Lovett or Leave It - Pence's Christmas Miracle

Episode Date: August 5, 2023

Lovett Or Leave It is hotter than hell this week at Los Angeles’ beautiful Dynasty Typewriter theater. Lovett and Ify Nwadiwe heat things up with a journey through Diablo 4. Luenell roasts Ron DeSantis so hard, his white go-go boots melt onto the Florida asphalt. RK Russell grills Lovett on professional football, not to mention the sexual orientation of NFL mascots, and we beat the heat, but not the legal consequences, of a new end game, Class Action Hero. For a closed-captioned version of this episode, click here. For a transcript of this episode, please email [e-mail] and include the name of the podcast.

What's up, everybody? Welcome. There we are. Can you guys hear me? Yeah! Thank goodness. Welcome to Love It or Leave It. We're back in L.A., and thank God,

because New York is disgusting. We've got a great show for you tonight. Your favorite and mine, Lunel, is back. It's Judge Ron DeSantis. Ivi Wadiwe is here to see if he can tell the difference between quotes from the Bible, quotes from the Resistance, and quotes from our shared obsession, Diablo 4. And R.K. Russell is here.

He played football professionally, if you can believe it. And then, in light of the class action lawsuit against Taco Bell, we'll each try to convince you to sign on to the lawsuits of our own Because it's hot litigation summer But first, let's get into it What a week Noelle Dunphy's lawyer has filed new transcripts that bolster her lawsuit accusing Rudy Giuliani of sexual assault and abuse The details of which ensure that Giuliani will never beat the big ol' fuckin' weirdo allegations

According to one transcript, Giuliani said the following to Dunphy on March 12th, 2019, and I quote, come here, big tits. Come here, big tits. Your tits belong to me. Give them to me. Indiscernible. I want to claim my tits. I want to claim my tits. I want to claim my tits. These are my tits. Not to kink shame, but should Giuliani kill himself? Why does he sound like a studio executive trying to write an episode of Mad Men during the writer's strike? Ugh, too far, said the eye-popping cartoon wolf with his tongue rolled out like wet red stairs. In August of 2019, Giuliani also told Dunphy that even her intelligence was a turn-on, which was a departure for him. I never think about a girl being smart.

If you told me a girl was smart, I would often think she's not attractive. And he's single. In another recording, Giuliani claimed that Matt Damon is gay, in the most offensive and bizarre terms possible, saying this, Matt Damon is a fag. Matt Damon is also 5'2", eyes are blue, coochie-coochie-coo. A lot of people thought, what is this? Here's what this is.

5'2", eyes of blue. But oh, what those five foot could do. Has anybody seen my gal? Could she mouth? Could she move? Could she, could she, could she coo? Has anybody seen my gal? Is there anything more chilling than a drunk Rudy Giuliani trying to claim your tits like he just got a ball in the hoop at a state fair while singing homophobic parody versions of jazz standards from the literal 1920s?

That is a nightmare. That is a literal nightmare. If you describe that to your therapist, they wouldn't say, oh, I'm so sorry that happened to you. They would say, you had a terrible dream. Anyway, this isn't why Rudy will be charged for federal crime, but this is why he should die in prison. In addition to complaining about Jewish holidays and how Jews need to get over the Passover,

as previously reported, Giuliani also claimed that Jewish men have small dicks compared to Italians. Sex with Jews, it's terrible in such small portions. You either get to have the biggest penises or the Nobel Prizes, but it's not going to be both. You don't spend all day smashing atoms together if you have a huge dick. Not saying it's small, but it's just not going to be huge. And on Tuesday, Donald Trump was charged with four felonies related to his, I can't believe that's the second story. And on Tuesday, Donald Trump charged with four felonies related to his plot to overturn the 2020

election. They are conspiracy to defraud the U.S., conspiracy to obstruct an official proceeding, conspiracy against rights, specifically the civil right to have your vote counted, and obstructing or attempting to obstruct an official proceeding. It's crazy when something you've waited for for so long actually finally happens. I haven't felt like this since Tommy let me hold his hand during a recording. That was a dream. Media outlets immediately identified five of Trump's co-conspirators, including all of your favorite garbage pail kids, like Rudy, John Eastman, Sidney Powell,

and former Justice Department official Jeffrey Clark. In response to being identified as co-conspirator number one, Rudy Giuliani went nuts on Newsmax on Tuesday night, suggesting it was Jack Smith who should be charged. The people lying, but the people bringing this, and this count they have here, conspiracy against rights, they should be indicted for conspiracy against rights for bringing this indictment.

Giuliani also called the constitutionality of the proceedings into question, claiming Jack Smith is interfering with his right to claim his tits. That can't be right. Giuliani is all over this 45-page indictment, bumbling through numerous attempts to convince Republican officials to go along with Trump's plan to overturn the election. When Giuliani tried to leave a voicemail for Alabama Senator Tommy Tuberville, urging him to delay the certification, he accidentally called the wrong senator who leaked the message to reporters. Giuliani allegedly did this again in another message intended for another U.S. senator, which presumably also went to the wrong person. Imagine your boss gets

indicted for several felonies and you're listed as a co-conspirator. And also it includes that time you tried to text your friend on a date with this guy and he won't shut the fuck up about Avatar, but you accidentally texted the guy and you see his phone light up right there on the table, and then the spinach dip arrives. I want you to know something. That originally said entree, but everyone was afraid I would say entry, because I read everything phonetically like Ron Burgundy. When the Arizona House speaker demanded evidence of fraudulent votes, Giuliani reportedly admitted, we don't have the evidence, but we have a lot of theories. And in that way, I, Rudy Giuliani, am like Einstein, the Einstein of being a pervert with walnut colored teeth. Meanwhile, Trump's lawyer, John Loro, went on Fox News to soft pitch Trump's

legal defense. He genuinely believed he had won the election. I would like them to try to prove beyond a reasonable doubt that Donald Trump believed that these allegations were false. No sitting president has ever been criminally charged for his views for taking a position. And none has to this day. It's an unbroken record. The indictment, of course, says clearly that Trump was free to make any claim

he wanted about election interference. And the indictment says, clearly, it wouldn't be illegal for him to make up a bunch of shit and lie about the outcome of an election. I feel like I'm in outer space. You don't get to just be like, I actually thought all your organs were my organs because of my organs.

Because of my theory. No, that's not how it works. On Christmas Day, Mike Pence called Donald Trump to wish him a happy holiday, only for Trump to immediately change the topic to January 6th and insist that his VP could refuse to ratify the votes. Pence, who had already repeatedly rejected Trump's claim, said, you know I don't think I have the authority to change the outcome. Pence then resolutely plowed forward

with his annual rendition of Little Drummer Boy, singing louder and louder as tears streamed down his cheeks and Trump shouted that he was a useless, limp dick, son of a bitch. This phone call, of course, is deeply disturbing and I think it has all of us asking the same question. Why the fuck would you call your boss on Christmas? What is wrong with you? Leave work at work, Mike. That is the saddest part of the whole indictment. Trump should call Mike Pence on Christmas.

Just saying, if you're going to call, I mean, Pence is just waiting, waiting, waiting. Four o'clock, five o'clock, six o'clock. What's too late for him to call me? Then six days later, don't feel bad. All these people should die in jail. And then six days later on January 1st, Trump called Pence to chew him out again, this time for opposing a lawsuit which sought to establish the VP's right to reject electoral votes. When Pence once again pointed out that there is no constitutional basis for this claim,

Trump told him, you're too honest. As if he knew that it was dishonest. It's also bad timing. It's January 1st. Of course, everyone's still sticking to their New Year's resolutions to uphold the Constitution. When asked about Trump's indictment, Mike Pence decided to do some hanging of his own. Anyone who puts themselves over the Constitution should never be president of the United States. And anyone who asks someone else to put themselves over the Constitution should never be president of the United States again. Sadly, the president was surrounded by a group of crackpot lawyers that kept telling him what his itching ears wanted to hear. Would a crackpot lawyer do this, yelled Rudy Giuliani, revealing that his dick was stuck in a vending machine?

As expected, what the fuck is itching ears? Where did Mike Pence learn to talk? His itching ears. What a freak. I know he's like a hero in this, but still. What a freak. I know he's like a hero in this, but still. Vivek Ramaswamy, the Republican candidate for president, has since sued the Department of Justice and requested information surrounding the indictment be made public. Said Ramaswamy, my aim in bringing this lawsuit is to finally deliver accountability and transparency. What did Biden and his cronies tell Garland and what did Garland and the deep staters who put him in as attorney general tell Jack Smith? Meanwhile, Senator Tim Scott attempted to pivot the conversation to Hunter Biden in his response to the indictment saying, what we see today are two different tracks of justice,

one for the political opponents and another for the son of the current president. It's interesting that the two defenses conservatives are coming out with are, but what about Hunter Biden's naked dick? And if a man is stupid enough, he can't commit a crime. Because do you think we've seen Hunter Biden's dick because he's smart? It's a thinker. Former Republican gubernatorial candidate, Carrie Lake, has called on all Republican presidential candidates to drop out of the race and support Donald Trump, saying this latest indictment is the line in the sand. The house is on fire. Quickly, everyone, throw your valuables inside. So wise, so smart, agreed Trump. Everyone listened to, I want to say,

Janet. What's your name again, sweetheart? Chinese regulators have proposed new rules that would bar minors from using their smartphones for more than two hours per day. What a disgusting, tyrannical state. Here in America, we don't tell our kids they need to get off their phones. You're not allowed to bring your phone onto the factory floor anyway. Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau announced Wednesday that he and his wife Sophie will separate after 18 years of marriage. Per Canadian law, in order to legally separate, the two will have to face each other in court going, sorry, sorry, sorry.

Back and forth for an hour straight like a Meisner exercise. Anyway, if you're in line to fuck Justin Trudeau, stay in line. Taylor Swift gave bonuses totaling over $55 million to everyone working on her Eros tour from dancers to caterers, which is just 5% of the gross, Brian.

Listen. Is that my fault? Which is just 5% of the gross, Brian. Would that have been better? Fuck it. Cut it. You know what the problem was? I'll tell you the joke problem there.

I didn't remind you all that we do a tour, you know, because this isn't a tour show. Yeah, that's the problem was? I'll tell you the joke problem there. I didn't remind you all that we do a tour, you know, because this isn't a tour show. Yeah, that's the problem. Lizzo is reportedly being sued. Thinking of jobs that could be worse, Lizzo is reportedly... Lizzo is reportedly being sued by former background dancers who alleged the singer created a hostile work environment

and forced the dancers to touch nude performers in Amsterdam's red light district. Just to be clear, when I asked my staff to eat a eat a banana out of a stripper's vagina, it is exclusively because I'm concerned about their potassium levels. I don't want, I don't want people to get a Charlie horse.

Anyway, I just took a DNA test and turns out I'm 100% not interested in the complicated feelings we all have about this story. A New York man has filed a lawsuit against Taco Bell accusing the fast food chain of deceiving customers about the amount of beef in their menu items. So that's why I feel terrible after eating two chalupas and a Mexican pizza,

the unfairness of it all. And finally, oh no, scientists have discovered fossils from a giant ancient whale in Peru that may have been heavier than the blue whale, which would make it the heaviest animal to have ever lived. The whale has been dubbed your mom. The animal

apparently asked his doctor for an ooooh, zempic prescription. ooooh, zempic. Alright. When we come back, hell is grinding for gear and Diablo hey don't go anywhere there's more of love it or leave it coming up and we're back

are video games just for boys absolutely not are video games for these boys? They sure are. Please welcome to the stage me, myself, and... What does that even mean? Me, myself, and Ify Wadiwe. Hi. How are you?

Good, and yourself? I'm good. How close do you want me to sit? I can sit all the way over here. Sit right next to me. All right, cool. Get in here. Get in here.

First, before we get into this, do you understand what Diablo 4 is? No. want me to sit i can sit right next to me all right get in here get in here um first before we get into this do you understand what diablo 4 is no someone confidently said no too like like no and i don't want you to explain it to me don't you think it's interesting they chose to answer verbally and not with any kind of applause yeah yeah no no because what because what what would the applause be like if they clapped? They would or wouldn't know? Maybe that's on me. Yeah. Applaud if you know

what Diablo 4 is. So you and I are both playing Diablo 4. Yes. What kind of character are you playing? So, you know, on the original, you know, the eternal realm, I was playing a druid. And now I'm playing a necromancer. Nice. Yeah. So you're doing the season.

Yeah, yeah. I'm doing the season of the malignant. Shout out to James Wan. I can't bring myself to start the season until I've finished my first character. Yeah. I want to do every side quest every single one that's wrong right yeah like i was really looking through all of the achievements they have and i was like oh this is like you'd have to be like just this is your life now because

yeah it determines it determines like the way you play like i example, I play Druid, but the one that turns into a bear and a werewolf because we all got a little furry in us. Or we'd like some. Yeah. But then there's achievements for the other, like the lightning abilities, the elemental abilities. And I was like, I'm not going to change the way I'm playing this just to get the achievement. But you're saying you will. I didn't know there was a way to not play to earn whatever the game tells me I need to earn. Oh, yeah.

That's how I was in school, too. So you were a completionist. Yes. Yeah, I'm just doing what needs to be done to get it done. And then moving on to that, like, I want to be the hero, see the credit roll, and then I'll roll another character. Now, let me ask you this. When you go to a restaurant, do you read the menu till you get to something you want and stop? Or do you read the menu, pick three, as you go, note the things that could be the winner, but read every single page, even if it's like a long menu at a famous chain restaurant for having a long menu.

I'll preface this by saying before the strike, when I had money, I just order anything I want. Like I am a massive let out that put everything on the table. If I wanted it, I'm going to eat it. And I'll finish it. And I'll get everything. But I don't need to, like my girlfriend, she likes to read the menu before I get there. I'm like, no, I'm going to see what speaks to me. Because I'm good at ordering. I've had exes that are bad at ordering and then they want to taste my thing.

And I was like, no. You ordered poorly. I don't want to taste your thing. Were you raised Christian? Catholic.olic yeah my dad's nigerian um and so he like he was like all about catholicism and then my mom was baptist so then i was going it was like two different vibes uh you know one was like diablo 4 and the other one was cool uh which is the one that's like diablo 4 catholic school all that penance and all the suffering and all the telling the priest your problems is that what it feels like when you play diablo 4 is that what it reminds you of yes when i'm looking at like all of the like

zacharoon church things we have not explained this game to anyone you know here's the thing the stupidest aspect of the whole thing is that it's called diablo yeah it's because you have to understand that this is a very self-serious universe in which you are in which heaven and hell are battling in a land called sanctuary but because it's from an the original ip the original idea is from an older era the biggest villain in the whole game is called diablo not the devil not the devil yeah it's just diablo yeah and there's all these ways they're they all say it like it's like not the spanish word for devil yeah yeah no they say it like it's its own thing like they definitely yeah yeah it's definitely they definitely you know whited it up. They're like, we're going to take this. This is our word now.

We're all about it. But just to try and guide some folks in here, if you're familiar with D&D fantasy stuff, it's like a grim, dark world. It's very much like everyone here is in pain, and it's because we are in an eternal battle between heaven and hell. And no spoilers, but it is a world created between the, like, it's not even earth. It's, it's the special world created by the heaven and hell. And we are all Nephilim, which are, you know, children of an angel and a demon. angel and a demon uh and in that you somehow uh are are one of these huge classes like a druid a sorcerer a rogue uh who uh you know in one moment you are fighting back demons from hell

who like through every cut scene was like we don't know what's gonna happen if this demon comes and then when it comes you fight it and kill it and they're like damn you tight uh and then five minutes later you get beaten within an inch of your life from a guy who's called arsonist so like yes and in order to save the world what you have to do is repetitively fight rooms full of randomly generated monsters over and over and over again with a level of monotony and repetition that if you don't, if you saw, if you just saw what we have done with our time, when we play this game, you would be disgusted we could have read books yeah but did we no we could have written poems oh i have uh i i'm like more than three-fourths through about love by bill hooks and uh in that time i've beat diablo twice meanwhile i'm like i'm gonna read this in the airport and i'm like no i'll play zelda i guess i have five pages left of issue guru's

lesser work and it's just sitting next to my bed those five pages those are the heaviest fucking pages in the goddamn world i can't turn them. I can't turn them. Not when there's a demon spawn to shoot at and earn even better helms. Yeah. It sounds like QAnon. It is a little like QAnon in the sense that the further we descend into this, the less the people around us want to be around us.

Oh, yeah. And are you playing solo by yourself? Yes. I occasionally, as alone as a person can be, is how I play it. But I will occasionally be in the world, and there'll be a person run by, and I'll do the, hey, stranger.

Yeah. Not talking, like in the game, I'll press a button. I don't exchange actual words. But to, you know, come, hey, stranger. Yeah. Not talking, like in the game, I'll press a button. I don't exchange actual words. But to, you know, come, hey, fight a dungeon with me. Huh? Yeah. You know, that's what I'll do. Yeah, no, me and my girlfriend, we do couch co-op and play it.

So our household is in shambles. So what's your favorite game? Oh, I'm a Monster Hunter guy. I like Monster Hunter. I started from playing Monster Hunter Freedom on the PSP and I got it because you used to be able to hack your PSP. And I remember that I was

just getting out of high school and I needed to waste time because I didn't graduate. College. I graduated high school. That's why I'm a comedian. But I went to this guy's house. It was real shady because it was on craigslist he's like i'll hack your psp for you but it was a kid my age oh thank goodness yeah and we vibed and he was like i'm gonna show you

how to hack this and i was like this is a bad business model because now i don't need you anymore i can't tell you he taught you to fish yeah yeah but i didn't that's too much work but that's when i started playing monster hunter oh but that was another game where it was like you can collect the different things but it was even more bare bones because the game is the title you hunt monsters you use their parts to build new armor and weapons and then you hunt bigger monsters that's it huh i like bioshock do you think we're actually living in a video game because uh have you seen this clip of someone informing the non-playable characters in the matrix awaken game that they're in a video game no my story is basically that you're an ai oh

what do you mean by that you're an npc in a video game. That sounds frightening. Is that the truth? It's the sad truth. I see. This is a lot to take in. Are there any other answers I should know? Um, not really. This is very overwhelming. I'm not sure what to think or feel right now. Yeah, I mean, you're not really real.

That's hard to process. Does this mean I don't exist? Yeah, I mean, you're not really real. Um, you exist, sort of. It means that, you know, after I close this game, is running that's difficult to comprehend is that us? are we in that? that's definitely not us that's wild because that means that they had a contingency for it they had a string of text they really thought

which I get it I write video games some dick is gonna be like you're a npc and ruin play the game i've made a whole story and now you're talking to the npc you tell them they're not real i mean that was funny but you're not playing the game yeah i made you all this pasta. You eating the parmesan. Now it's time for a game called the Diablos and the Details. Here's how it works.

You're going to have to decide if this is a quote from the Bible, Diablo, or a resistance tweet about Trump following his indictment on Tuesday. Are you ready? Yes. Hope will be swallowed by despair. Death at last shall spread its wings over all. I'm going to say that's Diablo 4.

Correct. It may be from the Diablo series. When you have already sold a piece of your soul, you have to sell the whole thing to avoid admitting you sold anything in the first place. I'm going to say that's the resistance. Correct. That was Adam Kinzinger.

I have spent decades trying to understand the forces at work in this world, but in the face of all that is transpiring, I realize how meager my knowledge is. Diablo. Correct. Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes.

That is the Bible. Yep, that's the Bible. Evil has survived. A dark figure wanders in the east. He must be stopped at all costs. That is the resistance tweet. Nope, that's Diablo. Wow.

I thought that was about Ron DeSantis. All right. What we do with our world is up to us. Today we celebrate, tomorrow we fight. Okay, that is the resistance tweet. That's correct. We do not see what has been done. We only see what remains to be done.

Is that the Bible? That's Diablo. We didn't know each other, but we knew the stakes. Most of us never met in person, but we considered each other friends. In all this darkness, and in the darkness still ahead, we stand together. Ooh, this one's a hard one. I'm going to say the Bible. That's a resistance tweet.

Okay. I was working with probability in that one. I wasn't using my brain that okay let's go hey hey hey you're doing great you're not hey we're not npcs yeah i don't know you gotta you gotta see me in about 30 minutes on tiktok i'm gonna turn into one ice cream yummy yummy ice cream oh yummy yummy ice cream. Hot dogs. Mmm. Yummy. Yeah.

It is funny how it started off with people being like, that's dumb. You make how much? I'm doing it. You know? That's the chilling part. It's the person being like, this is insane. But if you see me doing it, don't say anything. Yeah.

And then the next thing you know, you're like, right, I'm cowboy. Yum, yum, yum. Final. Finally. We are fighting against pure evil. The end of times is drawing near make your choice oh that's the bible that is a mega tweet ify thank you so much for being here uh what do you want to plug uh you know there's i can't plug anything because you know there but if you happen to look online retweet all the stuff about the strikes the resource let's get them back to the table uh hell yeah i'm looking tory fuck the amp

tp they can lick my balls uh do you know that they negotiate at the sherman oaks galleria what a punishment i had no idea not even the glendale gallery no like i was hoping i was that dead fucking mall where there's a cheesesteak factory and nothing yeah no that's the real prison that's how you know they're evil you know my god they even the arc light's now a regal it's such a nightmare in there oh they don't have m&ms i mean they don't have reese's pieces what are they doing up there i want no reese's pieces is this even a movie theater no no it's not and we gotta move on the segment's over but you know at the AMC they have Nicole Kidman

the god forsaken intro that the people at the Regal shot oh do not get me started because I've been a rowdy Regal writer for a minute and as an actor in LA a lot of my friends are in that opening and I gotta tell y'all I'm glad y'all got the check, but fuck that.

I mean, like. It sucks. Because like. It sucks. Well, here's why. And I'm going to tell you why, because it's something we discuss in game design. When we write for video games, the trick is to write a line that gets the point across, is memorable enough, but not too memorable because you're going to hear it so often.

So if you have a whole movie intro of movie quotes, then eventually, like the first time I was like, ah, third time you're like, okay, and then 10th time on you hate it because you know everything that's coming. Nicole Kidman, you never know what's going to happen when she sits there. You know, heartbreak feels good at a place like this.

Do you know what they play at the beginning of Vidiot's movies? No, what do they play? Why did I put the mic in your face? You have your mic. It was, honestly, you took over. And it was like, maybe we should co-op on the couch. That's what I thought. All right.

Thank you, Ify. When you come back, Lunel is here. That was great. That was great. Thank you. And we're back. Please welcome back to the show, the incredible Lunel.

Come on. It's so good to see you. What a treat. I always know we're going to have a good time. Yes, let's so good to see you. What a treat. I always know we're going to have a good time. Yes, let's hope so. First of all, for people listening, look at these royal crocs. You can't say for people listening,

look at these royal crocs. God damn it. I got on some Crocs. I got a lot of bling on them. But I don't, like, I was very against Crocs. I think they make your feet look like Minnie and Mickey Mouse feet. I did not like them until during the Rona, I found this little girl on Instagram, and she blinged them out.

Then during Rona, I had double knee replacement surgery. So these are really good for support and going through the airport, and plus they're fly, which I clearly am. So, after being abandoned by one-third of his staff and continuing to trail future felon donald trump disastrously in the polls we thought it was time ron de santis had a come to jesus moment or even better a come to lunel moment now we'd like to get your candid opinion on ron de santis's public performance by which we mean let's, let's take a look at what happens when Ron DeSantis interacts with voters in a segment we're calling Ron DeSantis Human Candidate.

Have you seen Ron DeSantis interacting with people in the real world? Have you seen what happens when he tries to talk to a person? I try not to. Yeah, I mean, I have, but he's so... It upsets me. You know, very much so. I try to not

intentionally do things that upset me, like watching Ron DeSantis. We're saying his name a whole lot. I feel like it's like Beetlejuice. He's gonna pop the fuck out. That'd be cool. Wouldn't it be interesting if he was here?

It would be interesting. First up, we have Ron DeSantis having a brewski and laughing with potential voters on the campaign trail. Do you want to have a beer with that guy? Not really. Do you see the way when he turns away and his smile goes away? Yeah, it's very dismissive. I don't like it.

I mean, you know, he's clearly an asshole. And, you know, I wouldn't be surprised if you had a hooker, a boy, and a vial of cocaine up in this hotel room right after this. I'm just saying I wouldn't be surprised. Two out of three of those seem fine to me. Yeah, the cocaine and the boy. Jesus. All right. Well, so

that was actually Ron DeSantis' new and improved laugh. Because he busted a gut on the campaign earlier, and so there was this moment in Sioux Falls, Iowa. That's nice. How much is that worth? I don't know.

It's not. You scolded me like 15 seconds ago about how you can't say. I'm doing that to you, not to the audience. They just happen to be here, but you get it. So, listening audience, I was making cocaine gestures when he went... Like that, I put my fingernail up to my nostril

as to imply that I was doing cocaine like Ron DeSantis clearly is. In this classic Ronnie D moment, the Governor of Florida turned up... Ronnie D? Is that what we're gonna call him? We can call him whatever you like. I like that. You like Ronnie D? Yeah. He turned a Hurricane

Ian relief event into this misguided photo op. Let's take a look. So he's in a vest and he has these white boots. Are those galoshes? We just call them boots. That's a tough look. He only wears clothes with his name on it,

which I think is cool. There are no words for this wardrobe malfunction. I don't know what to say. He reminds me of a go-go dancer on Laugh-In about 45 years ago. They're too young to know what Laugh-In is, but... Goldie Hawn just, like, shivered, to be compared.

There's other people on Laugh-In besides Goldie Hawn. Okay, I thought it was still a good pull. That was a good pull, though. Yeah, you could tell by the reaction, right? You killed with that one. You know, when we tweeted that you were coming on the show, one common response was, why does she keep coming back?

My publicist is back there with me, and I don't know. Y'all keep inviting me. I don't know any of them. They don't know any of me. They don't talk to me. I don't talk to them. Would you eat pudding with three fingers?

And if you did, would you later go on Piers Morgan to claim you didn't? Let's roll the clip. Have you ever eaten a chocolate pudding with three fingers? I don't remember ever doing that. I'm telling you, maybe when I was a kid, but it's interesting. You know, there's a lot of people when you're, when they go at you, sometimes they have like really good ammunition. Like you're a crook. You did this, you did that. For me, they're talking about pudding. Like, is that really the best you got? Okay. So he was, there was a story about the fact that he was on a plane and they didn't have a spoon. So he just ate the pudding with his fingers. And it was a story about how weird he is. fingers and it was a story about how weird he is and my question is what three fingers do you think it's do you think i mean the natural would just be

you know pointer middle ring but what if you did it the european way you know like they count different maybe they you know what i mean what do you think well of all, clearly I wouldn't be eating any pudding with these well-manicured nails. First of all. Second of all, a real man, a real man would take the cup of pudding and just lick it out the bowl. He wouldn't try to eat pudding with his fingers. And Pierce was, what, intimate? That's the best. I'm with DeSantis on that one.

That's the best he could come up with to ask him? He has him in front of him and he asks him an asinine question like that? Yeah, that's a good point. No, he should have asked, you know, like, let's say I was to interview Ron DeSantis. I'd be like, is your narcissism based on your immensely small penis size? Isn't that a more prevalent question? There's no good answer to that question. No, Ron DeSantis ain't got no big dick. He There's no good answer to that question.

No, Rhonda Sanders ain't got no big dick. He ain't fucking the shit out of nobody. Clearly. Plus the cocaine, you know. You were asking the previous guest to, all black people don't know each other. I don't know these motherfuckers back here. I've never even been here with two black people ever.

But I ain't never been in agreement with three black people when I came here ever, and you know it. So when you asked him, was he Christian? Like, you know, I wouldn't have answered that question on none of your motherfucking business. But I didn't ask you. You just asked him. We may not know each other, but we still black. I got his back.

But the game has Christian overtones. Huh? What? You see Barbie? Huh? Do you see Oppenheimer? No, I don't go to the movies because I work so much, I'm so extremely tired that even at premieres of my own movies, I fall asleep.

So I don't go to the movies. I mean, I did Power. I haven't even watched it. Which is a, you know, travesty in the black community. I'm going to catch up one day. I got to see Barbie first. Any else you want to talk about? Have you seen Barbie?

I have seen Barbie. Of course you have. What did you wear? You know, a lot of people dress up when they go see Barbie. I wore a, I did wear a pink shirt. Of course you did. But I mean, what did you wear to go see Barbie? You know I love you, though. I'd just be fucking with with you i love it i this is my joy i look forward to this and then i keep calling me back i'm like they want me back again here's the thing when

they when they gonna get sick of me okay never gonna get sick of you okay i also enjoy being bullied this works out perfectly. Boy, if I got a boy for you. Oh, my God. This is going to be, this is turning into. You like being bullied? These motherfucking cars. What else you like? Now we talking about something.

Now you in my lane. Now we talking about. What do you like? I can't. Listen, this show, all right, is body positive, sex negative. That's our sweet spot. You want to get your cards back? Did I throw you?

No, I'm just enjoying it. Okay, okay. We're going to freestyle like rappers. Lunel, everybody. Okay, okay. We're going to freestyle like rappers. Lunel, everybody. Am I done? I'm done? For now, for now.

You'll be back. No, no. I got kicked. You're kicking me off. I would never. Oh, okay. I get it. It's all right.

No, stay as long as you want. No, I went too far. No, you didn't. No, that's fine. We're just out of time. It's a podcast. You should have cut one of them other black people and let me have two segments. Two seconds ago, you were like,

I got their backs because we're all black. Now you're trying to bump them from the fucking show. Hey. What the hell? That's the way comedy works. That's Hollywood. That's Hollywood. That's Hollywood.

That's why we're striking. That is why we're striking. You should have talked about that. What do you mean I should have? What do you want to say about it? I want to say that it is long overdue. I want to say that comedians continue to work because we don't have a union. People don't know that comedians don't have a union.

union. People don't know that comedians don't have a union. We've tried to have unions before and struck at the comedy store and at the Laugh Factory. And they're like, if you don't want to do it, there's somebody right behind you wants to do it. So we don't care. Comedians don't have health care. They don't have anything unless they become actors. Then they can join SAG and AFTRA and stuff like that if you make enough money to even do that I support them I would be out there picketing but you know I wear a lot of jewelry and I don't like to be in the sun but I I support them from afar you know and I think it's really shitty I've seen them picketing and then the day, I saw on Instagram where the city or somebody came and cut the branches off the trees so they would have no shade. This is going to get dirtier before it gets better,

and I just hope that y'all realize what we're striking for and that we deserve to get money because the deals that everybody made was before streaming or before any of this, and they did not renegotiate contracts. So as you're laying up watching everything at night, who gets the money? It's not us. So that's what we're striking for, and I support that. What's the website where people can go to get your tour dates?

To get my what? Your tour dates. Oh. my what? Your tour dates. Oh. I thought you said something else. I do have OnlyFans, you know. Or the OnlyFans, whatever you want people to go to. Oh, my. Okay, never mind.

Come to my Instagram. It's Lunell, at Lunell, at L-U-E-N-E-L-L. And if you hit me in my DM, I'll give you the link to the OnlyFans. Lunell, at Lunell, at L-U-E-N-E-L-L. And if you hit me in my DM, I'll give you the link to the OnlyFans. Lunell, everybody. We'll be right back. Don't go anywhere. This is Love It or Leave It,

and there's more on the way. And we're back. We're about to do something absolutely shocking on the Love It or Leave It stage tonight. Talk about sports. Don't worry, we're talking about sports with a queer person. I'm not going to go completely off, Fran. I know which side my bread is buttered on, the gay side.

Please put your hands together for author and former NFL star R.K. Russell. Thanks for being here. Thanks for being here. Thanks for being here. Come on in. How do people usually do this? No, you did whatever you want. That's great. There we go.

Okay, I'm good. Okay. So, first of all, you have a new memorial called The Yards Between Us. Yes. And in it, you talk about coming out to a friend in college. And what I want to know is when did you first realize you had these feelings and actually liked football? I mean, it was tricky. Everyone was telling me that I was a basketball player

and that... No, I mean, seriously, it's... I think football is such a big opportunity, especially where I grew up in Dallas, Texas, that to walk around the school as big as I am and not play, like play offended people in some way.

Coaches were literally chasing me down the hallway, asking me why I wasn't on the team, why I wasn't practicing. And yeah, after just hours of countless stalking and harassment, I decided to give it a try. And I loved it. So it all worked out. Wow.

And then you were just good at it. And everyone was like, wow, you're good at this. Yeah, actually, that's exactly how it went. And so like when you played, let's say, a sport, it wasn't like, oh, the rules say we have to let him play a little bit. No. No? No. So you... No. They were like, play as long as you can.

I mean, yeah, you were supposed to pass classes, but then they were giving you A's on stuff that you were doing D work on. I'm smart, though, so I'm okay. But, yeah, that's an issue often in football wow even in math yeah

you played for the Dallas Cowboys and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers which are two teams you're gonna kill this trivia later did you see a change in how the players talked about gay people even during your time? Did you notice, do you observe any shift?

Because you talk a lot about how the culture is changing, but maybe a little bit slower in the world of professional sports. Yeah, definitely. I think especially early on having so many different generations in professional football, because that's the thing. In high school or in grade school, everyone except probably the coaches are of similar mindset, similar age. There's TikTok. There's a lot of information out there, a lot of learning. The youth is actually, in a lot of ways, way smarter than the generations before, us included. way smarter than the generations before us included.

But in the NFL, it's like, you got those 80 year old, you know, coaches, you have 35 year old family men, you have younger people. Like there's so many different generations and layers of football that there are so many different opposing views,

topics, discussions. So it's definitely, I think a spectrum in, in the game. I will say that in Dallas, there's so much emphasis on being a certain type of football player, a big,

tough, strong, masculine player that, that breeds into the sports specifically there. A lot of the young players in sports, people are looking up to the NFL players for more than just the touchdown celebrations and the Tik TOK dances, but for what they actually value on and off the field.

And I think there's a huge opportunity there to have a conversation that's not really being had. One thing that I felt as I've gotten older is trying to understand not just football. And now I do. Check that one off. But no, but that, like looking back and trying to figure out where in subtle ways, even in ways I didn't understand that I was allowing a lot of internalized homophobia or internalized like notions of masculinity to cause me to change how I would act and trying to understand the distinction between moments where it is natural to have a say, you know, my voice gets a bit gayer when I'm at a gay bar than when I'm talking about a politics, a policy issue, interviewing somebody, right? Like it's not, but I don't think of it as pretending to be something I'm not in that moment, though maybe a little bit I am. And I'm wondering how you've thought about

what it was like to be on these teams and how much of it, where is the line between they're just different versions of you and I am covering or pretending, like where is the line between they're just different versions of you and i am covering or pretending like where is that line oh my i think the line changes i think it varies i think there are days where things feel very much like they are from me and from my soul and and a creation of who i am and i think a lot of things are curated um things that I brought into my own personality, my own existence, hobbies, whatever it may be, characteristics that for a lot of it as a child was about survival, was about being accepted. You even talk about changing the way that you speak and in code switching in that way. I mean, a lot of that is just from a young person wanting to be heard. I don't want to speak and get laughter or hate because then you're not hearing my message. So I think one, the first step for me in seeing where that line is to not judge

it. Because I think the opposite end of the spectrum from being this kind of like maybe more oblivious person, not understanding how internalized phobia is affecting them, then going to the opposite end of like shaming yourself for going through what we've all gone through just growing up here in America regardless of our sexuality or our identity we've all experienced that in some way so I think it's about understanding that and then understanding that the line can switch and vary and honestly sometimes it's not that important sometimes if you like something that isn't traditionally gay or bisexual or queer and you got it from somewhere, who knows, unhealthy, healthy, family member, hobby, if you enjoy it, if it's not hurting you or anyone else,

it kind of doesn't matter, in my opinion. What I was thinking about is just football is a lot of performance of masculinity, even if you're not trying to sleep with guys. performance of masculinity even if you're not trying to sleep with guys uh and i like don't know where like if you know or feel like you know where that collective performance that every guy is gonna do in a game that's about toughness and proving how strong you are where that ends and where you felt like no i'm hiding from these other people what's really going on. It's so much I think about how we view men and how we view boys. Because, I mean, that's the thing about football specifically. It's all about what kind of man you are.

And it's a sport. It's a game. And even at a profession, no other job really does that for you. You know, you can be a comedian isn is necessarily about how much of a man you are or a teacher or a writer or anything. But football, we directly link it in a lot of male sports directly to the type of man and the type of person that you are. And when we do that, especially at a young age, when we don't allow people to one, just discover who they are and to question and question and wonder and explore and make that definition for themselves,

we create kind of like this bottleneck of toxic masculinity that we keep talking about. And we keep talking about it because it's a very real thing. Instead of allowing a kid to find out what they like and who they are and how they want to speak or dress or show themselves, you tell them that if you want to play this game that you love, that you work so hard for, this is the type of man you have to be. uh that you you know that you work so hard for this is the type of man you have to be uh and like i said a lot of that for for me it's it's not then even about realizing what's fake or what's pretend it's about realizing what's that learning or that growing or that discovering that i didn't get to do when i was little that i was not offered because i said i wanted to

play football and they valued that over the person that i was then and the person I could grow to be. Yeah. So you were a defensive end, but what position did you play? Defensive end. I see. So the NFL is a bastion of masculinity, which is why I felt appropriate to take on the league's most iconic mask figures. That's right.

We're going to rank NFL mascots on the Kinsey scale in a little game we're calling Gritty and Mr. Met. They fucking... And yes, I know they're not NFL mascots. We just like the name. So, all right. Just to remind you, even though I'm sure you got this in the guidebook that comes to your house when you come out of the closet uh but the kinsey scale runs from zero to

six with zero being completely heterosexual and six meaning one thousand percent gay are you ready to rank nfl mascots yes all right first up we have pittsburgh steelers steely mcbeam i can't believe that's real steely mcbeam is that a real thing do they is that fucking with me steely what was the second pitch steely mcbeam steely mcbeam uh i mean that in the butt yeah that's that's uh i mean you what do you think where you think? Where are we putting Steely McBeam? That is a fucking gay-ass mascot. Steely Be...

Oh my gosh. He's giving... He's definitely like, what, Dom Top vibes? Let's put him on a five. Yeah, I think that's right. I think it's a five. The New England Patriots' Pat pat patriot i i cannot believe these names wow wow no come on pat not a pat somebody somebody shouted lady doth protest too much

yeah i what's the x what's the x over here no social that that what is it what is the x x him contact or reaction yeah okay yep we're just not getting any vibe next we have the baltimore ravens poe oh i like that i like that oh i love post giving by energy yeah i think so i'm loving it i think that's a three yeah that's a three yeah i like that is that from edgar allen poe i assume oh i didn't even think about that buffalo bills billy buffalo was it one hour and they all had to name them in the same meeting not billy buffalo for the buffalo bills are you fucking kidding me nothing that's a real i had never heard have you heard of the book i've never i don't know any of these characters is there any lore uh i think that's that feels like a straight person to me yeah

billy's not washing his ass so he's going going at one. One, there you're zero. Yeah, he's going zero. The Cincinnati Bengals, Who Day? Yeah. Who Day? Oh, the mascot's named Who Day. Who Day said they're going to beat the Bengals. Oh, I see. I see.

Of course, that famous song. Who Day? I don't know. I know i mean yeah definitely a little yeah manscaped four maybe i don't think it's as gay as the stealer yeah let's do a four that's a four four for the for the bengals uh the tampa bay buccaneers captain fear now that's a great name for a mascot captain fear not bucky the buccaneer wow that's can't well and he's gone um this the thing though when you try that hard i think he's he's a raging homosexual oh wow captain fear is maybe afraid of what he's feeling that's what it is and it's a six uh next up we have the denver broncos thunder 2 that's just an actual horse

that's just a horse i don't i don't know i mean that's just an answerable question i i feel uncomfortable answering that for a horse so we'll just yeah no yeah yes the tennessee titans t-rack raccoon rack oh shit jesus so what are those eyes demon eyes we don't want him so he's a zero get him a zero straight raccoon. Two more. We have the San Francisco 49ers Sourdough Sam. Oh, yeah. I mean, come on. Jesus.

I think Sourdough Sam gets his bread, butter, and the castro if you know what I'm saying. He's a six. He's a six. And finally, I interviewed the mayor of of of san francisco and she said that that san francisco has the best bread at mcdonald's it's one of the strangest comments i've ever heard in the history of the show it was like wait what the best mcdonald's has better bread than other

mcdonald's was a real thing and i still think about it all the time that's why i thought about it there what and now i'll think about it forever as well it's like is that true what uh and finally carolina panther's sir purr sir purr wow a bisexual a bisexual bisexual okay so it does it's right in the middle okay sure i guess now uh first all, look at these beautiful rankings. The whole spectrum is there from the non-sexual horse all the way to the hyper gay sourdough man. And that is what the pride is all about. All right.

Now, we thought it was only fair that we give RK a chance to do what he enjoys best, humiliating me publicly. Wait, I'm sorry. This says talk about football. So you're going to quiz me about football facts, and I must answer them to the best of my ability. And I truly have not seen these. And let's just say I may be a tight end, but my professional sports knowledge is no slam dunk. And I truly have not seen

these questions. I was going to say, that joke was good. You weren't sure. That was a good one. I know. I put a little ironic distance on it. All right. Let's see. What do you got for me? Let's see how I do. Okay. It says lightning, so are you going fast? Let's go fast. Yeah. We got to move fast. We forgot the clock, but we're going to move

fast. What does the NFL stand for? National Football League. Come on. Oh, there's a... Good job. How many points is a field goal? Three.

Oh, shit. You're good. You're a football person. How many teams are there in the NFL? 16? 32. 32. That makes...

Yeah, I probably... Yeah, okay. Yeah. I believe you. I mean, it's a fact. Can you name all the bird mascots? Do you know all the bird... Bird teams?

Yeah, the bird teams. Ravens? Yes. I would say give me City, but I don't... Cardinals? Yeah, oh my God, yeah. Bets but I don't know. Cardinals? Yeah. Oh, my God. Yeah.

Betsy, don't help me. Eagles? Yes. Thank you. That's really good, actually. Are there others? Yeah. There's like Seahawks.

Yeah. Oh. Yeah. Oh. All right. But I said you did good. You should have just stuck with that. How many points is a safety worth?

Two. Oh, shit. You're great. Who is awarded the Walter Payton Trophy at the end of the season? This is multiple choice. Do you want the multiple? Yes, please. Of course.

A, the player who most shows a commitment to philanthropy and community impact. B, the most valuable player of the Super Bowl. C, the rookie of the year. D, the player who looks the most like Walter Payton. Is it the rookie of the year? The player who shows the most commitment to philanthropy and community impact. How nice. Because football players have hearts. Yes. And I've always said that. The player who shows the most commitment to philanthropy and community impact. How nice. Because football players have hearts.

Yes. And I've always said that. Oh, who is Walter Payton? That's a follow-up question. He was a very generous football player of some sort. Give me a position, at least. A team. Hey, we're all on the same team

he was a running back for the Chaco Bears okay what is a quarterback sneak just an open ended question so it's like when you're not having carbs and then you're like just a little just like sneak if nobody had carbs playing football we'd all pass out okay i don't know your regimen how many regular season games are in the NFL season?

Wait, what's a sneak? Oh. What is it? I got to learn. Let me educate. When a quarterback receives the center snap and charges forward with the offensive lineman, typically only for a few yards. Oh, interesting.

Interesting. That's what I thought it might be. You got that. I thought it was the thing. I thought if I was going to my second guess would have been that thing where like they think they act like they have the ball but it's somebody else that has it that would have been a closer answer

why didn't you give that answer that's closer okay I don't know I'm just I'm trying to doing the best that I can Jesus you just proved you weren't because you gave a better answer okay moving on

how many regular season games are in the NFL season 12 17 How many regular season games are in the NFL season? 12. 17. 17, okay. Close, though. That was decent. Oh, there's... Is the picture going to go up?

Which of these formats is a 4-3 defense? Oh, come on. Okay, well, for context, the defense is the squares. The defense is, of course, the squares. They look identical. And the one on the bottom has three, then four. And the one on the left has three, then four. And the one on the right has four, then three.

So what the fuck? I don't know. So are you going from down up? I don't know. It's a 50-50. That's the great part. I say A. Hey.

You killed it. 4-3 defense. You killed it. Which two teams are tied for the most Super Bowl appearances? There's a hint here. Do you want it? No. Love that.

I love that. I'm going to say one of them is the Patriots because it was like always with these Boston boys. It's just endless. Like, oh, we did it again. It's like, did you? And then I don't – oh, oh. I'm going to have another guess based on just childhood memories. Okay.

Dallas Cowboys? I don't know. That's just because I remember they were always on the news. They always get like – they get close and then they always... What's the answer? No, do you want the hint? There's still a hint. Yeah, sure.

The other one is more of a... The other team is from a place you claimed is more of a sandwich town than Philadelphia. Chicago Bears? Wait, more of a... New York, you mean? No. Philadelphia is the sandwich town.

No, you've claimed, because this is about you. You claimed this is more of a sandwich town. Oh, Pittsburgh. Oh, the Pittsburgh Steelers. Yes. No, he didn't get that.

Edit it so it sounds like I got it. He didn't get that. And finally, okay, this is funny. And finally, what was the butt fumble? The butt fumble? And it's a football thing. A football thing. I mean, every time, you know, I don't know.

My boyfriend's here. I cannot high five you for any of that. For a butt fumble? I don't even know what it would be What is a butt fumble? The infamous butt fumble Did somebody get a snap And then drop it?

Oh come on And then Oh and then it was What happened next You wouldn't believe It was such a mess Give me the butt part There's a butt fumble

So he got the snap He got the snap he got the snap and then he dropped it and then he there's a but somebody grabbed his butt so close so close what happened he is there a oh i feel like i should narrate this for you. I've never seen this before in my life. Watch this. Vince Wilford is going to throw more back into his quarterback.

He's going to fumble the football. I've loved this play four times. I still don't see what else. This is what Reggie White used to do to people. I have no idea what. My brain can't process whatever that was. I saw a bunch of people fall down. Did you all see, did Brian, you?

I didn't see a thing. I mean, I watched. It's what is wrong with our eyes. They showed it four times. Brian, you didn't see anything, right? I'm like, I don't know what that, that it was an anything. Was there something to see what play it again it's better in pictures but mark sanchez uh the quarterback of the uh jets

he ran into his lineman's butt like his face directly ran into it and he dropped the ball and then i feel like i would have seen that the book is the yards between us Us by R.K. Russell. This is so great. Everybody check it out. Thank you so much. And we're back. You're buying two books today

because Mobility, the first novel from Crooked Media Reads, is finally out. Advanced Praise calls it a beautifully written and stunningly smart novel and a cautionary tale for our times, getting rave reviews. It's an amazing book. Please check out Crooked Media Reads. We're launching this book in print and it's gotta fucking work and we're launching

it with an awesome first book, so buy the goddamn book! Crooked.com slash mobility or wherever books are sold. Also, if you are in Ohio and if you haven't been paying attention to your local ghouls, now is the time because reproductive freedom and direct democracy are on the ballot on Tuesday, August 8th. Here's the deal. Republicans added a ballot measure for August 8th. It's a ballot measure about ballot measures. Why? Because they're trying to make the November ballot measure, which aren't paying attention. So an abortion ballot measure will be harder to pass in the fall. So we're trying to get people out.

Now, win or lose, we're going to fight like hell to make sure that abortion ballot measure passes. If you're in Ohio or you know somebody in Ohio, they need to vote on August 8th. They need to vote no to stop Republicans from trying to make it harder to protect abortion rights in Ohio. Okay? So don't let them get away with it. Head to votesaveamerica.com slash Ohio to find out

all the information you need to vote no on August 8th. All right. Please welcome back to the stage Lunel and Ify.

Come on in. Now, which one of these two guys did you want to bump? Uh, you. Wow you wow wow you just got tackled by lunel the sports thing i did a sports i have never really i've never even really bumped anybody but i'm at a point now where i can so i think i will because it happened to me you know that's

just a rite of passage in comedy oh yeah if you're in the club and you're about to go on and Eddie Murphy comes in, sit your ass down, because you're not going on. Eddie's going on. Or Chappelle or anybody like that. That's just the way it is. And that's how it is. Mm-hmm.

Now, here's how this segment works. As everyone here knows, Taco Bell is the subject of a class action lawsuit, which I will absolutely be joining, for skimping out on the beef in its crunch wraps and Mexican pizzas. Not enough beef in there. Doesn't match the pictures. Like Ron DeSantis. Exactly.

But that got us thinking. What suits would we like to file? Using your powers of persuasion, each of us will try to sign on to basically just, you're just trying to propose a class action lawsuit. Something that's bothering you that think other people will join in and join you in your lawsuit. Okay, I'll go first. It was clearly they haven't thought about this question. Oh my God. What is this fucking picture?

Jesus. What the, what the fuck? Who did that? Who did that? That'll be hell to pay. Don't ever wear your hair like that. That's not the part I don't like. All right, Lunell, what is your class action lawsuit?

My class action lawsuit is against the company MyDoll. Ooh. Because, and guys, I'm not talking to you. The ladies will understand. When a bitch needs a Midol, we don't want to have to push and twist the top, then pull the fucking

foil back, then dig the fucking cotton out. Like, give me the fucking shit right now. And it's like breaking into a safe to get to the motherfucking mito. They need to stop with the bullshit, so I want to put my class action through.

Seems like you got some takers. They know what I'm, the ladies know what I'm talking about. Ladies, don't you know what I'm talking about? You gotta push the top and twist it. Then you gotta, you get something you gotta punch a hole in the foil. Then there's some fucking cotton to get to the five bitch ass models.

I don't have that problem no more though. Best thing about getting old. I can wear white every day. Cool. I can wear white every day cool if you want to go next yeah yeah no I think we're targeting the wrong company I think Chipotle

still need to get together I'll be asking for double meat they don't put that much on there I'm trying to get my protein I agree yeah yeah you know I always gotta hit them with the

oh actually I do want the double meat cause you can't tell me you want it up front cause they gonna skimp you. You got to do the wait. You got to wait. I've been there.

Yeah, and they look at me because they know when they see my big ass coming in, they're like, you're going to get double meat. But I'm like, no, I want the regular amount. I bet you do have double meat, Pete. I just bet you do. Double meat. Know what I mean? No, but Taco Bell do be bullshitting. bet you do. Double meat. Know what I mean? No, but Taco Bell do be bullshit. I just wanted to say

I have been to Taco Bell before late at night and they say, we're out of meat. I said, why the fuck are you open? And they're like, we still got quesadillas, we still got beans. But if you say

it just a little bit different, it's kind of exciting. Like, we still got quesadillas. We still got beans. It's like close-up shot. Well, let me have a quesadilla then. See, I think it'll work out. But they're out of meat. They are out of meat sometimes. Okay, Taco Bell. What's the key ingredient in the taco?

It's beef. Fucking meat. Yeah. Anyway, that was in my neighborhood. I'm beef. Fucking meat. Yeah. Anyway, that was in my neighborhood. I'm sure that don't happen to you. I just, yeah, no, no, there's this, I only go to the fanciest Taco Bell where they never run out

of any ingredients. Where's that? Right here. Right this way, Mr. Lovett. Your Mexican pizza's waiting, Mr. Lovett. Well, shall we seat you? Would you like a napkin? That's how it is at Taco Bell on Vine.

The one we all go to. You've been to the Taco Bell Cantina? Well, listen, that's nice. They have a beer there. You can find some love in the Taco Bell Cantina. Listen, that's nice. They have a beer there. You can find some love in the Taco Bell Cantina. And where's that? It's a state of mind, really. Yeah, there's one out, but there's one in Vegas.

That's the one where you... Oh, I live in Vegas. Oh, work? I mean, I live in Vegas as well. Yeah, but like... I have two homes. Work. Hell yeah.

I might have seen that in Vegas. Yeah, yeah. It's like right. It's like where you know where those bridges are on the strip. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, like right in the middle of it. And they'll have the Baja Blast frozen. You can get tequila in it.

Shut up. Yes. Yes. Oh. Thanks. I'll be in there making mistakes. Look, if I was flirting with you at the bar in the Taco Bell Cantina, you don't know me no more.

You're like, don't say you saw me and love it or leave it. I'm back home. We are strangers at the cantina. Yeah, yeah, we are strangers at the cantina. But we miss his class action suit. You. Yeah. Wait, I'm hosting.

Not over there, you're not. You're Yeah. Wait, I'm hosting. Not over there, you're not. You're not in the chair. My bad. Wait, wait. But wait, and also, I do want to make one other point about Chipotle, which, first of all, you're making a very important point, which is you have to wait to ask for the double meat.

Because they don't see me coming. People don't understand what I can do at a restaurant. I'll really shock you. But yes, you have to wait to ask for the double meat. Because they don't see me coming. People don't understand what I can do at a restaurant. I'll really shock you. But yes, you have to wait. The other thing they do. When do you wait? Now tell me because I need to know. What's the prime time to ask for, oh, by the way, can I get double meat?

When they're getting ready to slide the burrito. When they think they're done, then you're like, oh, actually, I want double meat. At the window? Oh, yeah, at the window. Basically, when they think they've added the full meat yeah you say ah what if we doubled it yeah yeah actually it's double because if you ask them before you'll see them they'll be shaking the the the spoon i'm like why are you shaking it that ain't even that much meat on it because you can see them that's right yeah yeah you oh okay yeah and, but the other thing, though,

is when they put the guacamole inside the little container, why do they do, they put a spoon in, and then they put a little less than enough to fill it, and then they smooth over the top. Yes, they do. What the fuck is that? What the fuck is that? Why is that the way they do it?

It's, we can see you. Because if they have it over over when they squish the top it's gonna ooze out the sides there's too much air in there y'all on them chipotle people ass this is not this is not this is a this is a systemic issue we're not criticizing the people making it we're talking about the systems that's right this is a systemic issue. We're not criticizing the people making it. We're talking about the systems. This is a systemic injustice. This is a good time to say we are open to getting that gold Chipotle card

if you want to give it to me and Lunel. And that's about it. We in on the gold Chipotle? You know, Beyonce has a gold Popeye's chicken card. She can get free Popeye's chicken for the rest of her life. No, only her. Oh, I bet she doesn't use it. I bet she fucking does.

She's from Texas. I bet she does. RK, what would your class action lawsuit be? So I don't know who I need to file against specifically. I don't know if it's Webster Dictionary or just the English language in a whole, but I would like to file my class action lawsuit against. Well, first off, on behalf of the bisexuals, the non-binary people, the people who feel like they might just want to be greedy or just don't want to fucking choose, I'm filing my suit against the word or.

Or. I don't want to pick men or women. I don't want to pick pancakes or waffles. I don't want to pick between these shoes or those shoes. I don't want to pick or for anything. Is your big ass bisexual? Give me an. Yes, ma'am.

Yes, ma'am. Yes, ma'am. I don't want meat or chicken. I want both. I want an. So the thing is you got to do is when you're getting the chicken, you let them put the chicken on, then wait. Then wait. And then tell them, I want the meat too.

It's not or. You just can't get it the same exact time. No, but they're going to ask you time. They are going to say or. Yeah, I like an and. We like and. Yeah, and. What else you want to do? I don't want to pick

the solitaire or the baguette. I want both. Like you said, and. I want the solitaire and the baguette. I want both. Like you said. I want the solitaire and the baguette. Is that jewelry? Is that why you were showing jewelry? Is that a term?

You don't know about jewelry. Clearly. You don't know about jewelry. I don't know anything about jewelry. No, that's... Well, the diamonds came from Africa first. Yeah, they were stolen from us. They were stolen from us. They took them.

They took them from us. Yeah, that's what it means. And I've always hated that. And that has always troubled me, which is why I never learned about them. I didn't want to get into it. Yeah, no, I do love a baguette. Well, I think that you should.

Ooh! Uh-oh. Yeah. I like it. I like it. Okay, give it the fuck back. I'll walk out this motherfucking thing. I also don't like where they put the...

This is a Chipotle Taco Bell problem. Okay. They put the cheese on at the wrong time in the process. Put the cheese on the meat. They don't put the cheese on the meat. They need to put the cheese on the meat. They need to put the cheese on the fucking meat. It doesn't make any sense.

Instead of on top of the fucking lettuce. It's bullshit. It's fucking bullshit i'm with you that bothers you too huh it bothers the fuck out of me and then you can say can you put my cheese on the meat on the double meat hey oh my god my cheese on the meat and that's a shared experience that we have oh yeah do we also all order way too much Taco Bell while you're drunk and wake up to Taco Bell? Yeah, yeah. There's two things I do while I'm drunk.

Too much. Too much Taco Bell. Promise the fuck to share it with you, and then I go to sleep. You know, like that's... That's what I say to the Taco Bell. That's what I... Look, I get the Taco Bell in front of me I'm gonna fuck the shit out of you

but um well big boy over there don't care cause if you go to sleep we'll just fuck your friend or whatever and not or right

and that's class action something when we come back we'll end we'll end on a high note and we come back, we'll end on a high note. And we're back. Here it is, this week's high note.

Hi, Love It. This is Chelsea from Cleveland, Ohio. My high note is that on June 14th, we welcomed our second daughter, Fiona, to the world. Thanks for keeping me laughing during my labor with extra Love It or Leave It episodes that I had banked to listen to. We also had to chuckle when we found out that she unfortunately shares a birthday with Donald Trump. As a reminder, if you live in Ohio, it's crucial to vote no on if you won. And thanks for all you and the Crooked and Vote Save America people do. Love you. Bye. Hey, love it. This is Austin in Seattle. My high note is that my wife, Julia, is celebrating her 40th birthday next week. She and I moved to Seattle last year from LA to be closer to family as we prepared to have our beautiful daughter who just turned one year old last week. Julia introduced me to your show years ago. And after we moved out of LA, one of the

things we miss most is going to see your shows live. But the good news is we have tickets to see you in Seattle in a few months, and we cannot wait. So happy birthday to a wonderful life partner and an exceptionally thoughtful and caring mother to our baby. Julia, I love you and appreciate you more than you even know. Thanks for all the laughs. Love it. Hi, my name's Eric. I know a lot of people call in with high notes of very big life things or political stuff. And I guess mine is kind of small in comparison.

But long story short, a game, just a video game called Pikmin 4 came out. I know it sounds dumb or just kind of small to mention it, but it's like Nintendo's least famous franchise, and they've only released a couple games over the last 20 years. It was like 10 years ago. They were like, oh, the game's almost done. Long story short, it just finally came out. And if you're a fan of this franchise, and there's not many of us,

but it's something that we've been waiting almost a decade for, and it came out last Friday. And it was very, very fun. And I've been playing those games since I was a kid. And sometimes a high note is just a small little thing like that that can really just lift up your whole, I don't know, just your whole life for a week know, just, you know, your whole life for a week or something while you're playing it. But anyway,

any Pikmin fans out there, I see you. Thanks, John. Bye. I love it. My high note this week is that my dad, after 42 years of working for the Department of Justice, finally retired this week. Today was his official last day, and we were all super proud of him. And yesterday was his retirement party, which had to be moved across the street because of a certain special counsel news conference that was going on, even though, as some of his colleagues will tell you, they had the room reserved. But we are all super proud of him. So many people were able to come to his retirement party, and we love him very much. And I really admire all of the work that he's done over the past

several decades, going after tax cheats and just being the example, the shining example of what a good civil servant should be and just a wonderful person and inspiration. So thank you so much. And I love you, Dad. Bye. Thanks, everybody who called in with a high note tonight. If you want to leave us a message about something that gave you hope, call us at 323-538-2377. That is our show. Thank you so much to Lunel, to Ivi Wadiwe, to RK Russell. I also want to take a moment to thank our incredible editor, Bill Lance, who is leaving the

show after 250 episodes. If you were here tonight, you know this is a tough show to edit. That's why he said, fuck this shit up. Bill has always worked so hard to make

this show sound so great for the podcast audience, and he's made this show, he's made it sound incredible week after week after week, and we're all grateful to him for years of being part of the best team in podcasting that didn't make cereal. There are 450, I knew that wasn't going to work. The best team in podcasting that didn't make cereal. There are 457... I knew that wasn't going to work. The best team in podcasting.

Period. There are 457 days until the 2024 elections. Thanks for coming out tonight, and have a great weekend. Thank you. You're the best. Come on. Bring it. That was so fun. We still should try.

Love it or leave it, it's love it or leave it. Love It or Leave It is a Crooked Media production. It is written and produced by me, John Lovett, and Lee Eisenberg. Kendra James is our executive producer.

Brian Semel is our producer, and Malcolm Whitfield is our associate producer. Howie Keeper is our head writer. Sarah Lazarus, Jocelyn Kaufman, Poulavi Gunalan, Peter Miller,

Rebecca Kaplan, Alan Pierre, and Chandler Dean are our writers. Evan Sutton is our associate producer. Howie Keeper is our head writer. Sarah Lazarus, Jocelyn Kaufman, Poulavi Gunalan, Peter Miller, Rebecca Kaplan, Alan Pierre, and Chandler Dean are our writers. Evan Sutton is our editor. Stephen Colon is our audio engineer. And Kyle Seglin provides audio support. Our theme song is written and performed by Shersher. Thanks to our designer, Jesse McClain, for creating and running all of our visuals,

which you can't see because this is a podcast. And to our digital producers, Zuri Ervin, David Tolles, Mia Kelman, and Matt DeGroote for filming and editing video each week so you can. You can find those glorious videos at www.youtube.com slash at Love It or Leave It podcast. That's the best we can do, I guess. Subscribe to Love It or Leave It on YouTube for access to video versions

of your favorite segments and other exclusive content. Don't forget to follow us at Crooked Media on IG and Twitter. And if you're as opinionated as we are, consider dropping us a review. It's love it or leave it