Lovett or Leave It - New Year, New UTI

Episode Date: January 13, 2024

Lovett or Leave It is here to keep you warm on these long, cold January nights with a brand-new episode, live from The Lodge Room in Los Angeles. Bianca del Rio roasts the salty and the sweet, while Brian Bahe and Madison Shepard keep things balmy with a heated debate. Zach Zucker takes the temperature on our most blistering bozos, and Lovett and his guests huddle around a scorching new round of Hot Takes that’ll keep you toasty all winter long. For a closed-captioned version of this episode, click here. For a transcript of this episode, please email [e-mail] and include the name of the podcast.

What's up, everybody? Welcome to Love It or Leave It. It's our first show of the year, and you know what that means. Time to face the yawning, terrifying maw of possibility that is 2024. Yep, we have a great show for you. America's sweetheart, Bianca Del Rio is here. To praise the despicable and drag the delightful, Brian Bahi and Madison Shepard shall civilly debate

the most contentious issues modernity has ever wrought. And Zach Zucker shall turn his discerning eye to the circus tent and decide once and for all which clowns whose noses he'd like to boop and hunk. And hot takes for these cold winter nights. But first, let's get into it. What a week. In New Hampshire, Biden challenger Dean Phillips threw a government repair truck coffee conversations event. Government repair truck coffee conversations. Do you understand? He's like, you know, like when you call a repair truck, he's the government repair truck. It took me seven reads to understand that. But that's what it is. So his campaign, he's good because it's like, you got to call the repair truck, the government repair truck. Anyway, I was at his government repair truck to meet with voters, but not a single voter came. I know it is sad. It is sad.

Said Phillips, sometimes if you build it, they don't come. But I wouldn't make this into a field of dreams thing if I were Phillips. The ghosts of dead baseball players? That's Biden's core constituency. Shoeless Joe Jackson considered Biden a mentor. Shoeless Joe Jackson. Something about, hi back there. Something about the white socks, like a corrupt game. Does anyone know what I'm talking about? Right? That's vaguely what it was. I don't know details. Speaking of pity parties,

a super PAC affiliated with RFK Jr. announced a star-studded birthday fundraiser for the anti-vax maniac, set to include Dionne Warwick, Martin Sheen, and Mike Tyson, as well as a performance by the internationally renowned tenor, Andrea Bocelli. Wait, I'm sorry, that's who RSVP'd to appear in my next sex nightmare. Dionne Warwick caught a stray on that one, to be honest. There was one problem with this list of attendees. All of these people denied that they planned to attend the fundraiser. Said a spokesperson for Andrea Bocelli, Conte non partiero. That is for no one. Was that for anyone? That was for that person. It did not work in the room. Wait, weren't we supposed to have a sound effect? You don't have it? God damn it.

Do you have a sound effect? You don't have it? God damn it. Do you have the guitar thing? I mean, yeah. Do you want the guitar thing? Yeah. Con... Conte non partiero. No. Conte non partiero.

That's the awooga from an upcoming bit. They've now been spoiled for the awooga. Then Bradley Whitford put out a statement on behalf of Martin Sheen because he was the president saying that Sheen doesn't support RFK Jr. I would say this to all of us. It's a lesson.

Live your life so that if people decide not to attend your birthday party, they don't announce it. They just don't show up. If your birthday party is so toxic, people are publicly announcing they're not going to come, you've made a mistake. On Wednesday, friend of the show Chris Christie announced that he will suspend his presidential campaign just days before the Iowa caucuses.

I would rather lose by telling the truth than lie in order to win. And I feel no differently today because this is a fight for the soul of our party and the soul of our country. The soul of the country, sure, but the fight for the soul of your party is over. The soul of your party is in a barrel in Lake Mead. Christie continued to insist that Trump was unfit for office. Imagine just for a moment if 9-11 had happened with Donald Trump behind the desk. The first thing he would have done was run to the bunker to protect himself. He would have put himself first before this country.

And that's why I'm calling him Donald Duck. Chrissy also expressed his regret for endorsing Trump in 2016, saying this. For all the people who have been in this race, who have put their own personal ambition ahead of what's right, they will ultimately have to answer the same questions that I had to answer after my decision in 2016.

Those questions don't ever leave. In fact, they're really stubborn. They stay. I like that Christie's role in this race basically became ghost with unpopular warning who's haunting the debate stage. No one's voting for the ghost, of course, but it was fun to watch him kind of float around.

Christie was also caught in quotes on a hot mic. You know. And she's going to get smoked. And you and I both know it. She's not up to this. Yeah. Anyway, I love a bitchy exit. It's the Santos goodbye.

Two weeks out from the New Hampshire primary, Nikki Haley is pulling a strong second to Donald Trump, pulling in 32% of potential Republican primary voters to Trump's 39%. If you're wondering about Ron DeSantis, I hate to be the one to tell you this, but no person with that name has ever existed. At Wednesday's Republican debate,

Nikki Haley repeatedly came for DeSantis over campaign mismanagement. Leadership is about getting things done. Stop making excuses. Make it happen. If leadership's about getting things done, how did you blow through $150 million in your campaign and you were down in the polls?

You are not a manager. Awesome. Awesome. Just... Oh, they touched. They touched like... That's like when Tim Cook and Bono touch fingers. Does anybody remember when Bono and Tim Cook touch fingers? It's seared in my memory.

Do you remember there was a, one of the, you know, interchangeable internet social websites, your vultures or your cuts or your whatever, your slates, had that section that was about a thing seared in your memory that you repeat over and over again

that no one else remembers. For me, it was Tim Cook and Bono touching fingers. That year where Bono non-consensually gave us music. And then they all had to be like, we're really sorry. We downloaded a U2 album

to everybody's phone. Do you remember that? Yeah, thanks. When they weren't taking swipes at each other, both Haley and DeSantis criticized Trump with Haley saying this about the insurrection. That election, Trump lost it. Biden won that election. I think what happened on January 6th was a terrible day and I think President Trump will have to answer for it. So just a clarification. Every debate Trump misses, Haley gets a little bolder, like a raccoon that's figured out the garage light is automatic. Meanwhile, Donald Trump sat down with Fox News for another town hall scheduled against the debate,

where he again patted himself on the back for overturning Roe v. Wade. Because for 54 years, they were trying to get Roe v. Wade terminated, and I did it. And I'm proud to have done it. Absolutely. If Democrats get half as good at Trump as staying on Democrats' message, we've got this thing. Speaking of, in a bid to derail the Georgia election interference case against the former president, one of Trump's co-defendants alleged in a Monday court filing that Fulton County District Attorney Fannie Willis was in a romantic relationship with the prosecutor she'd appointed to oversee the case

and had financially benefited from his appointment. Oh, like prosecuting Donald Trump wouldn't make you desperately horny for literally the first person you happen to see? Wouldn't it make you desperately horny for literally the first person you happen to see? The co-defendant's lawyers allege that Willis had bypassed normal procedures to appoint the prosecutor Nathan Wade, and that he used his high pay to take Willis on vacations in Napa, Florida, and the Caribbean. Or at least that's what I would have done, yelled Trump in contempt of court. Look, if this is true, sure, yikes, but also good for her. She deserves to be happy, but I hope she's not.

Speaking of Georgia, on Monday, Donald Trump filed three motions in an attempt to dismiss Georgia's federal racketeering charges against him, citing presidential immunity, double jeopardy, and due process protections. In the due process motion, Trump's lawyers allege the charge violates the former president's First Amendment rights, claiming President Trump did not have fair warning that his alleged conduct, pure political speech, and expressive conduct challenging an election could be criminalized.

Fair warning from who? His dozens of rotating, insane lawyers? Between knocking over garbage cans to seal diapers and eating fistfuls of bees from beehives? Surely one of them mentioned he could catch a charge. Ask Judge Florence Pan, could a president order SEAL Team 6 to assassinate a political rival? That's an official act, an order to SEAL Team 6? Wait, wait, slow down, said Trump, scribbling something on a legal pad. SEAL Team 6, and they'll

do that. I can't believe the society that we live in where the former president's lawyers are in court saying that the president basically can do anything he wants. And it's not illegal unless he's impeached and convicted by the Senate. But also, once you leave office, you can't be impeached and convicted by the Senate. leave office, you can't be impeached and convicted by the Senate, which means as long as you wait till your last week of being president, you can do anything you want. You could do coke while murdering Malala, like literally fucking anything. What? I don't, I think that's bad. The point is it's bad. Meanwhile, in Trump's civil fraud trial in New York, Judge Arthur Engeron initially okayed Trump's request to give part of his own closing remarks. At this point, Engeron is treating Trump like a high school boyfriend you know you shouldn't

talk to anymore. You keep wanting to give him chances, but he's just going to call you for your staffers to be beheaded on Fox News again. Engeron told the former president's lawyers Trump could deliver his own closing statement if he agreed not to comment on irrelevant matters. In particular, and without limitation, he may not deliver a campaign speech, and he may not impugn the judge, his staff, the plaintiff, the plaintiff staff, or the New York state court system. Needless to say, Trump's lawyers did not agree to his parameters. Don't hand Barbara Streisand a microphone and tell her not to sing. Back in Washington, Hunter Biden unexpectedly showed up at a Wednesday House Oversight Committee

hearing where Republicans kicked off the process of holding him in contempt of Congress for defying a subpoena to testify behind closed doors. Said Hunter, wait a minute, this isn't the secret heterosexon at Equinox? Sorry, something's wrong with my phone's GPS. I think it's all the porn malware. All right. During the hearing, Florida Congressman Jared Moskowitz held up a huge poster of Donald Trump with Jeffrey Epstein.

Remind my colleagues, because, you know, I don't want them to forget about hypocrisy. Okay? I don't want them to forget about hypocrisy. I just hope he asks for permission. Matt Gaetz's office walls must be looking pretty bare right now. Hunter left the hearing once Marjorie Taylor Greene took the mic

in case she was about to whip out nude photos of him, and she did. Showing proof of man act violations. You really got to feel for whatever copy store she makes. Print these out for her. We're putting the kink in kinkos. Congressman Jamie Raskin subsequently questioned whether pornography was allowed to be shown in the committee room leading to this exchange.

Is pornography allowed to be, are pornographic photos allowed to be displayed in this committee room, Mr. Chairman? It's not pornography. Okay, you're the expert. I wrote to you. There are certain phrases Marjorie Taylor Greene only ever hears sarcastically.

You're the expert. Great idea. Oh, good, you're here. Hi, Mom. Meanwhile, Lauren Boebert, remember her, was accused of punching her ex-husband in the face at a minor's claim, a restaurant in Colorado. By the way, did she exclusively go to a restaurant with like dumb right-wing themes? Like wasn't her restaurant like a gun-themed place

and now she's at like minor's claim? What's wrong with the fucking chilies, you know? Lauren Boebert's ex-husband told reporters, forget that Miner's Claim, my penis wasn't even

at that bowling alley. Very specific. He had a charge about exposing himself to some kids at a bowling alley. Anybody remember that? People out of,

you remember that? The congresswoman issued a statement on Sunday denying the charge, saying she didn't punch Jason with a Y in the face. And no one was arrested. She said, I will be consulting with my lawyer about the false claims he made against me and evaluating all of my legal options. She also said, trust me, if I punched him in the face, he'd be dead.

I've developed incredible arm strength through a workout routine I call beetle juicing. On December 22nd, Secretary of Defense Lloyd Austin had prostate surgery, which his doctor said was minimally invasive and uneventful. If someone has spoken around on my prostate, I'm going for eventful, but different strokes for different folks. Anyway, this would ideally be the end of the story,

or no story at all. And we could do a bunch of jokes about the defense secretary's lack of an exit strategy, and then we could go home. But no. On January 1st, Austin went to the hospital with a urinary tract infection causing severe abdominal, leg, and hip pain.

And on January 2nd, doctors sent him to intensive care. But inexplicably, officials did not notify Congress or even the White House of his hospitalization until Friday, January 4th. Austin did post about it on his close friend's story on Instagram, but that was how Biden found out he wasn't in Austin's close friends, and the situation deteriorated from there. Here's my solemn promise to you.

If I'm ever hospitalized for a UTI, all of you will know about it immediately. In fact, you will never hear the end of it. Deputy Secretary of Defense Kathleen Hicks took over some of Austin's duties, but also did not know Austin was hospitalized until January 4th. There you are, a 70-year-old retired four-star general, decorated veteran, first black person to serve as Secretary of Defense and Commander of Central Command, lying on the couch, your asshole and peehole on fucking fire, drafting an apology because your plan to not tell the whole world you were having prostate surgery went full strides in effect on you. And now there are going to be hearings in Congress called Lloyd Austin's asshole. What did the president know? And when did he know it? I think that sucks. I think you should just get a pass.

Everyone's to just agree. He gets one pass like, whoops, should have told us we get it. We're moving on. You want to call the president when you're having your prostate dealt with? I don't think so You want to tell Joe Biden about that? I'm sure he's sensitive, but it's a little weird He's not good about talking about that kind of stuff

Starting today, for the first time in the city's 170 year long history St. Paul's City Council will be all women Putting them amongst the largest cities to ever elect An all-female legislative body And they look good doing it, am I right? the largest cities to ever elect an all-female legislative body. And they look good doing it, am I right? Hate to watch them leave, but love to see their emotions carry. If I said I was skeptical about this legislative body, you'd think they'd hold it against me?

Awoooga. In more than a dozen states, Republican governors are refusing to accept federal funds to provide food for hungry children over the summer. Iowa Governor Kim Reynolds explained, an EBT card does nothing to promote nutrition at a time when childhood obesity has become an epidemic. Reynolds is just trying to deliver on her campaign promise for the state to have hotter children. This week, New York Mayor Eric Adams claimed a story from his own 2009 autobiography, Don't Let It Happen, is false. Specifically, the story about how he fired a handgun

at some of his friends at school. But all the weird sex stuff is true, Adam continued. First, Adams claimed the incident never happened, even though the book opens with the sentence, all of the incidents in this book are true. Then Adams tried to suggest the book never got into print, even though the reporter had a copy, which is incredible.

Adams also tried to blame a co-author, even though no co-author is credited. Oh, no, a g-g-g-g-g-g-ghost author. Later, a spokesperson for Adams told the online news outlet Hellgate that Adams has asked the publisher to stop selling the book. You can probably guess where this is going.

The book is self-published. Said former New York City mayor Bill de Blasio. Hilarious. Thanks to this guy, but no one even remembers that time I dropped a groundhog and it died. Ah, shit. Fuck.

Don't print that. Yep, that's him dying. It happened. It happened. This week, a man in England was sentenced for fraud after claiming an antler walking stick he was selling belonged to Queen Elizabeth II. The queen's real walking stick, of course, was made of corgi bones. The man's story started to unravel when eagle-eyed observers noted that Queen Elizabeth II doesn't even have antlers. Corgi bones. Corgi bones. An Orlando man has filed a suit against an area Dunkin' Donuts

after a toilet exploded on him, causing severe and long-term injuries. All of us here at Love It or Leave It wish Ben Affleck a full and speedy recovery. I feel bad for the man, but think about what that toilet's been through. A Florida Dunkin' Donuts? That toilet did what it had to do. The man is suing for $100,000, claiming the incident caused psychological injury and left him in need of mental health care and counseling. Post-toilet stress disorder is real, and it's nothing to laugh about. Every firework that goes off, your brain thinks it's a toilet. Said Ron DeSantis, at least none of that shit that exploded onto that man came from a trans person.

Why don't people like me? Meanwhile, an Alabama man was arrested after crashing his car outside of a Bass Pro Shop, getting completely naked and doing a cannonball into the large aquarium inside the store.

Do you think? I love it. He's still in there. There he is. There he is. He's naked. Fantastic. He was then taken to a special prison

for the most hilarious people in the world. This just in, he's pulling 4% above Nikki Haley. Bass Pro, good selection of sporting and outdoor gear. Bass Con, naked guy in the aquarium. Unsealed court documents related to Jeffrey Epstein

were made public recently, including the names of more than 150 people mentioned in legal proceedings involving the dead financier. Naturally, in the run-up to the release, former NFL star Aaron Rodgers said out loud during an interview on ESPN, there's a lot of people, including Jimmy Kimmel, who's really hoping that it doesn't come out. In response, Kimmel replied to Rodgers in his monologue Tuesday. Because the truth still matters. And when I do get something wrong, which happens on rare

occasions, you know what I do? I apologize for it, which is what Aaron Rodgers should do, which is what a decent person would do. But I bet he won't. If he does, you know what I'll do? I'll accept his apology and move on. But he probably won't do that. My guess is he won't apologize. I hope I'm wrong. He said either he actually believes my name was going to be on Epstein's list, which is insane, or the more likely scenario is he doesn't actually believe that. He just said it because he's mad at me for making fun of his top knot and his lies about being vaccinated. Rogers eventually responded to Kimmel's demand saying, I'm not stupid enough, even though you think I'm an idiot and you've made a lot of comments about my intelligence, but I'm not stupid enough to accuse you of that with absolutely zero evidence, concrete evidence, that's ridiculous, which it should be noted is not in and of itself

an apology. I really want to note the adding of the word concrete, right? Which is his way of knowing he's supposed to backtrack because obviously he said something that he can be sued over because Kimmel says in his statement, keep this up and I'll sue you. It's weird for Aaron Rodgers to be so self-righteous when he did 9-11 because he's gay. Back in December, Wired reported that Mark Zuckerberg is building a huge underground bunker

at his compound in Hawaii. But I think he ought to spend a little less time bunkering and a little more time debunkering because of all the Facebook misinformation. Hold on, let me check which writer is to blame. And it's Sarah Lazarus. Sarah Lazarus. Really taking the Joe Coy cue here.

We're just going to start blaming writers by name. And before we go, there was a lot of gay news over the last few weeks that we missed while we were off. For example, this month, French President Emmanuel Macron named 34-year-old Gabriel Attal Prime Minister, begging him the youngest and first openly gay person to serve in the role. Though I think being gay in France only registers as a duh on the Kinsey scale.

In the lead-up to Christmas, leaked videos of a Democratic Senate staffer having sex with another man in the Senate Judiciary Committee hearing room sent the internet into a frenzy. Here I was, having sex in the janitor's closet in the Senate like an idiot. And I was the only person there. I think they should call the Senate Judiciary Committee seeing room, because I'm seeing room for one more. Terrible. Committee seeing room, because I'm seeing room for one more. Terrible. The twink who worked for Democratic Senator Ben Cardin said in his statement, this has been a difficult time for me

as I've been attacked for who I love to pursue a political agenda. While some of my actions in the past have shown poor judgment, I love my job and I would never disrespect my workplace. This raises the terrifying question, what would this man consider disrespecting his workplace? Cardin's office later released a statement saying the staffer is no longer employed by the U.S. Senate, not full-time at least. I hear he's doing some freelance work for Lindsey Graham. And finally, the New York Times reported this week

on Welsh tidy mouse, a mouse caught on video, cleaning up a backyard shed in Wales, putting pieces of trash into a box every night. Completely adorable. So if you notice your Welsh husband is finally helping around the house, ask him if you can look under his hat. I'm just awed by it, really, said shed owner Rodney Holbrook, a retired postal worker and wildlife photographer. Rodney, if you're listening, get it together.

If your shed seems less dirty after a mouse infestation, your life is a shambles. Since October, the house has tidied every single day except one. On that day, the shed owner asked the mouse, why did you abandon me? The mouse smiled patiently and replied, don't you see? When there were no paw prints in the shed, that was when I was giving birth inside your mattress. All right. We come back. Bianca Del Rio is here. Hey, don't go anywhere.

There's more of Love It or Leave It coming up. And we're back. Please welcome to the stage. She's got a wicked tongue, and I hear she's kind of mean too. Put your hands together for the incredible Bianca Del Rio. Hi, thank you for being here. How are ya? Oh, this is wild. When you told me it was sold out, you consider 90 people sold out.

Yeah, I do. Yeah, yeah. You do you, honey. You do you. How are you? Here's the thing. Talk to me. You set up the number of chairs for the number of tickets that you sell. I don't know why more people don't do that. Really? Well, that would make things always sold out, right? Any place you went. But this is not bad. I didn't do any research before I

came here, so I have no idea what I'm walking into. But as a gay who uses Grindr, it's typical. And I'm excited! Look at all the faggots. Yeah, ass up. It is... How many people here are gay, though? I'm curious. Okay, the gays. You don't even look gay. That's crazy.

Not you, the faggot in front of you. You don't look gay at all. This is, like, totally corporate gay. Are you, like, a corporate gay? Yes of you. You don't look gay at all. This is like totally corporate gay. Are you like a corporate gay? Yes, you. Yeah, do you have money? You must have money. You don't spend money on shampoo.

Look at you, you bald bitch. I'm sorry, you can't say bald. You have to say follically challenged individual. That's the labels. How are you, Mr. Lovett? Listen, I'm great. This is so fun to have you. It's good to see you, yeah.

I figured I would just hang back. As you should. So, you're on tour. Yeah. I'm about to start touring, actually. And your tour is called Dead Inside. Dead Inside, yes. And that's just something you say to kind of hide the vulnerability that must be inside, right?

No, not at all. It just explains my face. I mean, I look like a corpse. So, I just say Dead Inside because it's basically the best way to package who I am. You know, because now drag is exploding and everybody's a fucking drag. Drag queens are falling out of the fucking trees at this point.

Truly, everywhere you fucking look is some fucking faggot in a wig saying, drag saved my life. And you go, fuck you! If you're faced with the option between drag and suicide, pick suicide and hang in there! Look at the straight people. Hee hee hee.

But yeah, no, so dead inside is just the term that I use to, or title that I chose, because I wanted to call it salty bitch, and we couldn't use that because it said bitch you can't have in the title, because it wouldn't work on Instagram or any publicity moments, so that's why we went

with Dead Inside. I have a list of hateful shit. Yeah. But you have a tender artist soul in there. Yeah, it depends on the day. How much money you got? You know what I mean?

Like, I can be nice when I need to. But the point is when you have an audience, the last thing I want to do is be nice, you know? And that's what people want. Because now we're in a world,

you know, where everybody's so PC or everybody thinks that certain people are really, really funny because they're pretty. Matt Rife. That it's that type of... And let's be real.

Let's be real. She ain't pretty. If you look at her head on, she looks like fucking Angela Lansbury. Tell me I'm wrong! And in a good, dark light, Paul McCartney,

who now looks like Angela Lansbury, but nonetheless... Honestly, as far as I'm concerned, you're talking about three hot people. Are you getting a boner? Yeah, why not? I actually want to ask you about this. Talk to me.

Because I have, like, on the one hand, I feel like there's this whole kind of like, there's all these like, you know, your kind of chapelles and your gervaises that are sort of like, oh, you can't say anything anymore, and then they say what they want to say. And they seems like they can say it. And they,

you know, they're, they sort of like anti-trans and they kind of build an anti-woke thing. And then on the other hand, like I've seen you, uh, kind of get confronted by people who say you're offensive. Yes.

Right. And you think audiences are too sensitive. No, I think that's just my face. You got to read the comments thoroughly. I think offensive, like what the fuck? There's three of you faggots

over there. You can't make this shit fucking work? It's for 90, I know it's not Carnegie Hall. Excuse me, it's three people, one faggot. Oh, okay. Which one's the faggot? Oh, I should've known. Should've known with those snatched brows, Miss Thing, yes!

If a big wind came in, your ass would be whistling Dixie. No, I... It's a shitty tune. I, um... No, I don't... I'm not one of those that complain about the people, you know? Because I think that if you're trying to be mainstream, which I think is a lot of people's problems,

because you're not going to appeal to everybody. Some people go, I don't like it, I'm not interested, or they can look at you and say, you're not my cup of tea. So my thing is that quit trying to appeal to the masses. If you fucking funny, people will gravitate to you. And that's your fucking audience. Entertain those people instead of trying to make everybody likable. You know what I mean?

Yeah. And you're talking, I mean, you're talking about Gervais, who is brilliant. And, you know, so is Chappelle in their own way. But they say shit on occasion. But there are also millionaires who are out of fucking touch, so who the fuck cares? They're still gonna catch their money. It doesn't, you know what I mean? It doesn't matter. So they live in their lives.

Yeah, but it's the reason I want to ask you about it because it's like, I feel like you are somebody that takes pride in like, I'm gonna say whatever I want. Sure. But, obviously you're not going around doing, you know, anti-trans material. Oh, no, no, no. That's different. That's different because trans are my people. You know what I mean? Some of my best friends are trans. So that's a different ball of wax. But also they have the best sense of humor. I think it depends on where you come from and what you're about. You know what I mean? They always say talk about what you know. So as a gay, I can talk about the spectrum of people that I'm dealing with, You know, and that's what it is. It's like when you're dealing with like the LG, I got to say this right,

the LGBTQ plus A something, girl, I can't, I can't. No, seriously. It's too many fucking letters. Even Vanna White goes, what? I can't fucking figure this out. But it's too many letters. It's like LGBTQ, E-I-E-I-O, yeah,

Farmer in the Dell. But I get concerned about it because all of that is in the news and it's just a hot topic for these millionaires to discuss it. You know what I mean? I don't think they fucking care. They're just talking shit.

It's selling. Netflix is liking it. You know what I mean? And it's not a question of it's not funny. It's just not funny to me, which is how I consider comedy. You can't say, you can't say that because I don't like it.

Well, that's you. And often I get people that say, I'm offended. And I said, you know can't say that because I don't like it. Well, that's you. And often I get people that say I'm offended and I say, you know what happens to people that are offended? They die. They just die.

No, shoot. They die. They just drop fucking dead. They fucking die. Sooner or later, they die. They die. Right on the spot sometime.

Google me. They die. They die. They die. They die. So you can't worry about that. They die. They die. They die. They die. So you can't worry about that shit. No. You know?

Yeah. You can't. Do people, do you have people, like, that are, like, still, you know, walking out, getting mad? Oh, they never walk out. No, I mean, that I can see. That I can see. Like, in the game. Now, there was times before I was doing bigger venues.

Like, when I was in a club, oh, that happened all the fucking time. You know, sometimes it'd be two people, sometimes it'd be ten people. And then, you know, you're there every week doing the same gig on Monday night at 1 a.m. And some of the people are assholes and you start reading them and they're like, Bianca, we're your friends and we were here last week. And you realize, yeah, but it still works. You're still a cunt. But all of that was just kind of the packaging for it. So they would walk out.

But overall now, I mean, have you ever walked out of a show? I've never walked out of a show because I think even if it's a bad show, I then have a great story to tell later.

Do you know what I mean? I've walked out of one show in my whole life. What show? It was Ray Fiennes doing a three-hour Henrik Ibsen play in London.

Okay, first of all, start three hours. Three hours. That's why I was like, life is too short and I am not smart or cultured or pretentious enough to sit through this fucking thing.

At the intermission, I developed a saying. At the time, I remember they were saying that no one is watching. In other words, we can leave and no one's going to get in trouble.

You can walk out. We can just walk out. You can walk. It's your money. You can walk out. We can just walk out. You can walk. It's your money. Walk on out. You can get out. Life is short. Three hours.

Oh, you know what? It might not have been. It was called Brand. It was a three-hour introspective adaptation of a play about a man struggling with his Christian faith. I don't know. What the fuck? How did we get suckered into thinking that was going to be a good-

What the fuck made you think, suckered into thinking that was gonna be what the fuck made you think I need a ticket to that I don't know maybe as a faggot

I'm upset with you I think maybe because I had recently seen the English patient oh okay so you were on that kick

yeah I get it I get it no I couldn't imagine sitting anywhere for three hours besides the DMV post office

or the airport that's where I mean that's a fucking show how many people sit at the fucking airport? I do it all the time. I sit at the airport and watch them walk past me and I go, where the fuck is she going? She should have checked that bag.

It's going to be a problem. Yeah. He bought that hooker, didn't he? Yeah. You know how it is. I know how it is. Yeah. Now, have you ever bought a hooker?

I haven't had the occasion. You've never bought a hooker. Have you ever like paid for sex? No haven't had the occasion You've never bought a hooker Have you ever like Paid for sex? No I would pay To not have sex A lot of the time What is wrong with you?

This show is very This show is Has a philosophy Of being body positive And sex negative Okay listen I haven't done any Fucking research

And I don't want to hear Your fucking spiel Because I feel like I'm listening to Ralph Fiennes For three fucking hours So let's What have you ever played What is all this?

I'm not trying to touch you What is this going on? I'm just sitting I'm just sitting I didn't think you were It's... What is all this? I'm not trying to touch you. What is this going on? I'm just sitting. I'm just sitting. I didn't think you were. It's like you're all of a sudden thinking, I'm 13 and Bianca's a priest. You're safe, bitch. Even if I was a pedophile, I still have preferences and taste, god damn it. I'm offended

as you should be as you should be it's time for a game we're calling meaner girls here's how it works I'm gonna give you a genuinely nice topic

I was about to say did your water break but that was just a bottle. Was that a bottle in your snatch? Can you put a bottle in your snatch? I knew a girl that could do that. Anyway, sorry, back to you. I'm going to give you a nice topic.

Okay. You'll have to tear it to pieces. Okay. But in the interest of creating balance in the universe, I'll also need you to say something sweet about a genuinely nasty piece of work. Oh, fuck off. All right.

Okay, so I've got to say something mean about something nice and something nice about something so... Yes, here's a nice thing to be nasty about. Am I looking here or am I looking behind me? Both are the same. I was told not to look behind me. Yeah, you can look right there. I've been to prison.

Don't look behind you. Actually, when I went to prison, when I dropped the soap, I dropped powdered soap because it took longer to pick up. Okay, let's do it. Look at the straight people. Ah!

Fuck you. You're the one watching a drag queen tonight. Hit it. Let's go. Meryl Streep and Martin Short are reportedly dating. I've got to say something nice?

No, you have to say something nasty. Oh, something nasty. Oh, oh! It's hard to say something nasty about Meryl Streep. But fu-

Ooh. Ah! Okay. Oh, it's hard to say something nasty about Meryl Streep. That's the challenge. But fu- No, it's hard. Wow. So tough when you're making fun of fucking nobodies. No. Now it's time to make fun of Meryl Streep, and you pull up up like, Bianca Del Rio can't do it. You met your match.

You're afraid to talk the great Meryl Streep of Pasadena Can't do it I'm gonna say one thing She-Devil wasn't good Alright listen She-Devil Was it my favorite? Did you like it?

I feel like that was a kind of An important It's a terrible film Yes But it's also It's a gay text You know Cause like Roseanne

You know the movie? No they don't know the movie No they don't See that's how old we are But I remember She-Devil You remember She-Devil Yes exactly like Roseanne. You know the movie? No, they don't know the movie. No, they don't. See, that's how old we are. But I remember She-Devil. You remember She-Devil. Yes, exactly. When Roseanne was actually fucking normal.

And the guy with the electric cars. Yes. Different times. Different times. Okay, back to this. Okay. They're dating? Maybe.

Probably not. No, wait a minute. Okay, all right. It's gossip. I've got to say something nasty. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. All right. I got.

I. I. Ah. Okay. Because he used to do that character Glick, right? Jimmy Glick. Jimmy Glick. Okay.

Okay. Okay. Mer... Wow. Wow. I'm just thinking like the only thing... It's not like Postcards on the Edge was good. No.

Oh, fuck off, you faggot. Of course that was good. Just trying something. No, that was good because it was written by Carrie Fisher. Okay, so let's talk. All right, Meryl, Meryl, she's got statues

that are probably bigger than this fucker that she's actually a sex man. That's good. There we go. She's got multiple. You don't need Martin Short. Sit on the fucking Oscar, you bitch. Feel the fantasy.

And if that's not enough, throw in one of the 38 fucking Golden Globes. Beautiful, beautiful. And you know what's funny? I heard that that same quote was from Glenn Close as well, who hates her. Next one. Alright, now you have to say something nice about a...

This is called Mouthpad. It's a new device that attaches to the roof of your mouth and allows you to scroll with your tongue. So you can use your mouth as a mouse. Oh, I gotta say something nice? Yeah, you think you're interested in that. You think that's good. This is an amazing toy for lesbians.

Or any dinosaurs called Licholotopus. I... This is... This is amazing. I mean, is, this is amazing. I mean, who's got time for fingers? Stephen Hawking would love it. Roger Ebert. Oh.

Yeah. Wow. Stephen Hawking. Roger Ebert would laugh at that joke. He would say, oh my God, it's so funny, my face fell off.

Okay, what? What, you, that's history. It is face fell off. Okay, what? That's history. It is, it is. Google it, Google it. Stephen Hawking, there's a photo of him that's been circulating because he was on Epstein's Island.

Let's be fair. Does he really know where he is? But let's say, well, the one good thing, if he was there, the one good thing about Epstein Island, it's obviously handicap available and there's ramps everywhere. There's some sort of, there's some sort of, there's some sort of, there's something you could say

about how he was like Schrodinger's cat in the sense that he was both on and not on Epstein's Island at the same time. But I never really cracked it. I haven't cracked it.

All right, now you have to say something nice, or no, now you have to say something nasty about Paul Giamatti celebrating his Golden Globe win

at In-N-Out. Yeah, that's right. They love it. Well, you know what the most fucked up thing is that he won a Golden Globe. That's the fucking worst thing. Listen, this is what all celebrities do. Look, I got to say something nice?

No, mean. Mean, mean. Fuck him. I mean, that's all I can say. He's like, what the fuck? Girl. I mean, look, you know, I'm going to say this. I'm going to say this.

Here he is, an established Hollywood actor, living his life, thinking he's all fucking fancy. But the length he has to go to get attention is to go into In-N-Out with his fucking trophy. I mean, the desperation to get attention as I sit here in a wig. The fact that he can't be himself as I'm sitting here wearing a wig

is really fucking pathetic. I do think you've made an important point, which I hadn't clocked, which is the globe on the table. Exactly. It says, it says, pick me. Well, the only good thing, and we're going to find out later

that that's In-N-Out Salt Shaker. Wouldn't that be fucking fierce? Also, In-N-Out Salt Shaker. Wouldn't that be fucking fierce? Also, In-N-Out sucks. I mean, seriously, people in Hollywood... What? I said In-N-Out sucks. It sucks. It sucks.

It simply sucks. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Oh, there's a... How do I know? Is this like something that goes on often? Well, no, just I think as a rule in Southern California, if you say In-N-Out sucks, it gets a kind of reaction. Really? So you get the reaction because people agree with you

or you get the reaction because people don't? I think that's... Who agrees? Who disagrees? And you people know that I've had French fries at other places. You know what a good French fry is like, right? You know that they don't come out at other places. You know what a good french fry's like, right? You know that you can go to, that they don't come out like kind of, I don't know, like kind of

loose, soft, gray logs. Are we talking about fries or skulls? I mean, like that? The shakes are good. The shakes are good. Yeah. Alright, now you must say something mean. Okay. You got a lot of cards for two comments.

Yeah. I feel like I'm in that play you watched. You bitch. All right. Say something nice about the door plug that blew out on that Alaska's Airlines flight from Oregon. Say something nice about that. Okay.

Okay. Well, ooh, I'm gonna... All right, so a chunk of Alaska Airlines found in the backyard. Well, ooh, I'm going to, all right. So a chunk of Alaska airline found in the backyard. All right, so listen, listen. On occasion, on occasion, you've been on a plane where you're there, and you're thinking, you know what, I want a window seat. And then you find out, can I sit with my husband?

Can I sit? You do that. And it's the one time that you're in the aisle seat and you go, mm-hmm, this is a good flight. Take them fuckers out. Listen, that is free air. Listen, those little vents don't give you much. They don't give you much. It's pretty good.

And think of it. You get to your destination before your luggage. What a treat that is. And think of it, you get to your destination before your luggage. What a treat that is. I say, who needs salted peanuts when you can get assaulted yourself? You know, it's what it is. And by the way, everyone made it.

Yes. What a story. What a story. Imagine, everyone was like, oh, it was a good thing nobody was in that window seat. But if their seat was buckled, what an adventure. What an adventure. Could you imagine just like, you've never experienced that.

Floor to ceiling windows in an airplane. Think about that. It's loft style. I mean, I've done crystal meth and never felt that rush. You know, that is... I don't do it now because I like teeth,

but yeah. Bianca, where can people find out about the tour? Oh, you can find out the tour on my site, which is thebiancadelrio.com. I start in two, three weeks, I believe it is. Three weeks. And I start in San Diego, and then I go all over America and Canada for

the first chunk of it. So it's 60 dates. 60 dates. Yeah, that's just the beginning, faggot. Just the beginning, faggot. We're continuing. Yes. I'll last until 2025. I'll be schlepping around the world. Yes, it's all good. Wow. Yeah.

So it is what it is. You got to go. I got to spread my hate to the masses. You know what I mean? I can't leave it to the Catholic Church, honey. I got to go to the people. Everybody give it up for Bianca Del Rio. Thank you.

She'll be back for Hot Takes. That was so great. Thank you. And we're back! Between Lauren Boebert allegedly punching her ex-husband in the face in public, to Donald Trump going full Bertha around Nikki Haley, 2024 in America is off to a gnarly start.

Here to bring some class to this complete ass is the incredible Brian Bahi and the wonderful Madison Shepard. Hi. Welcome toepard. Hi. Welcome to you both. Hi. Thank you so much. Thanks for being here.

Thank you so much. Hey, y'all. Come on in. Oh, this couch is nice, actually. It's kind of firm. Yeah, I like it. Oh, it's firm. Yeah, the couch is giving firm.

The couch. Hey, the couch is giving firm. The couch. Hey, 2024 is here. Does that feel, are your loins girded? Well, I have chlamydia, so yeah. Oh, yeah. Currently wearing Spanx, so same. Spanx? Spanx, yeah, that's why I have to sit like this,

kind of at an angle, but but also kind of sitting up straight. Does it kind of help? Does it change your posture and all? Sometimes it makes it hard to breathe. Oh. And that's not cute. But, you know. The silhouette, though.

Okay. I mean. When I'm sitting, I should have worn a sitting shirt. I messed up. Anyways. So Spanx, these are standing Spanx. Yeah. Yeah. I messed up. Anyways. So spanks, these are standing spanks. Yeah, yeah. I'll do better next time.

It's time for a segment we're calling a civilized debate or master debaters. Oh my God. Okay. The fuck is going on? Here's how it works. Okay. All right?

We're going to debate some topics about etiquette of some kind, or just topics. Really, whatever you want. Okay. But... Oh, my God, look. I'm going to assign each of you a pro and a con, all right? And you'll each have 30 seconds to make your case, and then we'll decide who won that round of the debate.

It's as simple as that okay all right topic one astrology is stupid and basically q anon for gay people brian you are anti-astrology and think it's horseshit madison you are pro-astrology and think it's science brian why don you are pro-astrology and think it's science. Brian, why don't you kick it off? Yeah, astrology is stupid. There are other things. There's science. Science exists.

And also, who talks about astrology the most? I think if you follow the breadcrumbs, it is a white straight man. A white straight man is behind astrology if you keep going and they cannot be trusted at all. But they have like, you know, their their minions out here doing planting seeds telling us that that like we're going to find love in 2024. And that's just so we can keep fueling the astrology economy, which is crystals. And yeah, it's bad. It's evil.

Amen. Amen. Madison, you have the pro, I suppose. Okay. Do I just go? Just go. Okay. Okay, astrology is really cute.

First of all, I'm a Scorpio sun, a Libra moon, and a Scorpio rising. My Venus is in Scorpio. My Mars is in Aquarius. Who wants to fucking fight later okay it's very true it's like listen if you're reading the bible i guess like it has information in it the same as the stars you know like if we're gonna make up shit to believe in why not the things that we can actually see like like the stars and the moon? Astrology is for cute bitches only.

Except for you. I know that you're, anyways. Yeah. Yeah, amen. Amen. So now to decide. Astrology is a plot of a secret cabal of straight men. Connected probably to Epstein's Island.

If you think about it. Yeah, period. Flight records. Or it's cute. Or it's cute and the reason you're single is because of space. It's because of where Saturn was. All right who do we're gonna the audience is gonna decide brian madison wow the cards were stacked against me i know you weren't gonna win it was so unfair it is

honestly the fact that we live in a world where the stars were stacked against believing horoscopes are dumb, that's Trump. Like, you're like, how do these people, that's how. Yeah. Next topic. Yeah, I agree. Next topic, marriage is a sham. Oh, yes. Madison, you think matrimony should go the way of the dodo.

Hell yeah. Brian, you believe in it. Okay. Madison, kick us off. Okay, so I'm actively going through a divorce. And let me tell you something, my love. Love is a lie. Do not get the government involved

in your sex life. Let me tell you, it's just, you don't know who somebody is until there's a double strike in your industry and all your shows are canceled and they say, you know what?

I don't want to be forever with you, okay? So anyways, I'm going to wrap it up there. I'm just saying, I'm not trying to trauma dump, but like marriage is bullshit and don't fucking do it. Stay boyfriend and girlfriend forever. A lot to think about. So there's lived experience.

You disagree? Yeah, I think marriage... Ants, you disagree. Yeah, I think marriage... As somebody who's never been married, nor really been in love, the longest relationship... The longest relationship I've been in was about three months.

I honestly say get married. Where are my married people at? Make some noise. Okay. That... getting married is is how you it's like that's what you're it's like what are you gonna do not get married like it's like not getting married is so boring it's like we already like spend a lot of time together let's like see let's have a party let's like do let's hang out with our friends or whatever and who's to say that like you can get married and get a divorce i think most i think i i want to get married with the intention of getting a divorce like i think that's cool

because i want to get married again like that seems fun you love love yeah one love I will say being a divorcee is very chic yes I do recommend that yeah it is cute yeah there was that HBO show is it

divorce oh yeah alright who's pro marriage who's anti marriage yikes nice

that's kind of a draw. Kind of weird, honestly. Don't get it. Let's do one more. The right time for drugstores to put out Valentine's Day decor is January 2nd. Madison, you love that.

Brian, you think we can hold a beat? Yeah. So you like Valentine's Day stuff at CVS. Let's hear it. Okay, that's really cute, actually. Let's pretend that I'm a woman who changes her towels more than once every quarter. And I want to go to a CVS

and buy a themed Valentine's Day hand towel. And I should be able to do that a month in advance to really get banged for the buck out of my use of my you know what i mean you weren't there's a woman nodding her head i feel like she was also in line to get a starbies stanley that was valentine themed and i'm here for that queen. Queen of hearts. Me and you. Valentine's Day is also for cute bitches only. Brian, what do you think? I'm against it.

Yeah, you're against it. You're against Valentine's Day and the CVS. Okay. Yeah, why? It's January. I literally still think it's December. Also, Valentine's Day is a weird day to say you love somebody a lot.

That's like every day or not every day, if that makes sense. It's like why, it's like yeah, I either love you or I don't love you. If you don't know that by now, that's your fault. Like,

and going out to dinner, I feel like just seems, because it's never on a weekend, it's always on a weekday and it's just like another thing you have to do at night and who, truly as an adult,

who's decorating for that? That seems insane. yeah i agree i agree i'm of two minds on this topic on the one hand um new year's is a birthday for no one and valentine's day is an anniversary for no one that's my philosophy on both of those events uh but on the other nothing makes me happier during this six-week period when if you're stoned out of your gourd and you wander into a pharmacy, a place for medicine,

you can walk out with incredible wonders. You can walk out with beautiful, beautiful, beautiful chocolate boxes in the shapes of really any size that you want. They have different size hearts to express different kinds of love. They have the heart where it's just like, I'm going to eat this whole thing right now.

They have the heart that's like, I'm going to eat this over the next three days. They have the heart that's so big that you can eat it over the next three days. All right, who, who, let's, let's, I forgot to do it last time. Um, pro CVS Valentine's day starting January 2nd. The true freaks against wait. Thank you so much to Brian and Madison. If you're in LA, Brian has a monthly stand-up show called Star Fuckers at the Hollywood Improv, which happens to be about...

Astrology theme. Yeah. Twist. And follow Madison at Madison underscore Shepard. And she was in Single Drunk Female, a show producer Brian thinks is perfect. It got canceled. I know, it's sad.

When we come back, is that a flake flower in your pet or are you just happy to see me? Don't go anywhere. This is Love It or Leave It and there's more on the way. And we're back. Please welcome to the stage, a returning favorite, a clown,

and only the best sense of the word, the hilarious Zach Zucker. Oh, my God. Come on. Hi, this guy. Oh, my God. Come in. Oh, my God. Thank you.

Wow, look. What is this, 9,000 people in here holy holy moly oh wow now you studied this is real allegedly at the i you're just gonna have to say that um it is uh okay wow that is an offensive slur you wrote down there uh it is it's all it's pick a letter it's all pick a letter it's that one and worse I'll say it no no sorry I'm just being wacky zacky blah blah blah

okay it's pronounced Ecole Philippe Gaulier and it is it translates to a very bad slur but you both performed

and taught clowning not there but in separately from that in my life, yes. Thank you. Was this a childhood dream that got wildly out of control? Is this a child? This is more of I am the first son of Jewish immigrants

who wanted me to go to college, and I was like, I'm going to go to clown school. Bye. And they were not happy. And they are still not happy for many reasons i said bad slur no no okay i'll stop i was gonna ride the slur bit and i feel you guys pulling away yeah i have to say yeah your jewish immigrant parents must have just been white fucking knuckling it while you're at clown college yeah well that those were the years we weren't really talking, so...

Thank you, John! So, you're part of a duo. Yes. Zach and Vigo. Yes. With your comedy partner Vigo Venn. Yes. What was it? I was like, you've come on the show. Okay. And then I was like, oh, let me look.

I mean, you know, it's like he's trying to get me off stage. Okay. I think I've got myself a ticket to a third appearance. Thank you. I need the money. But I... No, they just pay for my parking. We don't even do that. Okay, sorry. but I... But... Nah, they just pay for my parking, but I...

We don't even do that. Parking. Okay, sorry. But your comedy partner was on Britain's Got Talent. He not only was on Britain's Got Talent, he won,

and he is now rich and famous, and boy, our relationship, it's like he couldn't have left me faster. But... Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's tough. He's the funniest guy I know.

And he's in a wonderful relationship. And I am trying to get my parking validated, you know? I feel like they don't, they genuinely, to your great and everlasting credit, don't know where the truth ended and the joke began.

He really won Britain's Got Talent. He really did. He won 250,000 pounds, which is 315 000 american dollars and in the uk they don't have lottery or competition tax so he got all of it yeah and you know how much i got uh let's keep going yeah i got a parking ticket for 250 000 pounds Was it you? No, no. There's something you do that I think you do. I wanted to know what you learn in studying clowning. You just see me cooking up anything but the truth right now. But no, because you do something.

I was watching you and Vigo perform, and I was watching you perform, and you do something, it's very physical. I think that there's something very physical to what you're doing. Yeah. What's a typical class? What do you study? Oh, it's tough. A lot of people would say it's a waste of time, it's a waste of money, it's a cult, and I'm like, okay, master. Thank you for your service, I will see you later.

No, it's a... I like this side. I will connect to this side. I don't know about that one. No, but it's kind of like this. It's just, they kind of teach you to play with the room and read the crowd and really just use your body as a vessel

to be whatever you guys need and it doesn't matter what I find cool or funny or impressive in any way. Yeah, they're laughing. Sure, keep going, you know? And then these guys start laughing, and again, I haven't gotten the back. And it's kind of like that.

And then eventually you just never have to tell a joke, and it's like, wow, an hour passed? Thank you so much. I'll see you next time, you know? That's kind of what we learned there. That's what they learn in French the whole time. The whole time. No, no, no. It's an international school. So, so it's like 75 of the weirdest people who really want to perform, but like probably shouldn't from 45 different countries. And we all converge on this small little town on the last stop of

the overground train of France. This is the only part that I'm telling the truth right now. And it's a small village called Etampes, La Village d'Etampes, and it translates to stamps. Yeah, I'm sort of a history buff. It's time, in the spirit of your training. Sure.

It's time for a segment we're calling Would You Fuck This Clown? Oh! Those are clowns on Grindr. Okay, you found my profile. Actually, I believe it was pronounced cum drop, not gum drop, but we'll get there. Sorry, I'm sorry.

It's a hurricane up here, you know. Or a him cane. Okay, all right, sorry, sorry, sorry. Because the boys got to go crazy too, you know what I mean? Okay, all right, sorry, sorry, sorry. Because the boy's got to go crazy, too. You know what I mean? Okay, I lost you. That person just leaving. Yeah.

They were only going to hear this. They didn't know that they were walking out of my interview right now. A clown killed my mother. Gone. All right. That was you. All right, first up. Pennywise from It.

Tim Curry edition. Would you fuck this clown? Here's the thing. I've actually, well first off, I mean, throat goat right here. And looking like they're using the right amount of teeth. Thank you. Guys, gals, everyone in between. We love the teeth. Okay, alright.

Just in case you weren't clear what I was saying. Honestly, here's what I'm thinking. You got some good hair to pull on, whether it's from the front or the back. Pennywise got a big fat ass. Fuck it, I'm in. Lock it in. I would fuck Pennywise.

It's a yes on the Tim Curry Pennywise. Next up, we've got Krusty the Clown. Oh, yes. Jewish. Yes, Jewish, just like me. Sorry. But this guy, look, Krusty's good. Krusty's, he's got, you know, his sleeves are rolled up.

He's got his hands ready for action. Got a nice little nose, nice little target. Sorry, has no one ever had sex before? Nice. I got the crew. Don't care about you guys. And it's good to see you all again. And I'm happy. We'll chat.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sort of doing a thing right now vibes. You know what? Honestly, I love the community. Fuck it. I would give Krusty that hot lead pipe. All right. Next clown.

I'm sorry. Next clown is Aaron Rodgers. Okay. He actually defies science. This guy right here. Like we learned, if science is Dr. Fauci, you're damn right I'm defying science. All right.

Okay, that's on me. What's wrong about him? Nah, dude, Aaron Rodgers, he's got like, he reeks of a straight guy. And it's not the fun straight guy where it's like, hey, I've never kissed a guy before.

What's it like? You know? Kind of my prime, as a bisexual man, I am the gateway to a really great way. Again, left side side not feeling it. You think I forgot? What's wrong with you, left side?

Sorry, is there a bunch of Green Bay Packer fans out here? The team he played for. Yeah, thank you. A little tag team action. You know what, fuck it, me and you, I would tag team Rodgers with you, but that's it. But only if it's the two of us. It's got to be both of us. It's got to be both of us.

It's got to be both of us. I'm a no unless it's both of us. Yeah, I'm a no unless it's both. Next up, Bozo from Chicago's local children's show, The Bozo Show. Okay, I feel like had you not said the local children part, that's what's making me bump on this. And by bump, I mean fuck it, hell yeah.

Look, the list came out, and fortunately my name was not on there so i okay i shouldn't have made an epstein joke i uh he was a family friend but i sometimes i forget that anyone listens to this not you specifically but that like people like this isn't just for the room right here it's like this will go out to billions of people tons of people yeah here's the thing

and I've said it before and I'll say it again shockingly popular I thought you were going to say I'll say it before and I'll say it again shut up

hey what's with the why are clowns and hobos so associated because I don't know if you guys know this, it's not a very lucrative career. You don't get into clowning to make money.

Like I said, it's something that chooses you and you're like, I wish you wouldn't. I wish I could have been anything else. Next up, we have the insane clown posse. Dude, these guys are secret, like, social justice warriors, feminist icons. Absolutely, I would let them go. They would run train on me, respectively.

I would tap in, tap out, whatever they want. I'll pay the fee. They can all come in. We'll fucking go. Yeah, we'll go wild. Unless I'm thinking of juggalos, unless they're both the same. But either way, lock it in. Unless it's the two of us, I'm not going to do it.

Next up. Next clown, Eric Adams. What I would like to show here is to empower parents on how to search a room inside their home. It's imperative that you should know what's inside your house. I just had to find a gun. Oh my God. There's guns everywhere. No. No way. No way. Money in the doll's butt. There are no First Amendment rights inside your household.

Okay, first off, crazy he knows where I live. You know what? This is also, like, one of the weird, earnest things I'll say. I, like, every Jewish kid from the suburbs wanted to be a rapper, dancer, basketball player,

and hip-hop artist. And he took a stance against drill music that really upset me. And it's not that the musicians are the problem, it's the systemic problems that caused the,

it's the artistic expression, it's hood poetry. And I don't appreciate him coming after people like Fabio Foran and some of my favorite rappers. So no, Eric Adams, you cannot get this.

Lock it in. Not even if Lovett wants to join. Not even if I'm there. No. Now I'm just having sex with Eric Adams alone. My literal dream.

He's searching in your ass he finds a gun. It could be anywhere. All right. Finally. Actually, let's do Ronald McDonald. You know, Malcolm,

I'm glad you went searching until you found this photo. What an amazing, horrible, terrifying image of Ronald McDonald. I mean, he looks like someone just sucked his dick. That is a guy in post-nut

bliss, just like, whatever we do next, I literally don't care. Fuck it, sure. You know? Zach's in. I'm in. I'm getting that lifetime. Yeah yeah I'm in I am in I'm getting that lifetime

yeah I'm in lock it in this is a game show right yeah yeah no 100% and you are winning yes

alright next up finally you must pick you must pick one of these canonical jokers with whom to make love

Cesar Romero Jack Nicholson Mark Hamill, animated. Jared Leto. Heath Ledger. Jared Leto and Joaquin Phoenix. Okay. First off, it's obviously not Jared Leto.

We all agree. No, I agree. That guy is a rotten piece of shit. I don't agree with method actors. I'm sorry, Daniel Day-Lewis, Abraham Lincoln is dead. So you can try all you want. Have you ever tried acting, good sir? And so that was me getting into character as a guy, I guess.

But I... So long, Ben. Okay, no one's been. But Jared Leto, I don't know if you remember during the world's worst joke. Also, it's gotta be so embarrassing to be the world's worst Joker. Yeah.

Also to have been method actor, Jared, method actor Joker for weeks and weeks up to and including mailing Margot Robbie a dead bird. And they cut you down to like a three minute after credits scene. It's brutal. Good. Yeah. And so there's a like part of me now is like, I'd hate fuck him. But I, I think we got to give it up to the boy.

We got to give it up to Heath. You know what I mean? Yeah. That is some Academy Award winning bus. I am ready for it. I don't even talk like this. What are you doing to me? Yeah, I'm sorry.

This is my real voice. For me, it's Cesar Romero. I choose Cesar Romero. I choose Cesar Romero because it's campy and fun. And I just think we'll have a nice

time. Do you know that they actually named Little Cesar's Pizza Hot and Ready after him because he's always hot and ready?

That's why it's called Hot and Ready. Little stuffed crust, you know what I mean? Yeah. And that's no

Joker. That one was just for you. Thank you. Crank that Joker, boy. Okay. All right, we just got 15 more minutes of clowns. Thank you. Thank you.

Everybody get up for Zach. He has eight nights of shows in London. You're going to be in London January 17th through 24th and has an off-Broadway run of your show starting on February 29th yes

it's a character I do called Jack Tucker it's at Soho Playhouse I am Soho excited to be there it's a two month run so please come watch me Jack off-Broadway

I can't wait to be there alright Jack's gonna stick around when we come back it's time for some hot takes. And we're back. All right, before we get to hot takes, the New Hampshire presidential debate

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All right. Please welcome to JoinZack, Bianca, Brian, and Madison. Come on out, everybody. Come on out. Hi, welcome back. A wardrobe change. Hey, so nice to meet you guys. This is crazy.

I love the wardrobe change. You know what? I was ready to put on my pajamas. It's one of those things. As a drag queen, I live my life tired, so I just thought, let me get out of that bullshit and put this on. Beautiful. I love the look. It's very sexy. Now it's time for Hot Takes. Here's how it works.

Each of us will have 30 seconds to defend a position that we have never seen before as if it were deeply held in our heart of hearts. We each get a skip, but unless the producers got nicer over the break, and they didn't, what you may skip to could be worse. Let's kick it off.

No, it actually isn't going to be your year. Who the fuck do you think you are? All right, everybody, listen. It's not going to be your year. All the things, the problems, issues that you found in 2023, you didn't leave them there. They come with you. They move with you through time. You don't get to have your year because that's not how you work you don't have the year the year has you and if you want it to be your year

whatever the fuck that means you gotta make some changes thank you applaud that alright let's see what's next Zach okay a clown is just an incel with a sense of humor about, I honestly totally agree.

Wait, oh sorry, actually I didn't read it. I kind of just said that joke. Can I read that one more time? A clown is just an incel with a sense of humor about it. So I have to defend it as it's true or it's not true? True. I feel like the skip is gonna be the exact same thing, but maybe just two words will be switched. Yeah, fuck it, it's true or it's not true true ah i feel like the skip is going to be the exact same thing but maybe just two words will be switched yeah fuck it it is true uh because what is the

what is the most beautiful pleasure in life than a laugh you know and so you what you know we're kind of taking a vow of yeah i will get my pleasure through you guys and i will see like right now you guys are enjoying it and i'm actually getting off so hard right now. Oh baby, I feel like I'm on a forum right now and I'm about to, I'm about to catch

a Redditor right now and we're about to go crazy. No, I love this. This is crazy. The more you don't laugh, the harder I get. And the more that you do laugh, the harder I get.

We are unstoppable. Nice. Let's see what's next. Bianca Del Rio, the best place to develop your drag is TikTok. TikTok. Listen.

TikTok Listen. TikTok is amazing for this world. And what we've learned through TikTok is you can create recipes in a minute, you can create drag queens in less than that. What's amazing is you don't have to have talent or beauty, you just have to look great with a filter, which is great for people that look like you. The thing is...

I'm kidding, I'm kidding. But I say it's the best place to form your skill set, it's the best place to get the likes, and it's really important. And remember, white people are fabulous on TikTok. They really are. They ruin an election, but they're great on TikTok. That fucking sucks.

Fantastic. That goes against everything I feel. No offense, ma'am. I love your pants. They look good. They look good. Let's see who's up next. Scorpio men are underrated. Brian?

Skip. Skip. Let's see what he's got instead. Fuck. I really think it's gonna be my year yeah obviously I mean yeah it's gonna be my year

I mean I'm here right now next to Bianca Del Rio and Zach Zucker and Zach Zucker Zach Zucker is over there and I'm holding his toe. Yeah.

I'm 2024. He's 2023. Exactly. That's your year. And I'm over 19. I'm helping you. It's your year. Period.

All right. Fantastic. Let's see what's up next. That was too good. As a comedian, I strive to be like my idol, Ricky Gervais, Madison. Can I skip? You can. Can I take that one? to be like my idol Ricky Gervais, Madison. Um,

can I skip? You can. Can I take that one? Sounds like a man in comedy. Why are you incinerating? You looked at me. Madison has skipped to, I think it's really going to be my year.

Well, darlings, as you know, my divorce is not yet finalized. But once it is, and I pay my taxes from the last two years, I really think that things are going to turn around for me. Honey,

I feel a booking coming on any day now is what I'm saying. The minute somebody gives me an audition, I feel like it'll be good. I really do believe it will be my year. Even though my horoscope said this year was about enemies. Scorpio!

Let's see what's next Attraction and compatibility are negatively correlated Attraction and compatibility Skip No one will remember No one will remember the name Claudine Gay

by February Jesus I'll take this one I guess I have to I'm clotting gay by February? Jesus. I'll take this one. I guess I have to. I have one more skip? Oh my God, but they're going to get worse. Here are five people I was surprised to see who weren't on Epstein's list.

What is it? I don't know. Go! Go! weren't on Epstein's list. What is, I don't know. Go! Go!

Sir, I would like to talk to you about your obsession with Bill Clinton being on Epstein's list. During an interlude, while we were in between segments, a person from the crowd asked a question, were you ever in the room where Bill Clinton did it? And I said, did what? And he said, the Monica Lewinsky scandal.

And I said, you mean the Oval Office? Roger Goodell. All right. I don't know. All right, let's see what's next. Nah, give me a bad one. Skip. Oh.

Ooh. Zach, take it away. Oh, I really think it's gonna be my year this year Here I am, sitting on a couch With four people I kind of know In a room full of people who I'm sure Will never remember my name But doesn't that kind of make you feel like All of the forgotten people

Who weren't on Jeffrey Epstein's list? A bunch of wonderful comedians People who won't stand the course of history. Here I am searching for words that I couldn't find because instead of getting a degree, I went to clown school. But it's all going to pay back this year because Ricky Gervais is looking for an opener,

and boy, if I do this right, mate, I might be the one. Yeah! Let's see what's next. Bianca. Insult comedy is dead. Bring back kindness to the stage. I'm not going to say skip because I'm not a little bitch like the rest of you. Okay.

Okay. Okay. There was a line drawn in the sand. Yeah, there was. Okay. Wow. Listen, it's important to be kind to one another. It really is.

Because drag is love. And if you feel within yourself that you need to put on your superhero outfit to spread your love to the masses, I suggest you do it. What's really sad about my life is I've been a good person for as long as I could be. And I wasn't included in the clown segment to get fucked. I feel as a responsible gay clown I am doing my best for our community and our people. Be nice to one

another. It could be worse. Fantastic. It's believable, isn't it? Yeah. I bought it. I bought it. I bought it. I bought it. Brian, you're up. It says, actually, porn is realistic.

You're just not doing it right. Yep. Yeah. Yeah, it's really... Yeah, porn is realistic because it's sex. And yeah, if your sex doesn't look like porn, that means your lights aren't on. I think you need to turn the brightness up all the way.

And then you also need to have a person, the third person there, kind of watching you to kind of like visually take in what you're doing and then reflect, oh, it's out of, okay. No, no, keep talking.

Keep talking. We're learning something. Keep talking. And that's on period. Talk soon. All right, let's... There's a quiet nobility to ghosting, Madison. Yeah, actually...

Oh, okay. I'm going to start now. Okay. There is a quiet nobility to ghosting. It's called setting a boundary. It's called going no contact. And if you were ghosted, accept that somebody has set a boundary with you,

that they don't fuck with you, and that's okay. Why would you want to be dealing with anybody who does not fuck with you? I need you to get some self-esteem. And I need you to to be dealing with anybody who does not fuck with you i need you to get some self-esteem and i need you to just be okay with ghosting and being ghosted it's okay babe it's like managing expectations yeah i actually believe that that was good yeah I feel so guilty Why? For the times I've ghosted No really I do

No don't But we said we were Going to keep it professional As if I could ghost you Imagine ghosting this guy Well it's Bianca Listen I didn't say it was ghosting

I just said quit haunting my house That's all I got to say. I was like, just let me in. I want to know how to do it. It's not with these hands. And that's how it takes. When we come back, we'll end on a high note. And we're back.

Here it is, because we need it this week, the high note. Hi, this is Kate from Kansas City, Missouri. I don't know if this would be a high note, but I encourage everyone to go to lucaskunce.com, that's L-U-C-A-S-K-U-N-C-E.com and donate. He is trying to kick Josh Hawley out of office and we are tired of him, but we need everybody's help because there are some crazy people in Missouri that still like Josh Hawley, even though he's a P-U-S-S-Y.

Can't say that, but he is. So please help us donate to Lucasascoomps.com. We need all the help we can get. Thank you. Bye. Hey, Love It. This is John calling from Massachusetts. I love your show.

And I wanted to pass along my high note about something that started as a conversation during the height of the COVID pandemic. My wife and I started talking about maybe growing our family through the adoption process. And a week ago today, we finalized the adoption of our daughter, Aubrey. And now we have three beautiful children that bear our name. Thanks. Have a great one. Hey, Lovett. This is Marissa. My high note for this week and the end of this year is that my family is heading back to our house in Savannah, Georgia. It's been a really long year. My husband is active duty in the Army, and he had a huge year celebrating graduating from law school,

passing the bar exam, and we just did a three-month stint living in a hotel with our two small children. So we are super excited to be back in health with our family together to celebrate the holidays and looking forward to him starting his new job going to be stationed down in Georgia. So thank you for spreading all of the good cheer with these high notes. They really brighten my day. So thank you. Thanks to everybody who shared a high note tonight. If you want to leave us a message about something good going on with you, call us. Call us at 323-538-2377. That is our show. Thank you so much to Bianca Del Rio, Zach Zucker, Madison Shepard, and Brian Bailly.

2024 is here. There are 296 days until the 2024 elections. Sign up at votesaveamerica.com and happy new year, everybody. If you're already doom scrolling, everybody. Finally, you can join our Friends of the Pod subscription community for ad-free episodes, exclusive content, and a great discussion on Discord. Plus, it's a great way to get involved with Vote Save America. So sign up today at crooked.com slash friends. Love It or Leave It is a Crooked Media production.

It is written and produced by me, John Lovett, and Lee Eisenberg. Kendra James is our executive producer. Brian Semel is our producer. And Malcolm Whitfield is our associate producer. Hallie Kiefer is our head writer. Sarah Lazarus, Jocelyn Kaufman, Peter Miller, Alan Pierre, Will Miles, and Mohana Dalsheki are our writers. Evan Sutton is our editor. Kyle Seglin and Charlotte Landis provide audio support.

On the road, Vendel and Von Schroeder is our tour manager. Stephen Colon is our audio engineer. And Milo Kim is our videographer. Our theme song is written and performed by Sure Sure. Thanks to our designers, Jesse McClain and Bernardo Serna for creating and running all of our visuals, which you can't see because this is a podcast. and to our digital producers, Zuri Ervin, David Tolles, Mia Kelman, and Matt DeGroote for filming and editing video each week so you can.