Lovett or Leave It - MAGA’s Uncivil War

Episode Date: March 21, 2026

Trump counterterrorism chief Joe Kent abandons ship, Tulsi Gabbard and Markwayne Mullin flounder in front of Congress, and Trump steers the nation straight into disaster. Meanwhile, Republicans are at each other’s throats and hitting below the belt. This week, Maria Bamford riffs on stand-up, mental health, and doing impressions of your dad you know he’ll hate. Utkarsh Ambudkar and Nico Santos give Lovett a taste of his own medicine, the medicine being spooky ghosts. And to close us out, we look back at it, with a juicy round of Second Thoughts.

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We've never done the show here before. Very exciting. We've got a great show for you tonight. Maria Bamford is here. Utkars Ambukar is here. Nico Santos is here. We'll be talking about some intrusive thoughts and hopeful news. Then the return of the egg of truth.

And of course, we'll wrap it up with a round of second thoughts. But first, let's get into it for a week. Infoiting. Inflining. Infoiling. Well, you know what that sounds means. There's a political party in America that's collapsing under the weight of its internal contradictions,

political failures, and long-simmering resentments, and twist. It's the Republicans. For once. Yes, the girls are fighting, and if we think it's bad now, just wait for the live reunion episode at the Hague. On Tuesday, Joe Kent, a high-ranking counter-terrorism official,

resigned in protest writing, I cannot in good conscience support the ongoing war in Iran. Iran posed no imminent threat to our nation. Oh, you're trying to use your good conscience in the Trump administration? No, no, you've got to let that demon out said a completely nude Lindsey Graham

prancing around the situation room while watching bombs fall on Tehran set to Robbins dancing on my own. Trump reacted to Kent's resignation on Tuesday. Well, I read his tape, and I always thought he was a nice guy, but I always thought he was a nice guy, I thought he was weak on security, very weak on security.

I didn't know him well, but I thought he seemed like a pretty nice guy. So Trump nominated a guy he always thought was weak on security to lead the National Counterterrorism Center. Why? What was he tough on? Staines? But before you put this guy on your No Kings poster, Biz Kent is my Superman, that kind of thing. be aware he has ties to white nationalists

and he has long embraced anti-Semitic conspiracy theories as the saying goes, a broken clock is right twice a day even if the clock broke because it was hurled through the window of a synagogue. Kent even has a tattoo and this is true of a German panzer tank and in this case, that Nazi tattoo is unforgivable.

In the wake of Kent's resignation, Trump's director of national intelligence, and person who seems like they could do a hit and run and then immediately go surfing. Tulsi Gabbard testified at a Senate intelligence hearing. Here's Senator Mark Warner grilling Gabbard on why her oral testimony and written testimony were different. In your printed testimony today on page six, as a result of Operation Midnight Hammer or AN's nuclear enrichment program was obliterated. There's been no efforts to try to rebuild their enrichment capability.

you omitted that paragraph from your oral opening. Was that because the president said there was an imminent threat two weeks? No, sir. I recognized that the time was running long and I skipped through some of the portion. You chose to admit the parts that can contradict the president. It's true. She omitted that to avoid contradicting the president, but also the president contradicted the president.

If you say Iran's nuclear program wasn't obliterated, you are contradicting the president. But if you say Iran's nuclear program was obliterated, you are also contradicting the president who claims Iran is an ongoing and immediate nuclear threat. It's quite the minefield for Gabbard. Might as well just send her through the Strait of Hormuz. Instead of giving a clear answer, by the way,

at some point during the run through today, Sarah, one of the writers was like, hey, straight of Hormuz seems to be a punchline three times. and it was like, oh, we need to sprinkle in more straight of Hormuz. I actually think you could develop a, like, tool where the frequency of discussion of the straight of Hormuz lets you know how destabilize the planet is, right? Like, the less you're thinking about the straight of Hormuz,

the safer moment of time. Now, instead of giving a clear answer to whether the intelligence community thought that Iran posed an imminent threat, Gabbard claimed that only Donald Trump could make that determination. Is it the assessment of the intelligence community that there was a, quote, imminent nuclear threat posed by the Iranian regime? Yes or no? Senator, the only person who can determine what is and is not an imminent threat is the president. False.

It is not the intelligence community's responsibility to determine what is and is not an imminent threat. Okay. That is up to the president based on a volume of information. No, it is precisely. it is precisely your responsibility to determine what constitutes a threat to the United States.

Intelligence community, it can't be responsible for determining what is and isn't a threat. That would distract them from their core mission doing coups in Latin America. Speaking of what goes on below the equator, many of us discovered that there was an ongoing feud this week when former Fox News hosts

and current person who angrily says, finally, when grabbing her sushi from the Uber Eats driver, Megan Kelly, posted this about conservative host Mark Levin, and here's the quote from Megan Kelly, Micropenus Mark thinks he has the monopoly on lewd. He tweets about me obsessively in the crudest nastiest terms possible, literally more than some stalkers I've had arrested.

He doesn't like it when women like me fight back because of his micropenus. Yikes. Don't coffee Megan before she's had her micropeas. penis. This was in response to an insulting post by Levin about Megan over her criticism of Trump's war in Iran. Trump then came to micro penis Marx, I'm sorry, Mark's defense, posting that Levin was under siege by other people with far less intellect, capability, and love for their country. Trump added that Mark Levin's penis was, quote, within the normal human range. Marjorie Taylor Green then tagged in to say, quote, I wholeheartedly support Megan Kelly telling

the world that Mark Levin has a micro penis. For too long, she sat idly by while bad faith actors falsely claimed that Mark Levin was working with a real womb broom down there. Speaking of Dix, J.D. Vance is also caught in the middle of this MAGA Civil War. I like it. I like it. Past skepticism of foreign

adventurism. Are you completely on board with the current war Iran. I know what you're trying to do, Phil. You're trying to drive a wedge between members of the administration between me and the president. What the president said consistently, going back to 2015, and I agreed with them, is that Iran should not have a nuclear weapon. Now, Vance never actually says that he's completely on board, and we've seen Leakes saying that Vance was actually opposed to the strikes in Iran, but sorry, man. You can't have it both ways. It's like going to the cheesecake factory and ordering from the skinnylicious menu.

It's stupid. You're not fooling anybody. And either way, your straight-of-or-moos is all clogged up. Okay. Stupid, skinny-licious, man. You get that out of here. It's not why I'm here. I came here to fuck.

All right. Absent public support, Trump claimed twice that in private, a former president told him that he wished he'd been the one to attack Iran. I've spoken to a certain president, who I like, actually. a past president, former president. He said, I wish I did it. I wish I did. But they didn't do it.

I'm doing it. Yeah. I can't tell you this. I don't want to embarrass it. It would be very bad for his career, even though he's got no career. That's so many likes. There are only four living presidents, Bill Clinton, George W. Bush, Barack Obama, and Joe Biden. Jimmy Carter is technically dead, though he's trapped in a liminal space between this world and the next

because he has unfinished business sleeping with a second woman. After Trump repeated this claim, Peter Ducey tried to get him to say which president he'd spoken with. I just want to ask you about something very interesting that he said twice today. That you talked to another former president about the Iran strikes. Was it George Lepush? No. Was it Bill Clinton? I don't want to say.

It's so funny. By the way, if you want to know how you end up in a war in Iran where you have the president begging NATO to help him after the fact, he didn't figure out that he was in a trap. Until the second question. Do you see that? Was it George Bush? No. Was it Bill Clinton?

Oh, fuck. I just was at a funeral with all these guys, and there's not that many fucking guys. But then, people, close to all four living presidents denied that any of them had had a recent conversation with Trump. So is Trump just making it up? Possibly he does that. But there was also this Atlantic story about how Trump's personal phone number has been widely circulated

and he'll answer a call from basically anybody. Which does raise the possibility that someone is catfishing Donald Trump with an AI version of Bill Clinton and telling Trump through AI Bill Clinton to bomb Iran or is Darrell Hammond an agent of Mossad? And I don't want to speculate. Yes, he is. Trump also spent the week angrily posting about how mad he is that none of our European allies have been willing to join the conflict while also claiming we don't need any help because

it's going so good. Here's the thing. You gotta ask your allies if they're down for the war before you start the war. You can't hire a getaway driver when the bank robbery is underway, and the cops have already blocked off the Strait of Hormuz. Trump's international charm offense have continued on Thursday when he met with the Prime Minister of Japan at the White House, and a Japanese reporter asked this.

Why didn't you tell U.S. allies in Europe and Asia, like Japan, about the war before attacking Iran? So we are very confused about we Japanese systems. Well, one thing you don't want to signal too much. You know, when we go in, we went in very hard, and we didn't tell anybody about it because we wanted surprise. Who knows better about surprise than Japan? Okay, why didn't you tell me about Pearl Harbor, okay?

First of all, JD Vance can't do that. Come on. That's fucking top tier, 10 out of 10. You know, Trump's staff put together a prep doc for him. And the dock was just one note card, all caps. Do not bring up Pearl Harbor. So Trump has alienated our allies and a lot of his base over the war. Meanwhile, he's putting pressure on Senate Republicans to pass his voter ID law,

which does not have enough Republican votes to pass. But look, sometimes, as hard as you push, you can't get her there, said Mark Levin. Republicans also can't agree on Trump's nominees, like Senator Mark Wayne Mullen, who is his pick to replace Christy Nome as the head of the Department of Homeland Security. And it's not an easy job. Mullen has some pretty big Cory Lewandowski's holes to fill. This led to my favorite Republican feud of the week, non-micropinous category, which is Senator Rand Paul, Mullen's colleague on this committee, the Homeland Security Committee,

tore into Mullen for comments Mullen made joking about Paul's 2017 assault by his neighbor. Tell it to my face. If that's what you believe, tell it to me today. Tell the world why you believe I deserve to be assaulted from behind, have six ribs broken and a damaged lung. Tell me to my face why you think I deserved it. And while you're at it, explain to the American public why they should trust a man with anger issues to set the proper example for ICE and Border Patrol agents. I obviously don't think Mullen is the right person to lead DHS, but Paul is making, unfortunately, a pretty strong case for why Mullen is the right person to lead Trump's DHS. Besides, this is America.

Basically, men with anger issues are the only people we trust to run things. We barely let Ellen be mean. But just wait until you hear what Senator Joni Ernst had to say. I hope that the president is watching. I am going to say to the president, I am really upset that he has made your nomination. At which point, Mark Wayne Mullen pulls up a folding chair, a bobbing chair, a bobbing chair. his head as Joni Ernst continues. Because I will be losing from the Senate

one of the best friends that I have here. At which point he opens the chairs if he were setting it up for someone. Did you just awe that? Fuck you. What the fuck is that? So that's where we're at. Maga is melting down.

Gas prices are through the roof. Republicans are at each other's throats and no one feels more betrayed than Trump's own voters. which is why we will give one Trump voter the final word tonight. If you could say something to President Trump and he was going to hear you right now, what would it be? You are a worthless pile of shit.

And you voted for him how many times? Three times. That was my bad. Apparently, I'm an idiot. No, babe. We love you. We're obsessed. We'll see you at CrookedCon. All right. And we will be right back with Maria Banford. Hey, don't go anywhere.

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Crooked.com slash friends. All right. Yeah. My first guest is your favorite comedian's favorite comedian and the subject of Judd Abattow's new documentary, Paralyzed by Hope, the Maria Bamford story. It's Maria Bamford. Hi, thank you for being here. For having me on the show. No, no, oh, God. I'm making too much of a meal of it. How are you?

So good to see you. Thanks for being here. Thank you so much for having me. What a delight. Hey, what's it like being a documentary subject? Well, I thought it might be exhausting because I'm an introvert. And what they do is they follow you around with the camera for years. And so I said myself, how am I?

How can I get paid for this? And so that was part of the whole reason I did. It was half the documentary is me trying to get paid. At least in my opinion. It was, yeah. And it was filmed for four years? Four years. Four years.

Well, and it's very Los Angeles type thing where they go, oh, my God, we have this great idea. And then maybe something happens with it or maybe not. And, yeah, so I wanted to have a little bit of cash in exchange for all that. Because it was a documentary, but also they'd say, hey, could we take that again from the beginning? Wait a minute. Show business. Yeah.

So, but it was tons of fun. I'm extremely grateful. But again, yeah, I'm in the back nine of life. I don't want to spend any more time in front of a camera unless I'm being paid. Now, in the documentary, Conan describes you as a lobster who's been taken out of her shell. but still feeling everything. Does that feel true to you? I think he's, I mean, much respect, all honor.

And maybe he's projecting? I feel like I'm tough as nails. I have a bit of a tremor, and I have a high voice so people often think, oh, is something wrong? It's not, really. Or at least I feel pretty good. So, you know, maybe they're seeing something I don't.

But I think I'm like a hog, like a strong hog. Yeah, hogs are really tough. They're resilient. They're very smart. The feral ones, they'll eat anything. Yeah. They'll eat a garden hose. They'll be like delicious.

Yeah. I wish there was more garden hose at this restaurant. Yeah. Put me in a confinement system. I'll eat everything you want me to eat. I'm that way, too. That's something that we have in common. Put me in a confinement system.

I'll eat what you want me to eat. I'm always saying that. So funny that you said that that way. But no, but it's interesting. I actually did want to ask you about this because you have this, and you talk about this in the movie too, which is you're someone who a lot of your stand-up

historically has been about like your, like just the challenges of life, the challenges inside your own brain. Yeah, yeah. And yet, you're extremely successful. You're like, you have the, but you are. You're very successful. And you have the confidence to do what only you could do, which speaks to a strength as well.

So I wonder if there's like a way in which you feel like a contradiction there about being kind of a mess, but also a huge success. Yeah. Well, I think also I'm my mental health issues are very low, low grade, like bipolar two, which is like, you know, I don't have the experience of psychosis. I haven't had, was able to hold down full-time jobs and stuff when I wasn't working in show business now. Yeah, and I'm, yeah, I'm also in show business, personalities that are bizarre or seam on the edge are okay. Whereas, yeah, I know when I worked in corporate America,

people would be like, everything okay with their kid, you know? And, yeah, I didn't, I didn't ride. through the ranks of corporate America. You're kidding. You hit the glass ceiling. I hit some, yeah, some sort of ceiling. Was it clear? How clear was it?

Was it foggy, translucent, mirrored? Was it smoky? What kind of glass ceiling we're talking about? Well, I think I just didn't want to go through it. I sat beneath it and pondered wondering. Yeah, I wasn't very success-oriented. I'm not sure, yeah. I'm grateful.

Yeah, I have plenty of success. I had a TV show. Everything that's ever, I've ever wanted has happened. Except for what's the next thing. Figure skating? Boy, we're going to, I'm excited for that phase. I'm excited for that phase. Right.

I've seen a lot. Somehow I'm getting a lot of memes on my Insta about figure skating as an older person. Amen. Can I tell you something that I secretly believe, a thought that I've never said out loud? Okay. I don't think they can count how many times people are going around up there. It's too fast. I just think, okay, yeah.

No, for sure, four. I believe you. What? No. Come on. Grow up. That's fair point. I don't know.

So the documentary, yeah, I don't know if it's sold. not yet available on streaming services, so now it's just in festivals. Oh, that's fun. I don't know. Yeah, why did I feel the need to tell you that? Does anybody want to buy it? Jad Apato spent a lot of money.

Trying to understand, you've finished three years of the filming the documentary, and he's like, I almost got it. We've got to get one more year out of you. This is the hilarious. The guy who's shooting at lovely, Neil Berkeley, he's done so many beautiful documentaries. He kept asking throughout, he would say, as he was watching my life unfold, would say,

God, what is this about? Hey, Neil, that's my, that's, that's, it's very existential. And I get it. I'm living this, but, yeah, it was hilarious. In the doc, your dad cried the first time he heard you do an impression of him. Is that right? Yeah, my dad, I did a bit of a personation. My mom, who she can, she still talks from heaven. And guess what heaven is? It's the Delta Sky Club in Atlanta. So it's a little hot and crowded. Um, so, but my dad, my dad got jealous and was like,

oh, you're doing an impressionation. Oh, my puppy, have your dad. And then I did it. And he cried. I said, what he, pussy? No, he didn't know. But, yeah, so I think it is really scary to have somebody do an impersonation of you to your. So I've had people do impersonation with me to my face, and you're like, Oh, that's what I... Have you had that where somebody does an impersonation?

You know, only in anger. Only in anger, never with love. So it's something to hope for. So it's hard to separate the feeling of it from the impression from the intent of the impression, which was to harm. Because, you know, my friends and I used to have a saying, which was, I'm just being hurtful. Which is like, no, no, it's not true. It's not true.

I'm just being hurtful. Yeah. Right? That's why I said it. It's a mean thing. I said, don't worry about it. I'm just being hurtful. Yeah.

Because the real things that hurt are things when they're not trying to be hurtful. You know, that's why when you hear somebody's talking about you're behind in your back, you're like, my God. Yeah. That's what they think of me. Or it's something that's like a given. It's like, yeah, I know. I know that's, you know.

But yeah, I don't, I'm not always for that. People say, oh, I'm just kidding. Oh, I'm just kicking. I'm just kicking you. You know, I mean, why not get violent? I'm sorry. Yes. Do you have, so a lot of this is about how beloved you are as a comedian.

Yes. Is there advice you have that you would give an up-and-coming, extremely talented, comedian who might feel like they're kind of unusual in a way that makes it a little harder for less, more usual people to see it, you know? Well, I mean, there's always, I'm my biggest fan. So even if nobody likes what I do, I think I'm fucking hilarious. So that's a pretty tight market. If I can sell stuff to this person, yeah, just keep going. If you enjoy what you're doing and believe in it, then keep going. Now, there's, of course, no guarantee.

And that's the sad thing because there's certainly barriers. I really hate it in Los Angeles. Somebody goes, you know, I made a vision board. and it's crazy because I just I'm directing a short and it's like like

that's not going to happen for everybody you know what I'm saying like if you get people of a vision board make vision boards in like yeah a poor area of

Appalachia they're just going to have a lot more hurdles to go through even if they have cut out a picture of an Emmy and pasted it pasted it on a peepsa hard word, you know, just

it's not right. And don't do it for, and wherever you're from, don't do it for the Emmys. Don't do it for the Emmys. Well, here's a lesson from a vision board workshop. Once, I was at one in Los Phyllis, and there were hundreds of magazines, and we ran out of Emmys and Academy Awards.

And isn't that a lesson for us all? And I bet you didn't run out of scientists. Something to think about. Now, one last question before we get to the game. So you've talked about having intrusive thoughts. Talked about it in the dock. Classic, serial killing, cannibalizing your family. Do you still have them?

No. Well, I had a child. I don't know where they came from. I mean, I think everybody has them in terms of you have them for a second. And then you just go, oh, that was weird. And then you move on. But if you have an OCD tendency, then you kind of go, oh, God. And then you start doing things like gripping your hands.

at odd intervals and driving your car around the block to make sure you didn't hit a nun. That is the fun thing about OCD is hearing people's very specific fears. Mine are more like if a phone call drops. I assume there's been a 9-11 of some kind. Oh, there's been a death? A mass death.

Usually it's like, oh, the earthquake has already begun where the part of town they're in. And I'm about to feel a Mexico City 10-point earthquake. but nobody knows yet. And so their building's already down dead. Okay. Handcake, no triangle of life for them. Okay.

And I feel it really vividly. And again, as everybody knows, I'm too busy to be in therapy right now, but I'm going to get, I'm so busy. So, but everyone on the other side of the phone call is dead. Well, and, you know, as long as that doesn't keep you from living your life, you know, seriously, I mean, if it doesn't bug you that much,

you know, if it doesn't stop you from, you know, oh, God, I got to check if that person really does. didn't die in a terrible earthquake with a thousand other people. I just call them back. You just call back. And usually they're there. Or they're taxed. You're taxed.

Or they taxed. Which is why it's time for a segment we're calling. The glasses have full of intrusive thoughts. Woo! And here's how it works. I'm going to offer you an actually intrusive thought I've had. And Maria, you will reply with something you find hopeful about it. I will also read you a bit of hopeful news from the week.

And you'll just share what. intrusive thought is sparked. Okay. All right. Here's something that I have an intrusive thought about all the time. The digital footprint I've created will outlive me and therefore will ultimately be more of what I was than what I was offline. That the digital me is more me than the real me.

Okay. And the hopeful thought is, what a way to go. Oh, my God. I've died, but I haven't. or really the best parts of me live on. And I mean, yeah, I don't know. Yeah, it seems awesome. Yeah.

An Icelandic firefighter came up with a plan to steer his homeland's lava rivers away from important Icelandic landmarks. This hero who is 6'5 is known as Iceland's lava cooling manager. He's saved whole towns. Oh my gosh. And did you know that some people don't eat crushed ice

because it seems as if they're eating baby bones. On Sunday, the sinner's director of photography, Autumn Dorold Arkapau, became the first woman to win an Oscar for Best Cinematography. Oh, isn't that nice? Well, if sometimes this one guy kept thinking that he, his penis was getting smaller, and so he had having to check to see if it was getting smaller

and people thought he was a sex offender when in fact he just had OCD and he was just taking off his pants because he had to know whether it was getting smaller in public places. It's spring, glorious spring, and we're younger than we'll ever be again. Hmm.

Okay. Don't leave me alone with your dog. That's my fear, right? You'll be alone with you. Don't be alone with a dog. Don't be alone with a dog. You don't know, you know, that's the fear. You don't want to be left alone with any sort of helpless animal because you're somehow

dangerous or evil. Oh, wow. Yeah. Oh. Or, yeah, whatever it is. Yeah, people, it's real. Here's my entries of Paul. I was voted off Survivors 47 because of a fundamentally unsolvable problem with my personality.

Or were you given the true gift of being fired, which always creates a sense of relief, an escape, and a high, I want to say. So, yeah. Because were you truly bummed that you got taken off? Yes. And, well, absolutely. Devastated. But I will say everyone, I think, should go through a zero-stakes worst-case scenario, right?

Because getting voted off first was my worst-case scenario. The stakes were actually quite low, right? Like, there are all kinds of worst case scenarios that are very high stakes that you don't want. But to have to, like, go into something where you're like, okay, this is the best outcome, this is the worst outcome. And have the worst outcome happen to you. And then you're like, here I am. Like, like, you're okay, you know. Yeah, no, you keep living and breathing.

And I did a benefit for a schizophrenic research. And turns out the people who hire you for benefits are big fans. the people they are trying to get money from or not. And I went to somewhere in Napa Valley to try to make a bunch of conservatives laugh. And it's a terrible, terrible mistake. The comic brought me up with, is everybody ready to have a good time?

Yeah. And it was so awful. It was quiet for about 10 minutes. And then women started clapping me off because they thought I was done. I had to explain to these bitches. I got 45 more minutes. Now we're all suffering on behalf of schizophrenia research. Which is very funny when you think about it in retrospect.

But yeah, no, it was my worst, like, oh, this is for a good cause. I'm here and I'm here to help. And it's like people are like, you, you have... But then Howie Mandelworth's there at the... end and so people have all perked up. Yeah, he'll bring it home for you up there in Napa. Oh, God, yeah. Yeah, for sure.

Well, you don't have to, you're not at the schizophrenia gala in Napa, and you can go see Maria Bamford. Go to Maria Bamford.com for tickets to see her live and paralyzed by hope. Yeah. Coming to a film festival near you. And if you live in Highland Park, I do a show every Tuesday at 9 a.m. I bring free donuts. Everybody's welcome.

You don't have to have the money, but it's 25 bucks. if you can to give to the theater outside in theater in Highland Park. She's a nonprofit. That's great. Maria Bamford, everybody. We'll be right back. Hey, don't go anywhere. There's more of Love It or Leave It coming up.

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Sign up and get 10% off at betterhelp.com slash love it. That's better. H-E-L-P-L-P-com slash love it. And we're back. Please welcome to the stage. My next two guests, or should I say my next boo-guess? That's right. From CBS Ghost, it's Udkars-Ambudkar. And you've seen him on NBC's St. St. Dennis Medical. It's Nico Santos. Thanks for being here. Wow. So lovely to see you both. Now, on our show, we have a longstanding segment called The Egg of Truth. That's what this is. And we have searingly revealing questions for our guests to answer.

In honor of both of your recent works in Ghosts and St. Dennis Medical, the egg has been morphed and become optimized to remote your current project. So tonight, I bring you a new twist on old classic. It's the haunted egg of truth, MD. Cool. A little spooky because it goes. Yeah, yeah, I like it. Doctor thing and the ghost thing all together, you know.

An egg. Yeah. an egg he's opening the egg for everyone listening he's just open the egg he's unfolded a piece of paper it's not a fabricier

he's going to read it it's a plastic egg but it is gold Lukash let's say you die in a hospital that's so boring where would you want to haunt after you become a ghost if you had the option to choose the first thing that popped into my head

was a chick filet A chick filet. I don't know. I feel like I could do a lot of damage in a chick filet. Yeah, but then you're so bored on Sundays. Yeah. That's true. Well, maybe I would like bang, make it like the window shake or rattle on a Sunday when people go by.

And they'll think it's the wrath of God wanting Chick-fil-A to be open. Oh, shit. Or punishment for being homophobic. Yeah. That too, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, we would punish a lot of homophobic people at Chick-filet, I think. Yeah. Don't you? Oh, yeah, no. Well, I wouldn't know I've never been. It's right. That's how it's pronounced. I've only seen it written.

I've never heard it said. I just would never go there. You can't go. And by the way, like, you can't probably, unless you would go, you wouldn't know if you get the chicken nuggets in the morning during breakfast time when you can't do that at McDonald's next door on Western. You wouldn't know that. No, no.

Because McDonald's doesn't, you can't get nuggets till. after they're done with breakfast. But it's like, if you want nuggets, where are you going to go? Maybe you go to Chick-fil-A, but I won't know that because I won't go there. Which is a shame.

You should try it once. I can't. They're so homophobic. I know. I understand why you don't. And I think they addressed it, but not enough to our satisfaction. Right, Nico?

Absolutely not. Absolutely not. No. That's why we don't go there. Right? I'm like, there's nothing Polynesian about this sauce. You know what?

I don't know. The ranch came from a ranch. Let's do another one. Some people experience deathbed apparitions where they see dead loved ones standing near their hospital bed. Which celebrity would you rather see instead, Nika? Ooh.

Valentino. Oh. Wow, that's interesting. Because I'll be like, you know, assess my outfit, make me an outfit when I die. Oh, that's a very. make sure that I'm like, you know, fabulous when I fucking die.

Yeah, you got to look good. You got to go out looking good. It's like you are wearing rags. You look horrible. Let's put you in something more spark, yeah. Yeah, please see. Oh, Belisima, please. That's such a nice idea.

It's the truth. It's the truth. That's what the egg of truth reveals. There you go. Maria, do you think it's possible to be haunted by the original owner of a donated organ? Oh, God. Yeah.

Especially, yeah. I think it must be possible. I have never experienced any sort of spiritual and or ghost-like experience. So I have nothing to offer. Yeah, I'm sorry. Do you ever do any medical procedures in your own home? Yes. My father is a dermatologist.

So I do know how to remove a skin tag. Let me tell you, you take a piece of showing thread, and you tied around the root of the tag, you tie it super tight. And so it hurts. And then it puffs up because no blood can come in or out, and then it explodes over, you know, of course, it's 72 hours,

remember? And then it scabs. And then it falls off. So now, guess what? You've just removed a pedunculated lesion. Oh, yeah. It's called a podunculated lesion? It is called a podunculated lesion.

And I'd be called Dr. Podunkadunkadunk. That's going to be my drag name. Yeah. A conducinated lesion. I like that. I like that. All right. What was like in?

Oh, wait, you directed episodes of ghosts this season. They did. Smooth segue, baby. You don't need that anymore. No, no need. You got to keep it moving. Speaking of removing, speaking of removing, you see this what you wanted?

You, I mean, look, I want just a little effort. Sometimes, you know what? Speaking of a pedunculated. Sometimes people say being a director is a bit like having to do surgery on an idea. There we go. Yes. Now, Stanley Kubrick directed The Shining, which was also, in a sense, about ghosts. Did you bring a lot of that?

Were you an unbearable monster to your fellow cast members? Did you make anybody cry? Did you make somebody have such a bad experience that they kind of gave up acting? That's what I don't want to start. That's not like a rumor or anything. You're like, who was she? No, no, no. No, no.

No, no. Duvall. No. You know what? The truth is, is I had no respect going into it. And the process, I think it remained the same. I don't think the cast or crew really gives a shit what I say. They don't care.

They love me for who I am, not for the things I do or my mental capabilities. And I think we just sort of tried to have a good time. Everyone did it. The episode is done. It will go on television. and that's that. I'm in the DGA. Fuck off.

That's what it is. I don't know how it went. But no one quit. Hell yeah. Which is a really great bar to set before you start a job. How many takes did you take for each? Some directors will take like two

and then they'll move on. Moving on. Yeah, I'm like, I was like two or three and trying to get people home for dinner. Yeah. Very much. Because that's how I like to work. I like making dinner.

No fun runs, but that's more of a mandate from on high. No more fun runs, baby. What's a fun run? Fun run is like you do one for you, a little improv. Somebody pretends to do some ghost stuff. Maybe you make up some lines. But it's CBS, it's Viacom. We're working, it's a corporate gig.

We're like, I just am never going to get to direct again after this interview. I'm not with that attitude. We got a huge cast, and we have a lot to get done. Ucars, you were selling backstage that on set you became like a family? Yes. But mostly just with my bosses. Right, right, right. And you said you, and you told me backstage that you were open to storylines about how important it is to close the border or that kind of thing.

That's the kind of stuff you're going to get into the future seasons. Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, baby. Yeah, that's right. There's not a Bible I haven't read. tell you that. I read them all. And by the way, read him the second time. You'll see new stuff in it. That's what you were telling me about it.

Yep. About the Bible. Get it, go through a second time. You'll catch up like a now that you know what's going to happen, you see different stuff, you know, the twists and stuff. Yeah. There's a guy named Paul. Did you know that? Yeah. Yeah. He's one of the big ones. He's one of the big ones. See?

Yeah. Speaking of people who observed miracles, you're on a miracle of a comedy called... Yes! Manigal. A real gem.

That's great writing. Now, that was a fun run. So... Are you Mariah and I'm with me right now and we're going to sing, Prince of Egypt? Just two divas. Buying for attention. Nico.

You're Filipino. I am Filipino. And there's a lot of Filipino healthcare. care workers that are often not represented, but they're represented in the show. And I'm curious what that was like. It's kind of crazy that 2025 is when the show premiered. And that was the first time people have seen a Filipino nurse on television, which is so crazy. Like ER was on for how many years?

They had one, I remember. Grace Anatomy had a Filipino nurse towards like the late 20s seasons. It's kind of crazy. But once I appeared and then the pit has three Filipino. healthcare workers. The Filipino community. Wokey R, everybody. Yeah.

Finally. That's cool. Representation matters. And Nico, you used to open from Ria, right? I opened from Ria a long time ago. A long time ago. At the San Francisco Punchline.

And he was a delight then. Oh, yeah. You're a delight. No, really, truly. Listen. Did you work at some, at the time, did you work at like a fancy store?

I, so yeah, I started doing stand-up in S-F. while I was doing retail during the day. So I think at the time when I started, when I opened free, I was still working at a Neiman Marcus. Because Maria, we were saying, oh, what was it like working with Nico?

And you said, he's very funny. He was working at some kind of a fancy store. Yeah. Well, yeah, I would always go to the open mics or the comic club after my shift. So I would be like in my boozy, like, uniform. Yeah, he looked gorgeous.

Yeah. It's like Dior suits. and everything, and all the straight metal comics are like, who the fuck is this guy? I'm like, sorry, I'm not wearing new balances

as a hoodie, but, you know, I try. I make an effort. No, Ucars, you wrote, speaking of dystopian presence, you've been working on a,

a spy-fi comic book. Yeah, I wrote my first comic book. Spy-fi. Boy, I didn't know that was a term. And then I was like, A lot of what I love is SpyFi. Yeah.

You know? Andor. Andor is SpyFi. I thought you were saying and dash or. And I was like, yes. Continue. Got aliens in your thing? No aliens, no.

But it's the future. Romantic comedy. Present? Present day. Rom-Com? Yeah. Wow. The SpyFi means there's like a James Bond type of character.

Yeah. Okay. But he has antennas. He is not a mutant. No, he's a regular human being. close. It's called The Guy in the Chair. It was for Dark Horse Comics. Cool. And the collected work is coming out

on June 16th, which is called a graphic novel, which I hope at least five people in this room know what that is. Yeah, we know what it is. Yeah. It's cool. So it's about a guy named Uby, who is the operator for this assassin. And she ends up getting

framed by the observatory, which is the big system that runs their company. And she has to come and find him. And they run through the streets together trying to clear her name and they fall in love while they're doing it. Do you think that a lot of our problems are because people didn't realize Robocop was meant to be kind of satire? I think it's a huge problem with society. And an even bigger problem is that because nobody realized it, they made Robocop's two and three to actually cater to that audience

that had no clue. It's crazy. Thus destroying the entire franchise. You know what I mean? It's the Jurassic Park thing, dude. Yeah. Or like how in Starship Troopers, it's like, come on. Guys, you remember Starship Troopers. Those bugs? Sure. Casper Van Dean. Those bugs, they didn't do anything

deserve this? Nope. Big, big, beautiful bugs? Jeez. Big beautiful bugs. Let's read this one for anyone who wants to take it. Hey, what wasn't it for the ghost

that gave Dan Akroyd that blowjob in Ghostbusters? It's implied but not shown that he finishes. Where does it go? Does it just shoot through the ghost's head? Some people, whether the ghosts or not, love giving blowjobs. True.

True. But where did the release go? That is the mystery. Oh, the release? My theory is that Dan Aykard probably in his age has some, to say, nerve damage on his penis. At that age? Sure, yeah.

A young, Ray? He has dry orgasms because of nerve damage. Oh, he said SSRIs. Yeah. Oh. So he finishes spiritually. Yes. But not physically.

Yep. Physically, but there's nothing. It's like dust. Hey, man. Speaking of spiritually finishing, we'll be right back. Hey, don't go anywhere. There's more of Love It or Leave It coming up.

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Conditions apply. And we're back! It's that time again. The show is nearly over and I'm beginning to be filled with regret. Or am I? Let's find it out in a segment we're calling Second Thoughts. Oh, here's the second thought. I basically asked Udkarche if he was a monster

and we have only just met. I think in retrospect we could have played that moment, both of us a little bit better. You know, remember when you asked me about fun runs and stuff? I could have lied to you and told you that we do them all the time.

Right. I should have done that. Yeah. Yeah. But that's your... Okay. I don't feel like it was on you. I could ask better questions. That's my job. We shared that moment, bro.

We did. We did. Yeah. We did it together. You led, but I followed. And that's on me. And that's on you. Hmm.

Oh, here's one regret. Did I give the audience new ideas for intrusive thoughts? Ooh. I hope so. It's a bit like the ring and you've put the video in and I've shown you all what happens. What did you mention? And it's okay. Yeah, what did you mention?

Just that every time a phone call drops, I think everybody died. Oh. Thank you for that. Gets very vivid, though. It gets very vivid. Yeah. Like, that's how I know it's a real intrusive thought because I'm, like, upset, you know?

Oh, I should regret what I said about Chick-fil-A. No. No. Oh, do I regret not knowing what a fun run was? Okay, again, how many times do I have to tell people? I'm not in the business. Now, I don't regret that. Let's see.

Oh, do I regret invoking the Jimmy Carter invoking the idea that his ghost is interested in banging a new broad? No, I don't regret that either. Brea, do you have any regrets about tonight? Oh, I feel very good about what I've done, and I feel grateful. And it was kind of already on my vision board. I have regret.

Nico, I have a regret. We didn't talk. I'm getting married in a couple months. Yes, yes, that's right. And you married a trans person. I married a trans person. Any tips? Buckle up, buddy.

Oh, boy. Actually, no, I'm not to say that. But it is funny that you're sort of like living a parallel existence right now where we were both, I'm married and you're going to marry a trans person. You were in Survivor. My husband was on Survivor. You have ears, I have ears.

He did so good compared to how I did. They brought him back. That's how good he did. And for me, they were like, so nice to meet you. I know. Listen, I don't mean this pejorative, but you were like the pork chop of Survivor. That's a drag race reference for people who didn't get it. Yeah, which is I take to me a great person who went home too soon.

Yes, that's exactly what it is. That's how I take it. Yeah. Hmm. I also, I will say here's a regret that I genuinely do have. I cannot believe what I said about figure skating. They are going to destroy me. The figure skating people are,

they're so intense the figure skating community on the internet. What did you say? I said that I don't believe they can really count how many times people are going around up there. I don't believe it. I don't believe it. It's too fast. That was 3.5.

Come on. I thought you, like, you called Alyssa Lewis slur or something, you know. Oh my God. Like, oh, counting spins. Who fucking cares. Where my head went too. Yeah. Yeah.

Boy, glad I didn't do that. There's still time if you want. Hey, everybody. Ghosts is on CBS. Yeah. Ghost. It's, hey, it's so funny, it's scary. Yeah.

Yep, yep, yep. And your comic book, the guy, or graphic novel, it says, comic, but you're graphic novel. Yeah, same thing. The guy in the chair, available now. And the collected works are coming out. in June.

Spy-Fi-Fi-Romcom. Spy-Fi-Fi-Romcom. St. Dennis Medical. Yeah. So funny. That's our show. This guy's killing it.

Thanks so much to Maria Banford, Nico Sandoz, and Ucars-Ambudcar. We'll see you next week at Dynasty Diplighter. Thank you. Two hundred and 26 days until the mid-jorns. Have great night. Have great weekend. If you're already scrolling endlessly,

which we know you are. Don't forget to follow us at Crooked Media on Instagram, TikTok, and all the other ones for original content, community events, and more. You can also find Love It or Leave It on YouTube for videos of your favorite segments and other YouTube exclusive content. And if you want to type our praises or rip us a new one, consider dropping us a review. Finally, you can join Crooked's Friends of the Pod subscription community for ad-free Love It and Live It and Live It and Pod Save America episodes, subscriber exclusive pods and more, sign up at crooked.com slash friends. Love it or leave it is a crooked media production. It's written and produced by me, John Love it. Kendra James is our executive producer, Bill McGrath is our producer.

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