Lovett or Leave It - Oh, great. Mike Pence.

Episode Date: February 29, 2020

The coronavirus sparks fear in the markets and a toxic debate sparks anxiety among Democrats. Quite a week. Moshe Kasher and Fortune Feimster join to cover everything from the latest primary news to why so many couples are getting married in barns. Plus, in GAY NEWS: a brave kid comes out to Mayor Pete and it reminds Jon of a harrowing summer at sports camp. Super Tuesday is HERE. Everybody better vote.

Good evening, Los Angeles. Before we begin, some light housekeeping. Republicans are organizing around the country to win in November. Democrats need to start building a ground game. That's why our new Leave It All on the Field Fund supports the efforts to recruit, train, and pay 1,000 organizers in key battleground states at votesaveamerica.com. We set a goal of reaching $500,000. We have already crossed $300,000,

so please help us finish that out. And Pod Save America, love it or leave it, they're going on tour, and you can get tickets right now at crooked.com slash events. Welcome, everyone, to the Hollywood Improv. We'll all remember this show because this is where you got the coronavirus. Did that baby boomer sneeze? Hit her in the head with a Miller Lite bottle. Panic. Did a handsome gay man cough? Get his number then swab his nostril and send it to the CDC? Yes. We have a primary to resolve, but coronavirus is a lot like a contested convention.

You get a bunch of people from all over the country in one room, and then everyone dies. On Monday, we awoke to push notifications telling us that this could be bad. It's not if, but when. And if you put your mouth around the entire water fountain, please stop doing that right away. But don't you worry. Donald Trump has his best guy on it. We have contained this, I won't say airtight, but pretty close to airtight. The human tragedy side, difficult, horrible. The economic

side, there is no tragedy in the United States. That's Trump advisor Larry Kudlow. This is a quote from Larry Kudlow from December of 2007. There's no recession coming. The pessimistas were wrong. It's not going to happen. The Bush boom is alive and well. Yes, it's still the greatest story never told. So Kudlow went on TV and said the markets were doing fine. Let's see what happened just hours later. And it's that coronavirus uncertainty which sent the Dow plunging more than a thousand points yesterday, its worst day in more than two years. And he said the U.S. had contained the virus. Let's see what happened one day later. A person in California may be the first in the country to get infected through so-

called community spread, meaning the source of the infection is unknown. So by Wednesday, after we all went to Amazon to discover that face masks that do not work are going for $100 a pop, Trump decided enough was enough. Trump sent Larry Kudlow back to the eyes-wide-shut orgy overflow room for people no one wants to fuck. Sad little annex. And he decided to finally speak to the American people directly. Let's see what Trump had to say about our preparedness for this potential pandemic. Because of all we've done, the risk to the American people remains very low. We have the greatest experts in the world,

really in the world, right here. We've had tremendous success beyond what people would have thought. Johns Hopkins, I guess it is a highly respected, great place. They did a study, comprehensive, the country's best and worst prepared for an epidemic. And the United States is now, we're rated number one. We're rated number one for being prepared. This is a list of different countries. I don't want to get in your way. Especially since you do such a good job. Nothing says I'm

prepared than holding up a sheet of fucking paper that no one can read in the middle of a press conference. This was a preparedness press conference for which he was not prepared. The good news is, those health experts he spoke of,

I'm sure they completely agree. The president's early and decisive actions, including travel restrictions, have succeeded in buying us incredibly valuable time. Wait a second. Time to do what exactly? Decide whether a portable solar panel to charge your phone is overkill? It is, and I got one. It's almost as if, and maybe I'm being crazy, Trump's own Secretary of Health and Human Services is trying to do everything in his power to not contradict the president while warning us. Let's keep watching.

The president's actions, taken with the strong support of his scientific advisors, have proven to be appropriate, wise, and well-calibrated to the situation. Our containment strategy has been working. At the same time, what every one of our experts and leaders have been saying for more than a month now remains true. The degree of risk has the potential to change quickly, and we can expect to see more cases in the United States. I'm beginning to worry this guy didn't see the chart. Blink twice, Azar, if you think we should buy more batteries.

But Azar is a Trump cabinet member. Surely the deputy director of the CDC won't need to compliment the president before telling everyone that what the president says is not true. Our aggressive containment strategy here in the United States has been working and is responsible for the low levels of cases that we have so far. However, we do expect more cases, and this is a good time to prepare. The president's aggressive containment strategy is working. Wait, I'm sorry. The strategy to contain the president's aggressiveness

is working. Then earlier today, news broke in the New York Times that a senior leader at the Department of Health and Human Services filed a whistleblower complaint about the way the Trump administration has handled the virus quarantine. The whistleblower's complaint is wild. They said that federal

employees were ordered without proper training or gear into two California Air Force bases where corona patients were being quarantined, interacted with those patients, then left and rejoined the general population. They moved freely around the base with at least one staying in a local hotel and then leaving California on a commercial flight. The only patient in America who has emerged with the coronavirus despite having no clear contact with anyone who is infected lived just down the road from one of these bases.

Stone cold bummer. If the allegations prove to be true and the disease spreads in America, we can point to the incompetence of Donald Trump and their desire to play down the threat as partly to blame. And blaming Donald Trump will feel great when you bump into your high school crush reaching for the last tube of Clorox wipes and your hands touch. And you lock eyes. And you wonder if just for a second you weren't crazy and she felt the same way the whole time.

And then she knees you in the balls and says, these wipes are mine, virgin. All that said, we should not, as a country, panic. You should wash your hands, cover your mouth when you sneeze. Don't put your whole mouth over the water fountain nozzle unless it's absolutely necessary. The virus is not deadly to most people who get it, but that's partially why it's scary. Deadlier, more acute viruses are often harder to spread. It's the reason you got HPV from your ex-boyfriend and not Ebola. You guys ready for a transition?

from your ex-boyfriend and not Ebola. You guys ready for a transition? Speaking of bleeding from the eyes, we also had a Democratic debate on Tuesday. Here's a clip to give us the flavor. I think we were talking about math, and it doesn't take two hours to do the math, because let's talk about what it adds up to.

Let's talk about math. Let's talk about math indeed. Okay, so here's the math. No, here's the math. Doing nothing is what will happen. Senator Sanders, you were allowed a quick response. Last time a Jewish socialist had this much trouble with the establishment, he ended up on a cross.

That's right. That's right. That's right, folks. I'm all in on Bernie. Where are my people going so that I may lead them? There were a couple of other big moments like when Bloomberg, halfway through the debate, decided to sneak in a line he clearly meant for the beginning. I'm surprised they show up because I would have thought after I did such a good job in beating them last week that they'd be a little bit afraid to do that. Just... He paid those crickets not to cricket.

Now, I have been somewhat critical of Mike Bloomberg's candidacy, but I have a disclosure. As you know, I've written jokes for, you know, President Obama and the Correspondents' Dinner, but after I left the White House and just before the sitcom money ran out, I did write jokes for a number of other politicians, including Bloomberg.

Jeeps don't just come with Taco Bell. You have to buy it. Anyway, I know what it's like to write 90 jokes you love and 10 clunkers you leave in to make the 90 good jokes look better and then end up hearing the clunkers. So to the comedy writer out there, with the deep, dark secret that you wrote the jokes Blomberg used at that debate, Travis, it

happens. Don't beat yourself up about it. Fucking garbage debate. Bunch of people bickering over nonsense. Tom Starr, why are you there? You're the second most popular billionaire on the stage.

It's not a good sign when you have to say that you were wrong to buy a private prison. That's like the most damning apology I've ever heard in my entire life. My decision to try to profit off the confinement of human beings in hindsight was a mistake. Vote for me.

The day this episode comes out will be the day of the South Carolina primary, and the question is whether Biden can win, and if he does, what that means for Super Tuesday three days later. There hasn't been a white guy this dependent on black people to help his career since Elvis. And by this time next week, Super Tuesday will have happened and 40% of delegates will have been awarded.

By next week's show, we may know if we are headed toward a long, messy primary or if Bernie Sanders is on his way to securing the nomination or if in the midst of a contested nomination fight, Hillary Clinton will put on a ski mask and tactical pantsuit,

rappel down to the convention floor in Milwaukee and snatch the nomination while everyone is distracted by an actual physical altercation between Stacey Abrams, Bob Iger, and a couple of the Young Turks. When we come back, our panel. Hey, don't go anywhere.

There's more of Love It or Leave It coming up. And we're back. Coming up. And we're back. She's a writer, comedian, actress, and host of the weekly podcast Sincerely Fortune. Please welcome Fortune Femster. How are you?

How are you, John? I'm so good. Yeah, you know, it's been a rough week. You know, whatevs. How are you? John? I'm so good. Yeah, you know, it's been a rough week. You know, whatevs. How are you? I'm great. I don't have coronavirus, I don't think, unless this is an intervention. It's sort of like a, that I know of.

All right. We'll see. He's a writer, comedian, actor, and host of the Endless Honeymoon podcast. Please welcome back Moshe Kasher. Hi, Moshe. How are you? How are you? I'm good.

How are you? Everything is good. I do have coronavirus. It's not so bad. It's quite a thing that the vast majority of people in the running to be the next president of the United States are in the highest risk category for coronavirus. Right. My immune system has compromised.

There's also a part of that press conference where Trump explains to everybody that he just found out how dangerous the flu is. Yeah. And it's just, when you work in the White House, you get to get information from the best people, right? Like, if you want economic information, it's like the top economic people, right? If you want science information, you talk to, like, truly brilliant scientific minds and it is such a unfair part of of fauci's life that he's going to the president and he's trying to say here's what we need to do to prevent the pandemic

here's what we need to do to make sure everyone has enough supplies here's why the test isn't working and trump interrupts and he's like so viruses they're very. I don't know why he sounds like this. Because Diamond and Silk told me we're A-OK around here. Did you see their speech at CPAC or whatever? I didn't catch it. I didn't catch it either. I got it on my DVR. I can give you the highlights. What'd they do?

They let the crowd know that the end of Republican is I can. And it was a big fucking mic drop moment for them. That's a little too close to yes we can. But it's sort of exactly the opposite of yes we can. It's like I can. It's all me. All me.

I can. What are some of the things you all are hoping to do before you die? Let's play a game. All right. Sorry to bring the energy down. This week, we all watched the 10th Democratic debate, which means as loyal customers, we finally get a free one.

And while this debate was egregious, it's worth remembering that throughout these debates, the interests of the television networks that air these parlays and the voters who will decide the primary do not always have the same interest. Parlies being a word I learned from Deadwood. Even if that means the debates are more about combat and the analysis is more about the horse rice. In fact, the post-debate takes on cable news were so rough,

we don't think you'll be able to tell which are real and which are fake in a game we're calling Not All Pundits Are Angels. And tonight we're going to play with Fortune and Moshe. Yes, we can. Yes, I can. I'm going to read you

a quote and you have to say if it was a real part of the post-debate analysis on the cable networks and television networks or if we made it up. Are you ready? Yes. Electability, very much as I keep saying, is in the eye of the beholder. That's true. Yeah, that's real. That was on CBS.

I'm sure my son watched the naked cowboy joke and said, okay, Boomer. That feels real. Yeah, that feels, yes. Yeah, I'm gonna go with real. You got it. Hell yeah. We're really good at this. We have too many fat people. Bloomberg said that again tonight. That's false, but, you know, kind of true.

Actually, it's just true. It is? It's true, but... It was said, in that it was said. Is that the problem? That people find Pete Buttigieg too cute? That feels real. He is kind of chipmunk-esque.

It was fake. We made it up. You knew? Yeah, I was going to say fake. Fake news. Wow, she's crushing it. I felt like she did know. I did. Remember, Fidel Castro is dead.

That's not a great thing to be talking about. I go true. True, yeah. It is real. Bernie Sanders is surging and there is infighting. And how worried am I? I'm very worried. The sky is falling and I don't have an umbrella.

I'm going to say false. I'm going to go with true. Just see if Fortunees really got it. Fortunes got it. Damn it. Whoa. Wow. What's up?

I can spot fake news. For people at home, she brought her hair back and forth in a way that... Flipped it. Flipped it. And it was intoxicating. This is delightful, huh?

For Elizabeth Warren, this debate might as well have been at McDonald's because she was loving it. I'm going to say false. Not real. It was fake. I wanted it to be true, though. After his first debate,

Bloomberg had nowhere to go but up, and that was smart positioning for him. That's fake. That's fake. Not real. Yeah, too funny. You got it. Yeah.

Wait, I got it, too. You only made eye contact with Fortune. How long have you been here? None of these candidates are going to beat Donald Trump if they can't win the nomination. I'm going to say true. That seems true. It is fake.

It was very loud. It was like that Will Ferrell character who couldn't control the pitch of his voice. I'm going to say real. Yeah, it feels real. MSNBC. Oh, so it is fake news. control the pitch of his voice? I'm going to say real. Yeah, it feels real. MSNBC. Hell yeah. Oh, so it is fake news. Oh!

Oh, you guys are big MSNBC crowds. It's my favorite. I'm sorry, which media corporation are you guys aligned with? Sorry, I forgot to say. So happy to have Rachel Maddow and her whole extended family here tonight. All the Maddows in the house, thanks for coming.

I'm sorry. He did get impeached. He is out of office. You were right, Rachel. I love lesbians. I'm glad you said it, sister. Woo! With the hair. Grandpa is paying for everything. That feels true.

True. Yep, MSNBC. I knew it. If I was Biden and I heard Sire's reparations line, I'd be thinking, we're going to need a bigger boat because that could leave the Biden campaign dead in the water as the Jaws shark did to so many beachgoers. Oh, man. A lot of Spielberg fans out there.

I'd say true. It was fake. Amy Klobuchar brought her game face and her A game, and that is a deadly combination. That feels... I'd say fake. Moshe got it!

They didn't seem happy about that. Nobody's got the charm of fortune. Look, straight up fortune teller over here. Soldier of fortune. That's the only one I could think of. When she shakes her head, it's sweet like a fortune cookie. Yeah. When we have the rant circle, it'll be a wheel of fortune.

Oh, yes. I have gone as a wheel of fortune for Halloween. I just put a wheel over my head. I want you to know that when I pronounce it Halloween, I get a lot of shit. How do you pronounce it? Well, people say it in that fancy elite way, like Halloween. Halloween. But I say it like a person.

I like to say it like an everyday person. Halloween. Well, I say it like a Jew I like to say it like an everyday person Halloween well I say it like a Jew Halloween Happy Halloween next quote Putin has decided it's in his weird ass interest to promote the possibility that Bernie Sanders

wins this nomination fight Rachel spoiler alert yeah true I'll go with that person Rachel Spoiler alert Yeah true I'll go with that person You got it Thank you I don't want to be in a cult

My daughter is in a Sororities and fraternities and stuff That's cult That feels real I'm going to say false Moshe got it It's okay Sorry everybody I believe in sororities Good evening That feels real. I'm going to say false. Moshe got it. It's okay. Sorry, everybody.

I believe in sororities. Good evening once again, and fair warning, the next hour of our coverage will not be a safe space, as in a bit, James Carville is going to join our conversation. That's fake. Yeah, fake. It's true. Oh.

It was said. Whether you like Marianne Williamson or not, she said something that I found to be deeply profound. True. She does it from time to time. It's real. True, true. You got it.

Local hero. Local hero. Yeah. And again, I want to thank Laura Dern and her whole family for being here. Next quote. Elizabeth Warren in past debates came off as not strong enough. Today she may have come off as too strong. Oh, that feels so true.

And a man said it. Yeah, man. God. Yeah. I love lesbians. You know what? I want to give it to you because they could have, but they didn't. Oh.

What if Bernie Sanders were a woman? Would his comments on Fidel Castro be dismissed as empathy? That is so true, and a woman said it. False. It's false. Yeah. Last quote. One thing you'd learn about television is when the graphics department isn't ready, you just have to call them out, and then

just read them. So what happens is, when they don't have the graphics, they tell you all the graphics that are ready. There you go, but good information. Real solid. Thanks, brother. It's so crazy that I think it's true. Yeah, it's hard to imagine it wasn't said. It was said on CBS. Motion, Fortune, you've won the game!

Oh, amazing. We win lesbians We both win lesbians One of those lesbians is going to be very happy And one is going to make a new friend To play board games with The two lesbians are backstage

Being like I don't even like board games Hey I'm a good hang Very respectful Chill guy You'll love me I don't even like board games. You take that one. Hey, I'm a good hang. Very respectful, chill guy. You'll love me. Rachel, you're going to love me. Here's the thing.

There's one thing to take away from this show. It's that lesbians love Moshe. They do. That's so true. They do. I love him. They love him. Oh, I can't keep my hands off this guy. Speaking of lesbians, when we come back, gay news.

Don't go anywhere. This is Love It or Leave It, and there's more on the way. And we're back. Yeah. Now it's time for... Gay news. Yeah. As you know, on this show, I've interviewed Mayor Pete.

I even got Pete to admit which Chris he finds hot, which he almost dodged. And we've made jokes about Pete and all the other candidates except Elizabeth Warren because she should be president. Bernie or bust. Bernie or bust. Bernie or bust? Bernie or bust? You think I won't do a joke about Elizabeth Warren? I'll do a joke about Elizabeth Warren. Are you ready?

I got one right here on this card. She has a plan for everything, except for how to win a fucking election. Twist. Twist. Oh, that's not funny? Because she's so clearly held back by cultural misogyny and machismo so deep and pervasive so intertwined with our institutions, our habits of attention

our language, our expectations, our metaphors our notion of leadership itself anyway, women be shopping back to gay news used to be bitches, now it's women we're moving up women We're moving up. Women be shopping? No. Women be leading.

Don't go along with me on that. That was awful. Back to Mayor Pete. This week, Mayor Pete was asked a question at a town hall by a nine-year-old boy. Let's watch the clip. Zachary, age nine. And this is a really touching question.

He says, thank you for being so brave. Would you help me tell the world I'm gay too? I want to be brave like you. I think she just told everybody. I don't think you need a lot of advice from me on bravery. You seem pretty strong. It took me a long time to figure out how to tell even my best friend that I was gay,

let alone to go out there and tell the world. And to see you willing to come to terms with who you are in a room full of a thousand people, thousands of people you've never met, that's really something. So Mayor Pete is not the most expressive candidate. What? No.

I think even there you can see it was somebody feeling something quite real and struggling to express it. That's just not who he is as a person. But here we are. You know, it was just announced that he is the official winner of the Iowa caucuses. It's an incredible achievement. You know, he's the former mayor of the Iowa caucuses. It's an incredible achievement. You know, he's the former mayor of a medium-sized Indiana city. He's one of the last Democrats

standing. And how did he get there? I think he got there because he's intelligent, he's disciplined, he's ambitious. And I think sometimes we don't give any of the candidates, especially ones that I think we're more critical of, the credit they're due for being genuinely brave. It takes bravery to run for president, and it takes guts to go in front of millions of people on a debate stage and come in with a plan to go after your rivals and pick a fight. You saw Mike Bloomberg, one of the richest, most successful human beings on planet Earth, who's been in the public eye for most of his adult life, freeze when put into that position. But it also took bravery for someone like Pete, who hasn't been out very long,

to run in such an open and honest way. There was something Pete said at the CNN town hall recently. Let's roll that clip. If you had offered me a pill to make me straight, I would have swallowed it before you had time to give me a sip of water. It is a hard thing to think about now. There's been some on the left who have been skeptical of what Pete's version of gayness means, now. You know, there's been some on the left who have been skeptical of what Pete's

version of gayness means, that he's square, that he sought membership in heteronormative institutions instead of, I think, what a lot of queer activists would want, which is to kind of tear those institutions down. Masha Gessen and the New Yorker describe

this attitude. And here's what she had to say. What makes Buttigieg an easy and reassuring choice for these older white straight people and a disturbing possibility for the queer people who seem to be criticizing him for not being gay enough, it is that he is profoundly essentially conservative. He's an old politician in a young man's body, a straight politician in a gay man's body.

I was thinking of this critique from the left when I saw what Rush Limbaugh said from the right. They're sitting there and they're looking at Mayor Pete, 37-year-old gay guy, Mayor South Bend loves to kiss his husband on the debate stage. There may be some Democrats who think that's exactly what we need to do, Rush.

Get a gay guy kissing his husband on stage, ram it down Trump's throat, and beat him in a general election. Really? Having fun envisioning that. Okay, weird twist at the end, but... So... He's like, I'm thinking about it.

Yeah. Oh, the beauty of Rush Limbaugh sitting in the easy chair with his Congressional Medal of Honor, nothing else on, just jerking it to Pete. Anyway, Pete has been getting it from the left, he's been getting it from the right. If Mayor Pete isn't gay enough, why is he taking it from both sides?

It was so sincere for so long I was like When's the twist coming And then at the end it was like And yet A joke but also underneath it An important point That's true At least he's you know everybody else

All the other gays are at parades with no pants fighting for rights. He's got pants on. Yeah. He's got the pants on. He's got pants on. The rest of us just butt-ass naked. And that's why I love lesbians so much.

They're always naked. So when I was 13 I was at a Jewish summer camp It was that wonderful period of time Where everyone else has figured out that you're gay But you haven't yet And in previous summers I had always been in the camp musicals

Ah The breadcrumb trail Yeah Fucking lighthouse on the harbor Ah, the breadcrumb trail. Yeah. Yeah, fucking lighthouse on the harbor. Marking the shoals of my homosexuality. You didn't know, Mom? I was Oliver.

But it also happened to be the summer my voice cracked. And so I was auditioning for a musical and couldn't even hold the tune. And the two old queens that ran the musical for the summer camp, the director said, what happened to Jonathan? And the other old queen at the piano said, puberty. And then da-da-da-da-da-da. I start crying, run off the stage. And so the other kids are picking on me.

I'm not having the success in theater that I'd hoped for. Obviously, basketball is a no-go. I can't swim in the lake. What happens if you touch the bottom? Was that a double entendre? No, that's about me being afraid of the bottom of the lake And so anyway, I call my mother homesick My mother calls the owner of the camp

The owner of the camp, this is their real name High and Hordy Schmirrer No And so my mother's saying she doesn't understand what's happening Of course, she doesn't understand But the other kids that were picking on me had figured it out My mother's saying she doesn't understand what's happening. Of course, she doesn't understand, but the other kids that were picking on me had figured it out. The counselors and people who run the camp had figured it out,

so High Schmier says to my mother, friend, for boys like your son, that's why we do the musicals. Thanks, horny. My mother's like, well, he is artistic. My point is... Wait, horny schmear came out to your mother for you? It was high schmear. High schmear. High schmear and his wife, horny schmear.

Oh, horny, not horny. High and horny. High and horny. High and horny sounds like wife Hortyschmier. Oh, Horty, not Horny. High and Horty. High and Horty. I thought it was Horny. I'm thinking about Pete Buttigieg right now. I swear I've heard Horny. I'll remember that for the rest of my life. That's why we do the musicals.

Nothing. You didn't notice when I came home from basketball camp with pottery? My point is, whoever your candidate is, whatever your feelings on Pete, take a moment to give him his due, because there are a lot of people

who are not right now able to say how much it means to see a gay candidate out there, and for them, it means a lot. And that's gay news. When we come back, the rant wheel. Hey, don't go anywhere. There's more of Love It or Leave It coming up. And we're back.

And we're back! Now it's time for the rant wheel. The rant wheel of fortune. Ooh, yeah. And Moshe. Oh, I remember. We were setting this up from earlier. Wheel of fortune.

Yeah, that's right. It's weird when you add Moshe to it. That's what the lesbians always say. This week on The Wheel, we have potential Diet Coke shortage, gift cards, people getting married in barns, Bloomberg and not Trump, David Wright suspension,

Pence Corona czar, Hot Pocket heiress, and Super Tuesday. Let's spin the wheel. All right. It has landed on Mike Pence. Corona-zar. Coming to Quibi.

Nobody's laughing. All right. Let's roll this clip. And what I've done is I'm going to be announcing exactly right now that I'm going to be putting our Vice President Mike Pence in charge. First of all, what a classic turn of phrase. I'm going to be announcing exactly right now. Again, showed up to the preparedness press conference

unprepared. Number one prepared country. Number 17 prepared president. So, Mike Pence is going to be in charge of our coronavirus response. Finally, the failed, unpopular,

dead-eyed, incompetent governor of Indiana who only took the VP job for Trump despite everyone thinking Trump was going to lose because it was to avoid an embarrassing re-election defeat in his conservative home state, which led to headlines during the

2016 campaign like, and I quote, Indiana GOP to Trump, take Mike Pence, please. We got rid of him! Woo! Indiana! Thank you for cheering. Let's break that down for a second.

We got rid of him. Woo, Indiana. No, you didn't. No, you didn't. You didn't get rid of him. We're all suffering now. You didn't get rid of him. You created him and then accidentally lost him.

Even more, John, it's not that you got rid of him. You failed to contain him. Yes. And he spread across the country like the coronavirus. Oh, my God. That is such a good point, Moshe. You had a job to do in Indiana. Maintain a perimeter

about anybody who knew about Mike Pence. And he broke that perimeter like a raptor testing the fences. Do you live in Indiana now? Yep. Dang. You got it? Do you live in Indiana now? Dang

And a Jewish lesbian Hey I'm Moshe Kasher how are ya? You like Settlers of Catan? Cause Moshe's got an idea This is your safe space. So Mike Pence is in charge. And that's great. It's not like one of his most famous acts of incompetence

was letting politics and right-wing zealotry allow his state to be home to a preventable HIV outbreak. So, HIV is rapidly spreading due to drug use. People are begging Pence to allow a clean needle exchange. He refuses until after the peak of the outbreak. This is from the lead author of a study in The Lancet.

He said, Our findings suggest that with earlier action, the actual number of infections recorded in Scott County, 215, might have been brought down to fewer than 56 if the state had acted in 2013, or to fewer than 56 if the state had acted in 2013 or to fewer than 10 infections if they had responded to the hepatitis outbreak in 2010 to 2011. Instead, they cut funding for the last HIV testing provider in the county.

That's what Mike Pence did the last time he was in charge of public health. But don't worry, Trump had this to say. Mike is going to be in charge and Mike will report back to me, but he's got a certain talent for this. Listen, if we want Mike Pence to get rid of coronavirus,

it needs to come out as gay. Yeah. Oh, slow burn, slow burn. That was a good joke, good joke. Let's spin it again. I have nothing to add. Pen sucks. It has landed on people getting married in barns.

Fortune, this was, I have to say, a bit on the nose as a lesbian suggestion. Yeah, you would assume as a lesbian I'd be all for people getting married in barns. It turns out it's not great. I feel like Pinterest has made everyone be like, you've got to get married in a barn. Look how amazing these pictures are. But then you get to the actual barn and you're stepping in cow shit the entire time.

I mean, there's no electricity. You're in a porta potty. You guys, you're eating steak while a cow's staring at you. It's not fun. They always run out of booze in the nearest gas stations like 45 minutes away because

you're at a fucking barn. What is this, Footloose? Don't get married in a barn. It's not fun for anyone except Pinterest. I completely agree. And I say that as someone who's been to many lovely events

and nuptials held inside of barns or spaces built to look like working barns when no cow or horse or sheep had ever been within 500 fucking miles of it. It's in the backyard of a millionaire's bed. There's something so chilling about a culture that's like, I've never been to a farm. I don't know anything about farms. I'm from Seattle,

but I'd like a barn aesthetic for my wedding. And then the only challenge is picking the barn because there are so many fake barn options. Like, what are you trying to convey about your rustic authenticity? You're an account manager at an advertising firm. Oh, it's going to be a farm-to-table meal. Okay.

Okay, so veggies? Cool. Oh, a farm-to-table meal, so not enough, huh? Can't wait to have a tiny purple piece of broccoli. 20 of us are gonna share a carrot. I love an heirloom tomato. Who's heirloom?

Who passed it down? Moshe got married in a barn, so this is all very offensive. Yeah, it's painful. I got married at home. How dare you, Fortune? Let's spit it again. It has landed on Bloomberg and not

Trump, suggested by Moshe. Speaking of Jews, two quotes about Donald Trump that have really hit me in a profound way recently. One was from my brother, and he was saying that he was arguing with some people that were very on board with the Bloomberg campaign,

and he said to them, to their horror, you know, there are worse things possible than four more years of Trump. If Donald Trump, the years of Trump if Donald Trump the aberration that is Donald Trump is immediately followed up by another billionaire that just decided he could purchase his way into the presidency

then the American experiment is more over than we thought let me fucking think I was asked to do this not you I got people I feel like I'm in black church right now. People are like, uh-uh, no. No.

You let Moshe finish his nuanced point about the dangers to democracy posed by an oligarch spending $60 billion trying to win the presidency to defeat an oligarch who's slightly worse. Yeah. All I'm saying is, Donald Trump, sure, he's the worst president we've ever had, sure. But the message with him winning the presidency All I'm saying is, Donald Trump, sure, he's the worst president we've ever had, sure.

But the message with him winning the presidency is one that is just essentially saying, any billionaire can be president, suffice that he has enough money to purchase the presidency from us. And it's basically saying, vote Bloomberg, I think that guy's rich enough to rule us. Like, Adam Winkler writes in a book called We the Corporations that the corporate striving for corporate civil rights is the most effective fight for civil rights that America has ever seen. But we don't realize it because we don't think about it in terms of civil rights. We think about it in terms of corporations slowly grabbing power from we the American people. But because they have an endless coffers of resources, endless time, and their leaders, when they die, they're immediately replaced. They can keep fighting and fighting and fighting.

And the true emancipation of the American corporation would be the purchasing, the wholesale purchasing of the American presidency from now on. So imagine, imagine. Well, now I'm getting them. Take your applause. Well, now I'm getting them. Well, take your applause. I mean, it's so stark with Bloomberg because it's so unbelievable that that man should be the president.

Imagine a non-billionaire version of a man with the charisma of Mike Bloomberg thinking he could be the president of an HOA association at a condominium. I mean, it's inconceivable. It literally could not happen. He is so far out there in terms of non-charisma, and evil in a way, but people keep going, but I think he can win against Trump. It feels to me when they say things like that, like they're

going like, I know he's not great. I know he's not the perfect candidate, but I just really think we need to get behind the bind, torture torture kill killer because he can beat Trump. At a certain point, we have to stop backing away from Trump and turn around and start walking toward the America that we want to create. We can't. That's the problem when the only political goal is defeating Donald Trump. When all you're doing is fighting a vendetta, you will literally accept any kind of foul evil as long as it's not the specific evil that you're fighting. And we have problems

in this country that are deeper than Donald Trump. Donald Trump is not the disease. Donald Trump is the explosive bloody diarrhea that you see in your bed that makes you go, oh shit, I may have a disease. If you think that Donald Trump was the

beginning of our problems, just think about this. The day before Donald Trump was elected, we were the country that was about to elect Donald Trump president. We had some problems before that. People say, well, he could defeat him. This is the guy that could defeat him.

Or no, Biden could defeat him. Or a moderate could defeat him. Or a leftist. The other quote that I heard about Donald Trump that blew my mind recently was from my wife. And she said that primaries and elections are a gamble at the best of times, the most stable of times. And Donald Trump came along and won an election, and all bets are off. So at this point, we have absolutely no idea. For the person saying Bloomberg can take it, nobody knows who can take it. So you might as well vote for the America you want to see, not the America you're afraid to let go of.

Anyway, that's it. Well, now I feel silly about ranting about people getting married in bars. You know, get married wherever you want, people. That's where I stand. It would have been interesting if the crowd started to really rustle with discomfort when you started talking about getting married in barns. Like, uh-uh, that is a great place to get married.

Laura Dern and Rachel Maddow got married in a barn. Let's spin it again. Oh, no. You guys, I suggested this. Another important topic on the docket, it's gift cards. Fortune, I put both of yours on because I wanted to hear them both. Where are my notes? Oh, God.

You know, it was a busy week, and I didn't get a chance to watch the debate. So, yeah, I have some real rants, guys. so yeah I have some real rants guys I have to say it feels so weird to go from this impassioned Bloomberg speeches to like gift cards you guys that's great it's part of it

that's why it's a wheel of fortune that's true do I really rant about gift cards I had an experience. Am I really ranting about gift cards? I had an experience where I was given a gift card and... Hold on to

your seats, Indiana. I know you flew all the way here for this. I'm like sweating right now. I'm like sweating right now I was given a gift card and I tried to use it at a restaurant but you know like

we took two friends of mine to dinner and when you take two friends to dinner and you're going to use a gift card you don't say like hey I'm going to use a gift card you try to like go to the waitress and be like hey I've got a gift card you don't say like hey i'm gonna use a gift card you try to you try to like you know go to the waitress and be like hey here's i've got a gift card and uh you know just let's between you and me because you feel like you're being cheap because you know they're acting like you're using a coupon you're not you're it's not a fucking coupon someone paid for this gift card. I didn't, but someone did. And so I don't tell my friends

we're waiting and the woman comes, the waitress comes to the table and she goes, we're having an issue. I go, what? What? And we're having an issue and we're going to figure it out and we'll be back in just a little bit to get to the bottom of it. I'm like, cool, cool, cool. And my friends were like, what was that about i was like ah well you know i don't i don't know people are weird politics right uh and then she uh she comes back and she you know they don't have the little gift cards as much anymore because if you buy them online it's a giant piece of paper uh so it's not like a cute little like it didn't look like a

credit card she's waving a paper being like we're trying to use the gift card and it's not working have you used this gift card before and i'm like no no uh it's a brand brand new gift card uh and my friends are like what i'm like ah it's a yeah we're just we're using the gift card and uh and then she goes all right i'll be back and so she leaves and then uh i finally tell my partner i'm like hey just go give her my credit card clearly there's an issue uh like just get the gift card back we'll use it another time and uh so she goes to tell the waitress hey just can i just get the gift card back. We'll use it another time. And so she goes to tell the waitress, hey, just, can I just get the gift card back? Here's our credit card. And she goes, what? No. And she comes to the table waving this paper again. I heard you didn't want to use the

gift card. And I'm just like, ha. Yeah, just give me the gift card. We'll pay for it. And whatever. My friends are like, what the fuck's going on? You would think I was using a Groupon or something. And then I finally pay the bill and I think everything's cool. I'm trying to act like nothing happened.

And then the manager then comes over and goes on a 10-minute spiel going, I heard that the gift card didn't work. We're really sorry that the gift card didn't work. Usually our gift cards totally work, but this time our gift card system is down. A lot of people don't come in here and use gift cards. It's interesting that you have a gift card. I'm like, ah!

So, yeah, I haven't used a gift card since anyway and that's and that's why you shouldn't buy an election let's end on a high note. Well, as we record this episode Thursday night, the South Carolina primary is on Saturday.

Three days after that is Super Tuesday, when 40% of the delegates will be awarded. It is here. We're about to choose our candidate. And I just want to say one more time before we really know who it's either likely going to be, likely not going to be, or if they're going to Milwaukee, to turn it into some kind of post-apocalyptic,

Twitter-fueled, Thunderdome, Mad Max, fucking The Road, Cormac McCarthy, Trees Falling, fucking iRobot, Jurassic Park, Bicentennial Man, Blade Runner. When Harry Met Sally. When Harry Met Sally. I Am Mother starring Rose Byrne for some reason.

Rats of NIMH. Rats of Nim. Rats of Tooie. Lord of the Flies. Lord of the Rings. Lord of the Rings. Terminator Part 3. Terminator Part 2. Terminator Part 2.

The best of them all. Situation. Believe it or not, we're still in a dependent clause. I want to remind everyone, now we're in it. Now we're in the heart of the sentence. M- that we are all on the same team. And we are all on the same team, even though some of the candidates

talking about a contested convention really mean it, and some of them are probably just saying it as leverage, because if they don't say it, and one of the candidates achieves an insurmountable plurality, the media will say that it's over, including some of the candidates that a lot of people like and are getting some shit about it. Just reminding everybody

that when we go into that voting booth here in California on Tuesday, or mail in our ballots, because we don't want to find out whether or not our vote was counted until sometime in the summer, that we may all go into those ballot boxes and vote for different people.

No one is sure. Everyone is uncertain. Everyone has fears that their own candidate may not be electable, and they fear the electability cases of the other candidates. No one has perfect information. No one knows all the answers. And we're all just scared, anxious people who want what's best for this country. And whoever comes out of this process, we will get behind the person, except if it's one of them. I don't mean it. I don't mean it. I don't mean it.

I've had a little too much fucking self-righteous. If Bernie wanted my support now, why were some people not supportive of Hillary back in 2016? As if Twitter eliminated the concept of two wrongs don't make a right. I would say 90% of Twitter arguments don't need to happen if we just remind everybody

that two wrongs don't make a right. Bernie did events for Hillary Clinton in 2016. Hillary Clinton did events for Barack Obama in 2008. And whatever your criticism of the way some people online talk to you, especially Bernie supporters, who occasionally have made V very sad, I don't care. I don't care what they say to me, because whether or not they like it, I'm on their team, and they're on mine. And we are all going to go, come out of Super Tuesday.

We're not going to panic. We're not going to wring our hands. We're just going to go come out of Super Tuesday. We're not going to panic. We're not going to wring our hands. We're just going to, again, as I've been saying for quite some time, we're going to approach all this with the heartiness and tight smile of night shift nurses. All right? It's not a big tent party. It's a big barn party. It's not a big tent party.

It's a big barn. It It's not a big tent party. It's a big barn. It wasn't worth the interruption. Moshe was like, pass me the ball, pass me the ball. And then I went like that. I was like, are we not playing polo? I'm sorry, different game? I was just trying to make you comfortable for your

basketball skills in summer camp, so that's why I did that. I'll tell you, here's the thing that basketball skills in summer camp. So that's why I did that. I'll tell you. Here's the thing that I never understood about basketball. What do you mean your hands are supposed to be asymmetric around the ball? It never made any sense to me. You put your hands on both sides and you throw. What is this idea of the right hand is the power hand and the left hand guides it? What are we talking about here?

What are we talking about? Never got it. Never got it. I will close with this story. This is where I'll leave you. Okay? Yeah, things are bad now. Well, I want to talk to you about a third grader named Jonathan. Who was on a basketball team because he didn't know how to say no to adults. This is why at this time he's also playing the viola.

And I had a curse as a child. It's a curse of a Democrat, and this is the curse. I kept being on incredibly good teams. Really more of a curse of a Republican. I kept being on incredibly good teams. Really more of a curse of a Republican. I kept being on really good teams. So even though I was not very good at baseball, I ended up in the baseball championships. And even though I could not physically make a basketball

touch the rim with the force of my body's muscles. Now I know what you're thinking. What do you mean? Well, I could generate the height to be rim height and I could generate some forward momentum, but I did not have the physical dexterity to achieve a hypotenuse. Couldn't do it. Never did. Do you know what it's like to be on a basketball team and everyone on the team knows

that you are the only person physically unable to help your team? Do you know how few passes you receive? Do you know what faces your teammates make when you are in for your mandatory two quarters? According to the rules of basketball little League or whatever you call it? So there we are in the finals. And, of course, because they waited

to make sure they had worked up enough of a lead, I have to go in in the fourth quarter of the city finals in Syosset. And I know what you're thinking. Yeah, we are in the Walt Whitman gym, home field advantage for me. So I'm playing basketball, sort of. We're down by a point and nobody's guarding me. Why bother? It's not necessary to guard me. And so I'm standing about where, like, you know, right in front of the foul line there,

right in a really good spot, and all of a sudden, there's some shenanigans amongst the good players who could dribble, and no one's around me. I'm alone. And then there's the ball. Bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce,

touches between my feet. And I pick it up and there's no one around. And all I need to do is throw this ball as hard as I can and make this basket and I will have helped my team and I will have perhaps won the game. Now I'd like to tell you that this is the story of a boy who threw with all his might and for the first time made a basket.

But that is not the world we live in. That's a world where Hillary Clinton is currently dealing with her own impeachment. is currently dealing with her own impeachment. And I would like to tell you that we live in a sad and broken world where I threw the ball with all my might and I airballed it and everybody laughed and I felt shame about my failure to make the basket for the rest of my life.

We don't live in that world either. I panicked. I stood there and I held the ball and I panicked. And all of a sudden I look around and all the other players are standing still looking at me. And one of the one of the athletic handsome boys whose name at the time I cared about deeply said said, huh. And so I passed it to him. The point is, everybody vote. I want to thank Fortune Femster,

Moshe Kosher. I want to thank Improv. There are 247 days until the election. Please sign up at votesaveamerica.com right now. Thanks for coming out, and good night. Oh, I have a brand new stand-up tour called The Royal Family Tour with my wife and a brand new crowd work album called Crowd Surfing.

You can get them both on my website, MosheKasher.com. Wait. I've got a Netflix special right now. Check out our Netflix special. And I'm on tour at FortuneBeamster.com. Lover Leave It is a product of Crooked Media. It is written and produced by me, John Lovett, Elisa Gutierrez, Lee Eisenberg, and our head writer, former Mike Bloomberg speechwriter, Travis Helwig.

Jocelyn Kaufman, Alicia Carroll, and Peter Miller are the writers. Bill Lance is our audio editor, and Stephen Colon is our sound engineer. Sydney Rapp is our assistant producer, and August Dichter is our intern. Our theme song is written and performed by Sure Sure. Thank you.