Lovett or Leave It - This Ukrainian Life

Episode Date: November 16, 2019

Bill Taylor and George Kent testify as the public phase of impeachment begins. Rudy considers hosting a podcast, and we have the ad reads. The goobers at Fox & Friends are briefly confronted by reality. And Dion Waiters has a very VERY bad experience with a weed gummy. Whitney Cummings and Joe Mande are here to break down a big week, from the dumb villains of impeachment to the gay villains of Disney Plus. And don't worry: we do it with the pizzazz you DEMAND.

Good evening, West Hollywood. Let's get into it. What a week. What a week. Obviously, the biggest story of the week, an incredible transformative development in politics, Deval Patrick is in the race. What else happened this week?

Sesame Street celebrated its 50th anniversary. I wonder how long I can do this before I talk about impeachment. Before there's just glass hurling at me. Congrats to Bert and Ernie, who it turns out are boomers. One of those gay couples that once they were able to get married,

bought a home, locked in a low property tax rate, started complaining about development, and at least one of those gay couples that, once they were able to get married, bought a home, locked in a low property tax rate, started complaining about development, and at least one of them definitely voted for Trump. And they don't talk about it, but the other knows, and it's a source of tension, but they just move on because politics doesn't affect them personally, and it sucks. Snuffleupagus joined Antifa. Big Bird is still with her.

We've got some breaking news. You know it's really breaking news because I was genuinely surprised. And I forgot we were doing that. Although it does say at the top of my card loud breaking news sound. It says here, Jared Kushner and other senior administration

officials are planning on using webcams to live stream construction of the border wall. Jared Kushner is a cam boy. Unusual, yes. But not outlandish. For 20 tokens, he'll look into the camera while he fucks up Middle East peace.

Now I want you all to know something. I wrote that joke and I put 20 bucks. And Travis turned to me and goes, not bucks, it's tokens. Thanks, Travis. Go fuck yourself. Okay. Now on to the big story of the week.

The Thrilla on Capitol Hilla. You know what? Shame on me for delivering that with ironic distance. As if someone else did this. As if that joke happened to me as well as you. No, I did it to you. The thriller on Capitol Hill-a. The first

public testimony in the impeachment inquiry. The hearings on Wednesday lasted six hours or two the Irishman. William Taylor revealed that a member of his staff told him that Gordon Sondland said, President Trump cares more about the investigations

of Biden than about Ukraine. There is nothing less surprising to me than the fact that Donald Trump is loud on the phone. Also, people were freaking out that Taylor's voice sounds like Walter Cronkite. We shouldn't make light of Walter Cronkite. We shouldn't make light of his Cronkitis. William Taylor recounted how during a July 10th meeting between officials from the U.S. and Ukraine,

Gordon Sondland, the U.S. ambassador, intervened to talk about the investigations, prompting John Bolton to end the meeting and tell his staff to report this meeting to the lawyers, later saying that he didn't want to be associated with this drug deal. I can't be associated with this. This isn't a war of choice based on dubious evidence and a philosophy that downplays the human costs and practical realities of state violence, ultimately doomed to create a power vacuum and chaos that spread outward until engulfing an entire region and beyond, helping to produce a dest vacuum and chaos that spread outward until engulfing an entire region and beyond helping to produce a destabilizing cascade of unintended consequences that stretched from Syria to the United Kingdom

that made sense this is just too far Taylor also laid out how Trump had a feeling of having been wronged by the Ukrainians and investigating Trump's political rival was something they owed him to fix that wrong. Sure, none of that is true. It is a fabrication based on a conspiracy theory

that Donald Trump may have learned from Paul Manafort himself. But that's what Trump does, all right? He goes by gut. He goes by feeling. It's called the art of the deal, not the science of the deal. Eric Swalwell asked Kent and Taylor if they were never Trumpers, a reference to a Trump tweet. They said they were not,

and apparently that was a good thing to say, and I'm glad they did it. It gives them credibility. But let's just remember, being never Trump is great. It's a really good thing to be. Oh, no, no, I'm not a Never Trumper. I'm kind of okay with this guy.

I found the end of George Kent's statement particularly moving. Let's roll in. I would like to conclude my opening remarks with an observation about some of my fellow public servants who have come under personal attacks. Ambassador Yovanovitch, Lieutenant Colonel Vindman, and Dr. Hill, at least one of whom is going to appear before this body in the coming days. Masha, Alex, and Fiona were born abroad before their families or they themselves personally chose to immigrate to the United States.

They all made the professional choice to serve the United States as public officials, helping shape our national security policy towards Russia in particular. And we and our national security are the better for it. I just want to play that clip because a serious guy with a serious bow tie. And, you know, after this hearing, Eric Trump said it was very boring. Kellyanne Conway went on television and said, I could barely follow it. It was, he said this to who, and he said what to what. You know, they don't want us to care about this.

They don't want to see this. And I think what was so striking about the hearings yesterday, despite the efforts by some to claim that it was too dull to matter, is we need boring people. We need them. Boring people are really important. You know, there was this conversation about the fact that he pronounces it Kiev and not Kiev.

And there was a really funny moment going on yesterday. We're like, wait a second. He's an expert. He's calling it Kiev. We always call it Kiev. What's going on? And it turns out, I didn't know this. I learned this because of news, is that apparently Kiev is a more Russian or Soviet pronunciation.

A more Ukrainian pronunciation and spelling is to pronounce it Kiev. And actually, even though we still call it Kiev, the State Department officially refers to it as Kiev. And do you know who's responsible for the move to get it to be called Kiev as opposed to Kiev? Because it sent a signal to the Ukrainians that we were serious about supporting them. A small, boring change

deep within the wells of the documents that determine how we refer to a country. That fucking guy. George Kent did that. And I know it's become silly to say what about our norms? Maybe we were a bit too focused on norms. What matters is not that what Donald Trump is doing violates our norms and institutions. It's that what Donald Trump is doing violates our norms

and institutions. It's that what he's doing is really fucking bad. The things violating those things are bad because those norms are good and they do good things for us to have them. And I just was watching this man and Bill Taylor, the man next to him, sit there and just defend

good old fashioned boring government. Just I get up in the morning and I think about Ukraine a lot and the little changes that we could make to make Ukraine and the United States have a more effective partnership to protect our national interests I send cables and I put on a fucking bowtie and I care about it a lot and maybe you don't care about it as much as I care about it but it's a good thing that I'm here caring about it. Because because I care about it, you don't have to care about it.

And I cared about it every day for a really long time. And then these Trump people showed up. And I didn't like them. And I didn't like how they talked about the things I cared about. Because they made me feel bad. Because the things I care about are important to me. And they don't care about that. They just care about Joe Biden and Burisma and all this stuff. But I care about are important to me. And they don't care about that. They just care about Joe Biden and Burisma and all this stuff.

I care about this. And, you know, I didn't find the hearings boring. I watched all six hours. I got up at 5 a.m. Pundit was furious. She's like, this is not us. So I gave her

a CBD dog treat. And I gave me a CBD dog treat. And I gave me a CBD dog treat. And we watched the hearing beginning to end and a couple times I genuinely gasped. I gasped when we found out that Bill Taylor's staff overheard Donald Trump on the phone with Gordon Sondland saying, crimes, crimes, crimes, more crimes. And I gasped. I was fascinated by it.

That was his special bow tie. He wore it in his photo, the photo he took in his official State Department photo. And he got up that morning and he said, this is a big, important day. I'm going to put on my big, important bow tie. Protect that man. Protect the men and women like him.

A knock-down, drag-out battle for the future of this country between the people that have special bow ties they pit on in important days and people who believe in nothing. He brings a Nalgene because he doesn't want to waste bottles. He brings a goddamn Nalgene

to the bottles. He brings a goddamn Nalgene to the Congress. Steve Castor, GOP counsel, and a man who looks like a youth soccer coach who keeps getting bullied by all the dads, said this. In fairness, this irregular channel of diplomacy,

it's not as outlandish as it could be. Is that correct? It's not as outlandish as it could be. Is that correct? It's not as outlandish as it could be. Castor continued, say, for example, if the whole committee were comprised of dogs, or if I was in a full Princess Leia costume but never addressed it, that would be more outlandish, yes? Reminder, sir, you are under oath, and I just took my first improv class. This is the best guy they could get. I bet a lot of really smart guys were like, no, you are under oath, and I just took my first improv class. This is the best guy they could get. I bet a lot of really smart guys were like, no, thank you.

Oh, and the fact there was a debate on NBC during one of the breaks, and they turned to the lawyers assembled saying, what would you do if you were on the Republican side? And they all were like, I don't know. Fuck as I know, it's fucking hard. There's a lot of really bad evidence. I don't know, yell, run out, quit, scream naked in the streets, go out like the Comey 2012 guy. I don't know. Yell, run out, quit, scream naked in the streets, go out like the Comey 2012 guy.

I don't know. Specific. One of Republican Congressman John Radcliffe's arguments was that Ukraine repeatedly said publicly that he was not forced to do anything, there was no coercion, and he was being truthful in those statements. This just in,

the man shackled to a chair in my basement hoping I'd bring him food, said, this is fine, I'm choosing to be here. It's Darren Criss. Then Devin Nunes, or the guy who got sidelined because all his friends said he was worse than Jim Jordan, who is terrible, said this. It seems you agreed, witting or unwittingly,

to participate in a drama. But the main performance, the Russia hoax, has ended. And you've been cast in the low-rent Ukrainian sequel. I actually know, I think this feels more like

how Dark Knight built on the themes of Batman Begins, but was grounded in a far more compelling narrative and a clearer moral argument. Dark Knight could on the themes of Batman Begins, but was grounded in a far more compelling narrative and a clearer moral argument. Dark Knight could not exist without Batman Begins, but it also transcends Batman Begins to stand on its own. Or how Superman II,

despite the controversy of Richard Lester replacing Richard Donner, nonetheless set Superman against villains, including a terrific performance by Terrence Stamp that tested the bounds of Superman's moral code as well as that dichotomy between the norms of Clark Kent and the power of Superman himself. Or how Star Trek the motion picture

got everyone excited but didn't work and Rathacon fully fucking crushed. Finally, I want to read a few paragraphs from an article in the guardian that appeared tonight rudy giuliani donald trump's personal lawyer has said he is confident the president will remain loyal to him as an impeachment inquiry unfolds in which the former new york mayor has become a central figure but giuliani joked that he had good insurance in case trump did turn on him amid speculation republicans will seek to frame him as a rogue actor. In a telephone interview

with The Guardian in response to a question about whether he was nervous that Trump might throw him under the bus in the impeachment crisis, Giuliani said with a slight laugh, I'm not, but I do have very, very good insurance, so if he does, all my hospital bills will be paid. very good insurance, so if he does, all my hospital bills will be paid. Giuliani's lawyer, Robert Costello, who was also on the call, then interjected, he's joking.

But what does the joke mean? Is the joke that Rudy actually doesn't have dirt on his client? Is the joke that Rudy does have dirt, but he'd never use it? Is the joke that he is worried about being physically thrown under an actual bus and requiring a medical intervention for which he has very good health insurance? Or is the joke that he doesn't have very good health insurance? Here's what I think. I think the joke is that because of Rudy's close working relationship with Donald Trump, his client, who seems to not pay him, he has gathered over time

a huge amount of damaging information about the president, which makes him a danger to Trump if he were ever to be threatened by Republicans, because he doesn't respect client confidentiality, because he doesn't respect anything. And the joke is just a fun metaphor about a hospital and insurance, which sounds like bad mom speak because he's a bad momster

and honestly, great joke, Rudy. When we come back, we will have Whitney Cummings and Joe Mandy. Hey, don't go anywhere. There's more of Love It or Leave It coming up. And we're back. She's a writer, actor, and comedian, and she just launched her first podcast, Good For You.

Please welcome my pal, Whitney Cummings! How are you? I'm okay. What a weird little venue we are at. What an insulting, weird little... Fuck you. This is where we're doing it. Sorry.

That's not what I meant. I've just, I've never been in here before. I just, I don't know. I feel like I'm on a gold dig a man in the 20s. Gold dig a man. A man. A man. Oh, a man.

A man. He's a stand-up comedian, and you can catch him this December in Denver in Salt Lake City please welcome back Joe Mandy hi Joe

oh hi hi hi how are you? I am well thank you does this place make you want to get a man?

no oh cause it does maybe a drink a drink yeah A drink. Whitney, you want? Okay. Oh, and this is a podcast,

so you guys don't know what this venue even looks like. Now it's time for OK Stop. We'll roll a clip and the panel can say OK Stop at any point to comment. Bonks and friends, it's normally a safe space

for white boomers to gather around and hear two ladies say nice things to a scarecrow that wished on a lamp to be human, but the genie was evil, so it's Steve Doocy. But this morning, the safe space was made unsafe when Fox News legal analyst Judge Andrew Neapolitan Ice Cream

stopped by to talk about the impeachment testimony. Let's watch. Isn't it all based on opinion in here? Say, when you read the transcript, everyone has their own opinion. Well, everybody does have their own opinion. But if you look at the big picture, there doesn't seem to be any dispute, but that the president wanted dirt on Biden and the president was willing to hold up military aid in order to get it. Judge, how about this? Okay, stop. Yeahacts are getting... How about this?

Bring in the accordion player. Steve Doocy just keeps looking off screen. Where's the hook? Do we shock him? What do we do? He keeps saying the wrong things that are not... There's facts coming out of his mouth. Do we...

What happened to the Roger Ailes button where you press it and it opens up and then there's the Roger Ailes button where you press it and it opens up and then there's just Roger Ailes there waiting for him in the hopes that he's a lady? There's something very funny about the one on stage who's dressed as a Dick Tracy villain is also the

voice of reason. You would never... Look, for those listening at home, picture Al Pacino in the film Dick Tracy, but then what if they decided to make an arch version of that film? Like something that was

really over the top? Also, just as we describe him a bit, those are like runway with pinstripes. Yes. Cessnas can land using this suit. Absolutely. They obviously

ran with the hearings live because they had no choice, but they had a box up during the hearing, and the box basically was like, pay no attention to this. Real news is coming back soon. This is nothing to worry about. Everyone who's smart that you love says this is dumb.

It's cool. Chill out. Chill out. Literally just boxes that say like President Trump thinks this guy's a cuck. So just like keep that in mind. He's concerned about what Ukraine did in the 2016 election

and it was proven yesterday that he had every reason to be concerned because of because of the Biden's role supervising Ukraine aid. And Hunter Biden's legitimately perplexing place on the number one most corrupt oil and gas company and corporation in that country. The law is not on the president's side because the law says asking for a campaign favor whether whether it arrives or not it's an investigation of a previous election well that depends on how you look at it are they investigating 2016 or does he want dirt on biden as prophylactic for 2020 the ukrainian president didn't okay stop they're just like please please please stop you can't keep saying these things people are you're people. You're hurting people who are watching.

They're very old. Steve Doocy's like putting a hole in his palm. He's like rubbing his hands together so strong he doesn't know what to do. He's freaking out. He hasn't said anything this whole time. I also love that they use pencils on Fox News in case

they need to change the truth. It's easily erased. But it is like, you know, what's non-Steve Doocy? They're Steve Doocy. Killmead. What? Brian Killmead. Killmead.

Really great, great name. What he's saying is this is kind of the defense they've been trying in the last 24 hours. And they'll need a new one, right? Because it's like, oh, it's hearsay and here's try this. They're just trying to get to the end of every day. It's just every day is a... Right.

They're all goldfish and every day they wake up in the tank and they're like, my life begins now. But what he's saying is this idea that like... So let me just see if I understand this. Congress said this aid must go. There's nothing in the law that says, unless the president wants to try something new, it just says give them the money. And then they were like, don't give them the money yet.

And their theory is that Donald Trump, who as we all know, has a long held passion for combating corruption in Eastern Europe. Wasn't sure about this Zelensky guy. Donald Trump, he's got a suspicion. All right, this is a corrupt country. Sometimes I got to get in there, make sure that our money,

we can trust that we're sending it to the right guy. So here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to test him. I'm going to be corrupt. See if he falls for it. And when he doesn't, I'm going to pretend to be Superman for a while.

And then when Congress finds out I'm doing this, I'm going to stop doing it immediately because I've been caught because no one's going to understand this is Donald Trump trying to help Ukraine fight corruption. My passion.

And he got his money. Do we ever know if he turned over anything about Biden to the president? Apparently he did. So that's not good pro quo. This is the worst shakedown ever. This is the best, too, which is it is the sideshow Bob defense, which is you can't punish someone for an attempted crime. There's no Nobel Prize for attempted chemistry. Right, they got the money.

What are we complaining about? They got the money. They got the aid. There was no investigation. The crime failed. He left the bank with nothing. Right. Yeah, a couple beat up tellers. They'll be fine. A is the quid pro quo. The delay of 55 days

knowing that the Russians were at the border. But if you didn't know your direct deposit didn't land, I mean, how is it delayed? I didn't know. Only you could put it that way. Wow.

It is fascinating to watch. Like Trump does do one thing, which is he basically does a little brain litmus test on every single person on the right and we just run the little trump test and what pops out some of them kind of more integrity than you might have expected some some honor and dignity some set of core beliefs that guide them beyond fealty to one man and then there's the vast majority that are like, I don't know, whatever daddy says goes.

Totally. Yeah, and then the crazy thing is that he puts them in a corner and they're like, okay, so this is the story. And then he'll openly be like, that's not the right story. I'm going with this one now. And then they're like, okay, we'll do with that now. And then they just scamper along and just keep following his lead off a cliff. It's like bad improv. Yeah, it is.

Well, it reminds me actually of really poorly run shows in L.A. where the writers have spent all day trying to crack something. And then they come back in and be like, sorry, she's not a firefighter anymore. She's an astronaut. Yeah. Okay, that works. We can use some of this. We can use some of this.

We can use some of this. Rearranging cards. Now, yeah, it's in space now, and it's no longer fighting fires, but there's still loneliness, because they are far from home. Yeah, yeah. And that's okay. Stop. Yeah.

When we come back, we're going to talk about Disney+. Don't go anywhere. This is Love It or Leave It, and there's more on the way. And we're back. Now a game about Disney+. Over the weekend, the clouds parted, and down from the heavens came Disney+,

which was passed to us on a shimmering golden iPad from a figure that was either God or Bob Iger, the CEO of Disney I didn't bomb in front of at a comedy fundraiser for Barbara Boxer, because that was Michael Eisner. Did you bomb in front of Michael Eisner? There were two events, in fact, separated by a year.

The two worst comedy events I think fact, separated by a year. The two worst comedy events I think I could claim in a long time. They're both charity or non-profit things. And at the first one, where I did just truly shit the bed, I'm flailing and it's not going well and I look out and I see Barbara Streisand

sitting next to Michael Eisner. And I think, well, oh well. I guess I'll never go to the mall in her basement. Yeah, I'm never going to see the tiny doll house of the house in which I am in. And those clone dogs, what a shame.

I guess I could go as a plus one. So, so anyway, a year later, I'm at a charity event in LA for Barbara Boxer, and there I am shitting the bed again. And right as I'm about to finish up, I look out, and who do I see sitting there? No!

But Michael Eisner. And I just realized that Michael Eisner doesn't know me. He just knows that he's seen me perform and 100% of the time, I'm the worst comedian he's ever seen. That rules. That's amazing. So your Disney Plus show is a no-go.

Yeah, they passed. As you may know by now, Disney Plus is home to hours and hours of family-friendly entertainment, which of course means it's super gay. So I thought we'd play a little game in which you have to guess which Disney properties are the gayest in a game we call Cruella de Vil Ain't Just the Name of a Drag Queen,

a.k.a. Mary Poppers, a.k.a. Peter Pan Buttigieg, a.k.a. Fagtasia, a.k.a. Wreck Me Ralph, a.k.a. Beauty and the Bear, AKA Toy Story 5, this time Woody and Buzz make a new friend, two vibrators named Woody and Buzz. All right. Would anyone out there like to play the game? Ideally, Alisa's out there.

Can we please find a homosexual to play the game? Oh, that one is. I'm triggered. His hand almost fell off his arm. Hi, what's your name? Gay. I mean, Nick. You found it.

And gay is funny. It's Nick, is it? Yes. Hi, Nick. Hello. Here's Nick, is it? Yes. Hi, Nick. Hello. Here's how it works. I'm going to read you two Disney things. Jesus.

I'm going to name two things. I'm going to read you two clues. Did Michael Eisner just walk in? What's happening? That was so funny. You'll have to guess which is objectively gayer. All right, Nick?

Understood. Here we go. Who framed Roger Rabbit or Honey, I Shrunk the Kids? Honey, I Shrunk the Kids. Incorrect. Cinderella's dress or Cruella de Vil's coat?

Cruella de Vil's coat. Correct. Timon and Pumbaa or LeFou and Gaston? Timon and Pumbaa. No. Everyone knows why that's wrong. King Triton or Jafar? Jafar.

Correct. King Triton's look or Jafar's look? Jafar's look. No, it's Triton. Come on. I'm trying. I don't want to ask you this, but you are gay, right?

I promise. I mean, I heard you speak, so we both sound... Think about your reaction to that. Think about the internalized homophobia in believing that a gay voice is inherently something I'm criticizing. Then listen to my voice and how far I've taken a gay voice is inherently something I'm criticizing. Then listen to my voice

and how far I've taken this gay voice and how gay I get when I'm not code switching. Okay. C3PO and R2-D2 or Lumiere and Cogsworth? Lumiere and Cogsworth. No. No. I'm sorry.

I think there may be some gays over here. They're furious. Next question. Nick, focus. Focus. When Chris Evans and Chris Hemsworth fight in Avengers or Zootopia? Come on.

Evans and Hemsworth. Yes. The dog in Sandlot or the dog in Turner and Hooch? Sandlot. No. Wait, wait. Didn't we never see the dog in the Sandlot? the dog in Turner and Hooch? Sandlot. No! Wait, wait, didn't we never see the dog in the Sandlot? No, we see him. It seems frightening, but he turns out to just be a big dog.

He's very sweet. He's very straight. Very straight. Very heterosexual, obviously straight dog. Listen, if I can be straight passing, so can that dog. I don't know if either of those things are true. Ned Flanders or the concept of Dumbo? Ned Flanders.

No! Every question you're getting, this is a completely subjective quiz, and it's 50-50, and you're doing worse than random. Johnny Depp in Pirates of the Caribbean or Johnny Depp in Alice in Wonderland? That's a tie.

That's a tie. I'm sorry, the correct answer is Orlando Bloom in anything. All right, Nick. You can redeem yourself. All the points now are worth double. You know what, Nick? Triple.

Time for the gay villain lightning round. Queen of Hearts or Maleficent? Maleficent. Correct. Hades or Captain Hook? Hades. Correct. Shere Khan or Jafar?

Shere Khan. Correct. Scar or Ursula? Ursula. You did it! Yes! Correct! Nick! Wow! Why are so many Disney villains coded as vaguely gay even as Disney has almost never embraced actual gay characters?

Because they think gay people are bad? Eh, it's more complicated than that. It's a genuinely impossible question. Nick, you've won the game. When we come back, we're going to talk about Rudy Giuliani's podcast. Hey, don't go anywhere. There's more of Love It or Leave It coming up.

And we're back. We here at Love It or Leave It aren't just hilarious and attractive raconteurs who bring joy and light to hundreds of millions of people every Saturday. We're also very serious journalists, especially when the story hits close to home. So earlier this week, the story broke that Rudy Giuliani was going to be launching a podcast about impeachment. First of all, some name ideas.

Wait, wait, don't arrest me. Reply all by accident. Fraud save America. And my favorite, perjurer. Rudy Giuliani needs a friend, 99% impeachable, stuff you should pretend not to know. Cringe mode, radio blah, really, really hidden brain. Crime town.

And crime town. Anyway, our producer, Alisa, a proud journalist, really started digging around in this story, and through some context, she was able to acquire a transcript of the ad reads Rudy Giuliani has been doing.

This is real. Everybody, give it up for Alisa, who got our hands on these important texts. In fact, we thought we could read some of them to you tonight. What do you guys think? Whitney, you want to kick us off? Yeah, I do.

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His cousin. I believe she might. Thank you. Thank you, Whitney. Thank you. Joe has a copy of another important advertisement. Yeah, a leaked advertisement. Bodega Boomers is brought to you by Ancestry.com.

I want to tell you a little bit about Ancestry.com. If you're a real New Yorker like me, and by that I mean I seem progressive to the rest of the country, but just wait until I get into my fourth scotch and start talking about the Puerto Rico Day Parade, then you'll love Ancestry.com. New York is a city of immigrants, and you never know who you're going to meet

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since it's actually designed to help people discover that the aunt who always says that she's one-fifth Cherokee is full of shit. But hey, I'm Rudy Giuliani, and I don't play by the rules. And also, I genuinely don't know where I am. All you gotta do is spit into a tube, hand it to a nice FBI agent

who is waiting outside your home, and oh, my God, I'm realizing in this moment I gave DNA to the authorities. I am very bad at being a criminal. But, you know, hey, while I wait for them to come arrest me for the murder of Natalie Wood, because I was also on that boat, and while that's not true, you know, hey, while I wait for them to come arrest me for the murder of Natalie Wood, because I was also on that boat, and while that's not true, you did believe it,

because Rudy Giuliani is a comically insane person, I'm going to log on to Ancestry.com and find out which of my family members just lost a husband. Anyway, use promo code 911 to get free three months of family kissing. Thank you, Joe. Gestapo Trap House is brought to you by Quip. The other day I was smoking a cigar in a designated

non-smoking room at the Hyatt Reasonery outside Dulles Airport because I missed my flight to London because my schedule is insane and drunk. And I was looking at pictures of my ex-wives and there was this one photograph I took with Donna and we were both smiling and so happy. And I thought two things. One, Rudy, how did you screw it all up? How did you end up so lost and alone bouncing from hotel lobby to hotel lobby all over the planet, meeting with Eastern European momsters and the dregs of Republican politics to help Donald Trump, of all people, a schmuck if

you've ever known one, in the twilight of your life when you should be by a pool in Scottsdale with your wife who actually saw you and loved you anyway, taking smiling pictures filled with love and joy and grandkids. And two, experts say the most important part of keeping a healthy smile is a toothbrush that encourages healthy habits. That's why I use Quip.

Its two-minute timer helps make sure I'm brushing the right amount. Instead of just staring at myself in the mirror in a kind of fog, my hand slowly falling out of my mouth and landing on the counter next to the sink, my mind bouncing back and forth from thoughts of the man I was to this image staring at me in this mirror of the man I've become. I love my quip. And it comes with a very convenient travel case,

which I always keep with me in case I need to flee the country, which between you and me could happen soon. Use the promo code. Don't use the promo code. I don't give a fuck. Jet fuel doesn't melt steel beams. Google Building 7. Jeffrey Epstein didn't kill himself.

God, that feels good to say. Rudy out. didn't kill himself. God, that feels good to say. Rudy out. This actually makes me want to listen to this podcast. To be honest, it's exciting. I remember when everyone was like,

don't follow OJ on Twitter. It's bad for the economy or something. I'm downloading the Rudy podcast the second it comes out. Absolutely. Is the economy the reason to not follow OJ on Twitter? I don't remember what the reason was. It was probably better than that.

I was like, I don't understand the economy at all. When we come back. Oh! These pauses make me really anxious. Oh, I'm sorry. Whitney, you want to take us to the break? Is this one right now?

I don't remember. Did I finish the phrase? So we're still, this is still technically... Alright guys, when we listen to John bumble through a Blue Apron ad right now. Don't go anywhere.

This is Love It or Leave It and there's more on the way. And we're back. Now it's time for the rant wheel. You know, we spin the wheel, and wherever it lands, we talk about the topic. This week on the wheel, we have McClunky. Interesting how far that didn't get. Dion Waiters. talk about the topic. This week on the wheel we have McClunky. Interesting how far that didn't get. Dion Waiters.

Pizazz. Mayor Pete. Mandalorian. The Revised Sonic. Privacy. And Death Stranding. Let's roll. Let's spin the wheel. Let's roll the tape. Let's spin the wheel. Let's roll the tape. Let's spin the wheel. It has landed on pizzazz. I will read you the headline of a missive I discovered on a website called NBC.com. NBCnews.com.

NBCnews.com. NBCnews.com. Headline. Aren't they a.net? At NBCnews.geocities. Once Ronan's through with them. All right, stop it. Stop it.

Headline, plenty of substance but little drama on first day of the impeachment hearings. Analysis, the first two witnesses called Wednesday testified to Trump's scheme, but lacked the pizzazz necessary to capture public attention. Here was a choice quote from the piece. At a time when Democrats are simultaneously eager to influence public opinion in favor of ousting the president and quietly apprehensive that their hearings could stall or backfire,

the first round felt more like the dress rehearsal for a serious one-act play than the opening night of a hit Broadway musical. George, Bill, baby, you're beautiful. I love everything you're doing out there, but now show me that you mean it. Give me some oomph. Give me pizzazz.

Give me streetcar. You got this me pizzazz. Give me street car. You got this. You're born to be in this. So obviously that's very silly, right? Like, well, you know, it was also a terrible rock opera that nobody ever sang. But that's not the point.

They're there to tell you important truths. And the thing that really bothers me about it is not the kind of, like, obviously it's silly punditry to be like, I was not thoroughly entertained and therefore I will presume, based on I don't know what, that it won't capture the public attention.

I don't understand the metrics by which this person sitting in a room with a computer is determining that it has not captured the public imagination that it will somehow fail to do that. But what actually bothers me is something deeper about this kind of coverage,

which is implicit in this piece is that this is an observer of our system who is not persuadable, right? He's not watching this to understand what he thinks. He has perfect information, or his information doesn't matter because he's not a citizen, he's an observer. And what he's writing is actually not for citizens either.

What he's writing is for other observers who don't need to be persuaded or have perfect information, who know everything and see everything and already have fully formed opinions. This is about information from one observer to another observer on what everybody else is really learning. Like, okay, so in some other news ecosystem somewhere else, there's somebody covering this faithfully and just reporting on the facts and that some people watch the hearings, others get their information via the news that just provides a summary of what happens.

That news and information goes to citizens. They come to an opinion and that will help show us what captured the public's imagination. Of course, that doesn't exist. The way we get our information is via news like this. Punditry analysis is front and center everywhere. So it ends up being a self-fulfilling prophecy. News coverage that claims a certain event was not persuasive is the means by which that event doesn't achieve persuasion. If there were more pieces written like this that said, in a public hearing today,

stunning revelations elucidating the private testimony received earlier this week, including new facts about what Donald Trump may or may not have said to Gordon Sondland, delivered by two career professionals in a gobsmacking and shocking event, surely to rile the nation to action, it would be by that mechanism of meta-analysis that it would come to be true that others view it that way because there is no longer there's just frosting, there's no cake, and it bothers me. But also,

you're correct, but it's also, it's 9am. You're expecting a musical at 9am? Yeah, what exactly did you want? That's the worst thing in the world I could ever imagine, waking up at 9 a.m. and then seeing a musical. I want to see a guy in a bow tie

just talk for a while while I drink my coffee. Yeah, musicals are for the night. Absolutely. It's like, George Kent sits down, reads his opening statement, and the final words is, all right, everybody, guess what's in this noun, Gene? It's gin and PC sits down, reads his opening statement, and the final words is, all right, everybody, guess what's in this noun, Gene?

It's gin and PCP. Everybody buckle up. I'm going to give you... Two, three, four. I'm just a man in a bow tie. But I saw some shit. This guy next to me is named Bill. He is one of those old guys

who seems like he's been old forever. You know what? This guy's got a point. You know what? I kind of like it. I like your singing voice. Got to keep the mic far away. I like that.

Is that what you're insecure about? Singing? That? Yeah, that's the one thing I'm insecure about. You found it. Wow. When did Hercule Poirot get here? Yeah, that's it. It's singing.

That inflection was weird. Is that the thing that you're insecure about? I will say, I loved singing. Do you? I loved past tense singing. Plot twist. In fact uh here's something ben platt and i have in common we both played oliver once but then the next year i come back and i uh i was playing i believe uh a part in greece

and my voice had changed over the course of the school year and the last thing I remember is the gay man at the piano talking to the gay man who did the stage settings who I didn't know at the time were gay

but now I get it. And he just mouths, what happened? And then I burst into tears and ran off the stage, thus ending my musical career and beginning my career

of seeking attention elsewhere. Pretty good. Let's spin it again. It has landed on Mayor Pete, which Joe wanted to rant about. I'll talk about Mayor Pete. Look, the thing is, as we all know, I think there are now, what, 200 people running for the Democratic nomination.

And that might be wrong, because a new billionaire or capital venture vampire joins the race every week or so. So it's hard to keep up. But I think over the year or so, through this morass, there's one person who has shown himself to have more raw political skill than everyone else in the field. And it is Pete Buttigieg, right? Like, he is crushing it. Pete Buttigieg, right? He is crushing it, and I think it's because he's smart, and he's

cute, and he's got a cool logo that makes his campaign look like a chemical company or something. And I hate to say it, but I do think there is one disqualifying thing about Mayor Pete, and it is that he is a mayor.

And mayors should not be president. I just feel that way. Mayors shouldn't be president. That's so specific. It is. But look, it's great to be a mayor. It's a good thing. But also, everyone here needs to know

there are multiple cities in this country where they've elected a dog to be mayor. You know what I'm saying? That's a transitive thing. If a dog can be mayor, then a mayor shouldn't be president like i do think that way i think a lot of people agree with me actually because like think about this like this year alone two mayors of new york city have tried or are trying to run for president

and everyone's reaction rightfully has been like get fucked get out of here no we don't want that go back to new york city wherever that is you know what what I mean? And yet Mayor Pete has done this incredible thing where he's just campaigning and he's crushing it and he's doing these big fundraisers and Martha's Vineyard and Sausalito and he's singing with Jimmy Fallon. And it's like he's done this magic trick where everyone's forgotten that he's just a mayor.

He's a mayor of a city with 100,000 people. I don't even know if that's technically a city. You know what I mean? 100,000 people, you can fit that in a football stadium. He's mayor of a city with 100,000 people. I don't even know if that's technically a city. You know what I mean? 100,000 people, you can fit that in a football stadium. He's mayor of a football stadium. All right? It really must piss off. You know,

de Blasio is seven feet tall, mayor of the biggest city in the country, and he just got the shit beat out of him by a gay mayor of a tiny village. It's amazing. A shire.

A shire. And that's why I think he is the most talented, pure politician, right? Because 18 months ago, he was unknown, and now he's leading some polls in Iowa. And that takes skill. I think that takes pure, calculated, triangulating, focus group-approved skill. I think that takes pure, calculated, triangulating, focus group approved skill.

And that is cool, but it doesn't hide the fact that he does lack experience. I just think that. I don't want, look, I don't want to go crazy and say, I don't want to call him our Sarah Palin. Right? That would be, no, that's not a fair comparison. Right? Because obviously Sarah Palin was a governor. right like that would be that would be no that's not a fair comparison right because

because obviously sarah palin was a governor and so and she was running for vice president so in a lot of ways she was more reasonable um and look i can tell like no one's on board with me on this, but that's fine. I feel it. I feel it. But I'm just saying, he is impressive, obviously. What he's done is very admirable. But to me, it's just like getting scarily close to the real shit. And we just have to all just like, we got the culling must start. And honestly, and it's just like, when I see Mayor Pete, I just get stressed out on TV.

Because it's like, I just think like, you know, winter's approaching, and there's all these potholes in South Bend, Indiana that he has to go fill, because that's his job, because he's mayor. He's a mayor. He's just a mayor. He's just a mayor. Do you think that some part of this might be the dawning realization that you may be the same age as a president? Well, I think that too is disqualifying. I feel like if you grew up watching like Ren and Stimpy, you should not be president until like 2050.

Like that's just how I feel. You know he was watching like iClaudius and like... Right, he was like watching Donahue and taking notes. If you were watching Pauly Shore at any point. Well, what's the name of... Ronan's always trying to get me to watch. It's like an eight-hour epic Swedish miniseries. Come on.

Fanny and Alexander. Woo! Nothing? Nothing on that? Nick? Nothing? Fanny or Alexander. What about the table that was gay that? Nick? Nothing? Fanny or Alexander? What about the table that was gayer than Nick?

James Purse, yeah Never heard of it Oh, they may not be gay, they may be British Or both Just British Wow That's a twist straight from Fanny and Alexander Let's spin it again See that comment That's a twist straight from Fanny and Alexander.

Let's spin it again. See that comment. I will not look over there for the rest of the night. I just called that whole section. What's up? It has landed on privacy. I have a rant about this. I've had it. I just feel like everyone's gotten a little too paranoid.

Like, all my friends think people are trying to hack their documents and shit. Like, we're at peak paranoia. All of the guys that I work with have put tape over their camera on their laptops. I'm sure you do it. I think you guys think, I think you think that you're protecting yourself from the hackers. All we think is that you cannot stop jerking off. Well, both can be true.

All I picture when I see that is your laptop on your chest. That's all I can picture. I have guy friends that are so paranoid about security. They're like, we gotta clear my cookies. I don't want to see my cookies. Seems smart.

I just feel like we've gotten so ungrateful. I know people that when I have lunch with them, they'll go, you gotta turn your phone off. They're tracking our phones. We're so worried about people tracking our phones until we lose our fucking phones. Are you having lunch with Tom Arnold? Are you having lunch with Randy arnold lunch with randy

quaid i just like i know people that have alexas in their house and they won't even fucking talk around the alexa in their house like when i go to friends of mine's houses and they have an alexa i'll walk in i'm like hey what's up and they're like text me i'm like can't you just unplug it they're just like she'll know you unplugged it. Like, what's the problem? They're like, the government's listening. Like, I don't know. I guess I'm like the only person

that would be secretly thrilled if the government was like listening to all our conversations. I could finally win a fucking fight with my fiance. If I could like call up the government and be like, hey, can you guys send me those recordings?

Do you by any chance get a recording of him muttering under his breath that I'm a dumb bitch? Can you send me that? If you send me that, I will start paying my taxes. Swear to God. Swear to God. I do think it's just weird,

because I know people that won't even download apps, because they're like, they're going to take my email, and they're going to take my phone number. I am old enough to remember, there used to be a book with everyone's phone number in it, and home address. And they would just throw it at your house. They were all over the street.

They were in bags on people's porches. No one even opened them. I know we never looked at it, but homeless people would wipe their asses with your phone numbers. Like, it's just gotten crazy. I know people are like wipe their asses with your phone numbers. It's just gotten crazy. I know people are like, I can't email you this document. It might leak. We used to fax our private

documents to a Kinko's to a communal tray of private documents. Our only security was a cover page and you'd have to go pick them up. You'd have to go stand in line and be like, hey, I'm here to pick up my document. And they'd be like,

oh, great, are you the girl with the bad credit or the one with the Valchex prescription? Which one are you? I would love to watch Black Mirror with you. Because you'd be like, yeah, this is great.

This is... This is how it should be. What's the problem? Everybody's recording everybody with their eyeballs. That's perfect. No more lying. No more lying.

I'm so pro-surveillance it's ridiculous. Because everyone acts better. LeBron James over here. I just feel like people act better. I think humans, we know we act better when we're being watched, right? I feel like we know that on an inherent level.

That's why we invented Santa Claus. I feel like I heard someone say that in the two minutes of hate in 1984. But I take your point. Thank you for seeing my side. Let's spin it again. Pizazz again. Oh! Pizazz again.

It has landed on Dion Waiter's Weed Panic Attack. There's a straight person here. So, you know, Joe, I'll be interested in your thoughts on this as well. Here's what I learned. I learned that he plays for the Miami Heat. I learned that he ate too many edibles on an airplane. I learned via one reporter who said it was gummies. And I learned that as a result, he got a 10-game suspension.

Couple thoughts. One, there are dosing problems with the edibles. One, there are dosing problems with the edibles. Absolutely. There are dosing problems with the edibles. It is fully fucking nuts that there is... It's medicine, ostensibly. I mean, come on. But, you know, imagine if when you went to get a prescription for, like, Lipitor, they were like, here's a Lipitor candy bar.

Take a tenth of it every morning. Hey, here's Lipitor. It's in the shape of a circle. One side is dipped with Lipitor flavored chocolate. There's enough in here to last you three months. months. There is no way to cut a circle. Literally, I believe it is like mathematically difficult other than wedges to get them really even. Have fun out there. Oh, but just so you know, if you accidentally have too much, you briefly go insane. So at first, I was sympathetic to the story about Dion Waiters. And I would also simply add that I only had heard of Dion Waiters via the Rewatchable podcast because there's the Dion Waiters Award for a heat check performance. I don't know what any of that means. I can tell you, but I'll just tell you after the show.

Tell me after the show. But then it turns out he had eaten gummies. Gummies? Those are you just eat the one gummy. Eat one gummy. That's the plan. There's no counting. There's no issues. You have one gummy.

If you're feeling wild, you're feeling like having a real night, you can have two gummies. Sounds like he ate a bag of gummies. So my dosing sympathies are no longer with him, they remain where they had been with Maureen Dowd. with Maureen Dowd. Finally, I learned that as a result of him having eaten a bag of weed gummies on an airplane, which is a great place to have the right amount of weed gummies.

Fucking narcs. Oh, just the alcohol for you then? Just the one socially acceptable drug, the one they serve everywhere? That's the drug for you? I Just the one socially acceptable drug, the one they serve everywhere, that's the drug for you? I find out that due to a human error, which happens, you know, happens in hospitals,

they give you milligrams instead of liters. He knows. He knows. They give you 10 cc's instead of 3 cc's. It happens. Medical error, huge problem. Doctors aren't washing their hands, not following the checklist. The point is, people make mistakes.

He ate too many gummies. Got kind of sick. Maybe lost his mind. Seemed so bad they had to land the plane somewhere they weren't supposed to. I get that that is a real hiccup for a professional National Basketball Association outfit. They have a lot of games. 82. As I know.

And that said, I feel as though 10 games is harsh. I think that's excessive. One eighth of the year. Was it on like a trip with other players? Yeah, I mean, he was given I believe one gummy by one of his teammates. So this might be like a horrible prank because the dosage of this one

gummy, that's the narrative at least. And then the flight, I believe, was from Phoenix to LA. So what? That's not even long enough for it to kick in. There's a lot about this story that's very strange. Fishy. I'm sorry, what? Fascinating.

Why did you interrupt me? I got so much of it wrong. One gummy. I believe it was one gummy, right? Whatever. One gummy? I mean, that might just be the laundered version of the story. He may have eaten

a full bag of gummies. We all know Lovett gets his news from Infowars. So wait, hold on a second. One gummy. I think something else might be going on here. One gummy can get you, though. You've seen this. It happened to me when we went and saw Gone Girl.

Lovett took me to see Gone Girl and he's like, have this gummy. And I was like, this isn't working. And then I started asking people in the theater if they also saw Tyler Perry on the screen. That's how high I thought I was. I was like, yo, we gotta get out of here because I see Tyler Perry

in a David Fincher movie. It was wild. It's truly the most relatable news story I've ever read. It's like, I've been there. I've done this. Yeah. Freaked out. And no 10-game suspension for you. No.

Let's end on a high note. Everyone has gummies under their seats. But English, you guys don't have weed legally yet, right? No, it's not legally yet. Yeah, ha ha. Guess we won that round. Last week, we won the Kentucky Governor's Mansion.

Stacey Abrams' voter support initiative, Fair Fight, worked with the Kentucky Democratic Party to prevent the state from moving 175,000 names to the inactive voter list. After last week's election, Democrat Andy Beshear is the apparent governor-elect, beating Republican Governor Matt Bevin by just 5,086 votes. Fair Fight may have genuinely made this win possible.

Since launching this summer, Fair Fight has put teams on the ground in Virginia, Florida, Michigan, Georgia, and Pennsylvania. They currently are hiring in Arizona, New Hampshire, Texas, and North Carolina. Next, they're planning to get teams in Iowa, Alabama, South Carolina, Minnesota, Nevada, Wisconsin, and Maine. At our Radio

City show, we launched an initiative that raised $1 million for Fair Fight across all the different Crooked shows, and we did it in less than a month, so we want to try something crazy. We want to see if we can hit $2 million by 2020. Don't ask for anything for Christmas. Ask for donations

to Fair Fight. We have been so proud to be able to partner with Stacey Abrams, who had decided that this was what she was going to devote her time and energy to, to build the infrastructure so that we wouldn't get caught off guard by efforts to suppress the vote, which are taking place across all of these key battleground states. It's already making a difference.

Go to votesaveamerica.com slash fair fight to chip in what you can. It's already made a difference. It could make a difference next year when everything is on the line. Votesaveamerica.com slash fair fight. Let's get Stacey to two million and put those teams on the line. VoteSaveAmerica.com slash Fair Fight. Let's get Stacey to two million and put those teams on the ground. I want to thank Joe Mandy, Whitney Cummings,

Adam Schiff, Nancy Pelosi, all of you for coming out. Thank you to the Peppermint Club for having us. Have a great night. Thank you.