Lovett or Leave It - Rain on Trump's Parade

Episode Date: July 6, 2019

Fox & Friends discovers DJ Khaled. Trump plans a fascist jamboree on the National Mall. And we (maybe) won a big fight on the census. In a special Independence Day edition, Jon and returning champion Emily Heller find good reasons to be patriotic and look back on a few all-time classic debate moments. Plus, in this week's gay news: why Big Little Lies is what America is ALL ABOUT.

Good evening, Los Angeles. Los Angeles. Thank you all for coming out this Tuesday night. It's a Tuesday night with a Friday energy. Back at the improv for our 4th of July spectacular.

We will be at Radio City Music Hall. Yeah. Love it or leave it. Radio City Music Hall. September 13th it will be our biggest show ever buy tickets now

if you're in New York and you can get to New York it's gonna be awesome we've got some pretty exciting guests potentially saying yes and I have a feeling some of these pretty cool guests are going to say yes.

Couple exciting passes. We invited some pretty cool people who said no, but some pretty cool people are available. They think. And make sure you check out the new Crooked Mini series

Reclaiming Patriotism. This July, they're exploring the topic of patriotism in 2019. What does it mean? Who gets to call themselves a patriot, and does it even matter? The series will be hosted by Ken Harbaugh, a former Navy pilot, and he will sit down with people like Pete Buttigieg, Tammy Duckworth, and others to explore the role of dissent

and inclusion in our current understanding of patriotism. To listen, subscribe to Crooked Minis wherever you get your podcasts. Speaking of patriotism, it's July 4th. It looks like it's going to rain in Washington.

A dark time, which we wish for rain and thunder to fall on the National Mall on our nation's birthday to send a message to one person. But because it is the 4th of July, there are a lot of things we can be patriotic about, even though this is a dark time, and I wanted to share some of them with all of you.

While the U.S. did not introduce cheesecake, we were the ones who brought it into the age of the factory. Las Vegas, New Orleans, and Hawaii are all in the same fucking country. Literally, any one of us is one

CNN town hall away from being a presidential frontrunner. Two of the four Beatles died here. That's pretty good. That's a pretty good record. They didn't get to choose where they were born, but they kind of get to, I guess, you know what? Cut that. It's dark.

When I thought of, I thought to the end of it. I thought it through as I was... If you think about it for two seconds, not an acceptable thing to say. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I didn't think about it as I started to say it. All right.

There are places in the U.S. where a gay married couple can protect their marijuana plants with guns. Megan Rapinoe. She's cool. I like how when she sticks her arms out it makes her look courageous and larger than life. Makes me look like a scarecrow.

The Trump administration is printing the census form without the citizenship question. Big Little Lies is written and filmed and edited and distributed right here in America. And Laura Dern was once roommates with Marianne

Williamson. Isn't that interesting? What did they talk about? How often did Laura Dern tell a third friend that Marianne was great but in small doses? NRA TV is imploding. When Ecstasy had a brand problem, it rebranded as Molly, and it worked. Don't take Ecstasy. It's Killin' Teens.

Take Molly. They're the same. But it worked. That's cool. They are building a Taco Bell resort in Palm Springs. How many people here didn't know about that? Yeah, isn't that crazy? And apparently they haven't applied for permits. Taco Bell resort, Palm Springs.

See you there. Yeah, make fun of it all you want. Zero percent chance I do not spend an evening at a Taco Bell-th themed resort in Palm fucking Springs. I am a gay man in America with no food willpower whatsoever. That hotel was built for me. Of the current top five candidates in the Democratic primary, two are women, one is a black woman,

one is a socialist, one is a gay veteran, and one is a grandpa who is trying really hard to learn how to use apps. And Paul Ryan probably had to go on Cobra. Finally, for dinner last night, I ordered two dishes from one restaurant. And do you want to know what those two dishes were? And for the record, I wasn't out and amongst friends. from one restaurant. And do you want to know what those two dishes were?

And for the record, I wasn't out and amongst friends. I was at home. And this food was delivered to me. I ordered chicken parmesan and one empanada. And in America, you can get that from one Argentinian restaurant. And I think that is pretty fucking cool. And I think that is pretty fucking cool.

Think about the perversity that goes into adding the empanada to that order. Think about the darkness of that moment. Alone on a couch. Hypothetically next to a golden doodle. Hypothetically having taken an edible realizing that I got 20 minutes until I start wishing I had ordered an empanada too much? I gotta get control

this can't go on chicken parmesan and empanada I'm 36 year old, I'm gonna drop dead can't eat like that every day It's a lot of cheese, too much dairy In Hollywood? In this economy? Can't do it Can't do it, alright, I'm gonna start the show

We have a great 4th of July special For you, tonight, alright We're doing it a little bit differently So it's just gonna be me And one of our all time favorite love it or leave it guests we're gonna play some games we're gonna do the same shit

she's a comedian and Emmy nominated writer for her work on Barry you know her you love her she's the Elizabeth Warren to my Joe Biden Emily Heller hi Emily hello Emily Heller. Hi, Emily. Hello.

Oh, my God. I had a dream last night that I met Elizabeth Warren. I was with my parents at an outdoor restaurant, and the next day she sent my dad a sweater, and I was very jealous. And I told my dad that this morning and he just asked, was it cashmere? What was it? I don't think we covered that in the dream.

It's like one of those questions you can't answer about a dream. I don't think it was a cashmere. I have recurring stress dreams about Hillary Clinton. Sounds like I'm getting the better end of this deal I just had like a very happy dream I think that the bosses you have when you're 24 they just stay in that dreamscape waiting they really do whatever your first and second bosses are

they are just in there to represent boss forever so it's weird to think that I'll be an old man someday they are just in there to represent boss forever. So it's weird to think that I'll be an old man someday and something stressful will be going on on the moon and I'll realize that I'm once again having lots and lots of dreams of Hillary Clinton circa 2005. Just being disappointed in me. All right. Let's get into it.

What a democracy. We are halfway through year three of Donald Trump's presidency, and for the 4th of July, we wanted to step back and discuss where we are as a democracy. A lot of news is broken on this front in the last week. A few hours before this show started, news broke that the Trump administration was giving up its fight to add a citizenship question to the census. This is a massive win and truly only happened because one fucking hero rifled around in her estranged, corrupt Republican relative's things.

She rooted around in there and she found a bag full of hard drives. And she's like, oh, this is the good shit. This is the Republican conspiracy shit. I'm taking this to a non-profit that's good. And then we won at the Supreme Court. The point is, if you are personally related to a corrupt Republican official

hell-bent on exploiting our institutions to cement a permanent minority rule of an aging white population, poke around. I've said it before, I'll say it again. There has never and there will never be anything wrong with snooping. And I refuse to

follow up on that with any clarifying statements. Alright. Last week the Supreme Court declared that federal courts could not intervene when it comes to the act of partisan gerrymandering, which Democrats will respond to by demanding non-partisan commissions and Republicans will respond to by gerrymandering

like fucking crazy. So, if you're in a Republican state, Republicans can win. But, if you're in a Democratic state, Republicans can win. So it evens out. Yeah, I know. It all comes out in the wash. And after Florida voted to restore

voting rights to the formerly incarcerated, Governor Ron definitely has been around the N-word DeSantis. Signed into law. You know what's funny about that is I wrote that, and then I googled just to make sure before I say that that there's not tape of him actually already saying the N-word

because it wouldn't work as a joke. Still, the spirit is good, but it just wouldn't make sense. And it turns out that during the campaign, one of his donors tweeted out the n-word and DeSantis called it something like an unfortunate mistake. Like he fell on the

keyboard. Well, sometimes when you set shortcuts on your keyboard, you can... He was probably typing it so much and maybe he did fall on the keyboard. Well, I also wonder, like, you know how Google now and Gmail suggest responses? If you're racist enough,

does the algorithm just give you the N-word? I hope there's a rule against that. Anyway, DeSantis signed into law a modern-day poll tax that makes it virtually impossible for many formerly incarcerated people to get the vote as approved by the people of that state.

Emily, so the decision today around the census is huge. How does it feel to get a win on the board? It does not feel like a win. It feels nothing like a win. You just listed two losses and one neutral outcome,

which is that they didn't add a question that wasn't on there, that they were going to add illegally because of collusion with corrupt officials that will not be prosecuted. This is not a win. It feels like we are dragging across the finish line on bloody knees.

And other people have already crossed the finish line, so we're not winning. It doesn't feel like we're winning. I feel like we have to do a lot more to win. It feels like we barely escaped something really bad happening, and we spent a lot of energy on it, and a bunch of other bad stuff is still happening. Am I bumming everyone out?

I'm pretty emo now. Yeah, I guess that's true. We just stopped something awful from happening that shouldn't have happened to begin with while a bunch of other bad stuff happened. Yeah. I mean, it's still cool that the Supreme Court ruled against their party, which they have now.

I don't want to get used to it, because I don't think it's going to happen again for a while. Yeah, I think that's right. Anybody planning to do some grilling this weekend? Here's a question. Democracy. Would you feel better if there was a king like Barack Obama who's just up the road

from the White House in a castle and who had no actual power but welcomed American Idol winners and Trump legally had to go give him an update once a week? There was no actual power in it but Trump legally just had to go tell Barack Obama his plan and just the act of telling him the plan might start some kind of a dialogue.

In this scenario, King Obama is powerless. Okay, you're asking me to accept the wildest hypothetical, which is that we live in a world where Obama was the king who got there because of his family, and Trump is the elected official. Incorrect. No royalty in America ever unacceptable shameful to even consider it

when we come back okay stop hey don't go anywhere there's more of love it or leave it coming up and we're back! Now it's time for OK Stop. We'll roll a clip and the panel can say OK Stop at any point to comment. Alright, it's just Emily.

Yeah. Last weekend, Donald Trump walked over the border from South Korea into North Korea, which is the first time an American president has ever legitimized that nation with a visit. He also alluded to inviting Kim Jong-un to the White House. Let's see how the good people at Fox and Friends characterize this complex and nuanced issue. All I do is

win, win, win, no matter what. Okay, stop. Okay, stop. So, that song is All I Do Is Win by DJ Khaled. One of the only details I know about DJ Khaled is that he is very public about the fact that he does not eat pussy. Do not clap for that! What's wrong with you?

All I'm saying is that's an appropriate song to play over anything Trump does. Well, what's funny about that... Because there's no fucking way that dude eats pussy. It's the one thing. What's funny about that is

that means that DJ Khaled and I have at least two things in common. The other being that we hate that they use this song for Donald That means that DJ Khaled and I have at least two things in common. The other being that we hate that they used this song for Donald Trump in North fucking Korea. Did DJ Khaled comment on this? I haven't asked. I'm assuming. Was this the music blasting at the DMZ? Yes, it was. All I do is wimp. So last night, I come back from vacation. I'm unpack in the building. Everybody hands up. Was this the music blasting at the DMZ? Yes, it was. I didn't know that.

All I do is wimp. So last night, I come back from vacation. I'm unpacking my bag. Do you all know how that is? It takes hours. Why do you have to unpack your own bag? Don't you have people to do that? I let them have the... We can talk.

Okay, good. Yes, and I'm watching the... Okay, stop. Ugh. Song went on for so long. And as always, the anchors of Fox and Friends banter. Like, you know the Twilight Zone movie where there's that little boy who can control everything with his mind? And so he puts together a perfect family, except they have to always be performing or he sends them into the cartoon.

Is that, who's with me? Anybody have any, you know, somebody? any, you know, somebody. The hosts of Fox and Friends are always about to be told that their banter isn't good enough for the child king and are about to be dispatched into the cartoon. Not a lot of people saw that.

If you're my age, it was on TNT at the exact right time all the time. Breaking news. our president walk across through the DMZ and into North Korea, the first time a sitting president has ever done this. It is a huge win. It's a huge deal.

Listen, if any other president would have done it, let's say it was Barack Obama, people would have called it courageous, the greatest feat of the 21st century. But yet that's not what all the critics are saying. Right. And the thing is, we don't know how this is going to play out. We don't know. Okay, stop. You know, he's right. Trump is being held to a ridiculous double standard that Barack Obama wasn't. And I think it's time we acknowledged that. Can I also just say for the podcast listeners, the video they're showing is just Donald Trump's back as he walks toward Kim Jong-un. They don't show his face.

And I think that's because if you showed Donald Trump's face while the song All I Do Is Win played, the suspension of disbelief would be impossible. No, it definitely opens up a hole in the fabric of space time. And two different Star Trek Enterprises pop out. And then they don't know which one is the real one, and that's the episode. But Troy knows something's fucked. Wait, are we still talking about the Twilight Zone? Nope.

Okay. We've moved on to a specific episode of Star Trek The Next Generation. It's July 4th. America made Star Trek The Next Generation. The president gave away too much by going over there, the prestige of the office. We do know this. If the goal was to not have war in the area and to get back to the table,

something unorthodox had to happen after all he took a 70-hour train ride into vietnam okay stop what what from where america i think that must have been kim jong-un's train ride oh okay after all he took a 70-hour train ride. After all. It was before all, right? It was before he got there. For sure. Yeah. That's my only problem with what Fox and Friends is saying. Whether you believe it or not, Kim Jong-un, by all reports, was humiliated that he walked away with no deal. Right at the beginning of the year. So how are you going to get that back on track? Well, he started it with a note on the president's birthday saying nice things. President Trump.

This is fully fucking bananas, not reality description of the world. Like, this is 100% recounting the story of America and North Korea as basically love letters that play where you read it out loud. Now I'm on to love letters. Has anyone here seen love letters that play where you read it out loud. Now I'm on to love letters. Has anyone here seen love letters? I'm going to go through all of my favorites. The Twilight Zone film, Nothing But Trouble. Love letters.

Occasionally on Broadway with a rotating cast, including once Mia Farrow. And... Who was she sitting next to? Brian fucking Dennehy! What are we talking about? What are you talking about? The point is

these people I can't stand them. It's like a math class word problem of like if the Korean leader takes a 70 hour train ride shortly after sending the president a very nice note on his birthday. How long before the world is over?

I also really like that Trump tweeted out that fucking crazy thing that was like, should I go say hello to Kim Jong-un? It's kind of crazy, but I'm thinking about it. Do I swipe right on Kim Jong-un? Maybe I will, maybe I won't. It's very impromptu.

But a week earlier, he blabbed the whole thing to the fucking Hill newspaper. And then the press office at the White House had to go to the Hill newspaper and say, please don't print this. It's a security issue. And then when this happened, they were like, this came out of the fucking Hill newspaper. And then the press office at the White House had to go to the Hill newspaper and say, please don't print this. It's a security issue. And then when this happened, they were like, this came out of the fucking blue. And the Hill's like, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. We're journalists.

Pretty much. He really did pitch it like it was like, should we get fries for the table? Are we, should we be bad? Rumor is, against most of his advisors, he said, I'm here. I'm going to South Korea. I'm going to DMZ. Why don't I just tweet out, I'm here if you want to meet? Okay, stop. Worst Pride March chant ever. I'm here. Why don't I go to the DMZ?

Someone talk to Kim Jong-un for me. Get used to it. Opening up diplomatic talks with North Korea is being talked about like the best taco place a few minutes off the highway. Of course they're going to attack him. That's what you would do. And let's be honest, if it were the adversary, an adversary from your party on the other side

doing it during you, we would do the same. How dare Obama meet with a dictator? OK, stop. That is a stunning amount of self-awareness. He just accidentally revealed to us. He was just like, I would attack the Democrats if they did this exact same thing. And I'm not going to do it. Like, do you not hear yourself?

I don't think they hear themselves. I don't think their little earpieces are on. Their earpieces, yeah. That's just a baby screaming in there. It's just someone shouting, vamp, vamp, vamp. And that's okay, stop. When we come back,

it's time for the first annual debaties. Which will make sense in context. Don't go anywhere. This is Love It or Leave It, and there's more on the way. And we're back. It's been a little over a week since the first Democratic debate and a lot has changed Biden and Sanders saw their numbers go down

Warren, Harris and Castro saw their numbers go up and John Delaney saw himself on television for the very first time There were some big moments in the debates from Biden saying civil rights is a states rights issue. I know, it was really something. To Julian Castro and Bill de Blasio tag teaming Beto O'Rourke.

Did I say that right? To Marianne Williamson coining the new American motto. I'm going to try it. I'll just try it. Girlfriend, you are so on. I can't try it. I'll just try it. Girlfriend, you are so on. I can't do it. You basically have to say it like the cast of Dallas took a beta blocker.

You have to say it like Margot Kidder's scented candle came to life. I think Margot Kidder's dead. Somebody check it. She's dead, huh? We don dead. Somebody check it. She's dead, huh? We don't have to check it. She passed away?

Man, I'm not doing well with my morbid jokes today. Keep running into trouble. You are so on. You are so on. You know how you use a benchmark to get into an impression? For me, I just keep thinking of David after a dentist to get into that. Just like, okay, I've just had oral surgery. Girlfriend, you are so on.

Girlfriend, Charlie bit my finger. Girlfriend, you are so on. The less you move the mouth. The cadence is so remarkable that you can hear it just in... Anyway, this got us thinking, how do these moments stack up against some of the greatest moments in debate history? So we thought we'd let the audience decide in a game we're calling the First Annual Lincoln Chafee Memorial Debatey Awards.

Emily and I will present a category and then show clips of our nominees. Then you, the audience, will decide together who wins. Are you guys all ready to play? The first category is called the Pass the Torch Award for Excellence in Painfully Rehearsed Lines.

You will be voting on which of these is the worst rehearsed line from a debate, a.k.a. which of these is the most Swalwell-esque. A. In a 2008 debate with Joe Biden, Sarah Palin actually asked Biden if she could call him Joe before deploying her failed catchphrase based on his name. It bombed.

Nice to meet you. Hey, can I call you Joe? Say it ain't so, Joe. There you go again, pointing backwards again. B. In 2016, after his hard drive crash, Marco Rubio said the exact same rehearsed phrase maybe 45 times. And let's dispel once and for all with this fiction that Barack Obama doesn't know what he's doing. He knows exactly what he's doing. But I would add this. Let's dispel with this fiction that Barack Obama doesn't know what he's doing.

He knows exactly what he's doing. Here's the bottom line. This notion that Barack Obama doesn't know what he's doing is just not true. There it is. He knows exactly what he's doing. There it is. The memorized 25-second speech. You know, the previews were fine, opening night was good, but I really think the matinee is where it picked up. That debate, man.

Chris Christie wore Marco Rubio's skin for a week after that. Or is it C? In a 2008 Democratic primary debate with Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton went on the offensive, accusing Obama of plagiarizing speeches made by Massachusetts Governor Deval Patrick, which honestly sounds like something Jon Favreau would do.

It's not right. You know, lifting whole passages from someone else's speeches is not change you can believe in. It's change you can Xerox. And I just don't think, no, but, you know, but Barack, it is because if, you know, if you look, I don't think I wrote that. I was thinking about when I saw, I'm pretty sure I didn't do it.

I don't, like I wouldn't bet my life on it. It's like, obviously, it's not unlikely. Cut to you at 4 a.m. this morning, waking up, going through your email archives.

Just Hillary Clinton in a dream saying, you wrote it, you wrote it. You wrote it, you little shit, you wrote it. All right,

what do you guys think? Palin saying that line about Joe, Rubio fucking fritzing, or change, you can Xerox. Palin, Rubio, Xerox. Marco Rubio wins the award. He won one for once. Yeah.

Emily, you want to take us through question number two? The second award we are presenting is called the Oh My God, He's Right Behind Her Award for Best Physical Gaff. While we all remember Donald Trump hovering behind Hillary Clinton, he was not nominated for this award. While we all remember Donald Trump hovering behind Hillary Clinton, he was not nominated for this award. Which of these is a stranger physical gaffe? A. In a 2000 debate, Al Gore suddenly stood up and walked directly at George W. Bush.

It was not Gore's turn to speak. Bush just gave a little smile and a nod, and honestly, Gore looked like a huge loser. It was devastating. That's what the question in this campaign is about. It's not only what's your philosophy and what's your position on issues, but can you get things done? And I believe I can. The fact that the Democratic nominee

was convinced by some consultant to be like, the year is 2000. A lot of people are talking about alpha dogs and wolves. And so it's like, you walk over there and you be masculine. The fact that they thought an environmentalist could physically intimidate a cokehead cowboy wannabe who's been representing Texas for several years.

I believe that the words that come out of Al Gore's mouth moments later are, what about the Dingle Norwood bill? That was his riposte. What about the Dingle Norwood bill? That was the first presidential election I was disappointed by. You know, that I'm really sentient and aware of.

It's a feeling we're all familiar with. Yeah, it's been repeated. Two more options, guys. Is it B? In 1992, George H.W. Bush checked his watch while an audience member was asking a question. It was not ideal for him. But to be fair, people in audiences who ask questions are, without fail, tedious morons.

We have a question right here. Yes, how has national debt... That's it. What a world where that was a gaffe. Checking the time. Donald Trump rejects the existence of time. See, before a 2016 Republican primary debate, Ben Carson and Donald Trump

didn't hear their names called and just sort of stood in the wings. And Jeb Bush smacked Trump's arm, which was honestly the coolest thing Jeb Bush has ever done. Businessman Donald Trump. Florida Senator Marco Rubio. Fucking death. Former Florida Governor Jeb Bush.

You know what it is? I don't even think they didn't hear their names. I think this is the thing where you get to the top of the water slide and then you change your mind. And you're like, you guys go ahead. The producer coming out from behind the curtain and going to Ben Carson, go, go, you fuck, go.

And then Ben Carson doesn't do anything and he goes, ah. It's not even like he went like that. He confidently said, no, I will not. Like he knew better than that guy. I think it's because we so often are like, eh, it's not brain surgery. And he's a brain surgeon,

so now he thinks he knows everything. I totally agree. I mean, I learned from Ben Carson a similar lesson that I learned from Howard Schultz, which is, I think brain surgery is really easy. As I now believe building an international coffee conglomerate must be quite simple as well. Yeah, I think that's probably true.

Okay, so our three options are Al Gore coming at George W. Bush get out style. George H.W. Bush checking his watch. Or Ben Carson and Donald Trump just kicking it in the wings. Okay. Do we want Al Gore?

Do we want H.W. checking his watch? Or do we want Ben Carson, Donald Trump? It's so unfair. The George H.W. Bush thing is so crazy. Oh, Gore won, right? Gore won that award. Congratulations to him, wherever he is.

Well, you're going to have to do a recount, but... congratulations to him, wherever he is. Well, you're going to have to do a recount, but... It was right there. You'd be mad if I didn't take it. God, it was right there, and honestly, I didn't see it. Wait, did any of you want to vote for Pat Buchanan? Is that...

What are you oohing? You still sore about it? Yeah, yeah. It changed the course of the world. It was one of the worst mistakes in ballot design in human history. We would have addressed climate change instead of going to war in Iraq. That was the choice we didn't realize some people in Palm Beach were making. By mistake. Oh, God, that hit me again. I'm right back in it.

Was there a video of somebody walking with a big box of ballots and it just spills out? That's what happened to America. I just like that you said it was one of the worst mistakes in ballot design in human history, as if there have been ballot design mistakes in animal history. You got me. And finally, the most prestigious award of the night,

Love It or Leave It proudly presents the Run, run, it's Kamala Harris and there's blood in her eyes. Award for outstanding achievement in getting fully fucking wrecked by someone on the debate stage. In 2012, in the presidential debate between Romney and Obama, Romney suggested that Obama wasn't properly funding the military. Obama shot back that maybe Romney was just too old to understand. Our Navy is smaller now than any time since 1917. The Navy said they needed 313 ships to carry out their mission. We're now down to 285. That's unacceptable to me. I think Governor Romney maybe hasn't spent enough

time looking at how our military works. You mentioned the Navy, for example, and that we have fewer ships than we did in 1916. Well, Governor, we also have fewer horses and bayonets because the nature of our military has changed. in bayonets because the nature of our military has changed. Those were the days. Next, in a 1988 vice presidential debate, Dan Quayle compared himself to JFK. Then his opponent, Lloyd Benson, said this, and people lost their fucking minds. I have as much experience in the Congress as Jack Kennedy did when he sought the presidency.

Senator, I served with Jack Kennedy. I knew Jack Kennedy. Jack Kennedy was a friend of mine. Senator, you're no Jack Kennedy. Think about how cool that line would be if Dan Quayle didn't ultimately become vice president successfully destroying the opposition

this is the biggest bummer of a show I also just love the look on Lloyd Benson's face because he starts to kind of fidget with his fingers because he's like it's happening it's happening it's happening he's doing the jfk thing he was doing on the stump and i'm ready with the line we worked on it so hard oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god he's finished saying the jfk thing okay okay okay

okay lloyd be fucking cool lloyd fucking this is it lloyd lloyd you've got the clutch gene let's do it lloyd fucking let's do it here we go here here we go. And then he just slowly, he doesn't rush. Lloyd Benson is a fucking pro. He's not gonna just jab the knife in. He's gonna go in slow and look at Dan Quayle's eyes as he fucking murders him. Because Lloyd Benson didn't come here to wound Dan Quayle. He came here to rhetorically kill him.

Or, in a 2011 debate, Texas Governor Rick Perry was asked which federal agencies he would eliminate since his whole deal was that he wanted to eliminate federal agencies. Perry responded by proving that sometimes your toughest opponent is looking at you in the mirror. It's three agencies of government when I get there that are gone. Commerce, education, and the, what's the third one there?

Let's see. I would do away with the education, the commerce, and let's see. I can't. The third one I can't. Sorry. Oops. And let's see I can't The third one I can't Sorry Oops Does anybody remember what the third one was? And do you remember where he went To become secretary?

And he's there Right now Oops Someone said oops Oops He's running a department He both Oops. Someone said oops. He's running a department he both A. wanted to eliminate and B. didn't care enough about

to remember its existence. Alright. Romney, Quayle, or Perry. Here we go. Romney. Quayle. Perry. Perry. And the award goes to, Perry. And the award goes to Rick Perry.

Thank you all for attending and selecting the winners of the first annual debateys. When we come back, Emily and I are going to play a game about centrism. Hey, don't go anywhere. There's more of Love It or Leave It coming up. And we're back. As Donald Trump's nationalism has taken over the Republican Party, Democrats have embraced a bolder, more populist left-wing agenda.

And yet, there has been a flood of op-eds demanding that our country remembers that we need to find common ground. We don't need right or left. We need the middle. And this was an interesting idea to us neolibs, to us neolib shills here at Crooked Media, and we wanted to explore it further

in a segment we're calling Third Way or the Highway. Here's how it works. I'm going to present an issue and give the Democratic and Republican opinions on the issue And Emily and I will find a rational centrist approach To the problem You ready Emily?

My fellow centrist I am ready Climate change Democrats believe scientists who say that if we pass 2 degrees Celsius Of global warming the consequences will be dire There will be wars, famine, extreme weather events Mass extinction and a global refugee crisis Donald Trump and many Republicans do not accept that the problem exists and we should continue to advantage and burn fossil fuels. What is a good

centrist approach between those two poles? Yeah, so obviously we can't get rid of fossil fuels entirely. We need to find some sort of middle ground where maybe we use them but we don't burn them. And the people who don't want to give their kids normal vaccines can use fossil fuels. I think we saw climate change. Next, money and politics. Did you have a pitch for that or no? Climate change?

Yeah. I think just like put all the houses on stilts. Money and politics. Democrats believe corporations and wealthy donors should have far less influence on our politics and its distortive effects have slowed progress and alienated non-billionaire Americans from our own democracy. Republicans believe wealthy donors and corporations should be able to donate limitless amounts of cash to candidates hoping to influence them. What is our centrist approach? Oh, great question. I have one optionrist approach? Oh, great question.

I have one option for you. Oh yeah, please. Corporations can have limitless influence on politics as long as they post something supportive during Pride. Honestly, I can't see

what could go wrong. I think the future is an airline fucking you with a rainbow flag avatar. And you know what? We live in the future. TV stations have to give equal airtime to candidates, right?

You institute something like that, but with tax brackets. And then all the billionaires get together, talk about what they want to talk about, and then all the way on down. I think we should be very, very careful, because that is just insane and terrible enough to suddenly be moving through Congress. I have an alternative centrist approach.

Okay. Trump attacks immigrants desperately seeking refuge. Elizabeth Warren attacks billionaires. These are equal and opposite problems. That's it. That's the end of my approach. Yeah. Yeah. It's definitely just as fair to

attack refugees fleeing terrible conditions as it is to criticize billionaires who are paying a lot of money to kill people. We just had enough of the ad hominem attacks from all sides. Listen, whatever you want to call it, an ad hominem attacks from all sides.

Listen, whatever you want to call it, an ad hominem attack, holding people accountable for their actions, either way, there's no place for it in politics. Finally, guns in schools. Yes. Democrats believe that guns have no place in school and that any gun in a school presents a danger to students. Many Republicans believe teachers should be armed to protect their

students. What is our centrist approach? Well, when I was in school, we had something called the talking stick. Where when you're holding the talking stick, you get to talk. So maybe we just have one gun

that you pass around and when you're holding the gun you get to talk, which I believe is also the rules outside of school. Some other options for you. The teacher should be armed, but also the students and the nurse, everyone except

Mr. Bill, the guidance counselor who is very sweet and wears a cardigan, but who is often heard in the boys' room by D-Hall sobbing in a stall and whispering angrily, Stupid Billy, stupid, stupid Billy, stupid Billy fucks up again, stupid, stupid fucking Billy. Alternative. Teachers can have guns, but they can't have bump stocks, suppressors, or high-capacity magazines. Okay, fine, they can pick one of those two. Okay, they can have as many of them as they want, but they can't have bump stocks, suppressors, or high-capacity magazines. Okay, fine. They can pick one of those two. Okay.

They can have as many of them as they want, but there's a waiting period. Five days. No. Fifteen minutes. If you need a gun in a hurry, you need a gun in a hurry. We're not going to stand in your way, but there will be a domestic violence background check. Okay, there won't be, but compromise. You can no longer use your restraining order as a form of ID.

I think that's sensible. I think that's sensible. I think that's a sensible... Oh! They blocked it. They blocked it. Joe Manchin blocked it, everybody. That's mean, because it was Manchin to me. He was one of the good... He actually tried to get that one done,

and here I am just maligning him. Just an easy attack on a centrist. Here's the thing. When you're in the center of a target, you're what everyone goes for. Does someone want to use that in one of the debates as like a line that they practice? Eric Swalwell falls from the ceiling

with a little pen and pad and just runs out. Can we make it about Biden being old? When we come back, the rant wheel. Don't go anywhere. This is Love It or Leave It, and there's more on the way. And we're back. Now it's time for the rant wheel. You know how it works.

We spin the wheel and we rant at whatever topic it lands upon. This week on the wheel, we have fail sons, high school debaters, quote, the struggle for gay rights is over, end quote, Ivanka at the G20, AOC at the border, Donald Trump's fascist jamboree, big little lies, and patriotism. Let's spin the wheel. it has landed on high school debaters all right take it away so i did debate in high school pretty competitively no big deal i've got a bunch of trophies and it was on the national circuit. It's not a big deal. And as a result of that, I find it physically painful to call what happened last week presidential debates. It's not a debate.

Because a debate, at the end, someone says, who won? And it's decided. And the debaters find out who it is. They're also held accountable for not responding to what other people are saying and the questions that are being asked of them. There are actual consequences for that. This wasn't a debate. It was a bunch of people doing a group interview. There was no back and forth.

There was no speaker points. There were no back and forth. There was no speaker points. There were no timers. I just want to see some more of the conventions of actual formal debate introduced into these. Obviously, the time limit enforcement. Obviously, people being held accountable for not responding to what people are asking them. But also, trophies.

Why not? Let's bring them in. We've already got the ill-fitting suits, so that's basically the same. Sometimes maybe your dad watches to see what it is you've been spending your weekends doing. I just feel like as someone who grew up and was lucky enough to do this activity

that taught me how to think critically in a way that I never have before and how to like properly consider what other people were saying so that I can fully understand it and respond to it and figure out how our worldviews are different and how they fit together. It's very frustrating to see that we're not holding candidates for the presidency to the same standard. But while I'm on the subject, I would like to say that a're not holding candidates for the presidency to the same standard. But while I'm on the subject, I would like to say that a high school debate, if done properly, is amazing. And if you want to see a real debate, I recommend that you volunteer to be a judge at a

high school debate tournament. Because they need you. A lot of schools, especially schools from underprivileged districts, do not have the resources to send kids to tournaments unless they also provide judges. And a lot of times the judges who volunteer, some of them, English is not their first language. That can be a really hard thing for a debater to have to navigate around. So if you are a fluent English speaker, you already are qualified. Even if you aren't a fluent English speaker, you're probably qualified.

All you have to do is want to be there and want to hear what these kids have to say. There's a great organization called the National Association for Urban Debate Leagues that you can also give your money to. That they help establish debate programs at underprivileged schools, which gives kids the skills that they need to end up on a stage like the one we saw last week. Thank you. Now for the opposing point of view. I do not believe anyone should volunteer to help children debate, and I will make that point using

a little philosopher named Socrates. And that philosopher was... And that little philosopher was and that little philosopher was me let's spin it again alright it has landed on the struggle for gay rights is over. The headline from an article in The Atlantic that made me want to die.

So there's an article in The Atlantic that says the struggle for gay rights is over. I want to read the final paragraph from this article because I think it was instructive. As long as homosexuality remains a minority trait, gay people will probably always feel a sense of being outsiders. The coming out process, with all the emotional exertions it can entail, is something straight people never have to contemplate, much less endure.

In a society where heterosexuality is the norm, a feeling of alienation is inherent to being gay, but it is one gay people have the capacity to reconcile, if not overcome. For those born into a form of adversity, sometimes the hardest thing to do is admitting that they've won. I want to unpack that because I think it's really interesting. So obviously, you know, the article points to all the legal victories. It does some hand-waving and caveats around the horrific treatment of trans women, particularly trans women of color.

It also points out some of the ways in which under the Trump administration, gay people have fallen behind. But that paragraph tells you that the fight for gay rights isn't over. Look at all the internalized homophobia in that paragraph. Being gay will never be the norm because heterosexuality is the norm. As long as being gay is different, it means you will always feel alienated. I feel bad that that's the best he thinks he can do. That that's the best gay people fucking deserve. I would argue that just because we've won some legal

fights doesn't mean the remaining legal fights aren't incredibly important. I would also argue that just because being gay is pretty nice in West Hollywood doesn't mean it's not awful for a lot of people. And just because being gay in America is better than it used to be and better than some places around the world, does it mean the struggle of people trying to learn how to be gay

and be accepted when it's harder for them isn't a real and serious problem that we should not accept? But I actually just wanted to talk about the implications of that statement, that somehow, because we've maybe achieved a great deal of legal process that we should just accept this level of equality. Equality is not just the relief of a boot being taken off your neck. It's not just the experience of no longer being actively persecuted and actively maligned and actively treated like some sort of disease or societal evil. Equality is something bigger. And it seems like he hasn't really thought about that at all, that there might be a world in

which being gay doesn't leave anyone feeling alienated, or that just because more people turn out to be heterosexual means that we accept that as some kind of a norm. He accepts the idea that the salience of gender identity, of gender expression, of sexual orientation, the scale and scope and importance of it in our culture is somehow permanent. That we will always live with these distinctions as being incredibly important, that we will value them

with this incredible degree of specificity. And he mocks all the people now protesting on behalf of asexuals, on behalf of other gender identities as an example of what happens when we've achieved progress. But actually it's an example of people struggling against the borders of the kinds of rules and norms we will see as being antiquated pretty fucking quickly. So I do think we actually right now are at a transition where we're finally beginning to think about what actual equality is, not just legal equality, but genuine equality, which is not about gay people

being allowed at the table or women being allowed at the table or trans people being allowed at the table, but just a totally new table in which there are no assumptions about what's normal and what's not. And it seems as though it must be hard to be a gay person who looks around and says, wait a second, we've achieved all this legal status, but I have all this internalized homophobia. It must be hard to be a gay person who looks around and says, wait a second, we've achieved all this legal status, but I have all this internalized homophobia. It must be my fault. So give me a fucking break. The struggle for gay rights is not over. We just got through the beginning. Like we're just at the very end of the first part where we finally have a chance to say what we want to be and be who we want to be. And you're going to say it's over? No, we just got the chance to be who we are for the very first time. We're figuring it the

fuck out. Even the description of coming out of the closet will seem insane. What do you mean there was a period of time where straight people were just assumed to be straight and then at a certain point you told everyone you had a different kind of attraction? That will seem incredibly bizarre

in the same way it will seem crazy to our kids that sometimes TV shows came on at a certain time and if you missed them you had to wait till the summer. I also think with the state of the housing crisis in America people are going to be like

you had a closet that wasn't used as another bedroom? Let's spin it again. It has landed on fail, sons. Emily, take it away. All right, so I don't know what this term was coined to actually describe, but the way I've heard it used is to describe the powerful men who are sons of powerful men, but who are really fucking up

being born on third base. And we've had just sort of a really spectacular couple of weeks of those guys. Max Landis finally got outed for being the abuser and predator that many people have known him to be. He's the son of John Landis, also an asshole. And he made one of the worst reviewed movies in the history of Netflix. And he's been a piece of shit for a long time. We've also been seeing the work of, I think his

name's Jack Dolan, the head of the Knicks. I don't know anything about basketball, but I do know his dad's a really powerful guy. He somehow ended up in charge of Madison Square Garden and he's a billionaire and he started a shitty blues band called J.D. and the Straight Shot that because

he owns Madison Square Garden he sometimes has open for ZZ Top. It's a really, really bad band. Do not listen to them, but do read their Wikipedia page because it is one of the cattiest Wikipedia pages I've ever seen.

And then of course, you know, our president is a fucking fail son. His dad left him a ton of money and he ended up with way less than he would have if he had just sat on it. We need to stop putting pressure on the children

of successful people to somehow outdo their parents and instead just make it okay for them to just fuck off. They don't need to work and their work is ruining other people's lives. I think it's probably too much to ask to get them to do charity work. Like, I don't think we needed Donald Trump to have a career.

I don't think any Knicks fan is happy that Dolan is in charge of the Knicks. I don't know what he did this week, but apparently he messed up big and people are sad. And I don't think anyone should have paid Max Landis to do anything in show business ever. I will say I have written down on a piece of paper in my home office just picture Max Landis finishing a script, and I've written about 30 pages while thinking about that. So if there's one good thing to come from

Fail Sons, let it motivate you because you're better than them in every fucking way. I was thinking that we need a reverse X-Men school. So in X-Men, they go and find incredibly gifted mutants who don't understand their own potential

and teach them how to become heroes that are larger than life that kind of reach their full potential. What we need is a school that takes really, really rich kids who think that they're heroes with unlimited potential because of all the money and privilege around them and slowly grind them down till they pop out the other end grateful for any opportunity we give them. Can we just make like a fake government agency

that we tell them they're in charge of? Like Department of Energy? Is that a real one? Let's spin it again it has landed on big little lies and patriotism it is time for another segment of gay news. It is Big Little Lies is just so fucking good. And you know what? I actually do think it's a statement about America because here is something that was a creative work

made of passion that was supposed to run for just a few episodes, but then that capitalism monster came out of that fucking burrow and was like, make more, even though it doesn't make any sense. And then they all got around a table and they were like, this fucking capitalism

monster is giving me a hard time. We gotta figure out a way to get more big little eyes out of this fucking content barn. And so, they unlocked the content barn and they didn't let Nicole Kidman, Reese Witherspoon, Laura Dern, Shailene Woodley, or Zoe Kravitz,

they all tried to get out of the barn. Like, no, no, no, stay in the barn and buckle up. We're shoving Meryl Streep in there too. They locked the door of that fucking content barn, let it percolate for a while. Six months later, they opened the door and a fucking fantastic season of television popped out.

Meryl Streep in a tour de force, all the other characters growing and becoming more interesting than before, that's what American capitalism can do. That's what brought down the Berlin Wall. Big little fucking lies. You think they could have put that shit together at Chernobyl? What did that even mean?

You can't put a cement sarcophagus over all that American fucking talent. a Chernobyl? What does that even mean? You can't put a cement sarcophagus over all that American fucking talent because it will burn right through. I want to point out not 100% American talent. Nicole Kidman is Australian and in this season it is showing. I just think it's hubristic to an utterly patriotic degree that you're willing

to state definitively that it's a good season when you don't know how it ends it could really go south i'm saying i listen i love it but season one was based on a book it It had an ending. I write for TV. It's hard. And there's just one guy doing it. You know what else is a form of fucking American patriotism? Getting into something without an exit plan at all. And being super cocky

about it and assuming everything will work out fine. You are George Bush with a Mission Accomplished banner behind you. We have not had the season finale yet. I am on a fucking aircraft carrier after Meryl Streep's first fucking monologue.

We'll be out of here. It'll be great. We'll be greeted at the Emmys like liberators. I'll close only by saying this. We need to bring that Big Little Lies spirit to our politics. Because here's the thing, all right? After that season ended, you would have thought, that's it. Big Little Lies is done.

Finished. Kaput. Never coming back, all right? But David E. Kelly, he didn't accept that. Those executive whizzes over there at HBO, Time Warner, Hulu, Universal, Amazon, they didn't accept it. They put their heads together.

They thought, what can we do? How can we continue? How do we go on? And they figured out a way. They figured out a way. And that's what we've done. That's what we've done under three years of Trump. Serious point. Ready? Sometimes I think Donald Trump became president by sneaking through the spaces in our words, that we drain so much of the moral language from the way we talk about politics. We don't talk about character or decency. We talk about authenticity. We don't talk about spirit or

love of life or care for fellow human beings. We talk about likability. And when we drain those moral words from the way we talk about politics, it left spaces and cracks for the worst people in our society to sneak right through. And that's true when Donald Trump hosts a fascist parade and calls it patriotism. And I think we've been forced to ask ourselves what we really mean when we say we love this country. And I think what we've discovered is we love something despite the horrors we're seeing every day. And we love coming together with people who care as much as we do to fight back. I think we'll look back on this as the moment where we decided that we weren't participating because we were patriotic. We were patriotic because we were

participating. And we were forced to confront the fact that a lot of elected people, a lot of Republicans in power, they may call themselves patriots, but we know something deeper. We know that they've forgotten to actually love their country. And we had to figure out how to love our country enough for them too. And I think that's exciting because there will be a last moment that Donald Trump is president. And when that day comes, we'll all still be here paying attention and carrying a whole fucking lot. And at that moment, we'll be able to actually not just stop the worst shit from fucking happening, we'll actually be able to do something positive for people.

And then we'll be glad we held on to this idea of patriotism even when a whole bunch of fucking creeps tried to take it away from us. Okay. And that's our show. I want to thank Emily Heller. I want to thank Emily Heller. I want to thank the improv. I want to thank Nancy Pelosi.

I want to thank all of you for coming out. Happy 4th of July, America. Have a great night. Thank you. The Scrappy Pup Hose House