Lovett or Leave It - Sick in a Box

Episode Date: March 14, 2020

Trump's chaotic, bumbling response to the coronavirus pandemic alarms the country. Local and state leaders (and Bernie and Biden) fill the void. And everyone figures out how to act responsibility to protect the community while panic shopping and googling symptoms. We've canceled our live shows to be safe, so until we're on the other side of this, we're going to be experimenting with some new segments and finding ways to quiz and hear from listeners during the show. It's Lovett or Leave It: Back in the Closet. Special thanks to Paul Scheer, Rachel Bonnetta, and Rachna Fruchbom for joining, and to the listeners who let me quiz them this week on their coronavirus prep.

Hey everybody, I am in the studio right now because we have cancelled all live shows for Pod Save America and Love It or Leave It for the time being just to be safe due to the coronavirus. Not the biggest problem, but this does mean I am not getting my weekly dose of doctor prescribed. Doctor prescribed medical applause. Don't you? Don't. Don't do it.

So we decided we didn't just want to do our normal show without the audience. We're really grateful to everybody who comes out to support Crooked Shows. Whether they're laughing, not laughing, because it was a technically good joke that didn't work. But shut up. And yeah, this is a little bit dramatic, but they got Tom and Rita. OK, Earth is dramatic. Anyway, we are going to try something new. So welcome to Love It or Leave It, Back in the Closet.

John's going, going, back, back in the closet, closet. It's just so bad. Thank you, Paul, for laughing. Introduce me, goddammit. That's literally the next thing out of my corona hole. Who's the only person who showed up the only person you know I was even gonna go to that

dirty ass comedy club you shouldn't even go to a comedy club normally when coronavirus is there forget about it ladies and gentlemen Paul Scheer you know him you love him and he's here I'm the one who came I'm the one who came because you know what I care he does care I care he cares he's here. I'm the one who came. I'm the one who came because you know what? I care.

He does care. I care. He cares. He's like, there's a podcast out there that needs a guest. I mean, what worse position could you possibly be in on the day where everything in the world is canceled? I could not cancel on you. I couldn't come here and not do the show.

You know what? And that's why America's not going to cancel on you, Paul. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. So we're going to do segments you know Paul. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. So we're going to do segments you know and love or think are fine while waiting for the segments you actually do like. But we're also going to be opening up

the show to the audience over the phone. If you follow me on Twitter, I'm going to be tweeting ways you can send us a rant, play a game in real time, or just let us know the dumbest thing you panic purchased while high on your couch watching Donald Trump incite chaos from the Oval Office. Hypothetically, was it 24 bags of white cheddar cheese puffs? Hypothetically?

The point is... I mean, we're all struggling. The XFL is canceled right now. And I think that we're all trying to figure out how we're dealing with that. Vince McMahon took a very big statement today. Is the XFL, is that the one that happens indoors? Yeah, I think so. I think we only pay attention to it as a punchline right now.

I think he thought it was going to come back in a big way. The XFL announced that they would not have anyone in the stands. And then someone said, starting when? And they said, starting five years ago. They've been the most... Their corona safety has been so

high since they started. Yeah, we've had a long-standing policy of social distancing America from this league. Look, the point is, when life hands you coronavirus, wash your hands, you know? Yeah, exactly. And don't touch your face. It's so hard not to touch your face because we're getting inundated with such terrible news that you need to be like, like i need to like run my hands i need my bald pate

bald pate i i need a i need a dog cone yeah to stop me from touching my face or putting my hands in my face the minute you tell me how to touch my face my eye itches and then what do i do how do you how do you fix that? Do I rub on like a stick, like a cat or something? I need a face stick. Can we fly in a face stick? All right. Are you going to do the monologue, James? I'm about to. All right, great. Here we go. Here we go. Let's get into it. What a pandemic. Both Joe Biden and Bernie Sanders were planning to hold big rallies this week, but had to cancel because of concerns over coronavirus.

And then on Wednesday, Donald Trump, famous for his deft touch, addressed the nation, hoping to project an aura of calm and seriousness to a nation terrified, a moment that required honesty and a sense of shared purpose. We have the greatest economy anywhere in the world by far. Very cool. Tell that to Aunt Diane while she's gasping for air because there aren't enough respirators at the hospital. Too dark? Maybe. Tell it to Aunt Diane,

who again can't get a respirator. Now that our containment strategy has failed, I'm sure Trump will announce a big plan to stop the virus from spreading further in the country. We will be suspending all travel from Europe to the United States for the next 30 days. Saying that your big policy is shutting down air travel to stop a virus that is already spreading is why we have folksy sayings like Trump shut the stable door after the horse bolted. The virus is the horse. Stable is Europe Europe and America is where the horse went

to work in the gig economy I think and then thank you for laughing Paul I'm so grateful for you for being here and then we find out this Oval Address was riddled with errors within an hour the Department of Homeland Security corrected the president saying that actually this does not apply to American citizens or legal

residents so it's not true but Americans all over Europe still panicked and ran to the airports, so Trump got a bunch of Americans and Europeans to crowd together in a tight space so that they could all fly here at once. It's very stupid. So stupid. So stupid. So in summary, the biggest crisis of his presidency,

a challenge for any president not completely overwhelmed by malignant narcissism and cable news brain disease, went before the American people and said the economy is amazing and no Americans can leave Finland, none of which is true. This, however, is the first time Trump took the virus seriously. Today, the World Health Organization officially announced that this is a global pandemic. We have been in frequent contact with our allies and we are marshalling the full power of the federal government and the private sector to protect the American people. Within moments of Trump delivering this speech, it had the opposite effect. Panic spread across the nation. It was

incredible how ineffective Trump was in this moment. Maybe for the first time, people began to see how serious it was because in the past, Trump said things like this. People die from the flu. And this is very unusual. And it is a little bit different, but in some ways it's easier and in some ways it's a little bit tougher. But we have it so well under control. I mean, view this the same as the flu. When somebody sneezes, I mean, I try and bail out as much as possible. It's going to disappear one day. It's like a miracle. It will disappear. If you're healthy, you will probably go through a process

and you'll be fine. You take a solid flu vaccine, you don't think that would have an impact or much of an impact on corona? No. It's worth noting that Anthony Fauci, one of the most well-respected public health experts who's worked for administrations going back,

I think, 30 years more, had to go on Sean Hannity to tell Sean Hannity's viewers, it's not the flu. Anyone who's telling you the flu is wrong because his job has been, and I think in an incredibly honorable way, his job has been to make sure he's in the right place at the right time to protect the country, which involves figuring out how to tell the American people

the truth while not pissing off Donald Trump too much, who has been lying for three fucking months or three weeks, has been lying because Donald Trump's a liar. In the aftermath of Donald Trump's ineffective speech, both Bernie Sanders and Joe Biden decided to address the nation. Here's what Biden had to say. The World Health Organization now has officially declared COVID-19 a pandemic. Downplaying it, being overly dismissive, or spreading misinformation is only going to hurt us and further advantage the spread of the disease. Let me be crystal clear. The coronavirus does not have a political affiliation. It will infect Republicans, independents and Democrats alike. It will not discriminate based on national origin, race, gender or zip code.

I'd say I've been pretty critical of Biden in the past. I just want to say I feel like he's now consistently striking the right tone. That is what he's done since some of his victories. And I think that's what he did today. It's pretty clear that he's trying to demonstrate to people how seriously he would take the job of president and offer a distinction to what Donald Trump is doing. And to be honest, it seems like Biden will be fine as long as he takes some common sense precautions, like not touching other people's face, hair, shoulders, waist or hands, and not putting his wife's fingers directly into his mouth. I mean, we're talking about three people who are at the highest risk for covid-19. Yeah, no, it's it's pretty wild. Seventy three to seventy eight.

They're right in the sweet spot. Speaking of Bernie Sanders, he also spoke and again, I think, struck a far better tone than the president. If there ever was a time in the modern history of our country, when we are all in this together, this is that moment. Now is the time for solidarity. Now is the time to come together with love and compassion for all, the time to come together with love and compassion for all, including the most vulnerable people in our society. So just, I think it's worth stopping to say, you know, I feel like this has been a very tough primary and we're at the end and feelings are pretty raw, but I do think one of the striking facts about this week has been just how much better we would be if Joe Biden or Bernie Sanders

were overseeing this response. It really is overwhelming to me to see how ineffective Trump is at this, especially when reading off of a teleprompter. It's not talking extemporaneously. You can correctly just write something that strikes these tones. And the fact that they can't even get that going on, the fact that you say four things and all four things need to be corrected, is only causing more of a panic. And that's the thing that is the scary part of this to me. Even Giuliani, who is now a figure of much disdain. When 9-11 happened in New York, he was this calming, wonderful figure who was once a divisive

figure in New York, was able to sit down and be like, let's all go forward on this. On the one hand, we have very little information. And on the other, we know that it's spreading in the community and we see how bad it's gotten in places like Italy. We see countries like South Korea stepping up. We see the course that it ran continues to run. In China, we see that it's getting worse. In Europe, we hear reports of how there's community spread in different parts of the United States. And so we know it is everywhere, and yet the tests have not allowed us to see where it is. And so it's this Schrodinger's virus where it's everywhere, it's nowhere.

You need to take adequate precautions as if it's in your community right now. And yet you have to do it having absolutely no knowledge about actually what is happening on the ground it has thrust millions of people into these absurd ethical and moral dilemmas about whether to go to work whether to go to school whether to keep their kids home whether to shut their businesses whether to cancel shows i mean look it's a strange thing but i do think uh rita wilson and her husband getting it uh has been a wake-up call for a lot of people. Absolutely. In the same way that, you know,

NBA, I think, told the straights to panic. Broadway shutting down told the gays to panic. But Rita Wilson and Tom Hanks, like, wow, this is everywhere. And by the way, it's, they had, you know, mild symptoms and were tested because they were in a country with available tests.

And right now we are in a place where the only people getting tested are famous and celebrities. The whole Utah Jazz got tested. And we know that Utah is famous for jazz. And we love their jazz. The jazz out of Utah is really where it's at. But no, but that's not even totally true too

because Pat Patterson and the Clippers was like, NBA, where's my test? Like today, this is like, you know, it's like we're in a very tough moment right now. And what i see on twitter boggles my mind like disneyland closing for the first time you know disneyland only is closed for like four times ever like after jfk was assassinated on 9 11 uh the time that while disney's disembodied head came alive yes that was like to tear down the magic kingdom it just but

then they were able to contain it in uh. Toad's Wild Ride, thankfully. And that's where it lives and haunts it forever. But the immediate response, and this is what was driving me crazy today. It's like, yes, we are in a fucking global pandemic. People are freaking out. Disney's like, we are closing down for the end of the month. All the comments under it. Why are you going to refund my annual pass for an extra month?

What about my annual pass? What about my annual pass? You fucking idiot. You want to go there? Like, why would you want to go there right now? Like I, I literally went on ride,

uh, rise of the resistance, the best ride ever in a theme park. That thing is a Corona factory. It's like, let's get together. Let's touch everything like that. But come on,

what do we work? But that's like, priorities are still in a weird zone. The other thing about this too, is that this is a moment that requires healthy people to take care of unhealthy people by making sacrifices. You know, we're doing this in studio because we decided not to do a show at the Improv Crooked. This company is going to start working from home, not because it puts anyone who works here at particular risk, It puts anyone who works here at particular risk. But because we're trying to do the responsible thing and avoid contagion and provide social distance, because that's what health experts have said we all have to do. And everyone has to make that decision individually.

And they have to do it in the context of a political environment in which the president has said for weeks that it's not a big deal. Convincing a lot of the most vulnerable, you know, a lot of the most vulnerable people are trump supporting older people going to church going to book club all these things that you should not be doing yes the maga hat while providing immunity to certain conditions respect from young people it doesn't protect you from coronavirus but anyway this is the comedy version of the crooked shows. Into this gaping maw of confusion, Congress has stepped in. Thanks to the Democrats we elected in 2018, the House sprang into action with Nancy Pelosi announcing the Family First Coronavirus Response Act, which included free testing for anyone who wants it, including the uninsured, paid emergency leave with both 14 days of paid

sick leave and three months of paid family and medical leave, strengthen food security for those who cannot afford food without a job, clear protections for health care and medical workers, and increase federal funds for Medicaid. And then the White House said no. They didn't want to pass this emergency response bill because they hate paid family leave. And they also said the bill could open up the door to federal funds for abortion. Pretty cool. Tell them what happened, though, when the stock market hit all-time lows. They had no

problem unleashing some money for that. The life of the stock market is very, very important to them. Exactly. That came back. They were able to put $5 trillion into that, no problem. As of this recording, we don't know what will happen with the bill, but if we know Congress, they'll figure it out. Sorry.

Guys, we're not talking about the real issue. Fast9 pushed a year a year fast nine more like slow nine i mean when you think of that i mean at this point i mean look also the fast line has a giant problem which is it's associated itself purely with corona uh which is like that is a a franchise staple that these characters drink corona really oh that's a big deal like when kurt russell's character was introduced like he had a bottle of champagne a franchise staple that these characters drink Corona. Do they really? Oh, that's a big deal. When Kurt Russell's character is introduced, he had a bottle of champagne.

He's like, Dom, I know what you like, and pulls an ice bucket of Corona. Bam! With the Corona labeling right on the front with all ice Corona. I love that for them. I will say I have not seen these films because every time I've tried to enter

the threshold of a movie theater playing one, I can't like a vampire. There's something about the combination of my being an arrogant, smug, David Hyde Pierce type gay, plus the homosexuality itself. I can't cross the threshold unless I'm invited in by a true...

By Vin Diesel. I must be invited by Vin Diesel. Has he in those movies? Yes! Yeah, I knew that. I know who's in them. You're missing out. You're missing out. You would love it. You would love it. Fast 9 a year. A year we have to wait. You might say I'm too fast, but a little curious. You're missing out. You're missing out. You would love it. You would love it. Fast nine a year. A year we have to wait. You might say I'm too fast, but a little curious.

Yeah, couldn't even finish it. Too fast and curious. They also pushed back James Bond. Eight months. Eight months. And I am so pumped to see a Phoebe Waller bridge take on James Bond. I cannot wait. I'm very excited. But you know what kind of sucks about all this

is like they kind of blew the lead. It's like we just released the Billie Eilish song and now it's going to be like, oh, they use that old Billie Eilish song for this James Bond movie? That's from eight months ago. We want new content. Early in the outbreak. Back to the world

dying. The CDC required anyone who wanted to be tested to have all symptoms, have traveled to Wuhan or someplace experienced an outbreak, be between 6'1 and 6'4 and have over 10,000 Instagram followers. And now, weeks later, we are barely testing anyone. South Korea is currently testing 10,000 people every day. America, which has more than six times the population of South Korea, has tested fewer than 10,000 people in total. Oh, God damn it. tested fewer than 10,000 people in total. Oh, God damn it.

Look, obviously, we're in a bad state of affairs, but I think one of the shining moments is that we're getting Ted Cruz to basically have a Twitch account now. I feel like seeing him with those little beard mustache things that are growing out there. I think it is truly incredible. Nothing speaks to the soulless commitment to achieving, maintaining maintaining and being near power

than Ted Cruz from his quarantine praising the leadership of Donald Trump. This guy, this guy. You are stuck at home because of how this was mismanaged. And you're going to use that opportunity to say that criticism of Donald Trump is overblown. You are trapped at home. There's nothing for you to do at home except perhaps peruse incest pornography ted maybe it's not so bad for ted you know uh you that porn hub is giving out free subscriptions in italy that is the truth and and tak Cruz is like, Mojito. Manja.

What? I'm trying to say mojito. I'm trying to say mojito. That's what Ted Cruz said. That's a spicy meatball. How are you guys doing at home? Everybody doing great at home? Everybody stuck at home?

Great. Great. The best part about working at home is you don't have to put your earbuds in. You can just be free. You can just have this play real loud in your house now. It's great. Yeah. Now you're not stuck listening to this on your commute. You're working from home.

We come back. The phone lines are open. Wild. I guess. Hey, don't go anywhere. There's more of Love It or Leave It coming up. And we're back. So as you all know, now that you've heard the jingle, the cursed jingle, Love It or Leave It is back in the closet.

But what we wanted to do, because we don't have the audience here, we wanted to reach the audience that is listening. And so today we are going to call people and find out what they purchased in a panic to prepare themselves for coronavirus and how it's affecting their lives. And I'll just say that I'm recording this after and we had some delightful responses. Hello, Katie. Hi, Katie. It's John Lovett. How's it going? Oh, my God. You're kidding. No, no, this is very real. Oh, my poor boyfriend is're kidding. No. No, this is very real. Oh, my poor boyfriend's going to be so sad.

He's in a shower. Wow. Well, and then what happens? Katie. Katie. Yes, John Lovett. Here's the deal. No, don't tell him what's going on. Stay on the phone with me.

All right? He can figure it out. All right. He's your boyfriend, John Lovett. He can figure it out. Katie, what's your on. Stay on the phone with me. Alright? He can figure it out. Alright, he's with your voice, John Lovett. He can figure it out. Katie. What's your boyfriend's name? What's your boyfriend's name? Mustafa. Mustafa. Very cool.

Very cool. Was he born right after the film The Lion King came out or is it a coincidence? That's Mufasa you raised. You know what? Is that really her? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, it's really me.

It's really me. You know, famous racist. Don't laugh at me. Don't laugh at me. You know what? Put Mustafa on the phone. I don't want to talk to Katie anymore. I want to talk to Mustafa.

Hi, John. Hi. What is the dumbest panic thing you bought to prepare for the coronavirus? I don't know. What was the question again? I'm sorry. Mustafa, you fucking blew it. Put Katie back on the blower.

I want Katie on the horn. I blew it this time. I'm sorry. I still can hear you. That means you're not doing it. Give the phone to Katie. What did you buy? What did you buy? No, I definitely went on staples.com and bought two cartons of Lysol.

That's good. That's good. I think that's a smart thing to buy. That's good. That's good. I think that's a smart thing to buy. And then proceeded to create a brokerage account on TD Ameritrade.com. So now you're trading stocks. Yeah, no, for sure. I'm taking advantage of the bear market like some kind of awful human being. No, hey, hey, hey, listen, you're throwing out a lot of insults at me, at yourself. Let's just be nice. Katie, Katie, are you in Mustafa?

Are you working from home? How has your job been affected? So I actually work for the federal government here in D.C. and I work for DOT and they still haven't released any like official stay home. But my boss luckily is awesome. And he was just like, I don't care what the agency's stance is like, please just stay home. And Mustafa works with kids and they're not shutting down yet either. I work with special kids and we still have to go in

and it's pretty uneasy to be at work, to be honest with you. It's just the most uneasy I've been at work and I love my job. Well, hang in there. Stay safe.

Thanks for letting me call you. This was honestly far more enjoyable than I expected. Yes, Valentine's Day present was Dan Fiber's book tour here in dc and so his ears pretty much made now wow that's the um that's the nerdiest thing i've ever heard um have a great night you two uh you know glad you're staying clean

mustafa and uh you know everybody getting everybody heered. Don't look at me like that. Making chit chat. Thank you, bud. To be clear, he's still in the shower. What is going on? All right. I'm sorry. I have to go back to the show now. I think you two are so great.

Have a great night. Thank you, Tom. You too. Bye-bye. Perfect. Perfect. Perfect. Let's do another.

Let's do another. Hi, it's Jackie. Leave me a message. Thanks. Hi. Perfect. Let's do another. Let's do another. Hi, it's Jackie. Leave me a message. Thanks. Hi, Jackie. It's John Lovett. You wrote in to discuss the weirdest thing you bought and a panic about the coronavirus, though you screened the call, which I respect. But alas. So, you know, keep on doing what you're doing. Hello? Hi, is this Lucy? Yes.

Hi, this is John Lovett. I'm calling from a podcast. How are you doing? Hi. Good. How are you? So, I'm calling you to find out what the weirdest thing you bought in a panic about coronavirus. So I bought cheesecloth because I bought a lot of milk and I realized that if it starts going bad, there's not a lot you can do with a lot of milk. So I'm sorry. I'm sorry. You purchased too much milk. And so I've decided to make cottage cheese cheese is that what's going to happen are we

going to wring out the curds probably ricotta cheese i'm classy you know what i'm now realizing that ricotta cheese and cottage cheese are very similar i do think that you're really diminishing cottage cheese so you're gonna just are you working from home what's happening with your uh your uh your business your life your school whatever it is you do with your days? They told us that we got to work from home until April 17th. So just trying to kill some time. Do you think your boss is going to have a problem if you are making soft cheese during business hours? I mean, I think it's something you can do early in the morning and just eat all day, right?

Wow. What a life. Yeah, yeah. You know, trying to make the best of it. Great, Lucy. It's been lovely chatting with you. Thanks for answering the phone. You too. Jackie didn't answer. Yeah, my pleasure. Yeah, no problem. Bye. Bye.

Hello? Hi, is this Matthew? It is. Hey, this is John Lovett. I am calling to discuss with you the weirdest thing you bought in a panic to prepare for the coronavirus. Wasn't it? Can you identify? I hope so.

Can I identify? Wait, what? Can you identify with a jump rope? I hope so. Can I identify? Wait, what? Can you identify with a jump rope? I hope so. Oh, you bought a jump rope. You bought a jump rope. I see. Can I identify with a jump rope? I went to gender identity.

I was confused. I was like, no, I identify as a man, mostly. Understood, understood. So you bought a jump rope so you can stay fit in the home. I did. It was, I mean, I sort of like stocked up on the practical stuff. And I was like, what if I get really bored and the gym closes and you know, I've exhausted TVs and books. And then I realized that there's no space that in my apartment I can release it to its full extension.

So it is virtually useless. You know, it's probably not possible to exhaust books. The ones in my apartment, I don't know. How has your job been affected? Your school been affected? What's happening? Well, my job is freelancing. So mostly it has not been affected. Okay. Okay. Okay. I have babysit at my gym for, and the moms are still coming in, so that remains unchanged. But yeah, no, I live in New York, and the subways have been strangely closed. I've noticed that. I mean, not closed, but pretty empty. Pretty empty.

Okay. Very, very empty. Matt, any final thoughts? I'm against the virus, where we just take a stance on it. I think that was really brave. I think there's a lot of people out there saying, especially because it's so powerful and people are taking the virus aside, but not Matthew.

Not today. No, not today. Not today, sir. Not today, coronavirus. Matthew, thank you so much. Likewise. Thanks, guys. Thanks to everybody that answered the phone and to Jackie who didn't. This was so successful. We're going to keep it up.

And so watch my Twitter feed and see how you can be on the show next week. When we come back, I'll be joined by, it says here, the head of the American Cruise Line Association. That seems wrong. Don't go anywhere. This is Love It or Leave It, and there's more on the way. And we're back. As Americans across the country face uncertainty and fear over the coronavirus and follow the instructions from public health experts about social distancing to slow the spread of the virus,

no sector has faced more scrutiny than the cruise line industry. 85 confirmed cases of coronavirus in the U.S. came from three cruise ships. By comparison, 15 cases in the U.S. were traced to travel from China. Here to comment is the chair of the United States Board of Cruises, Dash Montgomery. Let's hear it for Dash. Thanks for being here during what I can only imagine is a busy time. Are you worried about the coming few months? Thanks for having me, John. Obviously, we in the cruise industry, or cruisers, take the ongoing coronavirus very seriously.

And we understand that Americans are concerned about boarding what may begin as a delightful excursion to the Caribbean, but might as well end up as a floating quarantine camp on the high seas. And as passengers stare out their windows, if their rooms have windows and many don't, longing for a time in which they weren't confined to a small room with the husband they realized three days ago was probably never the right person for her and never would be. So it sounds pretty bleak dash.

You must be worried about the future of your industry. Oh God, no, no, no, no, no, no.

That's hilarious. Worried about the cruise industry. Come on, John. It's the funniest thing I've ever heard. Will we take a hit? Yeah, you bet. But when we come back, no, no, no, no, no. That's hilarious. Worried about the cruise industry? Come on, John. That's the funniest thing I've ever heard. Will we take a hit? Yeah, you bet. But will we come back?

Yeah. We always do, boys and girls. That's a lot of confidence given the moment you're in here. This is my America, my man. And there ain't nothing that can stand between the American people and what amounts to a floating all-you-can-eat buffet that lets you spend exactly four hours at every destination, which is all you need, baby. You know, you buy a car of turbo that says Martinique that was made in China.

You get the fuck back on for Italian night. And what's that sound? Oh, yeah, it's karaoke. You bet your sweet ass it's karaoke, okay? Cruisin', baby, cruisin'. But Dash, but Dash. Yeah. People are scared. Let me explain to you something, John. Okay, look. Dash, but Dash. Yeah. People are scared.

Let me explain to you something, John. Okay, look. You got to remember. Remember that poop cruise? Yeah, I remember. The boat, it caught fire and the plumbing system shut down and people were stuck on that boat for a week with no air conditioning and human waste flooding the hallways. And guess what?

What? America bought tickets for that same boat. The same boat the same boat two weeks later and america what did they do they kept on cruising baby i know but it's not i know remember that time in 2013 when a cruise ship literally fell over i mean to be clear not like a person fell over the whole boat just fell over and just sat there on the coast of greece or whatever the fuck it was for you know know, people just straight up died. Well, guess what, John?

America kept on cruising. I think you're maybe a little glib about this crisis. There is nothing that will stop America from sliding down a water slide off the coast of Cozumel with a novelty cup of pina colada in one hand and a wedding ring they took off in the other. America will cruise. Wow. Wow.

Dash Montgomery, thank you so much. Yeah, let me just say one more thing, okay? Okay. You need us, America. All right. All right, do you want all those depressed magicians and burnt out comedians back in the labor market? Do you want your parents to go to a country where they don't speak the language and just, I don't know, start exploring?

Are you insane? Have you ever met your parents? Okay? We are in the cruising industry. All right? We have met your parents, and they need us more than we need them. Cruising. John, cruising.

Oh, okay. Cruising. Say it with me. Cruising. Cruising. Yeah, cruising. Cruising. Cruising with me! Cruisin! Cruisin! Yeah, Cruisin! Cruisin!

I regret doing it. Dash Montgomery of the Cruisin Council or whatever. Yeah. Thank you so much. Hey, remember, alcohol's not included

on these videos. Dash Montgomery, everybody. Give it up for Dash. So good. What a delight. So fun. When we come back, we're going to go

to the Hall of Shame. And I'm going to get the fuck out of here for a second. And I'll be back for the next part. Yeah, and then Paul will be back. Hey, don't go anywhere. There's more of Love It or Leave It coming up. And we're back. All right.

Earlier this week, Crooked Media launched an incredible new podcast called Hall of Shame. Hall of Shame is hosted by Fox Sports host and comic Rachel Bonetta and comedy writer of shows like Parks and Rec and Fresh Off the Boat, Wretch and a Fruck Bomb, as they walk us through some of the most insane and hilarious sports scandals we've forgotten about. Welcome. Thanks for having us. Good to see you again. Yeah. I love this show.

It's great. I'm not doing this for you. I'm doing this for people. They should know that it exists. It's a lot of fun. It's see you again. Yeah. I love this show. It's great. I'm not doing this for you. I'm doing this for people. They should know that it exists. It's a lot of fun. It's been so fun. Yeah. So just give us one line on this show.

Going back in time and talking about the craziest things that have happened in sports. And just reminding you of fun things. Yeah. That have happened. That makes sports awesome. And now that sports is canceled, it's really the only way to experience sports. So there you go. Couldn't be more timely. Yeah. Yeah. Get your fix. Yeah makes sports awesome. And now that sports is canceled, it's really the only way to experience sports, so there you go. It's going to be more timely. Yeah, get your fix.

A lot of people need it. The arenas are empty. Here's how this is going to work. I'm going to play the game. Rachel and Retna are going to read me a series of sports scandals, and I'm going to have to guess if they're true or false in a game we're calling Love It Knows the Name LeBron James, and honestly, that might be it.

Hey, I heard a ding. I heard a ding. It's possible. There was a question about whether we would be able to hear the dings. All right. Well, take it away. Okay. Is this true or false?

Is this real or fake? The horse murder scandal was a 20-year period where expensive show jumping horses were murdered for their life insurance. That's real. It is. And I learned that from a little show called Hall of Shame. Well, then that's cheating. You already listened to the episode? It's a doozy.

I don't think it's cheating to be in the world, you know? It's a doozy. I didn't know it was going to be on the test. This isn't a quiz show. All right? I thought it was. I'm not Ray Fiennes or the other one. Doesn't matter which.

Who's the other one? Doesn't matter. Okay. Moving on. All right. In the early days of organized boxing, Mickey and Ronnie Tremont, the Tremont twins, often competed in the Boston Circuit as one man, switching out based on who was better equipped for that one match.

True. It's false? False. Me failed. Tremont twins. Okay. Great fake names, match. True. It's false. False. Me failed. Tremont twins. Okay. Great fake names, though. Yeah.

Really? Okay. Donald Sterling. The owner of the Clippers was caught on tape saying racist things to his mistress, V. Stiviano. I know that this is real. I remember V. Stiviano. Who could forget?

Great name. She also wore a huge vis. I remember V Stiviano. Who could forget? Great name. She also wore a huge visor and called him my silly rabbit. Gross. Disgusting. Wasn't there a moment where she called him, she said, he's my silly rabbit. And then the interviewer said, is that a name you've often used for him? And she was like, no. Just a new one from right now.

From right now. The best. The greatest. All right. just a new one right from right now right now the greatest all right in 1997 at the wwf survivor series world champion brett hart went into the match thinking he was going to win but behind his back vince mcmahon and the other pro wrestler secretly plotted to have him lose as punishment for his choice to leave the company and for one weird pay-per-view, pro wrestling was legitimately real. I hope that's true.

Me too. It is! Yay! Hooray! I secretly love wrestling. Oh, same. I'm kind of very into it. Same.

Whenever I see wrestling, I just, I don't understand how everyone is pretending it's not the gayest thing. I happen to be on and there's all these ostensibly heteronormative men just rooting like crazy as two shirtless hot dudes just battle it out with sexual tension so thick you could slice it. It's wild. And the positions are all, they're Kama Sutra. Too much. I interviewed a ton of wrestlers this summer,

and they carry around spray bottles with them so they can always look moist. You got to oil up. You got to oil up. Next one. In 1971, pitcher Colt Fielding dropped acid and hallucinated that he threw a perfect no-hitter. But in reality, he strangled a mascot and had a seizure. I know that that's fake because I know about the LSD no-hitter. It's Doc Ellis.

It's amazing. Doc Ellis. Colt Fielding. Colt Fielding. What a name. What a great fake name or real name. Real name, fake name. Fake name.

But really good. Fielding. Sounds like a pitcher. Yeah, it sounds like a pitcher vibes. Yeah, for sure. All right. World pole vault champion Sean Barber avoided a two-year suspension for an anti-doping violation after inadvertently ingesting cocaine when kissing a woman he met on the internet.

Who hasn't done that? I mean. That's some kiss. Yeah. I don't think I understand cocaine. I don't think I understand kissing. Well. I'm saying false. Yes. Okay.

No, real. What? No, I read the wrong thing. Oh, wow. Twist. Whoa. Jeez. During the Sarajevo Winter Olympics, a top pairs duo from East Germany was suspected of poisoning the duo favored to win

just hours before competition. An investigation was never conducted into the incident. True. Why would there never be an investigation? No, it's fake. Oh, okay. That seems a little crazy. We live in a corrupt society.

I thought maybe they got away with it. These people might have poisoned somebody, but let's not get into it. I feel like the Olympics would totally do that. People pass and pee through little holes in Russian doors. I mean, I don't know. Okay, another Olympics one. In the 1992 Summer Olympics, fencing champion Dean Flowers was disqualified for making lightsaber noises with his mouth. That can't be true. That's so good, though. Whoever wrote that is just funny.

Okay. That's true. That's so good, though. Whoever wrote that is just funny. Who knows who your writer is here? Okay. When O.J. Simpson was on the bills, he purposely threw a game for the promise of a role in a movie. I think that's false. Yeah. I think that's false. He killed his wife. That is also false.

Yeah. All right. In 2012, one Olympian became the first double amputee to compete in the Olympic Games. One year later, he murdered his girlfriend. Oh. I know that that's Oscar Pistorius. Yeah. I know that that's Oscar Pistorius.

Nice. We haven't done that one yet, but we definitely got to do that one. That's wild. That story is wild. Just two in a row that killed their ladies. Is anyone keeping the score? Are you doing well? I'm doing so good. That story is wild. Just two in a row that killed their ladies. Is anyone keeping the score? Are you doing well? I'm doing so good.

You are doing great. In 2000, Catherine Patton was stripped of her gold medal when it was discovered that devil stick is not an Olympic sport. All right. Well, I'm going to say that that one's false. And were you hungry? Devil sticks that weird thing for the night. Yeah.

Oh, devil sticks. Kind of like hacky sack. Oh, I liked using those devil sticks. It's like, ooh, I could do a double flip. It's like people walked around campus. They're like, look at me. OK. Lisa Leslie allegedly hired child actors

to hang out with her eight-year-old daughter to make her seem more popular. Oh, no. I hope that's false, but I'm going to say true. It's fake. Thank goodness. Good. Who is the athlete?

Lisa Leslie. She's a WNBA player. Oh, okay. Well, I'm glad that if she has friends, they're real. Is this getting dark? I know. In 2015, a series of famous old oak trees on the campus of Auburn University were poisoned by a 62-year-old former state trooper who was mad that Auburn had beaten Alabama in

the Iron Bowl. Sadly, all the trees died. That's so specific. I'm going to say it's true. It is. Killed the trees? What a crazy thing. Horrifying.

I feel like I need to just chill out. I'm going to show those trees. I like this one. Johnny Menzel drunkenly pissed in a mop bucket in a restaurant kitchen with a video leaking of him saying, fuck Bill Clinton, mid-pee. Wow. If you knew Johnny. What a weird thing to yell.

Wow, pee. I mean, it's not a weird thing to think. Into a bucket. True. Almost. Like, fake. It was Justin Bieber. He did it.

But close. He yelled, fuck Bill Clinton. That's so funny. He doesn't know about Bill Clinton. He doesn't even know who that is. He was just saying it. Well, did I win? Sure.

I think. I won the game. Yeah. Yay. Welcome. We did it. Rachna, Rachel, thank you so much. And everybody, subscribe to Hall of Shame right now,

wherever you get your podcasts. Listen, if you're listening to this and you're working from home, you certainly have no excuse. Yeah. All right? Yeah. Thanks for having us. Thank you.

Thanks for being here. Bye. Bye. When we come back, the rent wheel. Thanks, Nar. Don't go anywhere. This is Love It or Leave It, and there's more on the way and we're back i mean just hall of shame i want to listen to that that sounds great it does sound great paul thank you for noticing i love the uh programming that's

happening here you know what yeah you know what? Earlier today, I highlighted that Paul was here. He's more than here. He's present. I'm present. He's here and he is present. Now is the time for the rant wheel. This week on the wheel we have, quote, I'm young so I'm fine, end quote. Local politics, Corona comedy,

St. Patrick's Day cancellation, blaming Liz Warren, testing failures, and Orange Cassidy. Alright, let's spin the wheel. What's going on? It has landed on local politics suggested by Paul. Yeah, I want to talk about this because, you know, obviously the primaries have been going on and I think it's so easy to get caught up in the big picture, right? We're talking about who do we want to be our next president?

We all know that we don't want Trump there. And there are, you know, people that have been, you know, closely aligned people, but we're attacking them because they're not exactly what we want them to be. And there's so much energy focus there. And I just want to make sure that we take one fourth of that energy, one fourth of that drive, one fourth of that passion, and put that into what is going on locally around us. Because this is where action is happening. Whether it's resolutions, it's people that are on your, you know, board of ed judges. We need to be informed.

And I'm on Twitter. I am on social media. I'm not seeing local guides going around enough. I mean, we're, everyone's pumping for their candidates and that's sort of like, it's like talking about friends. Yeah, I know what friends is, but give me, tell me about Fleabag. I want to know about the things in this. And today fucking Katie Porter is the perfect example of why we should be talking locally, because Katie Porter got there today and spoke to this issue that we're having about getting tested for COVID-19 and getting it to be free because the Department of Health has the right to do that. And I just it's something that I'm so passionate about and I'm moved by. And I just want us to the big picture is always there,

but the small picture and getting involved in that and really looking at what these people stand for, not just the day of and getting out there and campaigning for these people. They don't have the money. They don't have the phone banks. I just want people to get involved. I've gotten involved very locally and it's my issues that I find people that I've aligned myself with. And it's so fulfilling to see actual change, to see people who are believing it. And you'll empower people that will never think to run, to run, like Katie Porter, who was like a teacher and decided to do this. One example would be Virginia, that the work to flip that legislature took us from a situation in which Republicans were able to prevent Medicaid expansion, prevent gun control.

And by doing the work to flip that seat, we not only were able to take the legislature, we were able to put ourselves in a position to make sure redistricting happens in a way that is more fair, that actually represents the interests of people in Virginia. And we have to do that all across the country. And if you go to votesaveamerica.com and you sign up, you can find out ways that you can help with local races, you know, and you'll probably have to do it from your couch. But, hey, you can make calls for your candidates from your couch. But it's but this is what we should be doing. And, you know, my my wife wrote a book called Represent the Woman's Guide to Running for Office and Saving the World.

And it's so interesting that you can run. You can run locally. You don't need to have multimillion dollar campaigns and you can run. You can run locally. You don't need to have multi-million dollar campaigns and you can make a difference. And I think in a time in these last four years where everything seems desperate, there is a real breath of fresh air and excitement to me that lower level positions and these things that really can affect our daily lives are being changed and still need to be more changed. And I know you are very passionate about that as well. Yeah. All right. Let's spin it again.

Please let it be Corona comedy. It has landed on testing failures. And I wanted to talk about this because we've talked a lot about the absolute failure of the Trump administration. I do think it's like a criminal failure. I mean, it's truly like it is incredible that here we are so many weeks after the crisis as South Korea is testing people as they drive by. And we've been held back by the federal government. States, localities are trying to step up and fill the gap. But there are other failings that led to this. And I do think this is something a lot of Bernie

Sanders supporters have pointed out. And I do think this is incumbent upon us to make a part of this story. I was thinking about just-in-time inventory. And I don't know very much about it. The basic idea is there have been these advances in logistics that make it possible to have these supply chains that are incredibly sophisticated, that make sure the right thing is in the right place exactly at the right moment when you need it. That's true for whether it's manufacturing a computer, and it's true for what Amazon does to kind of move things in this incredibly sophisticated and efficient way across the country with all the ancillary harm that that does. But I was thinking about that as it relates to America in a moment of crisis like this. And

I just wrote these down, that these are some of the problems that people are facing right now, that kids can't miss school because that's where they get lunch. Workers who prepare food and clean floors don't have sick leave. Mothers have to figure out what to do with kids if those kids have to stay home from school when they have to work. Seniors who work because Social Security is not enough, deciding whether it's safe to go to their security job, go to their retail job, go to their greeter job, go to whatever part-time work they do at the office they used to work in just to pick up some extra hours and make ends meet. Parents that need both incomes and don't have any buffer if one parent loses a job or has their hours cut. Huge prison populations without the care or protections they need to protect themselves

and all of us, an economy that runs on undocumented labor, often people that have absolutely no financial security and no access to health care, and millions and millions of people who know that walking into a hospital with insurance or without insurance means they come away with a bill they cannot pay, as you pointed out, Katie Porter. Katie Porter pointed out how many millions of people can't afford a $400 unexpected payment, how dangerous that can be. We talk a lot about the health care system and how it's broken and how many people are

one accident or illness away from ruin. But I do think at this moment it's worth reflecting on just how much we've built an economy and a society with no buffer, no room, no slack, nothing can go wrong, no room for life. You know, Anthony Fauci, who has been a leading public health expert for his entire career, he's worked for all administrations. There was this question about what Anthony Fauci, this deeply respected bipartisan figure, would say about Donald Trump and whether he would stay on. And he did stay on. And I believe he stayed on so that he would be in the right place at the right time for a crisis like this. So he could be in position to tell the truth when we needed

somebody who we could trust to tell us the truth and good that he's there. But when he first decided to stay and work in the Trump administration, he was asked early on, you know, what are you worried about? And what he said he was worried about is he was worried about a flu and he was worried about the disease that might come out of left field. And he talked about all the steps he thought we needed to take to be ready for that, some of which, a vast majority of which we hadn't done, some of which we didn't do during the Obama administration, during the Bush administration, during previous administrations, and some of which Donald Trump decided to undo once he became president. This is an unprecedented moment. The NBA shut down, they closed Disneyland, no Mr. Toads. But there's a lot of people who said this day would come,

that we would build such an interconnected society and that there would be another flu, there would be another pandemic and we wouldn't be ready. And we're here now and we're not ready. And America is uniquely unready for a moment like this, not just because we have a fucking incompetent TV narcissist in the White House who is more concerned about the stock market and his reelection than doing the right thing, even in the moment. But also because as a society, we have not done enough to protect ourselves and each other to build a stable system in which we acknowledge that everyone gets sick and everyone is vulnerable and that it comes for all of us. And whether it's Joe Biden or Bernie Sanders, if we want to be a society that's ready for the next pandemic and ready for the quotidian disasters that come for all of us, it's about pressing everyone, whether they agree with us now or not, to take the steps after this crisis is over so that the next time it comes, we're not talking about whether a kid is going to get food at school or food at home, whether a person who makes food for a living is going to have to go to work sick because they

don't have an alternative. And I think facing that is going to be really hard, but it's what we have to do. But I did want to return to something that Paul said, which is, you know, in the midst of all this, there have been people that have really been stepping up. You know, in 2018, we got together, we rallied behind a group of California House seats called the Cricket Seven. We flipped every single one of those seats, including one in Orange County, one by Katie Porter. We always have loved Katie Porter. But on Thursday morning, she was interrogating a Trump public health official, and she said this. Will you commit to invoking your existing authority under 42 CFR 71.30 to provide for coronavirus testing

for every American regardless of insurance coverage. What I was trying to say is that CDC is working with HHS now to see how we operationalize that. Dr. Redfield, you don't need to do any work to operationalize. You need to make a commitment to the American people so they come in to get tested. You can operationalize the payment structure tomorrow. I think you're an excellent questioner, so my answer is yes. Excellent. Everybody in America hear that.

You are eligible to go get tested for coronavirus and have that covered regardless of insurance. Please, if you believe you have the illness, follow precautions. Call first. Do everything the CDC and Dr. Fauci, God bless you, for guiding Americans in this time. But do not let a lack of insurance worsen this crisis. So I just encourage everybody to go watch that full clip. But it's incredible, right? Just by dint of talent and pressure and preparedness.

We're in a moment that requires people to be heroes. And that's a shame, right? That a system that requires heroes to do basic things, to get basic functions of government done is a system that's broken. But as long as we're in a situation where we need people like Katie Porter, we're so lucky that there are people like Katie Porter in place. And as we look at the next six months and we don't know what it's going to look like, and there's a lot of uncertainty and a lot of misinformation, a lot of chaos and a lot of noise, I think it's worth just remembering that there are people fighting to do the right thing. And we can help make sure that they stay in power and that more of them are in power. And we can send Donald Trump and his people

back to the sewer of our culture where they came from. And whatever else is going on, we just need to keep our eyes on that. Can I say one thing in addition to what you're saying too? I think there's an underlying thing here too, which is like, believe scientists, believe science, believe our doctors, our people who are spending their lives researching

exactly what this could be, what they're seeing in the future. And we're seeing this, you know, I don't know, not to open up about climate change, but there are so many things where scientists are trying to wave their hands and say, over here, please, please, please. And at this point, we're in a pandemic and it's still not getting through i'll tell you something you know you saying that it's worth thinking about the last two months as climate change as a century of climate change sped up over a matter of weeks because it went from being on something on nobody's mind to something that a lot of people wanted to pretend was someone else's problem far away that

wouldn't come for us. Then there was this period of denial, pretending that it would never be as bad as the naysayers would say, pretending that anyone suggesting that a pandemic was coming was political, ignoring the science, disregarding experts. And then all of a sudden it's here. And it's as bad as people feared. And it's causing the changes people feared. And even inside of this crisis right now, we are still in a situation where there are serious scientists being backed up by Democrats and other serious minded people fighting against a Republican administration and its allies that simply do not care enough to do the right thing. And it's worth pointing out that if you see this as an analogy for climate change, it does point out just how hard that's going to be and how much it's going to be incumbent upon us to fight

even as it becomes more and more clear. Wow, well, that's a new bummer. Yeah. A new bummer to draw from this week. All I've been thinking about. Exciting. Anyway, Black Monday Season 2

premieres this Sunday, and it's going to be so much fun, John. You've got to check out Black Sunday. You're sitting at home. Black Monday on Sunday. Yeah, Black Monday on Sunday.

And no, it was not a marketing stunt by Showtime to tank the stock market to Black Monday levels today to coincide with the show's launch on Sunday. It's a tie-in. It's a tie-in. It's a viral marketing. It's a tie-in. It's like one of them tie-in. It's a tie-in. It's a viral marketing. It's a tie-in. It's like one of them tie-ins. You know, one of those big tie-ins. Yeah.

It was so lovely to be here with you. Thank you, Paul. Thank you for coming into our studio show. Thanks for coming down to the bunker. Yeah, it was lovely to be here. Thank you, Michaela. Thank you, everybody. Thank you, Paul. Thank you, Paul.

Thank you, Rechna and Rachel. Subscribe to Hall of Shame. Watch Black Monday. Sundays. Which is on Sunday. That's where you're going to want it. Look, could you put a show like Black Monday on Monday? You could.

You could. You could, but then you get a lot of people who's going to see it by accident. Exactly. We're putting us on. You're watching the series finale of Homeland. We're on against that. Look, it's now time to re-up your streaming subscriptions because there's not much else going on hey you're going to be streaming a lot all right catch up on season one get busy streaming all right you can't catch

coronavirus yeah our show our show will not give you coronavirus i can guarantee that if you stay in the safety of your own home you will not get Corona from watching the season premiere of Black Monday on Showtime. And that's a promise you can take to the bank. That's our show. Thank you, Paul. Thank you, all of our guests. Thank you to the improv for being so understanding and I'm sure are dealing with a lot.

Thanks to everybody who stayed around the studio to get this done. 233 days until the election. Sign up for Vote Save America right fucking now. Love It or Leave It is a product of Crooked Media. It is written and produced by me, John Lovett, Elisa Gutierrez,

Lee Eisenberg, and our head writer, former Mike Bloomberg speechwriter, Travis Helwig. Jocelyn Kaufman, Alicia Carroll, and Peter Miller are the writers.

Bill Lance is our audio editor and Stephen Colon is our sound engineer. Sydney Rapp is our assistant producer Thank you.