Lovett or Leave It - The King’s Bleach

Episode Date: April 25, 2020

John Hodgman judges the monologue. Ronan Farrow and I face tough questions from Akilah Hughes. Katie Porter joins for an update from Congress. And we hear this week’s highs (and a few rants) from listeners. Packed show! A real barn burner. (Burning barns does NOT cure coronavirus.)

Welcome, everybody, to the back to the closet again. The virus is causing a great big old pause in our lives. John must go back to the closet again. Yeah. That incredible intro song is by Luke Holmes and Sid McSweeney in Columbus, Ohio. We want to use a new one each week. If you want to make one, send it to us at hey at crooked dot com and maybe we'll use yours. And you can tweet yours at me, too, because I don't want to be left out this week. We also asked you to call your senators

and demand safe elections in November. So far, more than 3000 of you have used the call tool on vote, save America dot com slash call. And even if you haven't yet, you almost certainly have no excuse. There is a script. You go to the website, fill in your information, you press a button, your phone rings

as it's calling your senators for you. There's a script in front of you. It's super easy. Please, please, please do it. We also want to hear from you directly. Why do you need safer voting options this year? Send in a video to help us make the case to local and state governments and to Congress.

Text it to us at 323-405-9944. 323-405-9944. Later in the show, we'll be joined by Congresswoman Katie Porter, Pulitzer Prize winner Ronan Farrow, whose turn it is to empty the dishwasher, friend of the pod, Akilah Hughes, and listeners. But first, he's a comedian, authorilah Hughes, and listeners. But first, he's a comedian, author, and in 2017 was named one of Portland Magazine's top 10 interesting Mainers, the one, the only, John Hodgman. Oh, what a power lineup today. I'm very, I'm intimidated to be part of the show. Thank you very much for having me. Listen, your credit's there. I mean, most interesting Mainers. I didn't know that I had made

the Portland Magazine list. That's pretty good. Portland, Maine. Wow. It's a huge deal. It's a huge deal. Portland is the largest, it's not the capital of Maine, but it's the largest city of Maine. I spend a lot of time in Maine. It's got a lot of craft brewing. It's got a lot of people with tattoos and beards. Why, they call it the Portland of Maine. Terrible. Terrible. You shouldn't have me here.

No, I'm so happy to have you. And I was so enjoying our buildup. I wanted to know what it was going to be, the thing of Maine, and that it turned out to be the Portland of Maine was such a delight. Oh, that's such a pleasure. Oh, my goodness. Well, it's a lot of fun to be here. I'm a listener to the program.

I'm also a professional podcaster myself, so there's a lot of collegiality here. It's been great. I've had a great time. You know, I don't know if you know this, but I warmed up the audience today. You did? Yeah, yeah. I got out there. I did 25 minutes of virtual crowd work before you got out there, so they're really ready.

I can tell. A lot of nice wallpaper you got there there. So they're really ready. I can tell. A lot of nice wallpaper you got there. Yeah, that's right. What's your background? What's your background? The beach? I hate the beach. What's up with the beach?

I don't have anything after that. Never mind. It's as good as I got. I'm delighted. Well, so John has graciously agreed to be this week's monologue judge. You're actually a famed judge, a world-renowned judge. Yes, I have a podcast called Judge John Hodgman. Thank you. And so no one better to come and judge these jokes than you.

It's quarantine times. We're all doing the best we can. That's, and I really hope that's the spirit you bring to evaluating the material that you're about to hear. Yeah, well, you just heard my crowd work garbage. Of course, I'm going to go easy. All right, let's get into it. What a week. Security experts are raising the alarm over a bunch of privacy and security problems with Zoom, including, for example, that Zoom technically claims permission to use customers' private videos in ads. When a reporter reached Zoom for comment, a company spokesperson said, it's no wonder you're so angry, Jessica.

I see you day after day in Zoom meetings, poised, professional on top of it. But then I see you at night, Zooming with your ex-boyfriend who treats you so terribly. And yet you never notice how Brian from research stares at you, remembers that you were halfway through The Leftovers, asks you what you thought of the second season. You never notice because you don't feel safe inside an interaction where you are wanted. At Zoom, we take your privacy and happiness very Yeah, that was a real journey. Now, do you think that's a good opener or maybe a little too short? Not long enough. That just made me think about, first of all like the only thing i could think of was like are they gonna use my face in an ad i hope so i'll do anything to get back on an ad

any kind of ad please please take me choose me i'm a zoom you're a google hangout you know i don't i don't know what you're referring to according to my nda i want to go back to work, Apple. I'm here. I loved it. I loved Jessica. I felt really seen by Jessica's, the panopticon of Zoom. Now I feel like I'm an important person. Maybe someone's watching me. I like it. Maybe they're watching right now. All right. Disney is moving to furlough 100,000 workers, but has not yet announced any plans to suspend dividends for shareholders of as much as $1.5 billion. Disney animators, however, are staying busy on a film called Beauty and the Beast in Capitalism, where Lumiere and Cogsworth are joined by a sentient guillotine named Mr. Slicy to launch a general strike until the witch gives them back their bodies and lost wages as it makes no sense

for these workers to be punished by having to serve a rude beast and abet his scheme to kidnap an arrogant young woman from town who starts every day by singing about how the baker is a provincial fucking moron john do you think two long ones right away uh was a blunder it was that was i you know i i started out by saying the first one was a ride it was like getting stuck on space mountain while high yeah Yeah, okay. Can we get the jaws of life to Space Mountain? Yeah, even more, it was like getting stuck on Splash Mountain. It was like overstimulating and full of a racist IP, the Song of the South, that no one is even able to watch anymore. And all of a sudden, you're thrown off a cliff.

You're also just a little wet. I am a little wet. That's true. That is true. They really delicately thread the needle there at Splash Mountain with the parts of the story that they use. Yeah. And also it's like children don't know what

the song of the South, they don't know who Br'er Rabbit is. Even from just an IP point of view, never mind the horrible offense of that film. Like it's cuckoo. So that's how I felt listening to that joke. I felt like I was my third time on Splash Mountain not understanding what was happening to me.

But I love Mr. Guillotine. Ansel Elsgort, Elgort? Ansel Elgort posted a partially nude photo of himself on Instagram along with a link to a GoFundMe to raise money for hospitals and healthcare workers. This was good news for everyone except Timothee Chalamet, who screamed at his manager,

gay baiting is my thing. That was great. It's perfect setup, perfect payoff. Timothee. Timothee, Timothee, Timothee. How do you say it? Timothee? I think it's Timothee.

I think it's supposed to be Timothee. I think, I think. I don't know. Ansel Elgort. Ansel Elgort. Timotay Chalamet. Park Slopes own. My daughter used to see him shooting hoops at the YMCA before he hit it big. Wow, that's cool. That's as close as I've gotten to Hollywood in a long time.

Meanwhile, turns out Twitter is mad at Nancy Pelosi for having a nice freezer. Of course, she needs a big, nice freezer. That's where she keeps the bodies. What bodies, you ask? Questions like that are how you end up in Nancy Pelosi's freezer. Mm, she's a murderer.

She's like a Hannibal Lecter. Right, right, yeah, she's some kind, well, we don't know that she's a murderer, right? She doesn't necessarily have had, she certainly, a Betts murderer is aware of murder, is concealing bodies in the spirit, in that joke. She's either a murderer or she keeps a morgue as a hobby. Or she's kind of the, she doesn't, I mean, you know, it gets to be a semantic argument, but she may sit atop some kind of syndicate. Oh.

And her, you know, her henchmen are out there committing murders, maybe ordered by her, maybe just in the course of business. Real QAnon stuff. Yeah. This will all get hashed out in The Great Awakening once the mole children are released.

Earlier this week, Dr. Anthony Fauci said on an Instagram Live with Will Smith that the tooth fairy is immune to the virus and that she can still visit homes by practicing social distancing.

Unfortunately, the tooth fairy's payments will be a few weeks late because Trump demanded his signature be on every check. Speaking of our fair president, this week, President Trump signed an executive order to suspend immigration for 60 days, saying this would prevent foreigners from bringing the coronavirus into the country, despite the fact that we have the most cases anywhere in the world. This is a bit like when a hoarder doesn't want Dr. Zazio to come into the house.

The hoarder is standing in front of a rotten jack-o'-lantern in April and there are cat bones under the lazy boy, and he's still like, careful, you'll make a mess. Governor Brian Kemp of Georgia announced that tattoo parlors, bowling alleys, and hair salons will be reopened in his state thanks to, quote, new data. The new data, of course, was his wife saying, you promised me when we got married I wouldn't have to stop fucking Derek, the best bowler on the tattoo parlor's team, and I can't let him see these roots.

I love how you tied that all together. The best bowler on the tattoo parlor team. In a rare rebuke, Donald Trump said he strongly disagrees with Governor Kemp's decision to reopen businesses, although he understands the impulse because,

she really needs to keep fucking Derek. Now you're building a world. Now you're building a world. I like that. Yeah, very good.

I love callbacks. I love callbacks, especially to Derek, that guy. Boy, oh boy. In equally terrifying news, Carolyn Goodman, the mayor of Las Vegas, went on Anderson Cooper to call for the reopening of casinos. Here's what she said.

How do you know until we have a control group? We offer to be a control group. Anybody who knows anything about statistics knows that, for instance, you have a vaccine. You're offering the citizens of Las Vegas to be a control group. Look, we've all been asking for it for years, but finally Las Vegas is ready to gamble with human lives. Ah, beautiful. Not to be outdone by a woman, Trump said this in his Thursday press conference. Supposing we hit the body with a tremendous,

whether it's ultraviolet or just very powerful light, and I think you said that hasn't been checked but you're going to test it and then i said supposing you brought the light inside the body you can which you can do either through the skin or uh in some other way and i think you said you're going to test that too sounds interesting right and then i see the disinfectant where it knocks it out in a minute, one minute. And is there a way we can do something like that by injection inside or almost a cleaning? Because you see it gets on the lungs and it does a tremendous number of the lungs. So it'd be interesting to check that so that you're going to have to use medical doctors with. But it sounds it sounds interesting to me.

So we'll see. But the whole concept of the light, the way it kills it in one minute, that's pretty powerful. Now, I see a lot of you urging people not to drink bleach, okay? But it's worth some introspection. None of you cared about this issue or even talked about it until Donald Trump, the dreaded Donald Trump, brought it up, and then all of a sudden you hate the idea. Interesting. Interesting. Yeah, we were all the liberals were like, yeah, I enjoy some bleach from time to time. Why? Yeah, over at the Yale Club, we sometimes have bleach martinis all the time. But that's not for them. That's not for the rest of them. Yeah, I mean, it's for us when we

go to our cocktail receptions at the Planned Parenthood. That's when we have our bleach. That's right. When I'm going over to Rocket Ship Pizza or whatever to visit with the Illuminati. Right, right. Go down to the basement, of course, I'm going to have a little Formula 409 with my drink. Formula 409.

Yeah, that's great. I cut up Clorox wipes and use them like tabs, you know, like a microdose. Yeah, I think everyone has been thinking about the different ways you can inject, take, dose, sniff, eyedrop, bleach, and various Purells and other disinfectants for comedic effect. I think you hit it with that one. Cut up Clorox wipes and use them as tabs. That's the best one. That's the best one.

Thank you, John. It'll never be topped. Never be topped. This... So all of this came after Trump's previous amateur medical research began to fall apart when a panel of experts at the National Institutes of Health strongly advised against the use of hydroxychloroquine.

Studies have started to show that patients taking the drug actually may have a higher chance of dying. I, for one, John, can't believe that Rudy Giuliani, a man who always looks like he chose the wrong chalice in the grail chamber 10 seconds ago, gave bad medical advice. I want you to know something. When I knew that you were here, I knew that talking about somebody having just drank from the wrong cup. Wrong chalice. Right up your alley.

Chalice was what made the joke. Yes. Obviously. Chalice is amazing. What's happening to me? You know what I like? Your pronunciation of hydroxychloroquine. It's hard.

It is hard, and I appreciate that. I appreciate that. It took two tries. Hydroxychloroquine. Hydroxychloroquine. Well, it's hard. It's hard. It is hard. And I appreciate that. I appreciate that. It took two tries. Hydroxychloroquine. Hydroxychloroquine. I forced myself to learn how to pronounce it because I could not stand the fact that

Donald Trump could say that word effortlessly, it seemed. Whereas I was getting stuck on hydroxychloroquine. This is like when Ahmadinejad was a name we all had to know. Yeah. And people figured it out that you could say, I'm a dinner jacket to help you figure out Ahmadinejad, I'm a dinner jacket. That's how I retained it. I didn't get that memo on the Illuminati wire. Yeah.

We must have been out that day. Meanwhile, two new studies came out this week saying the number of people with coronavirus antibodies may be higher than we anticipated, with as many as 21% of New Yorkers potentially having already had the virus. Unfortunately, those numbers are expected to be lower in a few weeks after coronavirus published a too long medium post titled following Joan Didion to say that it was leaving New York for Los Angeles because the city was changing and no longer as inspiring as it was just a few short years ago. You had me at too long medium post. In a sense, that's redundant. Right. But I love adding too long to medium post.

That's a delight to me. Well done. Thank you. Mitch McConnell indicated on Thursday that he was worried about the national debt, and it was time to, quote, hit pause on coronavirus aid, despite the fact that the number of new unemployed Americans has ballooned to 26 million in just five weeks. This is all a bit of a game, because Trump wants to keep injecting money into the economy, and he said so explicitly, but the more Trump and McConnell need a deal, the more power Nancy

Pelosi and the House Democrats will have in the negotiations. You don't walk into a car dealership and say, no matter what happens, I'm buying a car. So that's less of a joke and more of an observation about the situation that we're in. Yeah. But that is what I would say walking into a car dealership. That's why I left, because you saw into my soul. I must buy a car today. Yeah. Everyone here, I don't even know why I walked into this room, but I know I'm walking out

with a car. Here's my social security number. Take whatever you need. I hope you give me a good deal, because I am definitely buying a car.'s here's my social security number take whatever you need i hope i hope you give me a good deal because i am definitely buying a car and i have done no research yeah and i want whatever kind of coating you can put on that car double it because i know you're going to talk me into it yeah i don't want to see yeah i want undercoat i want overcoat yeah all right code everything code everything code the steering wheel everything upsell me. Did you say spoiler?

I want it. And I know it's a Honda Odyssey. Get a spoiler on that thing. And finally, a clip of Senator Mark Warner made the rounds this week after he made a tuna melt by emptying a can of tuna onto two slices of white bread,

slathered it with mayonnaise, added two slices of cheese, and then placed this sandwich in the microwave for 30 seconds. Oh my God. Had you not seen this? I didn't know this news at all. No, I didn't.

And it's, I mean, it affects me personally because tuna melt is the perfect sandwich. It's I, how can, it shouldn't exist. It shouldn't be good. It's disgusting by its definition. And yet it is somehow alchemical more than the sum of its parts. If you make it correct. It makes no sense. It makes no sense. Is the joke coming now? I'm going to do a bunch of them so we can talk about it. This is going to be-

I was just going to ask, was there even a joke or were you just looking to make my heart stop? Well, when I saw your reaction and you looked a little bit like Jodie Foster when she believed that they should have sent a poet. You were just a kind of awe at what you were observing. I don't know. I decided to stop and talk about it, but I can do the jokes now. You ready for the jokes? No, I'm more ready than I've ever been. We're going to do a couple right in a row and you can decide which one you like best. All right. When the sandwich came out of the microwave, the tuna melt screamed, Jeffrey Epstein didn't kill himself. When it came out of the microwave, it screamed,

the Little Mermaid sends a terrible message to young girls. That's true. When it came out of the microwave, it screamed, watching 90s movies now, it's shocking how much the culture has changed. It was actually a long time ago.

And when it came out of the microwave, the tuna melt screamed, drink bleach. Yeah, I mean, here's what I'm going to say. We have choices A, B, C, D. A is the Epstein one, that one immediate laugh. I'm not even sure why that tuna sandwich said that, but I liked it. Well, I just think, I think the, yes, it's interesting.

It's this- It doesn't need to be explained. It's just a gut reaction that I have but you go ahead please i thought i would try here is my theory on why the tuna melt said now i'm into it initially i was like you don't need to explain it but now let's talk it through here's why i think the sandwich shouted that so this is an evil thing yeah this sandwich is coming out of the microwave is in some way evil it's pure satan in the microwave when you're melting the cheese on the mayonnaise, on the white bread in a way that shouldn't happen, taking this thing that can be made good by combining these

disparate and unconnected ingredients into sort of an amalgam, as you said. Right. But if you fail, you make something horrid. And this is something that has seen the face of evil. It knows evil. And so when it comes out, it has things to tell us about what it saw. That was my theory. Right. I love it. To me, it was just a non sequitur, but one that I loved a lot. Yeah. I mean, well, yes, that's fair. I mean, then I think then it kind of goes off the

rails because now it's just a sandwich with ideas. The thing about the Little Mermaid is true and something that needed to be said. Thank you, failed tuna melts, but not the greatest joke. The thing about the 90s being further away than you think, poignant for a man my age. More poignant than funny. It's actually something that I've jammed in here because it's been on my mind. Let's hear it. It's been funny.

It's actually something that I've jammed in here because it's been on my mind. Let's hear it. Because at night, Ronan and I have been watching series. And we try to watch very intensely when we're watching something that's good, right? Like when we're watching something that is truly excellent. No phones. Let's pay attention. Let's appreciate this. But there are times where I just want, because it's so stressful given the news and everything,

I'm just reading a lot of kind of bad news all day. Sometimes I just want to watch something dumb while playing a game on my phone. And so I've been going to the 90s movies well. And I've been watching the Pierce Brosnan James Bond movies. Oh, yeah. And I've been watching The Saint with Val Kilmer.

And... I don't think you can say I have been watching The Saint. No, because you could- Like, as though you're parceling out every, like, I can't watch more than 10 minutes a day. It's going to be over too soon. Well, it's more that you can't really watch more than 10 or 15 minutes of that movie without saying, I got to get out. This thing is bananas.

But in watching those movies, the gender politics of these films are so- Bonkers. Bonkers. And what's amazing about it too is that all these movies have this idea baked into them, but it's like, it's the 90s. History is over. Everything is fucking cool and chill. Men and women, we're good now.

We're done. We solved it. And then they are so misogynisticistic almost at every turn we're all wearing earth tones together what a time what a time what a time but i think what what i think is great about your observation is that it's not just we used to think differently back then but back then we used to think differently and we thought we had figured out everything. Yes. We truly thought there was the end of history. Yes. That we had solved it all and it was done.

We were going to use an Apple Newton to communicate with each other. Yes, that's right. Forever. That's right. That's right. We were taking our little stylus out to convert text into type ever so delicately. Right. It'll never get better than this.

Yeah. Can you believe it? We not only have the X-Files, we also have a Lance Henriksen spinoff, Millennium. How can it get better than this? How can it get better than this. Can you believe it? We not only have the X-Files, we also have a Lance Henriksen spinoff, Millennium. How can it get better than this? How can it get better than this? Did you hear Jay Leno's latest monologue about that slut? Things are perfect. Yeah. We finally fixed it. We finally fixed society. History has now come to an end. And it's worth thinking about now what we'll look back on as having been, even for those of us that consider ourselves progressive on the left, like what we were missing. Yes. I now understand blind spots a little bit better than I did before,

but I'm sure I've got a million of them. Well, John Hodgman. What? This was a genuine delight. Oh, thank you so much. This was so fun. John Hodgman, thank you so much. This was so great. Thank you so much, John. When we come back, we're going to talk to listeners about things that are bothering you while you're stuck at home. Hey, don't go anywhere. There's more of Love It or Leave It coming up. And we're back. Like all of our Back in the Closet episodes, this is an experiment, and we wanted to try something new. So as of this moment, this is like Planet Fitness before the plague, a judgment-free zone. I will call some listeners, and in under 30 seconds, they can tell me their

petty grievances, no matter how small. It doesn't matter how insignificant or stupid or selfish. We want to know what's upsetting you most, but not the most in this pandemic. This is your chance to vent in a segment Travis stole from a hip-hop radio station from Connecticut he heard in 2006 called Tell Him Why You're Mad. Let's hit the phone lines. Hi, is this Molly? Yes, hi. All right, well, you're on with John. It's happening. I'm saying the catchphrase. Oh my god. The fact that you're on is not a big enough anything to say that it's happening. It's more of my using the catchphrase. Molly, anything to say that it's happening. It's more of my using the catchphrase. Molly, here's the deal. This is a segment called Tell Him Why You're Mad. A perfect name.

In about 30 seconds, tell us what is bothering you. Okay. So we have been quarantined, my husband and I, for, God, what day, year is it? I don't even know. Let's say two months. Sure. My husband is actually a talent agent, so he shaves her work every day. He has decided to stop shaving. He has not been shaving for, let's say, six-ish weeks. The thing is, John, he looks great in a beard. He's got a good, full beard going on. It looks fantastic. Okay.

But I am not used to it. We have been together for seven years, and it is like kissing sandpaper. But I'm conflicted because he's really enjoying the beard. I am calling it his emotional support beard because he's kind of like left it up and plays around with it now when he's bored. Okay. The other side of this is that his sister, my sister-in-law, is a doctor and has told us, both of us, that it's a breeding ground for germs.

So I don't know what to do. So I think you were in a very morally defensible position until you started trying to claim that beards, which have been with us a very long time, are suddenly a health hazard. I'm not sure what you should do. It seems like something you guys should negotiate between yourselves. It sounds like you don't find it unattractive. You just don't like being up next to it, and I kind of understand that.

I'm going to tell you what's making me mad, Molly. Sure. Here's what's making me mad specifically, which is when people are out walking right now, there has been developed a kind of new evolving set of social norms, mores, manners around the kind of delicate, you keep the sidewalk, I'm going into the street because we're going to remain six feet apart. Sure, of course. My problem is there is a tiny subset of people who basically treat it like a game of chicken.

And they walk towards you. They don't say hello. They don't acknowledge you. And they basically dare you late in the game to start moving into the street. And look, I think it's a delicate dance who goes into the street and who stays on the sidewalk. But I think it's just incumbent upon everybody to just sort of say hello from afar, say hi, hi, make a kind of shrug, a kind of shrug that says, I know it's a kind of awkward thing, but you should go in the street this time because I've got a dog that's an asshole or

I'm going to go in the street because you seem nice. But it's all about that exchange of glances and the shared humanity that a tiny subset of people are not expressing. And that bothers me. Is that OK, Molly? I think that's OK. And that's valid. I totally noticed the difference of people who do and do not have dogs. You think that people who have the dogs need a little bit more space, but yet still here we are trying to walk around and not get tangled in a leash while also keeping the six feet. I totally get it. Thank you, Molly. Thank you for calling.

Thank you, John, so much. This was fantastic. We have been listening. We've been going for drives on Saturdays and listening to Love It or Leave It is our one thing of sanity in order to actually get out in the world. So thank you for being a part of that. All right. Bye, Molly.

Thanks. Bye, John. Thank you. Hi, is this Mallory? Yeah. Who is calling? Hi, this is John Lovett calling from Love It or Leave It. How's it going?

Good. Hold on. I have to tell my husband that you're calling. Okay. Okay. It's John Lov bit. Yeah. Cool. What's your husband's name? His name is Sam.

So it's Sam and Mallory. Yep. Mallory, what is on your mind? What is bothering you? My husband is very strict about our mail and our packages, and he requires everything to bake for three days. And he has a very intense system, so it means that I cannot get my stuff that I order. It's very petty. It's very shallow. But I really would like to get my sweatpants and face creams and my low-fodmap cookbooks.

But I am not allowed to touch things until they have officially baked for three days to protect them from coronavirus. They got to bake. Look, I understand where Sam is coming from. He wants things to bake. He wants it well done out there for three days. Now, have you discussed the possibility of opening the packages, then throwing away the outer part of the package, and then vigorously washing your hands? Is that unacceptable to Sam Fauci, your husband? Yes, it is absolutely unacceptable to him. He's very anal about this. I have told him this. He says, no, it's not worth it. And it makes me feel very shallow. And I recognize that I am. Yeah, no, it's tough. Hey, what else bothers you about your husband loving you so much he

wants to protect you? He's very strict about everything with coronavirus. He won't let me go anywhere. Now it sounds like you're a cult wife. But listen, every couple right now has an epidemiologist and a Trump protester. I am not a Trump protester. There's one part. No, I'm taking it too far i'm taking it too far but every couple has one person being like i just read the lancet here's where the disease is right now here's the latest on droplets and how far droplets go and then there's one person in the couple that's like fuck off i'm going to the beach i'm not going to go to the beach i have my backyard i'm not a trump supporter but but if you took it to that extreme, I'm on the further end of the wanted to leave my

house spectrum. Okay. So let me tell you, Mallory, what's bothering me because that's part of it. Now it's an exchange of ideas. So there's a website called Quibi. Now here's the deal with Quibi. All right. It's about quick bites. all right? And you download the app and you watch a two-minute movie about Rachel Brosnahan having her arm chopped off. That's a real movie on Quibi. It's three minutes long. Now, here's the thing. Not enough people know about Quibi because they put a lot of money. I want Quibi to succeed.

I'm here rooting for Quibi. And nobody knows what Quibi is. Mallory, do you know what Quibi is? I actually do. So you know what Quibi is. Does Sam Fauci know what it is? I don't know if he does, Sam. Do you know what Quibi is. Mallory, do you know what Quibi is? I actually do. So you know what Quibi is. Does Sam Fauci know what it is? I don't know if he does, Sam. Do you know what Quibi is?

Are you a sponsor of your own? You keep asking this question. They're not a, that's a great, why do I keep asking? They're not a sponsor, really. I don't think so. But so, so here's the thing. On Quibi, you're not allowed to take screenshots.

They turned off the screenshot feature so that if you try to take a screenshot of Quibi content, you can't share it. They also sent a cease and desist letter to a fan podcast where people just talked about Quibi shows to try to get other people to see Quibi shows because they weren't officially associated with Quibi. And my plea to the people at Quibi, all right, is let people take a screenshot and tweet out what they saw on Quibi and let people have a podcast about Quibi because otherwise nobody's going to know what Quibi is. That's all. That's all I had to say

about Quibi. I think you have a valid point. It's a bad social media. It's not using the value of user generated content. That's such a good point. Mm-hmm. Okay, and are you guys, are you both working from home? Yep, both working from home. Okay. Well, stay safe. I just opened the packages and then vigorously washed my hands, but I can't,

I'm not going to tell anybody how to live. You're right, you're right. But maybe I'll try that this weekend and see what my husband says. Maybe cut the baking time down by a day. That's all. He says that's fair. That seems fair.

Mallory, thank you so much. Thanks so much. Have a good one. Bye. Hi, is this Eric? Yeah, this is Eric. You're on with John. Welcome to Love It or Leave It. Thank you. It's great to be here. It's great to have you. So, this is

a segment where it's called Tell Them Why You're Mad. So tell him why you're mad. People eating on Zoom calls. I had a guy today eating soup, you know, like without muting his phone. And it was disgusting. And it made me very angry. But I was on video, so I could not show that. So that was my my gri grade. I think that's totally reasonable. I think that is totally reasonable. You can just mute yourself for the chewing sounds. Just keep the chewing sounds off the Zoom.

Yeah. It's not that hard. Or it was a 20-minute meeting. 20-minute meeting. He could have, you know, waited. He could have waited. Now, look, I don't know his life. I don't know his life.

I don't know your life. He might have back-to-back-to-back Zooms. What time was this meeting? It was noon his time. So it was lunchtime. But, but so here's my thing. I think that if somebody is eating a meal at a noon Zoom, that's unacceptable because that's an early lunch. You know, that's just like, look, we know, look, we're not in college anymore. If you're eating lunch before noon, there's something wrong with you. But if you're eating lunch at noon on the dot,

that's a convenience. That's a delight. So I think that if it's 1.30, 2 o'clock, and somebody's eating in a meeting, it may be a little bit performative, but they're saying I'm busy. At noon, I think if it was only 20 minutes, he should have waited. I agree. I agree. Yes, but they're saying I'm busy. At noon, I think it was only 20 minutes. He should have waited.

I agree. I agree. Yes, exactly. Thank you. I appreciate your support for my frustration. Eric, can I tell you every single thing I've eaten until this point today? And I just want everyone to know that it's 5.08 p.m. California time. Can I just, I'm going to walk you through what I ate.

You ready? Yeah, I'm ready. For breakfast. I'm going to walk you through what I ate. You ready? Yeah, I'm ready. For breakfast, I had shrimp fried rice. Okay. For lunch number one, I had a peanut butter sandwich with honey with a side of Cheetos. Exhilarating, yeah. For lunch number two, I had tortilla chips with melted cheddar cheese slices and white sauce from Halal Guys. And then I also ate the chocolate chip cookie I ordered to get rid of the delivery fee

from the order. Take you over the limit, yeah. Yeah, I get that. Do you think that I need help? What do you think I should do? All right, so my question is, I know you have Zoom meetings, as you guys have talked about. Did you do any of that during one of those?

No, all of that was eaten in privacy. That was all eaten alone. If it helps, the shrimp fried rice was eaten while standing in the kitchen. Oh, no, that's cool. That's how I eat most of my meals, I guess. I think you're all right. Okay, thanks, Eric. Are you working I eat most of my meals, I guess. I think you're all right. Okay. Thanks, Eric.

Are you working from home right now? Yeah, I am. What do you do? I'm a data analyst. So you can analyze data anywhere. Oh, yeah. Exactly. You know, and I was in the office before, but I think this silver lining of all these horrible sets are,

you know, maybe I'll get to work from home more. All right. Well, sort of a kind of a tough hit on your colleagues, but if you don't want to see them, I don't want to force you. Eric, thank you so much for calling in and talk to you later. Hey, thanks a lot, man. Bye. When we come back, an interview with Katie Porter. Don't go anywhere. This is Love It or Leave It, and there's more on the way. Porter. Don't go anywhere. This is Love It or Leave It, and there's more on the way. And we're back. She's a white knight for oversight and puts fright in the right when she takes up the fight. I did it. I practiced it and I did it. A professor, attorney, and

representative for California's 45th Congressional District, Congresswoman Katie Porter. Welcome to the show. Thank you for having me. You heard the rhyme at the top? Yes, I did. Okay, good. So first of all, you recently traveled to D.C. from California to vote on a $484 billion coronavirus package. I want to talk to you about the bill, but first, what is it like right now to travel and then participate in a vote in the House when most of the country is socially distancing?

Well, we in the House today tried to practice social distancing measures. So I wore a mask. My colleagues mostly wore masks. There were different voting procedures than typical. So rather than the sort of big scrum of people pressing up against each other on the House floor, we voted in small groups. And voting took a little bit longer, but we each went to the floor to try to maintain that distance. They turned the aisles instead of kind of pushing and shoving to get where you needed to be. It was sort of a one-way system, not unlike what people I think are used to in California in grocery stores, for example. But it's definitely an odd time to travel, and it was a time for me to reflect on how grateful I am for all of the essential workers

who are going out of their homes every day, putting their lives on the line to make it possible for us to get what we need in terms of goods and services. So I know you've talked about the importance of finding some kind of remote voting solution so that Congress can do its job and we're not just left with an unchecked president. But what are you thinking about right now in terms of oversight and holding hearings and making sure that that role of Congress is fulfilled as well? Yeah. So we need to think about how to do all the aspects of our job remotely. The voting, while very, very important, I think is not necessarily the thing we're having

the most challenges right now. I think the challenges is in showing the American people that we're hearing them, thing we're having the most challenges right now. I think the challenges is in showing the American people that we're hearing them, that we're engaged in conversations about how to address their concerns, that we are doing that oversight over the administration. And so I think we need to start having remote hearings by video, if possible, because I'll give you a perfect example that I think really illustrates the difference that it makes. There's been a flurry of letters. I cannot tell you, I spend an hour a day probably reading letters from colleagues that they want to send to different administration

officials or different CEOs. I sent a letter to the director of the CDC back in early March. And you know what he did when he got that letter? He blew me off. He didn't respond. We gave him a deadline, no response. Unbelievable. We gave him a deadline, no response. But when he came into that hearing room and was sworn in under oath and the cameras were turned on and I was pressing him and pressing him and pressing him, helping to expose why the only possible answer you could give to whether coronavirus testing ought to be free, regardless of insurance, is yes, we got that answer for the American people. And I think that kind of oversight, while preferable to do it in person, we don't get to have preferences right now. We have to do what's best for public health. And I do think that I could do this remotely and have that kind of oversight remotely.

And I think the other thing that we're missing right now is conversations with Republican colleagues. So I think there's a lot of concerns that Congress members aren't talking to each other. I get tons of texts and emails and caucus calls and things like that. But the first Republican member that I spoke to since March 17th were the three that were on my airplane from Charlotte to D.C. when I made my connection. So the kind of how do we make sure that we have that the rank and file members of Congress participating in the oversight is really, really, really important. So one thing we've been pushing for at Crooked is we've been having people call Congress

to make sure that there's the $2 billion, at least in funding for vote by mail, rules for every state so that everyone can vote safely in November, expanded early voting, all those important priorities. We've been pushing on that front. One of the challenges right now is we're not totally sure because some of the negotiations are necessarily behind closed doors. It's all happening relatively quickly given the scale of the emergency. Sometimes it's hard to know what somebody who just cares about making sure that the bill is as progressive as possible, does as much as possible, can make sure their voice

is heard, that their calls are doing the right thing. What would you encourage people listening out to call on Congress to do? Yeah, no, I mean, look, voting is incredibly important. And as a Californian, I've seen firsthand how well mail voting works. And it's really unfortunate that we have a president who is repeating untrue and inaccurate information, suggesting anything other than the truth, which is that fraud is not a problem with mail voting. Mail voting is extremely accurate. It's extremely friendly. It expands the opportunity to vote. And so I think it's important that Congress advocate for that. But this president is very, very

resistant to it. So I do think there's going to come a point, we've been in this position where the speaker has been negotiating with McConnell, the administration, and then we get told, like, here's the best we can get. And sometimes the best we can get leaves a lot to be desired. I think we are going to come to the point where we're going to have to say, this is what is needed, and really put it to McConnell and to the president that if they don't want to step up and do what's right for our democracy, that we are willing to do that. But you're always balancing that against the really painful and immediate need that you see in your community. And if there's a willingness

across the aisle to address that, that you want to get that done. Like, I'm sincerely like sort of asking, like how you find that line? Like, so, you. So today we had this vote, right? 355 voted yes, five voted no. One is AOC, a progressive champion. You are a progressive champion. You made a different, very difficult decision about what's best for your constituents right now. How do you draw that line when we need Democrats to have a united front to make sure we get the best bill possible, while at the same time, it is an emergency. There are, and there are legitimate good aspects of the bills that you're saying no to in the midst of the fight.

Yeah. So let me suggest that part of the solution here, I think, is to get some of the institutions of Congress working again. I think we're in danger of having a two-person House of Representatives and a two-person Senate of Representatives and a two-person Senate, right? Because we haven't adopted these remote voting processes. We're not having the normal bipartisan conversations. And so even if you think about something like a hearing where that alternates questioning, Democrat, Republican, Democrat, Republican, and every rank and file member gets their five minutes in the hearing, we've lost a lot of those institutions. And with it, I think we've lost the voice of the full range of the American people. And so I committed to advancing the party, not necessarily to trying to bridge the divide between the parties, right? And so I think this is where

I think remote voting will expand and remote hearings and opportunities for transparency to the American people, Republicans and Democrats, you know, not side by side or across the aisle anymore, but, you know, next to each other on Zoom. I think that is then able to make more clear to the American people where there is agreement and where there are fissures. And I think there's a public accountability to helping us bridge those gaps that we don't have when this is all being presented as here it is. It's wrapped and tied with a bow on it. This is the best thing we can come up with, take it or leave it. And I think we're losing some of that, the voice of all the American people without having remote processes. What is the challenge? What stops a committee chair

right now from saying, we're doing a hearing, we're going to do it remotely, we're starting tomorrow? What is the obstacle to that just happening organically? What is the obstacle to that just happening organically? Right now, the situation is that in order to have true hearings where witnesses were sworn in and it was an official congressional hearing, we would need to change the rules because the rules contain language about physically appearing before the committee. I came to D.C. anticipating that I would be voting to change those very rules. And yet we learned yesterday, oops, we're not going to do that. The Republicans object. But you wonder why we didn't start a bipartisan conversation about having remote processes six weeks ago. Because six weeks ago,

back on March 14th, when we passed the Families First Act in the middle of the night, weeks ago, back on March 14th, when we passed the Families First Act in the middle of the night, I delivered a bipartisan letter with 50 signatures to Speaker Pelosi and Minority Leader McCarthy. So there was momentum then, six weeks ago, bipartisan momentum toward remote processes. And I think we should have taken advantage of that momentum and that eagerness then to move forward on this. And so now I think we're in a situation where Democrats are saying we want it and Republicans don't, and Republicans are saying we have to get back to work, and Democrats are saying, well, of course we do. And so I want to say one positive thing. We are seeing some committee chairs move in the right direction. And a great example of

this is tomorrow, I am scheduled to have a remote telephonic hearing. It's really, it's not an official hearing. It's more of a meeting, a dialogue with the director of the census through the Committee on Oversight and Reform. So Chairwoman Maloney has made it clear that she expects him to get on the call. We actually had this call scheduled for earlier. We all dialed in. No director of the census, right? And so it's hard for me to imagine that somebody would not show up

and there would be an empty chair sitting there before the hearing room. And so I think the video aspect, the personal appearance aspect of this is really, really important. So I'm looking forward though tomorrow to having a dialogue hopefully with the census director. That's an example of how we're getting started toward this. But to be clear, we've lost six weeks. So just now we're hearing Democrats say, well, we should test technology. We should start training members. We should start practicing. We should start identifying security concerns. We had six weeks to do that. And we lost. We all collectively lost. The American people weeks to do that. And we lost, we all collectively lost, the American people collectively lost during that time. It's no laughing matter, but I am

definitely thinking about how challenging it would be to teach some of these septuagenarian members of Congress how to use Zoom. Oh, well, absolutely. But to be clear, it is very hard, I find, to be a younger person trying to adapt to all of the procedures preferred by septuagenarians or octogenarians. So it goes both ways, right? And look, one of the things we keep hearing is, well, members' comfort level with technology differs, right? Which I take it to mean some members don't know how to use these tools. But people can be taught. I was a professor. People can know how to use these tools. But people can be taught. I was a professor.

People can learn how to use technology. Someone's technological capacity is not a fixed thing. I understand that some members don't want to change. I understand that some members have flip phones. But we are asking school teachers and business owners and all of these other people to adapt. And yet we think the work we do is so, so special. Right. And so there's kind of a cultural exceptionalism about this that really bothers me. Yeah. I mean, my daughter is eight and she has had to learn how to zoom. At least, I mean, look, Mark Warner can microwave a tuna melt.

Oh my God. You know, that amount of mayonnaise was really a lot for me. He didn't even mix it up. I know. He didn't even mix it up. There's just been a lot of mayonnaise, too. I mean. You got to mix it in.

That's not a tuna salad. You got to mix it in. Yeah. No, I thought Kamala's video was really funny. Yeah, I think it was good. I think he needed the training. I guess I missed the why he was ever making a tuna melt on video. So here's my feeling.

All right. This is my conspiracy theory. All right. Which is, I think this was designed to go viral. I think that this was a hand-washing video designed to spread. And I think it works. I think they cracked the code. That's what I think.

Yeah. So I've now become quite adept at how to get the light for my videos and how to prop up my iPad on six books and using a paperweight so I can make sure that I'm not filming too high or filming too low. People can learn. What we shouldn't be doing is putting the public health of our communities at risk by traveling when there is a viable remote alternative. And I think that's something that's being lost. I mean, some of these people are saying, well, you know, members signed up for this, members should, you know, travel. I have no problem with taking on a certain amount of risk to do my job because I see every

day in talking to my community that there are truck drivers and there are warehouse workers and there are grocery store workers that are taking on risk. But if we had a way for them to do their job remotely with just a little bit of training, boy, I would want them to do that. And so for me, it's about the fact that when I got on that airplane yesterday, there were 75 other people on my first flight and the gate agents and the flight attendants and the pilots and all of those people are being put at risk. We also have a bunch of these members of Congress who are resistant to technology, in part because maybe they're a little bit older, are in a high-risk category.

And we've already seen a number of members be sidelined. We need the Congress to be functioning. If not a pandemic, this is a crisis that is coming. And I understand that there are legitimate good-faith concerns about opening up this box for the first time really in our history. There are legitimate concerns, but it does seem like they must be addressable, that there are ways to make sure it's only used in the most exigent of circumstances, right? Exactly. And one thing I often point out to people is just because we adopt a process for a remote

vote doesn't mean we have to use it for every single vote. So there may well be votes where it's really important for us all to come back here because we're going to have debate and we're going to have a procedural motion and we really need to be here in dialogue. But there are other bills that are just languishing that would pass with virtually everybody voting yes. Bills that we would normally pass on what we call suspension, we could be voting on those remotely now. And in fact, the odds are probably higher that some of my colleagues would read the bill if they got it in an email than they would if they were rushing around the Capitol all day with a bunch of crazy meetings. So we don't have to limit ourselves to only using this method,

but it's giving us another tool. And let's face it, this pandemic is unprecedented, but it's not the first or the only time that we have needed and wanted to vote quickly and had the challenges of physically assembling. We've had to confront those. I've only been in Congress 16 months, and I've already had to deal with this, with the shutdown, which is fly back. We're going to vote to open the government. We vote to open the government. The Senate or the president doesn't act. Fly home. Fly back. We're going to open the government, right? And so the second we got that agreement, I wanted to take that vote. But it's not possible to get everyone assembled from across

the country without 24 hours. Just the flight logistics of it just aren't possible. the country without 24 hours that just the flight logistics of it just aren't possible. Maybe one way to convince recalcitrant members of both parties is if they pass remote voting, they'll no longer have to be in the same room as often with Jim Jordan. You don't have to respond to that at all. No, no, but I will say this. Let me say this. I think really the important point for people to take away. And what I would say to every one of my colleagues is every single one of us has a duty to be in dialogue with the American people, with each

other, and to be doing oversight and doing good policymaking. And when we are required to come here and the public health guidelines make it hard for us to do that, we actually lose a lot of that power. And so my constituents, I may be and I am listening, calling my constituents, doing virtual meetings to hear about how PPE is being produced by 3D printers in my district, talking with labor leaders, talking with teachers, trying to understand what hospitals need. But then I don't have any way to take that information and get it into the lawmaking process. And so what does that mean? That means that we're really concentrating power in a handful of people, leadership, committee chairs, and the Reagan file members who represent the full diversity ideologically as well as geographically of both parties are not having an active voice. And I think that means that a lot of our constituents concerns are not being aired.

Well, Katie Porter, congresswoman, thank you so much for being here. Thanks for being in the fight and stay safe and stay healthy. Thanks for joining. Absolutely. Thanks for having me. When we come back, Akilah Hughes will quiz Ronan and I on what we've learned about each other during quarantine. And because Travis wrote the questions, it was a genuine disaster. Hey, don't go anywhere. There's more of Love It or Leave It coming up. And we're back. Joining us from us being together 24 hours a day he loves it he wants more he doesn't could just let me get through a sentence absolutely not i've let him get through many

sentences it's nothing but sentences between us he's a pulitzer prize winning journalist author the owner of the best damn animal crossing island on the planet. Please welcome back to the show, the Grim Reaper for Hansy Creepers. Is that a new one? Ronan Farrow. Welcome, Ronan. Hey, guys. Remember when you posted a paparazzi photo of us where it looked like you were an abandoned I was your lawyer?

We both looked equally schlubby in that photo. Right now, when it comes to spending time as a couple, it's all about quantity, not quality. We cook together, clean together, complain about cooking and cleaning together. The point is... I do a little more cleaning. We are learning... Absolutely not. Absolutely. Absolute.

Lunacy. You sound like Trump. We're learning a lot about each other. And we wanted to see just how much we are learning in a segment we call the Achuli Spread Game. And as Kumail pointed out last time we played, sneezing is not a symptom of COVID-19. I was not briefed on this.

I do not know what's happening. No, I haven't read the questions either. You and I both don't know the questions. Okay, great. See where it says in the cards here, love it, stop reading until the next yellow. Okay. I honored that.

So I don't know what's about to happen. Since Ronan and I will be playing this game, we wanted to make sure I was impartial. So we brought in a ringer as the host of this game. She's the incredibly funny host of Crooked Media's What A Day podcast. My friend, your friend, love it or leave it returning champion, Akil Hughes. Hi, thank you guys so much for having me back in wonderful circumstances. We're all very comfortable and nothing at all about this is unnatural. You ready for some couple counseling? I am so excited.

That's what I came for. It's going to be wonderful. Also, invite me to your fucking island, okay? Oh, hell yeah. Yeah, invite Akilah to your own cozy island. Bells for all. I got some bell trees that are popping. Yeah, please drop me some stuff

because my island is the ghetto. I got every fruit but cherries. If anyone has cherries, please write in. Send me some cherries. Oh, please drop me some stuff because my island is the ghetto. I got every fruit but cherries. It does not look good. If anyone has cherries, please write in, send me some cherries. Oh, I have cherries. We have a trade.

This is enough incentive for me. I'm bored, bored, bored, boring. All right, fine. Here we go. Akilah, over to you. All right, here we go. Here's how it works, guys. All right, I'm going to ask

one of you a question about the other. Then that person is going to have to write down their answer and you have to guess one of you a question about the other. Then that person is going to have to write down their answer and you have to guess what they wrote down. Okay, great. Simple. Newlywed game, but for a new generation. Wonderful. All right. You guys ready? Here we go. This question's for Ronan. What meal has John made during quarantine that he was most proud of? I know the answer to this. Not that was the most delicious, but the one that he was most proud of? I know the answer to this.

Not that was the most delicious, but the one that he was most proud of. So I think the meal that I was proudest of was salmon and a homemade Caesar salad. I think that is the dish I was proudest of. What did you write? Okay. So this requires a little explanation. Oh, no. There was a night when Jonathan over here had a couple of pot gummies.

This is not fair. It seems like everything was laid out completely fairly, and you clearly got it wrong. We had not really gotten the necessary groceries to make queso fundito, but that is what Jonathan set out to make. I tried to make a cheese dip, but all I had was cream cheese, ricotta, some leftover. He made a bowl of warm milk with ricotta cheese floating in it.

It was good. It was good. You know what? And I'll tell you, he was very proud, even though that pride was under the influence. It was very salty. It was very salty. It was very salty. Just a bowl of hot, salty milk.

It was cheesy. Stop it. You're making it sound worse than it was, and it didn't need work to sound worse than it was. I was proud of you. Oh, you know, it's time to come back. Here we go. John, this question's for you.

What chore does Ronan go out of his way to avoid doing? I am eager to find out. I feel like it'd be easier if it was what chore he doesn't go out of his way to avoid doing. So there's one that's been of particular discussion.

In my house, we have like a setup, but I think that neither of us are great at our chosen chore. So I'm excited to hear what you all have been going through. Ronan, what do you got? We have a weekly conversation about when we're going to do a thorough cleaning, reorganization of things. And I think we both go out of our way to avoid that. That is the looming one. Yeah, but I don't consider that a chore you both go out of our way to avoid that. That is the looming one. Yeah, but I don't consider that a chore you're going out of your way. I want to be clear. We're living like hoarders right now.

Hey, don't let people in. All right? We're telling a story about ourselves. He's still in denial. But we have a problem. Think of a chore that's more daily. A daily chore. There's handsome stuff.

Well, the reason we live like hoarders is neither of us does any daily chores. No, no, no. There's a specific chore. We need to vacuum. That's one we've both been avoiding. Ronan, I have a certain image. Okay, okay. The laundry?

No. The laundry. I do the laundry, but not frequently enough. No, it's a... Okay. Help me. There's a chore. I'm going to help.

There's a chore that actually has sort of made you feel bad when you go to do this chore, the participant isn't interested. Oh, yeah. All right. So Pundit loves me, like will come and snuggle up against me and loves to play with me. Pundit hates to be walked by me. But Pundit just doesn't have that relationship with me. It's not the vibe. My theory of the case is Pundit hates to be walked by me. Pundit just doesn't have that relationship with me.

It's not the vibe. My theory of the case is Pundit is embarrassed. It was walking Pundit. To poop in front of me because Pundit has so much respect for me. I'm going to allow it, but walking Pundit is absolutely not a chore. Well, you know what? How dare you? It's a joy.

It's a gift. Listen, it's not a chore. It's a gift. Listen, it's not a chore. It's a chore I love, and here she is. But do you see how she's trying to get to me? She loves me, but she doesn't. It's like any trusted colleague of yours. You don't want to poop in front of them. So, you know, we respect her choice,

and I do less walking with pundits. So, anyway, this is going terribly here. I love it. All right, next question. I hope the next question is about divorce. Go on. Oh, it. All right. Next question. I hope the next question is about divorce. Go on. Oh, my goodness. Dark.

So quick to the end. We're enjoying it. What a quitter. This is why he also gives up on cleaning. It's the same. All right. This question is going to be for Ronan. All right.

So what is something that annoys you about being quarantined with John that you are just, you know, resigned to living with now? I love this. I honestly feel like I'm getting, you know, just a little bird's eye view of what goes on in the Pharaoh Lovett household. I tend not to be interested in co-op video games. So you think that like he wants to play a game with you and you're like I'm good. He likes co-op video games and I don't

really like them as much. Can the people rise up and demand like in Gladiator or something that Jonathan play video games with me? You know what? We've given these people enough calls to action. What is on your piece of paper? On my piece of paper is AirPods in slash constant never-ending work call.

Oh, that's very, that's, so I'm on the phone a lot and it is a revolving set. That is true. So I have a bunch of, you know, I'll talk to people during the day on the phone and then that does go right into when I walk Pundit,

I'll call Spencer. We both do work calls, but Jonathan doesn't draw a distinction between when he's on a work call and not. So he'll just be like in the kitchen talking to me. And then he'll say like, stop, Sarah's answering, referring to his colleague. Like there, there are other people in our house and our relationship. What's the next question, you think? Do you think there's some more questions? Yeah, there's a few more. What's the last thing John made you watch that you really didn't want to watch, but you watched it anyway? Oh, well, we both know the answer to this. This is easy. Because this conversation was ongoing today and yesterday.

This is very easy. Well, this is right. Yes, this is very simple. Look at me writing down the answer in a small font. Well, oh my goodness. The answer is 2012, a film starring John Cusack. No, the answer is obviously The Saint, a film starring Val Kilmer.

No, no, no. Excuse me. Excuse me. I tried to make you watch. But do you see the caliber of movie? Okay, I just want to be clear. I refuse. Jonathan Lovett has demanded that I watch The Saint and 2012.

I have demanded that he watch Spirited Away and at least one Ingmar Bergman movie, and he won't do either. It's our house over here. It's AFI's Top 100 over here. But I want to watch Dumb Things. Spirited Away is fun. It is a kids movie. You have not let me show you the film, the 1990s quintessential film The Saint, 1990s quintessential film The Saint, a movie about a

genuine creep played by Val Kilmer who tricks Elizabeth Shue into falling in love and is treated like a hero. It is the perfect 90s movie. I watched 20 minutes of him doing accent work. He pulls out money from his crotch and this is so

sexually alluring to Elizabeth Shue. She chases him out of the restaurant. The answer was 2012. I lived through 20 minutes of Val Kilmer's Weeks in Accent work. We love Val Kilmer. You were both so certain you would get it, and then...

We didn't watch it. You watched 2012. Unbelievable. Well, 2012 in The Saint. It was in the ballpark. Anyway, I knew... I should have said The Saint, because I knew he was going to get it wrong.

What's the next question? All right, John. If you could change one thing about Ronan during quarantine. What are you trying to do? Why are you tearing us apart? I didn't write these questions. We are going to turn on Akilah. Hey, Travis, you can go fuck yourself. There you go. Not much of a, you know what? Not much of a comedy show to write. You want to be stuck with him forever? If this falls apart. Do you understand how much depends on this working out? All right?

This is a delicate lattice work of... More delicate now than 20 minutes ago. I meant my... Okay, I know what it's going to be. Say something sweet and then it'll make everything better. Even if it's wrong wrong just say the nice thing

i wish you were so good at this akilah i date you for those listening at home we are fine fine we're fine very fine we're fine yeah honestly they're just like this is how they cut up they're like the cutest little babies you're in the neighborhood too i wish i could wave i know all right i know um um i'm supposed to guess you supposed to guess. You have to guess. What is the one thing he would change? Something that we've had a couple conversations about where you and I have a kind of natural difference.

He would like me to surrender all cooking aspirations and just clean for him. That's fucked up. It was early bedtime. Jesus Christ. Do you even know me? Why did you go to something so hostile? This is so clearly the right answer. That's true, but that's hostile too. We fight a lot about bedtime.

So wait, who likes the early bedtime? He likes the... I go to bed... Here's the problem. He wants to... The root cause of the arguments is that Jonathan wants to get up early which is very fair

I wake up every day or so early but what Jonathan will not acknowledge here or in any other conversations is that he actually also doesn't want

to go to bed early I don't want to go to bed it's fun to go what he wants to do is go through the exercise of shutting everything down and getting into bed for an unwinding period

and then to stay awake for a very long time and sort of badger me a lot while I'm trying to sleep. I have questions about the news. He has questions about the news. You try to be filled in.

He wants some hot scoops. Like I saw Mark, you know, you see Mark Warner making a tuna melt in the microwave. You want to tell somebody. Yeah, you want to talk about what that house must smell like. It's fair. I'm here for that. It's fine. We're fine.

Well, it has been a delight. Hey, Travis, turn on your fucking, turn on your microphone. You coward. And turn on your video. Get in here. Look us in the eyes. Look us in the eyes. What, like, what are you, what is this?

Is this a game where you try to see if our relationship is strong enough to survive your fucking negativity? Yeah, I mean, what's the one thing you would change? It's pretty brutal. Let's see how tough you are. Let's see how tough you are without your Google Doc, you son of a bitch. Look at this. This is stronger than ever.

This is what you're going to pick a fight with? Well, this has been great. Look, America loves you, and you know what America would love more? You falling apart. That's true. That's true. That's true. They like to build things up and tear it down.

People love a comeback story. Akilah, thank you so much. So do you take insurance? I don't know how. Some therapists take it, some don't. I don't. My premiums are through the roof. I don't even know if you like to afford it.

Sometimes you'll take the, like, you know, there's the minimum through insurance, then there's, like, sort of you pay above that. I don't know how you work. Yeah. Yeah, it's definitely way above insurance. You're worth every dime, Akilah. Thank you so much. We're stronger than ever. I just want to say congrats to Akilah Hughes.

You won the game. Thank you to Travis Helwig, who has lost the game. And our respect. Our respect. Thank you to Ronan Farrow for everything. That was a very hard booking. Thank you. Yeahan Farrow for everything. That was a very hard booking, you guys. Thank you.

Yeah. How did he find me? He was so unavailable. When we come back, whatever is supposed to happen next in the show, I'm done. Bye, everyone.

Bye. When we come back, we'll hear your high notes. Don't go anywhere. This is Love It or Leave It and there's more on the way. And we're back. So we know that this is a hard time, and so we wanted to once again share some of the high notes that listeners have been sharing with us. So here it is, this week's high note.

Hi, John. My name is Jennifer, and I live in Berkeley, California. I went into the hospital for a double mastectomy, and about two weeks later, we started sheltering in place here in California. My daughter's school closed, and my elderly Jewish parents who had come here to help me got stuck here. But on the bright side, cancer-free. What gives me hope is that I live across from a big park, and there is a man in the neighborhood who walks dogs free for people who are sick or frail and would have to give up their

dogs otherwise. He not only walks them, but he walks them. Thank you. Bye-bye. Hey, love it. My name is Erin and I'm a librarian in Fredericksburg, Virginia, and my high note of the week was we were able to still hold a Red Cross blood drive at our library, despite the library being closed. And they had over 52 donations of blood that day, and every appointment was booked. Thanks. Hi, this is Sam from Los Angeles, and my high note is my dog. I decided to foster him recently because shelters were shutting down and they needed emergency fosters. And I thought, you know what? Sure.

But as someone who struggled with depression and loneliness, having a dog during the quarantine and all the isolation has been amazing. And I've decided to adopt him. So he has a new home with me. And that's the high note. I love it. My name is Megan. I'm from Maine. He has a new home with me, and that's behind him. I love it. My name is Megan. I'm from Maine.

And my high note for this quarantine time has been the weird variety of dreams that I've had. I work in a retail store, and I had a dream one night that we were back in the store and that Nancy Pelosi was coming to visit. And we were trying to prepare our store to look perfect for her. And my favorite is when I had a dream about going to an awards show with the cast of Schitt's Creek as Dan Levy's date. So quite a variety going on in my life, but at least it's something to wake up and laugh a little bit about every day. Hey, Love It.

My name's Rachel. I'm calling from Phoenix, Arizona. My high note of the week is that every day I take a walk around my neighborhood, and I always see a father and his young daughter. He's teaching her how to ride her bike. So the past few weeks, she's always had training wheels. And when I walked by this past weekend, I saw that her training wheels are off, and she has successfully learned how to ride a bike during quarantine.

So it gave me a lot of hope that although it feels like time is standing still, good things are still happening. Thank you. Thanks, everybody who submitted those high notes. If you want to leave us a message about something that gave you hope this week, you can call us at 424-341-4193. It is 192 days until the election. You can sign up for Vote Save America right now to defeat Donald Trump, keep the House, and win back the Senate.

A special thank you this week to our friends at the Cash App who joined with Crooked in helping us to support our friends who work at the Improv, our home when we can do the live show. And we're excited and very hopeful about getting back to doing the live show at some point soon. Thank you to Congresswoman Katie Porter, to John Hodgman, to Ronan Farrow, to Akilah Hughes, and everyone who called in. Thank you to our grocery workers, truck drivers, and delivery people. Thank you to our doctors and

our nurses. And thank you to our whole staff working to keep this show going out every week and everybody at Crooked who's keeping our company going strong. And a special shout out to Elisa, Sydney, and Sarah, who worked really hard to make sure that we could work with our friends at the Cash App to help our friends at the improv. So thank you for doing that. Thanks, everybody, for listening. Have a great weekend. Love It or Leave It is a product of Crooked Media. It is written and produced by me, John Lovett, Elisa Gutierrez, Lee Eisenberg, and our head writer, former Mike Bloomberg speechwriter, Travis Helwig. Jocelyn Kaufman, Alicia Carroll, and Peter Miller are the writers. Bill Lance is our audio editor, and Stephen Colon is our sound engineer. Sydney Rapp is our assistant producer,

and August Dichter is our intern. Our theme song is written and performed by Sure Sure. Thanks to our designers, Jesse McLean and Jamie Skeel, for creating and running all of our visuals, which you can't see because this is a podcast, and to our digital producers, Norm Melkonian and Yale Freed, for filming and editing video each week so you can.