Lovett or Leave It - Straight to the Golden Dome

Episode Date: May 24, 2025

Trump trades the Golden Arches for the Golden Dome, America wakes up to a big, new beautiful bill, and Kristi Noem puts habeas corpus on the slab. This week, Aisha Tyler and Paul Feig leave us shaken and stirred when they stop by to talk cocktails, cinema, and car accidents, and the audience takes us off the beaten path, and straight down the sociopath.For a closed-captioned version of this episode, click here. For a transcript of this episode, please email [e-mail] and include the name of the podcast. 

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welcome to love it or leave it live at dynasty typewriter the Trump administration is walking all international students from Harvard. A bad day for the rule of law. A great day for Americans who are part of the waitlist community. Waitlisted Americans treated like pariahs, their stress and sadness often ignored. Who will speak for waitlisted Americans? Could it be someone who is waitlisted by Harvard, Stanford and Yale? Twice? Twice?

Twice? We've got a great show for you tonight. Paul Feig is here. Aisha Tyler is here. We'll toast some wedding dilemmas, cure the crisis of our most deranged audience members, then reveal their greatest crimes. But first, let's get into it. What a week.

On Sunday, former president Joe Biden announced that he had been diagnosed with Sage IV prostate cancer which had metastasized to his bones. Now, before we go forward with this section of the monologue, we do want everyone here to rest assured this portion will be monitored by the joke police. Ladies and gentlemen, the joke police. Officer.

All right. President Biden's medical disclosure came amidst a fierce debate over his fitness for office and the decision to seek reelection sparked by the release of Jake Tapper and Alex Thompson's new book, Imagine the Undetected Cancer, watching the debate in June from deep within Biden's prostate amazed that it's not his biggest problem. I gotta take it. She got me. On Friday Axios released audio from Biden's interview with special counsel Robert Herr in which he could be heard struggling to

recall when his son died, when he left office as vice president, and when Trump was elected. And yeah, understandably a bad look, but please never release the audio of literally anyone asking me to recall events from 2018 onward. What year did I have a skirt phase? Was it last week? Who's to say? Certainly not me.

David Axelrod suggested on CNN that given Biden's diagnosis, there ought to be a strategic pause in this debate. Yeah, well, I mean, I think those conversations are going to happen, but they should be more muted and set aside for now as he's struggling through this. And we collectively honored that sense of decorum for a beautiful 24 hours, like the Germans and British playing soccer between the trenches on Christmas

before getting back to throwing mustard gas at each other. Republicans of course immediately went to conspiracy mode. Hours after Biden's office announced his diagnosis, Don Jr. wrote on X, what I want to know is how did Dr. Jill Biden miss stage five metastatic cancer or is this yet another coverup? I don't know what Don Jr. thinks a healthy marriage requires, he's obviously struggled to find one, but while a wife regularly rooting around in her husband's asshole is often part of a joyful and successful partnership, it is neither necessary nor sufficient. Vice President JD Vance was asked about Biden's diagnosis on Monday on his way home from meeting

the new pope. I will say whether the right time to have this conversation is now or at some point in the future, we really do need to be honest about whether the former president was capable of doing the job. Continued Vance, anyway, it seems like the pope liked me, right? I think this one likes me. He did wipe his hands on his vestments after he shook my hand, but everyone does that because of my natural claminess.

Speaking of having bodies, while testifying before the Senate Homeland Security and Government Affairs Committee on Tuesday, Homeland Secretary Kristi Noem offered up this definition of habeas corpus. So Secretary Noem, what is habeas corpus? Well, habeas corpus is a constitutional right that the president has to be able to remove people from this country and suspend their right to... Let me stop you ma'am. Habeas corpus, excuse me,

that's incorrect. She doesn't know what habeas corpus is. This is not fair to say. I want to be clear that what I'm about to say is not fair. But like maybe some of that filler migrated to her brain. And that doesn't seem right because it's all clearly right where she put it. I don't know if this is right. That's intense. That's like an intense difference. These are different fucking faces. And I don't really want to make this

about someone's appearance, but a little part of me does. In part because she's not, like, she doesn't know what habeas corpus is, but she's doing rounds of dress up to go stand in front of fucking prisoners or to, to cosplay as an ICE officer. Meanwhile, she has no idea what her constitutional responsibilities are. It's all a big fucking show. She also killed a dog once. Tough weekend news. Also on Tuesday, Secretary of State Marco Rubio had a spicy exchange with Maryland Senator Chris Van Hollen over the administration's extra-legal deportations and foreign aid cuts. I have to tell you directly and personally that I regret voting for you for Secretary of State. I yield back. May I respond? You may say. Well first of all

your regret for voting for me confirms I'm doing a good job based on what I know. That's just a flip in statement Mr. Secretary. It's like alright he's like trying to come up with a comeback, but like, then were you mad he voted for you in the first place? Was that a sign you didn't do a good job? If he had been happy with the job that you were doing, you would have been not doing a good job? So it seems like when you got 98 votes or whatever the fuck you got, that was a problem?

I don't think so. It's not that I was spun at the time. Imagine thinking that your humanity would mean anything to Marco Rubio. To Rubio, Van Hollen is like the people in front of me on the drive-through line at Starbucks. Your lives mean nothing to me and your deaths mean even less. Nevada Senator Jackie Rosen, meanwhile, said she wasn't mad, just disappointed. I'm going to embrace my Jewish mother instincts for a moment. So as a mother, a senator, and a fellow human being, I can tell you that I'm not even mad

anymore about your complicity in this administration's destruction of US global leadership. I'm simply disappointed and I wonder if you're proud of yourself in this moment when you go home to your family. And and before you do go home to your family here's an envelope filled with stamp postcards already addressed to me so you could write me if you ever bored and remember I exist. It's a Jewish grandmother move from camp. They all know this guy. They actually can't believe it.

It's interesting. It's interesting though, like, I do think there's like a genuine shock to see someone like Marco Rubio be as depraved in different to the truth, as Trumpy as he's become because I think they expect that from the Don Juniors, obviously the Bannon types all around him. But Marco Rubio was supposed to be one of the good ones. They voted for him because they thought, oh, you know what?

Yeah, he's crazy, but he's gonna have somebody like Marco Rubio in that job. We know him. We know him. We dealt with him. He's a reasonable person. We know him privately. We know how much he has talked at length about how terrible Donald Trump is. We know that because he ran against him because he told you to tell the truth about Donald Trump. We know that to this day, Marco Rubio still does not in any way go on record saying Donald Trump ought to be in charge of nuclear weapons. So they

think, oh, that'll be our guy. That'll be someone we can rely on. So it must be shocking to see him be this person. But it's a reminder that the real Marco Rubio is not the one that is behind the scenes, that knows that what he's doing is wrong, that tells the truth. This is the real Marco Rubio. It's in public when he actually has to say what he stands for. That's the real him. And I think that must be shocking for them. But maybe that's because they were a little too comfortable, right? That they were a little too willing to believe something about someone because they liked him interpersonally. Maybe that's a weakness on their part.

There's a lot of Jews who thought, well, they're our neighbors. The Justice Department has reportedly reached... LAUGHTER It's not the same. It has a similar contour. The Justice Department has reportedly reached a tentative agreement to pay a $5 million settlement to the family of slain Capitol rioter Ashley Babbitt to be paid for by us, the taxpayers.

And I say it's worth every penny. Okay. Okay. This is deez nuts. Two tickets in one show. Fuck. On Tuesday, Trump unveiled, I once got two tickets in the same day for texting while driving.

That's just something that happened to me once, and I'm the villain, I'm not saying I deserved it. I was caught, just caught, just, one of them was so bad. I was just like texting, I had a red, it was red, I was at a red light, I just look up and there's just a fucking cop. And how do you say, like I won't do it again,

because I'm also saying please, I just got one of these. And it's like, well I obviously didn't learn my, it's like what's the right story here? I'll never do it again, or do I kind of fall on my sword and say it's my second one because clearly I didn't learn my Lesson from the first one either way I deserve the ticket Don't text and try it's very bad on Tuesday Trump unveiled plans to shield America from foreign attacks by building a golden dome and

Missile defense shield which he said would be fully operational by the end of his term Which can only be proven false if his term ends so he's got us there let's take a look once fully constructed the Golden Dome will be capable of intercepting missiles even if they are launched from other sides of the world and even if they are launched from space and we will have the best system ever built. Trump priced the dome at $175 billion, but the Congressional Budget Office estimates it could cost as much as $542 billion.

Not that that would stop Trump. He's no stranger to paying top dollar for dome. Speaking of guys with big domes, Trump has called for a major investigation home. Speaking of guys with big domes, Trump has called for a major investigation into Bruce Springsteen as well as Beyonce, Oprah Winfrey and Bono over their support for Kamala Harris in the election. Trump won, he got exactly what he wanted and he's still so mad. He's like me at the beach. Said Bruce Springsteen to Bono upon hearing the news,

oh no, you too? Just a warning for that one. Also this week, Trump met with South African president Cyril Ramaphosa during which Trump repeated his false claims that there has been mass murders of white Afrikaners lashing out at Ramaphosa for fact checking him and played videos meant to support his lies. What would it take for you to be convinced that there's no white genocide in South Africa? Well, I can answer that for the President. It will take President Trump listening to the voices of South Africans, some of whom are his good friends. I would say if there was a Frikaner farmer genocide,

I can bet you these three gentlemen would not be here. We have thousands of stories talking about it. We have documentaries, we have news stories. And is Natalie here, somebody here to turn that? Turn the lights down and just put this on. It's right behind you. Uh, this is called uncle maxing, which is when you interrupt a conversation at Thanksgiving to show your niece who's home from Oberlin, an AI generated video of Caitlyn Jenner beating

Riley Gaines in an MMA fight. Trump also freaked out at NBC's Peter Alexander for asking about the Qatari bribery jet. The Pentagon announced that it would be accepting a Qatari jet to be used as Air Force One. Perhaps you... What are you talking about? I like it. Can we have a South African question?

What is the question? Is NBC trying to get off the subject of what you just saw? A South African question? You are a real... You know, you're a terrible reporter. Can we have a South African question, please? Number one, you don't have what it takes to be a reporter. You're not smart enough.

But go back... You ought to go back to your studio at NBC because Brian Roberts and the people that run that place, they ought to be investigated. They are so terrible the way you run that network. And you're a disgrace. No more questions for me. Jesus. No more questions for you. Off with your heads. He's like our very own queen of farts And again just for the for the podcast listeners you're just missing a lot on the YouTube We got you're missing the Joke police. We got the queen of farts image It's a visual show, too

This week the official ex account for Melania Trump revealed that the audiobook version of her memoir, Melania, will be narrated by an AI-generated imitation of her voice. Those with early access to the recording report that the AI Melania sounds affectless, unnatural, and 100% authentic. Speaking of modern abominations, Trump put the lean on House Republicans to pass his one big beautiful bill to throw millions of people off Medicaid in order to pay for tax cuts to the richest human beings on earth. And what better time to debate this bill than in the middle of the goddamn night. Here's Congressman Jim McGovern pissed.

This is a farce, an outrageous insult to the people of this country to bring up a 1000 page bill at one o'clock in the morning, a bill that's still being written by the way by Republicans as we speak in a back room somewhere for God's sake, and then to try to jam it through Congress in the middle of the night when nobody is watching is just unbelievably cynical. This is why people hate Washington. Also the humidity. As you can imagine the gerontocracy is not built for pre-dawn committing meetings. Here's Republican Ralph Norman falling asleep.

He's gone. He's gone. When he woke up, he made sure the congressional record reflected that it was a sex dream. I don't know why. I don't know why he did that. Even Republican Tom Massey spoke out against the package. If something is beautiful, you don't do it after midnight. I oppose this bill. Yeah, that's when the Uggos get their turn to fuck. This guy knows what I'm talking about. Wake up Ralph, I'm killing it out here.

What else, what else? In the end, Trump and Mike Johnson were victorious and the bill passed 215 to 214 in a vote early Thursday morning with two Republicans voting no, including Massey, and one voting present. Mike Johnson said Congressman Dave Schweikart and Andrew Garbarino missed the vote unintentionally but would have sided with the GOP and that Garbarino didn't vote because he, and this is real, fell asleep. Andrew Garbarino did not make it in time. He fell asleep in the back.

No kidding, I know. I'm gonna just strangle him, but, and then. I'm just gonna have no choice but to make him pay a price. Gonna have to wrap my hands around him and squeeze until he begs me to stop, said heterosexual speaker of the house, Mike Johnson. Just gonna have to strangle him. It's been a bad boy, naughty.

He'll be punished. Mark my words, there'll be hell to pay. Johnson's caucus may have been asleep, but Hakeem Jeffries has had a bigger challenge. His caucus is dead. Three Democratic Congress people people all past 70 years old have died in office this year which means Republicans needed one fewer vote to pass this terrible bill in fact all eight of the most recent senators or members of Congress to die in office have been Democrats but where would you

have them die in their beds waiting for their children to call like my parents will. Such a fuck. I'll be hearing about that on my weekly call with my mother. Here's my plan. Once a member of Congress reaches the age of 80, we'll just place them outside the golden dome to accept whatever fate may bring. Death or exile, beyond the Golden Dome. According to the Congressional Budget Office, the bill's cuts will likely lead to 13.7 million people losing health insurance by 2034, but the government has a plan to bring down health

care costs long before that. Every American, no matter where they live, gets a free plane ticket to Newark International Airport. The bill also rapidly phases out a bunch of money for clean energy projects like wind and solar farms, including many that were already being built. But on the bright side, the Trump administration does have a plan to help each of us reduce our carbon footprint over time. A free one-way plane ticket to Newark International Airport. The bill does make good on ending taxes on tips, overtime, and car loan interests, but only through 2028.

And after that, it's Joe Biden's problem. The state of Hollywood legend Orson Welles announced that you can now hear the AI-generated voice of the late actor and director narrate location-based stories for you on the storytelling app Story Rabbit. Finally, said no one, Orson Welles can narrate my AI-created location-based stories for me on Story Rabbit. What the fuck is that? Speaking of nightmares, 10,000 baby chicks

stranded in a USPS mail truck for three days overwhelmed a Delaware animal shelter. Some of you ate chicken today. Kind of fucking bullshit, fake, aesthetic objection. Several hundred thousand chickens were murdered on purpose today. Aesthetic objection. Several hundred thousand chickens were murdered on purpose today. Aw.

No. Nothing. Caesar wraps. The incident is believed to have snowballed after the intended recipient lost their quacking number. Ah. Fucking joke police, Can't trust them. When you need them, where are they?

Nowhere. You know, they're always there when you don't need them. You need a joke police, nowhere to be fucking found. 4,000 of the chickens that die in the van. And finally, actor George Wendt, best known for playing Norm on the classic 80s sitcom Cheers died this week at age 76. But that's the story of life. George came, George went.

Thank you. I tell ya, under Trump, Norms are dying left and right. Alright, oh no. She's throwing the book at me. All right coming up. It's Paul Feig and Aisha Tyler Hey don't go anywhere there's more of love it or leave it coming up This show is sponsored by better help. It's so important to maintain your mental health and It's nice that societal views on therapy have evolved through the years. Sure have.

You know, when Tony Soprano went to therapy, it was frowned upon from mobster of his stature. Now they're all in therapy, all of them. Mental health awareness is growing, but there's still progress to be made. 26% of Americans who participated in a recent survey said they had avoided seeking mental health support due to fear of judgment.

When people hesitate to get help, it doesn't just affect them. It impacts families, workplaces, and entire communities. This Mental Health Awareness Month, let's encourage everyone to take care of their wellbeing and break the stigma. The world is better when people are healthy and happy. We're therapy boys.

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She hunts criminal minds, he needs a simple favor and I remain criminally simple minded. That's not nice. Please welcome to the stage Aisha Tyler and Paul Beane. Hi. Welcome. Thanks for being here. Welcome. I'm very excited. Yay.

Come on in. Hi everybody. This is so fancy. Hello everybody. This is fancy. This is nice. Love it. I'm so excited.

You both have liquor brands. We do. We have a lot of liquor brands. We have a lot of liquor brands. We have a lot of liquor brands. We have a lot of liquor brands. We have a lot of liquor brands. We have a lot of liquor brands. We have a lot of liquor brands. We have a lot of liquor brands. We have fancy. This is nice. Love it.

I'm so excited. We have, you both have liquor brands. We do. So we thought we could drink during the show. There we go. I mean, there's always a reason to drink. Any excuse. Any excuse.

Happy, sad, divorce. Or marriage. Or marriage. I mean, there's always a reason to drink. They get you coming and going with alcohol. They really do. I mean, is it them or is it you? I know it's me. I think it's me. Yeah. So, Aisha, you have a company called Lawsophy. Yeah. That's

Margarita's. Yes. And Paul, you grew up in a Christian science household. Yes I did. They love alcohol. Lots of booze. Which alcohol is found upon. And now you try to convince people who might not like, think they don't like gin, to try gin. Exactly. Which is sort of like Christian anti-science or anti-Christian, it's the other direction.

You're sort of a diabolical in a sense. Yes. Is there a demon you're fighting, or is this an alcohol brand meant to say something to your parents in some ways. Is there a demon you're fighting? Is this an alcohol brand meant to say something to your parents in some ways? Is there something deeper going on? It means my parents caskets are hovering over the city right now as they spin in their graves. No, I've always loved adult culture and growing up as a Christian scientist, it was kind of

like, well, that's kind of a buzzkill on the stuff I think I wanted to when I get older because when I was a kid I got taken by my parents to Las Vegas if they went to see a Muhammad Ali fight I was only like five and I thought I was going to go with them and of course I was immediately deposited into a nursery but the nursery was at the the the Dunes Hotel and it was a sliding glass door that looked out onto the casino floor. Oh, indoctrinate them early. Exactly, free cigarettes. Keep the kids calm. But I remember sitting there, my face pressed up

against the window with all these other stupid kids I didn't know, watching all these adults drinking martinis and smoking and then tuxedos, and I was like, I want that. And so I've never given up on that. That's so beautiful. Was your gateway drug out of Christian science Tylenol or Advil? Ah-ha.

Coca-Cola. There you go. It was science, actually. It was actual science. And my mother, very kindly, because she was always very cool, because I got really into science when I was about 14 or 15,

and she said, I know you're going to have a hard time trying to pick between religion and science and I'd back you up whichever way you want to go. Oh, that's lovely. Yeah, that's very sweet. That's lovely. Leaning into the science part of Christian science. Exactly, and then she poured me a drink

and we really had a good time. Smoked this whole pack of cigarettes in the next 10 minutes. If you're going the other way, go. Aisha. Yes. Criminal minds. Yes. Criminal minds. Yes.

Is there ever a moment where there's like a plot and you think, no, rein it in, this has gone too far. The minds are too criminal. No, and the horrible thing is it's kind of the opposite. Like they do so much market research for that show. Every single story is based in a real story. So typically I'm just like, there is a guy out there sticking needles up somebody's urethra

or whatever it is that week. I mean, always, always, hey guys, it's science, okay? I didn't make it up. This is science. It's, and so like that's, it's more alarming than anything. Like, we're working on something right now, we're filming right now and they're like, they're like, this is based on that thing, and I was like,

I read that story! So it's, yeah, this is always, it's always grounded in real criminal cases. So Mandy Patinkin appeared in the first two seasons of Criminal Minds, and he said that being in Criminal Minds was quote, destructive to my soul and my personality because he never thought they were going to kill all these women week after week, year after year.

Are you worried about your one precious soul, or is Mandy Patinkin a delicate little Broadway baby? I mean, I do think you have to work really hard to kind of separate like, you know, the experience at work with your own personal psyche. Because the show was super dark. It is super dark. It is super dark. But this is weird. There are real people profiling. There are real people doing this work.

They are tracking down serial killers. They are building these files, not just on ones that they've caught, but kind of on the, you know, you guys watch Mindhunter. I mean, this is a real job. So whenever I'm doing it, I think I need to honor the real government employees that are out there trying to keep the rest of us safe.

They exist, despite the president's, you know, entreaties to the contrary. And it's a thankless job, and it's very low paying, and they're trying to, like, keep a bad guy from climbing in your, you know, your bedroom window and stealing your cervix or your foreskin. I don't know what he's after. They have very arcane tastes, you know?

Escargot, foreskin, whatever. Good job trying to steal my foreskin. I don't know what he's after. They have very arcane tastes, you know? Escargot, foreskin, whatever. Good job trying to steal my foreskin. You're gonna have to go to a hospital on the Upper East Side 42 years ago. That's your needed time machine to get that bad boy. Coiled your little plot. Wait, when do we want to do this? Come on, Moyle, give up the foreskins. Do we want to? Oh, I guess it was a moil. They didn't even do it in a hospital. Barbaric and fine. Should we pour? Should we pour?

Should we have some of these drinks? Yes, I'm also really excited because I've never tried Paul's drink and I'm really excited. I love gin. And I haven't tried yours. And so we're gonna, this is gonna be a home and away. Let's do it.

And you get to have them both, yeah. Oh, that's exciting. All right. All right, so we've got a margarita. This is a margarita. What kind of gin cocktail are you gonna make? I'm gonna make a straight up martini. Dude, I think we should do your drink first.

Oh really? Because I really think a martini is like a party starter. It is a starter, a starter drink, exactly. You know what happens when you have one margarita and then two margaritas. Oh boy, I know, look out. The moil shows up uninvited. There you go.

Gets over this foreskin. Another foreskin loss, exactly. I sang that song recently. Did you? Like at karaoke or to your mom? No, on the podcast. It didn't, I heard about it from my mother. Oh, I love her so much.

Yeah. I feel like it's unfinished, the song itself. Cause you know what I mean? Like it only has like the same verse over and over and over again. And I feel like 12 or 13 margaritas in, like, you know, maybe you've depleted your child's college fund or. Yeah, 14 margaritas in like, you know, maybe you've depleted your child's college fund or yeah 14 margaritas

I'm in family court Margaritas I'm under your bed, you know And I and I'm performing loyal services without a license and I'm sucking up making very dry martinis No, just gonna you gonna say? No, I was just gonna say for anybody, the perfect martini to me is, I should be icing these glasses, I'm not going to, but generally ice your glasses first. Everything very cold.

Very cold, it has to be very cold. But use a very, very small amount of vermouth. You have to use vermouth. A lot of people say, oh, just look at the bottle, don't put it on. No, you have to have some, because it's like having, you're being a whiskey lover, you have to put a little drop into a single malt

of water sometimes. Just to have it bloom. Open it up. So that's what you want with it. So I just did that. I have a question for you about martinis because I love a classic gin martini and I feel like something happened over the years.

Two things happened. One, it became, vodka or gin became an option and so you have to say gin martini, which I'm sure bugs. Vodka is not a martini. Thank you, Thank you. Vodka is a glass of vodka you Philistine. Yes. It's either a martini or a vodka martini but if you ask a bartender and they say gin or vodka you go and you walk away because he doesn't know what he's doing. He doesn't know what he's doing. Just call him a clown and stomp out. Yeah, you fucking clown. You fucking clown! You fucking clown.

I'll take my business elsewhere, elsewhere. That's right, I dare you, sir. When I drink my thing that makes my brain forget. And then the other thing that I notice is I feel like it became sophisticated to... Like, to say a martini was dry, or like an extra dry martini, was like a performance of sophistication,

as if ordering a glass of ice cold gin is more sophisticated than having one with vermouth in it. Well, yeah, I mean, it's this old thing of like, like Churchill was like, you know, it's so dry, look across the room at the bottle and that's it. No, it's not really a martini. But people get mad when you go like up with a twist, but that's how it has to be. Very dry up with a twist.

Now, you, um... I'm trying to make a martini with a microphone. You know, if I had this actual skill, I would never leave the house, but that's all I'll do. Thank you so much. It's a visual joke for those at home. That's why you got to subscribe to the YouTube. Please subscribe to the YouTube.

It's really the directional change that I'm learned by. Then it went off. Well, so, Asia, while Paul is zesting a lemon... Exactly. And getting zesty himself... Oh. I loved Archer. Thank you. Oh, my gosh. Thank you very much. I loved Archer. Thank you!

Oh my god. Thank you very much. Yay! Me too. Live action movie. Oh god, I would do anything. I mean, we all want to make a movie. We all want to make a movie. We all resemble our characters very closely, obviously,

except for H. John Benjamin, which, if he was here, he would go, ha ha ha, yeah yeah. But yeah, we would love to do it. And I would love for John to play Ar here. He'll go ha ha ha. Yeah. Yeah, but um, but yeah We would love to do it and I would love for John to play Archer. I think that would be perfect Yeah, yeah, we you know, I mean we're just waiting for somebody to pick up the phone I think the you know, it's definitely, you know, 14 seasons at a movie is what we're chasing right now for sure Yeah, that'll be awesome. Yeah. Yeah, who do we call? Get John Voight involved

Voight John Voight on the blower John Voight's trying to figure out how to open his bottle of inshore. Oh god. That was mean. That was nasty. How dare you. Where is the joke police? That's, you're talking about the ambassador to Hollywood. I am barely. Ambassador voice. Self-anointed ambassador. It's been a long time since he got eaten by that snake. I deserve a ticket for that. I deserve, I do. I deserve to be cited. He once got eaten by a snake I that's that is one of the greatest films of all time by the way It's good. It doesn't hold up at all But you're just shocked as you're watching and how enjoyable it is even as you're saying to yourself I should be put in jail for watching this movie. It's so bad. He comes out and he winks He comes out of the snake and he winks at you

Cheers everybody He comes out of this naked and he winks at you. There you go. Wow, look at this. Oh, cheers. Cheers, I love it. Cheers, everybody. Cheers, thank you. I feel like Le Chiffre. Oh wow. Yes. Oh wow. Yes, I'm a big Bond fan.

That's so fancy. He's a cool Bond villain. Oh, it's delicious. Your gin is so tasty. Thank you. This is great. You like it? I do really like it.

I genuinely like it. It's my one superpower. I make okay movies, but I make a great martini. Wow. It's how the third act on this. It's really fun because there was another gin in the first Simple Favor. And I was like the bottle changed. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. It was yours and I recognized the bottle right away. It's beautiful. It's a beautiful bottle. Now I just shamelessly put my gin in all my movies. You're like, we don't need to get anybody a sign or release for this thing.

Exactly. What's it called? We didn't even see the name. It's called Arting Stalls. And that was my mother's maiden name. So I wanted it to sound, thank you. I wanted it to sound like it was an old, like English one that had been around for 150 years.

But your mother didn't drink? No. Wow. What a tribute. What a lovely tribute to my Christian Science mother. And next up, there's also going to be a meth name for your father. Yes, exactly.

Literally doing a double salchow in her grave right now. But you know what's, this has a very nice roundness to it. There's some florality. It's real. I've actually never had, this is, I'm so dogmatic. I only ever get an olive based martini. I've actually never had one with a lemon in it. I always think that it's a Vesper when I see lemon. No, I'm so dogmatic, I only ever get an olive based martini. I've actually never had one with a lemon in it. I always think that it's a Vesper when I see lemon.

No, my family, I think martinis should be bright. And that's why that's my only beef with a dirty martini is I think it becomes great. It's a little murky. A little heavy, yeah. And so I like, et cetera, it just brightens everything up, makes it happy. This is great.

I have to drive home. Okay. I'll be following you. Just don't text when you do it. Don't text and drive. Paul. Yes. You directed a famous episode of Mad Men.

Yes. Where Betty shoots at the birds. What do you think we should do about guns? Thanks for that light question, John. I'm not a gun person. I'm terrified of guns. Whenever in my movies we have to have a gun, I'm just like, okay, somebody else take that.

And now fortunately we just do the rubber guns. Yeah, like real guns are over. Yeah, exactly. Because of what happened. Yeah, it's all. It was kind of already over a little bit before that, but I feel like that was the final straw. Well, you still hang on, like, oh, I want the kick and I want the smoke,

but it's like, forget it. No, it's not worth it. I watched a movie recently where they just shouldn't have guns at all because they didn't have the money to make the rubber guns look like real guns. And it was spectacularly, exactly. And like they said they were just like pasting in like the muzzle flashes. Oh, yeah. And it looked very much like a 70s like Batman and in like the, you know, the muzzle flashes. And it looked very much like a 70s, like Batman and Robin, like boom, pow. Maybe you guys should just kung fu fight.

Don't gotta, yeah, you don't gotta touch that up. Steven Spielberg took the guns out of ET and replaced them with walkie talkies. What, what, wow, like in his garage? Digitally, yeah. That's exactly how I'm gonna take aviation out of the first simple favor. Yeah, yeah.

Arting stalls in again. Yeah, arting stalls replace aviation gin. Or you just have to be like, Pah, where's our arting stalls? Just have AI do it. So speaking of, Paul, you said that you wouldn't do a sequel, but that they broke your sequel rule

to make another simple favor. Are we gonna see a Ghostbusters 2 rise in the machines? Only to piss off the entire Manosphere and Donald Trump maybe. There's literally tape of Donald Trump going another Ghostbusters are women what's going on? I mean that's you know it was that level of stupidity. Focus on those high-level you know sociopolitical global issues. The president. No, no, no, he's got more important things to talk about. Yep, absolutely. What made you break your your sequel role? I love Blake and Anna and I love the the simple favor move. The first one we did and I love those characters and it was like, I think there's a fun thing to be had with them taking

them to Italy. Right. So they were so I mean, what was fun was they had evolved so much like that dynamic and those personalities had grown so much from the first Italy. Right. So, yeah. And they were so, I mean, what was fun was they had evolved so much, like that dynamic and those personalities had grown so much from the first movie. Yeah. And it was very sexy. Well, thank you. Yeah. It was very sexy and glamorous. Thank you for watching.

Yeah. I loved it. I loved it. I have to ask about the elephant in the room, which is this. Is Blake Lively really five foot 10? Yes, she is. And that's without heels too two I'm always looking up at Blake basically, it's crazy. What's been going on? What were their heels? Yeah with the heels? I know it's great all the other parts of it There's a big scandal happening. I know there is I mean, it's all I don't know. You know, let's have another drink

Oh, I wanted to ask you this Paul because I because I want you to settle a bet, and here's the bet. Is Freaks and Geeks based on Chippewa High School in Michigan or Tsaiyoset High School on Long Island? Because I went to Tsaiyoset High School with Judd. With Judd, I was going to say. Yeah, we both went to Tsaiyoset. Well, guess what, guys? It's based on my high school, Chippewa Valley.

So it's not based on Tsaiaset? Nope. Would Judd disagree? No, he would not. He actually, because it's set in Michigan, Chippewa, Michigan I called it, but the school that I went to was Chippewa Valley. Lots of culture appropriation too, by the way.

Our team was called the Big Reds. The whole middle of the country, pretty much. Yeah, exactly. Our team was the Braves, which I think they changed to the Astros at Tssyosset High School. Oh, okay. All those astronauts are pissed about it. So the whole myth, look, in Psyosset, it's pretty well canon that it's about Psyosset.

And you're saying that that was a delusion we created because Judd went there. Literally, the show takes place in Michigan. But that's at Red Herring. I don't know what problem Syosset has with their self-confidence. I mean, you say so, guy who created the show. Sure, whatever. I know. I think.

Aisha, you hosted the talk from season two to season seven. You left in 2017. Then it got fucking canceled. Yeah. Now the show's over. What do you really think about those bitches? You know, I had a great time doing that job and it was a very... I mean, I mean this mostly as a compliment. It was a very easy job.

Like I got in there in the morning, I talked to some people, I left by noon. It was cake, you know? And then I made my first feature and I realized if I wanted to have a career as a director, I couldn't have to spend eight hours every day talking about Justin Bieber's haircut or whatever the fuck. So it was an easy decision to go, do you know what I mean? It was.

And it was fun while it lasted and I got a lot of pictures of myself with famous people and then I fucked off. There you go. Yeah. Oh, there we go. And you know what that sound means. In Paul's new movie, Anna Kendrick attends the wedding of a woman who

attempted to gun her down in the first film. On the other hand, the wedding is in Capri. So I get why she went, which is why we want to play a game called plus or minus one. Oh, but before we do, it's time for Margarita. Another round. It's time for another round. All right. Really? This has been this is good. Thank you. Really good at making this. Thank you. I mean, I'd have choked it down as a host, you know?

But I do genuinely like it. Sincerely get to like it. Oh, good. Excellent. Well, thank you. Unlike the Great Palpheque, I created something that requires no cocktail making proficiency. However, you just pour it out of the bottle.

Look at that. Oh, that's good. Yeah. So for the 30-second spiel, L La Cephie is a line of cocktails. This is our inaugural cocktail, but we're coming out with other flavors. It's a margarita. There's only three ingredients,

organic tequila, organic triple sec, that we make with organic tequila, so there's no like neutral grain spirit or malt liquor in here. And organic lime. It's clarified so that it's, it just tastes super clean and stable. I brought little dried limes

because I'm a lazy bastard and I don't want to slice fruit. Yeah, but I really made this for like, you know when you get home from a long day of telling brilliant jokes and getting tickets from the from the joke police and you want a cocktail and you don't want to make it and It's just a margarita in a bottle bro. I feel bad having all this in front of these lovely people They don't matter Paul They're nothing that's your house feels about them the way he feels about the people in They're nothing. That's your host. He feels about them the way he feels about the people in the Starbucks line.

That's right. This is good. No more. Thank you. Oh my gosh. Thank you. Oh, that's really good. Oh, I love it.

Thank you. I think these drinks are the perfect thing to be sipping while we're going through these very difficult questions. Here is the question. Would you attend this wedding? That's what we're trying to get to the bottom of. Because in another simple favor, she goes to the wedding of someone that tried to murder her.

The bride is your best friend since childhood. But your ex will be there with their new partner who has a noticeably better fatter ass than you. You're tacitly in charge of her older brother who tries to do a standing back flip whenever he gets drunk enough. She asks you to please dig a hole and bury her dead dog in it before the ceremony." So like based in reality is what you're saying? Yeah, sort of like a thing that happened to me. Would you go to the wedding? Yeah. Like the part where we see the brother do the back flip and like jam his neck and have

to be hospitalized. Like I'd videotape that and put it on the internet. Right. Sure. It's not your fault. Yeah, but I'm not going to bury a dog. No, my question is where's the wedding? Yeah.

Oh yeah. It's a destination. It's a psionic. No, I'm not going. I'm not going. Sorry. Psionic. All right.

Next up, the gloom is the guy from work whose wife, whose first wife disappeared under mysterious circumstances, but the hotel room is free. His uncle is George Clooney's lawyer and rumor has it George might pump up with them all as a taco truck coming at midnight. Oh, I'm there. Tacos, man. You never say no to free tacos. Tacos and Clooney.

Yeah. Oh God, tacos and Clooney together. What? I need a to free tacos. Exactly. Never. Tacos and Clooney. Yeah. Oh God, tacos and Clooney together. What? I need a few minutes alone. The bride is your favorite teacher from growing up who found love again after her first husband's

long illness, but the wedding is at a campsite. The groom is an amateur ventriloquist, but try telling him that. And you have to fly into Newark to get there. No. The answer is no. Are we glamping or camping? It's just camping. No glamping.

They're just, It's just camping. No. I don't think I would fly into Newark. It answers itself. I know. It's really like that traffic controller being like, I told my family not to go. And the fact that Sean Duffy of Road Rules Real World Challenge said that he changed his family's flight to not go into Newark.

It's like. Deeply authoritative voice. I, for sure. God, I look to for recommendations. I know, listen, I wish you weren't the guy, but he's the guy and I gotta listen. Newark I can take, the camping I can't take, I'm sorry. Yeah, right, I'd rather, right, you'd rather die

on your way to a Four Seasons than live on your way to a camping. I can't, I can't, I can't shit into a hole. Yeah. Under any circumstances. Yeah I famously tried. In these boots? I tried to be in the wilderness and they kicked me out after three dinners. The bride and groom are the couple you met at Señor Frog's Los Cabos and had a really awkward threesome with. Ooh. Oh Jesus. But they're putting every wedding guest up for free in an all-inclusive resort within walking distance

of Señor Frogs Los Cabos. And George and them all are definitely coming. So first of all, have you been to that Señor Frogs Los Cabos? I thought you were gonna ask me if I've been to a threesome. I was like, oh my God. Too much, Aisha, too much. I have been to that Señor Frogs, it's horrible.

Disagree. But then I am like, if it was a good threesome, and there might be a chance you could crack one out before they lock it up. There you go. Just one last one for the road. Senior Frogs sounds, I had a movie in a film festival in San Diego and after the... for the San Diego Film Festival afterwards we wanted to go get something to eat and there's a place there called Dirty Dicks and we've been there. It's one

of those kind of places and we came in and one of the waiters was getting his hair cut by another one of the waiters in the middle of the thing and it's like we're not going in here. So somehow Senior Frog sounds like a place you might get your hair cut and maybe your pubic hair cut. When you said dry martini, that's not what you meant. That's not what I meant. Do you like that story, John? Hey, don't go anywhere. There's more of Love It or Leave It coming up.

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That's the thing that's, because the other night I was making martinis for me and Ari, who is driving home tonight, and then I was doing it, and then as I was making them, John, my co-host, and Emily came over because we were going to a birthday party together, and I was like, well, I'll make,

I can make you guys old-fashions, or I can make, you guys want martinis, and I did something stupid, which was like, all right, let's just double. I was already in the shaker, and I was like, well, fuck it. I doubled, and I tried to double, and it just turned out fucking bad. The ratios go up, yeah. It's like well fuck it I doubled and I tried to double and it just turned out fucking well the ratios go up And I what was the ratio, but I think was also just got too melty. Yeah

The ice couldn't handle the I should have put more ice. I just fucked it up. Yeah, but it's a subtle difference It's a me like the fact that this is like this is a good example of if you make every if it's exactly right It's exactly right. It's a little off. It's nowhere. Well, it can't be lukewarm. It can't even be just like kind of cold. It has to be cold. I've got so many times I get served a martini that's like kind of cold. And I'll just now, I'll just say,

can you put a bag in the shake? And that's what all the stories about you being such a terrible customer. Of course. Martenders hate me. But here's a question for you because I actually, I know this sounds very Bondy and I am a fan of Bond and have a very simplistic way of looking at the world generally. I don't like a shaken martini.

I don't like ice chips in my martini. It continues essentially, it's like self-watering, right? They dilute the thing, it's filled with ice and then it slowly gets more and more dilute. So I only want a stirred drink and I only stir it myself. Can I tell you my theory on why Bond has shaken not stirred? Mm-hmm. Because he's a super spy. He needs to always have his wits about him.

So a shaken martini is diluted with ice. So he could out drink somebody who's having a regular martini. What's interesting about that is I think that's a great theory. But I have the opposite. I have the opposite theory. I have the opposite feeling, which is that James Bond is a fucking alcoholic. And so a shaken martini is better

if you're gonna down a martini fast before the ice melts. A shaken martini is delicious. True, but if you're an alcoholic, you just want more and more martinis. Right, that's a good point. Did you see the piece they did? They did a piece, I feel like it was the New York Times, or maybe the New York Times Magazine,

where they actually calculated, like they watched all of the Bond movies and calculated exactly how much alcohol he had ingested over like the life of the franchise and he was dead he died died around Roger Moore. Then I'm dead. Who's your bigger Bond? Daniel Craig. By far. Now has anybody read the original Bond books? He's not so Bond. I agree, I agree. By far. Now, has anybody read the original Bond books? He's not so much obsessed with the martinis, he's obsessed with scrambled eggs. What?

It's crazy. All the Bond books are about like, I have to eat, I have to have eggs, I have to do this. Bond is obsessed with eating. He's gotta hit his macros. I think this is why, I think this is why Woodhouse was always making eggs, Woodhouse, for Archer.

Because obviously Archer is based on Bond and I've not read those books because reading's for Trumps. No I love books, I love reading. But obviously Adam Re based him on that and he said listen if this guy was a real guy he'd be an absolute piece of shit, an alcoholic, a womanizer, a jerk.

And he's like this is the real Bond. That was the kind of the essential thrust of like, you know, and a lot of eggs. And a lot of eggs, Woodhouse, man. You know, eggs, Woodhouse, and cocaine. There you go. Very nice to have. That's the name of my new album, by the way.

It's the taste great together. Paul and Aisha, you both spent years of your career wrangling psychopaths, and that's just getting your ages out of the phone. Hey! What I want to tell you. Hey, oh! Tonight, we want to open the floor to deranged, dead-eyed,

unscrupulous among us in a segment we're calling Anti-Social Butterfly. Here's how it works. Please raise your hand if you'd like to, Paul and Aisha, to weigh in on any question, dilemma, or scenario that has you wondering, wait, am I the sociopath? Keep in mind the fact of you asking it means you probably aren't. So that's good. All right. Your question is are you the sociopath do you have a question for Aisha and Paul? Raise your

hands. You can make one up. You can absolutely make one up. That's it. It's over. There's a question over here. You know you're through the first brick and stone wall the other hands will go up now because you went first. Thank you. Proud of you. Proud of you. You're a leader man. Hi what's you can not say your name if you want but what's your question about Brickett Stonewall. The other hands will go up now because you went first. Thank you. Proud of you. Proud of you. You're a leader, man. Hi. What's... You can not say your name if you want, but what's your question about whether... Oh, yeah. ...a moment where you might have been the sociopath? Yeah. My name's Zach. I'm from Kentucky.

Yeah. Welcome home. We live right next to a church and we're... Which is essentially every house in Kentucky. Yeah. Exactly. Yeah. Yep. You got it. And so, you know, we get along with them, whatever, but they feed all the cats in the neighborhood. So there's like 10 feral cats just roaming the street, pooping everywhere, you step in it. Our dog, Cornbread, because he's a Kentucky dog, his name's Cornbread.

He eats the cat poop. It's disgusting. Cornbread needs to go. So we've tried to talk with them. We've thought about signing a petition, being like, hey, can you guys stop feeding the cats? They don't live there, by the way. Yeah, the people feeding the cats don't live there. It's the church.

So they just go there, drop off the food, and run away. And so every now and then, when I get that pure rage in me, I'll grab the cat poop with a bag around my hand and kinda catapult it into the parking lot. Just like one or two, you know, little cat poop. And so that's kind of where that rage comes from.

So yeah, am I crazy for doing that I guess. No, no. These aren't big cats like Tiger King or anything. No, no, no. Okay, good. They're just neighborhood cats that they're feeding in. Yeah, but they're d or anything. No, no, no. Okay, good. They're just neighborhood cats that they're feeding in. Yeah, but they're dicks though. They're not nice cats.

Cats are dicks. There's cute cats and there's dicky cats. Can I ask you, when you're driving, do you find that you want to exact what I would call road justice? Are you a road justice guy? Where if somebody say cuts you off and you come back around, you don't like basically you you want to try to write the ledger, God's ledger. Is that something that about you? It happened today.

I'm sorry, sir. Please pass. Oh, yeah. I'm his wife. Yes, he is. I thought you looked familiar. I sense that about you. So are what is your goal in hurling the the the the excrement?

I yeah, I think like the dream scenario is the the the preacher you know he's getting out of his truck getting ready to go in and he steps in the cat poop oh and then he's like oh wow like this is out of control like we've got to fix this. There's so much logic in that in that rage point like you really thought it through most people like that's all. I like that he has such a quick conversion to the moral high road. I don't think you're a sociopath.

I go along with that, I think you're fine. It's only not hurling cats into the parking lot. Right, yeah, yeah. We haven't, maybe one day. We didn't know where it was gonna go, we didn't know where it was gonna go, and it went to a place where I think you're expressing some legitimate outrage in a way that you're ultimately hoping ruins a pastor's day, but in a manner that

could be productive. So I think you're okay. And, and just be careful with the road justice because it could get you killed. You know, and it's something that I know. And I have the same impulse, the road justice impulse, which is you trying to, cause there's a book with all the names and it's all written and you're trying to make sure it's right before the end of the day and the end of history. and that's hard because we can't be in charge of that book The book is not up to us. We just have our one little part of it You know, even though we're trying to make it right, you know, we're past the you know, what I mean? I also have road rage. I really can't

You have different accents we're from the same place though. It doesn't make any sense. Hers is just way cooler. Thank you. You have to me what is I consider a real accent. You have Jessica Tandy in fried green tomatoes. She wishes she had this. This is real.

Come on now. That's a beautiful accent. Thank you. This is real. Come on now. Come on now. No offense. That's a beautiful accent. Thank you. I love it. Thank you. I would also like to point out that I don't really think that this pastor is a serious

man if he's driving a pickup truck to church. Come on now. He also operates his roofing and gutter business out of the church parking lot. He did do our gutters too though. Honk if you like aluminum siding and Jesus. That's a good, because that makes it tax deductible. Yeah. Oh, that's a good point.

Because it's not, you know, you have a church, you can operate your business out of it. The church doesn't pay property taxes. Something to think about when you go home, maybe call somebody about it. You know what I mean? Let's get, let's get physical. You use that extra money to feed the feral cats.

That's right. Have we thought of a more violent approach? Like, like maybe collecting all of the poop. You know what I mean? Let's get physical. You use that extra money to feed the feral cats? That's right. Have we thought of a more violent approach? Like maybe collecting all of the poo. Hope LA is treating you well on your trip from Kentucky. Who else has got one? Can I tell my favorite church religion story? Yes.

There was an article a number of years ago in the New York Times about a church somewhere down south, and the church just exploded one day. It literally exploded into splinters. But there was a little statue, like concrete statue of the Virgin Mary out front that didn't fall over. And the takeaway from the church people was like, it's a miracle that that wasn't damaged. And I'm like, somebody blew up your church blew up. And so that's why it's hard to reason with religious people. Good night.

That felt very scientific too, a very scientific evaluation. That's why my mother kicked me out of my religion, exactly. I think that's the Advil talking. Anybody else have a moment where they think they might have been the sociopath? Hello, my name is Kyle. Hi, Kyle. I'm a worker in Northern Virginia. I walk to work every day.

I have an issue where being a pedestrian in a car centric metropolitan area. I feel like a moral superiority walking, not having to drive my vehicle and having to spend money on gas. However, walking around a metropolitan area, I feel like I'm constantly at odds with being killed by other Americans in cars. And so I feel like I don't want to, I don't want to,

I don't want to villainize people because I know that paying attention while driving is definitely difficult and there is, it shouldn't be really. It should be easier. People are fucking idiots. There's two roads I'm crossing as I walk to work. There's two like four lane roads where people are like doing a protected left and

you know, they will just turn into you as you're walking across the road and I walk to work with a Like a glass container with all my with my chicken and broccoli every day. Well, that's your first mistake. All right I hope they hit you Do what nothing I hope they hate you. Sorry. You're my hero. And I've had some fancy drinks. I have had... Do what? Nothing. Continue. And I've been almost hit several times coming home from work.

And every single... Like the most recent one was where an older lady had... This is probably in like April of this year. She had her like sun visor down, definitely just like a raft would cross over, turn in just directly into me, and I'm like halfway across the intersection. And I just like, you know, I move fastly out of the way,

but I have an innate urge to just chunk my lunch container and then drink the water. But I know that if they hit me, or if like they stop or anything that's going to like break their windshield it's going to be like an assault charge like all this stuff. For context too, I'm a military member and I'm walking in uniform. So that's going to be an absolutely terrible look. God totally changes my calculus for you. Absolutely day and night what I wanted for you.

First of all, and I want to say, when I said earlier that I hope you get hit by a car, I don't mean it. Thank you for your service. Yes, especially now. Especially now. It was triggering to hear that you have do meal prep of something with chicken and broccoli in a container.

I know what your algorithm is. That makes me angry. I have a lot of anger. For context, I spent about 27 months of the past four years in the Middle East eating the same exact food every single day. So I'm taking back control of being able to cook and eat whatever I want.

God damn it. It's amazing. There's no winning this for you. No, there's no winning. We can't win. Don't throw it There's no winning this for you. We're a good person. No, there's no winning. We can't win. Don't throw it, because you're giving away your lunch. Well, this is stupid. This last time was after work, but yeah.

I also feel like you would be throwing it with precision. I think if you were just a shrub, like an IT guy, you're headed to do your job at playing Minecraft and pretending you're working. I'd be like, yeah, hook it, because you're going to miss. But this guy's going to send her mass, like three bops to the head, and the lady's going to die. Well, they're in a car. They're in a car.

Criminal mind at work there. That's her training. That's Aisha's training. So it's an interesting dilemma. I think we all agree, I don't think you should throw your lunch. Because that's making another person's day a little bit worse and making your day a lot worse.

Well, but then the terrorists win too, because you have no lunch. Yeah. I didn't think about that. I've always had a kind of fantasy. I have two fantasies. One is I'm at a rock concert and they say, is anybody a drummer? The second, that's just, that's I'm always going to have. I don't know. That's just in my brain. And I just. I don't know that's just in my brain and I just

you know their drummer's sick as anyone is like oh. Do you play the drums? I did when I used to have this fantasy movie. It's an old one from one of my childhood. What if you get up and you're terrible? Yeah no that would be a bummer. That'd be a bummer. I could do Wipeout. All right listen Barbara Ann the whole thing but here's the here- Lots of bands playing Barber Ann live nowadays. Hey everybody, did somebody request Wipeout? Yeah, let me know this. Bah bah bah bah. Everyone's just running for the door.

But my other one is that I would print out stickers and the stickers say, you're a piece of shit on them. And I have them. And then when somebody is driving're a piece of shit on them and I have them and then when somebody is driving like a piece of shit, you just run out, just boom, put them on the back of their car, you know? So maybe make some stickers. Do you know the amount of guns compared to the amount

of Americans in this country? Like I feel like if I tap somebody's car, I am running the risk of... You're in the uniform. Oh. Okay. That's right, they would assume that you work like a concealed carry if you're in the uniform.

Here's an interesting context to take into account. So, federal... Yeah, yeah, let's get deeper into this. Your partner's like, your partner's like, I don't want this, I don't want this for you, and I don't want it for me either. He should have kept his hand down.

Federal and deputized employees, specifically ICE or any other federal agent that's going to be conducting activities that is part of your deputized job. So a lot of people are claiming, whenever you see people getting arrested or getting disappeared off the street. Yes, getting people disappeared off the street by federal agents that are gonna be in uniform

will be wearing the same camouflage pattern that I'm wearing. So like, I feel like I'm not really like sure, I have a little name tip, this is US Army, but like I'm not standing apart from the rest of all federal employees. And so I feel kind of... If you go to the uniform store could you get like pink camouflage? You know like the one that kind of looks like you're going hunting for deer you know the

one that's got the orange in it you know what I mean? I feel as if I am a like overall like federal employee not necessarily like strategic or like strictly military I feel as if I'm possibly lumped in multiple of these. Well, so first of all, I want to say here's a couple of things. One, again, thank you for your service. Two, I don't think you're a sociopath. I do think you're on the spectrum. Three, like that's fucking clear as day to me.

And I've done, and we love that. A badge of honor, sir. We love that for you. Do not back down. And the person you're with agrees. And so that's something we're all understanding. I would just say, is there another route you could walk to work?

Magnets. Could you go the long way? What if you got a magnet, not a sticker, a magnet? So that way, like if you could fling it, and then it would stick. They wouldn't even know. What if I just take the bus? And then they could just peel it off?

Yeah, maybe take the bus. Can I take this opportunity to call out the woman? Did you see the video recently? The woman who got a traffic thing, ran out and took a diarrhea shit on the other car and then ran back in her car and did you see that? Wow. Dude, dude, dude, dude. If people in this room

don't stop and take a moment of silence to acknowledge how much focus and tenacity and drive it takes to take a shit on another car without looking at your phone tenacity and drive it takes to take a shit on another car without looking at your phone, without your normal creature comforts. It's a skill.

It's not, that's not a two second operation. That's way slower than throwing a magnet, man. You gotta pull your pants down. You gotta make sure you're not gonna get hit by traffic. That's first degree shitting is what you're talking about. Did she have any performance enhancing drugs for that? She deserves a medal. Especially diarrhea.

I was gonna say, what kind of heart, not purple heart. Maybe she's just looking for an excuse because he really had to go. But I mean, that's a lot of poo. And like, even if it was fast, you'd still have to kind of aim it and then finish and then pull your pants back up. She did fast.

I saw the video, she did it and she was back in the car. Respect, man. Exactly. and then pull your pants back up? She did fast. I saw the video, she did it and she was back in the car. Respect, man. Exactly. I know. She's starring in my new movie, by the way. I just, isn't it amazing to think. Another not so simple favor.

Isn't it amazing to think that like Steve Jobs stood up in front of the world and said, it's a music player, it's an email device, it's a phone, and now we're shitting on each other's cars. Yes, exactly. And that's a sad and interesting thing about how we all became sociopaths in a sense. Hey, I don't know what your answer is.

I think maybe just don't cross when there's somebody making that left. But what if they're crossing while I'm in the middle of the? Keep moving, keep your head on a swivel. But you made it through the Middle East, you gotta be able to survive North Carolina. Is there a crosswalk where you do this? There is a crosswalk.

I mean, here's the issue is that people don't like care about crosswalks. They just kind of like... Yeah, because we're a fucked up, broken, sociopathic society. I got hit by a car in front of Cooper Union in New York one Saturday night. I was walking, the guy just coming across and the guy was clearly looking at his phone or something and just hit me. I, when I was a kid, I wanted to be a stunt man and so I used to try to figure out what would you do

if you were gonna hit by a car. So I knew, get up, go the way with the thing. And I did, I rolled over the car and the worst part was getting hit as a 50 year, at the time, a man in his 50s in front of a bunch of kids on a Saturday night and Falling in the street here. Oh, and here was the greatest thing about this story is I'm on the ground like all fucked up and Two people come running over this really nice woman and this other guy and he's like the guy gets out

This asshole and we the guy who's driving gets out of the car. He's like, oh my god. Oh my god, and This guy comes up and goes like alright. well, you're okay, you're okay. And he's cool. So come on, I want you guys to shake hands. This is cool. Like you guys. I was like, what the fuck, dude? I am not gonna shake hands with a guy

just fucking hit me with his car. And the guy just wouldn't stop doing that. And I was just like, so I literally, I walked away. I just, I wanted to get out of there so bad. Anyway, so there you go. What was his investment in this being resolved? I don't know. I wanted to be out of there so badly. Anyway, so there you go. What was his investment in this being resolved? I don't know. Wanted to be a diplomat or something?

It was crazy. What did the guy who drove the car say to you? He was just all, oh my god, oh my god. And then all I could think was, I don't care if my leg is broken. I want to get out of here because I want to be injured in front of a bunch of college students on a rainy Saturday night. Exactly. I know. Hey, you thought they were going to make fun of you? I don't know. Be injured in front of a bunch of college students right mr.. Bunch

Yeah, I know you thought they're gonna make fun of you I Don't know I I know you know what it was it was the when I got hit It was the whoa and then and I literally I hit the top of the thing I go like don't fall on the ground and I couldn't help it I went fell on the ground and it was wet and I was wearing a suit is raining I just it's I jumped over the hood of a moving car and then got up and walked away. I agree. Here's what I want.

Here's what I... There's such a refinement to you, such a control to you. I think it's interesting that you got hit by a car and as you're flying through the air, arms akimbo, you're like this, I hope when I land this isn't embarrassing. That's literally the only one that went through my mind. Wow, and you're in therapy? No, I'm not. I should be. I was directing, also, I'll tell you the story.

I was directing Nurse Jackie at the time. And so waited until I went in on the Monday to have the set doctors look at my contusioned leg. And they were like, you seriously didn't go to a hospital after the hospital no I just went home and watched Saturday Night Live. You heard it here first. There you go. The story my wife hates. Thank you. Well nobody in the audience is sociopaths. What a sweet soul you have. I want nothing but good things for you. We have to protect him at all costs.

Exactly. Maybe we can get him a car. All right, when we come back, we come back, we have one more thing. Hey, don't go anywhere. There's more of Love It or Leave It coming up. Love It or Leave It is brought to you by Fatty15. Have you heard about C15?

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A mission to optimize your c15 levels to help you live healthier longer You can get an additional 15% off their 90-day subscription starter kit by going to fatty 15 comm slash love it and using code Love it at checkout. Before we get to our wheel on June 6, Tim Miller, Sarah Longwell from the Bulwark and I will be at the Lincoln Theater in Washington, DC. Wow. I've had two very strong drinks. We're going to be on June 6th. What? Tim Miller, Sarah Longwell, me. Fuck. We have a great show. We're doing a fundraiser called Free Andre, a fundraiser at World Pride hosted by Cricket Media and The Bullwork. We'll be

celebrating Pride. We're going to have a great time. It's going to be a fun show, but it's a serious cause. We're going to be raising money for the Immigrant Defenders Law Center. This is an organization representing makeup artist and actor Andre Hernandez Romero and others who have been basically who have been kidnapped and taken to El Salvador without due process. If they fall off out of our attention, if the news moves on, they will never come back. So we're trying to raise money to support their legal defense and to keep focus on this issue. Before the live show, Vote Save America will be joining with the human rights campaign

for a protest at the US Supreme Court to bring more attention to this case and we're donating the ticket proceeds to the immigrant defenders law center. So it'll be a big gay live show for a great cause. We're going to raise a lot of money during this weekend. So tickets are going tickets are going. So go to crooked.com events and get those tickets as quick as you can. Crooked.com slash events. It's going to be very fun.

It's going to be a great show. Also the Crooked store just got a big upgrade. We have new nicer shirts and sweatshirts and merch and we have some beautiful, cool new designs. Also a new website. We just really wanted to upgrade everything and make sure that when you buy a shirt from us, you feel like you're going to get like a really great t-shirt even though you you can like the design But want to make sure you'll be really happy with the shirt itself

Which you can't see internet where the complaints before Joe what no is just we wanted to be shut up Hey Paul Feek shut the fuck up Cuz I've got quite a rash going We've improved what was already great T-shirts great again. Crooked.com. Oh my God. Slash store.

Polynesia. You've given me a lot to think about this evening. You've also given me the perfect alibi for a crime I absolutely couldn't have committed. Oh. Oh. You see me here? There's no way I could have pushed Tate McCray in front of that swan boat. So to close out the show, we're going to share something we have gotten away with.

With a segment we're calling Petty Criminal Minds. Oh no. To the wheel. Oh, it's already spinning. It landed on Paul. What is a petty crime you've gotten away with? Well I wouldn't call it a crime. Right, I'm not saying crime. I know exactly. It's something I got away with but there's an addendum. So I'm going to tell you the story first. When I was an actor, I was on a TV show called Dirty Dancing, the TV series. Believe it or not, there was one.

And in one of the scenes, I played this nerdy bellhop, who wasn't in the original movie, and I had to kiss this girl. And of course, like any professional actor, I completely fell in love with the girl I was supposed to kiss, the actress, and she had a band. And so I was a guitar player and a drummer, but I was a guitar player. And so I was kind of weaseled my way into the band.

I'm not a good guitar player, but I've always tried to play lead guitar. And I've picked up from other guitar players I know little licks and bits so One day she and her boyfriend go off to do something and I'm with the drummer and the bass player And so we start jamming and I say let me do a solo I do a solo and for some reason the planets align and I rip out the greatest guitar solo ever heard It ends the two guys get down in front of me,

they're bowing like, oh my god, so they, the girl and her boyfriend come back and they're like, we've got our lead guitarist, you gotta hear him, he's amazing, he's amazing, and here's the addendum on the story. They go, play it. I play the worst fucking guitar solo ever. These two guys are like, uh, and they're looking at them like they're nuts. They're all looking at me like I'm terrible. And so that was it. I was busted as being shitty.

What do you think happened inside that brought out such an excellent moment? It's just the planets aligned. It's total, it's the absolute definition of imposter syndrome, you know? Cause like sometimes you just kind of, things happen. It's like making a movie. Like, you know, you think the movie is going to be good, but you know, because like sometimes you just kind of, things happen. It's like making a movie, like, you know, you think the movie is going to be good, but you know,

a million things go into it and neither it's going to turn out or it's not. And, and it just luck kind of takes over at the same time with your instincts and all that. And for some reason, I think the pressure of her not being there kind of made me go, oh yeah, I'm just going to do this thing. Yeah. And so there you go. Let me ask you this question.

I almost got away with it. You almost got away with it. Let me ask you this question. What's an experience, what is more likely? You're on set, you feel like you're fucking muscling something to the finish line, because it's hard. You're like, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know,

and it turns out to be great. Or we're having a great time, everything feels fun and funny and light, and then it turns out to be absolute dog shit. Well, I'm always nervous about sets where the crew is, when I'm doing a comedy and everybody's laughing, they're having a great time, that's usually the worst movie. Because it's the moments are great,

but they don't add up. Versus, and all my sets are kind of happy, we never have like stress and all that stuff, but sometimes, like when I made the movie Spy, we were doing that in Budapest, and I'm used to kind of people, you know, the crew laughing or whatever, like you would do a 30 minute take, like dead silence because I did, they didn't really understand English. And also just, you know, the Hungarians, I love them. I'm Hungarian in my, in my genealogy, but they're not, not a gregarious people.

Other countries engage in all over by fascists Yeah, but there you go. Yeah, we were there pre fascist fortune But but I remember just walking with that movie going like I think we might have made the worst movie of all time And then it obviously it kind of worked out. Okay, but it's a great film. Thank you. Thank you. But funny Yeah, but I am nervous about when things like everything's going great because you know, I keep there's two things I keep in my in my Office one is a bust of Shakespeare to remind myself and all the writers We work with that none of us are Shakespeare so we can keep Rewriting and make it better and the other is a model of the Titanic remind myself how no matter how great everything seems like it's going

This could all go down in a minute. Wow, so're an inspiring leader. I am really. You really help people. Guys this could be terrible. Just give up. Let's just stop now. Yeah. Yeah. Wow. Let's spin it again. That's excellent. I hope it doesn't land on me again. Oh god. Aisha, what's something you've gotten away with? Oh this was really hard for me because I'm an apple polisher. Like I'm terrified of breaking the law and I'm the kind of person who will find a wallet and turn it in. But I will say that when I was a kid, I had a period of like really... So I loved movies and I was very, very nerdy and I was an outsider. So I would, my parents would drop me off at the library like when it opened like around eight or nine on Saturday.

Then I would stay in there looking at books about homunculi and like, you know, tumors and stuff like that, if you know, you know. Oh yeah, as one does, as a child of seven or eight does. And then when I was sick of looking at human deformities, I would go around the corner to the movie theater when it opened and I would pay for one, one matinee ticket, which, you know,

back in the times of the oil-fueled steam engine, cost like a buck. And then I would just steal movies all day. So I don't know, like people, I don't know if people do that now, but like, you know, you would just hang out in the theater, like a street urchin, and you would just go from movie to movie to movie to movie to movie to movie and that Was like that was like my activity till I was like 25 like just stealing movies

So I never I saw I saw the Blue Lagoon like 17 times don't know how it started don't know how it ends Also war games I have seen war games so many times you guys it is one of the greatest Films of the modern era. It's so great war games is guys. It is one of the greatest films of the modern era. It's so great. War Games is awesome. It's the best. It stands up, it totally holds up. More relevant than ever.

I'd piss on a spark plug if I thought it'd do any good. What was the name of the robot in there? Joshua. It's Joshua. Nicely done. Joshua, well done. I was gonna say Whopper, because Whopper was the government computer.

No, that was the big computer, but in Tide of it was Joshua, the son of the doctor. It's so great. It's the Broderick break, it's the Alan Shiede break. There's a really, really poorly drawn guy on the spectrum in there, like a super nerd. Clearly nowadays, we'd be like, he's just like hyper intelligent, but in there he's like, hey everybody, I want to do some math. Really, really stereotypical, unkind.

Yeah, that performance needs to be replaced by a bottle of your gin. There we go. I can digitally do that. I remember once I saw a movie and then I was like, oh, let's see a second movie for free. And then I saw Krippendorf's Tribe. Yeah.

See, the thing is, you know, Richard, wait, Richard Dreyfuss. Richard Dreyfuss. Yeah, it's not good. Also, I think Jenna Elfman. Oh my God. Wow. Well, you're spinning the wheel.

The thing is, you can pick the first film, but then you can never pick another film again because you're kind of dodging security and you've got to squeeze in a couple games of Qbert when no one's looking. You've got to get the Qbert in there. And then you've got to wait until no one's looking and then you dash in and then you're eight

and you're watching Kramer versus Kramer. You've got to watch Kramer versus Kramer. It's so sad. Do you know what just got ordered? What? The Whack-A-Mole movie. Oh, wow. There you go.

But it's like a gritty thing. Exactly. It's very grouted. Heads will be crushed. When I lived in New York and I was being a paralegal during the day and doing open mics at night, sometimes I would go to the AMC on 42nd Street

and I would go to McDonald's beforehand because McDonald's right across the street and I put the fries in this side and the Whopper in this side of my cargo shorts. Dude, well done! But that's not what I've gone away with today. Let's spin it again. Respect!

Please. I can't believe it's you. It landed on me. What are the odds? For a very long time, I got away with Pundit the dog being, my dog being an emotional support animal. I travel back and forth across the, being an emotional support animal. I travel back and forth across the country with this emotional support animal.

She's not trained. And it is, she does provide emotional support, but I remember I had to go to my friend who's a doctor, whose name I'm not going to say, because I don't know about the ethics of this. They're dubious at best. They're Vinny Boombots, exactly. And I said, can you write me a doctor's letter saying

that I need an emotional support animal because I got to submit it to American Airlines because I have executive platinum status. And it wasn't a big deal. Quit bragging. It wasn't a big deal. But he wrote this note that was so, I was like, Jesus, maybe I do need an emotional support

animal. He was like, John has crippling anxiety, it prevents him from functioning, he requires this tiny golden doodle to function. If he doesn't have it, he could die. And then they changed the rules. Yeah, to service dogs. To service dogs, and that required lying

on like a federal document, and as my friend knows, you don't want to do that, you know? Because then you got a guy in fucking camouflage coming after you, and it's not one of the nice ones with the chicken and broccoli. There you go. It's one of the other ones. It's one with the underarmor, just all underarmor on. We did that with our dog who we just lost, sadly,

but he was a service dog, but it was like, it was kind of a trumped up thing, not the net drum, but it was like, I was like, what services does he provide? He's cute, I guess. But he was a service dog. Yeah, technically. Anyway, now Pundit, you know Pundit has to have a, my dog has to have Viagra every day. What?

Yep. For her boners. No. You know Viagra was discovered because it was a heart medicine. It was originally a heart medicine and they were like, holy crap, these old guys are getting rock-hard fucking boners. So my dog... This is the best story. My dog, every morning and every night, gets a Viagra.

And then she's just in a mood. She's just kind of in a mood for a while after. Yeah, like in a fucking mood. Yeah. Yeah. But what's she gonna do? She's single. Yeah, and she's single.

And ready to mingle. There you go. What a weird way to end the show. Can we somehow bring it back up? What can we do? Everybody should watch Criminal Minds Evolution and Another Simple Favor. Yes, Another Simple Favor is out on Amazon Prime right now.

Can I volunteer a thought? I started watching Another Simple Favor and then I said to myself, much like I said when I watched James Bond No Time to Die, I need to go back. I don't remember what's going on here. So it's a really fun double feature because it was a little while ago

and the first film is so complex and there's so many little threads and internecine jokes and everything like that. Go back and watch the first film again because then you'll enjoy the second one so much more when you remember exactly where it left off. Thank you, I will say just the plug. It used to be on Netflix, it just went to Amazon Prime,

the first one, so you can watch them together. You can watch them together, yeah, and it was great, it was a really great double, the first one, so you can watch them together. You can watch them together, yeah, and it was great. It was a really great double feature. Like when the salmon go from upstream to downstream, you know, and they're like, you know, they go from fresh water to salt water. It's spawning, it's spawning.

And you were telling me backstage you support Baldoni. Yeah. Is that right? No. Oh my God. Well, here comes my subpoena. And that's our show. Thank you so much to Paulie and Aisha Tyler.

We'll see you next week right here at Dynasty Typewriter. There are 528 days until the midterms. Have a great night and have a great weekend. If you're already scrolling endlessly, which we know you are, don't forget to follow us at Crooked Media, on Instagram, TikTok, and all the other ones for original content, community events, and more. You can also find Love It or Leave It on YouTube for videos of your favorite segments and other YouTube exclusive content. And if you want to type our praises or rip us a new one, consider dropping us a review.

Finally, you can join Crooked's Friends of the Pods subscription community for ad-free Love It or Leave It and Pod Save America episodes, subscriber exclusive pods, and more. Sign up at crooked.com slash friends. Love It or Leave It is a Crooked media production. It is written and produced by me, Jon Love it, and Lee Eisenberg. Kendra James is our executive producer. Bill McGrath is our producer, and Kennedy Hill is our associate producer. Hallie Kiefer is our head writer. Sarah Lazarus, Jocelyn Kaufman, Peter Miller, Alan Pierre, and Will Miles are our writers.

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Our head of production is Matt DeGroote. Our head of programming is Madeleine Herringer. And our production staff is proudly unionized with the Writers Guild of America East. Love it or leave it. It's love it or leave it.