Lovett or Leave It - Saturn Devouring His Kugel

Episode Date: December 18, 2021

Now more than ever: what a year. Lovett or Leave It hopes the door won't hit 2021 in the ass on the way out, while Ashley Ray and Alice Wetterlund scroll through Mark Meadows' January 6 texts, Det. Peter Bruegel (Max Silvestri) punishes the Grinch for his crimes, and holiday foods square off in a heated bracket that dares to ask the question: is ham a dessert meat? Plus a final round of Hot Takes!For a closed-captioned version of this episode, click here. For a transcript of this episode, please email [e-mail] and include the name of the podcast.

How many closets must one man hide inside? Before he starts to hate the world and slowly lose his mind The answer, my friend, is one The answer is one Well, summer came and we hit the streets There is one. Well, summer came and we hit the streets, slutted it up between the sheets. Still we crave some normalcy,

which we won't reach until our 19th vaccine. We no longer live our lives Bored inside the house The only way to live now Is to love it Live or else Love it He gives us life So fuck it

We'll do it live Yeah, love it He gives us life So fuck it, we'll do it live Yeah, love it, he gives us life So fuck it, we'll do it live Yeah, love it, he gives us life So fuck it, we'll do it live Or else Love it or leave it, it's love it or leave it Good evening, Los Angeles. You know what you people are?

You're the diehards. You're the only people I care about in this whole fucking world. Because it is very cold. And it is not not raining. And you are here for our last show of 2021. Thank you for coming out tonight. We have an incredible show. First of all, that song

was by Patrick Sheese. Thank you so much, Patrick. It was amazing. If you have a live or else theme, sing it to your bathroom mirror because we're done. We will be down next week as we wage the war on Christmas, but we will be back in your feed on New Year's Day

with a rant-a-thon episode, very special. It's the last show of the year, and it is a good one. Alice Wetterlin, Max Silvestri, and Ashley Ray are back to pick the best holiday foods. Detective Peter Bruegel is hot on the Grinch's tail. I don't know what that means. We ask you, the audience, if you can remember what happened this year. We scroll through some texts between a certain chief of staff

and host from a certain cable news network, and one last round of hot takes so we end 2021 feeling as badly as we did when it started. But first, let's get into it. What a week. This week, the January 6th committee released the text messages sent to Trump's former White House chief of staff, Mark Meadows, revealing that various people close to the president, including Donald Trump Jr., Republican politicians, and Fox News hosts, begged Trump to condemn the Capitol riot as it happened, undercutting conservative attempts to downplay the seriousness of January 6th.

In one exchange, jr texted he's got to condemn this asap the capitol police tweet is not enough meadows replied i am pushing it hard i agree something tells me that don jr has sent many of plaintive texts to his father's underlings over the years tell dad to condemn the insurrection. Tell dad to have a Merry Christmas. Tell dad I'm getting divorced. Tell dad I feel so completely alone it's overwhelming that in the silence of my breathing and the buzzing of the blood in my ears

I don't know if I will ever feel okay again. I don't know if I know how to feel okay. Don't feel bad for him. I was about to say, it's not his fault he doesn't know how to love,. Don't feel bad for him. About to say, it's not his fault he doesn't know how to love, but should we feel bad for him? No. Maybe we should trust that instinct. What does compassion towards John Jr. cost us?

Nothing. What is our compassion such a concession to? You know, nothing. Something to think about. He sucks. Committee Vice Chair Liz Cheney said this. She said, These texts leave no doubt.

The White House knew exactly what was happening at the Capitol. Members of Congress, the press, and others wrote to Mark Meadows as the attack was underway. She continued, But questions remain. For example, What did Giuliani intend to communicate when he texted 125 men's room icon emojis to President Trump at 5 a.m. on the day of the attack. Also among the texts was a legal argument from Trump campaign aide Joseph Schmitz, forwarded by Jim Jordan, arguing that Mike Pence could unilaterally refuse to count electoral votes for Biden. Jim Jordan was all in on the coup, which is odd because now he's pushing

for an assault on democracy, when in the past his policy on assault has been to look the other way. That's all I need. I just need one. You know? Like picking up starfish, throwing them back in the water. Because it made a difference to that one. You know? Those footprints behind you?

That's someone making a joke about how Republicans are terrible. When asked by CNN if he had been in touch with Mark Meadows on January 6th, Mitch McConnell said he had not, but I do think we're all watching as you are what's unfolding on the House side, and it will be interesting to reveal all the participants that were involved. XOXO, gossip ghoul. Gossip ghoul. Meanwhile,

Senator Joe Manchin continues to be a holdup on President Biden's Build Back Better agenda. He seems committed to tanking, of all things, the package's expanded child tax credit, an extremely popular benefit to families that has already helped lift 3 million children out of poverty this year. So now it's up to Joe Biden and hopefully three ghosts on Christmas Eve.

Joe, I'm not going to do it. I'm doing it. Joe, it's me, the ghost of Christmas present. Oogity boogity. We've got to stop the 1% of the present to fuck the 99% in the future. And I know what you're thinking. This sounds like, but not exactly like, your colleague Bernie Sanders. And it's not Bernie Sanders.

It's not close enough. At best, this is a bad impression of James Adomian doing a good impression of Bernie Sanders. Thank you. Thank Sanders. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I don't know. It says here, Joe Manchin says Tiny Tim

needs to pull himself up by his bootstraps. He's using that crutch as a crutch. Meanwhile, when NBC News asked if he would be open to a proposed measure to carve out voting rights by simple majority, Joe Manchin said, we're talking about that, talking about everything, the rules, how we make the Senate work better, how can the Senate function in a way that it was designed to function. Manchin continued, everything. We're talking about it all.

Can morality exist in the absence of free will? How does a materialist account of the brain leave room for consciousness? How long will I hold my party hostage? Like some really good talks. Putting aside your bold progressive agenda to pass a bill to protect voting rights Room for consciousness. How long will I hold my party hostage? Like some really good talks. Putting aside your bold progressive agenda to pass a bill to protect voting rights seems like a very cool strategy to make sure Republicans win fair and square. Gotta say it once.

I don't like it either. I was gonna put that in the company slack, but it seemed demoralizing. So I saved it for you. Actually, what happened is I said it out loud, and then I said, should I put that in the Slack? And John and Timer were like, that's demoralizing. And I said, fine, I'm going to go to the place

where I'm in charge completely. This space right here. Meanwhile, New York's joint, don't worry, I'm leaving behind the most fucking soul-crushing week of bullshit in politics for more fun stuff. Don't worry. We're done with that. We're done with Manchin. That's it. We're done with Manchin for 2021. That's the last we're going to talk about him for the rest of the year, as far as I'm concerned. Meanwhile, New York's Joint Commission on Public Ethics ruled that former Governor Andrew Cuomo

must return approximately $5.1 million in proceeds from his COVID memoir to the state's Attorney General, a number which had Andrew Cuomo doing a spit-take. I'm talking marinara everywhere. Oh, man. We had a conversation as to whether or not that joke's still allowed. We decided that it is.

Just to be clear, that's $5.1 million, and everyone who bought the hardcover at its face value has to issue an apology and explanation to their own families. Four anti-vaxxers were arrested at a New York City cheesecake factory for a criminal trespassing after the group staged a sit-in Tuesday, skipping waiting customers to claim multiple tables at the restaurant. Look, if you want to be unhealthy, craven filth monsters with no regard

for your own body, we welcome that. This is the Cheesecake Factory. But you cut the line, so you go to jail. But take this pager, and when your sentence is up, it will buzz. Bring it back to the host counter, and we'll seat you then. They should bottle

that feeling when it buzzes. A Florida woman allegedly poisoned her boyfriend with some kind of poison in his drink because he wouldn't shut the fuck up. The defense rests, Your Honor. In a new interview with the Wall Street Journal, Kamala Harris says she and

Joe Biden haven't discussed running again. Says Harris, I'll be very honest, I don't think about it, nor have we talked about it. You don't think about it? You should think about it. It is in two years and incredibly important. He is old and unpopular. Two qualities that get worse

every day. I don't think about it. Okay. And finally, scientists say the shelf holding back Antarctica's Swaites Glacier could crumble in the next three to five years, leaving one of the planet's largest glaciers vulnerable to collapsing into the ocean, a catastrophic event that would raise the planet's sea level approximately two feet.

But on the bright side, some of those unvaccinated cops who moved to Florida will probably drown. Wow. What a joke to end the year on. May God bless your families and drown our enemies. When we come back, we're going to play a game about some of these january 6 text messages and we're back as we close out 2021 it's good to remember where it all started huddled terrified around televisions as hordes of screaming trump supporters broke into the capitol building in an effort to stop congress and mike pence from certifying the election it feels like a fitting bookend then for the january 6 committee to release text messages this week, sent to Trump's then-Chief of Staff Mark Meadows during the riot, and not the book a man in a Viking helmet wiped his ass with in Nancy Pelosi's office.

I'm kidding. None of these people wipe. These text messages, which Liz Cheney read aloud in Congress on Monday, offer a peek behind the conservative mask, which is one of those blood-spattered Uncle Sam masks you see in the purge, colon, election year. In these texts, we see the truth that despite what bullshit they tell their viewers, Republicans knew in the moment how frightening, grotesque, and dangerous the Capitol riot was for the country.

Here to discuss where we were and where we are now are two incredible comedians and returning guests. Please welcome Ashley Rae and Alice Wetterlin. Hello. Hi. What a night. Wow. You guys. Yeah.

I love all your blankets. You are so cute. What is this, Portland? We're going to get an IPA after this? Come on. Let's get an IPA at a place that serves food the whole time. That's a Portland thing. The restaurants serve food if they're serving alcohol.

That's why it rules. I'm sorry I made you think about the Capitol riot. It's been a long time. It has been. One year almost. Almost one year since the Capitol riot. Wow. What do you get somebody for an insurrection?

The first year is paper. Paper spray. since the Capitol riot. Wow. What do you get somebody for an insurrection? Riot anniversary? The first year is paper. Paper. Paper spray. Paper, paper, paper. Paper spray or paper. It's a spray adhesive, I think.

And then the second anniversary is Wood's specifically a spear or some sort of flagpole. A stake. Yeah. For Buffy fans. So in his new memoir,

because all these people have memoirs. Of course. Mark Meadows says it was really only a handful of fanatics that took part in the Capitol riot and that the Trump protesters had absolutely no urging from Trump. It seems as though he knows that that's not true, as we have learned from his text. Are you buying a copy of this book for your parents? If not, why not? I will not be getting that for my parents.

I mean, first of all, my mom just watches MSNBC constantly. I'm sure there's nothing in it she does not know. That is the only thing she ever has on TV. I buy my parents books about ships and stuff. Nice. Just boats? Just boats, different types of ships, stuff like that.

Art books, you know. Can I ask you a question? Yeah. And maybe you don't know, I'm not sure if you've consumed some of these ship books. Ship books. Is it that all boats are ships, but not all ships are boats, or are all ships boats, but not all boats are ships? A boat's a ship if a boat is a seaworthy. Craft?

Uh-huh. Okay. So. Okay. Okay. And if this glacier melts, we'll all need one soon. Okay. The stage is if this glacier melts, we'll all need one soon. Okay. This stage is a boat and a ship if you need it. And a ping pong table by the feel of it. Yeah.

It's very fun. There's a bit of a risk element to doing this show in the rain. The wood's warping. It's warping a bit. You can feel it warping beneath your feet. A twinge of danger. A metaphor for the year we've just been through. Not quite afraid all the time, but not quite safe all the time either.

Just enough fear to make it fun. Just a little bit. And John is now quoting from the waiver we all signed before we got up here. We got them signed those waivers, right? Jokes aside. Got good on waivers? Yeah, we got them signed those waivers. All right.

Let's get into it. I'm going to read messages texted to Mark Meadows on January 6th, and you have to guess which conservative broke political kayfabe to send it. This game is multiple choice, and the choices are all terrible. Are you ready? Ready to go. Absolutely, yes. I will start with Ashley.

Hey, Mark, the president needs to tell people in the Capitol to go home. This is hurting all of us. He is destroying his legacy. Which truly demented pundit send that exceedingly level-headed message to Mark Meadows? Is it A, Laura Ingraham, B, Steve Doocy of Fox and Friends, or C, Maria Bartiromo? I want to go Steve. I feel like he'd be very about legacy, even believing Trump has one, to be destroyed, that feels right. Oh no, it was Laura Ingram. So while she was sending that text message, on January 6th on Fox News, Ingram was already desperately trying to pretend, which is a fun

way to say lie, that the rioters weren't Trump supporters and said they suggested they were Antifa. Said Ingram, we knew this would happen when you have a huge group of people descending on Capitol Hill, when you have members of the Trump support organizations

and Antifa threatening to show up at the same time. We'll learn more to the extent that that happened. I'm getting a sense that there's clearly a big split in the MAGA groups that have come to peacefully protest

with whoever is behind this intrusion at the Capitol. Of course. They're not likely Trump supporters, she said, and there are some reports that Antifa sympathizers may have been sprinkled throughout the crowd. Yeah, of course.

Do you know Antifa supporters love to just hide amongst Trump people? It's like, yeah, our favorite thing. Our favorite thing? Here we go. I mean, it's a friend of mine's favorite thing. Yes, I mean, I just love the idea that there are these fucking shapeshifter, brilliant, stealthy fucking Antifa people out there that are just like going deep undercover into character as sort of anti-vax Trump people. I'm not Antifa, okay?

But I have friends who are. Wow. All right. I got a lot of friends. Watch your feet, everybody. Names are dropping. Alright, Hollywood. And one of them got a text from Laura Ingram that day, and they're like, hey, come out to the Capitol. No reason. Please come out. Exclusive interview if you

want it. You and a bunch of your friends, maybe? I don't know. Nothing's going on. You want to come just chill? Yeah, that's what the text they were getting. Hold some flags or something. Yeah. Follow the money. Throw some bottles.

There you go. Kui Bono. Next text. Please get him on TV. Destroying everything you have accomplished. I don't know if inciting a riot undermined what Trump accomplished or is, in fact, his one accomplishment, but I do know who texted it to Mark Meadows. Is it A, Brian Kilmeade of Fox and Friends, B, Lara Trump, or C, Rudy Giuliani?

That is A, Brian Kilmeade. That is correct. Okay. Meanwhile, on January 6th, Kilmeade told his viewers, I do not know Trump supporters that have ever demonstrated violence that I know of in a big situation. What a caveat. Yeah. Big situation?

Yeah, in a big situation. What a caveat. Big situation? Yeah, in a big situation. A small situation? Sure. Here's the thing. I love how they don't understand at all what the deal is with Trump. They're just like, you're destroying our legacy.

Come on. You almost had a perfect presidency up until this moment. Up until this. This is the one moment. We almost got to the end. And Trump is like, what legacy are you talking about?

Brian Gilman is like, Trump, baby, it's 12 strikes in a row. Nothing but net up until this point. It's 300 points. Isn't it 13 strikes? Anybody with me? I was talking about bowling. I was doing bowling.

I see what happened. I thought a bowling expert was approaching the stage. That's too many strikes for baseball, but the right number for fucking bowling. Hey, you know what? Get in touch with the rest of this fucking country where we go bowling. Yeah, that's where we make deals in Hollywood. That's where we make you coastal. They think it's golf.

It's actually at the lanes at the lanes. Huh? Knocking pins. You know, they say it's golf. It's actually at the lanes. It's at the lanes, huh? Knocking pins. You know, they say, the old weird boys club. Next text. Over to you, Ashley. Okay. Can he make a statement?

Ask people to leave the Capitol. Is that A, Ivanka Trump, B, Sean Hannity, or C, Gretchen Carlson? I want to say Gretchen Carlson. It was Sean Hannity. That was my other guess. Amazing. Well, no, because it is so out of character. Yeah, it just, it seemed kind of level-headed, like very just, no talk of like,

just like, hey, can he get on? Can he do that? Come on, say something. You know, there are these studies that show that like, if you tell people in a classroom that, hey, we assigned randomly a pro and con for this debate, choose who you think did a better job arguing, even though everyone knows that the person assigned the argument they disagree with

was assigned it randomly, they still dislike that person. They can't help but dislike them for making the argument they don't like. And the same thing happens with like sucking up, right? Like if you tell people that, hey, we're going to have four people come in and three of them have been paid to compliment you, you can't help but like them anyway. Yeah. And I do think that, like, even though deep down, like, we know that Sean Hannity and Laura Ingraham and Brian Kilmeade,

that these people are doing a performance. They truly, genuinely do not think this way. They are playing a character. We can't help but be surprised when they break character behind closed doors. We fall for it the same way the Fox audience falls for it, even though we know better. Yeah.

I want to believe. It's like Macy's. It's, you know, believe. Believe. You got to believe. Like Macy's. Believe. Sean Hannity also said,

I heard these reports that they might even wear MAGA gear about Antifa. Who do you hear it from? Oh, he also said, do I think there were some people based on the reports that there were people that had staged certain things? Yeah, I think that's true too. He said that this Tuesday. He said that this week.

I want to be that delusional though. I want to hold on to something that hard. I want to believe in something that much. Well, I think they don't believe though, right? It feels like they believe to the extent that they're like yelling it out their car window on the way somewhere. Next text. He's got to condemn this ship ASAP. The Capitol Police tweet is not enough. Was that A. Don Jr.,

B. Eric Trump, or C. Judge Jeanine Pirro? Alice? That's Don Jr. It was Don Jr. Okay. He's very Kendall Roy. Yeah. His energy. That energy was very aggressive. Yeah. Shit. He does have Kendall Roy. They're all... He's gotta shut this down ASAP. They're all Kendall Roy with a Connor finish. You know what I mean? Yeah, dude.

It's not like they wrote Succession prior to the Trump presidency. They wrote Succession after. The art... Life imitates... Life is like art. I think John said it best when he said that for the first time, that thing that no one's ever said. Life being art.

Sometimes I find that life imitates art. Best way to say it I can think of. And finally, and either one of you can steal this one. I mean, I gotta get one. Let's meet the minds. We need an Oval Office address. He has to lead now it has gone too far

and gotten out of hand is it A. Ainsley Earnhardt is it B. Don Jr. or is it C. Tucker Carlton gosh you know in my deep study of the Trump family I feel like this sounds

very Don Jr. that is correct thank you thank you got it what a stunning bit of Trump family, I feel like this sounds very Don Jr. That is correct. Thank you. What a stunning bit of inference. Yes. This is what Don Jr. actually said before. So he's now texting his dad's

assistant to get in touch with his father, whose number he does not have. Yeah, of course he doesn't have his dad's number. To say stop the riot. But here's what he said before. I have a message for all the Republicans who have not been willing to actually fight. The people who did nothing to stop the steal. This gathering should send a message to them. This isn't their Republican Party anymore. This is Donald Trump's Republican Party. You have an opportunity today. You can be a hero or you can be a zero. And the choice is yours. But we are all

watching. The whole world is watching, folks. Choose wisely. I think he incited an insurrection, if you ask me. Yeah. I mean, just you reading that got me pumped. I was like, oh my goodness. Talking about Kendall Royce, set it to a beat. Yeah.

Like... Do we have a beat? Do we have a beat and John can do that? Trump's party. That would be the end of me. So Mark Meadows is getting these plaintiff messages from powerful Republicans asking Trump to stop the insurrection. But while that is happening, Mark Meadows,

who in his book denies that it really was any kind of uprising of Trump supporters, is also getting terrified messages from within the Capitol. So these texts are coming in at the same time. Like, Trump has to stop the insurrection. But here are the messages he is getting in real time. We are under siege here at the Capitol. They have breached the Capitol.

Hey, Mark. Protesters are literally storming the Capitol, breaking windows on doors, rushing in. Is Trump going to say something? There's an armed standoff at the House chamber door. POTUS has to come out firmly and tell protesters to dissipate. Someone is going to get killed. Mark, he needs to stop this now.

Tell them to go home. POTUS needs to calm this shit down. And finally, sent from someone inside the Capitol building, we are all helpless. I like the, hi, Mark. Hi, Mark. That was really courteous Hey Mark

Hey howdy Mark Hey Mark just circling back on you Not letting all these people kill us Hey Mark Ha ha and thumbs up on your last message I didn't respond to Just to kind of create some emotional space from that Hey Mark adding you to this thread

Of terrified people all stuck in the capital Just checking. Hey, Mark, we started a group chat. Checking in on ETA of Trump disavowing. I just saw a middle-aged man crying and calling his children. I believe that person is an Iraq veteran. We need help in here. Also, on for brunch.

Alice and Ashley, they'll be back for hot takes and our food bracket. We have a bracket about food. It's exciting. We'll be right back. Hey, don't go anywhere. There's more of Love It or Leave It coming up. And we're back! Tis the season

for ghosts visiting millionaires, children taking solo trips to New York, and of course, Dr. Seuss' favorite festive villain, the Grinch. Beloved since his titular book was published in 1957, the Grinch is a much-needed taste of sour in the saccharine gingerbread tablescape that is American Christmas. Here to discuss the timeless holiday tale is Detective Peter Bruegel, the man who has vowed to hunt down the Grinch

and make sure he rots in prison. Wait a minute. Thanks for having me, John. You mind if I smoke? No, that's fine. You want to smoke? I think there's been a mistake, though. I thought we booked an expert in the Dr. Seuss book, The Grinch,

not some kind of gimlet-eyed lone wolf detective with a vendetta against a Christmas character. Oh, but I am an expert on the Grinch, John. To catch a psycho, you have to get inside his twisted, stocking-capped mind and understand what makes him Old Saint Tick. I've looked into the Grinch's dead red eyes on more Christmas Eves than

you've been alive, and one day I'm gonna put that chartreuse son of a bitch in a hole he can never climb out of. Jesus. Detective Bruegel. Peter, The Grinch is a story for children. Oh, I wouldn't let a child within a hundred yards of that mutant, John. If my ex-wife still allowed me to talk to our son,

you better believe I'd tell him to keep away from The Grinch. But I don't even know his new email address. She won't tell me. But anyway, you've heard the theme song, John. His brain is full of spiders. He's got garlic in his soul. Mr. Grinch, come on. Yeah, but that's artistic license.

Like how in Cats, the musical, Mr. Macavity, the mystery cat, is described as a monster of depravity who's broken every human law. But that can't really be true, right? Or are you suggesting Macavity murdered a child he drove across state lines? Would you bet your Christmas on it, John? Would you bet your children's Christmases? I've seen the furriest little paws commit the most heinous crimes. What? Like snatching stockings and stealing Christmas trees?

Do you watch Fox News, John? Destroying Christmas decorations is practically a hate crime. Not legally, of course, but I don't follow the rules. I follow my own code. A code that's always evolving, of course. Kind of depending on what's bugging me or what the guys at the CrossFit gym are complaining about. CrossFit, huh?

Sometimes I'll see a TV commercial that rubs me the wrong way, and I'm like, oh, this is going in the code. So, yeah, the one rule I live by, follow the code, I make up. And the code demands I ask where the Grinch was the night that Tannenbaum went kaboom. Wait a second. Detective Bruegel. Peter, are you suggesting that the Grinch set fire to the Christmas tree outside of Fox News? Oh, give me 10 seconds with that lime green bastard and I'll have him singing. It's beginning to look a lot like piss my pants.

Wait, who's pissing his pants in that song? Are you or is it him? It's him! My pants as in his pants. I'm not pissing my pants. I don't even have to go. Peter. I've read The Grinch. I've seen the animated Grinch.

I even saw the Jim Carrey Grinch because I got too high before a screening of Miss Congeniality and wandered into the wrong theater. And then I was crying too hard to get up and leave. The Grinch only does something sort of naughty. The cops do not actually need to get involved at any point. Or is that just what the Grinch

would like you to believe? Roll the clip! The holiday season has been saved in Verona, New Jersey. Verona police nab the Grinch and charge the iconic Christmas character with attempting to steal holiday cheer. Bystanders applauded as the officers led the mean green Grinch into a waiting patrol car

and ushered him off to jail. I like to see that. The boys in blue taking down the freak in green. Now that is a Christmas miracle. That Grinch was looking rough. Yeah, probably the years of guilt gnawing its way out from his core, like how I eat pecan pie. I know

it's the wrong way, John, but again, I don't follow the rules. I follow my code. And I follow guy code. Like, you know, two men must never, under any circumstances, share an umbrella. Hashtag guy code. Why not?

What? Come on, guy code. Just look at how those nice policemen are arresting that ornament-snatching goblin. Keeping New Jersey safe. You know, Santa, he's a close personal friend of mine. But don't ask him about me. He's weird about stuff like that. He's so busy.

Yeah, famously, Santa is very busy. But Peter, that entire video is just blatant copaganda. So you want that Viridian creep slithering down your chimney and making off with the angel on the top of your tree. I continue to be Jewish. Well, congratulations. But I think you can still respect the sanctity of popcorn garlands, John, and that they were invented by Jesus Christ, the one true king, as a birthday present for his dad, who is the only God.

All right. Well, sure. Okay. Yes. Peter, the whole point of the Grinch is that he steals Christmas, the town rallies together in the spirit of the holidays, and the Grinch realizes the error of his ways on his own. He experiences growth. He becomes a better member of society. Isn't that an important lesson? Isn't that something we should celebrate?

No. No. The only thing I'm going to celebrate is when the judge, who's a tennis friend of mine, wipes the smirk off the Grinch's little booger-hued face when he sentences him to as many life sentences as Christmases he's ruined. The Grinch is going away, and if I have anything to say about it,

he's going to die in there, John. Oh, my God. You want the Grinch to die in jail? How can you even know that the Grinch actually changed as a person? Sounds like some Antifa bullshit to me. Famously, his heart grows three sizes. Peter, there's literal scientific evidence.

What are you gonna believe, John? Some giant monster heart? Or the gun and coke I'm going to plant in the Grinch's sleigh? Wait. Forget I just said that. If you don't forget I said that, I'm gonna plant a gun on you. Down at the station, they call me

Mr. McGregor because of how much I love planting. I'm going to plant a gun on you. Oh, God. Down at the station, they call me Mr. McGregor because of how much I love planting. Look, I keep meaning to ask, I don't even understand where... What is your jurisdiction exactly? Is it the North Pole? Oh, I'm on paid leave from the Whoville PD. Kind of a huge misunderstanding. I'd tell you about it, but my union rep says

I'm going to get my ass sued if I do, which is hard because I do not play by the rules. You have said that approximately 1,000 times already. Listen, all I'm saying is if we let the Grinch get away with one hate crime... Burning a tree is not a hate crime, and you blamed him without evidence. Who knows where it will lead?

Next thing you know, he'll be dismembering snowmen, biting the heads off gingerbread people, unscrewing icicle lights. My theory is that he has some sort of sexual compulsion, John. He probably grew up hating my mother and wanting to have sex with her. Did you say

my mother? My mother. His mother. Don't be gross. You're all mixed up. You don't know. You know there are actual hate crimes you could be helping to solve, Peter, like actual ways you can help people. Oh, but this is so much more festive. Plus, actually helping fix society would require me to, you know. Would it be play by the rules?

Play by the rules. All right, get off my stage. Detective Peter Bruegel, everybody. Mr. Potter's my uncle. Give it up one more time for Max Silvestri. You all understand that Peter Bruegel is in some ways a reference to Hieronymus Bush. You see it, as you're sophisticated.

When we come back, something else. And we're sophisticated. When we come back, something else. And we're back. Before we get to the rest of the show, a couple announcements. Anything less than 70 degrees is too cold in Los Angeles, so love it or leave it, live or else, is moving in of doors. Starting next month, you can join me and a lineup of incredibly funny people every week at dynasty typewriter for tickets head to crooked.com slash events also this week on x-ray vision jason concepcion and rosie knight dive deep into the latest film in the marvel cinematic

universe spider-man no way home they break down all the best moments talk about experiencing the film with an audience recap which of their theories were correct and which were wrong. New episodes of X-Ray Vision drop every Friday wherever you get your podcasts. And we're back. If you're like me, that makes sense because you're outside here in the freezing cold giggling about eggnog in an attempt to overthrow democracy. And who else would do that but us? But another way you might be like me is that the last year has been a blur. When someone reminded me that Tina Fey and

Amy Poehler hosted the Golden Globes in 2021, I gasped out loud like I just saw the end of Halloween Kills, which I think came out in 2017, or maybe 2006, or maybe it hasn't come out yet. Not only have the last 24 months blurred together, but I've lost my handle on whether things ever happened at all. Did I hallucinate my octopus teacher? Did an octopus really teach a narcissist how to love? A little commentary snuck in there. A little too much my, not enough octopus.

Anyway, it says here, grill up that little bastard with some lemon. Let's see how smart it is with aioli. Ah, yes, 2021. What the hell happened? To help me sort it out before we start a whole new year, it's time for a game we call Did It Happen? Here's how it works.

I will give you a cultural moment. You will tell me if it happened this year, 2020, or not at all. Can I get a volunteer from the crowd? Hi, what's your name? I'm Tom, and this is my wife, Kate, who's embarrassed to stand up. Gonna go with Tom. Hi, Tom.

Kate, why are you embarrassed to stand up? Oh, I'm... I just enjoy sitting. Keep the mic with Tom. Are you ready, Tom? I'm ready. Did this moment happen in 2021, 2020, or not at all? Here we go.

J.K. Rowling surprises Marilyn Manson with a gorgeous bouquet of roses, which he gushes about on Twitter. Not at all. 2020. Oh, shit. Meghan Markle and Prince Harry announced their decision to leave the royal family. 2020. 2020, correct.

Meghan Markle and Prince Harry officially leave the royal family. 2021. Correct. Ben Affleck and Ana de Armas break up. 2021. Correct. Alex Trebek dies. 2021.

2020. 2020. Chet Hanks ushers in white boy Summer, complete with a single of the same name. 2020. 2021. That just fucking happened. Taika Waititi, Rita Ora, and Tessa Thompson publicly make out. 2021.

You bet. Bean Dad make out. 2021. You bet. Bean Dad. 21. Correct. The first person in the world receives a double arm and shoulder transplant. Didn't happen? It happened in 2021. Fuck.

Good for them. Who's got two thumbs and just got the world's first double arm and shoulder transplant? That guy. Two thumbs down to that joke. I think, I'm sorry. Wait, what did he say? I missed it. I said two thumbs down to that.

Two thumbs down, two thumbs down. Here's the edit. Who finally has two thumbs? You have the finally, it crushes. For the very first time, the total combined value of all cryptocurrencies such as Bitcoin passes $1 trillion. 2021? Correct.

President Biden broke a White House toilet that had been in continuous use since the Wilson administration. 2020. Didn't happen. How would that have happened in 2020? Use your fucking head. So he stops by to say hi to the current president, Donald Trump. Says, hey, I have to drop the biggest shit in a hundred years.

So big it's gonna fucking ruin this ancient toilet. First used by racist president Woodrow Wilson just after the end of World War I. Are you saying that that's what happened? Are you saying that after the Treaty of Versailles,

which did not go far enough to repair the damage done by World War I, Woodrow Wilson came back sad about the failure of the League of Nations? Failing? Totally. We talked about it in the car ride over. All right, Tom. Don't get cocky. That's two laughs. There won't be a third. Mike Richards is chosen as Alex Trebek's replacement.

21. Correct. Brexit finalized. 2020. Correct. Sarah Palin is unmasked on The Masked Singer. Oh, 21? 20.

Jojo Siwa got engaged to a woman. 21? Didn't happen. I don't know. Gritty, the mascot of the Philadelphia Flyers was investigated after allegedly assaulting a teen

during a photo shoot. The investigation turned up no evidence to support the claim. 21. 20. Bernie Madoff died in prison

at the age of 82. 20. 21. Just happened. During a live broadcast, Tucker Carlson kissed a small locket photograph of disgraced

former police officer Derek Chauvin. 21. Didn't happen. Coulda. Lady Gaga's French bulldogs are safely returned after being stolen and her dog walker is shot. 21. Blake Lively starred as a British

freelance assassin in the Rhythm section. Sure. Correct. 2020. The world's oldest giraffe living in captivity died at the age of 31. 21. Correct. 2020. The world's oldest giraffe living in captivity died at the age of 31. 21. Correct. Amazon announces a narrativized Joe Exotic project starring Nicolas Cage.

Didn't happen. Happened. September 2020. Amazon quietly canceled the Joe Exotic project starring Nicolas Cage. 21. Correct. Correct. Finally, Camila Cabello explained who Joseph Stalin was to Shawn Mendes in a joint interview.

21. It didn't happen. It shouldn't have. Tom, you've won the game. Kate, I think he's a keeper. I like him. When we come back, we're going to put some holiday foods, you know, head to head. Don't go anywhere.

This is Love It or Leave It, and there's more on the way. And we're back! It's the end of the year and the holidays have a stranglehold on our emotions, our wallets, and of course our digestive systems. No other time period demands we bow to its culinary excesses quite like winter. And for good reason. Eat festive foods any other time of the year and you'll be labeled certifiable. Eat a salad in December. No one bats an eye. Openly drink eggnog

in June. Good luck getting invited to those 4th of July barbecues, buddy. Nothing pairs worth with 90 degree weathers than a thick bev. But if we only have a very limited time to eat the gingeriest breads and the cranberry-ish sauces, we have to be judicious with our menus. Apologize

to your gallbladders and welcome to the stage to fight over the best holiday foods, Max Silvestri, Alice Wetterlin, and Ashley Rae. Alright, here's how it works. We're going to pit two classic holiday food items against each other and have them battle to the death. Let us begin. Alright, first up, we have latkes. We've got to move fast. This is a big bracket.

Whoa. Latkes versus mac and cheese. Does anybody have a strong feeling? Mac and cheese. Hello, mac and cheese. latkes. We've got to move fast. This is a big bracket. Whoa. Latkes versus mac and cheese. Does anybody have a strong feeling? Mac and cheese. Hello, mac and cheese. Latkes. Thank you, Max. The only non-anti-Semite.

Oh. Jews control the media, and mac and cheese is better than latkes. All right, guys. I mean, it's... Do we want to make our argument? I mean, I feel like, first of all, mac and cheese is very black. So what are you really angry about? Mac and cheese wins.

Mac and cheese wins. Mac and cheese wins. Mac and cheese wins. Mac and cheese wins. Trump card played. I lose. Mac and cheese wins. It's not like all latkes that everybody's ever made are great.

You know what I mean? I've had so many bad latkes. It's somewhat easy to fuck up. Next up, we have black-eyed peas versus sweet potatoes. Sweet potatoes. But like any sweet potatoes? I guess they have black-eyed peas versus sweet potatoes. Sweet potatoes. But like any sweet potatoes, I guess they have to win because there's so many ways you can do it. Yeah, like a sweet potato with a marshmallow on top. But even in like a...

I will say, though, just for the holiday thing, nothing is more tied to a day than black-eyed peas. Right? Is it not a New Year's thing? That's a New Year's thing. Yeah, but this is the holidays. Well, this is Christmas. I think holiday, I think it counts. I mean, latkes or Hanukkah.

You know what I mean? I'm losing the crowd so hard. Sweet potatoes. It's the sweet potatoes, though. He's really sorry. He loves sweet potatoes. He promises. He loves sweet potatoes.

No one is ever excited about black eyed peas. Oh my God, sweet potatoes. Yeah, people don't really lose it. No one is ever like, oh, I'm so ever excited about black eyed peas. Oh my god, sweet potatoes. Yeah, people don't really lose it. No one is ever like, oh, I'm so glad you made black eyed peas. It's always like, I guess I have to eat this or I'll be jinxed all year. Yeah. It's an obligation. You don't want to eat a food having to ward off an evil eye.

Right. It's a good luck food. Yeah. Sweet potatoes for the win. Yeah. Next up, we have Feast of the Seven Fishes and Christmas Ham. This is from the Goyim Conference. So I'll leave this to everyone else.

I'm going to abstain. This is all me, and I picked both. I don't know what that is. I love Christmas ham so much. I love an orange meat. But even though I'm an Italian and my last name is Sylvester, we never did Feast of the Seven Fishes. I say ham. You say ham. So anybody want to

make a case for seven different kinds of fish? Yeah, I guess I'll do just overfishing in general. It seems like if you're going to get seven fishes, you're going to be part of the problem no matter what. Christmas ham takes it. Christmas ham takes it. It's such a politicized bracket. I'm nervous

to be up on the stage. It's a political show. Unabashedly. We're getting real. In a political time. In a political time. In a political time. Next up, we have corned beef and cabbage.

What do you call it when you're a long shot? What's it called when you're a... A long shot? A Cinderella. Like a heart person. Dark horse.

No, that's not the phrase. A Katy Perry reference. A heart... From the third row. A heart person. Dark horse. That's not the phrase. A Katy Perry reference. From the third row. A heart team. You know what I'm talking about? An underdog? Underdog? Sure, no.

Like Bucknell. They're always like, Bucknell, they're a real heart team. A sweetheart team? A rookie of the year. No. No? We're just saying things now? Long shot film.

A long shot film. Cinderella story is still not correct. What? Someone say move on. A we're cold, maybe. Underdog. I swear to God. You tell me to move on, I will sit in this.

Yeah. All right. Look, it's corned beef and cabbage versus brisket. I don't even think this has to be a conversation. Obviously, it's going to be corned beef and cabbage. That's what we're talking about. Yeah, it's corned beef and cabbage. I had it Sunday night

At Tam O'Shanter's With the carols It was the most Christmas I went to Tam O'Shanter Are you about to Fight Leonardo DiCaprio In the streets of New York What are you talking about

You have not gone to Tam O'Shanter Yes It's Corby McAllister It's so good I'm in outer space right now Me and the tiny cabbage guy No we definitely don't want Brisket is not always good Sometimes it's dry

And also you have brisket all year round I don't tie brisket to a holiday I'll accept it, I'm not too worried about it It's going to lose pretty soon to one of these other foods But fine, corned beef and cabbage Wins Now over to the other conference Please, I'm a quarter Irish

I love it It is Kugel versus gingerbread oh wow Kugel I'm 100% Kugel 100% yeah it's so good yeah cause gingerbread sucks yeah I've only ever had one

good gingerbread cookie in my life it's architectural I will build with Kugel if I have to. What is Kugel? What is Kugel? Expand your horizons. Wow. It is a delicious, what is it?

Like a noodle pudding, kind of. Like a breading noodle thing. So basically you take noodles, eggs, some maybe raisins. Yeah, like a Jewish casserole. It's Jewish casserole. Like a bread casserole. Yes, of course it is, which we all knew. Yeah.

I don't even know why we're just going over it when we all know. For sure what it is and eat it frequently during this season. During this season. Listen. Try Kugel. Next up. I can't believe gingerbread just got done like that. Gingerbread. It's not that good. just got done like that. Gingerbread.

It's not that good. It's a dry cookie. It's iconic. Well have you tried the Kugel latte? All right. This is going to be contentious.

This is a long simmering rivalry. This is really. Canned cranberry sauce versus homemade cranberry sauce. I'm out. I'm out.

She can't do it. It's too much. Canned. Canned. It cranberry sauce I'm out She can't do it It's too much, canned Alice, what do you think? For me it's all the canned I'm going to be that asshole, I like homemade It's really simple, it's just cranberries A little bit of sugar and water Or maybe some zest of an orange

If you're me But the fun part is when it comes out shaped like the can and you get to slice it up in little slices. Yeah. And they're discs and you can throw them. Yeah, and they're little discs. You can put it on a biscuit and it's a little disc. They're both so good. That's why it's so contentious. They got that wobble. The noise it makes when it comes out of the can is my text

tone. That's when I get a text. It's like a... Okay, that's entertainment. That's a meal and an experience. It's a tie. I'm going to let the audience decide. I'm going to say canned, and I'm going to say homemade. All right? Canned.

Homemade. Canned. Homemade. It's really close. I feel like it was homemade. Homemade wins. I heard homemade. Next up, we have...

I don't agree with it, but... But it's a democracy. Next up, we have mulled wine versus hot apple cider. That's tough. What do we want? Perfectly good wine, warmed and spiced, turned into syrupy fucking alcohol soup, or delicious warm apple

cider. Ashley, what do you think? We went to school together in Western Massachusetts, famously known for wonderful hot apple cider. I gotta go apple cider. Eve, say hot apple cider. Anyone gonna argue with that? I never punched anybody because of apple cider. Also,

mulled wine stains your teeth. Stains your criminal record. Love turning down some mold wine. Apple cider wins. Next up, eggnog versus coquito. Does anybody have a preference? Eggnog's so hard, it's

crazy. I start aging eggnog two months before December. I love it so much. Give me egg yolks, milk, brandy, rum, bourbon. All December long, I had a glass tonight. Wow. That is amazing. I don't know what coquito is. It's like an eggnoggy adjacent coconut beverage.

It's like coconut and rum. It's delicious. Yeah, it's delicious. It has cinnamon. It's kind of like an horchata with alcohol. That sounds really good. Usually, like in Chicago, there was always a coquito lady who would go to little bars

and stuff and you could buy it from her during the holidays. I like herb. Come on, that's your supporting local business. Give her my number. I presume it has raw egg yolks in it. It's a Christmas drink. I will say, I am like, Max, the window we're getting into your life

where you're making homemade cranberry sauce, where you have a several-month-long process for making sure you have eggnog. And I know this is something you've talked about in your stand-up. You are the gayest fucking straight person I have ever met in my life. It shocks me every time, and I love it. Thank you so much. I really appreciate that. I love the holidays.

And men. And men. All right, eggnog takes it. Thank you so much. I really appreciate that. I love the holidays. And men. Alright, Eggnog takes it. Yes! I don't know that we actually had a vote. I feel like you two said Eggnog and everybody else is like Wait a second, wait a second, wait a second. Wait a second, wait a second. You know what? Literally only Max said Eggnog.

I feel like. I know but he is closest to me. Alright, audience. Eggnog. closest to me. All right. Audience. Eggnog. Coquito. Coquito takes it. They might take the whole thing.

That reaction. This feels like a psyop. This is crazy. It's so good. I heard Antifa sprinkle throughout. Now we move on. Now we move on to the semis. Is that what it is? Now it's Mario. It we move on. Now we move on to the semis. Is that what it is? Now it's the quarters.

Now it's getting really real. Mac and cheese versus sweet potatoes. I don't even think this is close. Mac and cheese. Mac and cheese, right? What are we doing here? Get that cheese in there now. I feel like I'm living in an alternate reality.

How are you putting cheese in there? What are you talking about? Is mac and cheese even a holiday food? Who made this bracket? I'm sorry. I guess I'm wrong. Yeah, it's an important Thanksgiving side. I feel like I need to make you my macaroni and cheese.

I love mac and cheese. I couldn't be a bigger fan. This is a holiday food. Look, turn my mic off. I don't want to be on this podcast anymore. Next up, we have corned beef and cabbage versus Christmas ham. It's salted meat versus salted meat. It's pig versus beef.

The rumble in the farm. I'm so sorry. I mean, Christmas ham does have the word Christmas in it. Oh, unless we want boiled, salted fucking meat. I do. Yeah. Yes. I do.

It's so good. With a ton of mustard. And like a piece of rye bread or pumpernickel. Oh my God. It's so good. I think it's a great meal like a piece of rye bread or pumpernickel. Oh my God. It's so good. I think it's a great meal to have right before you leave to start a new life. It's like generations tried to escape corned beef and cabbage. To put a whole piece of your animal in a big pot and boil it overnight.

And then to have that what a beautiful thing christmas ham wins i'm fucking calling it's my show i like that and i say this as somebody who did not understand or have ham as part of a dinner ham to me was a sliced meat for lunch i did not try dinner style ham until i was literally in my late 20s. I swear to God. And I remember having a ham for the very first time. I remember even where I was. I was in Washington, D.C. and someone said, this is a Christmas ham. And I said, I've never had Christmas ham before. What's it like? And then I tasted it and it was incredibly salty and sweet. And I was like, you fucking Christians treat this as an entree. This is like meat dessert. You people are out of your

goddamn minds. Kugel versus homemade cranberry sauce. Huh. Wow, it's tough. We didn't see that coming, did we? Go. Kugel. I gotta go Kugel again. I say Kugel. Homemade cranberry sauce. Jews control the media. Kugel wins.

Come on. That's a side versus like a real meal kind of. It's a sauce versus side. Don't worry. Don will make a meal out of it. No, yeah, that tracks. Don't worry. They're mercurial and cold.

Next up, hot apple cider versus Coquito. Wow. Coquito. Hot apple cider versus Coquito. Coquito. Wow. Coquito. Yeah. Hot apple cider. Woo. Coquito. Yeah.

Hot apple cider. Yeah. Coquito takes that. We got to be honest. I think so. Of course, it's alcoholic. It's alcoholic. Next up, it's the Trafe bracket.

It's dairy versus pork. Ham versus mac and cheese. I love it. Mac and cheese or Christmas ham. What do we think? Mac and cheese all the way. Mac and cheese. Mac and cheese. They take it. Come on. This is why people don't vote.

This is why people don't vote. It must why people don't vote. It must have just been Cinderella's story. What a crazy bracket this is going to be. It's the heart team. Those are both delicious, but only one of them gets you drunk. I'm going to remember what it is. Next up, Kugel versus Kokito. Kokito, it gets you drunk.

You haven't had my Kugel. Kugel! Kugel, it gets you drunk! You haven't had my Kugel. Kugel gets you full! Kugel can fuck you up if you're not careful, all right? My Kugel has meth in it. I've seen people... I've seen people make some terrible decisions after eating too much Kugel. It happens.

What do you think? Kugel versus Kugel? It has to be Kugel because it's for a day, right? I'm giving it to Kugel. It happens. What do you think? Kugel versus Coquito? It has to be Kugel because it's for a day. Right? I'm giving it to Kugel. Kugel is crushing it. Max is horrified. I'm so happy about Kugel. Alright,

now it is time for the it is the ultimate. The pasta final. Come on. Wow. I heard it. Our two favorite holiday carbs. Mac and cheese versus

kugel. It's a desert food versus just food. What do we think? Like an arid food? Yeah, it's an arid food. It's mac and cheese versus kugel, the Jewish mac and cheese in many ways, when you think about it, actually. When you think about it, it's an arid food. It's mac and cheese versus kugel, the Jewish mac and cheese in many ways, when you think about it, actually.

When you think about it, it's our version of it. Alright, final decision. Anybody have any final... You know what we're going to do? Everybody just say kugel or mac and cheese and then we're going to give it to the crowd to decide. My personal view, kugel is born of thousands of years of suffering.

I didn't know about the suffering. This is good to hear about. But I should digest that later. I'm going to vote mac and cheese because I would always prefer that. Wow. Alice, what do you think? I'm going to go ahead and say Kugel because I hate where we've gotten to

where we're a society that just picks mac and cheese whenever when it's just available you know what I mean and not really recognizing what it's supposed to be just like making a food truck of it come on

we're better than this I don't know what I'm talking about it's kugel Ashley what do you think? Oh I mean I gotta go mac and cheese I mean

macaroni and cheese is a staple in black culture during the holidays there's competitions between aunts relatives who has the best mac and cheese my family has passed our mac and cheese recipe down generations soul is baked into that cheese oh i'm changing my vote now i'm over here now that's correct's right. We have carbs born of misery. Kugel.

Mac and cheese. Kugel. Mac and cheese. Won't be the first time. Won't be the last time. The Jews are defeated by numbers. Mac and cheese takes it. It is the holiday food bracket champion of the year.

And there's a big surprise. I think we have a whole lot of hot trays of mac and cheese. Is this true? Open up the doors. Bring it in. It's piping hot. Piping hot. There's cider, all this stuff.

Every food item in the bracket is in your cars. When we come back, let's end the year with some hot takes. And we're back. I'm loving it. There's a light sprinkle. It's sexy. A drizzle has begun. It's a spa atmosphere.

Yes. It is. I can't wait to see the photos of that. You all look warm and I'm sexy. Thank you. You're very, very sexy. Thank you for joining us

in our onsen. And thank you all for joining us for our last live show of 2021. It's time for Hot Takes. Here's how it works. You have a minute

to defend a horrible take you have never seen before. This is a take you will embody and defend as if it is your own. You will take it on. Okay. And you get one pass. So you can say no to one. But just know that what comes in its stead may be worse.

Are you ready? So ready? Let's do it. What is our first take? I believe in Santa. Max? Softball. Yeah.

You believe in Santa. Tell us Softball. Yeah. You believe in Santa. Tell us about it. You have one minute. I absolutely 100% believe in Santa. I think for the most vivid portions of my life, where all my memories come from and where all my experiences were concentrated between one and I'd say 14, not afraid to admit it, I fully believed he was real. And that was the most joyful time in my life, the time I felt the most loved, the most protected. I feel like other things I would be like,

no, the Easter Bunny's not real, other things. But Santa was still the one. How are these presents getting here? Look, there wouldn't be thousands of years of stories if it wasn't based in some sort of fact. Do I know where he lives? Do I know whether he's married to Mrs. Claus? I don't know all these things. I don't know that elves are real. I'm not up here a lunatic.

But I do believe that there is someone with God-given gifts that not all of us have that is able to travel very quickly and is able to decide whether you're good or bad and then give you things that are kind of commensurate with how you've spent the year. I believe it's karmic.

We believe in karma, right? So why not believe in Santa? Yes. So good. Incredible. Incredible belief. Next up, why pay for a bikini wax when you can do it yourself for Ashley? Wow. Why pay for a bikini wax when you can, in fact, do it yourself?

All you need is an iPhone and a mirror, which most women these days have. You know, wax is a good skill to acquire. How to melt it, how to work with it, how to apply it to the body. Wonderful skill to have. If you don't want to go sugaring, that's all natural. You know, mix it up yourself. Get your own honey. Get down there and get to work.

You can make a DIY TikTok career out of it. You could become a YouTuber who is famous now for doing your own bikini waxes. That could be really cool. Why pay for it? You're paying some stranger to get intimate with your most personal, hairiest self? No, thank you. I would rather do it myself, get intimate with my own pain, my own butthole. And I think that is what we all should do as a country.

Thank you. I mean, if Joe Rogan could do it. Next up, Alice. Joe Rogan can do it. Next up. Alice, it's three Rudys. Marry Rudy from the movie Rudy. Fuck Rudy Giuliani. Kill Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. That's Alice's view.

She has one minute to defend it. Wow. All right, I appreciate this, you being here for this. There's someone in my life, right, that I have been meaning to make a commitment to, and it's a guy from the movie Rudy. And we share, you know, not a lot in common, but sometimes it's opposites attract to, you know,

because, like, one thing about him is I don't know who he is. And that's sort of the best thing, I think. And the thing is, we're open. You know, we have an open relationship. And when we go out, we give each other hall passes. And I said that he could have sex with, I should have done this, but Diane Wiest. And obviously that's, like, I was like,

you won't want to. And then he's like, yeah, I do. And I'm like, of course you do. What, she's Diane Wiest. She's like the hottest. And he's like, yeah, she's like our you won't want to. And then he's like, yeah, I do. And I'm like, of course you do. She's Diane Weiss. She's like the hottest. And he's like, yeah, she's like our Judi Dench. And so he has sex with her and I have to fuck Rudy Giuliani. And I do it because I love my original Rudy from the movie.

And, you know, this other guy's got to die is what it is. Look at him. He's one of those things where he's like, oh, don't kill me. And you're like, okay, can we just move on with the Christmas? That was amazing. I'll take the one that I was going to pass on for that, too. All right, what do we got next? Watching Alec Baldwin's Rust interview was a more enjoyable and worthwhile way to spend time than Oprah's Harry and Meghan interview.

Wow. Here's what I'll say. It's not hard to interview people who have a good story to tell and a case to make. Right? Meghan and Harry, clearly some shit went down. They had to get out of there. They're going to talk about it with Oprah.

Snooze alert. But you take a world renowned asshole, a world famous schmuck, who is best known for A, being a genuinely wonderful, talented actor,

and B, being a world historic prick, famous for picking fights with photographers on the street, calling his daughter a pig, and evincing with every fiber of his being, with every pore in his body, a kind of arrogance that would lead you to believe

he would run a movie set in such a way where he would pick up a gun and not be responsible with it. And I want to see where that story goes. Come on. Come on. Come on, yeah. Dug it out.

He dug it out. Oh, God, what's next? People sometimes think I'm gay, but thank God I'm not. Wow. Max, that's yours. Go to it. You have one minute. So, yeah, people sometimes think I'm not. Wow. Max, that's yours. Go to it. You have one minute. So, yeah, people sometimes think I'm gay, but thank God I'm not.

Because I'm marrying my fiancé in the spring, and I was raised Catholic. So I'm happy that people, I think it's so beautiful in our country, our world, the internet connecting everyone. I feel like it's kind of a global society. Tom Friedman in the cab. There's no borders. We're all kind of free to think whatever we want and to share it anonymously.

So I love it. I love what they think. I'm like, you're thinking about me. And there's nothing wrong with what you're thinking. But I do thank my God, who's very big, important to me, who's going to be the guy that says this marriage is real so you can make more of kids who are Christian. And so I'm just

so happy that I love my fiance. Nice. Incredible. Great job. Congratulations. Thanks. May 14th. It's a woman. I'm marrying a woman. Yeah, yeah. I guess I did. Max is marrying a woman.

And we all believe that and wish him the best there. What's up next? Tom Holland is dating down with Zendaya. He could do better. Ashley, over to you. That's what you think. Tell us about it. Why do you think Tom Holland is dating?

Pass. Wow, it's a pass. It's a pass. We have a pass. I can't. Men on dating apps are worthy of my time and attention. They are, without exception, funnier and smarter than me. Ashley, you passed.

It was your gambit. It was your gamble. Okay. You have one minute. Men on dating apps are so worthy of my time. They are so much funnier and smarter than me. They go fishing and show pictures

of the fish they caught. They have incredibly clever profiles with jokes like, oh, I don't date Slytherins. That's so smart. Gosh, the men on dating apps, he's so worthy of my time the the my sending an initial

message them saying hello back and never ever talking again that is worth my time as a date and on dating and so that is what makes them so smart uh because they don't waste my time uh and they you know and they're also great. I love the men on the dating apps who are, you know, they just love saying, you know... Nice. Give it up for Ashley. Incredible.

What do we got next? People should be naughty to keep the demand for coal high fossil fuels. Fossil fuels. Alice, that's your view. Let's hear about it. Here's the thing about climate change. I've been saying this for a long time.

I'm not a political accelerationist, but I'm a climate accelerationist. And here's what that means. I've had this theory out there for a while. Nobody's even thinking about it. We dig up Florida, and we dig it really deep like a trench and that way the ocean goes into it but nobody's on board and here's why

because we're not melting fast enough we gotta do it faster so this Christmas be naughty not nice get some coal in there put coal right in your engine that's what you should do actually that's my new take.

Scrap the old one. I think you should burn coal if you really want to stick it to the lips. And I know you do. Get the coal, burn it yourself in your house with the doors closed. Do that. Oh, I hope Maddow doesn't find out

what you're doing. Amazing. All right. That was incredible. What's next? Oh, God. I am funnier than all the guests I invite on this show. Why do they bother showing up?

This is a challenge I've had from the very beginning of this show, which is I pass. Next one. Next one. I can't do it. JK is right. The goblins are Jewish. Oh my God.

Asterisk. Producer Brian wrote this. Asterisk, asterisk. Producer Brian is Jewish. Jesus Christ, Brian. I think it's great that one of the most important formative reading experiences

for literally millions of children in this country and around the world is predicated on the idea that stereotypes are good and that all people should be sorted from basically the time of their birth into different categories and that all people should be sorted from basically the time of their birth into different categories that and that it is not really possible for you escape basic qualities you have when you're a literal child so i think it's good that basically

this is a book about a kid who's really good at sports who gets to be in charge even though his friend who's a girl is smarter and more talented and harder working than him but because he he's special, he gets to be in charge. Those are ineffable qualities and any hard work you put in, any time you put in, any effort to better yourself, any view of learning itself as an opportunity not to use your innate gifts, but actually to expand your mind and change the kind of malleable plastic quality of your own consciousness. That's stupid. That's silly. What you are when you're 10 is what you are when you're 30. And the sooner you accept that, the better. And I think it's good that the

bankers are little tiny Jews who want to get their hands on all the fucking gold. Everybody went twice, right? Yeah. And that's how it takes. Wait, can I take a take that somebody passed on from a different show? Yeah. Let's do it. Wow. Alice for the steal. It's

physically hard for me to listen to takes when other comedians drop them because I'm listening, so I almost don't listen to this part. But Kierendale left the Louis C.K. deserves the Emmy. And I was like, I got this one. Please let me do this one. Alright, Alice.

Louis C.K. Deserves an Emmy. You have one minute. I'm on a very fine show that I adore called Resident Alien. The second season comes out January 26th. It's on Syfy and Peacock. I know all you guys watch it. You should catch up on the first season and watch the premiere in December 26th. And we are not up

for an Emmy. And we are not up for an Emmy. And we won't be up for an Emmy because we're on a little network called Sci-Fi. And here's the thing. I'm not a political accelerationist or a coal accelerationist, but I am an awards accelerationist. And I think the awards, being what they are, only give – they get kind of lazy. You know, they're giving out awards just like whatever as long as it's on the thing that's on the top platform or whatever. So we got to give

CK the Emmy so that when I don't get nominated anymore, everybody's just like, well, because it's lame. Yeah. Because the awards are lame and then when your favorites don't get nominated, you're like, I don't want an Emmy anymore

because CK got one. I believe this for one. Yeah. I believe this for me. Yeah. And so does Max. He told me backstage. 100%. Max was saying, Max actually was going around saying, you're voting for Louis CK for the Emmy, right?

Yeah, he was like, for your consideration. I wrote him in. I'm writing it in. He edits the show himself. It's so hard. You're so tired from shooting all day, and then you go home, and you're like, that part.

What are you doing? We're off the rails. When we come back, we'll end on a high note. Guys, give it up for Max Silvestri, Ashley Ray, Alice Wetterlin. We'll be right back. And we're back. Now it's time to end on a high note.

Hey, love it. My name is Caroline and my high note this week is my sister is celebrating her two-year anniversary of getting sober. She took this step for herself two years ago this Thursday. And it's just been so great over these past two years to watch her grow as a person. I'm just so, so, so, so proud of her. She also gets to meet her first nephew this weekend after he was discharged from the NICU this week. So it's just a great week for our family all around. Thanks for all you do. Bye.

Where is Dan T.? Dan, what is your high note? My high note is that this, just next week, I'll be finishing my final course to graduate with a bachelor's in political science and a minor in sustainability. I went back to college after like a 15-year absence after the election in 2016 because I was like, this shit sucks, and I want to try to do something. So here I am, and we'll go on from here. That's great. Congratulations, Dan. That's awesome. Hi, I love it. This is Maddie from Chicago. And my high note was after two years

of taking the LSAT and preparing, I got into law school this week. And I just want to say thank you because you and everyone who produces and writes for your show was a really big part of this journey for me. I would reward myself after studying for a couple hours with you love it or leave it. So yeah, I want to say thank you. I'm intending to go into law to practice public defense and try and make a bit of a difference in this messed up criminal justice system. So yeah, I want to say thank you for everything that you've done in the last couple years, especially recently to keep us sane. Thank you. Bye. Hi, what's your name? Anamika. And what is your high note? I just finished my first semester of medical school today. Yeah.

And my plan is to become a plastic surgeon in Beverly Hills. Congratulations. That's awesome. Hi, Lovett. This is Nancy. After being in the U.S. since I was four years old, I had my interview for my permanent residency this week. It got approved a day later, and my husband and I were super excited.

I actually didn't know if this day would ever come since, you know, U.S. immigration laws currently don't have a pass to residency or citizenship for DACA recipients. to rest in sincere citizenship for DACA recipients. We're actually extremely lucky that the process took under a year to complete since that's not the case for most immigrants. If all goes right, I will be a citizen by the time the 2028 election comes around. Thank you for all you do. Do stay through one. Bye.

Thank you to everybody who submitted a high note tonight. And if you want to leave us a message about something that gave you hope you can call us at 213-262-4427 to wrap up the show we've been talking about this on this show we've also just been talking about it amongst ourselves 2021 was like a hard year to describe

2020 was terrible and not that complicated it sucked on every metric if 2020 was a house fire 2021 was like the house fire got extinguished but all the pipes exploded simultaneously you know what i mean so like okay the fire is out but now everything's fucked because it's all flooded from the water we used to put out the fire you know what i mean 2020 was like having a peanut allergy at a peanut factory. 2021 is like having a very bad peanut allergy on a plane, and they announce that someone on the plane has a very, very bad peanut allergy,

but then everybody is like pretty fucking too pissed about it and keeps threatening to eat peanuts anyway, and you're not really sure if the center's going to hold and if you're going to make it all the way there with that peanut dust getting in your lungs, not because it wasn't completely avoidable, but because the people around you can't be trusted and i wanted to share what for me what i am taking away from 2021 which is this you know like there are paths through like a campus or a park and they're designed like from on high from experts and then over time those paths are never in the right place

because people take a hypotenuse. You know what I mean? They like find a hypotenuse. And that's better, right? It's better that we're not living by the paths by some other people, but making kind of, kind of adjusting as we go

and figuring out a better version of the path. But still based on the original paths that laid down by some architect who made mistakes and didn't understand how we use the space. And then every once in a while, like snows. And there's tons and tons of snow on the original paths I'd laid down by some architect who made mistakes and didn't understand how we use the space. And then every once in a while, like snows, and there's tons and tons of snow on the ground. And then for a brief moment, you're not only not able to use the paths they laid down for you, but also you don't even have to make new paths based on the old paths. There's this moment where you get this opportunity, this like once in a while, this opportunity

to figure out what the path would be if nobody had told you what the path would be when you started. I feel like the last couple of years can be that. Because the combination of Trump forcing us to confront a lot of what we were unwilling to see in our politics, and this pandemic forcing us to take a moment to step back from society and see what we care about, what actually matters to us when we're not so confronted all the time by other people's expectations and other people's asks of us and other people altogether and the ways we miss them and the ways we don't and the friendships we like and the friendships we don't and the relationships that are important to us and the ones that aren't. And so for me, I am trying to take from 2021 that it was a year where I got this opportunity to try to start making some paths that I wasn't going to make because I was following along

the paths that were already there. And that's what I'm taking away from this year. I just wanted to say that to all of you. wanted to say that to all of you. And that's our show. Thank you to Max Silvestri, Alice Wetterlin, Ashley Ray, and everybody who wrote us a high note. And special thanks to Patrick Sheese for making this week's song. There are 325 days until the 2022 midterm election. Have a great weekend, and I will see you all next year. Thank you.