Lovett or Leave It - Queer the Buffet (A Pride Standup Special!)

Episode Date: July 8, 2023

Lovett Or Leave It closes out this year’s Pride month with a fantastic stand up special. The legendary Paula Poundstone joins Jon as co-host and basically takes over, which rules. Plus Jon and Paula welcome the phenomenal Pink Foxx, Nori Reed, Roz Hernandez, and Robin Tran who crush. Hope you got your pride levels replenished this June for the next calendar year! Like a bunch of gay ass squirrels. For a closed-captioned version of this episode, click here. For a transcript of this episode, please email [e-mail] and include the name of the podcast.

Hello, Los Angeles. Welcome to Love It or Leave It. Very special episode tonight. We're doing a stand-up special. We have some incredible people lined up. Obviously, some pretty tough decisions came out today unjust who was going to say that diet coke is potentially carcinogenic remember when they told us not to wear masks they can eat shit

they are so they're considering listing diet Coke as being possibly cancerous. Gasps. I have a couple points about this. Isn't everything? That was one. Point two, people like this. Do you notice that? The people like this news, and they like telling people who like Diet Coke about it.

I got so many texts today letting me know, uh-oh, that thing you love is bad. You can pry it from my cold, dead fucking hands. Here are some other things that are possibly cancerous. Eating red meat. That's on the list. Staying up overnight. That's on the list. Staying up overnight. That's on the list. Your cell phone is on the list.

Baby powder. Baby powder, says Betsy in the front row, helpfully. Unbidden. Fuck cancer. Fuck cancer, says Betsy, pandering. Fuck cancer, says Betsy, pandering. The Supreme Court also ruled against affirmative action today. I'm just going to keep drinking Diet Coke.

WHO. Who the fuck do they think they are? Don't you have bigger fish to fry? Diet Coke isn't the problem. If Diet Coke was really that bad for us, we'd all be fucking dead. I don't want to stop drinking it. I went to the doctors, you know, for a physical, got my blood tested and all the things that they do there. And the doctor does, it's my first time seeing this doctor and they asked, he asked me all these health questions about my diet and my exercise. Exercise, surprisingly good. Diet, surprisingly bad.

And he said, well, what else? I said, well, I do drink a fair number of Diet Cokes. And he said, he started going off on why that's bad and I stopped him and I said, this is a waste of both of our fucking time. The one fucking thing you're allowed to text someone. What is the habit that you have

that it's cool to text you to say stop other than like severe addiction in the form of an intervention? You can't just text a friend on a random Tuesday, hey that thing you love stop doing it. That's not allowed but Diet Coke it's allowed. I know I'm getting so low to the ground to talk about this. Hey did you see this? Yeah I saw it. I ignored it. low to the ground to talk about this. Hey, did you see this? Yeah, I saw it. I ignored it. I've been ignoring the news about Diet Coke for 20 fucking years. Like the fact that Donald Rumsfeld was integral to Aspartame's approval.

I don't like that. That's a bad fact for me. That's a guy that follows the conclusion to the facts. Famously. It's also not just in Diet Coke. It's in all the Starbucks syrups, which I also love. Slather myself in daily.

I'm still asking for straws, too. Is that okay? Is it? No? Why not? Tell me why not. They're not made of plastic anymore. Not the cellulose ones. Those are supposed to dissolve. Either we should ban plastic straws

and let all the other ones through, right, if it's for the turtles, or we can all admit it's just a little way to go like, you need to shut the fuck up. I don't know about dating. I don't know. I don't know. Here's the thing. Here's the thing. I know I'm out there for somebody. That's obvious. We've got a great show for you tonight. All right. That's enough. That's enough. We're going to do these every quarter until I weep on stage.

We have an incredible lineup of stand-ups, but I also have an amazing co-host who is here by popular demand because the last time she was on the show, I was just basically in the audience with everybody else. Please welcome the incredible Paula Poundstone. Hey, how are you? Come on out, Paula. So nice tooundstone. Hey, how are you? Come on out, Paula. So nice to see you. Hey, you guys. Okay, I know you've been here working, and you've been here as the audience, so you might not even know about this yet, but a study was just in about sea turtle despondency,

and it turns out they like the straws. was just in about sea turtle despondency. And it turns out they like the straws. It turns out they like the straws. Yeah, because they were able to translate what they were saying. And one of the things they said was, get away from the orcas. And then they said, we miss the straws. Because they look so sad when you've seen the videos of them having the straws pulled out. Turns out they don't show you what happens after they pull the straw out,

which is that the turtle just falls apart emotionally. It took me fucking months to get that up there. Well, yeah. Yeah. That's good to know. Yeah. It's like when your dog brings the ball and then you throw it. And he's like, well, I just gave it to you.

What the fuck, no? Look, that's the latest data. That just, on my way in. That's just over the transom. I got that. I have an AP teletype in my car. Oh, wow. I just tore that off.

I can't believe that. So the AP teletype, they're putting it online, and then they're also just, hey, hit the AP Teletype for the people that have one in their cars. You can get it in some cars. In some cars. Is it tickered, like the old school ticker? Yeah.

Is it prints? Like that, yeah. Here's the thing. I want you to know that if I ever do kill a sea turtle, I do want it to be on purpose. I'm just saying. I'm not looking to accidentally willy-nilly kill

sea turtles. No, that's not who you are. But my understanding is once they're made out of either boo, paper, or yay, the thing that they say is fine, but seems like the same thing we had, I thought we would be golden. You know? Hey, do you drink Diet Coke?

Do you know the last thing Lizzie Borden's dad Apparently said to her I know but tell them Sure you can borrow it I don't know what you want it for I just thought as a man who just Expressed that you'd like to kill sea turtles How many times have you already heard the Trump tape now?

The one that was in the indictment, but the transcript. No, I heard the audio where he's rifling through the papers. Right, exactly. Which he says was newsprint. Let me just say that his newspaper is awfully fucking thick. I heard it, I don't know, for maybe my fifth or sixth time today. I was listening to a podcast and I played it. And this slipped by me the first five times, which is says i didn't do this this is from him and he's

referring to millie that made the war plan to attack iran yeah this isn't mine this isn't mine and i realized oh so you thought that we thought that you wrote the war plan? No, I didn't think that. You know why? Because the words owie and kaboom weren't in it. People have been pouring over these tapes. Yeah. For days.

Yeah. The transcript for weeks. Yeah. Nobody made that point till now. Yeah. No. I got the ticker Right in my car Do you drink Diet Coke or not?

I drink Diet Pepsi in fact Diet Pepsi? No, Diet Pepsi is very good for you I didn't even want to drink Diet Pepsi I used to just drink a lot of water. Fresh water. Fresh water. And I went to the doctor,

and he insisted that I drink Diet Pepsi. The term fresh water doesn't actually make sense if you think about it. It was all made at the same time. What do you mean? The water. Water was all made at the same time? I don't know? The water. Water was all made at the same time? I don't know what you mean by made.

You're at home making water? Well, there's like all the water on Earth is roughly the same age. It just moves around. Oh, I see what you're saying. What do you mean? It's not like freshly made. Yeah. Boy, you're taking me back to my elementary school science book thing.

Oh, you mean that it's like the fresh water. It shows you the cycle it goes through. You know, it gets evaporated and then it forms the cloud and then it comes down again. Does fresh water mean it doesn't have salt in it? Yeah. Oh, well that's something,

you know, you learn something every day. That's not how I meant it. You meant it like fresh, like fresh out of the squee, fresh out of the squee, the tap. Freshly squeezed is the point. Shut up. You stay squeezed is the point. Shut up. You stay on my fucking side.

She won't be here next week. I'll be here. Don't embarrass me. Pretend I'm cool in front of Paul Poundstone. You are so good with them. You know, I can feel that relationship that you've obviously built over time. Did you really go to the doctor and did he really say don't drink Diet Coke?

Yes, that's a real thing that happened. And I actually did say, I'm telling you I'm not stopping. This is a waste of both of our time. That was about Diet Coke. And I did have a list of five prescriptions. And when I got to the fifth, I said, I'm saving this for my next visit out of respect for both of us. Yeah, so there was tension. You were in the doctor's office and there was tension.

I'll take it a step further. I got a little persnickety with my surgeon. Hadn't even sewn me up and something hurt me and I said, no, fuck it, just leave it. Stormed out. Yeah, big old gizzard coming out. Oh, not your gizzard. Not your gizzard. That's where you process

impurities. Yeah. Keep your water fresh. Comes from the cycle. Boy, that cycle was comforting when you read about it in elementary school science, wasn't it? It's just like when the teacher used to write on the board about the three branches of government.

You know, the Congress and the judiciary and the executive. It was like you were wrapped up in a warm burrito. You were, you know, and they said how, you know, there was oversight. They kept each other. And you just felt like, oh, God, that's perfect. You know, nothing could ever go wrong with that. It's foolproof, basically. Yeah, exactly. They built in safety measures. Yeah, one watches over the wrong with that. It's foolproof, basically. Yeah, exactly.

They built in safety measures. Yeah, one watches over the other. Yeah, one's electricity, one's gas, one's a generator. You know, it's like it'll get you through no matter what happens. Exactly. You know what they always would say? They would call them co-equal branches. That's what they used to say.

What does the co do? Co-equal. Co. What is the co doing in front of the equal? The co adds nothing. Also, they're not equal branches. Yeah. The judiciary's supposed to be smaller.

The president's supposed to be smaller. We're all supposed to be living under the yoke of Congress. It's like co-operate. Thank you, Paula. We'll be back in a minute. But up first you know this comic from Comedy Central

and you can see her all over LA please give it up for the incredibly funny Pink Fox what's up you sexy motherfuckers can we have some can I get a little something

in this mic a little something in the mic a little something anything in the mic can you hear me out there I'm not getting too much in myself but I guess fuck it

it's a small room huh do i thank you this is definitely gay crowd oh my god you can do it yeah everybody relax i'm from the east coast okay i like a little somber a little mellow you know melodramatic on the count of three, everybody say, go fuck yourself. You ready? One, two, three. Go fuck yourself. There we go. That's the audience I'm looking for in this motherfucker.

Jesus, L.A., man. Too goddamn happy. I'd like to say a couple of things when I get started to let you know a little something about me. First things first, I'm transgender. That's right. Thank you. I'd like to say, if you can't tell me his pills are working i'm getting my money's worth this shit ain't cheap all right second thing though i don't like the word tranny all right

i don't like the word tranny it's offensive you understand because tranny is a porn term like white friends you wouldn't introduce your black friend Keisha as your ebony friend Keisha, would you? That's right, you'd be telling on yourself, right? You gotta go through your search history now and see what you've been looking at. That's right, I don't like to wear a tranny. You see, I much prefer Build-A-Bitch. I'm a Build-A-Bitch. I'm gonna get to put my parts together. Never fails on stage when I say I'm transgender, feel my crotch get hot People get to stare into my crotch area Trying to see if they can find the print

But I'm Houdini with the dick You're not going to find the dick Because I'm a comedian My guy friends are rude as fuck They're mostly comedians themselves They see me in a skirt or dress They always ask me a dumbass question Walk up to me and say Fox

How do you tuck it? I give them a dumb answer Because I hate that question I say easy What I do is I tie this motherfucker to a brick I throw it through my legs real hard Let it come over my shoulder And click it like a seatbelt

That's right But if I pull this motherfucker out It'll be like the scarf trick It just keeps coming You understand? Because I'm still black up here That's very nervous laughter She's gonna pull out her cock

Jesus Christ Nah, you didn't pay enough for that Fellas got nothing to worry about Straight men make some noise There you go A couple of you motherfuckers started clapping And everybody was like, oh? Yeah, we surprised too, nigga.

But you know, can't rush nobody out the closet. Fuck it. Get the fuck out the closet. Anyway. Oh, man. Fellas, you got nothing to worry about. You see, I don't like dick. That's right.

If you can't tell by this lesbian outfit I have on right now, I'm not attracted to men. But not for lack of trying, you understand? Because when I was a kid and shit, I was very effeminate. I remember the other kids used to call it faggoty. I was real faggoty. Everybody tensed up in the front. You know I can say it, right?

I'm black, Puerto Rican, Native American, Irish, Italian. I'm transgender and a lesbian. I can say all the words that you love, motherfucker. The seven words Fox can still say. Fuck your man. That's a deep cut for the real comedy fans. No, but they convince

me. They say, Fox, how do you know unless you tried? You know. So what i'm trying to tell you people is i sucked a dick before i did i'm gonna say it here tonight at the dynasty typewriter i'm gonna tell the truth i sucked a dick all right i sucked two dicks all right i sucked three dicks listen this is what happened i did i sucked three dicks in my life not for me not for me i think the issue was it was a small dick Kept getting lost in my mouth like a Jolly Rancher You know what I mean

Like ladies Ladies, you know when you have one too many cocktails and shit In the nightclub, got your high heels on Trying to find a straw in the cocktail and shit Can't quite get your tongue on that motherfucker And then men, they need too many theatrics You know, men, you need too many theatrics. You know what I mean?

Because, you know, ladies, you know what I'm talking about, right? You got to make that noise for these. Yeah. You know the noise. Which is crazy to me that in 2023, men still don't know if they have a dick or a penis. Oh, it got quiet in here. Yeah, it's story time, motherfuckers. When you have a dick, you have to adjust that motherfucker all day, because dick get tangled up. Dick get tangled in drawers, you know. But when you have a penis, you

can just set it and forget it. You know what I mean? Go home tonight, after the show. Ask your significant other. Say, baby, do I have a dick or a penis? If they look at you and say some shit like, you know, I really enjoy our time together, you have a penis. Class dismissed. Like I told you earlier, I'm from the East Coast. That's right, I'm from Jersey. Jersey's in the building.

Oh, yeah, a couple of y'all? Red Bank, baby. Red Bank, alright, yeah, it's okay, cool. I can almost guess who that was when the lights came up and y'all said, well y'all said go fuck yourself. I felt it from this area. Yeah, they knew what the fuck they was talking about. I'm part Italian on my father's side, that's right, I'm Italian-Puerto Rian on my father's side that's right i'm italian

puerto rican on my father's side you know and uh my dad's uh my dad's a criminal you know what i mean that's a fucking criminal not like you know like you know my dad's a gangster is what i'm saying to you people right like not like a saggy pants gangster my father's a suit and tie gangster i used to visit my dad in federal prison when i was a kid. That's right. This has now become a TED Talk. I got a fat fucking father, too. Anybody else got a fat father in here? One, two people? Everybody else dad on keto and shit? Putting butter in his fat ass coffee? This is the reason Irish butter went up to six dollars, because of this keto shit. Can't have a good piece of toast to save my fucking life. My dad's the type of fat when he sees his favorite food and shit,

he wiggles his fingers like, ooh, donuts. It's a fat finger wiggling motherfucker. My dad has one glass eye from a shootout in the 80s. That's right. You know what somebody that's been shot in the face doesn't have, besides good sight? Empathy. You know what somebody that's been shot in the face doesn't have, besides good sight? Empathy.

I must have been 12, 13. I called my dad, you know, because my dad got out when I was 10. I said, Dad, my girlfriend just left me, and I don't know what to do, because I was faggoty. And my dad said, stop crying like a bitch. I didn't cry when I got my fucking eyes shot out. I said, you're right, nigga. I'm going to just go. I didn't cry when I got my fucking eyes shot out. Said, you right, nigga, I'ma just go kill myself. Came out to my father. I did, because that's what you're supposed to do, right? That's what they tell us anyway, shit.

It's what we're supposed to do. You're supposed to come out and move to Los Angeles. You're also supposed to, fuck it, we're not going, I'm not going to shit on nobody. No, because you know... Thank you. You can't shit on nobody else's transition because it's all different, right? You're trying to figure your shit out. But I'm not going to lie to you. When most trans women transition, they go high femme. You know what I mean? I'm talking about like nails, heels. I was walking around 6'3 in this motherfucker. I'm already 5'9. Oh, y'all can't laugh at that? Okay, alright. Too many allies in this motherfucker?

For me to get real? Okay, fuck it. Oh dear, oh dear. I don't know if we can... Came out to my father and said, Dad, I want to tell you something. He said, what? I said, I'm transgender. My dad said, fuck, what's that going to make me look like? I jumped into my comedic shit. I said, overweight, you fat motherfucker. How you been looking? Heavy set.

You know what I'm saying? Oh, no, she's fat shaming. Oh, God. I'm having my goddamn self. Ain't nobody fat shaming. Oh, shit. My mother's a different story. You see, I was raised Jehovah's Witness.

Ooh, and shit. Yeah, that's right. Red Bank might have came knocking on some of your goddamn doors. And I don't forget a face, neither. I always thought it'd be funny to go back to the doors to slam their face on me with my dadded toe and shit. Knock on the door and shit. Hello?

You didn't want to hear about Jehovah, now you get to meet him. Damn, get him! No? Just me? I'm sick? All right. Jersey, man. What can I do?

That was too sadistic for some of you. No, but seriously, my mother's a docile woman, very soft-spoken, you know. I came up to my mom. I said, Mom, I'm transgender. My mother looked at me and said, we didn't have that when I was a kid. Like, it's a flavor and shit. I said, yes, they did. They just weren't coming and talking about it. People were more private back in the day. You know what I mean? Like, I'm pretty sure it was people getting ball gagged and butt fucked too back in the day too, but they weren't coming

and talking about the shit. Right, sir? Am I right? Nowadays, they march with the shit on. We went to the parade. You see somebody, I seen my man in the leathers and shit. I said, oh shit, they go Rick. I didn't know Rick was in the BDSM. I called out to him. I said, yo, Rick, I see you at the club on Tuesday. Rick looked back at me and said, boop, boop, boop, boop. See, he had the shit in his mouth.

Where I'm from, it's up as a sandwich. You know what I mean? I'm going to leave y'all with a story and I'm going to get the fuck out of here, man. Oh, my name. That's nice. I didn't know what was behind me. We apologize. We thought we was booking

a good wholesome transgender. This ain't that, nigga. I got a fetish. Anybody else got a fetish in here? Speaking of BDSM. A couple people? Don't clap if you're not going to say what it is. I see them shoulders wiggling. What's your fetish? I have a wife and a husband.

Okay, that's interesting. But what's your fetish? To not be in charge when I get home. Oh, I get it. Oh, okay. So you like to be like a slave or some shit like that. That's white people shit. Yeah.

Yep. Yep. Y'all love playing with that slave shit. Tell me what the deal. Tell me I'm a naughty bitch. I'm naughty. That's what's up. Decision maker.

Yeah, I get it. No, hey, I'm not shitting on it. I don't yuck nobody's yum, lady. Know what I mean? Because, hey, shit, I might come join y'all one day. But I got a fetish, too. But if I tell you my fetish, you can't tell nobody. Is that cool?

Do I have your word? That's laughter. That ain't no agreement. Okay. One guy. Deal. Put her there. No?

All right. I like fucking guys' girlfriends. That's my whole thing. What can I say? It's an acquired taste. Being transgender means I'm the best of both worlds, right? Like, I'm really good with advice, right? Like, I'm the divine feminine, right?

But I'm the divine masculine as well, because I'm good with the advice, but I can take charge. I know how to treat people. I eat pussy till my back lock up, you understand? You ever eat pussy till you can't feel your jaw? That's right. That's me. I do that shit.

I eat pussy while I lay on my stomach, like I'm on the phone with one of my best friends or something. And then what happened? Swinging my feet and shit. My homegirls always want advice from me. They're always calling me up for advice because, like I said, I'm the best of both worlds. They always want to know shit. I really dig into that.

I really dig into my male I really dig into, like, my male subconscious, you know, because I speak idiot. And I dig into my woman shit, you know, because I'm delicate on the inside. You know what I mean? My homegirl called me up and shit, say, Fox, I need to talk to somebody. I said, okay, baby. She said, let's go get drinks. I said, hold on. Let's not get drinks because I don't want you too vulnerable.

People drink, they make mistakes that they regret. You know what I mean? I want you in full body and mind, right? My friend's bad. I said, let's go get drinks, because I don't want you too vulnerable. People drink, they make mistakes that they regret. You know what I mean? I want you in full body and mind, right? My friend's bad. I said, let's go get ice cream. She said, okay, let's go get ice cream. So we sit down to ice cream. My homegirl goes, Fox, I don't know what it is.

I cook, I clean. My boyfriend just won't eat my pussy. I said, for real? That's crazy. I want to thank y'all so much. I've been Pink Fox. One more time for Pink Fox, everybody.

And you can check out Pink Fox on Instagram at Comedian Pink Fox. One more time. Hey, don't go anywhere. There's more of Love It or Leave It coming up. Please welcome Paula back to the stage. Hey.

My mind has been blown. I don't have sex with anyone. That's your fetish. And I don't know. Sometimes I. That's your fetish. And I don't know, sometimes I've thought that maybe I, you know, I should go to a sex therapist and watch instructional films and take medication and work with like lubricants and plastic figurines. But I just, I'm happy for the rest of you, don't get me wrong. When do you have the time?

I just, I'm tired from the moment I get up in the morning. The idea that I would A, look around for someone, and B, like hook up with somebody who eventually like I would go into my bedroom and there'd be someone in there with whom I had to have an activity. I clean my way into bed because I have 10 cats. So when someone says, eat pussy, I just feel like, ew. And don't grab them either. I do.

I have 10 cats and two big dogs. So I clean my way into bed. And I just couldn't go to bed and then do something else. I mean, when I'm done, I'm done. And I get it. And I could see like, you know, my son always says to me, you're going to die alone. And I go, yeah.

But I could see like, okay, sometimes my house is a little lonely. It's just me now. The kids are gone. I could see having somebody just for company, maybe, like a roommate company, and if they had a sexual desire, I would call the hooker, but I'm

not... How often does your son say, you'll die alone, Mom? That's a tough intro. Every time he sees me. We don't see each other that often, because he's kind of a downer. I have three kids. They're all young adults now and they're not fun.

For my young adult years, we're kind of down years, I think, too. It's a biochemically difficult time. What are the ages, roughly? Thirty-two. No, fuck. She's 18.

Somewhere in that range. 32, 28, I think, and 25, I think. And they're real. Yeah, they are. But not fun at all anymore. I think as a parent, parenting young adults is challenging because the key to it, I think, is keeping your mouth shut, which is not my area.

You have to say a lot of stuff like, that could work out. I went to Disney World with my family like a week or so ago, and it's the first time I've gone on vacation with my parents in 20 years, and it's also the first time I've gone ever as a single person and not a child.

And what I realized is, topologically, geometrically, it's the same shape as if I were 12, but I'm 40. And so you find yourself saying things like, no, I don't want to go on that ride.

And did they threaten to take you home? Well, and then, so that's that part of it. Yeah. But then there's another part of it, which is my mother will say, ugh, our feet hurt. And I'll be like, God, my feet hurt too, because I'm 40.

But in terms of like, geometrically, you could stretch us into the shape of the same shape we would have been so long ago. This is so like Salvador Dali or something. I can't. But you know what I'm saying? No. You know what I'm saying?

Did you? He talks to you every week. Do you know what I mean? Topologically, it's the same. It's a torus with one hole. You know what I'm saying? Does someone understand what I'm saying? No.

Oh my God. Okay, here's what I'm trying to get at. Here's the point I'm making, and I realize I skipped a step. Oh, you skipped a step. A couple. A topology. Is that where they cut the shrubs to look like elephants? So... You're much younger than me,

but you have a different... Your vocabulary is a lot more developed than mine. I've never discussed topology, I don't think. Here's the point. So, in topology, why did, now the word sounds wrong. Okay, here's something you don't know because of your age. Barbie used to have a friend named Midge. And Midge was clearly the fuck up.

You could see it on her case. Even on the case. There was like, she was at one point like. What? Just for doing. Yeah, she came with a plastic. You're saying you're doing kind of a drug thing on her hand. Yeah, Midge came with like a syringe and a.

Midge did. Yeah, it was Barbie. Barbie's best friend was Midge. Barbie's best friend was Midge. And Midge had a drug addiction. My sister Patty. My sister Patty had a Midge did. Yeah. It was Barbie. Barbie's best friend was Midge. Barbie's best friend was Midge. I remember. And Midge had a druggish addiction. My sister Patty had a Midge doll. My sister Peggy had a Barbie doll.

And one time, we had a Siamese cat who ate a lot of things he wasn't supposed to. And Patty left her Midge doll out, and the cat chewed right into Midge's breasts. Chewed. Yeah. Is that topology? So, you could have a ball, you could have a torus, you could have a two-hole torus. Those are different shapes. Nobody has any

idea. Do they usually let you talk and nobody says? We don't know what you mean. Does one person know what I mean? Thank you. Oh, bullshit. Thank you. But you see what I'm saying about the shape of the family.

Coffee mug and the donut. Yeah, he knows what I'm talking about. The point is, I was- Oh, the coffee mug and the donut. Why didn't you fucking say so? No, the coffee mug is exactly fucking right. That's how I know that he knows and he knows that I know that we're talking about the same goddamn thing.

Oh, sure, the coffee. That was like an encrypted handshake, just for us, apparently. And that's the goal of this podcast. Moments with one person that baffles everyone else that's listening. And if I can do that, I'll have met my macro goals. That's what a podcast is. It's reaching out to one person. Yeah, at least. And only giving them the code to buy shit. And on that note, we have another incredible stand-up

for you. You've seen her on HBO Showtime and Comedy Central. She's a GLAAD-nominated writer. Please welcome back to the show, Nori Reid. Please welcome back to the show Nori Reid. Hi, everyone. How's everyone doing? Good. Nice. I'm doing really good.

I just got back from New York. Yes. There's no more rivalry, right? We love New York. No, I had, right? We love New York. No, I had a really good time in New York. I flew in for the first time ever to Newark. Yeah. It's really bad vibes.

The bad vibes there. It's just crazy because just when you think you've done the work to like love yourself you fly into newark it's wild um and it was bad because on the plane before i landed it actually was really good vibes the woman next to me was this really nice older woman like nice like up into the point of crazy but she didn't like go over the line you know like you know when you're like wearing headphones and the person's like like she wasn't there yeah um she was so nice to me she we sat down and she was like, don't worry. And I was like, okay. Um,

like about, um, she's like, oh no, no. Like today is a good day to fly. Okay. Okay.

Um, and I was like, oh, like why? And she was like, oh, well she was, I never fly without talking to my psychic. And he told me that today is a good day.

I was like, okay. I was like, why do you do that? And she looked at me right in the eye and she said, you know, the bombings. And I didn't really want to talk anymore, so I was just like, period. I was like, say less. The bombings. And then I put my headphones in.

I have no idea what she was talking about. We haven't had a bombing, I don't think, in like World War II. Or like, it was a really wild, wild moment. Um, if she's here tonight, I don't know what I'm doing. If you're here, Margaret, um, you need help. Um, I kind of recently realized that I'm, I'm the friend who's like, I have gossip. And then one of my friends is like, okay. I'm like, I'm depressed. And they're like, okay.

It's a trap. I'm going to listen to you talk about that now. I'm like, I have the hot tea. My grandma's sick. I struggle with depression. I'm sure I'm not the only one. Yes. Yes, I'm looking at you guys and you all look depressed absolutely I'm not alone you all look so sad it's crazy for the viewers who can't see

they look really sad what I like to do to help with my depression is I do guided meditations thank you thank you so much I think I lost you guys when I was like you look so depressed everyone's like no that was a joke I'm kidding

you look like happy and stuff absolutely you look so happy which is weird to be honest weird times right now. But I do guided meditations. I like to find them on YouTube because they're free and they're perfectly good.

And it's cool because you'll do a meditation and you'll get to a really calm and present place and be really vulnerable in that quiet moment. And then you'll hear, it's Crab Fester Red Lobster! And then you see Nirvana. Something about me is I'm trans rich. Like what I said earlier, I write for TV. So I don't have to care about stuff like this anymore.

We're actually on strike right now. So thank you. Yes. Thank you. Yes. we're actually we're on strike right now so thank you yes thank you yes so I'm more kind of like trans middle class these days but I like being trans rich but it can be kind of isolating

because a lot of my friends are trans poor for like systemic reasons sometimes I trans-poor for systemic reasons. Sometimes I talk to my best girlie and I'm like, hey, how's it going? She's like, not good, Nori. Rent's going to be hard this month.

And I'm like, oh no. Do you want to talk about it at Nobu? And she can't go I guess we all have our struggles okay who's mad at me? who's mad at me because of that joke? right? you're like you support trans people

but then when we're nasty you don't like it just kidding um i am trans rich um i'm also trans fat um whichever knows the most dangerous kind i've been trying to get ozempic you guys don't judge me don't judge me i need it for a real medical condition not booking um i i was like asking around and my friend was like i have this perfect doctor that you can go to um his name is dr opene and i was like like the pasta because that's not going to help me. But I went, and I made an appointment,

and I went, and I was waiting in the patient room, and Dr. Opene is real. He's not Italian. Blew my mind. Okay, anyway, so he came in, and he was wearing a white lab coat, and he had one pin on his coat, just one. And it said, Jesus is Lord. And something told me I was not going to get Ozempic that day.

If I like someone and we're vibing, I tell them to transition. Regardless of who they are. And I do that because being trans is a MLM, a pyramid scheme. If I could get five of you to transition, I get an air fryer. And that's my time. Thank you so much. Thank you. One more time for the incredible Nori Reid. And you can follow Nori at Nori Reid.

Paula, you ever have the cheddar biscuits from Red Lobster? No, I don't think I've ever been in a Red Lobster. Oh, you're missing out? Yeah. Cheddar biscuits sound good, though. Do you like any chain restaurants? I like California Pizza Kitchen. I like Cracker Barrel, although it was upsetting when they, you know, wouldn't, what was it?

They didn't want to hire gays. They didn't want to serve gays. Remember that? Yeah, that was a little while ago. I'll tell you something. If you're going to be against gays in a restaurant, you're going to be getting up and getting your own fucking food. That's my feeling. It's going to be a lot of buffet. I do think of

buffets as a straight space. You know what I mean? Like, I don't think of buffets as queer spaces. No. We should queer the buffet. Like, you know what I mean? Queer the buffet. How do you queer the buffet? I'm not sure.

I guess I haven't gotten to that. Ask that guy. You connect with him. Ask him. I feel like we have a math thing. Is it a math thing? What he said before about the coffee cup? I don't know much about buffets, I have to say. No, but the reason you guys connected earlier It was a math thing.

Yeah, that was a math thing. It's no wonder I didn't get it. I do love buffets, though. Yeah. That's a math thing. I used to work in a salad bar restaurant when it was a new thing. When salad bars were a new thing.

In Boston. I worked on Boylston. That must have been freaky the first time. I was like, well well i'll have a salad wait till you hear how you're gonna get it yeah like you know the first because normally they'd bring a salad to your table right yeah back no but people were delighted it was like after that they just wanted to get up and get everything they said well you know you could also order soup and they go no no I'll mix the ingredients myself.

You just had the warm various ingredients that would go into soup. And then they would stir it. I did work at one of the early salad bars. I'm so much older than you. But the whole thing of the salad bar, what do you mean worked at the salad bar? You just restocked it? I was a table busser, and part of my job was to restock the salad bar. You know, I had the big giant lettuce bowl, right? And then the other things, we had these smaller plastic bowls that all sat in the ice.

Beets, chickpeas, tomatoes, onions, mushrooms, spinach. And when they would get depleted... No, that's all I can remember. But when they would get depleted, it was my job to go over, and I'd pick them up, and I'd stack them up, and carry them downstairs

to where the refrigerator was and refill the things and bring them back up. And people would come up, because this is when salad bars were new, so they didn't know. They had no way of knowing how it worked. And they would pay like $1.50

for the salad bar. That was a long time ago would pay like $1.50 for the salad bar. That was a long time ago. Pay like $1.50 for the salad bar. Maybe it was $2.50, but anyways, you get the idea. And then, you know, and as they were, I do sometimes have to go in around the customers and pick up the bowls, and they would say, so say just the beets were left over.

Say that the beets still had some, and so I didn't take them with me. So there was just beets and I had taken all the other bowls and of course I was coming back up in a few minutes and they would stand there with the tongs and go,

is that all you have now? What was the... Yeah, it's not just a salad bar. It's a beet salad bar. There was no math involved so I wouldn't... Well, you know what? You'd be surprised. Math is everywhere. Oh, is that one of the things you say to them? Start the music!

But wait, now, so it seems like you were around at the very beginning, an exciting time in culinary history, of the salad bar. Yeah, of the salad bar. Did they know they needed a sneeze guard from the jump, or was that trial and error? We may have installed the sneeze bar during the time that I worked there. That regulation may have come down.

And I had to clean, one of my jobs was to clean the sneeze. No one ever sneezed on the fucking sneeze guard. You know what it's like? The sneeze guard is there in the same way the TSA is there. No one brings a gun through because the TSA is there. You know what it's like? The sneeze guard is there in the same way the TSA is there. No one brings a gun through because the TSA is there. You know what I'm saying?

I think sneezing is less voluntary than bringing a gun. Right, but what I'm saying is, first of all... So, like, I have terrible allergies. And I have five different fucking kinds of allergy meds. And I take a different kind every day just hoping something will help. But if I were to just carry a sneeze guard and hold it up

then I wouldn't sneeze anymore. I don't need these meds. It's just a threat. Well I just think it tells people. No sneezing in here I tell myself. Don't applaud that. As if it's, fuck you. Fuck all of you.

How dare you? Yeah, I will wrap it up, Malcolm. I'll wrap it all the way up. As if that was like point, set, match, my stupid fucking point. No, that was an excellent point. Paul. Where's Malcolm? Did he give you a wrap it up sign? Yeah, he did. It's right over there. Malcolm gave me the wrap it up. Malcolm's right over there. What kind of sign do you use for the Paul! Where's Malcolm? Did he give you a wrap it up sign?

Yeah, he did. He's right over there. Malcolm gave me the wrap it up. Malcolm's right over there. What kind of sign do you use for the wrap it up, Malcolm? Do you go like that? Or you hold this up? You hold this up?

Yeah. Because for years you had been doing this, and he would go like this and keep talking? That doesn't work. When there's gesturing, I just get excited like a dog. I don't know what it means. I just know that they're excited. But if I see rap, then I know I

gotta wrap it up. We gotta keep this thing moving. Some people are auditory learners and other people are visual learners. One last question, and this is important because we're talking about salads. The point I was making with the sneeze guard was not that the sneeze guard stops people from sneezing. No, that's what you said, though.

That's not the point. No, that's not what I said. That's exactly what you said. That's what you inferred. Fuck, you are this close to being Trump's lawyer. That fucking... What I was saying... The point I was making

was only that the sneeze guard is a reminder, almost subconsciously, that this is not a place to sneeze forward. Paula, I'm sorry, you're right. You weren't a part and part of the civil rights movement, weren't you? It is not time to sneeze forward. Paula. Now is not the time. When is not time to sneeze forward. Now is not the time.

When is the time? If not now, when? If not here, where? That's right. Achoo, right there! I want everyone here to know that I insist on editing out anything that made me look dumb. Two points.

No, don't give her the sign. No chanting for Paula. No chanting for Paula. Look at the name on that fucking sign. It doesn't say Paula or leave it. It doesn't say Paula or leave it. Our next comic can be heard on Ghosted by Roz Hernandez. Please give it up for the incredibly funny Roz Hernandez.

Hey, Roz! There she is! What a mess I've made. Everybody, that's the last you'll see of Paula. Give it up for Paula. Thanks, Roz. All right, cut the track. I'm trans and I'm exhausted.

You got me on day 29 of Pride Month right now. I'm trying to harness whatever queer energy I got left here what if I just unzip this and Ellen DeGeneres popped out go Ellen go Ellen happy pride everybody alright where's the L's one lesbian in this whole building?

I'm also a lesbian. I didn't hear the L. A shy lesbian over there. Let's try it again. Where's the L's? Woo! That one went back in the closet. I want to be a lesbian. I want to be a lesbian so bad. Every single night before I go to bed,

I pray to Jesus that I will wake up a lesbian. I grew up Catholic. Flawless religion, by the way. Worked for me. My therapist just bought a new boat I want to be a lesbian so bad but here's the problem I'm attracted to men

right no I know it's not good but I'm like kind of like butch you know what I'm saying I got the boots on here's what it is I think I'm like of like Butch, you know what I'm saying? I got the boots on. I'm kind of Butch. Here's what it is.

I think I'm like a Butch straight lady. Do you know what I'm talking about? If you didn't grow up in a big city, then you know a certain kind of mom. You know what I'm talking about? She's usually a sports mom. But she's got a husband. She's got kids. But she's got the haircut mom but she's got a husband she's got kids but she's got the haircut

you know that lady Brenda that lady she's always walking into the room with her crotch furs Brenda my old man Steve love him to death she's always at the sports games like come on Falcons

defense just neck veins if you're not laughing She's always at the sports games like, come on, Falcons, defense! Just neck veins. If you're not laughing, it's because I'm talking about your mom. That's what's happening here. All right, where's the Gs? I was told this was a pride show. There's no gay men in this room. Cues, man, cues.

We'll get there. It's an order. All right, I guess we'll save it for the end. I used to be a gay man, then I retired. So I get it, I wouldn't say anything either. Where are the bees? All right. We got bees here. I get it. I wouldn't say anything either. Where are the bees? Alright. We got bees here. I like bees.

I date a lot of bees. Thank you. We'll date later. I'm currently on Love It or Leave It. A lot of people are going to be listening to this. I'm just going to say this. This is for everyone, actually. I'm going to be famous soon. Last chance to hook up with me before I'm famous.

Last chance. I'll be waiting out there at the end. Last chance. Because no offense, and we'll move on past this in a moment. No offense. Pretty soon, I'm not going to be sleeping with people like you guys anymore. Okay. No offense.

No offense. So tonight's the night. Pretty soon, I'm only going to be with famous people. I'm going to be at Illuminati mixers. I'm going to be

that hot girl at the Illuminati chili cook-off. You know what I'm saying? Where's the tease? Okay. We got a a trans a a trans

a little trans mouse in the audience I usually like to be the only one that's okay I actually know her we all know each other she did my hair actually

it's true she did my hair tonight doesn't it look good it's cause there were no gay men so yeah I'm trans it's pretty great I don't know I it's a lot of work I haven't had any

surgeries yet I mean pretty soon I think maybe I'm I'm having kind of a slow transition. You know what I mean? Like, this is my transition. Just five more minutes. I'll get big jumbo titties when I'm ready. These right here, this is padding, okay?

This is like, I haven't gotten breasts yet. So, I mean, like, if I move weird tonight, this is going to be some crooked media right here okay all right where's the cues all that for that all right we got a couple of cues a couple of questioning people. Maybe, I don't know. They're like, I was like super queer until I saw that person yelling at me. Now I don't know what I am. So we got queers.

Come on, queers. There's no other queers in the audience? Where am I? Okay. I have to be honest with you. I'm not even a comedian. I am just here taking a survey. I am from the Gay Straight Podcast Alliance.

This is not what I thought was going to happen. All right, where's the straight people? Too proud. Too proud. You're straight? Oh my god. Put a finger in your butt or something. Like, come on.

Straight in 2023? No, I love it. I welcome everybody. Non-binary people. Okay. We got a non-binary person. I love that. And I love that you sat in the middle. It's a very non-binary people. Okay. We got a non-binary person. I love that. And I love that you sat in the middle.

It's a very non-binary place to sit. Because, like, you're not on that side. You're not on that side. You're sort of in this space in between. I love that. I don't know. I'm trans, non-binary. Like, I don't know.

I feel like a woman. I sneeze like an uncle. So, sort of whatever that is. I started calling myself non-binary at a very specific time in history. Like a lot of non-binary people when LaCroix came out. That was the first time as a culture we were all

sort of like, is it soda? Is it water? Is it juice? It's just essence. You know? I identified with that. I was really hoping that we would have had like a big gay jamboree but um okay maybe this will unite everybody

anybody here jealous of people with obtainable dreams should have opened with that you know obtainable dreams. Should have opened with that. You know, obtainable dreams, like my mom, for example, it's not nothing, but like her whole dream in life

was to raise a child. It's not nothing, but you're welcome, bitch. You know what I mean? Like, she did it. Me, if comedy doesn't work out, my current backup plan is Supreme Court Justice

yes to look fancy cause a bunch of drama and wear a caftan I do that in Palm Springs every other month I can do that I couldn't do that I couldn't I've never even done jury

duty but I have written a script. Yeah, I know. I wrote a script. I'm sure there's a lot of industry here tonight. It is a courtroom drama. All non-binary cast. I see some of you are non-binary now.

Because you know I wrote a script. This town, I swear. Courtroom drama. All non-binary cast. It's called 12 Angry Them's. Well, I hope this has been like a good cultural experience for a lot of you tonight. You guys, I'm Roz.

Thank you so much for having me. One more time for Roz Hernandez. So funny. That was so great. That was so great. That was so great. Follow Roz at Roz Hernandez. Don't go anywhere.

This is Love It or Leave It, and there's more on the way. Hi, Paula. I love 12 Angry Them's. I love 12 Angry Them's I love 12 Angry Them's title of ep? possibly possibly

hey Paula you know before when you were dominating me I was trying to get to a question and the question was this hey do you remember when Caesar salad came out of nowhere?

Yeah, like a fucking tornado. It was nowhere, and then it was fucking everywhere. It was a specialty item, and it was at KFC. Right, exactly. It was KFC. It was right in between Crunch Berry and Frankenberry on the cereal shelf. Everything was Caesar salad. Caesar Everything was Caesar. Caesar salad. Caesar salad.

Everything. Caesar salad. I remember that time. The whole goddamn world went Caesar salad. I thought I was older than you, but that. I was sort of an older guy of you. You know, everything was fine and then there was Caesar salad everywhere.

Man can't sit down at the table and eat a meal without a fucking Caesar salad showing up. I didn't say I was against the try. I love Caesar salad. You don't like it? Yeah, I love Caesar. Well, I don't eat it anymore.

I try to swing vegan when it's easy. I probably told you this before. I try to swing vegan when it's easy. I probably told you this before. I try not to eat anything that, if it were alive, would rather I didn't. That's sort of how I... There's eggs and there's anchovies. I mean, a good Caesar salad has anchovies. Yeah, it does. It does.

But wait, so how... Like, do you eat shrimp? No. What do you mean? She didn't say no. She knew that I didn't because she remembered what I said. I know that she said, she said, no. Which is, if I were alive.

Don't try to build a connection. Yeah. She said she swings vegan. That's not vegan. That's swinging vegan. I'm just saying, you said you don't want to eat something that would rather you didn't.

My question would be by the philosophical meaning of rather. What shrimp have you ever talked about? Right? Have you ever seen a shrimp and it has little shrimpy eyes and it's like, eat me, eat me.

I'm saying it's on the border between having feelings such that it would rather or rather not, and not having such feelings. Like, do you think you can eat a clam? Could you eat a clam? Do you think a clam No, I don't eat clams. But that's not because it would rather you didn't eat it.

I said, if it could talk, would rather I didn't. But that's a big, what? Hey, quick question for you. What is it like to be a bat? Okay. I'm just going to, this guy's going to feel that because he understands you. It's like to be a bat.

If a mollusk could talk, it would be a different thing. It wouldn't be a mollusk anymore. It would be an animal with enough awareness and brain to say it has feelings. different thing. It wouldn't be a mollusk anymore. It would be an animal with enough awareness and brain to say it has feelings, but it doesn't. It's just shooting water jets out and crawling on the sand.

It's easier to just accept that you're going to eat a lot of rice and beans. That's how I do it. I just go, I'm going to eat a lot of rice and beans and potato chips. God, I love potato chips. Where are you at on honey? Honey?

I will eat honey. It does bother bees. You're bothering bees when you eat honey. But I saw the bee movie. And, you know, it carries you the whole, makes you swing both ways, the bee movie. Because there's a period of time where you share their outrage. And you feel like, yeah, fucking don't eat honey. And then you see what happens

to the planet. Join What A Day for a special pride bonus episode. Join what? Join who? What A Day. I'm doing a promo. I just took the space to do a promo. Join What A Day. What's What A Day? It's our daily news show.

Every morning comes out. It's like, What A Day. Oh my gosh. You should check it out. Is it on a Day? It's our daily news show. Every morning comes out. It's like, what a day. Oh my gosh. You know? I should, is it on a podcast? It's a podcast, yeah. Oh yeah, I gotta listen to that. It's also a newsletter in the evening. Oh wow.

So you get your morning news and your evening news, one by ear and one by word. They have a special Pride bonus episode that's out now to commemorate the anniversary of Stonewall, plus the host is down with Memphis-based drag queen and Tennessee native Bella Duvall. Did I say that right? with Memphis-based drag queen and Tennessee native Bella Duvall. Did I say that right? Like Bella Duvall.

Oh, Bella Duvall. God damn it. Oh! Yeah, we got it. That's not how it's spelled and it does have a smear on the... Thanks, Paul. What's the difference between toner and ink? So check out Whataday every morning, Monday through Friday, wherever you get your podcasts.

What is the difference? I don't know. One time I was an intern. One time you were an intern? One time I was an intern, and I was replacing the toner on a big copier. And I had this container of toner, and then I tripped. And I fell in front of,

it was like I had to leave the offices I was in and walk past these very fancy law offices, and I tripped, and I left an implacable, unmovable, disgusting, big black splotch of toner in front of an unrelated company's front door. It looked like a protest of some sort. Yeah, it looked like I was upset at the law offices of whoever.

It looked like a nasty trick of some, like not a good neighbor thing. No. Yeah. No, and they saw it happen. It wasn't like I got away with it. They saw it happen. Yeah.

But what was I going to do? Yeah. That's not a problem I had. I would say hold on to it and stay standing. Absolutely. Just devastated. You know, there's more than one way of doing things. You know we're from Netflix.

You chose the way where you left a big fucking thing. Did you clean it up? So we tried. Couldn't, did the whole business have to move? Did both businesses have to move? Here's what I felt was my obligation as an unpaid intern between my junior and senior year of high school,

which was to do the best that I could with the tools that I was given during the time I was meant to be there. Yeah. You just walked away. Is that correct? No, no. I didn't just walk away.

I did get as much of it up as I possibly could, but it was not solvable. It was there. It was part of the carpet then. It's toner. It famously just loves to cover whatever. It doesn't know the difference between a copier and the carpet.

It just did what it did best. Yeah, it's instinct. It's absolute toner instinct. It's training kicked in. Okay. Wait a minute, I have a hair in my mouth. God, I hate that. I don't know how cats fucking stand it. But you remember before.

Or Cher either, for that matter. You know how Cher's always doing that? You know, I let my hair grow during the stay-at-home order. I didn't cut my hair for a long time. It was down my back a ways. I just constantly had hair in my mouth. It really made me admire Cher. Because she's such a performer,

and you never saw her go like, ah, ah. Did you have Caesar dressing on the salad bar? No, because this is pre-Caesar. This is pre, getting the wrap. Yeah. You're getting the Caesar,

you're getting the Caesar wrap. This was, ah. I got the Caesar wrap. You got the, yeah. Let's bring out our next incredible comic.

Yeah. You know her from Netflix, Comedy Central, and right here on Love It or Leave It. Please give it up for the incredibly funny Robin Tran.

Central and right here on Love It or Leave It. Please give it up for the incredibly funny Robin Tran. Sorry for interrupting. You know. I feel bad, you know. They're all having fun. Here's a performance. Every comedian of the show was trans.

You guys know that? Yeah. Usually I'm not on all trans shows because that's what it says in my contract. What the fuck? No, usually when I'm out in public, I'm not doing stand-up. Usually when I'm out in public, I'm reading books to all your children.

So, really good. Anyone here have any books I can read to your fucking children? That's what I want to do. I want to read books threateningly to your children. No children's books, by the way. I'm reading AP English dystopian sci-fi to your fucking kids, all right? Reading a Clockwork Orange to your fucking children.

Imagine if there was a drag queen that was reading to children, but it was all right-wing conspiracy books. What would the conservatives do? They're like, oh, we hate drag queens, but we do like indoctrinating children, so we're kind of... You know what would be a good name for a conservative drag queen?

Tucker Carlson. Pretty good. All right, John and Paul, I'm kidding. and Paul Alright back to the show guys I'm not a drag queen If you don't know the difference between a transgender woman and a drag queen A transgender woman is what I am And a drag queen is what my dad thinks I am So that's the difference

I'm not a drag queen, all right? I'm not a fucking drag queen. Drag queens are dudes who dress up like chicks, and they're still a dude, all right? I'm not a fucking dude. Fuck that, all right? You're dressing up like a girl, and you're still a dude? Leave it to a man to not commit to anything.

Am I right, ladies? All right. That usually does well for very straight women crowds. They love it. Yes! I am addicted to porn. Thank you. And I remember the date.

I realized I was addicted to porn. Okay, I remember the date. It was March 16th, 2020. We were two days into lockdown. I don't know if you guys remember this, but different websites were giving us incentives to stay home

for the pandemic, right? I don't know if you guys remember this, but Pornhub gave us all a free month of Pornhub Premium. I looked at my laptop and I said out loud to myself, it was all worth it. I said this out loud. And I meant it.

I fucking meant it. And look, and I'm Asian, so I like a good discount, right? And so I was jacking off to scenes that I didn't even like to jack off to, but it was like, it's free, you know, it's available. You pass up a good discount. Free is a good discount. I'm just jacking off to how it's free. I'm like, this is free? Oh, yeah. Woo! Saving a lot of money right now. And I don't masturbate to the sex stuff. I

masturbate to concepts and stuff. Here's the thing. I am on the ace spectrum, okay? And look, LGBTQIA plus community, look, let's just get rid of the A, okay? Because no one gives a fuck about the asexuals, okay? You go into like an LGBTQIA chat, it's all like, are you a top? Are you a bottom?

Are you a verse? Which do you like to eat ass? Do you like to suck dick and suck girl dick and you fuck nine guys at the same time while they're splooging five chicks over nine dudes? And I'm like, I'm here to talk about healthcare. I don't know what the fuck are you guys all... Basically, I am a horny asexual.

And I learned that there is a term for this and I never say it out loud because it's so annoying that I know this about myself, right? The term that I am is I am an egosexual. And if somebody walked up to me and I didn't know what that was

and they said that to me, I would punch them with a closed fist. I'd be like, what? You're a what? An egosexual? Anyway, that's what I am. So I jack off to concepts and stuff, okay? Like, I'll watch, like, interracial lesbian porn, and I won't masturbate to the sex. I just jack off to the fantasy that racism and sexism are over.

I'm just like, oh, yeah. What a better world this would be if this is a... Oh, yeah. Fuck yeah. And when I say I'm addicted to porn, I mean specifically lesbian porn, This is a... Oh, yeah. Fuck yeah. And when I say I'm addicted to porn, I mean specifically lesbian porn. Because it's all stories.

Yes, it's all stories, right? And I like a good story. I like stories. I like it when it's a really long story, like a lot of foreplay, right? Because I like to trick my brain into thinking that I'm not watching porn. So when they start fucking, I'm just like,

oh my God, what do we have here? Oh my God, really? Oh my god. I just thought you guys didn't have any rent money. I didn't know this is what you had to do for it. Oh my god. This is your first time? Really? Oh my god. My favorite porn

scene. My favorite foreplay porn scene. I can't find it anymore, but this is real. It was these two women had a 15-minute discussion about white privilege. And I came during the discussion. I was like, oh my god, how productive.

I hope other people are watching this right now. Pretty fucking phenomenal. I like trans porn. No one ever cheers for that because they're all liars liars I like trans porn

so I hate it when people are like Robin you should never use transphobic slurs I'm like what do you want me to type into my porn search engine what do you want me to type in nice lady with penis gets respected what the fuck? Now, I watch about 99% lesbian porn and about 1% gay porn. Just to switch it up a little bit, you know?

I can't watch straight porn. If you're straight, I'm sorry, but your lifestyle repulses me. I think you still have rights and all that, but you make me want to vomit, you know? I literally turn away when you're kissing on TV. watch a 99% lesbian porn 1% gay porn and here's the thing men by themselves repulse me okay but when two guys are hooking up i'm like okay now we're cooking with gas all right this is this is kind of hot you know i just love that they're not out there

bothering women you know what i Like, that's my favorite. I got so excited, I went right to the porn stuff. I had, like, I had a bunch of stuff about the Vietnam War, and it's, like, too late to do any of it. Because there's, like, so much, there's, like, a lot of funny jokes about the Vietnam War.

And, like, the best part of the joke is, is I go, like, it's, like, a long set, just pretend I did the set up, and I go, like, you know, basically that Americans make a lot of Vietnam War movies that are, like, overdramatic and stuff. It's all a distraction, because they don't want you to notice

that they're embarrassed that they lost the war to Vietnamese people. And that's, like, really embarrassing, all right? Look, look, Vietnamese people are tiny, silly people, okay? And I can say that. I can say that because I'm racist, okay? All right, everyone, that is my time. Thank you guys so much.

Robin Tran, everybody. That was so great. Follow Robin at RobinTran04. Paul, one more time. Come back out here, please. Paula. Paula. Paula.

Paula. Paula. Oh, my gosh. That was fun. That was so funny. Paul. Paul. Yeah.

I think we learned a lot tonight. I've learned a tremendous amount. I think so. Yeah. Me too. Yeah.. I think so. Yeah. Me too. Yeah. Salad bar history. Yeah.

Toner instinct. Yeah. Yep. Civil rights. Yeah. Came up obliquely. Yeah. Civil rights caught kind of a foul ball, I'd say, from...

What was it? Sneezing forward? We're sneezing forward and we're not sneezing backward anymore yeah not after everything we've seen not everything

yeah yeah okay we've learned alright you don't have to go on that ride honey let's get

let's get you what are we gonna get me let's get you a soda and some candy soda and candy some $15 candy some $15 something maybe Mickey Mouse shaped.

Yeah. Someone with ears. Oh my God. We used to go to Disneyland a lot when my kids were little. My son actually tried to bid on a wench in the Pirates of the Caribbean. He was about that big. He tried to bid on a wench. Like two doubloons for a wench.

Yeah. We thought we lost him at one point. We were over near the lagoon or whatever it was where the Mark Twain boat goes. I look around. He's not there. We were with some friends and my daughters. And we were like,

Thomas, where's my son? And we couldn't find him and uh i'm looking in the water i thought shit i'll bet he fell down in there and then a security guard came up to me and he had my son by the hand and he slaps a sticker on my son's back and it has a line on as a picture of mickey mouse but it has a line on it and the security guard says write your phone number right there. And I go to write a number. And my daughter goes, Mom, that's not your number.

It was an accident. I just transposed something. So I just am realizing that there's a protocol. Because obviously, this is Disney. Kids are disappearing and reappearing on a probably near constant basis. It's probably not even my kid. It was probably, they just take him back to the, you know, they put him in an outfit and out he comes.

And because we all need it this week, here it is, the high note. I love it. This is one of your Gen Z listeners out all the way in Michigan. My high note this week is that the common sense gun legislation was passed by the newly Democratic Michigan legislature. Considering that we've had two insanely awful school shootings in Michigan within the past few years, this is really, really great news, and it's amazing to see all these young activists come out and really, you know, kind of impact change that they want to see in the great state of Michigan.

Thank you. Bye. Hi, my name is Stephanie. I am from Alexandria, Virginia. And my hand up this week is just a shout out to my cousin, Josiah Blunt, who just finished his run of a one-man show at the Hollywood Fringe Festival. He wrote this show all by himself about his time as a queer artist who found himself in the closet of an anti-gay church in conversion therapy. And so his show is really exploring that, grappling with his faith and sexuality, and it's a love letter to queerness. So I'm so proud of Josiah.

I just wanted to tell him how much we all love him and so proud of all that he's done and all that he will do. Thanks so much for all you guys do. Hi, Lemonennart. This is Christina from Berkeley, California. And my high note this week is that the Girls on the Run team that I've been coaching, this spring they completed their community impact project, which is making hygiene kits for our unhoused neighbors and also completing the 5K that they've been training

for. And they all did so great. And it was so great to see them care about their community and then accomplish a goal together as a team. So thanks. Bye. Hey, Love It. This is Emily from Southern California. And my high note for the week is I wanted to celebrate and shout out my best friend and sister-in-law, Megan, who received a very prestigious award at the university that she works at here in Southern California. And she works in the DEI center and does training for the very important topic of DEI. But for several years, she worked in the resource center, the LGBTQ resource center at this institution, but was nominated and received a very prestigious award called the Charles Weiss Service Award. So it was named after the former director of this institution's counseling center and honors outstanding contributions made to the LGBTQ and

allies campus community. So I just wanted to shout out to Megan during this pride month. Um, and that I love them and, uh, I am just so happy for them. Anyways. Thanks. Love it. Thanks for all you do. Happy pride. Do you have a high note every week? Yeah. It just plays for the people at home because people call in, they call in and leave a story about something that, that gave them hope this week, you know, like, Hey, I got my new job. I'm, I just got engaged. That kind of thing. People tell a story about something that gave them hope this week. Oh, people call in? You know, like, hey, I got my new job. I just got engaged, that kind of thing. People tell a story. Oh, and then people call up?

I became a citizen. With a story of hope? I became a citizen of another country. Is that why you guys come to the show? Because you have no hope. Thanks to everybody who shared a high note tonight. If you want to leave us a message about something that gave you hope, you can call us at 323-538-2377.

Shit. That was the phone number I put on the sticker on my son's shirt. But back to that, and I'm really glad you brought that back up. He probably works here. He's an unpaid intern. If you lose your child once

at Disney World, their protocol is get a number on the back of that shirt because once a runner, always a runner. You know how certain dogs, they run? Certain dogs don't run. Yeah. One of your kids ran. Yeah.

I don't know. You know, it never occurred to me to ask him where he went. It was very busy that day, and I think he just, he probably wasn't that far away. We didn't look for, I mean, we did look, but we didn't. It wasn't a plan for him to come back. You know what? You were trying to leave with one for your kid.

We went to the Golden Horseshoe. We watched a couple of shows in there, and then we went back out to where we thought we lost him. We went over to California Adventure, you know, because it's cheaper. No, he wasn't gone that long, so I don't think he got that far. I think there were just so many people, and he was short, you know, he was a little boy. They were small kids. Right, and I think you're looking at, you know, jeans

and, right. Everyone's mom, when you're a little kid, it's a memory that a lot of little kids have, and it's seared into your mind. It's the moment you realize you're holding a new hand, and it belongs to the wrong adult. Yeah. And I think, I actually think really what American politics has been for the last eight years is a collective

traumatic experience of as adults having the experience and looking up and realize we're all holding the wrong hand when you think about it. Yeah, that's deep. That's very deep. Do you think that was a good place to end the show? No. And that's our show. Guys, that was a good place to end the show? no and that's our show

guys give it up for the incredible the legendary Paula Poundstone go to her website paulapoundstone.com for tour dates and check out her weekly podcast

Nobody Listens to Paula Poundstone it's great I've been on it we had a blast thanks again to Robin Tran Pink Fox Nori Reed, and Roz Hernandez. There are 496 days

until the 2024 elections. Have a great weekend and happy Pride. Love It or Leave It is a Crooked Media production. It is written and produced by me, John Lovett, and Lee Eisenberg.

Kendra James is our executive producer. Brian Semel is our producer and Malcolm Whitfield is our associate producer. Howie Keeper is our head writer. Sarah Lazarus, Jocelyn Kaufman, Pauly Gunalan, Peter Miller, Rebecca Kaplan, Alan Pierre, Chandler Dean are our writers. Bill Lance is our editor. Stephen Colon is our audio engineer and Kyle Seglin provides audio support. Our theme song is written and performed by Sure Sure. Thanks to our designers, Jesse McLean and Caroline Haywood for creating and running all of our visuals,

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