Lovett or Leave It - The Grind Begins at Conception

Episode Date: October 28, 2023

It’s Halloween here at Lovett or Leave It, and we’ve got all the pennies and raisins your heart could desire! Producer Brian’s ghost has unfinished business: the business of show. Haunted Mansion director Justin Simien has our skin crawling with the most horrifying non-horror movies. Kiran Deol and Jamie Loftus weigh in on which specters and ghouls are just their (blood) type, and the Scream Wheel opens the crypt on the most grotesque horrors of all: the Minions. For a closed-captioned version of this episode, click here. For a transcript of this episode, please email [e-mail] and include the name of the podcast.

Hello, Los Angeles. Hello, Los Angeles. There we go. Welcome to Love It or Leave It Halloween Edition. Tonight, we'll be visited by the ghost of producer Brian, which is weird because he is alive and sitting in front of us. It's probably a misprint. Haunted Mansion director Justin Simien is here

to scream through the most horrifying non-horror movies. Jamie Loftus and Kieran Deal size up the sexual appeal of the supernatural. Our spines are tingling. And then some. We bring back our extremely popular scream wheel. And the veil between the worlds of the living and the dead

becomes so thin, we can dance with the goblins and the demons of the night, but only until 7pm, because Serious Garage needs us to get out of here. But first, let's get into it. What a week. Florida Governor Ron DeSantis. All right, get out of here, systems. Florida Governor Ron DeSantis' presidential campaign has launched a Trump accident tracker meant to highlight Trump's verbal goofs and controversial statements on the campaign trail. The spokesperson added,

Even Trump's most committed supporters are sure to switch to our camp when they see how gaff-free Ron DeSantis is. Now I best be off. Governor DeSantis is visiting a school today where he'll create a viral video explaining wokeness to a confused child before insulting her drawing of the family dog. The DeSantis campaign pointed out that Trump recently referred to Viktor Orban as the leader of Turkey, when in reality he's the prime minister of Hungary. Well, that does it. That's the last straw, said a disgusted Trump supporter, throwing his MAGA hat in the garbage and wiping his tears away with a dog-eared copy of Foreign Affairs. wiping his tears away with a dog-eared copy of Foreign Affairs. Meanwhile, presidential hopeful in the same way I'm an Olympic hopeful,

Chris Christie, reminisced about his old pre-debate rituals this week, telling reporters this. I used to listen to Usher pre-debate, but that seems to have gotten dated now. My kids make fun of me for that, so I don't listen to Usher anymore pre-debate. Chris Christie wants to fuck Usher,

and I think that's a cool fact, another cool fact about our friend, my friend, Chris Christie. But Chris, you get with the times. The only Usher we want to hear about is the one who politely asked Lauren Boebert to stop jerking that guy off. Last week, Donald Trump was fined $5,000 for violating the gag order

in his New York civil fraud trial after he left a post on his website calling Judge Arthur and Gorin's clerk Chuck Schumer's girlfriend. But can we please stop referring to that as an insult, repeated Chuck Schumer. And then this week on Wednesday, having learned nothing, Trump told reporters, This judge is a very partisan judge with a person who is very partisan sitting alongside him, perhaps even much more partisan than he is. What Trump has figured out is that with some time and concentration, you can actually train your esophagus to bypass a gag order. The judge then made Trump take the stand to explain his very partisan comment. Trump claimed that he actually wasn't talking about the judge's clerk like it seemed. He was talking about that rat bastard Michael Cohen who was testifying that day.

But Trump, unable to help himself, repeated that the clerk is maybe unfair and very biased against him. So he tries to pull a fast one on this judge. He goes, the judge sucks, and there's another person who sucks sitting nearby, but who do I mean? And they're just like, you mean my clerk. Fuck you. So anyway, he may have been our worst president, but Trump is one of our finest messy bitches who lives for drama. So the judge didn't buy it and fine Trump another $10,000. But I think we all know that these fines aren't going to change Trump's behavior. He needs to start getting squirted

with a spray bottle like when a cat keeps jumping on the stove. Or jail, I guess. I'm not a judge. This issue actually blew up what was ultimately a good day for Trump in his trial. When questioned as to whether or not the Trump Organization had ever asked him to inflate numbers on Trump's personal financial statements, Michael Cohen said, not that I can recall, no, which actually contradicts Michael Cohen's 2019 testimony before Congress. Immediately, Trump's attorneys asked the judge to issue a verdict.

In response, Judge Ngorun said, absolutely denied. There's enough evidence in this case to fill this courtroom. When the judge said no, Trump abruptly jumped out of his chair and ran out of the court, the Secret Service chasing after him, this is real, while Cohen was still on the stand. The courtroom artist was trying to draw it, but ran out of paper.

Just sketch that ass. Sketch that ass. I know this isn't traditionally how court works, but we need to start giving him a glass of wine to throw. You know? Let's bravo this shit up. Trump also told reporters as he left, the witness just admitted that we won the trial

and the judge should end this trial immediately. Back in the courtroom, realizing that he had fucked up, Cohen tried to explain what he said earlier when he was questioned by prosecutors again, telling the court about Trump. He did not specifically state, Michael, go inflate the numbers. Donald Trump speaks like a mob boss.

And what he does is he tells you what he wants without specifically telling you. You know how Taylor Swift has galers? I'm like that, but for unspoken crimes, Donald Trump weaves through words in ketchup-flavored spittle. Did you guys see today that on 1989, the new batch or whatever it's called, Taylor says that she thought she could hang out with her female friends and that that wouldn't be sexualized or sensationalized, but that happened anyway, which people are taking as potentially a rebuke to

the galers. Trump really has two modes. Let's see where it goes. Kissing football players, squashing the bisexual rumors. What's happening? Shut up.

Gotta follow the money. Trump really has two modes. Savvy mob boss and emails with the subject line, crime ideas. That's a punchline to a joke I began minutes ago. Anyway. After court broke for the day, Judge Ngorun defended his use of the gag order,

saying, I am very protective of my staff. I don't want anybody killed. Sorry, but I truly cannot relate, replied Trump. In Washington, our long national whatever is over. Republicans finally found the House speaker they have longed for, a hard-right MAGA conservative, or what happens if an Oompa Loompa goes to Liberty University, Mike Johnson. In case you were wondering how to feel about this Newhouse speaker,

here is Johnson and his colleague shutting down a reporter asking about January 6th. What has happened? There was not that long ago, the idea of a member of Congress just going, boo, shut up, to reporters like inconceivable. That is Virginia Republican Virginia Fox, no relation to Jamie Fox, shouting shut up. For a little background on Mike Johnson, he supported Donald Trump's election fraud scheme, being the first of over 100 Republicans to sign an amicus brief in a Texas lawsuit attempting to overturn the 2020 election results in Georgia, Michigan, Pennsylvania, and Wisconsin, which is like

throwing the first brick at Stonewall at Marsha P. Johnson. In 2020, Speaker Johnson, no relation, also spread the baseless Republican conspiracy theory about Dominion voting machines. You know, the allegations about these voting machines, some of them being rigged with this software by Dominion. Look, there's a lot of merit to that. And when the president says the election is rigged, that's what he's talking about, that the fix was in. It's amazing how much fucked up stuff

you can get away with saying when you have America's most generic, forgettable name and face. Ask me about this guy in 10 minutes, I won't remember any of this. Mike Johnson, I think he's a baseball player. Johnson voted for a national abortion ban called the day Roe v. Wade got overturned, an extraordinary day in American history,

and once complained that abortions were doing this. Roe v. Wade gave constitutional cover to the elective killing of unborn children in America, period. You think about the implications of that on the economy. We're all struggling here to cover the bases of Social Security and Medicare and Medicaid and all the rest. If we had all those able-bodied workers in the economy, we wouldn't be going upside down and toppling over like this. Yeah, pregnant 14-year-olds, think of the NASDAQ. The grind begins at conception. Johnson also voted against the bipartisan law that protected same-sex marriage and introduced a national version of a don't say gay bill. Sorry, Mike, pretending that gays don't exist in the hopes

that they'll just disappear won't work. Reagan tried and he got pretty close, but we're still kicking. Johnson isn't just against gay marriage and the soft, sweet, live and let live way of some of his colleagues these days. Mike Johnson is actually passionate about gay sex. He wrote in a mid-2000s editorial, he is. In a mid-2000s editorial, he wrote, experts project that homosexual marriage is the dark harbinger of chaos and sexual anarchy that could doom even the strongest republic.

I gotta learn how to do it that way. That seems awesome. I'm not doing it right. If you could do that, that's cool. Shit. In the end, he was only talking about George Santos, but he didn't know that. In fact, in his legal career, Mike Johnson advocated for laws that ban not just gay marriage, but gay relationships entirely. He was horrified by the Supreme Court's decision in Lawrence v. Texas that overturned laws making sodomy illegal. States have always maintained the right to discourage the evils of sexual conduct outside of marriage, and the state is right to discriminate between heterosexual and

homosexual conduct, he wrote. By closing these bedroom doors, the courts have opened a Pandora's box. He really doesn't get it. If we were interested in Pandora's box, we wouldn't be doing all this sodomy. After his election to speaker, Johnson offered this explanation for why his wife wasn't in attendance at the ceremony on Thursday. She spent the last couple of weeks on her knees in prayer to the Lord, and she's a little worn out. It's hard to articulate Mike Johnson's vibe, but that's it. Cucked by God. But Tim Scott tried to say, ha, me too. Same. That's it. Cucked by God. But Tim Scott shined him to say, ha, me too. Same.

That's where my girlfriend was. What? Your wife missed a ceremony because she prayed too hard over the previous two weeks? Like, that's not real. Like, that's not even like a real thing. Like, what do you mean?

Your wife missed this incredibly important day because she was praying too hard? What are you talking about? What the fuck? Johnson also worked for an organization that built a replica of Noah's Ark to scale in a museum that explained how all of the dinosaurs fit on there. Really? So we're pretty fucked.

There's just no way around it. The B-52s, who were slated to perform at an upcoming White House state dinner, have pulled out of the performance, citing the Israel-Hamas war. Said First Lady Jill Biden, While we had initially planned for the legendary B-52s to perform their iconic dance and party music, we are now in a time when so many are facing sorrow and pain. Some would even say that this is no longer a love shack baby. Jill Biden then held for a laugh that never came before being bitten by a dog we haven't met yet.

Look, I think it's the right move for the B-52s. Also, we here at Love It or Leave It know a bargain when we see it. Ladies and gentlemen, the B-52s! They're not here. What if the B... Imagine if the B-52s were here right now to come in. You should have done it. The Justice Department issued subpoenas on Monday

for documents related to Tesla's autopilot system, part of the DOJ's investigation into the validity of the car manufacturer's self-driving claims. Early reports say that the DOJ plans to bring a Tesla into the courtroom and have its mom and dad call it from both sides of the room to see which it drives over to. Meanwhile, see, the FDA said Wednesday that it was gathering information about the case of a college student who died after drinking Panera's charged lemonade.

According to a lawsuit filed by the family of the student who had a heart condition, a large of the drink contains more caffeine than a can of Red Bull and Monster Energy drink combined, plus guarana extract, and the equivalent of almost 30 teaspoons of sugar. I did my own research. A large lemonade from Panera has 390 milligrams of caffeine per large cup. That's more caffeine than five shots of espresso

or a Trenta cold brew from Starbucks or eight cans of Diet Coke. Holy shit. What are the, why? Why? You can, it's free fucking refills! When reached for comment, the CEO of Panera said,

oh my God, this is terrible, this is terrible, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, what do I do? I don't know, I don't know, what if I write a song about it? I can write a song about it and it'll be raw and honest and real.

Lemonade killed the radio, we're sorry, I'm sorry, I don't know what to do, it has to be real. No, no, shut up, shut up, I'm really vibing right now. Pan America, a non- nonprofit promoting freedom of expression, revealed a list of books that are currently banned in American prisons,

including The Art of War by Sun Tzu and Amy Schumer's memoir, The Girl with the Lower Back Tattoo. I agree with the prisons. It's too dangerous for inmates to learn how to command Chinese armies in the 5th century, or whatever The Art of War is about. NFL officials have said that the league will work with the Players Union on allowing current and former players to participate in Olympic flag football in 2028.

Olympic flag football. You promise you'll stop if I goose you a little tushy? A new study published in the journal Royal Society Open Science details the numerous method employed by female frogs to evade aggressive horny males during mating season. Method number one, taking over a gay bar. Okay. European common frogs gather in shallow pools every spring for a bacchanal called explosive breeding,

which I thought was just one of those mysterious categories you see if you switch over to straight Pornhub. During explosive breeding, six or seven males may latch onto a single female in what's called a mating ball which can result in the female drowning under the weight of her suitors not exactly ribbit for her pleasure but thank you the most common tactic to deflect males is for the female to roll over but some some get more creative. Playing dead is common, and in some instances, females will imitate the sounds of males, so a male latching on simply thinks he grabbed a dude and lets go. Ribbit, ribbit, no homo. The female frogs are really convincing.

We have a recording of a female imitating a male here. Yeah, yeah, no. Killers of the Flower Moon was good, but it's second tier Scorsese. Like, have've even seen mean streets ah it is awesome to see that evolution of scorsese as an artist it's all fucking there but almost like in a beta version you know oh you haven't oh it's insane uh also ribbit meanwhile michelle williams impersonation of Justin Timberlake for the audiobook version of Britney Spears'

The Woman in Me has set the gay internet alight. Hear it for yourself. One day, Jay and I were in New York, going to parts of town I'd never been to before. Walking our way was a guy with a huge, blinged-out medallion. He was flanked by two giant security guards. Jay got all excited and said so loud, Oh yeah, fo' shiz, fo' shiz, Genuine, what's up, homie?

Genuine responded, Good to see you, Joey Fatone. To recap, that's a white woman pretending to be a white woman pretending to be a white man pretending to be a black guy. It's a rich, layered performance, and Michelle should get the Grammy now. While on Kimmel, singer Olivia Rodrigo admitted that the shoehorn she thought she received as part of a gift from President Biden during a White House visit was, in fact, an ice cream scoop. If she got my ice cream scoop, what the heck have I been using to serve ice cream to my grandkids? Oh, geez, Joe. An Alaska Airlines flight landed in Portland, Oregon, after an off-duty pilot riding in the cockpit

allegedly tried to disrupt the operations of the engines an unsuccessful attempt for which he is now being charged with 83 counts of attempted murder the pilot told police that he had consumed psychedelic mushrooms for the first time about 48 hours before boarding I've heard about a bad trip but this is ridiculous after leaving the cockpit Emerson said to a flight attendant, you need to cuff me right now or it's going to be bad. This is what I say at the Taco Bell drive

through every goddamn time I go. A man was mistakenly locked in a steel reinforced concrete vault overnight while trying to access the safe deposit box. Firefighters tried for 10 hours to free the man, but decided it would be safer to just wait until the vault reopened automatically at 7 a.m. the next morning. Also, I have a feeling they got sick of me just yelling, give me a sec, I've done a ton of escape rooms. Emergency responders stopped after reaching the vault's steel plating. The problem with the plating is we'd have to use our torches, said the assistant fire chief. Who the fuck gave you our torches, said the assistant fire chief. Who the fuck gave you permission to speak,

said the fire chief. The firefighters feared using torches would affect the environment for the person inside the vault. Anyway, shout out to those firefighters for not roasting that guy alive because he wanted to check on his mother's favorite brooch right before the bank closed.

The man was unharmed, and the amount of cum, piss, and shit in the vault did force them to close the bank until it could be fully sterilized. And finally, according to Guinness World Records, the oldest dog ever, Bobby, passed away Monday at the age of 31 1⁄2 years old. Bobby ultimately chose assisted suicide

with the family doctor, Jeff Kekorgian. Yeah, yeah, that's right. When we come back, a tragedy. Hey, don't go anywhere. There's more of Love It or Leave It coming up. And we're back. Before the show continues, I have to share some unfortunate news. I don't know why I said it like that.

This is actually very sad. Just before I came out here, producer Brian was tragically crushed to death by a chandelier. 100% the wrong kind of organ. That's baseball organ. We were looking for a horror organ. Something Phantom of the Opera adjacent. Brian's demise was very sudden, almost supernatural. He was just standing there below the enormous chandelier in the serious garage green room,

bitching about how I was late because I just had to go to Panda Express, and then he was gone. In his final moments, though, he wrote this eulogy for me to deliver because I forced him to. Producer Brian was like a son to me in that he was so, so, so much younger than me.

What the fuck? So young as to be the age of a possible son. No! Fuck this. Just go to the memorial photo. Guys, really? That's the only photo we have? Brian dressed as the Babadook?

All right. Rest in peace, Brian. You finally get a Thursday off. When we come back, Justin Simien is here. And we're back. Please welcome to the stage the man behind Haunted Mansion,

Bad Hair, and Dear White People, three of the scariest things I can imagine. It's the incredible Justin Simien. Hi, thanks for being here. Did your producer just die? Yeah, he's dead. Oh, man. I'm so sorry.

The show must go on. Okay, yeah. I don't know. You know? Yeah. That's how I feel about it. If you're good, I'm good. I'm great.

Yeah, I'm good. I'm good. I love it. I mean, yeah, I'm good. I'm great. Yeah, I'm good. I mean, yeah, I'm good. Okay. Wow. Okay.

Yeah, I mean, it'll be hard to feel. I mean, he was very good at his job. Yeah. If you need a process, I'm,

it's fine. No, no, I'm just more thinking about like the interviewing process. Is that what you mean? Oh, you mean like emotionally? Your feelings.

Yeah. You're like sorrow. Having directed Haunted Oh, yeah. Like emotionally. Your feelings, yeah. Your sorrow. Having directed Haunted Mansion. Yes. Related. Do you believe in hauntings? Yeah, a little bit. Yeah, I do.

I'm black and gay and from the South. So it's kind of part and parcel of one's upbringing. Oh, yeah? Yeah. Is it a gay thing to believe in ghosts? You know, isn't it? Aren't we haunted by the voices of divas past? I suppose we are.

Yeah. I hadn't thought about it that way. You should, though. You should think about it that way. And then being from the South. Mm-hmm. Ghosts are real. Ghosts are real. In the South, yes.

Mm-hmm. Yeah, slavery. Right. Right. Wow, y'all weren't ready for slavery. Is anyone ever ready for slavery i wasn't our people were not okay but i'm here but you're here oh you know what gay people are haunted by what we're haunted by like our true selves because we're not allowed to be that at first that That's really interesting. I do think I am. I am often haunted by the version of myself.

I am haunted by the idea of the version of myself that would have existed in a world in which I had not internalized so much homophobia. I think I said it more eloquently. We just met. I'm so sorry. Thank you. Yes, I agree. I'm haunted by this show so far.

But you know what I mean? Yeah. No, for real. I think about this shit all the time too. Because you can never actually, it's like when they, it's like when, when you're like, oh, like, you know, when people say like, people will say like, you know, you don't want to lose weight for other people. You got to lose weight for yourself.

But we live in a world with other people. It's how do you conceive of what something is to do for yourself as if you're not doing it for yourself, a being that exists surrounded by other people perceiving you? Yeah. Like I don't, I'm not, I kind of lost you like in the middle, but I think I agree. Like it's hard to know. Yeah.

Yeah. You know, like when does, when does what you are, when does the idea of yourself, irrespective of what others judgment would be, and you as a person who has to exist in the world, begin. Honestly, I think a lot of my work is about this in some way. It's trying to figure out who you'd be if it wasn't for all of these societal forces

that sort of you had to survive, you know? Right, but it's also inconceivable because those forces not only stop you from being one version of yourself, they are barriers and obstacles that test you and strengthen you in other ways. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's true. So we're all fucked.

And so we're haunted by a beautiful but weaker version of ourselves we'll never know. Yeah, yeah. It's really fun. It's really fun. And that's what being gay is. I think so. What's being black? Oh,

very similar. You know what I mean? Honestly, very fucking similar. Okay. But way worse. Right, right,

right. Would it be cruel of God to allow rest of spirit to linger halfway between the human realm and the afterlife? Is that something a benevolent God would do? Yeah, that sounds fun. I don't know. I transitioned very poorly. I think it's because I have ADHD.

But like I would like the chance to sort of not be in either place, I think, after death, personally. Yeah, just to chill. Just to kind of like chill for a bit. Yeah. Like can I, yeah, can I chill? Can I rest? Like I'm not ready for like hell or heaven. Yeah, just to chill for a bit. Yeah, can I chill? Can I rest? I'm not ready for hell or heaven.

I just want to walk around the earth and have nobody see me for a while. That actually sounds great. No, it does. It does sound cool. Because when we die, you disappear, but the thing doesn't lose any weight. So where were you? You know what I mean? Wait, what doesn't lose weight when you die? Well, the soul doesn't have a weight you die you're gone that we know of right but

they might have a whole like physically big no and i think that's right we don't know they might have their own societal like versions of our things i don't know but i'm gonna find out and i'll let you know what was it like working with jamie lee curtis it was great it was so good honestly it was really good she's like everything you want her to be she comes into a room and you are just sort of filled with energy from this woman she is one of those magnetic dynamic people that uh are exactly as you think they would be you think it's because she's eating that yogurt that helps you poop i think that that's the primary reason. Yeah. We should all eat that kind of yogurt. And she has great, great stories about her

and Christopher Guest that I just highly recommend you bringing up if you're around her. Good tip. Yeah. Gotta write that down. Yeah.

Justin. Yes. It's currently spooky season. But horror, the finest film genre there is, isn't just limited to October. And terror is not limited to just one genre. In fact, we'd like to lend your

directorial eye to the most terrifying, most grotesque, most depraved, most horrifying movies that aren't horror movies. Okay. Well, this should go well. We'll be ranking movies on a scale from 1 to 27 dresses. Which is bad. 27 dresses.

Is bad. Is bad. Real bad. Yeah, that's the scariest. What's like 20 dresses? I would say 20 dresses would be... Let's take a first movie. Let's see what happens.

Let's see what happens i think this is roughly i think our first movie is based basically in that ballpark okay 1997 is my best friend's wedding the terror of realizing that julia roberts and dillamant ronnie made a pact to get married if they hadn't found anyone by 28 wow which means they are 27 or younger in the film. Oh, and Cameron Diaz's character is in college. Horrifying. How many dresses? 28. You think it's 28?

That's it? That's maximum? This poster is terrifying me. There's like a whole, and to be honest with you, this wasn't my worst nightmare. Because I knew y'all were going to pick a bunch of white people movies that I don't have a strong feeling about either way. No offense. It's a great movie. And I love Julia Roberts and all white people.

But I think this one's a 27 dresser. I'm just checking. And they are going to be all in this badness. I knew it. Because every time one of your producers is like, oh, no, one of these movies. I'm like, I don't. Great. Let's do it.

27. How many dresses do you give it? producers like oh no like one of these movies i'm like i i don't great let's do it 27 how many dresses do you give it i think in this i think this is like 20 dresses that's why i thought it was a good number to pick because i i think it is horrifying but we'll get worse okay i started too high up the dress meter it's okay okay we're having fun having fun. We are. Are you having fun? I am. I'm having fun too. Okay, we're both having fun. Okay, cool. 2001's Shallow Hal. The horror of finding out that your new boyfriend has been

hallucinating a Gwyneth Paltrow thin version of you the entire time he's known you. You think anyone could keep a lid on that throughout an entire relationship? No. If I'm Hal, I'm spilling the beans the first time we get drunk together because the ending taught us they really love each other. And if so, they wouldn't they would have communicated with each other. I have a question.

Yeah. OK, the fat shadow behind her. What does that represent? That represents her real self. What? And this is this is in the era like this was in the era where like. like this was in the era where like yeah so this film is basically saying

that he's a good person because he loves the real her which means he sees a version of her that doesn't exist is the real her also played by Gwyneth Paltrow or we never see her no it's really I literally have not seen this it's sort of you know

the movie The Whale that came out this is comedy The Whale Oh this is comedy Version of that movie In a sense When that involves A fat suit This is 28 dresses

For me Okay I think that's right I think that's right 1993's Groundhog Day The dread of realizing Bill Murray's character Has been slowly learning

About Annie McDowell As he tries to have sex With her thousands Upon thousands of times None of which she retains When the day resets There's also another character In the film That he dupes as he tries to have sex with her thousands upon thousands of times, none of which she retains when the day resets. There's also another character in the film that he dupes into having sex with him

we don't know how many times. Oh. Yeah. I don't remember that part of this movie. Remember he goes, he walks by this woman. I'm experiencing a groundhog today. He says to her,

he gets some information, like where'd you go to school? When did you graduate? So the next time he wakes up, he can go up to her and say, he can pretend they went to high school together and then smash yes and then and then yeah this movie is like two or three dresses this seems fine all right well you know that's that's and that's what we're getting in this seems fine it seems fine wait what's your dress count on this one? Oh, I think it's not. It's pretty high.

I think it's pretty high. Because of Bill Murray? Well, yes. I mean, I think, yes. But also I think from the perspective of the women of the film, you know, I guess it's sort of like, what is the moral cost of the days between his first day and his last day in which he mistreats people who then wake up having that never in some sense happened. I should give this more dresses. I think a few

more dresses wouldn't hurt. 20 more dresses. Okay, I think 20 dresses. We're in the 20 dresses range. 1998's You've Got Mail. The horror of gleaning the fact that Tom Hanks is clearly enjoying the destruction of Meg Ryan's bookstore on level no type no kind person could do something so so bizarre he he not only once he finds out that it's her he a continues his plan to destroy her

livelihood and b stands her up and then humiliates her when she thinks she's going to meet the love of her life he owns basically barnes and before Amazon. He could have just said, hey, this one branch of the bookstore, we're not having a kid's bookstore. And we're going to have a little sign that says, check out the shop around the corner. That's all it would take. All he fucking needed was one sign that said, check out the shop around the corner, around the corner. And then they both would have been fine, and she forgives him, even though he seems to have learned nothing. I'm going to give it a dress,

because here's the thing. It is a remake of one of my absolute favorite movies, Shop Around the Corner, by one of my absolute favorite filmmakers, Ernst Lubitsch. Okay. And I enjoy it. It's capitalism.

Yeah, and it's gaslighting. And it's marvelous. One dress. One dress. Sorry, Meg. Sorry, Meg. It's one dress. It was for my entertainment, Meg.

Now we have 1993's Sleepless in Seattle, the Nora Ephron rom-com. The horror of a woman who only knows you from the radio following you to your houseboat where you live with your son. That sounds pretty bad oh okay we are not on the same page we are not see that's what makes that's what makes life wonderful diversity yeah that is what it is yeah yeah wait this is okay keep going i've interrupted you no i've said my piece okay she basically stalks this man she does and she uses And she uses her nascent reporter's internet. Do you remember with the green screen and the typing? That's right.

To look up information about him. She goes into microfiche, and she pulls up the location of his houseboat. Also, by the way, you know what's horrifying? The idea of dating someone on a houseboat. This just sounds like dating to me. That is like dating. Right? Like, don't you just, don't you stalk whoever you're about?

This is fine. Yeah, I agree. I'm with you. One or two dresses. One dress at max. It's fine. You're fine, Meg. Wow.

I'm also realizing that. Is the other movie payback for what she does in this movie? Yes. Wow. Yes. They are in conversation with each other. I stand by my single dress rating and you've got mail the fox family does have a houseboat see right right

cinema cinema cinema yeah yeah let's keep i'm excited let's what's next up we have 2005s in 2005's In Her Shoes. I fucking hate this movie. Y'all literally found... Okay, okay, yeah, no. I also have feelings about this movie that I definitely saw. I hate this movie. Here's the deal with 2005's In Her Shoes. The horror of realizing

that we're supposed to forgive Cameron Diaz for sleeping with her sister's boyfriend, her sister played by Toni Collette. That's Toni... Okay. Because the reason we're supposed to forgive Cameron Diaz for sleeping with her sister's boyfriend, her sister played by Toni Collette. That's Toni? Okay. Because the reason we're supposed to forgive Cameron Diaz is because Cameron Diaz's character can't read.

Yeah. No, it's fucking crazy. We can't show it. You can't even show the thing because it trivializes not being able to read. It's un-fucking-believable so have you guys seen this movie okay thank okay okay i didn't know this was a movie until now it is it is tony collette is really in this movie it's a moral horror okay like the the the idea that like the idea that like cheating with your sister's boyfriend is like undone in terms of like your culpability because you can't read. Why can't she read?

I don't think it's really fully explained. Okay. But it really fucks up her audition to be an MTV VJ. That's real. Which makes sense. This feels like the horror is society. Yeah, I think that's right. Yeah, 25 dresses.

And finally, man, we really did just load you up with the absolute worst of the worst. Okay, great. 2011's Crazy Stupid Love. Everything about this film is haunted. A teenage girl takes nude photos to send to Steve Carell. Then at the end, she hands the photos to Steve Carell's son, who she babysits, to quote, get him through high school. Oh, that is fucked up.

That's fucked up. Also, this movie has something that always bugs me in a movie. Okay. Which is when a character hijacks some sort of big event for a bunch of people to give a speech. In this case, I believe it's like a high school graduation or some kind of ceremony at a school and gives a long speech directly to one person. But if you were in real life and you're just at like a graduation ceremony for your niece

or something, and then a random parent gives a long-winded apology to another stranger you've never met like just kicks the principles waiting off to the side you'd be like get the fuck out of here this isn't your day this isn't about you it's like it's narcissism run amok white people are crazy i i honestly would be yeah, this is pretty typical. Okay. 25 dresses. 25 dresses. No, I like this movie, though. 12 dresses.

12 dresses. Okay. I like how we get on the same page, though. Yeah, that's part of it. That's part of it. Great. Well, thank you for having me. I was trying to think of another question.

How are you doing today? I'm okay. Yeah. You've been dealing with some loss. Yeah, yeah. No, it's been really hard since Brian died. Yeah. He was crushed.

He was crushed by a chandelier. Yeah. Yeah. And then somebody played a baseball organ, which I think was insulting because it was meant to be something more scary. Right. To create the mood of hauntedness. You should play the song chandelier.

Oh yeah. By Sia. There's a video going around on Tik TOK and I don't know that you've seen it where I believe it's a Kathy Griffin hosted dinner party. Okay. And then at the dinner party, Sia starts singing her songs at the table, like kind of acapella.

White people. Well, and I just, and it's being shared like, isn't this amazing? Wouldn't it be so cool to be at a dinner party where Sia starts singing her song? But all I can think is like, oh my fucking God. You know what I mean?

You're sitting at a dinner table and then all of a sudden like, someone's just singing and you're all just sitting in fucking silence while someone does their art. Crazy stupid love. It's not, I don't, it makes me so uncomfortable. Did she have that wig on?

No, no, she's just in her, she's in civilian gear. She was Bruce Wayne, not Batman at that moment. You know what I mean? The wig is when she's in Batman mode. Wow. That would be an awkward dinner. I would like to be there though. Two dresses.

Justin Simien, everybody. Hey. He'll be back for the Rad Whale. This is fun. Next up, please give a very spooky welcome to... Whoa, why are the lights flickering? John! You should have worn a different shirt today, John.

You look so bad. Producer Brian, is that you? You're going to tell Justin fucking Simeon that you're okay if I die? It's a joke. It means nothing if I die? It means so much if you... Hey, hey. I'd be devastated...

Hey, Brian, I want you to know, I'd be devastated if you died. One more take. But Brian, you're dead I'm haunting you You dummy Watch this Watch what?

Ah I just got so cold and interested in Latin And summer stock theater for a second Brian did you just walk through me? Knock it off You may be a ghost But the rest of us still have a show to do Speaking of which

I got my cards mixed up When you startled me as an apparition. Which segment is next? Am I still on your meager little payroll? I knew you were going to do that. As a disembodied spirit, I don't think we're set up for that, no. Then I can't help you. All right, get out of here, Ghost Brian.

Go knock some stuff over at Tommy's house or something. Ooh! When we come back, this is working horny ghosts don't go anywhere this is love it or leave it and there's more on the way and we're back please welcome back to the stage two incredible hilarious returning champions. It's Jamie Loftus and Kieran Deal. That's us. That's us. It's the Rosé girls.

We're here. We're here. Welcome to our spooky episode. Thank you so much. We are very excited and a little bit frightened. Yes. No, I'm not. I'm very brave.

Oh, that's cool. You're brave? Thank you. Yes. That's nice. Do you... You know, what does it mean to you to be brave? Oh, it's more of a performance than anything else. But I think that's cool because it doesn't mean you can still be afraid and be brave.

Yeah, no, I do that every day. Anytime I'm walking around after 8 p.m., I'm performing Being Brave. Right. Right. I have a little knife on my keys, but no one knows that. They don't know that. It looks like a leaf. It looks like a leaf keychain.

I am the leaf, and inside is the knife. Does that make sense? Yes. That's like a poem. It is like a poem. Sorry. Yeah, I just wanted to read that poem for you guys. Is that okay?

If you're not afraid, you can't be brave. You're just someone who doesn't have... You know what I mean? To be brave is to be afraid, in a sense. You have to know fear to know bravery. Have you ever seen a ghost? Yes. And that undercuts everything else I just said,

so you don't have to take me seriously anymore literally like all of the rest of it is not important now it was like now i'm with white people talking about ghosts yes do you believe in ghosts of course i don't believe in ghosts jonathan of course i don't believe in ghosts say more about that what i i just i think it's come on what are we doing you know what i mean like yeah i don't know we're seeing ghosts it's it's we're manufacturing like fake problems of fucking like transparent creatures who are working on your lights get the fuck out of my life i have real bills to pay like you know gas is expensive eggs cost a lot of money that's what i'm focused on

ghost no i'm being a classic pisces right now thank you so much oh my god i don't know what this means but i put believing in ghosts and believing in horoscopes into the same category that feels that feels accurate horoscopes make more sense to me personally because they make more sense because it's like why would i want control in a world that makes me feel like i have none how do horoscopes help that problem wait so because it's like it's like oh did trump get elected because you know america is having a crisis of late stage capitalism or was mercury and retrograde oh okay i okay. I see. I see. Yeah. See, I try to focus more on service-oriented ghosts.

I like to think the ghosts are helping me out around the house. They're shutting shit off. Aren't those ancestors? That's ghosts. Wait, what? That's ghosts. Hold on a second. That's ghosts. What do you mean?

Ancestors. That's a different thing. Ghosts don't have to be strangers. Hold on a second. Are you saying. What do you mean? Ancestors. That's a different thing. I'm sorry. Ghosts don't have to be strangers. Hold on a second. Are you saying that you don't believe in ghosts, but you do believe your dead ancestors help you in your life? I mean, I don't believe that, but that makes more sense to me.

It's reasonable. What? Yeah. I mean, well, again, because that's more about a way to get through. Do you know what I mean? That's a way to get through your life when you feel like it's careening out of control ghosts to me are about creating a problem that is a distraction that you are focused on that doesn't have to exist your ancestors helping you through your life is a way to cope with your life careening

out of control does that make sense I guess what I'm hearing is in the same way that I've learned recently that a pumpkin is a gourd but a gourd isn't necessarily a pumpkin. An ancestor is a ghost but a ghost is not an ancestor and you're describing a specific kind of ghost. And this, John, this, John, is why I'm so grateful to know you

and also why it's disappointing that you haven't yet let me use your pool. It's important to see these things on air, you know? Yeah, good week for booze. Good week for booze. It would be a great week for booze. Huge. I love the decor.

I love the cobwebs everywhere. I do. I love that, though. I got some of those, like, spiders. Love the spiders. Yeah, I love the cobwebs everywhere. I do. I love that. I got some of those like spiders for my spiders. I love the little spiders. I love the 12 foot skeletons. There's been it's like kind of becoming a pox of 12 foot skeletons in my area. I got lost in my own neighborhood the other day, which is very much my fault.

But I came across, you know, this like glorious 12 foot skeleton that i do feel like they're kind of agents of the state because they have the computer eyes and so i do think that like i am being surveilled when i'm in front of the 12 foot skeleton but it works for me because when i'm being like when i'm beholding and being beheld by the 12 footfoot skeleton, I just feel this, I feel awe. I feel seen. I feel beautiful. And I just find myself standing in front of a stranger's home for minutes at a time looking at the big old skeleton.

Is it because you're also tall? I'm about half the size of the 12-foot skeleton. So about two meters, one skeleton. We're all about half the size of the 12-foot skeleton. So about two meters, one skeleton. John and I are about a third. We're all about half the size of the 12-foot skeleton. I'm so sorry. Yes. 12-foot skeleton.

That's also what I thought. Are you pro-con? How do we feel about it? Well, here's what I'm thinking about the 12-foot skeleton. Is that sometimes the bigger something gets, the scarier it gets. But sometimes it gets over a certain size and it starts becoming less scary. In the same way, so like, to me, a six

foot skeleton is scarier than a 12 foot skeleton. Because it reminds you of what is inside of your body right now. Right. It's plausible. In the same way that to me, a bigger spider is scarier than a littler spider. But once a spider becomes a crab, it stops being scary.

When does a spider start becoming a crab? When it's about the size of a crab. I see. You know what I'm saying? That was a stupid question. You know what I mean? It's making sense. Why do you think we think of spiders as spooky

but not other bugs? Like ants or flies. Why'd the spider get this brand? How spider get in on this halloween thing why are webs why are webs the thing i feel like if you can build a home through i think it's like okay i think with spiders they can build a home out of what i think i know nothing about spiders but they basically build a home out of what comes out of their ass, right? Yeah. Yeah. And I think that people are threatened by that. Because we can't do that.

The spider has, I mean, the spider is quite incredible. It has a tremendous amount of agency. It eats the other bugs. It has all those eyes and legs. You know, I agree with you that a spider is, it's quite magnificent of a creature. Spider is quite magnificent of a creature. Yeah, I think a lot of people and creatures and all these things that you're taught to believe are scary, it's just simply because they are so powerful.

They can shit out their house. They can shit out their house, and people don't feel comfortable with that. What I enjoy is going to a Halloween horror night or something like that. I like going to someplace where it's made to scare you but like legally they can't touch you because i find that to be one of the safest places on earth yeah do you know what i'm saying like nothing truly bad can happen to you at a place where like like killer clowns are coming at you and so whenever they come very close to my

face i end up cackling like a witch and finding it delightful and like giggling and like clapping my hands and they look so disappointed and the entire experience is like sex. So you try to scare the scarers? I don't scare I don't know. I am delighted by them and their efforts and the

delight is very disappointing to them. I find myself unable to step outside of whatever. I become quite guileless inside of any kind of horror environment, be it a haunted house, a hayride, or even a film. And I never, especially

when I was, I really struggled with horror movies. They really scared me. And it wasn't until I moved to LA as a full-fledged adult and went to a set for the first time that I figured out what to do when I was too scared of a horror movie, which it was, no matter what horror movie you're watching, no matter how scary it is,

no matter what's happening, I always remember that there's a Diet Coke and a tray of crackers and a thing with almonds within 20 feet of every single thing I'm seeing at all times. There's not a thing I'm seeing in which there isn't like a stack of kind bars just like right behind them.

And that really helps me. Yeah, there's a cheese tray by Jason. Yeah, just like somewhere just right, just behind whatever I'm seeing right there behind me in the world of the film. I feel that way whenever I'm like walking around in a city, I don't know, and it's getting dark. And you're just like, what am I going to around in a city I don't know and it's getting dark and you're just like, what am I going to do? If I get lost here, what's going to happen?

If I can live for another hour, I will hit a CVS. And I'll smell the carpet and then the world will retain order in some way. It's nice. That is nice. hey um speaking of ghosts was uh devin sawa as casper a pivotal stepping stone on your path to discovering your sexuality

as a kid as it was for everyone everyone are roughly roughly of an age that was young enough to watch casper when we were kids? Yes. See, I think the Casper the ghost, I saw Casper at the New Beverly this weekend because I was like, I gotta see Devin Sawa big as I can. But I personally am pro Bill Pullman

in Casper. The hot dad who also becomes a cartoon ghost. His cowlick was really is that a reflection of your own maturity and growth as a human woman yeah i'm no no when i was a kid too i wanted to fuck the dad that's cool but i think i think nothing so you're consistent you're consistent when i saw casper as a kid i remember it was it was it was too I definitely didn't know I was gay

but I remember when Casper becomes a real boy and dances with is that Christina Ricci Christina Ricci I remember just being like this is the coolest thing

I've ever seen Casper as a real boy is so cool I want to be friends with Casper the real boy and now I realize not too long ago we on love it or

leave it played a game called would you fuck this alien with the wonderful comedian morgan jay in celebration of both all hollows eve and love it or leave it's proud tradition of coming up with a title first and working our way backwards from there jamie and kieran get ready to play a segment we're calling would you fuck this ghost all right first up would you fuck this ghost bruce willis in 1990s the nines the six cents pro great with kids well this kid con settled for a marriage so terrible he didn't even realize his wife couldn't see him spoiler alert for the six cents i'm trying to be more generous in my narrative spectrum of who I would allow into my life and vagina but I'm still

going to go with no sorry so sorry I'm so sorry that I lost the crowd on that they're like oh my you should fuck that ghost see I have mostly led my sexual history with what would that be like and so I'm gonna be a hard yes I want to say what would that spectral dick be like you know and and I had a lot of questions

for your producers on this it's like if he's a ghost like like is there spectral dick like how does it function does it function like like does the person just go entirely through you? What does it feel like? Would you want him to tell you or would you want to just find out via it happening? Jamie, you ask the really hard questions. I'm sorry.

It's so hypothetical. I mean, I think I'd want to be prepared a little bit prepared. I'd want some narrative gesture of understanding. Whatever it is I'm in. Next up, Beetlejuice, the titular star of Tim Burton's 1988 classic, Beetlejuice.

I mean, this is... A pop from the crowd. They're like, not this one. You're a no? I're like, not this one. Do you, you're, you're a no? I would say yes on this one. Oh. I would go yes

because this guy's hilarious. Yeah. This guy's hilarious. This is most of the male stand-up community, basically. These are, you know. This is my,

this is my crowd. These are, this is my family, you know. This is doing nonsense. It's, you know. He's moldy.

He's doing bits. He's a stand-up. You're right. It's ridiculous. The suit. He's like know he's moldy he's doing bits he's a stand-up you're right it's ridiculous the suit he's con he's like he's like eddie murphy from the 80s yeah what's not to like it's great i've definitely fucked guys like this but i my whole thing i've actually thought about fucking beetlejuice quite a bit and my my whole thing for years has been when he comes, assuming he comes. He's dead. We don't know.

I'm assuming he comes scabs, right? Come on. No, stay with me. Are the scabs wet or dry? And I've thought about this further. And if he comes wet scabs, it sounds like a laser jet printer would. But if he comes dry scabs, it sounds like a deck of cards being shuffled.

And so the answer isn't would I, because I obviously would. But like, again, what would it be like? It's qualitative. Your questions are all qualitative. And they have such a great deal of detail. And I do want to be clear to the crowd

that we were refused to see the ghosts in advance so Jamie truly has thought about this this has been on my mind for a very long time in great detail

like that's not that's not you making that up on the spot that's like you have really gone on a deep dive as to what this would be like I think dry

it's a no for me dog as to what this would be like? I think dry. It's a no for me, dog. Next up, we have the library goes to the beginning of the original Ghostbusters. Well, that's in scary form, but the question is, would you, that's a no for me, but maybe in librarian form.

I like being shushed. That no for me. But maybe in librarian form. I like being shushed. That works for me. The teeth remind me of the English and I hate them. But I'm going to say yes because I like the two-tone mode of the ghost. And it feels like it would be fun. Something different. Like a roller coaster. Something different.

Something different. Something different. Jamie? I'm shocking myself by being a no on this ghost. It's a toothy ghost. Is it because they're ugly teeth? Look, I don't think that, as someone with gum disease, I wouldn't like to be seen in this form. So I don't think that the angle nor the transparency

is doing the ghost any favors. But yeah, I'm kind of a no for this ghost, just strictly on the vibes of the ghosts and Ghostbusters alone are bizarre to me, because I feel like ghosts, when they're like Casper or like Casper's uncles or the ghosts and Ghostbusters, if they're men, they can look like anything. But if they're women, it is just a transparent woman with huge jugs. like anything but if they're women it is just a transparent woman with huge jugs and i object to the ghost politics of ghostbusters so i'm a no on the librarian ghost next up we have jacob marley from charles dickinson's a christmas carol pro uh he warns his old co-worker ebenezer scrooge against being a lifelong prick lest he be tortured in the afterlife. He has the most normal ghost name on our list.

Also, but his con is he wears the chains he forged in life, and you know they're just going to absolutely destroy your sheets. I'm a hard no on this. And that's because if I'm not even going to see the fruits of the labor of your evil in your 1% in my life, I'm not fucking you in your afterlife when you're like, sorry, you know,

I'm not doing it. Okay. I would ultimately, I'm a no, but I would really play it out for a while. I feel like I could be an extension of his hell on earth in a really interesting way. Where I would really get him to believe

that I will stick around and I will so much as hover my pelvis above this ghost. But when it comes to, you know, ride or die, I will not ride. And he is dead. Yeah, I agree. Sorry, Marley, it's a no. I will not ride. And he is dead. Yeah, I agree.

Sorry, Marley. It's a no. Sorry to this ghost. This is the Elon Musk of ghosts. It's a pass. It's a pass. Next up, The Ghost of Christmas Past as played by Carol Kane in Scrooged. Pro, it's Carol fucking Kane.

Con, there is no con she's got she does a little she has a little um uh uh uh snm vibe in this film you know she's constantly kind of tweaking them and and like kind of poking them and instilling little bits of pain you know that's her vibe I would let this woman hit me yeah that's right she could do whatever she wants she and also the fact that she represents the past and like something that I can really glaze

over and idealize is just a perk I'm sorry to correct I believe I misspoke I believe she does represent the present oh that's worse but of course I would still fuck her sorry to correct. I believe I misspoke. I believe she does represent the present. Oh, that's worse. But of course I would still fuck her. Because she takes him around

the present. Because it's the cab driver that takes Bill Murray back to the past to see his childhood home. It's Carol Kane takes him through the present. I would fuck Carol Kane. That is correct next up and finally

we have Slimer from 1984's Ghostbusters hell yeah hell yeah there he is Slimer a palpable

joie de vivre that we can imagine translating nicely to the bedroom. Khan, the slime, which also might be a pro, depending. We have no idea what Slimer was as

a person. We don't know what... Slimer doesn't actually make sense. Sometimes he moves through things. Sometimes he moves through things. Sometimes he bumps into things. He can eat hot dogs and move through walls and people. Where do the hot dogs go? What do they become?

Why does he want them? People have asked this about me many times. Food tastes good to Slimer. Yeah. To what end? Are you going to fuck Slimer or not he's memorable I mean you have to give it to him that he's memorable like we all know him we all smile

a little bit but I can't decide if Slimer is somebody that I would friend zone and be like oh Slimer you crazy you crazy ghost I just don't feel I just don't I just don't feel it here have a hot dog let's get a coffee it's fine I just don't have those feelings for you slimer yeah exactly i i like and i i hear you like we are so compatible um and we get along we have so much fun but for

me it's just not there between you guys but it's just not there and then slimer's like oh it's because you just you just don't find me attractive and it's like no no Slimer that's not it I don't like how he's confrontational like that that bothers me that was a

hypothetical but it's actually what I like about Slimer because it's like so direct you know he's like Slimer here's the thing about Slimer

you like that Slimer doesn't play fucking games obviously which is weird because he like has nothing if not time yeah yeah

like all ghosts but that that counts for everyone on the list No, obviously, which is weird because he has nothing if not time. Yeah. Like all ghosts, but that counts for everyone on the list, technically. That's true. But you're a no for Slimer? Yeah, I'm a no on Slimer. I'm a no on Slimer. I think we'd have fun hanging out, but I can't go there with you, Slimer. That's what, yeah, I'm kind of of the same opinion.

I feel like he is... Life of the party. Life of the party, but a bit of a tryhard, you know? And this is not a mistake you would make after you've had a few glasses of wine. You know, you just wouldn't make this mistake. You would make the mistake that I said earlier, Beetlejuice. That is the kind of, yeah.

You know what I'm saying? I was like, Beetlejuice, how do you fucking of, yeah. You know what I'm saying? Slimer's like, Beetlejuice, how do you fucking do it? Exactly. If they were meeting, I do feel like that would be the conversation. I do feel like Beetlejuice would constantly be getting laid, and Slimer would be like, but I'm more interesting than you. What's happening? But if you put a suit on Slimer, would it change things?

I just, you know. He's so amorphous. You know, I love scraps, and so I would probably make this work. I could fix him. I could improve this guy. I do think Slimer is peak. This is what passes for a man in the Ghostbusters universe,

and a woman has to have huge tits. I cannot emphasize it enough. And also has to be giving Dan Aykroyd, I think, a blowjob in the one scene in which she appears. Dan Aykroyd does get a blowjob in this film. Meanwhile, anyone who would fuck a man in their life, which is already generous, is left with Slimer. Doing God's work, yeah. Is left with Slimer.

But he is at a hot dog stand, and so I feel like we do have things in common. I think we would have places to go and things to do. And I would probably hang out with him for three to four years before coming to my senses. So would you describe him as Gen Z? Oh. Would I describe Slimer as Gen Z? Like kind of transient, like vibing, going with the flow, eating hot dogs, but sometimes

showing up where they're not wanted. You're describing me to myself. So I guess I would. Yeah, I would do it. Yeah, I guess the question for all of us is would Slimer fuck us? Yeah. The question we didn't ask even one time about any of these ghosts. It didn't occur to us even one time to imagine that any one of these ghosts would say no to us.

Like, Bruce Willis might not be interested in us. Slimer might be exceptionally choosy about who he gives his ghost to. I'm the only person on this panel who is like, impossible. They would all want to fuck us. We're great. I would engage in a long friendship with Slimer while he slowly explained to me why he did not want to fuck me over a course of months.

So I think I'm a yes on Slimer. The hard to get component. Yeah. Yeah. He's not like other ghosts. He's fucking disgusting and we have to and we simply have to leave it there thank you so much to jamie and kieran jamie's incredible book raw dog is out now that was a book we talked about last time your hot dog

book yeah uh and kieran is in seattle november 4th at the crocodile room and her special is taping right here in la at dynasty type at Dynasty Typewriter on November 12th. When we come back, it's time for the Rant. Oh, great. What now, Ghost Brian? I'm bored, John. No one in West Hollywood is even scared of me. They keep looking at their phones.

So why not just walk into the light or whatever? Why are you still here? I don't know. Slimer said I'd get out of here if I fucked him, so I did, and it didn't even help. Oh, no. Oh, no. Let's figure this out. Do you have any unfinished business?

A score to settle? Something left unsaid? Hmm. Maybe there is something I need to get off my chest. Something I need to say to you, John. Okay, but is it nice? What? Uh.

Is it about how good a boss I am, Brian? Okay, so the thing is. Never mind. Shut up. Shut up. You can't haunt the series crush forever. I don't even want to hear it. Don't make me shush you.

I know how much you like it. Get out of here. Get out of here, Brian. Fine. If eligible. Oh, no. That was the Ozempic theme song. He still has our sound library.

I didn't think this through. Oh, well, we come back the rant wheel. And we're back. You guys know about Carry Emma shoes. They're cool. They're ethically made. And you can walk around in them without having to take embarrassing little breaks. I love and wear Carry Emma sneakers all the time. They are very

good. They're very comfortable. They look cool. I can't believe we just released a second shoe with them the love it or leave it sneakers they even have a tiny picture of a dog surfing on them also a portion of the proceeds from every single pair we sell is donated to vote save america's every last vote fund crooked's last collaboration with carryuma sold out super quickly so make sure to snag a pair while you can they're the perfect gift for the holiday season with free returns. They're really awesome. There's two beautiful designs. One is in lavender and one is in black. They're really cool. Check them out. Crooked.com slash store. Also, quick shout out to our Friends of the Pod subscription community. I'm stopping by the Friend of the Pod Discord on Wednesday,

November 1st for a round of Ask Me Almost Anything, where I'll be chatting with subscribers and answering your questions. If you haven't subscribed to Friends of the Pod yet, please do it. Go to crooked.com slash friends to sign up. And again, when you sign up for the best friends tier on the community, a portion goes to support Vote Save America. The Friends of the Pod community is great. You get A, a bunch of content

that you only get as a subscriber. We do a really awesome show called Terminally Online. There's a Discord, which is basically like a Twitter just for us without the bots and freaks. And you get to be part of the Voice of America community. And being part of the community is very fun. Once you sign up, you will see. So please go to

crooked.com slash friends and sign up. Alright, please welcome back Justin to the stage to join for the rant wheel. Hi, over there. I've been drinking. Great. Yeah, you have. Oh, yeah.

Now it's time for the round wheel. Yeah. This week on the wheel, we have jack-o'-lanterns in LA. We have learning things about Brittany, Jada, and Justin. We have the culture. We have minions are the most genius comedy innovation since the Marx Brothers. We have

slutty costumes. We have green ribbon around my wife's neck. Oh, I hate that fucking story. We have rapping at my chamber doors, and we have things that go bump in the night. Let's spin the wheel. Almost. Jack-o'-lanterns in L.A. This is my rant. Here's what I wanted to say.

We don't have the temperature for them. We simply can't have them. I love carving a pumpkin. Every year, one of my favorite events is the Crooked Pumpkin Carving. And every year, it is in mid-October, and within 72 hours, I got a fucking pile of disgusting pumpkin mold sitting in front of my door. This environment is not meant for these seasonal gourds. And we should still carve something out here, but it just doesn't have to be a pumpkin. I'm open to other ideas. doesn't have to be a pumpkin. I'm open to other ideas.

I'm open to carving something else, but I love the carving tradition and the pumpkins, it's just not working. It's simply not working. And we have to face it. Climate change is real. It is here. It is happening. All right.

The same reason that State Farm is abandoning us is the same reason these pumpkins can't make it till October 31st. They simply cannot make it. Thank you. It's not just State Farm. It's also GEICO. And GEICO.

Wait, what's happening? The insurance companies are saying goodbye to California because of our fires and floods and storms. No, the pumpkins. What's happening with the pumpkins? The pumpkins are rotting. The pumpkins are turning to shit too quickly because of the

because I because you carve a pumpkin here's the thing I don't do I don't carve a pumpkin okay yeah and this isn't about you

well why is it not about me why don't you carve a pumpkin because it's it's labor intensive it's fun such a good answer it's a fun thing to do

but if you have one day basically we had one day where it hit like 88 or 90 degrees. That pumpkin is absolutely fucking toast. And I know that they say online you put Vaseline in the little eye holes

that you make. You do? That doesn't do anything. You lube up your pumpkin? You're supposed to. That's nasty. I learned it from the lady who also explains

that you can get the pumpkin goop out by using your hand mixer. Okay. Are the pumpkins like a euphemism for something? No, they're just simply pumpkins. Okay. But you did say gourd like a lot. Yeah.

Well, maybe it is a euphemism. Okay. That's what I thought. I think people of LA, the people of Los Angeles are quite annoying anyway, so maybe you should just carve an avocado. Wow. That did not go over well with the crowd in Los Angeles. No, it did. John is mad, though.

I think that's going to do well globally, so fuck you guys. Yeah. And that's an important thing that we try to keep in mind here, which is that this audience is insignificant to the vast numbers of people that listen to this show at home. The 14 of you and your disdain for me does not matter. It doesn't matter.

If every person in this room decided to never listen to the podcast again, we wouldn't know. It would be just completely invisible into the scale. You don't understand how popular this show is. Also, but also, but also, thank you so much for being here. Thank you for being here. It's wonderful to see you all and we love you. We love you in your presence and your bright shining faces.

And the pumpkin is a metaphor for the impossibility of LA fulfilling the promise we invent for it in our minds. Damn. Whoa. You got to lube it up. We got to lube up the holes of Los Angeles. You got to lube up that hole in got to lube up the holes of Los Angeles. You got to lube up that hole in your heart. That's beautiful. That's beautiful.

And that lube still isn't going to get you there, which is even more of the Los Angeles metaphor. Which, by the way, speaking of lube, I have another rant. Okay. It's not on the wheel. It's not on the wheel. The homophobia of y'all not asking me what ghosts I would fuck. What?

It was just segmenting. You heard me. Slimer would have made an excellent lubricant. I would not have fucked him. But still, I wanted to bring that up. Continue. Well, again, it was truly, simply the luck of which segments.

It was homophobia. luck of which segments. It was homophobia and racism. All right. And I'm learning and I'm listening and I'm taking it in and I'm leaving, creating space to appreciate what you're saying. No, it's fine. And not getting defensive. I got it off my chest. We can.

to appreciate what you're saying. No, it's fine. And not getting defensive. I got it off my chest. We can... And just for clarity, it's a no on Slimer. It was a no on Slimer. I'm still the only yes on Slimer.

That's right. But Beetlejuice was a quick yes. But y'all don't know that. It doesn't matter. Let's keep going. I have other things. Beetlejuice was a yes for me too. Oh my God, I'm like Justin.

We're like friends. It's fine. Let's spin it again. That was pumpkins. It has landed on the culture. The culture was mine. And that was because, guys, what the fuck do I have to say about Halloween?

Really, you know, is the question. And I just got back from the uk that's a real thing and i was telling jamie in the green room i said uh i hate it there we talked about this the teeth look like a mouth of broken piano keys and um the weather there looks like what depression feels like it's just gray skies that just go on and on and on it's like that's one of the reasons i'm very grateful that I live in this land of avocados and sun. It's because when I feel shitty, it's me.

And it's not the weather and I love that about here. You know, I love that about here. But one thing that the British really do right is in their costuming it's all about being bloody. It's not about being sexy. It's not about being slutty. It's all about being bloody. It's not about being sexy. It's not about being slutty. It's all about being bloody.

If you're Pocahontas, it's not sexy Pocahontas. It's bloody Pocahontas. It's bloody Lady Bird, not sexy Lady Bird. And I was like, these are the OG colonizers. Maybe they like are, it's a little showcase for them. I kind of love it, you know. Pun. Love it, you know.

It's like pretty chic. And yeah. And the bloodiness is something that I personally appreciate quite a bit. Especially since the special that I'm shooting at Dynasty Typewriter on November 12th is actually about getting hit in the face with a bottle and being bloodied. And that is happening on Diwali, which is, you know, Halloween, Halloween and Diwali fall very close together. But the other thing I would talk about in terms of culture is the combo holiday. Halloween always falls very close to Diwali, and I would like to see more Diwali parties.

I would like to see a little bit more of the other cultures. We are a melting pot of a nation. And I think you're right. Cobwebs are a little tired. The jack-o'-lanterns are moldy. You know, why not avocados? And why not bring in the traditions traditions the bloody gore of Britain you know the wali

of the Indian into our Halloween celebration so that we update it as we head towards destruction in late stage capitalism together let's spin it again that's wild. That's wild. That's challenging.

Oh, this isn't fair. Slutty costumes are a vital part of our society. This is a counterpoint. It's actually a counterpoint. This is becoming a debate now. And I also didn't know they just published the full sentence you send in the email. Okay, well, I do think this is true. I've come all the way around on this.

This is my rant. Slutty costumes, I think, are a vital part of our society. I think because I was grown, I was conditioned when I was a kid to not dress slutty, to believe that it is a bad thing to dress like a slutty insert job for Halloween Halloween well I think it all depends on what you are dressing slutty as there are bad decisions that are made each and every year that are very telling about who you're looking at right and I think we as taxpayers are funding people's little

outfits all the fucking time we're funding the military's little outfits we're funding the military's little outfits. We're funding the police force's little outfits. When Halloween comes around, I want to be dressing as the sluttiest person I find important as possible. This year, it is Jigsaw. Jigsaw, I think it is important to examine the question, what would Jigsaw look like with titties? And am I the ideal candidate to show that?

If you're sitting in the room, obviously I'm not. But I do think that it is important to encourage people to be as slutty as they want. Halloween is a real mating season. You can meet some people that look a lot of interesting ways. Beetlejuice, for instance. Beetlejuice. And then you're like, well, what does he come?

And now I can find out this is my opportunity, right? There's a lot of chances. And for a long time, I refused to dress as slutty anything. And last year, I tried slutty minion. And it's the simplest costume in the world. It's just a yellow leotard with your ass hanging out and anything denim. And if we're speaking to Halloween budget,

it couldn't be easier. You have the denim at your house most likely. The yellow leotard, pretty easy to find, pretty low budget. And you will get fucked as a slutty minion. It's just so easy. Now, quick question. Because you were so anti the slutty titty ghosts in Ghostbusters.

Do you believe that on a deeply subconscious level that that affected you into believing that now as an adult you would actualize the sluttiness in the costume today there's a past part of you that is disgusted but the present part of you is empowered i hear you i hear you not another question no i don't i'm not gonna ask i'm not gonna ask you i just want to just kind of like put in brackets, the term titty ghost. And continue. And we're putting titty ghosts on the table for now. I do think that there is something to that.

What I would like in my titty ghosts is a wider variety. As a woman, if I'm a ghost, I want to be girl Slimer, you know? I want to be hawking up loogies with a full set of teeth eating a hot dog, but I don't have that option. Is girl Slimer just Slimer with a bow? Slimer, yeah. It's a Ms. Pac-Man situation. What if Slimer's non-binary?

Well, I guess, yeah, no one asked Slimer. Yeah, nobody asked. Nobody asked Slimer. Not-binary. Well, I guess, yeah, no one asked Slimer. Yeah, nobody asked. Nobody asked Slimer. Not one of you asked. Slime on all our fucking faces. Right? Yeah. Right?

Yeah. It has landed on learning things about Britney Spears, Justin Timberlake, Will and Jada Smith against my will. That's the whole of the rant because I didn't want to learn anything about these people. Today, yesterday, this week, I opened up my Instagram for like two seconds. And now I know what Michelle Williams sounds like talking like Britney Spears, describing Justin Timberlake saying for shizzle and I don't like that I didn't ask for that

and now it's in my head forever and Will and Jada I don't even know what they're doing but it's weird and I know about it you know and in conclusion Haunted Mansion is now available on Blu-ray and DVD.

And this is how I get paid because these are where the residuals kick in. So y'all need to, I'm looking at the 14 of y'all, but everyone else listening. For the people listening at home, there's 200 people here. Yeah.

Like, here's the deal. If you are not, if you want to support black artists, you will buy it. Haunted Mansion. Also, Bad Hair, my first film, Dear White People, as well. And also, you know, I just wish Brittany the best. And then that's my rant.

Thank you. I love y'all now. And that's the rant wheel. When we come back, we'll end on a high note. And we're back. And now here it is, because we all'll end on a high note. And we're back. And now here it is, because we all need it, the high note. Hi, my name is Emma, and I'm in St. Paul, Minnesota. And my high note is that at Breast Cancer Awareness Month,

I actually just finished my battle with breast cancer and I'm officially cancer-free. After 10 months of the diagnosis, journey, and treatment, including 16 brutal chemo infusions, I'm officially done, and I'm so, so happy and relieved. And I just wanted to say thanks to the Love It or Leave It team for keeping me laughing through lots of recovery and a lot of time driving to and from the hospital. Thanks to you all. Hi, Love It. This is Shannon, and I live in Fort Worth, Texas. My high note this week is that I have recently rediscovered the public library. I am single, and I don't have any kids, and so I pay tons of property taxes and see no tangible benefit.

see no tangible benefit. But with the public library, which is free, I have my library card. They have e-readers and electronic options, and it's just really fantastic. So just wanted to share my recent learning. It's fantastic, and I'm on my second book loaned. Thanks for all you do. Hi John, my name is Elizabeth and my high note is something that I've been trying to do for a couple years now and finally just accomplished last week. I was able to publish my very first graphic novel. It's called How to Completely Lose Your Mind, and it's about a tour that I did with my band Pocket Vinyl where we attempted to break a world record. We're on the book tour for it right now, and it's been such a joy to see all of these people reading this book that has taken me so long it has so many hardships and so many trials to get it published and to get it into people's hands.

Oh, and then lastly, I did want to say that I've been encouraging people to buy it by going to bookshop.org slash crooked and use your offer code love it. Thanks. Bye. Hey, love it. My name is Frazier. Hey, Lovett. My name's Frazier. I'm calling in the early hours of the morning on October 24th from Birmingham, Alabama. I'm very excited to share that I've been out canvassing and putting out signs and such for the first openly trans candidate to run for the Alabama State House. Today's election day, and I'm really excited to see that things can change across the South, you know? Kind of gives you hope. Hi, Love It. My name is Ernestine, and I'm calling from Berlin, Germany.

My highlight is that after two years of crushing unpaid labor, Next week, a dream becomes a reality. Here in Berlin, we are launching the first by all gender, for all gender, collectively owned and operated escort agency called Paramore Collective. It's been a long road. Your podcast has kept me laughing while dragging myself

through reams and reams of German bureaucratic paperwork in a language that not even Germans understand. So thank you for all that you do, keeping my spirits high. And if you ever decide to become both body positive and sex positive, the sex worker rights movement in the U.S. could really use all the support it can get. The sex worker rights movement in the U.S. could really use all the support it can get. I spent seven years working towards that fruitless cause before moving to Germany to greener pastures. For more information on that, you can reach out to me at oppressmenot at protonmail.com.

So O-P-P-R-E-S-S-M-E-N-O-T at P-R-O-T-O-N-mail.com. So O-P-P-R-E-S-S-M-E-N-O-T at P-R-O-T-O-N-mail.com. And I'm happy to provide you with a long list of amazing activists in the States who are working very, very hard to protect the safety and the livelihood of sex workers. Thanks. Ciao. Thanks, everybody who shared a high note tonight. If you want to leave us a message about something that gave you hope call us at 323-538-2377 that is our show thank you so much to jamie loftus justin simeon and kieran deal and to ghost brian there are 373 days until the 2024 elections that's almost a year year. People, buckle up. Have a great night. Thanks for coming out, and have a great weekend. Woo!

Love It or Leave It is a Crooked Media production. Kendra James is our executive producer. Brian Semel is our producer. And Malcolm Whitfield is our associate producer. Hallie Kiefer is our head writer. Sarah Lazarus, Jocelyn Kaufman, Poulavi Gunalan, Peter Miller, and Alan Pierre are our writers. Lee Eisenberg produces the show. It's mixed and edited by Evan Sutton.

Kyle Seglin and Charlotte Landis provide audio support. Our theme song is written and performed by Sure Sure. Thanks to our designers, Jesse McClain and Bernardo Serna for creating and running all of our visuals, which you can't see because this is a podcast, and to our digital producer, Zuri Ervin, David Toles, Mia Kelman, and Matt DeGroote for filming and editing video each week so you can. You can find those glorious videos at youtube.com slash at love it or leave it podcast. serve Zuri Irvin, David Toles, Mia Kelman, and Matt DeGroote for filming and editing video each week so you can. You can find those glorious videos at youtube.com slash at loveitorleaveitpodcast.

Do us a favor and subscribe to Love It or Leave It on YouTube. And don't forget to follow us at Crooked Media on Instagram and Twitter. And if you're as opinionated as we are, consider dropping us a review. I want to talk to you about another podcast called Comedy Bang Bang. If you haven't heard of Comedy Bang Bang, it's one of the longest running comedy podcasts out there and truly revolutionized the medium.

Every episode, host Scott Aukerman interviews a famous guest like Andy Samberg, Sarah Silverman, or Jon Hamm. But unlike every other normal interview show, Scott and the guest are joined by a group of unhinged fictional characters played by the best comedic improvisers around, people like Nick Kroll, Lauren Lapkus, Paul F. Tompkins, and Ben Schwartz. Over the years, the podcast has built an expanded universe with tons of recurring jokes and fan favorite characters.

But the best part is you can still easily jump in at any time and enjoy a new episode as a first time listener. So check out new episodes of Comedy Bang Bang every Monday, wherever you listen.