Lovett or Leave It - Ms. Kitara Goes To Washington

Episode Date: January 21, 2023

Join us as Lovett Or Leave It gets sopping wet this Dry January at L.A.'s beautiful Dynasty Typewriter. A black market egg dealer (Brian Posehn) stops by to give Lovett a taste of scrambler’s delight. Jamie Loftus schools us in which hot dogs have actually earned the title. Brian Posehn and Amy Miller weigh in on whether or not the straights have gone too far with MILF Manor. Spoiler alert: they have. Ashley Ray looks for love amongst our live audience, and the Rant Wheel fires off hot, angry sparks over haunted hayrides, Babylon, and the derth of fat people on dating shows. For a closed-captioned version of this episode, click here. For a transcript of this episode, please email [e-mail] and include the name of the podcast.

Hello, Los Angeles. Welcome to Love It or Leave It Live or Else. America hit the debt limit and the law has hit its limit with Alec Baldwin. We have a great show for you tonight. Brian Posehn and Amy Miller think the straights have finally gone too far. Jamie Loftus is here, and she's brought mustard and relish and a certain delectable meat treat.

Ashley Ray is looking for love, so if you're single, open, polyamorous, or just disgusting, and want to throw your hat in the ring, now is the time to shoot your shot. We are going to do a dating game live. I'm serious.

Get yourself in the mindset. Open your hearts to love. It's early in 2023. This is the part of the year where you're still open to love. We've got our hands on Madonna's tour rider. We're excited to see what fresh shell it might contain. And we spin the rant wheel. But first, let's get into it.

What a week. Despite the fact that he publicly admitted to fabricating numerous aspects of his resume, Republican leaders put my evil alter ego, George Santos, I don't like it. They put him on two house committees this week, the Committee on Small Business and the Committee on Science, Space, and Technology. I'm not sure Santos is really qualified to weigh in on small business as the founder of Apple.

Among his other minor fibs, Santos previously claimed that his mother was in the World Trade Center on 9-11 and later died of a 9-11-related cancer. In reality, Santos' mother was only briefly in the World Trade Center on 9-11, and she did not die of cancer, but instead of injuries sustained while piloting a plane.

Fortunately for our show, Georgia's secrets will not sashay away. According to a Brazilian drag queen who was friends with Santos, everyone in the Brazilian gay community knew the new congressman as either Anthony or Katara, his drag name. Let's hope Georgia's act is more believable than the normal

congressman drag show he's now found himself stuck in. Because the Republican platform in 2023 is very clear that men dressing in makeup and gowns is just for the bedroom when your emotionally broken wife is out of town, Santos quickly denied the allegation, tweeting, the most recent obsession from the media claiming that I am a drag queen or performed as a drag queen is categorically false. He capitalized queen as if it's his heart. It's like his heart capitalized the queue. The only time he ever felt

safe as Katara. The only time he ever was truly himself. If George Santos is pissed that other people are making outrageous claims about his life, wait till he finds out about George Santos. I that other people are making outrageous claims about his life, wait till he finds out about George Santos. I don't know a thing about drag or drag race or whether Shangela was robbed or what happened to the butterflies or whether it was unfair all-stars that Shea got three points or if people are excited to see Jinx in Chicago or if you can find the uncut Sherry Pie episodes online.

This is ridiculous. Anyway, no sooner had George Santos denied the claim that the New York Post uncovered video of him discussing doing drag in Rio. This fucking guy. Pretending he had nothing to do with the one cool thing he's ever done? Who do you think you are, Scalia's murderer? And now, an open letter. Dear RuPaul,

It may have come to your attention that a man by the name of George Santos, if that's his real name, which it isn't, has recently been elected to national office in one of the great drag performances of all time, pretending to be a qualified candidate for Congress. We have now learned that before he became the congressional candidate, George Santos of Long Island, he became the live performer Katara of Rio de Janeiro.

It seems like George is probably afraid to resign because he's got nowhere else to go, and people found out he stole money from a veteran's GoFundMe meant to treat their dog's cancer. Woof. Rue, your country needs you once again. Invite him to apply to Drag Race. If he resigns his seat, Congress's loss can be all of our gain. Thank you. Meanwhile, a Republican strategist who was working for the Georgia GOP in Herschel Walker's campaign has filed a sexual battery civil lawsuit against conservative activist Matt Schlapp and his wife, Mercedes

Schlapp, a former Trump aide. The aide alleges that Schlapp groped his crotch without consent as he was driving Schlapp home from an Atlanta bar in October. Boy, you just hate to see a stain like this on Herschel Walker's otherwise immaculate campaign. While sharing a stage at Davos, Senator Kyrsten Sinema and Joe Manchin

agreed that they would continue to oppose killing the filibuster, and then they high-fived. We still don't agree on getting rid of the filibuster. That's correct. Thank you. Look, as much as we dislike them individually, there is something nice about their friendship. They're like Wario Frog and Toad.

In response to a Republican request regarding classified documents found in his garage, the White House, of course, said they don't keep a visitor log at President Biden's Delaware residence. I mean, who can keep track? So many people are trying to kick it with the J-man, said Biden, scraping three untouched charcuterie plates into the garbage.

Aww. Look, no one keeps visitor logs at their house. This is the Biden residence, not Derek Jeter's apartment in the early 2000s. There's no one doing processing. You know, not enough people knew about it. Not enough people remember that story about how there was like a gift bag and a process

when you slept with Derek Jeter, which he then later denied. Anybody? Okay, so it just wasn't a great joke. That's fine. That's like saying, no, no, no, you look great in this picture. I don't want to hear that I look great in the fucking picture.

That means that's what I fucking look like. If someone says I look bad in this picture, you say, yeah, yeah, you look terrible. You look so much better in real life. You don't say, no, no, it's a good picture. That doesn't do anything for anybody. When did you people get here? On Thursday, the Supreme Court issued a report

on its investigation into the leaked Dobbs draft, announcing that it has been, quote, unable to identify a person responsible by a preponderance of the evidence. But if you play the report backwards, it says Alito did it. Over in New York, Governor Kathy Hochul evoked the late

Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. in her defense of her embattled judicial nominee, Hector LaSalle, who's facing criticism for rulings on unions, crisis pregnancy centers, and racial composition of juries. In her speech at a Bronx church on MLK Day, she said, Dr. King called upon us to be just and to be fair and to not judge people. And that has not been afforded to an individual named Judge Hector LaSalle.

When he was gunned down, assassinated, my family sat there and held hands and wept. How could this be, Hochul said? How could this man of God who taught us about nonviolence and social justice and change and not judging people by the color of their skin or one or two cases out of 5,000 cases decided. Look, we all know that there are two equally bad ways to judge people, the color of their skin and the decisions and actions they take in their careers. Subsequently, on Wednesday, the Senate Judiciary Committee in New York voted to reject Hochul's nomination.

They released a statement which they read, I have a dream that you'll nominate someone else. It may be the most out-of-left-field recent news story. Our national egg nightmare continues with an avian flu outbreak and questions about price gouging causing the price of eggs to skyrocket across the country.

Hey. Hey, man. I heard you're looking for some white oval. Some scrambler's delight. Excuse me? You trying to buy some goop in the show? Who are you? What is this?

People call me the Eggman. I got the egg hookup, baby. Any kind of eggs you want at the affordable prices you crave. My real name's Ralph. You can call me the Eggman or Ralph or the Eggman. Either is fine. I'm going to go with Ralph. I really prefer you call me the Eggman.

I mean, most people do. All right, I still might go with Ralph. So where are these eggs? Do I have to follow you to your car or something? No need. Got them right here in my coat. You sell loose eggs out of a coat? Is anyone buying them?

Are you kidding me? Business is booming, my friend. A month ago, I was just some weird hot guy walking around town with his pocket. Yeah, for sure, with his pockets full of eggs. But then Joe Flation sends the price of eggs to the moon, and today

I'm a successful entrepreneur. My uncle sold weed and called himself an entrepreneur, but whatever. Straight up baller. I got pockets full of gold, baby. High cholesterol gold. I guess I wasn't done. All right, look.

Inflation's actually not to blame for this one, at least not the main reason. There's one problem, that a bunch of chickens got sick. The chicken workforce is fucked. No offense, but who do you think really has more insight on what's going on with eggs? Some nerd who reads the news or the guy who has like three dozen eggs in his pockets?

I really think it's me, Ralph, but I think I'm right about this. Suit yourself, brother. Customer's always right. What can I set you up with today? I just got some totally primo shit from this duck farm up in Bakersfield. It's gonna really unlock you spiritually and creatively.

The egg. I mean, it's interesting. I mean, I wasn't really looking for spirituality in an egg. Roger that. It's also dope in omelets. I mean, listen. All right. The egg I was talking about.

I know, the egg. Earlier. Yeah, the egg from earlier. Bakersfield. The duck eggs from Bakersfield that unlock your spirituality. Clearly, yes. Also good for omelets.

Yes, you're listening. Yeah, so look. If you just have maybe some normal chicken eggs at a decent price, I'd take a few of those. I'm not going to turn down an egg bargain. Sorry, amigo. No chicken eggs in stock at the moment. I don't know if you've heard about this whole avian flu going around.

Yeah, that's what I brought up a second ago. A second ago, I talked about the avian flu. That was the reason we were talking about the egg prices going up. Oh. Yeah, that's what I brought up like a second ago. A second ago, I talked about the avian flu. That was the reason we were talking about the egg prices going up. Oh. Oh, shit. It's also, Eggman, it's also on the screen. But wherever you shoot, whatever you want to do, Eggman. That whole time. It's been right there.

I didn't want to interrupt. You were doing, I didn't want to, you know, I didn't, did you notice that I was off? I'm so old. Did you think I was off book on the Eggman sketch? Yeah, yeah. You seem real natural. But baby, back to the eggs. Eggman, we've got to get back to the eggs.

You're the Eggman. Back to the eggs. It's my whole thing, besides being the hot guy walking around town. What's up? But baby... It's my whole thing, besides being the hot guy walking around town. What's up? But, baby, you don't know what you've been missing with some of these alternative eggs. Freaky shit. Makes your taste buds wild out.

Hey, John, you ever have crow eggs? I'm doing two for one. Crow eggs? It seems gross. Yeah, I know what you're thinking. But they're clean. I've tested them for fentanyl. Why would eggs have fentanyl?

Don't even worry about it. I got tons of other options. Gold eggs, pigeon eggs, snake eggs. What's your pleasure? You haven't lived until you've sampled a slithery, my man. It's more of a body egg, you know. A sink into the couch egg.

All right, listen. The snake egg is just a body egg. That's what you're saying. A snake egg gives you a body feeling. It's not one of those head eggs. Right. So listen, I'll take three of those duck eggs you mentioned if that'll get you to leave me alone.

Right you are, sir. Coming right up. So all the duck eggs all broke. Sure. I guess I sat down too hard or something. I can, like, scoop up some of it for you. You got a baggie? No. No, that's enough.

Get out of here, Eggman Ralph. Alright, but if anybody needs some pure Colombian grade A sea turtle eggs, I'll be loitering over near the concessions. And if somebody tells you they've got platypus eggs, it's a fucking scam. Alright? Trust me.

Eggman Ralph, everybody. It's the Eggman. It's the Eggman. Sometimes cards, sometimes he reads the screen. Brian Posehn, everybody. The Eggman. That was good. It was better than I expected

for something so stupid anyway that's our transition protests and strikes broke out across France this week over government plans to raise the age of retirement from 62 to 64 in order to collect a full pension obviously we're with the French workers on this

but we're still a little envious that their labor movement is so far along that they're defending pensions. Every U.S. story about a strike is like, drivers want Amazon to stop charging five bucks for each old plastic Kroger bag they're forced to shit in. And Amazon's like, can't be done. We'll shut this whole plant down before we do that. They gotta pay for the bags.

This whole business runs on them paying for the fucking bags. Meanwhile, taking advantage of Elon Musk's new Twitter blue, Taliban officials have started dropping $8 to get blue verified check marks on the social network. Fine by me, maybe I'll finally stop getting scammed into sending money to the fake Taliban. Among other portentous omens for its business, Twitter auctioned off a range of office supplies,

fancy kitchen equipment, and other memorabilia. More like let that sink out. Meta, the parent company of Facebook and Instagram, plans to reverse a rule banning topless photos for women after an oversight board found it unclear how the rules apply to intersex, non-binary, and transgender users. The oversight board cited multiple instances of content moderators driven to madness in their efforts to discern between good nipples and bad nipples before being forced into extended nipple leave. Now, when you say to yourself, let's see what my

aunt's been up to, you have to really want to know because the stakes have never been higher. my aunt's been up to, you have to really want to know because the stakes have never been higher. Scientists in Japan are seeing results in reversing the aging symptoms of genetically modified mice. The gene therapy used on these mice has shown to restore the animals to a more active, youthful state. I can't wait to use this on my disgusting

old hag of a mouse. The older subjects that did not respond to treatment were moved to Mouse Manor where they will date hot young single mice but there's a twist Alec Baldwin as well as the film's armorer will be charged with manslaughter for accidentally shooting and killing cinematographer Helena Hutchins

on the set of the western Rust look, when this movie ends up with a 61 on Metacritic that's when we'll know it was all worth it. That was tough. That was tough. You should not point a gun at someone that you're not willing to shoot, said Santa Fe County District Attorney Mary Carmack-Altwiss. That goes to basic Stafy standards.

This is America. We shoot people on purpose. It's about to lighten up. You're fine. Don't worry. I got a real zany one coming for you. Leader of the notorious Sicilian mob, Matteo Messina Di Naro, who was caught this week after 30 years on the run. Di Naro was the mastermind of several murders and bombings

throughout the 90s, even bragging that he filled a cemetery all by myself. Oh, you did, said the grave digger? Porca miseria. I guess I must have gotten these unrelenting back spasms from jerking off. Oh, you did, said the gravedigger? Porca miseria. I guess I must have gotten these unrelenting back spasms from jerking off. No, no, Giuseppe, said the mobster. I was speaking figuratively.

Everybody in the town understands how hard you work digging graves for the many people I've proudly killed over the years. But nobody says it, Giuseppe moaned. I dig, I sleep, I dig, I sleep. Keep it up, Giuseppe, and the last hole you'll dig will be your own, said Matteo. Don Matteo, I'm so sorry, I forget myself. Please, accept this dirt as an apology for my disrespect.

Give some dirt. And finally, the world's oldest woman, a French nun, died at the age of 118. Thankfully, nobody else was killed when her meth lab exploded. When we come back, hot dog Jamie Loftus is here. But first, bitch, it's Madonna. This week, Madonna dropped the trailer for her upcoming global tour, which included a truth-or-dare-style party in which Madge, tongue down Jack Black, friend of the pomp Bob the Drag Queen showed off his deep throat skills,

and Amy Schumer had an out of body experience. Truth or dare? Dare, bitch. Wow, starting off with a dare. I want you to show me, with this spread, how you lick your husband's asshole. I mean, butthole. I think we're done. I think we're done here.

Oh, my God. What's happening? Nope. Anyway, we're all interested in this. Here's the point. We got Madonna's rider, and now I'm going to read it. Here we go. The artist, who is as sexy now as she was in her 20s

and completely comfortable with her graceful aging process, nevertheless requests that all mirrors in her dressing room be replaced with tasteful oil paintings depicting the artist as she looked in 1989. If oil paintings are not available, the artist will need mirrors that are equipped with real-time Irishman de-aging technology. If neither oil paintings nor Scorsese mirrors can be procured,

the artist requests that her dressing room be lit exclusively with candles, it says here, by the cinematographer who lit Monica Bellucci when they let James Bond fuck a woman his own age. A Madonna stand will be dispatched to assess dressing room dimness upon venue's request. Honestly, that sounds pretty reasonable. All right. We have our entertainment lawyers combing through the document as fast as they can, so we'll share more of our writer exclusives throughout the show. We'll be right back. Hey, don't go anywhere. There's more of Love It or Leave It coming up. And we're back. As Sigmund Freud once said, sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.

Of course, Freud never actually said that. And also, we all knew that. Grow up, Freud. Meanwhile, here to discuss the third most phallic thing we put in our mouths is the author of the upcoming book Raw Dog, The Naked Truth About Hot Dogs. It's the incredible Jamie Loftus. Hi. Hi. It's the incredible Jamie Loftus. Hi.

Hi. What's happening? Oh, you know, I was just talking about malls in Alaska. Just two things that I was thinking about. Are there malls in Alaska? I've been to them, yes. Indoor? Yes.

Not like a gross situation? No, they don't have the gorgeous Rick Caruso malls that we're accustomed to here. Maybe they did more people who live there. I mean did vote for him right no uh okay i don't how fucking dare you of course i didn't i couldn't say that i did i had a really fun i didn't of course i didn't i had to be able to say i didn't he's w winking so much right now. I'm not. This is fun. But obviously I didn't vote for Rick Caruso. I voted for the other people in the race.

And I know who they are because I voted for them. I didn't vote for Rick Caruso, even though obviously the Grove and the Americana are just like two little islands of paradise we get to live near. The Paris of California. Perfect. My God. I had this fantasy about Rick Caruso

when he realized he was going to lose the mayoral race, just like storming the American Girl store at the Grove like it was the Bastille and just throwing dolls around and throwing a total tantrum and then taking it over to the Buca di Beppo and like threatening to jump off the balcony, you know? A bunch of people just calmly enter Rizia

and then all of a sudden a flaming trash can flies through. He's like, I'll jump off the bouquet to balcony. I'll do it. More like Cheesecake Triangle Shirtwaist Factory. Exactly. And he's like, I'll burn this place to the ground. I liked it. Come on.

Yeah, it's good. For just coming up with it in the moment? I was working on it for a second. Oh, it's good. For just coming up with it in the moment? I was working on it for a second. Oh, I've been waiting to say Bucca di Balcony in public for years. And you know what?

What do you people get on a normal night? That was incredible. Bucca di Balcony? Hot dog or hamburgers? Oh, hot dog for sure. Really? Yeah, grow up.

Yeah. When did you first realize that you wanted to talk about and think about hot dogs so much and filled a book? I think I just realized that no one else had thought to do it before. And I love hot dogs. And I loved, like, bad hot dogs. It was like, oh, which food exists that I will take in good or bad form and it'll always make me feel better? And it's hot dogs. It was like, oh, which food exists that I will take in good or bad form and it'll always make me feel better? And it's hot dogs. I just love a nasty...

My dad would boil and or microwave the hot dog and slap it in an untoasted bun and say, I love you, Shrug. And I would love it. I thought it was great. It's so easy to cut them in half and put them on the stove. And 150% better.

I've learned that in time. Yeah. I learned that he really could have tried less and gotten a better result. But that's true of his parenting kind of like on the whole. What's a nitrate? A nitrate? What is it? Well, I'll tell you what.

It's not good for you. What is it? And why do they put them in there? They don't do that anymore. That's kind of a fun thing. Nitrates, you can't really put them in hot dogs anymore. I didn't learn too much about them. I know that it's a very evil chemical for your body.

It's like eating asbestos. Isn't it strange that there was a time when food companies would just find things that are chemicals and say, what if we put them in the hot dogs for a while? No one seems to notice. Keep doing it. Add more. It will make the hot dog immortal. Why not put it in the hot dog? Oh, it helps them live forever.

Yeah. So it's like the adrenochrome that the politicians take out of the kids. You can have a full conversation with them. Yeah. Yeah. If you put in the chemical. Cool. Yeah. Um, ketchup or mustard? This is difficult because I know that people across the country listen to this show. I say both.

I'm a centrist on toppings. Wow. Wow, no labels. I reject labels. I know that there are certain regions of the country that really don't want you to be pro-ketchup. I feel like that's a closed-minded perspective. I embrace ketchup. I like it.

I eat a Hershey bar every day. I eat a lot of sugar. There's a lot of sugar in ketchup. I eat it. Go back a second. Yeah, I eat a Hershey bar every day. I eat a lot of sugar. There's a lot of sugar in ketchup. I eat it. Go back a second. Yeah. You eat a Hershey bar every day? Like, I'm sorry, but like, I eat them often?

Or like, is it a ritual of some sort? No, it is every day. But what time? 7 p.m. 7 p.m. When you say Hershey bar, do you mean like enough to make two s'mores? Well, what kind of s'mores are you making? Well, I'm just saying that like, you know, there's like a Hershey bar, do you mean like enough to make two s'mores? What kind of s'mores are you making? Well, I'm just saying that there's a Hershey bar that's

like the good rectangle and you break it in half and that's a beautiful s'more size. So two of those? Yeah, like a standard one that you would get at the 7-Eleven near your house. Fridge or just room temperature? Oh no, I just grab it and go, it's gone by the time I get home. But I get it with the almonds because then it's

a little bit of health. I consider peanut M&M's to be a meal replacement for that reason. And when I get them at the movies, I legitimately feel like I've done something okay. Like I've made a good choice. I feel the same way.

You eat one every day. And you buy one a day. Have you ever considered buying, because the savings of the box, you know? I see what you're saying and I have considered it. However, I am

like a turtle where I will just grow to the size of my container. If I have 12 Hershey bars at the house, I'm going to eat 12 Hershey bars at the house. So I have to go to the 7-Eleven, get it, have the face-to-face interaction so someone else knows I've done it. It's a social ritual as well. I'm going to tell you something.

Please. Which is, don't pre-moan. That's just moaning about me as a person. If you pre-moan when I have not said anything, that's just, oh, he did something that he does. I had a container of cream cheese in my fridge, but I didn't have any bagels. How big?

I would say more than a bagel's worth. Okay, I can picture it. And I did, because there was no bagels, I just ate all of it Until it was gone with crackers Just until it was gone So I'm saying I relate to your experience And then I have to tell you something else

Which is, on my way to the office I did get an Egg McMuffin Because I wanted the large Diet Coke for $1 Yes, I do that all the time Was that prepared or is that just on your mind? It's on my mind. Oh, okay, good. Since you're a love it or leave it's resident hot dog expert,

by default, since we've never had another hot dog expert on before, we thought we'd put your knowledge to the test in a little game we're calling Queen of Dogs. Okay. I'm concerned. True or false? Uh-huh. In 2018, consumers spent $3 billion on hot dogs in U.S. supermarkets.

Hmm. I want to say true. That is correct. Yeah. Yeah. Wow. Nice. During peak hot dog season, from Memorial Day to Labor Day, by the way, before we even

get to this. Yeah. Why is it a summer food? Hot dogs are like the ultimate American marketing scheme scheme where they're like, oh, this food that's from Germany and Austria and Greece is actually American and here's why. And then they just like paw, there's no reason.

It's not American. I don't know. It's like, ah, but these are the grill foods that are summer grill foods. Why? You would think it would be like maybe a colder food that would be in the summer. No. It's a winter thing. Oh, a hearty hot dog. But no.

It's like, oh, are you sweating because it's 102 degrees in Los Angeles? Here, have some hot meat. And then in some places it's wet also. Some wet hot meat. Yeah. That's a good name for the segment. During peak hot dog season from World Day to Labor Day, how many hot dogs are Americans expected to consume? So like May to September.

I'm going to say a billion. Seven billion hot dogs. No. We are amazing. We're an amazing people. What if I just started singing the national anthem? That is so many. That is so many per person.

My goodness. And not everybody's eating them, because that means that there's people out there just chain-smoking these fucking things. Right, I was like, there are people like me that it's like, oh, there's people who do none, and there's people who do, like, 50. Yeah, they're just like,

oh, I can see the bottom of the bun again. Don't want to feel that empty feeling. Better load up. On Independence Day, Americans are expected to enjoy 150 million hot dogs enough to stretch from dc to la how many times so now it's a geography question um i don't know okay so joey how many hot dogs in a mile that's easy how many hot dogs are in a joey chestnut and then how many joey chestnuts are in a mile right sure for sure it's a complicated question like i know that i personally i'm a certain number of hot dogs high okay and how many i'm 10 hot dogs tall you're 10 hot dogs i think so okay that's brave of you to say i think that's right that's i'm just like estimating i don't

think that's right how many is that too few or too many? That's not enough hot dogs. You would be a little baby. In my mind, no, can I tell you? Well, I was maybe 11. In my mind, a hot dog is half a foot. Is that not right? Too small? They're bigger. They're smaller than that.

It's six inches. No, it's about six inches. So six inches. So you're five feet tall? I know, 11. I'm close. I'm on stage. I'm doing a conversation. I'm doing math in my head. All right, I'm 11. I'm close. God, I'm fucking, I'm on stage. I'm doing a conversation.

I'm doing math in my head. All right, 11 hot dogs, you freaks. Jesus. One of the math leech show up. So if we're saying that hot dogs are six inches, which not all of them are because it's Dodger dogs, that's 10 inches, but okay. Don't get ahead of, listen, we'll get to it.

Look, I get so few opportunities to flex this knowledge that doesn't matter okay Joey would be about 12 and a third hot dogs tall and

that would be I'm gonna guess 17 times back and forth well the answer is technically more than 5 so

okay at a baseball game, what is the average weight of a fully loaded hot dog vendor's bin? The ones that are carrying around throwing dogs. How much do they weigh when they're walking around the stadium and saying, hot dogs?

So the ones that they're carrying on their backs? Yeah. Well, let's say 80, 90 pounds. 40 pounds. Oh, okay. Wow. That would be 80, 90 pounds would be awesome. Oh, okay. Wow. That would be 80, 90 pounds. I overestimated their bravery.

Who said, we have beaten you to the moon, but you have beaten us in sausage making? Russia? Yeah. It was Soviet Premier Nikita Khrushchev. That's so, that's not true.

That's not true. What are you trying to say? You don't think we beat the Russians in hot dogs? Come on. There's some good Russian hot dog makes. Really? Yeah, they caught on. What one-time presidential nominee said in public,

my favorite meat is hot dog, by the way. That is my favorite meat. I mean, it's too easy to say it's Donald Trump. It's Mitt Romney. It was Mitt Romney. God, that is such a great example of Mitt Romney trying to, like an alien who just got to the planet. My favorite meat is hot dog.

My favorite meat is hot dog. Can we all relate on this? Remember when he was the worst they could do? What a time. We were all young. Which Golden Girl said hot dogs and red vines and potato chips and french fries are my favorite foods? Oh, my goodness. Was it Blanche?

No. No. It was Betty White. Wow. It was raw. Because Betty White had her own menu item at Pink's. She did? She did.

It was just a straight up raw dog. It was like the Betty White. But what was on the menu? But what did they serve? Oh, the hot dog was very elaborate. No, if you get the Betty White at Pink's, it's just, it's a raw dog. Just a raw dog?

Oh, it's a raw dog, baby, yeah. Give me the Betty and it's just a raw dog. And then they're like, oh, you want a raw dog, huh? Like, Give me the Betty, and it's just a raw dog. And then they're like, oh, you want a raw dog, huh? Like, yeah. What if it turned out that just before she died, she was engaged in a terrible lawsuit to stop them from doing this?

That would be great. It's against her will. I hope to die embroiled in a hot dog lawsuit. That would be really great. That would be amazing. Bet the plaintiffs would be pretty steamed. It's a switch. I get paid to do this would be pretty steamed. It's a switch. You're wrong.

It's a switch. It's good. All right. We've learned a lot about hot dogs, but before we let you go, it is time for the purest of pure

hot dog challenge. Picking the greatest hot dog in America. Here we go. It is time to rank these hot dogs. We've got red and white hots,

especially out of Rochester, New York. A red hot is a standard pork and or beef hot dog that pops open when cooked. A white hot is the same but uncured or unsmoked so it retains the white color. Versus German Wursts. Bratwurst, the most popular of the German Wursts, is made from beef, pork, caraway, garlic, and other spices and are usually served with sweet German mustard and or potatoes and red cabbage.

Okay. So I know that people love worsts, and it is sort of disingenuous to put red and white hots in the same category. They're quite different, but someone from Rochester is here. But I will advance the red and white hots. I really love them,

and I love Rochester hot dog culture. Next up. All right, the red and white hots move on. Next up, we have the Danger Dog, first served to American tourists by Mexican street vendors in either Tijuana or Hermosillo. A Danger Dog, also called a Sonoran Dog, is a hot dog wrapped in bacon and deep fried. The Chicago version, called a Franchisi, adds melted cheddar or American cheese, as does the Texas Tommy.

Versus the Dodger Dog, a 10-inch pork wiener that extends way past the regular hot dog bun that houses it. Yeah, this is very easy, and I feel like this is, I will get a death threat over this when my book is published, but it's easily the Danger Dog. The Dodger Dog is not good. It's not very good.

The Danger Dog is incredible. Wow. People are so upset with me. Are they upset, or do they want to live in a world where that's wrong, but they know they don't live in that world? You know, they don't want to live in a world where that's wrong, but they know they don't live in that world? They don't want to live in a world where they look up the ethics of the people who provide their Dodger dogs to them because they were breaking COVID protocols

right and left. They got blood on their hands. Dodger dog bad is my opinion. Look it up. Look at how they turn. Now they're like, I feel bad wanting to say the Dodger dog now. Yeah. They're like, I thought I just liked a baseball.

But I'm a war criminal. Next up, we've got corn dogs. The jewel of every county and state fair. It's a hot dog dipped in cornmeal batter, skewered on a stick and deep fried versus pigs in a blanket with a modern version traced to a military cookbook dated to 1940.

Pigs in a blanket are mini hot dogs wrapped in pastry. Ooh, this is a tough one, because I really do love both of them. No, no, I want to hear what you say, but just... I want to hear what your opinion is first, but I just didn't want you to be so definitive that I couldn't say what I think after. No, no. I realize I came in hot calling Dodger Dogs kind of fascistic,

but this is a difficult category. I really like both of these. And there's like areas in upstate New York that specialize in tiny hot dogs. And they find it confusing if you find it confusing. I love pigs in a blanket. But if I had to choose between the two, I would go corn dogs

because I feel like they're more versatile. I feel like there's more variants of them. You can cover them in Cheeto dust. No problem. Incorrect. Corn dogs are terrible. They're never, ever good. They fucking suck.

No to corn dogs. You've stacked the crowd. I've never regretted. No! I have never. Someone just threw a tomato at the stage. Hey, who brought tomatoes to this? Corn dogs.

Disgusting. You know what's better than a corn dog? A fucking hot dog in a bun. It's gross. It's not good cornbread, and it's not a well-cooked hot dog. It's two good things that are worse together. Pigs in a blanket? Are you fucking kidding me?

You're never sad to see one at a party. Never sad. Oh, what is that, a mushroom canapé? Get the fuck out of here. A tiny hot dog with spicy brown mustard in a little fucking bowl? 10 out of 10 every goddamn time. All right, I will concede that to you.

I will concede that to you. When it's in a little Pillsbury roll, gorgeous. Next up, blood sausage versus hot dog, the weekly gay party on Sundays at El Cid. Blood sausage is a sausage casing filled with blood and cooked with a wide range of fillings, including animal meats and spices. The gay party at El Cid is intimidating.

Oh, I'm going Hot Dog at El Cid all the fucking way. There's no way around it, yeah. All right, final four. Okay. The brought best. Mm-hmm There's no way around it. Yeah. All right. Final four. Okay. The brought best. Mm-hmm. Okay. I like it.

Boom me all you want. No refunds. I wish there was a table for you to flip right now. I like that I was just like, I hope I get a chance to say what I think. All right. What do you think?

Red Hots and White Hots or the Danger Dog? It is tricky. I really love Red and White Hots, but I'm going to go Danger Dog. I really love the Danger Dog. It's the best. I remember when I was a kid, there was a commercial that was always airing

where they would show that you could put Velveeta cheese on top of a hot dog, and it was like, these fucking geniuses. It was two things right in a row. It was like macaroni and cheese, and then it was broccoli, and it was like, I'vees yeah there was always like uh it was two things right in a row it was like macaroni cheese and then it was broccoli and it was like i've never wanted broccoli more in my entire life they made it look amazing and then like the row of cheese said if you think cheese on broccoli is good we're about to blow your goddamn mind because now it's on a hot dog what if it was on something that was disgusting better uh all right pigs in a blanket

versus the hot dog the party at El Cid alright well I'm gonna kinda take your lead here because one of these things made you feel very safe and the other thing made you feel not as safe

that's right so we're gonna advance pigs in a blanket what made you feel safe hell yeah yeah alright I agree

it should have been corn dog she said breaking a beer bottle on the ground alright it is time now. The danger dog versus the pig in a blanket.

It's big and cheesy versus dainty pastry. The brought best. There's never been an easier choice in my entire life. It's going to be the danger dog. It absolutely is. The danger dog. It's the winner. The best hot dog that there is on this bracket.

Yeah. I feel like we're going to get specifically Chicago emails from people that we didn't include. Oh, we're going to Chicago, sure. I know, and it's the Chicago hot dog on it. Yeah. Just so that people, before we get the emails. Please.

If you had to decide right now, it's the classic Chicago dog, which is a hot dog, on which they've put a salad. I agree with you. Versus the Danger Dog, what's the classic Chicago dog, which is a hot dog on which they've put a salad. I agree with you. Versus the danger dog, what's going to win? The danger dog's going to win. And the danger dog, I will say, is not the best hot dog in the world. The best hot dog in the world is on the side of the highway in New Jersey, and that's just the facts.

Is it like a Nathan's hot dog on the side of the road? No, it's a deep-fried hot dog in New Jersey that's on an overpass. It's really, really good. Do you just drive until you see one or is it a specific overpass? Because in LA it's like fruit stands. But in New Jersey is it just people selling loose

fried dogs? It's an organized dog place. But it seems like the sort of place where you would get a hot dog and then dump a body in a river. And it's a hot dog made called The Ripper, where they leave it in frying oil for a little bit of time, but not too much time.

It's really good. Neat. Jamie, thank you so much. Her book, Raw Dog, The Naked Truth About Hot Dogs comes out on May 23rd. Very exciting. And go listen to the Bechdel cast. When we come back, we are living in a material world so let's check in with a materially nearly senior citizen.

Thank you so much. That was great. That was great. We just wanted to give you another exclusive from Madonna's upcoming tour writer. The artist requests four full-size vibrating crucifixes

Okay, now we're talking Given her long-standing feud with the Catholic Church And her desire to, quote, finally bring the whole thing down Already, unquote, the artist will also Need eight waterproof Pope Francis Costumes, 400 gallons of Communion wine, and a fully operational Fire hose. Please see artist's previously

Stipulated guidelines around the venue's splash zone and subcontract with the firefighters union. Boy, what will Madonna get up to next? We come back. It's time for some straight mayhem. And we're back.

America's culture has three pillars. Professional wrestling, reality TV, and porn. This week, TLC premiered MILF Manor, a brand new series that combines at least two of the three. And honestly, we won't be surprised if the season ended with one of the eight hot moms looking for love pile-driving a rival MILF through a folding table. Here to discuss the show that will almost certainly destroy or heal this nation

with absolutely no possibility of anything in between, it's a segment we're calling The Straits Have Gone Too Far. Please welcome the hilarious Amy Miller and the wonderful Brian Posain. Hello. Come on out. Hi, hi, hi. Thanks for being here. Thank you for having me. Welcome to a segment. Amy,

Brian, thanks for being here. A segment we're calling The Straits Have Gone Too Far. And they have. Are you familiar with the show MILF Matter, which premiered this past week, Brian? Brian, thanks for being here. A segment we're calling The Straits Have Gone Too Far. And they have. Are you familiar with the show MILF Matter, which premiered this past week, Brian? Yeah, I do my homework. He's a good student.

I'm a professional. Amy, have you seen it? Have you heard about it? I have seen clips. I liked it the first time when it was called Back in the Groove. Did anybody watch that show

on Hulu? Okay. Well, two MILF shows have come out in the last two months. What's wrong with us? And that is a spoiler for Back in the Groove, so I should have said spoiler alert. I'm very sorry,

but there's one woman where her son is also on the island. There's some kind of a trend. There's two trends now. They were so horrified. There's two trends. Making MILF Island from 30 Rock real, that of a trend. There's two trends now. They were so horrified. There's two trends. Making Milf Island from 30 Rock real, that's one trend.

And another trend is scatological horror about rich people on boats. Is that a thing? Yeah. Yeah, I've seen it now twice in a week. Just rich people getting puked and shat on or shitting on and puking on each other. It's all over Babylon. It's all over Triing on each other. It's all over Babylon.

It's all over Triangle of Sadness. It's wild out there. Well, that's kind of in the name. Yeah. I thought you were talking about below deck this whole time. It did involve their below. Okay, I see. All right.

It's an upper decker sometimes, but it depends. You sickos, you seven sickos, and you, I hear you. Does everybody know the whole concept of this show? Do people watch this, the Milk Manor? Does everyone here know what it is? Wow. It's not just the title. I thought I got it, and then I started watching it with my wife,

and she's like, I'm in. I'm like, I'm kind of out so here's the thing to prepare for this segment Malcolm our producer had to watch clip after clip of Milf Manor and he wandered through the office today with this look in his

eyes like he was the sole survivor of a plane crash in the Andes and he is like you don't know what I've seen you don't know what I had to do to survive today eyes like he was the sole survivor of a plane crash in the Andes. And he is. Like, you don't know what I've seen. You don't know what I had to do to survive today. I was in the shit. And so he's prepared several clips I have not seen. I don't know how many

of these clips you've seen. I am truly here. We're going to react to this in real time. Oh, shit. I watched the whole pilot. So you've seen this nightmare, so you can help us through it. But in case you don't know, the idea of MILF Manor is these moms are there to find love with young men. But lo and behold, all the men are the sons of the MILFs.

The prophecy is true. The sons are the men. The moms are the women. It's moms and men. It's women and sons. I hear a lot of people in this crowd who don't love their moms. That's all I'm saying. You don't want your mom to find love with your good friend?

We're different. I'm an only child. I was raised by a single mom. This is like my fucking nightmare. Kids were always trying to fuck my mom. The idea of my friends wanting to do that? fucking nightmare. Kids were always trying to fuck my mom. But the idea of my friends wanting to do that? Ugh.

I'm out. I was also raised by a single mom and my brother is kind of hot, but he's an asshole. And I think they would have done well at this manner. Not hot to me, obviously. Just to my mom. Just... Aesthetically. Not hot to me, obviously. Right. Obviously. Just to my mom.

Aesthetically. Yeah, yeah. All right. Well, let's start Amy and Brian by showing the moment where the shocking twist was revealed. That was amazing. Hopefully there's somebody here that is going to be interested in me. I could be interested in them. What's going on? Wait, there are moms?

Holy. That's my mom right there. She's looking all right, man. For the listeners, that was a white man. So we all agree based on just this clip alone, that the straights have gone too far? We push the envelope. I'm sorry if you're not ready for art.

Brian, how much worse would this have to get for you to protest a drag brunch? Hmm? All right. Let's go to the next clip. I know I look like those guys. I knew my son Gabriel was going to be in Mexico with me. I thought he was going to be on a separate dating retreat.

But he's in my dating pool. And I'm going to have to see my son date these moms. I'm going to be honest. I'm thinking first pick in the draft. Like, I'm going to have to see my son date these moms. I'm going to be honest. I'm thinking first pick in the draft. Like, I'm looking at everything else before my mom. Thank God for that. I'm feeling great. How about you?

I'm fine. But whenever I bring a woman home, it's all up to my mom whether I'm dating her or not. Yes. Winning. Winning. Winning. We've been winning. Brian, what if I told you that on YouTube

this clip is called, Mom, Is That You? What's my reaction? What if I told you that? It's terrifying. The thing that I like about this is they're all either truthfully or for the show, and more likely for the show, saying, when me and my son came to the island for a dating show,

I assumed we were on two different shows. That's crazy. And then as if it's like, but then when we found out we were on the same show, we had no choice but to stay because this is a TV show. We're in jail here. We can't leave wherever we are,

wherever we've rented this home. They didn't even get like moms and sons where it was like a very close age difference like I see a missed opportunity teen mom crossover you know teen mom milf manor then at least it's a little normal

because you're like well my son's only 16 years younger than me it's not weird but these ladies are much older than their sons. I mean, these boys look like children. They do look like children. This is Epstein's Island for women. I just think of the one casting director that is like, this is really fucked

up. I can't sleep with this. Just like coming home at the end of the day. They don't know. They have no idea. I'm talking to these moms, and then I'm talking to their kids, and they have no fucking idea what's in for them.

You met a lot of casting directors with a conscience in this town? No, I'm picturing the one. I like to hope there's one. Just kidding. Please cast me. I think you're all great at it. Yeah, what are you doing?

I know. I'm an idiot. It's called self-sabotage, John. It's Hollywood. We'll cut that from the show. I think it'll hurt me and Brian. Yeah, no. You don't want my stink on you.

I'm in a lot of shit. We love casting directors. Yeah, they're awesome. I'm not going to be casting anything. Next up. Obviously, the descent down ring after ring, deeper and deeper into hell continued. Let's check out this clip that TLC,

a network on American television, titled on their official YouTube channel, Call Me Daddy. Gross. So you're going to be 24. Your son's 23. No, he's 20. No, I'm going to be 21. Oh, you're the baby.

You're going to be 22, right? I'm going to be 22. Oh, you're the baby. You're going to be 22, right? I'm going to be 22. He said you were his favorite. Joey is just a young buck, and he's just probably going to do something to my mom and try and hit on another girl and another girl. So he's not going anywhere near my mother. There's this super hot guy named Jose, and he seems like a safe bet because he's very family-oriented.

You can see he's tied to his mom's hips. So I feel like he would definitely just have my back and be by my side and, you know. Winning. I want to know which MILF owns that child now and puts him on a dog leash because what were all those necklaces? He's being dog walked by someone. I just thought it was Tommy Lee's kid. There's a vibe from this

that these are moms who have been driving these boys to auditions for the last 20 years and this is the first one they've landed. You know? There's something so distilled about these clips that it's like, this is LA. This is just a mom yelling at an eight-year-old in full makeup. Just absolutely broken people.

It's like if the moms in Toddlers and Tiaras went to an island to try to date their daughters. Just imagine if everything that we were seeing was unfolding, but it was DILF matter. Because, oh yeah, it's awful, and it's gonna happen. You think this isn't working? You think TLC is mad we're talking about this? We're giving those bastards everything they want.

And I will be watching. What's a DILF? It's a dad milf. Dad, I'd like to fuck, Brian. Well, I kind of was figuring that. I'm not that dumb, but I'd never heard of it. That's fucking gross. Well, you got to talk to one of these great casting directors

and try to get on it. I'll just do a podcast. We have one final clip. Malcolm put together a set of clips of some of the most horrifying moments. Like Clockwork Orange, everyone keep your eyes open and come away different.

Can you stop and just let me talk? Can you do it again? Why are you saying heavens? Because that's what I'm saying. I'm my own person. But can you do it again? Can you not say, why are you saying heavens? Because that's what I'm saying. I'm my own person. But can you stop interrupting me? So. I'm sorry.

I'm not calling you dad. He's got it in her to flirt. And she does do that a lot. I've never seen it firsthand experience. I'm texting him right now. Mom. Yeah, I go, what are you, W-I-D. What are you doing?

I think I'm just going to go to sleep. No, no. The second room on the left. The second room on the left. Oh, my God. You got to be joking. Just chilling. Bye, Joey. I mean, it's how the show works.

What's W-Y-D mean? I think it's like, what are you doing? Oh, I thought it was like, where's your dick? That's what it means when I send it. I don't know with the kids. The purple eggplants and the dicks. I don't know. And the Netflix and the chill.

Where's your dick, right? You sound like a shoo-in for Dilf Manor right now. You know they're casting for Dilf Manor. You know they're getting ready. It's coming. It's coming. That's the next thing. That's where we're headed.

This was just a way to make us, this was to socialize us to the real horror to come. What is with Joey's style? Like, how does he go from Mark Zuckerberg to Sid Vicious in one season? No, you're confusing two different sons. They look exactly the same. I'd say the casting director has a type.

Oh, no. We need to do some DNA tests on this manor. Wait, that necklace kid is not the same as the... No, the one with the open shirt? No, no. Sorry. Two different sons. They could definitely go to the same therapist.

You know what I mean? Like, therapy for all of you. Like, you know that clip of Wendy Williams saying death to all of them? We just need to do it. Therapy to all of you. Every one of you to therapy right now. Leave the island.

Leave Milk Manor. Actually, keep it running and do it like Nathan Fielder and just shut the whole fucking thing down. Nathan walks in with 15 therapists and they just, that's it. I think he might

be behind this. Yeah, just therapy for the rest of the thing. It's just like, all of a sudden, we're in treatment. Remember in treatment

that show on HBO where, it was awesome. Gabriel Byrne? Yes, Gabriel Byrne. And when I felt like I needed a therapist

but I didn't have one, I would just let him talk and then pause. And then tell him my problems. Smart. It was soothing. I did that with the Sopranos. Brian, any final thoughts on Milf Manor? I need therapy.

After watching it. Don't you think it's amazing that 2,000 years ago, Oedipus was being composed, and it was the story that got at this fundamental weirdness of the tension between mothers and sons. And Jim Morrison wrote all those songs.

And then here we are. And now this is what it's become. This is the next phase of that. We go from Oedipus to Freud to this. Just full-on honesty. At long last, finally. At long last. At long last, finally.

We're saying it. Honesty. Name it. And for our next segment, we're all going to poke each other's eyes out. Thank you so much to Brian and Amy. Brian's special, Posena Non Grata,

Persona Non Grata, how do we say it? Posena Non Grata. I said it right. I panicked. Yeah, that's the pun. I get it. That's so funny.

That's the pun. Posena Non Grata is out now, and Amy will be at Sketch Fest in San Francisco on January 27th. When we come back, Ashley Rae finds romance. Thank you both.

That was great. Milf Manor. Don't go anywhere. This is Love It or Leave It and there's more on the way. And we're back! We're trying out something different in honor of Valentine's Day and yes, you do have to start planning now. Valentine's Day is the new Hanukkah,

and I'm committed to it for the next segment. We need everyone in this audience to ask themselves, am I ready for love? Or failing that, an incredibly awkward podcast experience. Here to potentially fall in love tonight, a very good sport, the hilarious Ashley Rae. Hi. So you're going on one date a week.

Yes, I'm doing a project, 52 First Dates, where I go on a new date every week of the year. And it's horrible, mostly, but gosh. So you don't need one month to get ready for a date and one month to kind of come down from it. So usually I do. So this is a, it's hard. I'm pushing myself.

It's been the most difficult thing I've maybe ever done to force myself to go on these dates every week. And how are you finding people to say yes to all these dates? I'm on every single dating app, Bumble, Tinder, Field, Raya, like every single one. Cool, cool, cool. Yeah. And I just every day I set aside like an hour to go through and actually match and message with people. And it's like a job. Which are the good ones? Which are the best at? Where are you having the most success? The most success, Hinge and Field. Yeah.

Interesting. Yeah, Hinge and Field. Okay. I thought Hinge was for normies and now there's hot people on it. That's cool. So, yeah. Alright. Alright. Field is for the freaks. Some of you know that. And now we all do. Yeah. It is for the freaks. Some of you know that. And now we all do. Yeah.

It is. Sorry. And somebody's leaning over to Fred's like, I hear that place is for freaks. Freaks. Type, type, type. All right. So we're going to play our version of the dating game.

If you haven't heard of it, there was a serial killer on it one time. All right. So we need three audience members who wants to play the dating game with Ashley Rae. And keep in mind, bisexual is open. It's open. All right. Get in here.

Are you not supposed to see us, though? Oh, yeah. Isn't there supposed to be a... Oh, yeah, yeah. Sure, yes. Yeah. So, Ashley, look away. I'm facing this way, working this side of the room.

Hi. Hi. Everyone, let's introduce everybody. Hi. What's your name? Hi. I'm Rebecca. Hi, Rebecca. What's your this side of the room. Hi. Everyone, let's introduce everybody. Hi, what's your name? Hi, I'm Rebecca. Hi, Rebecca. What's your name? I'm Adam.

Adam. Hi, Adam. I'm Rachel. Rachel. Rebecca, Adam, and Rachel. Rawr. Old Testament kind of freak. From Ashley.

Here's how it works. Audience members, Ashley is going to ask you all the same question and you will reply in turn alright we'll start with Rebecca Ashley take it away okay if I was an ice cream flavor

what flavor would I be? I'm gonna say cinnamon toast crunch ooh Adam chubby hubby because that's what I'm into whoa

okay Rachel what do you got? Mint chocolate chip. Okay. Any reason? No reason. Great. No idea.

Ashley. All right. Thank you. Thank you. All right. Do we pick someone in? I don't even know how the dating game works. I truly have never watched it, but I...

Do we pick who she liked the most on that question? I think so. I'm going to go Cinnamon Toast Crunch. All right. That feels like me, a little quirky, a little different. Rebecca takes the first round. Excellent. Ashley, what's next?

If I am engaged in a heated 2 a.m. Twitter feud with Tony-nominated playwright and most losing Tony loser. He actually lost the most Tonys in history. All right, come on. Come on. Actually, he lost the most Tonys in history. But you're taking a really cool thing and making it sound bad.

It's cool to be nominated for Tonys. Most people don't get nominated. Is it cool to lose the most in history? I'd rather lose a Tony than never have been nominated for a fucking Tony. It's hard't get nominated. Is it cool to lose the most in history? It's better to, I'd rather lose a Tony than never have been nominated for a fucking Tony. It's hard to get nominated for a Tony. It is hard to get nominated and even harder to

lose the most. Most people lose a Tony. You know, when people get nominated for Oscars, if you win an Oscar, you live longer than the nominees. But mostly, like, usually if you get, like, 12 Oscar nominations, you're at least gonna walk away with, like, Best Cinematographer. To get the most Tony nominations in history least going to walk away with Best Cinematographer. To get the most Tony nominations in history

and not even walk away with one. Oh my God. But if I'm in an engaged, heated 2 a.m. Twitter feud with this playwright, Jeremy O. Harris, how would you convince me to lay down my sword and go to sleep? Let's start with Rachel this time. I'd say Twitter is about to self-implode, so it's just

not worth it. Not worth it, says Rachel. Adam? I think I would ask you to call Susan Lucci. Call Susan Lucci. And reminder that Susan Lucci lost the most fucking Emmys. I got you. And guess what? I would say, who's Susan Lucci? I don't know. Wow.

Alright. Rebecca? First of all, I don't remember the question. Second of all, who's Susan Lucci? I don't know. What? Wow. All right. Rebecca. First of all, I don't remember the question. Second of all, who's Susan Lucci? That's Rebecca. That's going to be the answer. The only delicate, tiny flower I was obsessed with from 10 to 16. She's this big, and she had many children and loved many men. She bones up to here.

Rebecca is weeping. Ashley, I want you to know something. I want you to know something, Ashley. Is she in Days of Our Lives? I got you a chair. Oh, my children. I got a chair for this question because for this question,

I am going to be a contestant. Ashley, put your fucking phone down. What are you doing? It is the middle of the night and you are picking a feud with a playwright for what godly purpose? Am I picking it or is he? You're an incredibly talented

amazing writer and you are sitting up late at night bickering with another talented person for the purposes of what? I'm up late at night going, Gossip Girl the reboot is not that good and he's going well I'm in it and I'm up late at night going, Gossip Girl, the reboot is not that good. And he's going, well, I'm in it.

And I'm like, not my problem. Oh, no. It got canceled. Anyway. All right. So the next question, also the last one I'm going to go with Rachel's answer, which is Twitter is imploding.

Thank you. Yes, Rachel, that was good. Thank you. Tar or Babylon, explain your answer. Adam, let's start with you. I hear there's a lot of nudity in Babylon, so I'm going to go with that one, even though I heard it's fucking horrible.

Rebecca, what do you think? I have to go Tar, because my best friend just sent me a picture of the billboard today. She's tried to watch it three times. She accidentally bought it on Amazon. And now she's just forcing herself to fucking watch it. And she actually is a client as well. And so she said she's going to pay me

to watch it and explain it to her. Tar or Babylon? There is a correct answer, Rachel. I like the mammoth skeleton at the tar pits, so I'll go with tar. Oh, very good. Okay. Ashley, what do you think?

It's time now for you to decide not just on that question, but on your date. Again, for this question, I mean, I like Adam's answer. I love the nudity thing, but I love the thinking out of the box with the tar and the tar pits

because, like me, you have no idea what the movie Tar is about, obviously. And I'm into that. I think we click on that. Because also, by the way, it's not Tar. It's Tar. It's about an angry lady or something.

Plays music. What do you think, Ashley? It is time for you to choose your winner. I have to go with Rachel. Rachel wins. Ashley, thank you. The dating game. Everybody should check out

Ashley's podcast, TV I Say, and also you can keep up with all of her feuds on Twitter. Every day a new feud. Every day a new chance. Mostly with Jeremy O'Hara. When we come back, one more look at Madonna's deepest desires. Thank you both for playing the game.

Thank you to Rebecca, Rachel, and Adam, and thank you to Ashley Rae. The artist requires her dressing room to be fully stocked with all of the gangsters from Dick Tracy? The artist requests one of each Dick Tracy gangster, big boy caprice, flat top, prune face, lips manless, and the brow.

At no point should anyone in the venue say in front of the artist that those gangsters were in fact character actors transformed via prosthetics into classic comic book villains. If no suitable gangsters can be found, artists request that an equal number of venue staff be surgically altered into Tick Tracy gangsters. A list of possible surgeons will be made available upon request. That's cool. Madonna still got it. When we come back, the rant wheel.

And we're back. Before the rant wheel, one note, friend of the pod merch, we see you all out there growing and improving in the new year. The Crooked Store

decided to follow suit and update our friend of the pod merch for our ever-evolving listeners. The new and improved pieces include classic t-shirts, crew necks and hats and new colors.

There's even some camo, so you can blend in with the forest and or your uncles who like hunting. It's all available now at crooked.com slash store. Now it's time for the rant. Here's how it works. We'll spin the wheel wherever it lands. We'll rant about the topic. This week on the wheel, we have not enough fat people

on dating shows. We have Olive Garden slander. We have haunted hay rides, workout apps, Grey's Anatomy Without Meredith Grey, Baristas That Kind of Flirt With You, Babylon, and Old Nerds. Let's spin the wheel.

It has landed on Grey's Anatomy without Meredith Grey. That was mine. That was mine. I can't even believe we're talking about this. I can't believe that as a society and a country, we're okay with this even being a prospect. But when Grey's Anatomy comes back at this mid-season hiatus,

it'll be Meredith Grey, pompeo's last episode yeah since 2005 gray's anatomy has been about meredith gray and now she's leaving to make some stupid netflix show why this is your life just you made a choice you're gonna be meredith gray forever you have to stick with it until you're in the grave deal with that okay but no she abandons us yes i've been watching gray's anatomy still since 2005 and i've never stopped okay and it was bad and it got good again and then bad again and then good again and then it was most recently bad again but meredith gray is the only person who could save it and now we're just gonna do the show without her like what even is it who is the only person who could save it. And now we're just going to do the show without her. Like, what even is it? Who is the Grey?

What? Who's anatomy? I don't understand. And like her daughter is too young to be an intern. So it's not even like a next generational thing. What? Like, I think they should just go back in time, make the show about her mother in the 60s and don't even address it.

No, don't even explain it. They just the next season starts and all of a sudden it's about her mom, Dr. Grey, and then we get to see baby Meredith and then it all makes sense. Because otherwise,

I don't know why legally this is allowed. It's a very important point. Thank you. Thank you for sharing that. One thing I just learned from your rant, Dr. Grey is a nepo baby?

Yeah. Yeah, Dr. Meredith Grey is absolutely the biggest nepo baby there's an award named after her mother the Grey's award that everybody wants her mother won the Harper Avery award as we all know which is how Meredith gets accepted into the Seattle

Grey's intern program even though she has slept with her boss do you remember when ER cycled through new people? No, I'm too young to watch that show. I watched Grey's Anatomy. Sorry. The thing about ER is, what's that thing about the Thesian, some Greek ship where they

rebuild it as it goes and when it gets... Ship of Theseus. Thank you, sir. The ship of Theseus where as it goes across the ocean they replace little bits and when it gets... Ship of Theseus. Thank you, sir. The Ship of Theseus, where as it goes across the ocean, they replace little bits, and when it arrives, it's all new parts, but it's still the Ship of Theseus. That's what they did with ER. Clooney was gone.

Yeah, but they can't do that with Grey's Anatomy. Like, Meredith has never been gone. They've never found a way to get her out of the story. She is the ship. The hospital is literally called Grey's Sloan Hospital now. Well, then that's still fine. Then is the ship. The hospital is literally called Grace Sloan Hospital now. Well, then that's still fine. Then you're good. The hospital, it's been about the hospital the whole fucking time.

See, I am mad that they're going to make me accept that. Not like Chicago Hope. I'm mad that they're going to make me accept that. Even if someone on Chicago Hope was named Hope and they left the show, it's still Chicago Hope. Yeah. All right? Wow. That's how they're going to get around this bullshit.

They're going to be like, the hospital. It's still Mandy Patinkin going, medicine. they're going to get around this bullshit. They're going to be like, the hospital. It's still Mandy Patinkin going, merrr, medicine.

There was a moment in Chicago Hope early in the season where Mandy Patinkin turns to the camera and says, if you like this, check out ER. You should watch Yentl. You should. All right.

Sorry, I'm old too. Let's spin it again. In high school, I was a Chicago Hope person when everybody else was watching ER. And I was like, you all act like ER was first. Chicago Hope was first. Anyway, I made friends in college.

It has landed on Haunted Hay Rides. Oh, that was me. That was me. Jamie, take it away. Look, I'm very pro Haunted Hay Ride. I've been recently coming out as a recent Haunted Hay Ride employee. I worked at the Los pro Haunted Hayride. I've been recently coming out as a recent Haunted Hayride employee. I worked at the Los Angeles Haunted Hayride this past season for three quarters of the season.

And the only thing sadder than working at a Haunted Hayride is working at a Haunted Hayride if you don't need the money. And I did that because I was just like feeling really sad. And I was like, what was just feeling really sad. And I was like, what's going to put me in a bad mood? Scaring people? And I've always been curious. I wanted to know. And I just wanted to come out.

And I've just been trying to justify the experience by coming out hard pro. Because if you go to the Haunted Hayride in Los Angeles, if you're local, it costs $30 and it's not scary. hayride in Los Angeles, if you're local, it costs $30 and it's not scary. But I will say that the experience of working at the haunted hayride was quite scary. And so if you're paying too much to see a haunted hayride and experience it and you're not afraid, just know that the employees are very afraid. Because when I worked there, my boss was this man named Stephen who said on day one, he said, I'm in charge of actors, not tractors, okay? And I was curious as to why he was saying that, and it's because I quickly learned that the actors were constantly hit by tractors.

And so I'm just trying to, like, spread the word about this, where, like, even if you're not afraid, the person that's like wearing the fish suit could be hit by a tractor at any moment and so the reason I was murder nurse too was because I got there day one and my boss I was coming in late in the season and Stephen said okay Jamie how far away would you stand from this tractor if you didn't want to get hit? And I went about an arm's length, and I was like, about this far. And then he was like, not far enough. And he said, at least three arms length away, because the tractor drivers can't be controlled.

And then he's like, okay, you're murder nurse two, you're in the asylum team, no time to explain. But basically, you're murder nurse two. Just watch murder nurse one. You'll figure out what's going on. And I watched Any questions? This is like showgirls when they just said follow it and just like get in there.

Follow the moves. It's like that but like somehow even lower stakes. But they throw me into the asylum scene and they're like just watch Steph she's got this and she's Murder Nurse 1 and then the first time I watch her she's trying to big dog me a little bit and she's standing on this platform and she's

lip syncing and leaning towards the tractor and then she falls onto the pavement it's like a four foot tall platform and then she gets taken away in an ambulance that night and then I got promoted to murder nurse one. I go every year and it's honestly more like $70 than 40. I don't know why you're telling these lies.

I'm giving the coupon price. Worth every fucking penny. Thank you. I love it. Even with this knowledge. If murder nurses died annually, I would still go. There was this part when I went and... You went?

Yeah, and there was this scene. It was kind of like an asylum. And then all of a sudden there was this limping nurse and she was screaming, my name is Stephanie, help me, help me. This is not part of it. This is not part of it. I can't feel my feet.

I can't feel my feet. Oh my God. Oh my God. This is what my life has become. This is what my of it. I can't feel my feet. I can't feel my feet. Oh my God. Oh my God. Is this is what my life has become? Is this what my life has become? I almost got a part on Grey's Anatomy. And I didn't get it.

But that doesn't matter. Almost getting something doesn't matter. This is my life. Am I an actor? Is this what it is? Will it ever get better? When do I give up? And then I came out and I pushed her in front of the tractor so I could get the part.

Let's spin it again. Thank you, Jamie. It has landed on Babylon. I put this down because I have seen the film Babylon. It was light out when I went in. It I have seen the film Babylon. It was light out when I went in.

It was dark when I came out. That movie is long enough that if you go get lunch and see Babylon, you have to worry about your dog. You can't get lunch and see a movie without being like, ah, fuck, she's gotta pee. I don't know what happened in this town,

but it used to be run by old Jews who didn't care what was in the movies. And they were in charge, and if some director came in and said it has to be three hours and 15 minutes, they would say in Yiddish, get the fuck out of here, it's gonna be two hours and 20 minutes, because that's

a movie. Blame Kanye. It's probably part of it. It's probably part of it. And I got to tell you, now I go see these three hour and 15 minute movies, your avatar's ways of water, your Babylon's,

and I'm in the movie and I'm enjoying it. All right. And then I'm thinking to myself, could have trimmed that. We didn't need this whole fucking beat. In Avatar, colon, The Way of Water, spoiler, The Way of Water is holding your fucking breath.

A concept we got the first time it was explained to us. We spent an hour and a half of that movie finding out that one of the sons is a little bit kind of, doesn't follow the rules and the other son's annoyed. Took an hour to tell tell us that still don't even know their fucking names you don't know anybody's names they say them once at the beginning and then in babylon you're two hours

and 30 minutes into this thing and then all of a sudden you're in a whole new movie and you have to go to the bathroom. And you're like, all right, this scene's talky. I'm going to the bathroom. As someone who saw both, did you like, and this is a big spoiler and yet reveals nothing, did you like at the end of Babylon where they showed a clip of Avatar 1? Okay, so that's a really good point,

which is that does tie these things together. Because after you've been sitting in Babylon for more than three hours, you are at the three fucking hour mark, there is a montage where you watch a main character watch Babylon and cry about how good it is. And then you watch as Babylon evolves into the future of cinema until you are

literally watching a super cut of James Cameron movies, including both Terminator two and avatar while the main character is weeping at the prospect. And this will be my final point on this topic. I loved both films. Sounded like it. I genuinely did. I genuinely did.

Could we lose 30 from both? Get an hour of our lives back? You betcha. But is this a year of like three to four different films about the power of cinema? It is, right? Yeah, with the Slendermans or whatever. Yeah, the Slendermans. The Slendermans. The Slenderm, with the Slendermans or whatever. Yeah, the Slendermans.

The Slendermans. The Slendermans. The Slendermans is totally different. It's a little creepy. What's the other one? The Olivia Colman movie. It was a little bit Melf Manor. Yeah, nobody saw that one.

I saw it in the theater. I loved it. I cried. She was fucking an 18-year-old. And that part made me horny. Man. Yeah, I think that's... Be the MILF man you want to see in the world. Let's spin it again. Do Babylon again.

I'm going to do Babylon for three hours and 15 minutes. Not enough. In the spirit of Babylon, my rant was 30 minutes too long. Not enough fat people on dating shows. Okay, I feel like I should stand for this. Because I feel angry. First, a little bit of just credibility. I love dating shows.

I've been doing it for a long time, okay? I'm 42. I started young. Blind date. Eliminate. Next. I love it. I love that it's been opened up, okay?

To queer dating, to Indian matchmaking, little people, MILFs. Of course, I support, and yet, not a fat body anywhere to be found. Which, God forbid, there should be someone on a dating show that has a personality. You know what I mean? Wouldn't that be so scary? I think these dating shows are honestly very comforting for me because everyone is so dumb and boring that I just almost forget. I didn't know that one kid was the same other kid with the necklaces.

You know, if there was one very, like, gregarious fucking fat bitch on that show, I would never forget her name. Did we get Alexa on Love is Blind a little bit? Yeah. She was thick. Thank you. But she, like thank you but she like also has like a multi-millionaire israeli dad do you know what i mean like that for some reason rich cancels out fat i don't care about you anymore most it's real most of this country is tv fat to very fat i mean you're like all mostly tv fat sorry um i'm obese on tv it's just can we not we love you know we fuck a lot and really good um can i want to see one

love is blind reveal where this like very funny hypothetically 42-year-old comedian lady is just like making this dude laugh, just like making him cry, making him think, you know? And then all of a sudden he's like, oh no, you're old and fat. I love you so much. Because they always do, okay? These little men with abs

constantly come for us. All right? Ashley knows. She's nodding. I do. More shredded. Yeah, I like shredded cheese. Come over to my house.

This is going off the rails. I just put fat people on dating shows. Okay? That's it. With a caveat, I would like to thank and honor and give an award to maybe the only and the best TV reality dating show ever that does have some thickness in it, Love on the Spectrum. Thank you, angels. And make 25 more seasons of that show because sensitivity and fatness, yeah, I'll watch it all day.

Thank you. Thank you. Sorry I was so mad. Thank you. I'm shaking. I'm literally shaking. We're literally shaking. Not sure about the music cues on Love on the Spectrum. Let's spin it again. It's old man like, there they go again. Yeah.

It has landed on old nerds. Oh, okay. Well, it says rants because I was going to rant about rants. Because I'm from the 90s, so I'm super meta. Nice. I was going to drop some Mr. Show shit on you guys. Some Gen X energy. Oh, yeah, yeah.

Instead, old nerds is my topic. Hi, I'm an old nerd. I'm one of the oldest and the most nerdiest of all the old nerds. So I feel really qualified to talk about other old nerds. If you're mad about shit in 2023 that's out, as a nerd, you should be so fucking happy that there's a Moon Knight show, that there's a fucking Werewolf by Night show. Boba Fett has a fucking show.

If you're complaining about shit, shut the fuck up and watch another show. Because there's fucking so many things of all the properties I've loved. All that IP that's out there now. Shit I never thought would exist. Shazam is a fucking movie.

Black Adam. Holy fuck. Here's the thing. And if you're mad about diversity in comic books, good. Fucking finally. Super Friends was bullshit. All white.

Fucking boring. You had the alien. That was it. That was the only diversity in that. Black Lightning would come on once in a while. You'd be like, I want more fucking Black Lightning. That guy's amazing. As an old nerd, good. Bring it on.

Here's the other thing. If you're pissed about diverse casting in, like, Star Trek, you just started watching Star Trek. Because that's what it was, you fucking idiot. Like, oh, my God. Also, yeah, no shit. One of my first crushes. Like, like yes that's what the show was about anyway if you're mad i got notes here if you're mad about little mermaid and fucking velma and you're

an old nerd like why are you mad about those shows like don't watch them you know what i mean like plus it's creepy. If you're going to see fucking Little Mermaid and you're my age, you're going to make everybody uncomfortable. Stay home and stream that shit and then get mad at it. But don't go to a fucking theater if you look like me

because everybody's going to think you're going to do the popcorn trick the whole time. Like on yourself. It's not a trick when you just beat off in your popcorn. You know what I mean? I didn't write that part down. I'm just sort of riffing. But you know what I mean.

No, we know what you mean. 100%. Well, you know, the butter dispensers always get empty eventually, so you've got to have another option. I like to make my own butter. That got gross. Nerdiness has always been about inclusiveness. For me, I mean, we always accepted everyone.

And here's the thing. Except you, old racist nerds. Turning your fucking nerd card. Thank you. That's the rant wheel. When we come back, we'll end on a high note. And we're back. Because we all need it this week, here it is, the high note.

Hey, Love It. I was just listening to this week's episode and realized that I actually had a high note to call about. So I got a job back in June working for the state of Illinois. And this past Monday night, I got to go to the inaugural ball in Springfield that is thrown by the governor. And I got into politics really because of this show and everything that you guys have done and it was just really cool and rewarding to be at an event like that that really showed me I am working towards a goal that I've dreamt of for the past five to seven years so wanted to say thanks for all you do and love the show every week bye

hey love it and co this is Mary Kate from St. Paul, Minnesota, capital city baby. And my high note this week is that my museum workplace won our vote to unionize by an almost two to one majority after almost two years of organizing and a bananas aggressive anti-campaign buyer management. anti-campaign buyer management. I'm so fucking proud of everyone who busted their asses on this campaign. And I hope this inspires other museums and cultural institutions like us to stand up for the people who do the work and take collective action. Appreciate you all.

Bye. Thanks to everybody who sent in a high note tonight. If you want to leave us a message about something that gave you hope, call us at 323-538-2377. That is our show. Thank you so much to Brian Fosain, Jamie Loftus, Ashley Ray, and Amy Miller. There are 654 days until the 2024 elections. Have a great night. Thank you all for coming, and have a great weekend. Thank you. Pallavi Gunalan, and Peter Miller are the writers. Bill Lance is our editor, and Kyle Seglin and Stephen Colon are our audio engineers. Our theme song is written and performed

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