Lovett or Leave It - Queerbait of The Union

Episode Date: February 11, 2023

Biden mixes it up and Mitt says what we’re all thinking. What a week. Ron Perlman teaches us how to tell people off. Gus Kenworthy evades Lovett’s hard-hitting questions by suggesting he take up curling. Anyone can do it! Cupid points his bow at Producer Malcolm, as Katrina Davis helps him find love on a conservative dating app. And Harry Styles’ stylist (Christina Catherine Martinez) explains the method to Harry’s queer(bait?) madness. Plus, mwah mwah mwah — it’s the Love Wheel. For a closed-captioned version of this episode, click here. For a transcript of this episode, please email [e-mail] and include the name of the podcast.

Hello, Los Angeles. Welcome to Love It or Leave It, live or else, if this episode sounds a little more delicious. It's because it was produced by Sweet Sweet Unionized Labor. All right, Norma Rae. We've got a great show for you tonight. Gus Kenworthy is here. Katrina Davis is here.

She's on a mission to help Malcolm find a right-wing lover. Nobody knows what that means. Ron Perlman is here. And he's going to give you permission to be an asshole. Harry Styles' stylist is here. And he's going to give you permission to be an asshole. Harry Styles' stylist is here.

And getting invited on pods like this just doesn't usually happen to people like her. And Christina Catherine Martinez joins us for the love wheel, which is like the rant wheel, but the opposite. For Valentine's. Alright.

But first, let's get into it. What a week. President Biden addressed the nation on Tuesday with this year's State of the Union. Happy Hump Day, America, he began. The new Republican majority was, of course, on their best behavior. Nearly 25% of the entire national debt

that took over 200 years to accumulate was added by just one administration alone. The last one. They're the facts. Check it out. Check it out. After Republicans booed their own plan to cut Social Security, Biden declared the idea dead in the water, saying this. So, folks, as we all apparently agree, Social Security and Medicare is off the books now, right? They're not to be stopped. All right. All right.

We got unanimity. Imagine getting lured into a trap by Joe Biden on live TV It's like if the Roadrunner were 80 years old If an anvil falls on you, that's on you You weird, obsessive desert dog We also can't let Republicans hug They still want to get rid of Social Security and Medicare You still got a taste for it.

The heckling from Republicans grew so obnoxious, Kevin McCarthy actually issued several shushes. Investing in our alliances and working with our allies. You can't hear them at home, but it was a couple of shushes. It was very much like a parent seeing a child misbehaving, but not wanting to make a spectacle. Marjorie talked about that. Didn't work, though. Chief among the rabble-rousers was Marjorie Taylor Greene, who shouted liar when President Biden said this accurate statement. Instead of making the wealthy pay their fair share,

some Republicans want Medicare and Social Security to sunset. I'm not saying it's a majority. That's a lie, shouted Green, dressed like a background actor from a Snowpiercer train car. Near the front. Unexpectedly, the scene stealer of the night was none other than mitt romney in a tense exchange before the speech the utah senator reportedly told george santos you don't belong here romney quickly added you belong in pictures according to according to george santos in one thrilling section of his address,

Biden called on Congress to pass the Junk Fee Prevention Act, which would crack down on hidden charges from banks, hotels, airlines, and other service providers. We're making airlines show you the full ticket price up front. Refund your money if your flight is canceled or delayed. We've reduced exorbitant bank overdrafts by saving consumers more than $1 billion a year. These places call themselves a resort.

There better be a little swan on my pillow when I get back there. With my girl Jill. And all Biden has to add is everyone behind spam calls must be executed and he will win in the biggest landslide this country has ever seen. President Biden invited some very special guests to the speech, Paul Pelosi and of course Bono. Bono originally planned to bring along another poem

about Zelensky, but everyone decided that Paul Pelosi had been through enough. Bono, Paul Pelosi, throw in a pint of Jenny's ice cream and that's nighttime Nancy's. Holy Trinity. Have a little rocky road and fuck Paul Pelosi and Bono, Paul Pelosi, throw in a pint of Jenny's ice cream and that's nighttime Nancy's. Holy Trinity. Have a little rocky road and fuck Paul Pelosi and Bono. The former president was busy making news before Biden's big address. In a series of truths, Donald Trump posted photos that claimed to show Ron DeSantis drinking with high schoolers while he was a teacher and accusing him of grooming these teen girls.

Yeah. Now, I want to be very careful about how we discuss this because on the one hand, Republicans have spent years looking the other way while Donald Trump accuses his adversaries without evidence of evil and heinous shit just to avoid accountability for his own crimes and abuses. But on the other hand, I don't like Ron DeSantis. DeSantis responded to Trump's post at a press conference on Wednesday by dismissing the insinuation.

I don't spend my time trying to smear other Republicans. Where would I find time to smear other Republicans? I am too busy smearing teenage girls who want to be just okay at field hockey. field hockey. Over the weekend, Harry Whittington, who became famous in 2006 when then-Vice President

Dick Cheney shot him in the face, died at age 95. Cheney said of his friend, he will be dearly missed. Get it? Then for old time's sake, he fired at the coffin

with a 12-gauge shotgun. An 82-year-old woman was pronounced dead in her nursing home only for funeral home staff to notice she was breathing almost three hours later. The woman was transported back to California in time to declare her re-election bid for the United States Senate. A neo-Nazi leader has been charged with plotting an attack on the Maryland power grid along with his girlfriend, whom he met while they were incarcerated in separate prisons. I bet those two prison wardens

are really regretting that Sadie Hawkins dance now. House Republicans held a hearing this week focusing on Twitter's handling of the Hunter Biden laptop story. In one exchange with Twitter executives, AOC extracted an admission that Twitter changed its own policy after Trump violated it in order to accommodate his odious tweets about immigrants. Twitter changed its own policy after Trump violated it in order to accommodate his odious tweets about immigrants. Twitter changed their own policy after the president violated it in order to potentially accommodate his tweet? Yes. Thank you. So much for bias against right wing on Twitter. Hell yeah. In another highlight, Gen Z's own Congressman Maxwell Frost asked a former member of Twitter's

content moderation team to read a classic Chrissy Teigen tweet into the record. Would you like me to give the direct quote? Yeah. Please excuse my language, this is a direct quote, but Chrissy Teigen referred to Donald Trump as a pussy ass bitch. Okay. Please preach.

referred to Donald Trump as a pussy-ass bitch. Okay. Please preach. This marks the first time the words pussy-ass bitch have been uttered in Congress since whenever Marjorie Taylor Greene last screamed them at a mom in an SEIU shirt. The former Twitter exec confirmed that the White House had immediately asked Twitter to take down

the pussy-ass bitch tweet. They wanted it to come down. They made that request. To my recollection, yes. I thought that was an inappropriate action by a government official. Let alone the White House. Yeah. Genuine attempt at censorship. They originally tried to flag it as misinformation, but in requesting that the tweet be taken down, Trump became a pussy-ass bitch.

Rendering the tweet even more accurate. The very act of denying that you are a pussy-ass bitch. Rendering the tweet even more accurate. The very act of denying that you are a pussy-ass bitch transforms you into one. It's what's known in quantum physics as the Heisenbich uncertainty principle. Also this week, the staff of the world's greatest progressive media company, Crooked Media, announced their intention to unionize

with the Writers Guild of America East. Citing a need for greater pay equity and transparency as well as prioritization of diversity in our continued growth, the punchline to this joke

will be determined after a collaborative and good faith collective bargaining process. Unrelated, does anyone here have a contact for the Pinkertons?

I don't, I don't know, I don't know if there's, forget it, never mind. It's fine. I need a Pinkerton. In more news about workers who are finally getting the kind of recognition they deserve,

come on, Brian, how many? This Sunday, Viola Davis became the 18th person in history to achieve EGOT status with her Grammy win for best audio book. It is really amazing the performance she gives. She absolutely disappears into the character. My penis was oscillating between extremely sensitive and borderline traumatized. The last place I wanted to be was Frostnipistan. Incredible.

Incredible performance there by Viola Davis. Absolutely disappears into that performance. Of course, I'm kidding her grammy is for narrating her upcoming memoir how to hide a body roughly the size of best actress nominee andrea riseborough beyonce won four awards becoming the most decorated artist in grammy history but renaissance lost album of the year to harry styles is harry's house when accepting the award harry said that this doesn't happen to people like me very often. By people like me, Harry obviously meant British men with relatively normal-sized mouths.

As this is an audio medium, I will tell people that we have Freddie Mercury, Mick Jagger, they have giant mouths, and then Paul McCartney, tiny little mouth. In more diva news, Barbara Streisand has finished her long-awaited memoir, My Name is Barbara, which was reportedly 1,040 pages long. The book will be translated into over a dozen languages,

including emoji for Lea Michele. In honor of New York Fashion Week, Panera is launching a limited edition purse that is perfectly sized to carry one of their sandwiches. Finally, a purse for someone whose taste in fashion is as terrible as their taste in food. I don't even have a joke. I just was thinking about it. I don't understand Panera. It has bread in the name, and the bread sucks. It's the only exception to what I believe is an ironclad rule, which is love them or hate them. If there is a chain that has hundreds of locations

and makes billions of dollars and has a food item in the name of the restaurant, it's awesome. Like, IHOP, you know you're getting a good pancake. You know what I mean? Not a Panera bread. Place stinks. I truly, like, it's a mystery to me.

Does anyone here like Panera? What is going on? Is it a fucking front? Are we going to find out it's a mystery to me Does anyone here like Panera? What is going on? Is it a fucking front? Are we going to find out it was a front? Maybe that's where the fentanyl's coming in Stinks Two Italian nuns In the town of Rovello

Have been relieved of their service By order of the Pope After refusing to transfer to more populated monasteries So in case you're wondering That's what gets you fired from the Catholic Church. Anyway, it was sad to see the nuns go. People wept when they turned in their

guns and badges. New Zealand police said Wednesday that they found more than three tons of cocaine floating in a remote part of the Pacific Ocean after it was dropped there by an international drug smuggling syndicate. The police were able to find it when a humpback whale tried to tell them his idea for a dating app

where the women have to be super hot. And finally, a dog trainer in Germany made history as he broke the world record for most dogs in a conga line, 14 dogs. The man claimed he got the idea after having previously broken the world record for biggest loser with too much time on his hands When we come back

Golden Globe winner Ron Perlman swings by And we're back Here to guide us through the rough turbulent waters of etiquette in 2023 it's our dear Abbey himself, the incredible Ron Perlman. Hi, how are you? Thanks for being here.

Nice to see you. How are you doing? Well, what have you heard? Well, I'm a little bit nervous because you're perfectly lovely and nice. And yet... You really don't know me. And yet. Well, that's the vibe I've gotten so far.

And yet. Such a generous approach. In your performances and in stories about you in the world, you don't take any shit. It's completely overblown. So you take a lot of shit. I take a lot of shit. I'm married. I take a lot of shit.

I'm so married. I used to be six foot four. Now I'm 5'11". So lot of shit I'm so married, I used to be 6'4 Now I'm 5'11 So that's how married I am So, just two tall heights as far as I'm concerned Two versions of a tall guy One a little taller than the other, both very tall So last year you called Governor Ron DeSantis

A Nazi pig for Florida's Don't Say Gay Bill. First of all, thank you. You're welcome. Any other phrases come to mind about Ron DeSantis lately? No, I think I really spent a lot of time on that phrase. You know, I have a master's degree in English, so I'm qualified to say unequivocally that, you know, Nazi pig. I mean, I really searched the language high and wide to just, I wanted to, you know, have the bone mow and get it right all at once. But he's not a Nazi pig.

No, I think Nazi pig is great. I think it's tight. I think it gets to the point. Nazi tells us something about his views and his ideology. gets to the point. Nazi tells us something about his views and his ideology. I mean, I'd almost run out of phrases on Trump, but, you know, then this guy comes along and

you really have to, like, rethink. Well, I think what's beautiful about it is it ends on a hard sound, and the Nazi part tells us about his, like, kind of ideology and his philosophy, and the pig part tells us about his personality. You know what I mean? Excellent. I like that about it.

Excellent. It's like you read my mind. I like the old saying, you can be a bull, you can be a bear, but don't be a pig. You know? Right. And people got upset that I just said that. I don't get it. I mean, this is a guy who's proudly defining himself as somebody who is very quick to scapegoat and isolate the other

so that him and his grievance friends can all feel superior, whitely superior. And then he goes and bans books. I mean, if that's not a fucking fascist playbook, if that's not what the Nazis were doing, almost move for move. Did you see him in those go-go boots? In the go-go boots? Yeah, the white go-go boots. Did you see that image? I don't believe I have. He wore white go-go boots?

He did. Do you remember that? Do people know about the white go-go boots? Yeah, I mean, I know accessories are important, but come on. I mean, yeah, so Nazi pig. It was during a rainstorm. Oh, it was during a rainstorm. It was during a rainstorm. Oh, I'm sorry. Maybe it was... I thought it was. It was during a rainstorm. Oh, I'm sorry. I thought it was maybe he was on...

He looked perfectly dry to me. I thought maybe it was like when he was on Drag Race or something. So I think speaking your mind and calling something out, it reminded us of something that happened this week, which is The Cut published an article called Do You Know How to Behave? Are You Sure? How to Text, Tip, Ghost, host, and generally exist in polite society. And a lot of it were about things you shouldn't say or shouldn't do to be nice. But

sometimes I think etiquette demands saying something that people need to hear, even if it isn't nice. Sometimes you have to speak up. And so we wanted to run through a few of these to see what your thoughts were on some of these etiquette advices. Someone who famously speaks his mind. This is what their advice was, genuinely. You can callously cancel almost any plans up to 2 p.m. So if you have plans for dinner with someone that night, you can cancel up to 2 p.m. There's ample time for your friend to text around and find another dinner, but by 3, they'll be alone. So you can cancel on anyone by 2 p.m. What do you think about that? Perfectly fine. That whole thing about, well,

you know, you made the appointment, so I'm going to charge you the whole $450 for the session. You know, not that I'm talking about my shrink, but, you know. For example. How far in advance do you think you should be able to cancel the appointment with the shrink? Do you think it has to be 24 hours? Do you think the night before should be enough? If there was a right way to do it, you wouldn't need the

fucking shrink to begin with. You know what I mean? He should know that better than anybody. Or she. I'm sorry if I'm sounding sexy. That's a really good point. If the therapy had been working, I'd have had the wherewithal to cancel this well in advance, but I didn't because

my life is a fucking shambles. So where have you been, doctor? Doc, you know this is a total asshole thing what I'm about to do, but come on! Six years. Maybe if I had a better relationship with my parents, if I had a better relationship with my parents, I'd keep this appointment.

Next question. Think about that logic. Think about that. Maybe think about that. I have a great relationship with my parents who listen to every episode of this show. Next was never wake up your significant other on purpose. That is so true. Never? What if you have a really funny idea?

Well, you know, that could happen in your household, but there's no funny ideas. Maybe there's a rule I should have followed. I've been out here five minutes. You know there's no funny ideas. Maybe there's a rule I should have followed. I've been out here five minutes. You know there's no funny ideas coming up. Is it okay to ghost after one date? You go on one date with someone, never talk to them. Fuck yeah.

I mean, it's okay to ghost when they get up to go to the bathroom. You could disappear at any moment. If you don't know in the first two minutes then you know i'm sorry you know you're you know i'm a kind of a you know shoot from the hip kind of guy like that's the sense we're getting that's the sense we're getting don't wait for the right time to break up with someone if you wait until january 3rd to break up with someone they know you wanted to do it before christmas so therefore you should have done it on New Year's Day. What do you think?

I think we're going to have to go to the audience for that one. What do you think? That's a tricky one. Let's say you've decided, you've come to the final conclusion, it's December 23rd, and you're like, this shit has to end. Do you do it?

On the 23rd. Oh, right. Okay. Not all heroes wear capes, I guess. Other than that person, do you do it right then? Do you wait till January 3rd? Or do you do it in the middle? When are you doing it? Your wait till the 3rd? 28th? 28th? Technically a work week? New Year's Day? Caroline's done it on New Year's Day. And no regrets.

I think if you appear at this fellow's podcast, then you are working really, really hard to be a good citizen and be reft of hypocrisy, which means you do it on the fucking 23rd, man. Wow. Wow. All right. This, I think, is an an interesting one if your friend is dating someone you seriously object to you have one shot to sit down and tell them but then if you don't if you miss it you miss it that's it you get one chance to have that

conversation you got to let it go you just got to leave that one alone man because i don't i know a lot of really smart people but when it comes to the affairs of the heart, they're completely fucking bonkers. And they have their right to be. I'm guilty as charged as well, so you leave it alone. You leave it alone? Let's say it's your closest friend, and you know they're marrying someone. You've been holding back this feeling like it's the wrong thing. You don't have that one conversation. Like I have to tell you before you make this decision,

as my friend, I need to tell you, I have concerns. You don't do that. You say no, you'd let it go. I let it go because I have said in the past, don't do this. And it's the end of a perfectly good friendship. I mean, you know, it's like, right. Cause they, they go through with it and they can't look you in the eyes because in your eyes, they see the feeling that they have because deep down in your eyes they see the truth. Yeah. They're not mad at you.

They're mad at the thing you made them feel. Exactly. That's something to think about. I don't know about you but I'm having a fucking ball over here. He's having a great time. When you made that Alien Resurrection,

which I actually genuinely love, did you go into that room with the different shapes, Sigourney Weaver, Alien Resurrection, which I actually genuinely love, did you go into that room with the different shapes, Sigourney Weaver, Alien, Combo, Horrors? Did you see that room? Did that exist, or was that all digital? No, that existed. That was practical, as they say in the trade. It was not digital. It was all things that took months and months and months and a lot of artistry to build.

Did they know it was going to haunt people? Forever? Just when they're falling asleep, they would picture a creepy half-alien, half-Sagordi Weaver dying creature saying, kill me? No, they didn't know that at all. That was completely... Did that happen? Happened to me. I think about it all the time.

I laughed my ass off. You thought that was funny? Fuck, man. I was too young. He's got that was funny? Fuck, man. That movie freaked me out. I was too young. He's got an elbow coming out of his ear. Shit. That's so funny.

All right, I always wanted to ask you that. And now you have. All right, inspired by your Ron on Ron violence, we would like to now open it to... And boy, who hasn't watched Ron on Ron on those lonely nights at 3 a.m.? Sometimes even earlier. In the spirit of etiquette

around telling somebody the truth, like Ron DeSantis, we want to hear a scenario from someone in the audience. If you have a question for Ron about whether or not you should say something to a friend or someone in your life really kind of if the etiquette allows for you to say fuck off uh please ask uh Brian is out there please raise your hand if you have a question to a couple uh so this is basically our version of

you know on you know on you get it pearls of Yeah, no, and I remember making that face. Right before I came out here. Oh, that John Lovett. It's happened again. Fuck! Power through, John. You put yourself in the line of fire, this is what happens. So, you know, on a lot of message words on Reddit, you can say, am I the asshole?

But this is where you're going to ask the question, may I be the asshole? All right? So where is a moment in your life where you've said, I want to be an asshole, is it allowed? Okay? Please raise your hand if you have an example of a story or something in your life where you want permission to be an asshole. Hi, what's your name? Can I stay anonymous? Absolutely.

Just say a name. That is a total asshole thing. Susan. Susan. Hi, Susan. What's your question? So I was moving, a friend of a friend taking over my lease. And I think she mistook me as a person moving out and giving her a great deal on a great apartment

as like her real estate broker. She wanted to come over four times, take measurement. She was like, just texting me question after question after question. And now even after I moved, she's like, there's a suspicious van outside. Have you seen this van? And I'm like, I don't live there anymore. Why are you texting me? So I would have blocked her before, but she's a friend of a friend. So how soon can I block her? It's been two weeks, and I'm still getting texts. Oh, man.

I mean, you know, if you haven't blocked her by now, you may as well just write it off as entertainment value. Obviously, you're dealing with it quite well. You seem well-adjusted and everything. Yeah, I think if you block them now, they're gone from your life forever. That's what I want. I'm pretty comfortable with that.

I'm pretty comfortable with that. Good luck, Susan. Thank you. We have a difference of opinion. Yeah, we have a difference of opinion. Anyone else have one? Hi, what's your name, and what is your question

about whether or not you can be the asshole? My name's Elizabeth. Hi, Elizabeth. Can I be an asshole if the guy I'm hooking up with is uncircumcised? What would that sound like? I mean, I know what it'll look like,

because after all, I played football in high school, and it was not a particularly Jewish school. But anyway, enough about me. But enough about Ron. What would that sound like? Give us an example. What do you want to say? You want a pointed laugh?

I have to go to the bathroom? And you leave? Here's the thing. There was one moment and only one where you learn this so I guess it's just sort of like do you keep hoping when you go back

you're going to find something else that's what I don't that's what's confusing to me you can leave whenever you you can check out of that whenever you want the question would be why. Why what? Everyone wants to know.

Why aren't you circumcised? I don't know. Okay. So, okay. Are you saying that you like this person, but you would like them to be circumcised? Yes. That's what you're saying? Yeah. How, but you would like them to be circumcised? Yes. That's what you're saying? Yeah.

How long have you been dating? Well, about a month. About a month? Yeah. I don't know what anniversary the I'd like you to get circumcised anniversary is, but I got to think, they got to be pretty fucking locked up.

You know? Do you agree? I'm really stuck on this one. I mean, you know, I always carry a cigar cutter around with me. That's an asshole move. You know, and you could just walk in with a cigar and a cigar cutter. See how that works? Now you go.

Yeah, you're just trying to incept the idea, you know? Thank you, Elizabeth. We're baffled. It's a really good question. You stumped the band. You stumped the band. Anyone else have one? Hi, what's your name and what's your question?

My name's Susan. I would like to. I'm a mail carrier, and I deal with a ton of stray dogs. That's a real thing. It's not like just cartoons. They'll chase you and stuff. How heavy are the men you're carrying?

That's nice. Sorry, Susan. My question is, when I see someone, just when I'm not at work, walking their dog without a leash, am I allowed to yell, get that fucking dog on a leash right now? Yes. Yeah, 100%. Totally. Sick.

I've always wanted to ask you that, Ron. Thanks for your question, Susan. No problem. It's a lot to think about. My dog bit a man's thumb off. Remember that? Yeah, that's true. Brian's My dog bit a man's thumb off. Remember that? Yeah, that's true. Brian's dog did bit a man's thumb off.

That's all resolved legally. Yeah, we're good. We couldn't talk about it for a while. That's absolutely a real thing that happened. So you should be afraid. Ron Perlman, everybody. Thank you so much. A legend, Ron Perlman.

Come on. He thought he was Perlman. Come on. He thought he was talking to John Lovett. This is okay, though. You can catch Ron in Poker Face on Peacock, which everybody loves. It looks awesome. I'm actually very excited about Poker Face. When we come back, Harry Styles' Silas is here.

Hey, don't go anywhere. There's more of Love it or leave it coming up and we're back harry styles made a scene at the grammys last weekend ripping the award for album of the year out of beyonce's flawless hands before letting loose with a baffling claim this doesn't happen to people like me very often what kind kind of person is that, Harry? White people, British people, incredibly wealthy sex symbols who were engineered into lab for global fame. Meanwhile, and as usual, Styles' gender-bending outfits earned him both praise and accusations of queerbaiting.

Here to help us get to the bottom of this guy's whole deal, please welcome Harry Styles' completely straight stylist, Megan Plunk. Megan, hi. Thanks for being here. So nice to meet you. Please. Right. Twist. Thank you for being here.

It's the right fashion, isn't it? Okay, so I couldn't... Right, right. Right. I couldn't... Right, right. Right. I couldn't help notice. You seem pretty stressed backstage. Megan, you were crouched in the corner typing really fast on your phone.

At one point, it looked like you might be crying. Well, I'm a stylist, isn't it? I'm a stylist for Harry Styles. I'm a stylist-stylist. And it's one of the hardest jobs in the world. I don't know if that's true. Yeah, you're absolutely right's one of the hardest jobs in the world. I don't know if that's true. Yeah, you're absolutely right. It is the hardest job in the world.

It's number one hardest. But I'm fine. I'm sorry. I'm just trying to figure out this work thing. Do you think I should put airy styles in like a dramatic smoky eye? That's what you were crying about? Look, mate, I'm out of my depth, all right?

Is that cool? Is it queerbaiting? I'm a straight-ass woman, John. I went to the University of Ohio. You want to say Bristol? You want to say Bristol? I'm getting Bristol. Shit, wow.

You think it might have been Bristol? Yeah, that's what I meant I hope Bristol It's all the same So I've seen Jason Jason Amraz Who are

Mr. J Jason Amraz? It says you've seen him 12 times Are you sure you don't know How to say his name? Yeah yeah yeah He's

You think it might be You know that it's Jason Mraz? It's Jason Mr. As is what I thought it was. You've seen Mr. As in conference 12 times. I've seen him 12 times in concert. And one day I was like, hey, what if I wore nail polish and things just snowball? I don't know what we're doing anymore. I'm in over my head in there.

Hey, it's going to be OK. Let's figure this out. So Harry Styles, A, doesn't like to talk're doing anymore, John. I'm in over my head. Isn't it? Hey, it's going to be okay. Let's figure this out. So Harry Styles, A, doesn't like to talk about his sexuality. But B, publicly only dates women. But C, likes to wear feminine clothes. Do I have that right? Isn't it? Yeah.

Yeah, is that bad? You know, am I bad? God, please don't drag me, okay? I have a family. Oh, come on. I don't have a family. I have like a situation ship. Sure. And a community. me, okay? I have a family. Oh, come on. I don't have a family. I have like a situation ship. Sure.

And a community. Right, okay. Well, look, I absolutely... I just don't see why playing with gender is something to get so mad about. Oh, good. Okay, thank the queen. Oh, no, thank Christ and the queen, yeah.

Look, either why does a man have to rail other guys to work litter or have a show stopping Smokey Eye. Or be railed for that matter. That's right. Or suck dick. Suck dick and cock

or what have you. Maybe, John, look at me. Maybe, Aries privately exploring his experience of gender. You know, in private, sucking dick. Maybe he You know, in private, sucking dick.

Maybe he's sucking dick in private. Or maybe he just loves David Bowie. Right. You know, sometimes I wear, like, a sneaker. I've never been anywhere near a skateboard, but, you know. Sometimes I like an ALV. Ambiguous lesbian vibes. Right. I've been told I give out ALV. Ambiguous lesbian vibes. Right.

I've been told I give out ALV once in a while. Right, and what's wrong with that? Ain't nothing wrong with some ambiguous lesbian vibes. Yeah. All of us from time to time have ALV. Yeah, we all have ALV. There's no vaccine for it, everyone. All adventurous women do, right? ALV. No, that's have ALV. There's no vaccine for it, everyone. All adventurous women do, right?

ALV. Now that's queerbaiting. That's performative right there. And shame on all of you. Shame. For shame. Shame on all of you unless you're good looking. Unless you're hot.

Shame on you unless you're good looking. I can't tell. It's a little bit dark. Some of them are. Right. Look, here's the thing. Yeah, yeah. Who knows, right?

Like maybe Harry's trying to compensate for being a fundamentally boring person. It's none of our business. Queerbaiting is still queer. A dress is a dress. You can't wear a dress ironically. I've tried. Yeah.

I have to tell you too, John. Harry Styles is not boring. One time we were in the green room together, right? And out of nowhere, he just points at the hummus. Right? And that's hilarious. When you have abs. It's just funnier.

Like, yeah, just the threshold. It's like so much lower. It's so much lower yeah he points you won't believe it alv all over the place right so okay i do think i i do think he would be less boring if in addition to wearing sparkly jumpsuits he was actually you know like more vocally supportive of the vulnerable community he takes inspiration from beyond just some platitudes like i think that would make people feel at least a little bit better about the whole thing all right here we go i just do the clothes john i grew up on a dairy farm in england my favorite movie is british classic 27 dresses

oh here we go i only have this job because my uncle runs Columbia Records UK division. Please don't send me to gay jail. Megan, you gotta relax. I'm just saying, it would be cool if you engaged with some of the actual ideology instead of just playing dress up. Like, did you hear Kim Petras' acceptance speech? Honestly, only parts of it. I was on the floor polishing Ari's leg sequence. My hands shredded.

Okay, that sucks. Okay, well, it was a really powerful moment. She thanked the transgender artist who came before her. She thanked Madonna for fighting for LGBTQ rights. And she thanked her mother for believing she was a girl. It was so much more interesting to me than a guy in a fruity jumpsuit with nothing much to say about it. Right,

right. Well, at least we can both agree that they're both very brave. That's not what I'm saying. Okay, no, you're right. Sorry, I don't know what I'm saying. I learned about gay stuff from Stanford on Sex and the City. I don't think, what is he, what was he serving? Like, what, is it cunt? Is that what you people?

That's all. I didn't say that. You people. I want to be like, you know, you people meaning John. Look, all I'm asking is, if Harry Styles is brave for wearing a dress on the cover of Vogue or a sparkly onesie at the Grammys, what is he risking? Who in that room would be threatened by it?

If it's brave, there has to be something at risk. Right. You're right. You're right. And I'll say it here. Harry Styles is a sniveling coward and a very real spineless piece of shit. See, I think that's overcorrecting. Harry sucks!

No, no, no. Harry sucks! Don't join in. Don't join in. He doesn't suck. He doesn't suck. That's too much. I don't believe that. All sucks. Don't join in. Don't join in. He doesn't suck. He doesn't suck. That's too much. I don't believe that.

All right. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm trying so hard to get on the same page. Just tell me what, I'll say whatever you want. Like Lydia Tarkin's like step on my neck, John. I want, Cate Blanchett is my mommy and I want her to breastfeed me. Oh God.

And I want Drew Barrymore to breastfeed me. I'm so scared. I want Charlie XCX to disembowel me with like a shiv made out of like a can of Diet Coke. Right. Sure. Who doesn't? And Cate Blanchett is mommy. Sure.

But Harry Styles is just a wealthy celebrity operating in elite circles that treat proud, explicit acceptance of queerness as an act of defiance in rooms of powerful people bending over backwards to applaud and agree. as an act of defiance in rooms of powerful people bending over backwards to applaud and agree. But there are people who are actually scared, like drag queens putting on drag brunches in place where right-wing lunatics want them dead, parents and teachers in Texas, trans people just trying to live in a country where state legislatures are passing anti-trans laws every day. The activists who occupy the Oklahoma state capitol this week were brave. Those people are risking something. So celebrities like Harry, get to safely enjoy and explore the ascendance of queer culture while actual ordinary queer people

are terrorized. Right, but that's always been the case. Mama. Still not working. Okay, sorry. Look, the Oscars celebrates brave performances. Famous people pat each other on the back for their little, you know, that's not new, isn't it?

Yeah, and you know what? It is better to live in a world where the Grammys celebrate queerness than one where they don't, even if it rings a little bit hollow. Oh, no, I agree. And I think you're issued a bitch. Can I? Yeah. All right, thank you.

It's really that the trickle-down acceptance isn't working. Regainomics. Regaining. Regaining. Gaganomics? Gaganomics. Regaganaganomics. Regaganaganomics.

Much like Reaganomics. It's a failure. Yeah, that's it, Megan. You got it, Megan. Yes! Sly serve. I'm a gagging slut. Okay.

Piece of shit. Shred my clit into little pieces. I want you to shred my clit until it looks like a blooming onion from Outback Steakhouse. I want you to slit my throat open. Ambiguous lesbian vibes in there. In there, John.

Oh my God, okay. Yes, yes. So, I feel like- Queen! Slay, queen! Queen! Slay queen! Queen slay! So Harry Styles, slay queen,

100%. Mama. But maybe, so Harry Styles should wear whatever he wants, but maybe he should get his ass to a fucking drag brunch in South Carolina, right? Yeah. Can I ask you one other question?

Uh-huh. When Harry's leather pants split open right at the crotch during his show last month... Oh, yeah. I kind of, like, weakened that seam on purpose. You're doing the Lord's work, Megan. The Harry stylist stylist, everybody. Thank you. Thank you.

That was so great. Come on. That was so great. We're never going to get Drew Barrymore on this show now. Thank you so much, Christina. She'll be performing February 18th at the Geffen in Little Tokyo, and she'll be at South by Southwest this March

when we come back. Gus Kenworthy. That was great. And we're back. The body of an Olympian, the mind of a champion, beloved by Americans for his physical skill and incredible athletic prowess.

My next guest is also pretty cool. Welcome to the stage, Olympic medalist and, more importantly, co-star of American Horror Story 1984, Gus Kenworthy! Hi. Hi. Thank you for being here. How are you?

Thank you so much for making me go after that. That was...'s going to be fine. That was wild. That was wild. She did a great job. I love her. How are you doing? I'm doing well, thanks.

So this is going to be a segment where we're trying something new, and this is going to be called 10 Mostly Easy Questions for Gus Kentworthy. Okay? Okay. Are you ready? I think so. First, what's up with you? What's up?

What's happening? What's next? Oh, just in life in general yeah um that's the easy one thanks uh for the thank you the softball um i am trying to pursue acting like everybody here in la but i've been taking class i've been auditioning i'm excited about it i feel like i'm kind of at the beginning of a new chapter which is exciting for me i was skiing before and feel like i had like kind of reached the beginning of a new chapter, which is exciting for me. I was skiing before and feel like I had like kind of reached the top of my career and gone as far as you can

go in something. And so it's exciting to now be really back at the beginning. Um, how difficult did you find it to be set on fire for your new reality TV show? Special forces world's toughest test. You know, that was one of the easier things that they had us do really yeah i mean they like we like went back to the sort of staging area where they're like covering us in like ky jelly basically and i was like wait what is happening i was like danny amandola where are you but yeah no that then they let us on fire are those real glasses or just for fun they're real glasses yeah i wear them when I drive. I drove here. Next question. To what degree are you aware that your ability to access non-queer spaces is predicated on your handsomeness?

I would say that I definitely have a privilege in that I probably come off, well, as I'm crossing my leg looking like a complete faggot, but I probably come off straight in a lot of situations, and I was able to lean on that in my ski career and growing up in a small town. And I understand that that's like its own form of privilege. And a lot of queer people can't lean on that. So some people are like forced to be out at a really early age. And that can be really difficult depending on the environment that you're in. And I had my own difficulties being in the closet, but I also didn't have that difficulty where people were assuming I was gay. Oh, that's interesting.

What about that cult guy? He's living in the valley. Who was the first boy you saw that made you go like, oh, no? I feel like it's embarrassing because he hasn't aged well. Wow. But I watched TRL before school with my brother, and I was pretty into Carson Daly. Yeah, I get that.

I get that. I understand that completely. And Carson, if you're watching, I'm sorry I said that. You aged fine, and I still would do it. And that's so important. You can only eat one meal forever. What is it? Sushi.

Sushi? Okay. I think you'll get sick of it. Honestly, and I might. Do you go to the Cheesecake Factory? Sometimes. What do you get? I fill up on their bread.

Yeah, the bread's real good. It's really good. I don't know. I like pasta. I feel like the one thing I don't get there is cheesecake. Oh, that's stupid. Do you? Yeah. Does everybody? Is that a thing? Am I fucking up? Is that a thing? It's famous for it.'t know. I like pasta. I feel like the one thing I don't get there is cheesecake. Oh, that's stupid. Do you? Yeah.

Does everybody? Is that a thing? Am I fucking up? Is that a thing? It's famous for it. I know. Obviously, it's in the name. It's in the name.

If a restaurant is everywhere and has a food item in its name, that food item rules. Do you get olives at the Olive Garden? Wow. Jesus. Coming for me. Wow. I am murdered for me. Wow. I am murdered. I am dead.

Call it in. I've been murdered by Gus Kenworthy. It's gay on gay crime. That witch was right. The psychic foresaw this. I couldn't believe it. Here it is. It's funny.

She said, you're going to get murdered by Gus Kenworthy. And I was like, should we cancel? And I was like, no on keep him on the schedule literally that's like all my dms are asking it's like will you murder me i'm like i mean yeah i think that's probably what they mean on a podcast yeah that's that's what they mean do you get a lot of dms asking for you to murder them yeah like i do actually I value the really creative ones. Like, it's all thirst. I mean, a lot of them are like,

I hate you, and I'm like, whoa, coming at an angle, but I'm like, still delusional. I'm like, they're into me. But then some of them are like, you could run me over with your car, and I'm like, looking at their profile, I'm like, and I will. I hit two people on the way here.

I didn't put the glasses on. If you could be a world-class athlete in any other sport what would it be the one that interests me that i think would be fun would be diving i feel like i like would be good at it and would like it but in terms of like the life that it gives you which is now what i'm thinking about either like a surfer because you just get to travel with like nothing and be around lots of hot shirtless people or like i don't know maybe like football because they make the most money and also hot shirtless people okay i would do curling and honestly if there was i feel like i thought you could pursue even at this at this that wasn't even meant to be shady that wasn't even meant to be shady i was gonna say at this stage in life

like you could you could pick it up this stage in life, like you could pick it up. This goes for everybody. Everybody listening, you could pick up curling tomorrow and like honestly probably go to the Olympics. I've never curled. I think I could do it professionally. Hey, I have a question. I have a question.

Who the fuck do you think you are? I'm a guest on Love It a question. Who the fuck do you think you are? I'm a Gaston, love it or leave it. This is unbelievable. This is unbelievable. Ask me how I'm doing again. John, how are you doing? I'm fucking beside myself. I was worried that was what you were going to say.

Who's the famous person you were most excited to see on a dating app? Oh, I feel like I literally haven't seen famous people on a dating app. People are always like, John Mayer's on Raya. Someone said yeah. Confirmed here. I think they put John Mayer in front of people on Raya in the same way that in Bugs Bunny cartoons, they put a carrot on a string to draw people in.

They dangle it. Yeah. Now we are going to play the Kinsey scale of sports. And here's how this works, Gus. We're going to put a sport on the screen, and you're going to have to decide on the Kinsey scale basically how gay it is. Right. Kinsey 6 being as gay as it comes.

Kinsey 6 as gay as it comes. Does it start at 1 or 0? 0, I think. 0. 0. Okay. 0 is exclusively heterosexual. 6 is exclusively homosexual. Let's start.

What do we have first? Okay. First up, pickleball. Pickleball. We have a lovely older couple. We do have a lovely older couple. Good for curling, as Gus would say. If they wanted to go to the Olympics, all I'm saying is

it's not too late. It's not too late. Where would you want to put Pickleball on the Kinsey scale? The thing is, I was going to say even just the name Pickle and Balls sounds very gay, but I feel like it's embarrassing. I don't want to take it exclusively homosexual for the community, so I'm going to put it right in the middle at equal. I think that's right. I think that's

a really good point. Next up, baseball. the middle at equal i think that's right i think that's a really good point next up baseball i i just it feels so straight to me it's such a straight sport i agree you know i mean it's like it's america's pastime and so is homophobia yeah and that's a really important point zero we put it at a zero that's exclusivelyosexual. What is the name of the baseball player who later came out as gay but also invented the high five in the 70s? Oh, I don't know.

Glenn Burke. So that's cool, but it still was a straight score. Okay, we'll give it a.5. Give it a.5. We're giving it a.5 for Glenn Burke who invented the high five. Thank you, Glenn. Thank you, Glenn, for everything that you did.

It never ceases to amaze me that the high five is not something that you could find in hieroglyphics, but in fact, no one had conceived of it until the 70s.

I think that that's amazing. Could you believe that? Don't you think that's cool? I can't. Wouldn't you think it would have been around forever? You would think. But actually,

it blew people's fucking minds. Yeah. People saw someone do that and they were like, I need to do that all the time. I want to know, when did they invent the download too slow? What are the iterations of all of these things? Right, download too slow,

where did that come from? That's exclusively straight, too. That's like tricking children. Download too slow is the Zune to the High Fives iPod. You know what I'm saying? I don't know what Zune is. God damn it, Gus Kenworthy. I was born in 2001.

Okay. I wasn't. He wasn't. He wasn't. He remembers 9-11. You remember 9-11? I do. Next up.

Never forget, John. And we'll never forget it. We'll never forget it. Next up, we have ice dancing. Ice dancing is pretty exclusively homosexual. Yeah. Is it a five? Is it a six?

What do you think? I'm tempted to go six, but I think five. I think we need to leave room for something to be gayer. Yeah. To wit, MMA cage fighting. What do you think? Honestly, I'm going to put it right there at pickleball. It's like straights adore it.

Yeah. But it's very gay. It's like you can see in it what you want, you know? It's like Mona Lisa's smile. They always say that. And they always say that. Next up, women's soccer. Okay.

Women's soccer? Women's soccer is so gay. Even the photo you posted is a lesbian Megan Rapinoe kiss. Yes. I'm going to put it, someone did it before I even said it, but I was going to say a six. It's a six. Women's soccer is.

It's a six. It's just a Kinsey six. They're all gay. They're all gay. They're all dating each other. It's cool. They should make a show about it. I would watch.

And we would watch it. Next up, men's soccer. Honestly, I mean, it still sort of lends to the stereotyped trope for lesbians that they're so tough because they are. But I would say that makes it exclusively homosexual. But for the same reason, the men, it's so dramatic. They fall in the field. They're holding their shin.

They're looking for a red card. I'm like, girl, we all saw it. It didn't happen. It's a six. It's a six. Wow. It's a really good point. It's a really good point's a six. Wow. It's a really good point. It's very good. It's a really good point.

Me putting soccer gayer than ice dancing. Next up, dressage. Six. Six. The name alone. Even though Ann Romney did it. Even though Ann Romney Michelle dressage.

And the hilarious Ross Matthews. Sorry, I'll stop. Next up, it's a sport that I am decrepit enough to maybe succeed in. That my unathletic aging form could potentially manage to heave a rock across ice without injuring myself. eventually manage to heave a rock across ice without injuring myself that i wouldn't necessarily be humiliated by my failure to stand there it's curling we're talking about curling i know and the thing is like i feel like you're starting to see a future in it which i love and i'm gonna say like i said before anyone can do this it's a three it's right in the middle it's for everyone it's a three.

It's right in the middle. It's for everyone. The comment wasn't just at you. I'm just like so owned by Gus Kenworthy. It was just like not how I thought this would go. We need to get you one of those like chain collars, the little lock. I just assumed I'd be able to outwit you because you're so handsome.

Oh my God. You better start. But I couldn't. I lost. I lost on the only field in which I had a chance to win. My home field. But like, honestly, I'm super competitive. Fuck.

Next up, beach volleyball. Beach volleyball. I mean, honestly, that like scene in Top Gun was probably pretty formative in me being gay. Yeah. Four. Four. Four? We haven't used four yet. Yeah, we haven't used four.

I agree. I think it is four. It's obviously quite gay, but really it also just exposes the way in which being a straight man in some sense means loving men in a way no gay person ever could. You know what I'm saying? That there's a quality of heterosexual, straight guy to straight guy love, that way in which they only really see each other that is a level of

adoration that none of the rest of us can ever experience. You know what I'm saying? Honestly, I don't know if I followed it, but yes. I agree. And finally, bowling. I agree and finally bowling well I would say that that's I would say that's a two

two yeah I agree it's mostly straight but gays can get into it if there isn't there should be a gay bowling league it must exist I don't know

people don't bowl anymore I couldn't I don't know where to go bowling if I want to go bowling right now okay I have Google okay apparently a lot of places a lot of bowling any final thoughts or apologies or anything yeah I want that girl to

apologize for what you said about the uncut penises I honestly the audio backstage was bad so I don't even fully know if I understood what they were saying and that wasn't an audio issue okay okay and that's what I thought it was genuinely I was being generous it was genuinely confusing because the thing about an uncircumcised penis is fool me once shame on me you know maybe it's because I'm gay but I feel like I'm like oh twist fun yeah there's no like disappointment yeah it's like it's very rare to go to a restaurant and they do the thing where they have like the old-fashioned metal thing where they lift it up and reveal the food beneath take it away thank you so much gus yes thank you catch gus on fox's

special forces every wednesday night and you can also see him in 80 for brady what is brady we're excited to learn when we come back katrina davis ventures in the darkest of the dating apps and gus will be back for the love wheel can't wait that was so great thank you that was really great that's kenworthy everybody don't go anywhere just love it or leave it and there's more on the way and we're back valentine's day is right around the corner like a serial killer or a murderous clown preying on your tiny main town. Here to drive a spike through the holiday's hideous, unstoppable heart, it's the hilarious Katrina Davis.

Hi. Thanks for being here. How are you? Did you join us here? Hi. Thanks. Welcome. Thank you.

Thank you for having me. I'm terrified. Are you currently on the apps? No. I am aggressively bad at for having me. I'm terrified. Are you currently on the apps? No. I am aggressively bad at dating online. It's too abstract. Looking at pictures just does nothing for me to trigger whether or not I should hang out with that person. It's totally disconnected in my brain.

Does that make sense? Absolutely. I don't know how people are figuring out who to fuck off stills. It doesn't make any sense to me. Yes. And I also do think that we need another term because when people say someone is photogenic, what I think that means in practice is they look better not in motion. And so we need a term for everyone else who isn't photogenic.

There needs to be a term that means I look good in motion. Yeah. Like hot in action. Yes, my hotness is revealed by the way my face moves. Yes. As opposed to capture it in a moment. You know what I mean? We need a term for that.

We don't have one. And no one here is going to come up with it. Do you think everyone is deserving of love? Ooh. Yes. do you think everyone is deserving of love oh yes and i feel like i use that to keep myself from getting mad at people that seem like they deserve it the least does that make sense like if i see someone that i just like load that is clearly just a horrible person sometimes i'll think that person's married like the worst person you've ever met, somebody lived in the same house with them for a decade and was just like, yeah, I love you. Like

that's wild that there are people so technically unlikable, like your worst teacher ever that you would be like, oh, you're the worst. And then you would see them at the mall somewhere and be like, that lady found somebody. Yeah. I don't know. No, that's, that's a hard part about it. Yeah. I do think there's kind of, I don't know, not someone for everyone, but people find people. If that makes sense. They do.

Well, I also, I also do think that like there are colors that go well together and there are patterns that go well together and there are complimentary, but quite different patterns that go well together. And I think certain people are like a beige or a burgundy or just like a nice kind of neutral. And they work with a lot of different colors. And they work with a lot of different patterns. You can have a beige person and they'll go well with a stripe or they'll go well with a polka dot. But if you're a polka dot with little bits of stripe, and you're a really strange and interesting pattern. Not a lot of patterns are going to go with you.

Like if you're the pattern equivalent of a shirt from Dan Flashes. Yes. It's hard for you. You have to find a neutral or a very specific pattern. And all that's a way of saying. I'm at the very least a plaid. I get it. It's fine.

I realize now in this world of ours that, look, there's a lot of division. But what I'm realizing is that I've arranged my life in such a way that I really don't get exposed a lot to the kind of person who says, what can I live without? My morning coffee, LOL. I don't see a lot of those people in my day to day. I built a really wonderful existence. That doesn't come into my, I don't deal with that. That's not in my day. And, but there are a lot of them out there.

There are a lot of them out there. Um, more than you'd think. But do you think that you do that actively or do you think that that's your print weeding out all of the coffee beiges of the world? I think I am repellent to those people. So it takes care of itself for the most part. Like you just instantly feel it and you're just like, nope. Well, I just think that

like, I'm too much for virtually everyone. This show is an acquired taste. And tell your friends about it. So whether or not everybody deserves love is certainly part of the question that an app called The Right Stuff is trying to answer.

The dating app for right-wing conservatives. Malcolm, can we please play the trailer? What are you looking for in a partner? They just have to be a conservative. Definitely someone that wants to have kids. I like an independent man. Personally, I like the alpha male vibe. I want a man who really loves his family. Definitely, I like the alpha male vibe. I want a man

who really loves his family. Definitely someone whose faith is important to them. For me, it's someone who actually wants to meet my parents. Why do you want to date a conservative? For me, at least I know that we're gonna start off with some shared values. Well, the conservative men I've dated at least know how to treat me like a woman. In my personal experience, conservative guys have better manners. I like that they understand their role in the relationship as a man. I just prefer my men to be masculine. And what's the biggest red flag when it comes to dating?

A Democrat. No Democrats. A Democrat. Can't be a Democrat. A Democrat. That's easy. A Democrat. No Democrats be a Democrat. A Democrat. That's easy. A Democrat. No Democrats.

It's a no. Here to talk about it, about his own experience on The Right Stuff, it's producer Malcolm. Yay! Hi, Malcolm. Hi. Hi. Hello. Hi. Malcolm, can you tell Katrina and me about your experience?

Just tell us how you ended up with a profile on the right stuff. The app for right-wing conservatives. Yeah. Okay. So they dropped the app like four months ago. And I saw that ad and immediately I was like, I am going to get on this app. But like I got on it. So you love chaos.

I do. app um but like i got on it you love chaos i do and like i ai generated a white guy's face to be the to be on that because i'm like i'm not gonna get a lot of bites uh but like so like i did that yeah uh well i'm i'm good i'm good but like i i did it and then they were like okay great so the app's not up yet because we don't have any women on it, but we'll let you know. Then they were like, 500 dudes waiting. They were like, those three girls were all taken.

They were like, okay, we'll let you know. And I was like, okay. And then I fully forgot about it until two days ago when they texted me and they said, hey, there's enough women, you could start swiping now.

And then I told Love It. And now we're here. My goodness. Now, what role did Pet Finder play in creating your profile? and then I told love it and now we're here my goodness now what role did Pet Finder play in creating your profile okay so I wanted to like

seem like an authentic person but I didn't want to like get sued by anyone from ripping pictures off of like Facebook or Instagram so I went to Pet Finder and I just grabbed like

two or three pictures of dogs and I put it on my profile and I was just like oh that's fucking Rusty and Benji or whatever. Now, you told us what you would put on your bio if you

actually were on the right stuff at yourself and what would you have put on your bio? Okay, so I would only put one thing. This would be if I was going as Malcolm, I would say, looking for my Ginny Thomas. Because I hate myself. as Malcolm, I would say, looking for my Ginny Thomas. Like, that's what... Because I hate myself.

Are you concerned at all, Malcolm, that you will accidentally fall in love and become a conservative? Okay, so when we were, like, fucking around with that idea, that idea came in my head for a second, and now I can't get it out. And I'm like... Coming to Miramax. Someone is gonna make a movie.

It's like, can't buy me love or whatever. It's just like, oh, no. What if to Miramax. Someone is going to make a movie. It's like Can't Buy Me Love or whatever. It's just like, oh no. What if Margot Rubio has a couple good points? Like, what if I. I do think it like goes, it's like the fist bump, which is you can't do it ironically as hard as you try. You can't eat food ironically. You can't date ironically.

So if this were to happen for you, it would turn you. Would you kick me off the show though? Or would we like. Let's not worry about it. Okay. Now, Malcolm is not going to be on the right stuff. Oh, my God. But Mel is.

And so we are going to build out Mel's profile. Are you ready? I'm so stressed. Yes, absolutely. Okay, so... Okay. So we have the AI-generated Mel. So, wait.

I, like, I also generated a couple more options. Oh, so we have other face options. Okay. White face? You called it white face? Yeah. All right. Okay, we have option one.

These guys are hot. These are AI? They're hot. No. I got this guy because he looked like a cop. But wait, that feels very real. That feels real. Absolutely.

Those are insurrection glasses. Like, those glasses know what it feels like to put your feet up on Nancy Pelosi's desk. All right, which one do you want? Which one do you want? I mean, he's the hottest one, I think. You guys feel good about this? If we're going off that. All right, cool, cool.

Yeah, this guy? Yeah. He's Brian's favorite. Hey, perfect. Brian's downloading that, which doesn't make sense. We made this. It's not real. I already got a couple bites with that one guy.

With this guy? Yeah, like, hold on. Of course. He's not real. I already got a couple bites with that one guy. With this guy? Yeah. Hold on. He's terrifying. Of course. He's the general profile of the man going on this website.

You know Vigo from Ghostbusters 2? He looks like he could be his son. That's hot to me. Well, it's not a problem anymore. Vigo, get it? Okay, so. Vigo the Carpathian?

Yes. Hell yeah. Just to show you guys the rest of the pictures I chose. I like, so just to describe people at home. So we have a. Snowboarding perfect. We have a snowboarder.

We have a kind of far off shot of Bill's Mafia Takeover. He's a Buffalo Bills fan, which I think fits. I was like, yeah, maybe I'm in here. Maybe I'm here somewhere. Next one. You got into this. We kind of basically have like a Pinterest shot of a bunch of dickheads at a wedding. This one is from Pinterest.

This is from Pinterest. You can't see anyone's eyes. I just put white guy wedding. White guy wedding. Yep. A dog in a backpack. Another dog. This guy's from Pet Finder.

Yep. The dog in the backpack is great because the guy is facing away. So it all kind of works. I was like, these seem like fine. And also someone did call me out for that. This lady said, hey, love your profile. It's hard to tell what you look like from your pictures. Not super important.

Lol, but definitely caught my eye. I'm like, I've been made. I got to get out. Like, honestly, this has the vibe of, like, FBI agents in different parts of the same building trying to trick each other into being pedophiles. You know what I mean? Like, Lucy's

fake, Mel's fake, this whole app is fucking fake. It's like the crypto wallets where they're selling back and forth to each other, trying to generate a market. It's just relationship Ethereum. It's relationship Ethereum. Oh shit, I should add

something about Bitcoin. Ask me about Bitcoin? I should add something. That would catch some people. So this is the basic information. There are only two genders on the right stuff. Can't be changed. Can't be changed. So far, here's our current draft of your bio.

Just a country kid at heart. Love being outside. Football in America, which is apparently controversial now. Malcolm? I'm in too deep. I was in too deep. That's what I'm saying. You, like, became Mel Whitehead.

I tweeted some mean stuff at AOC right after that. That was crazy. Just to, like, cleanse your palate. Looking for an adventure partner who stands up for what's really important. Oh, and let's go, Brandon. Smiley face

with the sunglasses. Excellent. Excellent. Excellent. Thank you. Advertising sales. Checks out. Buffalo.

Checks out. I chose Buffalo because that was the first place anyone called me the N-word. So I was like, oh, that'll work. The research that went into this. I dug deep.

I dug a little deep. That is really good. That is really good. And then location? That's just in Orange County. Orange County. ASU checks out. Wands Kids, Christian, hell yeah.

Is there any other option on there for religious belief? Everything but Jewish. I think if I hit Jewish, they'd flag the account. on there for religious belief? Everything but Jewish. No. There's no Muslim. I think if I hit Jewish, they'd like flag the account. Yeah. Just like your phone locks.

Oh, they have them. They have others. They have others. They had no choice. They knew they had to put it there. Drinking, yes. Smoking, sometimes. And then like preferences,

I didn't set this. I just sort of had that there. Younger. Younger? Oh, that makes me feel bad. Oh, no. I'm going to makes me feel bad. Oh, no. I'm going to shrink this part, too. Whoa.

This isn't real. This isn't real. No, that's so much more accurate, though. 18 to 23? Jesus Christ. That's what this guy would do. Their brains aren't done. They can't rent cars. Mel is a monster. Mel doesn't care. Mel doesn't care.

Yeah, Mel doesn't care. Mel doesn't care. Mel Whitehead don't want to jump. Yeah, Mel doesn't want to fully form brain. Crews get really weird once they turn 25. Like, they just have a lot of, like, it's really hard to get a conversation. They want to argue about everything. Now I'm Mel Whitehead. I'm so sorry. It's contagious.

Okay, so this part is like. Oh, my God. It's sort of like Hinge, how you could do it, but it's a scary twist. Like, a random fact I love about America is... Anyone have an option, I guess? So, let's think about this. A random fact I love about America... More guns than people. More guns than people, smiley face.

Do, like, an actual white hand. Like, be this... Doing what? But just, like, doing the thing of not using yellow, but changing it to white. Yeah. do like an actual white hand. Like what? Just waving? But just like doing the thing of not using yellow but changing it to white. Yeah.

That's cool. Oh my God, that's great. Oh yeah, the okay hand. Oh, do this. This is gonna get you flagged. I'm like, I think I want to go to church after this. All right, let's see.

What's the next one? Let's do one more. My favorite liberal lie. 1619. Just 1619. Just write 1619. They're not going to get it. They're not going to get it.

Hey, hey, they're not stupid. They're just terrible. Well, they are 18. Oh, my God. That's good I feel like it's too on the nose We gotta beat that Yeah we wanna stand out

We're trying to attract a really awful 19 year old Defund the police I like that It's sort of not a lie Which implies that you're not I like that it doesn't really answer the question You're just mad and opinionated Yeah that's perfect

Alright let's do one more prompt Give me travel tips for Hungry I like that it doesn't really answer the question. You're just mad and opinionated. Yeah, that's perfect. That sounds on par. All right, let's do one more prompt. Give me travel tips for hungry. Someone said the capital. That's good. The capital. That's great. That's great.

With an LOL. That's great. The capital LOL. All right, that's Mel. That's Mel. That's Mel. That's our Mel. Is that it? Is that all we have to do?

I mean, now we just sort of wait for the likes to roll in. Yeah. Now we wait. We're done. What is always in our hearts? Yeah, I don't want to actually like. We're not showing real people. Yeah.

But we will see what happens with Mel's profile, and we will keep everybody up to date. Oh, my gosh. I think that's awesome. Malcolm, thank you. Mel to Mel. Yay! Katrina, has this changed your mind about the Absinthe? Oh, no.

Not by a long shot. Thank you so much, Katrina. Follow her on social at Katrina Davis Backwards, which is just Katrina Savad. I like that. Thanks. And watch her special, Figuring It Out, on Amazon Prime and on InFlight Entertainment. You got them on the planes. They can't go anywhere.

I'm on planes. I don't know how I got there. But if you're in the sky, I might be there, too. Katrina's going to stick around, because when we come back, the love wheel. And we're back. And we're back. Before we get to the love wheel, a couple of reminders. Stuck with Damon Young.

We are excited to announce the return of Stuck with Damon Young, an original podcast from Crooked and Spotify. On this show, award-winning author Damon Young, who we love, one of my favorite guests on Love It or Leave It, has returned for more off-the-cuff conversations inspired by today's most culturally relevant headlines and roundups of Damon-approved listener-submitted questions. He's joined by some of the brightest minds and bold voices of the black community, including Kiese Lehman, Roy Wood Jr., Elaine Welteroth, and Nicole Hannah-Jones, and more. The trailer is live right now, and the first episode drops on February 16th. Everybody check it out. It's an awesome show for free only on Spotify. check it out. It's an awesome show for free only on Spotify.

Now it's time for the love wheel. In honor of Valentine's Day, the anniversary of Cupid's Bar Mitzvah, we shall set aside our whining for some adoration. On the wheel we have the wave out the window when someone lets you merge. We have Mookie Betts, Girl Scout cookies, coffee, the

bird flu, interesting, Ron's love, whatever it may be, pottery TikTok, and a glance between strangers about something stupid. Ron's love, whatever it may be. Pottery TikTok and a glance between strangers about something stupid. Let's spin the wheel. It's kisses. Mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah. Guys, give it up for producer Brian.

It's quality work like that. I'm done. All right. Gus, I believe you suggested coffee. Yeah, it feels boring now, but I did. I mean, honestly, I just love it. Like, it's there for me. It's consistent.

I have it every single morning. I actually am basic. I go to Starbucks every morning. I know it's going to get booze. It's like corporate America. People are interested. It's great. But for me, I want a big gulp-sized coffee. I need 32 ounces of it.

I don't want the blue bottle sizes. And also, there are paper cups and paper straws. I'm all for sustainability but like that's not the answer and i and that's i just need like a massive coffee and so i go to starbucks every morning and i love it and you know what i'm glad people are finally saying it because again to what we've been discussing until uh gus ripped me to pieces with his olive garden uh riposte uh you know what they don't put those starbucks on the corner because it's bad i don't care what anybody says and you know what else i don't put those Starbucks on the corner because it's bad. I don't care what anybody says. And you know what else?

I travel all the time. And the thing is, if you go to a coffee place, sometimes you get something and you're like, I need two more of these. And sometimes you drink one and you're like,

I am fucked up for the rest of the day. Well, and also sometimes it just tastes bad. Like you like take a sip and you throw it away, which maybe some people are going to say is Starbucks. But for me, it's consistent. Yes, I know exactly what I'm going to get every goddamn time

because a capitalist system has drained the creativity and joy from the natural and organic thing that they've grown and turned it into something mechanical and that's what makes it good. That's what makes it good. Don't you agree? Yeah, I was going to say Starbucks is my favorite

like chain because I travel a lot and when you're in an area Okay, brag. Not to be a bitch, but I've been in the sky um when you're in an area where there's only chain restaurants or fast food places Starbucks is the one chain where I can get a piece of fruit where you can get an item of food that just is in the package as it came out of the earth you know what i mean yeah it's the closest you can get to real food sometimes let's spin it again it has landed on bird flu you know i i was to talk about the bird flu because I thought I'm going to do something

really ironic and clever. But in the spirit of Valentine's Day, I did want to get vulnerable or serious if I could. I love online dating. I love the apps. I wanted to take this opportunity to announce that I am about to be the first woman on The Right Stuff.

And it's just, yes, as a progressive woman, I can still, I want a man who has manners, whatever those mean. I want a man with wraparound shades who falls asleep before I come. I want a man who doesn't know what emotional abuse is. I want a man who starts a domestic dispute by fighting me in the street with his

two fists. Like a man is supposed to. And I'm just very excited to find love or whatever proxy is of that is happening on that app. Thank you for sharing. Christina, thank you so much for sharing. So there's an app called the Bird Flu?

No, I'm asking. I'm asking. Yeah, basically when you like someone, you send them a cough. Yeah. But for $9, you can send them phlegm. And they'll see phlegm first. It's a trust exercise. They're like, are you vaccinated?

No. Cough in my eyes. Bird flu is just Twitter since Elon got it. Yeah. Oh my god, me? Jokes. What's happening? Like, I

passed the threshold of laughter and I was just a little mad. Let's spin it again. Mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah. And Brian, you went into the studio and recorded that. He did. In the booth. He went in the booth.

Because you can't just use Kiss because it has to slow down. You have to time it and then land on the last, the dinging. Mwah, mwah, dinging. All right. It has landed on Mookie Betts. Oh, snap. Okay. So I fell in love with Mookie Betts when I was drunk at a Dodgers game and he made enough home runs for us to all get free

chicken nuggets the next day. And I made a piece of graphic art that said, I love Mookie, but the heart was two chicken nuggets crossed over each other. And more recently, he like low-key entered himself into the U.S. Open for bowling and tore that shit up. Like, he was just like 300s all week.

And I just love Mookie Betts. Hey, Gus, question. Do you think my old unathletic form could potentially compete in bowling, or do you think that that's too much for my limp fucking wrists? Yeah, bowling was like a two on this Kinsey scale, I believe. Yeah, I guess not. Sorry, we'll leave it to Mookie Betts. We'll leave it to Mookie Betts.

That's cool. But yeah, he seems like a nice guy. He dresses well. He has pretty big earrings, you know. Do you have to go back the next day for the Nuggets to see another game? No, you have to go to a participating McDonald's the next day to slowly kill yourself as an American with your free Nuggets. But I know nothing about baseball, and my friends were just like,

why are you screaming? And I was like, Mookie is winning food for America. Like, this is what we need. That's so cool. He's the hero that we have. Like, I just got. Ron, when is the last time. That's so cool. He's the hero that we have. Like, I just got... Ron, when is the last time you had a chicken McNugget? Uh, 2.30.

Fuck yeah. I love Ron Perlman. Let's spin it again. It's just awful. It's just awful It has landed on whatever Ron wants to declare his love for What would you like to declare your love for, Ron? Well, I'd like to declare my love for you, John

Oh, wow Wow Wow, it's finally happening for me I had no idea what the fuck to expect In fact, you Honestly, did you expect John Lovitz? You can tell me. It's happened before.

No, no. Yeah, I mean, I want to say, backstage, he was like, I just want to double, triple check that I'm at the right podcast. He literally thought, he wasn't supposed to be here. This is John Lovitz who wrote the speeches for Obama, right? And we were like, yeah. And he's like, okay. Like, he thought he was somewhere else.

And still doubled down. Wandering around just with M&Ms and sparkling water. He kept saying, I think I'm in the wrong place. And we were like, spiritually or literally. Your picture was on the same flyer as mine. You're definitely in the right place. And he was like, I don't know.

Seems weird. He was looking at the screen like, is that where I'm gonna? I don't know. This all seems weird. Ron, are they telling the truth? They're telling exactly the truth. But this has been one of the more scintillating evenings I've had. That rules.

Guys, Ron Perlman, so exciting. So exciting to share his stage with you. I thought I loved you in your other iterations. It does seem inconceivable that I was a person that put on a suit and wrote, like, speeches about the BP oil spill. Right? Like, that doesn't track. I see the problem.

The thing was, when you came backstage earlier and you said, we have nothing to lose, what did he say? The stakes couldn't be any lower. The stakes couldn't be any lower. So I tell all the guests. And we just started ripping lines. Also prior to him saying that I just want to say that Brian

came in and said John's going to let you know that the stakes couldn't be lower and then two minutes later he came in and was like you guys there's nothing to worry about the stakes. They couldn't be lower. It's like a sitcom. And that's how I do you Obama's speech writer. Anyway, I took a look at you and I said, this guy is not shaving yet. I mean, that's good. No, you look so young.

And I love that. And he hasn't been president for like eight years, right? I know. I was even younger then. And I really appreciate that. And see, Gus, do you see how different his approach was Than yours Do you see this is someone who has

So much class and charm This is like what you were talking about The straight men like he's trying to bond Yeah we're bonding You take a page out of this Take a page Gus I am several This is acting

This is where you're trying to go. Learn from the fucking best. Or if you punctuate it differently, this is acting. Yeah. It's good. There's a palpable energy. And we like it.

We like it. It's bigger than both of you. Thank you, Ron. I don't even know what to say. I don't even know what to Ron. I don't even know what to say. I don't even know what to say. I don't even know what to say. Am I in the right place? We are all in the right place, aren't we?

We are all in the right place. This is the energy we're always trying to create. Let's spin it again. Ma, ma, ma, ma, ma, ma, ma, ma. Ma, ma, ma, ma, ma. A glance between strangers about something stupid this was something that i wanted to declare my love for which is given his situation now people record them and put them on the internet which i actually think is fraught in a way we're not fully grappling with like everybody taking videos of people acting strange at a panera bread like i get why we're doing it but we're kind of creating

our own little panopticon and creating content for each other in a way that makes us all potential, you know, villains and victims. Put that aside. What we used to do before that happened,

before people decided to take out their phones and take a video of someone acting strange, if you were at a restaurant and somebody started doing something weird and you were by yourself,

your eyes would cast about. You would look around and you would look for a kindred spirit. And then you would find someone, a stranger, whose life perhaps couldn't be more different from your own, whose experiences you couldn't possibly understand. But in that moment, you lock eyes, and you share something,

which is, can you believe this fucking prick? Can you believe what we're both here witnessing? You are not alone. What you are seeing is awful and stupid and strange. They are behaving inappropriately at the deli counter. You're not wrong to feel that way. You are a person. I am a person.

We are all people, except for this thing. Life is okay. God is real. We will solve climate change, all said with a glance. I love that. That's something I love.

I was at Temple, and someone during Kol Nidre, the holiest night during Yom Kippur, the rabbi decided to use as an analogy for something, a very important text to help us understand what Yom Kippur, this ancient ceremony, what it means. And what they used was the Netflix special Nanette. I was there. Were you there? No. No. Okay. Perlman could be there. And when I say that my eyes darted about the temple to find someone to appreciate the ridiculous of Nanette

being used to expound upon this... Like the Hannah Gatsby Nanette? Yes. Okay, okay. The Hannah Gatsby Nanette. And I found those eyes. And it was Moshe Kasher. All right.

And that is the love wheel. When we come back, we'll end on a high note. And we're back. Here it is, because we all need it this week, the high note. I love it. This is Laura in Seattle. My high note for the week is that after five rollercoaster nights in the hospital that included a delivery complication for me and then a trip to the NICU for my baby. My husband and I finally came home yesterday with our newborn son. He is perfect in every way and he's already familiar with Love It or Leave It, having listened to your show many times in utero. And his name happens to be Jonathan. Thanks for keeping us

entertained and informed. Bye-bye. Hey, I love it. This is Liz from Oakland, California. And my high note of the week was somebody's high note from last week, the gentleman whose foot fungus has disappeared. I got to say, I fully laughed, cry laughed for about 20 minutes and it gave me the energy I needed to get through three and a half more hours of meetings today. So thanks for that. I love listening to your podcast every week. It's one of my high notes. Hey, love it. My high note this week is my workplace unionized and it's been a really incredible experience to get to know my co-workers better. We work for a great progressive media company and they're incredibly creative and passionate and care about just making our workplace as great as we know it can be.

And it's just felt really great to be part of. Thanks to everybody who sent in a high note tonight. If you want to leave us a message about something that gave you hope, call us at 323-538-2377. That is our show. Thank you so much to Katrina Davis, Ron Perlman, Gus Kenworthy, and Christina Catherine Martinez. Awesome show. Thank you all so much. Thanks to everybody for coming

out. There are 633 days until the 2024 elections. Have a great night and have a great weekend. Love It or Leave It is a Crooked Media production. It is written and produced by me, John Lovett, and Lee Eisenberg. Kendra James is our executive producer. Brian Semel is our producer. And Malcolm Whitfield is our associate producer.

Hallie Kiefer is our head writer. Sarah Lazarus, Jocelyn Kaufman, Polivi Gunalan, Peter Miller, Rebecca Kaplan, Aileen Pierre, Chandler Dean are our writers. Bill Lance is our editor, and Kyle Seglin and Stephen Colon are our audio engineers. Our theme song is written and performed by Sure Sure. Thanks to our designers, Jesse McClain and Caroline Haywood

for creating and running all of our visuals, which you can't see because this is a podcast, and to our digital producers, Narmel Konian, Zuri Ervin, and Milo Kim, Mia Kelman, and Matt DeGroot for filming and editing video each week so you can. You can find those glorious videos at youtube.com slash see slash Crooked Media.