanta show which was our first of hopefully and very likely many because boy are there a lot of grievances, our first official Love It or Leave It team reunion hosted by the one and only Kandi Burris. Hey!

Hi. Thank you for being here. Oh, there, I'll go here. This is what we do. We just trash all the cars. This is what we're doing. Thank you for being here. Oh, there. I'll go here. This is what we do. We just trash all the cars. This is what we're doing. Thank you for being here. Thanks for having me.

Now, from time to time, we ask this question. I find it's a nice icebreaker. Did you know what this show was when you agreed to it? No. No, I didn't. Hell yeah. None of us did either. I established that at the beginning of the show, sir.

We discussed this as a group. I created space for that idea. They're here for you. They're not here for me. They're like, who is this, oh, who is this guy? Uh, what is your favorite podcast? What is my favorite?

Uh, candy coated. Now, what is the number one housewives moment I should know about as a novice to the franchise? Ooh. You could say anything and I'll believe you. Kendra, one of our producers, has been, is just, the things that had to be arranged

so that she could make sure that she was on this trip. The luck that it turned out, oh, there was nothing to do. I had to be there. Yes. But she's been giving me sort of a crash course. But what do you think? What is sort of the moment? Ooh, there are so many crazy moments

that have happened on Housewives that are iconic. But I guess for me, maybe, um... I'll drag you in this bitch. Or... Bitch, I up worldwide. Now, there have been many, but you have the longevity. What are you

saying? Oh, I'll turn a shade tree into a money tree. That's good. I like that. I like that. Now, the housewives franchises they've chewed up and spit out a lot of people that couldn't hack it yes but not you thank you how do you survive how do you stay alive in this world oh um you know i don't. Honestly, I don't really know how they pick and choose who they want to stay. Right. But I would have to say that because I have things going on in my life, so it's always something to show.

And my everybody around me doesn't mind me, you know, showing that part of my life. So meaning I feel like for you to make it on reality TV, it can't just be about you going back and forth with the women on the show. Like, you have to have something for real happening in your life. So, you know, I own restaurants. Everybody that works there is ready to film. My family, everybody knows Mama Joyce. My husband, Ty, my kids, they all will show,

like, they'll be their true authentic self as well as me and Don Juan. He's in the back. Yeah, everybody in my life. They don't mind being true and authentic. Are there moments, though, where when the cameras are gone, everyone's like, OK, now here's let me tell you, I was full of shit a few minutes ago. That doesn't happen. No, because they will go in on me on camera. Like, no, seriously. I remember it 14 seasons ago. My very first time filming the first day I filmed, my mother had me in tears on camera.

The very first time I filmed for the show. And that's when I knew, oh, this is not what I signed up for. Oh, what is this? So it wasn't that your people were extra nice. It's as if they were waiting for the cameras to be there so they could tell you what was really going on. No, my family is kind of like that all the time. Okay. Well, that makes sense.

That checks out. So you have a line of sex toys? Yes. Called Bed sex toys? Yes. Called Bedroom Candy? Yes. I should have brought you a goodie bag. I don't know what I was thinking.

Yeah. What the hell? That's cool. Yeah. Okay. Now, this is obviously not your first time at the reality TV rodeo. Also, there should be a reality show set at a rodeo. No one steal that.

That's my idea. But until then, you can EP. Please EP. Okay. But until then, there is a roiling pot of tension ready to explode on this very stage. That's right. It's time for a Love It or Leave It reunion with our host, Candy Cohen. For which I've asked the Love It or Leave It staff to join us

for some honesty, healing, and most likely some throwing of very, very soft hands. Please welcome to the stage our incredible producers, Brian and Kendra. Hello, hello, hello. No, no. I just thought about something. You asked me a question as an icebreaker

when I first got up here, right? You said, did I know what I was getting myself into? Well, when I was invited, did you even know who I was? So, that's a good question. I'll actually take that one. No. I did provide him with some episodes to watch. So I'm not for a what? What? No, I'm just kidding. No, no. Well, I would say this. I didn't know about the housewives world, but I knew about your songwriting, and I knew about the songs,

I knew about the music. So now, here's the work. You have questions for us, and the reunion has begun. There's a lot of things that Kendra, Brian, and I have to work out, and we'll see what happens. All right.

There's clearly a lot of history here, guys. Where is the tension coming from? don't know brian you want to take that you have a lot of complaints well they call me a spindly dope like 20 minutes ago don't you love it when he cancels things like right as we've done all the work and we're five minutes away from doing the thing and then he decides he doesn't want to do it yeah like five crooked staff members have been slacking and texting kendra and i ever since we left for this trip like love it promised you these five things before he left and then he didn't do them will he do them on the road it's our job all right kendra tell me i sometimes feel like i'm not respected maybe sometimes as an artist no i'm sorry please continue i shouldn't finish that sentence

got it okay kendra tell me who is shaniqua so shaniqua is our wonderful amazing director of politics at crooked media i believe her twin sister is actually here tonight. And now it's her identical twin sister. We're both beautiful women. We're both black. We look nothing alike. And yet last year, I believe. Two years ago. Two years ago. Okay. March 24th. John Lovett did indeed call me Shaniqua as we were leaving a restaurant. Now, I would like to talk about this. I'm glad you raised this. Do you think all black women look alike? Now, I want to be clear about something.

I want to be clear about something. This was not a situation where I confused two people. This was a situation where I said the wrong name. Because I was stoned out of my mind. And we were all at a bar together and I had been in a very long conversation with Shaniqua. And then I left the table and then we left together. It wasn't that I saw Kendra and thought that is Shaniqua.

I simply said the wrong name. And we decided, we decided later later yeah listen there's no winning this for me we're cutting this from the show but uh I'm in charge of that we're not but you we we we had a there was a soon after a similar. Oh, we've all made similar. But here's the thing. I don't, here's the thing. I don't have a conversation with Jon Favreau and then call you favs. And then call him what?

Favs. It's only for students. Is there any more questions on your card? Sure, Brian. We'll go to the next question. Oh, excuse me. I'm sorry. So, Brian, tell me, are you an intern or are you just skinny from the stress of this job?

That's such a good question. So after our head writer, Hallie, started, she was like, Hey, Brian, this is crazy. I always thought you were an intern. And Lovett, who was not part of that conversation, was just actually casually walking by, didn't make eye contact with either of us, says, He doesn't look young. He's just skinny.

No, I said, He's not an intern. He's not young. He's just super skinny. Oh, he's just skinny. No, I said he's not an intern, he's not young, he's just super skinny. Oh, that's better. He's a jealousy speaker. What'd you say? That'll cut. Oh, if you didn't catch it, you don't need to hear it. So is this job what drove you to go blind?

That is such a good question. Yeah, I would say I've kind of been like in crisis mode all summer. And that's because of, I'm sorry. No, no, no, I'm not blaming you. I'm saying you know I'm in crisis mode all summer and I will say whenever I'm in crisis mode is when you are cruelest to me.

Like, when I'm doing great love, it's like, you're smart, you're competent. When I'm doing bad, he's like, you stupid idiot. He's like, here's these five things that I would have done differently that would make you less sad. Did you say that? No! That is a made-up thing.

Excuse me. Who buys a dog off Craigslist, you stupid idiot? First of all, I did say who buys a dog off Craigslist because who buys a dog off Craigslist? By the way, for the record, it's a reasonable question

to ask because what did that dog do, Brian? He bit a man's thumb off. And that's real. But it was the man's fault. He bought, just to be clear about what happened, Brian bought a dog off Craigslist, brought it to the,

you didn't adopt the dog from Craigslist. There was no papers. You bought a dog on Craigslist, brought it to the office. Adopted. Brought it to the, you didn't adopt a dog from Craigslist. There was no papers. You bought a dog on Craigslist. You brought it to the office for a full week. The first Saturday he was home, bit a man's thumb off.

Oh, and yeah. It was the last Saturday I was at work and I was talking to you when I got the call from my roommate that said I had to come home immediately.

Because we told him that we weren't comfortable having a strange, untrained, unknown dog that he bought off the internet at our office. Good thing we did because that very day bit a man's thumb off. Go ahead and send the bill

to Love It. Oh, no, no, no. The bill. Oh, I got the bill. That case just settled. It just settled like six months ago. Yeah, it just settled. I settled. What do you pay for a lost thumb? A hundred K exactly. Oh. Yup.

Now. I guess you pay well. Now. No, he does not. Okay. But my renter's insurance really pays out. That's awesome. By the way, we all agree that he's the villain of that story.

Thank you. Okay. that's awesome by the way we all agree that he's the villain of that story thank you okay next question this is good i am like super stressed out right now you're in the hot seat okay brian and kendra what did you think of love it's new single oh wait i'm sorry i mean what do you think of Lovett's new single? Oh, wait, I'm sorry. I mean, what do you think of Lovett being newly not single? Well, I didn't know we were allowed to talk about it. What do you two have to say about this new relationship? Oh, I'm just glad I'm not the only one on the team in a stable relationship now. She comes for me now. It's a reunion.

Side switch. Have you not watched the show? What? No, not a single goddamn second. I didn't know who you were either. Ryan, this is a queen. What? Yeah, now I know.

Now that's obvious. Wait, did you just throw shade at me because you were mad at her? No. Again, it's a reunion. Well, if that's the case, I don't even like your blonde hair, okay? So let's move on. This is going so much better than I thought it would. Brian, how do you feel about Kendra and Lovett incessantly bullying you about not being able to drive a car?

I, okay. He can barely drive. incessantly bullying you about not being able to drive a car. I... Okay. He can barely drive. So I can legally drive. And I actually don't feel that bad about it because I can't drive. I totaled my car earlier this summer and Levitt called me a stupid idiot.

I mean, God, I don't want... Hold on, hold on a second. Because... This is like the fourth accident you've been in. What? This is like the fourth accident. No, okay, so you called me a stupid idiot. Didn't say stupid idiot.

But now, Brian. Yes, dear? People make mistakes. But what happened after you hit a car so badly that your car was totaled? What did you do? I fled the scene. And then, and then, and then, and then, immediately filed a police report against myself.

He did. So just to be clear, which, by the way, was the part I thought was stupid. And so just to be clear, Candy, and I'm so glad. Again, another example where you find out who the villain is so so he crashed in his car which happens and sucks and then you drove away and then you turned yourself in which i think is really nice yeah i'm really nice well you know that's why he went to the police. He didn't go to church.

You know what? I kept calling the police to turn myself in, and they would not pick up the phone. And so it's true. I called like 10 times, and I kept getting voicemail. And I was like, the police has voicemail? And so I followed online. You can do it online.

The problem I have with this story is he totaled the car, so he needed a new car to get to work. He went to a dealership. They presented him with a dollar amount for a car, and he accepted that dollar amount. And then Lovett was like, you stupid idiot. Why didn't you bring me to the dealership? And I was like, why would I bring my boss to a car dealership on a Saturday? Because I love negotiating, and it would have been a great fucking time,

and we could have a better deal on that goddamn Elantra. That's why. Sticker price, my god. You know it. That is very interesting. Okay. In our Atlanta finale this year, I was visibly shocked when Bob Whitfield revealed

his secret daughter at his granddaughter's sip and see. Levin and Brian, you two, you have a similar problem with Kendra, so much so that you keep a list of dropped facts. What's the weirdest thing she's revealed about herself this season? So just so everyone understands, we have an internal Google document where everyone puts in Kendra facts. These are things we've learned about Kendra. They include the fact that she has a collection of Revolutionary War

muskets. Yeah, correct. I do. That she will not watch a dating show in which Americans date each other. Yeah. Because she doesn't want to watch a dating show if she's not going to learn about another culture. Correct. I love 90 day

fiance and i am not ashamed um i would say my favorite kendra fact is adjacent to that and when as she was explaining why her mom has to watch after her snake um there's also a snake yeah there's also a snake a man we were also in austin a man is walking up the street and he's like want to see all my ferrets and And Lovett and I were like, no, we fucking don't. And Kendra was like, ooh, ferrets! And in the middle of the street it was like, pre-ferrets.

I love, I'm an animal lover. Yeah, but not good, nice animals. Ferrets and snakes. Yeah, they're very easy to care for. I like an animal that I don't, like, have to do a lot for. Candy, we should do one last question. Okay.

Because, man, you've been a great host. You got to some depth with us. Well, thank you. You got into it. You have the training. You have the skill. Thank you. You have the background.

And it's so clear. Well, it's so awesome. Maybe it just rubbed off on me because I'm next to you. Wow. You see, remember how much we both don't like Brian? Brian came for me first, okay? Don't start none, won't be none. Love him! To clear the air and to move beyond this in the spirit of healing, now that we've had this conversation, of which we will never speak again. Do not get this water on this woman's hair.

No, no, no. That's right. All right. Hold on. One. It's wine, not water, right, Kendra? One, two, three. I'm sorry.

This is almost like the whiz. It's like the water. No! Hey, don't go anywhere. There's more of Love It or Leave It coming up. Yeah.

This is my pick for my favorite segment of the year. It's not my favorite. It's one of my favorites. As I said, I love Portland. I love the city of Portland.

And I love that freaks make the show and freaks listen to the show. I think this is the best example of that. People are into weird, non-sexual, kinky shit, as this segment shows. And I like people who are enthusiasts for niche, weird things like traffic cones. And yet he makes fun of me for my love of ferrets. Oh, it's a love? I was going to call it a fondness, but if it's love, then I'll legitimize it.

It's complicated. It's time we open the floor to a segment we're calling Keep Portlanders Weird. And before you ask, yes, we're creative and we love a theme. Here's how this is going to work. Brian is out there. Now, now, guys, give it up for Brian.

First of all, it's lovely to see all of you at this sold-out show. Now, here's how this is going to work. Take a moment and think. How weird am I? This is a room with hundreds of people, and I want you to search your soul, and I want you to think, is it possible I'm the weirdest person in this room?

It's not weird that you love your dunk. It's not weird that you stay up late. I want to freak. All right? Now, now that you've searched your soul, I want you to raise your hand if you believe you might be the wow so fast. Holy shit. I want you to raise your hand if you believe you might be the wow so fast. Holy shit. I want you to raise your hand if you think you're the weirdest person in this room. Now, I also want you to keep in mind that this is a podcast that is actually extremely popular.

And so I would like you not to be confessing to a crime. Crime isn't weird. Crime is cool. So this is about being weird. We are going to find ideally five. You got to keep it tight. And then we're going to rank you and find the weirdest person in this room. Okay. Who thinks they've got a shot at this? Wow. Let's go. Let's go to this person. Hi. In one sentence, what makes you weird? When I was younger, my dad worked for the zoo and he would bring home dead animals and I would keep them in formaldehyde.

All right. Can anyone beat that? That woman can beat it. Her hand went up so fast. You're fucked. Let's put formaldehyde up. Now I sound like a killer. Well, now you sound like a killer.

We actually didn't think that, but now we do. When I was in fourth grade, a farmer told me he was going to slaughter all the ponies. So I stole one, took it home, fed it peanut butter and jelly, and let about 200 go free. That's cool. That's cool. All right.

Just going to rank in real time. Let's go back to that woman behind you, because she was so gung-ho. Ma'am, you were ready. I can't beat that. Thank you for admitting it that does mean you're not if you don't believe

you have to believe you're weird this is pretty upsetting but I'll I'll tell you hold on hold on hold on

right now we live in a world where we're all cool and we didn't and we didn't hear it in about 30 seconds, we may have all heard it.

Do you want to live in that world? You can decide no and pass the mic back. Sincerely, right now. If you guys will let me leave the theater at the end of this without... Now we need to hear it.

Let's go. That's a fucking weird... Okay, just so we know where we're at, right now, I have to say, formaldehyde is beating ponies because if the animals are dead, it's weirder. Okay, just so we know where we're at, right now, I have to say, formaldehyde is beating ponies because if the animals are dead, it's weirder. You're up.

I think Mike Johnson is pretty hot. Okay. Okay. Moving up the Leerde board. Let's get two more. Can you beat any of those three? Again, we have someone who is, um... Uh...

I guess... In case... Preserving dead zoo animals. Stealing and feeding ponies. Hundreds of ponies. Hundreds of ponies. Where does that happen? Portland.

Portland. I haven't seen a single pony. And we have finding Mike Johnson hot. By the way, I like that it's only women participating. You fucking boring-ass Portland beta-cuck men. Fucking soft-ass flannel-hiking fleece boys. I'm sorry, who has the mic and how can we help you? Hi.

Hello. Starting in my early 20s, I began a long-running street cone klepto phase to the point to where, like, my boss at my job supported my fucking habit and I had a massive collection of cones. People at my work started giving me like ornaments and then like two weeks ago my other half just shows up with a miniature fucking cone out of

nowhere because it was just a thing. I once stopped on a date driving around town, screeched my tires, picked up a fucking cone, stuck it in my trunk. That was the only date we ever went on. Okay, here's the thing, here's the thing. It's an art because nobody wants to be fucking up anybody's construction sites or safety issues so you look for the orphan

cone and you get the orphan fucking cone. the orphan fucking cone. The cone thing is going up. The cone thing is going up. That, I have to say, that is, you know why? Because it's for,

because it's lifelong. Because it's ongoing. Because it's an unquenchable habit. It does feel vaguely sexual. I've never sat on any of them. The last one that I had, I said never. Young man. But, but, but, and that's what you do it with. But i i do feel like the like the psychic veil between you and

fucking one of these cones it's gossamer the irony you can see you can see through it the irony is you haven't pierced it but you can see through it i hate the color orange oh yeah yeah that's what this is about you hate orange give me a fucking break yeah, that's what this is about. You hate orange. Give me a fucking break. Yeah, yeah. That's when people hate something, they screech their car to a stop and bring it close. Lenny hated the rabbits. Lenny hated those little cute rabbits too. I get it. I'm not indifferent to them.

I get it. The last one I stole I left in my old Nissan Sentra that I recently salvaged and so somewhere salvage yard has my last like pet cone. Absolute stone cold fucking freak.

There is a person here who basically had dead animals as pets and that person is not as weird as you. Take this fucking mic back. You're weirder than them. That's amazing. Does anybody want to take a shot at beating that?

Her hand went up. Her hand went up. I can tell you which animal. No. Wait, wait, I'm sorry. One moment. What's the biggest animal that you put in? It was, no, I'm sorry. One moment. What's the biggest animal that you put in...

It was... No, no, no. Its head was this big, its body was this big. It had just engorged itself on a tortoise. Yuck. I'm sorry I asked. Your position is unchanged. Hi. Hi. Okay, so I live downtown,

and sometimes when I'm walking down the street, I will see people with their dick out, peeing. I've seen people take shits on the ground, just do the most heinous things ever. When I see these things, I do not divert my eyes. A poet must never divert their eyes. I stare right at them, purposely. I can't stop doing it. I have to look. I stare right at them purposely. I can't stop doing it.

I have to look. I have to make eye contact. I have to look. I have to watch the shit come out of their ass. I have to watch them piss. And I don't know why, but I have to do it. It's an intrusive behavior. I can't stop it.

Fucking yes. Yes. You know what's beautiful about that? You know what's beautiful about that? I'll tell you. I'll tell you what's beautiful about that. It's so small. This woman

was stealing dead creatures from a zoo. This person has been stealing construction equipment for two decades. Someone out there released a Roman centurion's worth of horses. And you are the weirdest person here. Oh, thank you. With a glance. Thank you. Thank you. person here with a glance.

These are our final rankings. In five it is Dad Zoo Formaldehyde. In position four Mike Johnson is hot. In three it's Stolen Ponies. And in number two it's Street Cone Klepto. And in number one

number one Intrusive street cone klepto. And in number one, number one, intrusive street piss watcher. You are keeping Portland weird. And we all thank you for it. Okay. My name is Zuri. I'm the video producer. Okay. My name is Zuri.

I'm the video producer. My moment is the rant wheel with Liz Winstead, Miss Pat, Kara Swisher, and Gretchen Carlson. We had Miss Pat on twice this year, I think. And I think she has a cool energy where she knows what we do, but she always does what she does. And I think she makes the show better for that. Also, I don't know. Maybe, Brian, you can tell us how we got Gretchen Carlson on the show. I think that's... Gretchen Carlson was on a press tour. Yeah. Oh, yeah. She came to us. Yeah, she came to us. Maybe, Brian, you can tell us how we got Gretchen Carlson on the show. I think that's... Gretchen Carlson was on a press tour.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. She came to us. Yeah, she came to us. Well, that makes sense. The lion's den. Yeah. I like this because it was the only rant wheel that got sort of combative, I think, between

Lovett and Agassi. Or just, you know, they sort of challenge each other on sort of party norms. And I don't know, it's fun having three great comedians on a show and I think it's indicative of sort of the wildcard booking that makes a show cool. Yeah.

I like that all three of them, all four of them actually, all thought they were the smartest, funniest, most powerful, most influential person on the stage. Yeah, yeah. I think that's always good. All right.

We got a lot of great topics on the wheel. Let's spin it. It has landed on Scott Adams, which I believe was suggested by Kara. Oh, it was. Yeah. Alright, Scott Adams. You want me to do a rant on Scott Adams? Yeah, it's a segment. Scott Adams is a racist. Dilbert was very smart.

A smart comic. He's obviously a smart person. You don't have to like it, but you can acknowledge it's a successful product he created. Yeah, Dilbert, it's good IP. It's fine. But one of my things I had a rant on on Pivot this week is he has taken what is something that is interesting

and has curdled himself in such a way and so intentionally, so intentionally trying to create division and anger wearing Kanye shirts or anti-vax stuff. He's purposely trying to divide for no good reason except his own entertainment and rage. And I don't know if it's real or if it's intentional or whatever, but him being left behind by all these newspapers is precisely what he asked for and is his fault and what he deserves for what's happening here. And for him to play victim, which of course he's doing now, I'll never make money. He's rich as fuck, by the way. And he says, I'm never going to make money. I've been canceled. He's not been canceled. by the way. And he says, I'm never going to make money. I've been canceled.

He's not been canceled. He canceled himself. He deserves every single bit that he's gotten. And the things he said have been hateful, divisive. And I don't even understand why someone would do this in this culture, given how partisan we are, to create such division. And I don't know what to say about people like this, but there's far too many of them on the internet and everywhere else in our lives. So there's my rant.

Sound like I need to go find out who Scott Adams is. Miss Pat? Miss Pat, he's a racist. I don't follow that shit. I got other shit to do. Listen, listen. You know, you really missed a giant Dilbert phenomenon. I, for one, really just Dilbert.

Here's the thing. Look, obviously, we're all rabid Dilbert fans. We all remember when we would race home, race to the mailbox to see the latest Dilbert. Let's spin it again. It has landed on Cancel Culture Does Not Exist. Liz, take it away. I just feel like everyone complaining

about cancel culture is amplified and on a national television show or a Netflix special, J.K. Rowling is not canceled. She has more money than the fucking British royal family. If you have that much money you can't be canceled. More are you just pissed off that you've decided to

take a turn with your comedy or whatever and you've developed a new audience that sucks. I kind of feel like that's just really it if you're still selling on madison square garden you're not canceled you just have a lower quality of people coming to see you not my problem maybe yours it is a sort of i want to be free to say this thing that i know bothers you but i want you to say you still love me. That's sort of what the J.K. Rowling energy is. It's similar to the Dilbert thing,

which is this idea that like, hi, I'm sorry, I am used to the idea that my respect is assumed, not earned, and I'm really not interested in earning your respect, and that is deeply frustrating to me. Right, I mean, I think one of the things about cancel culture is people who are canceled

never shut the fuck up about it. Right. I mean, I think one of the things about cancel culture is people who are canceled never shut the fuck up about it. Yes, I agree with you because they cancel my chase card and I'm pissed the fuck off. I'm never going to shut up. Turn my shit back on. I'm gonna pay you when I get it. You turn it back on. Such an important point. Let's spin it again. It has landed on LastPass. This is my topic.

LastPass is a password manager. In August, LastPass announced that a hacker had managed to steal a company's source code but denied any user information had been exposed. In December, LastPass admitted that the hack was much worse than they acknowledged at the time and that the user's encrypted and cryptographically hashed password had absolutely been

compromised. Now on Monday, LastPass revealed that the same hacker was able to hack into an employee's home computer and get to an encrypted corporate vault that Monday, LastPass revealed that the same hacker was able to hack into an employee's home computer and get to an encrypted corporate vault that only four LastPass engineers had access to. Among other very important things in the vault, a shared cloud storage system that held the encryption keys for customer vault backups. Hey, LastPass, what are you doing, buddy? You're the last line of defense. I've been walking around telling people to use a password manager for years because they're awesome.

They're super secure. You only have to remember one thing. They're automatically loaded into your computer. Mission Impossible figured this out in 1996. Your most sensitive information has to be on one computer in a room where the floor is lava. That's what Mission Impossible in 1996 was all about. the floor is lava that's what mission impossible in 1996 was all about the floor is lava and people don't talk about it that way because what tom hanks did tom cruise did

tom hanks tom cruise tom cruise did it tom hanks does not do that kind of thing that's not the energy he brings he knows where his strengths are as does tom cruise the point is mission Impossible should have been called Mission Impossible colon The Floor is Lava. It's the best example of The Floor is Lava. But the point is, a lot has happened since 1996, but that hasn't changed. You're not allowed to have the most sensitive stuff

accessible from someone's home computer. I know we're all going hybrid, and the pandemic changed everything, but the guy with the super secret vault has to be at the office, so the only way you can hack into that computer is you gotta put a little bit of poison in their lunch. So they start a pukey pukey,

and then you have Jean Reno and the fucking Vince with a mouse, because there's also a sound thing. The point is, lastPass, I trusted you. You know what, John? You should use 1Pass. I'm going to, 1Password, right? Yeah, 1Password.

You know, the fucking infrastructure. I got to switch to get away from these LastPass people that just left the barn door wide the fuck open. I think Scott Adams had racist LastPass codes. Five really racist words. Yeah, that's probably right. That's probably right. Which is another bummer about Dilbert. The thing that means so much to all of us.

His tie is bent from sitting. It's super important. If Dilbert was part of your last pass, change that shit. Change it. I'm so glad I don't know what last pass is. Or Dilbert. Or Dildo.

Let's spin it again. It has landed on Gretchen's rant, which is? There should be a financed independent party in America. Okay. Yes. He's sitting back. Yes. I'll be quiet.

Tell me why. Okay, you're sitting back. Tell me why. And I'm going to explain to you why. Please do. Because 43% of all Americans identify as independent. And they have no fucking where to go. Because they don't like the right, and they don't like the far left, and they sometimes see compromise,

which, by the way, has become the ugly C word on Capitol Hill. Do you remember in the good old days where we actually got shit done? Well, we passed the CHIPS Act. We passed the infrastructure bill. Those were both bipartisan. I actually passed two bipartisan bills last year myself. That's four. That's right. However. What's the C word?

That is compromise. Oh, I thought you said compromise. Yeah, the other one. I was thinking it, Ms. Pat. You know, it was a con Dilbert. I was thinking that word, too. I am not the comedian, but that's why I said it. Okay.

All right. Thank you. I just want to make sure I follow your story. You're following me. Yeah. She can't say that word. She was Miss America once. Oh, God.

You was Miss America? Let's not go there. Yes. I'll tell you later. Okay. Finish your rant. Let's not go there. Well, your crown is gone.

You can say it. Yeah. She can't. As I told you, my life has worked in mysterious ways. So that's back for the green room. Come on. We need a purple party. Let's hear about it.

Yes, purple party. No, I'm not saying the purple party. I don't care what we call it. But there's a huge swath of Americans who feel like they have no voice. I'm being totally serious right now. And the thing is, there's no money behind the independent party. So nobody can win. there's no money behind the independent party. So nobody can win. Anyone who's won as an independent candidate has already been a candidate as a Republican or a Democrat, right? Because they're

a name commodity. So people know them. So they say, oh, I'm suddenly an independent. So now they win. For somebody like myself who might want to get into politics, and I don't want to be in either party, because I'm actually might want to find compromise, I have no money behind me to run for office. Do you think Joe Biden does want to compromise? He just did an event with Mitch McConnell about a bridge opening in Kentucky. Here's why I'm pushing on this. My sincerely view of this is that when people call for- The money behind him will not allow him to do that. That's what I'm trying to tell you. Will not allow him to compromise to the degree where we actually- Yes. And like I said, I've gotten compromise done as well, but not to the degree that we need to get it done

to keep this country functioning. So let's put money behind an independent party so we can get shit done. And actually, people who want... 43% of Americans agree with me, but there's no money behind it. And the problem is

our American politics have turned into money. That is the problem. Do you want a better country? Yes. I do. Well, I just... I appreciate that,

but I'll tell you what my view of this is. This is my problem with Andrew Yang, which I've also told him face-to-face in a conversation that went okay. Told who? Andrew Yang, who did doing the forward party. But no, but I think sometimes what when people... It has to be the right messenger

by the way. For sure it has to be the right messenger. You should get Chief Laird behind you. But they're not open on Sundays. That sometimes when people say what they want is a third party, sometimes what it feels like what they want is a center left politician who isn't attacked by the right. In other words, someone who will pursue the policies of what a moderate Democrat would pursue without all the pesky politics that makes them seem bad to a big

chunk of the country. The problem is anyone who might get within a stone's throw of having that kind of power will ultimately unleash the kind of attacks that make someone unpalatable, even if they end up having the same politics as Joe Biden or any other kind of center left Democrat. But you're getting to the point of pass the primaries. My point is that because we have a primary system, if I'm an independent registered voter, I can't vote in the primaries. This is how we get the fringe people elected. We didn't get the fringe people. We had Joe Biden versus Donald Trump. We had a center-left Democrat versus a right-wing autocrat. Joe Biden being elected was a miraculous outcome, okay?

Yes, it was. He was never expected to win. Who do you think the radicals on the left are? I'm just curious when you say both sides, I'm just curious what that looks like for you. There are fringe people on both parties. Listen, most people would agree that the people in the center, which is moderate on both sides, have nowhere to go anymore. You do have somewhere to go.

Come on over here with us, Gresham. I am over here with you. I am. That's the problem. Y'all keep trying to create shit we don't need. If you don't like them, just come on over here with us. I'm trying to get shit done. That's the problem. Y'all keep trying to create shit we don't need. If you don't like them, just come on over here with us. I'm trying to get shit done. That's the difference. You ain't going to never get shit done because these white men ain't going to let us divide.

So come on over here with us and eat some collard greens, girls. Very nice. I love collard greens. That's a wonderful invitation. That's a wonderful invitation. I think you should take it. And I have gotten it done. Which is why I'm promoting doing more of it. I'm with should take it. And I have gotten it done, which is why I'm promoting doing more of it. I'm with Liz, country over party. I think that there is a big desire on the part of

a lot of people for something that doesn't feel like it's part of this divisive, horrible, cruel system. But my honest feeling about it is that what makes right now the driving force of what makes our politics so vicious, so cutthroat is actually, I'm not saying there aren't figures on the left that aren't horrible, but for the most part, what ends up happening is even center left democratic figures are painted with this horrible brush by a vast right-wing media ecosystem. And so my view of this is there's no way to get out of this without attacking the real cause of this polarization, which is in some part coming from the left, but in large part coming from the right. I'm not disagreeing with you on that at all. I'm not disagreeing with you at all. I'm saying that there is a huge swath of Americans

that want to find compromise. And what I would say is the best way to build a politics that's less divisive is to figure out a way to convince those Americans to support center and center-left Democrats because that is where I think the answer is. And I'm also glad that you pronounced divisive divisive. And Cara, you did too. I like to say it that way. I'm educated that way. Let's spin it

one more time. Thank you. Applause, Gretchen. Thank you. Applaud Gretchen. Thank you. Oh, yes. It has landed on whatever the fuck Miss Pat wants to rant about. My rant is not going to be about no damn politics, okay? My rant is about the cost of eggs.

I went in the store the other day. The last time I went shopping, it was $1.99 for 12. It was $7. What the hell is going on with eggs? Is chickens going to the hospital and pushing these bitches out? Because I want to know why eggs are $7 for a fucking dozen.

I mean, at this point, we're going to have to eat the shell, Grisham. I mean... We're going to have to if we keep this up. I'm going to have to lay some damn eggs. Because I'm 50, and I'll still be popping eggs, but they don't develop into nothing. Be careful what state you're going to lay your eggs in.

Well, I've had a few abortions. This is my vagina. If I want to stick firecrackers in it, set this bitch on fire. Nobody. Let me tell you something. Nobody tells me what to do with my pussy. Nobody helped me lift my stomach up to shave it.

So I got control of where I lay my eggs at. Miss Pat is the third party to do this. Nice. Thank God they don't hatch anymore. I like the don't fuck with my pussy party. Can that be the third party?

Yeah. Gretchen's in. You can all agree on that. That's the red wheel. So, Malcolm here. I'm back. I just wanted to... Nobody cares.

Oh, my God. I just wanted to say thank you guys for listening and for supporting us. You're welcome. Yeah. Anytime. Yeah, of course. And also thank you to the audience. Oh.

Yes. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. For listening. And just to close it off, I wanted to end with a really nice moment from this year. In February, we had one of my favorite actors, Lance Reddick, on. And this was shortly before he passed. I think he died two or three weeks right after that. And I remember when he was on, he just really tied together a pretty manic segment in like such a genuine and authentic and real and sweet way. And it's a clip I regularly play back. It's just, well, I guess no further ado.

Here's Lance Reddick's plea to the aliens to save humanity. God bless. Thanks. So let me start with the dogs. How many people here follow me on social media? Okay, three people. But, so you know,

I post a lot of dog videos. So if you're going to hire somebody to be Perry Mason, it wouldn't be me. Because the past several years I have lost a lot of faith in humanity. And i've wondered if we deserve to be here over and over and over again i'll see the greatest amounts of kindness

the greatest amounts of thoughtfulness the greatest amounts of patience and i'll think maybe there's something to this like you know good and evil is always fighting and it's just going to be that way so So here's what I think. I think the aliens should give the whole planet two months. And watch. I don't know. But I mean, if they've got the technology to fly light years, they've got the technology to monitor every single one of us. And just see who has the capacity for kindness every single day and who doesn't just see who has the capacity for kindness every single day

and who doesn't. And who has the capacity for kindness? Keep them. Who doesn't? Fuck them. Love it. And barring that, save my wife because she's the sweetest woman in the world.

Save my son and my daughter because my daughter's a nurse and my son's a paramedic and they save lives. And saved my dogs because I had to say that out loud because I got to go home with my wife tonight.

And that's it. That's it. Thanks to everyone who listens to this nonsense and also what a weekday and everyone who came to an LA show or a tour show. We're going to bed. There's 317 days until the 2024

election. See you sluts next year. If you're already doom scrolling, don't forget to follow us at Crooked Media on Instagram and Twitter. You can also find Love It or Leave It on YouTube for access to your favorite segments and other exclusive content. And if you're as opinionated as we are, consider dropping us a review. Finally, you can join our Friends of the Pod subscription community for ad-free episodes, exclusive content, and a great discussion on Discord. Plus, it's a great way to get involved with Vote Save America, so sign up today at crooked.com slash friends. Love It or Leave It is a Crooked Media production. It is written and produced by me, John Lovett, and Lee Eisenberg. Kendra James is our executive producer. Brian Semel is our producer, and Malcolm Whitfield is our associate producer. Hallie Keeper is our head writer. Sarah Lazarus, Jocelyn Kaufman,

Peter Miller, Alan Pierre, Will Miles, and Mohana Dalsheki are our writers. Evan Sutton is our editor. Kyle Seglin and Charlotte Landis provide audio support. On the Road, Vengel and Von Schroeder is our tour manager. Stephen Colon is our audio engineer, and Milo Kim is our videographer. Our theme song is written and performed by Sure Sure. Thanks to our designers Jesse McLean and Bernardo Serna for creating and running all of our visuals, which you can't see because this is a podcast, and to our digital producers Zuri Urban, David Tolles, Mia Kelman, and Matt DeGroot

for filming and editing video each week so you can. Love it or leave it. Love it or leave it. It's love it or leave it.