Lovett or Leave It - The Trigon of Sadness

Episode Date: February 22, 2025

This week, Elon Musk revs up his chainsaw to slice through bureaucracy… and our hearts. Donald Trump comes down on Ukraine and Mitch McConnell walks straight into retirement. Tom Green bets the farm on farms. Nori Reed goes hunting for great news. And Lovett and his guests share their country rants until the cows come home.Upcoming shows: crooked.com/events 

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["Love It or Leave It"] ["Love It or Leave It"] ["Love It or Leave It"] ["Love It or Leave It"] What's up Los Angeles? ["Love It or Leave It"] Welcome to Love It or Leave It live from Dynasty Typewriter. The White House is celebrating Black History Month and ending diversity programs which actually make sense.

One way to honor the civil rights movement is by making sure we still need one. That one exactly as we discussed. Tonight on the show Tom Green leaves the wilderness to answer all of your wild questions so start thinking now about what life advice you would want to receive from Tom Green. Noir Reed is here to share some gay old news and then we put on our overalls to wrap it all up with a good old-fashioned spin of the rant wheel but, let's get into it. What a week!

Just when you thought things couldn't get any better, Elon Musk stopped by CPAC today. That's the conservative conference and simultaneous closeted gay orgy, where he gestured wildly with a chainsaw on stage. This is the chainsaw for bureaucracy. Chainsaw! Yeah, it's really giving third act of a Star is Born vibes. Anyway, how's everybody doing? Everybody keeping up with their gratitude journals? Keeping those New Year's resolutions? Musk had a number of important messages for the attendees.

Yeah, we're fighting the matrix big time here. It's got gotta be done. Sounds like somebody took the red pill. And then like a hundred other pills. Here's Musk ruminating on his favorite topic. I am become meme. Yeah, pretty much. I'm just, I'm living the meme. It's like there's living the dream and there's living the meme.

And it's pretty much what's happening, you know? Ah yes, I am become meme from the part of the Bhagavad Gita about me specifically killing myself. For those listening at home, Musk is wearing sunglasses indoors during the day. That's the international sign for this guy should definitely have backdoor access to all the databases. I wore sunglasses inside once during a taping of Pod Save America in 2017

because I thought I was incredibly hungover, but it turned out I had a rapidly expanding MRSA infection that landed me in a Texas hospital for four days. Do you think that's what he has? Yeah. True fans of the show, remember that. Does anyone remember that? Betsy, remember that?

Betsy remembers that. All in all, a perfect addition to a perfect week as Doge and the Trump administration continue to conduct a sloppy wave of mass firings across the federal government, in some cases backtracking after realizing, whoops, we fired the guy who stops the bombs from going boom. So if you're still in line to be fired by a tweaking South African billionaire, stay in line. One of the 1,000 Veterans Affairs workers whom Doge kicked to the curb, Luke Graziani, a disabled Army veteran with four kids who worked at the Bronx VA Hospital after serving in the Army for 20 years and deploying on four tours to

Iraq and Afghanistan. Does Italian count as DEI anymore? Asks a sweaty Elon Musk who was also trying to figure out why a nuclear warhead was beeping. And as various aircraft keep touching, which they're not supposed to do, hundreds of employees at the FAA have been fired. and while those firings didn't include air traffic controllers, they did include people responsible for maintaining critical air traffic infrastructure. So when your Spirit Air flight loses a wing over the Gulf of America, just remember that

in the three minutes it will take diplomat to your death, about half of your fellow passengers will be Trump voters who, while having what feels like an eternity to face oblivion, will be smashed by jagged, shattering fuselage, having learned absolutely nothing. Anyway, I'm heading straight to DC to register my concerns about all this. If the weather is favorable and the horses stay true, I shall be there in three to six months. Meanwhile, the Department of Energy fired more than 300 employees from the National Nuclear Security Administration, then scrambled to hire them back after members of Congress pointed out that some of them were

tasked with overseeing the country's nuclear weapons. Also about to be accidentally fired, several ICBMs. On Tuesday, the USCA announced that it had mistakenly fired several employees who were working on the federal bird flu response and was trying to hire them back. Unfortunately it was too late. The employees had already accepted high-paying jobs working for the bird flu lobby. Revolving door. Thousands of employees across the Department of Health and Human Services were notified of their firing over the weekend in what some have called a Valentine's Day massacre, a

little disrespectful to the original Valentine's Day massacre, which was the time I got food poisoning during a romantic post-Korean barbecue hot air balloon ride. To be clear, it was my fault. I mixed up the tongs. Jim Jones, not that Jim Jones, the FDA top food official, resigned on Tuesday in response to the firing saying in a letter to the FDA's acting commissioner, it would have been fruitless for me to continue in this role. Do you think he consciously made a food pun or is he just so passionate about food that he did it without thinking? I think it's the second one probably. Anyway, don't think of it as losing confidence

in food safety, think of it as gaining fun new M&M flavors like chromium and rat. In an interview later on Tuesday, Jones told Stat News that the firing of 89 staff members responsible for food safety had effectively dismantled the division. But think of all the TikToks you'll be able to watch on the toilet at the supermarket while you think about how after you wash your hands you have to handle the key attached to a checkout divider.

I want to talk about this. You see, the reason we chose supermarket is it's the kind of place where you really only have to use the bathroom if it's an emergency because home is almost always the next stop because of the perishables. So if you're in there for a loosey-doosey, a lot went wrong. America's number one late night political gay live comedy podcast. Man, whatever.

The White House defended the firings, of course, with press secretary Caroline Levitt, no relation, saying in a statement, There are a number of bureaucrats who are resistant to the democratic process. Not as resistant as the E. coli in our spinach is about to be, but resistant nevertheless. Continued Levitt, no relation, President Trump is only interested in the best and most qualified people who are also willing to implement his America First agenda on behalf of the American people.

It's not for everyone, and that's okay. No. No, no. Pineapple pizza is not for everyone. Pizza topped with hexane and bits of conveyor belt is for no one. Look, it is easier as a society to make heroes of people than it is of systems. We lift up inventors and soldiers and leaders of all kinds.

We celebrate bravery and we celebrate brilliance. It's a style of entertaining and conveying our values instinctive in us, not just older than our complicated interconnected world, but older than writing itself. Every one of us has heard of the Wright brothers. We've all heard of Amelia Earhart because we love stories of women getting what they deserve.

But we don't learn about the committees that crafted the laws that created the FAA and the National Transportation Safety Board. Flight was never the miracle. Bats and birds and bugs can fly. Flying safely was the miracle. And that was about invention and genius and courage for sure. Plus pissing in your pants, which was a big part of it early on. But it was also about meticulous, deliberate, complex systems of inspections, redundancies, tests, training, processes, fail-safes, and investigations that made flying so safe we take it for granted.

We haven't been constantly worried about planes falling out of the sky or food that's labeled allergy-safe sending kids into anaphylaxis because they're little weaklings. And Democrats are so bad at reaching people who need to be reached and lacking the credibility to persuade anybody once we do that no one takes it seriously when we talk about how bad it could get. We tried explaining why cigarettes cause cancer, but you still thought it was cool. So now you're going to have to smoke a whole carton of cigarettes while also eating room temperature scallops at a seafood buffet with tape marks on the window where the health

inspector rating used to be. Meanwhile, Doge has been trying to access a highly restricted IRS system that contains sensitive data about every taxpayer, taxpayer business and nonprofit in the United States and alright I'm just gonna get ahead of this that bouncy castle was a legitimate business expense and I stand by that I needed it for work the top official at the Social Security Administration also resigned over the weekend after refusing to grant access to sensitive data which includes the medical information of Americans who have applied for disability benefits.

All right, I'm just gonna get ahead of this. I really did have dyslexia, but I overcame it by being really, really smart. I'm gonna get a lot of misspelled, angry comments on that one. An engineer at the General Services Administration has resigned in protest after a Musk ally demanded access to Notify.gov, a system used to send mass texts to all Americans.

Just a heads up, if Elon Musk starts texting us, I'm going off the grid. If you want to hear this show, you can find me at 7.30 p.m. on Thursdays in the San Gabriel Mountains. Where? Who knows? Good luck! Just follow the laughter, the sounds of laughter. Sometimes it's lighter than you want. That's not your fault. That's their fault. Then on Thursday, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth instructed the Pentagon to cut

their budget by $50 billion next year, or 8%. What are they cutting? Come on, landmines and planes that can't fly in the rain. Nope, it's anything related to climate change, DEI, and other quote, woke programs. Yeah, Senator Tommy Tuberville was enthusiastic about the plan, saying, and this is a direct quote, I wouldn't be against them taking it from a pentagon to a trigon. Cut a couple sides off of it. Ken, I'll take things Osama bin Laden said in August 2001 for 800 please. I wouldn't be against them taking it from a pentagon to a trigon.

A... A... A trigon. Only word for it. Only word for it is trigon. And I'll say it again. If you are losing to the dumbest motherfuckers on earth, maybe they're not the dumbest motherfuckers on earth.

Maybe they're the second dumbest. Trigon? I'm gonna try to kill myself. Fucking Trigon, are you kidding me? Republicans are reportedly alarmed by cuts to agencies even conservatives deem too essential to sacrifice like the FAA and the National Oceanic Atmospheric Administration, or NOAA. It's all fun and games until you remember

that you have to fly back to your home district through the atmosphere. Said Senator Lisa Murkowski, we all want efficiencies. There is a way to do it. And the way these people have been treated has been awful in many cases, awful, referring to the firing of 1,000 national forest service workers.

Only who can prevent forest fires? Not those guys anymore, that's for sure. Now let's see what the Vice President, Jortz Dealer Vance, had to say about all this. What is the essence of masculinity? You could answer this in so many different ways, but when I think about me and my guy friends, we really like to tell jokes to one another. Somebody get these guys into a podcast studio. Now lock the doors from the outside. What is the essence of masculinity, JD?

Tell us, what is it, this essence of masculinity, what you and your guy friends get up to? It's the essence. As all masculine men toss, eh get up to? It's the essence. As all masculine men toss, eh? They're constantly thinking about the essence of their masculinity. Where is release? Where is best experience?

Hey, straight guys, where do you manifest your masculinity best, you find? Where is its essence? Fucking fag. Despite... Jesus. No, go on. Tell me more masculinity, cum-guzzling freak. Numb-skinny.

Does it come from this side or this side? The essence of masculinity. Oh, I think there's a little essence of masculinity in your fucking chin. Unbelievable. But despite criticism from Republicans and declining approval ratings, the Trump White House is forging ahead, announcing an executive order creating the Make America Healthy Again Commission chaired by Health and Human Services Secretary and Human Pepper Grinder, R.F.K. Jr. The order includes a promise to assess the prevalence and threat of drugs like ozempic

and selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors or SSRIs. If you think planes falling out of the sky is bad, wait till you see what happens when you take away SSRIs from Gen Z. Removing Lexapro prescriptions is like step one on the New York Times cooking app recipe for making perfectly al dente Luigi's. Speaking, alright this is what you want. You want it a little vulgar, a little darker. I got it.

Where we were too sweet at the beginning. Alright. Alright. I'll follow. Speaking of needing health and human services, Mitch McConnell announced his retirement on Thursday, which was also his 83rd birthday. He said he plans to spend more time falling down the stairs with his family.

Wow. It says here he just took a big job with the Gravity Lobby after all their fights. Revolving door. McConnell served seven terms in the Capitol, and one outside while he was being built, telling you this guy's old. How old is he?

McConnell went to the beach from the movie Old that makes you old and said, I remember when this beach was segregated. McConnell gave his farewell address from the Senate floor, though it had started at the podium. And we do have a clip. We do have a clip. A turtle falling down the, for those at home, it was a turtle falling down the stairs. Meanwhile New York City Mayor Eric Adams defended himself this week against accusations that he offered to help Trump's anti-immigration efforts in exchange for the Justice Department dropping corruption charges against him, saying of the allegation, that is what you're seeing right there, right now, a modern-day Mein Kampf.

What? What are you saying, friend? Who are you in this analogy? In fairness, I do the same thing. Whenever I'm reading a book, I constantly find myself seeing connections to it in the world. Like how just last week I was like, this sandwich is a modern-day Unabomber's manifesto. Speaking of armies marching across Europe, Trump has decided he's headed up to here with

Ukraine, here being the new border between Poland and Russia. They don't actually have a border yet. You get it? All right. It all began when Vladimir Zelensky criticized the United States for meeting with Russia without inviting Ukraine officials to talk about ending the war. Look, we've all been there. You open your Instagram, Russia and the United States are out at drinks together even though

you asked the United States if they wanted to go out earlier and they were like, I'm tired, long week. And you're like, what the hell? And they're like, it came together at the last minute. And they're like, maybe if you weren't so quick to be a fucking butt-hurt asshole, we'd invite you more. And then it's like, oh, now I need to stop being upset to be noticed? Better bring my A game or no more poker nights for me?

What are we talking about? Trump then escalated his rhetoric, posting on True Social, Think of It. A modestly successful comedian, Vladimir Zelensky, talked the United States of America into spending $350 billion to go into a war that couldn't be won, that never had to start, but a war that he without the US and Trump will never be able to settle, a dictator without elections, Zelensky better move fast

or he's not going to have a country left. First of all, Zelensky is an immodestly successful comedian. I am a modestly successful comedian. Zelensky was on television. Of course it's absurd to ask why haven't you had elections while your country is in the middle of fighting an unprovoked invasion and half the population has fled. They haven't had student council elections at Palisades High either. But that doesn't make outgoing senior Claudia Shang a tyrant.

Mike Pence criticized Trump for claiming Ukraine started the conflict with Russia, which began when Russia invaded the country in February of 2022. But he then hustled back down to his milk cellar to continue hiding from pardoned insurrectionists. The vast majority of Republicans, including Republicans who once spoke out about the importance of supporting allies in the fight against Putin, stayed silent or offered the barest of criticisms on these fucking Republicans who have been reading Churchill biographies in World War II histories through every vacation of their entire lives can't see that they are in the midst of their moment in history and are failing completely.

But I will remember until I eat a runny yolk and die. And finally, employees at a New Hampshire grocery store discovered a venomous Ecuadorian snake in a shipment of bananas last week. Things went from bad to worse when the snake offered a banana to one of the female employees and her single bite of it made all the other workers realize that they were naked and imbued with sin from the moment they're born. A New Hampshire Fish and Game official told reporters, We're lucky enough that one of the workers at Market Basket

was familiar with reptiles. And ladies, he's single, which he blames you for. Up next, he's a lean, mean pranking machine. It's Tom Green. Woo! Hey, don't go anywhere. There's more of Love It or Leave It coming up. Love It or Leave It is brought to you by Shipskis.

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That's S-H-I-P-S-K-I-S.com. Make sure you use the code loveit so they know we sent you. Please welcome to the stage, his bum will be on the chair shortly, it's the one and only Tom Green. Hi, thank you for being here. What's the dog's name?

This is Charlie everybody. Say hi to Charlie. Hey Charlie. Come on over here, Tom Green. How are you? Hey John, thanks for having me on the show. Good to see you, thanks for being here. This is Charlie, Charlie? Come on over here. Tom Green. How are you? Hey John, thanks for having me on the show. Good to see you. Thanks for being here. This is Charlie.

Charlie's my dog. Yeah. Yeah. Comes with you everywhere? Yeah, I've been traveling around touring with my dog. Things are going real good for me. That's so fun. You get to travel with your dog.

Yeah. Yeah, she comes on stage with me at my stand-up shows. This is not her first time on stage. She's one of the most seasoned stand-up comedy dogs in the business today. Especially after that dog from Frasier died. Yeah, well, thanks for bringing the mood down. No, everyone hated that dog. Okay, fuck that dog. So, hi, thanks for being here. Great to be here. So, you're the star of a new comedy special called Tom Green, I Got a Mule. What is a mule? A mule is a half horse, half donkey. It's a hybrid animal.

So you take a horse and a donkey and you make them breed two different species. Breed. It's perverted. And can I ask a question? Does it matter which direction? In other words, does it matter if it's a because if it's a tiger and a lion you end up with a lion and a Liger and a lie tie a lie. Generally a male donkey and a female horse We have bride because the horse would be too big and the donkey would explode it's just more that it's just no it's more that a donkey is willing to Procreate with a another species, but a horse doesn't really want to do that

It's still too weird for a horse doesn't really wanna do that. It's still too weird for a horse. Right, right, right, the horse is a little bit pickier. Yeah. That tracks with their kind of energies in cartoons. They're extremely smart. Really? Yeah, people say stubborn is a mule,

but they're actually extremely intelligent animals. The hybrid aspect kind of creates a smarter animal. What is a project where you would say, I don't want a donkey or a horse, I need a mule? So I'm from Canada. I lived in Los Angeles for 20 years, four years ago during the worldwide global pandemic. Sure, remember it.

I moved back to Canada and I got a farm. And there was a couple of old barns on the property and I thought it would be kind of fun to get a an animal to ride around on. Mm-hmm. And I thought a mule would seem kind of funny. Yeah it's funny it's a funny animal because it's it's a can't reproduce. And it just seemed like it but it seemed I would look funny too you know. Right. But then the mule I found is a beautiful mule she doesn't look funny at all she's very majestic Fanny is her name. Oh that's my great-grandmother's name. Yeah well. She doesn't look funny at all. She's very majestic. Fanny is her name. Oh, that's a name.

That was my great grandmother's name. Yeah, well. She was deaf. Okay. Okay, cool. Yeah, interesting. Yeah. So it's...

I mean, it's... She was. She met her husband was deaf too, but I never met him. He died before I was born. Yeah. Well, yeah, I don't think it's any relation to your grandmother at all. Yeah, she was from the old country. Okay, absolutely. Well, it's cool.

But more back to your mule. You ever ride her around in the wilderness? No, she was so frail, but she taught me sign language. Okay. And she would let me ring the doorbell that lit up the whole apartment. Oh, that's so nice. Your grandmother sounds nice.

What was your mule, Fanny, still alive? Fanny, I just got her. I just got her. Oh, yeah. I just got her like a year and a half ago. Mules live to be up to like sometimes 40 years old. No! Yeah, absolutely. So she'll be alive longer than you probably. Wow, okay. I mean I'm pretty healthy.

Yeah, she'll outlive me. She'll be around another 40 years. Wow. You think you got another 40 years in you? Fanny will dance on my grave. I definitely. It's very possible, yeah. She'll definitely, like I have a donkey as well, they live to be 50 sometimes, so. And she's only three, so I'll definitely, they'll definitely outlive me. But I'll find them a good place. It's a beautiful thing, man. I love it. I love being back home in Canada. We ride around in the wilderness every day, Fanny and I. And Charlie runs along with us. Don't you,

Charlie? Don't we have so much fun?. We have chickens and with the price of eggs right now, it's gonna be pretty good. Yeah, that's... Yeah, cause the... Well, yeah. Cause Alex Spencer there. I get like a dozen eggs a day out there in the cool. Holy shit. That's a golden goose.

Absolutely. But a chicken with eggs. Real eggs. Absolutely. It's a good time for that. Hey, do you think that the young you would think this version of you tracks? Possible, possible. I mean I've always liked the outdoors and you know going out into fishing and nature and things like that so it's possible.

Yeah it is. I never imagined myself having a mule. Right. But I'm enjoying it a lot. Yeah. But you know horse? Well I do have a horse as well. Yeah, you do So you have a horse a donkey and a mule horse a donkey and a mule and a baby horse, huh? And six chickens and six guinea hens, but it's a it's a good thing I love it and and so we filmed this new television show there for prime video everybody tune in to check it out on Amazon Prime it's about me trying to figure out how to ride a mule.

You know, for the first six months she would not turn left for the first six months. Wow, stubborn. So we would just go out for a spin. But because they're stubborn, well it's because they're very smart, so they kind of figure you out. They read your energy, and she determined that I had no idea what I was doing and that I think made her not trust you know my decisions to like want to write off this way or whatever so she was kind of hesitant but as we've grown to know each other more and she's built a trust with me then things are going pretty good.

That's nice. What is the difference? You don't give a fuck. No, I'm interested. Well, I was I'm thinking more about No, I do I'm interested in this Well, I'm interested in the qualities that make a mule different than a donkey and a donkey different than a mule different than a horse What did you why not ride the donkey? Well, donkeys too small. Donkey's too small. Really? Yeah. What about a burro? What's that? That is a donkey in Spanish. Okay It's a Spanish word for donkey And as we all know

Well, you know when you get a donkey and a mule you start to get into it And I have learned a few things about it like a dog. He has 63 chromosomes 63 a horse has 64 and has 63 chromosomes. 63, wow. A horse has 64. No, sorry, a mule has 63. A donkey has 62. And a horse has 64.

So when they become the hybrid, you need to have an even number of chromosomes to reproduce. Did you know that? Yeah. So when they have the two species, they have this sort of odd number of chromosomes. And therefore, they aren't able to reproduce. That's why.

So that's the difference between a donkey, horse and a mule. I wonder what the- Chromosome count. Yeah. I wonder what they're missing. I didn't count them myself but I did read about it. No, yeah, you read about it. It's hard to count.

They're so small. Yeah. We covered adapting to life as a farmer. I wanted to ask you about how you feel now. The coyotes killed my chickens. What? Yeah. What? Yeah, I'm not a good farmer. Hey, hey, don't blame yourself. Don't blame the victim. The coyotes killed the chickens.

They're little fucking sociopaths. This show is very anti-coyote. They killed, they killed all of them but Loretta. Loretta was the lone survivor. It was Shania Patsy, Dolly, Loretta, June and Anne. And I loved them very much. Loved them, I guess I should say. Love them. They're all dead now. Loretta's dead now too. Yeah, I'm not a good farmer. I got two extra chickens to kind of keep Loretta company and they pecked her to death.

What? Yeah, I didn't know they did that, but I'm not a good farmer. But... I'm sorry about the coyotes. I renamed them Manson and Bundy, the two nameless, the nameless chickens. And then I was so mad because I loved Loretta so much, I couldn't even really stand looking at them. So I just left the coop door open and they're dead now too.

Wow. Wow. Could have... And that's the coyotes you you sort of worked with the coyotes then and sounds more like you kind of let it happen. In the second case yeah I was just but not in the initial case it was a unpredictable attack. Yeah right they're smart the coyotes. Yeah they are actually smart yeah they really are. They are. They were able to determine that I was not

home that's when they they saw the car they saw the truck leave and they came They're smart, the coyotes. They are. They are actually smart. Yeah, they really are. They are. They were able to determine that I was not home. That's when they saw the car, they saw the truck leave, and they came in when I wasn't there and it was carnage for sure. Right. It was a bad situation. But I'm not trying to bring the mood down with all the dead animal stuff, but... I mean, these people eat chicken.

Yeah, yeah. Absolutely. So it's like they can pretend to be sad, but... Yeah. I'm not surprised they do, but... Are you vegan? No? No, no I'm not but I figured here everybody was. Yeah, based on their attitude. I want to ask you about how you feel now about this incredible Ebert and Roper review of Freddie got fingered. Oh yeah, Ebert and Roper, yeah. Yeah, you remember this? Even the sort of the the Pter guy still, he hated it too.

Yeah. Roper, it was Ebert and Siskel. Siskel, then Siskel died. He brought in another guy and he hated it too, yeah. ...with Tom Green making David Spade look like Jim Carrey and Jim Carrey look like Lawrence Olivier. Wow. It's a vomitorium of a movie starring Green as Gord, an obnoxious retard who makes it

his life's work to freak out his dad play with teeth gnashing scorn by ripped porn. That's nice. I love of all the things in my 30 year career that you could have played. It was the worst review I ever got. In fact, does that bother you? No, no, I'm just thinking it's kind of interesting.

We thought it was funny. Yeah, no, it is funny for sure, if you're not me. But I... It's fun because now, you know, Freddie Got Fingered was just inducted into the Criterion Collection. Thank you very much. Was it really? Yes, it was, absolutely.

Well, I just think that like there was a certain... I'm not making that up. I know it sounds like I probably am. There was a certain... There was a certain kind of like stick up their nose to a certain... Like, of like the critics. Yeah.

To a certain kind of comedy that we're all now nostalgic for. That's why we wanted to play it. Yeah, no I... Because I think that you've... I was kidding. No, I know you are. I know you're... I understand it's funny.

I feel like you're not a guy that takes himself too seriously. No, no, no, no. That hasn't been your vibe. No, no, I didn't cry for weeks after that review. Did Roper make you cry? I didn't bury my head. Did the Cisco understudy Roper make you cry? Well, no, it was just, it wasn't a fun experience though getting that kind of feedback.

Because, you know, you work hard on a film and I wrote that and directed it, and spent several years working on it, and then these assholes come out and shit all over it. So... Unix at the Orgy, that's the old saying about critics. Yeah, but it's okay. The thing is, it's okay. It's kind of what's supposed to be a polarizing movie. Did anybody see it?

Of course. See? Yeah, see? Like 11 people. These are millennials. They belong for the ride. It's still got an audience out there. Of course. See? Yeah, see? Like, 11 people. So... These are millennials. They belong for the ride. It's still got an audience out there.

Now, it's funny. It's amazing, actually, in the last 15 years or so since, you know, it came out 20 plus years ago, but the last 10 years or so, it's become something that people actually come up to me and say that they actually liked it. Huh. So, it's pretty good. I watch you in a Canadian show where you have to not laugh. Oh yeah. And you're a killer on that show. LOL Canada. Yeah. Also on

Prime Video. Check that out. It's actually, so it's a show where a bunch of really funny people have to try to make each other laugh but if you laugh you get kicked out of the room. And you're just a, you're a monster on that show. Thank you. It was fun. It was fun. You just can't be stopped. And you're so, you have that kind of thing where you're always funny. Always. Even right now. It's right now. That's magical. I appreciate it. What a cool thing. Yeah. And now you get to live with a mule. Yeah, no, it's amazing. It was a fun show. That show kind of led to me doing these three shows on Prime that I directed, all three of the shows.

And the last thing I directed was Freddy Got Fingered, so you know these new shows are gonna be good. But how many horse penises are in these shows? More than zero I bet. All the animals are female now so. That's too bad. But we can get some penis in there for next season. Wow thank you. Thank you. Now I'm excited for season two. Absolutely you know you gotta leave somewhere to go.

Right, to the horse penis. Yeah, we have somewhere to expand to. Yeah. Horse cock for season two for John. For season two. Yeah. Ah! And you know what that sound means?

Ah. You've been this famous comedian, wild-eyed comedian, and now you're this farmer. Yeah. And all that goes along with that. Yeah, yeah. And so we wanna, we wanna see what that goes along with that. Yeah, yeah. And so we want to see if people have advice that they want to solicit from either version. Absolutely.

From either version. No problem. I'm happy to take questions from the audience here. So we welcome questions and you could seek advice. Maybe it's from the MTV Chaos era pure id Tom Green or the older wiser, more relaxed kind of mule centric Tom Green you see before you today. Absolutely, yeah. Raise your hand.

And Bill is out there. Take a couple questions. Hi, what's your name? Amari. Amari? Amari. Amari. A-M-A-R-I.

A-M-A-R-I. Yeah. If you could pick one food from your farm to hoard for the apocalypse, what would it be? One food from the farm? That's a good question. One food? A food from your farm to hoard for the apocalypse, what would it be? One food from the farm? That's a good question. One food? A food from the farm to hoard?

Well, I'm growing radishes and peaches and, you know, but one food from the farm, probably the mule. Yeah. Yeah, it's probably the mule. I was thinking it would be funnier to say I'd eat the mule than the radishes, right? So no. Would you ever eat the mule in real life? I would never eat the mule unless it really came to it. You know?

So then the answer is yes. I'd probably eat the donkey first. I'm not saying would you eat the mule. I ride the mule so she's sort of a, she just provides a good service for me. I'd probably eat the donkey first and then maybe work my way through Charlie and... No, no, we wouldn't do that. I'm just kidding. Just kidding.

I'm just joking. I would never eat the dog. Charlie would eat me. Would that Charlie eat me? No, anyways, what a weird question you would ask. Anyways, ask me. Come on, Amari. Come on, Amari.

We're talking about animals and all that. Which animal would you eat first? I can't believe you would ask me which animal I would eat first. I mean they're not food, they're pets. I love them. No, no, I know. That's not the question. I'm just joking. I'm just spinning it. What a weird question, Amari. So disappointed. I don't grow a lot of fruit, but I do have fruit trees on the property. There is something nice to answer your question seriously. There's something, I don't say it was the only reason I moved out to the country, but you know you can

actually self rely on yourself out there and grow food and there's lots of fruit trees and I have a garden and there's you know if you needed to you could survive quite nicely out there without groceries for probably indefinitely. Water comes out of the well and the ground and there's something kind of... I don't know, it does feel actually kind of comforting in this day and age and these unpredictable times. So yeah. That is nice. When I started to think that a pandemic might be coming in February, I did buy a lot of canned tuna. Yeah. Oh yeah. And I didn't know what... I guess I thought that things could get really bad and I would

like tuna more than I used to. Yeah, yeah. It's just because it was a nice protein. Right, right. A meat that was in a can that would be, yeah. Yeah, I did that too. I stocked. So that's kind of how I ended up moving back to Canada was I was here in LA and I got,

started getting all the canned stuff and beans and Non-perishable items and I'd order my groceries on Instacart and I'd spray them down with Clorox bleach on the front lawn Right, and then I'd stream that on Instagram. So my fans and followers would be safe It's always about content and then I'd read the comments and they'd say you stupid Hollywood piece of garbage go back to Canada, bitch And so I did read the comments and they'd say, you stupid Hollywood piece of garbage, go back to Canada, bitch. And so I did, I went back to Canada. Wow. Maybe they were just saying like, kind of a fun gay way, like, bitch, go back to Canada.

Well, maybe. You know? Maybe they were being playful. That's how I would say it. It could have been being playful for sure. Bitch, go back to Canada. Yeah. This person had a question.

Hello there. Hi, actually, honestly followed you for the last probably 25 years. My oldest brother's big fan of the Tom Green show. My roommate's huge fan. Honestly, Freddy Got Fingered is one of the funniest movies ever. It's absolutely hilarious. If you were ever given the chance to do like a sequel, soft reboot, whatever, what would you want to do? Freddie got fisted. Wow, that's how you really raised the stakes in a sequel.

Like how speed two was on a boat. You know, because you can't get off. Exactly. Well, you can and Freddie got fisted. You can get right. Nice. What is the... This time you can in Freddy Got Fisted. You can get right... Nice. What is the... This time you can get off.

Okay. What is the movie where you're kind of the narrator from the dorm? Road trip. Road trip. The way you stole that movie, and it was like there's this kind of vaguely normal romp going around,

and then you're out of your fucking minds. Yeah. None of that had, it couldn't have been written down. You were just doing things in a room with a cage. I don't think I was supposed to put the mouse in my mouth. Right. Yeah, that was not in the script. But there was a scene where I had to feed a mouse to a snake and it just sort of,

it crawled into my mouth on its own. So, because I was kind of dangling it, and then it kind of crawled into my mouth, and so I just figured, oh, let's just go with it. You know, we're improvising. Yes and, rat. But that was Todd Phillips directed that movie. He went over to do the Hangover and Joker and all these great old school. So that was his first movie and it was an exciting time. So yeah.

I like that. Absolutely. Anybody else want to talk? I don't think this is what you're really going for, but I'm genuinely curious. How did Loretta survive the initial slaughter? And then, but in the second part- Honestly, good question. It's interesting. She was anti-social.

So the chickens would free range and they would usually all stick together, but Loretta was kind of an outlier. She would go off on her own a lot and I think that's what saved her. I think the coyotes came in, they got all five of them and she was over here on a fence post or something. So just kind of next time you get invited to that party you don't want to go to. Just do what Loretta did and just stay on your own. But yeah, she was generally kind of stuck to herself

and I think she was just in the right place at the right time. But then she was pecked to death by her new colleagues or whatever you call them. Yes, absolutely, yeah. So clearly was not standing alone at that point. It's sweet to think of chickens that make eggs together as colleagues.

Yeah. Working towards the same goal. Do you think they have a Zoom where they're talking about if they're hitting their quotas? So was the question how did that happen or how did that occur? I just like avoided the coyotes but pecked to death by her new friends. Yeah, no, absolutely. It's Los Angeles. Sounds like Loretta wasn't that great of a hang. Yeah, yeah. Well, sometimes when you introduce chickens to each other, when they're older, they don't

get along. So they have to be all kind of grow up together and then they're a flock, but when you bring in two new ones, they kill each other. Yeah. My dad's had trouble making friends at his retirement community. Yeah, yeah. It's exactly like that. Nice. Wait, the coyotes were in LA or Canada? This was in Canada, yeah. Oh, okay. Lots of

coyotes and wolves and bears on the property up there. We have coyotes here. Absolutely, yeah. Yeah, they're a little scrawny down here. The coyotes are healthier up in Canada. Yeah, yeah. Lots of chickens to eat. Lots of idiotic newbie farmers up there to come in and take advantage of. Did you learn anything from it that you would do differently? Yeah, because I do have new chickens now and there was sort of some mistakes were made for sure. Clearly. No, like I said, they do actually observe the property. The animals observe the property and knew that I was gone.

Isn't that interesting? I noticed this when I started seeing coyotes. When I moved to LA, I was like, wow, the coyotes are genuinely wily. They are. They are wily coyotes. Absolutely. Absolutely. And they're smart.

And other animals run away from people. If you see a squirrel and a squirrel runs until it can't see anymore. Any other animals, they run away as far as they can. Coyotes, they step back, but they don't need to run all the way away, because they know that you're not going to chase them. They're smart little fucking sociopaths. So now, it's true, they are extremely intelligent. So what I do is I leave the...

First of all, if I know I'm going to be leaving that day, I don't let the chickens out. So if I know I'm gonna be gone for an extended period of time, I don't let the chickens out. And then when I do have to leave while the chickens are out, I might leave the radio on, playing some talk radio, and then the coyotes feel that there might be some people around. Maybe I'll play your podcast actually next time. Oh, that'd be nice. They'll probably come in though to sit around and listen. It sounds like there's two people plus like a small group.

They're not really laughing. How many are there? It's hard to tell. It's between five and 30 people. Sometimes it sounds like more. It usually sounds like more people. Yeah. No, it sounds good. Sounds like you're killing it here tonight. This is awesome, man. Yeah, really cool. Thanks for having me.

I like your dog. Thank you. Isn't she good? Isn't she good? So we're on tour right now, so if you want to come see Charlie and I perform, we're actually gonna be up in Colorado and we're traveling, we're actually traveling in a camper van and cruising out across the country and performing as we go and on our days off going out into the wilderness, into the American Southwest and doing a lot of photography and videography for my YouTube channel so you can go check that out. If you wanna see Charlie and I sitting on a mountaintop somewhere you can go look at hours and hours of that which is quite exciting Everybody you can watch Tom Green I got a mule Tom Green country and this is the Tom Green documentary the three things with three films

We're just talking about on prime video Tom Green everybody. Thank you. Tom will be back for the rant. Will we come back nor read? It's feeling queer and spreading cheer. We'll be right back. Hey, don't go anywhere. There's more of Love It or Leave It coming up. Love It or Leave It is brought to you by Helix. I love Helix mattresses.

If Helix mattresses improve my sleep, I have a Helix Don Lux. I'm a huge fan of it. I really have been doing a better job. I've been, the last couple weeks, honestly given all that's going on, had an impact on my sleep, but for the last few months, and not longer, like ever since I've gotten the Helix mattress, but I've just been done a better job

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to find the perfect mattress in under two minutes. I checked the quiz and as I said, I got the Donlux because I wanted something firm because I sleep on my side and my stomach. It's a great product. Go to helixsleep.com slash love it for 27% offsite wide. That's helixsleep.com slash love it for 27% offsite wide. This is their best offer, exclusive to our listeners and only available by visiting helixsleep.com slash love it for 27% offsite wide. This is their best offer, exclusive to our listeners

and only available by visiting helixsleep.com slash love it. Please welcome to the stage, your favorite trans eight girl in mind, the incredible Norrie Reed. Hi, hi, I don't drink this, I'm most, come on in. Norrie Reed everybody, good to see you. Hi. Hi, I don't know what questions you have,

but I just wanna talk about farm animals. Do you? Yeah, no, I'm just, yeah. But you're from Kentucky. I am. Rural. Yeah, yeah, yeah, rural, yeah. So you've dealt with hogs and pigs and goats

and turkeys and mules? And that's just the people. No, I rode horses growing up. You did? I did. Oh wow. Yeah, so, no. I'd eat the horse.

I'm just kidding. You also have a new standup show here at Dynasty next month called Norian Tian Fix the World. Yes. All right, well, what's the plan? We wrote that title a few months ago. And we could not at all anticipate how bad things would get. We originally were supposed to do it, but then the fires happened.

Right, right. So then it got pushed back and um, should we change the title? Is my question. I think it's more appropriate, more trenchant and appropriate than ever. Okay, okay. The planes aren't safe anymore. We didn't think about that one. We didn't say in October and then the planes won't be safe. That wasn't one of the things we thought about at all. Never fucking came up. Yeah, the planes are gonna bump.

But the... I will say the way that the Toronto, the Delta plane landed was kind of queer. No, for sure. It was kind of, you know, a kind of queered landing. Yeah, for sure. Yeah, right. It definitely, that plane served. It served. It ate.

It really ate. That plane ate. That plane ate. I also, look, I refuse to click on a single link about it because it's like, I found out what I need to know from the single picture and the fact that nobody died. Those are the two facts, the image, and then nobody died.

Any other detail I don't really care to dive into. So I just am stuck with what I'm imagining in my mind, which is just like, obviously it's the scariest fucking 30 seconds of your whole goddamn life, because you're upside down, and you're just not ready for that. No. And then, but what I always, what I keep thinking about

is there's the moment where you're upside down, and it's like, it's seatbelt time, baby. Yeah. Here we go. All I can think about is sometimes, you know whenever they put your seatbelt on, we're about to land, sometimes I'm just like, you know, sometimes I pretend to, but then I don't. I would have fucking died.

Because I don't listen to the flight attendants. Whenever, what I'm obsessed with, I would have fucking died. Because I don't listen to the flight attendants. Whenever, what I'm obsessed with, what I'm obsessed with is the way in which even in an emergency, like the brokenness of our society like intercedes and that like, I just know that the plane would be upside down, everybody is doing the, you're just hearing click,

boom, click, boom. Sorry for that. You know, just hearing click, blop, click, blop. Sorry for that. You know, just like click, blop. And just, people just, they're upside down and then they're just sort of, no one's practiced this, right, just landing, however, getting fucked up. And then you look and you're like, somebody's,

there's gonna be, everyone's looking around to see is somebody else grabbing their laptop, you know? Because I'm about to be stuck at Toronto for hours of interviews and where is my stuff There's gonna be, everyone's looking around to see is somebody else grabbing their laptop. You know? Because I'm about to be stuck at Toronto for hours of interviews and where is my stuff and all the rest. I want my fucking laptop and my charger. Where are those?

They're in my bag. You're not supposed to take your bag. And as we, now there's, if the rule is nobody takes their bag, I'm happy to leave my bag. But the second one person grabs their bag in the emergency, then there's two categories, winners and suckers. And I want my fucking bag. So I'm looking around and if anybody so much as touches their bag as we're walking on the ceiling of this plane to get out, I am gonna fucking lose

it. I am gonna lose it. And you know, there's gonna be one guy with his guitar, just kind of like it's so big and he's just like, no, it's my dad's guitar and it's like, shut up. Norah, you recently posted to your stories lamenting that just because you're a trans person, you have to be functionally an activist instead of what you want to be, a comedian that tells jokes. I agree with that, which is why we wanted to give us all a break with a twist on old classic we're calling gay as in happy news. We hear we hear at love

Nice we hear love it or leave it are inundated with horrible stories every day. I walk by So especially on like Wednesdays and Thursdays I'll walk by Hallie and Sarah's desk and they're working on, they're writing their show and it looks as though they've seen the video in the ring. And they have a certain number of time to get down what they've seen. They have ghostly white expressions.

They're easily startled because they're reading the news. You know, for you. And for me. Say thank you. So we wanted to do a segment dedicated to the fun, weird, silly, interesting, lighthearted news stories that we used to be able to cover before the devil himself and his robot children invaded the oval office. Nori, you and I are going to trade off punchlines while everyone in the audience

kicks back for a second and enjoys. And in between we say, ba-da-ba-ba-da, yay news. Okay. Huh? You know? All right, do you wanna kick us off? Okay.

A hungry baby seal was rescued from a street in Connecticut and sent to the aquarium in Mystic, Connecticut. Nice. Yeah, well, they could tell the seal was hungry by how desperately he was trying to reheat Moodang's nachos. Badap badap badap badap badap. News! In other news, a Delta flight flipped completely upside down and burst into flames as it landed in Toronto. Luckily all 80 people aboard survived. We have a clip. Just so you know, there's people outside walking around the aircraft there. Yeah, we've got aircraft there. There's upside down and burning.

Why was that funny? I don't know. It's because it's such a, it's so matter of factly describing really, like upside down is just that everything's gone wrong. And then you're throwing on the and burning. And burning. The pilot and his son were ultimately able to be switched back into their real bodies by that old lady in the cave while having learned that being an adult is harder than it looks but so is being a kid bad news I'll be honest nori we did struggle to find enough good news for the whole segment but those people survived so that's nice we did our best which is the only thing that matters.

Okay, here's one. Cynthia Erivo will star as Jesus in the musical Jesus Christ Superstar at the Hollywood Bowl in Los Angeles. Okay. So, buy your tickets now, but remember, the first 10 rows are in the splash zone. Wait, what? Is there a splash zone in Jesus Christ superstar, I don't know what it's about

I don't understand and But is is it cuz she's she's so talented. Well, so okay you want to let's get into it. Okay. So originally, there was going to be a joke. There was something like, a Gallagher show where he got ponchos in the first ten rows, unrelated to anything sexual, just something that goes on in the musical. Because I don't know anything about Jesus Christ Superstar and Andrew Lloyd Webber, let's face it, is kind of silly. It's kind of silly these musicals by him. So then I thought, oh that's funny. And that was it. That was the full extent of it. Okay, this one's not good either. We kept her Trump, named himself the Kennedy Center chair. The center canceled its planned Pride concert from the gay men's chorus of Washington, D.C.

It's replaced by Elon Musk's Garage Band debuting their new album, Music to Play on Your Way Home from Family Court, with hits like, That Bitch you can pull off that hat ba-da-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ye news oh okay in other Cynthia Erivo news this week the Wicked star was announced as this year's Tony's host in June the Tony's are this gay couple who were supposed to stay with me. But Cynthia's got a pullout couch and lives close to Universal Studios anyways. Bad about it.

Meanwhile, this year's CMT Awards will once again host the spread of COVID. Bad about it. Okay, this one's bad too. spread of COVID. Okay. This one's bad too. Uh, the Trump administration erased the T and Q from LGBTQ on the website commemorating the Stonewall national monument, which now only celebrates LGBT history. Uh, not sure why they're called the feds because they certainly aren't eating. I went to the Stonewall website just to check it out, and it was like, there was clearly just stuff

that had been pulled down off the website, but then there was said like, here, click here for a 15 part video series on the history of Stonewall. I was like, how'd they manage to scrub that? You click on it, and because technically it's part of the national parks, it's just a squirrel saying

that you've come to the wrong place but that squirrel trans I will say this it is possible for a few freaks inside the Trump administration to raise trans people from a website about New York but it's worth remembering that Trump isn't the first would-be tyrant whose advisors tried to make people afraid of trans and I'm bearing people. Uh, here, look at this. Okay. That is an image from the maxims of Tahutep who was a vizier to the Pharaohs in Egypt over 4,000 years ago. It is a warning about the seductive power of fem boys.

Uh, over 2000 years ago, Ovid's metamorphoses had a poem about Cainius raised as a boy who undergoes a magical gender transition at the hands of Poseidon. Ovid uses he-him pronouns, and that's not the only gender transition in that poem. Though it is very long, there's a story of Iphus and there's a story of Leucopus. Badababa, ye news. Wait, wait, wait. That sounds like look-a-pis. Like look a piss. Look a piss.

I thought we were just having fun. Moving on, speaking of ancient Egypt, British researchers tasked with describing the smell of mummies for science described it as woody, spicy, and sweet, admitting we were surprised at the pleasantness of them. Of course, the real test will be how do they taste. Hey Nori, can I ask you a serious question? How you doing?

Fine. Okay. How are you doing? I'm okay. I'm worried about the trans people. Yeah, I mean, it's a weird, weird time we're living in. I went to Florida to visit my parents and my sister and my brother-in-law and nephew, and to go to Disney World, which is something that happens to me from time to time.

Now, the reason I bring that up is because we were in Florida, a state that famously has a anti-trans governor, and my partner is trans, and they're very nervous when we have to go through the airport trans and they're very nervous when we have to like go through the airport and like they need to go to the bathroom and it's like great, a bunch of people voted for Trump and now my partner has to be fucking nervous at the airport and because trans people are basically completely invisible in the world, they are not, they are represented as an object on the news. It's about a few people acting as though they're scared

of trans people in the bathroom when nothing bad is happening. But the daily experience of trans people is being afraid of things that actually do happen, which is people accusing them of being in the wrong bathroom when they're in public spaces. And so I was just seeing how you're doing. Yeah, I mean, it is a really, really hard time

for trans people. We're somehow always on the front lines of everything. Well, you know, Trump's first, one of his first executive actions was targeting the trans community. It happened so quickly. And I don't know the outcomes. I don't know what faith to put in institutions and systems. What I do have is faith in trans people and trans community.

And we've always been here and we're never leaving. And it doesn't matter the access that we have to healthcare institutions and things like that. It truly doesn't matter. We will survive, we will exist, and no one can ever take that away from us. So that's how I feel. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeahickets are available now. So funny, so good to see you. So good to see you. Thank you. When we come back, we're taking that doggone wheel for a doggone spin. Hey, don't go anywhere. There's more of Love It or Leave It coming up.

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You can get an additional 15% off their 90-day subscription starter kit by going to fatty15.com slash love it. That's F-A-T-T-Y one five dot com slash love it and use code love it at checkout. And we're back. it at checkout. If you're a monthly subscriber, upgrading is quick and easy. Just visit kroger.com slash friends or subscribe to the Pod Save America Apple feed. It really is helping us to build out people in the community. If you subscribe, you get access to ads free episodes, you get access to a bunch of bonus content that's both just fun behind the scenes

but also really smart analysis, Polar Coaster, other great content. Plus you get access to the Discord which is a great community of people. Kind of a Twitter just amongst friends which is a great community of people, kind of a Twitter, just amongst friends, which is what it was supposed to be. So please subscribe, it really helps support our progressive media company that we're building.

As you may have noticed, we are in a growing right wing fever swamp and doing our best. All right, so please go to crooked.com slash friends and sign up. Also, if you're in LA, come to Dynasty next Thursday, February 27th to check out. Love to leave it live with guests Liza Traeger and Jesse Tyler Ferguson. Trump is

trying to ban cancer research and safe air travel, but he hasn't come for gay comedy shows yet. So enjoy while less. Crooked.com slash events. Okay. Please welcome Tom Green back to the stage Tom come on in All right. All right. All right. Hello. Hello. I know I've gotten a bad rap is just another annoying albeit Well chiseled coastal elite but I can get down in the mud just as well as the rest of them and since both of my Guests come from around them rural parts We're gonna take a sweet old gander, what the fuck, add this wheel and yap our treads

about what's hounding our hyenies in a segment we're calling the Rund Wheel. Nice. Kennedy. I like that graphic. That's a good one. That's a good one. That's a really good one.

Spent a little more time on that one. This one got more attention for sure, for sure. Kennedy, why don't you go on there? I can't do it. What the fuck? And give this a sweet little spin. Yuck. OK, I see.

It is land on Nori. What's your rural rant? Oh, rural. You with your beautiful back roads and the beautiful trees and all the beautiful animals. How dare you, you rural area. And how beautiful the sunsets are and the skies are. Fuck you. Yeah. Yeah.

Nice, got him. That was good. Yeah, thank you. That was good. You got him. You just got him. You got him dead. They're dead, you got him.

I like that. Let's spin it again. Oh! Is that on Tom Green? That's me. What's your rant, Tom? About living in a rural area. If you'd like. Not enough sushi. Oh, look at that. Is that on Tom Green? That's me. What's your rant, Tom? About living in a rural area.

If you'd like. Not enough sushi. You know, I lived Ventura Boulevard adjacent for 20 years. A lot of sushi there. And it's really hard to get some spicy tuna on crispy rice out there in the rural wilderness of Ontario. I miss my spicy tuna on crispy rice. Lots of mosquitoes, lots of bugs, lots of insects and pigeons.

I don't go for crispy rice. I think it's better before it's crisped. Yeah? Yeah, I've never been into it. I've never been into the spicy tuna crispy rice fad. Crazy. Never liked it. Not enough toro sashimi. Would that strike a little

more close to home? I'm just sharing. No, I mean, I understand. Not enough yellowtail sashimi out there in the woods. It's not that I didn't understand it. I can relate to your experience by conveying, you know, you go to sushi to get something raw and then you get a spicy cooked rice. It's just sort of not what it's sort of... But you can't get good sushi up there in Ontario not really no not really not not not not in my neck of the woods we are out in the middle of nowhere so there's not a there's not a catsuya right there but the Bears eat they get the salmon that's true that's true I could that's in a sense go direct to the source go direct to the source yet you're right this is a good point yeah but I like you like, you know, it's, you were right,

I need to follow the bears around. They know where the sushi's at. I once, I used to be a speech writer. He used to have a very serious job. And we wrote a joke for President Obama about we were trying to simplify the government. And so our way of doing it was not to unleash a fucking whacked out billionaire

inside the fucking machine. It was to kind of ask Congress for help, stupid us. And so, mistake, should have just done it from fucking put on a crown Congress for help, stupid us. And so, mistake, should have just done it from fucking put on a crown and been like do it, that's what the American people really want. Yeah. And cheaper eggs which they cannot have. But not allowed, no cheaper eggs, tax cuts for the rich. Just go to my website I've got eggs for half price. Yeah, Tom Green eggs dot xxx for some reason. Now, and we said we were trying, make a joke about how complicated the government

could be. And so the j- basically the joke was, uh, that, uh, the Interior Department handles the salmon when they're in the fresh water, uh, and the, uh, EPA handles the salmon where in the salt water. But you won't believe how complicated it gets once they're smoked. And it got about that response. And it got that from Congress. It was during a State of the Union. And it really fucking biffed. I want to know another joke that biffed. I'll tell you. Is that true though? The EPA is when they're in the saltwater. It was interior when it was fresh and it was,

might have been a different arm of the government. It was ocean. when it was fresh and it was might have been a different or different arm of the government Ocean, but it was one agency for the ocean and one agency when they were in the freshwater But those agencies found out what we were saying too simplistic. So there's some way in which it was kind of too simplistic The other funny time was we were trying to also We were trying to cut cut some government spending you know what I don't remember but we were talking about how there was an expensive program that required a huge expense to clean up milk if it had ever that if a milk tanker crashed on the highway he had to treat it like a chemical spill

okay and that and the joke we had said hey it's a real shame that taxpayers are crying over spilled milk and again it did as well as that but I tried to get a different joke in which nobody wanted and the joke was how big of a problem can it be if you can clean it up with Oreos? It's a better joke but it was I think a little too kind of weird for the state of the Union. Yes yeah yeah why was it necessary to even talk about the milk spill in the State of the Union to begin with? Politics. That's politics.

So there's a lot of other things that might be a little bit more important. It was a little example of a bigger problem. Yeah. Is it really a chemical sort of spill? I think it was how it was. That was the fact it was a kind of expensive boondoggle for cleaning up milk if it were to spill.

It's an example of government excess that we recognized at the time and again We tried to handle it through compromise and working with Congress fools that we were yeah You just give a billionaire a chainsaw. All right, let's spin it again All right, it is landed on on my face. And my rural rant is I spent some time living in rural Connecticut during the pandemic actually. There was a moment in Los Angeles where there were fires and so you weren't allowed to be inside, but then you also weren't allowed to be outside. And that really broke my brain.

And so I said, we're going to Connecticut, where my then partner's family lived. And so we went to Connecticut for six months. And I'll tell you, the Starbucks was so far. And so every morning I would borrow the keys and drive to the Starbucks. It was like 18 minutes each way. And it was like, just make coffee here. I would borrow the keys and drive to the Starbucks. It was like 18 minutes each way. And it was like, just make coffee here. How?

You know, it's impossible. French press. Well, so they had a coffee machine and I hated it. I didn't like what came out of there. And so I just drive to the Starbucks. Sometimes I'd mix it up because it was next door to a Dunkin' Donuts. So I'd sometimes go there instead.

That was my rural experience. Did you sort of living, is that what's, when you went rural, you kind of came back and became a Dunkin Donuts coffee person? I'm still a Starbucks girl. And now they make them write a little note on every cup. And I'm just like, you don't need to do that for me. I don't need that from this relationship. I'm not looking for a deeper connection.

I'm just here for this drink I get every day. Why don't you try a French press? You think? Yeah, you'll like that. But you press it. Yeah, and it's delicious, it's good coffee. Yeah, so that was my rural experience. We also had chickens.

We also had chickens, great eggs. Oh, isn't it nice? People think that I didn't understand how much better the eggs from a nearby chicken were compared to the eggs from the chickens that are far away yeah the local egg the nearby egg my goodness it's a much better egg you don't even have to refrigerate them no and they are fresh delicious fresh they're really good yeah yeah would you ever get a cow for milk I would get a cow actually yeah just because I think

they're kind of cool yeah I would get a cow I could see myself getting a cow at some point. Utterly fascinating and that's our show thank you so much Tom Green and Janori Reed we'll see you next week at Dynasty there are 619 days until the midterms have a great night and have a great weekend. Thanks John that was super fun. Thank you. Thank you. Great stuff. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Love It or Leave It is a Cricket Media Production. It is written and produced by me, John Lovett, and Lee Eisenberg. Kendra James is our executive producer, Bill McGrath is our producer, and Kennedy Hill is our associate producer.

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