Lovett or Leave It - The Rural Jurors

Episode Date: January 25, 2020

The impeachment trial begins: Adam Schiff and the House managers make their case and Republican Senators both demand and refuse to allow new evidence. Florida's Republicans are undermining Amendment 4 which restores the vote to those convicted of felonies. Plus C-Span's production values are just OK and it's time we have an honest conversation about organic peanut butter. Aida Osman and Sam Pancake join to help break down the week's news and just sit around sharing memories of Mr. Peanut and really focus on making this a celebration of his life.

Good evening, Los Angeles. You may notice in the sound of my voice, I'm a little bit like Tom Hanks at the Golden Globes. Twice as sick, half as charming. What are you getting? What kind of footage are you getting right now? Getting some good stuff? No, it's okay. I'm not trying to just... No, it's good. It's good.

I came all the way from London. You came all the way from London? Wow! You came all the way from London? Wow. Thanks for coming. Seems as though we're heading towards monarchy right as you're heading away from it. Sort of interesting. Your ancient dictatorial traditions are coming to an end

just as we as a nation are rediscovering some of its virtues. Pod Save America and Love It or Leave It are going on tour. We are going everywhere, including Iowa City in one week. Go to crooked.com slash events and watch my Twitter feed. We're going to be announcing those Iowa guests. All right, let's get into it. What a week. We're going to talk about the news on everyone's mind.

Mr. Peanut has died at the age of 104. Finally some good news. But don't worry, the lawsuit against his estate will continue. His victims could still see restitution, thanks to more incredible reporting by Ronan Farrow. Stop it. He'll never hear this. Police do not have a suspect in the death of Mr. Peanut, but they should be able to match the DNA to the semen collected at the crime scene. I'm not stopping. I don't know what you think's on this card, but it's not not more jokes about Mr. Peanut. Not to be outdone,

Progressive announced that live during halftime at the Super Bowl, they will be murdering the actress who plays Flo. All right, I'm done. Hillary killed Mr. Peanut. I'm done. Breaking news. Hillary Clinton,. Peanut. I'm done. Breaking news. Hillary Clinton, not a fan of Bernie Sanders.

But she will support the nominee. Will she like it if Bernie is the nominee? I do not think so. She'll scream so loud in Chappaqua, they'll hear her on Wall Street. Which is fine, because then she can collect her usual fee. Anyway, this is the last few days before voting, which is crazy, but it's true.

So this is the last chance we have to talk before the votes are cast. And so it's the last chance we can all say in good faith that we're going to do everything we can for the nominee, no matter who that person is, before people start saying, oh, you're only saying that because your person won. Yang.

Don't laugh. A lot of the leading candidates are in D.C. sitting in silence. Not Yang. All coming up Yang. So most of us will vote for someone who is not the nominee. We are part of one big, diverse movement

from the shores of Chapo Trap House to the purple mountains that Tom Steyer had built behind his house. So we all have to remember, we all have to do our part, even if we're angry that our person didn't win, even if we find some of the supporters of the candidates, we don't like to be annoying online. And I say that as someone who has at various times spent time in the barrel, pissing off various factions of various candidates. And I'll tell you something, and I just want to be

clear. I'm not going to say who it is in the spirit of unity, but I will say that in all my time of picking fights with various Democratic candidates, sometimes in ways I regret, sometimes in ways I don't, the birdie bros have nothing on another candidate's people. And I'm not even going to tell you who it is because of unity. Anyway, the point I was making is uniting with people you like is easy. When Trump was elected, there were two big things on my mind. And I'm telling you this because it's true, not because I'm drawing a comparison. I did genuinely happen to be reading a lot about Weimar Germany at the time. And I'm just telling you that that's something that happened. It was somewhat of a coincidence.

I started reading about Weimar Germany before Trump was even announcing, before he came down the escalator. I was just fascinated by the period, what happened. Anyway, one of the lessons that I drew was that there are these two great challenges that confront people when they're facing attacks on institutions from the right. And one is, how do you fight to preserve institutions when you're fighting against those that don't believe in the rules? If you're trying to show a bunch of people that basketball is a really cool, fun sport where the rules make sense, and the other side is just traveling the whole time, you have an urge to travel, but you're trying to say that traveling makes the game worse,

so you're stuck, you know? Damned if you travel and damned if you don't. Which is not dribbling enough. So that was the one thing. It's a vice grip between trying to preserve institutions while trying to save them against those who don't play by their rules. And the other is that

it is very hard in an anxious time in which you feel like you're losing when lots of people feel disenfranchised, joining many who have felt disenfranchised for a long time, to keep a big, fractious, diverse, liberal coalition, progressive coalition together. Keeping a coalition together is not a question when everybody sees each other as being on the same side. But I see it all the time. You know, I said in passing on Twitter, which is the only way you can say anything on Twitter. It's a whole medium about saying things in passing

than preserved for all time. Oops. But that we should all take a pledge now before the voting starts to support whoever the nominee may be. And I received a lot of people saying, then you better get behind Bernie because otherwise we won't support anybody else. And by the way, I got plenty of people saying, if Bernie's the nominee, I'm sorry. I may vote for that person, but I'm not going to knock on doors because of all the things their supporters say online.

And that's a trap. Even if there are people on the side you don't support saying that they won't support you, your ability to see someone as being on your team is not predicated on their agreement. That's all. I cannot believe what I'm going to next. Philadelphia Flyers mascot and socialist icon Gritty is under investigation after allegations he punched a 13 year old boy in November during a photo shoot

feds targeting another leftist it's Martin Luther King all over again and finally big news of the week on Tuesday the impeachment trial of Donald Trump began in the United States Senate. This trial, this trial has everything.

Mitch McConnell scolding Democrats about fairness. John Roberts yelling about civility. And of course, Ted Cruz drinking milk on the Senate floor. Ted Cruz is an all-American man who likes a tall glass of milk, a dumb president who's above the law on a warm laptop filled with incest pornography. It is a near statistical certainty

that many of you who just laughed are laughing the knowing laugh of a person who has watched incest pornography. Now the laugh's changing. But why? As the trial was starting, a new Pew poll, pew pew, pew pew,

found that 51% of Americans think that the Senate trial should result in the removal of the president from office. think that the Senate trial should result in the removal of the president from office. Now let's go to a clip of the Senate bowing to the will of the people. No, I'm not saying that's okay. I'm not saying it's appropriate. I'm saying that it didn't happen. Terrific. Terrific. That was Senator Mike Braun. Let's go to Senator Barrasso. SEN. MIKE BRAUN, Well, we sat through another day. Seems like Groundhog Day in the Senate. And what we heard from the managers yesterday, the day before, it is the same thing day after day after day.

It does seem that after about an hour and a half, they start repeating themselves as if you could impeach by just kind of repeating the same thing by repetition. Let's just get this straight. On Tuesday, 53 Republicans in the Senate voted against amendments that would have allowed new evidence into the trial. Twelve hours later, those same Republicans went on Fox to complain that no new evidence was introduced in the trial. It is a little bit like they looked a waiter in the eye and said, I want that toast

black. And then five minutes later, some toast came out, and they said, how could you bring me this toast? This toast is burnt. And then one of them was like, I smell burnt toast. But that's just one of them having a stroke. Because they're old.

Over the course of the last few days, Adam Schiff has done an extraordinary job building the narrative around the president's misconduct. He spent much of his time speaking to the Senate's sense of patriotism and duty. To which Merrick Garland, who was driving 150 miles an hour at night with the lights off just to feel something said

oh good luck with that sweetie I'm just hoping that the love it or leave it listeners who stick with the show week after week are enjoying the version of Merrick Garland I paint because it's a man with nothing to lose. The second article of impeachment alleges that Donald Trump obstructed the impeachment inquiry and is holding onto material without sharing it with

Democrats. How did Donald Trump respond to this allegation? Let's roll the clip. But honestly, we have all the material. They don't have the material. I feel like we're all like Sherlock Holmes, putting the clues together. And every few minutes, Moriarty comes in and is like, I did it. And then we have to ignore it because when he confesses on camera, it somehow doesn't count. And nobody told us. He's the guy that fucking... We're all so smart.

He's so stupid. And none of us knew that if the president just confesses to the crimes on camera, it doesn't count. In fact, it makes us not care as much. What? What?

It's horseshit. He keeps doing it. No. It must be buried in a secret server. It must be evidence. Pizza parlor basements. No. That's where the true facts are. You gotta go deep inside a whistleblower's mind. Dossiers. Russian hotel rooms. He's been making the pee tape on cable news for three and a half years. It's also been reported that several Senate Democrats have been considering a trade. If Republicans let John Bolton testify, Democrats would let Joe Biden testify.

Gonna go on a limb here, but I'm pretty sure the several Senate Democrats are named Amy, Bernie, and Liz. There's also, there's no senator named Pete, but some guy named Pete signed that one too. I think it's a good trait in me too, pal. Wow. I do want to share with you a beautiful moment from Adam Schiff's closing argument on Wednesday. Let's roll the clip. What brought us here is that some courageous people came forward, courageous people that risked their entire careers. But people senior to them who have every advantage, who sit in positions of power, lack that same basic commitment,

lack that same basic willingness to put their country first and expose wrongdoing. They risk everything, their careers. And yes, I know what you're asked to decide may risk yours too. But if they could show the courage, so can we. Of course, the Trump lawyers did respond with this. Clearly his taste in women is the same as his taste in lawyers, only the very best with just the right amount of dirty. That's a joke. All right, here's a real clip.

President Trump is a man of his word. Who's that for? I do want to say, you know, we are in Adam Schiff's district right now. I think we spend a lot of time dealing with the fact that we keep waiting for the right person to be in the right place at the right time,

and we've often ended up with the worst person, the worst moment, and the worst time. But every once in a while, there's somebody that you don't dislike in any way. You may even respect and admire as a congressperson, but you don't realize that they're going to step up and perform the most extraordinary of services and be the right person for the job in the right moment to represent an incredibly important fight where the stakes are total and meet the moment and it's so amazing i feel so fortunate that i'm represented by adam schiff and i feel incredible amount of gratitude that we have this person who's able to stand up there and even in this cynical moment and even when there are so many republicans who refuse to

listen refuse to see the truth because it is so much easier to pretend that their own interests are the country's interests that he can hold their attention and say something powerful enough to get fucking lindsey graham to tell him after that he did a good job every once in a while you say wow there's a person who worked their whole lives to be in the right place at the right time, to have the skill and expertise and integrity and intelligence to carry themselves like this when the glare and the spotlight couldn't be greater. And I just think that's an

inspiring thing to keep in mind. All right, when we come back, we're going to play a game about what's happening in Florida and Amendment 4. Hey, don't go anywhere. There's more of Love It or Leave It coming up. And we're back.

Back in 2018, Florida voters overwhelmingly passed Amendment 4 to restore voting rights for 1.4 million formerly incarcerated people after they completed their sentences. It was a victory of democracy and organization and compassion and community over fear and systemic racism. But even as they were voting for Amendment 4, Florida also elected Ron DeSantis as governor, and ever since, he has done everything in his power to subvert the will of the voters. Florida changed the definition of completing your sentence to include paying all fines,

fees and restitution associated with that sentence, including court fees and administrative fees, essentially a poll tax. That means poor people who have done their time, including parole, are now being denied the vote in 2020, despite their fellow Floridians going to the polls to demand otherwise. And it could cut the number of people who otherwise would be eligible, newly eligible, because of this amendment in half. This is a tradition in a long history of politicians looking to disenfranchise citizens, especially black people, by redefining what it means to commit a felony and what it means to

pay your debt to society. In fact, we wanted to highlight just how easy it is to become a felon in this country in a game we're calling Felon Collie and the Infinite Sadness, which Travis tells me is a joke about a Smashing Pumpkins album, a reference older than most crooked interns. Would anyone out there like to play the game?

Hi, what's your name? Ian. Ian? Yes. Where are you from, Ian? Thousand Oaks. Wow. Yep. She came from London. You know, we do what we can. How's life in T.O.? It's terrible. Okay. Here's how it works. I will read out loud a crime, and if it's considered

a felony, Ian, you say true. If it's not, say false. Alright. You ready? Yep. It's a federal felony to grow or sell any amount of weed. False. No, that's true. In 2013, a man in Florida released a bunch of heart-shaped balloons as a romantic gesture for his girlfriend

and then he was charged with a felony. True. Correct. In Alabama, it's a felony to purchase, possess, or train a bear for the purposes of bear wrestling. True. True. In New York, it's a felony to stop walking in the middle of a busy sidewalk so you can dig through your stupid tote. False.

False, and it should be true. In Michigan, it's a felony to commit adultery. True. And yet Trump still went there more than Hillary. In Georgia, it's a felony to be sarcastic or condescending to a judge. True. Nope, that's false. It's from my cousin Vinny.

In Tennessee, it's a felony to share your Netflix password. False. It is false, but it is illegal in Tennessee, apparently, according to this card. In 2001, four people were convicted of a felony and sentenced to prison for importing lobster tails that were the wrong size and packaged in clear plastic bags rather than cardboard. True. True. In Indiana, stealing a hot dog is a felony. That seems true.

Yes. Someone was charged with it in 2014 because the law says that any theft is a felony if the thing you stole is no longer usable. And guess what? He ate that fucking hot dog. In Nevada, is it a felony to expose your penis to a penis doctor if you don't have health insurance? Yes? No.

In Maryland, it's a felony to day drink dark liquor, such as scotch or whiskey. False. False. In Skamania County, Washington, it's a felony to kill Bigfoot. I hope that's false. No, it's true. But let's still do it and be legends.

Alright. In California, it's illegal to lie about your height and weight on your driver's license. True. I don't know. I hope not. It's a felony to intentionally hide someone's mail. True. In New York, it's a felony to grab hide someone's mail. True. In New York, it's a felony to grab a cop's gun if you don't say yoink.

I think it's true in all cases. I don't know. It says falsier, but I'm not sure. I mean, obviously, the yoink is false. Honestly, don't do it either way, and we'll just have to update that with the facts. In California, it's a felony to be both younger and more successful than me. False.

That's sadly true. You won the game, Ian. All right. Thanks for playing. You get a gift card. And, you know, Desmond Meade was on today's Ponce of America. He's the executive director of the Florida Rights Restoration Coalition. Meade was on today's Ponce of America. He's the executive director of the Florida Rights Restoration Coalition. If you text FEES, F-E-E-S, to 82623, or if you go to floridarrc.com,

you can help pay the fines and fees of people who have been disenfranchised in Florida. They've already helped a lot of people. They're doing it a number of ways. They're going before judges and getting the judges to give people back their right to vote. They're paying these fees. And also, if you're listening to this and your name rhymes with Baumsteyer or Mike Schroomberg, and you want to really help Democrats win in November, there are hundreds of thousands of people in Florida who are on the cusp of having their right to vote back, and we can all help.

We come back. Our panel. Don't go anywhere. This is Love It or Leave It and there's more on the way. And we're back. She's a writer and comedian, the co-host of Crooked Media's own Keep It. Please welcome back Aida Osman.

Don't touch me, John. Not while you're sick, don't touch me. I won't. Why am I sitting so close? This should be like an episode of a movie, what's it called, Contagion? I'm going to sit like this the whole podcast. I watch Contagion on a plane. Yeah, it's a plane movie for sure.

Oh my goodness. Every fucking cough. Thanks for having me. He's an actor, comedian, and the host of the podcast Sam Pancake Presents, the Monday afternoon movie. Please welcome Sam Pancake. Hi, Sam. I brought an empty bottle.

I don't know why. Here's a souvenir. Enjoy it. You're welcome. Thanks for being here. Thanks for having me. I'm a nightmare. We're already having

so much fun. Now it's time for a game called OK Stop. What the... I swear to God, you know, we've got a new intern on the ones and twos i'm watching i'm watching i fear my job's on the line too we play for keeps we'll roll a clip panel can say okay stop at any point to comment you know the way you feel in the morning when someone brings a box of donuts to the office and you say you're only gonna have a piece

and that pizza leads to a half, and the half leads to trying many halves, and then you find one you really like, so you eat the whole one, and before you know it, it's 10 a.m., and you have that weird full but not full feeling like after a wedding where you ate a bunch of small things over hours but ever feel like you really ate a meal? Well, do you know what I mean? Yes. That's what Fox & Friends does every morning to the minds of our fathers.

Let's see what Fox & Friends thought about the most important Senate hearing in maybe three decades. Really, only time will tell whether or not Schumer's strategy of trying to get all this out there and what was a marathon day will work or not. Thank you very much, Griff. And luckily, it's so exciting, It's going to keep them awake. If you watch some of it, there were snippets and we're showing you the good stuff. Why does everyone at Fox News dress like the cake

batter at a gender reveal party? Girls in pink, boys in blue. Like, why? If a gender reveal party as a concept became a person, they would run Fox and Friends. You know what I mean? Let's bring up real patriarchy

with balloons mindset. That's Fox and Friends. That's why their faces are so waxy. It's just candles melting. Those men match. I'm on the TV, y'all. I have been for 400 years. And one thing that they do in wardrobe is to make sure that everyone

compliments and offsets and like, it's not matchy, matchy, matchy, matchy. These grown, horrible, grinning, clownish, white man middle-aged twins. I don't stop it. Do the women always have to wear fuchsia pink or lavender? I don't watch Fox News.

I can't. I won't. I don't care anymore. I just can't have it in my brain. So this is, I'm from West Virginia so I grew up watch Fox News. I can't. I won't. I don't care anymore. I just can't have it in my brain. I'm from West Virginia, so I grew up with that bullshit. This is making me sick to my stomach. Anyway. Sam, I think you made a really good point. And it's this. Only the one?

I did. I do. It was in stark relief when Sean Spicer was on Dancing with the Sars Sars is used loosely Question mark Inside of all of these places, inside of

Fox News, inside of ABC, there is a fifth column of gay stylists hairdressers, makeup artists who come in every day doing their part for the resistance. Oh, good, yeah. Our people! And

it may not change the world. It may not defeat Donald Trump overnight. But there is a gay person who hands each of these to people. There's a Brandon going, take it. No, just put it on.

You look great, Wallace, or whoever they are. I play him on TV a lot, I know. Girl, your hair, wink, secretly, looks terrible. It was unbelievably boring. I don't know how people can follow it. Basically, Republicans approve the rules. Democrats over and over and over. We want witnesses.

We want witnesses. But right now. I just love the idea of like, your job is to explain to people what happened during those long, boring stretches. It's not like your job would be like, I'm the news and I couldn't pay attention. Snooze alert.

Don't worry about it. I don't think we missed anything. They're all like motion to proceed. What does that mean? I don't know and I don't care. Why are they patting themselves on the back for synthesizing information? Refusing to synthesize information. That's like your babysitter being like, I watched them.

And you're like, that's what I paid you to do. And also just like, I know this is so redundant to all of us, but no consideration for the Constitution or the rule of law. I'm exhausted.

Oh Christ, what can I say anymore? All right. Stick a turn. So it's just like, anyway, 1787, a bunch of people trying to write a Constitution. Amendment,

boring, boring, boring. Republicans are saying no. We'll see what happens with that. We watched so that you don't have to watch the entire thing. If you watched it, you felt like you were watching opening arguments. Those haven't even started yet. This was just the debate over the rules. And I was sitting back watching last

night thinking, this is a circus. And then I thought, and then my wife, Jen, corrected me and said, no, at least circuses are entertaining. Right. Like this is just a show. You know how it's going to end 53, 47 on every vote. Now you have three days to endure of the house managers, the Democrats making their case. I don't think the majority of people watched. I think they just turned to us to be able to summarize it for them. Okay, stop. But they're not doing it. They're not actually telling you what happened. They're explaining why they were too bored to watch it.

Imagine, if you will, that it was the Democratic president, say Bill Clinton, who was being impeached. Imagine how different that would be on the whitey, whitey, white, white, white, white set. The couch is white as them. It's just sickening. They'd be up in arms, foaming at the mouth, seething,

and just like rending their man spanks apart. And I'm speaking from experience. I'm wearing wear now. It's not comfortable. I think they turned it on, and they thought, oh, wait. Didn't I hear this a couple of weeks ago? Yes. Don't I know how this is going to end?

And I'm going to hear it again tomorrow. I'll say this. I've said it many times. If you remember the film, the Twilight Zone film, that's the one where it begins with Dan Aykroyd and Albert Brooks in a car. Yes. And it keeps getting better.

I love that movie. I meant that. And there's a story inside of that film in which a little boy has total control over reality. And so he lives in a house with his family that are forced to do everything he wants. And so every day it's his birthday. And every day he gets a birthday cake

and he gets cheeseburgers with peanut butter on them and no one can say anything wrong and the television is only on cartoons. Donald Trump is their little boy who controls their reality. And these are three people living in abject terror that their boy king will put them inside the cartoon. We come back. We'll have the rant wheel. Hey, don't go anywhere.

There's more of Love It or Leave It coming up. And we're back. Now it's time for the rant wheel. You know how it works. We spin the wheel. Wherever it lands, we'll talk about the topics. This week on the wheel, we have gageism. That sounds bad.

It's like ageism, but for gay people. Yep. Not gageism. Lack of baby wipes, C-SPAN production values, Space Force camouflage, Free Britney, intermittent fasting, the crown, and the crown. Let's spin the wheel. Ugh, let me guess. It has landed on intermittent fasting. I'll tell you this.

Other than the long periods of time where you can't eat, it's a breeze. But I'm really finding it troubling. Here's what's happening. Let me tell you about a problem I'm running into, all right? I have a tried and true method to avoid eating late night desserts. There's always got to be two things in my house, all right? There's got to be a loaf of grainy bread. Three things in my house.

There's got to be a crunchy peanut butter, all right? And I'm going to return to the peanut butter in a second. And there's got to be honey that I didn't buy, but probably Ronan bought for tea, something I don't do. And so when the monster comes, when you're midway through an episode of The Crown in which the moral of the story, always is, best not get involved. You don't go hunting for an ice cream novelty by checking to see if the CVS in walking distance

is still open. You get a piece of grainy bread, you smear on some peanut butter, and you put a little honey on it. Here's the problem. You eat that at 10.30pm and you want to get a good 16 hour fast. Nobody wants to be around you. You got an attitude

because it's 9.45 and lunch isn't for 5 hours. Here's the point. We're all going to pretend that the fancy organic peanut butter that separates is better than good old-fashioned American Skippy?

Are we all going to continue to tell this lie to ourselves? What are we doing, Los Angeles, with this godforsaken peanut butter? You open it up, and there's two inches all the way to the fucking brim of the kind of oil

that feels like it's from, like, like Ice Planet 9, that if it touches you, if it gets on you, you are lubricated like a jet engine. Once that oil comes over the side of that fucking jar,

it's done. It can't be removed. You gotta go get turpentine to clean the side of this fucking jar. If you pour the oil out, you got yourself some rock-hard peanut butter. But

it is 2020. We have a space force. Have none of the people at Peanut Butter HQ seen a bathtub if it's filled to the fucking brim with two inches of motor oil that you need to mix inside of rock hard nut paste. The second a fucking spoon touches that oil, it's everywhere. And we're all walking around like this is correct and fine and the better, more expensive option than the Skippy I ate at a child that's built for fucking bread that you can paint like fucking Bob Ross

on a piece of grainy bread when you're stoned out of your fucking gourd at 1025 because you paused the crown because you're still on the fence about visiting a place where children died. because you're still on the fence about visiting a place where children died. The point I'm making is I'm switching back to the inorganic peanut butter, and I don't want to hear another goddamn word about it.

And I don't know what they're doing over there at something something 365. Whatever's going on on there. I would like it to spend one day of the 365 days thinking about the packaging something so that when you get a jar of organic peanut butter, it's not a fucking science project. I'm not sure if I'm going to make it on the intermittent fasting. I forgot this was about that I literally started yesterday Yeah, I think How many hours? Eight? Are you eating eight hours and then off?

I'm doing it I think it's only going to work for me If I shift to a 27 hour day It's not going to. I gotta face it. Here's the problem. I keep cheating by having breakfast. Let's spin it again. I'm terrified.

Oh, is it just like... Oh. It has landed on the lack of baby wipes. Uh-oh. Aida. I feel like this choice reveals a lot about my ass. Okay, first of all, I would like to say, first and foremost, I do not want to...

Someone said, oh, my God, and oh, my God is right. This is going to be horrible. I don't want to be judged on the frivolity of which I'm about to speak about human feces i'm gonna get out of your way that's fair i need space i need to like eagle out it's gonna be out here i recently went to sweden and maybe the miss london over here can attest to this where is she at so you know how our bathrooms our stalls end like right here and we can like play footsie with the person next to us

if we really want to? I noticed that when I was in Sweden, there were little full cubicles, they're full rooms that you can go to the bathroom. Is it like that in the UK? Yes, very. But would you say majority, it's that? Yes.

Yes, so you're saying yes. Why do we shit in barbarity? Like, why do I have to be in close quarters with someone when I'm going to the bathroom with them? It's really disrespectful. Thank you. And I know the person clapping is a woman. I know this.

Because I'm sick of doing this like, is anybody here when I really want to do a number two? Do you know what I'm talking about? So, that, and most importantly, so when I was in Sweden, I decided to venture into the men's bathroom and I was in the women's bathroom. And of course, they had baby wipes for your ass. Okay, so you can be actually clean. But then also in the men's bathrooms where I didn't belong, but I went, there were baby changing tables and baby wipes. Like just let that sit in for a second,

what that means politically, okay? For the country of Sweden and for the babies of Sweden and why they're better people than us. Because their dads wipe their asses with moist towelettes. I just want you guys to think about this. The next time you're in the bathroom, be mad. Be mad. Think about what you're using to wipe your ass. The next time you're in the bathroom, be mad. Be mad. Think about what you're using to wipe your ass. It's dry, one-ply toilet paper. I was at a fancy restaurant the other night. Once in a while.

And I was sitting at the bar. Because I'm a cool guy. Sometimes I eat at the bar. The hallway that led to the restrooms was by there. And a woman came bounding out of the bathrooms. And she turned to me, a stranger, and she had, like, glasses and short hair and, like, a pashmina.

Pashmina? Pashmina. A pashmina. Come on, gay boy, come on. I just misspoke. Let us down. No, it's a pashmina. She had the air of, like, a literature professor, but the one you down. No, it's a pashmina. She had the air of a literature professor,

but the one you want. You want her class. She was cool. But tough. But she pushes you. But she came out and turned to me, a stranger, eating a meal at the bar, saying, the toilets in here are amazing.

I was like, I'm sorry, what? They have those toilets, and they're magical, and they spray water and air, and it was wonderful in there, and I feel so clean and good. Great. She walked away. And then I turned to the bartender.

I was like, oh, you guys have those Toto toilets that spray water? He said, yeah. And I was like, are they in the men's room too? And he goes, honestly, we had And I was like, are they in the men's room too? And he goes, honestly, we had them for two weeks and they stopped working because men are disgusting. I housed that for a rich friend one time who had one and they make noises in the middle of the night like ghosts,

like Japanese phantoms. They'll be sleeping like... Like it's self-cleaning itself, or just moving around for, right? You have one, I can tell. They just like literally, I was like, and there's like, and you're like, what's going on?

There's a ghost robot in the house. Because it's one of those old Hollywood mansions. There's probably thousands of murders there. Anyway, it was terrifying. Good night. Let's, for God's sakes, let's spin it again. We've got to spin the wheel again. Oh, no.

I feel like it's rigged. You have a problem. It has landed on the crown, which means, in my heart, it has also landed on C-SPAN production values. The Crown is a magnificent show. Beautiful, stirring. But a group of people whose goal in life

is to leave no impression, have very little impact, and do their best to stay out of politics. And they keep failing at it. I put on the last episode of season three in my house, and Ronan was bounding about, and he came in, and he caught a speech by Olivia Colman,

which is always something like this. Sometimes, the most important thing a queen can do is nothing. And Ronan turned to me, and he was like I assumed that by I watched the season one

and I assumed that by season three it'd have come to some new lesson because I believe Claire Foy gave that speech in season one and I was like yes she did and yet the crown

could not be more stirring. Why? Because it's shot beautifully. Magnificent score. Wonderful performances, rich tapestries, and the camera work. My goodness. Lots of

beautiful shots. Protagonists centered. Come around. What's behind them? Big fucking castle. Every time. You're standing behind somebody and they're looking out at a field. You can bet your bottom dollar

when we come around, there's a castle. And so through the power of cinema, photography, and the power of camera angles, a stirring tale, which brings me to the impeachment trial. C-SPAN, I don't know what your budget is. I don't know what Mitch McConnell's letting you do or not do. Come around. Show me some fucking reaction shots. Where did you go to fucking film school?

I got a fucking, I got a shot on Val Deming that does not move. This isn't Birdman caught Cut to another goddamn angle. Show me a senator looking at this thing. Ooh, whoa. That's how we understand what's going on. You show someone saying something, you cut to the people hearing it. And by their reactions, you have a reaction as well.

Perhaps the same, perhaps different. And inside of that tension, inside of the moving of the camera, is a bit of interest. Visual. Psychological. No. It's one fucking still camera on a grey background and

members of Congress speaking for hours. Let's spin it one more time. It has landed on Gageism. That's for me. Alright, I'm a gay gentleman of a certain age. I've lived in LA since 1987. I've been around for a minute and a half. I'm the kind of gay dude who like saw some shit because of AIDS and everything else. Now the good thing about being a gay guy my age nowadays is because of the apps and everything because I look all right for my age. I know I look great. I'm over 40 and I'm so

much over 40 that I'm over 50 and I'm that much over 40. So the good news these days, these young boys come, like, I, this college student from Chicago wanted to take me out to lunch when he was visiting here, and he sat down with me, and I was like, tell me your story, and he was like, well, you know, my dad left when I was young, but I don't have daddy issues, and I held his hand, and I said, you absolutely do, or you wouldn't be sitting

here with this guy, but it's fine, so do I, let's figure them out together. But, um, so that's fine. So do I. Let's figure them out together. So that is now. Now, when I was in my 20s and 30s, in the 90s, my 20s and early 30s, this gets dark, and then the 80s when I was teens and early 20s, it was a terrible time to be a gay person,

as we all know, with AIDS. Men were dying. Men had HIV. We lost so many people. It was just, go to a party look around your five closest friends two years later they won't be there anymore okay it was that dark I lost my boss I lost my my uncle um so I had no as a young gay performer uh I was out since 1990 I was never in I didn't have the energy so I was just always like figuring it out so that's when I was young I didn't have any mentors I didn't have anyone to look up to

who was a gay male performer or comedian people were in the closet or sick or just not interested I had a couple other couple casting director friends but they just also wanted to oh fuck me and that's a different relationship so I was at this event like not about it it's been a few months ago and there's this guy I've met three or four times who's a young

like young mid 30s I guess early 30s, not that young, comedian, writer, person, who I've been around three or four times, and I stupidly, with another friend in the conversation, revealed how old I was, because a part of the thing is taking away the stigma in the gay community of age. I'm not so much that I'm going to say it right now in front of you.

Google me. It's wrong, too. I don't care. But I'm over 50. And I stupidly said my age to this guy, and this one guy said, like, wow, I knew one of those gays was a little bit older than us, but I didn't know you were that much older than us. And I was like, well, yeah, I am. And so then two events later,

after being around this person and running into the things and him being not a nice person, we were at another thing, and he was looking over my shoulder at my phone. And my text is on pretty large large and I still wear reading glasses. So then he looks over my shoulder and he just dug in deep. This bitch couldn't help herself

and he was like, God, you're so old. Your text is so big. How old are you? Blah, blah, blah, blah. And I said, well, what I say to all young people and all of us older people can say to young people and you know what I'm going to say. Well, you're either going to be my age one day or you'll be dead, right? Which is true of all of us older people can say to young people, and you know what I'm going to say, well, you're either going to be my age one day or you'll be dead, right? Which is the true of all of us.

And he said to me, just in the meanest, nastiest, I would rather be dead than your age. I would rather be dead. Now, I'm trying to be a good person because I'm sober seven and a half years and I'm in therapy. I'm trying to, honey, because it was, People joke about meth

and I'm like, that was my diet plan, 97 to 2004. Guess what? It worked, England. Till it didn't. So, no more booze for me. It's like people are like,

why do you look so good? I'm like, I don't drink anymore. No one wants to hear that. Glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug. Yeah. Anyway, keep drinking. Enjoy your life. I'm not...

That's just me. So, I wish I still could drink, but I don't. Anyway, so this bitch, I didn't say anything, y'all. I kept it tight. I kept my tongue down. And I should say this to this person's face, and hopefully they'll listen to this, and I should just maybe I'll say it to them. I went like, bitch, do you know?

Do you know how many of my friends wish they had lived to see this age? How dare you as a young gay man who's 20 years away from 54 saying you'd rather be dead? Bitch, my friends did die. My uncle died. My boss died. So many acquaintances. People I worked with at Johnny Rockets when

I first moved here. The best guy in the world and then two weeks later you come back and they're like, he's dead. That's how life was for us back in the 80s and early 90s until we got the cocktail. And it's not anyone here and I'm not yelling at y'all. I'm yelling at the world and yelling at people who might feel this way it's like

I fought for you bitch you couldn't be out and be an actor when I first moved here I fought for you, I marched for you not to me, just me but all the guys my age a lot of who died made the world okay for you now so have some fucking respect here

all your elders the lesbians that respect to all your elders. The lesbians that helped us. All your gay elders. Because a legion of men and women died to give you the world you have now. So respect me, bitch.

Anyway, that's all. But most young gay guys are sweet little angels like John Lovett and due respect. Also, I'm single. If you're just saying you know that. That was a wonderful rant. Thank you.

It really was. Thank you so much. You're welcome. I thank my friends who aren't with us anymore. And that's our show. I want to thank Ida Osmond, Sam Dankey. Thank you so much. Thank you.

The improv, Nancy Pelosi and Adam Schiff, thank you. 282 days until the election. Pick your weekends, travel to a swing state, knock on some doors, and have a great night. Love It or Leave It is a product of Crooked Media. It is written and produced by me, John Lovett, Ailisa Gutierrez, Lee Eisenberg, our head writer and Michael Bloomberg speech writer, Travis Helwig, and writers Jocelyn Kaufman, Alicia Carroll, and Peter Miller. Bill Lance is our editor, and Frank Tadek is our sound engineer. Thank you.