Lovett or Leave It - She NyQuil Be Loved

Episode Date: September 24, 2022

Lovett or Leave It finds a way to have yet another excellent show at Los Angeles’ gorgeous Dynasty Typewriter theater. Dare We Say’s Alycia Pascual-Peña and Yasmine Hamady yums our yucks in the Ickuation Room. Mitra Jouhari and Brian Bahe find themselves caught between the Rock Hall and a hot place while staring down the midterms. Jeff Goldblum (Gianmarco Soresi) is dispatched by the FDA to stop Lovett from eating TikTok’s latest creation, and we end the show with takes so hot, they’ll cook your NyQuil Chicken in seconds. For a closed-captioned version of this episode, click here. For a transcript of this episode, please email [e-mail] and include the name of the podcast.

The first vote-by-mail ballots are hitting people's mailboxes in the earliest in-person voting starts this week. Do you know how you're voting? If your answer is, It's September. I haven't thought about it. I don't have a Halloween costume yet. It's time to get your shit together. At least on the voting thing. Vote suppression efforts have ramped up following the 2020 election, making it even more critical to ensure that every American has access to the ballot box at Vote Save America.

You can find the most up-to-date information on what you need to make sure your vote is counted in all 50 states and D.C. Use our ballot ready tool to request your ballot, find out how you can return it, or get a reminder for when in-person early voting locations become available in your state to win in November. It's going to take every single one of us making our plan to vote, getting involved, and reminding everyone we know to do the same. Once you've made your plan to vote, getting involved, and reminding everyone we know to do the same. Once you've made your plan to vote, visit votesaveamerica.com slash everylastvote to find out what you can do next, including donating to the Every Last Vote Fund to directly support the work of community organizations, organizers, and volunteers in states that are actively working to battle

disenfranchisement in communities of color, including Arizona, Wisconsin, Michigan, and more. So sign up at votesaveamerica.com slash everylastvote. Either we all vote with our fingers, you know, or Republicans are going to vote to take away all your rights. I'm going to really close it.

It was a rough landing, but we're getting off. You know, we're safe. Good evening, Los Angeles. Welcome to Club Random. I'm your host, Bill Maher. Wait a second. I slipped into the darkest timeline. I'm back. It's actually Love It or Leave It, live or else, and we have got a great show for you tonight. I think our listeners in the UK are going to find very few things to email us about this week.

Alicia Pascual-Pena and Yasmin Hamidi of Crooked Zone, dare we say, are here to get to the bottom of the ictuation. Mitra Juhari and Brian Baugh are here to see which of their home states is more teeming with evil goons running for office. Jeff Goldblum is not here, but if he were, it would be at the behest of the FDA. That is going to be one of the strangest things we've ever done.

I just can't... We'll celebrate Bisexual Awareness Week because the bisexuals that work on this show will not stop making me aware of them and some hot takes to warm us up as the weather cools down. But first, let's get into it. What a week. At a recent rally, Donald Trump humiliated J.D. Vance, the Ohio Senate candidate.

He was supposedly there to endorse, joking with the crowd, J.D. is kissing my ass, he wants my support so bad. Continued Trump, who is this guy? One of my sons? This led producer Malcolm to remix the quote into this. J.D. wants my ass. J.D. wants my ass. J.D. J.D. J.D. J.D. J.D. J.D. J.D. J.D. One more time. That's it. That's the whole thing. Feel that applause, Malcolm? That's it.

That's the whole thing. Feel that applause, Malcolm? That's all for you. So good. So good. So good. According to Maggie Haberman's new book, in late 2020,

Trump asked everyone around him, including his Diet Coke valet, whether he should leave office peacefully. Imagine. You're just days out of the Diet Coke valet academy. This is your first big gig and these are the questions being posed to you. Said the valet, let's fill the Capitol with Mentos. Show them who they're messing with.

In news that put a Mento in my Diet Coke, New York, if you catch my meaning, New York Attorney General Tish James sued Donald Trump and three of his children for $250 million this week, alleging that Trump and his family businesses fraudulently overvalued his assets over a decade. Overvaluing his assets? Who is he, me at the Emmys after party? They did not invite me to the Emmys after party. Tish from Brooklyn said this during the press conference.

Part of his efforts to generate profits for himself, his family, and his company. The complaint demonstrates that Donald Trump falsely inflated his net worth by billions of dollars to unjustly enrich himself and to cheat the system, thereby cheating all of us. It's genuinely shocking to hear someone call a liar on their BS, like if someone actually ever agreed to play tennis with me, you know, like I'd be terrified. And I have to go and get one of those, um, mesh shovels. Who called out rackets? There's an art to this, you fuck. No, it looks like I'm just saying things.

The joke would have otherwise murdered. And I want the record to reflect that. Put that in the show notes. We've had an incident. We've had a timing incident. On an otherwise perfect night. Stop laughing, everybody. Former Attorney General Bill Barr stop laughing everybody former attorney general bill barr said on fox news that the suit constitutes prosecutorial overreach i'm not even sure she has a good case against trump himself but what

ultimately persuades me that this is a political hit job is uh she grossly overreaches when she tries to drag the children into this. Won't somebody think of these children? These innocent, sweet little children in their mid-40s. It's busy, busy people. There's a lot of cocaine to get to. How are you supposed to read all this paperwork? Following the announcement, Trump stopped by Hannity to rant, rave, and lie about both the lawsuit and the investigation of the seized Mar-a-Lago documents, at one point telling Hannity, if you're the President of the United States, you can declassify just by thinking about it. If you're the President of the United States, you can declassify just by saying it's declassified, even by thinking about it. You know, look, it's getting a lot of guff for this. It's just following the secret. When Oprah does it, it's a trend. Trump does look, it's getting a lot of guff for this. It's just following the secret. When Oprah does it,

it's a trend. Trump does it, he's a joke. I'm not a lawyer, but I'm pretty sure there's a big legal difference between secretly thinking something and actually saying or doing it.

For example, if I actually said all the thoughts I had about Trump, the FBI would be searching my house. When asked about the actual process of declassification, Trump toldannity the

following because you're sending it to mar-a-lago or to wherever you're sending it and there doesn't have to be a process there can be a process but there doesn't have to be you're the president you make that decision so when you send it it's declassified i declassified everything it's hard to watch a trump clip after a few weeks or months without hearing from him. It's like when you come back into your house after a long vacation, you're like, is that what I smell like? Speaking of the Mar-a-Lago raid this week, the 11th Circuit Court of Appeals overturned an order from Judge Eileen Cannon, the judge overseeing the designation of Trump's special master. The only way I can say it.

I have to say it that way, it's such a stupid word, and gave the Department of Justice the go-ahead to review the 100 classified documents found in Mar-a-Lago ahead of the special master's review. It's important to savor how bad a week Trump is having before the Supreme Court rules that he can telepathically reinstate himself as president. The three-judge panel pointedly rebuked not only Trump's claims of declassification, but accused Cannon of abusing her discretion for taking Trump's lawyer at any of their words. While it's sort of a fuck you to Judge Cannon, the ruling definitely was a we don't fucking care if Trump declassified these documents in his fucking mind. Said the court, plaintiffs suggest that he may have declassified these documents when he was president, but the record contains no evidence that any of these records were declassifying.

Adding, and before the special master, plaintiff resisted providing any evidence that he declassified any of these records were declassifying, adding, and before the special master, plaintiff resisted providing any evidence that he declassified any of these documents. Boy, it's hard to believe there was even a time before the special master, right? That's what makes it so special. The journey. Said the panel, for our part, we cannot discern why plaintiff

would have an individual interest or need for any of the 100 documents with classification markings. Isn't it obvious? Trump has always been an archivist at heart. Like Hitler and modernist portraiture, Trump was always filled with regret, being unable to hack it in the library sciences. And to be clear,

I am not comparing Trump to Hitler. That would be wrong. Hitler actually wrote his book. I'm not saying we're going to cut it, but let's talk about it in the morning. Continue the judges. In any event, at least for these purposes, the declassification argument is a red herring because declassifying an official document would not change its content or render it personal. So even if we assume the plaintiff did declassify some or all the documents, that would not explain why he has a personal interest in them. So, you know, look, it is so horrible when one of these Trump apparatchiks decides they're going to change the

law for Trump because they got this judgeship five seconds before he was kicked out of office. But it's so satisfying when real judges come back. Even some of them were appointed by Trump, but they're like, hey, we're real judges. Yeah, so the 11th Circuit is saying the classification doesn't matter. It's about whether or not these documents belong to him or not.

It's like the time I stumbled on Tommy's collection of senators' foot picks. It doesn't matter that they're in the public domain. Why do you have them? Meanwhile, the January 6th committee returns to your television with a hearing next Wednesday, January 28th. If Liz Cheney and Bendy Thompson don't fuck this season, I am out. I'm sick of this will they or won't they.

Georgia Senate candidate and helmet PSA, Herschel Walker, set expectations low for his debate against Senator Raphael Warnock next month, saying at a campaign stop, I'm not that smart. Walker went on to say, but I do have a secret weapon. He then winked, smirked, and revealed

a loaded pistol tucked into his waistband. I knew that wouldn't work, but it was for us. One for me, one for them. President Biden said on 60 Minutes that we will still have a problem with COVID. We're still doing a lot of work on it, but the pandemic is over,

something he could only say because Fauci is quiet quitting. I'm going to do two jokes, and you're going to understand why I'm putting them together, and you're going to understand why I'm flagging them now. I understand. I know. It's not because they're risque. it's because they are phenomenally stupid meanwhile california governor gavin newsom signed a bill into law that will legalize human composting in the state starting in 2027 which has given me mulch to consider

an indiana man was arrested after the washington monument was vandalized with red paint on Tuesday. They should rename that thing the Washing Off a Ton of Red Paint Monument. Thank you. Thank you. A judge in Baltimore overturned the murder conviction of Adnan Syed, whose case was profiled in the first season of the hit podcast Serial, which ushered in the current wave of true crime podcasts. Somewhere watching over a city balanced on razor's edge

between justice and corruption, the MailChimp keeps vigil. The MailChimp is not a hero. It's a dark knight. The National Transportation Board has announced new recommendations that all new vehicles be created with built-in blood alcohol monitoring systems,

but don't worry, they just want to know what kind of tunes you're going to want on your way home. Two beers? It's a blues traveler night. After the launch of his new private Christian school, Kanye admitted that he has never read a book, likening it to eating Brussels sprouts. They both taste terrible, he wrote, inexplicably

in a poem about Pete Davidson. After Instagram model Sumner Stowe posted screenshots of their conversations to TikTok, including his asking permission to name his unborn child after her, Maroon 5 frontman Adam Levine denied having an affair, but admitted, I crossed the line during a regrettable period in my life. Continued Levine, I took it to a Maroon 6, maybe even a Maroon 7. But never a maroon 6, maybe even a maroon 7, but never a maroon 10.

Some viewers have voiced criticism of Netflix's fictionalized Marilyn Monroe biopic, Blonde, in particular the parts that feature a CGI talking fetus. It's in poor taste, but also why do all these voiceover roles keep going to Chris Pratt? It's a me,

the fetus. No, that doesn't make sense. That doesn't make sense. It wouldn't be, it wouldn't be Mario voice, the fetus. It just, he does other voices.

Jennifer Coolidge said that an allergic reaction to a spray tan landed her in the emergency room ahead of filming for The White Lotus. Her symptoms, shortness of breath,

and wanting a hot dog real bad. I can't do it. I told you I couldn't do it. Wanting a hot dog real i can't do it you i told you i couldn't do it wanting a hot dog real bad see i don't have it and you're making me do this you want me to tell them why this is in the cards i can't tell them why so it's funny when you put things in the cards to make me look bad but i can't tell them why it's here not nothing to do with people that could do this voice you know what i can't do oh Oh, Jennifer Kool, you're president.

It's time I face it. Can you just, let's bring out Yasmeen from Dare We Say. Can you just say, do you want a hot dog real bad? Yeah. I want a hot dog real bad. Thank you, Yasmeen.

Look at her dad. That was so cute. My dad's about to combust. That made my entire night. I want a hot dog. Will you pay it? It's like you have to kind of make the face. You have to kind of make your eyeballs closer together. Somehow that affects it.

You bring your eyes closer together like you're trying to read something very close to your face. And you've got to make your lips wider. It's a little bit Owen Wilson. I want a hot dog. Will you pay it? But it ends up going into a kind of,

I want a hot dog, real bad, yes. And then all of a sudden I'm in Casablanca and I'm doing that voice, you know, that one. Do Jackie O. Do Jackie O. Jack loves to sit in this chair. For some inexplicable reason, I'm associated with the golden age of television.

Even though if you actually go back and watch the videotape of this famous interview about opening up the White House, I look terrified the whole time. Just a petrified young woman. Stop it. McDonald's announced it will begin reopening restaurants in Kiev and western Ukraine this week, a process

that will take place in stages over two months. That's how long it takes for the McGriddle reactor to reach critical mass. German customs officials said they found a cache of almost 100 giant African land snails hidden inside a suitcase at Dusseldorf Airport following a trail of slime. Imagine their surprise when at the end of the trail were suitcases of snails and not America's mayor, Rudy Giuliani.

Said airport officials, don't do the slime if you can't do the time. For the first time, a medical panel has recommended that doctors screen everyone under 65 for anxiety. This is true. The panel didn't recommend anxiety screening for people over than 65 because the symptoms too closely resemble the effects of aging. closely resemble the effects of aging. Sure, you have a constant nagging fear that death is just around the corner, a sense of dread that permeates the very marrow of your bones, but the question we need to ask is,

isn't that reasonable? Salt Lake City residents reported hearing music coming from their toilets and sewers. The water department later confirmed the noise was an environmentally friendly technology that allows workers to gauge whether a pipe is blocked via song versus waiting for the screaming to start later said the water department if you happen to see ezra miller prancing through the sewers playing

a stolen pan flute that is unrelated call 9-1-1 immediately don't let perfect skin and symmetrical face confuse you we We'll eat you in a ritual. The FDA has warned the public not to cook chicken in NyQuil in response to a TikTok challenge that dares people to cook chicken in NyQuil, which is disgusting.

NyQuil pairs better with shrimp. With chicken, you want something creamier, a chicken a la Pepto. You know, something, a nice, rich sauce. NyQuil chicken. Personally, I liked Alison Roman better before she broke bad. And finally, rapper Post Malone bruised his ribs

after falling through a trap door in the stage while performing in St. Louis, according to his manager. We came very close to living in a Post Malone world. That's right. He almost became ghost Malone. When we... God, I thought

that'd be better to end on. It didn't work. It doesn't matter. We gotta keep going. When we come back, we enter the Ictuation Room. And we're back. I know the week is almost over, but it has come to my attention that a handful of you may not know that it is Bisexual Awareness Week,

which cannot stand. You must be aware at all times that bisexual people could be among you, which is why we commissioned a patented bisexual awareness system, which we will play every time I will summon you to be aware. That's it.

That's the alert. Bisexual awareness alert. Megan Mullally told the advocate in 1999, I consider myself bisexual and my philosophy is everyone innately is. Were you aware of it? You now are. And I'll tell you one more thing. I know what my sexual orientation is.

I'm pan-Malali sexual. I'm only attracted to people who steal every goddamn scene they're in. Thus concludes this test of the bisexual awareness system. Thank you. All right. As modern society's supreme arbiter of taste,

I can admit it, even I sometimes rush to judgment. The title of Ryan Murphy's new Netflix show is Dahmer, Monster, The Jeffrey Dahmer Story. I don't know about that title. I'm still gonna watch it. Billy Eichner got a pack of lesbians and Paul Rudd to run through New York and invite people to bros. I love that.

Favorite film of the year. But sometimes you really need to struggle with something before you make a split-second judgment. Here to grapple with the ethical nuances of feeling strongly about everything, that favorite film of the year. But sometimes you really need to struggle with something before you make a split-second judgment. Here to grapple with the ethical nuances of feeling strongly about everything, it's two of the hosts of Crooked's own Dare We Say podcast, Alicia Pascual-Pena and Yasmeen Hamidi. Hi, everyone.

Hi, Alicia. Hi. Hello. All right. What is an ick, and what provokes that response in you? An ick is a feeling. It's like nausea. An ick is what provokes that response in you an ick is a feeling it's like nausea and it is like unacceptable for us like we can't do it we won't do it and we're gonna argue about it and then our

producers are subjected to having to fight to the death for it is it ever appropriate to yuck someone's yum if they're eating something disgusting and you can't comment on it absolutely even though my mama raised me um to not do that like unless it's like culturally insensitive like don't be a bad person you feel me but unless you're like just doing something that they prefer

like I don't know ketchup on like a ham and cheese because I saw it the other day judge them who said so good I'm so sorry they're from Toronto don't worry

oh that explains come out with your universal health care they eat like animals up there it's just beaver and poutine please I don't even know what that is and I don't want to.

It's cheese fries with gravy. It's filthy. Ew. That sounds delicious. We here at Love It or Leave It are nothing if not creative, which is why we're going to play one of, dare we say, his very own games. It's time for the Ictuation Room. You already know this, but you'll each be assigned an angle

and have a minute to convince all of us that a certain topic is ick or yum. We are going to give you the topics, and you're going to decide which one of you is going to take the ick side and which will take the yum side. Are you ready to be disgusted or fall in love all over again? You'll have one minute. All right. First topic, making actual life decisions based on the Zodiac. Who's taking the ick? Who's taking the yum? I think it's kind of obvious. I'm taking the ick. Yeah, good. I don't even know my big three. Oh, John. You have a minute. He's smart. So who's going first?

Let's do Yum first. Oh, okay. I thought you were going to say ick. Okay, so the planets are there for a reason, and we are 70% water. As humans, we are 70% water. So when the planets and stars are moving around, that means we feel something inside of us. I am a Leo. It means a lot to me and my identity

so when i go about doing things like i get away with shit and i'll just say i'm a leo i cheat on a test i'm a leo automatically i'm okay with it i cheat on my boyfriend i'm a leo it's like i get away with it alicia's a pisces she's too sensitive there's an excuse because she's a pisces zodiac signs right listen i just feel like. There's an excuse because she's a Pisces. Zodiac signs, right? Listen, I just feel like it gives us an excuse to fuck around and be excited about something. How boring is it to not believe in astrology?

That's really boring. Did I say she was boring? Sorry. And I just feel like as a Leo, we get it. Sorry, there's five seconds still. We like to make things about us and that's okay. Thank you for seeing me.

Wow. I want to say something before we go to a very important ick, a necessary ick, especially at a time when so many people doubt science, don't trust science. That was as good of a defense of horoscope nonsense I've ever heard in my whole life. And I'm like a Trump judge. I came in with a fucking point of view.

Listen, I'm giving Camille Vasquez. I came to the court and I was given. Do not disrespect that beautiful Latina woman. You are not giving Camille Vasquez.

Oh. Okay. All right, Alicia, you have one minute. Okay. If you lack substance, just say that. Like, you should have

more of a personality. Gracias. I love that that's the first one. Like, have more intellect. Have more to your personality. Like, you are a multifaceted person. You think I'm going to sit here under the estrellas being like, oh, my God. I'm supposed to be sensitive because I'm Pisces.

I'm literally an Afro-Latina from the Bronx. Nothing is sensitive about me. Just because some planet and some star was there Like I came out in 40 minutes And I'm a Pisces because I wanted to be here Obviously Not because I'm sensitive and emotional And I don't know my big three because I don't care

I'm great And I'm sorry that I don't need to be a Leo to be great I'm just great because I am amazing I don't need a sign to tell me that And oh you think I'm going to stay here and be like, oh, I don't like this person. Porque, I don't know. What are they? Oh, because they're a Scorpio.

Or because they're a Sag. I don't care. Are you a good person? Then you're a good person. And if not, keep hiding around those damn planets. Yeah, the stars are beautiful and God made them, but get over yourself. Okay. Okay.

Okay. Okay. Thank you. Thank you. I'll be here for the next 10 minutes. No, we still have more, Alicia. We still have more, babe. That's what I said, ten minutes.

And as long as he gives us a show. Thanks. My jaw is on the floor. I am blown away by the level of argument that I am seeing on this stage. It's just the beginning. We've had presidential candidates. We've never had a debate like this before. It's the spiciest one yet.

Am I supposed to rule? Yeah, you are the judge. You're honored. You're honored. That's usually what Josie Tota does. Yeah, you take the role of Josie. I'm in the Josie Tota role, and I will just say that in England, one of the leading causes of death for a long period of time was planet,

but then we discovered bacteria. I'm going to give it to Alicia. In England, one of the leading causes of death for a long period of time was planet. But then we discovered, like, bacteria. I'm going to give it to Alicia. Yay! Yeah. This round. Yay. I'll stay seated for the rest of the moment. Let's relax.

And if someone asks you what your sign is, one thing I recommend doing is you say, oh, what's your sign? And they say, oh, I'm a Capricorn. And then you say, oh, I'm an adult. And then you walk away. See, that's how I feel. Yeah. Also, people are so fake. They're like, oh, I'm a Capricorn and then you say, oh, I'm an adult and then you walk away. See, that's how I feel. Also, people are so fake. They're like, oh, what are you? Oh, I knew that. No, you didn't. You don't know me.

No, we did. Trust me. Next one. Next up, visible squatty potties on display for anyone who visits your house to see where you hunch. Who wants the ick? Who wants the yum?

Are we being dead ass? By all means. The floor is yours, babe. I'm obviously the ick. Go on. So let's start with you this time. Once again, I have self-respect. I have couth. I have decorum.

Okay? I'm from the hood. But I do not want people literally from the South Bronx. Okay, honey? So I've gone many places. But not in my own home am I going to have a little thing in mi casa that people can see that I do this. You know what I mean? Like, they sponsor the show, so shout out to Squatty Potty.

Yeah, you're about to make us lose some sponsors right now. Stop, because I don't play about my bag, obviously. But I don't want to just out in the open put that away, have some class. Why do I want to see the thing that, mira, like not cute you're uncomfortable i'm uncomfortable us or someone you don't know walking into your bathroom for the first time they're like what's that and it's like oh well like i have constipation problems and that helps me poop like are we serious are we dead ass no and yeah they come in cute designs like keep sponsoring a squatty potty you're great and you do help me because i do have issues with my bamboo. Anyways.

I'm not having it out in the open. Put that under your cupboard or whatever it's called in English. Okay? The lacosa, like the thing under the sink or whatever. Put that away. Stop. Wow. Yasmín, you have one minute for a counterpoint.

I will fight to the death. Oh, my God. They're obsessing. I will fight to the death. Oh my god. I will fight to the death for squatty potty. You don't understand the feeling you get when you put your legs up and you take the nicest shit of

your life. Alicia, believe it or not, you shit. You shit. And all of you shit because we're human. I don't want to talk about it. And that feels really good in the morning. And squatty potty helps me do that. And also, if someone's coming into my bathroom and they see my squatty potty, it comes in cedar.

It does. I will automatically know like, oh, yeah, I have good bowel movements because I take care of my gut health because probiotics are really good because I take care of my body and I have healthy bowel movements and squatty potty is the number one reason why that happens and Athletic Greens another sponsor of ours and so you know what Alicia you can say what you

want about oh have some class have some decorum having class means we are human and we all shit say it with me I shit I shit I shit thank you Alicia thank you Say it with me. I shit. I shit. Say it with me. I shit. I shit. We don't even talk about it. Thank you.

Alicia, thank you. Wow. Once again, incredible points. But this one, I'm going to have to give to Yasmeen. It was an incredibly well-made argument. It's a simple idea. Easy to know, hard to feel. We all poop.

But keep sponsoring us. We love you, Squatty Potty. And, uh, everyone should feel comfortable saying we were supposed to poop in the woods.

Now we poop in bowls. The bowls are too high. The bowls are too high compared to how we would have pooped in the woods. Ipso facto, Squatty Potty. Yasmin gets the point.

Thank you. Thank you guys. Let's do one more. I'm excited to see where this goes. Diet Coke. Who's the ick? Who's the yum? I'm the ick.

Alicia, take us away. Okay. There might not be science behind this, but my mommy said it, so it's a fact. Okay. And when I was a kid, she said,

if you're going to have a Coca-Cola, just have a regular Coca-Cola, because Diet Coke means die And that it will give you cancer And if Camelia Altegracia Peña Rivera said it Then it's a fact So I have never drank a Diet Coke ever again Because she scared me

And it worked So now if I'm going to drink a Coca-Cola Just do it with your chest As people would say from where I'm from Just drink a whole Coca if I'm going to drink a Coca-Cola, just do it with your chest, as people would say from where I'm from. Just drink a whole Coca-Cola. Or drink like a Latino Coca-Cola. Like with the real cane sugar. Like the diet coke is so annoying. You think that you're being healthier.

Get over yourself. You're not. Just drink the regular one. And it's annoying. And I don't like the silver can. It's not aesthetically pleasing. And I said what I have to say. And if you say that I'm wrong, then you're calling my mom a liar. So habla con ella over that. pleasing and I said what I have to say. And if you say that I'm wrong, then you're calling my mom a liar. So, habla con ella over that.

And just drink a Coca-Cola. Thank you. Love you whoever said that. That's my mom who supported you. Literally, I love you. I love you so much. That was my mother. Yes, it's cancer. I literally agree with me, so I should win. Wow. Is that actually your mom? That's actually my treason. And I want you to know something. She's so beautiful.

The fact that in a debate between your daughter and a friend, you immediately sided against your daughter before your daughter, even at a chance to speak, has explained to me a lot of why I get a certain vibe from Yasmeen. I really does. I've really learned a lot. I've learned a lot in these moments. But that's not what this is about.

This is about Diet Coke. Yasmine, you have one minute. Why is it good? Because your mother drinks Diet Coke. Oh, that's a good point. And why'd you side with Alicia? So here's the thing. Because right is right.

So here's the thing. Thank you. Here's the thing. Your mother and I have actually talked about this, Alicia. Camilia and I actually talked about how good Diet Coke is. Why are you talking about my mother? I'm talking. Thank you. And so listen to this talked about how good Diet Coke is. I'm talking. Thank you.

And so, listen to this. Kate Moss is the creative director. I feel like I only drink Diet Coke for the aesthetics. I'm not even doing it for the calories bullshit. It's like, I don't know why the silver and red... This argument is so shit. I have nothing. Now, sometimes there's something you

believe, and it is attacked mercilessly. And then you look to someone to defend it and they fail. They offer nothing. They go into a full and complete retreat. Wow. I love Diet Coke. With every fiber of my being, I have a four espresso drink in the morning and then it's Diet Cokes from 11 till bed. I haven't had a good night's sleep since George W. Bush was president.

And at night, the walls do move. But I love it. And at times, I do remember that the person in charge of proving, speaking of George W. Bush, that aspartame was safe as an additive was Donald Rumsfeld. That's actually a fact. A person most famous for believing what he wanted to believe to help him get the outcome that he wanted. So I am going to give this one to Alicia.

But I'm going to give an extra bonus point for that incredible Jennifer Koolidge impression to Yasmeen. We have a tie. Thank you so much to both of you. Wait, Coolidge impression. Yeah, you deserve it. To Yasmeen. We have a tie. Thank you so much to both of you. Wait, I won. You won. Yeah, sure.

You both won. You both won. I just want to thank Dominican Republic and my parents. That was incredible. To find more. Everybody, subscribe to Dare We Say. Fantastic show. Listen to our show.

And review it and give it a bunch of stars on iTunes, you know? We love you. Thanks. Love you, too. We love you. Thank you, guys. Much love. It Love you, too. Thank you, guys. Much love. Just me and Alicia.

Thank you so much. When we come back, there are monsters on the ballot. Hey, don't go anywhere. There's more of Love It or Leave It coming up. And we're back. Everyone remain calm. It is time for a bisexual awareness alert. Remain calm and become aware of this bisexual, Cardi B.

After a Twitter user made a graphic of bisexual people of only publicly dated partners of the opposite sex, Cardi B tweeted, I ate bitches out before you were born. Sorry I don't have Razor phone pics to prove it to you. What an incredible joke. We are all glad that no one has razor phone pictures of anything because no one wants to see you in 2003 pageboy hats

pretending Sean Penn was good in Mystic River. Yeah, that's right. It's time we talk about Sean Penn's performance in 2003 drama Mystic River. Yeah, that's right. It's time we talk about Sean Penn's performance in 2003 drama Mystic River. It's a little bit hammy. I thought it at the time, and I'm finally ready to raise it. Cut this.

He'll punch. Nah, leave it in. I think I want to get punched. And that concludes this test of the bisexual awareness system. Thank you. As the midterms near human candidates find themselves neck and neck with some of the worst MAGA goons, loons, and cartoons Trump's maladaptive daydream of an existence has to offer, some of the most hellacious potential public servants are running in the great states

of Ohio and Arizona. And wouldn't you know it, we've got a guest from each of these godforsaken places here with us tonight. Welcome to the stage, straight out of Westchester, Ohio, it's the hilarious Mitra Juhari, and from Phoenix, Arizona, courtesy of the Copper State, as apparently Arizona is called, which is news to me, Brian Vahey. Brian Vahey and Mitra come out. Hi, Mitra. It's good to see you.

Yeah, thanks. Are you both paying attention to the midterms? No. You're going to vote, though. In Ohio's? No, no, in anywhere. In America. Yes.

Yes. Yeah. Test one passed. Brian, where's your family at with the voting machines in Arizona? Are they ready to crack them open like oysters and feast on the delicious Trump ballots inside. Yeah, my parents infamously love democracy. Infamous? Mitra.

What? What do you think about J.D. Vance? Do you like him? No. I don't either. Hillbilly Elegy, I do read it every year on Christmas with my family. either. Hila Billy Elegy, I do read it every year on Christmas with my family.

I don't know what happened in that film because there are certain things where like your finger tries to press play on the streaming service, then it melts like you threw an ice pop into a volcano. You know, just sort of like you can't get it to hit play. I don't have that problem. I'm watching 12 seasons

of Sunset every day. There's no self-control here. I just couldn't get past the wardrobe decisions around Glenn Close's character and all the photos that advertised hillbilly algae. I just couldn't do it. Let's see how fucked up we can make this chick look. My parents love Glenn Close.

Huge Glenn Close heads in Arizona. Are they? Yeah. Okay. Fatal Attraction? Yeah. Major.

Formative. 101 Dalmatians? She played Cruella de Vil, famously. This is not my observation, but I always thought it was funny

that there was a moment in time when Michael Douglas was in movie after movie where the fundamental story of each of the film was Michael Douglas is so hot women will destroy their lives and everyone around them to fuck him. Like over and over again there was fatal attraction

there was disclosure, there was sliver. These are movies where Michael Douglas women are murdering to fuck him. I think it's right. I feel like you could sell that two days still. I think any one of us would do it. Which person on this stage would you kill to fuck Michael Douglas? Myself.

I choose myself. That's about feminism in 2022. Choose yourself to die so you can fuck Michael Douglas. Feminism is all about choosing yourself to die. That's what it's about. That's the fifth wave. That's the new wave. Yes, the last wave.

Because we'll all be dead. Look, it's time to talk about what's cooking in the heartland and the hotland, which is what I call Arizona. I've always called it that. Anyway, it's time to subject you to a rapid-fire litany of all the absolute mutants currently hurtling towards office

in Ohio and Arizona just as you would be if you still lived at home in a game we're calling Between a Rock Hall and a Hot Place. Thank you. But just to make it a little more interesting, I'm going to ask Brian about Ohio and Mitra about Arizona. Yeah, that's a twist for you.

DeWine. Deucy. Wow. They both got it right. Yeah! You can only ask those questions where the answer is DeWine or Deucy. All right, here we go. Recently, Arizona GOP gubernatorial candidate Carrie Lake

found herself agreeing with AOC and Gavin Newsom on a specific topic. What was it? A, that the DOJ should charge those 44 people for stealing $250 million in pandemic funds, but only because she believes they are members of what she calls Fauci's army. B, Trump allies shouldn't have been manhandling Georgia voter machines, but only because they should have, quote, smashed them with a sledgehammer. beer? no it was C. What happened? What a deeper buzz than before. That was such a nice little.

Now it's like a fucking thing. You showed me. The answer was C. It was that Carrie Lake told Tucker Carlson, I get a kick out of watching these liberal mayors throw their hands up and say that we can't handle it because it's life every day for us in border states. However, I'm not a fan of it. We're just taking people illegally who shouldn't be here, removing them further inland. One thing to note is the people that DeSantis flew up with was just people that were here legally. So he sucks.

All right, Brian, you're up. I do have one thing to say about Carrie Lake. Carrie Lake was a former news anchor for 12 News, and when I was a child, some people in my family did something that made them newsworthy, so I kind of know Carrie. Hey, so I just... What did they do?

I mean, it wasn't good. Right. That's probably why you didn't say it at first. They did so much charity. They donated a million dollars. Did they buy a turkey just before Thanksgiving? What did they do? Something happened to them.

Are you proud of asking? Everyone's fine. Everyone's hot. Ohio Senate candidate J.D. Vance is currently in a Twitter feud with which star of the 2012 David O. Russell romantic drama Silver Linings Playbook? Was it A. Bradley Cooper, B. Robert De Niro, C. Jennifer Lawrence, D. Tucker Carlson, or E. Yellowstone's Jackie Weaver? That doesn't make any sense. It said it was from... All right. Bobby, is it on Twitter?

Good for you. Give him a ding for that. Jennifer Lawrence, I feel like, is on set, so she doesn't have time. So I'm going to go Bradley. Oh, your instinct was right. It is Jennifer Lawrence. It is Jennifer Lawrence.

She may be on set, but they probably were setting up a shot or something, so she decided to go after J.D. Vance. Or no, maybe it was in an interview. The point is, it was Jennifer Lawrence. What did Arizona Republican Senate candidate Blake Masters call the Unabomber? A. A misunderstood patriot. B. A precursor to Antifa.

C. A subversive thinker that's underrated. Or D. Avant-garde in his methods. D? or B? It was C. Or C. Subversive thinker that's underrated? Yeah.

I'll probably get in trouble for saying this. I'd say, how about like Theodore Kaczynski? Good, good one, actually, yeah. Probably not great to be talking about Unabomber while campaigning. Wow. It's those political instincts that have gotten Blake Masters to where he is today, which is 10 points behind in a winnable race. He didn't even go by Ted Kaczynski.

He's respectful. He calls him by his full name, Theodore Kaczynski. Yeah, I refer to John Kaczynski as Jonathan Kaczynski. He respectfully calls him by his full name, Theodore Kaczynski. Yeah, I refer to John Kaczynski as Jonathan Kaczynski all the time. Yeah, and who, by the way, comes to mind when I think of the Unabomber as well. Not because of the name similarity, but because of

what they've done. Madison Gilbert's Ohio race is a toss-up. One of her claims to fame is the quote, Trump did a great job today. What was she referring to? A, Trump's comments on the violence at the 2017 white supremacist rally in Charlottesville. B, the time Trump finished his plate of ketchup

without getting any on the walls. Or C, his performance in a White House pie-eating contest. Okay, somebody in the audience said B. She said B. I am going to say B. No, it was A. It was Charlottesville. Not a ketchup answer.

But he would have crushed the pie-eating contest. Arizona representative and Oath Keeper Mark Fincham won the Republican nomination for Secretary of State in the primaries. While he definitely does terrible posts on Twitter, he regularly posts his most extreme views on which social media website? A, Tumblr, B, Pinterest, C, a subreddit about woodworking,

or D, Letterboxd? Love all of those. Stars, they're just like us. I think I did one Letterboxd and I was like, I'm not doing this ever again. I stopped using it because every time I wrote a review, I said that I cried and I was like, I cry a lot.

I was like, I don't think I need to keep track of this anymore. Okay, we'll go with Pinterest. Yes. Really? Fincham had an active Pinterest account to which he pins posts about stockpiling ammunition, likening gun control to the Holocaust, and a custom board fincham labeled treason launch list. Dude, this is a website to look for backyard inspo. This is fucking treason. It's a side of Pinterest I don't know about.

You're not looking hard enough. I'm not looking hard enough. It's like, just search for barn doors. Just this week, it was revealed that J.R. Majeski, also running in a toss-up race in Ohio, lied about what? Is it A, secretly practicing bigamy? Is it B, serving in Afghanistan? C, his peanut allergy?

End of list. I don't know what bigamy is. It would say that he was technically still married to his first wife while currently married to his second, but claimed that was due to paperwork error. Oh, that's a slay. The other options were serving in Afghanistan. He was stationed in Qatar for six months, never saw combat, and if he went 40 days without a shower like he claims he did, that's on him.

Okay. Or a peanut allergy. After being exposed to peanuts at a rally in Sandusky, he tried to play off anaphylactic shock out of fear that his supporters would label him, quote, a huge liberal snowflake. C. He lied about going to Afghanistan. And finally, which of these state leaders assisted dozens of protesters in traveling to the insurrection on January 6th, organized and raising money for them? Was it A, Ohio's J.R. Majewski, B, Ohio's J.D. Vance, C, Arizona's Mark Fincham, or D, Arizona's Abe Hamaday? So we're coming together?

Yeah, you can answer this one together. Oh, shit. Wow. Okay, so. I don't remember any of the names. It's J.R. Majewski. Okay, here's what it says. Do you want to read anything you want to sort of riff on here?

There's an opinion. But in our opinion, probably all of them. Ooh, no holds barred, shot fired. Shots fired at all of these folks. I'm just loving the vibes. Let this roll on. Just workshopping. Thank you, Demetria and Brian. They'll be back for hot takes.

Put your head between your knees and cover your head with your hands as I ask you to become aware of bisexuals, because it is a bisexual awareness alert. Tonight we're talking about Alexander the Great. Married to Roxanna for love, married twice more for political gain, and in a long-term intimate relationship with his close friend and bodyguard, Hefastian? Sounds bi to me. Is it reductive to apply modern identity categories to historical figures?

Sure it is. What's he going to do about it? Not push further into India again? is. What's he going to do about it? Not push further into India again? Specific historical reference to Alexander's India campaign. The point is, here we are, more than 2,300 years since Alex died, and still few celebs publicly identify as bisexual. We're looking at Billy Joe Armstrong from Green Day, David Archuleta, and please add more to the list list we can't let old prejudices due to bisexuals what the deserts of beluchistan did to alexander the great's armies on their return from india which is decimate them due to the hostile conditions consider yourselves aware

when we come back is jeff goldblum here maybe probably not don't go anywhere this is love it or leave it and there's more on the way and we're back this week the fda had to warn the public not to cook chicken in cold medicine after a potentially deadly nyquil chicken challenge took tiktok storm. We don't know if it's deadly or not. It seems bad to cook medicine, though. Don't do it. It's like, I don't want to add false information that it's like, ah, it's gonna kill

you, but I don't know that it won't. Don't do it. Steamy NyQuil and histamines. You don't want to cook them. The point is we wanted to book an expert on TikTok food challenges and you're not going to believe it. The first name that came up for some reason, celebrated actor Jeff Goldblum.

Come on out here, Jeff. Yes. Hello, hello, hello. How are you doing? Ah, yes. I see. Jeff, thank you so much for joining us. Please have a seat.

Sure. All right. He's really hamming it up. Thank you very much for having me. Gosh, what a seat. Sure. All right. He's really hamming it up. Thank you very much for having me. Gosh, what a treat. So, Jeff, most people know you best from your iconic roles in films like The Fly and Independence Day. Fly, yes. But it turns out you're here today to talk about NyQuil Chicken.

Why is that? Right, you are, John. I have been sent here on a press tour. This is a serious topic matter. I've been sent here by our friends at the Federal Food and Drug Administration to get the word out about this dangerous new trend that's popping up on the phones, the app. TikTok. The TikTok, yes. TikTok, indeed.

What a name. What a name, TikTok. The way it recalls the precious seconds draining from our lives as we watch yet another teen prepare a recipe from the very bowels of hell. TikTok, John. TikTok.

Sure, I guess. Is that what the... Is that what the FDA sent you here to say? Oh, goodness, no. I've prepared a statement. Very official. Let's see here. Hello, teens. Young adults.

Adults who need to grow up a little. It says here, ad lib, something timely and relatable. All right, all right. Let's think, let's think. Adam Levine. Adam Levine. Oh, what a poet. What a poet.

Shakespeare. Shakespeare said, shall I compare thee to a summer's day? Adam Levine said, it is truly unreal how fucking hot you are. That's right. Like it blows my mind. No. Yeah, you crushed it.

Great, keep going. Ah, yes, okay. And then it's straight down to business. No more funny business. Just business business. Boiling a medication can make it much more concentrated and change its properties in other ways. Mmm. That doesn't sound nice at all.

Not at all. Even if you don't eat the chicken, inhaling the medication's vapors while cooking could cause high levels of drugs to enter your body. That doesn't sound so bad. But, ah, it could also hurt your lungs. I mean, for heaven's sake, the lungs. The fireplace of the body.

You agree? Sure. That does sound pretty dangerous. Don't boil medicine, John. If I said it once, I've said it a thousand times. Okay, no offense, Jeff Goldblum, but why are you the person delivering this PSA?

Oh, why me? Why me? Why me? Ah, yes. I got the FDA. The FDA. It trots me out every time one of these crazy food dares goes viral. The Tide Pods, I invented that one. The Cinnamon Challenge, beat it three times. They've got me on a retainer.

Yeah, sure, but why you? Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. The question, why me? Why Jeff Goldblum? Well, I hark back to a question asked by many, a legendary casting director from bungalows in Venice to studio offices in Burbank. Why not?

Why not Jeff Goldblum? Why not me? Yeah, why not you? I just don't understand. I wonder if you're the best messenger for people who weren't born when Jurassic Park came out. I was in Jurassic World Dominion this year, John. Round of applause if you saw that.

Well. Not a lot. I think you're kind of proving my point. John, I can play anything. I've played a sexy Jewish scientist. Sure. A sexy Jewish alien. A sexy Jewish fly.

I have done it all. The national health apparatus hasn't been, how should we put it, at the top of its game. You agree? I agree. Not so much? Not so much. I think we can admit between us boys. Sure.

I didn't like how you said that. But okay, yeah. Just between us boys, you and me? Uh-huh. Just us boys? It's kind of working. Keep going. Keep going.

Should the FDA have hired a hot and happening it girl? Who am I thinking of? Natalie Imbruglia. Sure. Right? Perhaps. But here I am, Jeff Goldblum,

imploring you. Uh-oh. The shirt's opening. Not to cook cough syrup. All right, I have something to confess, Jeff. When I asked my producers to book a TikTok

food challenge expert, it wasn't because I wanted to be warned, Jeff When I asked my producers to book a TikTok food challenge expert It wasn't because I wanted to be warned about the danger of eating a dry scoop of protein powder It's because I'm going to do some of those challenges tonight Yeah, I told you Hallie, come on out Oh no, and Ari right behind No, no, no, John, no, I cannot condone this at all No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. And Ari right behind. No, no, no, John. No, I cannot condone this at all. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

No, no, no. You don't have to condone it, Jeff. But this is happening. I'm going to eat an Oreo with mustard on it. Now, wait. No, no, no, no, no. Do not encourage this behavior. Why not try the viral Jeff Goldblum challenge?

This is for all the young people at home, too. You go to this gorgeous little place I know in Puerto Arcole. You take a little ricotta, a little honey that's still buzzing from the bees. You drizzle it on the freshest bread you've ever seen. The steam on the table

connects to the steam in the oven. It's one trail of steam, baby. This is my panetoscano that could stop Napoleon on his way to Elba, my friends. Oh, baby. Doesn't that sound like some risky fun? That just sounds like an incredible appetizer you

ate in Italy. It is absolutely delicious, and do you know what else it is? FDA approved. Alright, nice try Goldblum, but I'm committing to the bit. The Oreo mustard challenge, here we go. Oh, God. They're pre-made. Wow. A lot of mustard.

You want one? Oh, Jeff Goldblum's in. Of course. Jeff Goldblum's in. Cheers. I'll try anything once or twice. Oh, it's not bad. It's not good. It's not good, but it's not bad. Okay. At least that's over. Oh my god. Wow.

The Oreo's gone, the mustard lingers. We're just getting started, Jeff Goldblum. Oh no. For this next challenge, I'm supposed to eat two bananas. Two bananas? Not one banana. The bananas doubled since I left the office.

For this next challenge, Jeff Goldblum, I'm going to eat two bananas, then chug these cans of Sprite. Without throwing up, here we go. Oh, no. Oh, please, I beg you, don't do this to this beautiful body of yours. What are you doing, John? It's so beautiful.

Oh, there you go. I like how you eat that banana. It is... Yes, break it up into little pieces so it's easier to swallow. There we go. There we go. You've got to put it all at once. Let's get it in there. I have another challenge you could try. Here's how it works. Here's another challenge while he gets through the second banana. The slowest banana eating I've ever seen in my entire life.

There's this little place in Shibuya down an unassuming alley. You walk up a flight of stairs and there's hardly a door at all. Looks almost like a cabinet but you duck down and when you stand up on the other side

the umami that wafts into your nostrils seems devilish because you sell your soul to sample just a morsel of what Chef Fukudo has in store for you. Are you through

those bananas yet? That was a long monologue I just told. And you have yet to finish a second banana. Yes, don't forget the mic. Yes, the banana is not a mic.

We have not mic'd that yet. The technology has yet to be created. Now get to that sprite before we go. You know, TikToks are normally under a minute, but you are really

milking this for all it's worth. They added them. Two points. One, you're just describing another delicious appetizer. Two, you've never seen a person eat two bananas in their life. One's easy. It's surprisingly hard to do the second. But the point is, now I'm supposed to drink both of these cans of fucking Sprite. Oh, abandon this. Oh, my God.

Oh, no. Here we go. Give me some room. Oh, no. Here we go. Give you some room. Oh, no. You know what they say. Vomit finds a way. Oh, no. Just stop it now.

I command you for the FDA. They brought mini cans, and ethically, I have to drink at least half of this one. Whoa. Um. Okay. Don't do it. No. Stop. Stop.

You need to stop. John. John. John. I demanded to be part of this segment against the values of everyone I work with, and now here it is written on cards. I can't back out now, no matter how much I want to.

Free will is an illusion, Jeff Goldblum. My fate is sealed. My handlers at the FDA are not going to be happy about this segment at all, I will tell you that. They're going to be even less happy about this next part. Brian, bring out the NyQuil chicken. Oh, no. Oh, no.

John, I'm going to have to put my foot down. He's putting it. Oh, no. John, I'm gonna have to put my foot down. He's putting it while he's dancing. I'm gonna put it down. Why are you doing this to yourself, this beautiful vessel of your body? Because I'm not in Tuscany, Jeff. I'm here in America. Do you think the good people at TikTok don't know about actual food? Of course they do, but they're not looking

for a culinary delight. They're not looking for caviar served atop a quail egg custard. Hey, hey, hey, let's not say anything you can't take back. John. They're not looking for caviar served atop a quail egg custard. Hey, hey, hey, let's not say anything you can't take back, John. They're looking to feel alive, Jeff. They're looking to feel anything at all

amidst the numbing grind of modern life, a tiny sip of serotonin. It's S&M, but for your gastrointestinal tract. You think these TikTok trends are horrendous now?

Imagine how heinous they're going to be if Trump is back in the White House. Now step aside. I'm eating this abomination. I cannot let this stand. By the power vested in me,

by the FDA, I command you to not eat the chicken. I'll eat it myself before I let you touch it. Yes, this is how Jeff Goldblum dies. Poisoned in a heroic sacrifice. Saving the life of his simple

friend, John. Just between us boys. Us innocent sexy boys. It feels meant to be. Alright, that's enough. I don't want this anymore. No, wait. This is how I wish to be remembered. This will be Zaddy Jeff's

legacy. Bring on the NyQuil chicken. Alright, we're throwing it out. Jeff Goldblum, everybody. Oh, no. Let me have one lick, one lick. Get it out of here. One lick, John. No, get it out of here. Get out of here, Jeff Goldblum.

Thank you so much, John Marco. Check out his podcast, The Downside Podcast, and follow him at JohnMarcoCeresi to get his upcoming dates. When we come back, it's time for some hot takes. And we're back. It's time for some Hot Takes. And we're back. Before we get to Hot Takes, Love It or Leave It is recorded live at Dynasty Typewriter in

Los Angeles every week. Coming up soon, we've got Josh Barrow, Kel Cripe, Demia, did you eBay Stephen Merchant, Will Rollins for tickets to this show or to see if we're coming to your state? I'm looking at you Baltimore. Head to crooked.com slash events. Also, the first vote by mail ballots are hitting

mailboxes, and the earliest in-person voting starts this week. If you don't, yeah, that's right. It's here. If you don't know how you're voting, this is the week to get your shit together. Visit votesaveamerica.com slash everylastvote to plan your vote. Remind everyone you know to do the same and donate

to the Every Last Vote Fund to directly support the work of organizers and volunteers in key swing states that are actively working to battle disenfranchisement in communities of color.

Go to votesaveamerica.com right now. All right. And now for a segment we call Hot Takes. Here's how it works. You will have 30 seconds

to defend a never before seen absolutely horrible terrible indefensible position as if it were your own we all get one skip but we should be assured that whatever we skip is probably uh what we're gonna get is gonna be worse they've made it so sometimes horribly so people who work on the show are sick let's see who's up first the best thing about platonic male friends is the unspoken agreement you'll never touch or verbalize how important you are to each other. This is for me. I think it's very important

that whether you're straight or gay or bi or pan, that you've internalized as a man, if you are a man, enough of the misogyny and toxic masculinity in our society that no matter who you are, no matter who you love, you know expressing your feelings to a man you are not sleeping with is icky. It's not something you should do. It's not what men do.

It's not how they relate to each other. It's very important that, let's say, if you host a podcast with two of your closest straight male friends, you never, ever ask a personal question during the day. That's how it works. That's what keeps the trains running on time. Thank you. Let's see what's next. Homosexuality is not real.

Brian, this is your, you have 30 seconds. Please defend it. I mean, have you ever seen a homosexual person? I certainly have not. When I look around me,

when I look into this audience, I see just a sea of straight people. Nice. So true. So true. So true. Thank you. It's more and more true.

It's more and more true. All right, let's see what's next. There is nothing more embarrassing than an adult who talks about Harry Potter. Yasmeen, let's hear it. This is your view. Let's go, 30 seconds. That was really fucking rude.

I actually get repulsed when people, especially adults who are attractive, talk about Harry Potter. Especially when they do the, the boy who lived has come to die. That gives me the actual ick. Like, that's so gross. And no, I don't have it on my dating profile that I can do any Harry Potter impersonation. And yes, that has gotten me laid before, the Harry Potter thing. Sorry, Mom and Dad.

Head in his hands. Head in his hands. Women have sex. And it's fine. I got you. Thank you, John. Let's see what's next. Heterosexuality is not real.

John Marco. I feel like I've been living this truth my whole life. I think the idea that every river has its bends. Am I right? There's no such thing as a straight line. That's all theoretical. Everyone is just, have you ever gone to the zoo and you see, if you see any chimpanzees or monkeys,

everyone's touching and fucking and they're sucking. And there's no way we're this close to them. We're just lying to ourselves. Nice. Let's see what's next. Never be friends with an ex. They're a monster. You hate them.

Alicia. Don't ever be friends with an ex because you know it's better to be immature and not be a grown adult that knows how to communicate and set boundaries

it is so much better and hotter to hold grudges in this really complicated life that we have and not like someone just because you were intimate with them that That makes a lot more sense. Because if you've seen someone naked and then now you're not with them, they should die.

And why would you ever talk to them again? Because the love shouldn't exist. The love just goes away. Like a fairy comes and picks it up if you're not together anymore. Nice. Let's see what we have next bisexuality is not real mitra yeah i said it and i meant it i'm sick of this bisexuality awareness weeks okay enough is Okay, we're all straight. How about that?

And I mean it because I actually said that I was going to go to school for neuroscience and then I dropped out. But before I did that, I took one science class and I'm pretty sure I passed. And in that class, we said that everyone is straight. I think I landed the plane and I don't need to say anything else. Let's see what's next.

It's Salt, Yasmeen, Salt Lake City is the worst Real Housewives franchise. Take it away. When I say to you my heart is racing, I'll go to war for those Mormon women. No, no, you hate them. You don't like them. You think they're bad. You have 30 seconds.

I hate them. They are so annoying. Jen is going to prison. To be honest, I just feel like all the real housewives are just such a waste of space. But at the same time, I think they're so dumb. Especially Salt Lake City. What's in Salt Lake City? Not salt. Is it even a city? The world

will never know. BYU's there. Nice. Let's see what's next. Divorce is a non-event and not worth discussing. John Marco. Alright, I'll skip it. Sure. Therapce is a non-event and not worth discussing. John Marco. All right, I'll skip it, sure. Therapy is a racket. Go to a rage room.

It's cheaper. Absolutely. Let me tell you, I just turned 34, and all you need at 34 is to hit something with a baseball bat. You go to a rage room, you can do plates, a typewriter, a computer. For $100, they'll bring in your dad. It's a very fun... That's all you need sometimes.

There's nothing to fix. It's broken and it's never getting better. So just pick up a crowbar and fucking swing at it until you can't swing anymore. Nice. Let's see what's next. When Kim Kardashian does it,

it's cultural appreciation. Alicia. Okay, skip. Okay. Be Real is the social media app of the future. I think that was a good skip. You guys did your due diligence, and I despise it.

I despise this app. I mean, okay, anyways. Be real is so great. We need more social media apps in the world. It's not like we're already robots. And don't you want a way for the world to know where you are once a day, every day? Because that's so safe, isn't it? And, you know, it's not like we're already engulfed

with so much stupid-ass information about each other. Let's have another app where you take a picture of exactly what you're doing at that time because it's so much fun and it's not like you hate yourself. And more attention is great. Nice. Let's see what's next. I'm talking to someone after this show. And more attention is great. Nice.

Let's see what's next. I'm talking to someone after this. Pottery wheel throwing, ceramics all dumb. It's 2022, not the Stone Age. Buy your friend a real gift. Mitra. I personally make pottery and it sucks. It's ugly. It looks like shit.

It is a horrible gift. When I give you pottery, it's because I didn't want to spend money on a gift. I'm already spending money for a membership at a studio. Clay is expensive. Glaze is expensive. You are getting the byproduct of my hobby. Your gift serves me.

Guess what? It's not a real gift. And guess what? I don't care. Nice. Thank you. And that's how it takes. When we come back,

we'll end on a high note. And we're back. Because we all need it this week, here it is, the high note. Hey, love it. This is Mark. I just want to leave my high note for the week. Here in Texas, we're having a bit of a bad week. Here it is, the high note. Hey, love it. This is Mark. I just want to leave my high note for the week. Here in Texas, I was having a bit of a bad week, and then I listened to your most recent show. And between Lindsay Gerham and Shlomo McDuff on the bagpipes, well,

things got a whole lot better. So thank you very much. Hi, love it. This is Katie, and I'm from Central California. And my high note this week is that after five months of not seeing my boyfriend, he's finally coming back from basic and AIT, and I'm really excited. He just completed Gannon crew member training, and he will be a part of the National Guard. And he graduated as honor grad from his unit. So I'm really excited that he's coming home. I have the most embarrassing sign for him to pick him up at the airport, and I can't wait to finally see him. Hi, Lovett. This is Shannon from South Dakota. My high note this week is that last Sunday, I went door knocking for the first time ever. I canvassed in support of my friend Becky Enquish-Roder, who is running for state

representative in District 17. Because our Blue County was recently gerrymandered into a district with two red counties, it's a three-way race for two open seats, and Becky is the best candidate in the field, but not just because she's the only Democrat. Becky is a down-home girl with no time for bullshit, but actual real patience for teamwork, and she's an entrepreneur of three small businesses, one of which is the state's second licensed medical cannabis grower she genuinely wants to ensure the south dakota legislature hears all voters voices but not just listens to its own echo chamber plus her grassroots campaign is making sure it paves the way for future dems to run in our area if you would like to help becky beat the republicans she's against, go to beckyinthehouse.com and click donate. That's B-E-K-K-I-in-the-house.com. And for anyone in District 17, you get two

votes, but just use one when you vote for Becky and deny the other guys. Thanks for the inspiration, Levitt. I'll definitely be knocking more doors for Becky and in future elections. Hi, John. This is Andrew. I am 33 years old, coming from Chicago, and my high note this week is that I survived a very intensive surprise heart surgery this summer, and I'm now back in Chicago with my fiance after going through this in Vienna, Austria, where I was working as an opera singer. So I'm really happy to be back home, and I have to say that listening to your podcast in recovery was really helpful.

As much as it fucking hurt to laugh, it was also really, really helpful. So a big thanks from one nerdy East Coast Jew to another and take it easy. Thanks to everybody who sent in a high note tonight. If you want to leave us a message about something that gave you hope, call us at 323-538-2377.

That is our show. Thank you so much to Mitra Juhari, John Marco Cerezi, Brian Bahi, Alicia Pesquil-Pena, Yasmin Hamidi, and everybody who sent in a high note tonight. There are 45 days

until the midterm elections. Have a great weekend. Thank you.