Lovett or Leave It - New Year, New Rants

Episode Date: January 1, 2022

Pop an ibuprofen, pour yourself a tall glass of water, and nurse your NYE hangover with a big, salty mess of frustrations! That’s right, our January 1 Rant-a-thon is here. Roy Wood Jr. centers the importance of your Uber driver, while Alex Edelman raises an eyebrow at corporate charity. Shalewa Sharpe reminisces about cookies gone by, while Marcy Jarreau sounds off about car horns. Crooked’s own Elijah Cone says farewell to all his beloved commies in California as he moves across the country. Lovett or Leave It writers Jocelyn Coffman and Pallavi Gunalan defend James Corden and more reasonable check splitting, respectively. And our head writer Halle Kiefer defends the indefensible: hating chocolate chips. Get ready to rage! Let’s get into it!For a closed-captioned version of this episode, click here. For a transcript of this episode, please email [e-mail] and include the name of the podcast.

Happy 2022 and we're back Love it or leave it listeners Whether you're nursing baby new year or a raging hangover Odds are you've already had enough of the flowery Lovey dovey self-improvement woo woo That we get on January 1st So on offer we have something different What you're about to hear is a podcast worth of Un uninterrupted moaning and groaning about petty minutiae, followed by

achievable and non-aspirational dirtbag resolutions, because I plan to put no effort into quelling the habits and neuroses that have plagued me my entire life and led me to this moment. And in that endeavor, I hope you'll join me. Without further ado, let's start with the first rants of 2022. She is a writer on Brooklyn Nine-Nine and the co-host of Ella's for Losers and 90 Day Bay. Please welcome Marcy Jaro. Marcy, thanks for being here. Hello. Thanks for having me. What are you going to rant about on our rant-a-thon? I'm going to rant about horns, honking horns. I feel like they get a bad rap. Yes. I was so worried what direction you were going to take this,

and I love the direction it's going in. Over to you, Marcy. Okay. I'm from Louisiana, and if you honk a horn down there, it is one of the rudest things you could possibly do, but there's so many reasons why you need to. I've heard other people say this before, so I'm not the first person to think of it, that we should have different sounds for like a more polite sounding horn or, hey, your gas cap is open horn, or you got your blinker on and it's confusing the rest of us. Like there's a lot of

reasons why we need horns and we shouldn't be afraid to be shot in traffic just for helping out other people. That's my piece. I think that's exactly right. I think it doesn't make sense that our horn lacks the nuance of a dog's bark, right? Like dogs have a warning bark. They have an I'm scared bark. They have a I'm thrilled bark. They have a stranger bark, you know, and we just have

the one horn. And I completely agree. I mean, every once in a while I will execute some road justice, you know, and get some get some back and forth faces. I need to understand what justice is. So I would say this. So, you know, when you're boarding a plane, say you're flying an airline. Let's say it's United. And they have boarding groups. You know, groups one through, say, seven. And you look down on your phone there and you see that you're boarding group four. Great.

You wait for four. Then you look around. You look and you see there's a five boarding. You see there's a six boarding. But they haven't called it yet. Well, United is not enforcing the rules, so now there are only two boarding groups, winners and suckers. And I feel the same way that if you are in a situation

where there's one lane that goes straight and one lane that turns right, and the one that turns right is flying right along, and you're staying where you're supposed to be in the lane that goes straight, and all of a sudden you see the car is passing you right to your right, trying to get in up ahead. They know exactly what they're fucking doing. And I will go to extraordinary lengths to keep the space between me and the car ahead of me closed so that these animals cannot squeeze in when they have so clearly chosen not to be part of society. I get it. If it does happen, then I lose that battle of wills

because they know deep down that I am bluffing and I don't want to hit their car. And they get up in front of me. Oh, that horn is a friend of mine. Oh. And he's here to protect me. Okay. From this car.

You know what I do? Uh-huh. I shake my finger. I shake my finger at people constantly do you think it's weird that my my horn's a boy no i mean i feel like whatever makes you feel the safest mine is an angry bus driver so wherever you feel like your power is that's what your horn should be i really got into it this morning with somebody uh in this situation they were describing and i will say that when

this person tried to get ahead of me, I did swerve left to drive forward to try to get back in front of them. Oh, here's the thing. People say people in L.A. are nicer than people in New York. That is not true. They contain their rage and animosity and they save it until they are on the fetid, crowded streets of this town. Yeah, I've seen some real personality changes from other people. It's interesting to watch someone very nice get so angry just because another car did a thing they didn't like. And people have their own rules about what other cars should do. It's not just even like we learned it in driver's ed.

It's like, no, no, no, they shouldn't do that. You like what are you what are you talking about i don't know we're all trying to survive out here if we can't all agree that horns are great and have nuanced horns i also think that all cars should come with like a little ticker inside and so if you were close to the car you should be able to send a little message and be like hey absolutely you're veering into my lane we got to be conversing. Open the lines of communication. Hey, sometimes what you want to say is, I'm not mad, but I just need you to know that you're supposed to be going forward. I'm disappointed. I'm not mad.

I'm disappointed. Because I do wonder if a sizable amount of traffic in cities now is built up of that tiny little time of people on their phones at red lights that little moment where it just like the i would say it's the worst quarter second in human life yeah which is the like the light is green and you're like i don't want to do it don't make me do it don't make me hit this horn don't make don't make me hit this horn toyota avalon i will hit this fucking horn i feel nothing in those moments. Nothing. You just hear the sound of your horn.

Yeah. I'm just like, oh, it's just happening because you knew not only you being rude, but you're putting everyone in danger. Do you know? I've heard that there's a future reality in which we might have breathalyzers in all of our cars. Instead of that, they should shut your phone down. I support that.

Yeah. I support that. I'll do. I'm actually OK with both. I think you have to operate a breathalyzer. And then there's some sort of AI developed by Elon Musk that makes sure your eyes are facing forward. Oh, God, I hope he does. He's got to do it.

Yeah, he's got to do it. He's got the guy's the man of the year. He should do it. He should do it. And I know he wants to help us. So why wouldn't he? All right. Thanks.

That's to leave it on that note. She is a stand up and writer on this very podcast. Please welcome Pallavi Gunalan. Pallavi, thanks for being here. Thanks for having me. I'm excited. So let's welcome. Huge fan. Huge fan of the show. All right. All right. I didn't approve this. All right. Pallavi, what is your rant for our rant-a-thon? My rant is about when people ask to split a bill evenly, but they didn't order evenly.

This is a problem of the 1%. Every friend of mine who isn't rich doesn't do this because they're, how do I, they're considerate. If it's so inconvenient for you to split a bill, why did you get your Ivy League education? That's all I want to know. Like, just say you don't want to be friends with people in other socioeconomic classes. That's all I want to know. Like, just say you don't want to be friends with people in other socioeconomic classes. That's all you're doing is making it more uncomfortable for other people. I used to live in San Francisco and I used to be friends with a lot of white people in tech. And every time they'd want to hang out, they'd insist we go to a fancy new restaurant because they're a foodie, which by the way, is not a personality. Okay.

because they're a foodie, which by the way, is not a personality. Okay. So I'm already buying my way into a friendship. There's a membership fee for this roaming country club. And I get there and the meals would be tiny little fucking portions of food to hang out with these friends. I'd have to plan to have a first supper before a second supper, like some kind of diversity, higher Hobbit. Okay. I would have a burrito before my burrata, all right? And then after all of this inconvenience that you have unknowingly done to me, we can't split the bill according to our tax bracket because it's just a bit of extra thinking for you. Like, I'm a vegetarian, all right? One time I went to a fancy ass steak restaurant with all of my friends and they all wanted to eat fancy steaks I got a fucking glass of water and a salad okay and just

as we were handing in our cards one of my friends right as I was about to be like oh can we just pay for what we got like non-psychopaths she was like when i was a waiter i hated it when we would be asked to split the bill unevenly and so then i had to just eat it unlike the food at the restaurant i we had to split the bill i was at this fucking meat restaurant that couldn't afford spotify premium there were ads there these there were at there were commercials in a steak restaurant. And I cannot think of a better analogy for inconsiderate rich people who force you to split the bill with their cheap asses. I so appreciate this. First of all, I also appreciate a pre-burrata burrito. There's a real social dilemma that happens, which is so this would happen to me a lot because I,

that happens, which is so this would happen to me a lot because I you know, you've met me. I think alcohol is the old economy. I think weed is weed is 21st century. What was this made in a cask? Benjamin Franklin drank this. We don't need to do this anymore. You know, like we don't need this is crazy. We've moved on. We've moved on. There's better ways to make this conversation palatable. We take medicine now to have fun. Absolutely. And so a lot of times it's like, wait a second, I got food. I didn't participate in this socially acceptable drug taking session that is ordering drinks at dinner. And yet here we are splitting the bill. But then there's another issue here, which is there's an uncomfortable other alternative, which you don't want. So let's say you weren't super hungry. You got a sandwich, you go out with people, they got steak, salads, and drinks. Right. And you say,

I don't want to split it. There's a moment where it's like, oh no, no, no. Let us just get your sandwich because we got so much more. And then you feel bad. You're like, no, no, no. I'm not looking to be taken out to dinner. I want everyone made whole tonight. You know what I mean? Yeah. Let's just walk away. You know what? I think we need to start leaning into this. We need to start leaning in and be like, yeah, and pay for my Uber to get here. Okay. Now you're becoming the villain. Now you're just the villain in this story.

A little bit. It means nothing to them, John. Should we get a bottle of wine? No, it's gross. It's just bad grape juice what are we doing here i want to die coke when they pick a restaurant that requires like a prefix menu that's like 75 dollars and no warning you're you like that yeah yeah we're never getting dinner together i want to make one other point i want to make one other point which is unrelated and i've made this before i'll say it again a dinner party is just a restaurant that serves one fucking thing.

Oh, yeah. And you have to bring wine anyway. So you're still buying dinner. It's just can we meet at a restaurant? We can each get something instead of the thing you learn to make. There are professionals that do this. I feel like this is coming from someone who doesn't cook. Doesn't cook at all, actually. I'm like, I would love a dinner party because I have friends who are like amazing at baking and cooking. And it just feels different when it's home cooked. Yeah. And you have to say how good it is. Yeah. No, I definitely wanted this.

You're saying the negative things. I'm saying the positive things. But you're acting as though I'm agreeing with you. No, I am on the same page as you. You want to you want your friends to either cook for you or take you to dinner. And those are the only acceptable options. you. You want your friends to either cook for you or take you to dinner. And those are the only acceptable options. I'm on a hunger strike unless someone is feeding me. Thank you for that rant. She is a comedian, writer and star of Don't Reach in the Back and host of the War Report podcast. Please welcome Shalewa Sharp. Thanks for being here. Thanks for having me.

Thanks for being part of our rant-a-thon. I'll throw it over to you to rant about, well, I don't know what. I'm excited to find out what it is. I would like to rant today and many days about cookies. Cookies disappearing in particular. Cookies disappearing in particular. When I'm stressed out, I tend to turn to cookies. And I recently got reacquainted with an old favorite, Vienna Fingers. Oh, speaking my language. Yeah, I love it. It's a simple, clean cookie, a very minimalist cookie.

I got some from a store. Great. I went back. They weren't there. No problem. I'll go to another store. I went to another store. They were not there. Starting to worry. I go to a third store, not there. And then I get this fear bubble in my chest that they had been discontinued. I am learning about this right now and on the same

journey with you. It was frightening. I've had this happen to me before. My all-time favorite cookie was a cookie called Lemon Coolers. Now, those were like, you know, those wedding cookies that have powdered sugar all over them and maybe bits of almond or some wackiness. Well, it was like that, but with little chunks of lemon. And those saw me through high school and most of college. I say most of college because college was just a year for me, but it helped me get through that year. I had a lemon cooler box top in my high school locker. That's what I was known for. You're a huge fan. Huge fan. It was part of your identity. I loved them so much. Then they just disappeared. I thought, well what happened? And then they reappeared, but then they disappeared again. And now they're just gone.

And there are lots of forums online of people trying to make their own. Who wants a homemade, store-made cookie? No one wants that. You want a store-made cookie because it doesn't have the love. You're not looking for love in your cookie. You're looking for efficiency. I don't want a cookie that a grandmother made from a recipe that came from her aunt for a beloved child. I want something capitalism made. I want a cookie where they said, hey,

if we can get the price down by 1.2%, we can make 7 million of these things this year. Absolutely. That's the kind of cookie I'm looking for. That's what I'm looking for as well. I want a cookie where people had to cross a picket line to make them. That's what I'm looking for. I don't feel good about a cookie unless I know it was made by fucking scabs. Yeah, absolutely.

Absolutely. Tastes sweeter. So I thought that's what was happening with Vienna Fingers. And I thought, oh, no, no, no. And then they appeared just scores of them. Thank God. Marked down. And I was like, oh, no, no, no. And then they appeared just scores of them. Thank God. Marked down. And I was like, oh, no, they marked down.

Like, oh, how old are these? But they were fine. They were fine. They were fine. They seemed fine. But then I found out that the company that makes them is one of the Kellogg crew. Oh, so we're not having them right now. So I'm not having them right now.

We're not having them right now. Well, you know what? I was worried because the lemon cookies, that sounded pretty sophisticated. And I find often that if you're not careful, like a Vienna finger, it is just on the edge. It is just sophisticated enough that America might say, no fucking more of these things. Right. These are not sweet enough. These are not enough like Oreos.

Get these off of my shelves. Because I love Vienna fingers. You feel like, am I eating a cookie or am I eating a cookie in a palace? Like these are fancy cookies it's the shape they're the shape of ladyfingers and i was pretty sure i didn't grow up in a family that was allowed to eat ladyfingers that was not my lot you need to be anything or you close your eyes you can imagine it absolutely and lemon coolers though they look like a wedding cookie and it seems like it'd be fancy the box was was like just straight cartoons. It was pure sugar.

I don't need anything that is refined except for the sugar. I will eat sugar out of the bag. So trust me, it was definitely something that would make you very, very ill. So I'm very sympathetic to this issue of things you love being discontinued because I've recently gone through something. It's very personal, which is Taco Bell obviously did some refreshing of their menu, adding items, removing items. They removed an item called the Mexican pizza, which is I think an ironic name because it is neither. They also removed the double-decker taco, which was among my favorites because a double decker taco supreme was just a taco supreme with a layer of beans and a soft shell around it because when you take a bite of a taco bell taco anything can happen i mean it explodes like old ordinance that they find you

know it just goes everywhere if you're in a car're fucked. But you put a double decker taco in the car, it's caught, right? The beans and the soft shell kind of catch it. You know, almost like in like school cafeterias, there's that glass that has the wires in it. They're like shatterproof glass. A double decker taco supreme is a shatterproof taco. And the bigwigs over there at the Taco Bell, they said no mas. Very frustrating situation. So I understand.

So I very much appreciate your rant. Thank you for sharing it. Thank you for letting me share that with the world. And everyone, just keep an eye on your favorite cookie. Keep an eye on it. You know what I mean? Cherish it. Because it could be gone.

It could be gone in a moment. Tomorrow. That's a lesson for life as well. He is Cricket's director of video development, and he's leaving California forever. Please welcome Elijah Cohn. Elijah, hit us with your rant. John, as you mentioned, I'm leaving California. I'm going to move to North Carolina. Don't worry if you like our video content. I'm still going to be working at the company, although maybe not after I finish this rant. What I have issue

with is now that I'm moving, there is a right wing talking point that I am coming into conflict with, which is the idea of communist California. If you're not familiar with it, it's the idea that California isn't free. California is a failed communist state. Let me tell you, as someone who is moving to a quote unquote free state, I have major issues with this talking point. I'm about to say this as someone who is from North Carolina and loves North Carolina very much. John, when I moved to California, I want to tell you about the first time that I walked into a grocery store because my mind was absolutely blown. They had liquor just right there. You bet. No blue laws. Right on the cabinets, right next to the Cheez-Its and whatever. You can buy it at

any grocery store, any time of day. Do you know what an ABC store is, John? What's an ABC store, Elijah? An ABC store is what they have in North Carolina. It is a state run liquor store. The liquor industry in North Carolina is a state run enterprise. If you want to buy liquor, you have to go to a special store that is closed a lot. It's closed on certain days of the week. Not being able to buy liquor anywhere I want, anytime I want, is a huge tangible loss of freedom for me. Number one. Number two, do you know how many weed stores there are within walking distance from my apartment currently, John? I want you to know something. In all the conversations we had about you moving from California to North Carolina, it is not occurring to me until this moment that there is an implication

related to what you're about to say there are three stores within one uh-huh and uh uh well that's great there must be you know north carolina if you're moving to a place that has lots of freedom and and they don't have you know democrats socialists communists there must be weed stores must be five or six weed stores in walking distance from your new home in North Carolina. No? John, there are zero. They're not within driving distance.

Wow. Weed is illegal in North Carolina. I can get it now anytime I want. Three convenience stores. They all have a little bit of a different personality. They all have every kind of product I want. I talked to a friend from north carolina the other day a state again where weed is illegal and they told me they had to choose between not getting high

and going to their dealer's house and listening to their dealer talk for an hour so it sounds to me like what you're saying is that because weed has been made illegal in north carolina weed is only available to people who can afford to get it illegally or get out of state if they need to. That's correct. And otherwise, the people that live in that state don't have that kind of freedom. That's correct, John. And I actually don't think there's any other issue as serious

where there's a similar story as weed. I think that is the only place. Basically, there are lots of people out there who will no longer have access to weed in certain southern states without having to drive or get a ride out of the state or find an illegal way of getting weed because of the kind of excessive power of the state over our right to make choices about our health, about the drugs inability to thread the needle on more serious issues that were initially part of this rant. And when I practiced it, I was told to stick to the weed and liquor, the stuff that you really know intimately. But nobody can tell me that. Nobody could tell me that is my fucking show. And what's number three, Elijah?

Oh, that was it. Again, this is someone who is from North Carolina, loves North Carolina. If I wanted to pick a third one, it's just the elephant in the room a couple of ways. I just have to be around a bunch of fucking conservatives, which is going to drive me crazy. Well, Elijah, you know, I know this is all in good fun, and I've said this before. I'll say it here. You're making a mistake by moving to North Carolina. You should stay in California. And this is a kind of a big life decision that I think you're making after the pandemic at a weird moment of transition for you in your life. And I think it's a mistake and I think you'll regret it. And I think you should not move. I think that's a fair analysis. And I look forward to you giving me that feedback again in a very graceful way a couple of months down the line.

Good luck with the sushi. Elijah Cohn, everybody. Thanks, John. Hey, don't go anywhere. There's more of Love It or Leave It coming up. Next up, he is a comedian and the writer and star of just for us currently running off broadway please welcome alex edelman alex thanks for being here thank you so much for having me i get to tell you now what i'm pissed off about yes yes what are you pissed off about i'm extremely

pissed off by the preponderance of like when you check out at CVS or something and they're like would you like to donate a dollar and it's like why so you guys can write it off to pay even fewer taxes than you already like and I'm like what's this dollar for and they're like oh it's to feed hungry children and it's like io5 like you have food why are you adding me as a middleman here when you have all of the stuff? It's like when the hotel chains are like, oh, you should buy hotels for unhoused people so that they can spend the night. It's like, you have hotel rooms. Give them the hotel rooms. It's like Coca-Cola is like, how about you recycle? It's like, no, how about you recycle? I am producing very few plastic bottles on my own every single day. Like the companies are gaslighting us into spending

money to ameliorate their crimes. And it's absolutely infuriating. And they can do so much more than we can. There's something about at the very end of the transaction, basically being offered an opportunity to either contribute via a charitable mechanism we have no information about through CVS or feeling guilty for not doing it. You know, they create a little guilt opportunity for you in that moment. And I agree that that's very frustrating. It's like, what are the terms and conditions of this? Yeah. What are the terms and conditions? Huh? How much money are you making? What's your game?

How much money are you giving? I know it's like very basic, but I'm just noticing more and more of it. And it's extremely frustrating. And I wish that it would stop. How much of this goes into the Dwayne's pocket? How much of this goes into Reed's pocket? You know? Exactly. Cause I'm going to check in with them. CV and S who are these people even?

What does C stand for? Doesn't it? Nobody knows. Mr. Walgreens. Why don't you tell me what you're spending your ill-gotten gains on? Yeah, I think I know what CVS stands for. It stands for go fuck yourself. Yes, absolutely.

$9 for gummy bears? Are you kidding me? It's a fucking racket. Thank you, Alex, for joining us. He has a problem with donating to charity, and we understand where that's coming from. No, that's not what he's saying. That's what he is sick of it. He's going to be visited by three ghosts and then he's going to have a new rant.

Yeah. Listen, what's the deal with being haunted for your lack of generosity, huh? What's the deal with being haunted by the spirit of hungry children? Why don't they make the whole plane out of the ghost of Christmas future? No. No. Alex Edelman, everybody. That was great. Thank you so much. No, no. Alex Edelman, everybody. That was great.

Thank you so much. Thanks, bud. She is a stand up and writer on this very podcast. Please welcome Jocelyn Kaufman Jossie in studio. Wow, this is amazing. I feel the energy at this table. This is great. I don't.

I'm really trying to get it there. I do. I do feel the energy. Yeah, of course. It's so nice to see you in person. Thank you. Yeah, same. You've written on the show.

This is your first time being on the show. Yeah. I've been kind of like a voice in the back writing some of your best jokes, I think. Absolutely. If not the best. Some of the most well-known, the most famous punchlines of the monologue. You can say one. Yeah.

I mean, all the iconic lines you love have come from Jossie. Oh, no, you better not. That's kind of my catchphrase for sure. Yeah. In the room too. Uh-oh. I love a uh-oh. I think that it's undersung you know a whoa i like nuff said nuff said oh yeah also you also famously popularized this oh yeah yeah yeah yeah uh this this yeah like and now this i can't even, RN. That was you. Well, I'm kind of moving away from it in 2021.

Yeah, it's been sort of co-opted. Yeah, totally. So, Jossie, what is your rant for our rant-a-thon? I'm here to rant about something that I think could actually really bring us together, and that is James Corden phobia. I think we as a society need to overcome our James Corden phobia. And first, I want to clarify that in no way do I think that James Corden, the man, needs my defense. Correct. Is he rich and powerful? Yes, he's totally rich and powerful. Was his performance in the movie musical Cats like so wretched that even Andrew

Lloyd Webber said he begged for it to be cut? Yes, that's true. That's a true fact. He did not want his scenes in the movie musical. He thought that was the one thing keeping it from ascending to greatness. And is he mean to his wife and kids on planes? Probably. I wasn't there. You weren't there. There's rumors. Yes, these are rumors and I can see that being true. We all deserve to see a movie musical

in theaters without a James Corden jump scare. And we as a society, also I get it, we hate the empowered theater kid. We are an a society, also, I get it. We hate the empowered theater kid. We are an American society, Chad, in a virgin Lin-Manuel Miranda's world. And we don't like it. We really don't like it. Is it his fault that James Corden's agent is just too good at getting him work? Best agent in Hollywood. He's like, that's not his fault. And is it his fault that for some reason he does not want to spend any time at home with his wife and kids?

It's not our problem. It might not be right, but it's not our problem. I don't really care about any of that. What I really care about is that the 2018 movie Peter Rabbit was really, really good. And I can't talk about it with anyone because James Corden was top build and no one saw it other than me and my friend Megan, who also thought it was good. And, okay, I see this is is not very important to anyone but me, but James Corden voices Peter Rabbit in one of the best performances of James Corden's career

because you can't see his face. You can't see his physicality. All you can see is kind of his pithy wittiness animated into a CGI rabbit's body who's very soft. He looks very soft. The hair technology in this movie is great. In live action talent, we're talking Domhnall Gleeson and Rose Byrne,

some of the most charming people. Wow, this is a cast. Acting in Hollywood right now, and they're doing physical comedy unseen since the days of the 50s of Charlie Chaplin and with a CGI rabbit. Domhnall Gleeson showed up to set acting with a tennis ball on a broom and he did a great job there's a scene where he steps on a bunch of

rakes and they all hit him in the face wow that is and it's exactly what I think of when I think it's really funny Rose Byrne is a delight Sia voices a horny hedgehog all these things are true about this movie it's so good and I can't talk to anyone because no one wanted to see it because it's two hours of James Corden talking. And you know when I'll say this, I think this James Corden backlash has gone too far. All right. Yeah. I think people are piling on.

And I think a lot of people don't actually have an opinion about James Corden. No. I think a lot of people have no interest in having an opinion or caring one way or another about James Corden being in or not being in something. I think people chose him as an avatar for their own feelings of inadequacy. I feel like a jock hating on the guy who burst into a song. And no one likes feeling pranked by song and dance like the Cinderella video of him and Camila Cabello singing and dancing in the streets.

No one likes that. No one wants that. And I'll say this about the James Corden, Camila Cabello, Cinderella, which I found out very late in the game was not a Disney property, but based on the original story, which I love. That movie is not very good. No. And it does something that I find speaks to the kind of cultural rot of this era, which is she sings a song about starting a small business, which is if it's a million to one, while never examining the consequences of living in a society when her success at being a dressmaker is a one in a million shot, thereby implying that if she does,

in fact, succeed and becomes a dressmaker in this horrible world, 999,999 others will have to fail so that she can be a million to one. Like the song should be, it shouldn't be a million to one. It should be three to one. It's still very sad. It's a sad world that she's living in. Okay, you're a dressmaker in hell.

Fine, you did it. But the reason I raise it is because James Corden, he's great as that little mouse. You think he's great as the little- I think he's great as the little mouse. That is a hotter take than mine. And I'll tell you something else.

The funniest part of that movie, they got a genuine laugh from me, is a moment when James Gordon turns back from a person into a mouse, but it's not uniform. It's body first. Oh, God.

Oh, my God. And I thought that was fucking hilarious. If you like that, then I think that you will not only like Peter Rabbit. I'm going to love Peter Rabbit because James Gordon is great. He's not bad in Into the Woods. When you like that, then I think that you will not only like Peter Rabbit. I'm going to love Peter Rabbit because James Corden is great.

He's not bad in Into the Woods. When this backlash began, I'm sick of everybody attacking James Corden. And another thing, the Cinderella movie raises a really interesting and scary topic, which is these mice loved being people for a day. Oh, yeah. And they are just as smart when they are mice. Oh, yeah. So in this movie, these intellectually sophisticated human minds

are before and after trapped in mouse bodies. They even have different personalities. They could have rich inner worlds. Absolutely. And now they're trapped back. It's Kafka-esque. Yeah, it is. It's indeed Kafka-esque.

Kafka-esque. Oh, and also one more thing I'd like to say is that Peter Rabbit 2 was my first movie back in theaters after COVID

and it kept the original humor and the spirit and the wit alive so it's on Netflix right now Peter Rabbit 2 The Runaway

go see straight twink Domhnall Gleeson acting his little heart out being beautiful. And James Corden's going to make you laugh with his voice acting. He's doing a very good job.

Hey, remember where you were when you heard this. Because you heard the backlash to the backlash to James Corden where it began on this very episode. I'm starting a movement. Jossie, thank you so much. Thank you for having me. He is a comedian, actor, writer, and producer. Please welcome Roy Wood Jr. Roy, thanks for being here.

Yo, what is up? I'm sorry. This is my angry, I'm tired of shit voice. And honestly, I'm shaken. Like your voice completely changed before we started. Whatever you say goes from here on out. It was both serious. It had gravitas.

It had depth. It had anger, but also disappointment. And I had those emotions coming from a place of sincere, I don't know. You know what the problem is with anger? Anger is misunderstood as an emotion. Anger comes from a place of love. You think? It's love that you don't know how to properly express.

Anger is untherapied love. You think that's why I drove my car into that Ralph's? Because I thought it was just because I hated them. I think that might have been alcohol as well. Right. But that's a different situation well thank you for being here for our rant-a-thon uh i will throw it over to you what are you gonna rant about i need to just take a moment if we're just going to be honest

on just how ungrateful you can i cuss yep i'm I'm going to cuss. Please. You fucking Americans. Let me tell you something. Also, I'm from Alabama, so I can talk shit. You fucking Americans. You clapped for all of these gig economy people in 2020. Then you got the vaccine in you, and a couple buildings started opening up again, and now you're talking shit to them, giving them three stars, bitching because they forgot your sauce. Bitch, I'm on a bike bringing you ramen.

Whatever the fuck I bring you is what you eat. Yeah, you take it. You have to understand that literally 10 years ago, this didn't exist. Really, five, six years ago, this concept of just, hey, stranger, bring hither to me some cheesecake factory. And along the way, stop at a 7-Eleven and get me two Milky Ways. And then you get mad because they accidentally grabbed a Snickers. How dare you? Anybody that is working in service of you does not deserve your shit.

Whatever they put in the bag, that's what God wanted you to have. You have to learn to stop going against the cosmic forces of the world. I ordered Taco Bell one night and they brought me Domino's. Did I give them three stars? No, because I care. I ate that. Two slices was missing, but still I ate that Domino's. That's a tax you have to pay stop giving shit to people

you know oh my uber driver didn't have the peppermints that i like bitches covid five fucking stars every goddamn time five stars every time omicron's out there and this man's letting strangers in his car on a regular basis to take him where they want to go. And you're mad because he didn't put the radio on to the right channel. My New Year's resolution. Five stars and 30 percent tips for everybody. OK, I like that. How do you feel about unsolicited Christian music in a ride share? How do you feel about that?

Not my cup of tea. Depends on the length of the ride. Sometimes I'll fake a phone call. They'll turn the music down. You just got to talk to yourself. You got to know how to passive aggressive these people. I would imagine one way you could do is just say that you're more into the devil and could you please turn that off? That could work. I don't just dislike this. I'm opposite Christian. I think it's evil and I into the devil. And could you please turn that off? Right. That could work. I don't just dislike this. I'm opposite Christian. I think it's evil and I worship the devil. So imagine if I play devil music,

that's what your Christian rock is to me, just so you understand. That's fair. When you play God is love and will protect you, what I hear is something far worse. I hear the devil. I don't know if I'm the person to be given in-car ride share advice. My Uber rating is a 4.3. And i don't know if i'm the person to be given in-car ride share

advice my uber ratings are 4.3 and i don't know how that happened well it's actually it's interesting to think about because your whole vibe has been one of great support for the uber community and it sounds like yet in the actual car there are some challenges i've had two vomit incidents since 2011, and it's hard to bounce back from those vomits. Yeah, they take you down a couple points. You know, one one-star vomit. Look, you vomit, you get one star. Even if you clean it up, it should be two stars.

I gave him $50 on the spot, and then he fucking still snitched and hit me for the $75 cleaning fee. That stinks. Yeah. So, you know, I got a couple vomits on my record, so, you know, I got a couple of vomits on my record. So, you know, one was me. The other was a guest.

I don't want you to think that I'm just the one always doing this. You are a guest here. You are a guest in this car. How dare you? At least I'm not running into a Ralph's. I can see that judgment in your eyes. Listen. Respectfully.

My take on puking is you got to, like of roll down the window and like act like you're just getting some air and do a kind of silent. You got to be a kind of stealth. You got to be like one of those, you know, one of those alien planes that only the 60 Minutes people saw. Like nobody's going to see it. It's just like somebody walking by is like, did I puke out of that window of that car? Nobody knows. It's just me. It's sort of like, am I just yawning? You don't know.

See, if I'm going to puke out a window, I think I'm going to be more proud about it. I think I'm going full Ace Ventura, Heath Ledger, Dark Knight, hair flowing out the backseat of a patrol car. Like a golden retriever that just got rescued, you know? From a puppy mill.

A golden retriever outside for the first time in years. That's your vibe when you're puking. Yeah, yeah. All right. We have one more rant. And I'll just let you all know that I was not told this was happening. This was stealthily planned. Joining us now for our rant-a-thon, it's Hallie

Kiefer, our writer. What's up, Hallie? Good. I do feel like we've been seated a weird distance, like I feel weirdly close to you in these trying times. Well, I just know that what I'm going to say you aren't going to like. You aren't going to care for it at all. So I'm just going to, I have my notes. Okay. John, we've heard before. Oh, I know what this is. We've heard before. I know what this is. Oh, my goodness.

Okay. Let's go. Go, go, go. People have said chocolate chips are overrated. I instead will say they are actively ruining baked goods. Okay? Uh-huh. I will take first the brownie.

For some reason, we've decided all brownies are now filled with dozens of hard wads of chocolate. So when you have one, you think it's going to be a delicious chocolatey pillow. You bite down. It's just a layer of sediment. If you need to jump in, jump in. No. Yo, keep making your point. Your point that chocolate chips are bad. Yes. Again, within the

baked good. If you want to eat a loose bag of chips, that's your business. If you want to stand over the kitchen sink in the dark. Saying chocolate chips are bad, but I only mean in terms of baking is a wild sentence. I'm saying if you want to have an M&M, that has its own context. To put a chip in a baked good, I will move on to cookies. Please do. Cookies are soft and delicious.

I bite down into it, and I find a globule of sugary sweet nothing. It has no flavor. It ruins the baked good itself. What you're talking about is crunchiness? You're talking about just like in crunchies. Chocolates are not crunchy.

You think they're crunchy. You want a cookie that you can kind of gum is basically what you're talking about. I want to be able to sink my teeth all the way through without them finding a hard resistance,

which I find repulsive. It's about the texture, John. That's what I'm saying. And chocolate chips are not crunchy. I'm going to stop you right now. The idea that that's what you're going to offer me, they're not that crunchy. Popcorn, that's crunchy.

And I say you put a little chocolate chip on a popcorn and now we're talking, but that's a different situation. So you don't like chocolate chip cookies? I don't like them. Here's another reason why. Because in order to calibrate for the chip, which is often very sweet

because it's milk chocolate, which is the worst chocolate. Sorry, Brian, I see you having a conniption over there. It is true. The cookie itself has to become so salty that if you get a bite without the right number of chocolate chips,

you're just eating pure salt. I don't feel as though I should expel any of my precious time on this planet the life force i try to bring into this show the the words that i can marshal to say any kind of a defense of the institution beloved institution of the chocolate chip cookie i'm not saying that this is dispositive i'm not even saying that this is logically important but i will say it is worth noting either of those i will say it is worth noting that when you google cookie which why would i do that if i go ahead

because you know you're you know it's late late at night you're a little lonely. Eating your chips out of a bag. Chocolate chip cookie is what comes up when you look for a cookie. It is the example of what a cookie is. It is the avatar for what a cookie is. Why? Not because people hate it, but because it is so beloved and so delicious and such a perfect delivery system for sweet and salty deliciousness that it has become what we think of when we think of cookies. This is a bit like saying, I love ketchup, but nothing that Heinz

makes. Which I'm sure is something that someone could say on the show. Yeah. And they'd be kicked the fuck out of the studio because it's nonsense because ketchup is Heinz. Heinz is ketchup. And I hear. What am I talking about? I could have made a better argument. Sponsored by the Heinz Corporation. And I just want to thank Teresaa hines carry for all that she did in the 2004 effort to elect john carry and i will always remember when she told the story about people standing up at a restaurant in georgetown dc applauding her husband after he lost i think it is very telling that in order to defend the cookie one must go so wide as to cite the history of the world and the country. And what I'm saying is simply a matter of course.

And if you like this, if you like biting into it and finding essentially a rock made of candy inside. But you are describing a joyful experience in a negative way. You have invented something that is an experience no one shares. Listen, we all know how much it sucks to eat chocolate chip cookies. Am I right, ladies? There is at least one lady in the room who agrees with me.

And two, if that's true, if I am speaking into existence an experience of the world that has never been experienced before, then I am even more happy to share it with you that you might know the alternative. I'm just saying. So can I just ask a question? Absolutely. You can ask me any questions you want. I've got more points, but go ahead. I'm just saying. So can I just ask a question? Absolutely. You can ask me any questions you want. I've got more points, but go ahead. I have a question.

I'm going to do this in parts. And I'm not asking. I want you to be honest. All right. This is not to push us in one direction or another, but it is a sincere question. You at least admit here at this table that the chocolate chip cookie, even if it's wrong, even if you're completely right about the fact that it's terrible, which you're not, is the classic first option for cookies, right? Like if someone's going to...

Absolutely. Absolutely. And that's entirely why I want to avoid this rant. And I hear that. And you know that if someone says, hey, do you want a cookie? The most likely cookie they come back with is a chocolate chip. It's the most common cookie you can get basically anywhere. It is the example cookie.

Let's say we live in your version of society. Which some do. And I hope we don't. I really hope we don't because I feel as though you're doing to baking like what the Harkonnen did to Arrakis. You're going to have to give me more context. I haven't seen the movie. And I tried to read the book and then there's swords in it.

And I was like, you're in space. I got to stop you right there can't can't have both the swords or space that's another rant i don't don't mix the point i'm making is if we don't have the chocolate chip cookie anymore what is the normal cookie is it oatmeal raisin is it sugar cookie what is the first cookie that comes out in the cookie in your cookie world what i'm saying is in my fantasy of what the world could be, there is no hierarchy. We don't have to have the number one. We don't have to have the leader of the pack. They're all valuable, except, of course, the chocolate chip cookie. And here's another problem, because Brian is slacking me during this rant.

So my point about milk chocolate chips is that the cookie has to be too salty to balance them. When you have a dark chocolate chip, the cookie is then very sweet. So that every bit, you are now in charge of experiencing it. Hold on a second. Hold on a second. I have more points. Semi-sweet morsels. There are chips designed for the baking of cookies.

Milk chocolate chips are a kind of bastardization of chocolate chips. At least we can agree on that. Semi-sweet Toll House yellow bag, semi-sweet chocolate chips. They are designed. They are produced by the best minds and the best. I don't, we don't know that. Who's doing it in there? I am saying that the bag of chocolate chips

that Tollhouse produces is a product of generations of trial and error, creativity, testing, failure, successful sales, failed sales to reach the ideal chip, the yellow bag, toll house, semi-sweet morsel. And what I'm saying is when we have this expectation, well, if I get a cookie, it's going to be chocolate chip, it actually drives down people's ability to judge a good chocolate chip cookie. Because, oh, what am I going to get?

It's the default. So it does not provide for questioning. Oh, oh, what am I going to get? It's the default. So it does not, it does not provide for questioning. Oh my God. Okay. So. Oh, our producer,

Brian, who, I want to be clear, has declared himself a chocolate expert with his family. That is untrue. Is it chocolate?

No, I am a chocolate expert because I've eaten a ton of it. Oh my God, you have had your time. I am so, you're telling me, you're telling me

that I am not going to have my share of cookies. You are going to regret this because if you ever commit a crime and people are like, I am so entirely sick of what's coming out of your mouth about what I put into mine. You are going to regret this because if you ever committed a crime and people are like, who saw this coming? This is going to be the moment where everyone was like, oh, yeah, there were red flags far in advance. This seems like a little too far for the rant. But I mean, listen, if you're going to threaten my imprisonment because of this. I'm not sending you to jail for this. No, forget it.

If you could, you would. And let's be honest about that. And let's be honest about that. What I'm saying about this is that for you to say that giving people too many chocolate chip cookies makes them unable to judge chocolate chip cookies is actually quite the opposite. They're getting a lot of trial and error. They've got a lot of points in comparison. They could say, oh, I like this cookie. I don't like this cookie.

I like semi-sweet. I like bittersweet. I like dark. I like upwards of 90% chocolate chips, which they do make. Thank you, Ghirardelli. To which I would dark. I like upwards of 90% chocolate chips, which they do make. Thank you, Ghirardelli. To which I would say. What? If you look at the expanse of American cuisine and you say, yes, this is.

Oh, yes, scholar of American cuisine. Oh, yes, with the chocolate chips in the popcorn, which is shards of salty glass that you get for 20 bucks in a bucket from a teenager. I'm going to yield the floor. I think I'm going to go ahead and yield the floor. Just to have two more points real quick. Wow. Yielding the floor. And think I'm going to go ahead and yield the floor. Just to have two more points real quick. Wow.

And just look, in case you can't. Look, I feel like there's probably just like subtle distinctions between. There was a younger, thinner gay voice from New York for a few minutes. They can tell the difference. And now it's back to me. Yeah, no, I think. Any other points, Hallie? Yes, I got two more. One, when I brought this up before, people say, oh, you have it right out of the oven.

To which I say, that's the one time it's a liquid chocolate. That's my point. Yeah, right out of the oven, of course, it's not a hard nodule of chocolate. And then, of course, finally, and maybe Brian's level of anger speaks to what I'm trying to get at. If the last year or two, the last six years has taught us, I think just when something is wildly popular does not make it good. In fact, it might make it bad. And that's it. And that ends my rant about chocolate chips and

cookies. Yeah. And also if I do go to jail, please don't show this to the courts for fear that it will lead to my conviction in whatever crime I'm accused of. And whatever it could be. We don't know what it is. Yeah. She hasn't committed it yet. Not that you know of.

Not that we know of. Yeah. And I just want to say, we all had a lot of fun here today. And I want this to be a place where people can share even opinions that make some people uncomfortable. Because, like, I don't believe in cancel culture. Thank you. I really appreciate that. I think this has to be a place where people can come in and speak their minds, even if

it makes people angry, even if it makes people angry, even it makes people upset, even if it's one of the stupidest fucking things they've ever heard in their whole life. Yes. Even if it is so fucking dumb that it makes you want to tear out your hair when you hear some people may have during this when you can't hear it, when you can't hear it because the point is so fucking stupid and outrageous, designed to elicit a response, so ridiculous as it's hard to find the words to argue against it because it defies every kind of common sense, experience, understanding of the world,

literal human sensation. I want that to be something people feel comfortable doing. And I do, very much so. I mean, this would be the last time I do this, a rant ever, but this was a good time, for sure. And also, they're just too salty.

Chocolate chips in general. Hell of a key for everybody. Get out of here. Get out of here. Don't know the saltier recipe, people. Wow. That was a lot of anger, but also a lot of love. When we come back, it's time for some Dirtbag Resolutions.

Don't go anywhere. This is Love It or Leave It, and there's more on the way. And we're back. Listen, we all know the resolutions we make every year. Eat better. Call your sister. Dig up that body and tell the police so that that family can finally have closure. police so that that family can finally have closure. But we all know you're never going to do that. So instead, this year, we are bringing you our dirtbag resolutions. These are the

resolutions to be comfortable just doing what we want to do. So without further ado, here are this year's dirtirtbag Resolutions. And Hallie Kiefer is here with her Dirtbag Resolution. I just want to say that I am committed to downloading TikTok again. Yes. I deleted it thinking I've got other things going on. It turns out I don't. And every day I open my phone and I go as if to open it.

And then I look at Reels on Instagram and it's just not. No. It's nothing. It's, look, I don't think this is an appropriate analogy but I'll say it anyway uh reels are methadone uh TikTok is the drug nothing offensive about that I'll tell you it's dead on that's the new year's resolution man is to make sure that we take care of the people in the gig economy the food trucks the people that are really out there trying to help keep this country going. And if you're a single data truck driver, they need it. Well, on that note, it's a good note.

That's not a resolution for me. I'm in a relationship. That's a pitch. That's just a pitch. That's just a good idea that you're sharing. Yeah. I share goodwill. Just swing by a truck stop and just, you know, they got a waiting area.

They got little showers in the back you get to i feel like this is turning a little criminalistic i should probably stop roy wood jr thank you so much this is great so good to talk to you thank you all right now jossie what is your dirtbag resolution my dirtbag resolution is i'm going to make no effort to make my instagram explore tab any better. Right now, it only reflects my worst desires. That's tertiary cast members of Bachelor and Bachelorette. So many Timothee Chalamet fan edits that I keep clicking on. I don't like them, but I do keep clicking on them. And so they're sticking around forever. A lot of those therapy 10 post slides that are like, why a crush can be toxic.

I love clicking on those. I'm going to make no effort for it to reflect a more cultured or rich inner world. I love my garbage explore tab as it is. What if it turns out that Timothee Chalamet content is in 90 to 99% of Explore tabs. Raise your hand in this studio if Timothee does not appear in your Explore tab. Wow. Okay. It's not majority.

It might be exactly half. I'm just going to say it. We can cut it if he wants. Milo hesitated. Jossie, thank you so much. It was great. Thank you for having me. Alex, what is your dirtbag resolution? I'm going to play more video games this year

I love that for you I'm fully going to become a gamer I'm going to gentrify the incel space By being a nice Jewish boy with a girlfriend And by the way That's what's going to solve the incel problem Because once a guy like me joins any movement It's over

Like Lil Nas X, Antifa, anything that I, you know, I mean, I can ruin anything by being a part of it. Yeah. You're in Fortnite and somebody calls you a C word and you're like,

I have a C word for you. I care about you. I have a C word for you. Corporate charity. Um, honestly, I just think that like video game, not like Fortnite,

but like the storytelling of video games is fantastic. Yes. I think I have and I started playing like Assassin's Creed a little bit in the pandemic. And I'm like, I have been missing out on storytelling that is as strong as any movie. And with graphics that are vivid, I played Castle Wolfenstein, I got to kill myself a bunch of Nazis, very much enjoyed that. And that should be part of my daily routine. I should get up, ice Nazis for like 25 minutes, and then immediately go back to whatever I was doing

the night before. I love that plan. I'm going to play more video games. I'm going to get more invested in video game storytelling. And I want to find the small little independent video games that like some guy in Toronto slaved over for, you know, six years. And it's his labor of love. I'm happy to give him a buck for it on the iPhone store. Like, I really want to get more into gaming. Yes.

Love that resolution. Alex Edelman, everybody. Thank you so much for joining us. Thanks, guys. Shalima, what is your dirtbag resolution? I am going to start saying the stuff that I say behind your back to your face. Nice. Again, tomorrow isn't promised. And you need to know. Say those things. Everybody should. Tomorrow is not promised. So eat those Vienna fingers. And you know, tell people what

you think of them. You know? Yeah. Shalewa Sharp, thank you so much. This is great. Thanks for having me. Pallavi, what is your dirtbag resolution? I used to read a lot when I was a kid. And then I started reading like textbooks. And then I just stopped reading. I'm trying to read again, but in a way that I don't learn. You know what I mean? Like in a selfish way where I'm just having fun.

It's as effective as television, but it's probably something I can talk about with people less. I just want to do selfish things for me in that way. I love that. Selfish reading. Selfish reading. Selfish reading. Let's rebrand reading into like a himbo thing. I saw an ad on social media that treated eye drops as self-care. Like, take a moment for you and put in some eye drops.

And I was like, we have lost. We have lost. I think anything that moisturizes you is considered self-care. Like, even if you're just drinking, it was like face masks. It was like, you know, skin care. Now it's like, have a glass of water as a treat. That's what capitalism is offering us today. And I for one love it. Now for a word from our sponsors. All right. Paula, that was great. Thank you. Thank you so much. All right, Marcy, what is your

dirtbag resolution? Okay, my dirtbag resolution is to feel really good about procrastinating and being lazy. To take it as a sign that psychologically or physically, I need to just chill out. Because my procrastination, it gets worse and worse and worse. If I don't do it on Monday and it's due on Friday, it'll just keep happening. So I'm just going to embrace it and say, hey, trust that the other part of your brain that you aren't in control of is working this out for you. I love that resolution.

I think that's great advice. I have the same issue. I am a, I'm actually, as we are doing this, I am also procrastinating. I'm actually, Ari are doing this, I am also procrastinating. I'm actually Ari was actually in that meeting. I am in the midst of a very serious four day long now procrastination. I went to a meeting this morning with someone who expected something for me on Sunday. It is Wednesday. And I sent a message two minutes before the beginning of that meeting

saying, I'm sorry, because I knew I had to make eye contact with them in the meeting. saying, I'm sorry, because I knew I had to make eye contact with them in the meeting. Look, I can't deal with this uncomfortableness at the top. I'm just going to put it. My fingers are handling it right now. I can't do it. Do you know it's better to be late and do it well than to be rushed and on time and the thing be a piece of crap. So like, look, what are deadlines? What are they? They give you a deadline and then they don't even like need it for three weeks. In the film, The Arrival, they had a whole different relationship. Thank you for bringing this up. Here's what I always say.

Oh, is this late? Not if you're a septapod. Circle, splatter, circle. I'm going to tell you in the future that you didn't need this today. Uh-huh. Oh, did you guys know that we're all going to die? So chill out.

Marci Jaro, thank you so much for joining us. So nice to meet you. Thanks for being here. Thanks for having me. This was fun. This was really fun.

Thank you. And that's our show. Thank you to Alex Edelman, Marci Jaro, Roy Wood Jr., Poulavi Gunalan, Jocelyn Kaufman, Shalewa Sharp, Elijah Cohn, and Hallie Kiefer. We will be back in your Love It or Leave It feeds on January 15th when we return live.

And a happy Cooversary to those who celebrate. Love It or Leave It is a Crooked Media production. It is written and produced by me, John Lovett, and Lee Eisenberg. Kendra James is our senior producer. Hallie Kiefer is our head writer. Jocelyn Kaufman, Pallavi Gunalan, and Peter Miller are the writers. Our associate producer is Brian Semel. Bill Lance is our editor. And Kyle Seglin is our sound engineer.

Our theme song is written and performed by Sure Sure. Thanks to our designers, Jesse McClain and Marissa Meyer, for creating and running all of our visuals, which you can't see because this is a podcast. And to our digital producers, Nara Melkonian and Milo Kim, Mia Kelman and Matt DeGroote, for filming and editing video each week so you can.